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If you've been hanging out in the comments section, this pump may look (or sound) familiar — commenters have been singing the praises of it for weeks now! (I think a direct quote from one reader was that the shoe was “so, so, so comfortable.”) The shoe is ALSO only $60 at DSW, is on-trend with the block heel, and is the perfect shade of tan/caramel to flatter pretty much all skin tones. (It's also available in navy.) Nice! Optimum Pump If you'd rather a lower heel, this shoe is also from Franco Sarto and looks very similar. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonymous
anyone have experience ordering from grana? any specific recommendations?
Pleasantly Surprised
I wore my hair in its natural state today – curly – and I have been surprised at how many people have complimented me on it. I usually straighten it or pull it back in a low bun with the front layers blown out. I am getting my hair cut on Wednesday and want to move to a cut that flatters the curl a little bit more, so the compliments were nice to hear!
Cookbooks
Embrace the curl!
Two Cents
Curls are gorgeous! Go read Naturally Curly, the book by the Deva Curl founder. Also try to find a stylist who specializes in the Deva Curl cut or more generally someone who is very experienced cutting curly hair.
Now that my hair has started to thin, I especially appreciate my curls even more because it hides the thinness in a way that straight hair cannot.
NY CPA
I started embracing my curly hair about 1.5 yrs ago, and it’s SO much better than trying to fight it.
I read the book mentioned above, and I started using Deva Curl products (specifically I use the no-poo, one condition, and light hold gel), and honestly, it’s a game changer! My hair has never looked better!! I didnt get any special cut, and I find it looks fine (although maybe it would look even better? who knows…)
Anon
I have hair that will only curl when it’s humid and new people are always surprised the first time they see me in summer with curly hair. I get SO.MANY.compliments. I don’t love it curly (I don’t not love it, it’s just not my fave), but the compliments and the zero effort morning routine sure are nice. Because my hair texture isn’t naturally curly-curly, the Deva Curl method was a disaster for my hair that took months to grow out. Long layers do well showing off my curls. (My natural texture is sort of like hot roller curls that’ll spring up into tighter curls when it’s humid.)
Curly
I have hair that will only curl when it’s humid and new people are always surprised the first time they see me in summer with curly hair. I get SO.MANY.compliments. I don’t love it curly (I don’t not love it, it’s just not my fave), but the compliments and the zero effort morning routine sure are nice. Because my hair texture isn’t naturally curly-curly, the Deva Curl method was a disaster for my hair that took months to grow out. Long layers do well showing off my curls. (My natural texture is sort of like hot roller curls that’ll spring up into tighter curls when it’s humid.)
Anon
I posted a couple of weeks ago about breaking up with my blow drier. I got a slightly more layered cut (I have a longish bob with sideswept bangs). While my hair is wet I take sections and twist them in the direction away from my face. Probably 6 sections if I go all the way around my head, top layer only. It dries into soft, more intentional looking waves.
For my bangs, it would be better if I grew them out but for now I either clip them back while drying or I flat iron them when dry.
Tell your hairdresser what you want to achieve. A good one will know the right cut for air dried hair
Anonymous
Fair amount of financial discussion here lately. Curious as to whether any others here are pursuing financial independence/early retirement — meaning that you’re planning to say in your job that you trained for (law, medicine, whatever) until you hit a certain net worth or 401k amount. Doesn’t necessarily mean that you’d retire to Fl at age 40 – just that you’d live your primary profession, pursue a part time job or hobby job or start a business etc. Would love to hear from anyone who is doing/has done this or what net worth you’d have to attain to consider this?
Anonymous
*leave your primary profession.
Anon for this
Yep, this is my goal but unfortunately I also have expensive hobbies so not sure how feasible it is. I have some rental properties that once renovated (paid for by my biglaw gig) will cashflow nicely if all goes well. I’m also trying to build up my index funds (contributions currently on hiatus during renovations). Once I have enough passive income to live off, I may go solo and specialize in my very niche area (and only take clients I want to work with), knowing I have some cushions if I fail.
Veronica Mars
I’m definitely pursuing financial independence, although for me, that means being as aggressive as possible in my retirement savings, and eventually buying and paying off a house (houses in my MCOL city are achievable). I don’t know if I’d ever have a number I’d feel comfortable retiring at, but I’m very keenly aware that I have a huge horizon for investing (in my 20s) and I want to set myself up for as much success as possible.
Cornellian
I am definitely setting myself up to be able to step off the fast track. I think if I retired now (at 30), by conservative estimates my retirement savings would be (2016 dollars) $3 mn at 65. I haven’t run numbers in a while, but I’m worth about 700K right now (some is equity, however).
So in a couple years I”ll have a serious look at whether I want to add to that lump, or step away and find something that allows me to not touch the principal while it grows.
Veronica Mars
GO YOU! That’s seriously impressive!
BB
I would like to do this, but haven’t put a proper plan in place yet. My goal is to go to part-time gigs around age 55, which is about 20 years out for me. The one part that I am conflicted about however, is spending money right now on things like food and travel. Yes, I could save more if I didn’t take international trips, but I’m young and able-bodied now…not guaranteed for when I’m 60.
Anonymous
This is my conflict. On the one hand, I would like to retire early, so I probably shouldn’t be spending much on international trips. On the other hand, I don’t want to work until I’m 65-70, only to get diagnosed with cancer or something shortly after I retire and not get to enjoy retirement (this has happened to multiple people I know). I’m trying to figure out the right balance of spend vs. save.
Cornellian
I find it useful to imagine myself at 50, 60, 70, etc. I think people focus on experiences they want in their 20s before they have kids/settle down/start saving, etc. But also think about yourself at 50 or 60, on the other end of your career/raising kids/whatever. I’d still like to be going on vacations at 60, you know?
Sanders
I am firmly in the camp of travelling now, both because I am able-bodied now and because travel is enriching and I would like to capitalize on the experiences while I am still young(ish) and working. Of course I hope I will still have money left over to travel later on, and try to save accordingly, but no way am I depriving myself of travel now so I can do it all in retirement.
I am happy to see some of the numbers people are using here as goals. Financial calculators keep telling me I will need $6 million to retire at 70, and that just seems impossible. I’m going to go back to check some of the assumptions used in that calculation after reading here.
Anonymous
The biggest problem I’ve noticed with the calculators is it assumes I’ll need 80%/month of my current income (or something like that) to live on when I retire, which is nowhere near realistic since my salary is currently pretty high and my expenses will be much lower once student loans are paid.
Anonymous
We were pursuing this until the point my spouse developed a debilitating disease that took him out of the workforce in his early 30’s and added really significant costs to our budget. Thanks to sheer determination, I’ve been able to keep my high-compensation job and build up significant savings still, but this experience, which is more common than many people think, changed how I approach life and spending.
If you go down this route, make sure you have contingency plans for this – life insurance, disability insurance, plans for extraordinary non-insured healthcare costs.
January
I have wondered about early retirement/financial independence, but I also have a relative who has many health problems, some quite serious, and I think health care has been a real issue for him. (Also, he is a burden on my parents, in part because of some other characteristics that make him not a very good patient –
e.g., not keeping proper track of his medications). So I don’t think I would stop working altogether. But I do think about it.
Walnut
We are saving aggressively in both retirement accounts and investment accounts right now to achieve FI, but not to retire early. We would like to get to a point where we can take advantage of any opportunity (travel, dream job, whatever) without being concerned about what it might cost us.
One huge factor I have not been able to put my finger on is the potential future cost of healthcare. We have awesome insurance right now, but it is tied to my job. Realistically, how much should one have set aside to cover future medical expenses in case an awesome opportunity means I step away from my job?
Anonymous
I posted at 3;37 so will take a stab at some thoughts. First, if you expect to truly self insure until 65 (Medicare eligible), it could cost multiple millions per person. As an example, if you get cancer and use a new immunotherapy, the cost per course of that drug alone could be $75-125,000 (and can take multiple courses).
Under the new AHCA, if you need to purchase health insurance on your own, for instance because you have preexisting conditions, it could be anywhere from $5-20,000 per year per person before coverage kicks in, and coverage is expected to decline. There aren’t a lot of funds for high-risk patients.
Under the ACA, the plan itself is far more reasonable and covers more.
All of which to say, my vote is for Single Payer every time.
Cornellian
Yeah, the repeal of ACA is disastrous for small business owners/early retirees. One of the strongest arguments I can find for single payer or something close is that tying insurance to jobs for folks in the middle and upper classes and poverty to lower class folks results in a huge distortion of the labor market.
Walnut
I’m not sure the repeal of ACA is much different for small business owners depending on location. My parents insurance could run ~50k this year for premiums and deductible. I’m not sure what their out of pocket max is, but I’m sure that just tacks on more.
I suppose I could just plug in a potential 50k per year in health costs assuming some years we’d hit that number and others wouldn’t. Has anyone run across any data sources that might help put a finger on what realistic annual health care expenses might be as you age?
Anonymous
Not to be snarky, but yeah – insurers have this data. It can’t really be extrapolated at an individual level – insurance rates are set by spreading risk across a large enough population.
I can promise that if you get a common chronic condition like diabetes, cancer, an autoimmune disease or even a car accident, you’ll blow through $50k in no time at all, and you may not be insurable again until Medicare kicks in (unless you qualify for disability).
anon
This is impossible to predict. You could be hit by a car tomorrow and get a traumatic brain injury. You could be diagnosed with Multiple sclerosis at 35, and need physical therapy yearly for the rest of your life. You could get cancer at 42. These are all things that can happen to you even if you are eating health, working out 3-5 times per week, doing yoga, blah blah blah….
Randomness, genetics, mutations, bad luck are mostly outside of our control.
All health care expense estimators are useless. No one’s health is that predictable.
And we have no idea what our health care system will look like next year… nevermind 10 or 20 years from now.
Suburban
Kinda. My husband’s job is tough, but he makes more than we ever planned. So, we’re thinking in about ten years we’ll be set up for FI. Realistically, we’ll probably both still work, and I will likely keep this gig, so it won’t look like FI from the outside. But it will be nice.
Anon for this
My husband and I are thinking about it. Assuming we stick to the current plan (and the markets don’t collapse) in about 30 months we will have $1 million in cash and about $450k equity in our house, and no debt other than the remainder of our mortgage (HCOL area so that would still be about $400k). At that time we will be 37 and 40 years old. That would allow us to take a serious step back from our current careers which are all consuming. It would be great to have a 9-6 job with little or no evening and weekend work and be able to take actual vacation.
Anonymous
Why not look for a 9-6 job sooner? I understand that if you’re both retiring in the more traditional sense, you need an enormous nest egg. But taking a more laid back 9-6 job isn’t retirement. You can easily do that and keep saving for retirement. You might not even have to leave your industry or take a huge pay cut to do so. Lots of in-house law jobs meet your description of no weekend or evening work and ability to actually take vacations.
Anon for this
A couple reasons. (1) Because of traffic and the location of most in-house jobs we would either need to move (to make commute more livable) or accept that we’d be spending 1 1/2 – 2 hours a day commuting in a car. We currently each have about an hour walking/public transit commute. Jobs are stressful and exhausting at times but also good at times. (2) Because of some family dynamics I anticipate at some point my husband and I will need to financially support my BIL for an extended period of time. He has an auto-immune disease and is working now but no one knows how long he will be able to work. He is in his early 30s now, but he didn’t meaningfully work in his 20s because of this and he didn’t finish college. Currently he lives with FIL. Because of the nature of the auto immune disease it is will likely prevent him for working at some point but not dramatically shorten his life expectancy. So once FIL passes away and he is no longer able to work we will need to support him to some extent. We expect FIL to leave a trust for him but we expect it will be unlikely to cover everything he might need. Also, its unlikely he will work enough quarters to qualify for social security benefits.
For now at least it makes sense to stick it out a bit longer. Also, I still feel like I’m learning skills I wouldn’t necessarily learn in house in my current job but would be useful for an in house job. I think my exit options will be better in 2+ years also. A lot of the jobs I look at want 8-10 years experience and I only have 7 currently.
anon
You should not have to support brother indefinitely.
It sounds like he will eventually qualify for disability/SSI (every qualifies for this at least) and Medicare/Medicaid. Make sure FIL sets up the trust carefully so BIL can continue to get his disability/Medicare/Medicaid benefits while retaining use of the trust income for his well being.
Anonymous
I did this at 29 (left the law for a very low-paying industry). We live in a LCOL area and my husband has a very good job so we haven’t had to cut back on fun spending but even in a worst case scenario of death/divorce my salary would allow me to pay my bills. I work 40 hours/week, earn a salary and have benefits like retirement matching and health insurance through my employer, so I definitely don’t think of myself as retired. We don’t have anything close to a $1M net worth but are still saving aggressively. I think sometimes when you’re in these high-paying professions you can feel locked in, and I admit that I would not have leaned out before my loan debt was paid off, but I also think it can be helpful to remind yourself that hundreds of millions of Americans survive on a five-figure household income. If your job is tolerable it makes sense to stay for as long as you can, but I wouldn’t wait until I had a $1M net worth to leave a job that was making me miserable. Life’s too short and you can get by on much less.
Anonymous
Just out of curiosity, what industry did you leave for?
Anonymous
Marketing.
Anonymous
OP here — you all are giving me a lot to think about so keep it coming. 4:04 hits it on the head for me though — went into biglaw (when it started at 125k though a few yrs into my associate yrs the base rose to 160k). Even going from there to a gov’t job 10 yrs later – there was a severe case of OMG – as I was “only” going to be paid 150ish. Sometimes coming from these initial jobs in these high paying fields, it is necessary to step back and consider that my parents raised a family on the salary I make by myself now — and this was in NJ not in a super low COL area. Takes some effort to realize that I don’t have to chase it forever if I don’t want to (and right now I really really really don’t) . . . .
Anon
I mean, that’s a career change. It’s nothing like early retirement.
Anon for this
My retirement nest egg goal is $4.5 million of income-generating assets. I feel like we’re so far away from that. We only have $200k in retirement accounts now, because we both finished grad school in late 20s. That delayed our ability to generate income to contribute to retirement accounts. We finally paid student loans off this year.
But then, of course, we decided to have a kid. There goes another $20k for childcare, plus additional monthly payments to the college fund. And now we’re hoping for a second in the next year, so that would be another huge chunk.
Ultimately, I like to think that we’re pursuing early retirement, but I think “early” is going to look more like 55 or 60 instead of 45.
Cornellian
Yeah, kids throw a wrench in the numbers, for sure. Instead of thinking of moving my date of retirement around, I think about retirement a bit differently. Stage 1 retirement is the freedom to work a job that buys groceries and nothing else, while still expecting a solid retirement. So that may be earning between 15 and 60K a year depending on where you live. I’m more interested in that than I am in proper traditional retirement.
Anon for this
That’s a good way of thinking about it. I liked your post above — how you thought about saving a chunk, and then letting it sit until “official” retirement at 65. And then just doing something else in the interim that gave you enough money to live on. What calculator (if any) did you use to figure out how big your principal needs to be to start Stage 1?
Anonymous
Working on figuring this out for myself. The metric that makes the most sense for me is to get the 401k up to a certain number – such that if I added nothing more a “reasonable” growth rate (5-7%) until age 63 would get me to $2 million+. Then I could consider leaving for a lower paying job bc I wouldn’t feel the pressure to hit 18k every yr — though I question my own self. Would I “downsize” to a lower paying job and still pressure myself to put in 18k or as close to 18k as possible or would I really be able to step back and say– I can pay my yearly expenses; put aside 5-10k/yr in cash; and after that all that goes into the 401k is 7k (or whatever) and that’s perfectly ok.
Cornellian
For the first cut at a number, I more or less guessed at what a reasonable cost of living would be in a MCOL area. I had data on how much I spent as a graduate student in a LCOL area (13K) and when high on the hog in Manhattan (90K). I came up with 50K as a rough starting place. As a rough way of calculating, you can multiply your 50K by 25 to get to your retirement number (1.25 million). I padded that for healthcare costs and the hope to contribute to my kids’ education and to charities.
Once I had wrapped my head around that number and started making decisions accordingly, I started playing with more complex calculators. My favorite medium-complexity one is the “early retirement” calculator at networthify. If you search those two words it’s the first link.
Anonymous
So would you not pursue any kind of slow down/FI/early retirement until you had $1.25 in retirement accounts? Or an overall $1.25 net worth? Or are you just looking to save enough principal so that your principal amount if invested at 5% or 7% or whatever would grow to $1.25. I understand the concept of living expenses * 25 — just trying to figure out how that number is used in the decision process?
Cornellian
Once I got my number, I plugged it in to a compound interest calculator. Then you have to play with assumptions about how inflation will look and how much taxes will be. So, in theory, I would be okay with stopping the intense job and moving to Stage 1 when my retirement savings (I wouldn’t count equity or anything I plan on using for kids’ college or charity, etc) looks like it will hit 1.25 by the time I want to retire. So of my roughly 700K net worth, I count about 350K as retirement. 250K is equity that I don’t count, and of my 200K in taxable savings, I only count half as “retirement” dogeared.
In actuality I’d like to earn enough to at least making the 5,500 IRA contribution every year. Healthcare costs are so impossible to predict I definitely don’t want to pull the plug too early. I think some people are more aggressive and willing to be they can find another high paying job, but it’s not really my nature.
FI enthusiast
You might also like the FireCalc retirement calculator. It allows you to input a couple of different variables like portfolio, years in retirement, etc., and then runs it through a bunch of different financial cycles so that you can see when you would run out of money. This is more of a rough metric for how things would perform vs. finding “the number”, but it helps you see the bigger picture when thinking about FI.
FI enthusiast
We’re big proponents of ERE/MMM/FI, and have designed our life with the goal of bailing out. Except, we enjoy working, and we really like the life we’ve built, which includes pretty awesome jobs. Our number keeps increasing, even though the math technically works out for us now. We’ll have ~$45k passive income this year, and if we were still living in LCOL area, that would just about cover our expenses for the year. If we want to be fancy, we’d each need to pull in ~$10k income. Since we live in ridiculously HCOL, our expenses are much higher, and the 4% rule is currently not in effect for us. However, we project that we’ll have a net worth of roughly $2M by the time we’re 35, in a mix of age-locked retirement accounts, and stocks and bonds, some of which generate passive income. The big debate is whether we want to bail out for a year and go travel 100%, or cut back from traditional jobs to freelancing while traveling a bit, or keep our current jobs and just take bigger/longer vacations. We both have the ability to work remotely, so we’ve talked about living somewhere for a summer and keeping our current jobs, but the debate is what to do with our apartment. It feels like anything less than a 3-month stint means we should just keep it, but if we’re going to do longer than 6 months, we’d need to take the plunge to sell everything and be wanderers. We don’t plan to have kids, so that frees up a lot of options. We do worry about healthcare, even though we’re both young and healthy at the moment.
Cornellian
Nice. Do you own your house? I just ignore mine in most of my calculations, but realistically, my next house probably won’t be as expensive as my Manhattan condo so I may be being too conservative.
The ever increasing number is such a trap. I’ve stepped back from the FI stuff for a bit to focus on our new baby, and just automated some investments in the meantime. I used to constantly find myself trapped in thinking about reaching my number and finding the perfect number, rather than enjoying my life in the moment and letting my life unfold a bit and reveal what it is I want AFTER this high earning stage.
FI enthusiast
We don’t own our apartment, so the rent cost is included in our expenses. In our area, the average home price is $1M, so we don’t have high hopes of buying a home any time soon. If we do bail out, we’d most likely move to a place with a more reasonable housing market. We really want to do a fixer upper, which would take a ton of time, so that’s an area where we hope to build sweat equity if we’re not working traditional jobs.
We definitely struggle with the mental FI creep. We used to look at finances every week, and we’ve been busy lately, so that’s down to roughly 1x per month. But we love seeing a new dot in Mint in the net worth tab. We were VERY focused on the ERE lifestyle when we first started, but we’ve relaxed substantially. This is in large part due to the fact that we’ve decided not to bail out at 30 (we’re 31 now), so we don’t feel as much pressure to cut cut cut and save save save to meet this theoretical number. We don’t want to fall prey to the old adage, “How much is enough? Just a little bit more.”
Anon
My husband would like to retire early but he’s 9 years older than me and the way I figure the numbers, every year early he retires is an additional year I have to work, making our retirement dates more than nine years apart. It’s very frustrating
I used to think we could retire on $2mm with a paid off house and kids already through college, but I’m starting to doubt that. Investment returns just aren’t where they were on a long term basis.
I read a actuarial rule of thumb that you should have enough savings to live on interest plus a 4% annual withdrawal. It’s just a rule of thumb, but when I look at what that would give me monthly, it’s worrisome.
I feel trapped working forever.
Anon
*inflation plus 4%, not interest.
Two Cents
I recently attended a cousin’s funeral and was struck by the compassion and competence of the funeral staff. I know that people on here are always talking about their careers and wanting a change. I think becoming a funeral director would be such a great job for someone who is organized, compassionate, and genuinely enjoys being with people. They provide an invaluable service at such an emotionally fraught time.
Pleasantly Surprised
This is something I have thought about doing when I am sick of the corporate rat race.
Anomnibus
Sorry to hear about your cousin, but I’m glad the funeral director was competent and compassionate. I agree, that’s definitely a good job for someone compassionate, but I’m sure it also takes a lot of emotional strength as well. You’d have to maintain composure during some seriously tragic times. Kids losing their parents, parents losing their kids, young widows and widowers, the deaths of truly amazing people who seem to pass long before they should have . . . Not that people are necessarily relying on you to be their rock, but you still have to be strong. I’ll bet you get used to it over time though, and it’s probably rewarding to know that in some way, you’re helping a lot of people through a tough time.
Pleasantly Surprised
I am good at this. I always joke that I am the one you want around in an emergency because I am able to keep my cool. I generally do not have a wide range of emotions – I do not get particularly excited or overly happy and, on the flip side, do not get upset at things a good number of people would be very moved by. It’s not always a great characteristic, but it comes in handy in this type of situation!
Anonymous
I am the same way — able to function in the worst of situations. But I am also really weepy at some odd times (the end of Raising Arizona; the Moana movie). It’s an odd combo.
Anonymous
I have a friend who went back to school to become a funeral director and was unable to find a job. Just FYI in case anyone is considering changing careers – look into your options locally first!
EP
I’m an event planner and I’ve been considering switching over to funeral management for a while. To me, it seems more meaningful than most any other kind of event. However, funeral directing schools are few and far between in my area and you’re really getting the embalmer’s license. In other words, the schooling is largely about the dead bodies and less so about the funeral management. Watch a few videos on the restorative arts and you might change your mind!
KateMiddletown
This is sooo interesting to me. I’ve had a few clients pass away in the last few months with very different approaches to funeral/celebration of life and public/private mourning. I can’t believe I didn’t realize that funeral planners (just like wedding planners) actually exist. Very cool!
Anon
Do it. I have been in the situation of being a grieving family member (both times losing someone who died way too young) and it made all the difference in the world having a calm person I could rely on. It was very comforting. I didn’t want someone to be my grief counselor (I actually had an actual grief counselor) but I wanted someone to lean on for the details and both times, the funeral director was that person I had to make some decisions but they made the decisions very easy.
KS IT Chick
The field has changed a lot in the last 20 to 25 years. The funeral director who was friends with my FIL had an embalmer’s certificate that dated to the 1950’s. The man who bought the business from him and actually arranged the funerals for my FIL & MIL had a BS in Biology, an MA in Theology, then an MS in Mortuary Science. He had worked in a biotech lab for 3 years while he was working on the MA before he started the MS. He was incredibly organized and understanding of what my husband (an only child) and I were facing.
anon
Even better…. work for Hospice.
Anon
Need some advice about how to deal with my husband’s relationship with food, especially now that our daughter is getting older.
Some backstory- he was raised in a weird environment where money was very tight but he lived in one of the wealthiest resort towns in the country. He never went hungry or anything like that, but his mom definitely mismanaged what little money they had so he felt like they were always living on the edge and had no safety net.
Over the past few years, he’s been developing this thing where he’s obsessed with food not going to waste. He literally treats himself like a human garbage disposal. If I have a steak and leave a few of the fatty bits, he’ll eat them off my plate. He’ll clear the plates of dinner companions, he’ll eat leftovers from our fridge that have definitely been in there too long, he’ll eat things he *hates* if he’s served them at a wedding. When we go to friends houses or my parents and they’re serving dinner and ask if anyone would like anymore of x, his question is literally are you going to throw it away? If the answer is yes (for example because who wants soggy leftover salad) he eats whatever is remaining, even if it is an enormous portion.
I’ll admit that I find it uncomfortable when he hoovers up everyone’s leftovers when we got out to dinner and kinda gross when he eats leftovers that have been sitting in the fridge for a really really long time. But I feel a new sense of urgency dealing with this because we have a daughter and I saw how parents weird relationships with food really effed up some of my friends.
Has anyone ever dealt with anything similar? Can anyone help me articulate why this could be not ideal for our daughter?
He’s not really open to therapy.
Anon
I think you should work on getting him receptive to therapy. Because that sounds like A LOT to take on by yourself.
Anomnibus
Sounds like food anxiety caused by scarcity, deep down he’s probably still worried he might not at again for a while, so he feels compelled to eat what he can. And it sounds like something he should get help for, but he can’t seem to grasp or accept that he has a problem, much less that it’ll mean trouble for his daughter.
Maybe you need to in from another angle, and think about what kind of relationship you want her to have with food. What does a healthy relationship look like? Then figure out how you can change your own habits to model that to her, maybe that’ll help clue him into the fact that his eating isn’t going to help.
If he seems convinced this is an issue of food going to waste, have you tried making smaller meals so there are no leftovers and hardly enough for seconds?Have you looked into composting, which may help him feel better about some food going uneaten? Can you get a dog to gobble up some things, like leftover fish? Neither is a long term solution, because the compulsion needs to be addressed, but it could help him in the short term.
Anonymous
People should eat when they are hungry, or (occasionally) to be polite. If your daughter learns that food has to be eaten no matter if she is hungry, it could set her up with weight issues and ultimately self-esteem issues. Does he understand that on a theoretical level at least?
I’m all for avoiding waste at home, but eating other people’s leftovers when he isn’t hungry or doesn’t actually want them is troubling.
Anonymous
This sounds like an anxiety disorder with an OCD/hoarding component. I don’t think you’d be able to fix something like this. This is probably therapy plus medication.
If you get to that point, then you can explain it to your daughter that Dad has an anxiety disorder that causes this.
Anonymous
Should add, “probably therapy plus meds plus patience (and therapy for you)”. . . since these aren’t issues people really get over. They may learn to manage them if they’re self motivated or hit rock bottom, but the obsessions often change over time so some aspect of this would always be present to some greater or lesser degree.
AB
My grandmother was similar, having come of age during the Depression. Not eating off other people’s plates, but finishing everything at a wedding, even if she didn’t like it or it would actually make her ill. At home, she would eat the same side dishes multiple days in a row. Like, if she made zucchini, she ate zucchini every day until it was finished (along with whatever other stuff made it into the rotation). She was very frugal in many other ways, too, so I never thought of it as a food issue, just a waste issue.
Anonymous
Wow, this is me. Except for the fatty bits part.
SC
So, I agree that this sounds like something you’d need therapy to address. Even if it could be addressed without therapy, your husband has to be open to change. You know this, but you can’t fix his relationship with food for him.
That said, my father has a similar (but not quite as bad) relationship with food based on a similar perceived scarcity. My mother talked to me about it openly throughout my life–identifying the problem, explaining why he eats the way he does, etc–and set a good example for me herself. His food issues have no effect on me. I have always had a pretty normal relationship with food, as far as these things go, and any of my own issues are rooted in my own personality and life experiences. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t encourage your husband to get help, or that he shouldn’t set a good example for your daughter, but it is possible that (especially with your influence), she can learn and accept that his issues don’t have to be her issues.
Anonymous
I’m not sure your child will mimic this. My father is similar (although he’s really just an over-eater, I don’t think it comes from not wanting to waste food) and it’s made me very conscious of not over-eating. I love food and indulge in the foods I like, even if they’re not all healthy, but I listen to my body and don’t eat except when I’m not hungry and I feel no pressure to finish my meal – I almost always take home leftovers from a restaurant. So seeing him like this might actually have a positive effect on her.
Anonymous
Don’t eat except when I’m hungry, rather. Misplaced double negative there.
Med
does anyone have experience with nortriptyline (Pamelor) for depression / anxiety? I just started taking it because I had severe rare side effects with SSRIs. i dont think tricyclics are used much anymore so I was hoping someone had some insight. with the obvious caveat that of course I’ve talked to my doctor and know that everyone is different.
Anon for this
Have you done the cheek swab genetic test from Millenium? It’s a lifesaver for seeing how you may react to psychiatric medication.
Anon for this
I was on it for a while for nerve pain (it’s an alternative use for it). It didn’t help me but I also didn’t really have any side effects. I was on a very low dose though. I have been on other antidepressants in the past with wild side effects, so I would say if nortriptyline is effective to treat your depression/anxiety, then it’s a good choice as a well-tested drug that has been around a very long time.
Anonymous
I can’t remember if this is the tricyclic I took or not, sorry, but FWIW, I had a bizarre side effect from the one I tried – extreme muscle fatigue. Like, my arms would start getting sore from washing my hair. It took me a couple weeks to figure out what was going on, and my psychiatrist had never heard of it before, but it stopped when I switched medications again. I hope your trial is more fruitful!
dog
Maybe you could try Trintillex (sp?) I have the allele where SSRI’s are ineffective, and found it to be helpful.
(funnty story about our healthcare system: I had to stop taking it after the new year because it’s expensive a.f., and I couldn’t afford that, daycare, and my law school loan payment despite being in midlaw and having a dual, probably “10%-er” household in a LCOL area).
BPD
I have a sibling who can suck all of the oxygen out of a room. It is all her. And her problems. All the time. The only way to have a relationship with her is to be some sort of Courtier of Misery.
I read something on BPD and it really hit home. I know one article does not a diagnosis make. But the gist of it was to urge people run, that BPD people are not fixable (unless they choose to, and why would they, YOU are the problem or everyone else is). It made me so sad.
Is there anyway to have a relationship with someone like this without having to constantly put your foot down (like the ee cummings poem, there is some sh*t I will not eat) or the drama? If it weren’t a sibling, I’d just be backing away slowly.
BB
Captain Awkward blog has great advice on this. The article everyone recommends to start with is about a MIL named “Alice” (do a site search).
BPD
Wow. Just Wow. Thanks for the link.
Anonymouse
omg I’ve never heard of this blog but I’m dealing with a similar situation as the OP and this was super helpful. thank you!
Torin
Wow. I love this advice. I have a situation with a BPD family member (diagnosed by a professional, not me an the Internet or anything) and I love this piece of advice:
“You can do the best by your fiance and by yourself by not holding grudges and treating each new interaction like you expect it to go just fine until it doesn’t. This is a lot of effort, but works really well with the Alices of the world, because it freaks them out.”
Anony
My mother has BPD – professionally diagnosed, not armchair. (My siblings and I managed to convince her to go see a therapist, during the second or third session, he told her that he believed she had BPD – she was deeply offended, flipped out, left, and now refuses to see any therapists and likes to bring up the whole debacle as an example of why we don’t love her enough – we think she’s “crazy” and just want to “foist her off.”)
It took me a lot of therapy, but two main concepts that have helped me tremendously:
1 – I learned to redirect my anger into empathy/pity when she’s being crazy about something. I try to think things like “She is so unhappy in her own mind that this feels to her like the only way to behave,” and “As difficult as I am finding her right now, I only have to deal with her sometimes – she has to deal with herself and her emotions all the time.” I can’t always do this but to think this way has helped.
2 – I have had to accept that I will never have the relationship with her that I would like. This has led to some very real and significant grieving, and sometimes it pops up again at various times. It has been a real loss in my life, and I had to let go of the hope that I would ever have a relationship with her like I see other people having with their mothers. It will probably be a little piece of sadness that I’ll carry my whole life – but therapy has helped me to see that it’s easier to face that grief than to hope she’ll change, and to be let down over and over again.
Hopefully, this comment isn’t too much of a downer. I realize both these points are fairly bleak/depressing, but the good news is that this acceptance and reframing has allowed me to have a much less volatile relationship with my mother. I was at a point of thinking I needed to cut her out of my life totally, and now we are able to interact on a regular basis without causing major emotional fallout for me.
Anonymous
Today’s discovery: leftover caramelized onions are a pretty good addition to a salad.
I also love Eden spicy pumpkin seeds (they are seriously spicy!).
Now that it’s summer and summer is salad season, what do you put in your salads? How do you keep salads from getting boring, if you eat them frequently? And if anyone has suggestions for salads that make for great weeknight dinners, please share!
Anon
Seeds and cheese are a must for me!
AIMS
The best addition to my salad is fresh herbs. I finally figured out that this is what separates my boring homemade salads from salads I really love at certain restaurants. For dinner, I try to include a protein (chicken, poached egg, tuna…); one of my favorite dinner salads is a Nicoise. You can make much of it ahead of time.
Other things that I like in no specific order: cranberries, sun dried tomatoes, capers, baked tofu, pineapple, berries, some kind of tuna or chicken salad, chickpeas, toasted pita or bread chunks, halloumi, edamame, sunflower seeds, falafel…
Davis
What are your go-to fresh herbs?
Senior Attorney
Although I realize that this is not for everyone, I love chopped cilantro in my salad.
Other favorite additions include chopped pepperocini (I’m growing them in my garden — so fun!) and pine nutsl.
TO Lawyer
One of my favourite salad places in the city puts mint in one of their salads. It’s so good and for some reason, something I never thought of replicating at home until now.
AIMS
Sometimes it’s salad dependent, e.g., fresh tomatoes, cucumbers, feta and avocado are delicious with a bunch of dill mixed in. Mint and pineapple go really well together, or basil. But really whatever I have on hand works well. It just makes everything taste super fresh, if that makes sense. There’s a salad mix that I sometimes buy with herbs already in which is good in a pinch but it’s not nearly enough herbs imo to really make the salad sing.
Never too many shoes...
This is my *fave* – so fresh and sharp. Awesome with grilled chicken, fish or shrimp. http://www.onceuponachef.com/recipes/thai-quinoa-salad.html
Leatty
Some of my favorites: berries (typically strawberries or raspberries), nuts (walnuts, pecans, or almonds), grains (quinoa or farro), feta or goat cheese, various veggies (shredded carrots, broccoli, sauteed mushrooms, roasted beets, cucumber), and some sort of protein (often veggie burger patties because they are easy).
Anonymous
Today I made a really good Greek salad–romaine lettuce, cucumber, tomato, red onion, artichoke, Kalamata olives and feta cheese. I just use a bottled Greek dressing. I also like adding fruit to salads like strawberries, blueberries, apples or peaches or dried cranberries. I like walnuts and pecans too and I always make sure to have some kind of protein–cheese, nuts, hard-boiled egg, deli meat, or beans are usually my go-tos. I like to use different dressings too, some homemade and some store-bought. Oh and avocado always makes a salad better!
Ms B
The best salad rule I ever heard was greens + nuts + cheese + fruit = tasty salad. Add grain (quinoa, brown rice, farro) and protein (chicken, pulled pork) to make more substantial.
Last month’s Mason jar winner at my house was quinoa + spinach + blanched asparagus + halved baby tomatoes + feta + strawberries + pecans/pine nuts + Brianna’s poppyseed dressing.
an
I have been cooking tofu with Creole spices (generic mix from store) with olive oil in the oven. Keep it own to toss on salads.
Anon
I skip the lettuce pretty frequently and make a salad from leftover vegetables and meat from the night before. Like, leftover roast asparagus, a hanndful of cherry tomatoes, a couple of tiny roast potatoes (mini Yukon golds are my fave) and sliced roast chicken. Excellent salad with homemade ranch. Maybe adding sunflower seeds or pine nuts if I think of it.
Or leftover baked salmon on arugula, again with a couple of cherry tomatoes, with homemade mayo, dill and lemon.
Any leftover veggies with a not quite hard boiled egg. Yum.
I am making myself hungry. My point is, think outside the lettuce.
Senior Attorney
My current favorite is Trader Joe’s cruciferous crunch bagged mix with avocado, pine nuts, cilantro, and whatever else I have on hand, with TJ’s Tuscan vinaigrette dressing.
anon
Pieces of apple or grapes.
Pecan or walnut pieces.
Stitch Fix
There were a couple of comments on the morning thread about the downsides of Stitch Fix. A few friends have tried it and all raved about it, so I was really surprised to see so many negative comments here. Can we talk a bit more about the pros and cons? Did you feel like it was more effective at a higher or a lower price point? Has anyone tried any similar service that they liked?
Anon
I think you’ll just have to try a box and see if it’s for you. Ultimately for me, for casual clothes, I just didn’t want to spend that kind of money. I’m good at finding cute things at Old Navy/Target/J.Crew Factory. I wouldn’t mind spending more on something really remarkable, but that’s not what I received. (And my box included $70 plastic earrings. No.)
Lana
I did Stitch Fix for a long time and was never thrilled with the quality of the pieces. I raised my price ranges for all of their various item categories in hopes that I would receive nicer items. Instead, I received the same inexpensive pieces. It was frustrating because I was willing to spend more on a couple of nice pieces per box, but they don’t seem to have the stock to provide that.
Anonymous
My normal price point, especially for weekend wear, is Old Navy/Target/H&M at full price or The Limited (RIP) or Gap on sale. Even though I specified I wanted super budget finds, Stitch Fix never found anything that was really in my price range. I’m willing to spend more for well-made work clothes, but Stitch Fix was really terrible for a business-y business casual office. Even though I sent my stylists professional style inspirations (like Selina Meyer and Alicia Florrick), I kept getting cutesy “ladies who lunch” dresses that I could never have worn to the office. Some of the stuff they sent me would have been cute for weekend wear, but I’m just not willing to spend $75 on a blouse unless I can wear it to work. I could see it working better for someone with more money to spend on clothes or a more casual office.
AEK
Is it a MLM thing? I was cornered at a bar recently by a friend of a friend who raved on and on about Stitch Fix and how great it was and how I had to try it if I liked her outfit (which, …)
It was so unnatural I thought she must be selling me something.
Anonymous
No, it’s not MLM. I believe you get a discount on your next order for signing up friends though, so she was essentially trying to sell you something.
SA
I liked the styles (more colorful and stylish than what I would normally gravitate to) but the quality of the clothes was horrible for the prices they charged. Very thin material for a cardigan that was $68 comes to mind. I’m the commenter that talked about the group on FB with the SF brands it’s called “Name Brands for Less! Women’s Clothing & Accessories” Probably NOT for business dress but great cheap casual styles
anon
For me, the biggest pro is that Stitch Fix usually picks out pieces I never would’ve found on my own and gets me out of my comfort zone a bit. I’ve liked it for finding casual/dressy pieces for going out and weekend wear, which is always a wardrobe hole for me. I’m such a jeans-and-tees woman on the weekends and SF gets me out of that rut. However, I agree that the cost is a con. I can’t reuse this stuff for work wear, and I’m too cheap to build an “everyday casual” wardrobe out of $58 shirts. I do Stitch Fix quarterly and that’s about right for me.
Anon
I’ve done a few months and liked it so far. I never like everything in the box but so far have had 1-3 good pieces per box. It is more expensive than I’d like, but I have a hard time finding stuff that fits well in traditional stores (cusp sizes) and Stitch Fix seems to have a wealth of things that work in prints that I like. So I’m sticking with it for now.
Anon
Recommendations for comedy albums?
I sometimes enjoy the escapism of stand up comedy albums on long drives. I like Aziz Ansari, Tig Notaro, and especially David Cross.
However, I’ve listened to all of their albums. Any other recommendations?
Ms B
Not straight comedy, but David Sedaris always makes me laugh. Ron White kills and my in-laws also find him funny.
We also like the classics at my house — old George Carlin, Mel Brooks, Eddie Murphy (not if the child is listening), Allan Ginsburg, and Lily Tomlin.
Anon
David Sedaris! Good idea I listened to some of his stuff on a plane trip once and the guy next to me thought I was a crazy lady.
AIMS
Jim Jeffries. I like all the people you mentioned and his were the best albums I’ve listened to in a while.
Also not sure if you’ve listened to Louis CK but he always makes me laugh.
AIMS
Also – there’s a podcast called Bullseye with Jesse Thorne (sp.?) that puts out a best of x year comedy special. They are usually pretty great both for listening to and for discovering new folks with comedy albums. The first time I heard Tig Natato was on their 2012 or 13 special, I think.
Anon
Patton Oswalt is my fav. Also Louis CK, Dave Chappelle, Maria Bamford, and Jim Gaffigan.
Anon
Thanks everyone. I downloaded some Savid Sedaris, Jim Jeffries and Louis CK and will be entertained for my next few weeks’ commutes!
Sloan Sabbith
I need a skirt. Or, more accurately, the same skirt in multiple colors. Casual, can be worn to a business casual office as my summer uniform. Knee length or just above or a shorter midi (I’m very short). Machine washable is an absolute necessity.
No pencil skirts because they make me look pregnant. My unicorn skirt was the Gap foldover knee length skirt from a few summers ago that I should have bought in every color. I went to old navy and Gap yesterday and was kindly informed at old navy that skirts “aren’t in.” ? Help? Preferably no more than $30. Open to Amazon finds.
Anon
I wear all pencil skirts but I just looked up “a line skirt” on amazon and saw something called Dani’s Choice simple stretch a-line skirt. There are lots of reviews, it comes in 4 colors and is $20
FI enthusiast
Seconding the Dani’s Choice skirt, I have it in Navy and I LOVE it. It goes great with flats and wedges, and I normally pair it with a heavy-weight 3/4 sleeve t-shirt or summer weight cardigans because my office is always freezing. I also like the pleated midi skirts from NY&Co. if you can get them on sale. Definitely size down at least one size, maybe two, if you want to wear it at your natural waist. Their skirts have pockets! Again, I can dress it up with pumps, or down with wedges/ballet flats, and usually a t-shirt or cardigan.
AZCPA
Would something like this work?
https://www.costco.com/Tranquility-by-Colorado-Clothing-Ladies'-Reversible-Skirt%2c-Navy-Pattern.product.100325564.html
JuniorMinion
Any fabric? Target always has those Merona foldover cotton skirts in different colors / prints that are washable – I think they are $10 – $20 each or so.
Also if you need dressier:
https://www.macys.com/shop/product/tommy-hilfiger-pull-on-a-line-skirt-only-at-macys?ID=4418942&CategoryID=131&LinkType=&selectedSize=#fn=SKIRT_STYLE%3DA Line;;Fit & Flare%26DRESS_LENGTH%3DKnee Length%26sp%3D1%26spc%3D51%26ruleId%3D78|BS|BA%26slotId%3D11
https://www.macys.com/shop/product/maison-jules-pull-on-a-line-skirt-only-at-macys?ID=4609185&CategoryID=131&LinkType=&selectedSize=#fn=SKIRT_STYLE%3DA Line;;Fit & Flare%26DRESS_LENGTH%3DKnee Length%26sp%3D1%26spc%3D51%26ruleId%3D78|BS|BA%26slotId%3D30
https://www.macys.com/shop/product/tommy-hilfiger-marled-fit-flare-skirt-only-at-macys?ID=4417250&CategoryID=131&LinkType=&selectedSize=#fn=SKIRT_STYLE%3DPleated%26DRESS_LENGTH%3DKnee Length%26sp%3D1%26spc%3D18%26ruleId%3D78|BS|BA%26slotId%3D6
https://www.macys.com/shop/product/grace-elements-pleated-a-line-skirt?ID=4624524&CategoryID=131&LinkType=&selectedSize=#fn=SKIRT_STYLE%3DPleated%26DRESS_LENGTH%3DKnee Length%26sp%3D1%26spc%3D18%26ruleId%3D78|BS|BA%26slotId%3D5
As an aside, thanks for letting me shop vicariously for adorable things because i just had to buy shorts at lunchtime and it was traumatic.
Anon
My skirts are all from Loft. I’m not in love with their current offerings but I do consistently find something every year. Just keep checking their website.
San Francisco recs?
Visiting for a conference next week (and staying nearby). Union Square area. DH will be staying one night at a hotel with me without our daughter! I get out of the conference at 5. Where should we go to dinner? Drinks? Dessert? What would you do for a perfect evening?
Looking for wonderful food and atmosphere, but nothing too fancy/formal uptight. Would prefer to walk, and in fact would like to incorporate a pretty long walk or two into the evening (anything up to an hour one way). Also, we love food, but also I’d like to incorporate gardening later in the evening so nothing too heavy. Any type of cuisine is fine, though we do like places with small portions so we can get lots of dishes and share.
We visit the area fairly often, so we don’t need a tour of San Francisco or anything like that.
Anon
If you’re up for walking all the way to the embarcadero, try Waterbar or Epic Roasthouse. They are next door to each other. Great food and the views can’t be beat. Go on the late side as it’s just getting dark to see the Bay bridge light show. You can take Uber back to your hotel.
"Tailored" t-shirts?
Recommendations please? I have broad shoulders but small bust and waist, and have been trying for weeks to find a nice white t-shirt that’s cut or tailored for my shape. Everything I’ve tried (Ann Taylor, Boden, WHBM, Aritzia, a few others) is just way too baggy in the mid-section.
Ideally I would like a t-shirt of the “slightly fancy” variety — for example, my previous (now falling-apart) favourite was from AT and had a neckline embellished with a thin ring of mesh. And not *too* see-through!
Minnie Beebe
I’d recommend checking at J Crew– their shirts seem to be cut very slim through the bust and mid-section. I don’t see anything that I’d consider “slightly fancy” but I also think that’s out of fashion.
Also check Boden– their stuff is generally slim cut as well.