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Workwear sales of note for 3.22.23:
- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off full-price pants and shirts; extra 30% off all sale styles
- Athleta – 20% off shorts, swim, linen & more
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything; extra 15% off purchase
- Boden – Up to 50% off
- Brooks Brothers – Clearance styles to 70% off. Some pretty serious markdowns!
- Express – Extra 40% off clearance for up to 60% off
- J.Crew – 25% off your purchase; up to 50% off special-occasion styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 15% off 3 styles; extra 20% off 4 styles; extra 50% off clearance
- Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price dresses, skirts, accessories & shoes
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
- What are your favorite parts of a typical day?
- At what point in your life (age, income level, whatever) were you able to take an annual vacation?
- What shoes can I keep at the office to go for mid-day walks (that go with everything)?
- How do you release stress or trauma that’s stored in the body?
- What are the best “networking for women events” you’ve ever been to?
- I feel like we’re burning through any savings we acquire…
- I hate my job and make 30% of what DH makes – should I quit?
- What do you keep in your office?
I get the ridiculousness of posting this on a site that is dedicated to online shopping haha. However, I am trying to only buy from local stores. Does anyone know of an app or something that lets you put in a weird hard to find item and suggests a local family owned store? Its my November Goal. Thanks!
No, but that’s a cool idea. My best bet in cases like that is to get friendly with the people who own my local shops – sign up for their mailing list, follow them on instagram, etc. Let them know if you are on the hunt for something specific, and ask them to tell you if/when they have something like that in stock.
I keep a note in my phone that lists a few fave local stores and which brands they carry (like miz mooz shoes or Marie jo bras), they’ll also order stuff in for me and will usually match online sale prices.
Consider checking with you local city Chamber of Commerce or a business development department – they may have a list of all the locally owned stores so that you can start there and see if anything pops out as what you may need.
I use Nextdoor and the local Reddit page for this.
My city has a “[city] Monthly” magazine that highlights local shops/restaurants/other businesses. Might be worth picking up an issue or two.
My small/medium southern city has several local business alliances. Maybe do a google search for “Cityname Local Business alliance” or “Shop Local Cityname”
Elizabeth, I love the color of this tweed blazer from J. Crew, and will show my manageing partner==another GREAT pick! You are going to be quite fashionable in your law firm if you wear this one!
As for this OP, I am confused about why she would ask about an app for buying local, b/c if there was such an app, wouldn’t it depend on where she lived — if she truly wanted to buy local, no one knows where she lives! I suggest the OP find local places the old fashioned way. Get out and walk the pavement in whatever locale she lives in. By walking, she will find those places locally where they have clotheing that suits her. Dad says she can get more exercise walking then she can by letting her keyboard find places for her, and she will have a firmer tuchus by walking 10,000 steps a day — Dad reminds me of this EVERY day I speak with him. He also sends me messages that he is watching my steps on FITBIT, so he knows if I am not exercising! Anyway, HAPPY MONDAY to Elizabeth, and the entire HIVE! YAY!!!!
Do you ever think about the media that will be created about this decade? How will we refer to it—the tumultuous teens? The turbulent ‘10s? The mood and styles are so different now than they were at the start of the decade, kind of like the 1960s. What will be the Mad Men that depicts fashion, relationships, politics and office culture of this decade in 50 years, and what will be shown?
I’m not sure, but so much is captured on social media these days – I wonder how people will feel about that as they get older. I’m 42 so I went through high school and college without any social media. But now I see on YouTube people vlogging about their days and even showing their kids in great detail. I wonder what it’s going to be like for these kids to look back on parts of their lives shown on the Internet.
I actually saw an article about this–the kids of the first mommy bloggers now old enough to have opinions on it. In general those tween-age and above sounded pretty unhappy about it. I’m sorry I don’t have a link–it was a few years ago.
I wonder about that all the time – especially the children of family vlogging empires. What’s gonna happen when those kids are 13 and want to have a secret identity on the Internet?
I think the exhaustive recording of every feasible detail will make for a less cohesive agreement on the “iconic” trends of larger blocks of time. Trends will move faster and become more isolated, either by geography or by who you “follow” on social.
For example, I was discussing the hazards of overplucking with a friend, and after disagreeing about what was cool at what time, we tried to do a search for eyebrow trends by decade. We agreed about the earlier decades (pencil-thin brows for B&W film stars in the 40s, pronounced arches for the 50s a la Marilyn, very high shapes in the 70s with bright eyeshadow underneath, bushy natural shapes for the 80s a la Brooke Shields) but as we got closer to the present, the trends seemed to become more micro-influenced and less constant. I remember Drew Barrymore wearing very thin brows in the mid or late 90s, but I wouldn’t call that a universal thing. Now, the immaculately-brushed and penciled Instagram brows are big, but they seem on the way out and I couldn’t give you a solid date span for them.
I think defining long spans of time by trends will become difficult, if not impossible. Things are moving too quickly.
The thin 90s brows were definitely near universal where I lived at the time (basically every girl who wore make up was also doing her brows this way). But that might be the last big brow trend before the internet shook things up.
I also think we will look back on sharpie brows and laugh.
I already do!!
I think there will be a differentiation between popular trends among regular people and popular trends among hollywood stars. There is a very definitive style split between the two groups, with regular people following trends on social media way more than copying any particular star’s style, and stars have trended way more subtle in makeup and hair than your average instagrammer.
In-House in Houston
Ladies, I posted about this before and it’s on sale again. Costco has a home laser hair remover that works great. It’s $149.99 which is the price after $50 off. I bought one last time it was on sale and I’ve loved it. It’s permanently removed most of my facial hair. I’m starting to use it on my bikini line too. If you don’t have a Costco membership, you could get one, buy the tool and then cancel the membership for a full refund (or ask a friend who has a membership). It’s really changed my life! Silk’n BellaFlash Pro Touch & Glide HPL Technology
Does it hurt?
I had real laser b/c I have had a lot of dark hair and fair skin. Face, arms, legs, bikini area seemed to go to mid-thigh, etc. It has been pleasantly life-changing. I grew up where I was not that much of an oddball but now live in an Atlanta suburb where I would have stuck out as a kid.
And now I have daughters who are showing that they clearly have my genes. We are just to the point of upper-lip waxing now, but I can tell that the rest is starting. Ugh.
In-House in Houston
No, it doesn’t hurt at all. It has varying levels of the laser, so you’re supposed to start at the lowest setting and then increase every 2 weeks. I’ve done this and it’s really worked. It’s a quick flash of the laser, then you move slightly and press the button again. I highly recommend watching the YouTube videos before you use it. For me, the hardest part mentally was shaving my face – I’ve always been told not to do that b/c it’ll grow back thicker (which I think is an old wives tale) but you have to shave so that the laser kills the exposed root. I have almost now upper lip hair at all!! It does get hotter with the upper levels, but it’s such a short flash so the heat isn’t long at all. I really recommend you try it. Costco takes back returns on anything, so if you’re not satisfied you can return it – even w/o the original packaging. If you have several daughters who could use it, give it a try!
FYI – This isn’t a members-only item, so you can buy it online without a membership for a 5% surcharge. Ships free.
Also another Costco rec- they have Max & Mia travel cardigans for $24 at mine, in warehouse only. They’re a perfect dupe for the Barefoot Dreams circle caridgan.
I actually like mine more than my barefoot dreams one — in fact I’ve already bought two!
Did yours have black? Mine only had XL and XXL left in black. I grabbed one in Denim and am thinking about the pinky-taupe one too.
Yep I bought the taupe one and went back later for the black! The black is for my desk and taupe for jeans/around the house — aka a “wine sweater”
Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. I haven’t seen your prior posts on it. Tell me more! Pain level, speed, length of time…?
Would totally sign up for your newsletter :)
Note to anyone with darker skin (as in Middle Eastern tan and darker) do not use this skin system, it will burn you. Ladies with light skin and very light hair, this will not work on you. These systems are made to target dark hair on light backgrounds. That’s why you have to go to a laser hair studio that has a laser that costs thousands of dollars that is more sensitive to skin tone and the subtle color differences between dark skin and dark hair/light skin and light hair.
Yes, I’m going to a salon for laser hair treatment but I’m paper white with almost black hair. The laser targets dark pigment so be careful!
In-House in Houston
I’m also very pale with dark hair and it works great for me.
Does it work on large areas? Legs, armpits…
While I don’t have this exact one, I have a Philips one that sounds like it works similarly. I would say that it worked great for my happy trail where hair is finer, and there’s less of it. It hadn’t worked that well for my pits and didn’t work at all for my bikini area. Basically effectiveness goes down wherever there’s more hair or coarser hair. I also can’t stand the “one flash at a time” function. I would rather it be a continuous laser like at the doctor’s office.
Oooooh, a friend and I had thought about buying one together years ago. I would only worry that my hair is too gray.
Helene Birman? How does Helene Birman fit? Narrow shoulders like Theory or broader shoulders?
NY to DC unemployment?
My recent term-limited contract (UN) ended, and unfortunately the thing I was counting on in NY fell through at the last minute so now I’m unemployed. I’m considering relocating from NY to DC and have free housing (a room in my single sister’s house) in DC. But I like NY more as a city. I just got an offer for 80% of what I used to be making in NY, still in my field but a paycut and I couldn’t afford to live in the East village anymore and would probably need to move to sunset park or something. I wonder if I should take it or wait? Take it and continue to apply? What else should I be considering in this situation?
Your savings. Can you afford a period of unemployment? What are your other NYC prospects? What’s your lease situation currently?
It’s an initial offer for 80% where you already live. Ask what the range is in this position and if they have any flexibility and how you might be able to earn what you had been earning there — any other roles / responsibilities that would be a win-win? Obvs the dude reply would be to negotiate or at least ascertain if it is take it or leave it.
Moving itself can be quite expensive. In addition to the cost of the move itself, there’s the cost of setting up in a new place (renting storage or things like window coverings that tend to be space-specific). If your goal is to end up in NYC, I’d weigh the cost of moving twice (once to DC and then back to NYC) against the cost of staying put.
Your long-term career opportunities. Where is your field (or, if you’re looking for a change, the field you want to be in) located? Is there room for growth/advancement if you took the NYC job with a paycut now? If you moved to DC unemployed, what would your job prospects look like?
Thank you for the comments. I don’t think there is much flexibility in the salary offer but the job is with an organization that is very well known in my field, but the actual role is a step backwards for me in terms of job duties, the organization is notorious for not promoting, and I have double the amount of work experience than other people in this role at the org. I’ve been told other things I’ve applied for, in DC and NY, won’t be really processed until 2020, so my assumption is if I don’t take this I’m likely looking at March or April. I have about 5-6 months of savings, and if I were to go to DC I’m sure that’s a fair estimate because I would have free housing with my sister. I put my things in storage in NY because my lease ended right as my old contract ended, so I’m traveling right now while I apply around and consider. It’s just me, no kids and no loans/other regular debts other than food ($500/mo), storage ($50/mo), phone ($75), and transit ($100/mo). I don’t own a car (NYC).
I’d take the role and keep interviewing. A short 6 month stay on your resume is easily explained as – UN contract was ending, was a good role to stay in NY but ended up not being the right fit – you can blame no upward mobility based on current company structure or looking for more challenging work commensurate with your experience and that the role was more junior than expected upon working there.
Could you take this position and economize/hustle some side gigs/use your savings to make up for any gaps while you are waiting for other positions to come through?
Honestly, if you’re open to being in DC for a few years, move to DC. I wouldn’t do it intending to move back to NYC ASAP, but most things you were doing at the UN would have LOTS of good (if not better than NYC) opportunities, and the free housing seems attractive from this side of things.
I also think any gap on your resume can be explained by “Contract Ending, Wanted to Relocate”.
Looking for black booties
Can you help me shop? I am looking a black leather booties, very low heel (1 inch or less) or flat, with gold zipper(s). I work in a business casual environment and I am 39. I would like to wear those indoor, mostly at work, 2-3 days/week. My style is pretty much classic with a slight edge (I shop mostly at Aritzia, Club Monaco, Massimo Dutti and BR).
My price range is up to 350$. Thank you!
I like Blondo and Rockport for booties, but I don’t know if they have gold zippers necessarily. I think your best bet would be to check Zappos.
Looking for black booties
Thank you – I did look on Zappos but I found nothing that I liked. I will check Blondo as I like this brand.
The Cole Haan Saylor has a gold zipper but it might be higher than what you’re looking for. Also check out the Taryn Rose Sara side-zip bootie.
I want these so badly, but so far haven’t talked myself into spending the money on them: https://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/cavenham-ankle-boots-black/sty-a0497-blk?cat=C1_S2_G11
Looking for black booties
Thank you for the suggestion: those are very nice.
If you can go higher with your budget check out the Sarah Flint perfect bootie in the lower heel. I think it might be exactly what you’re looking for.
Looking for black booties
Wow, those are gorgeous shoes. The booties is pretty much what I am looking for except for the 690$ price tag. I will see if there is some sale during black Friday and I will buy them as a early Christmas gift. Thank you!
I bought something like this at ASOS two or three years ago and they’re still great for my purposes. They were only like $70, though, so they might not be nice enough for what you’re looking for.
Looking for black booties
Thank you for this suggestion!
These are on the casual side, but I like them enough to own two pairs (a taupe pair from a couple years back and a black pair, which I just bought). I get so many compliments on them.
Looking to feel a bit more polished as I approach a Medium Sized Birthday this week. I’ve never had anything waxed ever, but this is something I think would help me feel more crisp.
Brows: I’ve always plucked but I’ve decoded it’s time to get some professional shaping done. I have a recommendation from a friend on a place and exact person to see, so that part is covered. But, what can I expect- what do I say so I don’t end up eyebrow less? How frequently do you go in for maintenance? Anything else this newbie needs to consider?
Arms: What do people do? I’ve never really paid attention but I do have medium brown hair and a fair amount of it on my arms.
Anything else I should consider? I have PCOS and lots of pesky thick hairs, particularly at my neck and chin. I pluck those but figured they’re better suited for laser treatment. I’m all ears if there is a different rec out there… TIA!
Never too many shoes...
I have PCOS as well, so I feel you, friend. I had my entire body lasered (started with arms and face) and it was the best thing that I ever did for my self-esteem.
Not OP but I have wiry light colored hairs on my face. It’s hard to find all of them to pluck but I understand laser won’t work for light colored hairs – correct? They are either blond or white. Very light colored. My skin is also light.
Electrolysis is your new BFF.
just shave the light hairs on your face! Seriously! It’s pain free, basically irritation free, super cheap, and doesn’t seem to grow back thicker.
I am a devotee of laser for my legs, but just shave my mini stache.
For eyebrows, I strongly prefer threading to waxing. Waxing can be super irritating for the skin, especially if it’s your first time.
For shaping, it’s best to start from a natural brow. Have you allowed your plucked brows to grow in at all? If not, there isn’t much anyone can do so I’d hold off for a few weeks. You can just tell them what you want shape-wise. Also, thicker/more natural brows are in.
Once you’re happy with the shape, I go every ~3 weeks for maintenance.
Fair warning, I don’t care what anyone says, threading was by far my most painful hair removal experience. Your brows will look amazing no doubt, but I highly recommend taking a tylenol and/or putting on a topical numbing cream first.
If you use retinoic acid or a retinol, be careful with threading. They ripped patches of skin off my upper lip and one of my brows. This is a known issue (wish I’d known, though). You can look it up.
I get my brows waxed often with no / minimal pain. The couple times I have tried threading have been horrible.
Alanna of Trebond
I think it depends on what one is used to…so if you are used to waxing that may be less painful. But threading is pretty painless (eyebrows, NOT upper lip which I cannot deal with).
I thread my upper lip by myself at home and I’m a giant wuss, so I guess this really is just a trial by fire thing.
Alanna of Trebond
I think it is because I never do it, lol.
+1 for threading, I’m pretty low-maintenance overall but this is one thing that’s easy and I keep up with every 3-4 weeks. I don’t find it very painful – more so if it’s been a while, I guess, but not something that I have to think about or psych myself up for! Plus the speed and the drop-in nature are easy.
As for what to ask for, just let your brows grow out a bit and then ask for “a clean up” the first time. In keeping with current trends they never remove too much from me. If you want them reshaped, go in with a picture, or use the chart that is hanging on the wall in many threading shops.
for the PCOS hair – also PCOS and Laser did nothing for me, I have been told that electroylasis is the gold standard there so saving up to try that. I was super annoyed to make it to all 8 sessions and have it do literally nothing, so allow me to save you that time.
Eyebrows – I go about every 5 weeks? I also get mine dyed, as it saves me a step in the AM. Just explain that you like fuller brows, and really you just want help with shaping.
And while I’m here, my arms are one area I have never been willing to tackle but my arms aren’t super hairy. I do know people who have had great success with laser on their forearms.
Anyone have a rec for where to do electrolysis in NoVa? I have both very dark hairs on my chin and now some are coming in white/gray, so I think I’m beyond what laser can do.
Not my area, but I find the RealSelf reviews invaluable for this sort of thing.
Skin care solutions in Springfield
For the eyebrows – what kind of look are you after? I’d find some photos and use those as reference for your stylist. I don’t get my brows waxed but my wife does every six weeks when she gets her haircut – her stylist does both.
For arms – I don’t do anything. I have lots of reddish hair which I understand doesn’t take laser well. If you have dark hair, I think laser would be effective.
I have been having my eyebrows waxed for years. I had one really bad experience at a hair salon/spa where the woman ripped out a chunk of my eyebrow hair right in the middle. After that, I sought out an esthetician who specializes in waxing. She is amazing and does a half wax, half threading on my brows. Moral of the story: don’t go to the cheapest place you can find when it comes to hot wax on your face.
Has anyone tried washing the J Crew going out blazer? I’m interested, but would love to know if I can avoid dry cleaning it.
I have washed mine (have the black and grey) plenty of times. I suggest using the shortest cycle with a double rinse, gentlest, with very gentle detergent. squeeze in a towel and lay flat to dry. comes out fine. you could also try dryel.
I have not done the blazer, but I have done the pants — hand wash cycle in the washing machine, delicates detergent, line dry. It’s been fine. If the blazer doesn’t have a lining (I can’t remember), I would not hesitate.
Those of you who use the Phillips light alarm clocks or similar, do you find the light wakes up the person on the other side of the bed? (Guessing that partly depends on the type of sleeper that person is.) I can’t for the life of me get myself up and out of bed in the winter, even if I’ve gotten more than enough sleep and I hear great things about those light alarm clocks.
To tag onto this question…are there any of those lights where you can turn off the digital time display? So basically, it’s totally dark until the light comes on? I think from everything I’ve seen, the Philips ones have an always on time, which seems to kind of defeat the purpose of having a good nights sleep in a dark bedroom and waking up to light!
The Philips ones have a light dimmer with different levels. I keep mine set to the dimmest, which you can’t see unless it’s turned directly at your face (there is no “red glow” IME). I just turn the face slightly away from me as I sleep so the numbers aren’t visible.
I have a Lumie, and I love it. The digital display is off as long as the alarm is set. So, this means that even on intentional sleep in “no alarm” days I have to set the alarm to turn off the digital display. I just set it for way later. It’s a totally fine compromise for an excellent alarm clock. Has changed my life and my mornings, truly.
The light is on my husband’s side of the bed, and it works for me still but not as well, partially because I’m a heavy sleeper and also I naturally sleep facing away from where the light is. He has to wake up earlier than me anyway so I wake up because I hear him, but it really does make a difference in the winter
Yes. I asked my husband to stop using it. Was incredibly annoying, and particularly so because he’s a snoozer and evidently lights being on wasn’t enough to get him out of bed.
I’m super sensitive to light, and so the Phillips alarm clock works great for me — I set it with a 20-minute slow brightening, and typically I wake up about 5-10 minutes before the alarm actually goes off. I have the clock set on the floor at the foot of my bed, on my side, so that it shines on my face but not directly at my partner. She seems to sleep through it pretty well — I think if I had it set on a nightstand at face level it would be much more obtrusive for her.
I use the brightest setting on my Phillips and it’s really bright. Luckily my husband wakes up nearly the same time as I do. For what it’s worth, if I’m traveling or sleeping in on a given work day, my husband now misses the light :)
There are settings though, so if the Phillips – user is not a super heavy sleeper (as I am), a dimmer max setting would be much less disruptive to the rest of the room.
I love this jacket. I love the classic style, the color, everything. Except the price!
It’s really beautiful.
You might like the Going Out Blazer in the new shadow houndstooth.
How do Uniqlo Heat Tech tees fit on a tall person?
I have some longsleeve tees from Uniqlo that I bought in years past, and the sleeves end about 4 inches above my wrist. Are the heat tech sleeves longer? Or, is the material super stretchy such that I’ll be able to pull it down to my wrist and it would stay there? Thanks for any insight!
How tall are you? I don’t think they’ll really be long enough to do what you’re looking for either way. I’m 5’7″ so maybe on the very bottom edge of possibly being considered “tall”, and the tees’ sleeves come down right to my wrist (I wear an L size). I highly recommend the tees though for warmth!
I’m 5’10”… thanks for your input!
I’m short but even on me the sleeves on the heat tech tops seem fairly short. They’re so stretchy that I imagine they would sort of ping back if you tried to pull them down – that’s certainly what happens when I try and pull down the bottom of the top.
I’m 5’8 and find the sleeves on the heattech shirts to be quite short. They’re several inches above my wrists which I actually prefer because I know that way they’ll stay hidden under whatever I am wearing on top. The material is super stretchy but I wouldn’t trust them to stay in place.
I bought a small long sleeve heat tech tee last week and the sleeves are the same length as all my other size small sweaters, shirts, and blouses. If you have long arms, I think you’re going to be disappointed. You definitely won’t be able to pull them down and expect them to stay.
Tips for dealing with a mansplaining senior associate?
I am a 4th year and work regularly with a male associate (6th year) on deals for multiple clients. Recently he has taken to overly praising me in private but also acting super weird like complaining to me that I’m getting too smart for him to work with. He mentioned a few times in passing to partners that he thinks he will be replaced by me in a few years because already my judgement is better than him, in a very self-deprecating joke kind of way, but no one refutes him except me and it’s super uncomfortable. I think it was meant to be a joke and a praise at the same time, but it also feels like he’s getting super insecure about his role.
In meetings (and in private dinners with more senior people), he mansplains a LOT and engages in annoying behavior such as cutting my sentences short mid-sentence and jumping in with his own conclusion, or putting my ideas down in front of other partners. Then saying in a very complaining tone that I was right, again, and I should just do everything because I’m so smart. Of course I never said or hinted any of this, but I think his anxiety or insecurity is spilling over to my career.
I’ve confronted him privately and in meetings a few times about this and at times have just resorted to talking over him when he talks over me, but it irritates me and I think it’s becoming apparent that I’m losing my cool. And because I’m a woman and he’s a man, of course it looks like it must be because _I_ can’t leave emotions at the door! He also tends to be irritable in a grating way, but wants to be known as the nice guy. I still need to work for him because people in that level has assigning authority in my firm and for some reason he has access to some of the best partners that I loved working with.
Do I just suck it up? Any tips for making it better or dealing with this? I don’t necessarily want to make partner but working for these partners have made my miserable existence so much more bearable at this firm, since they are super smart and on top of things and actually care about their associates. I’ve started working directly with those partners on some cases which make it better in terms of work (but which makes the mansplainer anxious I guess). I’ve also lost a few cases recently because he purportedly didn’t want to work with me since my judgment is right too many times (his words to me, literally).
This guys seems to have some weird emotional self-esteem issues going on that seem to be rubbing up on you in particular. Tbh, I don’t know if there is anything affirmative to do other than make sure your voice is heard when he tries to interrupt you – literally interrupt him, talk over him, acknowledge that he agrees with what you were saying.
On the other points, he actually is giving you credit and praise, stop discounting yourself and denying that in front of other people. Looking at it glass half full, some people are uncomfortable with praise and presenting it in a self-deprecating manner is their manner of doing it. Just do a light chuckle, maybe give a “oh X, you’re so kind” in a light hearted way and move on. Looking at it glass half empty, he’s enjoying making you deny your own greatness under the guise of humility.
You’re at a point (4th yr and 6 yr) where you will soon be a midlevel and operating at his level and possibly in his place – he’s getting nervous. Your best course of action is to keep getting closer relationships with the partners you like so next year they’ll start sourcing work directly to you.
He’s threatened by you and competing with you. I’ve been there and this is super awkward. I tried to continue to be friendly as we had to work together. As soon as we were going separate ways to work independently, I reduced my contact and communication significantly. He got the message and leaves me alone. I know….you’ll think there is a risk in alienating this person, but in my case, I am smarter and my judgment is better so I want my brand to shine away from this colleague. It was the right decision for me.
Do not let his insecurity and anxiety spill over into your career – please take necessary steps to get some distance and set boundaries.
You’re getting to work directly with the partners sometimes, so continue to capitalize on that. When you have to work with this associate, suggest dividing responsibilities instead of him overseeing you – pitch it like you’re being a team player and taking things off his plate. He clearly trusts your judgment – use that to your advantage. “Hey, let’s be the team that kicks a s s and gets sh i t done, what can we divide and conquer here?” Of course this works a lot better if he’s busy than if he’s scrounging for work. If work is hard to come by, then focus your efforts on getting work directly from the partners.
Is there a way to set up a website (or, even better, an Instagram or other low-maintenance platform) of affiliate links so I can get some sort of credit when I refer a friend to an item? I am not a blogger and do not want to make this into A Thing…. But lately I have had several friends compliment something I am wearing, I tell them where I got it (often Amazon, sometimes Target, sometimes Old Navy, etc), and they say they’d like one too and can I send them the link. I send them the link and they buy it. This happens a couple times a month.
I am wondering if I can create a place to link my recent purchases where I can then get some benefit for the referral. For bloggers, I know this translates to affiliate links where they make their living by us clicking on and purchasing through their link. But in the absence of a blog, is there a way for me to create a more static home for these links? Not at all trying to start some sort of online fashion empire… just wondering if there’s a semi-convenient way to compile the links that I’m already sending to my friends. Thanks for any input!
I have seen people on IG use something called Like It to know it – but I don’t know if that’s the exact name. I’ve never used it myself. But if you’re not a blogger, I’m not sure how much credit or commission you could really get from something like this.
Yeah, I’m guessing this business model depends on volume.
can you do this via pinterest? Pin a few outfits and have affiliate links to where to buy. Combine stuff you already have with new items that you haven’t purchased yet.
I know RStyle and LikeToKnowIt and all those things have an application process where you have to show them you have a substantial following. I think companies deliberately want to avoid payouts in the situation you describe, because they know you will tell your friend where you got the item even without any commission, so they have nothing to gain by paying you for it.
I’d be a little weirded out if my friend was trying to make money off my compliments of her style.
I suspect Amazon is pretty easy to set up a referral page based on the fact that some no-name bloggers have accounts with them. But if I found out you went to all that trouble to earn 5 cents from the top I complimented (plus I suppose other Amazon purchases due to the cookie effect), I would think you were being pretty odd.
To be clear, it’s the fact that the OP specifically asked for affiliate links that I think is weird. For just collecting links in one place, maybe keep a Google Doc of recent purchases? Would be easy to keep current if you just paste in each item’s link as you shop.
A Google doc might be the best approach– thank you. I used the term affiliate links because that’s the only way I’ve seen it done. I of course understand it wouldn’t make any significant amount of money, because I am not a blogger (as I pointed out a few times!); it’s just that’s the only model I’ve seen used to share products. I do think it would be nice for there to exist some kind of referral credit (like how we are always handing out Rothy’s codes around here), but I have not heard of such a thing for larger retailers.
Then you don’t have to be my friend :) This was actually suggested to me by one of the girls who frequently buys things I wear. It’s not so much about the 5 cents, it’s about having a central place to have the links. We discussed setting it up where we can all link our favorite items in the same place. It’s ok for people to be different than you or to do different things– you don’t have to call them odd. Different strokes for different folks!
Ha, if I’m gonna buy a top from Amazon that my stylish friend recommended and vetted, I’d *gladly* click a link so she got 5 cents off it! It’s not making it more expensive for me, is it? Scam the scammers 4ever!
Yeah, wow. This is beyond petty. Just know that you’re going to make literal dollars (like one or two dollars) doing this, so ask yourself if jeopardizing your friendships is worth maybe $10 per month.
Yes. This is weird.
I couldn’t care less if a friend of mine got a commission off of me copying her outfit? Who in the world would care about that? I would just be glad my friend didn’t mind me being a copycat.
I think that would be a little weird because it turns a friendship favor into a transactional thing, even if minor. Having an organized way to share links is cool, but monetizing it? Eh. Might not bug you but hopefully you can appreciate why others could feel differently.
No, sorry I really can’t even imagine caring and can’t imagine being friends or associating with anyone who does care. Seems super petty.
It would be different if she was trying to sell me something. But benefiting from something I plan to buy anyway? Go for it.
Actually- I’ll even add this: I would probably even pay a friend directly to shop for me!
I don’t get the weird vitriol here… there are several women in my office that I’d personally love it if they set up links to their clothes. People here are so quick to snap. If you don’t have a constructive response, sometimes it’s nice to just be quiet.
Okay, I’m the person who commented first on this and there was absolutely no vitriol. Calm down. I just said it would be a little weird. You are the one being quick to snap here.
“Yeah, wow. This is beyond petty.” That’s the vitriol. Coupled with the comment of whether it’s “worth your jeapordizing your friendships.” If you didn’t post those, then the comment may not have been directed at you. But there’s definitely vitriol here.
I think this conversation (and a lot of the conversations about how people make money blogging) are tainted by a common misconception: the truth is, affiliate linked items don’t cost more because someone makes a commission on them. I could go on Nordstrom and buy a dress for $148, but if a friend told me about it, why shouldn’t she benefit a tiny amount from a system where I could click a different link to pay the same $148 for the same garment? No one is twisting my arm to buy the dress, and if I can find it cheaper elsewhere, that’s my prerogative. The truth is, if an influencer isn’t selling the item, some form of advertising is, which might be much more expensive than a 4-6% commission. Yes, OP would be making dollars. Maybe tens of dollars. But this really isn’t that off-base. I have an issue when someone pushes me to buy something I don’t want or don’t need. I have an issue if someone accepts a free vacation and urges me to go to the same hotel/restaurant but doesn’t disclose that it was comped for them. But I’d love for more people to use the system to benefit in a situation where I want to recognize them for a good referral. I recently signed up for imperfect produce because I had been curious about it and saw a friend was using it, and I made sure to ask for her link so she’d get credit for it. I also got $10 towards my order, which was great. I then told a few of a my friends who’d also expressed interest, and they asked for my link. I think I’ve benefitted by $30 on something I was willing to put my own money towards? Awesome, I can now go buy 2/3 of a pedicure.
What makes a sweater too casual for the office? Are dolman sleeves ok? What about other slouchy or relaxed styles?
My biglaw office is business casual; someone here mentioned recently that business casual used to look like you left your suit jacket at your desk, but it seems to have relaxed a bit in recent years. I’ve seen flowy or loose tops in the office and I’m wondering if that will translate into flowy or relaxes sweaters too? Help me keep up with the times!
Depends on the fabric. If it otherwise looks like a sweatshirt a gym teacher would wear, leave it for outside the office. If it’s a more luxe fabric, it might work. Also depends on what you’re wearing it with.
I think slouchy sweaters can definitely be business casual with a couple caveats. First, longer sweaters with patch pockets in the front read very casual to me. Second, anything hooded is also very casual.
I think the fineness of the knit gauge plays a role. Large, coarse knits seem more casual than tightly woven sweaters.
Gift recs for three month old please and TIA. Looking for something he wont grow out of in a minute.
7am enfant stroller blanket
Board books (or thick flash cards) with realistic pictures of people, animals, and objects. Realistic images are very engaging to babies and toddlers and the books can be used to teach vocabulary.
A collection of balls, especially lightweight but not plush ones that can be used for chewing on, rolling, playing catch, etc.
Play silks (you can find them on amazon). Babies like to explore and shake them or play peek a boo with them; toddlers and older children will use them for dress up, fort building, and as the base for imaginary play (blue ones become water, white ones become snow, etc. for building blocks and small toys).
Board books. Three months is such a temporary developmental phase, so he will grow out of most clothes and toys pretty quickly. You could buy a toy geared for a 6-12 month old that will get more future use. I like the Lewo Wooden Rainbow Stacker Game, wooden alphabet blocks in a pull wagon, Hape wooden cars, Stack Up Cups (ours are by The First Years– this is a little cheapie gift that I would pair with some board books or another toy), Top Bright Wooden Race Track Ramp (really more for a one year old but so cute!). All of these are on amazon.
Linking rings. Incredibly popular with the under 8 month set. I understand you want to get something that will last but it’s tough at this age. They’re so young and growing both physically and mentally so fast that pretty much everything is transitory. I seem to remember that DS didn’t show any interest in toys until he was ~4 months old though. If they live in a place with winter you could ask if they need any winter gear.
How much do you want to spend? Where do they live? Some cities have KidPass where you could pay for the to attend some fun classes.
Jellycat silly tails book is a great toy
Oli and Carol chew bracelets
HEVEA Natural Rubber Duck for the bath is a gift that will be used for a long time
Kleynimals Toy Keys are crazy expensive but such a great gift that will be used for a long time.
If they don’t have a travel white noise machine thats great
inglesina high chair – won’t be used til 6 months plus but then will be used for a long time. This is a travel high chair and amazing.
– Pottery Barn Kids – Sherpa Baby Blanket
– Board books
– Any toy, animal or rattle that makes noise/crinkles
– PJs/clothes for the next size up, or a gift cert for the parents to make the purchase
I think board books are your best bet! I have a 5-month old and our favorites are: Giraffes Can’t Dance; Pout Pout Fish (only the original); Little Blue Truck (and any derivative); and Room on the Broom.
A tag blanket!
Question re the beloved Revlon one step dryer.
I have long, wavy hair that can be quite coarse (it looks great when I get a blowout but I have a hard time replicating the results at home). I tried it for the first time on the weekend and it’s okay but I had a hard time at the roots so it’s a bit poufy. Any suggestions on how to get it directly on the roots and/or other usage tips?
I have similar hair. I have much better success when I make sure my hair is getting fully dry – I can’t half-heartedly dry it and get good results. I also typically finish by touching up any goofy roots with a straightener.
I also find using a blow dry smoothing serum/cream/spray helps a ton. I’ve just been using the Not Your Mother’s version so it doesn’t have to be super expensive to make an impact.
I bought the Revlon dryer after recs here, and I love it — and my hair is similar to yours but probably curlier. The key for me is breaking my hair up into verrry small pieces so it can fully dry and curl around the barrel. I use little clips to section off my hair which seems to work pretty well.
I use little clips too. I divide into sections and pull straight up at the roots, and wind it all the way down. A little Moroccanoil helps keep it smooth.
i tried it and had a great result initially however my hair is very fine and I started to notice over time that it was burning through it and my hair started to look fuzzy like a baby chick.
Similar hair to yours, and the key to me was getting the Revlon dryer that is a paddle brush, not a round brush. With the round brush, I could never get all the way to the roots. With the paddle brush version, I’m able to get straight, totally dry hair. Also, sectioning. Taking the time to section my hair helps me actually get it dry all the way throught.
How is the quality of the clothing at Ann Taylor these days? I have heard that Loft has tanked even more, and as a petite who has gained weight, I am struggling to find new clothing that won’t make me look like a homeless person. Even the thrifting sites seem picked over in my size now. I’d really like some longer cardigans that would cover my rear (due to the current style of professional pant being “painted on”), but I don’t know where to look.
Loft has great plus sized options!
As a fellow petite woman who has gained weight, I urge you to stay away from two things: painted-on professional pants and long cardigans. That combo screams frump and just kills my confidence as I’m constantly adjusting the cardigan. Try professional bootcut pants or similar that fit properly in the rear and wear a more tailored cardigan on top. I look so much better doing that than doing the drapey cardigan thing.
I’m not talking about ponte pant painted on, I’m talking about slim…and when I say “gained weight” I mean I am 5’1″ and weigh 116 (in the morning, soaking wet). Does that make a difference? I am still wondering if bootcut pants scream “I’m trying to go back to 2008 when I was still in my 20s”.
OK, now I’m annoyed I even responded to you because clearly we’re not talking about the same kinds of issues. If you have a low-end normal BMI, then you’re not in a place where it’s a struggle to find clothes that fit and look good. Best of luck to you.
yeah what an odd response from OP… “no no, I don’t mean I’m FAT, don’t lump me in THAT category!”
Ha! Perfect response
Don’t assume that just because I weigh less than you that I don’t have issues or that my body is wearing this well. It doesn’t seem to matter what size or style of pant I try, they all seem painted on in the rear/upper thighs. Perhaps the solution for me would be exercise or hormone management, but in the meantime…
Okay OP– I am 5’2″ and my highest weight was 115. I normally hovered between 106-109, but obviously would go up/down several pounds in a day. I was making some bad food choices and was stressed, and, critically, not exercising. I didn’t feel great about myself or my body and I carry weight on my lower belly, butt, and thighs. So even though I’m a size 0, whatever that means in a land where we have size 000s, I had (still sometimes have) painted-on pants from the mid-thigh up. I have no clue why you think you look or risk looking like homeless person, but I am going to charitably assume that you don’t feel good in your current clothing. Moving on, I get where you’re coming from and know the exact struggle with being petite and short and yet still struggling to fit into your tiny clothes or feeling like you don’t look good. The issue is that your clothes don’t fit you well, and yes, it is possible to have that problem even when to the rest of the world you are thin. The solution is to go shopping, in person, and really focus on searching for items that fit you better– there’s not one particular brand or type or cut that’s going to do it for you or not. And also exercise/cut out foods that are making you bloat or gain weight. Cardigans that come down over your butt are just going to emphasize it– trust me.
Girl come on. You can buy clothes in any store without looking homeless.
This has to be one of the most obnoxious comments I’ve seen on here. Why on earth would you mention weight as a factor in finding the right clothes, and then rush to point out that you’re thin? Girl, please.
There are non-obnoxious ways to phrase the original question (which was actually several different questions in one, combined with a decidedly offensive view of the homeless, followed up with a completely different question). Here, rewrote for OP: “I recently put on 10 pounds and my pants no longer fit right for my new shape. I’m 5’1 and 10 pounds is a fair percentage of my original weight. So I need some new pants. 1. How is the quality at Ann Taylor these days? 2. I also need some longer cardigans to cover my behind which I am newly self-conscious about – recommendations please. 3. Bootcut pants are another option. I keep seeing them in stores, but do they look outdated to you?”
Especially when she thinks she looks “homeless”
I thought her comment on my style choice was harsh, and I was wondering if I was only chunky if that still was a frumpy look. Then, everyone got all upset like I was fat shaming. I thought she could take the comment due to her level of snark about my lack of fashion sense.
The homeless comment came from the fact that a lot of clothing now is pilly and wrinkly upon wearing it for an hour or so. Why the f is everyone so touchy and drawing all of these false conclusions about people judging their personal appearance? There are no profile pics here.
Also, in reading the reviews for a lot of the petite clothing, it seems like many of the women are about 20 lbs less than me, which is where I once was last time I bought a lot of office type clothes. For my size and frame, I feel a bit on the heavier side. Plus, my butt is getting flat and dumpy as my near 40 progesterone levels are tanking…We all have our own issues…
OP, just go away. You’re a wreck today.
Online bullying for middle aged, paranoid, mentally ill overweight women…”Your’re a wreck OP for complaining about clothing not fitting because you are 1/3 my size! Stop shaming me!!!!”
Boot cut or flared pants are on their way back in. Check out the JCrew Frankie as an example (it’s backordered for a month and a half, that’s how popular it is).
I wear plus-size petite. I’ve had good luck at Talbots and OK luck with Eloquii.
i have been pleasantly surprised by AT recently. I have also sworn off Loft altogether. I dislike most of the prints and colors that AT uses (and feel they look cheap), but for neutrals, I have been able to find a few tops, sweaters and skirts that work for me. I assume you read the discussion last week around quality–it has gone down across the board, so thinks are not what they used to be, but I have been fairly pleased with how the limited number of newer pieces that i have from AT have held up.
Figure out what your most flattering cuts lengths are and then back into what you buy from there. For me, jackets and sweaters look if they hit above or at my hipbone, right at the bottom of my b*tt where it tapers, or at duster length; the spaces in between are just “no-go” zones. Longer jackets and sweaters work out better if they nip in at my waist and that often requires tailoring, so I will not buy if the fit is not good.
Keep in mind the effect of sleeve length and cut and pockets, etc. Sleeves that have to be cuffed are not as flattering on petites as on taller people, so try to avoid them; bracelet length looks better when possible. Same goes for patch pockets; they up the “frump” factor by drawing the eye down to the hip. Avoid pockets above the waist at all costs (with rare the exception of a slash breast pocket); they usually involve too much detail for a petite figure.
Last, think about balance. I agree with the poster who said that tailored bootcuts with a trim sweater look good; the alternative is skinnier pants with a longer sweater, but you may need to get the pants tailored (including tapered) to get a really good fit. I like the Tahari Marcias for this purpose even though I have to get them hemmed; something about the side zip cut results in pants that fit a petite nicely because they do not have too much volume through the legs, but YMMV.
I try to be ruthless in my shopping (as in I do not buy items that are the wrong length anymore) and plan to tailor and I am happier overall with the results.
I’m a second year associate in biglaw and I’m not going to hit my billable target for this year. It’s not for lack of trying – I had an extremely quiet summer where there just wasn’t enough work, and the surrounding months weren’t big enough to make up for it. I’ve (reluctantly) resigned myself to the consequences to my bonus eligibility, but am very anxious about my review and what to say when it is brought up, especially because I lateraled to this firm just over a year ago and was hoping to hit target at least my first year here. I’m way over my non-billable target, as I filled the extra time with writing papers and business development – will this soften the blow of not hitting billable target? Is it really rare for an associate to not his target, or is this less of a big deal than I am making it in my head?
I would be armed with evidence of how you attempted to get more work from other partners and departments.
Because it’s the end of your first year (typically it takes a bit to get staffed up) it’s not the end of the world. Are other associates in your area similarly slow? Have you been openly, actively seeking more work, like 1x a week or so reminding the partners in your area that you are slow?
If your practice group was slow for a season, the partners know it. It’s not your fault. I don’t think it’s worth worrying over, particularly if you were doing all you could to request work and do something valuable to the firm during the time work was slow. Depending on the firm and the hours target, plenty of people don’t make their hours and stay employed.
Stealth layoffs are not unheard of when a firm isn’t doing well, but I don’t think it’s worth worrying about because you have no control over them.
I think even if your practice group or firm knows how slow they are, associates take the brunt of the consequences there. So I would go in ready for a fight, all the evidence about how you looked for assignments and didn’t get them. If you don’t use it, fine.
Lots to Learn
As others have said, in your first year, you’re generally given a pass for the ramp-up time. But it depends on the firm. I don’t think you go in “ready for a fight” but I would be prepared to explain in a non-apologetic, non-confrontational manner why you didn’t hit the target and what you were doing to try to get work.
I was supposed to get together with an old friend this weekend. We grew up together and are very close.
She texted me a few weeks ago that she’d be in town (a little over an hour from me) for a college reunion on Saturday and asked if I was free to spend Sunday with her before she flew out. I was petty excited about it, planned my weekend around it (moved hair appointments, made sure my husband didn’t make plans so he could spend the day with the kids, etc).
Saturday I texted her a couple of times asking when and where she wanted to meet and she never answered. I told my husband she wasn’t answering me and he thought maybe she was backing out because she had met up with old college friends she wanted to spend Sunday with them instead. That stung, but I didn’t think she’d do that to me.
Well, she did. I got up early Sunday and got ready, still didn’t know the plans. Texted her again (this time a gif just to keep it light), didn’t hear from her till noon and she said that she was going to brunch with some college friends and I was welcome to join them.
Maybe I’m being petty because she never specifically said “would you like to hang out with me one on one Sunday” but I really didn’t want to drive an hour to hang out with a group of people I don’t know and be kind of the third wheel. I tried to be gracious and just say “it doesn’t sound like you have time today, I will see you next time” but then she started getting really irritated, being snarky, and l finally texted her that I didn’t know her friends and I would rather hang out with her one on one.
She hasn’t answered a text since then. We usually text several times a day and call each other frequently as well.
What would you do?
I used to be friends with this person. She did this to me one weekend… and now we’re not friends anymore. The fact is, she’s not your friend or she wouldn’t do this. So you may as well drop your half of the friendship– she has already dropped hers. Life’s too short for crappy friends. You don’t have to have a confrontation or anything. I just never spoke to mine again. Frankly I don’t know if she even noticed. But, I don’t care and she’s not my problem anymore. That’s what I’d do in your shoes– I’d just never initiate contact again, and if she reaches out I’d ignore her.
I had this happen too. It hurts, but this is exactly what I did. I rented a hotel room, took a half a day of vacation and drove 3 hours…only for my friend to cancel an hour before dinner because she decided to hang out with her boyfriend. Only hours before, she had been texting me to tell me how I excited she was. I dropped her and have never looked back. She’s reached out to me several times (once when it turns out her boyfriend was actually married) and I don’t respond. It takes a long time to get me there, but once I’m done…I’m done.
I wouldn’t do anything. She was rude and didn’t prioritize you. I’d wait and see what she does.
If she has never flaked like this before, I would have given her the benefit of the doubt. Texting “it doesn’t sound like you have time today” is not really being gracious. OTOH, if you are really very close friends, I’m surprised she’s ignoring your texts now.
If she’s more generally a flaky person, I’m surprised you rearranged your schedule around her.
The whole thing is a bit weird for people who are ostensibly very close friends.
Genuinely curious, why do you think my text wasn’t gracious. Short of actually meeting up with her and her college friends, which I wasn’t willing to do, what could I have said that was more gracious? I really tried to come up with something that wasn’t snarky and wouldn’t start a fight.
You’re putting it on her that she doesn’t have time for you, when in fact she did, just not one-on-one. Certainly there’s room for interpretation, and if you truly meant it graciously, she’s the one in the wrong.
Did she know you canceled appointments and got your husband to keep his calendar open? Maybe she just didn’t realize what a big deal it was to you to meet up without others present.
At this point I feel humiliated enough that it would pain me further to tell her what a big deal it was to me. I did text her things like “I’m so excited! What do you want to do?” But I never told her the steps I had taken to free the day up.
It was just fine. People are hypercritical on this board.
Yes, people like this take you for granted, even tho you rearranged your schedule and got your husband to go along. I would wait for her to apologise, but if she doesn’t, Dad says she can go F herself! And I agree! Who needs a freind who would stand up up and treat you like Chop Liver? Mom agrees that I don’t and neither should you. She can hang with those freinds, not you! You at least are married and have a husband to hang with. She does not! FOOEY on her!
I’m sorry this happened to you. I would be really hurt if I were in your shoes. I’m afraid to say that I think your friendship may have passed – while you think you are close, maybe she doesn’t feel the same.
What is your relationship like in general – do you text or phone call or facetime often?
Usually several times a day. I also flew to her city to see her over the summer.
Yes, she was rude to you and you are absolutely justified in being hurt by it. But, I will say, I have a lot of experience in trying to fit in all the different friends I want to see when I travel to a place I used to live. It took me a while to learn that I can’t do it and if I try to, I’ll be unhappy and so will my friends. It sounds like that’s what she was trying to do here, although she should definitely be apologizing to you, not giving you the cold shoulder.
Yeah, I would second this. I’ve moved around a lot, and it’s taken quite a few visits to really get a good sense of how much I can do in a weekend. She should 100% be apologizing to you, but I can also understand how she was frustrated – she was probably trying to maximize the number of people she could see and saw merging the two groups as an easy way to do that. Not saying it was right (at the very least, she should have communicated better), but I can see how it happened.
I would let it settle for a week or two, see if she reaches out, and if not, decide if you’re willing to be the one who reaches out first. How important is the friendship to you? How close are you guys (and REALLY look at this question, not just what you would think – would she say the same)?
I agree with this, too. Her ultimate response is terrible, but I have had to do this with friends where I try to plan too many things and the timing doesn’t work out. I’m better about not overbooking now, but then I’m not able to see certain friends when I am in their city (which can cause other conflict).
Go for it
Ouch, that’s sounds like a sting. People are where they want to be….and it is painful to take that truth in.
I wouldn’t do anything right now, she’s told you who she is unfortunately. Go on and live your life with people who love and want to be with you. Hugs.
I would have cancelled earlier. Unless we have confirmed plans I can’t make time for you.
I wouldn’t let this ruin your friendship. It sounds like she over-promised for the weekend. She was traveling to the city expressly for a college reunion; she should have assumed that she would want to meet up with college friends again on Sunday instead of pivoting to a different type of friendship/relationship. No doubt she screwed up – she shouldn’t have said she’d hang out with you, and you were absolutely justified in saying you didn’t want to spend time with her and her friends. But, it is just a mistake! I would text her and say, “Let me know when you have time to chat. It’s a bummer that we weren’t able to spend time together last weekend, but I want to hear all about your reunion! Also, let’s see if we can find a time to get together in the next few months.”
When you talk to her, tell her that you were frustrated that you were left hanging and give her an opportunity to apologize.
Again – this is what I would do, so take it or leave it! You know your relationship best.
She was likely super hung over on Sunday as well. Not saying this to excuse her sh!tty behavior but that’s probably where the snarkiness followed by lack of engagement came from.
LOL I thought the exact same thing!
I am sure you are right and I could have totally done that yesterday, but at this point with her giving me the silent treatment, I’m not feeling generous enough to do it.
I obviously don’t know her, so this could be a reach, but she might be giving you the silent treatment because she knows she screwed up and she’s afraid of confrontation. I’ve been in these situations before–on both sides. A lot of times, the best way to salvage it is to just decide that you’re going to forgive your friend and make an overture to salvage the friendship. Give it as much time as you need, and be wary in the future of investing too much time and emotion into this friend (i.e., forgive but don’t forget), but just ultimately decide to be the better person.
Also perfectly acceptable alternative – just go silent and wait for her to apologize.
I would be annoyed too. I think people make room in their lives for friends they can text/email, but there are very few friends who will make time to physically see other. She may fall into the former category, and that may be ok too, as long as you are ok with it.
She tried to do too much and she’s annoyed her trip didn’t work out the way she hoped. I’d let her cool down for a minute. It sounds like you both made assumptions and could’ve communicated better. For you – before you move heaven and earth to see someone, make solid plans. I’m like you; if I say I will see you Sunday morning then that’s a plan. But some people see that as… almost a social nicety? I’ve learned that it’s not a plan unless there’s a date, time, and place involved. Fwiw, I also struggle with, “We should grab a coffee sometime” – I see that as, we are going to get coffee, please contact me to find a time – not as, this is a slightly warmer version of bye see you later.
I’m OP and yes, that is definitely me!
(But in my defense, she checked in with me about being free Sunday before she finalized her flights, so I thought it was definite.)
Yeah, what your friend did sounds way more definite than a weak “we should hang out sometime” type of offer.
This is so gross. I am sorry it happened to you. No excuse for your friend treating you like that, IMO.
I had a good friend do that to me one time – “hey, I’m coming into town, let’s meet up” and then “oh sorry, I am having a good time with friends that are more fun than you so nevermind” after I had rearranged the weekend to spend time with him. I took a break from being in contact with him (wouldn’t text back when he texted) for awhile – not to punish him, but just because I needed some space. The next time he texted that he was coming into town, I texted back “great, I may have time Sunday, check with me then.” I think he got the message, because the next text was – we could meet at this place for brunch at this time, I already made a reservation so let me know if that works for you. And then at the brunch he brought up what happened the previous time he was in town and I just said, my time is valuable too and I don’t expect to be blown off by my childhood close friends. Haven’t had a problem with it since and I do think being super-clear was good.
This stinks, but if she is a good friend you will get through it. It’s up to you to decide whether you want to directly confront her or take some “cooling off” time and then see what happens, but you are right to be upset.
In thinking more about this, I wonder if the following might be at play:
I am an introvert and don’t particularly relish meeting new people. I am passable with it at work but figured out some time ago that when I meet friends of my friends at, say, a wedding or a happy hour, likely I will never see that person again and so sharing information about myself or making small talk doesn’t seem terribly rewarding in comparison to the anxiety I experience. For a long time, my extrovert friends would assume that if I liked them, I would also like their other friends and so it was totally cool for my friends to make plans to combine friend groups and we could all hang out together. Or, show up to a lunch or happy hour with another person along, unexpectedly. For me, dealing with people I don’t know – especially when I haven’t had time to mentally prepare myself to be “on” in a way I don’t have to be with my close friends – is hugely anxiety-producing. I finally made that clear to a couple of my friends – I’m sure your friends are great but when we make plans to hang out one-on-one, that’s what I’m expecting. I’d be happy to meet your friends some other time. I wonder if OP’s friend figured – OP is my friend and these folks are my friends so we can all have brunch and be friends together! For those of us who are introverted/have social anxiety, that can be like a nightmare scenario – the only way to see my friend is to go to this big event where I don’t know anyone and will have to make small talk with people I will never see again, most likely. So, OP, maybe if you do get a chance to work this out with your friend, this is a boundary you can set? Just an idea.
Ouch, I’m sorry. One of my biggest pet peeves (aside from the actual flaking on plans) is making nebulous plans. “Let’s hang out Sunday” “Ok, what time and where?” “Oh, I don’t know, we’ll figure it out!”.
She screwed up. She may or may not feel badly about it. I’d wait and see whether she reaches out and acknowledges the situation. Then you can decide how you want to proceed. It could be that she is really upset and feels terrible. Or it could be that your friendship has (sadly) run its course and she’s focused on other things. You’re allowed to feel hurt and annoyed.
Not getting back to you until NOON with an invitation to BRUNCH when you are an HOUR AWAY feels to me like an invitation designed to make you decline. Who would agree to that?
I have a friend like this too, she’ll try to plan, say, dinner on a Saturday night at 8, then ask to move it to 7, then if I say that’s too early for me to get there, and she’ll be all “well I have this birthday party to go to at 8 so” and I’m like, you’ll be late even if we do meet at 7, and I use the exact same line as you did, “Sounds like you don’t have time.”
The difference is we live in the same city. But I still end up seething periodically.
Does anyone here do a non-traditional Thanksgiving meal? I’m interested in what you’ve done in the past and what you have planned for this year. My family’s Thanksgiving will be much smaller this year and we will probably forego the traditional turkey and fixings for something we all like more, but not sure what yet.
We do a prime sirloin roast from Costco for our small family. It’s cost effective and you have delicious lunch meat for days after. I don’t like turkey and the amount of work involved to get a mediocre meal.
Yes, we make something we like but don’t usually have time for like baked shrimp scampi or salmon with special sides and starters, most of which are from Smitten Kitchen.
We hosted a small thanksgiving last year and bought a package for 4 people from Whole foods. It was surprisingly affordable (i want to say like $60 for a ton of food) and really delicious. I am not usually a turkey fan either but the turkey we got from them was really tasty.
We are not hosting this year but my partner and I agreed that anytime we host again in the future we are buying the turkey from whole foods.
I want to do this! Were there instructions for reheating everything? I’m scared I’ll ruin it on the re-heat, since I’m terrible at reheating meats (I’m 90% vegetarian).
yes, very good, detailed instructions on reheating which turned out great.
there are also lots of different packages that you can buy. We made a few things we really liked and outsourced the rest.
It actually turned out to be a good deal financially too since turkeys and all of the ingredients can really add up.
We’ve done this before, not from Whole Foods but from a local market/cafe in our area that offers pre-packaged heat-and-go Thanksgiving dinners. It worked great. Our package did come with detailed instructions on how to reheat everything. If you live in a large-ish city there are probably markets or restaurants (especially ones that do catering) offering Thanksgiving meal packages.
One year when it was just my husband and myself for Thanksgiving, my husband made pizza and made the sauce, dough, and meatballs for toppings from scratch. He had worked in an Italian restaurant in college where he learned to do all of that. It’s not something we would normally do and it took about as much time as a traditional Thanksgiving dinner, but we enjoyed it more.
We like having homemade crab cakes, grilled asparagus, and champagne :)
this sounds so yummy!
we did peking duck take out the year we had no gas and it was amazing.
Last year we held an open house and I made only pie (3 savory and 3 sweet). This year, doing the open house again and my mom is helping and we are making mini foods (e.g. stuffing muffins and mini cornbreads).
I think we’re doing pies for Friendsgiving!
My ideal Thanksgiving dinner is this:
I could give or take the turkey, but my husband loves it, so we usually do turkey, baked potatoes and green beans. Not really non-traditional, but it is just the two of us and we kind of enjoy getting up early, drinking a cup of coffee and putting the turkey in. Then when it’s almost done we open a bottle of wine and spend the rest of the day eating and relaxing.
We did ribs for Canadian Thanksgibing this year because we were having Turkey at mil’s the next weekend. It was awesome
I’m going to have about 8 hours in Pasadena on Friday after a meeting and before a 10 pm redeye from Burbank airport. I’ve never been to the area before, and will be leaving my luggage at a hotel near the federal courthouse while I explore. What should I do/where should I eat/what should I see? TIA!
Depends on what you like. If you’re into archtecture, the Gamble House is a Craftsman gem. If you like museums, the Norton Simon is fantastic. The Huntington Library and Gardens (I think they just added “museum” to their name, too) is great, too. My favorite place to eat is the Parkway Grill — they will serve you dinner in the bar, and it’s nice and relaxed with a live piano player. And you can stroll around Old Town, although I feel like it’s largely been taken over by the national chain stores.
Oh, and there are some nice boutiques including consignment stores on Green Street east of Lake. That’s a nice walk and there are some nice restaurants there as well.
Shop in old town. Visit the Norton Simon museum. Eat at parkway grill or houstons. Go to the Langham hotel and sit by the pool. Enjoy!
Yes, if you’re free for lunch, poolside at the Langham is the best!
Gamble House, lunch at The Raymond, and/or the Norton Simon museum would be my picks. Unpopular (very un-Pasadena) opinion, but I never really enjoy going to the Huntington because it always seems to be super-crowded and boiling hot. If you don’t feel like taking rideshares, there is a town shuttle service called Pasadena Transit that is easy to navigate.
If you go to the Gamble House, there is (usually) a map in the gift shop which has a walking tour of the neighborhood so you can see some cool Arts and Crafts houses that are private residences.
Thanks so much for the suggestions! The Gamble House and walking around sound perfect!
Cold weather shoe wardrobe
Those who live in cold climates, talk to me about your cold weather shoe wardrobe. Mine currently consists of Everlane boss boots for work/dressier outfits, black “uggs” from Costco, and Hunter boots with fleece linings for snow. There are obviously some holes here but I’m not sure what I’m missing. I think I need more casual (not “ugg) boots, and maybe some other inclement weather boot (Hunter’s keep your feet dry but they have zero traction).
I have a pair of flat black Blondo ankle boots. They fill a gap I think you are describing– something to wear with jeans when it is chilly and maybe damp but not full-on raining or snowing. I’ve been window shopping for moto boots, too, but haven’t found any I love yet. I’d wear them for similar weather, it’s just a different style.
I have these Blondos too and they are THE BEST.
I have big sorel snow boots; high hunter boots; sperry duck boots; j crew black, flat rain boots; waterproof casual hightop sneakers/booties by sofft. I dont find any of the boots, including the sorels warm enough for truly cold days, even with wool socks. I do appreciate having various colors and heights and styles of waterproof footwear.
I have LL Bean duck boots for snow, Uggs for really cold days that aren’t super snowy, two pairs of leather riding boots and one pair of suede leather booties for when I want to wear boots but look more fashionable, and sneakers that I wear a lot (casual office). The only obvious gap is rain boots but I make due with sneakers or riding boots when it rains.
I find that the Bean Boots don’t have good traction on snow or ice. I have
Bean Boots for rainy/muddy days
North Face snowboots for snow and ice (the only brand that fits my narrow heels)
Aquatalia waterproof knee-high suede boots for work on snowy/rainy days
Black block-heeled ankle boots for work when it isn’t snowing (Blondo waterproof would be more versatile)
Taupe Frye ankle boots for weekends and casual days at the office (same as above, Blondo waterproof would be more versatile)
Mid-calf Frye boots for weekends
Cheap rubber rainboots from Target to slip on quickly
Never too many shoes...
I have Sorel’s for snow, leather Chelseas and motos of various types, the same costco sheepskin boots, rain boots and knee high flat leather boots for dry weekends.
Also, it is totally a thing in Canada to just wear snow boots to wherever you are going and change into dressier shoes when you get there. So my shoe wardrobe does not actually change that much in winter.
Yaktrax fill this gap for me. Just strap them on to the boots you’re already wearing, as the weather dictates.
Uggs make a really great shorter boot with a good sole, with good soft insides (foam underfoot, sheepskin fleece lined) called the Adirondack II. Recommend. They were my go-to dog-walking shoes for really slushy or cold weather for months at a time. Also recommend anything Blondo.
Late reply, so in case you check back…I have a pair of blondo ankle boots I like for wet warmer weather. I manage to find la cannadienne boots on sale, and they are super warm (most have thinsulate lining or such), and all are waterproof. They are more of a ‘classic’ style, and not super trendy, but my feet are toasty (I actually want some boots that are less warm!) , and I can walk comfortably.
I have just signed up for my first Stitch Fix box. Pretty excited to see what they can do – especially as we come into winter I have so few free daylight hours and I don’t want to spend them on the time needed to look good!
Weird spam, but okay
Nah Ribena is a regular commenter.
How much does a surgeon – lets say orthopedic – make in their first “real” job post residency and all? How much debt are they likely facing from med school? Let’s assume good, but not HYS, medical degree, residency and hospital, all in a major MCOL urban location.
It depends on how urban you are talking. As an example, I have a friend that got out and got his first “real” job as a radiologist at 35 (he went straight through). Job offers were $300k-$850k. $300k was Boston, $850k was Jackson, WY. Other cities he had offers from were Atlanta, Denver metro area, St Louis and Houston.
I would guess about $300k in a “big city” year 1. Medicine operates on an inverse pay scale than most other jobs. Most of the super high paying medical jobs are in the most rural/hard to staff parts of the country.
Debt is really based on previously family wealth and aide. For someone who had to take out loans for all of med school but has no college debt, I would guess that their loans would be north of $300k.
Most orthopods make $400-800m in major areas, though major areas may pay lower than rural, for example the Jackson WY listed above. Beginning salaries may be around $350m. Most medical students with debt have $150-300m in debt, with the higher numbers being if they don’t have scholarships and let interest accrue during low-paying residency years ($50-60m/year salary). Surgeons often have longer residencies than other specialties so higher debt is likely.
Probably over $375k, maybe up to $475k.
Debt could be zero. My SIL has over $200k in medical school debt
Med school prestige doesn’t matter, funny to see that (very lawyer thing to be worried about). Residency prestige *could* matter some at the very top levels, but all residencies are rigorous. Most orthopods (no fellowship/sub-specialty) will probably make 375-650 (quite high).
I’m a surgeon in a highly competitive speciality, and I think these estimates are all high unless you choose a private practice instead of an academic center or a rural location. In places like Boston, LA, New York, DC, the starting salaries in “high-income” surgical subspecialties in academic practice are sub-300 right now. I would say 265-290 as a starting salary, expecting to start making productivity bonuses or see a salary increase within 2 years.
If you want to start at 500+ you will need to either join a private practice or live in a location with less competition for the jobs (the south, midwest, etc)- likely both.
What would you do: DH is a contractor for a local tech company. Since he joined, contractors have been slowly stripped of certain privileges that are now only available to full time employees. Last week he received an email from someone – presumably a full time employee, not HR or administration of any sort, not a boss and not someone he personally knows – stating that he must no longer park in the specific spot he’s been parking in. The word “bummer” was used in this email. We looked up the new rules and this person is correct, contractors can’t park there anymore. However, I’m very confused why some rando decided to take on a volunteer police assignment during business hours (he would have had to find the license plate in the parking pass directory which is not readily available and connect it back to the owner’s name and then pull up another directory to figure out whether he’s a contractor or FTE). It’s very strange to me that a vendetta of some sort can be perpetuated by one class of employees against another. Definitely DH won’t park there anymore, but would you agree that the communication seems inappropriate? Would you brush it off and move on? Forward this email to someone at HR? Your boss? Their boss?
It’s entirely probable that someone who knows who your husband is, and knows he is a contractor, saw him park there and wrote the email, or saw him park there and asked a co-worker who he is.
+1 This would be a super weird thing to raise a stink about. And I don’t think it’s really that inappropriate, unless the guy was rude to your husband. (Even then, I’d say just let it go.)
Or someone else asked him to write the email? Sounds like you are overthinking this way too much to me.
You’re all probably right, thank you for the reality check. Don’t think anyone asked him though – it was the equivalent of a software engineer sending this. Plus if it was official I don’t think they’d say “I know it’s a bummer”. In any case, ignoring and moving on.
tech companies are weird. job responsibilities aren’t always clearly laid out. it is possible that someone higher up asked the engineer to take on this task, and gave little direction, which is why your husband ended up with the “its a bummer” language. regardless, your husband can’t park in his preferred spot anymore. Move on.
Okay, first of all, it is official, he looked it up and confirmed that! Second of all, normal human adults say things like “it’s a bummer” and that doesn’t invalidate what they’re saying. He was trying to be nice! Geez! I honestly don’t understand why YOU are spending so much mental energy on this very minor thing that happened to your husband at his job.
This is the workplace version of cranky old people who post on Nextdoor.
I think you’re off your rocker. I do not see anything inappropriate here, there’s no reason to suspect this employee did anything untoward, I would definitely not share with anyone, and if y’all are going to be this salty about it he should get a new job.
Frankly the taking away of all the “perks” that normal employees get would have me looking for a new job anyway.
There could be a co-employment issue at play here, which is why they are being so strict about enforcing the rules.
I work in a tech company, and there is some class warfare between contractors, hourly-paid (union) employees, and salaried (non-union) employees. I would guess that the person who emailed your husband recognized the car as belonging to a contractor, even if that person doesn’t know him personally. They were either trying to be nice to inform your husband before he gets towed, or they want to use that parking spot tomorrow. Either way, I would ignore the employee who sent the email but your husband should definitely complain to his boss about the lack of formal communication re: parking, as well as losing the ability to park there in the first place.
Also, I don’t find it weird that someone would email your husband, or that your husband found out about the policy from a random person. At least in my tech company, this is how most company polices are distributed.
I’d be inclined to be annoyed, but would probably rally and just reply, “Oh sorry! made a mistake about where I’m supposed to park. Won’t happen again.” This assumes that there is a non-punitive culture where a contractor won’t get fired over that (which is crazy but I’m sure happens). Also, if it was a busybody who decides next week to tattle to HR if your husband is wearing colored socks, your husband has something in writing showing that he’s a reasonable person who made a mistake.
In a rational world, I might see a friendly face from HR and say, “hey, I made a boneheaded mistake, I parked on the wrong floor last week,” but I don’t assume that HR people are going to act reasonably about that sort of thing.
Bus Cas Clothes for a Superhero
My BF is built like a superhero, or perhaps more like an action figure, given his stature at 5’6″. He wears a L t-shirt, now bordering on XL, due to his weight training. His waist and legs are . . . small. Obviously he is going to have to tailor pants for length, but does anyone have suggestions for where to shop to get something close to fitting or where to look for inspiration for clothing for this build? He has a new job and is physically uncomfortable in his current wardrobe, so he needs new business casual and casual clothes and has specifically asked me to accompany him on a shopping trip. He is mid-40s and not a fashion plate, and will not want to make a huge monetary investment, but would probably be open to some updating to his style if he’s spending money anyway, like slimmer cut jeans (but not skinny jeans or anything bordering on hipster wear — and maybe slim cut will just exacerbate the upper/lower disparity?). He has not suggested I figure this problem out, just asked me to take the shopping adventure with him. I just thought perhaps someone else here has addressed a similar struggle and could help.
Look for “athletic” cuts in suits and shirts.
Tell him to stop skipping leg day if he’s super into working out :) . I don’t think he should wear something super skinny, but something slim fitting on both top and bottom will look proportional. If you have a Bonobos Guideshop near you that might be an option, they have a ton of fits and sizes. My H near exclusively wears their pants, though he wears the athletic fit since he’s kind of bigger-all-over from weight training.
Ha! I have had the same thought, but have intentionally avoided questioning his regimen! He speaks often of leg day, but perhaps a few more reps are in order.
It’s hard to balance those kinds of proportions. If he’s not willing to adjust his work outs, then I would avoid skinny jeans and look for wider leg jeans so the disproportion is not so obvious.
Tapered dress shirts, also called fitted dress shirts.
DH is similarly built like a triangle. He’s had luck with calvin klein slim fit button front shirts but hasn’t bought any recently so not sure if it’s changed.
Try Suit Supply, if you have one in your area. My hubby is a similar build (albeit does not skip leg day) and their tailors are fantastic. They also have a really good range of short sizes for jackets so he try them on in store and not have to have the entire jacket re-cut. Otherwise, hubby also has good luck at Lucky jeans (pun halfway intended) which also have a solid range of sizes for more vertically challenged guys.
Thanks for all of these suggestions! I will try to direct him to some of these brands/stores. He just needs something that fits now. Perhaps the proportions will even out . . . or not.
Has anyone used the Bellefit postpartum binder or another postpartum binder? How did it go/how did you use it and would you recommend it? I searched the archives and it looks like Kat wrote about PP corsets years ago and recommended the Bellefit. It would be great to hear others’ recent experiences. Specifically, I want to know if the Bellefit is truly worth the high cost when AMZ carries inexpensive Chinese corsets (granted, they look super bulky compared to the Bellefit).
I’m 28 weeks with my second and everything feels looser this time. Would love to have some sort of shape again at some point lol.
Oops meant to post this on the Moms site…but maybe folks here have experience too.
I tried it for a few weeks pp but honestly, the only thing that helped was exercise, like swimming and pilates.
Wondering this too. 27 weeks along and would like to get my body back. (I’ve run, swim, done pregnancy-friendly weight training, eat a lot of fruits and veggies… and just hoping that the destruction isn’t too irreversible.)
I bounced back fine after twins without one of these. The key is pelvic floor physio, not binders. If you use a binder and your pelvic floor isn’t strong enough then they just push everything down in that area. I was worried that something would prolapse. You can start pelvic floor physio while pregnant but you really need to go after the birth to get recommendations specific to how your muscles have weakened. PF physio is actually a standard part of post-partum care in France.
I did. I used a Bellefit after the birth of my third child was was really impressed. I wish I had done it after the birth of my first two children. I started wearing it maybe 3-4 weeks pp and wore it until the baby was 6 months or so. I did all the other things, eat well and exercise, but I my pregnant belly is huge+ straight out and my abdomen was very very stretched out—it felt like my guts were falling out— and I found the Bellefit helped me feel more stable.
I didn’t, but I used the belly bandit. I had a c-section and really liked it for the ~month after giving birth. Like CapHill, I felt like my guts were falling out if I rolled to my side, and it helped with that. (Anecdotally, friends who’ve had a c-section agree with the falling out sensation and friends who had v birth did not have that experience, so it seems like a c section thing). I found the belly bandit got uncomfortable and kind of wrinkled in the middle. If I have another I will get the bellefit or similar (didn’t this time due to cost).
Like CapHillAnon, I used a Bellefit with my second and wish I had it with my first. It did help me feel more stable and generally more “contained” and I had two v-births. It feels like I have a more defined waist after using it compared with my first.
No experience with the Amazon products— did a quick search, and you’re right, they look unnecessarily clunky. I cannot imagine wearing those when leaving the house.
FYI - help needed with amicus effort in SCOTUS abortion case
FYI — reposting from somewhere else because I support the cause but have no story to share.
Help needed with amicus effort in SCOTUS abortion case:
As the Supreme Court prepares to revisit abortion rights in June Medical Services v. Gee, Paul Weiss is leading an amicus effort to ensure that the Court hears from women in the legal profession. As you may remember, in Whole Woman’s Health, a group of 113 lawyers and law students submitted an unprecedented amicus brief, explaining how their constitutional right to abortion access was critical to their lives and careers. A similar brief will be filed next month. If you are a lawyer, law professor, or law student who has terminated a pregnancy and you are willing to be part of this effort by signing onto this brief (providing a narrative is totally optional), please email [email protected] by November 20, 2019. Please pass this on to anyone you think may be interested in joining this important effort.
(I am not a part of this but passing along the info.)
I need new casual sneakers. Budget around $100. What do you fashionable ladies recommend? FWIW I wear a size 9.5 and have feet on the narrow side.
I have similar feet (same size and narrow) and found some I really liked at Cole Haan. I got mine on Zappos, but they also have a bunch of pairs on their website.
Go to a big shoe store like DSW and browse until you find something you like? I like Converse and my narrow-footed sister always had good luck with Puma sneakers, though I don’t think those are trendy any more.
My DH has been complaining a lot recently about how he feels he looks so much worse since turning 40. There’s nothing really obvious at play here — no weight gain that’s noticeable; he looks exactly like most 41-year-olds look. I’m very attracted to him and tell him so. But he’s always been so unconcerned about his looks that it’s throwing me for a loop and I’m not sure how to respond. He can’t name anything specific he wishes would change. Personally, I wish he’d commit to a regular exercise routine, but more for his own health and well-being than to improve anything physically. I dunno; do I just continue telling him that I’m very much attracted to him and don’t know what he’s talking about, or do I gently suggest that being more active might help him feel better?
Being active can make a difference. DH took up trail running and honestly he’s in better shape at 43 then he was when I met him at 26.
Can you frame it as trying new activities either just him or together as a couple? Basically like trying out different sports like running, rock climbing, triathlon, skiing, whatever. I know it would be a bit of an ego blow if DH said I needed to work out more so I think how you approach it can make a big difference. If you present it as he is unhappy and looking for a change, and here are some ideas for change, that has a different flavor.
I would do something like “You know, it sounds like you might be in a bit of a rut and I’ve totally been there too. Would you be interested in trying ___ ? It would be fun to mix up our routine and try something new on our next date night.” Don’t bring up weight or body image, but just suggest trying a new activity for fun’s sake. That alone can get people out of a rut.
“I’m sorry you feel that way. I think you look great and have been telling you that, but it doesn’t seem to help. What type of response from me would be most helpful to you?”
I didn’t, but I used the belly bandit. I had a c-section and really liked it for the ~month after giving birth. Like CapHill, I felt like my guts were falling out if I rolled to my side, and it helped with that. (Anecdotally, friends who’ve had a c-section agree with the falling out sensation and friends who had v birth did not have that experience, so it seems like a c section thing). I found the belly bandit got uncomfortable and kind of wrinkled in the middle. If I have another I will get the bellefit or similar (didn’t this time due to cost).