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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Knot-Front Top

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This top is really lovely — it looks classic but interesting, and I like that the zipper in the back isn't too exposed. It seems like it'll be easy to wear and flattering, and definitely appropriate for most conservative offices. It's available in off white and in a lovely navy for $180 at Reiss in sizes 0-10. Knot-Front Top Here's a lower-priced option and an option for plus sizes. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 3/10/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
  • Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + 20% off
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off all sale and select styles with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off everything + extra 20% off when you buy 3+ styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off all pants & sweaters; extra 50% off clearance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Flash sale until midday 3/14: $50 off every $200 – combineable with other offers, including 40% off one item and 30% off everything else

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

380 Comments

  1. I just took two blazers to the dry cleaner because the armpits were starting to get fragrant. One is 100% wool, the other is a poly blend. I bought each one new about 6 months ago, and I had been cleaning with dryel as needed.

    I sniffed the pits after I got them back from the dry cleaner and they’re still not totally fresh. I think after one wear they’ll need to be cleaned again. Any suggestions as to how to remove the odor? Febreze seems like a temporary fix, and vodka hasn’t worked for me in the past.

    1. Alcohol. Soak the armpits of the lining with clear alcohol (isopropyl from the medicine cabinet or vodka from the liquor cabinet). and let it dry.

      Test on an inconspicuous part of the jacket/lining first, to make sure it doesn’t do something wonky to the fabric.

      1. Ah…missed that part about alcohol not working in the past. If you were just spritzing, instead of soaking, i’d suggest trying the soaking. And maybe a couple rounds to kill all the bacteria.

        Sunshine (UV rays) may also help – turning the jacket inside out and hanging up outside.

      2. This is such a good idea! I wish I knew this when I was dateing Sheketovits. He always had a strange smell about him which I was convinced was Body Odor, b/c his clotheing smelled funkie, even after my cleaning lady washed his shirts with bleache! When I asked my cleaneing lady what the probelem was, she said she had a relative with strong body odor, and she tried using Ammonia to de-stink his shirts, but all that did was make them smell alot like cat urine. FOOEY! I told her to stop b/c my ex smelled bad enough with DIRTY shirts, so the last thing I needed was for my cleaning lady to hang his shirts in the closet and make the whole closet smell like Cat Urine. DOUBEL FOOEY.

        If I had known alcohol would work like this, Sheketovits could have fixed his OWN probelem by spilling some on his shirts (in the armpits), instead of just all over himself. But now that I know the secret, I’ve already dumped the boyfreind, so it’s a mute point. Live and Learn I say, but I will NOT date another drunk, even if I now know how to get the stink out of his shirt’s. TRIPEL FOOEY!

    2. Since you’ve said alcohol hasn’t helped — I haven’t tried it myself, but freezing?

    3. I’ve had good luck leaving things in a hot car on a sunny day. It’s like an autoclave.

      Fewer wrinkles than freezing.

    5. Tagging on to this thread….

      I just purchased the MM Lafleur jardigans and would love to wear them with sleaveless tops, but am worried I will need to dry clean them all the time.

      Does anyone use any ?reusable or disposable stick on pads to try to prevent this smelling/staining issue and allow less frequent laundering?

      I found one type on amazon, but reviews weren’t great and some people had difficulty removing them from the clothing without damaging the clothing or even leaving adhesive behind.

      1. I must be a cusp size b/c the S jardigan is awfully snug on me such that I only wear with sleeveless dresses and I have skinny arms, so the sleeve material would otherwise bunch up.

        It’s not been a problem. I am a big alcohol spritzer (any alcohol-based bath & body works spritz after a wear and then hanging to air out or a damp washcloth to deal with any white marks left over).

        It’s been a year (eek) and I maybe wear mine weekly in the warmer months and it hasn’t been an issue.

        1. Thanks for this. I have never used the alcohol spritzer method.

          I am ultra-petite on top, but also found the XS to be quite form fitting on the sleeves, although clearly this is my size.

      2. I’ve had terrible expereinces with them – one almost fell out of a short sleeve sheath dress while I was talkingin a meeting. luckily I had a cardigan to throw on over, but by the end of the meeting, the sticky pad was in the sleeve. I’ve tried a bunch of diff kinds…no luck.

          1. I have also tried the stick on liners and didn’t have great results with them either–they bunch up and then start migrating down the sleeve or dress, and I didn’t think they did much to protect the armpits of my clothing from sweat anyway!

      3. They make reusable, washable dress shields. I think they attach to your bra somehow. I’ve seen them at Joanne’s Fabrics, and on Amazon. Never tried any, so I can’t give a recommendation.

      4. I have 2 jardigans, wear regularly with sleeveless sheath dresses, don’t find odor to be a problem. I don’t have to dryclean all that frequently.

    1. Jeopardy game; linking your Pandora account so you can tell Alexa to “play X from Cat’s Pandora account”

    2. Shopping lists. Timers for cooking when my hands are dirty. playing my podcasts and audiobooks while I clean. Weather and news while I’m getting my coffee ready in the morning.

        1. I Use the standard (built in) list app. I’m really just keeping a running shopping list. If I expand I’ll look into others.

          My news briefing in order: NPR, BBC… and maybe CNN?

    3. Jeopardy, alarm, timers and reminders, linking it to my Wemo plugs so my lights turn on when my alarm goes off and to my Hue lamps so I can turn them on and off at night. Linking it to Spotify. Linking it to Fitbit although it doesn’t work awesome. NPR! I don’t have a radio so I love it.

    4. In addition to what’s already been mentioned (Jeopardy! 4evah), hands-free alarm clock in the bedroom. So great.

      And I just found out you can name the different timers: “Alexa, set pasta timer for 10 minutes.” “Alexa, set meat timer for 5 minutes.”

    5. Asking the weather, and what my morning commute is like.
      Listening to NPR…. from whatever my favorite city is that week.
      Listening to the 24hrs “station” of This American Life.
      Asking it to “Play music by Miles Davis” or whatever…
      My morning alarm clock that I can turn off with my voice.
      Setting timers.

      Asking it to “Call my Dad”, and then talking to him while I clean the room.

    6. “Alexa, remind me to send Dad’s card tomorrow at 1 pm.” Her reminders are more annoying than Siri’s and thus more likely to get me to do the thing.

  3. Is the Halogen seamed pencil skirt (aka The Skirt) gone? If so, has anyone found a similar option – around $100, very basic pencil, lots of color options?

    1. I’ve got the same question. What happened to The Skirt? I’ve seen them bring it back occasionally, but only in black and sometimes camel – looks like this is what they have now. But I really miss all the color options. Between this and The Limited closing, my pencil skirt wardrobe is suffering.

    2. I have one in a black with black texture that I’ve never worn (my shape just isn’t right for that skirt), if anyone wants it. I don’t remember what size. Maybe 12 or 14? Will have to look when I get home.

    3. I just looked on eBay. There lots of The Skirts on there in various colors and sizes. Make sure you get a length measurement. Some people have had them hemmed.

    4. I got a pencil skirt from Loft a year ago – while their tops are pretty flimsy, their bottoms have held up well for me. It doesn’t look like there’s any currently available, but they add new stuff all the time.

  4. Has anyone tried Le Tote, specifically for workwear supplementing? Thoughts/experiences? I’m getting bored with my current work wardrobe but can’t find much good to buy this season for a refresh, it seems like an interesting idea.

    1. I’ve tried it. It worked well for maternity, but mostly because my office’s formal-leaning business casual dress code is relaxed for pregnant women. I find most of the stuff too cheaply made/informal for my job.

      That reminds me I need to cancel it..

      Great for weekend wear, etc. They found me a perfect pair of jeans that I bought off them for 50 bucks. But I wouldn’t use for work wardrobe refresh.

    2. I tried it, though to be fair I was so unhappy that I cancelled after I returned the second tote. I thought the quality was not sufficient for workwear (and I am typically a Ann Taylor/Banana/JCrewFactory/NordstromRack/Jones NY shopper, so my standards are not super high). I also had to totally replace everything in my Tote both times because they ignored the specific items I had picked and also my profile and gave me trendy going out clothing like crop tops and skin tight leggings.

    3. I had an overall good experience with them. I did find that the quality was very mixed. Usually, out of 3 pieces of clothing that I would get, 1-2 would work.

      The pieces do tend to skew a little casual, but if you pick carefully, you could definitely mix them into a more formal wardrobe.

      The thing I liked best about Le Tote was the accessories. I would up purchasing a lot of the jewelry they sent.

    4. Works to supplement with my own more formal/conservative pieces (business-y side of business casual law firm). Good for shirts/shells. Skirts & dresses were a little casual for me, so more for weekend or casual friday. Jewelry/accessories were fun to spice up wardrobe. I liked it to add a few pieces without having to buy more items and add to my overstuffed wardrobe. I am currently on hiatus but could see going back in the future.

    5. I would do Trunk Club for workwear. It’s a bit expensive but the stylist was extremely responsive to my very specific feedback on my first trunk and then I literally bought everything from my second trunk. This was two years ago and I still wear all of those pieces. It wasn’t cheap, but it turned out to be a huge win for me.

        1. They are part of Nordstrom but they were stand-alone before Nordy’s bought them. Used to be my client :)

      2. Another happy trunk club customer. I’m very pleased with the workwear I got from them.

      3. I just tried Trunk Club with no luck– I mistakenly thought you could get anything from Nordstrom through it and told them I needed a couple skirts at around $150 each, which is way more than I usually spend but I’m desperate. They said their clothes start at $245 which…no.

    6. Tried it. I thought it was gross. The clothes smelled strongly of detergent and had the feeling of clothes that had been washed intensely many times. No thanks.

    7. I use it. There are more casual clothes and they are sometimes cheap but it’s fun and you get new trendy things in your wardrobe each month without guilt of how many wears you’ll get out of it. I’ve kept a good number of pieces too.

  5. This top …. looks like a scrub top to me. Can’t love all the choices here, I guess.

    1. I actually thought this top was really lovely. I have a couple Reiss blouses and they drape beautifully – I find myself reaching for them more often than I should.

      1. I like it, too – but a $180 top in that pretty, crisp white would end in a coffee spill and tears.

        1. I think I like the other color better, actually. “Night navy” that looks completely black on my monitor.

    3. Eh – I didn’t care for it in the picture either. The high neck + the sleeves made it a weird silhouette.

    4. I love the neckline, the sleeves …. eh?…..

      But for flat chested me, this is exactly the type of style I want to wear under jackets/sweaters for professional work wear. Simple, but unique, great quality.

      But a bit pricey for me….

    5. I really like it. Modest, interesting, feminine, and the sleeves keep the pit perfume out of the jackets PLUS still looks professional without jacket.

  6. Any recommendations for an online flower delivery service? I was looking at Bouqs and Proflowers, but both get terrible reviews online. My mom’s birthday is on Friday and she lives in a rural area, so I wanted to send her something nicer than what her local florist carries. Any go-tos?

    1. I’ve had a good Bouqs experience. But if you need to send for Friday you should order ASAP. FWIW, I find ordering single flowers from them works best. I sent my aunt a big bouquet of lilies and they were great.

    3. I have had good luck with 1-800-Flowers but have never used them in a rural area. I like that they have a year membership that waives shipping for the related group of companies (but I am upset that Fannie Mae is no longer included). I send my mother flowers/a plant for birthday, mother’s day and other occasions (e.g., surgery, etc.) and we sometimes use them to send flowers to my MIL as well even though she lives in town.

      I have heard good things about Costco’s flower delivery service as well, but have never used them personally.

    4. I would call the local florist and ask them to put together a custom bouquet for you. If you try to order online, you’ll get the same FTD stuff everyone has, but they presumably should be able to do a custom order.

      1. That’s what I’ve always done. For a funeral in rural upstate NY, I called and they were even able to tell me if someone else had ordered something similar.

        1. +1. My grandmother HATES carnations (funeral flowers) and calling local was the only way I felt safe.

      2. +1. 1800 sucks. Call a local florist, give them a budget with tax and delivery, tell them who it’s for (mom’s birthday, here), tell them any rules (no carnations, no orange, high fragrance, whatever), and tell them to use what flowers look best that day. You’ll get a much better result.

    6. I send my grandmother ProFlowers every year for her birthday and Mother’s Day and she always raves about the flowers. Gosh, I guess I’ve been using them for 10 years now and they’ve been great every time. (How much of this has to do with the local florist they contract with, idk.)

      1. I’ve also always had good luck with ProFlowers, both sending and receiving them. Maybe only the dissatisfied customers comment online? They DO send flowers still in bud, so if you want something that looks great upon arrival, that’s something to consider. I like watching them fully open, though.

    7. My best luck with ordering flowers is to look for the ones that are highly rated on the knot or other wedding websites and just call them up for a custom, one off order with a specific price point in mind (e.g., $90 all in). Hasn’t failed me yet when trying to find a good florist in small random towns or trying to get something different than the standard FTD bouquet.

    8. I use Bouqs all the time and have had nothing but postive receptions from my mom, good friends, people I buy flowers for who work for me, etc. Yes, the flowers have to be put in a vase, but they are so fresh, people love them. I personally always get single-flower arrangements, and especially their roses and sunflowers and tulips have gone over very well. Highly recommend. I’ve used them for at least two Mother’s Days now, so it’s been a while!

    9. Do those places not just use the local florist to fulfill? That’s what 1-800-Flowers and Teleflora do.

    10. I have been so upset with 800-flowers any time I receive them that I would never order them for anyone else. I call a local florist and get really specific about what I want. We need to support these Main Street businesses or they won’t be around any more!

        1. So why not call the local florist directly and give all the money to them instead of making them work through 1800 whatever?

          1. Right, the Main Street florists take a huge haircut in compensation when contracting for teleflora or whatever. I’d rather call them and get exactly what I want.

            one of my favorite questions is, what tropical flowers do you have today that are really fresh? What do you think looks good with them? Then they ask me how much I’m looking to spend and they put together something nice for that. It’s so much better in outcome than them trying to match an online photo of a bouquet where they may not have those exactl flowers or colors in stock.

    11. I’ve used bouqs twice and don’t think I will again – both times the flowers weren’t packed well so when the driver left them at the front door while the person was at work (both times late in the afternoon, so they were only out a couple of hours) the flowers were totally wilted and destroyed by the time they got home. And I found the arrangements a little skimpy for the cost.

  7. Where can I get flowy silk shirts like the Elizabeth Jennings wears on The Americans?

    I loathe button-ups, but I think it’s b/c they are so stiff. I’d try some in another material. As long as the silk (or “silk”) isn’t sheer or too shiny/evening-looking.

    Silk blouses might be even better.

    I’ve clicked through Equipment, but the website styles things to be very austere looking and yet some of the prints are things that my elementary school girls would love, so for the price it needs to be something I could 100% wear to work.

    Any thoughts?

    1. I think silk is off season, so you may have better luck at off sixth/nordstrom rack/etc right now. I’ve gotten some pieces from nordstrom sales, but I think June is too late

      1. Has it ever been summer on The Americans? They are always wearing the most delicious coats, boots, and fall colors. Is it never summer in Northern Virginia? Are all of the Russians somehow making the climate a little chillier?

        I lived in Northern Virginia and half the time the hair on the back of the neck never dried b/c it was too hot and humid. And their cars might not have had A/C and they never look icky and sticky.

        1. Her normal wardrobe is so great on the show. I feel like her costumes are so retro/80’s but she is so modern normally. Is it just me?

        2. I think they film in NYC in the fall and winter, so it is indeed never summer. I think it fits the atmosphere of the show well! It definitely allows for better clothes.

          1. Yeah I read somewhere that they film in the fall/winter on purpose, sort of like how SATC always filmed in spring/summer to fit the show (not that the shows are in the same universe of quality). I really love how brown and ugly the show is, even though the leads are such beautiful humans.

          1. Or… anywhere in the Northern US in Jan/Feb? No need to go all the way to Siberia.

    2. I set out onthe same shopping mission, but after re-binging West Wing and appreciating CJ’s blouse game. My budget and sizing led me to Ann Taylor and Loft for their utility blouse/tunics in silky–not silk–blouses. I prefer the half-button popovers because of my size/shape, but I had a fantastic few full-button blouses too.

      1. I second Everlane! I buy them secondhand on eBay, but I’m sure they’re even better new. :)

    4. No suggestions, but I wanted to add that before watching this show, I’d always thought of 80’s style as horribly mannish and frumpy (and I say this as someone who grew up in the 80’s…) But Elizabeth Jennings is killing it on the fashion front! Her clothes are AMAZING. I don’t know if they’re truly vintage, or a modern take on vintage, but it’s all so beautiful.

      1. I think it’s just keri russell’s general gorgeousness. She could make anything look good. It’s a trick. Do not try at home!

        1. I frequently fall into this trap with Robin Wright’s clothes on House of Cards. Love the clothes. Do not have Robin Wright’s body. So her clothes probably not going to work for me.

          2. Depends on what your body type is. I also do not have Robin Wright’s body (I am tall, athletic, curvy, and generally gain/lose weight all over rather than in one specific place) and sleeved sheath dresses (in dark colors) look fabulous on me. I would love to be able to wear the colors she wears, but they just wash me out so badly.

    7. Eileen Fisher silk blouses are thick, matte silk and cut large to be that kind of flowy. I like to wear mine tucked in with long strands of pearls.

      I personally haunt clearance racks for them but am not above buying them used on eBay. I just make sure it’s a seller who posts measurements and good pictures and has a return policy if I’m not satisfied (most of the big sellers will bend over backward to keep buyers happy.)

      1. Ps I was everything EF, including silk, in the washer on the hand wash cycle. Hang to dry. Maybe steam, maybe not, never iron

  8. Has anyone had any luck getting acne scars removed by a dermotologist? I have indentations from where I picked at them as a teen – ugh. There’s no discoloration, just the dents. If so, what process did you use and how much did it cost and what were the results?

    2. I’ll have to watch this thread, been thinking about getting mine addressed as well, possibly with laser therapy – it’s wicked expensive though, and I’m hesitant to try “deals” for services like that.

      I had horrendous acne as a teen and now I have some scarring on my cheeks I feel self-conscious about sometimes. Especially one that’s, like, 4 acne scars that connected and now it looks like a canyon formed on the side of my face. Lovely.

    3. I just had a consult for this. I went in asking about fraxel and ended up getting microneedling with prp. It’s like $700 per treatment for full face, and the dermatologist recommended 3 treatments for me. I have my first appointment this week, so I don’t know yet how it’ll work, but she said that a 50% improvement in the dents would be a conservative estimate. I’ve been feeling bad about the acne scars for so long I decided it was worth a try, and based on the resources I’ve marshalled so far, I’m hopeful.

        1. Thank you, I will report back! The doctor steered me toward this option because she said that it’s been getting considerably better results than fraxel, is less invasive and therefore requires less down time, and is safe for skin of color (which I have). On the last point, she said that fraxel can cause hyperpigmentation especially in people of color, and while it is temporary, no one really wants to have to invest more time in money getting the dark spots to go away too. It’s also less expensive than Fraxel, which I appreciate.

    4. I’ve heard great things about fraxel as first year anon suggested. I’d make a consultation appointment with a well respected dermatologist in your area and get the details.

    5. I did microderm abrasion in college to get rid of acne scarring on my back and it worked out very well after 3-5 sessions (can’t remember it was so long ago)

  9. I’m going to Denver in November for work and have the option to go a couple of days early to sightsee. What side trips would you recommend at that time of year for someone who enjoys hiking and natural scenery but doesn’t ski?

    1. Would the Red Rocks venue be open? It was really lovely. They do sunrise services there which I bet are unbelievable.

    2. Red Rocks Park/Amphitheatre! There’s a couple of beautiful trails in the park, and if I remember correctly, the park is a pretty short drive from Denver (less than an hour).

    3. Yes to Red Rocks, and also Chautauqua park in South Boulder, or Roxborough Park SW of Denver.

    4. Garden of the Gods/Manitou Springs. Boulder Chautauqua Park. Rocky Mountain National Park if it’s not too snowy yet. You might be in time to hear the elk bugling.

  10. I take Synthroid for hypothyroid every day, and I’ve just moved away from the primary care doc who was managing that prescription. Better to address it with my GP or at my annual GYN exam? I have appointments with both this summer, but no relationship with either yet. For what it’s worth, I’m in DC — the primary care physician will be from One Medical and the GYN is from Reiter Hill (both on recommendation of this board, so thank you!)?

    1. Seems more like a GP/internal medicine matter than something for a GYN. If you need a specialist, it would be an endocrinologist.

    3. GP for sure. My OB-GYN screened me but then referred me to an endo or GP when my labs were abnormal. If you are TTC at any point, your OB will likely want to know if you are well-controlled (and it may be worth consulting an endo because pregnancy can mess with your levels).

    4. I’d say GP unless you are planning to try to get pregnant in the next few years. The only reason I say that is because my TSH had to be regularly monitored during pregnancy and my synthroid dosage changed several times. It was a pain to see my GP so frequently during pregnancy on top of all the OB visits.

    5. Usually monitored by GP, but in a pinch I’ve had a gyn write me a ‘script.

  11. My workplace doesn’t allow streaming music through the server. Any ideas for the best way to play classical music? I don’t have a CD drive, so no discs. Is a radio my best bet?

    2. My old workplace was the same. I solved it with a subscription to Spotify ($10/month) on my phone – the subscription (vs free) lets you download the music (inside the app, it’s not like you own the music) so you can play music without using your data.

    3. If you have Amazon Prime, the Amazon music app will also let you download certain albums for free. The selection is limited, but not bad for classical in my experience if you aren’t too picky about the orchestra.

    4. Second for Amazon Prime. I also find nicely curated playlists on YouTube if your servers allow that.

    5. I have a wireless Bose speaker and just play direct from my Ipod using Bluetooth.

    6. I have an iHome radio speaker that syncs to my phone. I get pretty good reception on the radio and can stream from my phone too. The problem I had with using my phone solely was that I either burned a lot of data or had to use a lot of space for music files.

  12. I’m a new fan of Reiss clothing. I love the solid colors and the draping details that make everything seem so polished. Are there any other brands that are similar? I used to group Reiss and Theory but I am not loving Theory as much lately.

    1. I like Boss and Lafayette 148 for this, although they often need to be tailored in the midsection. I love Reiss but the dresses are too short-waisted for me. I’d also recommend MM LaFleur, Classiques Entier, and certain St. John dresses on sale.

    2. I love Reiss too. You should check out other British brands. I really like The Fold London for professional options. Whistles and Ted Baker have cute things if you work in a more casual office.

      One caveat is that they use European sizing, so I found it helpful to email The Fold with my measurements and they made recommendations for me based on the styles I was reviewing.

  13. Does anyone know of a place in the DC area where I can resell suits and other conservative work clothes? They are in good condition; I’m only trying to resell because they are too big for me. Brands are Banana, Loft and J. Crew. Thanks!

    1. Try Secondi in Dupont. They probably won’t take Loft, but I’ve seen (and purchased!) Banana and J.Crew from there.

        1. Great suggestion. If Virginia is not convenient for you I know that there are locations in the district (14th?) and I think in Bethesda.

    2. I used to shop for second hand clothes at Mustard Seed in Bethesda. I know I bought work clothes there circa 2010, so it may be worth a shot. You need an appointment to sell there.

  14. Weird question: has your healthcare provider ever double-billed you? This has been happening to me on and off for two solid years now, with two different providers in unrelated groups. Today I called both of them and said I would be leaving their care because of this. It’s never a large charge: they simply mail me a bill for a copay that I’ve paid in the office. Each time, I call them, they remove the charge, and everything is fine until the next appointment – where I pay my copay and am billed for it again 60 days later. Is there something more I should do? This seems super shady.

    1. You’re overreacting, this is a simple mistake. They handle numerous bills and claims all the time, it’s not a big deal. Just call and fix it, and maybe see if you can escalate it to management next time if it’s really bothering you that much.

      1. I’ve not had this problem, but I don’t think your overreacting. It’s their job (of the billing analysis, not the doctor) to correctly bill patients and insurance companies. And they are not doing it. Would you accept this type of double-billing from your gym or other business? I wouldn’t.

        If you decided to stay with the practice (and I don’t think you need to, but I know how hard it is to find a doctor you like), I would stop paying at the appointment. That way, you don’t have to worry about being double-billed or deal with calling to get it figured out

        1. +1. I’ve left a practice over two consecutive billing errors (and they gave me a really hard time resolving the second one). I wasn’t in love with them before, but this was the main reason. There are enough doctors in my area, and I expect good treatment and an organized billing department.

        2. I understand that people make mistakes, but I would also be cautious if the people who handle billing also handle patient records (as is sometimes the case at small practices). I’ve left doctors whose staff just did not have it together.

    2. If you otherwise like the practice, what about just waiting until you get the bill to pay? I assume their system is set up that way and it’s not an actual double charge/billing, just a paperwork error.

    3. Do you pay your copay in cash? When I worked in a medical practice, getting a patient call about being double-billed for a copay was a red flag that someone at the front desk was stealing. Make sure you always get a receipt, and if possible, note the name of the person who took your payment.

      The other potential issue which can cause this problem is not shady at all: When you pay a copay, the charge for your visit has likely not yet been created. The provider must document the services, and then the provider or a staff member must code the services to create a charge. There are usually systems in place to apply your copay to those charges after the fact, but they aren’t foolproof.

      I wouldn’t leave a practice for this if I was happy with the provider and how quickly I can get an appointment.

    4. Happens all the time and isn’t something to leave a practice over – unless you were wanting to leave anyway. I never see the double billing of a copay as shady — I see it as mismanagement; if it bothers you you can always decline to pay your copay at the office and say bill me and then you only get 1 bill for it – via mail. Doctors offices do shady things — over billing using higher level insurance codes than the service rendered; or having you show up and suddenly the person you had the appt with can’t see you but someone else in your office can – and only after the bill shows up, you realize that person isn’t a preferred provider and now you’re stuck with a $100 bill etc. Those things I consider shady. Copays – to make an extra $25, not so much.

    5. I expect billing errors because of the ridiculous system the providers have to follow with coding and insurance paperwork. As long as it’s resolved with a quick call, I consider it a cost of doing business with a provider I otherwise like and can get appointments with quickly.

      Everyone’s threshold varies, but to me this would be NBD since it’s easily resolved and they aren’t arguing about it to get you to pay twice.

    6. That’s good advice to decline to pay the copay at the time of service: they probably wouldn’t make a stink about it but their policy does state payment is due at time of service. And you all are correct: I’m mostly frustrated with the level of care, but having to take time out of my workday to address their error every. single. time. I get a bill from them is just the straw that broke the camel’s back. Full disclosure: it’s for fertility treatment so there’s some emotional stuff there and also I go to the provider all the damn time so I have to deal with this frequently. Thanks for letting me rant! I mostly wanted to know if it was normal and that seems to be the case.

      1. declining to pay a copay at the time of service is in violation of your contract with the insurance company and the physicians contract with your insurance company. In my office, if you decline, you will not be seen.

    7. My (ex) provider similarly billed me incorrectly by “accidentally” coding me as no longer insured in the middle of a long series of medical visits. This happened three times during over a five year period, with different family members and different insurance companies. This resulted in a substantial amount of my time dealing with bills for thousands of dollars higher than expected. After the third time the “accident” happened, I am convinced they do it on purpose to scam elderly and less educated people. The government has sued them (and won) for shady billing, multiple times.

      I have not had the same experience with any other medical provider. Unfortunately, they are the major provider of emergency services in my area and I still go into a panic every time my family uses the emergency room.

    8. Okay, are you sure it’s actually a bill you’re receiving and not just an invoice that shows you’ve paid it? If they are accidentally sending you an extra bill, what do they say when you tell them you’ve already paid? You do you, but this doesn’t seem like a big deal to me unless they’re being insistent that you haven’t actually paid. People make mistakes. If you don’t like it you are free to find an error-free doctor’s office.

    9. This actually happens to me a lot… I go to providers who are within a large county network and they have a complicated system where they have a third-party company do the billing for them. So sometimes the hospital’s records show one thing but the billing company would show another and they are super aggressive about it. I’ve gotten letters saying they’ll sell my debt to the collectors if I don’t pay (what I already did). I’ve also been a part of this network since I was a child and under my father’s insurance policy so they sometimes billed him for my visits… it took a few times but things eventually got straightened out.

      I’ve had an incident with a periodontist that was definitely fishy and not “human error/incompetence” though. That one I dropped like a dead fish. They wanted to charge me a consultation fee for my implant 1 full year after I had had the implant done and paid everything in full. They said they had put a claim to my insurance but insurance did not pay so it then became my responsibility. That consultation fee was never discussed, and they lied about putting the insurance claim in because I never got the explanation of benefits from my old insurance at the time. A few weeks after they billed me, I received the explanation of benefits from my new insurance that then of course refused to pay because the service was done before I enrolled. I can muster patience for incompetence but I have no patience for liars.

    10. This happens all the time, unfortunately.

      I spend most of my free time making phone calls re: billing errors for a disabled family member. I’m not kidding. Most of the time they are on the side of the insurance company, but doctor’s offices/hospitals also make errors all the time. And it can take many minutes on hold and multiple calls to just figure out where the error originated. I easily spend over 100 hours a year dealing with my father’s medical billing/claim errors, and it was worse in the past when he had more medical issues.

      I once did leave a dental practice where the dentists insisted on doing the billing themselves (the dentist himself submitted the claims!). They were clearly trying to make as much money as possibly by not hiring out their billing (which honestly, is not always better…). Anyway, the bills were riddled with errors and double billing and even worse…. were so opaque that you didn’t even understand what you were being billed for so couldn’t figure out how to dispute them. I’m sure most people paid them blindly, which is honestly what I think some practices hope. THAT is unacceptable, and I told them so, as it approaches fraud in my mind. After getting reimbursed a couple hundred dollars, I left their practice and told them why.

      On the medical side, I have only seen the doctor once all year for my yearly physical and my well person lab tests. And both the doctor’s office and the insurance company made errors on that ONE claim and it is almost a year later and I finally realized…. I will probably never get my $$ back.

  15. I’ve been doing a lot of early morning flying for same day business. How do you all keep your Hair from drying out and being a frizzy mess by the time you land? There’s only so much I can do in an airport bathroom. I have long straight hair for what it’s worth that is to heavy for a bun.

    2. Not sure if it would work for you but I leave it damp* and put it in a braid for the flight – once at the destination airport, I’d nip into the bathroom to put it into a low ponytail. I found that keeping it damp on the plane meant it didn’t dry out and frizz as much and having it in a braid meant it was contained and not getting mussed by jackets/resting my head on the pack of the seat, etc.

      *By damp, I don’t mean right out of the shower wet, but rather just not using the hair dryer.

    3. I have an incredible hairbrush. I don’t quite understand how it works, but it solves my frizz problems amazingly. Link to follow.

    4. I use argon oil liberally on my hair when it’s drying (I air dry) and then smooth down the frizzies with ~1 tsp gel.

    5. Keep hand lotion in your bag. If you land and find things are a bit frizzy, apply it to your hands like usual and then smooth your hands over your hair. The excess lotion on your hands will do a decent job calming frizz in a pinch.

  16. How do you all stay positive in the face of unhappy or stressed coworkers? I work on a very small team and generally enjoy my job. However, I have one coworker who is always overwhelmed by her work (we have similar roles and are colleagues) and one who refers to our workplace every morning with “welcome to h3ll.” They seem to assume that I have a similar view, but I don’t. I’ve worked for truly heinous bosses with unpredictable schedules and who had no respect for others. This is not that place. We are busy, but it’s manageable. We aren’t handling TROs and there are no real emergencies. There are annoyances, but that is true with any job. No grown adult is throwing a tantrum over the orientation of a staple on a page or the color of the binder. I find that the comments from these folks tend to sour my own viewpoint, so I try to minimize my interactions, but it’s a small team. Any practical advice?

    1. Honestly, I just roll my eyes and walk away. I also work in a small organization (<5 people) and our top person (who inherited the role and wasn't specifically hired for it) is like this. I'm able to roll my eyes and walk away, but it did cause one of my co-workers who was more empathetic to leave. It's also helpful that the other person who's higher than me but not top recognizes the behavior and is encouraging in other ways and tries to deflect it as much as possible.

    2. Can you look for other colleagues who are more positive and spend your down time at work with them? I’m in this same boat so you have my sympathy. Sometimes I text a friend who is a positive influence and invite her to lunch because I need a break from all the negativity! Good luck!

    3. Be direct. “Well, that wasn’t helpful. Even when I’ve worked at horrible places that x, y, and z, I really enjoyed having a positive attitude and the positive attitude of others.”
      Put up those motivational attitude-is-a-choice pictures.
      “Oh, man, I’m really excited about doing x today, I wish you hadn’t have said that because it really affects me. Let’s try to stay positive!”
      Seriously, if they’re going to act like surly teenagers, treat them like children.
      Good luck.

    4. “They seem to assume that I have a similar view, but I don’t.” I would speak up then. If you don’t agree, say that you don’t agree.

      Ex:
      NegativeNelly: “Welcome to h3ll”
      You: “Actually I like working here.”

      I suspect that if you just gently disagree with all the negativity, they might naturally stop sharing their negativity.

    1. I’m of the opinion that if you have to ask, you probably shouldn’t be wearing it in the first place. That being said, this dress is floral and super colorful, and there’s no way anyone would mistake you for the bride. Go for it.

    2. I think it is fine. IMHO White base dresses tend to be problematic when the contrast is low. Here, the flowers are high enough contrast to be the center of attention.

      Now, this can all change when you actually hve the dress in hand. I’ve ordered patterned dresses and had them show up so that pattern placement looked ridic. Here, if the pattern is placed differently than the photo, and you present with a ton of white showing instead of flowers, problematic. So, buy in person or with plenty of time!

      1. +1. Wouldn’t think twice about wearing a dress like this with brightly colored flowers all over.

    4. Honestly, I wouldnt. I think the perception would be that you’re wearing white, and getting away with it on a technicality (the flowers). It’s a beautiful dress- wear it to something else.

    5. I would not wear that. Pick another one of a million non-white dresses there are in the world

      1. Omg it’s not white. The whole don’t-wear-white thing is to avoid looking like you’re trying to one up the bride. This is not even in the same ballpark as a wedding dress. It would not occur to me to even hesitate about wearing this dress to a wedding.

          1. There are also a million other brides who aren’t such precious snowflakes that they would be offended by this dress. Seriously, OP, if your friend is offended by this dress then she is a ridiculous prima donna and you should ditch the friendship.

          2. “there are a million other non-white dresses in the world”

            Like this dress. Which is not white.

        2. Agreed. This isn’t remotely bridal and is fine to wear in my (southern) opinion.

      2. That dress is a bright floral. Not white. Just curious, did you even click the link and look at the dress before you posted?

    7. I think it’s fine, but I also think that there would probably be somebody at a Southern wedding who would give you some side-eye. (See “if you have to ask you probably shouldn’t be wearing it,” above.)

      Super cute dress, though.

      1. I guess this is a “know your culture” thing. I’m firmly in the “no white dress to weddings’ camp, and yet it would never even occur to me that this was a “white” dress. It’s not at all like a wedding dress.

      2. I’m in the south, 30 and would not consider this a white dress. But consider the age of your audience – older generations are much stricter. After many years in the south, if there were people I was worried about offending, I would probably pick something else.

    9. I was pre-cringing when I copied and pasted your link, expecting a white lace dress, but this is really fine. This is not a white dress. This is a floral dress. I can’t think of a better place to wear it than to a wedding. Go for it.

      1. And ps thank you for being such a thoughtful friend of the bride that you would even think about this. The women who wear white lace dresses to a wedding (and aren’t the bride) aren’t clueless. It’s intentional. No one is going to mistake you for that kind of a “friend.”

        1. Two people showed up to my wedding in fully white dresses. I was just like, WHY?! It wouldn’t have bothered me if I didn’t know they deliberately chose to disregard the etiquette.

    10. Thanks all! I’m going to wait and see how it looks when it comes in to make sure it is just as bright and floral as in the picture. I just wanted a quick gut-check before ordering and it seems like this might be a possibility.

      I’m not worried about the bride caring because it’s definitely not a spotlight stealing white dress. I would be more worried about grandmothers and great-aunts passing judgment and wasn’t sure if all dresses with a white base are off-limits.

      1. That dress is super-cute and not even remotely bridal. And at least in my Southern family, I’m confident that every single grandmother and great-aunt is judging every single guest for something, anyway…

  18. Student loans never bothered me much – in large part bc I have a sub 3% rate and did the first 9 yrs of my career in biglaw so it just wasn’t a huge deal – yet now all of a sudden I want them GONE. I was one of those rare biglaw people that didn’t pay off my loan using bonuses asap — in part bc I knew biglaw wouldn’t last and I wanted to hold onto/grow that cash — so my focus was investing bonuses esp since the market was returning > 3% for my entire career except 2008-2009. I still paid in a lot extra, so currently the loan balance 12 yrs out of law school is what it would be around yr 23 of a 30 yr loan if I was paying according to the amortization schedule. I don’t know why I’m suddenly so impatient, but I just want the loans gone asap. Salary is still fine even post law firm. And yet I still have that part of me that doesn’t want to part with thousands in cash in one shot when I can just pay a few hundred a month extra . . . . Yet just paying a few hundred more per month extra will stick take me ~3ish more yrs to be done. In the grand scheme I know paying off a 30 yr loan in 15 is good, but ugh. Yesterday I even found myself dreaming about leaving a stable job to go back to a firm where I could get a bonus at yr end and just pay them off. WWYD?

    1. My student loans were at 8% so it was a totally different calculus for me, but I paid them ASAP, even at the expense of saving for retirement (Big Law, no employer match). Now I have a mortgage that is at 2.5% and I’m paying much more than the minimum but I’m maxing out my 401k first and keeping a solid emergency fund. I know the market is expected to return greater than 2.5% but I really want the debt burden gone.

    2. Pay them off as fast as you can. The only thing standing between me and pursuing jobs that I’d actually want to have (but pay a lot less) are my six figures of student loan debt. It may help to meet with a financial planner who could set up some sort of repayment schedule for you with a finite end date.

    3. Calculate how much more you will pay in interest if you just pay them on schedule. That’s what drove me to pay mine off.

      1. But that’s what has driven me to NOT pay them off — i.e. the S&P has returned 8.6% YTD, my interest rate is ~2.8%. Money that would have been used as extra payments has earned 5.8% more in the market YTD; this has been true in every year except 2008-2009 though percentages vary yearly. I know that calculus will change when the market starts to fall . . . .

        1. I hear you. I also play the numbers game, and this is why I still RENT and don’t buy a condo. I am making so much more $$ with my investments, and I don’t have many other emotional variables pushing me to buy real estate. It does not make financial sense for me to buy where I live right now.

          HOWEVER….

          It seems that you now have a new emotional variable at play. You want out. You want to get rid of this loan. How much is left? I would pay it off. Sometimes you have to give value to your desired peace of mind. You are very wealthy, yes? You are. So now start putting some value in your peace of mind and quality of life and stopping worrying about relatively small amounts of money in the scheme of life.

    5. Hi me a few months ago! I am now 12 years out, had my loans at 2%, and paid slightly more than the minimum (an extra $100-150 a month) for the first ~7 or so years despite being in biglaw. It just wasn’t a priority for me because of the low interest rates (sounds like the same for you). Also, my first firm never paid the huge bonuses, and I had the typical late 20s-early 30s expenses (needed car, wedding, home purchase, then childcare) that tended to be a higher priority than paying off loans at 2%.
      Starting a couple of years ago, I started amping up the automatic monthly payments by $100 every couple months, then when I had a lower 5-figure balance I paid it off with last year’s bonus.
      My life is not significantly different having paid off my loans, but it’s nice that it’s one less monthly bill and theoretically gives me more opportunity to accept a lower paying position if I wanted to (though it was never one of my biggest monthly bills anyway, so it’s some freedom but not total freedom).
      Honestly, I think paying them off on schedule or slightly ahead of schedule at your current interest rate really isn’t a bad decision for people in your/our position — and a lot of the advice about paying them off comes from the position of ppl with much higher interest rates so isn’t entirely applicable to us. I would definitely not take a job you don’t want in order to pay off the loans. Just plug away, throw what you can at them (and maybe that means cutting something else out because of the stress that not having them paid off is causing you). Good luck!

    6. Pay them off now and stop telling yourself that 15 years is good? It’s not. You made a fortune. There is no reason why you didn’t pay these off in 10 years.

      1. I think it depends on why someone took longer to pay them off. If you were investing in the market, and the market return is > the loan’s interest rate, there’s an argument that that was a good financial decision. It sounds to me like that’s what OP did. If you didn’t pay them off because you were buying a car, house, wedding, etc as someone mentioned above, then I agree with you that that’s not very impressive and with the fortune you earn in Big Law you should be able to easily afford all those things plus throwing a ton of cash at loans/invested savings.

      2. If I had 2% loans, there is zero chance I’d be paying them off rather than investing.

        1. Yep. And given Cornellian’s discussion re net worth and investing yesterday in the early retirement/FI thread — I’m pretty much going with her on this one rather than the poster above telling OP a 15 yr payoff isn’t good bc she made a fortune. Having a portfolio – MUCH better.

      3. ?? I think OP has said she didn’t pay them off bc she was investing and has stated that the investment rate > loan rate. Just bc you don’t get that doesn’t mean it’s not good from a financial perspective. Not many people walk out of biglaw with any kind of portfolio – often bc they are paying off loans but also bc they are indulging in expensive vacations, weddings etc.

        OP frankly if I were you, I’d up the monthly a bit but keep investing until we hit a down cycle in the market — which is likely coming though who knows if it’s now or a yr from now. Then you can reassess. Don’t underestimate your knowledge of investing — it isn’t super common for lawyers.

        1. It’s unrealistic to think you will always get a great return from investments if you are looking at a relatively short time horizon. Maybe over a 20 year period it all evens out to an average 6% rise, but in the next five years there could easily be another bear market. So although the market is sometimes a great option, it doesn’t deliver automatic returns.

    7. If you just want a reason, “standard” loan repayment used to be 10 years. These 30 year loans are a new thing.

    8. If you want them GONE then pay them off. Your spirit and soul is telling you something and you should listen to it. You can use the monthly payment amount to invest more. Personal finance is personal for a reason. Our emotions are not to be undervalued. Some people just really hate debt (me included).

      1. My husband has FFEL consolidated student loans at 2%. He isn’t pushing to pay these loans off because if he were to suddenly pass away, his debt “dies” with him. His parents didn’t cosign, his loans were all in his name and taken out before we were married. He’s the only one responsible for them. It’s better for us to sink extra money into the mortgage and retirement accounts, because that’s money that can be passed on to our children. Extra money dumped into student loans would, if he were to die in the next 15 years, be wasted.

        Just throwing that out there for anyone with Federal Loans, a low interest rate, and children.

    9. I’m in your situation except that I haven’t been paying any extra on my 1.8% loans and I went back to school so now they are deferred. I have about $32k remaining after 11 years of payments (on a biglaw-ish salary too).

      I am glad I didn’t pay off the loan.

      I have only ever sold stock to buy a house. Having that low interest loan helped me jump start investing which gives me the flexibility to do what I want to do using cash. I could pay it off tomorrow but I just can’t see the benefit. I feel guilty about not being worried that I’m not paying it off.

      That said, you do you. If you are losing sleep over this, pay it off. Today. No question.

  19. Anyone have sore br*asts as a very early symptom of pregnancy? My period isn’t due for another 9ish days (I think I ovulated about seven days ago – I have longish cycles) but they feel sore the way they do the day or two before my period. I’m trying not to get my hopes up (we’ve been trying for a while) but it seems way too early to be a PMS symptom.

    1. Yes, this was the only symptom I had and what made me realize I was pregnant (I was 5 weeks).

    4. Yep – they were noticeably bigger and sensitive starting maybe 5 days before my period was due. I attributed it to PMS despite never having those symptoms before (I’d been off the pill 4-5 months and just thought maybe I was still adjusting). Good luck!

    5. I’ve also been TTC for quite sometime and have this happen almost every month now and I haven’t been pregnant. It can be a no-pill hormonal thing as your cycle works through its phases.

    6. Knew I was pregnant because I was crossing my arms over my chest whenever I went up or down the stairs to minimize painful bouncing. I hope it is the same for you.

    7. My b reasts were crazy sore and I also had these weird cramps that felt more like something was stretching or pulling than regular menstrual cramps.

      Also (sorry, this is gross) I had the bright-yellow cervical mucus people talk about on TTC sites show up about three days before I tested positive. Once you see it, you’ll know it. I’ve never had it again, just when I was first pregnant.

      Fingers crossed for all the folks hoping to see positives on their tests this cycle.

    9. Totally – I was in agony when I took my bra off from the very beginning until like four months in. Good luck!

    10. Yes, and I was like, hey b00bs, calm the f down! You’re not on duty until 8 months from now!

    11. Yes. Sore breasts, feeling unusually bloated/crampy (like my period was coming), and insomnia/vivid dreams were my first pregnancy symptoms before the positive test. Good luck to you!

  20. Any hotel reccs for Frankfurt, Germany or Saltzberg, Austria?

    We’ll have a toddler with us and are looking for good locations and ideally a suite setup where we could stick the kid in one room and still be able to chill after he goes to bed.

    1. No reccs for those cities, but we are traveling to Europe this summer with a toddler and went the Air BNB route for just that reason (separate rooms).

    2. I did Airbnb in Berlin and Stuttgart, Germany for 2 BR rentals and loved it. I’m not sure if you want hotel amenities specifically, but we had really good luck with reasonable rentals and our toddler.

      We were in Frankfurt for one night and stayed at the Hilton Garden Inn at the HBF, which was out of convenience due to travel (train in / airplane out). Despite what the Hilton website says, they do NOT offer childcare services! However, I can recommend the HBF area to run a toddler around in, even though there were some high traffic areas, the shop/restaurant areas were just fine, and there was a very large dinosaur to look at.

  21. Without going into the long, dirty details, I’ve been my department’s interim director for the better part of a year. Not continuously, but split between two stints after my boss resigned and then the new boss got canned. It’s a small group and everybody knows I’m the one who has been keeping it together, with a partial staff to boot. For several months now, I’ve made it known that I’d like to serve in the role permanently. Everyone seemed thrilled. Imagine how surprised I was when my boss let me know that they would be doing full external search for the role. She couched it as she can’t imagine anyone will be more qualified than I am, but they have to do it because we’re a public institution. Which I totally get, but I also know it’s possible to get exemptions — and she had talked to me about pursuing an exemption. This conversation happened a week ago and I’m still ticked off. I know I’m not entitled to the role, but I’ve worked my tail off to keep things from falling apart and dealing with major organizational changes — all while short-staffed. Now I have to find the time and energy to apply for the job that I’m already doing?! I feel like I shouldn’t be upset, but I am. The past year has been one dumpster fire after another and sometimes I wonder if planning an exit strategy wouldn’t be wiser than applying for a promotion.

    1. Plan your exit strategy. If you get it, great. If not, you will feel better with a plan in place.

    2. I had the same thing happen with more than a decade of experience with the institution (you either know me well enough by now to give me the job or you don’t!) AND I had another offer for the same job at another institution (which would have required a move). I stuck it out and went through the process and got the job. I know it’s the process , not me as a person, but yes, it was a lot of work and it stung personally. The only advice I got from others is that if you apply/interview/get the job, you are “legitimate” and if you get it via exemption, some people will think you are not. Good luck!

      1. Logically, I know you’re right. I wish they had never mentioned the exemption as a possibility. Because now it does feel personal, compared to pursuing a full search from the start. I’m doing the job and you say you’re happy with my work, but are you really?

      2. I DTMF and never looked back…happily in another organization now. I learned the hard way how my old organization viewed internal professional development and promotion.

    3. You know they would have you in the position if they wanted it. Apply elsewhere. If you get an offer you can always use it as leverage. But more likely you’ll realize there are far better opportunities without the chaos (or at least you’ll go in fresh somewhere with respect for your talents from the powers that be who will find you all shiny and new). It’s tempting when you give something your all to feel like you just need to wait it out to reap the benefit. But how much work you put in isn’t a promise to what you get out—if it were, you would already be in that position, having proved twice you can handle it. Time to cut bait.

    4. That sucks. More work, but do both – -apply for promotion AND look around. Sounds like they don’t deserve or appreciate you.

  22. Am I missing something about the Wonder Woman movie being so feminist? I mean, didn’t Laura Croft of Tomb Raider and the James Bond girls already do this? Is there a reason to be super excited about a super hero in a mini skirt? What am I missing…

    1. I haven’t seen the movie, but I think part of why people are so excited is that it was the first superhero/blockbuster directed by a woman and it was also made with an all-female crew. Movies directed by women are (surprisingly?) rare to begin with, and a woman directing a superhero movie with a female star and an all-female crew is unheard of.

      1. Wonder Woman didn’t have an all-female crew. That was an indie movie that came out this weekend, Band Aid

    2. First female superhero movie directed by a woman, and Lara Croft doesn’t really count as a superhero, and the Bond girls definitely don’t since they’re supporting characters at best. Marvel had also previously implied (or maybe straight up said, I don’t remember) that it wasn’t making a Black Widow movie because it didn’t think women saw superhero movies and didn’t think men would see a superhero movie about a female superhero.

    3. I don’t understand how Bond girls could be feminist. They’re supporting characters put there to make him look manly. He even assaults a few at his leisure.

    4. Uhhhh you’re missing that being a superhero is different than being a Bond girl? You maybe haven’t seen the movie?

    5. I saw it last weekend. Wonder Woman and the other Amazons were presented as tough, capable women. The female society was functional with strong political and military leadership. Somehow, their (justified) confidence and decisiveness came across to me more than it had for similar characters in other movies. (That said, I don’t recommend the movie because I thought the plot really dragged.)

    6. Lara Croft was all about the male gaze. Bond girls are also all about the male gaze, are not protagonists, and are explicitly s3x objects for Bond, especially before and even after the Daniel Craig reboot.

      A friend of mine saw WW over the weekend and came out blown away by the total absence of b00b/bum/male gaze camera shots, like how you don’t notice how wrong things are normally until you are in a situation where you don’t have that. Which is what you can get with a female director.

      The other Amazons are played by real women athletes from MMA, crossfit, etc. There was an EW article about it recently. Women who are physically strong in real life.

      Also that instead of the trope where a worldly man comes upon an isolated princess and teaches her about s3x and she’s immediately subservient to and dazzled by him, Diana going “yeah, I know what my body does; men are not necessary for pleasure, kthx” and him 100% supporting her awesomeness and battle prowess.

      If you (generic you) are planning to hold out forever until Hollywood offers you, out of the blue, a 1000% feminist big-budget action movie, you’re going to be waiting forever. The last woman protagonist superhero movie was Elektra more than ten years ago, and it was terrible, so what resulted were a bunch of excuses for Hollywood (white male) executives about why there’s no reason to have another female protagonist movie. This movie blows apart those stereotypes, like women directors can’t handle big budget action movies, women directors can’t make blockbusters, women protagonist movies aren’t blockbuster material, that women won’t show up in droves to pay to see action movies in theatres.

      Everyone please go see Wonder Woman. Vote with your wallet.

      1. DH and I are going to see it this weekend, and I’m so excited. We rarely go to the movies (typically just wait for things to come out to watch at home), but it’s really important to me to vote with my wallet for this one as well.

    7. There are many, many, MANY superhero movies about men. Some of them feature strong women who also fight, and there’s a couple about groups of heroes with one or two women who are awesome, but until now there’s never been a superhero movie that centers around a woman, because studios were convinced it can’t be done well and no one would go see it.. Which is ridiculous because Wonder Woman is one of the oldest known comic book heroes, right up there with Captain America and Superman, but they all have numerous films about them. And don’t get me started on all the Batman movies, some of which are awful, but they still get made.

      It’s a victory not only because Warner Brothers finally went ahead and made the movie comic-loving women have been waiting for for decades, but because it’s been an undeniable success, both in that it’s a box office hit and most respectable critics have been giving it really great reviews.

      That’s not to say the movie world and nerd world haven’t had feminist icons before this, of course we have! But this is still a huge milestone and a step in the right direction. Now, it’s time to see what Marvel does with Captain Marvel. And where’s my Ms. Marvel TV show, ABC? Hmm? I’m waiting!

      1. Ah, I forgot Barbarella and Elektra got movies too . . . we like to pretend those didn’t happen . . .

    8. There’s a women doing the fighting, saving the day (and the sidekick) and defeating the Big Bad. This is *her* story. She’s the focus of the story, rather than Iron Man, Thor, Batman or Superman.

      It’s about representation. Women can be superheroes that save the day (and have the movie focus on them), instead of just helping the guys do it.

    9. Hmm… I’m definitely not a troll and there are some good points raised in answer to my questions. But, I think the comparison to Laura Croft or Bond girls makes sense b/c this is Wonder Woman we are talking about. She’s not a new character; she has a history as a character. We can try to revise this history, but she has history. She was absolutely “eye candy” in her history (to tons of teenage boys reading Marvel) and was absolutely a side-kick to other superheros. And, she’s been cast in her same-old-same-old sexy costume. This isn’t a brand new super hero we’re talking about. A choice was made to make this movie in the history of this character and that can’t be erased just b/c we’d like it to be.

      1. I’m not quite sure what you mean by your last line, but to me it means that they chose to make a big-budget superhero movie based on an existing popular character, and that seems less like a choice than a fact of the genre. If you made a Wonder Woman movie and the main character didn’t have anything in common with Wonder Woman you would have a tough time making the movie, as the reason these movies get big budgets is because they have familiar characters with existing loyal followings. And honestly her new costume has more in common with Xena than with old-school Wonder Woman iterations.

        1. I don’t have a problem with the movie. Only with how it’s being presented as a breakthrough moment for women’s issues – that’s what puzzles me. Honestly Hillary lost and there was the women’s march and so I think a movie exec is capitalizing on the moment to sell extra movie tickets by saying this is such a moment for women.

  23. Any suggestions for something fun to send a woman for a birthday that is not flowers? I was thinking that $6 cookie card someone on here referenced a couple of weeks ago, or maybe a three-month birchbox subscription just for fun, but would love any other ideas.

    1. What’s your budget?

      Does your friend like to cook/garden? I sent my mom a Meyer lemon tree for her birthday one year. She loves it (smells great) and it’s still going strong.

      I wish someone would buy me one of those succulent glass terrariums or closed aquatic ecosystems on Amazon for my birthday!

      1. These are great ideas! I love the glass terrarium from Amazon. Ideally it would be less than $50.

      3. Great ideas!!

        Is the Meyer lemon tree and indoor plant? Does it actually give you lemons?

        1. I have one!! It’s indoors, and just bloomed–no fruit yet but i am cautiously optimistic.

        2. My mom takes it in and puts it out, but hers lives outside quite a bit (NoVA climate). She gets lots of lemons!

  24. Question– my S/O and I have started talking about marriage and baby for the end of this year. In theory, this is something that I have absolutely always with him, specifically. Before meeting him, I proudly professed how I did not want to be married or ever have kids. Our relationship has changed my mind completely on that.

    But, now that we’re actually planning for it (i.e. taking our “dream vacation” before TTC, talking about housing changes so we have space for a nursery, etc.), I am terrified. I’m suddenly thinking of all the things I won’t be able to do once I’m pregnant or have a kid. For example, I won’t be able to skip out of work and go out for drinks with friends whenever I want to because… baby. I won’t be able to hop on a flight for a weekend getaway to the Caribbean at a whim because… baby. He and I won’t be able to hop out of bed at 10pm on a Saturday night and get ready for a party and go dance, drink and be merry until 3am because… baby.

    Now that it’s a real idea and something we’re planning for, I feel like we will both be losing so much.

    Is this normal? Am I talking myself out of this? FWIW, I’m 37 and he is turning 40 in 2 weeks.

    1. The things you’re talking about are exactly why my husband and I aren’t having kids. Because we love our lifestyle and don’t want it to change. That’s just to say that, from my perspective, your concerns are totally normal! I don’t have any advice for you — just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

    2. Yes. Very normal.

      I personally freaked out and then I imagined my life without kids and imagined it with kids.

      You know what? We could be very happy with no kids. Absolutely fully live fulfilled lives.

      With a kid though, there would be another layer. We now have a toddler and it was absolutely the right decision for us.

      I also realized that 1) your life doesn’t end because you have a kid, 2) you can do all of those things, they just require a little more planning and a good support network, and 3) I don’t want to still party all night on the reg (it’s loud and I get mad at drunk people). I realized that I wouldn’t really be ‘losing’ those things.

        1. I had all those thoughts too before baby– I think they’re totally normal. Also in NYC, with mostly childless friends, which I think kind of magnifies how much you’re missing out on. That being said, I now have a toddler, and in retrospect, even with all the loss of freedom (that is very real)–it was still the best decision I ever made. Not to say it’s necessarily the right decision for you, but for us, the tradeoffs have definitely been worth it. And like Clementine said, your life won’t be over, it just won’t be nearly as spontaneous :)

          Good luck deciding!

    3. Do you actually do that now? How often do you spontaneously get out of bed at 10 to go party?

      1. Every couple of weeks… we take a disco nap and go out. It’s NYC and I know a lot of people who host parties (I am a publicist, it’s part of my job, I guess). So, there’s always a ton to do. This spontaneity would no longer be possible.

        1. Depending on your budget, there may be childcare arrangements, such as a live-in nanny or just a babysitter on weekend nights where that kind of spontaneity remains possible.

          Or, if you can give up some spontaneity, you can plan to have an overnight babysitter every couple of weeks. One of ours also babysits for a family where she goes over late, stays all night, and wakes up with the kids to give them breakfast and take them out while their parents sleep in. We’ve done something where Babysitter A has watched Kiddo while we stayed out late, and Babysitter B came at 7 am to help until 10 or so.

    4. A few points to consider:

      I have 2 school-age kids. From the very beginning, I found that if you’re willing to ignore what people say you “should” do, you can do almost anything you want, including most or all of the scenarios you mentioned above. The difference is that certain choices will “cost” more. So yes, you can spontaneously decide to go out for drinks with friends after work. but there will be “costs” like you have to arrange care for the child (trade nights out with your husband, or hire a sitter), and if you get drunk and still have to get up to change a diaper at 4 AM, you will physically suffer a bit. So in some cases you might decide it’s not worth it, and in other cases it will be worth it and you’ll bite the bullet and do the social thing and not regret it for a second. But either way, it’s still your choice. There’s very little that’s truly impossible with a child (or children) if you get creative and give it a shot.

      The other side of the coin is that you may find that some of your desires shift. It’s not that you change as a person so much – you’ll still enjoy going out for drinks or dancing. But new pleasures come into your life – like the pleasure of snuggling a sweet baby all night, then getting enough sleep to wake up refreshed for a family trip to a park the next day. It may not sound like that much fun now, but that’s because you haven’t met your new family member yet. Once these new pleasures are concrete, most people are generally happy to adjust the overall balance – still do the stuff you used to like (even though it takes a bit more effort), but somewhat less often, in order to make room for the new stuff you also like.

      I am absolutely not trying to convince you to have kids, it’s 100% reasonable to decide that it’s not for you. Just sharing my experience in case it’s helpful, with zero judgement or intent to imply that I somehow know the right answer for you and your husband.

      1. +1 to this and to all of the above who said you can still do these things post-baby. My husband and I weren’t into staying out all and partying pre-baby but we did enjoy trips with just the two of us, going out to eat, beer/wine tastings, etc. This past weekend, we went to a beer tasting, we did a vacation with just the two of us earlier this year and we frequently go out to eat just the two of us. It helps tremendously that my parents are nearby and are willing and happy to babysit, but you can arrange the same with paid babysitters/friends/other support people if you don’t have family nearby.

        Also agree that your interests may change post-baby and you might enjoy quiet days in or trips to the local parks more.

      2. I don’t disagree with the first paragraph at 12:23, but I just want to honestly say that this is so much harder than it sounds. And your concerns, OP, about losing freedom and spontaneity are very well-founded. I have a toddler (and another on the way), and life has changed so much since his birth. No one would describe my son as easy-going, so perhaps it’s different if your baby/toddler is more laid back, but there’s no way I’m dragging him along to most of the social events we used to engage in, as he would be disruptive and my husband and I wouldn’t have any fun because we’d be stressed out the whole time. Yes, we have babysitters occasionally, but we also both work more than full time, so we actually want to spend some of our weekend time with our son and not just jet off without him all the time.

        All that said, I am pregnant with my second, so clearly we decided it’s worth it! My son is the absolute best thing in my world, and I tear up just thinking about not having him in my life. But for sure, we go out waaaaaaayyy less often (and this starts in pregnancy too, when you’re sober/sick/exhausted and don’t have the energy or desire to socialize like you used to).

        1. + 1
          At least for me, I experience a lot of guilt if I don’t spend most, if not all, of my weekend time with my son. My son is also not easy-going, and at 4 years old, not a good eater. I don’t like taking him out to restaurants and traveling feels like same thing, different location. (Wake up early, go to parks, etc.) I love him and don’t regret having him at all, but disagree that you can kind of keep your life the same without kids. Maybe you can, and if you have a certain type of kid, great. But, maybe it doesn’t work out that way.

    5. How often do you really hop a flight to the Caribbean or go out dancing all night? There’s a scene in When Harry Met Sally where Meg Ryan’s character says essentially that, that the and her partner delayed marriage/kids so they could keep doing that stuff but then she woke up one day and realized they weren’t really doing that stuff to begin with.

      I think your fears are normal but I also think you can do more than you think with kids, especially if you only have one (a friend took her family to India when her kid was 8 months old) and the teeny baby stage doesn’t last forever. I also think you should think about how long this stage of your life will last even if you don’t have kids. Maybe you have a sizable number of childless-by-choice friends and you really will be having wild late nights in your 40s and 50s, but many people begin to get really consumed with their own families in their late 30s/around 40. My husband and I were the last of our friends to try for a baby and part of the reason we finally felt “ready” was that we no longer really had any friends who were up for late nights or boozy brunches, because they all had infants and toddlers. It’s hard to be the first ones to leave the party but I imagine it’s also hard to wake up and find all your friends have families and it’s too late for you to have your own kids, so you might think about what your friends’ plans are.

      1. Most of my/our friends are childless and living great lives -ourselves included. We travel out of the country every other month and sometimes more if we can sneak off for a weekend. This year alone, we’ve been to Cuba, Thailand, India, Mexico (Holbox Island) and are heading to Cancun next weekend for his b’day, Panama for Labor Day and Bali/Turkey in November. And I’ve spent a few hours today looking at possibly heading to Iceland for a weekend in August. This is really our life! And I know it’s a magical life – and one that involves a lot of socializing, going to events (the VC Polo Classic this weekend, Governer’s Ball music festival, First Fridays at the Brooklyn Museum, anyone?!).

        I know it sounds trivial and even superficial – but I love this life. And I wish I could have this life and still have a baby to take along but that panic is real and legit and scaring me to death.

        Is there anyone who has been the “first to leave the party” and then regretted having a baby? I wonder if I need to speak to a therapist about this.

        1. FWIW, we travel all the time with our toddler (3.5 y.o.). To the degree that his preschool teacher tried to guilt me about how much “school” he’s missing (he’s 3!). Just this year, he’s been to the Caribbean, Paris, and Spain. My husband and I loved traveling before we had him, and now it’s one of our favorite things to do as a family. And our toddler loves it too – he loves running around new places and going on adventures, and he loves spending all that time together as a family. And he’s great on the plane and happy to sleep in hotels as long as he gets to share the bed with us. It’s great.

          I was never much of a night owl, even before kids, but I do think that’s harder to do. But the travel part is very doable.

          1. We have taken our daughter out of the country every year since she was born, beginning when she was six months old, and I definitely fall in the “travel is possible with a baby” camp, but eight international trips per year doesn’t sound doable to me with an infant or toddler or with multiple young kids. Although frankly eight international trips sounds kind of exhausting even for a childless person. I also think vacations look pretty different post-kid. Still fun and I 100% do not regret having a child, but we have had to give up a lot of the things we enjoyed on vacations pre-kid (and the I bet OP enjoys too) like meals at *** Michelin restaurants, long lazy days of wine tasting, adventurous hiking, etc. I suppose you could still travel like this if you brought a nanny along and left the baby with the nanny most of the time, but if that’s your plan I think you might be better off not having kids. Kids are not for everyone, and that’s ok!

        2. ……adopt me?

          “I know it sounds trivial and even superficial – but I love this life.”

          Creating a life full of experiences you love is neither trivial nor shallow.

        3. So here’s the question I’d pose to you: why are you thinking about having a baby? Right now, it seems like all you can think about is what you’ll lose by having a baby, but clearly something is driving you to consider it. What’s the motivator there?

          I’m also used to a fairly fancy-free life with lots of fun travel and evening events and all that. And I love all of that. But sometime last year, I started to think about what it would be like if I were, say, getting to show Venice to my child, or teaching my son or daughter to paddle. I started to want those experiences, and I started wanting to have the experiences that I could only have by giving up some of my control. How differently would I see the Menil Collection (site of one of my recent trips) if I were showing it to my child? What would I see that I didn’t see when it was just me?

          Again, this needs to be your decision (although from an age perspective, it’s one you need to make soon), but in considering it, don’t let your fears of what you might lose crowd out your hopes for what you might gain.

        4. If you really travel that much, having a school-age child might be harder on your lifestyle than having a baby. Once your child is in school, you can pretty much only travel over summer break, Christmas break, spring break or certain three-day weekends. We travel a lot less than you do and it was still an adjustment when our daughter started first grade and had to be home on ~250 specific days/year.

    6. You should only have kids if you want kids. You are going to miss some things, no doubt, like spontaneity and easy vacations and partying and all of that (though some of this is still entirely possible, you just might have to take turns.)

      But you’re missing now some of the great stuff you get with kids. Saturday morning cuddle with a clean, sweet smelling baby. The sense of partnership in parenthood. The intense, intense bonding you experience with your child that no one can explain to you. And raising sweet little babies into well functioning, loved and secure kids and young adults.

      There are definitely pluses to parenthood, otherwise no one would do it!

      I personally adore being more of a homebody now with my teen kids than I did as a party girl in my mid to late thirties. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

    7. And just another perspective — they’ll be gone in 20 years and although that seems like a long time and late 50s/early 60s probably seems unimaginably old to you at this point, my husband and I party harder now as empty nesters than we ever thought of doing when we were young. Raising kids isn’t forever, even though it feels like it when you’re in the thick of it.

      1. You don’t even have to wait that long! My parents took their first couples-only vacation when I was five and my sister was three. And there were many nights when we were in elementary or middle school that they went out to a late party at a friend or hosted guests at our home long after we’d gone to bed. There’s no way around it, the diaper/nursing years require a big lifestyle adjustment, but once they’re potty-trained and not attached to the b00b, you can kind of make your lifestyle into whatever you want.

    8. I asked a similar question here about six months ago and a few people urged me to start trying because it can take longer than you think. Now I’m that person who has been trying for six months w/o success. All my previous ambivalence has gone out the window and I desperately want a baby right now. Even if you get pregnant ASAP, you still have almost a whole year to adjust and your body will make some hormones to help ease the transition. Not trying to be a Debbie Downer, but just something to think about.

    9. You are 37. There is a decent, not tiny chance that by the time you start trying you will already be infertile due to age.

      I was not on birth control at 38 and never got pregnant after years of trying.

      Just an FYI.

      There is no guarrantee that anything will be predictable here. I think you need to accept that once you get on this path a ton of life stuff will be out of your control.

  25. Has anyone considered or decided not to have kids (even one) partly because you feel like you can’t afford it? I know many are very wealthy on this site, but really, I’m asking for advice from those of you who aren’t. Have you thought about this? I’ve always been iffy about having a child, and I’m like 80% sure I would if money were no object. I’m wondering how much of my anxiety about it relates to money. I’m laughably behind in retirement at 36 (long bout of unemployment and have never had a match) and I don’t want to work beyond 60. I just don’t enjoy working much at all. If I throw tons into investments starting next year-ish (once my student loans are paid off) I think I can retire around 60. If I have a child, I may never be able to retire. I’m just wondering if I’m the only one who thinks about it this way. It will not be the deciding factor, but it will be a factor, and I have to decide relatively quickly even if foster care adoption is the way I go (which would be most likely for me).

    1. No, you are not the only one. I almost terminated my third pregnancy in the first trimester by choice (yes, a schmamortion) because of costs of raising a child (and other stressors). You are not alone. Raising a child, fostering a child, adopting a child, it is all very expensive. Living is expensive. Educating and working is expensive. These are all real considerations and there are trade-offs. I am a victim of it, too, despite the three children.

      1. This comment comes across as super smug. You have three children! The OP is specifically asking about the decision to not have kids at all.

        1. Admitting that you almost aborted one of your children is pretty much the opposite of smug, I think. She was trying to empathize with OP about finances having an effect on family planning. Presume good intentions.

      2. While I appreciate the responses, only one person has said “yes” in the way I framed it. (I’m sorry about your mom.) I don’t think anyone is smug, but it’s very different deciding one and done vs deciding you can’t afford any. I’m single, make $90,000 per year, but have less than $10K in retirement. Even though a relatively big part of me wants to be a parent, I just don’t think I can do it. It makes me sad.

        1. It sounds like you really really want a kid. For that reason, I’d say go for it. I got pregnant when H and I together made about what you’re making, though I knew I had a good chance of increasing my salary in about a year (and I did), though I make a lot less than most of the posters here, and H doesn’t work.

          It helped that I thought of the people I know who made much less (say, two $30k incomes) and were raising a kid just fine. A kid is expensive, yes, but they don’t *need* that much — diapers, a safe place to sleep, food, adults who love them. That’s pretty much it. You probably won’t be able to retire at 60, because you’ll probably want to spend your money differently, but I think on $90k you definitely *can* have a kid.

          (I hope this doesn’t come across as lecturing — I want to empower you to think of how you can do this, because you sound like you’d love to do it!)

    2. I considered it regarding maternity leave and whether I would have a job to return to. I make more money and wasn’t comfortable jeopardizing my job to have a baby. Once I was assured I would have a job (small shop, no FMLA) and some paid leave, I was comfortable trying. Hasn’t come to fruition yet. I do worry that I am also behind saving for retirement and that daycare money could go a lot further in my investment accounts. We have decided no ART for us and if it doesn’t end up happening, plan B is a beach house.

    3. Yes….

      Although I am single, and was considering having a child alone, possibly adopting. But my Mom passed away tragically and I would have no other help/support, so I realized I simply cannot afford it will all of the additional childcare expenses etc..

      1. Yes, me too. I am single, and one income simply isn’t enough. I don’t live close to any of my family members, and my one income isn’t big enough to afford multiple different types of help, which would be necessary so that I could keep my job. Honestly, having kids is a huge luxury to me, and one that I know i will never be able to afford. It annoys me when people talking about having kids as something they are entitled to, or even the most meaningful thing they have experienced. It reads as very elitist. Like, my life is supposed to be defined by this one experience, which is frankly off limits to me due to cost.

        1. Thank you for this. I get very frustrated when people tell me I’m a bad person for thinking that finances should come into play when it comes to having kids. There are millions of people drowning in debt who believe they are entitled to kids, and I simply disagree. I’m not drowning in debt, and will be debt free soon. But I still don’t have enough money…

          1. No way, you are so smart to consider finances. It’s unfortunate more people don’t.

            You know those people who say you’ll never be ready for kids? I feel like I was as ready as someone could be, and a large part of that was feeling financially secure enough to do it.

          2. Yeah, I think people who say that must have parental support. Like JuniorMInion, we have no family to help. I’m an orphan and my husband’s mom is eight hours away. It feels reckless for me not to calculate additional costs for my reality (I added more money to the babysitting category and 1000 to a post-partum doula, but obviously YMMV).

    4. Not quite the same as not having kids at all, but finances are a significant factor (although not the only one) for why we plan to be one and done.

    5. My husband and his first wife were both struggling artists and decided not to have kids for financial reasons.

      When I married my husband he was in his early 40s and I was in my mid 30s. Suddenly, for him, kids were possible because I had a normal corporate career and he had also left the art world and had a decent paying job (if not a career). And we do have kids now, and all is fine but really to be perfectly honest, we could also have done so with a lot less.

      In hindsight his reluctance to have kids with his first wife was more about their party lifestyle and her substance abuse issues.

    6. This may be naive (since my kid is so young), but I get the impression that (assuming you’re okay with public school, etc), once you get past paying a nanny/daycare/preschool, the unavoidable childcare costs drop. Of course many people start pyaing for private school/soccer/flute lessons/etc, but I’m happy to view those as icing on the cake for a childhood, and not necessary.

      I definitely ran numbers on how having a kid would affect my finances and got comfortable with it before I proceeded.

      Thankfully this hasn’t been relevant to me so far, but the chance of having a special needs kid or one with unexpected serious health concerns was really scary to me, financially. Of course, I could get hit by a bus myself tomorrow, so I ultimately tried not to spend too much time worrying about that .

      1. I guess, more directly to your question, I ran the numbers but had spent 4 years living on a shoestring budget and maxing my retirement accounts. Having a 100K in principal made the decision easier for me.

        1. I appreciate your response (esp about the special needs issue bc I worry about that too) but again, you have the money. Your decision was very different. Can you say that if you were in my shoes you would have had a child? – Fellow Cornellian with very different finances

          2. I would probably still do it. I think you may also surprise yourself with how much you can buckle down on expenses and sock away/knock out debt. For a while I lived on 35K post-tax in Manhattan taking care of an epileptic dog and working 60 hour weeks on average (although my employer subsidizes my health insurance so my premiums are low, and I had no big health costs during that time, so I know I was lucky). It wasn’t super awesome, but it was fine, and in addition to pushing me towards payoff of my loans and my retirement goals, it gave me confidence that I could survive on different budgets/if something unexpected happened.

            Six months of being brutal on your budget might get you pretty far along (and be good practice for unexpected bumps in your expenses if you do have a kid).

            When you run numbers, I’d play with turbotax or some similar software so you see the effect of the dependent deduction and any childcare deductions/etc that you’d be eligible for.

          3. Okay, one more followup. Personal finances is sort of my thing, obviously.

            In addition to being brutal on your budget, I’d also take a brutal look at why you only have 10K in retirement savings. Being honest with yourself is really the only way to know whether you can turn your finances around easily (for example, you had cancer in your 20s and had huge OOP expenses, or were caring for a sick family member) or not (you lived beyond your means and didn’t consider debt when making your education choices). If it was a series of decisions over time that got you where you are, I’d be less optimistic about making things work with a kid.

          4. Personal finance is my thing too even though I don’t have much money right now. I never worked in Big Law bc I sucked at the logic games on the LSAT and went to a Tier 2 law school after Cornell. I worked in two small firms with no retirement plans at all. I graduated with $155K in loans. I was unemployed and living with my parents for a year and a half in 2011-2012. I’ve never lived beyond my means. I’ve never had credit card debt. Three years ago, I got super intense about paying off my debt (I was finally able to do so) after paying over $1000 per month for years and never seeing the balances decreasing. I put half of my taxable income to loans last year. I hate the debt. I use a zero based budgeting system and I’m obsessive about it. Yes, maybe I should have put more in retirement instead, but my interest rates on the loans were not low. I don’t appreciate the insinuation that I’ve done something wrong. I’ve won every trial I’ve ever had and have won appeals in my state supreme court as a solo practitioner. I still really resent that I never got the chance to make big money early on in my career. But Big Law is snobby. I am being honest with myself. It’s why I posted the question.

          5. I didn’t mean to insinuate you had done something wrong or that you needed to justify your position to internet strangers, I just meant that I think it’s a good thought process for you to go through when thinking about adding a kid to the mix.

            If you can put half your post-tax income to loans and you’re about to finish them off, it seems like you’d be able to just take that chunk and put it towards childcare/etc expenses without much of a hiccup.

            I do think that comparing yourself too much to other peoples is a path to madness. I lateraled into NYC BigLaw two years ago, which was eye opening. I spent a while thinking about how much money I could have by now if I had always been on this salary scale/if my education had been paid for/if I had taken an LSAT prep course/etc. But ultimately that doesn’t change MY reality or which choice is the right one for me.

          6. If you make $90k per year, why can’t you afford a child? I don’t mean this to be rude, just curious. I agree that kids can be expensive, but a lot of people spend on things they think they need, not actually what they need. (Daycare cost is the biggie that I can think of. Other than that, I haven’t found having a kid to be cost-prohibitive. I only have one.) It’s been difficult for me to save much for retirement (supporting my spouse and child), so will probably get flamed for that, but I wasn’t going to let that get in the way of having a child I knew I wanted.

    7. Yes me, and I am relatively well paid. We have no family who would help us and both are in demanding jobs so the amount of help / care we would have to pay for is astronomical (think 50 – 60 hours a week once all is said and done + anytime we would want to go anywhere on a weekend). I’d say this is about half of the hesitation for us. Like my alternative is retire to a tropical island at 45 – if I have a kid I will likely need to work to 60 / 65 once college and all is factored in. That’s not an innocent tradeoff.

      1. Plus I am also hesitant as someone who earns ~65 – 70% of our household income and carries our health insurance to take a risk with my career. With whats going on now in oil and gas, it has kinda been open season in terms of layoffs

        1. I think you’re right to be worried about this. I earn more like 85% of the household income, and was recently discussing on the moms site how I feel like I am earning all of the money and recovering from childbirth and pumping 3-4 times a day and nursing at night and there are WAY TOO MANY EGGS in my basket. And it’s created resentment and relationship issues, as well.

          Obviously you can’t change biological differences (if you’re going to give birth) but if you can work on his salary/beef up your savings/get in therapy/etc, I would definitely do it.

    8. I just want to empathize and say it’s really smart of you to consider the financial implications of children (I think more people should). I’m not even in close to the same situation, but we’re (well, mainly me, because I’m the bigger worrier) stressed about the financial implications of adding to our family. I’m married, pregnant, and DH and I are well-off financially, but even with two very healthy incomes, having a baby and raising a child is expensive (we’re also in one of the highest COL areas in the country and trying to save for a down payment after paying off $200k in student loans). We will probably end up having fewer children than we’d ideally like to have to meet our retirement and savings goals.

    9. I think you are correct to examine your finances before adding a child. However, financial decisions often reflect what we value. You value early retirement at 60. The question you need to ask yourself is do you value retiring early more than the chance to have a child? There is not a right or wrong answer here, but just what do want to prioritize? If you truly want to have a child, I think you could make it work, but you probably couldn’t retire early.

      For context, I am a foster parent. Since becoming a foster parent, my perspective on work and family has completely changed. How I prioritize my finances has also completely changed. It seems like you have done amazing things with your finances – putting half your taxable income to debt is truly amazing to me! I can see how it is completely intimidating to take on the financial responsibility of having kids while not having a big retirement nest egg. But I think you can do it.

  26. I had a migraine come on in the middle of a business lunch yesterday. Here is what I wrote later in my journal –

    I had a migraine while at lunch with M. It started in the middle of our conversation. At first, I was having a hard time seeing the side of his face to my right. I looked around the restaurant and it seemed like my right side vision was dark and hard to focus, but I wasn’t completely sure. I also felt like I was having a hard time hearing M and focusing on what he was saying.

    I didn’t know for sure it was a migraine because I didn’t see zig-zaggy bright lines, but I definitely knew something was happening. I wondered whether I was having a stroke or heart trouble, whether I would pass out and need an ambulance, or whether I would need to ask M to take me to the hospital. I was kind of scared but outwardly calm.

    Finally, the prism of light appeared in the upper right corner of my vision. It was almost a relief to know that it was a migraine now. I put on my sunglasses and continued the conversation. I happened to have an Aleve in my bag so I took that prophylactically.

    I know M well enough to have told him before that I get occasional migraines (he does too, but without the aura) so I kept asking him whether I was making sense. It has happened to me before that I think I’m saying the right words, but I’m not. He assured me that I was making sense.

    M was worried about me being able to get home, but I assured him that I just had to wait out the aura. It did finally go away after about 10-15 minutes. I felt the headache beginning. I didn’t feel like finishing my lunch.

    I drove myself home and kept my sunglasses on at home for a couple of hours. I had a headache despite the Aleve but it wasn’t debilitating. I felt a sharp craving for salty food, and we happened to have some potato chips, so I ate some of those and started to feel better.

    Today I don’t remember the middle parts of my conversation with M. I feel stupid and embarrassed and wish I knew what caused migraines.

      1. Thank you! That is such a nice offer. I do have a neurologist, though he thinks I’m utterly uninteresting -ha! If I were in NYC I would take you up on it, but I’m in Berkeley CA

        1. The best headache doctor in the country is Dr. Raskin at UCSF. Their headache group is outstanding.

          Your headaches are….. classic. Perhaps that is why they don’t seem so interesting to your doc. And maybe you need a new doc if they aren’t making you feel cared for.

          Have you tried imitrex or the like?

          1. I described in my response to Godzilla why my neurologist thinks imitrex is a bad idea for me.

          2. Ps I though you were in NYC because of your link… I only saw “newyork” at first. I guess my eyes are still not 100%! :)

      2. I’m moving to Austin and would appreciate the name of a neurologist to see for migraines. I’ve taken Imitrex for years and it works fine but I’ll soon run out.

          1. I would look at the doctors at University of Texas, Southwestern, which will have the best academic Neurology group.

            The head of their headache program is Dr. Deborah Friedman. She seems well trained and quite experienced.

            http://profiles.utsouthwestern.edu/profile/127392/deborah-friedman.html

            I would call them now to see what the wait is for a new patient for Dr. Friedman. Then schedule your appointment with them long ahead. You can always call and change it, but get something on the books.

            If they asked who referred you, just give them your current primary care doctor’s name or neurologist, and say that they referred you. It doesn’t matter who you tell them. It is just a reflex question that the registering folks ask you. If possible, get copies of your medical records from your neurologist before you move, and bring them with you. That’s the only way to know for certain your records are getting transferred.

    2. I think my post got lost….

      Are you seeing a neurologist?

      Why are you taking Aleve for a classic migraine with aura? Imitrex family of medications can be useful, taken when your aura starts. There are other options too.

      Nicely written though. You should read Oliver Sacks book about migraine. Old, but well written.

      1. Agreed, naproxen is a lifesaver if you’re stranded without meds but there are other good medications available.

        1. Omg I just looked at the cover of that Oliver sacks migraine book on amazon and it is freaking me out. That is so how migraines look to me.

    3. You should DEFINITELY be seeing a neurologist. Even neurologists do not know what cause migraines. Every person is unique and gets their own special snowflake list of triggers.

      If salt made you feel better, you could be dehydrated. Gatorade/pedialyte/other electrolyte drinks could help.

      Good luck.

      1. Thanks, unfortunately I’m not a candidate for conventional migraine drugs. Last time I saw a neurologist, he said Imitrex was contraindicated because my aura lasts so long. There’s a stroke risk associated with it.

        Theory is, the aura is caused by initial vaso constriction, and the headache is cause by subsequent vaso dilation. A drug like imitrex re-constricts the blood vessel to relieve the pain. So if I’m stuck in a prolonged period of vaso constriction, the last thing I want to do is further constrict blood flow.

        I wrote this up because I had a good description of what a migraine with aura feels like. Does this happen for the rest of you?

        1. I would recommend getting a second opinion from UCSF. There is a lot of controversy about the risks of Imitrex for someone like you.

          Migraine is being researched like crazy and since you are so fortunate to be closest to one of the best Neurology Departments in the country at UCSF, I would visit there once for their opinion. I would also ask them who you should see locally to continue your care if you prefer this. Then just use UCSF as a resource.

          They actually understand a lot now about what is happening during migraine and what causes is some cases.

          1. Thank you, I will check out Dr Raskin. I fortunately only have these 3-4 times per year. I know for many people it is much worse, which is why my neurologist in Berkeley finds me uninteresting.

            I get really worried about where I will be when one comes on. Will I be at a more formal meeting? What if I’m on the Bay bridge? What if I’m on a flight? What if I’m on the Bay bridge on my way to a flight?

          2. You know what, screw your doctor – that’s a crappy bedside manner. Just because other people have it worse, doesn’t mean your issues aren’t important too. If he can’t muster any interest in addressing your concerns, despite being sooooo “uninteresting”, he’s not a very good doctor.

        2. Yes, I’ve had all these symptoms. Sometimes I can’t read – the letters don’t resolve into words, so it’s like the book (or menu or whatever) is written in another language. It’s scary but at least I know what it is.

          Has your doctor talked to you about beta blockers? If your blood pressure is at all high, that might be an option (though it’s a daily med rather than a treatment, so it’d depend also on how frequently you get them). I’m not a good candidate for it (my BP was 90/60 the last time I was at the neurologist) but I’m told it can be super effective and has few side effects.

          1. Thanks. I haven’t spoken to anyone about beta blockers. I will ask, but my BP is normal to low.

        3. I get migraines with aura and have clotting issues with precludes a lot of drug therapies. I find that high doses of ibuprofen + caffeine + nap are sufficient to bring them back down to normal, but I only get them maybe 6-8 times a year.

    4. I just saw that you’re in Berkeley. I highly recommend Dr. Jennifer Ault with Sutter. I have migraines with aura too and I found her to be excellent, thorough and compassionate.

  27. I need 2 gift ideas for my dad (Father’s Day, birthday) that are available on Amazon. He’s, um, kind of a PITA to shop for, to put it kindly. He dislikes tech (so an Echo is out- trust me, he wouldn’t use it, he won’t even use his iPad even though it works JUST LIKE HIS PHONE) but likes music, books, weird coffee table books, movies (black and white movies especially) and cooking. He dislikes gadgets. I’d get him an experience except for that he doesn’t really like to DO anything. A nice card is out because as difficult as he is to shop for, he likes getting gifts and it’s important to me I get him something. He ends up using gift cards for other people (including movie gift cards).

    I got him the NYTimes Obit book for Christmas, which was a hit, as was the Hamilton soundtrack (but not enough of a hit to buy the book or the mixtape). My parents’ dog is his best friend, but he never leaves him so a doggie camera is out. Budget is $50-60 for each and he does not like combined gifts. Help?! In my cart right now is, I’m not joking, sugru moldable glue. FML.

    1. If he likes black and white movies and coffee table books, there’s an old book called Hitchcock/Truffault in which Francois Truffault interviewed Alfred Hitchcock and it was amazing. I see the book is out of print but you can get it from Amazon re-sellers. Also I see they have made a DVD of it which is available at Amazon Prime and looks amazing. Just a shot in the dark.

    2. My other reply got eaten — hopefully it will show up eventually. Coming back to add you can’t go wrong with DVD’s from the Criterion Collection. I am partial to the old samurai movies of Akira Kurosawa. The Seven Samurai, Yojimbo, Sanjuro, Rashomon, and so on. Oh, and Throne of Blood, which is Kurosawa’s take on MacBeth.

    3. He might be my dad. I’ve given up and I just get him a new weird cookbook or food-related book every holiday. He doesn’t love it but I literally am out of ideas. Try:

      Thug Kitchen
      Bacon Nation
      Odd Bits
      Extreme Cuisine
      Deceptive Desserts
      Modern Art Desserts
      Extreme Cakeovers

      All from my recent Amazon purchases…

      1. I just bought my husband Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat based on the recommendation of a friend, because he lvoes food and cooking.

        1. I was just gifted this and it is a fascinating read (and a beautiful book to boot!).

          1. Ah I’m so happy to hear that!!! (Also Pompom is the nickname of someone in my real life — with whom I discussed this purchase! — so I’m chuckling that you commented on this.)

    4. Cookbook? Lately I’ve really enjoyed Rick Bayless’s Everyday Mexican, David Lebovitz’s My Paris Kitchen, and the Food Lab cookbook (but that one may not be the best if he doesn’t like tech). Or Anthony Bourdain’s Kitchen Confidential?

      HONY coffee table book? National Geographic subscription? A book you’ve read recently and liked? Coffee table book from a museum near you (but that probably wouldn’t be available on Amazon)?

      I searched “black and white movies” on Amazon, and there’s a 50-pack (!!!) called “Fabulous Forties” for $17.99 (I have no idea about the actual movies). TCM also has some collections, including one of their Best Picture winners. If your dad likes comedy, Charlie Chaplin collection?

      1. I forgot to mention that he’s excessively picky about his cookbooks. He doesn’t much like um, recipes? I got the Ottolenghi cookbooks a few years ago for him and he likes those (but there aren’t any more coming out until October). He’s read Kitchen Confidential, and my mom and I got him the Modernist Cuisine book when it was on sale a few years ago and he was very meh about it. I considered an Instant Pot but he thinks it’s a gadget, same with a sodastream. We already subscribe to National Geographic, my brother got him the HONY book(s) for Christmas a few years ago, and he informed me I should stop getting him books I’ve read because I read faster than he does and he has a stack of a dozen-plus books to read. Head -> desk.

        I ended up getting:
        1. A book by an author we both like that will be delivered once it’s released in September.
        2. A book about Seattle’s music venues, he grew up in Seattle.
        3. A book about Seattle’s World’s Fair, he went to it when he was little.
        4. A book about a baseball roadtrip, which I forgot to mention he took.
        5. A book with pictures of all the baseball stadiums in the country.
        6. A coffee table book called Cr*p Taxidermy because it looks hilarious.

        So, I pretty much went with all books, but other than the pre-release, none of them are novels. They’re all things he can sit and read and show the dog (I wish I was kidding).

          1. But it sounds like you know your dad well and love him, and you’re a very thoughtful, kind daughter to put so much effort into choosing a gift.

          2. Aww, thanks. We have our moments (see: the fight about the iPad, below, which ended up with me hanging up on him in frustrated tears and not speaking for the majority of the next 24 hours), but I do love him. Giving gifts is how I express love (although, oddly enough, it’s not how I like to receive love), so it’s really important to me I get him something he’ll like.

        3. If he liked the Ottolenghi cookbooks, check out Joan Nathan’s new cookbook, King Solomon’s Table. It’s got those great lush pictures, and I would say it’s 1/3 photos, 1/3 the story of the community where the recipe came from, and 1/3 recipe.

        4. You mentioned baseball. What about something related to a team he likes (Mariners?) other than a book such as a T-shirt, hoodie or hat, game tickets, coffee mug or other merchandise?

      2. In this vein, those historical books that center on a village or place? The Images of America series? My dad–impossible to shop for, already has an Alexa (literally “instead of a dog”) and iPad–likes these! I tried getting him wireless bluetooth headphones for the TV (ok, mostly so my mom didn’t have to hear Fox, Blue Bloods, and Sopranos reruns at volume 11) but he “never set them up” (literally plugging in a dongle…). Having my sister do that next time she’s home.

      3. I love Everyday Mexican – such a good cookbook. You could combine that with some dried peppers or Rancho Gordo beans to get him started.

        I also really like Bittman’s How to Bake Everything, Food 52’s Genius Recipes, and America’s Test Kitchen’s The Science of Good Cooking, depending on his interests.

        1. Quote “Dad, people online love these books by Bittman “How to Blank Everything,” I’d love them for my birthday!”
          “Why would you use those when Joy of Cooking has everything you need?”
          “Because Joy of Cooking can get complicated.”
          “I don’t need anything but Joy of Cooking.” End scene. SIGH. Note: he likes his like, 1975 Joy of Cooking, so even a nice updated copy is out. UGH. I love him but OMG DUDE BE LESS PICKY.

          Pompom, I got two of them! The Seattle books about music venues and the World’s Fair. Great minds think alike! And we got in an argument recently because he was being a brat about his iPad and saying how it’s a POS and I pointed out that no, it isn’t, he just refuses to learn how to use it. I’ve tried to teach him, to no success. I’ve tried to convince him to go to the Apple store for one of their classes, which went over like a lead balloon. So, he still uses his phone to scroll FB and watch puppy videos.

          1. OMG the Bittman books are basically Joy of Cooking for the 21st century. That’s too funny. You’re a good daughter putting in all this thought and effort.

          2. Maybe a book about cooking, but not a collection of recipes? I like On Food and Cooking by Harold McGee. Also Ruhlman’s Ratio is quite informative.

    5. I bought my Dad a Groupon to get his car detailed.

      I also bought him the new book by David Sedaris (he loves him), his favorite treat (chocolate covered espresso beans from Trader Joe’s), and….. a nose hair trimmer. He has a sense of humor.

      My brother chips in. I buy.

      You could get him a DVD collection of one of his favorite TV series from back in the day. Hits for my father have been The Singing Detective, a classic film collection with Casablanca etc…, The Dick Cavett show interviews, and…. The Sopranos.

    6. If he takes the dog on outings, does the dog have one of those leashes with a collapsible water bowl attached? Gourmet salts?

      1. That would involve taking the dog on walks, which he does not do. They go to the dog park, minimum level of activity needed for my dad.

        He went and bought himself a ton of salt when we were in Hawaii this year, eugh.

        1. …what about a Bark Box subscription? Yes it’s for the dog but if he’s the owner who reads books to the dog, he may appreciate this enough to be a gift for him too!

          1. I pretty seriously considerd it and haven’t ruled it out in the future. God knows he gets the dog enough toys, it would be like a gift for him that someone else is paying for the toys and treats.

      3. Would a dog camera still be fun because he could just watch things from the dog perspective? I think it would be kind of hilarious.

      1. Ahh, that’s a good one, I’ll add it to the list for next time because this is an ongoing problem.

    8. My father is terrible to shop for. I usually order him two or three of his favorite Chicago deep dish pizza to be mailed to him since he doesn’t live in that area anymore. Is there a favorite restaurant he likes where the food can be delivered to him? I got my FIL a crate of Fatwood for his fireplace one year. My MIL was horrified, but he LOVED it and still talks about it.

      2. I got him a Collins Street Bakery fruitcake for Christmas that he LOVED, but then my mom got him a tin for Valentine’s day, too, and he hoards it and still has half the Valentine’s left, so that’ll have to wait. I investigated last week on the phone by pretending a colleague was going to Texas and likes fruitcake, which I’m not sure he believed but whatever.

        1. It was actually probably my most successful gift ever for him, he didn’t even take off his hat and coat before having a piece and wouldn’t share it.

          1. DH’s grandmother loves that fruitcake! And most generous person ever, but she will not share that !

    9. I think a “big” cookbook would be good. My dad loved the Serious Eats cookbook (official title: The Food Lab) by Kenji Lopez. Magazine subscriptions like Cook’s Illustrated would be nice.

      Not available on amazon, but I also love 1-3 month subscriptions to food of the month clubs for cooks. There are ones for cheese, bacon, charcuterie, etc.

    10. Take him out for a meal and spend some time with him! I’m at the same point as you. My parents are retired and trying to downsize, and don’t want more stuff. They do want to spend time with me.

  28. Does he like the Beatles? Ringo Star put out a great coffee table book called Postcards from the Boys that compiles postcards the other Beatles sent him over the years and they’re all very charming and witty.

    2. Also adding this to the list. I have an Amazon list called “Shopping for Dad,” but I exhausted all the ideas for Christmas.

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