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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I don't know which I prefer: this fringe-trim tweed shell at Banana Republic ($54, down to limited sizes) or the striped tweed skirt it's pictured with ($78, only sizes 16-20 sold out but 0-14 and tall sizes still available). Together the contrast of the vertical and horizontal stripes is fun, but the fringe details and overall relaxed-but-polished vibe are great. You can wear them together, obviously, or you can pair the shell with with a solid navy or white bottom (ooh, or another pattern like a navy/white floral or an eyelet/lace in either shade) and you've got a look. Lovely. Fringe-Trim Tweed Shell and Stripe Tweed Pencil Skirt
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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
AIMS
I got a somewhat similar skirt from JCrew Factory recently and LOVE it! It’s a bit on the casual side for work but great for summer Fridays with a relaxed white button down shirt or a plain tee and I always feel “cool” and actually cool wearing. Plus, it has pockets! The sizes keep going in and out of availability and the price changes (I think I bought mine for around $30) but I’m planning to order it in an other color if my size comes back in. It runs on the large side but pretty consistent with most Factory items. https://factory.jcrew.com/p/womens-clothing/skirts/maxi/striped-cottonlinen-midi-skirt/G5892?color_name=blue-ivory-stripe
Ellen
I love the J Crew pencil skirt, but had to buy it in Size 4 b/c of my tuchus. Now Frank is telling everyone I had to size up b/c of my tuchus and it is embarassing to have him tell EVERYONE, including the teck guy and the janitor who came to fix the a/c yesterday. What busness is it of his to learn my dress size, or that I went up to a size 4. It is a PENCIL skirt! I can still wear A-Line dresses in size 2, b/c they are CUT differently. But Frank HAS to make an issue about it b/c I told Lynn. FOOEY on Frank. He has a big tuchus himself. He is NO Brad Pit! FOOEY on HIM!
Anonymous
I was one of the posters from earlier this week who was feeling like my relatively new job was a bad fit. Turns out it wasn’t just me as my firm has decided to let me go. I’ve seen other posters get great advice in the past about what to do when they get fired – I could really use that here.
Also any advice on how to pivot – I’m thinking this may be a blessing in disguise as I wasn’t happy doing what I was doing but I don’t have the flexibility or time to really explore and figure out what I’d actually like to be doing.
Thanks all
K
Wow! Sorry you were let go! I think you’re right, though, now you have more time to really find something you want to do. Definitely take today for yourself and relax.
Pompom
Sending an internet hug to you.
Take a day or two to feel the feels, wallow a bit if you want to, and take care of yourself. Then, try to assess where you felt there was a mismatch or a skill gap or whatever that led to the result. Be brutally honest with yourself without degrading yourself (been there…its hard), and step into the shoes of the employer to see their pov.
If you can “diagnose” a few mismatched priorities, skills needed/gaps, workstyles, whatever, keep those things at the fore of your mind as you job search, tap your network far and wide, and ask questions of potential new employers.
You got this, friend.
mascot
+1 for doing a self-assesment as to what was good and what was bad on both sides. Then take only those lessons with you. Mentally discuard all other bad stuff, criticism, bad memories, etc. They got you to the lesson (I work best with people who do x.y.z) and you don’t need them anymore.
BC
If there is an opportunity to negotiate terms (and there really always is, it just might be awkward), in addition to getting some severance money, try to negotiate to stay on their website/letterhead for a few months until you find a better job so that you can interview as though you still have the job. It might feel kind of sleazy, but it is a common practice, especially for smaller firms that can’t afford financial severance like big firms would provide.
Also, if you have any allies within the firm, talk to them. Try to secure someone who will act as a reference for you. Typically, people (at least one nice person) is sympathetic in this situation and will try to help you get to your next opportunity.
Anon
Also, if you sign a release, insist that there be a mutual non-disparagement–it shouldn’t just be that you can’t slag them off–they need to abide by this as well.
Cosign the advice to only take the wisdom that there is out of this. You need to learn from it, but don’t let this entire situation make you feel as though you’re incompetent. You were good at your other job/previous jobs, you have skills–this particular place was not the right place for you, but that doesn’t mean you won’t shine again.
It’s way too early to be jobhunting, but you really do need to practice in the mirror or with a trusted friend what your story for this place is going to be. If you are _at all_ uncomfortable about explaining what happened, it will come across. You need to have a plausible, forward-looking explanation [they role pivoted once I got there, the department was downsized unexpectedly, etc.] that you feel very natural and easy in saying. If you get weird about it, it will really hinder your jobsearch.
Feel all the feels, including anger and disappointment, for a short time, but know that you must pick yourself up and be forward-looking. I promise that you will barely even think about this place in a few months once you’re in a new position.
Chin up! Ask for support from friends. You will get through this tough time. It is temporary!
Anon Employment Lawyer
Be realistic about the mutual clause – not always a good idea. Many employers won’t agree because it’s too hard to control a whole bunch of people and if you make a list of specific people, then they have to talk to them and your situation is broadcast more broadly than you might want or have anticipated. It’s a be careful what you wish for/ unintended consequences clause I personally would not seek. People may gossip, but they’ll gossip a heck of a lot more if you do this. Get a neutral reference clause instead.
Nude Wedges
Looking for recommendations! I am in the market for some new, comfortable nude wedges. I have had my clearance Cole Haans for over a year and stretched them out walking an airport during a flight delay. Because I know I love them, I am willing to invest a moderate amount. Any favorites?
Anonymous
I like Cole Hanh and FSNY (French Sole New York) for walkable wedges that last.
Leatty
Cole Haan Tali Grand bow wedges (link to follow). I wear mine several times a week.
Nude Wedges
My current workhorses are Cole Haan! Love them.
anon CPA
Same. I have them in black and navy.
JS
The Franco Sarto Frankie Wedge Pump were recommended a lot here awhile back and they’re super comfy. They’re usually in stores at DSW to try on.
Anom
Totally your call, of course. But consider whether you actually want “nude” wedges. The color is starting to look dated to me. A shade of brown might be more on trend?
Anonymous
+1 – i’ve been reaching for my purple wedges and my black/white snakeskin wedges (both the Cole Haan Tali) instead of the nude (with patent leather toe cap).
Anonymous
Or maybe try a suede nude for you/tan/brown wedge?
Nude Wedges
Interesting! I am very terrible at staying on top of current fashion (or really fashion at any point!), so I truly appreciate the tip!
anon
Since you’re open to fashion tips, I’ll mention that in my personal opinion, wedges in general look a bit dated. Block heels or flats look much fresher. But – doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with wedges if that’s your thing, they’re a classic and not every look has to be the latest.
Anonymous
+111
Anon
+111
Anon
Anyone use a sale alert app or browser plug in to notify you when a specific item goes on sale? I feel like there has to be some tech solution to this problem instead of checking back too late when all my sizes are gone.
JS
Shoptagr is exactly this. I found the plugin really annoying, but the email alerts worked perfectly.
Anonymous
I’ve used shopstyle.com for this feature.
Anonymous
I use ShopStyle, you can flag specific items or create a running search (I have one for suit skirts from my favorite two brands).
Anon
!owlert is a great plug in. Once downloaded, you append to the task bar. When you want to use it, just highlight the item price on the web page and click on the icon, and it autosaves to your account and will email upon a price drop. You can even indicate by how much you would like the price to drop.
Anonymous
Do these websites/trackers search multiple websites for the lowest sale, or just one website/store that you tag?
Anonymous
Shop style hits multiple large retailers.
Veronica Mars
Reporting back after receiving the Halogen ponte pants from the Nsale. I’m happy with the quality and the price–they fit well, and are a good length (I’m 5’7″). I’d definitely recommend.
Housecounsel
Thanks! Was wondering about these. It’s a blessing being 5’7″. Pants are usually the right length!
Anonymous
I have a pair waiting for me in my closet to try on, so now I’m excited!
Anonymous
Thanks for the post.
I am also 5′ 7″ and very pear shaped – are you pear shaped or more straight? I usually need a belt for pants or they look crazy, but sometimes lower rise can work if there is a lot of stretch in the waist.
Veronica Mars
I’m apple shaped and carry most of my weight in my hips. They’re a little snug for me in the waist, but I’ve got a few lbs to lose from vacation so I’m not too worried. There is a fair amount of stretch in the waist but not a ton–it kind of sucks you in. Maybe sizing up would work?
Veronica Mars
Not my hips, sorry. I carry weight in my chest and stomach (and it’s the stomach that’s giving me a temporarily larger waistline!).
SillyMistakes
Im a lawyer looking for tips/advice etc on how to be better at picking out small yet important errors in my work. The errors tend to range from misspelt words to incorrect dates.
I tend to get bored, feel rushed, or just somehow glaze over errors when i am proofreading my work. I know i need to simply slow down and review the important parts of the documents multiple times but i can’t seem to get it. Any trips, advice etc would be helpful!
fwiw i am getting tested for adult adhd and this was one of the symptoms that made me get tested
TIA
BB
Print things out. Also reading things backwards (massive pain, but pretty much ensures you won’t miss typos).
Cookbooks
+1 I read things backwards and go line by line with a ruler.
Anonymous
I’m a writer and editor, and my job hinges on turning in clean copy. Many people, including myself, struggle with this to some extent, especially on deadline – you’re not alone. Things to try:
– Print out the document or page, and physically proofread with pen in hand.
– Make yourself a checklist of the important items or categories: names, titles, dates, pronouns, numbers. Go over the document at least once for each item on the list. Underline them after they’ve been checked.
– Turn off all other distractions and put on some white noise, if it helps.
– Coffee!
Anonymous
Start from the bottom of the page or end of the document. 1) you’ll look at the stuff you are rushing through and 2) you are not reading it so your brain is less likely to fill in the blanks.
Print out and edit on paper vs screen.
Keep a checklist of the issues you know you tend to have (even specific word misspellings) and do a round where you specifically look for that issue in the document. Don’t try to look for 3 of the things at the same time, just 1 at a time.
If you can, step away/close the document and then come back to it the next day/later in the day so you have fresh eyes and brains.
Read the document out loud to your self.
anon.
Read it out loud. It’s a huge pain but I’ve found so many errors that way.
Anonymous
I print it out, read back to front, and also run searches for my worst typos (doe snot, Untied States, and Pubic Laws). I still can’t catch everything. Do you have an admin or paralegal who can help?
Anonymous
You can also use text-to-speech. The computer will read exactly what it sees; it can’t do otherwise.
Anonymous
Editor here: A checklist of all the stuff you need to check for and all the stuff you usually miss. Then go through the document looking for each thing (or doing a computer find for each one). Actually check off the items on your list as you complete each one.
If you can, let it sit a day or two to freshen up your eyes for it again.
SLOW DOWN. You already know you need to do this, so make yourself do it. Take your printed out copy for proofreading and leave your desk and go somewhere specifically to proof.
FWIW, normal people without ADHD struggle to focus and concentrate long enough to proofread something that they find boring are a just DONE with.
Senior Attorney
+1 for letting it sit. I always say I let my documents sit on my desk and they get better overnight.
Anonymous
How much do you really review your own work? I say this v. gently because we all do it but your post has a whole host of tiny errors that are super easy to correct or avoid in the first place like not capitalizing “I” or other typically capitalized terms like ADHD or FWIW, or including punctuation. Also, unless you’re in the UK you should probably go with “misspelled” over “misspelt.” I only point this out because there are lots of tricks to catching your own errors but I think the biggest one is committing to seeing this as actually important and not just something you should pay attention to for work. So I’m not trying to be an a&&h*le here and point out your mistakes in a post about mistakes. It’s just been my experience that you really have to commit time to this and believe it’s important for reasons other than someone giving you a hard time over “silly” mistakes.
Ellen
I agree with the OP. I to have issues with my written work, but I have (1) spell check, (2) auto-correct and (3) my secretary, Lynn to do the fine tuneing on my breifs b/f I file them so they are almost always 100% error free. The manageing partner had an issue with my brief’s, but he is so happy that I know how to copy and paste rather then haveing to type everything from scratch. FOOEY on that! I am VERY efficient, and with Lynn putting the finishing touches on my briefs, the Judge is always happy, and my winning percentage is now 93%! YAY!!!!!
Anon
It’s really not fair to judge someone’s professional writing based on an internet posting. I often misspell or don’t capitalize things I put on the internet because I’m typing fast, in stream of thought style, and usually short on time. I don’t bother to correct it because it doesn’t matter – it’s an internet comment not a contract. You took the time to pick apart a casual internet post – get a hobby
Jo March
Fair point, but I also make a lot of typos (probably will post this comment without catching 1 or 2….) and making it point to use correct grammar and spelling even in casual situations is helping me improve in making fewer typos at work. It may not be true for everyone, but for me, I found that using casual abbreviations or not bothering to fix spelling in short texts with friends made it more like that I would carry those habits over to work rather than being able to switch on a professional writing mode in my brain.
Amy H.
+1
AIMS
This is true for me too. It’s very hard to go from “I don’t care at all” to “I care a ton” and back again, at least for me. I’ll still make mistakes when I’m typing casually but I make them a lot less if I train myself to just always pay attention. The people I work with who have this problem have it in both formal and informal writing. One friend I know who really “fixed” this in her life is now much more diligent about checking for these things even in casual text conversations. Obviously everyone is different, but if you’re finding this an issue and you’re making an effort, making an effort in all your writing may make a difference. And, FWIW, you don’t see a lot of mistakes and typos and the like here that often. Everyone makes them but it’s far from the typical comment board.
AnonTechie
I disagree with this but am not a lawyer. In my very casual (gym clothes okay, people swear often) tech workplace, using full sentences, capitalization and punctuation in casual conversation is interpreted as being upset or passive aggressive. Our work writing (release notes, product specs, emails to outside parties, pitch decks) thankfully, is cleaner and much more polished.
This is to say that there exist a large number of people that routinely switch between sloppy and “proper” writing.
Anonymous
I try and have things finished at least a day in advance so it can sit untouched for that time. Then I come back to it with fresh eyes. I print it out and review it word for word. I also read it out loud. I always have another attorney read for me as well. It definitely takes time and I still miss things sometimes, but being very deliberate about going over every single word helps.
Dulcinea
Force yourself to read literally every word by printing out the document, and making a small checkmark over each word to confirm it is spelled, spaced, capitalized, and punctuated correctly. Don’t forget the footnotes. Also read out loud. +1 to reading things backwards as well.
Never too many shoes...
While that might be super accurate, I am having trouble seeing how that can work if you bill for your time?
Dulcinea
The simple explanation is it comes down to whether your clients want it fast, good, or cheap (they can only pick 2 out of 3). If it absolutely positively MUST BE PERFECT then you have to take the time to make it perfect, there is no other option (as others have emphasized, “slow down” and “take your time”). That said I personally feel some people emphasize style over substance and spend too much time on this; I think there’s a healthy balance and you need to know when to invest the time. FWIW, I have also read dozens of appeals court briefs over the years and there is ALWAYS at least one typo, even on those drafted by “prestigious” BigLaw firms…..And I have never once read a judicial opinion that said, well, Party A for sure had the more convincing argument, but their spacing was off on para 27 so we’re going with Party B. But the OP asked for advice on catching mistakes so I gave her the one that works best for me.
Never too many shoes...
That makes perfect sense. I work in insurance defence so that is certainly skewing my perspective apart from Court documents. In reporting however – paint the fence, not the Sistine Chapel.
anon
Yes. I have worked everywhere from federal court to ins defense to regional big law. Know your audience and their priorities. The annoying part is clients who get on you for imperfect product but refuse to pay for time spent editing or cut bills for efficiency. What do they expect to happen?
MJ
No one else mentioned this, so I will–if you have an assistant or an intern, ask him or her to read for spelling and missed words/phrases. You still need to do so, but a second set of eyes can help. Definitely always highlight/underline proper names, client names, dates, numbers and check them against the ultimate source to ensure they are correct.
Anonymous
Editor here– this! I don’t edit my own writing, I give it to another editor. It’s really hard to proof your own work because you know how the sentence will end and you glaze over it. I would make a cheat sheet of important dates/spellings and give it to your paralegal/secretary/another willing attorney to read.
OP
Thank you all!
I always print out documents that are not urgent/court filings and edit on paper. My issue was more so for fast emails or documents that had a quick turn around time.
Taking into consideration all of the tips- I have created a post-it note of things I need to review before pressing the send button. I do a quick scan for the document for each of the listed things (Dates, names, case ID etc) individually. I am also trying to be more cognizant of formatting, typos, and mistakes in my informal, non-work writing as suggested.
I caught a mistake in each of the things I was going to send out without your advice. Something that may have otherwise gone unnoticed so I thank you!
This truly is a great community
Anon Promotion
Looking for any input, especially if you’ve had a similar experience.
I am soon to be promoted. I have a verbal offer and we are just waiting for HR to put it in writing and then hammer out compensation. I’m thrilled about the promotion, but it’s happening in a really difficult way.
I’m replacing the more senior “Rob,” who is leaving in a week. Rob is full-time and I have been part-time but am going to full-time as part of the promotion. My start date in the new position is not going to follow Rob’s departure immediately, which means there’s an interim period when I will have about half of his responsibilities…with no change to my hours or pay. My employer has also stated that they can’t take away any of my existing duties during this period.
I found this out yesterday and balked. I have never pushed back on my supervisors in any way, but I (calmly) expressed that I don’t understand how Rob’s tasks are going to get done, and that I feel I’m taking on an additional role for free. My supervisors are generally great, but they seemed surprised. And I’m surprised that they were surprised. Isn’t this just intuitively not cool? They said that they understand I won’t be able to get everything done, but the person that will come back to haunt is me. Incorrect work, incomplete files, etc. due to lack of time will all just become my problem anyway, so lowering the standard doesn’t help me at all.
My hope is that this interim period can be short. But other than that, any suggestions?
Veronica Mars
Wait, is the period one week? Or longer than that. Can you just tough it out for a week and delegate the non-essential parts of your old job to your replacement?
Anonymous
Well, how long IS the interim period going to be? Did they give you any indication? If it’s open-ended, that’s an issue.
Anon Promotion
To answer both questions: my replacement isn’t hired yet, and won’t be. We’re not even interviewing yet. Also, this person is going to be brand new and probably need a lot of guidance. So there’s no person in the role to delegate to.
There is currently no indication of how long the interim period is. One concern I have is that I’ll need to negotiate salary and that will drag it on, with the consequences again falling on me.
Anonymous
You won’t get the new title or the new pay during the interim period? That’s where I’d push back. The rest is a bit common- you step up and figure of how to backfill yourself for a bit until a new person is hired.
IHHtown
THIS! They don’t get Rob’s job done at your current job salary, you get Rob’s job’s salary while you take on his duties and backfill the old role.
OP
Thanks. So to get practical here:
Let’s say they offer me the new FT hours, pay and title starting 8-15.
I respond saying the pay and title need to start effective immediately, or even retroactively if this happens after Rob is already gone?
IHHtown
I think that approach is a know your office situation. Missing out on two weeks of increased pay can be small or large depending on the raise, but in the grand scheme of things may be less painful than having a strained relationship with your bosses.
I would respond needing the pay and title to be effective immediately, or you will only be doing the duties of your current position until 8/15. Your company shouldn’t get 2 weeks of free work out of you. Demanding retroactive pay would probably wrinkle too many feathers.
Anonymous
Your mention of “the new FT hours” makes me pause. I’d been assuming you were moving from a salaried role to a new supervisory salaried role, in your same department. But are you working in a different kind of place? Or have you been working part-time hours and now you’re working as a FT hourly employee? All of that will depend on how much negotiating works here. Are you in a big company or a little family business?
No matter where you work, don’t get yourself into a situation where you’re doing your job and Rob’s job, at your current pay, while they figure out when/how to get someone hired to replace your current role.
anon a mouse
In my experience, this is not uncommon. Yes, it stinks, but you just need to be clear with your bosses about what you have capacity for and make sure they agree with your priorities. It’s better to do a few things well than a lot of things poorly. If there are lower-level tasks, see if your manager will assign them to someone else (maybe someone in another department, or an admin, or even short-term contract help) in the interim.
In the meantime, you should push as hard as you can to at least get the promotion salary and start date in writing, because otherwise you are doing the work with zero recognition.
Anon
I honestly would only do the bare minimum on Rob’s work until you have your title and pay raise. Your company is getting this incredibly wrong. You don’t do the promoted work at the old title and pay until you are replaced, you do the promoted work at the new title and pay, and perform the bare minimum of the old position until they find a replacement, which you then transition out to the newbie.
You are being set up to never have the promotion made “official” and your company gets to pay you less for two jobs. Unacceptable. If you can’t get your start date and pay set, I would either start looking for a new position or after a couple of weeks, simply say that you cannot keep doing, say $300k worth of work salaried persons work (ex. assuming new position is $200k and old is $100k) on a $100k salary and that you will stick with your current position until otherwise noted.
Anon
Seriously. My sister is in high tech/Silicon Valley. As progressive as they think they are, they aren’t. She really wanted a VP title and pay. Men all around her with less experience and responsibility were getting it, so she made a case that her current role was VP level work. “Yes, we agree that you’re doing VP level work but that role is not slated as a VP role. Why don’t you move over to this VP level role so you can do the work for a while and then we’ll promote you?” Dumb idea, she did the work for a year or so and no promotion. Finally after lots of pushing, they gave her the title but not the VP pay, saying it was because she’s just had a big raise (more than a year ago). Then, once she found another job and gave notice “oh, we meant to pay you the VP level pay, you weren’t patient with us, let us pay you now!” No dice.
Don’t be my sister.
Seriously the women at that company should do a class action.
Mineallmine
I’ve been your sister twice and it sucks. And they’re always surprised when I leave even though it’s was very clear about what I needed to stay. Glad she got out. People lie, even ‘nice’ managers – they agree to stuff just to keep you doing the work without more arguing.
TTC
I’m 37 years old- and planning to go off the pill for the first time in 15+ years for TTC. Other than going to a dr (which I’ve done)- any advice/experience with how to try and regulate hormones and focus on increasing the odds for conceiving as soon as possible? We’d love to try for 2 so not sure if IVF/freezing embryos should be an option depending on how it all goes. Thanks!
Anonymous
You may not experience changes but be ready for them all the same. The advice I got from my doctor is to “do it” every other day vs. every day during the middle of your cycle and that it’s more important to “do it” right before you ovulate because sperm can live in your body for 72 hrs. whereas an egg is only around for about 24 hrs.
I wouldn’t go all crazy trying to figure everything else out but it may be helpful to download one of those apps that keeps track of your periods to help you sort out your cycle.
Anonymous
Track your ovulation, have sex then.
Anonymous
Tracking your cycle accurately will take a few cycles, so you’re better off doing the deed every 2 days while you’re figuring your cycle out if you want to maximize your chances of getting pregnant right away.
Anon
Buy ovulation test strips and use those to check when you actually ovulate so that you have the real data. I ovulated immediately after stopping bc. It can take a few months but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen right away.
Anonymous
+1. I can vouch for the cheapos you buy on amazon. They work well and given that your cycle might not be super regular at first coming off of the pill, you could go through a lot of them. Good luck!
Anon
Keep in mind that a lot is out of your control. I was in your exact shoes, and did everything “right” (timing, charting, eating well, supplements, etc). Six months later, no dice. Turns out my husband has very low sp*rm count! A good lesson in control for this reforming control freak :)
Anonymous
Definitely track your periods with an app and your ovulation with test strips. In combination, those should give you a good idea of when your fertile window is. Oh, and read Taking Charge of Your Fertility.
Anonymous
Plus one to Taking Charge of Your Fertility.
nuqotw
My doctor said to have as much $ex as possible shortly before, during, and after expected ovulation, come back if you’re not kn0cked up in a few months. (Okay, she was more medical than “kn0cked up” but that was the upshot.)
Mrs. Jones
This is what we did, and I got PG in 3 months. I was 38. Good luck!
Anonymous
This is what I did and I got PG after ~13 months and I was 30-31… just keep in mind it doesn’t happen super quickly for everyone even if there is nothing wrong.
Gerri
I am single, have no interest in marriage but want a child. Is there anything morally questionable in finding a variety of guys for guilt-free $ex (no strings attached) so when I do get PG, I will not have to have any of these men in my life? My mom says yes, but I want freedom.
anon
This can’t be real? Well, lots of people would be uncomfortable knowing that they had a child out there without their knowledge or that someone chose to have their child without their knowledge. I assume you’re planning to lie about being on birth control, which is wrong. If you’re not planning on discussing it with your partner, then congrats on having s3x with a partner who doesn’t take sexual health seriously.
Anonymous
LOL what.
Anon
My husband’s sister did this, but I think it was unintentional on her part. It has worked out great for her. She doesn’t get the extra financial support, but she gets to be with the child all the time and doesn’t have to worry about another parent or parent’s family. I guess there are upsides to that strategy….one downside is that child really really really wants to know about dad, and not having an answer is pretty unsatisfying to him.
Anon
You’re better off with a legit sperm donor. In these days of DNA testing your kid is eventually going to find his/her bio dad. In the case of a sperm donor, the bio dad would be like, yeah, I donated sperm, no surprise. But in the case of a rando, they would be like I had a right to know! And the kid may resent you for this as well.
Anonymous
Yes, this. If you go the “sp*rm donor but doesn’t know it” route, there is always a chance the guy could find out somehow (it’s easier than you think it is for word to get around) and may decide he wants 50% custody and possibly even then child support – from you.Women always assume a guy will be relieved not to be held on the hook in situations like this, but that is not true for every man. Some of them, once they know they have a child, become very interested in being part of the child’s life and get legally aggressive about pursuing custody and visitation rights. There are plenty of stories out there about situations like this if you search. Bode Miller was involved in a situation very similar to what you’re describing (I believe he and the woman had been casually dating for a couple of months, though) and pursued custody once the child was born, much to the surprise of the ex-girlfriend who had assumed he wouldn’t want to be that involved. His ex-girlfriend actually lost custody of her son to Bode and his wife for a few months. Don’t set yourself up for a nightmare.
Also, getting pregnant by some rando guy you don’t know and can’t find again means neither you or your child will have any information about his health history, and that’s kind of important if the guy has, say, Huntington’s Disease or polycystic kidney disease in his family.
You can go to a fertility clinic and choose from a database of donors who have A. submitted very comprehensive health histories and B. already legally waived parental rights. If you are ovulating normally, working with a clinic to get sp*rm from a donor won’t be that expensive. Definitely more expensive than a one-night stand, but less risky from both a legal and health perspective. You can even use frozen sp*rm to inseminate yourself at home; you don’t have to have a clinic do it.
Anonymous
In addition to ovulation tests, start temping. Use Fertility Friend to start charting.
pickle
Read Taking Charge of Your Fertility. If your cycles are strange or it’s not working after a few months, get there to an RE.
Anonymous
If you do not start ovulating/get your period within a couple months, go in to get checked out and don’t let them just tell you it takes a while. My bcp was masking a pituitary tumor that caused me not to ovulate, and it took a good 6 months to get to an endocrinologist to figure that out. It was totally fixable but delayed our having kids (took months to schedule surgery etc). So don’t wait if something seems off!
Anonymous
+1. My bcp also masked a pituitary tumor
Anonymous
Thanks! This was 7 years ago but still feels nice to know I’m not alone in this!
Anonymous
I have read that the keto diet can help regulate hormones.
anon
My friend is getting married for the second time. Eight years ago when she got married for the first time, I was in her wedding and planned her destination bachelorette weekend.
She is treating the second wedding just like a first wedding. Destination bach trip, fancy registry, blowout elegant affair. It’s his first wedding, so I kind of get it, but is it okay to just…write them a check and be done? I
On a related note, what are everyone’s thoughts on expensive registries for couples who are in the one percent? I don’t have my own Tumi luggage; why should I have to fund theirs?
Sorry. Crabby today.
Anonymous
Yeah you’re really crabby! Let it go! Attend if you want! Send a gift if you want! A registry is not a demand. An invitation is not a summons.
Anon
You don’t have to attend the bachelorette party and you don’t have to buy her Tumi luggage. Just do what you can and feel is appropriate. If that means writing a check and being done with it, then that’s fine. But I don’t see why you have any opinion on the blowout affair. It’s her wedding, she’s picking up the tab. Just go and enjoy it.
AIMS
I mean what do you expect them to register for? Crappy luggage? That said, a registry is not the price of admission to a wedding. You can give them anything you feel comfortable giving. I get why you feel grouchy and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with just giving them a check (or anything else) and taking a pass on the bachelorette parties but they probably have guests who’re going to be happy to buy them a Tumi garment bag and will appreciate the convenience of a registry so I think that’s fine, too.
Anonymous
If these people are already adulting, I expect them to have luggage. If they want to upgrade, that’s on them.
Otherwise, I’m going to divorce my husband and remarry him.
[FWIW, I was 36 when I got married and already had stuff just from being a grownup with a job. I registered for a bunch of <$50 and <$100 things at Target just for the people who insisted on buying something but was very upfront when asked that I really would have been delighted to see them and wanted nothing more than that and their best wishes.]
Anonymous
I like your approach. It’s much less tacky. Sure, I can just send a check and have no obligation, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t tacky for them to do that.
Linda from HR
I think most people feel the same way about registries as you do, no one’s expecting their friends and family to buy them what they need. They figure “in case people want to give us gifts, here’s some stuff we could use.” Keep in mind a lot of stores give couples a discount on anything in the registry no one buys them, so that might explain a registry being really big or expensive, they’re shopping smart. Also, a lot of couples, especially younger couples, don’t have a lot of space for traditional or sentimental gifts like a set of China they’ll use a few times a year, so they figure it makes more sense to register for practical items, maybe upgrades from what they have or necessary replacements for stuff they’ve had since college.
Ellen
I find that if I ever get MARRIED, that I would NOT have a registry. I do NOT want people asking me for the next 50 years how their electric swizzle stick is working. FOOEY! I can buy what I need myself without bieng beholden to people for a silly $50 gift. DOUBEL FOOEY!
Anon
This is me. I am not asking my friends to buy me stuff they don’t even buy themselves just because I found a great guy.
Annie
Ditto. Getting married this weekend. I’m 35, I own plenty of stuff. I’m grateful my friends will give their valuable time to share my joy. I always give a wedding gift when there’s a registry/honeyfund, etc, but I am definitely not asking my guests to give me things just because I was so lucky as to find someone I love and get to spend my life with. I had a bachelorette party and saved up for, booked and paid for the AirBNB. Did my friend offer to pay? Yes. Did I accept? No. You don’t make people pay for your party.
BeenThatGuy
I read on this s i t e once that “a wedding is not a summons”. That has stuck with me. You are under no obligation to do anything for her (especially since you have already done it once). Politely decline anything you cannot afford or are against due to the circumstances. If your friend doesn’t understand, re-evaluate the friendship.
Anonymous
It’s “an invitation is not a summons” which is really something a lot of people seem to forget!
Linda from HR
People will register for stuff they’d like to have but wouldn’t necessarily buy for themselves, and for couples who are already kind of wealthy, that probably means they’re going to be drawn to expensive stuff when they go to register. I do think that a couple should try to register for gifts on the cheaper side as well, but it might not be something that naturally occurs to everyone. I assure you they’re not rubbing their hands together thinking “yesss, let’s force our less wealthy friends to fund our lavish lifestyle, muahahahahaaaa!”
I’m not sure what your general stance on giving money is, but I think it’s fine to write a check if there’s nothing on the registry that fits your budget. If that feels too low-effort, you could maybe add a small, thoughtful gift that doesn’t cost much and a nice card.
Veronica Mars
Co-sign. They may also just be putting it on for the registry coupon discount they get at the end. Don’t read into it.
Anonymous
This exactly. I registered for Tumi luggage because the pieces I like never go on sale but I could get a 20% discount through my registry. I didn’t expect anyone to actually spend that kind of money on me. Most of my registry was in the $50 or less range, with plenty of $25 or less options.
OP
Thanks for the reality check, all. I reread my post and I’m being totally petty. You’re right; they can do whatever they want and I can give whatever I want and I need to stop judging.
Sorry for starting the day on an unnecessarily cranky note!
Anonymous
We’ve all been there!
Anonymous
What a great response! Hope your day gets better. It’s Friday. Weekend is coming.
anon
Yes, you can write a check and be done. And yes, you can have your opinion that what they are doing is tacky. Just probably don’t share it with them…
Torin
I get it — I probably would’ve had the same reaction, and actually have in similar circumstances. But I catch myself doing this I try to tell myself that my reaction has more to do with my Opinions about the Wedding Industrial Complex than it does about the couple in question, and that I actually _can_ just politely decline the invitation to an expensive destination event and still be happy for my friends and celebrate with them some other time in some other way.
Anon
Registries for second weddings are tacky.
Anonymous
Why? How is it any different than if the couple has been living together for years and already bought themselves all their essentials? Registries are no longer intended to help the couple set up their first home together, that’s just not a typical relationship progression anymore. I don’t understand the pushback against “second marriages” when like 99% of people have been in one or more marriage-type relationship before they get married anyway.
Anonymous
It’s also kind of tacky to have a registry of household goods if the couple has already set up house, though sometimes it makes sense if they’ve been living very cheaply while still in school. Where I’m from, registries are still intended to help the couple set up home. For people of means, I’m not sure they ever filled this role.
cbackson
I collect old etiquette books, and registries actually originated with the upper class. You went to the department store in your town and you “registered” your china, crystal, and silver patterns so that people could buy things that matched. So they were about setting up your home, but not about setting it up with essential items (like you wouldn’t put a blender on there). But in those days, living together before marriage was socially unacceptable and thus super rare, so any younger couple that was marrying would be setting up house together for the first time…
Linda from HR
So when a couple sets up house, they’re all set forever, and they never get to request household goods as gifts ever again?
My boyfriend and I are moving in soon and we’re setting up house now, but if/when we get engaged and we start thinking about a registry, I’m sure we’ll want to seize that opportunity to upgrade some of our older, secondhand, and/or cheap-to-begin-with stuff. I can also think of some nifty kitchen gadgets that we probably don’t need right away, but would make excellent gift ideas in the future.
anon
Linda- no, obviously no one’s saying they’re all set forever. But the registry/gift concept sprang from the idea that you were setting up the new couple to start their home together. As you’ve seen from this thread, most people are happy to get stuff from registries, but sometimes it chaffes a bit when it seems like couples getting married who are already set up, basically, and fairly well off are jumping at the chance to upgrade their stuff. I’m single. I’m still using the plates I got from Target in 2009. Got rid of my towels I used in college last year. Do not have a fully supplied kitchen, much less nifty gadgets. I want to upgrade my stuff/complete my home, but instead I’m upgrading all my friends’ kitchens and flying around the country to their weddings. You guys already get the benefit of dual incomes…clearly people are happy to support their friends and its part of the social contract, but please understand why it’s a bit eyeroll inducing to feel like someone is seizing the opportunity to have you get them a standing mixer because they were lucky enough to find a partner.
cbackson
Yeah, like…registries are only tacky for second weddings if you think that second weddings somehow are inherently less important, which is pretty mean-spirited.
Now, my cousin did get married four times, three of which were within a six year period, so there was certainly some wedding fatigue on our part, but that’s a bit of an unusual case…
Anonymous
I do think second weddings are less important; particularly if the previous wedding ended in divorce. I’m still happy for my friends and I’ll support them and a write another check, but it should look/feel/ be a bit more subdued than the first time you swore “forever” in front of us, shouldn’t it?
anon
No. No it should’t be more subdued.
It’s like you think that they should be humbled and shouldn’t broadcast that they’re having a “do-over” or something.
cbackson
You’ve never been divorced, have you? Unless you have, I’m not sure you can really understand this, but frankly, a lot of times the second marriage is a lot more important than the first. Because a lot of times the first marriage was a pretty terrible mistake. Maybe you were young and religious and thought you had to marry the first guy you had s*x with. Maybe you were pregnant. Maybe you felt like you couldn’t break it off because he might put a bullet in you; maybe you were way, way, way to young to make the decision that you made and were miserable for years; maybe your husband cheated on you; maybe your families pressured you to make a socially and religiously acceptable match; maybe you hadn’t come out yet. Maybe your husband hadn’t.
There are a lot of ways a marriage goes wrong. There are a ton of ways you can make a bad decision. And a lot of times, the fact that after the shattering experience of a divorce, someone’s able to go on and make a new life and trust someone else enough to take that leap again – that’s a pretty beautiful thing.
I hope we’re not friends, because I hope that I will get married again someday, and I hope that my friends will be overjoyed for me and won’t think that this marriage is less important than the one that I made in my 20s with a man who left me with no explanation after three years of marriage.
Never too many shoes...
That was beautifully put, cbackson. I would happily celebrate your second marriage!
Anonymous
Beautifully said cbackson.
I’m on my first marriage, husband is on his second. I certainly hope none of our guests who were at both of his weddings thought poorly of him for finding love again after ending a relationship that came really, really close to destroying him. Literally — he attempted suicide after the first marriage ended. I don’t think anyone gets to come over all judgy because something that horrible for him ended and wasn’t actually “forever” like he promised.
Jo March
That is a lovely perspective, cbackson. I hope that you find the happiness you deserve and this internet stranger would be happy for you too!
Anonymous
Gently, I think the marriage is just as, if not more important. I think the wedding is less so. Surely that’s not a controversial opinion? Seven years into my marriage I seem to understand the wedding was the least important part, doesn’t that resonate to you as well?
I’m fully aware of the myriad of reasons why marriages don’t always work out and I think my previous comment made it clear that I’d support a friend and be happy for them at their second wedding. But, yes, with the benefit of experiencing an actual marriage I’d think that weddings are less important than did before I was married.
I haven’t meant to upset you and wish you all the happiness in the world.
Anon
But your second marriage is more, not less, likely to end in divorce.
anon
Of course we all think the marriage is more important. There’s no legitimate reason to think the second wedding is less important than the first wedding if you also think the marriage is equally important. People are pushing back on you because you weren’t comparing the importance of a wedding to a marriage, like you are claiming in your second post, you were comparing the importance of a FIRST wedding to a SECOND wedding. Quite literally. And saying people should be subdued.
Anonymous
And I stand by that. I’ll raise a glass but Im skeptical that of the spectacle. Weddings feel really important to the never married and I get that so I’m inclined to indulge. Having been married? Weddings just don’t matter that much.
That’s why second weddings should be smaller and more subdued.
anon
Not convinced by your backpedaling.
Anonymous
I fundamentally don’t agree that weddings aren’t important. I’m married, and (obviously…) my marriage is more important than the wedding. But the wedding was important to us. Everyone we cared about stood in a room and showed how much they love and support us. We stood in front of all of those people and made some promises about how we want to treat each other. I believe that’s important.
Anonymous
It’s like you think that they should be humbled.
Yup. You’ve said forever before. We love you and we’re happy for you. We don’t think you lied or that you’re a bad person or even that the failed marriage was your fault. But let’s face it, you’ve told us this before. So relax and be low key if you must have a second wedding.
anon
Yes, so you are looking down upon them. You’re essentially saying “I don’t think your word has value and I don’t think you take your commitment to your relationship seriously. I don’t take you seriously. I don’t trust you to carry it though. You don’t get a do over- you had one shot at my support. Because I don’t trust you and think less of your commitment, and you should tuck your tail between your legs and have a low key second wedding to acknowledge that you did something wrong/this commitment is worth less than my commitment at my first wedding.” You do realize you’re shaming people for getting divorced, even though you coat it in this patronizing “I love you and I’m happy for you.” That’s crap. That’s not love. What a miserable person you must be.
Anonymous
Eh maybe you’re right. Deep down maybe I do think it’s hard to take someone’s commitment seriously when they have more than one big wedding. That doesn’t mean I don’t support them and wish them well.
Anon
Anon at 2:36, when someone files for divorce (absent abuse, adultery, etc.), she is the one saying that her word doesn’t matter as much. Stop blaming the guests for believing that her actions speak louder than her words.
Anon
Registries can honestly be a gift to guests. Some people are uncomfortable writing a check but feel that they MUST gift something. It’s nice to gift something physical that you know the bride and groom actually want – it takes the pressure off.
Also, it’s not fair to assume that people in a second marriage don’t need household items. Maybe their items broke or need upgrade. MAYBE THEIR FIRST SPOUSE TOOK EVERYTHING! (Got a touch personal there). A second marriage is no less special than the first, in fact it may be more special as the first marriage may have been a two year mistake in front of a 40 yr second marriage.
Anon
Ok real talk – my first spouse DID take everything while I was at work. I came home to dust bunnies in the corners and just my clothes in the closet.
But I still didn’t have a registry when I married my current husband. We had a more casual wedding and asked for no gifts. If people contacted me asking what we really wanted, I suggested a gift to charity. We had a small, casual wedding with about 30 people that was really more of a party.
It was fine. I didn’t need a registry. I had to buy everything new when my spouse left anyway, and I was an adult and made it work. This idea that I could or should have replaced all the stuff with nicer stuff that other people bought kind of rubs me the wrong way.
I don’t really like the word tacky but I think it really does apply here.
anonshmanon
this comment makes me think – did Wildkitten ever get her dog back?
Anonymous
I see your point, but I don’t think this is fair to the groom if it’s not his first wedding. There are also always some people who will insist on gift giving, and they tend to be people who will are best given guidance as to what those gifts should be.
cbackson
In fact, I think most people give gifts for second weddings. I would never in a million years consider not giving a wedding gift because one of the couple had been married before. Given that many people like registries because it helps them give a gift the couple will actually want, I’m not sure why the fact that someone’s been married before matters. Are you less happy for your friend because she’s finding love a second time? Do you care less about her wedding because she got married once before? IDK, to me it’s not really relevant.
What goes on the registry is a bit of a different question, but that question is less about first vs. second wedding and more about age of the couple (as in, I typically figure a couple that’s marrying in their late 30s or 40s is more likely to already have good housewares).
Linda from HR
Right, I definitely think it’s important to think of the groom here. What, he doesn’t get wedding presents because his fiancee already had “her” wedding and round of gifts from that? His relatives may want to go the traditional route and give him something, should they really not specify what sort of gifts would be most useful and give people, and give people an easy way to buy and send those items to the couple directly, because some people might find that tacky?
Anonymous
I’m with you. I honestly think big weddings are tacky the second time around. I’m divorced and if I ever get remarried, I’ll go to the courthouse.
Anon2
That actually makes me sad for you. I’ve had friends that had a first wedding young, big wedding that lasted 2 or 4 yrs – some abusive, but only had a modest or courthouse wedding for the love of their lives who they have been with for 15. A wedding is a celebration of love and partnership, not a “do it big once just for the sake of it” party. I think there is a caveat as to whether or not its a third fourth or fifth marriage – at that point I think there is a good question of whether it really is a celebration of love and partnership v. habit and lust.
Linda from HR
I see where you’re coming from, and I want people who remarry to feel free to celebrate it as much as they want, because finding that kind of love a second time after getting your heart broken is really special. That said, there are people who had a big wedding the first time and ended up really not liking it, and they came away from the experience feeling like it wasn’t worth the stress or the money. In cases like this, where someone has learned the hard way that a big wedding wasn’t for them, or was fine the first time but not necessary to do again, let ’em have a smaller, more intimate affair.
I find wedding snark super unfair, because weddings tend to reflect a lot of personal stuff about the bride and groom like upbringing, cultural background, values, religion, all sorts of things you don’t always see from the surface, so just let people make their choices and try not to judge and snark over every little thing that doesn’t make sense to you.
Anon
“A wedding is a celebration of love and partnership, not a “do it big once just for the sake of it” party.”
No. A wedding is a ceremony in which a couple promises to be with the other forever. So yeah, absent widowhood, it’s a one-and-done event.
cbackson
I 100% will not have a big wedding again unless I’m forced to bc my future spouse really wants it. But I hate the idea that you’re not allowed to celebrate because you were married before. My marriage and divorce were absolutely devastating, and the idea that somehow that marriage – which nearly destroyed me in every way – would be the one that my friends would consider more important than a hopefully healthier and happier future marriage is pretty heartbreaking. Like, I’m not sure I could consider someone a friend if they felt that way.
Anonymous
Thank you – beautifully expressed CBackson!
anon
“So yeah, absent widowhood, it’s a one-and-done event.”
Lol okay sure, that sounds reasonable for everyone under all circumstances at all times. Eyeroll. What incredibly myopic, black and white thinking.
lawsuited
I’m totally cool with folks getting divorced, getting married again as many times as they want, having weddings as many times as they want, having registries as many times as they want. However, I find second weddings that insist on naive “Alex and Sam 4EVA” vibes commonly seen at first weddings are crazy-making whereas second weddings that have a “we’re older and wiser this time around” vibe are lovely. I think posters who are disapproving of big, blowout second weddings might be picking up on this.
Linda from HR
lawsuited, I think you’re onto something, but I don’t think that having a big, blowout wedding is the same as the “Alex and Sam 4EVA” vibes you mentioned.
I can see having one wedding, and then later regret skimping on some aspect of your wedding, or wishing you’d sprung for that one thing you thought of but decided against, or seeing something at another wedding and wishing you’d thought of it because it was awesome, and then actually getting a chance to do it over, maybe this time with someone else who also wants a big party! Do it!
I think all kinds of weddings are awesome, and I’m all for being super happy for my friends no matter what they do. It doesn’t seem right to conflate a big wedding with being young and naive, and a smaller wedding with being more older and wiser.
Anon
Say it with me… “Good for her, not for me.” Repeat as needed.
Anonymous
Wow, good for you but I don’t see how celebrating joy the second (or third or whatever time around) is something tacky, or to be looked down upon. Everyone saying this must have very joyless lives. I feel bad for you guys.
Anon
Please spare me with the joyless comment. No one is suggesting that second marriages or later marriages aren’t important and aren’t supposed to be celebrated. But there is something icky and off-putting about putting together a big ol’ registry full of expensive items again.
Anonymous
Uh, yea they are. And in addition to joyless? Not a whole lot of life experience if they think that marriages are one and done events. I read these things and am just grateful for a more enlightened and fun group of friends and family.
Anon
Not talking about the marriages. The focus is on the spectacle and tackiness of another blowout we-will-be-in-love-forever wedding and/or registry. If you want to have a huge second wedding with a registry asking for expensive items that you most likely already have (maybe just a little used or worn), then the point is that it is tacky. If you want to do it, fine.
Anon
“Not a whole lot of life experience if they think that marriages are one and done events. I read these things and am just grateful for a more enlightened and fun group of friends and family.”
Marriage is a lifetime commitment, sweetheart.
Anonymous
@5PM, Lol, no it ain’t. Not for a lot of people.
Anon
If you want to invite people to you “wedding” but you don’t really want it to be a lifetime commitment, you need to tell that to your guests. You also need to tell it to your groom.
The *entire reason* people find big second weddings to be tacky is your attitude.
Anonymous
I hope y’all get a chance to grow up someday, and I hope nothing out of the perfectly scripted life you have designed for yourself never happens because you’ll be in for a rude awakening.
Anon
Perfectly scripted life? Last I checked, I have parents who have multiple divorces and was ab*sed as a child. But I’m sure that some rando bee-atch on the ‘net knows my life better than I do.
It’s amazing how many of life’s problems are solved by just doing what you’re supposed to do and not associating with people who don’t do likewise.
Senior Attorney
I thought that, too. I was never going to get married again, and then if I did I was for sure going to the courthouse. Then my lovely husband (who was married for 27 years the first time and then widowed) insisted on having a giant wedding. And you know what? It was amazing. We partied literally all day, from a 6 a.m. bike ride, through a noon wedding and reception, concluding with an evening after-party with dancing. And yes, we registered (mostly for wine) because a friend of mine said “if you don’t, people will just give you random stuff.” Some people gave us gifts and some people didn’t, and that was all great. It was all GREAT. SO MUCH FUN, SO MUCH LOVE, SO MUCH JOY!
I’m with cbackson. This is my THIRD (gasp!) marriage and you’d better believe it is the most important one because it’s the one where I finally got it right.
Horse Crazy
This might be a weird question, but how do you register for wine??? That sounds like the best idea ever.
Senior Attorney
Haha, it took some doing but we were able to do it at Amazon. Only hard part is somebody has to sign for the delivery, so we had it delivered to my husband’s office.
Wine Lover
Yes, I also want to know about wine registries!
Eh
What a mean spirited comment. As many have said, this is the groom’s first wedding.
Anon
+1 I think so too
Amy H.
It’s his first wedding.
lalala
I’m a huge fan of weddings and would love an opportunity to celebrate with any of my friends or family regardless of whether its their first or second (or whatever number) wedding. As the person said about, it’s an invitation not a summons. If you think it’s tacky, don’t go and stay home and be cranky.
Anon
I think a person can only legitimately think this if you think all registries are tacky.
Well, maybe they are, but they are a tradition, and for that reason, I didn’t think I could avoid one.
Anonymous
Don’t go if you don’t want to. I’m sure your friend would rather you not be there if you’re just going to judge her the whole time.
Clothing question
I’m a senior associate considering a lateral move, and I’m going back to a firm that gave me an offer for a second look (to meet some more people and help me make a decision). My potential new firm is VERY casual — most partners who interviewed me were in jeans or the equivalent (early in the week, so not a casual Friday situation).
What do I wear for my return visit? My current firm is typical NYC BigLaw, on the formal end of business casual (my work uniform is a wool sheath dress, either a non-matching blazer or a structured cardigan, and pumps). I realize it “doesn’t matter” in the sense that I already have an offer, but I don’t want to seem out of place, either by being too casual or too formal. Thoughts? Weather will be mid-60’s. I won’t be coming from work so I can’t use that as an excuse for being more formal.
Veronica Mars
Break out the jeans! Then pair with one of your non-matching blazers and you’re done.
Anonymous
No. No. No.
Veronica Mars
Fair enough. In my industry this would be 100% appropriate given the stated office culture.
Scarlett
I know there is an always wear a suit ethos around here, but that is actually not always the right answer. It’s a know your environment thing. In the Bay Area, a suit is going to be out of place in a lot of companies and a lot of industries, including law. I don’t know where OP is, but her new firm is casual and she’s been there and has an offer already. In her shoes I would dress down. Perhaps a dress with flats, a pair of ankle pants and a blouse if she’s nervous about going too casual in jeans. But I don’t think this is a suit/formal attire situation.
lawsuited
As she already has the offer, I’d switch gears from “impress potential employer” to “integrate into new team” which I think means dressing like you fit in. I’d wear jeans or black pencil pants with a non-suiting jacket.
Anonymous
Yea, definitely do not wear jeans.
Anonymous
I work in a pretty casual biglaw office and think your normal work uniform sounds perfect for a second look meeting. Even though some partners in my office legitimately wear those sneaker-oxford hybrids on a daily basis, they would not think twice about someone coming in a sheath dress and blazer/cardigan.
SW
I agree. I would probably go with a structured cardigan over a blazer, but I don’t think you will seem overdressed in your typical work outfit.
Anonymous
+1. Just wear your normal work uniform. It is 100% better to be overdressed than underdressed.
And no one you are meeting with knows that you are not coming from or going to your office.
Anonymous
I would not wear jeans. Black ankle pants and a fun blazer or cardigan. Cute flats if you don’t want heels.
IHHtown
Your regular “business casual” outfit works just fine. No full suits, that would read as very stuffy considering you already know the style. A sheath and blazer or slacks, blouse, and blazer with fun accessories and brighter colors would work great. I think a grey sheath, black blazer, and heels would read a little formal and tone deaf.
Anonymous
Congratulations! In my mind this is a certain firm, but in any event, congratulations!
Anonymous
I work in a very casual firm. I’m wearing jeans for the third time this week. However, save your casual clothes for when you are working there. My firm still expects an potential hire, even a second look, to dress like they are interviewing for a law job. I think your normal work attire sounds fine, but I would not recommend wearing jeans or a cardigan.
Clothing question
Thanks for the replies, everyone! I’m in NYC but new firm is in the Bay Area (SF specifically), which is why they’ll know I’m not coming from/going to work (I’ll be in town for other reasons so I figured a second look would be a good idea). I’m so excited for the cross-country move but I know it will take some time to figure out the fashion norms! For my interview it was easy; I just wore a suit. I’m thinking I’ll either do my usual work clothes (but in brighter colors than I wear most days — thanks IHHtown!), or slacks, blouse, and blazer. Are pumps okay for shoes? I don’t often wear flats (I’m super short); my usual more casual shoes for that weather are booties with a slight heel. I’m definitely more comfortable in a work environment with some height.
Anonymous
You’re overthinking this in that I do not think it would hurt at all to be a little overdressed. Definitely wear pumps if that is what you’re comfortable in. I work for a casual biglaw firm with a Bay Area office, and no one would bat an eye at a potential hire being a little more dressed up than the typical attorney in the office.
Scarlett
In that case 100% wear jeans. Welcome! We are casual here. I’d wear booties, frankly – heels are totally go in SF, we walk a lot, it’s hilly. You might want to get the much scorned around here block heeled/low pumps.
Er
I work at a Bay Area law firm where people routinely wear jeans. I 100% expect candidates to wear a full suit to an interview. Second look could potentially be suit separates.
Anonymous
She’s not a candidate interviewing, she has an offer and is meeting people again while she’s in town, not the same thing.
Anon
Hunting for the ever-elusive white button down that isn’t sheer AND isn’t too thick to where I get lumps in my skirt when I tuck it in. I’m also a size 0, so anything petite-friendly is preferred. TIA!
Monday
J. Crew. While not “sheer,” you do need to wear a nude bra with it.
Houda
Asos petite white shirt. Tailored fit. They also have a version for bustier people.
Anonymous
So I have officially fallen in love with my Eileen Fisher slim crepe ankle pants. So much so that I’m beginning to wonder what I’m going to do when the weather cools down and I’m no longer comfortable with the slightly cropped length and exposed ankle. Does that brand have a style similar to the slim crepe ankle pant that works better for winter? Or do you still do bare ankles even when it’s colder outside?
Anonymous
Just wear them with black booties, with a height that nicely matches the pant length. Then wear a trouser sock underneath. I typically do this with black pants/black booties.
Bare skin in winter is not a good look.
Anonymous
Wear boots or at least longer socks for your commute and change shoes in the office.
Anon
They make a straight leg style that is not ankle length in the same fabric. If you are not tall like me, this will be an ok winter length. You can find them on the EF website.
Calm before the storm
I’m in a slow month with a busy 2 years ahead of me (last break more than a few weeks before a final push to get through school while working full time). I’m up to date on doctors appointments already and I’ve been doing some purging and deep cleaning at home. What would you do to get your life together and brace for a really long busy season?
Anonymous
I’d do nothing. Day drink. Chill. Read books. Walk aimlessly. Don’t fill precious free time with chores.
Anon
+1. Nothing makes you feel like you never got a break than spending all that time on chores. Go on a trip, go to museums, go camping mid-week when it’s not crowded, go swimming, read the classics…
Aunt Jamesina
I agree to a degree, but if OP is anything like me, I find enjoyment in puttering around the house and getting small tasks done. When I had a period of a few weeks like this, I would spend half the day on small tasks that I never got around to when working (giving kitchen cabinets and drawers a full cleanout, refinishing a side table…). Don’t spend all your time working and preparing, but if getting a few things done will contribute to calm down the road, go for it!
OP
Great reminders on both sides – I tend to putz around to relax but I need to just stop moving every once in a while too!
Anon
Stock your freezer with prepared meals. Stock up on household essentials (TP, etc). Meet up with friends and family and let them know you may be MIA for a while.
Anonymous
No to all of these. She’s going into a TWO YEAR busy period. OP – have some fun.
busybee
I’d make some big-batch meals and freeze them in individual portions so you can just reheat them when you’re too tired to cook but don’t want to rely on takeout.
JB
Set up grocery and dry cleaning delivery.
Work through some easy meals that you can make when busy.
Try to see your friends and family, especially if there are going to be months where you are not available.
anon a mouse
Buy birthday, anniversary and holiday cards now. Stamp and address them and have them ready to go on the designated date.
As much as you can, do your holiday shopping (yes I hate that I am suggesting this in July, but maybe it will help).
Book a day at the spa for as soon as you turn in your last school assignment. Good luck, you got this!
OP
Actually holiday shopping is a great idea. And the spa day! Thanks!
Anonymous
Get in to a normal exercise and eating routine. Figure out how you want to stay in shape (assuming you do), and get the habit down. With regards to eating, I would work on developing 6-12 recipes that are very easy and healthily, that I could repeat and keep the ingredients on hand.
OP
Great idea, currently working on this!
CBG
comparison shop for insurance, interest rates, routine services and switch if it makes sense. (car/home/life insurance, banks, cable, trash, etc.) If I had a day or 2 to spend on that stuff I’d probably save so much money. I’ve seriously thought about taking a day off every year to do that, but vacation days are too precious!
Failure to stay positive
Help me be happy for my friends’ and family members’ weddings when secretly I’m really resentful of how easy it seems for them.
My boyfriend and I are planning to get engaged within the next year. We know that as soon as we do, all h*ll will break loose with both of our families because we are from drastically different backgrounds, do not want to have a religious ceremony, and each family believes that any wedding should be according to their culture and traditions. Many of these issues have already come up when introducing each other to our respective families and there’s already been some ugly things said and hurtful assumptions made. We’ll do our best to work through this when it comes to the wedding, but it will be extremely stressful and if we’re not extremely careful, has the potential to be really painful for us and our families.
In the meantime, we have several close friends and family members getting married. None of them face the cultural conflicts that we’ll have to deal with, and they’ve vented to us about family stresses like “My sister’s bridesmaid dresses were blue and I’m afraid she’ll hate me if mine are also blue.” I know every wedding is stressful in its own way and I’m genuinely happy for my friends and family’s weddings. But it’s really hard not to be resentful of the fact that they get to worry about centerpieces and seating arrangements while we’re going to be worrying about threats of disownment and our family members thinking we’re both d@mning our souls.
Anonymous
So, don’t do this. Why? You aren’t going to get to have a big wonderful celebration. I’m so sorry. It’s impossibly hard. But it’s also reality. Get online tonight and book your dream 2 week vacation. Take the Friday before it off and go to city hall. Tell no one until you’re back. They’ll hate it but they are haters who will hate anything.
Veronica Mars
Agree, this sounds like the perfect private elopement + vacation. You get your wedding with happy memories, and can deal with the inevitable fallout later.
Marshmallow
This is a really good idea.
Torin
Co-sign.
I think this is a situation where you just say F*ck It and accept that people are going to be upset and do what you want and decide to let them have their reactions and just not care.
Anonymous
Cosign
Katie
Yup – my fiance and I both have really complicated family situations. We’re eloping. Everyone else will have to deal with it. Do I have a little bit of self-pity in this situation since I “can’t” have the beautiful big wedding my friends have had? Sure. Is this still the right choice (for us)? Absolutely.
Mineallmine
Eloping isn’t all or nothing. I eloped, with a couple of friends in attendance, got married in a beautiful location, wore a pretty white dress and ate cake. Make it fun for yourself, and beautiful. You don’t need a big wedding to have a beautiful one. Mazel tov!
Scarlett
+1 – for a billion reasons, I eloped and don’t regret it at all. It was the most romantic experience of my life.
Marshmallow
I went through a little bit of this, not because of cultural issues but financial ones. We were the only couple I knew at the time (and maybe still do?) who funded our own wedding. I heard a lot of fairly insensitive comments from friends about fighting with their mom over the appetizer or color of the flowers or whatever, when their parents were paying for them to have a wedding that cost as much as my annual salary.
It helped to focus on my love for my fiance, that we were doing the right thing for us, and how happy I was to be marrying him. Ultimately what other people think (about your flowers or your immortal souls) really doesn’t matter for you personally. Try to focus on how happy you are for your friends and how lucky you are to have a great boyfriend.
anon
I’ve had a lot of sh*tty, unfair things in my life. Like, a LOT. and the thing I’m always struck by is that just about everyone has their own really tough struggles. they’re usually not so obvious and probably aren’t going to be the same as yours, but they’re there.
So yeah you might have lost on the wedding experience front, but there are probably big problems these folks have that you don’t. Not saying that it shouldn’t feel bad or that you should take pleasure in their pain. Just that things like this are just a fact of life, everyone has some kind of issue, and you just need to take the good with the bad.
Those are thoughts I find comforting when I’m feeling resentful. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Mineallmine
This. +1000
Anonymous
Don’t marry this guy. It always amazes me that people think the wedding is this hurdle they have to get through and then everything will be fine. The wedding is just the beginning. You’re in for a lifetime of fighting and cultural clashes.
Marshmallow
??? I don’t think you read the same post as the rest of us.
Anonymous
Anonymous at 10:41 did read the same post. I disagree about the quick advice not to marry (we don’t know these people). But I agree that the wedding is (clearly) just one piece of an already difficult situation, and it’s not going to go away or change after they’re married.
Anonymous
Maybe you should start talking to your families sooner rather than later? A year is a long time to live with this sort of anticipatory anxiety. And who knows they might surprise you. My friend has this issue and she ended up having two weddings – his family paid for their preferred traditional wedding and her family paid for theirs. Maybe that’s not an option for you but I mention this to point out that your families might come up with solutions you hadn’t thought of.
cbackson
Envy is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
I feel you. My family really disliked my ex-husband. When I told them we were engaged, my mother literally said, “cbackson…please tell me you didn’t.” They tried to get on board with the wedding planning and with the marriage, but I knew there wasn’t real happiness there. So I get it. Completely. But resenting your friends won’t fix your situation – it won’t make it easier. It’ll just mean that you’ll enjoy their weddings less and your friendship less, and in the end, you may really need these friends and their support when you’re in the firing line with your own families.
Take care of yourself – I know it’s hard.
Anon
I don’t mean to pry or impart my own views onto your situation, but did the reasons your parents not like him have anything to do with why it didn’t work out?
cbackson
Yup, completely. I had been dating him for so long that I felt like I had to marry him – because I’d invested so much time, and I loved him, and I just…managed to convince myself that the way he treated me was normal.
He liked me a great deal for my social value – my social class and background fit his professional world (private equity, family office investing, etc.) better than his did, and he appreciated me as a pretty thing he could put on the shelf and take down and bring out when he needed someone to host a dinner or figure out the right hostess gift to take for a weekend in Easthampton. But he didn’t love me at any point, I don’t think, although he liked the idea of me a great deal. And that meant that he wasn’t very considerate most of the time, and could be downright cruel when I wanted something that didn’t fit into his vision of our life and my role in it.
In retrospect it all feels a bit like Portrait of a Lady and I’ve always loved Henry James but I didn’t enjoy living it.
He came out after we divorced. At the time he came out as gay and in fact lived for a number of years with one of our couple friends who’d I always thought had a bit of a crush on him; I suppose ultimately he’s bi since he married again some years later, and his second spouse is a woman but his s*xuality (and his life in general) ultimately aren’t my concern now.
Anon
Thank you for that thoughtful and open response.
Linda from HR
I completely agree with what you said about envy! It’s normal and natural to feel frustrated when you can’t seem to get what you really want, and it just seems like the same thing is being handed to some people on a silver platter, it’s not fair! You’re not better than them, you deserve the same happiness as everyone else! But resenting people for having what you want isn’t fair to them either, since they haven’t done anything wrong, they haven’t stolen anything from you, or swiped any happiness out from under you, and they’re not intentionally hoarding a resource that could be shared, a lot of this just has to do with luck.
As we’ve discussed here time and time again, friendships between adult women are both super important, and often difficult to form and maintain. Friendships can ebb and flow overtime, but don’t allow envy to lead to resentment that will strain those friendships and push people away from you.
Equestrian Attorney
I’m sorry you are going through this. I’ve shared a bit before about how hard my own wedding was, for several of the same reasons (families with different national and religious backgrounds, a whole lot of expectations on both sides, my father and MIL are both control freaks in their own way).
Remember that your friends may not be sharing the full extent of their struggles – to everyone but my closest friends, my typical discussion of wedding planning was “a few details to iron out, but we’re so exited!” when inside I just wanted to curl up and cry and maybe call off the whole thing or just elope. And sometimes, our lot in life is to have more hardship than others for certain things. My wedding was hard, but we have great careers and are otherwise in a good place. Comparison is the thief of joy.
Anon
To be honest, I found it hard to stay friends with my female friends who were getting married because the bridezilla trope is real. I didn’t envy them, I just really had a hard time with the money grubbing, demanding, attention seeking primadonnas they became during the entire engagement party / bridal shower / bachelorette / wedding period. They mostly turned back to normal after the weddings, thankfully.
I’m just saying that the wedding industrial complex does this to people. It makes you feel like you NEED a giant wedding with a $750 cake and 5 pre wedding parties with gifts at each and photo sessions and makeup artists and a choreographed dance session… when in fact, you don’t. When in fact the majority of these things are fairly recent developments and not long standing traditions.
What you actually need is a happy marriage. I’d work on that. I would not run off to city hall right this moment, though that doesn’t sound like a bad plan for you eventually given your family situation, but right now I’d work on having a private, grown up, healthy relationship with your boyfriend and work every day on setting boundaries with both of your families.
Paging Frustrated Wife
I saw your post too late to comment, but my midsized law firm is looking for an experienced labor lawyer and your husband would fit in that role. Job would be in Seattle, ir possibly Portland. If you are interested in hearing more, can you please post a burner email?
Frustrated wife
Frustratedwife@maildrop.cc
Anon
Just a looky-loo here, but this is amazing.
Kat in VA
I honestly love it when internet networking yields something – even if it’s just a potential introduction!
Minimal Totes/Handbags
Maybe this is better for the weekend thread, but I’ll throw it out there – what are your favorite minimal leather handbag makers on Etsy (or small brands that operate outside of Etsy)? Thanks!
lsw
Shana Luther is a friend of a friend and I love her bags!
Anonymous
some options from Rough and Tumble Designs may suit what you need – they’re on etsy and also run on their own. handmade in maine using (mostly i think?) italian leather
Anonymous
BF and I are both in our mid-30s and talking about marriage and kids. We both want kids but I’d be happy either adopting or having biokids or both. BF really wants biokids. I’ve never ttc before so I have no idea whether I’d have fertility issues, but I am absolutely not willing to undergo IVF or anything similar. I’m just barely willing to be PG and only because some friends seem to think it’s some profound experience that I guess I should be willing to tolerate. I’ve also told BF if I don’t have a wholly positive experience with pregnancy #1 then there will absolutely not be a pregnancy #2.
BF is really upset that I wouldn’t hypothetically do IVF. I’ve given him extensive literature about how hard it is on women. He gets is – he says – but thinks that having biokids is so important that I should be willing to do it for him. I’m pretty offended because this is my body, I get to say what happens to it. He says we’re a team and reproductive choices should be made together, lots of women do it! He also doesn’t have another option if I don’t want to be PG (he’s really against surrogacy and I agree – I think it’s exploitative unless you have a family member willing to help, which we don’t). He’s less concerned about subsequent pregnancies; I think he assumes everything will be great and I’ll definitely be on board for #2.
So here’s my question. Do I blow up this relationship for something that might never be an issue? Has anyone else dealt with this and if so how did you work it out?
Anonymous
This sounds like borrowing trouble and like a soap opera.
Anonymous
It’s also stupid childish. Like, you clearly don’t know what you’re talking about. And you’re telling him nope. Won’t consider even thinking about it.
Anonymous
to be fair, dude also seems like he clearly doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
I think the situation is less about the super-hypo-pregnancy-issues and more about the fact that they’re not disagreeing well and resentment already seems to be welling up.
not a good situation to move forward on.
OP
What about my post made it seem like idk what I’m talking about? My sister went through many rounds of IVF. Her husband travels a lot so she lived with me for much of it. I helped her with injections and went to her doctors appointments with her. I comforted her through the heartbreak of each failed cycle. I’m not willing to go through it. I’m just not.
I know adoption is no picnic but at least I’m not dealing with my hormones all over the place while I’m going through it. I want to be me. The real me not hormone pumped up me, not poked and prodded and treated like a freakin Petrie dish me.
Torin
Wait so he knows that you have all of this first-hand-witness experience with someone else going through IVF, and his response is still “lots of women do it!”?
I would end it over this. He’s not valuing your experience here at all.
Sarabeth
Not childish in the least. Look, OP may change her mind about IVF, that has happened to more women I know than I can count. A year or more into infertility, people’s ideas change. Maybe two years from now, she’ll want to do IVF and her BF will be the one saying they should adopt, or just remain childfree. But the underlying question is whether she has the right to say no to IVF if she doesn’t want to do it. And her BF thinks that she doesn’t. Which is very, very troubling. Because it shows that he doesn’t think her need to make decisions about her own body outweighs his desire to have biological kids. And that is a dangerous line of thought. OP has veto power over her own body.
Anonymous
So you’re cutting off now before you’re married before you’ve even tired to get pregnant any possibility of even considering IVF. And that’s your right to do, but that means you need to break up with this guy.
Send him my way. I’m mid 30s and I’ll do whatever it takes to get pregnant. NYC area, blonde, good boobs, great cook, healthy ovaries, solid 401k.
Anonymous
Gross.
Anonymous
I agree it’s borrowing trouble to worry about IVF. However does his feeling that he gets control over your body extend to other things? Will he dictate what you eat when you’re pregnant? Will he order you to breastfeed? Will he want you to get a tubal ligation when you’re done having kids? If this is part of a larger pattern of trying to control your body it would be a major red flag for me.
Anon
A few years ago I was sure I wanted to adopt and did not want biokids. H was opposed to adoption. After 2+ years of TTC, we have completely flipped – I want to try IVF and H wants to go straight to adoption. Feelings change over time.
lawsuited
+1 Both you and he may change your mind about what you’re willing or not willing to do to complete your family depending on what life throws at you. What’s most important to pay attention to is not your partner’s position but his thought process, how he communicates with you, how he integrates feedback from you, and whether he demonstrates kindness, respect for you and flexibility in his decision making.
Shanananana
I think that the two of you have fundamentally different opinions on how you want to create your families. It sounds like from your side TTC is pull the goalie see what happens, and make alternate plans to be a parent if it doesn’t, and his is we will have babies and will throw as much money at it as it takes. Because when I hear IVF, I hear lots of money and no guarantees. I don’t know that this is you blowing up this relationship, as much as you have a fundamental difference that neither of you wants to compromise on (and you aren’t required to compromise your body). Good luck, hugs to you, 30 something relationships are rough with the ticking timeclock of fertility added in.
Anon
It sounds like you guys are not on the same page and you should break it off (sadly). If he wants biological kids, you’re not willing to do IVF or try for a second pregnancy if the first isn’t 100% positive, and surrogacy is off the table (which I totally agree with, fwiw), then you might be poised for a lot of serious battles with no positive resolution for either of you. Find someone who is open to adoption with you and then if bio kids work out great, great.
anon
This seems less about IVF and more about general discomfort on being pregnant and some of the autonomy loss that comes with it. And yes, there are some people who want to help other people have babies-whether through egg/embryo donation or surrogacy. That doesn’t automatically make it exploitative. And yeah, it’s tempting to see this all in black and white and full of absolutes, but you really won’t know how you will react to so much of pregnancy and parenting until you are in that situation.
Anon
It’s exploitative if you have to pay a woman to be your surrogate, which OP indicated they would need to do in the absence of a family member volunteering. It’s also rife with ethical problems no matter who the surrogate is. Can you ask the surrogate to get an abortion for Down’s syndrome if she doesn’t want to? What if she wants to keep the baby she gestated for nine long months? Do you get to control her diet? What if you change your mind and leave her with the baby? What if the pregnancy is high-risk and her life is in danger? These are all real, challenging ethical questions, made all the worse when it’s rich Americans paying destitute Indian women to play the role of host.
Anonymous
Im not sure why this same Anon keeps commenting about India whenever surrogates are mentioned. I have three friends who’ve used non-family surrogates and they all used women in the US. Yes these women wanted to earn extra money, but they weren’t destitute and they were paid very well. Lots of people want a side hustle to earn extra money. I don’t know why being a surrogate inherently means you’re being exploited.
Anon
Because India is a major source of surrogates for rich Westerners. Try reading up on it.
Anonymous
Presumably we know whether the embryo has a chromosomal abnormality such as down’s and can contract around the rest?
Anon
You’re not going to have a wholly positive experience with either pregnancy or adoption, or parenthood in general. Get pregnant because you want to be a parent, not for the experience of being pregnant.
Delta Dawn
I agree with this– being pregnant is a means to an end. No one likes being pregnant. (I know some people say they did enjoy pregnancy, but my theory is they are lying.) In the grand scheme of things, pregnancy is a pretty short (albeit unpleasant and uncomfortable) window. I also feel similarly about the newborn stage– I know there are people who love it, but I think it is the absolute worst. But I willingly go through it because it is short and I like what happens after it (a fun toddler, someone I get to watch learn and grow for the rest of my life, etc). My point is I wouldn’t focus on the pregnancy aspect in making a decision on whether/how to grow your family.
moss
Yeah was going to comment on this. Pregnancy is HARD and childbirth is HARD and the newborn stage is SO HARD and having a kid is just tough. There is literally no chance of a wholly positive experience and I have no idea why you would put that on the table at all.
OP
Well I started at, I will do this pregnancy thing once then I’m out. But Thinkig and talking more about it, it strikes me as the sort of thing that you don’t know how you feel about until it happens, so I think I was being unreasonable by taking it off the table altogether. I still want him to understand, though, that where I am right now, I feel it is very unlikely that I will want to do that more than once.
Anonymous
op You’re not wrong. Please don’t marry a man who simply sees you as a vessel for reproduction. Pregnancy and childbirth are profound and deeply personal experiences. No one should force or pressure you into them. Please don’t marry this man!
Anon
That’s a totally reasonable approach and I think you just lay it out there. If he doesn’t accept that you probably only want one kid, break up. You don’t want to be with someone who can’t compromise on such an important thing.
breadwinner
I think I would want him to understand that you are taking very serious physical risks. I had a great pregnancy, no complications, kept up my workouts, ate well, etc. Had a very complicated delivery with danger to me and the baby and still am dealing with health issues now 10+ years on. Pregnancy is not a vacation and I would want him to get that and respect how much I’m putting on the line. If he seemed flippant about it I would be very cautious. Maybe that’s where you’re coming from? You don’t feel he’s taking the risks seriously?
new job who dis
ugh. this is rough, but I am in your corner.
do what you need to do, but if he isn’t going to back down from that line of thinking, then I don’t think you should either.
It is your body. IVF is not an option for you. yes, it’s a hypothetical, but you’re onto something with your concern. why is he being stubborn about this? what other things in life would he not back down from? is this how he approaches disagreements on major life decisions?
Anonymous
Guys in their 30s who want kids want bio kids and no matter how evolved they may be the attitude is — it’s your job to make that happen, sorry you’re sick for 9 months or have doctors poking around down there but I want MY son. They’re not going to say it but that’s how 99% of them feel.
Eh
This is really not true. What do you want them to do– have the baby themselves? They’re not sitting around saying “it’s your job, sorry your’re sick, sorry doctors are touching you, but me me me me me.” Any worthwhile man will sympathize and will thank their child’s mother for what she is going through. I have never seen my husband so compassionate as the moment we found out I had to have an emergency C-section. He cried (I didn’t). I have no doubt in my mind he would have laid on the operating table in my place if he at all could have done that for me. Not because he wanted HIS child, but because he wanted OUR child.
Anonymous
Nice for your husband — though crying over a c section in front of doctors LOL — but many guys, even good guys that everyone here seeks are like that. They don’t say it to their wives but it comes out that at the end of the day it’s — deal with it, I want MY son, and what else do you want from me, i picked up dinner didn’t I?
Anonymous
You’re projecting. This has not been my experience at all, and has not been the experience of my friends and family. Sorry you ended up with a selfish man.
Anonymous
Yeah no. Most good guys definitely aren’t this way. My husband has wanted kids since he was a kid (which I think is kind of rare for a guy) and when I told him I was unsure he was bummed but he never told me I had to give him a kid. We did start trying to get pregnant and it took a while, and he kept telling me we could stop and he didn’t want me to suffer through IVF. Doing IVF was 100% my decision, he was supportive of whatever I wanted because he knew it was my body that had to go through the physically hard stuff.
Nope
Yeah, the value of your opinion is diminished when you “LOL” at someone “crying over a c section in front of doctors.” Your entire comment is a double standard: you accuse men of telling women to “deal with it” but then laugh at them for showing emotion? Mutually exclusive. I feel sorry for whatever experiences have warped your worldview this way.
lawsuited
My husband definitely wanted biokids but didn’t adopt the rest of the attitude you describe at all. We both recognized that if either of us wanted biokids I would be the one that took the brunt of that decision, and he was very grateful and showed his appreciation and concern for me throughout my pregnancy, labour and delivery. A few days after my delivery, he told me that he thought we should just have one child (he previously talked about wanting three) because he didn’t want to see me go through that again.
Torin
“He says we’re a team and reproductive choices should be made together, lots of women do it! ”
Nope. Nope nope nope. Deciding to have kids or not is a decision you make together. Deciding whether to put yourself through IVF is your decision and he gets to respect it or GTFO.
anon
Yep. For awhile, DH and I had issues getting pregnant. I was on board with some fertility treatments, and he was definitely not. It’s a gender role reversal of the issue here, and I can tell you that was very hard on our marriage and there was definitely resentment on my end. He wasn’t dealing with the physical evidence every month we failed to conceive; I was. My body was being poked and prodded at; all he had to do was give a sperm sample. I wasn’t willing to do IVF (just a personal choice, no judgement!) but I wanted to at least explore IUI. In the end, I realized I couldn’t pressure him into feeling OK about any kind of fertility treatment. And we already had a kid at this point, so there was a very vested interest in getting through infertility with our marriage intact.
OP, all these discussions are hypothetical at this point. If you ever face this situation for real, you may be surprised that one — or both — of your views may change. What concerns me in this situation is that your BF isn’t being respectful of the fact that conception and pregnancy will affect your health and well-being in ways that it won’t for him.
Anonymous
Are you married? Because that is not how my marriage operates. Yes, at the end of the day, if I say no to IVF, then it doesn’t happen. But it is not a decision I get to go off and make on my own without any input from my husband, just as the decision to have his sperm tested is not 100% his decision, and the decision to have kids is one we must both agree on, and what house to buy, and what car to buy, and what to have for dinner, and …
Being married, to me, means considering the other person’s viewpoint – no one get’s to dictate decisions that impact both of us.
Torin
Yes.
Obviously I talk to him about major decisions, but 1) this isn’t just any major decision, it’s my body and mine only and 2) that’s not how I understood the statement I quoted. That statement to me means we each get to vote on whether or not you have to do IVF, not we should discuss this rationally and I want to hear your thoughts. I listen to what husband has to say, and I care what he thinks, but at the end of the day it’s my body and my decision. Decisions on whether to buy a house or something? Those he gets to have stronger opinions on and we need to come to a consensus.
lawsuited
There’s no vote. There’s consultation and the person with the uterus has veto power.
Anonymous
I’ve been happily married 8 years and in my marriage we each 100% have veto power over the medical decisions for our own bodies. Sure, we can talk about it together but neither of us would pressure the other into a medical procedure.
Anonymous
Agree x1000. Op, really scary things can happen even in a non- Ivf pregnancy. Do you want to be married to a man who thinks having bio kids is more important thank your bodily autonomy? Because that’s what’s happening here.
I thought pregnancy was awful and I never felt less human. I really think I’d have been a mess if I’d been married to a guy who thinks like your boyfriend.
Anonforthis
I think it’s pretty easy for BF to say “let’s be a team” when it’s not his body taking any of the risks. When my husband and I were talking about kids, we were where you two were: I’d have been fine with adoption if we had fertility issues, he would have been IVF and no adoption. We realized that if we couldn’t conceive, we wouldn’t be having kids, because we both had good reasons for our decisions and we respected each other. I find BF’s attitude pretty gross. Is he disrespectful of your wishes in other aspects of your life, or just this one?
Anonymous
According to the CDC, only “about 6% of married women aged 15 to 44 years in the United States are unable to get pregnant after one year of trying.” This likely won’t even be an issue, and if it does become a reality one or both of you might change your mind. I wouldn’t blow up a good relationship over differing opinions on IVF.
Anonymous
Even if so, what’s the next thing he wants to control her about?
Anonymous
Breastfeeding is important, so you’ll do it. Having a sahm is important so you’ll quit your job. Your body needs to look a certain way so have surgery for me. Op, once you give up your rights to your own body you’ll have nothing left.
Anon
I called off an engagement due to this issue. We got back together and eventually got engaged two years later, but it took us moving from discussing this in black and white absolutes to understanding that life is a crazy ride and kids may or may not happen, but we both hope to be biological parents. IVF wasn’t specifically our issue, but it was timing, and whether I would commit to 2 biological children. These were never hostile conversations but a lot of it had to do with autonomy over my body and when decisions were independent v mutual. I agree with the other comments that this is more of a communication issue than anything else. I don’t think either of us has changed positions much other than the fact that we are in firm agreement that we still want to be with one another even if kids don’t work out.
pickle
This is so weird. Most couples are not infertile, and never have to contemplate IVF. I never thought I would do IVF until all of my other options failed. IVF is not as hard on your body and mind as pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum. IVF is also not a guarantee for everyone. If you are concerned about your fertility, both of you can get tested now for various things. But this seems like an issue of not respecting your views, which will be a much bigger issue when you are dealing with pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum, toddler, etc. A disproportionate amount of the burden is going to be on you and you need a husband who is on your team 100%.
Monday
I disagree with those saying that this is unnecessary worry or that you don’t know what you’re talking about. Decisions about getting pregnant HAVE to be made in advance, after all. Once you’re pregnant, you’re already pregnant. And if it’s your first time, then by definition you didn’t know what it was going to be like.
I fully feel your concern, and think it’s totally fair to be warning that it might be a one-time thing at best. I am unwilling to be pregnant or give birth at all! I don’t see it as at all irrelevant to be talking about this at this stage in a relationship. You’re not high school sweethearts just wildly speculating about a distant future. I’m also VERY concerned about his assumption that you’ll be fine with it since “lots of women” do it. It doesn’t matter what lots of women do, you’re telling him what you want and he isn’t listening. I would consider breaking up over this, for sure.
Scarlett
+1 – I actually think it’s great you’re addressing and talking about this now. It’s the opposite of borrowing trouble. I think people too easily stop at “yea, I want kids p, you want kids, yay!” and don’t get into the discussions of what that means or looks like. And people are entitled to have very different opinions about what they are willing to do to have kids. I would absolutely sort this out before I married someone. You could get lucky and not have an issue or you could end up in a very painful split because you can’t reconcile this issue and it’s a real one.
Anonymous
I had a similar but slightly different situation, in that I told DH I did not want to IVF and he wasn’t thrilled about it but he agreed. Having kids just didn’t feel that important to me, so I told him we would could try the old-fashioned way, but if it didn’t work, then we’d either look into adoption or give up on kids. However, pretty much the minute I started trying, I realized having a baby myself was important to me. It took us almost a year of trying and by the end we were seriously looking into IVF (we ended up not doing it because I got pregnant first). But my views on it totally changed. I think it’s one of those things where it’s hard to know what you’ll want to do until you’re in it.
Anon
This sounds like a dealbreaker to me because of both of your attitudes. Neither of you seem to really care about what’s important to the other person and neither of you seem willing to compromise to meet it, something that’s essential over and over again in a marriage. Having one child was a dealbreaker for me, but I was willing to forgo a second if my husband didn’t want one, and he’s shown equal willingness to make this decision in a way that meets my needs.
Anon
This “we’re a partnership” about something involving 9 months of your body and about two minutes of his is bullsh1t. He does not get to decide what you will do with your body. If you’ve seen IVF and have decided you would never do it, then that’s the price of admission to YOU.
I do think you’re both putting the cart WAY before the horse here.
I really can’t stand it when guys say “we” are pregnant. No, your wife or girlfriend is pregnant. You are an expectant father but your body is not dealing with a pregnancy.
I suspect your boyfriend is the type that likes to argue every theoretical thing into the ground like it’s some kind of do-or-die high school debate. I’ve met so many guys like this. Props to you if you can live with that. I couldn’t.
Anon
So, I think I’m incredibly liberal, but I think his desire for bio kids is equal to your desire to have or not have bio kids. You divergent desires could be a deal breaker, so you guys need to figure it out. But I reject the idea that it’s your body so his desires don’t matter –Good luck with those kinds of attitudes being pregnant and raising a kid or even having a marriage for that matter; I think you need a profound sense of common ownership of stuff, including your mutual fertility, if you’re going to be happy and supported/supportive in the midst of these things. He may just need time to understand what IVF entails, and you may need more time to get used to the idea of PG/IVF, but maybe you guys aren’t compatible. FWIW, I didn’t like being pregnant, but I think being a mom is fantastic and the shared project of raising our little human is a joy to DH and I. I was mid30s when we accidentally conceived – best accident ever. Best luck to you OP.
Anonymous
I keep hearing about the effects of blue light on your eyes and skin. Does my normal SPF protect my skin against this or not so much? Should I wear special glasses during the day? What do you do to protect yourself?
Badlands
Uh…what? I’ve heard that the blue light is what prompts you to stay awake, which is why you should avoid is before going to bed, but not that it’s otherwise a problem. What’s the concern you need to protect yourself from?
I mean, it’s a wavelength of light in the visible spectrum, whereas most sunscreens are rated for wavelengths in the ultraviolet spectrum. I imagine a physcial sunscreen (like mineral sunscreen or a shirt) would block blue light, if it’s really a concern for you.
Anonymous
Nothing, because it is exhausting trying to live in a bubble. I wear sunscreen every day, eat healthy, I work out, I wear my seatbelt, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink heavily, that’s the limit of what I am going to do to protect myself at this point. I’ll die eventually of who knows what.
K
My normal glasses have a blue light filtering coating. I am in front of a computer or phone basically all day, so my eye dr highly recommended it. As for if it prevents eye strain.. probably? My eyes don’t feel particularly tired at the end of the day.
As for skin, my moisturizer has SPF 30 in it and I put that on in the morning and call it good enough.
Anonymous
Okay, please tell us what these effects supposedly are. Because the only thing I’ve ever heard of is that blue light keeps you awake / disrupts sleeping patterns.
Anonymous
I’ve heard eye strain and premature ageing. Idk if theres anything to it?
Kale
Do you love your tweezer? I think my last tweezer is like 20 years old and doesn’t pick up tiny eyebrow hairs. Please post a recommendation!
Anon
Tweezerman
Anonymous
These are popular, and are good for fine plucking.
But I kill my skin with them. I regularly give myself small bruises using them, so be forewarned. So now I mostly use my cheaper ones from the drug store.
Anonymous
Tweezerman is the gold standard.
Anonymous
And if you have Tweezerman, they do (or used to?) offer lifetime sharpening. So just send those suckers in.
I’ve had a lot of cheap tweezers over the years (what is it about conference lighting that highlights that one rogue hair?) and they’re good for day one but degrade quickly.
anonshmanon
I’ve had my tweezerman for over 10 years, it’s still like new and I’m never going back.
BertEyebrowsSince4thGrade
Tweezerman also makes a ‘needlepoint’ version. I really like this one.
Eek
Please share your stories of doing multiple big life changes at once! The stars have aligned and not only am I beginning a new job in three weeks, but we’re closing on our first home two weeks after that. I’m very excited about both changes, but a bit scared of how much I’ll have to hustle the next two months.
The house is thankfully in move-in condition and the cosmetic updates we want to do can wait a good long while (we also want to live in it a bit before making any decisions).
AHHHHHH so excited/terrified!
busybee
I got engaged, started a new job, and bought a house all within a month. Planned most of the wedding in that month too. We closed on the house roughly six weeks after I started the new job and we moved right in. It was actually fantastic. Similar to you, the house was move-in ready and we made a few small cosmetic updates. Unlike you, we went ahead and did them right away (painting, new light fixtures, nothing major). It was fun and exhilarating and FI and I had an absolute blast.
I hate change, so doing all the changes all at once was actually helpful. That’s also why we did the minor cosmetic stuff right away, just because we knew we wouldn’t feel “at home” until they were finished and neither of us likes feeling in limbo. Six months later I feel mostly adjusted. If we had done all these things six months apart, the separate adjustment periods would have dragged on longer and I just don’t like that personally.
Congratulations!
Eek
Yeah, I think the fact that both changes are happening at once is probably better than spaced a bit apart. Planning a wedding in a month, wow! Hats off to you :-)
Lobbyist
I quit my job, started my own business (same field), got divorced, and moved, all within a year. It was a great year. My family advised me to not move, to spread out the changes but I figured I’d just rip the band aid off. Selling old house, buying new house and moving was a bit more of an endeavor than I had realized, but the year wasn’t even that bad. The changes were all for the good. Now I’ve got a great new house, a successful business, I am very happily divorced (and have a great new boyfriend). Really I never would have imagined this could all be possible.
anonymous
Didn’t involve house buying, but I moved states, started a new job, and went back to grad school all within a month last fall. It was exhausting, but I tried to constantly remind myself that feeling so uprooted was temporary and that eventually everything would feel like home/normal. One thing I wasn’t prepared for was that I went from being generally very easygoing to having a really short fuse almost instantly. I didn’t snap at anyone, but I would get these huge anger flare ups out of no where. I talked to my doctor about it and eventually realized I had a short period of “adjustment disorder,” i.e. having a hard time adjusting to the major changes in my life. Having moved/changed jobs MANY times as a child and an adult, I wasn’t prepared for this seemingly “one change in a string of many” to hit me so hard.
TL;DR – cut yourself some slack if the transition is harder than expected. It doesn’t mean you didn’t make the right choice! Just that change is hard!
Anonymous
Honestly, that’s how most of my big life changes end up — all at once. I think it works out better that way. Get all the stress over with at once! Also, I found that buying a house wasn’t really a major change for me. It was just like any other move, although with a lot more paperwork to get done beforehand.
Good luck and have fun!
it was a lot
I can commiserate, though I’m not sure I have any advice beyond “one foot in front of the other, one day at a time”. I moved in with my then-boyfriend (now husband), got engaged, got married (a month after engagement), started a new job (two days after my wedding), my husband got laid off, then he enlisted in the military and left for basic training, we lived apart for 7 months, and then moved cross-country together. In the space of about 18 months.
Jules
Many years ago, now ex-H and I got married, moved 1000 miles to a state and city where we knew no one, started new professional careers (my first post-clerkship law firm, a total change from non-profits to academia for him) and adopted our first dog (who grew to be a 180-pound mastiff, weighed 100 pounds at age six months), all in the space of 8 weeks. I did decline when my firm asked if I would take the new-state bar three weeks after the wedding and while still in my clerkship all those miles away; that in fact would have been too much.
And, honestly, it was fine. The fact that everything changed at once maybe meant that any one change wasn’t so hard? (Either that or I’ve just repressed it, LOL.) But I don’t remember that period as being nearly so tough as I had feared.
You’ve got this!
HSAL
At the start of the year, my husband had just gotten his PhD and was still working in his lab, but didn’t have a job yet. In February we found out (at 19 weeks) that my pregnancy was twins. In April he got a job offer and we got a minivan. In May he started his new job. In June we had our twins, and when they were a week old we bought a house within 12 hours of it going on the market. Next month we close. You’ll manage. :)
Lean Out
I really really really want to lean out. Fourth year associate at a mid-sized law firm that is in all respects pretty reasonable in terms of hours and lifestyle, compared to the big law horror stories. But I still crave more time with my family, less stress, less public speaking, and less client contact. (Firm does not do part-time and the practice area doesn’t support it for a lot of reasons). On the flip side, I know if I stayed I would have a really successful career with great co-workers. My reviews are excellent and no barriers to making partner. Wondering if anyone else left a situation like this (for part-time work, government, or different career path altogether), and really regretted it. I worry I’m going to leave and always wonder what life would be if I had stayed.
Anon
Do you actually like being a lawyer? It sounds like you may not…. and are staying at this job mainly because you like your co-workers. I’m at the same experience level as you at a small firm– moving to a litigation boutique in a few weeks, and I feel like almost everyone I graduated with is changing jobs right now unless they were lucky enough to be super happy with their first job out of school. Why don’t you try reaching out to a few recruiters to see what’s available in your area– either at a firm or in-house? I think it would be easier for you to decide to stay or leave if you actually knew what else was out there.
Anonymous
Don’t do it – don’t leave. You’ll regret it. So you get thru a few years tired and not seeing your family enough. What are you really missing day to day at home that’s so amazing?
Of Counsel
OK – I’m going to give you completely different advice.
Life is short; time is precious. It would be different if you enjoyed your job and found it rewarding, but it sounds like you don’t. Making partner in a few years is like winning a cake eating contest where the award is more cake. It is not just a “few years tired and not seeing family enough.” Unless your firm is very different from mine, a partner without a book of business is an associate with more administrative responsibility, maybe more money, and a better title. If you are a 4th year, you are in prime years to make a move and should do it in the next year or two. It gets harder as you get older.
Also, you do not mention if “family” includes kids. Does it include older family members who may not be around in a decade? If it does, you are missing something at home. If you liked your job, wanted to keep doing it and found it rewarding, the cost/benefit analysis might make that worth it (I worked a full time demanding job when my child was young and missed my grandmother’s last birthday party), but again it sounds like you don’t.
Unless partnership is going to mean a real change in your working environment and assuming you can afford it financially, find something that makes you happier. The older I get the more I realize that time is all any of us really has. Don’t waste it.
Anonymous
If you don’t like the job/major parts of the job, I would move. Liking your co-workers isn’t enough to sustain you for the next 40 years, and it can get to be hard to move after too long at a firm.
But, if the only reason you don’t like it is because of your home demands, then I would consider toughing it out.
Anonymous
Has anyone gotten married where they bought their own home before the marriage? Did you put your husband on the title? We’re planning to do a pre-nup and will each consult our own lawyer but I’m starting to think about the various options for giving a new spouse some interest in an existing home. I’m planning to buy our new house prior to our marriage (and paying cash for it) but he will be paying half of the property tax, HOA fees, utilities, food, all shared expenses. I’m thinking of structuring the prenup so that if we get divorced, he’ll get an ownership interest share equal to his property tax and HOA contributions (about $14k per year). Or instead he gets a 1% interest ($9k) for each year we’re married. He doesn’t have any particular structure in mind but feels strongly about getting some kind of interest to avoid a pure landlord-tenant type of a relationship.
Torin
I owned my house when husband and I started dating. I didn’t put him on the title and we didn’t do a pre-nup. We just combined our finances so now mortgage and everything is paid out of that account.
Are you in a community property state? If yes, he’ll start being entitled to 50% of the equity paid on the note when y’all get married whether or not his name is on the title.
Torin
Whoops, sorry missed that you were paying cash. Disregard.
breadwinner
Yes and TBH i kind of regret it. I refinanced so had to put him on the title and would rather keep it to myself since I’ve been the one paying
Anonymous
Why are you planning to buy the home with all cash? That would impact my advice. Frankly, I would not do this and would instead split the down payment equally and pay the mortgage out of your income stream (which may still mean that you are paying for most of it if you have a significantly bigger salary) and put the money I was going to pay for the home in an investment account in only my name (that will likely get a better return then you would pay in interest rates on the mortgage anyways).
OP
For reasons I don’t want to get into, I will definitely pay all cash for the house. I already have investment accounts with separate funds. I have been a much better saver than him since I spent 8 years in Big Law and was able to save way more than most people my age, and he doesn’t have the savings to pay 50% of the down payment towards the type of home that I want, and can afford on my own.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t put his name on the house with 6 months to go before the marriage. That’s 6 months of zero protection for you. You never know what can happen and it’s just not worth the risk. Have you talked to the realtor or a mortgage broker for suggestions? Like maybe after the marriage you could add him to the title and he could take out a mortgage or personal loan that would be his responsibility to pay back, and use the money for upgrades or something? Just brainstorming. It seems unfair to me that he would have less than a 50% interest in the marital home but obviously it’s unfair to you if you’re completely finding your joint home.
Anonymous
*funding
Anonymous
My answer depends on how close you are to getting married. If you’re not engaged just talking about the future then no he doesn’t get to be on the house. You can renegotiate when you’re closer to getting married. Maybe he buys into the house – through renos? – so it feels fair to both of you to put him on the title. If you’re already engaged though then it seems a little unfair to exclude him from the title. You’re buying the house intending for it to be your marital home. I’d view it as a gift to the marriage. Maybe the prenup says you get your “gift” back if the marriage ends? See if the lawyers can work something out. Curious- how are you splitting finances? Are you keeping them separate? That might inform how you deal with some splitting the property.
OP
We’re planning to get married in 6 months after we close on the house. All this would be hopefullyaddressed in the prenup so it would be effective only after we get married. I’m putting a huge amount into the house and we both agree it wouldn’t be fair for him to get 50% if we get divorced in 3 years. We’ll be splitting finances equally, with each contributing 50% to a joint checking account but each also keeping our separate bank accounts.
Anonymous
Honestly, I would reconsider buying the place in cash if this is a big concern for you, and plan on keeping a big chunk of what would otherwise be purchase price in an investment account that you keep separate. Mortgage rates are still historically very low, and your primary residence is much more (and also less) than a financial asset.
OP
Why would paying cash vs. mortgage affect how I can structure his ownership interest in the house? We live in a community property state but I was assuming that we can put whatever structure we want in the prenup to over-ride the default community property rules. Is that not the case? TIA
Senior Attorney
Yes, you can contract around the community property laws. You just have to be clear about it.
And to answer your original question, I put my former husband on title to my previously-purchased house and lived to regret it. So you are wise to protect yourself.
Anon
In most places, property you have prior to marriage remains your sole and separate property. I would not put your husband on title for that reason. If he’s paying part of the property tax and insurance, that’s just maintenance/running costs, not equity.
But if your home gains in value during your marriage, he would be entitled to half that gain, and you’d have to pay him off if you got divorced. I’d do a prenup around that issue.
Same with your (and his) existing 401ks and other retirement vehicles. If you got divorced, you wouldn’t want to have to track your ex down in 20-30 years when you start drawing down your 401k so you could allocate his portion of the gains to him.
Anonymous
+1
Absolutely this.
He does not gain a % of equity in the house over time. He shares in the gains, as appropriate.
Anonymous
It doesn’t affect how you can structure the ownership interest. If you put less cash in up front, you don’t need to be as concerned about how to deal with gains/losses on the house because your original investment would be “responsible for” a smaller percentage of those gains/losses. You could plow ahead making him joint owner, have the prenup provide that you get back your down payment in any settlement and share equally in the gains/losses.
The reason I suggested this approach is that– absent circumstances like kids from a previous relationship or marriage much later in life– I don’t think it’s a good idea to have one person be the primary owner of your joint residence. You’re being very analytical about this – which is great in many ways- but day to day decisions about where and how you live are going to be emotional.
Anyway, I see above that you’ve said buying in cash is nonnegotiable, so my suggestion doesn’t matter.
Lobbyist
I didn’t have a pre or a post nup and I married and divorced in California. I bought our joint house, with his name on it, with pre marital assets. I paid all mortgage payments. When we divorced, I was able to subtract the amount I had put down from the value of the house and only owed him half of the appreciation on he house. The house had actually declined in value (we bought at a peak) and so I owed him nothing. You can give him a property interest in the house, but you don’t have to.
NYCer
I definitely would not put him on title.
Another option you could agree to in the prenup is that any equity in the house would be split 50/50, but you get your entire initial investment in the house. For example, if you buy the house for $1 million and end up getting divorced when the house is worth $1.5 million, your interest would be worth $1.25 million and your husband’s would be worth $250,000.
Brit
So the scenario you are describing basically makes him whole financially for housing costs paid by him for the duration of your marriage. Irrespective of why the marriage falls apart – e.g. he could leave you for your secretary and you are suggesting that you’d essentially refund him those costs to start his new life with her. That doesn’t make ANY sense to me, as someone who has been in this position before.
The house should legally be yours because you paid for it. Period. I would counsel you to hold fast on this. Your contribution toward housing costs is covered by your CASH PURCHASE of the house. His contribution should be in the form of covering most or all of the carrying costs you describe – presumably that will be WAY LESS than what he would be paying to live a similar lifestyle on his own, so he is getting a massive benefit from YOUR savings/asset. In your shoes, I would volunteer to pay for a portion of the carrying costs rather than agree to put him on title. Most obvious – you should pay the property taxes, since those are deductible. He might then pay for something else – like your household food budget or going out budget – to true things up a bit more.
Please don’t let yourself be taken advantage of by this man.
Anonymous
Dude. She is clearly not allowing herself to be taken advantage of. Stop projecting and calm down.
Senior Attorney
I agree that this post is a little emotional but her economic point is sound. Why would you want to provide him with free housing during a marriage that ultimately ends in divorce?
NOLA
Late to report but got my NAS order and sent back most of it (kind of as usual).
The Halogen Boucle Coat in Lavendar was so pretty, but I was really disappointed with the shape. It’s kind of oversized through the middle, then oddly tapered at the bottom. Completely unflattering.
The Marc Fisher Yentia Chelsea boots look great, but were too narrow and, with just an elastic gusset, were a total pain to get in and out of.
The Louise et Cie Jayant pumps in the lotus tweed are so beautiful that I had to keep them. Love the tweed and the funky heel shape. They also come in wide, so I was able to buy them in my real size (8W rather than 8.5M) and they fit perfectly. They’re the only keeper!
Anonymous
The heels looked uncomfortably high in the pumps – I guess you didn’t find that to be the case? I like that they are in wide too but am scared!
NOLA
I wear heels like that pretty often. That said, they are really stable chunky heels but with that little shape for flair. They’re really comfortable since they fit my foot so well.
anon
Help! Are there any good alternatives to the Express Gramercy tee? I have a few of them, and the V-neck is really deep on me, which limits their versatility. When I layer with a cami, I feel like I’m adjusting my tops all day. I’ve seen them on several other women in professional settings, and they look great, but these women are more chesty than I am. (Basically, I’m looking for a short-sleeved shell that I can buy in seasonal colors and is always available!)
Anonymous
I am going to be caring for my brother’s dog for a few months while he is deployed later this year. We grew up on a hobby farm so were both raised around dogs and are very comfortable with them, etc. and I occasionally dog sit for friends so I’m not totally new to city-dog life — that said, what are some challenges of having a dog in the city I need to prepare for?
I work 5 minutes from home and my SO works mid shift right now so I’m not overly worried about the schedule, though I’m getting our neighbor’s dogwalker information as a backup. And I’m asking him to get her a harness. Any pro tips?
Aunt Jamesina
Is this dog used to city life? Our dog was terrified of the traffic and train noises when we adopted him, so we initially had to plan out our walks for the quietest route possible before he became comfortable. Do you know how she is on a leash, and how she is when leashed around other dogs? (Some dogs are dog-friendly off-leash, but have aggression issues while on a leash).
Anonymous
-Be prepared for the dog to find and try to eat every single piece of trash, discarded piece of food, dead rodent, etc. that you never knew were on your sidewalks. Practice/have your brother practice the “leave it” and “drop it” commands as much as you can in advance.
-Particularly if this dog is a hunting/hound breed, be prepared for it to pull you trying to follow all the new crazy scents in the city. The dog may become overwhelmed and anxious because of the scent overload.
-If you live in a condo/apartment, be prepared that your neighbors may complain about noise.
-And I echo the above that if the dog is used to the suburbs/rural area and is new to the city then be prepared for a lot of anxiety w/r/t crowds, traffic, noises, etc.
Whoops
I am throwing a kid’s birthday party this weekend and just realized I may have way overestimated the number of cupcakes we needed (and therefore ordered too many). I think it is probably too late to notify the bakery. Is it possible to donate this kind of food anywhere? I’m in Houston if anyone knows of anywhere specific.
Veronica Mars
I’d just package them up and let the parents take them into their offices the next day.
Anon in NYC
Yep, let people take them home. Or freeze them for future enjoyment.
Anon
Yes. I’d be delighted to take home a cupcake as a parent, because that way my other kid would get one and believe me, one kid getting to eat a cupcake and the other kid missing out can be a Very Big Injustice in the preschool years.
Anonymous
Eff that, I want the cupcake for myself!
Anon
Nowhere did I say I wasn’t taking one for myself as well ;)
Torin
Most food donation places only accept sealed food, so fresh cupcakes would not be accepted. I would just let people take them home.
MNF
A couple years ago I ran a fundraiser that ended up with platters of left over food at the end of the night. I called the city mission and they were happy to accept the left over trays. In fact, some of the male residents helped me unload my car (which was nice because it was 1 am in a not-great part of town).
Lots of shelters also love to have volunteers bring cakes in for the kids staying there (they often don’t get birthday parties) – so maybe try a women/children shelter.
Anonymous
Second Servings in Houston takes prepared foods that weren’t eaten from banquets and larger events, but I think that this may be too small for that. I would just take them into the office or send extras with parents.
ace
Fire stations are often happy to take open food, at least in my area. I’ve shown up with extra catering/packaged food/etc. after a party before and the firefighters happily accept it.
Pen and Pencil
I am not sure about Houston specifically, but I know for sure that other police and fire stations in the Houston area have rules against taking food. These rules are often ignored, but just FYI.
Anonymous
Is there such a thing as too many cupcakes? Does not compute…
Anonymous
I texted a friend an invite to something tomorrow evening (a big event, and indicated I had an extra ticket) and she hasn’t responded. If she can’t go, I will invite someone else. How long would you give her to respond? I’m getting antsy and thinking I might need to text her something indicating I’m taking her silence as a no and moving on. But how long should I give her to respond? We don’t talk that often but for various reasons I thought she would be a good invite to this event.
Anon
I would give her exactly 24 hours to respond.
Anonymous
Does that change if I texted her early this morning (Friday) for the event on Saturday? (I just found out about my extra ticket).
Mpls
I’d follow up with a deadline “Haven’t heard from you yet – can you let me know by 6pm tonight if you can make it or not? “
Anonymous
Ideally, you would have put a “deadline” in your original invite. I think you can follow up now with something along the lines of: “sorry – I know this request was last minute and you may be out of town or trying to juggle your schedule– I don’t want the ticket to go to waste, so I’m going to plan to invite someone else if I don’t hear from you by X”
Senior Attorney
This.
Anonymous
I would just text back that you need to know by X time (maybe this afternoon/early evening) so that you can find someone else to take the ticket if she can’t. I don’t think that would be weird or rude at all.
Anon
Pick up the phone and call her. Ask. End call.
Anonymous
+1
Anonymous
LOL if she didn’t answer the text yet, what makes you think she’s going to answer the phone?
Anonymous
right?? So true.
Anonymous
Ummm, I don’t know about you, but I work on Fridays. I don’t check text on my phone, since I’m working. But if someone called either my cell or work phone, I could talk for a few minutes.
Anonymous
I always answer a phone call from a friend / family rather than respond to a text quickly. You call when you need to know ASAP.
When you have kids and elderly family members, calls are king.
Linda from HR
As someone who usually gets back to people, but sometimes forgets if I’m preoccupied at the moment I see the text, you might just wanna nudge her with a followup that says “hey, I’d love it if you can come, but I don’t want this ticket to go to waste, if I don’t hear from you by X:00 I’m gonna ask someone else.”
Anonymous
Have any of you here done biglaw for a long time as an associate (like nearing 10 years), gone to the government for a while (5 years) and then gone back to biglaw or midlaw? Going back is something I want to do and that could be doable (maybe – no one ever leaves my agency but it is financial services so it’s not like I’d have to convince law firms of a wildly different skill set). Yet as more time goes by in the government I’m kind of scared of the hours, working 6 days a week, instability etc. Yet I miss client service etc and just don’t see myself as a lifer. FWIW I was at a v30 and don’t want to go back to that kind of firm — I’m happier going to smaller biglaw or midlaw — someplace that may be less up and out and lower hourly rates so I have some shot at business development even if it means less comp. I’ve barelu just talked to recruiters and right now it’s — oh you were at v30, these v15s could be interested as I’m trying to get across that I’m looking for a different thing. Anyone want to share their transition?
Compliance officer wannabe
I am a litigator looking to pivot my career and have been contemplating compliance officer positions. Can anyone share what the day to day tasks of this role?
Anonymous
I assist the CCO at my company. The day to day tasks are: chase after a bunch of people to provide you the information you need, review the information they give you, update the compliance manual periodically to keep in line with best practices. Compliance = mostly chasing after people.
Anonymous
And spreadsheets. Lots and lots of tracking things in spreadsheets.
I’m sure this varies by the organization, but I went from litigation to compliance and truly hated it.
Anonymous
+1 so. Much. Chasing.
Help
In my mid year review, just started crying out of sheer exhaustion and burnout, not because review was bad. Review was actually positive. Context – manager and I have worked together for 6 years, have very good and open and candid relationship. First half of 2017 included SIGNIFICANT personal and professional change and stress. Can’t get into everything here but please believe it was stressful and emotional for all. I had to take on another person’s responsibilities as he was on FMLA so was doing almost two jobs on top of this change. I also just got back from 5 weeks of international and domestic work travel (5 cities, 5 different time zones) so I am physically exhausted.
VP level, 17 years work ex. 2 young kids, DH in equally stressful job. I know it wasn’t great to cry during my review. It was definitely my tiredness and jet lag expressing itself. I want to write my manager an acknowledgement/apology note. What do I say?
Anonymous
Nothing. Move on. Pretend it never happened. I promise you are not the first person this has happened to. I’m sure your manager has had similar things happen. Please don’t stress about this.
Unlimited PTO
What do people think about Unlimited PTO? My company recently switched to this and I’m finding it difficult to navigate. The restriction is “as long as work is on track”, which at this company, it never is due to major infrastructural issues. So do I just ignore this clause and take my vacation?
Linda from HR
It can work depending on how it’s implemented. If you report to someone, consult with them about whether it would be appropriate to take a vacation, if you don’t report to anyone, say “I’m taking a vacation at this time” and just make sure people are prepared, they know who to go to with questions during your absence, and arrange coverage if you need it.
Anonymous
It’s a scam to get around granting real vacation. I’d personally continue to take vacation in the same amount as you always have and schedule the same way. I’d be more aggressive about taking it because your company is no longer banking it for you.
anon
I completely agree!
Anon
This! My firm does it to avoid paying out vacation when people leave (as would otherwise by required by state law). It is one of those things employers do that 95% benefits them more than their employees do, but they sell it in the name of flexibility.
It is only a real benefit if you have an employer who otherwise requires you to be a** in chair from 8:30 to 5;00.
Torin
I’d schedule 4 weeks of actual planned vacations and take as much sick or mental health time as I felt I needed throughout the year (this is usually 3-5 days for me). If that goes well, reassess next year.
My company gives me 5 weeks PTO for both vacation and sick time and it’s use it or lose it. The above is how I actually use mine. Unlimited PTO feels to me like it means take a reasonable amount of time off for vacations and don’t you dare come to the office sick. Emphasis, to me, on the second part.