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- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
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- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
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- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Jenny
Repost from yesterday in hope of getting even more suggestions.
Anyone have any Corporette-esque blog recommendations? I’m having the urge to update my blog reading list and would love to find more sites like Corporette. For context, I already read Road Warriorette and Mizhattan. I used to read Capitol Hill Style, but got turned off by the tone and unsubscribed. I love Jen Dziura’ “Bullish” columns on Grindstone and Gloss. Refinery 29 feels a little too young for me. Anything in work/fashion/lifestyle for urban professionals would be good. Thanks in advance!
Godzilla
I have no suggestions but thanks for the Bullish rec!
Godzilla
Oh wait, I do, actually. Someone over here pointed me over to theawl,com, which introduced me to thehairpin,com. Hilarious and insightful and random.
Jenny
Thanks that’s a good one. I like the Hairpin, but for some reason I forget to check it regularly. My favorite is the Ask a Clean Person column.
a.
I love the Hairpin! I like the Scandals of Old Hollywood feature.
Bubbles
AlSo love Hairpin!!
Ellen
You should read downtown romantic.com.
I like it.
Jenny
Just subscribed. Thanks!
H
I recently did the same thing with Capitol Hill Style – just got way too judge-y for me. My only additional rec would be extrapetite,com …even though I am the opposite of petite, I love her outfits, sale recommendations and beauty suggestions.
Susan
Re: Capitol Hill Style – Was the blogger too judgey or was it the commenters? (Or both?)
Jenny
For me it was the blogger. She is the type that rants about seeing women out in public with their hair in messy buns. While I’m interested in style and fashion, I don’t ascribe to the view that women are required to look a certain way every time we step out our doors, as if we owe the universe something sartorially just for existing. It just rubs me the wrong way. She does put together some great outfits, though, so it’s a fun blog if the tone doesn’t bother you.
L
My bff’s significant other just broke up with her — to be honest, I never thought he was right for her. It makes me so sad that she thinks at 30 she’s too old and never going to find Mr. Right (which is partly why she was willing to settle for Mr. Good Enough But Not Really that Good to Begin With). Any inspiring stories or advice would be greatly appreciated particularly because she is the kindest person I have ever met and I feel blessed to have her in my life.
anon
Since when is 30 “old” or “too old for love”?!???
Signed, met Mr. Right only after I traveled the world and bought my own damn house.
KC
Since I was about 6, my mom’s had me repeat the mantra “I will get a degree, start a career, travel the world, and then marry.” She’s a wise woman ;)
SF Bay Associate
Wow, love that! I’m totally going to do that to my kid. The currently popular line from Aibileen is nice and all, but your mom’s is way more corporette!
goirishkj
Your mother is quite wise! LOVE IT, and I’m going to squirrel that away in my brain if I ever am blessed with my own baby corporette. (I’m also going to find Corporate Barbie someday, as my husband thinks it’s insane that I begged for that one as a child!)
Anon Lawyer
This is hilarious, as it was actually a nickname which I have (fairly or unfairly) merited from some people at work…
TCFKAG
As a child, I wasn’t allowed to have Barbies. But I was allowed Gem dolls, because they had careers.
My mom was funny. :-)
goirishkj
I was also told when playing princess that princesses had to get a degree. So my mom would ask me where Princess Goirishkj had gone to college (OK, so that one came true eventually!) and what my advanced degree was going to be in. So TCFKAG, that seems totally reasonable to me that your mom insisted that your dolls have careers :)
goirishkj
Just realize what a pretentions a**hat I sound like. I meant college came true, not marrying royalty, darn it! It was clear in my head, you mean you aren’t all mindreaders?
30
Thirty is definitely not “too old.” (I know from “The Millionaire Matchmaker” that some guys think they only want to date 20-somethings. But who wants that kind of guy?)
As for anecdotes, one of my best friends met her fiance the week after she turned 30.
KLG
At 29.5, I broke up with a boyfriend of 5 years because I realized it was never going to be quite right. At 30, I left my job without having secured another one because I just couldn’t take it anymore and moved back in with my parents. Then miraculously 2 weeks later I met a guy to who I am now engaged. I bought my wedding dress this week and I turn 31 in 3 weeks. I still roll my eyes when people say things like “focus on making yourself happy and love will come” but I can’t deny that it worked for me. There is hope!
Esquared
Just wanted to say, I love this– stopping paths you know aren’t leading you were you want to go leaves you open to serendipity. ;-)
AnonInfinity
Oh man, I’m sorry. This happened with my bff about 6 months ago. She lives about 7 hours from me, so I didn’t get to take her out or anything, but we talked on the phone quite a bit, and I tried to be a good sounding board and just be generally supportive. I’m really glad I didn’t say that I thought he wasn’t right for her, etc., because a few people did and she haaaateddd that.
One thing that might make her feel better is if you sent her a card with the same thing written that you’ve told us — She’s the kindest person you have ever met and you feel blessed to have her. I say send a card rather than just tell her because she can look at it when she’s feeling down if she is the sentimental type.
My friend decided after a couple of months of being sad that she was going to use this as motivation to kick @ss. She started going to the boxing gym, eating healthier, seeing a psychologist, etc. Now she looks amazing and is happier than she’s been in a long time, even before she started dating the loser.
January
This – I don’t have an inspirational story of my own, but I bet your friend would love to hear that you feel blessed to have her in your life.
goirishkj
Agreed with January. It kills me to hear that 30 is too old for love–it is NEVER too late and it would be great to remind your bff of how special and wonderful she is!
Amy H.
I tried something like this when my then-BF broke up with me (I was 29) — I decided to use it as the kick in the pants to get moving and so: (1) finally worked up the nerve to call the local university and get a recommendation for a graduate student voice teacher so I could take voice lessons for the first time; and (2) started training for a sprint distance triathlon. It worked. Within months I was happier than before we’d started dating.
So maybe encourage your friend to think about picking back up some hobbies or life interests that she’d dropped by the wayside during the course of this relationship — or a life list item to take on and start pursuing. It’s both a distraction from thinking about the guy all the time, and a really good way to remember or learn for herself that she is awesome and worth far better, dammit!
Susan
Please tell your BFF about “Lena” (my former coworker). She was 37 and engaged, and busy with wedding planning.
She got the impression that she was initiating everything, and really being the “engine” that drove their even getting engaged, and all the wedding planning. Her fiance, “Ted,” just didn’t seem like he was very enthused about anything. Rather than just dig a hole in the sand and bury her head, she sat him down and told him, “Ted, you don’t seem very enthused. I get the impression that you’re not very enthused about marrying me, and maybe not that enthused about me altogether. Is that so? Because if you think things suck right now, they’ll suck 1000x more if we get married when your heart’s not actually into it.” He admitted that he didn’t really want to marry/marry her and she broke it off with him, and in a very civil, orderly way. She was actually reeling inside, but she had lots of great family, friends, and friendly-coworker support.
2 years later, she met the guy who she ultimately married. They fell in love and he planned an excellent proposal (too long to detail here), and he was 100x excited to be marrying her. That made all the difference in the world. They’re still married, and are quite the happy couple still. To this day, I think of Lena as a pillar of strength, and a model to emulate. Great self-knowledge and maturity then.
The extra happy coda is, Ted is now a friendly acquaintance– he’s still single (and may be so for the rest of his life, who knows, maybe that’s what he wants), but I doubt she and Ted would be on such good, friendly terms if they’d gotten married under duress and then had a divorce afterwards.
KLG
Oooh this reminds me of a (male) college friend of mine! At 28 he called his wedding off 3 days beforehand. A year later he got engaged to an awesome girl and they are now happily married. Better to be single than married and miserable!
cc
Yikes for that poor woman though
30
Good for Lena! I wish more women had that kind of wisdom and guts.
rg
My BFF went through this a few years ago…and my getting engaged soon after didn’t help much either.
She was down for an extremely long time (well over a year). I always got a weird feeling about him, which was confirmed when about a year later we found incontrovertible evidence that he had been cheating on her. Only later did my DH tell me that when the two of them were hanging out alone he said things about other women (e.g. ogling women nearby) that made DH really uncomfortable too (wish he’d told me sooner, though BFF probably wouldn’t have listened to the warning signs).
All this is just a way of saying that settling can be worse than being alone. My BFF is still single but infinitely better off without that creep.
In your shoes, all I would do is be there and listen. Don’t make predictions about her meeting someone soon because you never know. This time should be about her happiness, not her next relationship.
Anonsensical
I’m sorry to hear about your friend, but I firmly believe that you’ll never meet the right guy if you’re all wrapped up in the wrong one. I have two stories she might want to hear. My own is that I dated a big jerk all through my early 20s. He cheated on me constantly and I put up with it for way too long before I finally broke it off for good. After that, I spent my late 20s and early 30s alone, occasionally chasing disinterested bad boys who were not worth the effort. (To this day, I’m embarrassed about my complete lack of self-respect and dignity.) Then, in my early 30s, I met my husband, who is completely awesome. I also have a friend who dated a guy who was nice, but not quite right for her, for almost a decade before she realized it wasn’t going anywhere. She finally got up the courage to walk away, spent a couple of years on her own, and got married in her mid-30s to a fantastic guy. So tell your friend there’s hope! 30 is young! :)
MaggieLizer
No inspiring stories, really, but if the guy just wasn’t right then a ring and a piece of paper wasn’t going to change that. She’s in a much better position being 30 and single than 45 and divorcing with 2 kids and a mortgage she can no longer afford, which it sounds like where she was headed before the break up.
And speaking from personal experience, as a single late-20 something (a year later as of today), it seems most men my age who aren’t already married want to enjoy some kind of extended adolescence until they’re closer to their mid-30s. Maybe now that she’s 30 she’ll be able to find someone who’s ready to take life more seriously. Good luck to your friend.
TCFKAG
I think of it this was.
I know 22-year-olds who are with the wrong man — mean men, bad men, or just wrong men, and they seem way, way older than 30.
And I know 50-year-olds who are with the right men — nice men, good men, and right men — and they seem 22 again.
Life is an adventure and age is as much a state of mind as anything. And if you build your life around a guy who’s no good, you’re building yourself a prison. At least, that’s what I’ve observed.
canadian anon
“And if you build your life around a guy who’s no good, you’re building yourself a prison.”
Yes, yes, yes.
MB
I love that TCFKAG!
layered bob
as my mother told me: “Better not to be married and wish you were than to be married and wish you weren’t.”
anon
I turn 30 this year and really need to break up with Mr. pretty good but not right for me. I truly feel this way too even though I know it is ridiculous. I have mentioned the idea to a few friends and they have mentioned men that would like to meet me. They all have kids or are divorced with kids, and that’s hard to grasp when you have always dated single unattached (except to their mothers) men. It’s just frustrating that I spent more time on career and school than I did to take the time to realize that my relationships are sub par at best. I know it will turn out okay and I am in the opposite position of your bff because I have to be the one to break it off with a nice guy who is crazy about me and start fresh in an unfamiliar dating pool. These comments are really helpful.
KLG
Another two cents… Do it. It was SOOOO hard to crush my boyfriend of 5 years by telling him I needed to move on because he really is a great guy, but he was not great for me.
Then once you’ve had some time to get over that, give those single dads a chance. I had always dated single men who had never been married, no kids, and had advanced degrees. I had been about to start online dating when I met my now-fiance. I would have checked boxes requiring that a potential date not have been married, not have kids, and had a college degree. My fiance has a daughter and an ex-wife and no degree. But he is smart, funny, and really gets me. It’s been a huge change going from happy hours and going out to bars to being a stepmom but we just clicked on that first date and suddenly it wasn’t a huge deal that he was divorced and had a kid. Admittedly, I wanted to have kids eventually, so I can understand if you don’t want kids, there’s no point in dating someone who has them. But if you had envisioned having them someday, I’d encourage you to give some of your friends’ single dads a chance.
Susan
On the downside, beware of ones who have always tried to dump most of the childcare responsibilities on their now ex-wives, and are desperately seeking to transfer all those responsibilities onto some new woman/victim.
On the plus side, they are not likely to get flummoxed if you two decide to have more children. He’s already been through it and won’t be like: OMG! What’s a diaper????
Also on the plus side, they’ve probably got some wisdom from being married and divorced. They might be less likely to make newbie relationship mistakes. :-)
KLG
Good point. My fiance is the more hands-on parent (even though he has less physical custody time) so I was confident I would be an extra pair of hands and not the primary caregiver in our relationship with his child. I often take that role because I enjoy it and really am attached to his child at this point, but I bet I would be really resentful if it was just expected that I would do so.
Insanely Happy
19: met first husband
24: married first husband
30: divorced first husband
40: met soulmate
45 (today): insanely happy
Oh, and for TCFKAG and KC’s moms, somewhere in there I found time to graduate from a Seven Sisters college and a Top 20 law school, travel the world and become partner in BigLaw.
Your friend will be fine. She just doesn’t know it yet, and that was the scary part for me.
Insanely Happy
First, apologies, my other comment was supposed to be a response to OP.
Second, in response to Susan and KLG, although the statistics say that second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages, my fiancé and I (both divorced, he with kids, met in our 40s, together six years now) have a theory: the divorce rates for second marriages in which both partners really took time after their respective divorces to learn from their mistakes have a much lower divorce rate than any other marriages. Our therapist calls it having been to “appreciation school.” Wednesday Martin in “Stepmonster” cites data that second marriages with children that survive past three years are the strongest marriages around. I personally can say that I behave in this relationship differently than I did in my first marriage, and my fiancé is a dream partner and father.
anon
I mean what am I even going to say? It’s so hard. He has done nothing wrong. But I am not excited to see him at all. He is so crazy about me. It’s been four years. I did have feelings for him in the beginning but it’s been a year since I last have.
KLG
There isn’t a lot to say and in a situation like this, I think less is probably better than more. I basically said “I’m so sorry because you are a great person and I think the world of you, but I know in my heart of hearts that this relationship isn’t right for me and it’s never going to be right for me. ” It wasn’t easy, I definitely felt like shit for destroying him like that, but I am convinced I did us both a favor. We both deserved to be with someone who really loved us and I was robbing him of that by staying with him.
KLG
Whoops, I used a bad word in my first post and got moderated, let me try to reply to this again…
There isn’t a lot to say and in a situation like this, I think less is probably better than more. I basically said “I’m so sorry because you are a great person and I think the world of you, but I know in my heart of hearts that this relationship isn’t right for me and it’s never going to be right for me. ” It wasn’t easy, I definitely felt like [a completely terrible awful horrible person] for destroying him like that, but I am convinced I did us both a favor. We both deserved to be with someone who really loved us and I was robbing him of that by staying with him.
Anon for This
As someone who was just on the receiving end of this, I have to disagree that saying less is better. Hearing that you’re just not “right” without more is not fair to the person–I know I feel as though I have no answers and have no way to know how I will be able to trust the next person who tells me they love me, because I have no idea WHY I was not right. So if you can explain at all what you want or need that you aren’t able to get from the person–even if they disagree–I think it is kinder to tell them, so they don’t have to endlessly wonder and feel too terrified the next time they have a chance to be with someone.
KLG
I’m so sorry, Anon for This. It was awful doing it so I imagine it was 1,000 times more painful to be on the receiving end. :( I guess my point was just that nothing you say is going to make it okay or make him not hurt. At the end of the day you are telling someone who loves you very much that you do not feel the same way. It’s crushing no matter how nicely you do it. But I really do think breaking up is kinder than staying with someone just because you don’t want to hurt their feelings.
Rocking the boat.
Just did this breakup. It was hard, and he is crushed, but it was not a great relationship for me. I am still having a hard time but I am really glad that I worked up the guts to end it. Not capable of worrying about the next one yet but glad I let that one go.
KC
One of my best friends is in the same place. It’s easy to second guess yourself, but you will come to peace with the decision :) In the meantime, glad to hear you’re focusing on yourself. Everything will work out.
Rocking the boat.
I might be your friend…hahaha.
Another anon
If you are interested in single unattached men, they are out there. At 38 I met my sweetie who was 30 and had spent his 20’s doing road warrier consulting work. He had never married, or been engaged. You just need to find a guy who did the same thing you did, focusing on career and school and now is having similar thoughts, they are out there.
Jennifer
When I was nearly 36, I met up with an old college friend (as in we were part of the same circle, not super-close friends) for drinks after learning he had moved back here. Two years later we were married, and now (a year and a half after the wedding) we’re getting ready to welcome a baby.
I do sometimes wish this all could have happened about five-ten years sooner so we’d have more years together, have a bigger window for family building (we’ll almost certainly just have this one child, which, as someone who loves her sister, I am sometimes sad about), I’d have gotten to know my mother-in-law before her health started declining so much, etc. But to be honest (and I think he would say this, too), we wouldn’t have worked at that time — he had some issues that he still needed to work through, I needed some time living completely on my own rather than being enmeshed in the roommate dramas of my 20s, etc. And the only reason our reacquaintance came to pass in the first place was that he moved back to help his ailing mother.
L
This is exactly why I love this blog so much. Thank you for all your stories — I’m actually going to show her some of these stories because sometimes knowing that you’re not alone is comforting. I sincerely thank you all for being awesome and responding. Have a wonderful weekend!
KK
Ok I’m glad you’re acknowledging the reasonable concerns about not meeting someone earlier. I agree that 30 is certainly no magical expiration date and it is ridiculous to give up on happily ever after if you haven’t met the right person by then. I also agree that it is much much better to marry Mr. Right at 40 than Mr. Wrong at 28.
But I don’t like telling a 30 year old single woman that she’s crazy for being concerned about something that every single 30 year old single woman has thought about at least once or twice. It’s not crazy to have concerns. Everyone wants to meet the right person as soon as reasonably possible (i.e. convenient). And its ok to admit that you want to marry or have children. To me, that just means your friend (for the OP) should be relieved that this guy, clearly a Mr. Wrong, broke up with her so that she can be free to meet the right person.
I’m not sure that I’m getting across what I’m trying to say, which is: you shouldn’t be ashamed for wanting to meet the right person/marry them by age 30. It’s ok to want that. Lots of people do. But it’s also important to know that your life isn’t over if it doesn’t happen that way, which is the point other posters have already covered well.
Anon for This
I feel for your friend–I am also about to turn 30 and just had this happen to me (though all my friends and family loved him, and he really was a wonderful man). I have no advice, just a huge hug for her. And I look forward to the comments from other posters, as I can always use some reassurance and/or advice on this same subject.
Backgrounder
Maybe it’s something in the air. This happened to me as well…last weekend. Super long story but I feel crushed about how the relationship ended. I’m staring 30 in the eye and it hurts like a b*tch but it’s super reassuring to hear all of the stories and comments on this blog! Thanks ‘Rettes.
Backgrounder
Got stuck in moderation too used a bad word…
Maybe it’s something in the air. This happened to me as well…last weekend. Super long story but I feel crushed about how the relationship ended. I’m staring 30 in the eye and it hurts like a beyotch but it’s super reassuring to hear all of the stories and comments on this blog! Thanks ‘Rettes.
beenthere
I spent my 30th birthday crying in my office at work because I knew I needed to end my marriage. It had been 4 years of verbal abuse, and I needed to get out….but it was HARD, and I struggled with thoughts that I was now old and “damaged goods”, and I was devestated by the thought I might never get to have (biological) children. A few weeks later, I initiated divorce proceedings, and felt…..free, and happy, and full of joy and energy for the first time in years. One week before my 31st birthday I met my wonderful boyfriend, and he put together the most fun and thoughtful birthday celebration I’ve ever had. I never thought I’d get to experience love at first sight (or, rather, conversation) – I didn’t think such things happened to practical me -, but, I met him at a work dinner and that night as I was saying my prayers and falling asleep I was overcome by a peaceful sense that we would be GOOD together. And a year later, I still amazed that there’s someone in this world who I enjoy being with so much. So….it can get better! And I definately feel a lot younger, and more joyful, at almost 32 than I did at 30!
eastbaybanker
Teared up reading this! Good for you.
Susan
I am so glad you’ve found happiness! That is wonderful to hear.
Esquared
BTW, in a previous post about a friend’s breakup, someone suggested getting massages w/ your friend (or sending her to one), because one of the things that’s really hard to get over is the sudden lack of physical contact with another person.
I personally LOVED this idea…. if you guys can afford it, I’d say this is an awesome splurge & am definitely keeping it in my arsenal of nice things to do for friends in the future.
As for breakups, just keep her busy busy busy– that is the only way to stop obsessing and move on imho.
Anon
Here’s an inspiring story from a past generation. I am the product of my parents’ second marriages. They were both married once before, both very early (they were 19 and 22). My mom got divorced in her late 20’s, my dad in his early 30’s. They never had kids with their first spouses because it just “wasn’t right” (my mom was even pretty sure she did not want to have children until she met my dad). They met at a singles dance while their respective divorces were still pending, got married last than a year later, and had children. They’re completely perfect for each other and have been together over 35 years. I am obviously very happy they both decided to leave marriages that were not working, because otherwise I would not be here!
Also, FWIW, I am in my late 20’s and single, and try to remind myself as often as possible that you really never know what’s around the corner. 30 is definitely not “too old for love.”
Cb
I love this but the model looks so irritated.
Anon 42
Early TJ. How in the sam hill do people manage to wear flats? I have never been able to find a comfortable pair in my adult life but after all the AGL talk lately I took a chance on a used pair from eBay. They are more comfortable (and flattering to my wide foot) than most I’ve tried but the backs of my heels were still rubbed raw by the time I got to the office. I thought this wouldn’t happen with shoes that should already be broken in. What am I doing wrong? Seriously. Will I eventually build up calluses there or do I just somehow have the wrong shape foot for flats?
ELS
I have very narrow heels, and sometimes have this problem with flats.
I don’t wear them often to work, both due to the fact that I am on the short side, and that I’m too lazy to get my pants hemmed to flats length. However, when I do wear flats, I’ve found that shoes with elastic/stretch around the heel are the best-fitting for me. I’ve also had luck with Nine West (always on sale, though).
KLG
Most of my flats are made infinitely more comfortable by putting a bandaid on my heels before work in the morning. I know people swear by putting things in the heel themselves but I’ve always been too lazy to give that a shot. Some of my flats don’t require it, but for those that do, it instantly makes them more comfortable.
Anon in ATX
Are the shoes rubbing because they are too loose? I found this stuff at the drugstore by Dr. Scholls that comes in a roll. Its a cushion that tapes to the back of the shoe, and you cut the strip to size your shoes. I have good luck with it & keep it at work in case I need to re-apply.
Anon 42
They are a little loose actually. This sounds like it might do the trick- thanks!
Merabella
If they are loose, try putting some inserts in to fill out the shoe and make them feel better.
AnotherLadyLawyer
If you don’t want the roll, they also make individual heel liners – they are in every single pair of shoes I own!
NOLA
I have problems with flats. I have to have more inside padding or a little wedge or my knees feel like I’ve been walking on pavement all day. I also have had problems with either the heels or front rubbing raw on my foot. I just don’t wear them that often.
TAH
I have this problem with some flats too. A really great (former) local shoe store owner told me that it is because the space between my heel and ankle is on the short side, so, depending on the shoe, the top of the back of the shoe may be hitting me in the wrong place.
She suggested heel pads that go under your foot to lift it up (I get the gel ones) for those shoes that hit in the spot that would always be rubbed raw, and cushioned strips that stick into the back of all my shoes to make them a little more snug. I haven’t had the rubbing problem since I started following this advice.
Associette
Anon 42, try the Me Too flats. They are wonderful. Fashionable and professional with just enough support. I have two pairs of Me Too Paige flats that I purchased at Nordstrom. My two are nude and black, with slightly different bow embellishments. Love.
rosie
I mostly wear Paul Mayer Attitudes flats. The tie in the front goes all the way around, so I can actually tighten them so my heel doesn’t slip. They also just seem to hit my heel in the right spot.
Esquared
Ok, I have SUCH a horrible time with shoes that I have pretty much always worn sandals or newbalance sneakers, which makes it not so easy to look like a lawyer.
I have big, wide, flat duck feet that somehow seem to keep getting bigger & bigger. I also HATE that weird awful rub… so I just keep searching. 1 thing that I have found helps is finding a flat w/ an elastic/soft material back or one that is lined with fleece.
I know it’s controversial, but I seriously kind of love payless for flats & heels for my awful feet. They are the only place I’ve found that has wide shoes that don’t look like they are for grannies. I got this flat recently & love it (http://alturl.com/np4dx)– plus it’s $20, you can’t really go wrong even if you end up hating them.
I’ve had good luck w/ 9 west too & a little w/ naturalizer, but seriously neither are as comfy as the pairs I’ve gotten from payless.
Making Moves
Any advice for finding a roommate in a new city? Making my first non-school dictated move this summer. Unfortunately most of my friends are scattering across the country, so I don’t have any direct leads. I’m hoping that a friend of a friend situation will work out, but would like to have an alternative backup strategy as well.
L
What city are you going to? Maybe someone on here will have a lead for you.
Making Moves
Moving to Boston, if that helps :)
big dipper
I’m not sure what you’re looking for/where you want to live in Boston/when you’re planning on moving….but I’m subletting my room in my apartment in Boston for the summer.
It’s only temporary (available most of May through the end of August) but it would be an easy way to “transition” to the city – live somewhere temporary, get a feel for the city, meet some people and then move into a more permanent living situation.
Otherwise, I recommend Craigslist. I know it seems sort of sketchy at first, but a bunch of my friends have had really good experiences finding roommates/apartments/sublets here in Boston through the site.
coco
Ok, totally random – but I have a friend moving up to Boston just for the summer looking for a sublet. Where is your apartment located?
Email me at coco.corporette at g mail if you have any more details.
Cali CPA
I just found a nice normal person on Craigslist! They are out there.
Susan
Second the Craigslist rec.
I moved out of my old Hells Kitchen apartment to the UWS, and looked for postings on Craigslist. After an email exchange or two, it was easy to sort out who was serious and who was not. The girl that became my roommate met me at Starbucks, and we met 2-3 times to discuss and finalize all the details. She and I later became good friends and have remained so long after she and I both got married and moved to other places.
We joke that it worked in the way that arranged marriages work– rockbottom expectations. (“Oh, we want the same basic things, you’re not a 500lb hirsute axe-murderer. DEAL!”)
Unlike many roommate situations where two friends (who’ve never lived with each other move in together and then hate each other), we didn’t have anything to project onto each other. The fab friend you like to brunch with and knows all about your costume jewelry fixation, may think that its always your job to clean the bathroom, etc. etc. :-)
Susan
“it’s”, not “its”. Can’t type.
Making Moves
Oh, I completely agree about the difficulties of rooming with friends. I decided not to live in a house with my best friends senior year of college, and the drama I’ve avoided has more that validated that decision.
I think my expectations are low. I know I’m a bit of a neat freak compared to the rest of the world, and can accept that if I have higher standards I’m responsible for meeting them myself ;)
My biggest fears are ending up with someone crazy… but I’m reassured to hear Craigslist has been successful for others!
rosie
I once ended up with someone crazy (not in an overtly threatening way, just very, very strange/creepy). It was a summer sublet, and we hadn’t met in person before I got there, but had talked on the phone a bit and emailed. In retrospect, there were things he said that I rationalized by thinking “oh, this person is just laid back or more friendly than I’m used to” that should have been signs to me that the situation wouldn’t work out. On the bright side, I moved fairly quickly into another situation found on CL, and the woman I lived with was so sweet, we hung out a lot, and are still in touch.
a.
I also had a normal Craigslist roommate. We weren’t friends by any stretch of the imagination, but we cohabited functionally. And no drama!
Anne
I lived with various sets of roommates in a 3-bedroom apartment for 5 years. One of them was my friend first; four were friends of friends; and two I met randomly on craigslist. Of the 7 of them, one of the girls I found randomly is now one of my closest friends, and worked out the best in terms of a roommate situation. The girl who was my friend first is now no longer my friend. The others all worked out somewhere inbetween (including the other craigslist girl, who turned out to be a pretty annoying roommate, although no big fights or anything). I definitely recommend craigslist; you just have to go into it with few expectations.
momentsofabsurdity
MakingMoves — I am currently looking for a roommate in Boston and finding the search a bit difficult. I have a couple people maybe in the pipeline but also would like an alternative backup / whatever (or happy to show you around the city and make a new friend too!) — shoot me an email at momentsofabsurdity (at) gmail (dot) com if you’re interested!
so so so anon for this
Major threadjack… I know this is not standard ‘Rette material, but I’m a fairly regular commenter and always appreciate the advice that you all give. So I am in something of a situation. I’ve been married for a long time, together with my husband even longer (since early college) and we have been through some rough times, including a period during which I cheated on him. I thought that we were better, in fact we now have a child together, but I recently saw one of the cheat-ee’s (?) and we ended up kissing at the end of the night. Oh and the cheat-ee is female. I don’t know if I am really unhappy in my relationship or if I just miss the thrill but now I am just questioning everything. I feel like I can’t tell my husband since the last round was really difficult and I don’t want to hurt him again…I also don’t have any friends that I feel like I can talk to about this since I really don’t want it getting back to him. I *know* cheating is wrong and yes, I am already in therapy, but I was hoping for advice from anyone who had been there / done that? I have put an email address that people can reach me at privately if they don’t want to comment here. Thanks so much in advance, and sorry if this crosses the Corporette thread jack line…hello in advance to STFU ‘Rette. Oh, and I promise I’m not a troll! Blue painted pinky promise! :)
Anon for this
Don’t tell him.
Ditto
Ditto. Don’t tell him if this is a one-time mess up.
In the meantime, find another way to get a thrill (especially if it involves your husband) — skydiving, bungee jumping, whatever — so you’re hopefully not tempted to do it again.
Also, don’t stay with him if you’re going to be a serial cheater. But I think you know that.
so so so anon
re: don’t stay with him – even if there are kids involved? I’d like to say I won’t cheat again…but I thought that 3 years ago too. man, I suck as a human being.
TCFKAG
I commented below — but you don’t suck as a human being. You’ve made mistakes — mistakes that lots of people make.
Also — some people make “monogamish” relationships work (see e.g. Dan Savage’s column) — but that requires honest communications between spouses, not just occasional mistakes. But right now, you need to get past this personal crisis.
Anon for This
Even if there are kids involved. I think of it this way: if you’re cheating on your husband, either because you’re unhappy or otherwise, your kids are going to know that things aren’t great. They’re going to overhear the arguments, and they’re going to grow up internalizing that kind of conflict. And more importantly, as they get older, they’re going to understand WHY those fights are happening.
My parents stayed together through something like this, and in the end, everyone was miserable. Their bitterness and anger toward each other bled through into their parenting, and made it really hard on me and my brother.
And finally (and I do not mean this to be snarky, etc, but supportive): Have you explained to your husband that you’re also interested in women? While I agree that cheating isn’t great, and that it hurts him and your relationship if you’re sneaking around, it may be that men (or men alone) are not your cup of tea, and that’s what this behavior is stemming from. I’m sure you’ve discussed this with your therapist, but if that’s the underlying reason for this behavior, I think it’s important to come clean to the husband, because those feelings about women are unlikely to change over time.
Ditto
I don’t think you suck AT ALL, and I didn’t mean to sound like that.
I say don’t stay if you’re going to keep doing this, but I was assuming that the two of you aren’t monogamish, like TCFKAG pointed out. I thought this since you indicated that your husband was pretty upset during the last crisis. If both of you are on board, then I don’t really think it’s “cheating,” and I absolutely think those kinds of relationships can work.
The reason I say don’t stay if your H isn’t on board with monogamish is that there is a chance this will all come to light and he will be hurt, and because it is a huge betrayal of trust if he expects that you will be faithful.
Having said all that — I still don’t think that you should tell about this one incident. And I promise I don’t think you’re a bad person. I can absolutely 100% see myself in your shoes.
Anne Shirley
Yep, even if there are kids involved. You’re lying to your husband, and yourself. Parents splitting up isn’t any easier if the cheating goes long term. And you’re not monogomish, you’re cheating. Monogomish requires communication, and so does a marriage. If you’re not willing to do that, he deserves the chance to do better.
I don’t think you suck as a human being, but I also don’t think continuing to break your vows and hide it from him is going to make anyone happy in the long run
Maple League Admin formerly Anon Canadian
I don’t think children should be a reason to stay in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship. Ultimately kids can sense when there’s stress and unhappiness and they start feeling that too.
And no you don’t suck as a human being, but I agree with TCFKAG that therapy and couples therapy are a good idea for you two.
Monday
I say this without any harshness or shaming intended: it is not a “one-time mess-up,” because this is not the first time it has happened. The earlier “period” of cheating that the OP referred to means she has already done something like this on at least one occasion, or it may have been an ongoing thing. I won’t profess any wisdom that I don’t have here, but I think it’s important to acknowledge this for what it is, especially since the OP seems not to be able to predict her own behavior.
TCFKAG
I know I may not be on the most popular team here, but I think generally people tell their SO’s about minor episodes of cheating like this to make themselves feel better, not because they really value honesty.
So, I’m not sure that you should tell him. But you DO need to work out in therapy why you are cheating. Is it that you are unhappy in this relationship? Is it that monogamy just difficult for you (its difficult for a lot of people). Once you figure some of these things out, then maybe you two need to do some couples therapy to talk about THOSE issues, not necessarily this particular instance of cheating. Good luck! Sorry I can’t give any better advice.
so so so anon
Yup, like Dan savage says, I am more “monogamish” – but DH definitely is not…something that I should have figured out before getting married / having kids….
so so so anon
PS – thanks for the above comment, TCFKAG…
TCFKAG
haha…sorry, I just said that above. Look, you have kids and a marriage — don’t completely abandon that yet. Perhaps, once you’ve had some time to work through your own feelings, find a couples therapist who doesn’t s*ck and try to talk through this. Some people start out unwilling to deal with monogomishness but end up preferring that to divorce.
Shrug — no easy answers I guess.
Anon for This
I posted above as well – but this is totally what I was trying to get at with the last part of my comment about coming clean re: being interested in women. If you need variety, that doesn’t make you a bad person. But it is something that’s going to eventually continue, and regardless of whether you tell your husband about this particular kiss (I wouldn’t, if it were me), it’s a discussion you two should probably have with an actually-supportive counselor.
so so so anon
I should clarify – monogamish from character not from actually agreed-upon situation.
Can't talk about this at work
I can’t seem to access the email address linked in your post, and I would like to send you an e-mail about this later. So, pls post contact info, if you would like to.
So so sO anon
Can’t talk – I set up an email address anonynon2012 at googlemail dot com – would LOVE to hear from you.
Then realized that someone maybe uses a similar name as a handle? No relation if so.
Anon
TCFKAG is right on the money. Do not tell him. My husband once kissed another woman (about three weeks after I gave birth to our first child). He came home and immediately confessed to make himself feel less guilty. The only thing it did was make ME feel truly, completely, utterly awful.
I also agree with TCFKAG that you need to figure out why you are doing this. That is 100% critical.
Ellen
If ONLY Alan had been honest! FOOEY. I found out about him and Diedre after he got to drunk to lie any more.
The manageing partner came over eating pickeled HERRING that he got from his mother. His breathe is bad enough to begin with, and now it stink’s like FISH! UGH!
I will NOT stand for him breatheing on me smelling like old fish. He also does NOT cleane between his teeth. Disssgussssting!!!! FOOEY on that too!
canadian anon
The plot thickens!
Lyssa
I agree that you shouldn’t tell him, assuming that you are making every effort to ensure that it’s not going to happen again. I would also suggest that you really need to figure out what has in the past and what now has driven you to do this. If your therapist is not really, really helping you figure this out, you need a new therapist. Maybe you’re resentful of your husband for something, maybe you lack willpower, maybe you’re struggling with your sexuality, I don’t know. But you’ve got a child and a husband who care about you, and there is no excuse for hurting them.
Until you really know what’s triggering this, it would be impossible to say what you need to change to keep it from happening. But, to start, you didn’t describe what happened when you “saw” the cheatee recently – did you just run into her, make actual plans together, what? Either way, though, avoid that situation. If she calls, block her number. I’m serious – I don’t care how great a person she is, you should not have any contact with her. If she wants you to do anything that would harm your family, then she is not your friend or your lover.
Also, big problem is that you “ended up” kissing her – as if you had no control over it. You did, and you need to choose not to. Certainly, in the future, if you ever find yourself with anyone who might be tempting, you need to remove yourself from the situation. Your family is too important for that.
Good luck, and I hope that things work out for you.
Suited Up
Co-signed…Lyssa said everything I was about to say and more (and better!) Ultimately, you need to get down the bottom of this situation, for yourself and for your family. Therapy is a great place to start with that, and you don’t have to tell anyone anything until you are ready.
Also Anon
I have not been in your shoes, but don’t tell him. A kiss is just a kiss, unless you let it lead to more (and obviously if you want to stay happily married, don’t let it lead to more).
You need to work out some of your questions with your therapist, but I think you should also ask your therapist how to have a conversation with your husband about spicing up your marriage. It sounds like you’re bored. Not just s!x, but getting out of the house on weekends, trying new things together, going on a hike, going to a museum, trying a new cuisine, etc. If you have access to childcare, do some of these activities without your kid.
My husband and I have been together of years, and did experience some general disatisfaction with our relationship after about 8 years. Our relationship was fine, but it lacked excitement, and I was getting really antsy and other people were starting to look tempting. I told him that I was bored and that I wanted to see some changes in our relationship (in much nicer words), starting by implementing a monthly “new” activity. It has really worked, and I am much happier with our relationship as a result.
Anne Shirley
I just wanted to add to my comment that he deserves better- so do you! Better might mean being with someone who you’re thrilled to be monogamous with, or mean finding someone who’s happy to be monogamish with, but you won’t figure that out while you’re deceiving your husband.
Lyssa
Their child deserves the best of all, and that’s not being shoved back and forth in custody disputes, weekend trips to the “other” parent, and being expected to build a relationship with mom/dad’s newest fling. Best case scenario is that she learns to deal with her issues and live a good life with her family. That means not fighting or being miserable to the husband or letting him do the same, not ditching the family on the *chance* (and it’s only a chance) that she’ll meet someone else who is both a good relationship partner and lets her get her get off a little bit more. She’s got an problem now, but I have confidence that she can deal with it for the sake of her child.
Whore of Babylon
Wait what? You’re confident she can make this work for the sake of her child, brush off the relationship issues that give rise to cheating as a need to get off a bit more, and assume she and her husband will ruin their kids life in a messy divorce?
I don’t think I’ve ever read a more sanctimonious judgmental post disguised as advice.
Susan
Lyssa, not every child of divorce is “shoved” back and forth. Out of respect for all the divorced people I know who’ve managed to build a civil relationship with their ex-spouses, please consider that.
These folks have also been very good about shielding their children from the newest “fling.” In the case where the fling became the steady gf, and then the 2nd wife, it was only when things were very serious that the children were expected to get to know their step-mom, who is a lovely person and trying her best to be a good step-parent.
While I agree with you about what the best scenario is, please don’t be so unpleasantly judgmental towards divorced parents. Not all of them are horrible hedonistic ogres, ok?
Lyssa
Oh, please. I didn’t say that divorce would ruin her kid’s life, I said that it would be less than the best thing for her child, and s/he is the one who deserves the best. If that’s sanctamonious judgment, so be it. I’ve seen enough divorces to know that it’s true. And your sanctamonious lecture is no less judgmental. She asked for advice; I gave her what I think is best. You apparently disagree, but you’d rather call names then make your own suggestions.
Of course she has a problem – I addressed it above. Just because she has a problem doesn’t mean that it’s not something that she can work through. You equate my saying that divorce is less than the best thing for the child as “ruining the child’s life” – well, my point is that her staying married and learning to work out her problems, even if that means that she might not get to be monogomish or whatever it is that she wants right now, is not going to ruin her life. Even if she got divorced, there’s a very good chance that she wouldn’t be able to find anyone that satisfied her every desire. You can’t always get what you want, and sometimes other people come first.
Anon for This
It’s not fun to grow up with parents who don’t love each other, even if they are plenty civil to each other. Eventually their kids will pick up on it and may feel like it’s their fault their parents are even together. That’s a lot of guilt for some kids and it’s not necessarily “better” for the kids than being “shoved” back and forth every weekend. It all depends on the situation and you can’t categorically say that not divorcing is better for their kid than divorcing. Too many variables.
While I certainly think she should work on things before throwing in the towel, if she comes to the conclusion that this marriage isn’t for her, she’s probably doing her kid a favor, especially if she then works to handle divorce and custody amicably.
Susan
Ah, Lyssa, it took me a few seconds to realize that your reply was to “Whore of Babylon.” But I thought it raised some interesting quesions.
I don’t want you to think I’m trying to start an argument with you. In reading your reply to WoB, would it be correct for me to characterize your view that: “children’s suffering from divorce” is worse than “children’s suffering from parents’ bad dysfunctional marriage and general unhappiness”?
If that’s what you believe, then I can see your perspective and why you gave the advice you gave.
However, there are many of us who think that the opposite is true. I think it’s how one handles the divorce and custody and new relationships and such. I’m not sure either “side” has a monopoly on truth or wisdom. There are always going to be data points one way or another.
One thing I’m more and more convinced of, though, as I get older is this: if you don’t love someone, it’s very hard, well-nigh impossible to force yourself to love someone. And if you don’t love someone, it makes wanting to make a home and make a life with them very hard, and frankly, a miserable chore. So of course, it’d be great if the OP could make herself re-fall for her husband and for them to want the same things and live happily ever after. It’s just that life experience has said that the odds are pretty low.
If you don’t love someone and have to live with him, it’s very hard to not fight. Heck, in the marriage threads we’ve had over the past couple of days, we’ve had posters who are deeply in love with their husbands talking about fighting. Except, they have an incentive to kiss & make-up. People who are not in love don’t kiss & make-up when they fight. They add it to their resentment ledger and each fight gets uglier and nastier. And that would be a very ugly environment for children to live in.
CW
Agree with Anon for This. As the child of parents who should have gotten divorced decades ago when I was a teenager, and are just now getting around to it with a lot more hurt feelings, I would have preferred it if they recognized it earlier before their relationship denigrated to where it is now.
That said, I do not think the OP should give up on her relationship because she kissed someone else, and thinks she may be monogamish, especially because they DO have a kid. You don’t want to end a generally loving and happy marriage because you have a 7-year-itch type scenario (assuming that is what’s going on). OP – you have to talk to your therapist and your husband about your marriage (but don’t tell your husband about the kiss – it won’t help), and figure out if you both want to work on your marriage. Discussions of monogamy / monogamish can come later.
a.
Lyssa: my parents were never married, thus never had to go through a divorce, but for a brief period after my birth they made a concerted effort to “make it work for the kid.” This was an absolute, unmitigated disaster that I am blessed to have no memory of.
While I did not particularly enjoy having to trek between two houses and meet my dad’s flavors of the month, that was INCOMPARABLY (and I CANNOT emphasize that word enough, pardon the Ellen) better than the howling vortex of suffering I would have endured if they had stuck it out for the sake of the baby. It sounds like the OP’s relationship with her husband is not as bad as my parents’ was (or is), but seriously–there are situations when it is in the best interest of the child for the parents to split.
anon
Lyssa is the queen of “sanctimonious judgmental post[s]”
Anon for This
Lyssa: I think I understand where you’re coming from and why (i.e. parents who are civil to each other married are better than a truly broken and horrific divorce/post divorce experience). However, I don’t think that’s the reality for many children of divorce. In many cases (mine included) when parents don’t get along at all and “stay together for the kids” it bleeds over into their parenting and the way they interact in the family as a whole. That often leads to just as much, if not more, dysfunction.
Just two experiences, from me and my husband: His parents fought and yelled. They got divorced when he was 12, and in his mind, it made life so so much better. He saw more of both his parents (his dad had taken to working long hours previously to avoid his mother). Now he has strong relationships with both his parents.
Mine … did not divorce. They are still together, but lead separate lives and live in separate bedrooms (my dad moved into mine when I moved out for college). They yelled. They fought. They fumed. It definitely affected their relationship with me and my brother. And as a result, I wanted to get out of the house and never look back the second I was 18. And that’s exactly what I did.
TCFKAG
Okay…I feel like we got off track here. The OP indicated that she does love her husband and does want to make it work, but that she’s struggled with monogamy.
That’s a big jump from — omg, I’m going to live a miserable life for the sake of the kids (in which case, I agree, divorce is better.)
So so so anon - op
As the OP I just wanted to say I actually really appreciate Lyssa’s comments – I posted my question here for this kind of honest response.
Susan
I know you were trying to cram a lot of information into your post so we could assess and advise, but…at no point do I see you saying that you love your husband.
So I am going to pose the question to you explicitly:
Do you love your husband?
Do you enjoy his company?
Do you enjoy s*x with him?
If you answer ‘no’ or ‘not really’ or “I’m not sure” to any of these three, I think you should seriously consider, in your therapy, whether it makes more sense to divorce. If you are not happy, then I’m sorry that you are in that situation. But I also don’t think that you should stay and also make these other people unhappy, too. These other people are your husband and your child, who will certainly have the emotional antennae to pick up on the unhappiness.
So so so anon - op
Susan that is exactly what I’m struggling with – I don’t know anymore.
Susan
Ouch. That’s really tough, OP and I wouldn’t wish your situation on anyone.
I can only echo those who say– find a really good therapist to help you untangle some of these questions. I hope you can find happiness, and I hope your family can find happiness, too. Good luck and keep us posted. We’ll be sending supportive vibes regardless.
anon for this one
I wouldn’t go as far to say you suck as a human being. You say you’re monogamish but your DH definitely isn’t. That being established, one of you needs to compromise or the both of you are better off going your separate ways. Children are so not a reason to stay in a broken relationship. As the child of divorced parents, I can tell you it was worse growing up in a house full of tension. You also need to think about how your child will feel when he/she eventually finds out about this. And trust me, kids always find out, sooner or later.
My mom had an affair but led me and my brother to believe that dad was the one who cheated. Rather than have us hate her, he let us think it was true. My brother was the one who found out about the cheating years later when an old acquaintance on my parents let it slip. Neither of us look at them the same now. Yes, we love our parents but feel betrayed because when they got divorced, he was 15 and I was 18, ages we would have been able to comprehend the circumstances.
Sorry if I’m rambling but I just wanted to give you a scenario where they stayed together because of the children and it was worse for everyone in the long run. This is difficult and I’m sorry you’re going through this but at the end of the day you brought it on yourself. If you aren’t the type to only be with one person, don’t marry someone who is.
anon anon original poster
thanks everyone for your comments, g0od and bad – i have to say i actually agree with the above poster that it is in the best interests of our child if i can get things together and work it out – i don’t think we are at the point of divorce, i think i need therapy to figure out how to love my husband the way he deserves to be loved, and to learn how to be happy because I have everything that I could want and still manage to make myself miserable. thanks again, lots of great and thoughtful comments, love this group sooo much…
O
I don’t understand the people saying “don’t tell as it’s a one time slip up”. It’s not a one time slip up. She’s cheated multiple times. She is a CPOS. Note that this is the flip side of not telling. The issues are never resolved and once the door is opened, it’s easier to do it again and again. The OP could easily slip into another affair, because as she admits, her needs are not being met at home.
OP, PLEASE do whatever you can to get some clarity on the issue. Get a better therapist, get to couple’s counseling and open up to your husband. You don’t have to tell him about the affair but you HAVE to tell him about your needs. He does not deserve to be cheated on and if you are going to just cheat on and off for the rest of the marriage, it will come out and probably end your marriage. I actually vote for tell him (about this issue) because I think it’s probably the only way you won’t do it again. It is also the only way to bring home the urgency of your monogamish tendencies. Otherwise I’m guessing you would downplay the whole situation, he would refuse to open up the relationship and you would take that as justification to cheat more. I’m guessing it won’t be real to you until there are consequences so better speak up now and have controlled fury, rather than the divorce + custody drama which Lyssa predicts if your husband finds out about the repeated infidelity.
Kids will survive either way. Don’t use them as an excuse to hurt your husband. No offense, but
cfm
I totally agree- kinda shocked everyone is like oh it is a one time thing don’t tell. This is a reoccurring thing with not much time in between.
OP it sounds like you know you have some things to work out- hope you get some answers. I think it is such a beautiful healthy thing to live life honestly. Use therapy and help and friends to try to strive towards an honest life, which could lead to a variety of outcomes, but so many things change when you realize you are no longer lying to yourself, to your husband, to your friends.
i'm like this too
I’m like this too. Some people have drugs, drink, food, whatever. I think it really is like a drug for me. I spent a long time thinking I was a bad person, and then just accepted it was part of who I was. My medicine is a week away by myself every 5 years where my husband and I adopt a don’t ask don’t tell policy. I get to sit out in sidewalk cafes in Paris flirting with whomever I want.
My husband feels strongly that I cannot ever be involved with an “old flame,” and for my emotional sanity, I agree with him and always respect it.
Also, my husband married me knowing in full disclosure that a week away every five years was part of my “price of admission.” Its really hard to negotiate these things after the fact.
anon for this one
Wow, I hope the both of you get tested for HIV/STDs after your week away…
Curious, is DH allowed this week of “don’t ask don’t tell” as well?
For karenpadi
karenpadi-
You mentioned yesterday your firm is looking for patent attorneys. I couldn’t find your email address in the thread. Could you re-post it here? I’m looking for a job in the field, but I cannot remember where you are located.
Thanks!
F in LA
She’s in the SF Bay Area, karenpadi AT yahoo DOT come
For karenpadi
Thanks!!
karenpadi
actually, it’s karenpadi at hotmail dot com. Sorry for the confusion.
Bunkster
Just found out that the reason my boss was emailing me to check numbers at 1:30 am was because he was at The Hunger Games midnight showing. Meanwhile, he told all of us that he was working until 3am.
Monday
He’s really the stuff of legend, isn’t he?
SF Bay Associate
Ughhhh. Your boss is a d-bag, Bunkster.
TCFKAG
I hope the odds aren’t forever in HIS favor. Grrrr.
canadian anon
I now have visions of Bunkster’s Boss getting shot full of arrows, or devoured by wasps. An excellent outcome.
goirishkj
LOL! That Tracker Jacker venom is pretty serious stuff. Oh, that would be perfect for him!
MsZ
I think we need to start a club – “In search of Bunkster’s boss.”
Tired Squared
Or eaten by mutts.
Susan
Singed by a fireball!
anon
I’m upset for you that your boss is such an as*face. But knowing that it is a 2 hour 20 minutes movie, I am also very upset for the poor people near him in the theater as he was sending emails!!!
Bunkster
Just checked. He sent the email at 2:37 am, right after he got out of the movie.
Effie Trinket
Happy Hunger Games! And may the odds be ever in you favor!
Ellie
EEEEE! Going to see it tomorrow morning, I’m SO excited!!
CW
ME TOO!!
Jenny
So excited! I’m dragging my BF to a Sunday matinee, and I can’t wait. For DC Corporettes, we’re going to the Uptown, which is my favorite theater ever, and having dinner at Lebanese Taverna after, so it’s basically going to be the greatest day of my entire life.
TAH
I’m going tonight at 7:30. So excited, and happy that my hubby is coming with me, even though he thinks I’m a little nuts (and this from a guy that happily went to Universal Studios and bought a wand from Olivander’s)!
Team Gale
Sooo sleepy from seeing the midnight showing, but it was so worth it :) Also slightly embarrassed that my friend and I were some of the few people old enough to drive themselves home from the movie at 2:30 a.m..
Team Peeta
HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY BE TEAM GALE!!!!!
(haha just kidding….sort of.)
Maple League Admin formerly Anon Canadian
Am I the only person that thinks they got the casting for Peeta and Gale reverse? Or maybe I just don’t like Josh Hutcherson for either but that Hemsworth boy should’ve definitely been Peeta.
TCFKAG
+1 million (btw I’m Team Peeta above). I’m not sure Hemsworth shouldn’t have been Gale, but bless his heart Hutcherson looks nothing like my mental picture of Peeta. I’ll be interested to see what he’s like in the movie itself though.
AnotherLadyLawyer
OMG THIS! Times a million.
30
I’m with TCFKAG.
Sconnie
Actually, I have been thinking that their Peeta casting was the most like my vision when I read the books. Their Katniss, on the other hand, I am not feeling at all, but maybe when I actually see the movie it will change my mind.
Anastasia
I actually kinda like the casting. In my imagination, Gale is a lot more attractive than Peeta, so they would have had to find someone really gorgeous to play Gale if Hemsworth were Peeta.
Definitely Team Peeta, here. I can’t wait to see the movie this weekend!!
FP Angie
Yes! I agree.
ML
I thought the casting for Peeta was spot on and I agree- I always pictured Gale being way more attractive. Casting for Katniss is not at all how I pictured her, but after watching winters bone, I think JL is gonna rock it. Also, I always assumed District 12 was in the appalachian mountains area (coal) and the actress comes from that part of the country (kentucky) so it seems very natural. And I was team gale all the way…until end of the series when I became hardcore team Peeta . ;)
a.
I’m sorry to barge in, as someone who has never read the Hunger Games: but having a character named Peeta would just make me uncontrollably crave pita chips for the entirety of the time I was reading the book (or this thread). That is all.
KK
I like the casting for Gale, but I think the casting for Peeta is whack, given the casting for Katniss. Josh Hutcherson looks like Jennifer Lawrence’s little brother. I get absolutely no chemistry vibes off them at all, it actually makes me feel a little icky just thinking about it. I heard they were considering Hunter Parrish (from Weeds) for the role and, in my mind, he would have been the perfect Peeta for this Katniss and this Gale. Josh Hutcherson might have been ok if the other two were cast differently, but as it is… no thanks. But there is no way I could see Josh as Gale. Gale has to have kind of a manly gruffness. Josh is…well, he’s not that. Liam is pretty perfect.
For the record, I was ambivalent on the love triangle in the books. I liked Gale more but I thought that it made sense in the end.
MissJackson
+1
Team Gale
:) I just feel so sorry for poor, beautiful Gale. I also thought the casting was off on Peeta at first because he looked waaaay different in my head, but he won me over by the end of the movie. The only casting choice I’m still not happy with is President Snow.
anon
I have to wait until Sunday to see it! I’m so impatient I’m tempted to go see it all alone tonight.
FWIW
My impression from the books wasn’t that Gale was necessarily *more* attractive, but that he was attractive in a more dark, tall and brooding kind of way, while Peeta was more of a “pretty boy.” To the extent that I am right, I think the casting is generally on-target.
suomi
Love the pattern, but not the elastic rushing. For someone with my figure, wider in the rear area /thighs, I feel that such blouses add some unnecessary thickness where I do need it.
PharmaGirl
This kind of elastic makes my bust area look weirdly puffy, especially since I am somewhat short waisted. I’m not sure what figure you need to pull off these kinds of tops. Even the model looks a bit odd.
suomi
Precisely!
Littlest Attorney
So I don’t love the shape of the blouse, but I do love the print. Browsing around on the Nordie’s site I saw this skirt in the same print …
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/amber-sun-inverted-pleat-print-skirt/3219110?origin=coordinating-3219110-0-1-1
Someone please buy it so I can live vicariously though you, since I’m on a shopping haitus for the forseeable future (started in Feb and will likely last through August – it was beyond miserable at first but now its ok).
Anastasia
Ooh, I like the skirt much more than the weirdly ruched top. And marked down to $43. Yes, please. I’m buying it now. :) Thanks!
Susan
Print is nice, the shape is perfect for when I want to spur pregnancy rumors.
Yes, there are people in my company who guess who is going to get pregnant next. Maybe I’ll get this top to mess with them a bit.
TCFKAG
I am firmly in support of starting false pregnancy rumors just to mess with people. :-) Its advanced trolling, real-world style.
Susan
I will admit that yes, in early January, I considered going to a costume shop to rent a belly
Not a HUGE belly, but just a little pouf….to really get the rumor mill ablaze with: “is she pregnant or just had a great holiday eating season?”
Sconnie
One Halloween my costume involved looking obviously pregnant – the best part of the night was showing up to parties and having a drink, and watching everyone in the room think at the same time, “Is she or isn’t she?”
eek
b23 — re: salon gloss. I know you’re looking at a salon treatment, but wanted to close the loop on the at home stuff. The Clairol box one s*cks and it left my hair pretty dull (I followed the instructions carefully). The Fekkai one is the way to go for an at home treatment.
b23
Oooh, thanks! So nice of you to follow up. I had been tempted by the at-home stuff.
I’ve decided I’m going to give it a go. The results were mixed between love it and nothing special, so it seems like I need to see what it does to my hair before making a decision.
Thanks, girls!
eek
Oh, my hair is quite thick with a little wave.
Homesick
Ugh ugh ugh. My interview yesterday did not go well. According to the recruiter, I came off very nervous and it sounded like the reason I left my previous firm was because I had conflicts with my supervisor (which isn’t true, and even if it was, I wouldn’t have said anything about him). I suppose I was nervous (who isn’t?), but I think a lot of it was because I am exhausted and didn’t really have a lot of time to prepare so I just babbled a lot, which made me seem a lot more nervous (or who knows, maybe crazy). I had told the recruiter I didn’t want to interview until after tax season, but this job was so perfect for me that I made an exception and now I regret it. The recruiter really seems to be pushing for me, so maybe she’ll be willing to meet with me again, but honestly I am so embarrassed now.
Susan
Do you have a friend with a webcam or a camera with a video function?
If so, I’d write up a bunch of typical interview questions, put them in a hat and let your friend draw them out (so you don’t walk in knowing exactly what will be asked) and ask them.
Have your friend film you while you’re interviewed. That will allow you to honestly assess how you come across. One warning though — it’s very hard to watch. You see all your weird tics and facial expressions and things that look terrible and weird, and you can sometimes be mortified that this is how you’ve been presenting yourself to the world the whole time. And then you fix those things and ace the next interview. :-)
I know you can do it. Good luck, and keep us posted, dear.
Homesick
Thanks for the suggestion. I will definitely work on interview questions before my next interview – the recruiter even said that she wished I had some more time because she would have helped me. I think I was especially thrown for a loop because she wanted to discuss my old job a lot, which I had not prepared for, and honestly there were a million little reasons that I left that I have just forgotten about, because once I left I just moved on with my life and now I only think about my friends and the good times there. I started with a dozen people and when I left there was only one left, so it’s not like I was alone in leaving the company. I’m supposed to be working on a thank you note that will convince her to still consider me, but honestly I don’t know what to write other than “please forget yesterday! That was my evil twin!”
Thanks for replying, I don’t really have any friends in real life to talk to about this.
Former MidLevel
We’ve all had bad interviews. Please don’t let it get you down. Just take the criticism to help you do a better job next time.
Homesick
Thanks. Obviously it hurts hearing things like that, but I’m glad that I know what went (so so so) wrong. I’ve already thought about some of the things that I said and have come up with hopefully better answers that will make me sound better in the future and since I’ve thought about it hopefully I will also sound less nervous.
TCFKAG
First of all — do NOT let embarrassment keep you from taking the second chance at the interview. We’ve all had bad interviews, try to take the chance to show them that you’re better then that!
Second, try to schedule the interview on a Monday or on a day where you can take half of the day before off (I know its tax season and that may be hard/impossible — but maybe call in sick (?)). Then spend the day before doing things that relax you and prepping — take a yoga class, go get your hair and nails did, review your resume and your list of accomplishments, read up on their company. Then practice talking about yourself in a glowing manner in the mirror.
And then go back into that interview and rock it. Repeat after me “I am Homesick! I am awesomesauce!! They would be lucky to have me!!!” You go girl (z-snap).
Homesick
I just emailed the interviewer a thank you email expressing my interest in the job, so if she is willing to see me again I will take it. I feel like it is out of my hands now, so now I can only wait and see what happens.
I unfortunately didn’t have a choice of when the interview would be, the recruiter just set up 4 interviews yesterday morning and I could pick between 7:30 and 8:00. I agree though, I think that I would have come off a lot better if it was Monday morning. I definitely need to think about more my own accomplishments though, I’m just so stuck trying to get things out now, it’s hard to think about what happened yesterday, let alone the past 4 years. I think a lot of that is what tripped me up.
I love your enthusiasm! I will try to remember that next time!
January
One other thought: interviewing gets easier (and less intimidating) the more you do it, so even if this one didn’t go very well, that doesn’t mean that all of your interviews will be like this. Keep working with the recruiter, be very patient with yourself and with the process, and good luck!
– Signed, Person Engaged in an Endless Job Hunt.
Homesick
I really hope that none of them ever go like this again! Good luck with your job search, I’ve only been looking for a short time, so I have no idea how I would survive an endless job hunt.
anon
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I had a similar thing happen to me recently. I NEVER get nerves in interviews, but it was at the end of a long week and I wanted the job so badly, and I think that made me nervous. I developed a twitch in my cheek and once it went away I forgot how to relax the muscles in my face. I basically grimaced through the entire interview. I probably looked like a serial killer. It happens to all of us at some point.
I didn’t get the job, but after further reflection realized that I wanted it for the wrong reasons and it wouldn’t have been a good move for me. I’m a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. If this job doesn’t work out, this experience will help you prepare for the next one.
Homesick
I actually went on a few interviews about a year ago and I don’t think that I was nearly as nervous at any of those as I was yesterday, I think in part because I didn’t want any of the job that badly. I just wish that I could have acted so weirdly at those interviews instead of yesterday!
Even though I think that this job would really be a good fit for both me and the company, I also believe in things happening for a reason, so if I don’t get the job I’m sure something else will come up. This recruiter has found jobs for two former coworkes and showed me some other jobs that she was hiring for, and while I was I wasn’t qualified for them, there were some pretty awesome ones (like the tax department of one of the largest and very well-funded art museums in the city! If only I had worked on more nonprofits). If nothing else, now I know what not to do next time.
wawa
I’m getting married in two weeks. Any advice on how to get/keep my skin clean and clear until then?
MsZ
water. water water water. You will inevitably get dehydrated from running around crazy – keep a water bottle with you at all times. And don’t give in to temptation to do anything crazy / different to your skin – you’d hate to have a bad reaction. Best wishes!
CW
Water, sleep, and exfoliation. Avoid trying any new products. Congrats!
KC
Agreed. Though if you don’t already exfoliate, start with a gentle one (no peels or anything – you might have an allergic reaction). Drink plenty of water, minimize caffeine, make sleep a priority, and use sunscreen (you don’t want an unflattering sun burn for the big day!).
And congrats!
Maple League Admin formerly Anon Canadian
A homemade paste with sugar and citrus juice, sugar and honey are supposed to be really good mechanical exfoliants. And mashed up pineapple and papaya are good chemical exfoliants.
Susan
I’m jotting this down. Even though I’m not getting married (been there, done that, still havin’ fun), my skin looks dead and grey.
I am so trying this when I get home! Weekend beauty projects rock. :-)
SAlit-a-gator
I swear by Clean and Clear sylicic acid 2% solution – it’s clear, so you can dab it on before you go to bed and not look like a mummy (I’m looking at you benzyl peroxide cream). I put some on at the first sign of a pimple and the next morning disaster is averted.
suomi
It probably depends on the skin, but chocolate and other sweet and fatty foods may cause pimples. So if you can avoid these and drink lots of water (as already many gals suggested), you would be fine!
Oh, and touching you face a lot (I do it when I am reading/ studying) can make it more prone to breakouts, etc.
AIMS
Find a dermatologist and if you have a last minute zit pop up, go in for a cortisone shot. If you’re like me, knowing this is the plan will actually prevent you from breaking out.
Suited Up
If have access to a steam room, that would be great for your skin. And massage! To get that lovely glow!
C.G.
Ooh, I’m getting married in two weeks (plus one day), too! Thanks for asking this question, the recommendations are very useful.
C.G.
And also, congratulations!
wawa
You too!
Thanks everyone!
mamabear
Drink tons of water and green tea, eat as many berries as you can stand (seriously, best thing for glowy skin ever) and avoid sugar and refined flour. Go easy on the wine if it tends to make you flush at all.
Unpuffed
I cut out alcohol for 2 weeks before my wedding to improve my skin and de/avoid puff in general.
Anon-o
Threadjack: what does everyone think about matching jacket and dress suits for a 1st time interview? I have a really beautiful black one from Tahari and was just called in for a last minute interview next week. Do you think it would be appropriate? The position is at a publishing company.
Former MidLevel
Totally appropriate.
a passion for fashion
yes. this was my go-to look back in law school. I still love it.
L
Absolutely.
Anon-o
Thank you all so much! I prefer it to the just dress/skirt look, but wanted to make sure. Thanks again!
Kanye East
Totally
Suited Up
I love dress/jacket combos..saves the hassle of trying to find shirts! I’m insanely picky about what I wear under my suit jackets.
Shaw
Its a perfect interview look for a publishing company.
Another S
Recently I attended lecture by the (female) CEO of a company that is headquartered in my town. Hearing her tell her story really underscored several things for me, including: 1) I’ve let myself stagnate in my professional and philanthropic life and 2) I work for d-bags who will always be d-bags. My dream would be for this woman to take me under her wing and magically present me with opportunities that would be mine as long as I kept working hard. (In the Q&A portion of the lecture half of me really wanted to raise my hand and ask if she was hiring but instead I waited until it was over and then looked online and learned that no, her company isn’t hiring anyone with my skills.) I know this dream is a cop-out and I’m definitely motivated to take a more proactive approach toward improving things in my life myself (she was really that inspiring!). I want to write the CEO a note thanking her for her time and for sharing her inspiring story. Should I mention in the note what I do professionally and/or how I’d love to work for her, or is that too predictable? If I mention any of this, how do I word it? I write thank you notes all the time but I’m the type who normally keeps my awe to myself so I’m really struggling with this! TIA!
PM
I think a note saying how much you enjoyed the speech and how it inspired you is the best first step. Then, a LinkedIn request, if you think she does that. And then I think you try to get coffee or a phone call with her. But I tend to network at a glacial pace for fear of coming on too strong.
Kate
I wouldn’t hint at anything job related. I would send her an email telling her how inspiring she was to you, etc. and tell her that you’d be grateful for the opportunity to take her to coffee and ask her more questions. Again, don’t say anything about a job just yet. When you meet with her you can mention in the conversation what you do, what skills you have, what skills you want to learn, and ask her what opportunites she thinks you should seek out to do so. You want to make a personal connection and let her know what kind of jobs you are looking for so she can refer you to someone OR if something becomes availble she just might shoot you an email. Also, ask her if there is anyone else she thinks you should talk to.
Please do this!! It sounds like you are so inspired by this woman, you should definitely try to build a relationship. Sending an email like this has gotten me interviews and an opportunity to have coffee with the CMO of a Fortune 50 company. I am young and don’t have anything to offer these people, sometimes people just like to help others when they can.
Eloise Spaghetti
This. And I would not say you would love to work there, because she could mistake your passion for needing a mentor for someone looking for a job. And you are but, if she inspires you, you should ask if she would be a mentor and then see where it goes from there. And I agree with the format being e-mail too. Perfectly fine. Plus she can check e-mail anywhere and a card would likely go to some stack or could possibly be intercepted.
mamabear
“Thank you so much for presenting to our group yesterday. Your personal story inspired me, and made me realize what I’d like to change about my own career.
I’m just going to throw this out there – I’d love to work for your company! Please keep me in mind if you have need for someone with my skill set. I’ve attached my resume.
Regardless, thanks again for the lecture. It was really a pleasure to see a woman in my field succeed in the way you have.”
Eloise Spaghetti
I think you should write everything about the sharing her time/story and that you were inspired for two main reasons you listed above. Go on to list what you do. Then, ask if she has time to meet at her office or for coffee to be a professional mentor. Although women like this are extremely busy, I have heard many of them comment (at lectures actually) that they will find time (even if it is 20 minutes two months from now) to mentor young women but are rarely asked because the women think they are too busy.
Don’t stress about structure of what you write. Give it a good proofread and have someone else proofread it even. She will likely skim it anyway.
If she is passionate about the topic, which she likely is because she wanted to lecture on the matter, she will find the time to meet with you.
Another S
Thank you all! I’m going to sit down tomorrow morning and write her that note!
Eloise Spaghetti
If you don’t hear back, I think it is okay to follow up again in 6 weeks with an e-mail.
Charlotte
TJ: I am calling on you to help me make a decision. I bought this winter coat on sale for ~$250 (link to follow) at Nordstrom, which is now sold out, and I’m trying to decide whether to return it. I like the fit and color, but when I got it, it had a minor flaw in the shoulder area — kind of an interruption in the material. It’s probably not enough for someone else to notice it unless it were pointed out, but I’m wondering if it is something I should pay that much money for something that isn’t perfect. (I called them to see if I could exchange, but my size was sold out and never popped back.) Even if I were inclined to keep it, it would likely be next Fall/Winter before I could wear it again. And this is probably the most money I have spent on one clothing item.
I do like the coat, though. It is a style I like, namely single-breasted and longer than knee-length (I am relatively tall, and I get cold, so this is good.)
What do you guys think? I am really on the fence. TIA!
Charlotte
Here’s a picture of the coat:
http://www.polyvore.com/george_simonton_couture_long_wrap/thing?id=44614635
Oh, and by the way, the coat is sold out, not Nordstrom! : D
Merabella
If you aren’t happy with it, return it. You can always get another coat in the fall, but if you have doubts you are unlikely to wear it and it will be wasted money.
Jules
I think the coat is gorgeous but not so unique you couldn’t find something similar in the fall. However, if you like the color and the way it fits, I wouldn’t let a minor imperfection (and maybe one that is covered by your hair?) get in the way of enjoying it. Life is just a long string of imperfections, minor and otherwise. Remember one of the aphorisms from yesterday’s thread: Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
Charlotte
Thanks for your input, ladies. I will return the coat, I think. I think that I could find something I like next year, too, when this isn’t 100% what I want. I appreciate it!
Equity's Darling
How early is too early to go in-house? I recently posed a question to the lawyerettes re: picking their practice area, since I’m finishing my articles in the summer, and Group A and Group B have both said that they want me.
Well, the plot has thickened, and Big Corporation (where I summered) has asked if I’d like to return to them after I’m called. I would love to return to Big Corp, I loved the people, the work was great and challenging, and the lifestyle is great (I’d be busy, but not super overwhelmed most of the time)- the money is more than my firm now, though I know that in about…3-4 years or so, the firm money would outpace the corporation. BigCorp has more lawyers than my firm does (by about 10-15 people), and the work is…basically exactly what I want to do, with lots of room for growth, because BigCorp is a very large corporation.
My only worry is that going in-house so early will limit my career, and that should I ever want to go back to private practice, I won’t be able to, or even if I wanted to change corporations and stay in-house, I would be limited because I have so little private practice experience.
Soo, comments on going in-house too early?
working in-house
I’m in the U.S. and interested in this question. How limiting is it to start at Awesome Big Corp. and never work at a firm (big law is an option)?
Nonny
ED – My view, having worked in two of the Seven Sisters and knowing the Western Canada legal job market pretty well – unless you know *now* that you want to be in-house *for the rest of your life* and have a long-term goal of moving over onto the business side rather than the legal side, I would recommend that you stick it out in a firm for at least a couple of years. The next two or three years are so, so important for your development as a lawyer that I really think it would be premature to move in-house so early.
Anon
Not to be a downer but 3-4 years you may not still be at the firm.
Does Big Corporation offer stock options or anything else that would be more valuable in 3-4 yrs?
anon
I have to coordinate with some military people in my job, and I don’t know what to call them in emails. The gentleman I work with the most signs his email with just the first initial of a nickname (think B for Bob instead of Robert). It seems weird to call him by his title and last name when I reply, but I also am not 100% sure he goes by Bob. I know I’m over thinking this, but what would you call him?
Anon
Sir
SpaceMountain
I’d stick with the full name (Robert) unless he tells you to use his nickname. It’s also not strange to use the rank if he’s in the military — that’s what they go by, so if you’re not really on a first-name basis, Captain Smith is just fine.
Anastasia
Former military girl here: As a civilian you’re not expected to know this and would be given a pass, but “sir” rubs some non-commissioned officers the wrong way; if he isn’t a commissioned officer, I would steer clear of that one. It’s always safe to address military personnel by their full rank (or their rank’s abbreviation, but different services abbreviate different ways, so that can get tricky): Captain, Master Sergeant, Chief, whatever. You don’t need to include the last name, although that would be more formal.
eek
Sir or Capt Smith or Gunny or whatever. Presume you’re aware that each service mostly has different abbreviations, if you choose to abbreviate rank. I never got used to calling people by their call sign in emails, so I didn’t; it seemed weird to me to call someone Meat/Nut-Z/etc. It always depended on the person/rank as it compared to my civilian experience/position. Obviously a general is always addressed as General.
MOR
I would use Sergeant Doe (or whatever) unless/until he says, “please call me X.” Maybe a bit formal, but it won’t be inappropriate.
Maple League Admin formerly Anon Canadian
I’m a firm believer of asking people how they prefer to be addressed.
Pest
I bought this top in both the navy print and ivory. I returned them. The fit wasn’t quite right for me and they were too low cut for me to wear to work without a cami underneath. the ivory is very see through.
latina
First Boden outlet store to open in US tomorrow! In PA – 2 hours West of NYC. I’ll be there!!
Francie Nolan
Happy Friday Ladies,
I have two questions:
I have fine hair that is neither straight nor wavy It kind of looks like beach waves except frizzy and messy. I hate straitening it because I end up with pin straight Morticia Addams hair, how I play up the waves without a perm or curlers, looked like a poodle in the 80s thanks to my mom and a perm.
I am looking for non–church lady loafers, anyone have any they love?
TCFKAG
I’m not an expert on this — but maybe talk to your hairdresser about an anti-frizz treatment that would tone down the frizz and allow the curl to stand out?
I don’t own them, but Cole Haan has some very cute, modern looking loafers this season.
Esquared
Woops posted not in the right spot:
I have a naturally frizzy mess too. There are new straightening methods that don’t leave your hair pin straight, I’ve been doing the Brazillian Blowouts w/ some success, but I do miss my curls sometimes.
1. What city are you in? You need a great hairdresser.
2. This book: http://www.amazon.com/Curly-Girl-Lorraine-Massey/dp/0761123008
3. When my hair is natural, I only comb it in the shower, then when I get out, I use a special hair turban, put product in when my hair is went, twist the curls so that they have shape & then when everything is dry, if the top, sides are way frizzy, I use a 3/4″ revlon curling iron to give those parts definition. It takes a bit of time, but it does look fab when I do it.
eastbaybanker
I like the Tory Burch penny loafers because they have a little heel. They’re marked down to $175 right now in the Tory Burch private sale. I don’t wear loafers because I’m too darn girly. But if I did, these would be my pick.
Francie Nolan
I like those EastBay off to Nordies I go!
CKB
I’d check out either the book Curly Girl (which I haven’t actually read) or the message boards on naturallycurly dot com (which I’ve read extensively). It could be that your hair is curlier than you think it is, but the products you’re using are masking your curl. Going sulphate and dimethcone free has really changed my curls.
Francie Nolan
I will check them both out, Thank You CKB
Francie Nolan
Thanks! TCFKAG you really do need a virtual stylist booth here on Corporette :)
Esquared
I have a naturally frizzy mess too. There are new straightening methods that don’t leave your hair pin straight, I’ve been doing the Brazillian Blowouts w/ some success, but I do miss my curls sometimes.
1. What city are you in? You need a great hairdresser.
2. This book: http://www.amazon.com/Curly-Girl-Lorraine-Massey/dp/0761123008
3. When my hair is natural, I only comb it in the shower, then when I get out, I use a special hair turban, put product in when my hair is went, twist the curls so that they have shape & then when everything is dry, if the top, sides are way frizzy, I use a 3/4″ revlon curling iron to give those parts definition. It takes a bit of time, but it does look fab when I do it.
Francie Nolan
Thanks for the information.
I am in NYC, I think a haircut by someone that can tame my frizz head is the key!
Esquared
The woman who wrote curly girl has a salon in NYC- http://www.yelp.com/biz/devachan-salon-new-york
Worth a shot?
Another friend of mine swears that going to a PR or DR hairdresser in the city is better because they see all sorts of hair textures & have more experience.
he Melitta
I LOVE prints like this. Nice choice.