Coffee Break: Bronzed To-Do Board

134 Comments

1. I don’t celebrate my birthday, but am happy to celebrate other’s birthdays. I lateraled last year with the goal of inheriting a 30+ year partner’s book when she retires. She likes her (big) dog, has grown kids who live outside the state, and likes to cook. Gift ideas? Just a card? I normally don’t give holiday gifts to my supervising partners but work with her daily and wondered if a gift is appropriate.

   1. Card. I find it awkward when someone at work gets me something. At most, maybe a fancy cupcake or something, (which practically cost what a card does these days) but leave it at that.

      1. I like card + fancy cupcake or bar of fancy chocolate. Celebratory but office appropriate and easy to do.

         Consumables are the way to go. I hate ‘stuff’ like kitchen implements or plants.

         1. +1

   2. No need to do anything, of course, but you could do something small like a favorite kitchen gadget (e.g., a garlic peeler, tiny spatula, or small offset spatula) if she loves cooking, or just a small bouquet of flowers from the local grocery store.

      1. I feel like a colleague giving me a tiny spatula for my birthday would be super weird. A card is plenty in my view. Or offer to buy her a drink?

         1. +1 Offer to buy her a drink or coffee. I think someone work simply recognizing that its my birthday is above and beyond. ‘Hey partner – Happy Birthday. Can I buy you a fancy coffee this afternoon?’

            1. +1 THIS is far more normal, to comp something a coworker would normally buy themselves during a workday like a coffee or tea, maybe lunch if you’re really close. All gifts should be kept office centered.
               If you MUST get something physical, for work besties, nice post it notes if they are a post it note fiend, cool new mug, tiny office plant that will basically take care of itself (succulent – and then only if you know they like plants), a pen with their law school logo.

   3. Small potted kitchen herb?

   4. Unless you have a very usually office culture, I think it would be really odd to give a co-worker a birthday gift. And I would feel especially weird about it as a boss. I would skip this unless you have some reason to believe that gifts for birthdays (as opposed to wedding and baby gifts, which are more standard) are common in your office

   5. I think a card would be lovely in this scenario. If that doesn’t feel like enough, add a small treat (cupcake, pastry, etc.).

      1. I always give the manageing partner a yummy chocolate cupcake for his birthday. I go to a great Bakery on 3rd Avenue, which is quite a few block’s north of where I live, but I usually get 3, one for the manageing partner, one for Lynn and one for me. I figure that the extra 16 blocks (round trip) is good to keep my tuchus trimmer, if my Dad should ever ask! YAY!!

   6. My staff get me a present every year and I’m always embarrassed. I like the cupcake idea.

      1. +1 as the boss, the only gifts that don’t embarrass me or make me feel uncomfortable are consumable and ultra cheap. My team took me out for coffee and donuts one year, or another time they brought me Reese cups.

         Even with a peer or my own boss, it’d be weird if it were anything more expensive than lunch or a drink at happy hour.

2. Using one of this morning’s threads as a spring board here, what are some of your favorite one / two day start to finish DIY / home improvement projects. I love the idea of a project I can tackle start to finish in a weekend and make a tangible improvement or update to my house or yard. I’m thinking more in the vein of painting (obvs), hanging cafe patio lights versus just organizing a cluttered closet but I’ll take whatever you have!

   1. I used to take a week off from work and tackle a project in my house.
      Here are some things I’ve done:
      -replace the old blinds with the thicker faux wood blinds
      -replace light fixtures
      -repair a peeling wall and paint
      -take everything out of my pantry, organize everything into plastic bins, hang a row of hooks to hang up my reusable grocery bags. Get everything up off of the floor. Also hung a row of decorative hooks in an odd corner of my kitchen to display/hang my fun aprons.

      1. We have deep kitchen cabinets and installed rolling pull out shelves and use a variety of clear plastic bins and lazy S to organize by food type. It’s been great!

         1. Where did you get yours?

            1. All from the container store.

      2. I will caution, though, that some painting projects aren’t quick and easy. My upstairs hallway was painted beige with beige trim (to match the phone wires that ran down from the attic). Ugly as sin and with two shades of green underneath the peeling paint. My upstairs hallway has 6 doors (3 bedrooms, bathroom, top of stairs, maid’s closet) so preparing and painting the trim and doors alone was monstrous. The walls were easy peasy!

   2. Trimming curtains that are too long and hemming them with no-sew fusible tape

      Recently had all my basement fluorescent lights replaced with LEDs

   3. In our 90 year old house, we took all the hardware off of our doors and stripped the paint off of it, polished it and then rehung it. I have also installed rev a shelf sliding shelves in lower cabinets to make my kitchen more functional.

   4. Easy 1/2 day projects: Put up bathroom wall shelves, change out cabinet knobs, replace old rugs / decorate with new rugs, replace window shades, change out bathroom mirrors, set up a “coffee and tea” station in your kitchen, organize your closet

   5. Fav by far is painting. I love that I can totally transform the look of a room over a weekend.

   6. Currently selling the house, here’s been what’s made a huge difference:

      Scrubbing the screens & cleaning windows
      Painting the trim around the house
      Updating garden beds: I added mulch and landscaping fabric to prevent weeds
      Scrubbing & pressure washing the garage floor
      As the OP this morning said, Restor-a-finish is amazing – used it on our cat-scratched bannisters and built-in shelving and it worked miracles.
      Old English on our wooden cabinets really brought them back to life (thought I might have to restain – nope, they were just very thirsty)
      Changing burned lightbulbs / swapping to “daylight” bulbs really made a difference
      Painted the bathroom a really lovely color (“Latitude” HGTV HOME by Sherwin-Williams) which reads a lot bluer on my walls than in the online color sample. I now really love that bathroom and am sad that I’m leaving it.

      1. Thirding that restor-a-finish is truly magic. For less damaged wood/easier application, Old English Scratch Cover is also pretty amazing.

   7. Kitchen sink faucet with sprayer, shower heads with hose, light fixtures like folks above have noted. If you order supplies ahead of time, these can all be done in a few hours (a few minutes for the shower head!).

   8. Hanging art that needs to be hung; similarly, getting art re-matted if needed. Mounting a shelf or hooks (I need so many hooks! Hooks for hats! Hooks for leashes! Hooks for bags!) Changing out decor for the seasons (in bookcases, wreaths, pillows, new photos in frames, etc). Taking rugs outside to be beaten and shook out (sounds so bad!). Washing and cleaning the inside of trash cans, which always get disgusting after a while.

   9. Not really DIY, but clean all the little things might normally skip. I noticed the other day horrible fingerprints and smudges around all my light switches and doorknobs, and on the spots on doors where I push them open. I’m going to tackle them all with a magic eraser.

   10. Replace all switches and outlets, and new switch/outlet covers. We replaced non-matched, painted-over switches and outlets (a really easy wiring job that just needs a screwdriver) and it makes such a huge difference. Replace outdoor light fixtures with more modern fixtures, touch up paint. Install shelving in laundry room or other utility spaces, organize with baskets. Empty kitchen cabinets, wash with a mild TSP solution. Order custom, current style blinds for all windows, hang curtains or other treatments.

3. Does anyone else sometimes have negative feelings about people they like in real life after seeing the person’s social media postings?

   Specifically, with regard to parenting, I’m really struggling with this. I’ll talk to a friend about her day and she’ll tell me she tried to do something with the kids and they both had a meltdown. Then I’ll see like 1000 beautiful glamour shots with cheeky captions on social media of this outing and I just feel awful. I know in my heart social media is a highlight reel but the disconnect is hard to reconcile. Like her life is so great but she lies to me about that? Or her bad days look better than my good days? I’ve had this experience with a several friends who post a lot and I find myself reluctant to open up to them in real life. Does it make sense to unfollow?

   1. If it really bothers you, unfollow.

      Honestly, sometimes I keep friends like this on my Instagram just so I have an outlet to privately roll my eyes. (I have this one acquaintance who posts ugly homemade knit projects, overwhelming puppy content, and food pics that are supposed to be yummy but look less than appetizing…)

   2. Oof, this is hard. Maybe it does make sense to unfollow. I think we treat following/friendship as an indication of real-life friendship, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

   3. IDK but why would YOU feel awful that she is posting glamour shots of things while you know what the sausage factory the outing actually was? People like or fudge on the interwebs all the time.

      Do as you wish — you don’t need an internet stranger’s blessing but in a moment you’ll probably have a tons of validation.

   4. I think you can mute or hide a person on social media, which has the effect of keeping their posts out of your line of sight without the permanence of unfollowing (or with the person you’ve unfollowed knowing about it).

      I think you could give yourself some more credit and give her the benefit of the doubt – I think it’s more likely the photos of the “perfect day” are the “lie,” not that her life is so great that she felt the need to lie to you about it. Nor do I think you should conclude that her bad days look better than your good days – it was probably just a day, and she’s trying to put a positive spin on it in her social media posts. Take it with a grain of salt, like you would anything that’s a press release or put out by a PR team.

      1. I agree with this. The social media posts are the “lie” – not what she’s telling you. You could even take it as a compliment; you’re a good enough friend that she shows you the real her and her real struggles – but everyone else just sees a cute facebook post.

   5. As a mom of three, I don’t think she’s lying. Both are true. It was exhausting and tiring and the meltdown was a PITA but she probably also had fun with her kid and made some nice memories. I just had a weekend at the lake house with the kids that was both exhausting/tiring/meltdowny but also really fun and great memories of sand castles and BBQ. I think of social media as the photo albums of our generation. Our parents didn’t save pics of us having meltdowns, they saved the happy pics. Because life is hard and tiring sometimes so it’s nice to remember the happy stuff. I open up to my friends about my struggles – not necessarily my mom’s cousin who follows my insta for the kid pics.

      Totally fine to unfollow if it’s not working for you, but I don’t think that posting highlights means she’s not being honest. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt on that front.

      1. +1

      2. This. Would it help if the friends acknowledged the disconnect? I once posted a photo of myself tandem wearing my twins, and I got a ton of comments along the lines of “Super mom!” A few close friends mentioned the photo to me when I saw them, and I confided that one of my twins got so hot that he threw up immediately after the picture was taken. We had a good laugh about how social media life differs from real life, and that was it.

      3. +2

      4. I totally agree. My kid has autism and we can have so much fun and giggles and screaming anguish in the same day. People that know me get the full picture of what my life is like, but I think it is ok for some people I once worked with and friends from camp to just see a pic of my kid enjoying the park.

      5. Yup.

         I’ll also add that I don’t want to create a ‘record’ of my kid’s bad days/moments. Like, one day Kiddo will be 15 and maybe someone finds my instagram and I don’t want them to find that hilarious picture of her at two screaming at me, covered in paint, wearing nothing but a diaper — that’s just texted to my friends, and maybe tucked in the scrapbook. But it’s not printed and hung in the hall, and it’s not on social media for the world to see.

         1. I actually find my friends who past pictures of the meltdowns to be some of my favorites.

            I hope these posts are findable when the kids are teenagers.

   6. I think you are approaching it with the wrong mindset — people filter themselves on social media posts to make themselves look great and exciting. It’s not that her “bad” days are actually super awesome or she lies to you. That said, I don’t really understand engaging with the world in that way, and I think sometimes if a friendship is already a little rocky or we don’t have that much in common, I have trouble relating to friends who post like this and it may contribute to drifting further apart. Definitely unfollow (on FB, not sure about insta) so you stay friends but aren’t seeing it in your feed.

   7. I post cute pics on fb for the grandparents and cousins… I’m more honest irl through texts and meetups with friends. Parenting is hard for EVERYONE at times.
      But I feel the green envy monster a lot too, so I get you.

   8. Why do you feel so awful? You can have nice pictures and meltdowns on the same day. It sounds like she’s being open about it, and maybe trying to downplay it to be more approachable to you.

   9. I have a friend who I like very much IRL, but whose social media is so completed disconnected from the real her, that it’s really jarring and makes me think differently of her. Her posts feel very celebrity influencer, with perfectly posed, artistic shots showing off expensive items or exotic locales…but IRL she’s actually a funny, sweet dork who’s completely down-to-earth. It doesn’t make me feel bad, but it does change how I think of her.

   10. Definitely unfollow if it bothers you that much. I think your reaction is definitely more on you to understand and try to change than it is on her. She’s not posting those things *at* you.

4. I am apparently now someone who suffers from allergies (SEUS, not Nashville but not dis-similar). Previously, I’d had what I thought were seasonal allergies and a cat allergy, but nothing that avoiding cats or OTC meds couldn’t handle. For the last 18 months, I’ve suffered.

   To me, that means: no paper piles, no clutter, wood floors, no carpet and very few rugs rugs (and commit to religious vacuuming schedule or splurge on a Roomba). I don’t have curtains (probably shouldn’t get them now I guess; just blinds or plantation shutters). I’m OK with an austere decorating style (esp. since it also lets me know if I’m alone in a room or if there is a roach I need to chase down and kill). Was thinking about replacing an aging leather couch with a cloth one but maybe will stay on Team Leather a while longer.

   BUT I had promised my kids that I’d consider getting a dog when they are in middle school (for years!) and we’re now a year out. If I start allergy shots now (which would include the dog allergy), might I really be able to handle a dog? [The dog allergy is a total surprise — I’ve never had one, but family members have had different breeds for decades and I’ve never felt bothered. OTOH, cats have always bothered me greatly, so I’m surprised that there was no tip-off on the dog allergy.]

   Maybe we should be “foster to adopt” people until we know how I’ll react to a dog? Or look at a -doodle type dog (but will breeders be as understanding)? [I get adopting pets, but now I feel like without a trial run, we won’t be pet people ever. Husband has had dogs before.]

   1. Sign up to foster to adopt with low-allergen dogs like the various doodles. Sometimes people react more to one dog than other so a good way to find a good fit.

   2. Maybe ask your allergist about this? A lot of people with animal allergies can deal with one in their home, but the type of allergies you’re describing sound pretty severe. FWIW– I have a cat and dog that sleep in my bed. They don’t bother me. I got allergy tested and am apparently allergic to both (in large quantities). Apparently, I have a tolerance to my own pets but not to other cats/dogs.

      1. Also– something to think about with the dog– the pollen on my dog’s fur bothers me way more than the dog itself. Unless you’re bathing the dog every day, the dog will have pollen in the fur and will increase the amount of pollen coming into the house.

         1. This can be helped with a short hair dog and brushing its fur regularly (should shake a lot of the pollen out) and keeping a firm once a week wash schedule.

            What helped me the most is getting a prissy dog that doesn’t like to be outside lol.

   3. Assumming you have a mild not severe allergy to dogs
      1) Allergy shots – you won’t experience full relief until 1 to 3 yrs out depending on the severity. Consult your doctor.
      2) Low/no shed dog – contrary to popular belief these types of dogs still can trigger allergies, just far less since their fur sheds very little so you have less exposure to dander. I’ve definitely seen someone with a poodle cuddle it all day, they touched around her face and absentmindedly rubber their own eyes and exploded into sneezes – so wash your hands
      3) No animals in the bedroom, especially not while sleeping
      4) Air purifier – HEPA

   4. Do you really want a dog that badly? The kids are old enough to understand that you’re allergic. Don’t torture yourself.

      1. OP here — I swear dogs have never bothered me when visiting friends and families with dogs, so I was looking forward to getting one, especially as I was turned down to adopt one when single because I worked outside of the house and was gone > 40 hours a week. Especially since with middle schoolers I’d be dividing the dog tasks among a family of 4.

         I guess I’m wondering if dog allergies are perhaps dog-specific or if they could come on all of a sudden with constant exposure. The shutting of my bedroom door thing is a good idea (but my grandmother had a dog who could open doors).

         1. I’d keep the dog out of the upstairs altogether. We used a baby gate at the bottom of the stairs. Doggie bed downstairs and dog accepted that people slept upstairs. Makes keeping the dander/fur levels down in the house much easier when it’s mostly confined to one floor. This assumes a decent sized two storey house though.

         2. I find my allergies are “load” specific, as in, I’m fine with a cat on its own, or cigarette smoke on its own (in small doses), but a longhaired cat who belongs to an indoor smoker rubbing against me in the spring when all the trees are pollinating… oooh boy. Dogs have never triggered allergies for me, though I don’t care for “doggy” smell. I ship my fuzzy dog off to the groomer several times in spring and fall, not because of any smell or allergies to dog dander, but because she is a walking pine-pollen carrier. It sounds like you might be similar in that regard. I second the recommendations to foster, or offer to petsit for friends. That can also help narrow down what breeds/mixes are a good fit for your family.
            Also, over the years, I’ve identified certain allergy triggers that aren’t the “typical” ones – butterfly bush and whatever base Victoria’s Secret uses for their scented products are two big ones for me. Neither come near my house; helps keep the overall load down. I’m looking forward to the day I can remove the privet hedge on one side of my house. That’s another week of misery.

         3. Probably worth talking to your allergist about because I am not a doctor/immunologist/science person. BUT, in my experience with lots of personal allergies, the more exposure to the animal likely the better in terms of allergies. (In my head this is sort of the same principle as allergy shots – if you have continuous exposure, your immune system learns to adjust to it instead of reacting all the time.) When I was living at my parents house who have a dog, I didn’t have any problems with the dog because I was around said dog all the time. Now that I live somewhere else and don’t have a dog, going back to visit them is harder because my system is not used to the dog and I react more.

      2. +1

   5. So I grew up with dogs, worked for a dog groomer at one point, and now have a dog. I would’ve sworn that I had no dog allergies. Lo and behold, I go to get tested for seasonal allergies, and it turns out I do have a mild dog allergy. I don’t really feel like my symptoms are canine-related though- I am most affected by pollinating plants of various species. If you’ve never been bother, and YMMV here, but I would say get the dog. If you’re dedicated to regular brushing/grooming and vacumming, that will take care of a lot of the pet hair and dander in your home. I really haven’t had a problem. Even my live-in boyfriend, who does have a noticable dog allergy, does fine and doesn’t need to take any special medication. And I have a hairy Aussie mix :)

      1. I contracted an allergy from my ex-boyfriend, and cured it by tossing him out of my apartement, with help from Dad! YAY!

   6. Very severe asthma/allergy sufferer. Like all my stuffed animals lived in cupboards and were washed weekly as a child severe.

      I have a doodle (multigen australian labradoodle). I wash her at least weekly and am careful to wash more often if she has highly allergenic saliva from other dogs biting on her at daycare. It is true the things on the coat are worse than the dog.

      Many doodle-or dog owners or rescue would gladly give you their dog for a day on a weekend when they’re going to be out and about for you to see whether you’re allergic. But know that allergies can develop over time, so would you be willing to give away your dog if they got so severe? I think this would be really devastating for the kids and you should consider that–dogs are sensitive little beings, and kids are too. Good luck–this is all hard.

5. Has anyone used Rent the Runway Update or Unlimited? What’s been your experience? Oddly I am considering this as a way to curb my clothes spending as I don’t really care about owning clothes. Thanks!

   1. I have an Unlimited subscription that is currently on pause. I really enjoyed it while I had it. I don’t really buy many clothes and thought it was great for a few months where I had several weddings and work events. I didn’t have much use for it over the summer, and I also needed to cut some costs, which is why I paused it, but I plan to resume it this fall. As an FYI, just because the item is on the page doesn’t mean it will be available when you want it, but I was usually able to find something that I liked whenever I needed something.

      1. I’m currently on pause too but have used the service for about 6 months. The only reason for my pause is because I’m a size 14/16. Everything I have liked from their selection that fit, I have rented. Many of the higher end designers simply do not fit. They replenish their stock quite frequently, I only expect to be paused a month or 2.

         In the meantime, I started Loft Infinite. You get 3 pieces at a time for $69 per month. So far I’ve noticed their shipping isn’t super fast. Then again, I live 5 miles from the RTR distribution center so I’ve been spoiled.

         1. I did RTR Unlimited about 3 years ago at 5’9″ size 12/14. I paused because it was challenging to find enough options that fit. I also was hoping to have more work wear options, and it (understandably given the company’s origins) leaned more towards special occasion dresses. Not sure if that aspect has changed in the last 3 years.

   2. I’ve used Gwynnie Bee for the last year and I’ve loved it, for exactly the reason you’ve described: I want variety in my wardrobe, but I don’t actually need to own several dozen different dresses, not to mention saving dry cleaning fees on nice garments. The two-garment plan is $75/month, and the boxes usually come frequently enough that I have two outfits a week covered, so it works out to about $10/outfit, and I typically wear each one once, which to be honest is about how many wears I get out of a $100 dress, at best.

      GB is marketed as a plus-size option, but they also have regular sizes (I’m an 8). The app is really easy to use to browse and add things to your closet. The return process is easy, just shove it in the envelope and go. I also like being able to try out things I know I would never buy, like a dress with a really quirky print.

6. This item is super cute but firmly in the category of “pretty but completely useless for a real professional”. I think it’s better suited for a home office where all you do is write letters and do crafts. Also, where is the not so cute cloth to wipe all this off? A black stained cloth isn’t so cute in the advert.

   1. Agree. Love the concept, but desk space at work is at a premium. Also, my to do list would NEVER fit on that. I keep it on a spreadsheet on my desktop, and transfer the 3-5 things I will realistically get done in a day into my day planner.

   2. This strikes me as a unitasker that will become clutter/donate pile in about 2 years, if not less. Waste of money, use the free notepads provided by your office.

7. Dealbreakers in relationships that you became OK with? I’m thinking things like smoking, mj use, no pets/kids or yes pets/kids, drinking a much different amount than you, living in different states for a while or long term, 20+ hours a week of video games or playing/watching sportsball, etc. I’m single, approaching my mid-30s, and seeing a lot of my female friends change or shift in what they thought they wanted. Trying not to think of this as settling, as many of them are happy and accepting that their Person has different hobbies/habits than than expected, but interested to see if this happens across the country/is common.

   1. I think this is a natural maturation process of understanding what as you get older is really important to you and what is simply irksome. In addition, sometimes our own preferences change so deal breakers change with it. People are allowed to change their mind, even on super important things like kids.

   2. For me, I’d be OK with lots of sportsball (can be social, among friends, or at a bar) but not the same amount of video games.

      1. I’m fine with someone who plays video games, because I enjoy them as well and I think it’s just as respectable as any other fun hobby (tabletop gaming, pickup soccer, ballroom dancing, curling, horseback riding, knitting, etc.) but I would absolutely have a hard time dating someone who can’t prioritize their time appropriately.

   3. For me, smoking is still an absolute dealbreaker, long distance with no end date, and hardcore conservative who is in any way racist, homophobic, or misogynistic. On the other hand, I have softened somewhat about education level and stated politics. Despite having three degrees myself, I have dated people without a college degree. The two men I’ve dated, in that situation, have both had really solid careers and were a good match for me in terms of passion and dedication to their careers. That is really important to me. My ex-H was a dud with regard to passion about his work, success, and about life in general. I need someone who cares and is excited about life – and me! I’m talking to a guy right now who I initially questioned because he said he was conservative. He said that he is not judgmental or any of the things I stated above. We agreed to start talking, although he knew I was wary, and he has actually checked in with me a couple of times since then (are we okay?). I told him that I march in the Pride parade every year and he laughed and said he had no issues with that, although he might not join me. That is not a problem at all because it’s hella hot, although I might need a bodyguard (strangers all wanting to touch).

   4. If you had asked me in my early 20’s I would have said I never would have married someone who didn’t go to college, but I did, and he is amazing, smart, and one of the hardest workers I have ever met. Also, it used to be important to me that whoever I dated was Catholic, which my husband isn’t (but agreed to raise our kids Catholic)….but then I left the church 2 years ago, so there’s that.

      1. Why did you leave the church if I can ask? We are in the same boat, though for us it happened on 11/9/16.

   5. The biggest change I’ve seen is the physical stuff. One friend is notorious for claiming she won’t date a guy under 6 feet tall, but just about every BF she’s had is shorter than that.

      But in general I think I see the opposite of what you’re talking about – people think they can live with some flaw but later decide they can’t and get divorced. A lot of the things you’ve listed are pretty big dealbreakers and things that aren’t that likely to improve with time.

      1. I wear heels and I tell guys that, if they aren’t a lot taller than I am (I’m 5′ 6″), they have to be okay if I’m taller in heels. My heels are non-negotiable!

         1. NOLA, sometimes I think we are the same person as I am also 5’6 and love the big shoes! Out of sheer luck, I married a guy who is 6’2 so the point became moot.

   6. My kid actually asked me on the weekend why I married her dad if he didn’t like dogs. She really wants a dog. I think when you are young and dreaming about who your person might be, it’s easy to focus on external characteristics like hobbies whereas when you get older, you realize it’s not so much about which particular activities/interests because those can change, but more about shared values. Would I prefer him to love dogs? Absolutely! But he’d also prefer I like cats. I really hate cats. So right now we just don’t have pets. Everything in life is a compromise.

      1. It’s funny because that’s the metaphor I use for my kid when she asks why she shouldn’t marry someone without getting to know them first (this conversation brought to you by Frozen). “What if you met someone and thought they were really nice but then you found out they Don’t! Like! Cats!?! That’s why you have to wait to get to know someone and make sure they’re nice and you get along!”

         But we do converse a lot about how people Like Different Things and that’s OK. “Daddy doesn’t like goat cheese! But you do and mommy does! But mommy doesn’t like pistachios like you and daddy do!”

         1. But what if you finish each other’s sandwiches?????

            1. Hahaha! My morning needed that.

   7. I have not experienced this personally, but have seen a fair number of friends drop or modify some of their deal breakers as they have gotten older. The ones who seem to have done it successfully have not involved compromises on things that are value-driven but I know someone who has let go of her no-kids rule (to marry someone who has them from another relationship but does not want to have more) and another who always swore she would not get involved with someone who was going to spend every weekend playing/watching sports and ended up married to a guy who lives for them (she is always available for brunch on Sundays during football season and has become a champion tailgater for their mutual college team). I know the latter is also not thrilled with how much he drinks when hanging out with his friends and watching sports or after playing a game, but accepts that he gets to make that choice for himself (and he is diligent about avoiding DUI and not an unpleasant person when he drinks).

      I think this is pretty common as one lets go of the absolutes of youth.

   8. As you grow up, you realize that in a relationship, you don’t need to spend every waking minute together? I felt this way when younger (so things like watching baseball on tv annoyed me to no end, because i had no desire to watch an entire baseball game on tv). Now, who cares? He can spend his evening or weekend watching sports on tv, but i can do other things during that time. and we can still have a really good relationship.

      1. +1, this exactly.

      2. Agree. This was a big realization for me. Spouse was never intended to be my only friend and fulfill all my friendship needs. That’s way too much to put on one person. It is good to share some interests and activities, but also vitally important to our relationships that we have hobbies, interests, and friendships not in common with each other.

   9. I think before I met my husband I would have told you that not reading for pleasure was a dealbreaker for me. But he’s super smart, killing it in his PhD-required career, and very intellectually curious, so I don’t find the fact that he doesn’t read to be that big a deal.

      1. Has a PHD but NEVER reads for pleasure? unusual

8. Husband and I are heading to Chicago for three nights in mid August. We’ll be staying with friends in the loop and will have a car. Early/mid 30s. Ideas for things to do or see? Restaurant recommendations for a fancy birthday dinner for small group? We’ve done the architecture river tour. Thinking of seeing Hamilton although have seen the tour so not sure if worth the $ to see Chicago version. Thanks!

   1. Fancy bday dinner: Galit, monteverde, aba.

      Enjoy!

   2. FWIW, I’ve seen Hamilton in Chicago (2 years ago) and the tour. Both were great, but I think Chicago was better. I’ve heard people say Miguel Cervantes is the best Hamilton.

      1. +1. Miguel Cervantes is AMAZING as Hamilton.

         1. It is SO worth it to see Miguel Cervantes!

   3. Acadia for the fancy dinner!

   4. If you are staying within the main city, you won’t need the car and I recommend taking public transit/ Uber to avoid trying to park. What are your interests. The art museums I think are great. Check out the Millenium park summer calendar to see if there are any events for when you are here. Music in the park can be a fun evening. Picking a neighborhood to wander around and look at shops can be fun too. I haven’t been, but there is actually a Hamilton exhibition in addition to the play that’s supposed to be good. There is so much good food here, you can also diy your own food tours. Some people will go check out all the different donut places we have. Walking tours can be fun if weather cooperates. The riverwalk is really fun in the late afternoon early evening to grab a drink and sit. Hope that helps!

      1. Thanks for all the recs! We’ll have a car because we’re driving to the city but we plan on parking it at our friends’ apartment and not using it to drive in the city.

         And just bought the Hamilton tickets! Would love recs for dinner near the theater :)

   5. Restaurant recommendations: definitely try out BOKA or its even fancier sister ALINEA for a reallllly good dinner in the Lincoln Park neighborhood. BOKA’s tasting menu is one of my best restaurant experiences ever.

9. WWYD– we are in a m-hcola, the only debt we have is our mortgage (about $550k). We have $100k in liquid savings and non-retirement index funds. We have an add’l $500k in retirement. We both have fairly stable jobs and make about $250k-$300k/yr atm. We will probably make more in the future (we stepped out to gov for a while to widen our skill set), but we aren’t saving a ton currently beyond the max 401k amounts & an extra $600 mo in index fund investments, because mortgage + 2 daycare pretty much uses all of our money (and this will last for 2 more years).
   We will potentially be buying a new house… if you were me, would you keep your current house & rent it out (pretty decent rental market, I think we’d cover our mortgage and taxes, but maybe not have extras for any major repairs), or sell it and put more of a down payment twds the new house or buy more house.
   The only other major thing we *should* probably buy is a car in the next few years. The idea of passive income in the future is really attractive…. how much buffer to people have when they do this? Another down payment without selling our current house would put us closer to 50k in liquid savings. Any book reccs on this topic?

   1. Back up a second— how much equity do you have in your current house, how much is the house that you’d be buying and what’s your monthly take home after taxes? Are you not able to do 20% down without selling your current house? If your current house is anywhere near as expensive as your future house, I’d say no, I don’t think it’s wise to be near a million dollars in real estate debt.

      1. Have about $200k in equity in current house. 2nd house would probably be about the same or more expensive. We COULD put 20% down, but I wouldn’t want to have the money tied up, so I’d probably put the minimum. And yes, it would end up being about $1mil in debt, but half of it would have a renter paying for it.
         I’m curious how others invest in real estate… or is it just not possible in a hcola?

         1. I guess actually 20% would be hard, but we could do 5% easily.

   2. Completely depends on the house. Your finances are nearly identical to mine, down to the dollar and two in daycare. (Solidarity on this limited savings in the daycare years.) Renting out my current house would likely be a wash – it’s in a suburban neighborhood and though a hot market, most people want to buy in my area or rent smaller. The rental market for a 4 bedroom suburban home is limited and there’s no Air B&B potential or anything. If I still lived close to the CBD in our starter home, I would totally keep and rent. I regret that we didn’t. The rental market for a home in the downtown zip with 3 bedrooms and 2 baths would rent like hotcakes.

      1. Agreed. Not sure what the OP’s current house looks like (#bedrooms, location) but in many markets, the high value rental properties are smaller and located in hip neighborhoods closer to the city. It is a risk to do this (even assuming a good renter)–will the property value go up? But, even if you are willing to take on that risk, do you know if there is a market for a rental property like yours?

         1. Yes, definitely a rental marker- we have a small house in a dt area with a lot of diplomats and young families looking for rentals.

   3. I would run numbers with a realtor and mortgage broker. If the rent is maybe enough to cover mortgage and taxes you will be losing money on this home each month. If you don’t have a cushion fund for this house + the new one, you will have to reach into your emergency fund for repairs, etc. Do you want to do that?
      Short term money question – if you couldn’t find a renter could you easily carry two mortgages? Because that’s what will happen. An income property is a pure numbers decision.

   4. How do you like dealing with tenants (as in, finding them, and then fixing issues with the house as the renters tell you about them)? Alternatively, how comfortable are you with finding a property management company you trust to manage the tenants for you? Are you in any way emotionally attached to your current house such that it would be stressful if a tenant didn’t care for it to your expectations? What are the major upkeep, replace or repair items that will most likely need your time and money in the 1-3 year future for the house that you will be renting out? Do you have the cash on hand to make those repairs, or will you have the cash flow to do it? Are you OK with the possibility that money you thought you’d be spending to fix up the house you live in may well end up going to the rented house in order to fix anything that went wrong or needs upgrading to attract full market price rent?
      As you are grappling with whether to sell or rent the first house, bear in mind that rental houses cost money to keep up, same as your primary residence. Yes you are building equity and/or creating a new cash flow avenue, but it’s going to cost you along the way in property management fees, repairs, upgrades, and insurance, etc.
      I don’t have any book recommendations, just cash flow challenge experience from owning rentals that always seem to need work, and hearing stories from friends who also rent.

   5. Real estate investing isn’t passive income. It’s a business like any other. Do you want to have a rental as a side business?

      1. Yes, I do want that… but not sure I know exactly what that entails or how to learn, which makes me nervous.

         1. Watch “Pacific Heights.” It’s an old movie, but I use it to illustrate landlord tenant law and property law in general (and also: the idea of drafting for when things go wrong vs assuming that everything is rainbows and unicorns).

   6. All it takes is one sh*tbird tenant to wreck your cash flow for a house. Can you pay two mortgages for an unspecified amount of time if you need to? If not, then don’t become a landlord unless you absolutely can’t help it. I’d sell my old house in a second if I could (depressed area that’s never really recovered from the crash). I wouldn’t recommend owning rental property unless you bought a place with the intent of it being a rental.

      1. We did buy it with the idea of doing this (that’s why we picked this specific size house in this neighborhood), but now that we are actually facing it… we are trying to see what we really should do. Totally valid points about terrible tenants.

         1. Having just gotten my house re-rented after tenants who paid the rent, but broke everything they touched and expected it fixed ASAP, I’d rather punch myself in the face while setting my wallet on fire than be a landlord. Those tenants decided to buy a house. I wish them many unplanned, expensive projects.

         2. You’re probably not still reading, but I thought I’d give the perspective of someone who’s probably almost a decade farther along in life-stage: I personally would hate being a landlord, but my friends who held onto their first place (we live in the city, so mostly 1 or 2br condos in a hot neighborhood) have done really well financially and love it. They’ve had the benefit of 8+ years of a hot real estate market and a decade+ bull market driving a rental market, but over time most people do well in real estate if they pick a good property. The families that have been happiest have some DIY skills and at least one adult who’s not conflict averse (for dealing with the tenants). Of course you could lose money or have headaches that many on this board (including me) wouldn’t want — but it sounds like you’ve planned on being a landlord for a long time and like the idea of owning real estate, so I say go for it!

            1. I always check back. Thanks… I know a lot of people a little older that have done it and it really seems a way to build wealth… ahh so many good points to think about.

   7. Late to the party, but if this is true then sell it – “pretty decent rental market, I think we’d cover our mortgage and taxes, but maybe not have extras for any major repairs”

      If you’re barely going to break even on the house then no of course don’t rent it. You need to build in some extra for repairs and some extra to pay yourself for the time and energy you put into being a landlord. Particularly with a rental, something will always need fixing. All of those little things that, as a homeowner, you sort of put off for another day? A renter will want them fixed pretty promptly. It’s a big help if you’re handy so you don’t have to pay someone every time the toilet makes a weird noise or the closet door sticks or some difficult to reach light bulb is out.

   8. We have had rental properties for over 10 years now but I will caution that my husband is very handy and we rarely have had to hire anyone for repairs. Usually hot rental markets also mean contractors are in hot demand too so you pay extra for them. We had long term rentals that we sold and were able to pay off student loans and be debt free except our mortgage. We also did a 1031 with the true rental house and used it to buy a beach house that we now rent out. Pay attention to how taxes will impact you down the road. I am not sure how a residence turned rental house fares long term on taxes. We sold our residence turned rental house within 4 years of buying another home so we were able to take out all the equity tax free. It is still work and you still have to be involved with it. I call our beach house my side hustle and I enjoy talking to our guests and all the marketing and legal requirements that go into it but it still takes up time. So to sum it, real estate is a great idea if you have the time to devout to it and can easily swing both mortgages.

10. Speaking of DIY projects – has anyone painted a small space before while you were still living in it?! I am desperate to paint my tiny studio (about 200-300 sqft) which hasn’t been painted since before I moved in 6 years ago. I want to get rid of the ugly builder beige walls so bad! But it’s such a small space, I have no idea what I would do with all my stuff. Move everything to one side of the room and paint one side, then move everything back and paint the other side? I asked one painting company for a quote but they had no interest in a space so small.

    1. Move everything to the centre of the room. Throw a tarp over it. Paint. Maybe stay at a hotel or friend’s overnight while it dries. Move stuff back. You can pile a lot of stuff on your bed. It’ll be a tight fit but manageable.

    2. Just push your stuff to the center and paint. It won’t take long!

    3. Yes, try to pile everything up against one wall (upend your bed) and paint the other three walls. Let them dry and do a second coat. Move furniture near the freshly painted walls a day later and paint the final wall, 2 coats. Don’t rush on pushing furniture close to the walls — let them dry.

    4. Pack everything up in the middle of the room and get a hotel room for the two days you are painting? Depends on how much stuff you have.

    5. you could also try to find a local handyman who might be interested in taking on the painting job. Are there other small fixes that you might be able to hire him to help with? Roll it all together and it might be worth his time. Alternately, try to find someone in Jan or Feb. Many odd-job handyman people need income more in the winter months, and so will take on jobs that they wouldn’t normally do, in order to keep the income coming in.

    6. Also, if you can box up some of the stuff and put it in the kitchen, hallway, storage unit, whatever and move all of the big furniture to the center of the room and cover with drop cloths, that might make it more likely that a handyman would want to take on the painting job. I have hired local painters (not affiliated with a painting company) to paint individual rooms which were small. They usually charge an hourly rate, and anything you can do to make the work easier on them will make them more likely to take on the job.

    7. If you can afford it get a pro to paint it – like the handyman suggested above. They will have good strategies for dealing with your stuff, and be able to do the job quickly and well since they’ll have experience and perhaps tools that you don’t have. I would stay in a hotel for a couple of nights while they do it and consider that part of the cost of the job in my budget.

11. Late in the day, but: I may be able to surprise my husband with a quick 40th birthday trip somewhere for 2 days or so. We’re in the Midwest – where should I be considering? Vegas came to mind but more for spas; he’s not a gambler.

    1. New Orleans would be fun! So would Austin. Hard to say without knowing what airport’s nearby. This time of year when it’s hot AF, Banff/Lake Louise would be awesome, but maybe a bit of a stretch for a weekend.

    2. Sedona?

12. Any recommendations for comfortable breakfast nook chairs with a small footprint? Even foldable is OK. We’ve gone through a few sets of hand-me down chairs and seem to like ones that have horizontal bars to put feet on. Other than that, it just needs to be small and comfy!

13. I have been a non equity partner at midlaw for several years now. I was most recently told that the powers that be, including 2 people whose practices depend on my work and have every reason to keep me here, that this is not going to be my year because of while my book of business is growing, they want to see another year of major growth so there’s a clear upward pattern. Normally I would just take the challenge and think that next year may be the year, but my firm is merging with a larger firm so this is really the only shot I think I’ll have for a long time. I don’t know a single equity partner at the new firm and would need a super majority of their votes. More than that, now the expectations and thresholds for equity partnership will change and make it a harder thing for me. I AM SO DONE. I’ve made many sacrifices (all nighters, missing kids’ events, working while family is at Disney) trying to get to that last level. My firm is not up or out. The fact that I’ve billed the lost hours and have served on countless committees (recruiting, etc) did not matter at all – they are promoting people with large books of business who have never been high billers. Now, I’m wondering if I did this all wrong and I should be telling people I don’t have capacity to help, etc. which is actually common at my firm and spending more time with my kids, sleeping better, and not trying to get to equity since going the extra mile on taking billable work did not get me anywhere. What would you do in my shoes? FWIW, the income for my level is around around 200k a year, while equity partners make at least 50k each year (although they make a capital investment of about that amount that is borrowed from future distributions). I’m fortunately in a situation where that additional amount of money won’t make much of a difference (house is paid off, spouse works and gets paid more than me, kids in public school, etc) on a day to day, but I feel like nonequity partners aren’t treated as real partners at my firm.

    1. Try posting again on today’s post?

    2. I agree that you should post on today’s post, but here is my take. And note that you have a typo on what equity partners make.

       I’m a nonequity partner and I’ve come to terms with the fact that that’s probably all I’ll ever be. (Was actually equity briefly, and then rolled back). Your firm may be different, but at ours, all partners are basically the same for day-to-day stuff and no one knows what you are (but they can probably guess). I make plenty of money for my needs and work the amount I’m comfortable working, given my kid situation. I’m just not good at the business development side and don’t enjoy it as much, so I’m a good fit for a service partner. It’s a great life and I’m ok not moving to the very top level because I don’t want to put in what it would take to get there.

       You ask if you did it all wrong. I hate to say it, but if your goal was to make equity partner, then yes. I think it’s pretty clear that firms value origination above all else, and you can get by with minimal firm contributions on committees and still get promoted. This is a common topic in our women’s groups at work. But if you enjoy that side of firm life, then it wasn’t wasted.

       Finally, it sounds like you’re in a good place with your current firm, but I would look at what the situation is like for nonequity partners at the new firm that you’re merging with. Are they open to long-term non-equities? Many are, some aren’t. If they are, I think it’s a very reasonable approach to just enjoy the life you’ve made and be happy where you are.

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