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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 374 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Silk Lattice Neck Blouse

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Silk Lattice Neck BlouseOooh: cute black blouse from White House|Black Market. I always like latticework on a high scoopneck like this, and the silk looks breezy yet professional. It was $88, but is now marked to $49.99. Silk Lattice Neck Blouse Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

Sales of note for 9.16.24

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Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. LawLala

    I was more interested in the skirt until I saw the bottom part. It’s interesting but it’s really messing with my OCD.

    • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler

      Yeah, wasn’t expecting that. Colorblocking + a hawaiian print? Someone should have quit while they were ahead.

      • CoCo

        Oh man…I was expecting a solid color-block. Which would have been bad enough. It was so much worse.

          • TCFKAG

            U. if you have never been to gof*gyouself[dot]com — you should. They are funny.

          • TCFKAG

            gof*gyourself[dot]com I should say.

            It is a combination of a four letter word that would definitely get blocked and ugly.

            No posting before coffee.

          • AIMS

            Gofugyourself is awesome. Can we post some other favorite websites on which to enjoyably waste our time? I’ll go first. Besides gofug and corporette, I really enjoy the AVClub.

          • TCFKAG

            I spend too much time on CuteOverload, the FailBlog and all its iterations, Television without Pity, and D*amn you Autocorrect, and Passive Agressive Notes, just to name a few.

          • Bunkster

            Heh. TCFKAG, next time we get together, I’ll tell you which one of your other sites I also check everyday.

          • Cat

            tomandlorenzo[dot]com – they started out blogging abt project runway but now do TV shows (incl. Downton!), celeb fashion, fashion shows…

          • b23

            www[dot]ihategreenbeans[dot]com

            It’s about the Bachelor and Bachelorette, and it’s pretty much the only reason I ever watch the show anymore. She’s freaking hilarious.

    • a.

      Ouch. I like bold prints and have no particular opposition to color-blocking, but that skirt hurts my eyes.

      I don’t mind the shirt. It’s the kind of thing I’m sure I’d wear if I owned, but that I don’t find at all exciting.

      • phillygirlruns

        i feel the same way about the shirt. this is why i have so few interesting tops to wear under jackets – i end up defaulting to white t-shirts because i have a tough time spending money on something i feel so uninspired about (not that white t-shirts are particularly inspiring, but they’re unoffensively basic and utilitarian).

  2. b23

    I like it. By the way, I think yesterday’s TPS report was the first I’ve seen where there was not a single comment on the item featured.

    • Alanna of Trebond

      I realized some weeks ago that I don’t actually read the post most of the time, and just read the comments. I’m not sure what that means. I went back and looked at yesterday’s dress and I actually like it, but I don’t think it’s much of a work item.

  3. anon

    I like it. Nice combination of polished and yet relaxed. Word of caution, you need to be careful what bra you wear with these kinds of shirts, as the strap will be visible.

  4. Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler

    Threadjack! For anyone who was interested in trying out Eloquii, FAB50 gets you 50% off of everything! Plus, free shipping and returns.

    I just got a suit jacket, two pairs of pants, and a skirt (my first full suit!) for less than $200. If the quality lives up to the hype, I’m going to be a very happy lady. I’ll report back.

    • RR

      I’ve ordered quite a few things, and it’s been hit or miss. I love the sweaters. They are a lovely weight, wash well, and seem to be good quality.

      I adore the JAG jeans. They are perfect weight, with perfect stretch that doesn’t get saggy as you wear them, and they are very flattering. They are the most comfortable jeans I’ve ever owned, and they are the most flattering jeans I’ve ever owned.

      The suits….eh. I’ve ordered two. The first was the sort of classic suiting in brown. It looks lovely, and I really like the different inseam lengths. But the pants came apart at the seam in the lower butt area, and that was not really ideal. That said, I’ve had the same issue with seams falling apart on Talbots stuff, so if I have to resew my clothes, I’d rather pay eloquii prices. The jacket was great. Good stretch and good quality. The tweedy fabric (I have the brown) is a little cheaper looking in my opinion.

      Overall though, great options at great prices.

      • Coalea

        I’ve ordered a handful of items and overall have been pleased, especially with a drape-y cardigan that buckles in the front.
        One fail: I couldn’t decide on what size pants to order and unfortunately chose a size that turned out to be too long and too large – with free returns I should have been okay … except like a fool I cut the tags off too soon. I hemmed them and reserve them for “fat days.” I plan on buying them in the correct size, and this sale sounds like the perfect opportunity to do so!

  5. AnonInfinity

    I like the shape of this shirt, but I am not sure how I’d like the lattice part. It seems like the strands would get all weird in the wash?

      • Houda

        TCFKAG I love your cheerful spirit today. Your comments already made me smile twice and I’m just started reading the posts (lots of catching up)

        • TCFKAG

          My job is really boring right now, so I get my giggles by trying to make people LOL on corporette. Its a sad life, but its a life none the less.

    • MaggieLizer

      Some WHBM stuff launders really well and some… doesn’t. I would dry clean it to be on the safe side, especially since it’s silk.

  7. roses

    Ok, so usually I’m not so fashion-challenged, but I’m a little stuck on something: Do any of you have advice for layering chunky and cable-knit (that aren’t v-neck) sweaters? I got two of them as gifts, and the necklines are somewhere in between crew neck and scoop neck. I have seen people wear button-downs underneath similar styles, but when I’ve tried that you can see bumps from the shirt underneath and it makes me look like I have no shape (I’m not very busty). Am I doing this wrong? Any other layering suggestions?

    • a.

      Honestly, I can almost never get button-downs to look okay under any non-v-neck sweaters, either (like, I have one crew-neck sweater that works with one shirt). You are not alone! So I just wear a cami underneath if there’s any chance of itch, and then throw a bold pashmina around my neck to add some interest.

      • Niktaw

        I am wearing a button-down under a crewneck sweater today and there are probably bumps underneath (feeling chest frantically), but I think they are acceptable for a casual Friday outfit. My shirt is really a cotton blouse, i.e. the distance from the top button at the neck to the next one is longer than on the rest of the placket and this may alleviate the bumps.
        The alleged lack of shape can be remedied with a belt.

    • anon

      Wear a camisole underneath, nothing more.
      On the bottom, wear jeans/pants with a clean shape and cut to balance out the chunkiness of the sweater. And boots.
      And then chunky earrings, maybe.

    • Sconnie

      I have never been able to get button-downs to work under sweaters. My long torso and lack of bust make me look lumpy and uncomfortable in the button-down + sweater combo in a way that makes me look like an 8 year old boy on school picture day.

      I layer things like this by wearing long tanks and tees underneath untucked. Bonus if I can find a top with a neckline that is higher than but similar to the sweater’s. I would also use this as an opportunity to play with fun scarves and necklaces.

    • ss

      How about a shirt in a silkier material which will fall without bunching under your sweater or else a snug turtleneck ?

      • anon

        This. I have very little luck with cotton button-downs (and mostly they just end up looking weird), but thin, silky button downs of the type that J. Crew has in every color are great for these and frankly, they’re a bit too sheer for me to wear comfortably to work, so I mostly use them exclusively for layering. Either that, or wear a sleeveless/short sleeve one that reduces the bulk in the sleeve area, at least. Personally I love the look of a contrasting button down underneath a sweater.

    • michelle

      tissue or other thin crewneck or scoop neck long sleeve (I like the sleeves in case of itch) I like the look with skinny pants or (forgive me Corporette) leggings/jeggings assuming they’re long sweaters.

    • Coalea

      No suggestions, other than what has already been said.

      Just wanted to say that I feel your pain. I really love the look of a buttoned shirt under a sweater, when done well. That said, it’s not a look that I have ever been able to pull off. I usually get uncomfortably hot and feel trapped by my clothes. I also suffer from the bumpiness that you describe – and, with my larger chest, I wind up looking (as my mother says) “like the prow of a ship.” Not cool.

      A while back (5-10 years ago?) I remember buying a bunch of sweaters with shirt collars and cuffs attached to give the illusion of a layered look. I loved them and often wish that they would make a comeback.

  8. Blonde Lawyer

    K in NYC – time to check in again! We haven’t heard from you all week. How is the bone marrow donation going?

    I also had an idea for a potentially fun blog you could start. You have posted before about looking to get out of the house on a low budget and staying busy until you find work. We could give you ideas/challenges/scavenger hunt type stuff that is free or really low cost and you could try to do one per day and post it on your blog. Here are some ideas of what I would challenge you to do.

    1.) Go to Times Square and take a cheesy tourist photo and share it.
    2.) Go to 5th Avenue and find the most expensive insane fashion item, try it on, post a picture with the price.
    3.) Find a random piece of pending legislation that doesn’t get a lot of publicity and write your congress people on why they should support it. Bonus points if you manage to score a meeting.
    4.) Find a shop with unique local made goods, ask the owner about the business, and post about it.
    5.) Go to a free lecture at a local college. Bonus points if you ask a question.
    6.) Attend a service at a church that is different from your own religion. Write a reflection on the experience.
    7.) Sit in a busy public place and people watch. Write about 5 observations.
    8.) Attend a poetry reading at a coffee shop. Bonus points if you read one of your own.
    9.) Write or buy a get well card. Fill it with anonymous well wishes and drop it off at your local hospital. Ask them to give it to someone who hasn’t had a visitor in awhile.
    10.) Go to local diners. Find an elderly person eating alone. Order a drink and make conversation with them if they seem interested. Post about it.

    I’m sure we can give you tons more and I would love to read about it (and get royalties from the book deal you will get from it!)

    • TCFKAG

      Wow…Blonde Lawyer. Those are some bad *ss blog ideas. I’d read ’em.

      How much time PRECISELY have you spent thinking about this. :-P

      I also second the hopes that K in NYC is doing well, though she did say last time she was on that she might take a little while off from Corporette.

    • MissJackson

      This made my (really crappy, sleep deprived) morning a heck of lot better! Love all of these ideas, and love all of the support for K in NYC — adding some of my own: we’re thinking about you K!

    • Anastasia

      I love these ideas! Especially 9 and 10.

      K, I hope things are starting to look up for you. *hug*

    • SF Bay Associate

      Wow, Blonde Lawyer. Thanks for reminding me to be more kind and thoughtful. What a good example to take into the long weekend. K in NYC, thinking of you.

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      These are awesome! I would totally write a blog about these if I had the time!

      *hugs* to K!!!

    • Flat Stanley

      This is a great idea and reminds me of my little siblings’ Flat Stanley project. Anyone else do that?

      • nona

        I did it for my cousin. Flat Stanley came with me to Australia (Sydney/Melbourne).

        • K in NYC

          A Corporette was kind enough to email and suggest I come by here and I really find myself overwhelmed by how many of you took the time to comment or to even have a thought of me.

          I found out the day before the bone marrow donation that, because I have endometriosis, I was disqualified to donate and am now off the registry. Better for my personal health but I’d really wanted to do that for someone in need.

          I’d decided to attempt to do a trial run with a dog I was interested in adopting through a private adoption (no/low fees) but my roommates balked at the idea and, upon finding out they’d never be ok with me having another dog, decided to use that push to reconsider the idea of moving. It looks like I’ll be moving to South FL in about a month. Since I earned my MSW there and have cousins there, I’ll have more local emotional support and some ins for networking professionally in hopes of getting back to work.

          Although I’ll be able to adopt a dog in FL where I’ll be moving, the adoption fees from shelters there are probably $300-$400 so I won’t be able to do that for a long while due to being unemployed, which breaks my heart but seems unavoidable.

          As for everything else, I will be able to pick up Nikko’s remains from the vet tomorrow, not sure how to feel about that. I just wonder how long it’ll be before I stop expecting to see his face every time I enter my bedroom or the moment I wake up and roll over.

          Honestly though, you guys have been a lifeline through all of this and reading this today has been a nice reason to shed tears for a change. Thank you. Truly.

          • Bonnie

            Don’t give up on a new doggie yet. If you know what type of dog you’d like, you can find a rescue league that works independently from a shelter and may not charge such a hefty fee. I’m glad for you that you’ll be moving to a place with a better support network. Good luck!

    • Godzilla

      BL, you are genius. K – I really, REALLY hope you get up and do these things!

      • K in NYC

        I think a move to Miami will be happening if I can save up enough to afford it… in the meantime, a friend gave me 2 tix to Rascal Flatts just over the bridge in NJ tomorrow night and it looks like I’m gonna be the goober going solo because the only 3 people I know in the area who listen to them have each bailed on me one at a time. :(

        • Blonde Lawyer

          Ahhhh!!! I love Rascall Flatts and would sooooo have loved to go w/ you and would have considered finding a way to get there if I didn’t already have plans. On the upside, you can’t really talk to anyone during a concert anyway so it is not the worst place to go solo. I sold an extra pair of concert tix on Craigslist and met a pretty cool couple that ended up buying them and sitting next to us. Maybe try to sell it and see who you end up w/?

  9. a.

    Okay, so. I just realized that the version of my resume that I submitted to at least two jobs (both of which are as close to my dream position as my level of experience will permit), but probably more, has a typo. I spelled “independently” “independetly.” It did not show up on spell-check, for reasons I cannot even begin to comprehend.

    Both of these positions had online forms where you attach a resume and cover letter at the end. I cannot make corrections. I also cannot believe that I did this, since I usually catch stuff like that–when I interned at a magazine, they told me I was the best copy-editor they’d ever had, for crissakes. Is there any chance that this will be overlooked? I went over the rest of my resume and cover letters with a fine-toothed comb, and there were no other errors. But seriously. This is making me want to cry. Not the way I wanted to start my Friday.

    • TCFKAG

      Yes there is a chance it will be over looked! Resumes are scanned for content, not generally broken down for details. If you’re qualified they’ll consider you.

      There are few documents in the world completely free of any error.

      And this is what I keep telling myself — no matter what — because otherwise I’ll go insane. Deep breath. Correct it on future resumes. And just hope for the best.

      • a.

        Thanks. I’m trying to take deep breaths and remind myself that I am otherwise qualified for both of these jobs (with an extra bell or whistle or two, even), but I’m just feeling doomed to being unemployed come July 3. God. It is so hard to remain even slightly positive, especially when I see people on here talking about how they chuck out applicants for a weird usage in an email.

        In other words, we should have a Desperately Job-Searching Corporettes meet-up where we drown our sorrows in pomegranate martinis and malbec. Via Skype if necessary.

      • a.

        Got stuck in moderation…Thanks. I’m trying to take deep breaths and remind myself that I am otherwise qualified for both of these jobs (with an extra bell or whistle or two, even), but I’m just feeling doomed to being unemployed come July 3. God. It is so hard to remain even slightly positive, especially when I see people on here talking about how they chuck out applicants for a weird usage in an email.

        In other words, we should have a Desperately Job-Searching Corporettes meet-up where we drown our sorrows in pomegranate martinis and malbec. Via S k y p e if necessary.

    • Salit-a-gator

      There’s a very good chance nobody will even notice. Even if they do, it’s not a deal breaker. I realized after I got the job that I too had a typo – and it didn’t matter! So chin up and have a good Friday.

      • a.

        Thanks! The chances of my having a good Friday were just greatly enhanced by my order of Girl Scout cookies arriving. Usually I wouldn’t break into them before noon, but I think I deserve a Thin Mint or eight right now.

      • Mel

        I agree, and also, to my mind, better a typo than a misspelling (“independantly”). It may not be noticed, and if it is, it may not matter.

    • Jennifer

      I once misspelled an editor’s name while applying for a job at very prestigious NYC magazine. What’s more, it was for a proofreader position. I was out of the running for that job, of course, but the editor found my letter charming enough that she passed my resume along to another department that was about to post a job. I interviewed for and got that job (without any competition! they hadn’t get posted the job). Typographical errors FTW!

    • Anonymous

      I keep applying for publishing jobs and finding typos in the applications. I never know if it’s a mistake that I should keep my mouth shut about or some sort of secret test.

      Don’t worry right now it’s not that people are not hiring you its that there are so many applicants (1,000 for a job I got an interview for) that they have almost unlimited choices. If you don’t get it, it won’t be because of you.

      Feel better!!!

    • Research, Not Law

      I agree that it probably won’t even be noticed.

      It’s probably not showing up on your spell check because it got saved into your dictionary. A clicking error during a spell check can do that. Here’s how to fix in MS Word 2007 (the process is similar in other word processing programs): Go to Tools > Options. Select Spelling & Grammar tab. Click the Custom Dictionaries button. Select CUSTOM.DIC and click the Modify button. There you will see all the words that have been added to your spell check by a user. I expect you’ll see ““independetly.” Select and delete it, the save/close.

  10. Constant throat clearing

    Ladies – I’d appreciate any advice: My office neighbor (and immediate supervisor, fwiw) constantly clears his throat. It sounds like a gross throat-y bark or grunting. It’s increasingly wearing on my nerves. It’s every few minutes. He often keeps his door closed but I can still hear it. I try listening to music – but at appropriate levels it doesn’t block out the barking. Any advice on effective ways to address this or methods to ignore it? I suspect he is aware that he does this.

    • CoCo

      Maybe some low-volume music to cover it up?

      Not an ideal situation, but this may be a medical issue. My father (who is in his 70s and has COPD) does this (very annoying), and my SO used to have this weird throat issue (since fixed, thank goodness) that resulted in a lot of weird throat noises.

    • Annie

      My mom was on medicine – I think for high blood pressure – that made her throat dry or scratchy so she constantly cleared it. She was aware and I think a little sensitive about it. I would not say anything, but I do sympathize with you that it is annoying! (It is probably annoying to him, too.)

      The only thing I can come up with for you to do is have a bowl of peppermints on your desk and hope he takes them! Might give you (and him) some temporary relief.

      • Notalawyer

        My sister and a former co-worker had this problem as well. In both cases it was their blood pressure meds. Once they switched to a different brand, the problem went away.

    • phillygirlruns

      the secretary outside my office does this as well. it drives MY secretary – who sits further down – absolutely crazy, but i’ve just gotten used to it and tuned it out. my secretary speculates that throat-clearing secretary has tourette’s.

    • Mort Goldman

      My secretary does this because of asthma and I clear my throat during allergy season (hayfever) even if I take an allergy pill it only stops the red eyes and sneezing, not the throat drainage. I recommend Honeywell air cleaners set to low. It covers up a lot of the annoying noises that distract me. (ex. the copier beeping every 20 seconds from the time the toner is 1/3 full to almost empty that NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO HEAR and the fact that my neighbor picks up the phone on speaker for outgoing calls and lets the dial tone go until the phone goes to the busy signal and repeats until he finds the number instead of finding the numer AND THEN picking up the phone.)

      I was able to get a doctor’s prescription (for cleaner air at work) for it and used my flex spending to pay for it. My boyfriend also got one for his insurance job and used his HSA with a doctor’s note.

      I mean you can’t ask him to stop so, if you can’t figure out a way to interrupt the sound, sign up for meditation classes. Or make it a drinking (water) game to stay hydrated?

      • KC

        No advice, but total sympathy! My office neighbor has “allergies” this week and he’s been clearing his throat every 10 minutes. He is overly polite, and asked me if it bothers him. I said no, because like what a jerk i’d be to say yes, your sickness is an inconvience to me?! i did buy some cough drops that I think taste yummy and left them on my desk – trying to think of a way to force them upon him…

    • BB

      Um yeah, he probably has a physical issue. I have a horrible cough sometimes from lung damage as a child. This is a daily occurrence. It doesn’t sound pleasant, but it’s pretty much necessary to my survival. So I’d suck it up and just be glad it’s not you.

    • 312

      Ugh! My old co-worker did that and it drove me bonkers. I tried offering him a cough drop during a particularly bad episode as a way to at least introduce him to his loud noises. Never did work though. Sadly, it was one of many factors that influenced me to leave that job (my other coworker with rampant bo/cigarette breath helped too!). Good luck. Keep us posted if you find something that works!

  11. so very anonymous

    I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who posted yesterday evening on my thread about my SIL and her mental health issues affecting my upcoming firm position.
    Your professional advice was wonderful. What was even more wonderful, and moved me to tears, was learning that I’m not the only person in the world who has had to deal with an issue like this. I’m the only person in my ‘real life’ world who has ever been the object of a person’s paranoia/delusions, and I didn’t realize how stressful that was until I read your responses last night and realized that I wasn’t the only person who has gone through this.

    So, thank you a thousand times.

  12. newname

    Threadjack about a name change –

    I’m a 2011 law grad, and I’m getting married in Sept 2012. I have always planned to take my fiance’s name, but now I’m wondering about changing my name when I’m a year into my career. I realize it’s early, so it’s better than changing after 10 years of practice or something. But I also feel like I’ve put a lot of work into making connections with my current name and I don’t want to lose that momentum! Any thoughts or advice on this?

    Thanks!

    • Annie

      You could keep your maiden name as your middle name and use it when making introductions. (“Hello, this is Suzy Simpson Jones.”) Then people will recognize your name, and you can take your husband’s name.

      • Sconnie

        My first reply disappeared, so apologies if this ends up being a repeat.

        I’ve seen established female attorneys do this – maiden name as middle name, married name as last name – and I’ve also seen the opposite – keep maiden name as last name and change middle name to married name.

        • JessC

          A co-worker of mine does FirstName MiddleInitial MaidenName MarriedName. It’s a little long, but it seems to work for her.

      • Former MidLevel

        This seems to be very common these days. In fact, I had hard time convincing my firm’s HR department that I was *not* using this convention.

    • Cat

      (1) Are you planning to convert your maiden name into your middle name? Many attorneys I know have gone that path, and then used their full name in their email signature block / on their business cards.

      (2) Alternatively, I’ve seen women use FirstName MarriedName (Maiden) for a period of time following the wedding (and then as necessary if it’s the first contact with someone months later).

      I think there have been threads on this before, though, so also suggest googling!

      • Blonde Lawyer

        I did number 2. Also, on the phone I’d say this is first name married name, formerly maiden name, for the first time I talked to someone after the wedding.

    • anon

      I mean this in a completely non-judgmental way…but…why do you want to take your fiance’s name? In this day and age, I just really don’t understand why women still do that, since it’s no longer expected by society.

      • newname

        It doesn’t really matter to me whether it’s expected by society or not, it’s expected by me! I think it’s romantic.

          • different anon

            I think it’s romantic too! But I dislike my fiance’s last name. I know that’s totally silly, and have no issues with using it for any potential children, but I like my own so much more . . .

        • making trouble

          Is his career name-dependent? He could always take yours. Equally romantic, if you think taking a name is romantic and not subservient. See what his reaction is to that and you’ll find out whether he thinks it’s romantic or subservient/expected by society.

          If you have a good base of connections, don’t change your name or at least don’t do it professionally. Why add obstacles to your own advancement?

          • newname

            It’s definitely equally romantic – but I like his name better! And I’m not really worried about him secretly harboring some belief that it’s subservient or expected, haha. I was more looking for advice on how to make the transition, but thanks!

          • AIMS

            Not trying to start trouble either, but interesting to note that most men just would not do it. Even nice, progressive ones. I actually had a friend who considered it (his wife’s last name was super awesome) and his family lost their sh*t to such a degree at just the thought that he quickly determined it wasn’t worth the trouble. I don’t have a position either way, but it’s definitely far from an equal playing field where this is concerned.

      • Anonymous

        Not the original poster but — to answer the question — for some people, to be on a team, it helps to wear the same uniform.

        • anon

          true. it’s just that, you know, it’s always the women who have to wear the men’s uniforms. but I think the simple “it’s romantic” answer actually makes a lot of sense to me. in life, we do plenty of things just because they are romantic, without deconstructing the symbolism behind everything. i know i do!

          • SC

            I changed my last name primarily because I find it romantic! I was talking to another recently married friend about the name change, and she said her husband changed his middle name to her maiden name. So he had to go get new social security card, ID, bank info, etc. just like she did, and they have the same middle and last names! Even more romantic!

          • Godzilla

            SC, that’s pretty cute, actually, and I’m anti-namechange in general. Good for your friends.

        • Anonymous

          Yes. Which is why it is universal that the woman change her name, instead of y’know how they do it in China or Scandinavian countries or even in plenty of European marriages where the woman was nobility so the man took her name or in Spanish cultures where everybody who’s nobility / royalty just added all the last names up.

          Changing your last name is socially arbitrary. For most of history no one but royalty had last names at all. If you like it, go for it! But please don’t pretend it has some “deeper meaning” about connectedness or romance or teamwork. It’s a social construct followed by a percentage of people on the planet. It has and probably will continue to change over time.

          Saying ‘I would like to participate in a social convention’ is really all you need.

          It’s like wearing heels: there’s a list of horrible things that wearing heels is doing to your knees/hips/ankles. There’s no REASON to wear heels and plenty not to. But it’s a social convention. Participate in it or not is fine, but don’t try to pretend there’s a GOOD reason to ignore your foot/leg health, destroy your meniscus, or give yourself sciatica. It’s just a social convention.

          • just Karen

            If you really want to go down that road, marriage itself is a social convention – I’m about to be married and am planning on changing my last name and moving my maiden name to my middle name – not a decision I take lightly. I have a hard time stomaching people being judgmental about my very personal decision. The problem I have with your comparison to heels is the assumption that changing my name is harmful to me. I have the same name as a local celebrity, and get mixed up with her/comments made about it ALL the time. My new name, which is my own choosing, is going to actually give me a chance to have more ownership of my named identity than I currently have.

          • newname

            Just because it’s a social construct doesn’t mean it can’t make me feel a certain way – be it romantic, connected, part of a team.

          • SB

            Also wearing heels makes my legs look better. So maybe you need another analogy. :)

      • non

        Not the OP, but my take is that sharing a last name can work to signal to yourself and others that you and your spouse are a family unit. It’s also possible to like your fiance’s last name better than your own – for pronunciation/spelling/way it sounds with your first name purposes.

        • Ruby

          also- news flash- changing namr from what, your male father”s name? i dont feel overly attached tlo mine, it doesnt define me. i havent changed mine after 10 yrs but might now that we are having a baby to make things easier but for the dreaded paperwork.

          i like when people make up a new combo name together and both use it, have friends who have done this.

      • cc

        Well at somepoint, family wise, someone has to take someone’s last name. Like the first generation of children could have hyphenated names, but then what about their kids? So I think some people want the same name as their children. (I do). And my husband would not change his name to mine. I’m planning on changing mine, but I’ll always be cc maiden name to a bunch of people I’m sure.

        • Anonynonynony

          I don’t really think we need to turn this into an argument about name-changing, since that’s not what OP asked. But I had a different name than my mother and I survived pretty much whole. And you know what the hyphenated generation does, it makes its own decisions? Every hyphen I know is making different choices that works for THEM. That’s how it works.

          Anyway — it sounds like OP has made her choice, so that’s what works for her.

          • cc

            that’s why I said some* people. And that at some* point, some*one will have to change their name. I wasn’t arguing at all… and you called me out for arguing yet didn’t contradict anything I said. I was just making a broader point that even though it is not expected by society, someone in society, at somepoint, will probably have to change their names.

          • Anonynonynony

            Sorry cc — I’m not sure I was directly replying to you. I was just saying in general this seemed to be devolving into a “should you change your name at all” debate — which really wasn’t the OP’s question.

            :-P

          • Bananarama

            I don’t think someone ever has to take someone else’s last name. Example: My friend has her mom’s and dad’s last names. Her husband has his mom’s and dad’s last names. They picked one each to pass on to the kids. They can do the same thing (or not – the point is that there is no point that where someone *has* to take someone else’s name).

          • cc

            Right I guess the broader point would be at somepoint, a name needs to get lost in the shuffle

      • SF Bay Associate

        It actually is still expected by society in many areas – one of the recent advice columns on WaPo was about a recently married woman getting harassed by her coworkers for not changing her name.

        I’ve been working for several years and am in process of changing mine to First Middle HisLast. DH has a dying last name and it’s very important to him that I join. The way I look at it is basically that scene from The Simpsons movie – there comes a time (or a few times) in every marriage where one spouse can say to the other “I need you to do this for me, please.” This is one of those things for him. I do have some mixed feelings about it, but on balance, it’s much more important to him that I change it than it is to me that I keep it.

        • JJ

          btw, SF Bay Associate, you’re my favorite person ever because you quoted The Simpsons Movie for this. And I knew exactly what you meant.

      • anon

        i didn’t change my name when i married. i simply didn’t want to, and my spouse simply didn’t care enough to persuade me otherwise (i could not have been persuaded, but the point is we never even discussed it) and it works fine for us.
        but, that said, i couldn’t care less if someone calls us mr and mrs. hislastname in an invite, letter, or in conversation, it doesn’t even register as a thing for me. (and bizarrely all the mail my brother sends us at home says mr. and mrs. hislastname, i dont get it, so weird)
        BUT husband cringes when someone calls us mr and mrs mylastname. we recently took a very romantic vacation where i made all of the reservations under my name. he spent the whole week irritated by the nice bottles of wine and other gestures hotel staff made because they left us notes and addressed us as mr and mrs mylastname. i didn’t get what the big deal was, who cares? they don’t know us. but he simply didn’t appreciate it.
        ugh. must be a guy thing, but seriously the confusion is unavoidable unless you go out of your way to correct it–which i think would be silly for something like that situation.
        it was so annoying, next time i’ll just made reservations under his name to avoid the unnecessary drama.

      • Bonnie

        I couldn’t wait to ditch my maiden name. It has nothing to do with not being connected to my family or thinking that I needed to change my name. My maiden name was very long and very difficult to pronounce. I love that I no longer have to spell and pronounce my name repeatedly now. I made the change several years after becoming an attorney and have had no problems.

        • Harriet Chalmers

          THIS! My maiden name was complicated and usually spelled incorrectly even by people from that particular ethnic group. I was delighted to change my name at the first possible opportunity. Husband laughs that his last name was one of the things I must have been attracted to when we met. Heh.

      • Anon

        The “romance” answer honestly icked me. But I too plan to change my name: my SO has a lovely name and I have a horrible one. I also have a terrible relationship with my dad and no relationship with his family. My SO’s family is great, and I’m proud to join it and share their name.

        • baylaw

          In the same boat! Can’t stand my father, wish my SO’s last name fit better with my ethnic first name though…

    • TCFKAG

      I’m in the same boat, sort of, only I just got married and haven’t really gotten around to making the change yet. I think either using it as a middle name is good or the parentheses can work, or you can hyphenate! But do remember that most ethical rules require that you practice under whatever your legal name is, so don’t do the thing some people do, which is change it personally but keep the maiden name professionally.

      At the rate I’m currently going, I feel like I’m going to get around to filling out the paperwork for the name change around the time we have kids. Ha!

      • Lynnet

        I got married a year and a half ago, with every intention of changing my name. But we went abroad for our honeymoon, so I couldn’t do it before that, and then the day after we got back 3L year started and I had a case going to trial in three weeks, and I still have my maiden name. I keep on saying I’ll change it, but now I want to wait until I have a job to avoid messing up my job search.

        The nice thing is that I was a little uncertain about changing it when we got married (probably why I wasn’t as on top of the process as I should have been), but now I’m positive I want to change it. So it was kind of nice to have that time to work through my feelings on the topic.

        • MissJackson

          I agree that it’s been nice to think it over. I was also a little bit on the fence, internally, which is probably why I wasn’t as on top of the process as I should have bee, too. I got a feel for how having two different last names plays out on a day-to-day (err, and year-to-year) basis.

      • MissJackson

        I got married two years ago. Fully intend to change my name. Also have not gotten around to it. Also think I may not get to it until we have kids. I kind of can’t believe I’m not the only one.

        I do the opposite of what a lot of people do — I use my husband’s name “socially” but not legally (so my REAL name is MissJackson Maiden, and my law-practicing name is MissJackson Maiden, but my “social” (fb/return address/etc) is MissJackson Maiden Hubby.)

        • anon

          I was thinking of doing this as well — keeping my maiden name legally but using his name socially. Do you ever run into any problems with that set up?

          • MissJackson

            Zero problems so far, and we’re at nearly 2 years. Many of the people in my (social) life simply think that I have legally changed my name. I tried to think of a situation where this misconception might be a problem, but I haven’t really come up with anything — unless you have people likely to gift you an airline ticket? (which needs to be in your legal name).

          • anon

            ughhhhh see my anon comment above, hubby HATES when people call mr. mylastname at dinner reservations, hotels, or other things i did using my credit card that we participate in together.

        • Amy H.

          This is what I do — I had already had 10 years of practice as an attorney with my maiden name before I got married, so I wanted to keep that name professionally. I also (to be honest) didn’t want to go through the administrative hassle of legally changing my name. So my legal name is still Amy MaidenName, and that’s how I handle everything professionally (and that’s what all my credit cards/driver’s license/passport say), but socially I often use Amy HisName — especially when booking restaurant and hotel reservations! His name is much easier to say/spell. And of course his large extended family all write holiday cards to “Husband and Amy Hisname” which I thought would bug me — but turns out doesn’t bug me at all.

          It’s nice to take the time to reflect on exactly what you want.

          • Amy H.

            Oh, and to anon — I have experienced zero problems in the 3 and a half years we’ve been married. Although there was that one vacation where, because I’d handled the booking and put down my credit card (and not said anything else), he got called “Mr. MaidenName” for a week. Hee. Happily my husband took it in stride. Now I just put “Amy HisName” in whatever “Name” field there is but put my legal name where the online form calls for “Name on Credit Card.”

    • Baby DC Attorney

      I too am a 2011 grad and I’m getting married in September! Our day is September 22nd — are we getting married the same day?

      FWIW I’m planning to change my current last name to my “middle” name and then add his last name to the end.

      • newname

        September 22 indeed, haha. Good choice.

        I’ve thought of the maiden/middle name option, but that would make my initials all the same letter. Which is not a big deal but I don’t love it. Maybe I’ll have two middle names?

        • Godzilla

          Really? I think it would be kind of awesome to have my initials all be the same letter. But my opinion doesn’t matter. I’m the loser that’d walk around initialing things as G^3.

    • phillygirlruns

      i got married and took my husband’s last name one year exactly after starting my career. it was not an issue in the least. i considered starting my career by using his name professionally, since we were engaged when i started with my firm, but it felt awkward and wrong. i kept my maiden name in parentheses in my signature for several months, with a “please note that my contact information has changed” line, and the firm has up my new email address, etc., so that anyone who searched for me by maiden name or emailed my old address would still get to me. honestly, whatever connections you’ve made at this point will not be swayed by a new name, and it’s unlikely that you’ll be so established a year out that the name change will be at all detrimental to your reputation/recognition/etc.

      i contemplated keeping my maiden name, since i didn’t feel any overwhelming desire to have the same last name as my husband, but the tipping point for me was that my “new” name was significantly easier to spell and pronounce.

      • newname

        My reply keeps getting deleted – but this is exactly what I was looking for. Thanks for sharing!

    • BB

      I took my maiden name as my middle name when I got married. I think it’s made it a lot easier for former colleagues to locate me via LinkedIn or Facebook, but I kind of regret it because my maiden name is also a man’s first name. I wasn’t into the whole hyphenation thing, but I’m not sure if I would do it again. It’s also weird that I don’t have my original middle name any more. I didn’t like it, but now that it’s gone, I feel kind of bad about it.

      • Totes McGotes

        I never got why people do this. I would change it so that they are both my last name, just like how Mary Anne can be a first name. It would just be a long last name with a space in it. Or, I would change to his entirely and just throw the maiden name in whenever I felt like it – no one can ever take away the fact that that was your birth name.

        • BB

          Well, as I said, I didn’t care for my middle name. I didn’t want a two-fer last name. I sign only my first and last name, but legal documents show first, middle and last. I did it because I wanted to at the time. I like the way all three names sound together, but not for normal everyday use.

      • North Shore

        I kept my middle name AND added my husband’s last name, so my social security card now reads First Middle Maiden Last. Professionally, I use First Maiden Last, and everywhere else, after 15 years now, I’ve pretty much dropped the Middle and the Maiden.

    • Eloise Speghetti

      I commented about this below as well. I am not married – or close. But I think for me, it will depend on the situation or person (or name). I have many first names used from the formal to every nickname imaginable with it and never cared to really organize that (please, call me Betsy). My last name is the only thing consistent. Plus I really like it (even though it’s not REALLY Italian food misspelled). I used to feel like if I ever changed it, I would disappear from my career!

      But realistically, I don’t think it affects your career as much you think. With LinkedIN and all the other ways to find you (law firm website), it’s easy to distinguish for those who are cornfused. As long as you have it in paratheses or as a middle name for at least the beginning, people will figure it out.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      This may be too philosophical for some but I got married young and for me changing my name was symbolic of starting my new life. So I went from living with my parents as a dependent under maiden name. And a big girl, married and on my own under my new name. There was brief time in between where we were engaged and I had moved out of my parent’s house and I was working but the name change just seemed to symbolize the change and the unit.

      As far as the subservient issue, I have a unique family where my husband does most of the traditionally woman duties and I do more of the man duties. He cooks, cleans, grocery shops, takes the pets to the vet. I work long hours, make more money, take the cars in to be serviced, take out the trash, kill bugs, and investigate strange noises in the house.

      So, here is the thing, despite me doing all the “man” stuff, I still feel like my husband takes care of me. I still feel dependent on him. So I really wasn’t worried about the old philosophy that the name change symbolized going from the care of my parents to the care of my husband because, well I was and am. I couldn’t have the life I have and do what I do without him doing the stuff that he does. I don’t think that makes me less independent or less modern in anyway. I don’t think the name change means that he owns me either. It just means that we are one unit.

      And yes, he would have taken my name too.

      • Anon

        This is how I feel as well. We married young and it did seem to symbolize starting a new, grown up life. Now, I am a lawyer and he is a stay-at-home dad and does the majority of the cleaning, cooking, shopping, ect. Though I still ask him to kill bugs, haha! He certainly does not “own” me and I like that we all have the same last name.

    • wawa

      2010 grad, getting married soon. Will not be taking husband’s last name. Sure, it may be slightly more convenient to have the same last name, but it’s not like it will severely tax people’s brains to understand that we go by different last names. I like my last name, and for me, I look at it that I’m maintaining my independent identity up to and including marriage–I will still be the same person I always was, and my name should reflect that.

      • stc

        As one final comment on the name business-I practiced for a year, switched jobs to the private sector and took my husband’s name (we had been married about a year). The big thing for me was that I was a child of divorce where there were multiple different names. We are expecting our first child in June and it was very important to me that we all have the same last name. When I was younger I fully expected to keep my name, but when the time came this was what I wanted. I ended up using my maiden name as my last name. What’s super funny is that my husband’s name is hyphenated and he insists it is “one name.” so I ended up taking two names.

        • long time lurker

          I am engaged and will not be taking husband’s name. I have been an attorney for 12 years, have written numerous articles under my name, am referenced in court documents, etc. Also, more importantly to me, I view my last name as a link to my father (deceased) and his family. I was close to my father and he was my biggest cheerleader, so I want to have the same name as him. My family is also small and there are not many of us, so I want to keep the name alive.

    • Research, Not Law

      I experienced no issues after taking taking my husband’s name ~3 years into my career. (My maiden name was dropped completely). When applying for a new position about two years after the name change, such that referenced would have known me by my maiden name, I put my name on top as FirstName (MaidenLast) MarriedLast. I have an academic CV with publications listed, so it was additionally obvious since publications under my maiden name were included. My thinking is that name changes related to marriage/divorce happen all the time, so it’s not hard for people to understand or follow.

    • Anon for Now

      I was married 5 years ago, 2 years into my career as a lawyer. I did not take my husband’s last name because my career was just getting started. I am really glad I did not take his name because we are now divorcing. (He apparently wants to relive his college years and doesn’t want the responsibilities of life slowing him down.) If I had taken his name, I would be in this awkward place trying to decide if I should keep his name for professional reasons.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t have any real advice re: the professional aspect of the name change. My mother is a nurse and she kept her maiden name on her license and goes by that name at work, but to everyone else she’s taken my dad’s name. Basically she goes by both, but I think the maiden name has remained her legal name. She has no feminist reasons for not changing, I think it was just a professional choice because she got married many years into her professional career, and getting the license changed was more hassle than just not getting it changed especially when her academic credentials were in her maiden name. You could maybe try some hybrid of this scheme? I understand that legally it might be more difficult because there are ethics issues with practicing law under certain names, but maybe keep the maiden name legal and just introduce yourself to non-professional contacts as Mrs. MarriedName? Or honestly, you’re only a year out, I doubt you’re the first professional contact of most people who had a sudden name-change due to a change in marital status. You’ll just have to tell people and it shouldn’t be a huge deal.

      As far as other people commenting on your decision to take or not take your future-DH’s name, I fail to see how it is anyone’s business but your own. I don’t mean that in a rude way, but seriously, it’s your name, your husband, and your life, not anyone else’s. I’m not overly feminist personally, but I’m firmly in the camp of my life, my consequences, my decision. Just as I don’t appreciate the all-male, half-priest (read: celibate) panel making decisions re: my access to birth control, I don’t appreciate anyone else’s input in my personal decisions unless I specifically ask.

      Ok, mini post-lunch rant over :) Back to workkkkk….

    • Julie

      I got married two years out of law school, never even considered changing my name nor did my husband think I might. I’m in the group that just doesn’t understand the name-change idea as romance or otherwise, but plenty of my friends have changed their names and I don’t judge them for it. (I’d say it’s about half and half.)

      My husband has a slightly difficult-to-pronounce-and-spell name, mine is super easy. His brothers have children with their family name, and I have only sisters who took their husbands’ names (one who turned out to be a complete, um, d**che-blastere and who is now an ex, my sister’s stuck with his name after being married 12 years), meaning there were no kids with my family name. So . . . we decided to give our son my last name, DH’s not even a middle name.

      This has caused no real problems. There are occasional snarky comments from people like hospital clerks (our insurance is in DH”s name), about whether we’re “really” married or whether DH is our son’s actual father, but generally it’s no big deal. We live in a pretty hippy/lefty community, and I’d say half my son’s friends have parents with different names (and several have same-sex parents) or with hyphens or even made-up married names. One couple likes wolves for some mystical reason and they both changed their names to “Wolf” when they got married. Our son is 17 and does not seem to be traumatized by not having his dad’s last name.

      So do what you want and what works for your family; don’t worry about anyone else.

        • Susan

          Love this. If the wolf couple decides to have kids and their kids do anything silly, the kids can say, “well, it’s because we were raised by wolves….”

    • Clueless Summer

      On this topic, I have a quick question for all of you. My plan is and always has been to take his last name (even before there was a relevant man) because “I want to participate in a social convention” or whatever. It’s always been important to me. Very important.

      But the thing is…he has a name of a different ethnicity/language from mine, which has an English pronounciation (which is quite ugly) and a linguistically correct pronounciation (which is nice). So there are two issues – first, people will identify me as that culture/linguistic group (which is fine, but not true and tends to have a politically charged component that I’m unfamiliar with) and second, how do I pronounce the name when I identify myself??? I speak the language, not fluently, but enough, if that makes any difference. Does anyone have experience on this?

      • P

        I don’t have any insight in to the first question (although I sort of have the inverse problem — I’m a visible minority who has a non-ethnic last name and NO ONE seems to understand it’s my last name because it’s too non-ethnic), but as to the second, well, obviously, pronounce it in the way that you feel most comfortable and like best! I don’t think there’s a “right” answer as to how you should pronounce it. Unfortunately, people will pronounce it your way or just screw it up anyway and there’s not much you can do about that, so pronounce it in the way that makes you happiest.

      • Totes McGotes

        I would say pronounce it the way you want to hear it back – though that won’t stop people from just making up a pronunciation.

      • Godzilla

        Pronounce the name in the manner which you’d prefer it to be pronounced. People will be able to pronounce it correctly, or not. But you say your name the way you like it.

      • DC Kolchitongi

        I’m a white woman married to a Korean man whose last name is highly unfortunate sounding in English. I absolutely use the Korean pronunciation of his last name! I know it can come across as pretentious. But honestly, I think using the crappy English pronunciation activates some heuristic in people’s heads that causes them to see my husband not as the tall, dark, & handsome man he is but as a collection of Korean stereotypes that include “kimchi”, “dry cleaning”, “small p***s”, and other unlovely things. (Yes, I’ve actually heard all of these from drunk coworkers — UGH.) I don’t want people to see him that way and I certainly don’t want people to think of our children that way. Obviously changing the pronunciation of his last name doesn’t singlehandedly solve this problem — but in my opinion, it matters more than you might initially think.

        To give you an example as to why… My own last name is one that’s almost exclusively associated with Black people (along the lines of “Washington” or “King”). I have a pretty sizable collection of documents — nametags, certificates, rosters, what have you — that incorrectly identify me as FirstName + WhiterVersionOfMyBlackLastName. Think “Jackson” changed to “Johnson”. The combination of my ethnicity and my last name clearly causes some measure of cognitive dissonance, and sometimes people relieve it by subconsciously changing my name to one that better matches my appearance. All of which is to say, ‘ethnic’-sounding names can have a lot of subconscious psychological associations strongly attached to them; in my husband’s case, those associations are hurtful and unflattering and I’d really like to avoid triggering them. So I choose to go with the Korean pronounciation of his name even if it makes me sound like a pretentious douche.

        tl;dr: Go with the linguistically correct pronunciation of your husband’s last name. And congrats on your upcoming wedding! :)

        • DC Kolchitongi

          Forgot to add, in case it wasn’t obvious, I didn’t change my name when we got married. It’s not Korean tradition to do so and I didn’t want to anyhow, since I like my name the way it is and that’s how I’m used to thinking of myself. No judgement on anyone who does change theirs, it just wasn’t my choice.

  13. Comment on weight

    Disclaimer: I know that by venting on this issue, it may come across as “it’s so hard to be beautiful,” etc. (which I am not), but a few comments in the last few days from my colleagues have really frustrated me.

    I am skinny – mostly due to genes. Why do people, especially in a professional environment, think it is okay to comment on my weight because I am skinny and not overweight? I am an associate in a small office of a large, national firm, and just this week several people made comments to me about eating, being “tiny”, etc. What really bothered me was that just yesterday, as I was reaching for a donut at an attorney meeting, a female partner said – albeit in a jovial tone – that it made her sick how skinny I was and that I needed to eat more. I am not sure how many others could have heard. Regardless, how can I respond politely to let people, including my superiors, that I don’t appreciate comments on my weight?

    • newbie chi lawyer

      THIS! I would love to hear what people have to say about this! I don’t think it’s anyone’s business what i weigh or what I eat, but I am definitely not comfortable saying “that’s none of your business” to a superior. Help.

    • TCFKAG

      With people I have to be polite to (like said partner), I’d probably go with some iteration of “Just lucky I guess. You should see me destroy a burger…” or something of the like.

      With people I had to be less polite with, I’d either give them a cold stare or just say, “Yup, that’s just how I’m built. Thanks for pointing it out.”

      Also, I really, really, really don’t understand how anyone thinks its still okay to comment on anyone’s weight in the office. Who knows — you could be struggling with a serious eating disorder or you could have a chronic illness that causes malnutrition or whatever. Lots of skinny people (not necessarily you) have body image issues.

      I say chalk it up to people being idiots and try to ignore as best you can.

    • a.

      I hear ya, sister. I usually smile politely and either act like I haven’t heard them, or say something like “Well, you know how much I run!” or, if I’m feeling snarky, “Yeah, I hit the genetic jackpot.” Although I’m more likely to get “You’re eating ALL of that? How are you so tiny?” than “You need to eat more.”

      I would never comment on someone else’s food choices. I have no idea why people think that they can comment on mine.

    • Anonymous

      I feel for you. I think you need to find an answer that puts people in their place, politely.

      I am a six-foot female and for my entire adult life, I have heard comments along the lines of “wow, you’re tall” “why are you wearing heels?” and my favorite, “do you play basketball?” To the last question, I laugh and say, “of COURSE NOT. By the way, if I was five feet tall, would you ask I was a jockey?” That usually shuts people up pretty fast.

      Seriously. Unless its a compliment, people should just not comment on appearance.

      • Totes McGotes

        Having grown up tall and constantly annoyed by the basketball question, I wish I could retroactively steal the jockey response. You rock.

      • non

        I think the people making the skinny comments think that it IS a compliment, since skinny is something we are “supposed” to aspire to.

        Not that it makes it an actual compliment, or appropriate. Just don’t judge other people’s food habits, I guess?

    • anon

      Culturally speaking it’s still “OK” to slam skinny people. We’re know we should withhold comments about those who appear overweight (and even the term, “overweight” is a topic of debate – who are you to say that they weigh more than they should?) but comments like – “she looks anorexic, that’s gross” are deemed OK and even progressive – one step in the fight to liberate women’s bodies from unrealistic expectations, I guess. The sad fact is that there is much less empathy out there for people who have to endure underweight comments than from people who endure the opposite.

      It all stinks. No answers for you, I’m sorry.

    • Totes McGotes

      I’m sure this is no help, but just know that they are truly envious and assume that their comments must be welcome because they’re meant as compliments.

    • also "skinny"

      I also get comments all the time. Just yesterday someone said, “We need to have a biggest loser contest here. Well, not you, you’re like the size of…. well, I don’t know, something small. But yeah, you don’t need to join the contest.” I’ve also gotten comments about how I’m lucky to be naturally thin while I’m at the gym doing boot camp! In that situation, I normally respond about the fact that if you notice, I’m in this class EVERY.SINGLE. WEEK. If I’m at work, I tend to just ignore the comments. If I’m feeling grumpy, I’ll make a comment about how working out keeps me thin, with the implication that if they want to be thin, they too could choose to be in the gym 3x+ times per week, doing boot camp/mileage/running. I know people have medical issues etc. that may make weight management difficult, but if you feel that you can comment on the my weight, you kind of deserve a comment back that suggests a workout routine.

      • also "skinny"

        Wow, typos in my post above, please pardon my inability to form sentences this morning!

      • also "skinny"

        One more thing, I will say that if I have a decent relationship with someone, and they’re genuinely asking a question about my workout routine/diet/weight management, I’m happy to answer it. If I know someone is interested in working out or nutrition, and they have a body that I would like to emulate, I’d ask what their calf routine/bicep routine/ab routine is. But, it’s never couched as, “You must not eat anything to have such a flat stomach!!!” It’s more, “Man, I need to work on my abs, got any good tips for a new routine?” And again, I’m not saying this to a random stranger or co-worker while blatantly staring at their mid-section. So, if someone says to me, “I’d like to work on my arms, what’s your arm routine?” I’m much less offended and happy to give them some pointers. I know I’ve wanted tips before, so I don’t mind if it’s a sincere question without judgment.

        • PittsburghAnon

          Yes, totally this. I have nice arms and am more than happy to tell people how I got them (heavy deadlifts, pull-ups, and bench pressing – no direct arm work at all and definitely not 100 reps of curls with 5lb dumbbells) to spread the “lift heavier!” gospel. But I don’t have a similar polite response for random “you’re thin, you should eat this donut instead!” comments.

      • Em

        I feel your frustration, and don’t think it’s okay for people to talk about you like that AT ALL, but note that all your bigger co-workers were, at that same time, being told they should join a biggest loser competition. That’s why I don’t think a “You should be working out” comment is helpful; you’re insulting the person who’s talking to you but you’re also insulting anyone who’s larger than the person you’re talking to at the same time.

      • TCFKAG

        Okay “skinny” not to be reverse snarky — but even if I went to the gym 3+ times a week for 3 hours a day and ate nothing, I still wouldn’t be “skinny”, its not how I’m built. I know this because I have. So in some ways that reply is just as ignorant as the original reply.

        Seriously though, weight should just be off the table as a topic of conversation. Its none of anyones business anyway.

        • also "skinny"

          But I wouldn’t tell you to work out and eat nothing in the first place. And, I usually don’t tell them to work out, I simply state that I choose to work out. I recognize that not everyone has the same body type, but constantly telling me that I’m, “sssooooo luucckkyyy to be skiiinnnyyy” starts to warrant comments like, “Yes, well, I’m in the gym quite a bit/I run a lot/I lift weights, so ya know, that’s why I’m thin”. Again, I don’t bring out passive-aggressive comments like that unless you constantly make comments to me about my weight. But to your point, taking it off the table is the best choice.

          • zelda

            As someone who is naturally a little bit overweight and has a lot of mental issues from being genetically this way, it’s a lot easier for me to hear someone say something along the lines of ‘it takes a lot of work and sacrifice for me to maintain this weight’ rather than the ‘you should see me demolish a burger’ type of comments which just seem to be gloating about winning the genetic lottery. I understand that it must be hard to answer those comments (I imagine it’s similar to how I feel when friends make throwaway comments about my career without acknowledging the years of study and work put in while they were doing other things), but as someone who is used to working hard and achieving whatever I put my mind to, it’s also really hard to be constantly reminded that I will never ever be as thin as some people are without even trying.
            I try to never comment on someone’s weight or the way they eat because (a) it’s just easier for me mentally, and (b) you never know what issues someone has around food and weight.

    • Eloise Speghetti

      This happens to me too. “You can afford the donut, you are skinny!”

      My mom is a gym teacher and is also very thin. But from college I know that even if my diet is pizza, I won’t gain much weight. However, one time during a blood drive, I got a free cholesterol reading. It was pretty high for 20! I found out that my family has really high cholesterol – especially the skinny genes people.

      My response is always: “I wear the weight in my arteries, don’t worry!” I find that it is annoying but in retrospect, not the worst concern to have :)

    • Lucy

      I tend to say, as though the person has suggested real concern for my health or well-being, “I’ve been feeding myself for X years now, and so far … [dramatic pause]… so good!” and then smile my cheeriest, sunniest smile.

    • j.

      On the flip side, I’ve gained about 20 pounds during cancer treatment and the managing partner gave me advice last week about “focusing on my health” and “being happy.” His advice? Instead of spending money on fancy purses and shoes, maybe I should spend that money on a personal trainer and dietician and get back to my “happy, thin self.” The only upside of the conversation is that I found out that I really have learned to bite my tongue when all I want to do is bitch someone out.

      • PM

        J — I read this shortly after you posted and cannot stop thinking about this dope. I am so sorry this happened to you. I kind of want you to tell me where he parks his car, so I can ram my old Subaru into it while he’s at work saying hurtful, ignorant things.

      • Amy H.

        Holy crap, that’s horrible. I’m sorry you had to hear anything of the sort on top of going through treatment. I hope you’re *feeling* good health-wise.

    • Houda

      I have a very fast metabolism and have to eat every 2 hours or I starve to tears. I have always been this way. In college people wouldn’t notice because I would be around different people throughout the day.
      Now that I am stuck to a cubicle, I keep all my snacks nearby.
      I am not skinny, but not overweight. I get at least 3 remarks per day about my munching habits.
      My coping is to stare at them and say: I have a fast metabolism and I workout “alot” (wink to eponine about teh alot animal). This is meant to be slightly mean and it works.

      • cfm

        Really all food and weight related comments should be offlimits. As someone who was next to the cubicle of a muncher though, it. drove. me. crazy. It was constant wrappers noises, munching, crunching, etc. They may be passively agressively be asking you if its necessary. And it is so you can tell them to stfu, but I’m guessing that is what they are doing.

    • j.

      On the flip side, I’ve gained about 20 pounds during cancer treatment and the managing partner gave me advice last week about “focusing on my health” and “being happy.” His advice? Instead of spending money on fancy purses and shoes, maybe I should spend that money on a personal trainer and dietician and get back to my “happy, thin self.” The only upside of the conversation is that I found out that I really have learned to bite my tongue when all I want to do is b*tch someone out.
      [posted before but stuck in moderation because of lack of asterisk – apologies in advance if posts twice]

    • Alana

      As someone with a similar build, I just say that my mother is even thinner (because it’s true). She tried to gain weight in college by eating lots of dairy, but it didn’t work.

    • associate

      After trying to explain my weight (consistant exercise, eating what I want in moderation).. I gave up and took the passive-agressive route. Went into my office (right next to HRs), which has paper thin walls, and loudly vented to my friend about why everyone has to comment on my weight because I’m skinny, noting that skinny people are self-concious too. The comments magically stopped after that.

    • Comment on weight OP

      Thank you for all the responses. I suppose it is best to grin and bear it, or decide on default response about being lucky to have high metabolis/genes. I agree that 1) any comments about weight should be off limits, and 2) it’s sad that society considers it a “compliment” to point out that I’m skinny. I stil find it degrading, condescending, and a back-handed compliment at best. I believe these comments would not be made to a female partner or a male partner/associate. By making these comments, people are not saying “you look like you are good shape and healthy.” They are veiled criticisms about being skinny, regardless of their origin for that particular person. There are so many factors that go into weight that is not fair to presume anything about a person’s body. Vent over. Thanks.

      • Ruby

        agree. i am the same: very thin, metabolism. it is mostly a blessing i guess but when i get ill, i get dangerously think and it takes months to regain.
        I hate, hate, hate these comments from people, but it never stops. i don’t have a good response. It is really mean. My temptation is (would never do it) to turn it right back on them a’la ‘and you look fat today, maybe you shouldn’t eat that donut’ or whatever. obviously THAT would be utterly socially unacceptable- but for some reason doing it to me isn’t. when i was recovering from a serious illness, weighing under 100lbs, tracking my calories daily for over a year and hoping i woulnd’t die or be permanently disabled, it was hard to bite my tongue. People really do say horrible things.

        While I’ve been pregnant, weird permutations on this- people just love to comment on what you eat and all. Agree fully with all comments saying weight and food should be left alone. It is hurtful.

      • Another Zumba Fan

        I think it’s sad your response is to grin and bear it or say something about being lucky. When people make a comment about my small size, I say “Don’t be rude.”

      • Anon

        I am skinny and also get these remarks. Generally they are from women who are a little chubby and I get that my being thin seems like a huge advantage to them. I know they are envious. I can relate because that is how I feel about women with great skin, envious and like they have it so easy. My thoughts are along the lines of “Oh what would you know, you probably never even had a pimple!” Now I would never say that, which is the difference. People think commenting on how thin you are to your face is a compliment. It’s actually a really personal thing to comment on, much like talking about someone’s skin or their bra size and it indicates that you have been observing their body which is always a bit unsettling, especially at work. I just try and give a really neutral response if at all, like “Okay” or “Right” or laugh or something. I don’t want to get drawn into the whole weight issue discussion. Just because I am thin doesn’t mean I care that you are not thin.

    • Re: Comment on Weight

      I just say the following, because it’s true: I eat a lot because I exercise a lot.

      That usually shuts people up when they comment on my eating habits. I work hard to stay fit, and I don’t need commentary from others. (This coming from someone who’s hard to work hard to be fit throughout her life, including chubby periods during childhood).

  14. anon

    Just have to put in a plug for Hue’s micromesh tights. I always liked the concept of extremely subtle and tightly woven fishnets, but the problem was that I could never actually find fishnets that were tightly woven and/or subtle enough (in my mind, at least) to wear to work. Except now! Basically just sheer black hose with the interest of the fishnet aesthetic, but way way more conservative. Didn’t think twice about wearing it to work. Love these.

  15. 1L

    Question that I hope doesn’t get buried: is it possible to be a high-functioning professional (and by this I mean lawyer) with depression and anxiety? I’m in law school and learning how to deal with it, but its sometimes overwhelming.

    • TCFKAG

      If its not, then the legal profession as we know it would shut down. But seriously, this is an extremely common condition for lawyers (and doctors and other professionals).

      The key is to get yourself the help you need. Make the time to see a therapist (if you’re in law school, you should have access to your school health center), don’t be afraid of medication, practice self-care, and most of all have hope. Not to sound too cliche, it gets better. I know its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it really does get better.

      (BTW, law school can at times be the worst. Its completely normal to have bouts of depression. Find people you trust and talk to them about it — one of the most isolating things about law school is that everyone seems to feel like they have to act invincible.)

      • 1L

        I think that’s one of the worst things about it – I still feel like there isn’t one friend that I can 100% trust, for any reason, six months in. I do see a therapist and take supplements that help, and am learning to deal with it, but it is very isolating.

        I just wonder if it will get worse when I move into the profession – if people are still like this generally in BigLaw firms (what I’m hoping for). If I’ll ever find a group of lawyer friends who I relate to and can confide in. I feel like I’m sick of complaining about law school to my non-law school friends, who probably think I’m full of myself, lol.

        • Em

          I’ve never worked in BigLaw, but I can promise that there are supportive and relateable lawyers out there – it just might take you a while to find them, but if you enjoy the practice of law itself, it’s worth it.

        • TCFKAG

          You say you’re taking supplements — but have you considered a low-dose of a prescription drug. I know its kind of scary to start on the “real” drugs, but they can make you feel immeasurably better. If you had a “physical” ailment, you wouldn’t pause to take the antibiotic, would you?

          Also, first year is the worst. Everyone is trying to show how hard they’re working and how great they are. My first advice to all law students is to ignore the rest of the students because they’re probably full of sh*t. Is there a professor who is a student liaison? But, also, just pick one person who you feel sort of comfortable with (not even really comfortable, just sort of). Say “hey lets go get a drink”. And then bitch, vent, and moan. They will bitch, vent, and moan too. I promise you that you are not alone in your first year class. First year sucks! You just have to break some of those barriers.

        • TCFKAG

          Reposting because I forgot to star a bad word:

          You say you’re taking supplements — but have you considered a low-dose of a prescription drug. I know its kind of scary to start on the “real” drugs, but they can make you feel immeasurably better. If you had a “physical” ailment, you wouldn’t pause to take the antibiotic, would you?
          Also, first year is the worst. Everyone is trying to show how hard they’re working and how great they are. My first advice to all law students is to ignore the rest of the students because they’re probably full of sh*t. Is there a professor who is a student liaison? But, also, just pick one person who you feel sort of comfortable with (not even really comfortable, just sort of). Say “hey lets go get a drink”. And then b*tch, vent, and moan. They will b*tch, vent, and moan too. I promise you that you are not alone in your first year class. First year sucks! You just have to break some of those barriers.

          • Former MidLevel

            Seconded.

            And don’t give up hope of finding lawyer friends in the future. I made only one good friend in law school (and it took a while) but tons once I got into practice. The nice people are out there, I promise!

          • 1L

            I am somewhat scared of real drugs for depression – yeah, I’ll put that out there lol. I’ve had friends who took them and felt a weird flatline change in mood – and I don’t want to play with my mood now by trying different cocktails of drugs, especially when exams are coming up. Thank you though :)

        • AnonInfinity

          I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think that there are all kinds of folks in law school, and sometimes it takes a while to find the ones that you get a long with. Not everyone is intense and back-stabbing. Unfortunately, I don’t have much advice for how to find these people, but just want to give you hope that they’re out there. Same with practice. I’m not in BigLaw (a big firm for my area, but I live in a small Southern state), and there are people here I wouldn’t trust for a minute, but most are completely awesome. There is definitely hope for you to find some people to hang with!

          About non-law school friends — Law school is overwhelming and can take over your life (as can the practice of law, generally). I enjoyed having non-law friends during that time so that I would have someone to talk to about things other than law school. Maybe you’re already doing this, but when you get the urge to complain about school, try talking about something else instead. Of course, complain sometimes, but make sure that’s not the focus of every conversation. Concentrating on that, for me, really helped relieve some of the stress that comes with school.

        • Another S

          You are NOT alone. My law school had a dedicated, full-time therapist in the law building in case we couldn’t handle the 5 minute walk to the health center all the other (non-law) students used. Her appointment calendar was always full. It pretty obvious that lots of us needed help!

          It gets better. Really.

          • Anonymous

            Lol when I was in law school (and clinicially depressed), it was SO enlightening to be early to my psychologist’s appts — I think I saw 20 different law students there over the years.

            We were an unspoken club, the Depressed/Anxious Law Students Club (DALS)…. dammit now that I think back, we could have probably gotten funding or something from the student union.

        • Amy H.

          Six of my very closest friends — and my husband — are other lawyers. I didn’t meet any of them in law school. There are lawyers who are terrific human beings and wonderful friends everywhere — even in BigLaw. It just takes time to find them, and it’s not likely to happen during law school, since law schools attract all sorts of egocentric, screwed-up people in addition to normal people and those can tend to be the loudest, most visible people (and, as others have pointed out, many people deliberately put up a front). It does get better when you’re out in the working world.

    • Eloise Speghetti

      Somewhere (I swear after this I am going back to work) there is an article that depressed people make better lawyers because they are more willing to stick it to someone and find mistakes in arguments whereas happy people are more willing to fold and get back to their happy lives. Don’t let your depression stand in the way of your success or your goals because if you let it, it will.

          • Pretzel_Logic

            1L, you are not alone! Hang in there. It helped me a lot to remember that a) I am not my grades, 2) I need to do things that are “fun”/healthy for me (lots of basketball watching and going to games and gym-related endorphin rush), and 3) if you need to take a Ferris Bueller day every now and again to take a nap, get out of the law building, or just watch 47 straight hours of Criminal Minds/VH1 countdowns, that’s okay. Not going to kill you/murder your GPA (although I avoid skipping class unless I have a fever or am projectile vomiting or something, because, hey, I’m paying for this stuff). I managed to avoid burn out by making sure I took “breaks” to clear my head. I’m a 2L and I’ve managed to build in breaks to make a good meal in the crockpot every now and again, multiple times a week for the gym, and my schedule is clear during ‘Cats games. ;)

            As for the loneliness factor, I’m with you there too. Law school is a weird place but it doesn’t last forever, and I’ve met more people second year and gotten friendlier just because there’s a different mix of people in my classes. You can do this!!

    • Anon, this time

      To 1L, I cannot comment at all about being a lawyer, but I wanted to let you know that it is entirely possible to become a high-functioning professional with these conditions. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder in my teens and, with medication and off-again, on-again therapy, have managed to overcome these problems and accomplish a great deal. Good luck to you!

  16. Batgirl

    I just want to thank you all for your words of wisdom yesterday! I decided to forget the guy once and for all–and I feel much better!

    • 1L

      yay! Always the better option. If you haven’t already seen this site, I would recommend looking up Baggage Reclaim on your favorite search engine. Great self-esteem and relationship advice that helps me when I need it.

    • Monday

      Batgirl, I wasn’t on the blog at that point but just went back to read your update. Good for you!

      Commenter Sconnie was speaking the Gospel, and Totes McGotes definitely lived up to her name. But I agree with what pretty much everyone else said too.

      • Sconnie

        As someone new to the hive, this shoutout just made me all smiley. Yay for validation!

    • TCFKAG

      What I really want to know…is did you go hook up with a random yet?

      :-)

      Just kidding (sort of).

      • Batgirl

        Man, I’m gonna try! I’ve never been good at casual hook ups, but I think I should give it a shot!

        • Blonde Lawyer

          Okay, I’m just going to throw out the requisite “but be safe!” and this now funny cautionary tale. I have a very attractive male friend that the ladies used to throw themselves all over at bars. He was just out of a long term relationship and never had a casual hook up. We used to rib him for turning all these ladies down. It was all in good fun, we never meant to peer pressure him or anything. Then one night he went out without us and took a lady up on her offer . . . and got her pregnant. They are now very happily married with two beautiful kids but at the time he was like “really, just my luck, the ONE TIME I try to live a little.” LOL. Have fun. Be safe, or at least pick a hot, awesome, guy as your random that you wouldn’t mind having in your life forever!

          • TCFKAG

            I believe the specific recommendation was to make out a bar. A novice (or really maybe anyone) shouldn’t be bringing randoms home. IMHO.

            :-)

            But…agreed…BE SAFE.

          • TCFKAG

            And by novice, I mean at picking up randoms. Geesh, this is getting out of hand.

            I should get back to work.

          • Batgirl

            Haha, okay well, I was sort of kidding. Casual stuff isn’t my scene — at least not anymore (though it never really was). But I am keen on giving my number out. I think that’d be a good start.

            (Ironically, when things started going bad, I had guys asking for my number left and right! I gave it to them, but only one followed up–the one I wasn’t interested in.)

          • Totes McGotes

            That’s correct, the recommendation was to “make out,” not to “hook up.” I didn’t mean to imply that she should go past, say, second.

  17. Anonymo

    Following up on the question above about name changing… I had always planned to keep my last name when I got married, but I’m getting married in six months and I’ve changed my mind completely — I actually do want to change my name and have the same last name as my husband. I’m not particularly attached to my last name as an identity marker and I want to have one family name for my new little family (and any future kids).

    The problem? All of my friends from law school are strong feminists who would never even consider changing their last names. I used to feel the same way (and I still consider myself a big feminist), but now I’ve done an about-face where I actually want to change my name. I don’t know how to talk to my friends about this decision. I know one friend in particular who will really give me a hard time about it and think I’ve abandoned all feminism completely. I’m dreading having this conversation with her. At the same time, I feel more passionate about having a family name than I do about fighting this particular fight for feminism. It seems like most people struggle with wanting to keep their names and what that means to their friends and family, but I’m having the opposite struggle where I want to change my name but feel like I’m disappointing everyone.

    Has anyone else struggled with this? Any advice?

    • TCFKAG

      YES! I’ve struggled with this A LOT. My mom is a huge feminist who didn’t change her name and now that I’ve decided to partially change my name (there are hyphens involved) I feel vaguely like I’m disappointing her.

      But here’s the thing — feminism is about giving women choices. You had the CHOICE whether or not to do this and you’ve decided to do it, that’s all that Gloria Steinem was shooting for in the end. So if any of them give you grief, I’d tell them to stuff it.

      • AnonInfinity

        OMG I was going to type this, down to the hyphen situation. My mother changed her name, but most of my friends aren’t and some are very adamant about it.

        Also, if they give you so much grief about this intensely personal decision that you end up no longer being friends, they were not really great friends to begin with.

        Another thought — One glorious thing about friends is that you can have different opinions about certain things and continue to love each other. They might surprise you.

    • Eloise Speghetti

      The foundation of Feminism is the choice to choose. One of those choices is to sometimes change your opinion on something once the facts and circumstances change. Women did not always have that right hence the feminist movement. But is not about following some template of what you are supposed to be, it’s about deciding for yourself.

      So your friends would be idiots to question your decision as long as the decision is yours and not anyone elses. I don’t have time to do the research, but I am sure your friend will stop with the “name calling” out when you cite to known historical feminists who changed their names. Eleanor Roosevelt comes to mind as a good early example. But, I am sure there are more. Hillary Clinton. Not everyone has to agree with your choice but, that’s why it is yours.

      As far as addressing it, I would tell them upfront. Sometimes its better to address the elephant in the room first and take the wind out of everyone elses sails.

      • Totes McGotes

        This is a fantastic point: “Look, if it’s good enough for Eleanor Rossevelt…” Love it.

        • Sconnie

          I wouldn’t use Eleanor as an example here – Roosevelt was both her maiden and married name. They were distant cousins.

          • Totes McGotes

            Payday Friday = Memory Apparently Wiped Clean of U.S. History

            If anyone is wondering why I’m commenting so very much today, it’s because I can’t inflict Payday Friday Brain on my poor clients. And it’s sunny here today too…

      • Alanna of Trebond

        Hillary Clinton only changed her name after an extraordinary amount of backlash in Arkansas after Bill was elected Governor there. She was first Hillary Rodham, then Hillary Clinton, and is now Hillary Rodham Clinton.

        So, not really the best example. Maybe Ruth Bader Ginsburg?

        • Ruby

          how about first of all not your life ms. friend, so thanks for your judgment but not thanks, plus ooh aren’t you better, you have your male father’s name. it is just ridiculous for them to harp.

      • Eloise Speghetti

        Yeah, like I said no time to research it. But I am sure there are good examples…somewhere :)

    • MissJackson

      The fact that you get to make this “choice” and that it’s not automatically thrust upon you is the epitome of feminism. Isn’t the view that you “must not” take your husbands name just as oppressive as the view that you “must” take his name? I would have this exact discussion with your friend if I were you.

      • RL

        When equal numbers of men and women are taking each other’s names, it will be a lot easier for me to see it as a choice.

        I understand that for any individual woman, it may very well be a choice. And I support people’s right to choose what is right for them. But, it is very, very, hard for me to accept that in today’s society, so many of our defaults are still male. Does anyone else struggle with this?

        • wawa

          Oh wow, basically was trying to make just this point earlier. Agree that on a macro level, not really a “choice” if, as you say, society has default expectations and passes judgments on outliers. On a micro level, even if there is a choice, going with the default reinforces the societal expectations and judgments. So while it may be an individual choice, it has a larger significance.

    • RL

      I’m huge anti-name-changer, but what would convince me is if you emphasize the fact that you don’t identify strongly with your family name. Because that’s what bothers me most about name-changing: I see it as women giving up their identity for men. So if you can convince your friends that your name is not part of your identity, I think that would probably work. (But please don’t bring “wanting to feel like a family when i have kids” into it).

      • 30

        I really don’t think most women see it that way. Plus, many of us hate the names we were born with, not because we don’t “identify” with them but because they are awkward/have strange homonyms/etc. – I for one wanted to change my name ever since kindergarten.

      • JJ

        I have to ask (non-snarky, non-judgmental): why shouldn’t the OP bring “wanting to feel like a family when I have kids” into it? That seems like a legitimate and valid concern to her. I think it is for a lot of independent, intellectual women – myself included. If we made that decision on our own, shouldn’t that be enough?

        • Ruby

          agree fully. it’s quite valid and sensible. people challenging this seem to have an overly sensitive perception of the world. it’s nice and practical to want your family to have a common name.

      • wawa

        I agree with the last statement. It just reinforces the main issue a lot of people have with name changing — if that’s the reason, why don’t men change too?

        • OP

          OP here – I actually had a long and interesting conversation with my fiance about whether he would be willing to take my name or do a joint name. His point, which I had never really thought of in this way, is that it’s actually a much bigger deal for a man to change his name than a woman. He’s a business person in a conservative environment, and it would mark him as a bit of a weirdo in the eyes of most of the people he works with. A lot of people would be confused and not understand why he had a new name. On the other hand, if I change my name, it would be nothing more than a “huh, guess she got married” from my colleagues.

          I’m certainly not saying it’s fair or that our society is great on this point. But I do think it’s something to consider when thinking about the “why doesn’t he just change his name then?” point. It sounds like an equal trade-off, but in our culture it’s not.

          • Research, Not Law

            Agree. I knew my husband would change his name if that was the standard here. However, so happens, it’s not.

            Other people can debate about what that means for society, because I know that *my husband* wasn’t trying to keep me down or have me give up my identity – and really, that’s all that mattered to me.

          • wawa

            What you’re saying is totally right — and it’s the reason why a lot of women want to resist changing their names, on that very basis. Once men and women face equal pressures to change, then I think a lot of women would feel better making the change. I would, for one.

        • PT Lawyer

          One of my male coworkers DID change his name when he married.

          Then again, his former (maiden?) last name was Putz. I kid you not.

        • Ruby

          well, because society falls in different ways on different topics, so be it, you can choose to opt in or out of things. we get to wear colors to work, they don’t. my husband hates ties. not trying to be cute, but point is that that is just how it has developed in our culture. and it isn’t patronizing to take part in it, unless you have personal hangups, but please apply those only to yourself not others.

      • BB

        So she’s not allowed to express her own actual reasons for making HER choice? Really? So as not to offend someone else’s feminist sensibilities? Personally, I don’t see why anyone has to find a way to justify this type of decision to anyone else. It’s like needing to justify the decision whether or not to have children. We do not live by committee.

      • job hunting

        I really don’t think anyone should have to justify this choice to anyone else. If I decide to change my name for reasons you dislike, so what? You make your choices and I make mine.

    • AIMS

      I would just say something along the lines of, “I know you feel strongly about the issue, but after a lot of thought, I decided I am changing my last name when I get married. I don’t want to have a debate about this and I don’t want you to think I’ve given up on our shared values, but I think it’s important that hubby and I have the same last name as we start our life together. Now, let’s talk about something more interesting…”

      Ultimately it’s your decision and feminism is as much about the freedom to do something as it is the freedom not to do something.

      You should, of course, be prepared for your friend to say something like, “well, why take his name? If you want the same name, he can take yours..” To which, I would probably reply something like, “Because I think MyName HisLastName sounds better than HisName MyLastName,” and move on. And, fwiw, I am not someone who would change my last name for somebody just because we were getting married but I don’t judge any of my friends that chose to do so (even when they go from having a really great last name to having one that sounds not so good), so maybe your friends will surprise you.

      • BB

        Surprisingly, I was pro-hyphenation when I was engaged to someone would not have made a good husband. As soon as I met the one who actually became “the one,” there was no question that I wanted to have the same exact, non-hyphenated name. It didn’t even require much thought, nor was either opinion a big, feminist or anti-feminist statement. So there’s that.

        • AIMS

          That may the case for some folks. But I don’t think that women who are pro-hyphenation or who keep their own name are in any way hedging their bets or just haven’t met the true “one.” I don’t think that’s what you were implying, but just wanted to clarify …

          • BB

            I wasn’t implying anything, and I agree with you. I was just stating my personal experience. I found it odd myself.

    • anon

      I got married last summer just after getting called to the bar, so I started as a lawyer with my new name. I definitely got some less-than-supportive comments from female partners at my firm. Instead of getting into a heated discussion about it, I usually tried to brush it off with a “my new name is so much easier” (which it 100% is).

    • Totes McGotes

      I have not dealt with this (although I have a friend who got the stinkeye from an interviewer at a women’s org once the person realized she had, gasp, changed her name!!), but I’d probably just say, “Well, the great thing about feminism is that everybody can make whatever choice they want. Isn’t it grand?” or “Maiden Name wasn’t really my name anyway; it was my dad’s.” Really, it’s no one’s business at all.

      • 1L-1

        i LOVE THAT!!! “Maiden Name wasn’t really my name anyway; it was my dad’s.”
        +10 LL points to you, Totes!
        (Sorry for the Ellen-ness.)

    • JessC

      Tell them you’ve thought long and hard about this and it’s the right decision for you – you are your husband are going to be a family and want to have a family name. No one should be making you feel bad about this decision.
      If they continue to give you a hard time about it, I’d question how good of friends they are. Just because a friend makes one decision you don’t agree with, doesn’t mean you stop loving them.
      And, IMHO, feminism isn’t/shouldn’t be about doing this or doing that but about being able to make those choices for yourself without being pressured or forced to by society.

      • Former MidLevel

        Hear, hear. There are so many reasons why someone would (or would not) change their name – why jump to judgment?

    • Too Snarky?

      Just as many “feminists” like to say they are “pro-choice” (usually with reference to the aborti*n issue/debate), say you’re exercising your “choice” to change your name. Alternatively, they are probably people who say they’re not “judging” someone else (a phrase I hate because we all judge things all the time! I like this, I don’t like that, etc. All are judgments). Well, tell them not to “judge” your “choice” because you’re exercising your right to choose.

      P.S. I’m not married, very attached to my name, and fully intend to change it when I get married–as long as he doesn’t have some horrible last name like “d bag” or “sh-t head”. And if he does, he’ll be taking my name :).

      • Niktaw

        Too Snarky, WWYD if your intended had a really exotic/blatantly foreign last name?

        • Ellie

          I’m in the same situation. I love my name. But when I get married next year, this white girl will rock a very clearly not white girl last name. I’m excited.

          • mamabear

            Love it. I work with a red-haired blue-eyed “Susan Chang” (name changed) and I love to be with her when she meets people face to face the first time. :)

          • TCFKAG

            I work with a girl whose last name is CLEARLY irish and she is CLEARLY not as she was adopted from Korea. She freaked the security guards at the court out when they first met her. :-P

      • karenpadi

        Too Snarky, I do agree with you (not the quote marks) and have the same feelings about changing my last name. I especially agree with my husband changing his last name if his is awful. The guys on OK Cupid give me shit for it (it’s one of the questions on OK Cupid) and that’s OK–it helps me weed them out. You are not alone. :)

      • karenpadi

        Sorry, forgot to edit the curse word in my response.

        Too Snarky, I do agree with you (not the quote marks) and have the same feelings about changing my last name. I especially agree with my husband changing his last name if his is awful. The guys on OK Cupid give me s**t for it (it’s one of the questions on OK Cupid) and that’s OK–it helps me weed them out. You are not alone. :)

    • SunnyD

      Side, but related, question. Does anyone know a couple who has actually combine last names to create a new name? Ex: her last name was McDonald and his last name was Henry, then they would both change their names to McHenry? I love this idea, but don’t know anyone who has actually done it.

      • mamabear

        I have friends who thought about it. Their last names were Lee and King, so the combination was either kingly or leaking. :). True story, hope I’m not outing myself here!

      • TCFKAG

        They didn’t combine, but I know a couple who just picked a random new name. I kind of liked it. Other people thought it was weird.

        • Anon

          I know some people who had names that were color-esq (think Goldberg and Brown) and they combined the “colors” to make a new name. Kind of cute, although only works in that specific instance.

      • Bunkster

        I have a friend whose bridal shower cake was a mistake. It said Congratulations and then FirstName and then a mashup of her husband-to-be’s last name and the end of her lastname. They haven’t legally changed to that name, but they use it a lot. There was even a set of bumper stickers made for the wedding with that last name.

      • Another S

        Yes, I know two couples who did this. One change was similar to your McHenry example. The other change involved coming up with a totally new name using some of the letters from each spouse’s last name.

      • Melon

        My substitute teacher in high school did this. His name was Mr. Carcinschauer (or something along those lines). To my mind, this is similar to hyphenating, and it doesn’t resolve the problem of what name your kids take if they get married. (Carcinshauer-McHenry? How are you going to keep all four names represented?)

        An elementary school teacher and his wife kept their respective last names; the sons took on the dad’s last name, and the daughters took on the wife’s last name. It’s an interesting option, although somewhat complicated.

        My mom never changed her name (and I don’t plan to change mine), and we never had any problems except one time when we tried to fly to Mexico when my siblings were still minors, and the airline required us to bring birth certificates to show that the minors were traveling with their parents (and not an evil stepmother or something). My mom got really upset, and she got the airline to admit that they would let my dad and his sister (who never changed her last name — perhaps a good thing, since her husband cheated on her and now they are unamicably divorced) fly with my mom’s kids, but not my mom. Also, my dad could fly alone with my siblings, but my mom couldn’t, because last name is apparently proof of custody and guardianship.

      • MissJackson

        Yep. My (male) roommate from law school and his wife. He’s an attorney in BigLaw. He had a hyphened name. She did not want to take his name, but a double-hypen was not the answer. They took their names and combined them. I love it! I think the guy has to be ready to meet any questions head on and with confidence (a raised eyebrow and a “you’re really going to tease me for changing my name? come on, man.”), but if he can, it’s a completely viable option!

        (and now I’m wondering whether anyone else here knows my former roommate!)

      • Research, Not Law

        I know one couple who was planning on it, until the marriage plans ended. They both felt their last names could use improvement. They came up with a good name, which honestly was nicer than either of their original names (which are hard to say, spell, borderline raunchy joke, etc).

        I also know two couples who picked a third name. One was related to the husband’s family somehow but lost in a series of divorced/marriages. The other was just something they liked. Family of the first couple were supportive; family of second (random new name) were offended.

      • Harriet Chalmers

        Yes, two couples, including a couple that were each 10+ years into their respective professional careers. In one case, two “easy” names were combined into something that third graders would have a field day with on the playground, so the end result is a bit perplexing to some, but was important to the couple. All four of the people involved had corporate-type careers, too.

    • mamabear

      Well, let’s see. I am a feminist and I didn’t change my name. I have only one friend who didn’t change her name – the rest of my friends did (and in fact, many are now changing their names for the second time!) I don’t think I asked any of my friends why they were changing their names, but I can imagine if a friend were particularly close, I might ask her. As her friend I would want to know her reasons and not just that she was doing it because she felt she had to. But you have reasons, and once you’ve stated those, your friends should back the f*** off.

    • cbackson

      I got it from both sides when I got married (and changed my name): people who expressed their shock that I was doing something so retrograde, and (completely appalling) comments from people who were glad that I wasn’t one of “those feminist girls”. So you can’t really avoid it either way.

      Given your dread over it and your fairly quick change of course, I’d just deflect people and make the decision as late in the game as possible. Let yourself really sit with the choice without the interference of others. If people ask, just tell them you haven’t decided yet.

      Personally, three years later, I was divorced and had to go through the process of getting “my” name back. I’ll never change my name again, not even if I marry the head of state of a small European monarchy. How strongly I feel about it now has clarified to me the fact that I felt pressured to change it before I married, and that it never truly felt like me. It’s *not* a small decision and it’s one you should be able to make completely on your own.

    • Anon for being a bad friend

      On the one hand, the feminist part of my brain says that feminism means getting to choose what you want to do, so if you want to choose to share a name, go for it.

      The other part of my brain knows that I have a friend who was the biggest feminist around, did women’s studies in college, etc etc etc and recently got married and became the little woman, totally 1950s style, complete with name change. I’ve stopped talking to her entirely and have blocked her on facebook because I can’t even handle what a huge about face it is for her and she is just so obnoxious with the wife stuff. I want my friend back, but she is gone. Fair disclosure: I am married, kept my name, the kids are getting my name, and I know I am a bad friend.

      So all of this is to say that you should do what you are most comfortable with, but break it to your friend easy, I guess. Also don’t become a crazy stepford wife overnight. It’s scary to your friends!

      • anon

        If I need to break basic life choices and/or changes in priorities resulting from big life changes to my friends “easily” so they don’t get scared off by something that has no relevance to them and does not harm them in any way, then . . . wow. I know you have already indicated in your post that you are aware this is a symptom of being a bad friend, but I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around this.

    • Sconnie

      Honestly, this attitude that if you change your name you’re obviously subserviant, barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen drives me bonkers. You are a grown woman with a college degree and either have a law degree or will soon. You are fully capable of deciding what you want your name to be, and you should not have to apologize to anyone for making that decision. It is your name and you can do with it what you like. Them pressuring you to have the name they deem appropriate is not all that different than society or a man pressuring you to take his name.

      Like others have said. It is your choice. I changed my name – I was awesome as Sconnie Maiden Name, and I am still just as awesome as Sconnie Married Name. And you will be too.

    • anon

      I can’t agree that they’re “strong feminists” (or good friends) if they’re going to give you a hard time about this, which it sounds like they are if you’re already worried about this “conversation” you need to have. It is absolutely none of their business and you should not have to justify this to anyone.

    • TCFKAG

      Since we’re talking both about last names AND about changing our names AND about people being rude, can I share with you one of my biggest pet peeves as someone with a hyphenated last name from birth. People would ask me frequently “SO…what are you going to do when you’re MARRIED” in this super judgy tone. And I’m talking when I was as young as 15. But certainly long before I had met Mr. TCFKAG. Like it was any of their business OR like I had any clue.

      I wish I had kept a record of all the different answers I gave over the years — it changed almost every time I was asked. But seriously people, I know you’re curious, but its none of your business.

      Rant over.

    • PM

      Only because this topic has come up often, I want to throw in what I just learned about the proportion of married women who choose to take their husband’s name: A 35-year study summarized in the journal Social Behavior and Personality in 2009 showed that about 23 percent of women kept their maiden names in the 1990s, and that was down to about 18 percent after 2000. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because everyone I know shares an opinion, it doesn’t mean that everybody thinks that way.

    • Research, Not Law

      Agree with the sentiment to do it, address any questions by explaining that you gave it thought and had your reasons, and leave it at that. It’s your decision.

      I find the decision of keeping vs changing name fascinating. It’s such a personal decision, but it’s right out there for the whole world to see. Most people won’t know how you and your spouse balance finances, chores, child care, free-time, etc – but your name is in their face. So, I tend to ask about it, not because I care but from curiosity. Turns out, there are many different reasons why people pick one or another! I honestly rarely hear a repeat. It would be ridiculous for someone outside of your relationship to decide which were appropriate and which weren’t.

    • ShortieK

      Oddball out- Is there anyone else where the man in the traditional marriage took the woman’s last name?
      My fiancee is planning on taking my last name.
      I’m attached my last name (it’s awesome, and in some circles it is my nickname) and have no desire to change or hyphenate it.
      We’re both published academically, so for awhile we were thinking that both of us would keep our last names. Ultimately the idea of being a team/unit was one of the reasons why he decided to change his name. He’s also way more into conventionally romantic gestures than I am.
      His family (besides the shocked grandparents) found it strange but they’re respectful of our decision. He also has an older brother (already married with kids) and an identical twin brother, so it’s not like his family name won’t continue.
      I’ve noticed a lot of “Oh! well, we know who wears the pants in that marriage” comments from my family and friends. (It’ll come up sometimes at dinners or parties, and strangers are the worst.)
      He’s pretty easy going about the teasing (one of the reasons why we’re getting marred!) and it helps that his group of guy friends could care less.

    • Amy H.

      Anonymo @ 12:15 pm, I consider myself a huge feminist, and out of college and in my 20s was very outspoken about the fact that I would NEVER, EVER change my name. By the time I actually got married at 39, I still knew I didn’t want to change my name legally, but honestly, by then it had become much less of a feminist issue in my mind. Personally, I struggled with whether to get married at all (because that would mean supporting a patriarchal and heterosexist institution and besides, so unfair to do so when none of my gay friends could marry and enjoy the various benefits that come with formal married status) far, far more than over whether to change my name. Of course, I didn’t change it legally, and you plan to — but thinking about this gave me an idea for any discussions you end up having with your friends who may want to argue about this or seem to be judging you.

      Maybe you could deflect or simply change the direction of the conversation by saying that you, personally, feel that it is much more important in advancing the cause of feminism and trying to improve the status of women to fight for X [insert the cause(s) you feel most passionately about here] vs. debating something as personal and ultimately, small-scale, as changing one’s name. Sure, the personal is the political, but I personally feel it’s more important to push to reduce domestic violence and get more resources to shelters and agencies who help women trying to get out of abusive or coercive relationships, get more girls into sports, get more women into public office and into CEO and partnership roles, improve women’s education and access to microlending (and clean water) worldwide, etc. than to try to convince other women that they should keep their “maiden” name (which most likely came from their father’s family).

      I hope your friends would be more outraged, for example, at the stats on the number of women who are killed by their husbands or boyfriends in this country than the fact that you plan to change your name.

  18. Mort Goldman

    I just cannot get on board with this whole navy bluish black matching. Even if Charlotte Johanssen is doing it here.

    • Supra

      I love it. Once I realized I could do it, I ran with it. I try to use navy pieces that have a bit more blue in them. Like a true navy as opposed to a midnight or ink.

  19. DG

    Sometimes I wonder if all you fab people are for real. I don’t have a single girl friend in my life right now with whom I can complain about my work problems or talk about clothes/shoes or anything for that matter.

    I only meet snooty people and our conversations never go beyond “Hey! How are you? How was your weekend?” or “What are your plans for the weekend”. I always think may be they can give me lead to talk furthur once I ask them what their plans are, but almost, always, what i get back is “Uh, no plans”.

    Ugh! Why have I been so unlucky for the past 3 yrs?

    Thanks to Corporette, I atleast feel good with these virtual relationships.

    • TCFKAG

      What city are you in? There are lots of Corporette meet-ups springing up all over the country, maybe you can join one!

        • Ruby

          Ah. I had the same experience living in NYC. In Seattle I have found many delightful friends. I’m sure they exist in NYC too, but I found it impossible to meet people I actually wanted to be around in my limited free time with very few exceptions.

    • Monday

      This is interesting, and speaks to me as well. I didn’t realize that I was a Corporette-type person until I realized that a lot of my everyday concerns match up better with women here than they do with a lot of the peers I talk to in real life. A lot of my longterm friends think I am ridiculously serious about my career (and my work clothes) and can’t really relate or advise. It’s taken on more meaning, for me, than just a blog.

      In the comfort of anonymity, I will also add the irony that I first learned about Corporette from a female coworker who was very “mean girl” to me when I was new in the office. (I no longer work at said office). I started reading and commenting because I felt completely unwelcome in my “real” work environment at the time–she was definitely a factor, and I will never know her reasons– and I don’t mind saying that the refusal of women in my former office to have anything to do with me led me to a much better community here.

      • 312

        ha! Agreed! My friends are all in the baby gaga planning stages and babble only about their “pregnancy brain” which makes me want to stick a fork in me eye.

        • Really

          312, I can relate! Bless you for saying it.
          “Me” eye also made it funnier because I heard it with a cockney accent:)

        • AnonInfinity

          Oh man, I’m right there with you on the pregnancy brain. Also the term “preggo.”

      • kiley

        This kind of points out why this happens I think. You felt unwelcome in your real community so you went here.. where she is also a member (maybe, at least knows about it) virtual world is a place to put your best foot forward. Sometimes people write stuff on here that I find crazy, or annoying, or prejudice, but instead of getting angry I just roll my eyes to myself and come back later. The next day, that same commentor will write something that I completely agree with. Since most commentators don’t stick out in my head every time, I am approaching each comment with a fresh perspective, instead of kind of a tally of past interactions which happen in the real world. (Ie 3 days ago amy from work was mean to you. today she said something about the restaurant down the street that you total agree with, but you don’t jump in and say wow I feel the same! we are alike!” because you are thinking about that interaction 3 days ago.) On the website you don’t have to take the person as a whole, you can take comments as seperate things. So corporette is a great community but if you put all of us in the same room, it doesn’t mean we become soul sisters.
        That said, the meetups seem to be really fun and like people are really interacting. Also often if you post where your from, someone might be around to go for dinner or drinks.

      • Mean Girls

        I had a terrible bully in my BigLaw office. Do you wonder: is it possible that the IRL mean girls get on Corporette and let down their facade and turn out to be nice girls? In other words, their mean girl demeanor IRL is just an defense mechanism? If so, how do we get them to drop it IRL?

    • Annie

      Maybe they are just trying to be professional at work, and if you get together with them outside of the office, you may find that they are just like the rest of us on here. At my office of mostly men attorneys, I don’t like to talk about fashion or gripe about work. But outside of the office I am much more likely to open up and talk about things like that (and enjoy it).

      • Totes McGotes

        This – I think that people assume that others have full personal lives outside of work and hold each other at arms-length. They may not realize you’re trying to build a connection. Next time someone says they have no weekend plans, say “Well, I’M doing [insert fabulous plans]; you want in?”

    • anon

      Me too. I try to actually integrate the discussions on here in real life. Just an FYI, the phrase “I was reading on my ladyblog that XYZ…” didn’t take. Yeah. Did not take. Do not call it the “ladyblog.” And I think it was about shiny suits or something. Nothing controversial or gross. I didn’t say “I was reading today on my ladyblog about a new dou**e blast product” or anything. Le sigh. It’s becoming a generational thing unfortunately that people have more of a “real” personality online.

      • !!!

        Douche blast product!!

        OMG, I just snorted and laughed and made my admin assistant run in where I was laughing so hard tears were running down my face.

        From now on, I’m going to incorporate “douche blast product” as my go-to phrase for answering awkward questions and getting out of awkward conversations.

      • Monday

        By the way, I feel like there might be a proto/shadow Corporette community of all of our boyfriends/husbands/SOs who know we are fans.

        Ellen is so integrated into my relationship with Mr. Monday that we often email and text in her styleistic manner. If enough days go by without my updating him on her life, he actually asks if there’s any news.

        • Cat

          ha, count my hubby in. He calls me “rebel corpor*tte” if I’m wearing something – gray nail polish (Essie Chincilly) was the latest example – at which the hive occasionally looks askance.

        • Gail the Goldfish

          Oh yea. Conversations with my boyfriend frequently begin with “What did the hive mind talk about today?” He also occasionally reads the comments, especially if I tell him we were discussing something financial related (like the 401k conversations), because apparently there is no male equivalent.

      • ESquared

        LOVE THIS!!! And def might steal it!
        My boyfriend here’s about you ladies a lot, he has yet to make a judgmental comment. ;-p

        • ESquared

          *hear’s
          sorry lately the internet and my brain are not working well together.

    • girl in the stix

      As one of the few professional career women in this COUNTY (sparsely populated, rural – less than 40K in whole county) I find it hard to talk to anyone, some times even my husband, about stuff we talk about here. Most think I have some vaguely secretarial/admin assist position, since there just isn’t a very large population of professionals at all. General tone of the area is ultra-conservative, not highly educated or cosmopolitan (though we are close to a major metropolitan area), and a lot of gender stereotypes, so I feel like a fish out of water a lot of the time. I love to read about what people are doing in the ‘real’ world. To be fair–I live in a natural paradise, with a very low crime rate, and lots of very nice people, even if they are not kindred spirits.

    • karenpadi

      The SF Bay Area meet-up is in Palo Alto in March. Email me at karenpadi[at]hotmail if you want to be added to the mailing list.

  20. Eloise Speghetti

    Although, could banks please stop making the mother’s maiden name a secret answer? Hello, we’ve evolved. Please ask me a different question!

    • mamabear

      Although, could banks please stop making the mother’s maiden name a secret answer? Hello, we’ve evolved. Please ask me a different question!

      • Mountain Girl

        That’s why I prefer not to use the secret questions that ask me what my favorite anything is. I like questions that ask me specific, concrete details. What was the first name of the best man at our wedding? The name of my elementary school? My high school mascot? Provided I tell the truth in answering these questions I don’t need to remember the answers, lol.

        • Research, Not Law

          I agree. I hate the “favorite” items. I particularly appreciate years, because I don’t have to remember if I capitalized or pluralized.

          I registered on a system where one option was in regards to “your first wedding.” Cracked me up, but I appreciated their specificity!

        • SC

          Just be aware that many of the answers to questions like these (and mother’s maiden name) can be found on sites like Facebook. Even with a minimal profile and maximum privacy settings, I don’t trust it!

          On the other hand, I once got locked out for not knowing my favorite cereal. I still have no idea what it was and cannot remember a day when “honey nut cheerios” would not have been the answer. (Seriously, I had to stop buying them because I’ll eat a box at a time in front of the tv.)

      • Anon456

        I have a set of (fake) answers, because my favorite anything depends on mood and memory. If the question is (anyone’s) last name, the answer is “Smith”. If the question is any kind of animal (first pet, current pet, mascot, whatever), the answer is “Bear”. If the question is about a book or movie, the answer is “Gone With the Wind”. And so on. And now if someone somehow finds out that my mother’s maiden name is Jones, they won’t be able to use that in technologically nefarious ways.

        And I use LastPass.

    • Anonynonynony

      Since that’s part of my actual last name, I’ve always thought that was a pretty weak secret password.

    • Cat

      ha, agree! And @mamabear, I always only use the questions that have an objective answer for exactly that reason (like, high school mascot or maker of first car) – I recently got locked out b/c I couldn’t remember my favorite animal.

    • Bunkster

      The last time I had to choose one the questions were all things like “What was the name of your maid of honor?” and “what is your child’s favorite color?”. I’ve never been married and I don’t have kids.

      • Monday

        “How many cats do you have? Round to the nearest ten.”

        “What is your favorite ice cream to microwave for dinner?”

        “Where do you hide your Hope Chest?”

        (I am also a happy non-wife non-mom)

    • Cali CPA

      Agreed. My mom’s maiden name is my middle name and since I was a teenager my parents have always told me to not put my middle name on anything (checks, etc). Which since I have an incredibly generic first and last name is rather frustrating. I jokingly mentioned changing my middle name once and my dad was clearly upset and I feel bad because it’s a family name that is pretty much gone with my generation, but ugg, I just want a middle name I can use!

    • Equity's Darling

      My bank makes you make up your own questions. So mine are totally random like “what is first book I ever read by yourself”, and “what things did you like to collect when you were in Grade 3″… things like that, that really only my parents or very VERY close friends would know….at which point, there are likely other issues if they’re trying to break into my account, and I totally remember it:)

    • Synagogues and Last Names

      This came up last week.

      Every week, our synagogue publishes the list of congregants who are marking the anniversary of a loved one’s death. The newsletter says: “Moshe Berg, maternal grandfather of David Stein.” (Names made up here.) Now everyone in the synagogue (and everyone in the world, because synagogues universally post these online) knows that David Stein’s mother’s maiden name is Berg.

      How did I never notice this before? Does this bother anyone else?

      • nona

        How about all those genealogy websites out there? Your info isn’t safe there either.

  21. anon

    I was in federal court yesterday watching oral arguments and one of the attorneys who argued for the United States: (1) did not wear a suit (a huge pet peeve of mine); and (2) had an elastic hairband around her wrist. I couldn’t help but think – she must not read Corporette!

      • MaggieLizer

        I’m totally going to start wearing an elastic hairband around my wrist at professional functions to see if someone mentions me on here. Or better yet, a scrunchie!

  22. F in LA

    Threadjack – I just missed my flight for an interview trip and am struggling with feelings of incompetence (I’m a senior in college). Advice/commiseration? I’ve already talked to my recruiter to reschedule.

    • cfm

      Well what’s done is done, so try to focus on things you can fix for next time. Why did you miss it? woke up late/not packed the night before/traffic? What will you do next time to fix that?

    • NOLA

      Can’t say I’ve ever done that, although I’ve had nightmares about it. In fact, this morning as I was happily videochatting with my SO, I had this sudden panic that my flight was at 8 a.m. today not 8 p.m. Of course, it’s still 8 p.m. All you can do at this point is to try and make it right and apologize profusely to all involved.

    • meara

      A few years ago, on my first trip for a new company, I was being accompanied by my boss (as a training/learning/sign-off on me thing). I got to the gate, he texted me he was almost at the airport, I got seated early and had the seat everyone walks past to get on the plane…and he wasn’t on it. And they closed the doors, and he wasn’t on it. And HE had made all the arrangements, and we were connecting to a flight to a very small town…I was like ‘ACK!’. Luckily he managed to get on another flight, text me and let me know, and got there an hour or two after me. But it did make me feel a little better about any possible screwups I might make in the new job!

      • ss

        I have missed a flight when my CEO was already enroute the same destination and expecting to head into meetings at the central bank with his regional head (me). I have also missed a flight when escorting the CFO of an important client on an investor roadshow. Felt like the biggest idiot in the world at the time (both times that is). But life went on and the missed flights are now minor blips which don’t really feature in both parties’ memory of long and happy working relationships.

        You’ll get (or not get) an offer based on your interview and credentials, and chances are that you’ll be the only one who remembers that you missed a flight somewhere in the recruitment process.

        Advice would be to avoid over-apologising and over-explaining during your re-scheduled interview. Acknowledge and apologise once if it comes up and leave it at that – some of your interviewers may not even be aware of the reason for re-scheduling and you’ll only be drawing unnecessary attention to it.

  23. anon for this

    i once missed a flight WHILE SITTING AT THE CORRECT GATE because i was watching a movie on my laptop and missed everyone else leaving and them calling my name 3x. needless to say, it was a great learning experience that even my competent self can occasionally make a huge blunder – and you know what? no one died and i learned that i am not the first infallible human being to ever exist on this earth! on a more serious note though, it took me a long time to learn the art of self-forgiveness for perfectionists – i don’t know if you ever struggle with that or if i’m projecting, but it is a very valuable thing to learn and if you struggle with it also i’d take this opportunity to learn how.

    • Another flight-misser

      I’m so sorry this happened to you!

      Even though I swear I am a responsible, organized, Type A person, I have actually had something like this happen to me not once, but twice!

      A number of years ago, I miscalculated the time I would need to arrive at the airport and missed my flight to attend my sister’s college graduation. Every subsequent flight that day was oversold, so I couldn’t get on standby and had to take a flight the following day. I made it to the commencement ceremony by the skin of my teeth, and earned the (deserved) wrath of my parents.

      Another time I got stuck in horrendous traffic on my way to the airport and missed a flight to vacation. I got on the next flight, but totally fouled up the plans for people to meet me and drive me to our final destination. Given my history, this second offense is a deep, dark secret that I have told very few people!

      • Emily

        I’ve done something very similar. It was a teeny tiny airport in the middle of nowhere, I was horrendously hung-over from a friend’s wedding, I wanted nothing more than to be at home in my bed, AND I was at the airport a good 3 hours before my flight. Somehow I managed to get too comfortable in the lounge area 30 yards from my gate, then I thought the flight time was 40 minutes later than it was, even though the correct time was printed on the boarding pass in my pocket. I ambled up to the gate 20 minutes early (or so I thought) and had to beg and plead and appeal to their midwestern kindness to let my idiot self on the plane.

        Like another-flight-misser above, I have never told anyone about this. Thanks, Corporette!

  24. Re: Two Threads on Namechanging

    As a feminist, I support your right to choose whether you change your name. That’s up to you. But, I beseech anyone who will listen: Can we please retire the word “hubby?” ::Shudders::

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