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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 360 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Scoopneck Cotton Top

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. RAFAELLA Scoopneck Cotton TopRafaella has been making these kinds of tops for years, and I've always liked them. A simple, solid color… a classic, flattering effect like the scalloped detailing here… and a really affordable price. Love it. The cotton top is marked to $15.67 at Lord & Taylor (available in yellow, red, and blue). RAFAELLA Scoopneck Cotton Top Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Comments

  1. Anony

    I really like this shirt, and you can’t argue with the price.

    But I foresee a problem with it, wouldn’t your bra strap show? Would you have to wear a strapless bra?

    • K... in transition

      probably, which might cause bra lines… I find those are more common with strapless than without, for some reason!

    • Daisy

      Agree, I just don’t see anywhere for a bra strap to go unless you wear it practically on your shoulder. Seems to require strapless.

      • Anonymous

        I have this blouse, no problem with straps.

        Only problem I had was the clear tabs meant to keep it on the hanger were itchy…little snip with a scissors solved the problem. I have those no slip hangers so I never used them anyway.

  2. PharmaGirl

    Cute top but I can’t bring myself to shop at Lord and Taylor again, after experiencing seriously rude customer service this week. I wonder if it is specific to where I live or if the attitude of store associates has become pervasive country-wide.

    • Cat

      I was at L&T outside Philly at Christmas, and also had a very rude saleswoman. I was returning a pair of leather gloves that had been a gift (because my dear grandmother forgot she had sent me the same, lovely pair the year before – their gloves are in fact quite soft and nice). The lady at the glove counter raised her eyebrows and said in a very snippy and incredulous voice, as if I must be some ingrate who can’t appreciate quality, “don’t tell me you didn’t like them!”

      • SAlit-a-gator

        Wow, that’s incredibly rude. I don’t blame you for not shopping there again!

    • b23

      I had terrible customer service shopping online with them earlier this year. It seriously got my blood boiling. I have also sworn them off.

      • anon

        Me too! Haven’t shopped there since. Their online customer service is the worst I’ve ever experienced. They quite literally stole my money.

    • onna

      Not L&T, but I was in Whole Foods and the cashier made a comment on something I was buying to the effect “oh, granddaughter wants me to buy that, but they are so expensive” and I a bit…put off?… and wanted to say “You work at Whole Foods. Everything is expensive. Stop judging” I was tempted for half a second to tell her she was right and just take that item off my bill. I know she was just trying to make conversation, but…ick.

      • Monday

        One time I had a bank teller comment on my account balance. No lie. There wasn’t any business reason for her to do it, nor was it going anywhere–it was just an idle remark (“that’s pretty good…”). As if I was going to hang around the window chatting with her about it!

        • ELS

          Wow. Please tell me she didn’t actually state how much you have in your account out loud as well.

          • Monday

            Ha–she might have! I don’t remember anything but how uncomfortable it was. This was many years ago.

        • afl73

          Had a loan officer ask me how it was “even possible” for my student loan balance to be THAT high.

          • Anony

            In my character and fitness interview, the interviewer asked me how I planned to service my debt. Not at all a stressful question. Nope.

        • mamabear

          I was opening a new fancier account at my bank and the officer asked my annual salary. I told him without even thinking about it. He said, “WOW!”

          hahaha

          I initially sort of offended and embarrassed but he actually turned out to be a really good banker (young guy, very enthusiastic) and then I tried to hire him. True story. :)

          • SoCalAtty

            Whenever I deal with financing on anything and the bank/creditor/whatever sees my student loan blanaces, “WOW” is usually the response. Since they have my income too, it is usually “WOW” and then, “well that salary isn’t all that much then, is it?” No, jerk, it isn’t. Yes, it sucks. My debt to income is still below what you need it to be, so just give me the flipping refinance already, ok?!

            I’ve noticed that at smaller credit unions they seem to act like they aren’t used to dealing with even moderate amounts of money. We keep cash in a savings account far away from our normal accounts so we don’t touch it, and we needed to have X amount in reserve for a refinance. I kept asking the mortgage banker how much we needed, and she kept telling me “a lot.” Finally I dragged it out of her, and it was $9k. We had it in the account it needed to be in the next day and she about had a heart attack.

          • karenpadi

            SoCalAtty. That’s why I luv luv luv my bank. It’s a fancy private bank for rich people. They didn’t blink at my 20% down payment for my house. It was just “I’ll get you that cashiers check right away.”

            My credit union…they were shocked that I wanted a credit card with a $5k limit. I could only get a $2k limit “because who would spend more than that in a month?” They’ve never traveled for business…

      • TGIF

        Oh how I hate the dreaded convo with the grocery cashiers. So tired of answering questions about the food I’m purchasing.

        I had someone ask me if SlimFast worked once and then eyeball me up and down. The worst though was before a vacation. At the end of my order on the belt I had shave gel, bikini zone cream, and razors. The guy asked if I was going swimming soon. I felt so icked out.

        • NOLA

          Oh, that’s too bad! At Target, they never seem to know what to say, but I partly go to my independent grocery store because I’ve gotten to know the cashiers and baggers (and know which ones can handle my canvas bags). At Whole Foods, I’ve come to know a couple of the cashiers – one lives in my neighborhood and walks her dog by my house and another is studying for the LSAT and I see her pretty often on campus. Makes me feel homier.

        • LC

          I got the same Slim Fast comment from a cashier, too!! I basically said, “Well, if you have to ask, it’s probably not working well enough.” Same with waiters at restaurants who comment on the amount I ate or how fast I ate it.

        • mamabear

          One of my best guy friends is a self-admitted junk food junkie. His wife is vegan and he doesn’t want to eat what she cooks, so he buys a lot of frozen food for himself.

          At the Safeway register with several frozen pizzas, burritos, chicken nuggets etc. the cashier said, “Boy, you must have a houseful of teenagers!”

          He said, “Nope. Just me.”

          (He actually loves this story and tells it quite often, so I don’t think he was really all that embarrassed.)

      • Elle

        Something similar happened to me too, recently. I was buying a set of four plastic hair clips from Duane Reade that was, like, $4. The cashier said something like, “Cute! But a little expensive, don’t you think?” Umm…

      • Booth Tarkington

        I just don’t see that it’s worth getting worked up over. They’re providing a service where many people are rude and treat them like they should be servile automatons. They might be having a bad day. They might be saying something that the last 5 customers laughed at and responded to in the manner in which it was meant. It’s not going to kill me to be polite or even (gasp) nice back to them.

        • onna

          No – it’s not worth getting worked up over. And I didn’t say anything back – my reflexes just aren’t that good. And goodness knows that I’ve probably stuck my foot in mouth without realizing it. It was just weird. I remember when I was working in a bookstore in HS and my boss specifically told me to refrain from commenting on the books that people bought. I’d mention if I liked a book, but wouldn’t say anything like “Oh, you’re reading THAT? I didn’t know anyone actually bought stuff by that author.”

          • big dipper

            this. i worked as a grocery cashier all through high school and we were trained to “say something nice or say nothing at all.”

    • Anon

      I was buying stinky blue cheese at Trader Joe’s – it comes, as in most stores, in random weight pieces wrapped in clear plastic. The cashier actually said “Eww” when he ringed up this item.

      • JK

        I had a bizarre [but not rude] TJ’s experience. The checkout guy at TJ’s asked me and my husband last week what brought us in today. We looked puzzled and said uhh… groceries? He also asked us if we were going on a walk that day. We were like umm… no? I don’t think so?

        • JT

          The last time I went the cashier asked if I did voiceover work because I looked familiar. Um, no. And there is so much wrong with that statement.

          • JessBee

            Hahaha… thanks, I needed that. In fact, I think I’m going to save that and start asking random people.

        • nona

          I once went into get an oil change and the mechanic (who had the same last name as I do) asked me where I got my last name, and the only thing I could thing to say was “My dad?” I mean, where else do you get your last name (well, your mom, I guess. I know he was trying to figure out if we were related, but it was just phrased so oddly.

        • Alanna of Trebond

          I usually think that the people at our local TJs are hilarious and often helpful–they buy a lot of their own groceries there (for obvious reasons) and if they have a similar palate, can recommend similar (frozen food) items.

          But once one of them kept trying to pick me up (or was just really curious?). I studied ChE (chemical engineering) undergrad and my university gave me a really sweet backpack that I kept using through much of law school. First this guy asked me all these questions about engineering, so I had to explain my life story (seriously, engineering to law is baffling to people). Then I asked him where I could find a bunch of items, including dates to make date bars, and he obviously used this as a pick-up line. I suppose it might have worked on some people.

          • karenpadi

            I can relate to the “engineering to law” being baffling. I have inventors who ask me if I know how coding (like writing programs for a computer) works. Why yes, you do need to be an engineer to write patents…

      • Anon

        Rang up, of course. I get angry every time I think about this incident.

        JK, it’s part of Trader Joe’s “concept” to have the staff chitchat with customers, but not everyone is good at random small talk. I am not.

        • JK

          oh yeah, I know, and usually they are really cheery and make product suggestions or comment on items I buy (i.e. don’t you just LOVE those granola bars? etc) but this guy’s comments were just so awkward. I’m with you, I’m horrible at small talk so I would be a big FAIL at TJs or Whole Foods.

      • TCFKAG

        I think TJ kind of encourages vaguely eccentric cashiers. Its part of the schtick.

        I kind of enjoy it. But I’m vaguely eccentric myself.

    • PollyD

      Heh. Here in the DC suburbs (Maryland side), I find L&T sales people to be nicer than Nordstrom’s salespeople (although the bra ladies are pretty nice). And don’t even get me started on Macy’s. It’s weird, I go to the Macy’s in one of the nicer parts of the area and it just seems so trashy.

      But I’ve pretty much accepted that DC ranks pretty low on the customer service scale.

      • Ellen

        Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I LOVE this shirt, but in RED!!!! The yellow is ickey.

        I also LOVE Lord and Taylor’s store in NYC. You should come here. I go there at LUNCH. The manageing partner came in to my office and spilled his coffee all over the floor and my shoe’s. FOOEY!

        He said he tripped over the chair, but there was NO CHAIR there to trip over.

        I think he should stop stareing at me and get busy by lookeing where he is going. He had his secratery come in to clean it up. He told me he make it up for be b/c he would buy me a lunch at the Kosher deli today! I love DELI sandwiches!

      • JJ

        I had an incredibly snarky salesman at Nordstrom in Dallas before. I was buying a pair of shoes and used a gift card that my secretary gave me for Christmas to pay for part of them. I had used the card before, so I mentioned to the clerk that I didn’t know the exact balance of it. He replied “Well, if whoever gave it to you knows anything about Nordstrom, it should be a lot!” and finished with a haughty sniff.

      • Alanna of Trebond

        It’s because you’re on the Maryland side. Zing! (from the VA suburbs of DC).

        (this is obviously a joke).

        • PollyD

          I’m not offended because it might be true! I totally admit that Tysons Corner beats Montgomery Mall (Westfield Shopping Town blah blah blah) hands down.

    • Bonnie

      I seem to encounter rude salespeople at higher-end stores like Saks and Bloomingdales. I always bite my tongue but one day will comment that they work hourly and don’t actually own the overpriced items in the store.

      • mezzaluna

        I once walked into Cartier and asked if I could have the chain on my watch adjusted. The man looked at me and rudely asked 1) Is it a Cartier? and 2) Did you buy it here? I wanted to punch him. Granted, I was only wearing jeans and a T shirt at the time, but give me a break! Who walks into that store to have their swatch watch tuned up? I wish I could have come up with a snarky come back but having just finished taking the bar exam my brain was too fried to be witty. Bottom line… I agree. Sometimes sales people at high end stores are so rude. (Disclosure – I have and love my Swatch watch, but you get the point…)

        • mezzaluna

          Aaaaand the watch was from that store, which makes the store clerk’s comments unwarranted and gives my comment some context. Guess my brain is fried on Friday afternoons, too :)

    • qwerty

      i swore off neiman marcus a few years ago and am still upset with the customers service incident that led to them being sworn off. long story short: i purchased a pair of sunglasses in a particular color online. the sunglasses came in several color combos. i recieved the wrong color combo. i called them to tell them they made a mistake. my shipping invoice also had the wrong color combo, but my online order confirmation had the correct color combo. for approx. 3 hours customers service told me i was a liar and i was just unhappy with what i ordered so i must be making it up. not sure why i would do this, it was a full price item and i was unhappy i could just return it. after a very long drawn out process, they figured out that their system defaulted my order to a different color because my preferred color had sold out. they gave me 50% off the sunglasses if i wanted to keep the wrong color, and i did. but i still hate them and will not forget the awful way i was treated for several hours on the phone with their terrible CSRs.

      • eastbaybanker

        That’s crazy and awful, but also uncharacteristic, I think. I had the completely wrong coat shipped from Neiman Marcus. They had miscoded an item online. They realized their mistake, apologized, and then expedited shipping of the correct coat at no charge. Although, I do agree that the salespeople are stuck up.

      • SoCalAtty

        I’ve sworn off Neimans as well. I used to get my Sue Wong fancy/ball gown dresses there. I decided to go to the one in SF to look for wedding dresses, and was fully ready to drop $$$$ if I found the right one. There was NO ONE in the store, at all, and the woman in the bridal shop totally ignored me. Then proceeded to tell me they were probably “too expensive” for me. Yes, I was only 26 at the time, but I was wearing designer jeans, carrying a gucci purse, and in general looked put together, so….I don’t know.

        I walked across the street and found one. At Saks. Now Bluefly gets Sue Wong on occasion, so I wait for a sale!

        • mamabear

          Neimans in SF is the WORST. I will shop there online and in other cities but not right here in my hometown. Each and every clerk acts like a complete DOOSH.

          I bought a pair of Cole Haan shoes online from them, and then returned them to the SF store to save return shipping. The clerk acted like I had stepped in something smelly. Cole Haan is pretty low end for the SF shoe department. Not true at other locations.

          • For mb

            Just so u know, whenever I encounter a DOOSH and realize they are one, I actually instantaneously see an image of what I think you look like and then I see the giant letters DOOSH. I’m sure it is creepy to know that strangers are thinking about you during random moments of the day but I just had to share.

      • sugarmagnolia

        You sat on the phone for several hours with customer service and didn’t ask for a supervisor? You have a LOT more patience than me. After 3 minutes I would have been asking for a supervisor.

        • qwerty

          totally asked for supervisors, it was the most ridiculous thing ever. if i recall correctly, i ended up missing a dinner date because of the ordeal. i was called a liar up until the very last minute, at every level. it was beyond believable. i still don’t get WHY i would lie about having ordered a particular color. ughhhh.

    • ChocCityB&R

      I had to chime in with my experience with Lord and Taylor no more than 5 seconds ago. I tried to purchase the above top, but for some reason the free shipping was not registering on the website (and since I went through the trouble of signing up for shoprunner to get the free shipping, I wanted it!). So I called and explained the situation. Well after (no lie) a 20 minute conversation explaining the situation, the guy on the other line said he could make the purchase for me by phone and bypass the internet problems. I gave him the web id and my credit card number, and he gave me the total including shipping. I explained that I had two day free shipping. “Well why didn’t you tell me that before?” Um, that’s why I called bro.

      Whatever, I got my shirt for $11.75 and I won’t be bothering with them again in the future (oh and I’m cancelling that shoprunner subscription right now unless someone here has it and thinks it is a worthwhile service).

      What’s more annoying is he kept making creepy comments about how beautiful my name and my voice is, and how he was going to go the extra mile to help me out because I was so “nice.” Made me really think twice about giving out my address…

  3. AN

    Ooh, nice!

    I think one of the posters on here was looking for a dress or top in yellow…maybe this one would fit the bill!

  4. Lyssa

    Nice, this is th sort of thing that I would wear A LOT.

    How does their sizing run? Also, I can’t decide between yellow or blue! I like the yellow, and I don’t really have anything like that, but, at the same time, as a redhead, yellow can be a challenging color, and I’m afraid that this one may trend a little tiny bit too much towards orange (as the red does, which I immediately ruled out). But, though I can’t think of anything that I have similar to this in blue, I have a feeling I’ll suddenly remember after I order that I have several. Decisions, decisions!

    • NOLA

      With red hair, I think the blue is really nice. I know what you mean about deciding on color – I look good in vivid colors but not dull colors. If something is off from how it appears online, I end up sending it back. Argh.

    • Monday

      In my experience, Rafaella sizing is very large. Even their smallest items have been horribly boxy on me–which I mention because I believe you and I are about the same size.

      • Lyssa

        Hmm, then it’s probably out for me. I have a very hard time with oversized/boxy shirts. Oh, well.

        • Monday

          I wouldn’t order it. But if you love it, you could go in somewhere that carries Rafaella and see if the XS/PP is ok on you. My issue is that I gave up even trying on this brand a while ago because it was always so far off the mark.

  5. Daisy

    My boyfriend’s family is planning a trip together – two couples and mom, for late January 2013.  We’re in the NYC area and want to go somewhere warm and beachy.  The other couple likes diving, snorkeling, spas, etc.  We like light hiking, animals, nature activities.  Mom likes all of the above, plus cultural things like visiting ruins. We’re looking to go for 4-5 nights, and don’t want to have to spend too much time in transit.  We are not looking to do Mexico or Jamaica.  My boyfriend and I have been in Costa Rica recently – ideally we’d do something different, but we really loved it so wouldn’t mind going back to the right resort (we did a more budget trip).  I was thinking Belize might be nice, but very open to other possibilities.
     
    I’ve been tasked with putting together a list of 2-4 options that we all can vote on.  Mom has requested an all-inclusive experience, and wants to be right on or very close to the beach.  She has $ (and will be paying), but I don’t want to offer anything outrageously expensive – and she appreciates a good deal. 
     
    So – any all-inclusive resorts you’ve been to that fit the bill?  I really appreciate the help!!

    • Cat

      Belize is great, but I’m not sure if there are any all inclusives, and it’s a bit of a haul for 4-5 nights.

      Have you thought about Puerto Rico? San Juan has tons of hotel options, and there’s lots to do within an easy driving distance (El Yunque national park has hiking).

      • Cat

        Hm – amending to say that the San Juan area is probably not great for snorkelers / divers. Maybe the DR?

        • Daisy

          Hm – amending to say that the San Juan area is probably not great for snorkelers / divers. Maybe the DR?

          • anon atty

            my husband and I went to san jaun last month. It was wonderful. There is tons of stuff to do, and also a lovely beach if you want to do nothing. Plus, there are casinos which makes night time really fun.

            We stayed at the ritz, which is only about 5 minutes from the airport. if its in your budget, i would highly recommend it. There is also a wonderful hotel called El Convento in Old San Jaun that is really, really cool. I’d highly recommend gettting drinks/tapas there if you dont stay.

      • afl73

        I second Belize – we stayed at Matachica on Ambergris Caye, but it wasn’t all -inclusive and won’t give you the “nature” experience unless you do a few days on the Caye and then a few in the jungle.

    • Lyssa

      Husband and I went to Cancun a few years ago, and it was really nice in a lot of the ways you want. We didn’t stay all-inclusive, but I know that they had them. Hotels were really cheap and nice, there were ruins tours nearby (though we didn’t go on them), very nice snorkling (we didn’t dive, but that looked nice, too), and the beach was absolutely fabulous. The trip was cheap and not very far for us (2.5 hour flight, I think, from ATL).

      The only downside might be that, at least where we stayed (the “strip”), it was very Americanized – everyone spoke English, basically all of the other guests were Americans, we didn’t really have any cultural surprises (well, I was surprised to get refried beans with my eggs one morning, but that was the worst of it. And I like refried beans. Oh, and the roads were hell and the drivers were crazy, but we didn’t spend too much time with that.), etc. Which made for a very easy and relaxing trip, but if you’re looking to “experience” another country more, that might not be for you.

      • SF CPA

        I’ve heard Riviera Maya is great. Near Cancun but its not quite as Americanized. Have not been myself but family friends have been and came back with rave reviews.

        My family has been to Puerto Vallarta and Cancun. We’ve had good experiences with Apple Vacations when booking all-inclusive vacations. They also service more areas than Mexico.

    • Jennifer

      You can do all of those things in Puerto Rico. I suggest spending part of the trip in San Jose and the other half on the West Coast, like Rincon. Then rent a car. You’ll be able to cover the whole island—Yunque Terre for hiking, historic Old San Juan and Ponce, and so many beaches!

    • a.k.

      Take a look at the options in Placencia, Belize. There is Coppola property there – Turtle Inn – that is wonderful. Also the Inn at Roberts Grove, which is less luxe but they have private islands on the reef that you can spend a day or three at. (I got married at the Inn, then we went to a private island, and then spent a week at Turtle. No complaints about any of them.)

      neither are all-inclusive, but it is easy to do the things on your list (except the ruins, which would involve a long car ride). There are tour guides who will take you on hikes in the nearby jungle (a short boat ride away.) And you are also not far away from great diving on the reef.

    • just Karen

      Belize would be great for what you’re talking about! I would look for All Inclusives on Ambergris Caye (I recommend trying to be South of San Pedro rather than North) and do a day tour to the mainland. While it is harder to be north of the idland if you want to spend a lot of time in town (everyone rides golf carts, and the roads on the north end get fairly rough), but I would go against my own advice and have you look at Azul Resort. It is far enough north you may just use the water taxis to get to town, and the food at the restaurant (Rojo Lounge) was absolutely spectacular. The most expensive meal I’ve ever eaten (in part bc of transportation and drinks), but so so yummy.
      In terms of tours, we actually did one that took us to Tikal in Guatemala, then we stayed overnight at San Ignacio, near the border, then did the ATM cave tour on the way back – which was AMAZING, but requires hiking, climbing, swimming, wading… and between the two activities back to back, I was sore for days. There are lots of other mainland tours that are less strenuous though.

  6. K... in transition

    Wondered if anyone else here has endometriosis… didn’t realize I’d never asked that around here until today, but considering that approx. 10 million women have it, I figured there might be an endo sister here that I didn’t know I have!

    • K... in transition

      just got emailed and asked to explain more about endo, so here’s the shortest answer…

      Endometriosis is when the lining of your uter*s grows outside of the uter*s. Because it has no exit strategy the way normal lining does (by shedding during your p*eriod), it continues to grow and can attach itself to organs, causing benign but problematic masses. Unfortunately, many docs don’t recognize the symptoms and the only 100% diagnostic tool is surgery to find the mass(es) (and remove them if possible). Average time from first symptoms to proper diagnosis is between 7-9 years. If your p*er*od is super heavy and/or painful, if you have trouble TTC, or if you have unexplained pain, this might explain it.

      I was also asked to share some of my endo story… shortest version of this one: Symptoms began at 15, was told I was just whiny about what all women experience, pain got worse as I aged. Spent ages 20-25 on constant bed rest and on heavy meds while docs twiddled their thumbs. (completed college classes online, no dating possible, lots and lots of time by myself and watching bad tv) Pain got so bad I couldn’t have s*x or use t*mpons anymore, per*od time meant black out level pain. I took to the internet to try to self-diagnose and learned about endo. Tracked my pain (where on body, what I was doing before, etc.) and ended up finally finding a doc who agreed to do surgery to see if I was right. Masses were found on my uterus (which is why the per*od hurt so much, when the uter*s contracts) and on my lower intestines/bowel area (which was being disturbed during s*x/t*mpon use). I’m currently on hormone therapy and have been in remission for 4 years, however the pain is still pretty bad sometimes and my immune system is permanently compromised.

      But so many women don’t know what endo is, don’t know they have it, are being misdiagnosed, so I’m really big on trying to help women by sharing info (feel free to ask if you have q’s). Also, when I talk to you guys about dating things, about wardrobe, etc., it often comes from a lack of really experiencing and learning the things most career women are picking up from ages 20-25.

      • anon for this

        thanks for sharing this. Although I used to have painful per*ods as a teenager, I don’t think I have endo. However I did have vag*nismus and got over it a year ago. I was on an online support group for this and I suspect that many women who have it probably suffer from endo which makes s*x painful. With vag, it’s hard to figure out the cause (can be physical or psychological or both), so given the prevalence of endo, it may be one more thing for sufferers to consider.

      • WLC

        My doctor just mentioned this to me at the last visit because of the way I described periods, and my trouble TTC. It doesn’t sound anywhere as near as bad as what you went through, I wonder if there are varying levels?

        • Walnut

          I think there are. My periods have been hell since I was 14. I’ve done meds, bc pills, vomited for days, laid in bed for days, etc. I’ve had a couple of ovarian cysts to boot, which are a damn joy. I’m currently using the depo shot to get rid of my period, which seems to be the most effective solution.

          • K... in transition

            yep, WLC, because the lining cells can be anywhere in the body cavity, some women don’t even know they have it until the docs are in there for another reason and discover the cells, others have tiny masses that cause huge issues because of where they attach. Plus different folks experience pain differently. (While mine is pretty bad in some respects, I have some endo sisters who’ve had sections of intestines removed, multiple masses removed in multiple surgeries, etc. so I still feel pretty lucky in some respects). So yep, definitely a spectrum!

      • ss

        Thank you K and all the ladies who’ve shared. The timing is particularly good as a good friend just got diagnosed – she’s very worried but relieved at having a firm diagnosis. I will ask her to have a look at this thread and also the Hystersister forum.

        • Anon

          I checked to make sure it was still there and it is. But I got the name a little wrong. It is HysterSisters (plural) dot com. I found it invaluable both before, during and after my diagnosis of endo. Hope it helps those who need it now.

      • Anon for now

        I checked to make sure it was still there and it is. But I got the name a little wrong. It is HysterSisters (plural) dot com. I found it invaluable both before, during and after my diagnosis of endo. Hope it helps those who need it now.

      • Constance Justice

        Thank you for this.

        I have been having some of the symptoms you describe, and they are getting worse and worse over time. I brought it up to my PCP during a visit, and when I said that it hurts during s*x, she burst out laughing at me and said “well, I can’t help you with that! I don’t know what to tell you.”

        I never returned, but I was also so humiliated, I haven’t followed up with anyone.

        • Herbie

          Constance Justice, that is absolutely awful!!! Find you a lady doctor, and don’t be afraid to shop around. I’ve been through several through the past few years and finally found one who I like as a person, who is competent, and who I actually trust enough to talk about potentially embarrassing issues.

          • K... in transition

            sometimes males are easier, in my experience… some female docs try to compare what they can stand pain-wise to what you should be able to, which skews everything!

          • Herbie

            K… in transition: sorry for the confusion. When I say “lady doctor,” I don’t actually mean a doctor whose gender is female. I use lady doctor as a synonym for gyno/OB.

        • K... in transition

          Oh honey… I’m so so sorry you had to experience that! If it helps, I have one for ya: Went to see a new ob years ago and explained my symptoms and how, based on my own research, I thought it was endo. She asked what I wanted help with. I said that, at 22, I wanted to be able to use t*mpons and have s*x. She said that there are pads for a reason and that my chart said I was unmarried so s*x shouldn’t be a concern. When I protested, she wrote me a scrip. I went home and looked it up to see what it was and it was an internal numbing cream made with petroleum jelly. Not only did she want to essentially make it so I just couldn’t feel s*x, she gave me something that would have hindered c*ndom protection. I wrote an immediate email to every big wig at her hospital and demanded an apology and a $0 balance bill and eventually got the latter, though never the former.

      • IBL

        I do, but I do not have a severe case. I have other problems with my reproductive system, so the endo is like the bottom of the list. I know of others that have it really bad, though.

        I can completely relate to being in so much pain that you can’t move. Even on medicine, I still get that at times.

      • shortiek

        wait, so intense pain/throwing up/passing out are not normal for periods?

        Now I feel a bit stupid. I guess I’ll bring that up with my doctor next time I go.

        • K... in transition

          don’t feel stupid, feel better informed, Shortiek! I’d recommend you read up on endo and start keeping track of when/where you have pain. Also, avoid all soy, soy has estrogen in it and that absolutely is bad for people, even worse for cis women, and worse still for endo gals! (and if this doc poo poos the idea but the research seems true for you, don’t assume the doc is right, it has a huge misdiagnosis rate!) feel free to email any time: munchkin 1616 at juno dot com

          • shortiek

            yay for learning. I’ll do more research before my gyno visit next week.
            Thanks for the support!

          • shortiek

            Yay learning new things.
            I’m going in next week for a checkup and to talk about getting the Mirena IUD, (seems like a good choice so far) so I’ll definitely start doing more research! Thank you for the support :)

            (I also tried to post this like 3 times and have no idea why I keep getting “posting too fast”- I only made one other comment!)

    • Emily I

      My mom had endometriosis. She was lucky and was diagnosed and had surgery when she was 18. At the time she was told she probably wouldn’t be able to have children, but five kids later it turns out that the doctors were (fortunately for me) wrong about that.

      • Anonymous

        Never had surgery to figure out if I have endo, but I had passout/vomit/lay in bed and hope to pass out pain with my periods my entire life. BCPs made in a game of Russian Roulette, where I would have that level of pain about 3 times a year, but it still meant I couldn’t plan things around that time and BCPs caused depression for me as well. Finally, I got to the point where I was ready for a hysterectomy (done having kids). As a last step, I agreed to try the Mirena IUD. Amazingly it worked for me. It took about 6 mos of massively annoying spotting (but no pain), but after that, I stopped having periods — I spot for a day or so a couple of times a year. Honestly life changing.

    • afl73

      Diagnosed in 1998 – under control (for the most part) with birth control pills continuously

    • Mountain Girl

      I had undiagnosed endo for almost 10 years. It must have been difficult to see because at least the gyn’s in separate practices missed it. When I had my hysterectomy a few years ago the gyn was surprised how much endo was actually there. He had suspected that to be the case but could never get a definitive diagnosis so I was glad to have an answer to my problems. The surgery was one of the best things I ever did!

    • Anon

      At age 45 I found out I had advanced stage endometriosis. This was after lots of pain, tests and ultrasounds. I first had a laparoscopy, which is the only way they can see how advanced it is and they try to lazer it off. Mine was so advanced, I ended up with a full hysterectomy, taking everything (uterus and both ovaries). Fortunately I had a son but that did explain why we were not able to have more children. Endo is extremely painful and curing it with surgery was a long journey. But having gotten to the other side of menopause that it forces you into, plus the hormones you have to take afterwards, I can say that I never felt better in my life so it was a blip on the radar. A long blip but one that is no big deal now. There is a website that I found very helpful — Hystersister. It has articles plus an excellent forum and support community. You will get through this and to the other side.

      • K... in transition

        FYI for new readers, a hysterectomy is NOT considered to be a cure for endo. However, for women who have endo masses/scars on those parts, removing the parts = removing the masses = cure for that specific person. For me, for example, a hysterectomy would remove the mass on my uter*s but not the one on my lower intestines/bowel, so it wouldn’t do any good.

        star rainbow the more you know!

        • Anonymous

          K… in transition,

          Not trying to push you to a hysterectomy at all, but wouldn’t a total hysterectomy “cure” the issue? Without the ovaries there to do their montly thing, the endometrial escapee cells would lay dormant. This is at least how it has been explained to me. (I’m anon above who has had wonderful success with Mirena.)

          • K... in transition

            there is NO cure for endo at this time. Take my case, for example. I already have a mass on my lower intestines/bow*l area and there may well be cells floating around. If you removed my uter*s, ovar*ies, and tubes, I’d still have that mass, still have those cells. Not only that, the inside scar tissue from the surgery could give those floating cells something to grab onto, creating another mass. Don’t get me wrong, a hysterectomy is helpful for some women whose masses are on those parts, but often they are required to take horm*ne replacement, which can spark the growth of other cells/masses that are still inside.

    • Coalea

      I don’t but my mom did. Her treatment was a full hysterectomy (i.e., including ovaries) at age 40. This was about 20 years ago; I think there are more treatment options now – and it obviously depends on the severity of the condition.

      Wishing you good health, K!

    • karenpadi

      Let’s just say…it’s one possible explanation for the mysteriously awful periods I started getting at 22. We are talking migraines of the lower back. But endo doesn’t run in my family so it could be something else.

      I didn’t have great insurance, was switching insurance alot, and didn’t want a pre-existing condition. Luckily, birth control pills manage the symptoms nicely. My doctors over the years agree that it’s safe to assume that if the symptoms are managed, the endo (if it is endo–no diagnosis) is managed.

  7. JK

    I loveee this top and have been wanting a cobalt top to add into my work wardrobe. Just bought it in blue! :)

  8. K... in transition

    not my style really (which some might say means I should consider it) but I always love Fridays, it’s the only time clothes get posted that I might be able to afford!

    • edj3

      Yeah I don’t care for this at all either. I mean nothing about it appeals to me :-(

  9. NOLA

    Early TJ – I like the Friday morning thread sooo much better than the weekend.

    I have not really been buying my Dad gifts recently. I just have no idea what to get him. He isn’t into most of the traditional “Dad” things that I’ve looked at. He loves to read historical nonfiction but I think he has a Kindle now, he golfs a lot but he’s not a really good golfer, he grills but isn’t really into it like some people are, he travels a fair amount but isn’t really into stuff. He’s 75 and basically buys what he needs and lives a pretty quiet life. Is it ok that I just get him a card for Father’s Day or am I missing something?

    • JK

      You could get him a kindle giftcard, perhaps? I got that as a gift before and loved that. I know giftcards are less personal, but if he likes to read it might be a good one!

    • Daisy

      Does he drink? A nice bottle of scotch or wine is my go-to for my impossible to shop for father.

      • NOLA

        Nope. He never drank at all when I was growing up. Now he drinks the occasional glass of wine but isn’t really into it.

    • Walnut

      I’ve given my dad a giant can of Planters mixed nuts and a bag of mini Snickers for as long as I can remember. Any other gifts I’ve spinkled in have been along the lines of habanero jelly one year or local summer sausage from my farmers market. He buys himself anything he wants, but the man does love food. So…I buy him his favorites and whatever I think he’d like to sample.

      • NOLA

        The only thing my Dad absolutely loves like that is Whoopie pies. He’s a pretty picky eater (wouldn’t eat a thing I ever cooked when I was living there post-K) but he does like sweets. I live really far from him so anything I buy will have to be shipped.

        • Marilla

          Gilt Taste has or used to have fancy Whoopie pies.. maybe that would be cute?

          • NOLA

            The XO whoopie pies are adorable! He normally just treats himself to one at the farmer’s market but this could be a cute idea for another time.

          • PJ

            I sent the whoopie pies from Cranberry Island Kitchen that are on Gilt and my nieces loved them. He can always freeze them if you send him a dozen of them.

        • PollyD

          My dad is more of a savory food person, but one year I went to World Market and bought a bunch of the little sample foods – nuts, sausage, mustards, fancy little pretzels and crackers, things like that. He really enjoyed it.

          This year I am contemplating making a mix CD. He does apparently listen to music while he’s working. For Christmas I put together a CD of off-the-beaten-track holiday songs and it seems he liked it. So this year I might introduce my 73-year-old father to Adele.

          • NOLA

            Cute idea. Unfortunately, I think when my Dad and stepmother listen to music, they mostly turn on the TV to the easy listening station (Groan). He likes the oldies! They’re pretty “vanilla” people.

    • nona

      Of course it’s okay. If he’s not really into having “stuff” then why load him up with more of it. My mom is kind of the same way – she’s trying to purge the stuff she has and limit how much more of it comes in, so Christmas is always a challenge.

      If you still want to do something with/for him, I’d go for an experiential gift – tickets to something or a gift card to a restaurant him likes/wants to try. Is it feasible for you to spend time with him on the day? Make him dinner? Go do something (museum, theater, park, zoo)?

      • NOLA

        Nope, not feasible. I’m in Louisiana and he is in the woods in central PA. There aren’t many restaurants near them.

      • nona

        Or a plant – does he have any indoor plants? It’s like having cut flowers but it lasts longer. And it’s still okay if it accidentally gets killed.

        • NOLA

          They have a beautiful yard and garden and often have cut flowers in the house. I have sent my stepmother something like an amaryllis and they both love it.

          • nona

            Does he do any of the gardening? Or is that all her?

            And even if they do have cut flowers, you could still send a plant. And a picture of you (either as an adult or a little girl) on a stick to stick in the plant so he is always reminded of you when he sees it?

          • NOLA

            Actually, this gives me an idea – one of my friends recently took a really old family photo album of mine (from the late sixties) and scanned and corrected all of the photographs. It’s sad because my mom took all of the pictures so she’s not in a single one, but there’s a really cute one of my Dad holding me on Easter Sunday morning in front of our giant forsythia bush. My Dad has a buzz cut and he’s in a suit and I was wearing a matching pink coat and bonnet. I was about 3 years old. If I can manage it, I’m going to see if my friend can send me that picture. I’ll get SO to print it on his photo printer and I’ll frame it and send it to my Dad. Yay! Thanks for the idea!

      • K... in transition

        yes, this! Spend time with him doing something you know he’d enjoy (even if it’s not your thing). Even better, take photos together doing it. Best yet? Immediately when you get home (or in your car), write down everything you can remember about the time you just shared. Someday, you’ll be truly glad to have the details of the day and photos to look back on!

        • NOLA

          Good idea except (see above), I don’t live anywhere near him. The last time we were together, I took what turned out to be a really cute picture of my teenage nephews. I had it printed and framed and I sent it to him. That has to be his favorite recent gift!

          • K... in transition

            So he’s sentimental… what if you took some time and wrote down some of your favorite memories with him and sent him that? If you have the time, you could do it in a word doc and incorporate photos too, like a mini book or something… or just hand-write him a letter telling him why you’re grateful he’s in your life. You can still share an experience that way. OR mail him a snack and tell him not to open the box til a certain day. Then you buy the same snack and talk on the phone while you both eat it so you can share a snack together from a distance.

          • NOLA

            The funny thing about this is that I was really in a hurry so I just had the framed photographs shipped from a local shipping place and didn’t even include a card (it was just a little surprise gift after Christmas). My Dad called me to see if I was the person who sent it. Really?? I’m the only person he knows in Louisiana and who else would have taken that picture!!

    • Midwesterner

      I’m in the same boat. My dad hates “stuff” and hates when I spend money on stuff he doesn’t need or want. So I got him a nice card and a bottle of gin. That’s will not go to waste!

    • CoCo

      I have this issue with my dad, although he has even fewer hobbies and no Kindle. So I got him a shirt.

      Any food items? That’s my usual go to thing – he likes a few things from Trader Joe’s, which they don’t have. Or a gift certificate for an ‘experience’ thing or tickets to a play?

    • SpaceMountain

      Photo books, photo calendars, scan those funny old snapshots from ages ago and make them into something.

    • TCFKAG

      A couple of days I went into Ten Thousand Villages and got my dad a Carved Owl made out of Hatian riverstone, because he’s an amateur geologist whose done some fundraising work in Haiti. Its the first time in years I feel like I’ve nailed it.

      Dads are hard, but Ten Thousand villages has tons of cool weird stuff! Also, if he’s a bit of a nerd, maybe the website with the nerd stuff I can’t remember. Or etsy? You could get him like a custom chess board or something silly like that.

    • Constance Justice

      My dad has an aversion to people buying gifts for him. In recent years I’ve settled on giving him a cute card, maybe something small and nerdy from thinkgeek, baking or cooking a meal or dessert that my mother would not normally make, or taking him to minor league baseball games.

    • Senior Attorney

      If you want to pick out a book for him, you can buy a Kindle book on Amazon as a gift. He’ll get an email with a link to download it to his Kindle. Or you can have the link emailed to you and you can send it to him on your timetable. I fo this all the time for my mom.

      But I also think it’s fine to just get him a card, maybe with a nice heartfelt note.

      • NOLA

        Oh my Dad is so not tech-savvy! I’m pretty sure my stepmother probably does anything associated with his Kindle. He can barely manage email.

    • Research, Not Law

      Does he need a kindle cover?

      My father is very similar. I have given him misc items that I think he’ll like (bbq sauces and marinades, a remote control holder, etc) or photo products. I like k’s idea of writing down a memory or ‘sharing’ a snack with him. I’d suggest a webcam, so that he can video chat with you and other family. What I’ve mainly go to is giving him just a card and a phone call and then giving him something big every couple of years. I’ll recuit siblings and mom to contribute, too. For example, new lawn furniture or an ipad.

      • NOLA

        My Dad would get into the writing down a memory. He has written several autobiographical documents for us. He really gets into it. He would so not get the sharing a snack idea. He’s… how do I say it?… socially awkward. He’s really sweet and caring but totally would not get that.

    • mamabear

      I think a card is fine, NOLA. My mom is 72 and really does not want more “stuff.” She’d be happier with a visit, really, but a card expressing heartfelt sentiment would be just fine with her.

      • NOLA

        Thanks, mamabear. With me being so far away and them being so remote, visits are hard, although I have often gone to visit them in August when it’s really nice there and so hot and humid here. I think I’m going to do a card and framed photograph of the two of us that I know he doesn’t have.

    • Leslie Knope

      I have the same situation with my grandmother. She doesn’t want any more stuff, and every time I see her, she tries to give me household stuff like potholders to “clear the clutter.”

      I usually give a donation in her name to Heifer International or similar organizations. They will send a really nice “honor card” if you request it. My grandmother loves showing that to her friends.

      Note: I once set up a Kiva account with some pre-loaded funds, but she wasn’t really interested in picking out the specific business.

  10. b23

    I’ve always wondered if you could see up girls’ dresses through the inside stairs at our firm, and then today, I looked up and saw a colleague’s . . . . well, everything. I’m kind of horrified, honestly. Pencil skirts from now on, I guess.

    Should I say something to someone?

      • AIMS

        This is why I hate modern architecture. That and the fact that I have walked straight into more than 1 glass staircase in my time, most recently in the TopShop on Broadway. Ouch.

    • Bluejay

      I’d say something to HR immediately, and I’d start wearing bike shorts under my skirts.

    • ss

      Yes, do say something, HR or building management should do the trick. I used to work where a glass and steel staircase connected the trading floor to management offices. Needless to say, we didn’t have many women traders or management.

    • Anonymous

      What would HR do w the info, or the bldg manager, etc.? The building is built.

      • anon

        Put carpeting on the stairs? Put something on the bottom side of the stairs? Rearrange furniture so people aren’t as likely to be standing under the stairs? Depends on the particular building.

      • JessBee

        Warn folks in skirts to take the elevator (if there is one)? Alert the Powers That Be?
        HR should be told, regardless of whether they can actually fix the stairs, given the potential for…ickyness.

      • Bluejay

        They would do something that would be less expensive than losing a lawsuit for creating conditions for sexual harassment. Once they’re made aware of the problem, they’re liable if some woman discovers a pervy coworker standing below watching her go up the stairs.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      My local court house, not the one Lyssa cited, built a new building w/ glass staircases and bathrooms! In the bathrooms you were supposed to be able to see out, not it. A judge warned about dresses/skirts and the glass floor. She also, rumor has it, learned the hard way that one pane of “one way” glass had been installed backwards in her private bathroom in chambers. She turned it into a joke though and said “now, instead of looking out my window and seeing vagrants in the park peeing, vagrants in the park can look up to my window and watch me pee!” It was fixed quite quickly.

      • Beach Bar

        The glass bathroom door thing is so weird. Even if installed properly, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to see out at the people washing their hands/waiting in line while squatting in the stall. And I know it would take me forever to not jump when I saw a person walk in before I realized they couldn’t see me back.

    • anon

      Kind of / not really related. In the Bridgwater mall L&T they used to have dressing rooms on the first floor below an escalator between the first and second floor. The top of the dressing rooms were these open wood panel type things with space between each panel, and you could VERY easily see into the dressing rooms. They were men’s dressing rooms, which for some reason seems less scandalous to me, so I never said anything… but someone must have eventually caught on because they have since changed!

  11. Praxidike

    Love this blouse. I think I will try it out.

    Just a shot in the dark here – is anyone else attending the Farm Bureau Legal Execs Conference in Biloxi the week after next? If so, let me know! I will be there and won’t know anyone else since I am the only lawyer at my company.

    • Bluejay

      No, but I am suddenly really, really glad that I do not have to attend a conference in Mississippi in June!

      • Praxidike

        LOL, I assume you mean because of the weather and not because I’m going to be there. ;)

        It assume it will be sweltering. The plan is to wear as many skirts as possible, along with as much cotton and linen as possible. Oh well… I guess everything is air-conditioned anyway!

        • Bluejay

          Yes, definitely because of the weather. It would be delightful to meet you.

          The problem with the deep south is that it’s scorching and humid outside, and 65 degrees inside. You’ll be cold in skirts and linen indoors. You can’t win.

          • NOLA

            Welcome to my life! I dressed for indoors the other day (wearing a cotton and cashmere sweater) and ended up going out to run an errand with a colleague. I was dying.

            I don’t know much about Biloxi other than the casinos (and I’ve never been to them either). We’ve been having decent weather but when it rains (like now), it’s like a sauna.

          • Praxidike

            You’re probably right about the clothes. Maybe I will just grin and bear it. I’ve only lived in Jersey and Wisconsin, so I am definitely not accustomed to the type of humidity/heat they get down south. My husband – who has MS relatives – had the option of going all expenses paid, and he said, “Not a chance.”

    • Gail the Goldfish

      No, but my brother used to live in Biloxi, and if you need a restaurant suggestion, I recommend Half Shell in downtown Gulfport (it’s right down the road from Biloxi. And when I say downtown Gulfport, I mean there’s like 20 buildings, so you should be able to find it. It’s near the post office).

      Also, Biloxi is the only place I’ve ever seen that has a beach-front Waffle House. So there’s that.

      • Praxidike

        Thanks for the rec! I’ve never been down in the south before, so I am really looking forward to the food.

        • Gail the Goldfish

          The Voodoo Shrimp at Half Shell is really good, as were the fried green tomatoes. I think I remember the key lime pie not being great, so maybe try a different dessert.

          If you’ve never been south and never been to a Waffle House, you should go just for the experience. (It’s like an IHOP, except… not). I mean, the food is greasy spoon diner breakfast food, and I’m not promising it’s good. But it’s a Southern cultural icon, and everyone should try it once in their life.

        • Virginia

          I won’t be there, but my bf is from Biloxi with family still there, and I have to recommend po’ boys from Fayard’s in Ocean Springs (get it fully pressed so you can eat eat it). Also, downtown Ocean Springs (across the back bay on the Hwy 90 bridge) has several cute shops and restaurants and is nice for strolling. I definitely agree with other posters re: air conditioning. Most of the hotels are connected to casinos and are absolutely arctic. I am happy to give more rec’s if you want- bf just got back from a visit a few weeks ago.

      • Praxidike

        We need a forum for conferences! Then we can show our statement nails to each other, which is like a secret handshake.

    • CountC

      I am not, but I am jealous! I worked for a state bureau of ag for a short time and absolutely loved it. I wish I could get back into it but now I live in suburbia. My only chance is the USDA!

  12. t.

    Oh, that top is lovely. Too bad I’m not somewhere I can buy it!

    TJ… Ladies, I need some help figuring out how to help my friend with her sartorial choices, if she needs help.

    So my best friend has gotten a job in a tech firm. Yay! Their dress code is business casual. Except the business part seems to have completely gone over her head. Think worn, baggy jeans and ill-fitting sports jerseys and band shirts. And when I try to gently point out to her that she should consider stepping it up a notch or two, we get into this endless cycle of ‘but it shouldn’t MATTER how I dress if my work is good! People shouldn’t be judgmental about things like that!’ Except it does, and they are, and I can’t seem to get her to realize that. (I get that this is a KYO thing, but I am familiar with her office- I used to work in the industry myself before I changed careers.) I’m at a loss as to how to make her understand that her fashion sense is making her stand out, but not in a good way. Then again, in my current industry skirt suits and hose is the general rule, so I’m not sure if I’m overreacting.

    Long story short: My best friend is a fashion disaster, and doesn’t seem to understand the concept of following a dress code even loosely. Should I keep trying to help or just back off and let the chips fall where they may?

      • momentsofabsurdity

        I really want to dress awfully for a couple of months and make my friends submit me to Stacy and Clinton. Like…. really.

        • JJ

          Off topic, but my sister and I joke about dressing horribly and submitting each other for that show so we can meet Stacy and Clinton.

        • JessBee

          Me too! Although I secretly fear that I wouldn’t need to “dress horribly”…

      • KLG

        I would so so so love Stacy and Clinton to help me!!!! I feel really good about my work wardrobe (suits) but I’m at such a loss outside of it. Goodness help me if I ever end up in a business casual environment.

    • Em

      Mmm, she’s an adult, she knows you’re available to help if she wants it, and she knows your opinion. I think you have to leave it there.

      Or you could nominate her for What Not to Wear. $5,000 of free clothes might smooth things over.

      • JessC

        I’m pretty sure they’ll go just about anywhere if your friend is enough of a fashion disaster.

        You friend has a point – it SHOULDN’T matter what she wears, only her work product should. But this is the real world where people judge and it does matter. And one woman in an oversized jersey probably isn’t going to change that.

        For now, it sounds like you’ve done all you can do. When/if she directly sees the consequenses of not caring about her appearance (she doesn’t get invited to a client meeting, she gets passed for promotion, etc), then she may decide she wants to change. Until then, I wouldn’t push her too hard on it (though gentle, friendly suggestions are probably ok) lest you risk damaging your friendship.

    • K... in transition

      I’m with her; it shouldn’t matter and comfort takes priority. That said, it also means I don’t always pay attention to fashion or know how to translate it to me. I’d guess she might be similar. So, as her best friend, if you’re sure she’s underdressing, put your foot down. Go with her to a store and help her find clothing that’s appropriate and as comfy as possible. Show her what looks good on her body and do it in a way that feels like fun bonding time rather than her being too stupid to know something she ought to.

    • edj3

      Does she want to move up in the company? How does her supervisor dress? Those are the questions I’d start with.

    • lawsuited

      When I left my previous office to go to law school, I got my friend hired there as my replacement, and there was some overlap so that I could train her. It was her first office job, she was a fashion disaster, and I knew eyebrows were raised at how she dressed. I handled it by gifting her a pair of low-heeled black patent pumps (a lower-end designer, so not crazy expensive but nice enough to be a gift) and then saying we should go on a shopping trip to complete to outfit. I framed it in a let’s-celebrate-your-new-job kind of way. During the shopping trip I steered her towards some busines casual basics, and said a lot of things like “[Name of young woman in the office] swears by these pants” and “I have a lot of blouses like this because they’re appropriate for our office and I can wear them on weekends” and “A blazer might help you look older and more professional so clients trust you” etc., etc. It worked out well, but largely because I was gentle about it so she still loved everything she bought. She’s doing really well at the company, and we still shop together often.

    • TNT

      I have/had a friend like this (we are phasing out, but not because of this)…anyway what worked for me, was when we were having coffee one day, I asked her to play a game with me, and asked her what she thought different people did for a living.

      Some were easy (people walking in wearing scrubs with the hospital logo), some weren’t, but even my “but it shouldn’t MATTER” friend reailsed after a while that she was making some fairly big judgment calls based on hair and shoes and what kind of bag people were carrying etc.

      I can’t say it turned things around entirely, but it did make an impression and she started trying a little harder after that.

  13. Cornellian

    threadjack!

    My estranged father has recently been trying to pick up contact with me. We were never close, but he told me never to contact him again when I was 20 (I’m 25), and I happily complied. He’s a pretty toxic person to be around: an alcoholic, manipulative, immature, a criminal, delusional, jealous. There’s a huge back story that I’m not sure is relevant, but my basic question is: do you keep toxic family members around? How do you manage them?

    I’m inclined not to respond to his overtures at all. I have a half-sister that’s 17 years older and she cut off contact with him when I was 1 or 2, and it’s totally clear to me why now. He was not interested in a relationship when I was a kid or a starving grad student, and he popped up again as soon as I started earning a six-figure income. I’m also not sure that I can behave like the person I want to be around him. He’s blamed me for my mother’s death when I was a kid, called me four letter words in restaurants as a sixteen year old, and tried to sue me for my mother’s life insurance when she passed away. I don’t know if I can ever get over that, and I’m not really inclined to waste my energy trying on someone like him. I just have this 1% of me that would like to have a living parental figure around, and who takes pity on the sad, lonely old man that my father has become. Thoughts? Do I respond to him? how do I make my terms clear? Do I just ignore him? Thanks in advance!

    • DC Darling

      I hate to say it but toxic family members should be cut out. I know you want to have that relationship with him but if you know it’ll end up causing more heartache, I would walk away.

      Backstory- my mother was not well received into my father’s family and in my later years I am finally understanding how hard it must have been for her to pick up, move 3000 miles away from family to move in with people that looked down on her and generally treated her awfully. She tried for a few years when I was a kid to forge a relationship (mostly for my sake, my best friends were all cousins) but when I got old enough to hang out with my friends alone, she gave it up. Never been happier.

    • Walnut

      Completely ignore. Change your number if necessary. Protection order if he gets ridiculous.

      • Cornellian

        Yeah, he had private eyes on my half sister when I was young and I’m sure he has one on me now. I’m looking forward to the day he calls my work! I already prepped my mentor/supervisor, but I’m not sure what else I can do about that.

        • K... in transition

          you might be able to gain an order of protection based on this too? not an expert on this but I can’t imagine he could have a PI on you when he’s been legally told to leave you alone.

    • edj3

      I’ve been in your shoes; I briefly tried again in my 20s and he quickly showed that he had not changed. Fast forward years later–he’s died and I’m relieved. Yes, relieved. He was my father in the biological sense but that’s it and the damage he caused to all family members continues to reverberate.

      Trust your instincts. If they are saying no way, then listen.

    • K... in transition

      I’m unclear as to whether you truly want him in your life or if you’re asking for help keeping him out. He sounds like an incredibly poisonous person and you didn’t give any reason you’d benefit from him being back in your life.

      If you want him out, contact him by email (phone if you don’t have his email) and tell him that you are not interested in having him in your life and ask him not to contact you anymore. Be firm, wish him well, and hang up. If he contacts you again, repeat what you said and state that, if he contacts you again, you will apply for a no-contact order. If he tries a 3rd time, get the order.

      He is clearly someone who wants to hurt you, he is a financial risk (as well as emotional and such), and you are way too awesome to ever have such a black h*le in your life!

    • Bluejay

      I have a toxic mother. I talk to her once or twice a month, and see her once every two years or so, always in a controlled environment (i.e. if I go to visit her, I stay in a hotel, not her house; sometimes we both go to a city where neither of us lives to visit extended family, and I stay with a different extended family member than she does). When I talk to her, we don’t talk about anything serious. If she ticks me off or is inappropriate, I end the conversation/leave the room.

      I don’t want to have no relationship with my mother. I realized in my mid-20s that she’s not the way she is deliberately, but because alcoholism and mental illness are a disease, and that losing contact with her only child would make her suffer more. For a long time I didn’t care if she suffered, but as I matured I realized that I wanted to take the high road in our relationship. It also helped that, as I got older and further from my childhood, I wasn’t angry at her anymore; I really just stopped caring. My father told me when I was a teenager, when I asked him if he hated my mother, that he didn’t hate her; he just didn’t care or think about her at all (they are long divorced). At the time I didn’t understand, but 10 years later it made perfect sense.

      The worst aspect of my estrangement from my mother is how other people, who have no idea what it’s like to grow up with an abusive parent, perceive me. They say things like “oh, it must be so awful to spend Christmas alone!”, “You haven’t seen your mom in 2 years? Wow, you must miss her.”, “You must be so worried about your mom since her heart attack; why don’t you take some time off and visit?” and nonsense like that. I have occasionally been tempted to lie and say she’s dead (awful, I know). People react like I’m some sort of evil b!tch when I say that I don’t get along with her. Usually I just don’t mention her at all, or if I’m forced to, I just smile and nod along with whatever nonsense they’re spouting and change the subject.

      Anyway, sorry for the long response. TL;DR: My advice is to maintain a polite but distant relationship and set, and enforce, physical and emotional boundaries.

      • Cornellian

        distant and polite was my approach in college. He would call me all of the time to yell about things, I would put him on speakerphone, make sounds of assent, and wander around the room, plus occasionally see him for dinner or someone’s graduation.

        I get what you’re saying with peoples’ reactions… I sometimes want to shake people by the shoulders and make them understand. I keep warm relationships with my sister, cousins, etc., I’m not a frigid b*tch.. he’s just seriously abusive.

        I think not having contact with him does break his heart, but that he’s really worried about his pocketbook. He’s 74 and hasn’t had a real job since before I was born… he lived off of me briefly when I was a teenager, my mother before that, and his wife before that. I would be okay with a relationship where I send him a Christmas card, but I’m not sure that’s what he’s interested in at all.

        Thanks for the long response!

        • Bluejay

          I’ll admit that I send my mom money. I can afford it, and it doesn’t cost me anything emotionally either. But that doesn’t appear to be her primary motivation for maintaining a relationship with me, and I just view it as charity, similar to donating to any other charity that supports people with mental health issues. I’m pretty confident she isn’t spending it on alcohol, though, and would probably feel differently if she was.

    • Circe

      Do not open yourself up to being hurt or manipulated. He has made it clear that he doesn’t respect your terms already. Why open Pandora’s box? Ignore him and find a therapist so that you can be more equipped to deal with him when he shows up again. Toxic people are easier to handle with a toolkit.

    • Anonymous

      I would ignore without a second thought. IMHO, family are the people who care about you and are in it for the long haul. Blood relation is neither necessary, nor sufficient. Life’s too short.

    • Anon

      This may be out of left field, but I would make sure that you have a will and all of those things squared away so that he cannot be contacted as your next of kin in case of emergency. I have a somewhat estranged father, and I always worry that he would show up in the nick of time to get hands on money/cause problems for other people in my family. The fact that he is showing up now that you are making money is a big red flag to me. Make sure that you take care of yourself and those around you.

      I think that it is hard to cut off your parents, because part of us always wants them in our lives. You need to make sure to take care of yourself. You can test the waters if you want to see if he has changed his ways, but often times people tell you who they are from the beginning -so pay attention.

      • Bluejay

        Oh, yeah, great point. I made a will specifically to ensure that my mother will not get anything I truly care about if I die (like my pets). She is a beneficiary of my life insurance policy, though, because I want to make sure she will be taken care of in her old age.

        • Cornellian

          haha, way ahead of you. Got a will at 18 to keep everything out of his hands. But good advice! for all of us!

          My father has a bit of a Peter Pan complex and seems to think he’ll always be young. He always talks about how women over 50 are so old and gross (at 74), and has always rejected my inquiries in to his old age plans (no way in hell is he coming anywhere near me, even if it were financially feasible). He has somehow managed not to need glasses, to START graying at 65, to survive 3 heart attacks easily despite putting butter on burgers and smoking, etc. I suspect the whole thing is crumbling a bit, and he’s scared.

          • CA Atty

            FWIW, to add my voice to the chorus, I just don’t think you need this leech in your life. He most likely wants to live off you, which is why he’s showing up now. You don’t need it!

            On the other hand, how would you feel if you got a phone call today telling you he died? Would you regret not giving him a chance? And not giving yourself a chance to see if he’s changed? In my experience, people don’t change all that much just because they’re getting old/dying. If they were good people before, they stay good people, if they were selfish a-holes before…

            It doesn’t really sound like you have kids, but think about that too. If you do/were to, would you want them to know their grandfather? Unfortunately, life doesn’t turn out like books and movies, and sometimes for your own good you have to take the “unpopular” position of cutting a cancerous person out of your life.

            Ultimately, only you can make this decision, and you know the hive will stand behind you no matter what. :-)

          • anon

            Whoa! She said her father is abusive and a leech. I don’t think we should start exposing grandchilden to him.

    • Anonymous

      Parental figure, yes. This guy isn’t one, though. Find one, be one. Don’t compound your hurt and safety by trying to will this guy into being one. You sound wonderful. Spend your wondetfulness on someone who deserves you.

  14. momentsofabsurdity

    Guys, I am SERIOUSLY digging this skirt. Do you think its too jail-birdy? I feel like I would love to wander around town wearing what that model is wearing with pretty flip flops and light dangly earrings.

  15. DC Darling

    Shopping TJ- Desperately in need of a lovely large leather tote. Preferably lightweight (I’ve been eyeing the Longchamps planetes tonal but can’t bring myself to pay 200$ for plastic) preferably under 200 with a zip close. Would be happy with black but would love a muted color that I could wear every day. Currently in love with green and coral-ish red.

    Am also looking for a few sheath dresses. Pencil skirt, Ideally with elbow length sleeves in conservative colors. I wear a 2-4 in dresses. I have been looking around my trusty Ann Taylor and all of their things are boxy and overly baggy. Have been looking at the Target dresses but am worried about the quality, wear and frankly whether or not they look cheap. Any help appreciated!

    Also, two ladies in my office are getting married and having to listen to their ever increasing discussion about napkin placement and centerpieces is driving me nuts.

      • DC Darling

        I have been looking at heartmycloset for awhile now and might just take the plunge as I have finally hit the plateau of weight loss. That and the fact that I can’t find dresses with sleeves anywhere else. Thanks for the rec though!

      • DC Darling

        Unfortunately just a bit too casual for my office.

        Should’ve mentioned it needs to double as a work purse.

      • KS

        I can’t believe this is from LL Bean! It looks like a Coach bag. I would buy it right now but for the reviews indicating that the straps are a bit too short to carry the bag on your shoulder.

    • ks

      LLBean Town and Field tote. Large, leather, zips, 3 color choices, $159. Seriously love mine.

    • AIMS

      If you’re into something on the conservative side, Brooks Brothers has their Pebble Calf Large Shopper Tote on sale in a few colors for $98 or so. Go to BB –> Sale –> Handbags.
      It’s large, zippered, and has good reviews.

      Slightly more fun but sans zipper, if you go to Neiman Marcus Last Call, they have a lot of their NM brand totes on sale for about $75. Really cute for summer, colorblocked but not in a “will be dated in 5 minutes” way, and I can tell you that even though it’s “faux” leather, they feel and look great. They have many varieties, both North/South and East/West.

      • DC Jenny

        Wow, those are some great deals on the BB bags. I’m really tempted, but I just ordered a new Kate Spade yesterday. Hmmmm..

      • Rose in Bloom

        I bought on of the BB totes (I’m on a work bag hunt… see below) in dark green and I love it. The leather is really soft and it is roomy. It isn’t very structured and there is only one small interior pocket area for cellphone etc., but I don’t like lots of compartments and the lack of structure isn’t a problem if you have enough in the bag.

      • DC Darling

        Great find. Thanks for the heads up. Will be going in store to check it out.

        (I have to try things on, even purses)

      • shortiek

        Is it relatively easy to add a lining to a purse?

        I’m tempted by the BB tote, but the fact that it’s unlined has me hesitating.

        • Rose in Bloom

          I don’t know anything about adding lining to a purse (I imagine a cobbler or maybe even if tailor could fix it), but I haven’t minded it mine not having the lining. Although the leather is colored, it has not yet rubbed off on anything light colored in the bag. The leather also hasn’t been damaged by keys or other pointy things that fly around loose in my bag.

          Also, the bottom of the bag is lined.

    • qwerty

      I recommend this way too often, but i’m still obsessed with foley + corinna’s city tote. i have a few and love them just as much as i did when i bought my first one a few years ago. for the largest size, retail is about $500, but you should be able to find one on sale for about $250. my favorite one i own is a muted elephant gray patent snake print, but i also have a taupe metallic that is the best and matches everything.

    • Anon23

      I have been searching for a large leather tote to double as purse/work bag as well. Found some amazing items at Adeleshop on Etsy. I think some of their bags are still on sale. I ordered a bag early this week and haven’t received it yet, but the reviews are all super positive.

      • Research, Not Law

        Wow, thanks for the tip. Let us know what you think when it arrives!!

      • DC Darling

        Love this. Especially in the cherry. I am forever hating when I put my tote down and it immediately sags like a sad sack. Thanks mamabear!

  16. TCFKAG

    Guys — quick job application question.

    If a job application asks you “Did you resign?” Does that just mean “Did you leave voluntarily” in which case you should answer yes when you left a job to say go to law school or to leave an internship to go back to school and should only answer no if you were laid off or terminated? Or does it mean something more weighted (in my mind “resigning” carries heavier weight then just leaving on good terms or in the normal course of the end of an internship).

    • momentsofabsurdity

      Is it a yes/no question? Because I might answer “Did you resign with?”
      “Resigned to pursue graduate degree” if possible. Or “resigned at end of internship term.”

      • TCFKAG

        Well, there’s a yes or no button (which you have to answer) and then later a line where you can type in “Reason for leaving” — so…I mean, I get to explain. But…what if I get dinged for having left so many jobs. But it was law school! I had to. This is why I hate applying to big companies.

        • Em

          Well, I mean, you basically would have had to have left any job you had before the current one so I don’t think they’ll ding you for that alone!

        • Kontraktor

          I haven’t come across an explicit button where you say yes or no to resign, but I have seen buttons that are like, is this your current job, and then the next question under is, if no what was the reason for leaving. And then I always put something like “summer internship program completed” so it’s clear it wasn’t a “real” job.

    • Bluejay

      I think it just means “did you leave voluntarily.” I’d answer yes, and then in the reason for leaving field, I’d put “three-month contract” or “summer internship” or something, if you didn’t actually resign but left because your fixed-term employment was up.

      • CKB

        If the question is “Did you resign?” then the answer for fixed term employment ending would be no, but you’d definitely want to explain that in the comment field.

        Fixed term employment ending is not leaving voluntarily, imo. Dh is in this position at the end of this month. Trust me, it’s not voluntary.

        • TCFKAG

          Well, too late.

          For things like internships though — I think its different, since I wasn’t leaving to nothing, right?

          Meh. I think they’ll get it.

        • Bluejay

          It’s voluntary in the sense that he agreed to fixed-term employment and wasn’t laid off or fired. Checking no would seem to imply otherwise.

    • CW

      I interpret it as whether you left voluntarily, and would answer yes, unless I was laid off/terminated. I don’t think you would get dinged for it. You have a space to explain it, and they’ll be able to cross reference the dates with law school.

    • PharmaGirl

      I think the interpretation of voluntarily ending the employment is correct. They are probably trying to find out if people were fired. Not sure how it differentiates whether someone was laid off.

    • Constance Justice

      In my mind, resignation does not necessarily mean you did not leave on good terms. For example, I had to resign from a job to pursue a clerkship. I had to resign from my pre-law school job to pursue law school. I had to write a letter of resignation.

      Leaving an internship is a little different because you don’t have to resign. Your time as an intern just ends. If the term “intern” is in your title or something, this is probably apparent. If you feel like its not immediately obvious that it was a fixed time period gig, I’d leave an explanation for my own sanity. Good luck!

  17. Soo anon for this

    I’m the person who posted a few days ago about infertility in her mid-twenties. I’m sorry I haven’t posted since, but I just wanted to send the biggest thank you to all in this community who offered sympathy/support/advice. You all have given me a lot to think about, and your kind words mean more than I can say. Thanks!!

    • TCFKAG

      Yay — those first few days (or even months) after finding out some devastating medical news are the worst (oh my god my life as I know it is soooo over). But it gets better.

    • ELS

      Soo Anon – I’m also a woman in her 20s dealing with infertility. I didn’t think I wanted kids before the news (and still don’t think I want them), but I definitely had a grieving process.

      I know it can be hard to find people to talk about this with. If you want to talk (but no pressure at all), my email is elscprette at gmail dot com

      • ELS

        Ugh. In moderation b/c (I assume) of my anon email address. Soo Anon – check back. I have had similar issues. If you want to talk, I posted my email.

  18. Anon

    Good places to buy online designer dresses that have been marked down?? The Outnet doesn’t have anything in my size!

    • TCFKAG

      Honestly, just stalk the Nordstroms, Bloomies, Saks, and Neiman Marcus sale sites. Stuff in odd sizes go on sale all the time. But if you’re a perfect size 6 of 8 or something, you’re going to have to work pretty hard or maybe actually go hit outlets because those sizes are rarely available, I think.

    • Anon 42

      eBay is the best for this. I had to turn off all my email alerts b/c I was buying way too much.

  19. Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler

    TJ for a friend: A friend of mine is looking for push up bras, but she’s having a problem because she’s a 32A. Any recommendations I can give her would be appreciated.

    TIA

    • PollyD

      It’s online, but Extra Petite seems fond of and has reviewed The Little Bra Company. Otherwise I imagine Nordstrom’s might have something, they seem to stock a pretty good variety of sizes. Or google for specialty lingerie shops in your area.

    • Herbie

      Natori makes an underwire bra that does a-mazing things for the girls. Highly recommend.

    • IBTC Member

      Nordstrom is pretty good for smaller sizes, and I’ve had good luck with Wacoal and Calvin Klein, both of which I’ve bought at Nordstrom.

      I’ve not tried the online stores, since I want to try on a bra before I buy it, but I know the petite bloggers give them good reviews.

    • Calico

      H&M sells a t-shirt style bra with molded padding that is the best I’ve found. It’s a small 32 A, as opposed to ones at Victoria’s secret, DKNY, Calvin Klein which are all still too big even in an A.

    • Anonymous

      Title Nine has a bra section/ Co company w a lovely, lovely varied range. Rave.

    • MJ

      Go to herroom.com…they have a million of everything in every size, and reviewers post their size. I am ahem, in the same category, and I LOVE On Gossamer’s Bump It Up bras–very natural and they add curves for ladies who don’t have a lot to push up, but don’t feel enormous and ridic like Wondrbra! They are one of the only manufacturer’s who gets that pushing up a C cup is not the same as “rounding out” someone who has little to begin with. Highly recommend! You can also get this bra from Nordstrom’s too.

  20. MaggieLizer

    Lovely top. Does anyone else get physically shaky when you’re exhausted, as in mid-all nighter or the day after a really terrible night’s sleep (not from too much caffeine)? Any tips to prevent this from happening or deal with it when it’s already happening? TIA!

    • Bluejay

      Yes. Also nauseous. My tip is to get more sleep, but obviously it’s too late for that. I’ve never found a way to stop the shaking and sick feeling other than going to sleep.

    • Cornellian

      yes! I’m not sure how to make it stop, either. I’ve tried mint tea, walking around a bit, and food, and they don’t seem to hurt, but they don’t seem to really stop it, either.

    • Tuesday

      Yes. What helps for me is making sure I’m hydrated, and making sure I’ve eaten something; I also get the shakes when my blood sugar drops.

      • Constance Justice

        This. A ginger ale seems to do the trick for me. At least short term. But when I am feeling that terrible, even short term relief is worth something.

        • lawsuited

          Agreed. I drink ginger ale for a bit of sugar and the calming affect on my stomach and drink water to make me more alert. It’s usually because I haven’t had enough sleep or eaten properly, so I try to do one or both of those better the next day.

    • Anonymous

      eat, drink, make sure you are using the restroom enough ( as in, if you realize you haven’t needed to, recognize that you need to eat and especially drink more.) H2o input is easier to force when busy than sleep is.

    • RussiaRepeat

      Deep breaths and simple carbs – I find a handful of crackers seems to help.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      Yes. I get physically shaky whenever my body is in a “stressful” state – either from not sleeping, not eating, life stress, whatever. Not a whole lot of solutions for you beyond remedying from what made you stressful. And obviously stay hydrated. Sometimes I find quick meditation exercises help.

      • SoCalAtty

        Yes! It feels almost like caffine jitters, but I’ll realize that I’ve only had my normal single cup of tea…

        On those days, I eat a quick lunch and use the rest of the time to grab a nap in my car. I had mono about 5 years ago, and this was a lifesaver!

        Even if I can just close my eyes for 10 minutes, it seems to really help.

    • May

      I do better if I remember to drink plenty of water and gave enough calories to keep me going. Extra night work really messes my weight loss programs for just this reason but I tend to see an enormous difference when I snack. Oh, and doing something entirely different (think Corporette) for a while, helps too.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Ugh, I feel like this right now. Mine is from working out too hard this morning, not enough sleep last night, too much stress at work, lack of gluten free/dairy free food options lying around, hence lack of eating, then eating foods I still don’t really enjoy just to get food in me that are so not enough and then getting right back to work.

      For me it is the lack of end in sight that makes it worse. I can usually power through that feeling when I know at 6 or 7 I can go home and crash. Tonight I have a volunteer appreciation dinner I must attend that might go until 10, promised husband Id see late night movie w/ him if tix weren’t sold out, will get some but not enough sleep, have a 10 am scavenger hunt to win $10,000 that I really don’t want to miss, and then FINALLY, I can take a nap.

      For now, I’m “napping” in my office by being on this site.

  21. TJ

    Above threadjack got me thinking…

    I too, have an awful father whom I cut out of my life in my early 20s. I also have a grandmother (his mom) with whom I’ve had a decent (not great or close) relationship. She has started bugging me about having a relationship with him, the usual “but he’s still your father” and for bonus points, “he brought you to America” immigrant guilt. She’s now refusing to come to Important Events for me if he is not invited. Resuming relationship with him is not an option.

    I don’t particularly care one way or another about continuing a relationship with her. She was rarely around and emotionally distant my entire childhood, I can’t think of a single good memory with her. But she hasn’t done anything terrible. The only family she has is me and my father, who lives 6 hours away and is unreliable in the best of times. She also has health problems and lists me as an emergency contact on everything. I don’t want to “abandon” her but she won’t stop bugging me about my father no matter what I say.

    So what do I do about grandma? Thanks in advance.

    • AIMS

      My take on this may be somewhat skewed. I don’t have all that many family members left. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn’t keep in better contact with them when they were around. That’s the kind of thing you just can’t fixed down the line. I would do my best to continue the relationship with her. Just repeat as a mantra, “Grandma, I love you, I want you in my life, but we’re not going to discuss my father.”

      • MaggieLizer

        This. My grandmother (who has since passed) and mother had a falling out. My mom was pretty good about respecting boundaries but my grandmother would go on and on about my mom. I would tell her I didn’t want to talk about my mom, but she would keep coming back to it. It got a little better over the years, especially after she started therapy, but every conversation involved at least 3+ “I’m not going to talk about mom. How was bingo?” or whatever. It was incredibly frustrating, but now that my grandmother is gone I’m really glad I had the time I did with her.

    • Anonymous

      You aren’t abandoning her. She is making her own choices. She can decide what kind of relationship she wants to have with her son and she can decide what kind of relationship she wants to have with you. She cannot decide what kind of relationship you have with your father. Putting that kind of condition on her relationship with you is entirely her own doing, and her own choice. Your job is not to save people from their own bad decisions. You can tell her that you are happy to continue seeing her, but not if she continues trying to push you to re-establish ties with your father.

    • Cornellian

      I’m not sure if this changes things, but do you think she bugs you because SHE wants you and your father to interact? Or because he’s using her to pressure you? My father does that with my sister, which is inexcusable. She sounds like she’s in a pretty vulnerable position, though, so I’m not sure how much I could fault her for wanting to bring you two back in contact.

      I agree with the poster above that you should just repeat a mantra to yourself and refuse to engage on the topic of your father.

      • TJ

        That’s a good question, but I don’t think he’s pressuring her. I’m pretty sure they speak only a few times a year. This may be more of a ploy for her to see him more.

    • Bluejay

      Think of it this way: she’s a sad old woman whose biggest regret in life is that her beloved granddaughter and beloved son don’t speak to each other. I’m not saying you have to start inviting your father to things, but it’s understandable that your grandmother, now at the end of her life, is doing everything she can to bring you two together. She’s being emotionally manipulative, but only you can decide whether it’s more painful to you to see your dad or to not see your grandmother.

      If you do decide that it’s too painful to see your dad, then I agree with AIMS that you should just repeat to her that you love her and want to see her, but you won’t discuss your father. If she won’t come to important events, try to spend time with her doing mundane things, like taking her shopping or having lunch. In the long run, those little things are more meaningful than big events, anyway.

    • K... in transition

      She is emotionally blackmailing you. It sounds like you have nothing to lose here by standing your ground. If it were me, I’d say something like, “Grandma, I want you to know you’re important to me and I know you are trying to be helpful. However, I’ve made the decision to distance myself from my father for a lot of reasons and I’m truly happier this way. I want you to be in my life, but I can’t be around you if you continue to bring this up. I really need you to think about whether you can be in my life or if it’s going to be too hard for you to let this go. I will respect you either way and you can still list me as your emergency person, I just can’t let you begin to make me feel as badly as my father did.”

      • AIMS

        I think flats would also be really cute. Silver would look nice, or another neutral.

    • JAS1

      I would wear really high heels in another bright color with some contrast, like fushia or yellow, or maybe kelly green. If you don’t have anything like that and want to buy something that will be more versatile to wear with other things later down the line, I’d go with sparkly.strappy silver or gold.

      • JAS1

        OK, here are some examples (but take with a grain of salt, as I am home sick today and possibly delirious with fever….)

        -http://www.zappos.com/product/7942149/color/396?zfcTest=fw:1 (in green, orange or turquoise…the turquoise is basically the color of the model’s earrings in the pic of the dress)

        -http://www.zappos.com/rsvp-glory-silver?zfcTest=fw:1 (in fushia or silver…I like these because they don’t have any rhinestones).

        -http://www.zappos.com/product/7974466/color/632?zfcTest=fw:1#prdInfo.

    • TCFKAG

      Do you have a shoe in a lighter blue (kind of like the models contrasting earrings?) That would be fun.

      Otherwise either a metallic or the contrasting neon or hot-color would be fun.

    • TCFKAG

      The Skirt in grey would look awesome with this, first of all.

      But otherwise, grey, navy, or pink bottoms would all be great. Or if you wanted something more bold, I think a bright orange would be fun. All of those with a cream shell underneath I think.

  24. CKB

    I’m a home sewist, and I make many of my work clothes. I was gifted a lovely piece of fabric this week – camel colored superfine wool gabardine. I am thinking of making a sheath dress. However, I live in a cold climate, and to get maximum use out of it, I’d need to be able to wear it with tights in the winter (I wear skirts or dresses once or twice a week in the winter, almost every day in the warmer months).

    How could I accessorize a camel sheath dress for the winter? Would black tights & blazer/cardi be my only options? My office is business casual, and I try to dress more on the business side of things. I’m trying to decide if the dress or a pair of pants will be more versatile.

    • Bluejay

      I love burgundy, navy, brown, and dark green with camel. Black is nice too. I think that sounds like a beautiful fabric for a sheath dress.

      • Bluejay

        Oh, and purple! How could I forget my beloved purple.

        Red and cobalt blue also look nice, although I’m not sure how I’d feel about red or cobalt tights.

    • qwerty

      i have a camel skirt suit that i have the hardest time wearing (especially in the winter). i like all black to contrast, an outfit of multiple shades of brown would be pretty ( chocolate ribbed tights, midtone brown cardigan, gold accessories), mint green pairs beautifully too. if you’re edgy it could be nice with shades of gray too.

      • momentsofabsurdity

        I wish I could wear white tights but I always feel like an 8 year old going to Sunday School when I wear them. Anyone else?

        • TCFKAG

          Honestly, after I recommended this, I looked up pictures of people wearing white tights to see if I could find styling recommendations — and I almost retracted it. It is pretty girly. Maybe if paired with more edgy knee high brown boots or ox-blood shoes or something?

          But yeah … not the easiest look for the office now that i look at it.

        • NOLA

          Yeah even cream tights come off that way for me, although I love cable tights! My favorites are a pair of tights that are sort of khaki. I have no idea where I got them and they’ve worn like cast iron but they are the only light-colored tights I can wear that actually look normal and not Sunday school.

    • ss

      You could try a white shirt underneath if your office is warm enough – something with a silky texture that won’t create unintended bumps and creases ? Or maybe even a turtleneck – black or grey, with matching tights ?

      • JessBee

        Yeah, I was thinking that a sleeveless sheath would look great with a nice blouse under it – in any of the colors already mentioned (white, black, the right red, purple…etc).

        Also, since I outed myself on my new belt addiction earlier this week, a great set of belts (wide black patent? skinny leopard print? white matte?) would also be a good way to add some variety to a camel sheath.

    • Merabella

      You could make it more versatile for all seasons by adding 3/4 length sleeves. This would be beautiful with tights and boots in winter. I think camel would be beautiful with cream cardi/blazer, but would also look great with cobalt blue, teal, red, royal purple, hunter green, the list goes on.

    • edj3

      No advice on styling but I sew also and I want to know what pattern you plan on using.

      • CKB

        It’s a Simplicity Perfect Fit pattern that I muslined 3 times to get the fit just right, but I don’t like the sleeves for this pattern so I have to figure out what to do for that. It’s pretty basic – princess seamed & a scoop neck that isn’t too low. I’m sure I’ll make this pattern dozens of times, which is why I spent the time on fitting. I’ve made one already and get compliments almost every time I wear it.

        • edj3

          I hate making muslins :( I know a good fit depends on it but I still hate it.

          • SoCalAtty

            I hate muslin mock ups…but every time I go without one, I blow it. Which reminds me, I need to think about some sewing projects I set down when I started at the new firm…

        • anon

          The 2648 one ? It’s my goto pattern for sheath dress, too, very flattering.

          As for the dress, I’d wear it with black (I love camel and black), but then I would add black accent on the dress itself (maybe a black stripe at the bottom, or black piping or something).

    • AMB

      I like navy or cobalt blue with camel and its less harsh. Or a really bright red can be fun, with neutral tights.

    • Kontraktor

      How cold is your area? I rarely wear tights in the winter and usually just wear regular nylons/hose if I want to wear a skirt or dress in the winter. Then again, I came from DC and it was rarely that cold. On the cold, 20ish degree days, I would wear pants. On the average mid30 degree day, I would just wear nylons and bear the walking (I warmed up anyway when walking) or I would sometimes wear taller boots (Uggs or rain boots) to commute in and keep my legs warm. Indoors was never a problem.

      If you live in an area with similar weather, could you just wear regular nude hose with your dress? That way you could pair it with all the normal things you’d wear with something camel.

    • CKB

      Thanks for the ideas everyone. I’m definitely going for the dress as that fits my style more, and I’ll probably wear the dress more in the winter than I’d wear the pants in the summer.

      I will be on the look out for some colored tights – I like the idea of hunter green & burgundy, and I think my orange cardi will look really nice too. And I’m going to see if I can find brown/warm toned argyle tights. I love argyle, and I think that could be really fun.

      Question, though, something I’ve always wondered. If I wear chocolate tights (another great suggestion), what color shoes or boots should I wear? Cognac? Red? Burgundy? Or something else completely?

      • Charlotte

        I love wearing a pair of bronzy metallic pumps with brown tights. You could also do a snakeskin or suede pump. I also wear my brown boots as well as camel boots with them. I think a nice burgundy or even a purple, like the BB pumps featured a week or two ago, would look great!

    • Research, Not Law

      I’m a redhead and wear a lot of camel. I typically pair it with cream, dark brown, or wine.

      Most of my wordrobe is sleeveless/short-sleeved tops with blazer/cardigan. I find it to be versitile. So a sheath would seem like a good option to me. Tights, boots, and wrap will give you a very different look than blazer, pumps, and hose.

      Someone in my office yesterday (it was a cold, wet day) wore a black sheath with light grey tights and dark grey boots. It looked fantastic and I think it would work just as well with a camel/brown palette.

    • mamabear

      I found a pair of tights by Spanx this past winter that were sort of a taupe-y color. Thick enough to look like tights, and an off shade that didn’t look like it was trying to be a nude color. I think they’d look perfect with a camel dress. I like the column of color concept of dressing so I’d probably also try to find matching shoes, but you could do a darker shoe if you belted your cardigan with a belt in a similarly dark color.

  25. CW

    Does anyone have any experience with the Specific Carbohydrate Diet (SCD)? A friend was just diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, and is thinking about making the switch to SCD, but doesn’t really know where/how to start.

    • TCFKAG

      I have several friends who have done it. Some with success, others with less. If you e-mail me at tcfkag@gmail.com I’d be happy to give more info.

      We also have a bit of a [this site] IBD list going that you could get access to by e-mailing Blonde Lawyer at projectmundaneart@gmail.com. (Or your friend even.) Several of us might know more.

      Basically — its a pretty extreme approach with mixed evidence as to its effectiveness. BUT, people for whom it has worked, swear it has saved their life. But the problem with IBD in general is that everyone is different. Some people respond very well to dietary changes, while others (like me) respond almost not at all to dietary changes. It also varies between UC and Chron’s disease.

      Anyway, let me know if your friend would like to e-mail me (don’t check that e-mail much) and I can put her in touch with a couple people who do SCD full time.

    • TCFKAG

      I replied, but my reply is awaiting moderation because of e-mail addresses.

      Short answer is, yes I know people who have done it. Some have had success, some haven’t. The issue with UC is that (like all IBD) some people’s disease is very responsive to dietary changes while others isn’t.

      Also — I’ve never known anyone who can stay to the entire SCD. Most start out on a “true SCD” and then adapt as they figure out what they can and can’t eat for their bodies.

      Check back later for the e-mail addresses and let me know if you or your friend want to e-mail me or the [this site] IBD group.

  26. dating as an Indian Christian

    I’m in my mid-20s, about to move to a new city and start a great job. I’ve never been in a serious relationship and never lived with a partner, though I’m not sure I would want to before engagement/marriage). I’m not perfect or even fully grown, but I’m ready for this next step. As I’ve matured and dated around, I realize that it would feel easier and make me happiest to date someone from my own background. Family is important to me, and though religion isn’t as much, it would be great to date someone who understood my community and all its oddities. My question is — where do I start? OKCupid has turned out to be much more casual than I hoped. It’s a lot like getting hit on at a bar. Shaadi? Should I get my mother involved? She is wonderful: no pressure or involvement unless I ask for her help. momentsofabsurdity, hope to hear from you!

    • qwerty

      any chance your church has a lot of events? i grew up around a lot of indian Christians and it always seemed like they all knew each other from frequent church events (where maybe you could meet a nice guy’s mom, sister, or a nice guy himself?).

    • momentsofabsurdity

      Happy to help! I haven’t really dated Indian Christians in the past (not opposed to it, just haven’t really been “looking” so to speak) so I hope I can be as helpful as possible.

      I am assuming you are Indian Christian — does it date back in your family (to the Portugese or to St. Thomas, maybe) or are you recent converts? I only ask because that relates to the number of connections you might have in your “network” or family background. My family is St. Thomas Christian, so what I say may not be as applicable to say, Goan Catholics.

      Find out from your mother if there are any aunties, uncles or cousins in your new city. Regardless of finding a partner, this would be good – it will help you build a support structure in your new city. These people might range from families yours have had relationships with for generations to (in my family) new friends and friends of friends since moving to America. If these people are religious, even better since you can get the scoop on where a local Mar Thoma or CSI or whatever type church is that people typically go to. In my experience, these are not that fun to go to alone (most of the social groups are established and many of the kids have been going there since babyhood) so I would try and tag along with a family you know. Generally, the youth groups are pretty active in these things so I would try joining one. I’d also let your mom put the word out that you are looking to meet someone from the subculture.

      I have no experience with Shaadi but I find Indian guys contact me at least once per day on OKC (no compliment to me, I think they set their search parameters to “Indian” and go for every available female!) so I’d stick around on there – who knows? May yield something.

      I’d also look in your new city to see if there is a South Asian meetup or interest group — my cousin met her husband (who is also Indian Catholic) in the South Asian interest group of her university. The most important thing is forcing yourself to go, to meet and interact with people (just like meeting a guy normally!). If natural, things will progress (from what I’ve seen, quickly) from there.

    • Cornellian

      I’d second the recommendation for church events, or maybe volunteering with an affiliated group, etc. I’m not sure if your community is very populous where you live, but I would imagine that real life events would be more productive than adding criteria to your internet dating search.

      • CKB

        Agree. I’m not Indian, but I am a member of a fairly specific Christian sect, and my dh & I met at a church event. I know you said religion wasn’t as important as family, but because it’s still important, I think church and church events would be the place for you. Kind of like if you want to meet someone who likes to work out, go to the gym.

    • TCFKAG

      According to Ru, there should be an army of aunts ready to help. But they might make you sing on your date….

      But seriously, I think a more casual reaching out to people you know in your community and asking if they know single guys may be the way to go. That way they could at least try to think of people who might be a good fit for you. Also, is there a Indian Christian church or meet-up group where you live (is that a thing?)

    • Legally Brunette

      I feel like a broken record saying this, but I would definitely consider Shaadi. I didn’t meet my husband that way (we met through the traditional aunty way) but I know 8 couples of who are very happily married through Shaadi, including my own sister. And among these 8 couples, one is a Malayali Christian couple. The Shaadi database is so enormous that the odds of finding other Indian Christians are pretty good. I believe that there are Indian Christian matrimonial databases only, but I don’t know the details. There is also Tamilmatrimony, Keralamatrimony, Bengalimatrimony, etc. depending on your subculture.

      I would consider getting your mom involved too. I’m super close to my mom as well and she was very helpful in getting the word out that I was up for getting married, in a reasonably diplomatic way.

      And in case you might be interested…I have a very good guy friend who is Sri Lankan Tamil Christian, in case you might be up for meeting him! :) Really awesome guy, super social, mid 30s, not religious but respectful of the church.

      • dating as an Indian Christian

        Thanks, all! I appreciate all the suggestions. Church sounds like a simple solution. I read the discussion on “lapsed Catholics” and had just been thinking about going back to mass and trying to reconnect with my faith.

        BTW, I’m Goan Catholic, and I’m open to meeting guys in Southern California.

    • Bluejay

      Do you want to marry an Indian, or a Christian of any ethnicity?

      If you are Catholic, I have had decent luck on Catholic Match, and have several friends who met their spouses online. There’s also a Catholic site specifically for people who want to get married, AveMariaSingles. My Protestant friends have had the best luck on eHarmony.

    • TNT

      I’m a (lapsed) Goan Catholic too….well sort of, my Dad is not Goan, but my family is pretty matriarchal culturally, so I indentify as Goan.

      There are fairly large Goan communities on the East Coast, we never sought them out because my family has lived outside India almost my whole life, and we are fairly insular, but some cousins moved to the area a couple of years ago and within months they (and we by association) were in touch with all the regional activities. In some ways, it’s like they just brought Goa here with them. Not something I could do every week, but nice to experience from time to time.

      Anyway, my point..there is one, I promise…I would recommend asking family (especially people who are still in India) if they know someone in the area who is “connected” to the community . That’s the best way to at least hear about the “functions” (you know what I mean :). Then you’ll have to arm yourself to fend off the inevitable introductions. But after you find the community this kind of thing takes on a life of it’s own in my experience.

      I may be able to find some information for you about northern ca if you don’t have another inroad. catch me at weddingly at lycos dot com.

      P.S. question…are you specifically looking to meet someone who is Goan or are you/your family open to Mangalorian etc as well? That may expand your options.

  27. Anonymous

    Adults make choices w consequences. No one but babies deserves anything just for being, beyond polite human respect. Not love, time, money, a probation, invitations… those we all either earn or don’t earn. I would always invite her, never invite him, and let her decide to come or not, to cut herself off or not, and deal w her own consequences. For yourself, consider th personal consequences of inviting her or not. What would her coming do for you? Her not coming? $ounds like you can deal with either of her possible choices. No need to cut her off– let her be there or not, and give her more chances later by inviting her to the next deal. But don’t let her hurt you. That’s your choice. Be happy, and let others be happy, or not. That’s theirs.

  28. Anonymouse

    Anonymous internet whine – I absolutely loved my job but now some things have changed and its starting to go bad. I am trying to keep an open mind that things will become awesome again but its getting increasingly hard.

    I really don’t want to start job searching again. This just sucks. I want to go back to loving my job.

    • K... in transition

      just sending support… had that happen in my last job; loved it from day 1 for about 8 mos. things changed and it went downhill. 4 mos later, I was gone. If you’re not seeing the likelihood that things will change back or change again for the better, I’d suggest you consider starting to hunt, better to have options than to wish you did.

    • CKB

      This happened to me. I loved my job, and then some changes were made & I didn’t enjoy going to work anymore. Then I got a promotion & things were good again, until my boss had to take 3 months off due to a family medical emergency. And things weren’t as great again, but now she’s back and things are good again.

      I think the ups & downs are natural in any position, but if you feel that things are getting worse than you can handle, or that nothing will ever change, you might need to consider moving on. Don’t sacrifice your mental health!

    • Divaliscious11

      Totally know the feeling….. maybe don’t actively start a search, but just keep your ear to the ground, watch postings etc… you can be much choosier about what you apply for if you aren’t yet at the pulling your hair out stage……

  29. Awful Lawful

    Ugh, TOMORROW is my good friend’s 35th birthday and I still have no idea what to get her! Any suggestions?

    • TCFKAG

      At this short notice your best bets are:

      (a) a book
      (b) alcohol
      (c) something fun at crate and barrel or other gourmet kitchen shop
      (d) something fun at a kate spade shop (like a wristlet) if she would like that and you have one near you.
      (e) a cute necklace or earrings from a jewelry store near your work
      (f) a sweatshirt or something from a local sports team she likes
      (g) tickets to an event you could go to together
      (h) gift certificate to a nice restaurant for a girls night out.

      Woof…that was actually a lot of ideas.

  30. SoCalAtty

    Is anyone job hunting near Brooklyn NY? I just saw that Tough Mudder is hiring an associate attorney, 3-5 years exp. This is pretty much in the category of “dream job” for me, so if any of you out there in the hive get it, my referral fee will be notification if they ever open an office in LA!

    • Blonde Lawyer

      That sounds awesome. Who knew they would need associates?? Not my neck of the woods but good luck to anyone that applies.

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