This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’m seeing a lot of slouchy blazers out in the wild, both for office and casual looks. This version from Nordstrom house brand Open Edit has a slightly longer length, perfect for pairing with slim-fitting pants for work or high-waisted denim for the weekend.
The black and white colors are obvious classics, but I also like the “pink peony” or “green agave” for a spring-y look.
The blazer is $75 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XXS–XL and 1X–3X.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Shelle
In my fantasies I breeze around the city (probably Paris) in blazers like this. Meet friends at a cafe, check out a small rock show in the evening. In real life I’d probably feel like I was borrowing my mom’s clothes. Does anyone have tips to make this work for casual wear?
Anonymous
#1 tip: be tall.
Cat
#2 and look like Kaia Gerber
Shelle
Ha! these are the hard truths :)
Anon
Haha this is like redd1t’s favorite
Rule #1: be rich
Rule #2: don’t be poor
Ellen
You can look good in a blazer like this even if you don’t look like Emily in Paris. Did anyone know that the person who plays Emily in Emily in Paris is actually Phil Collins’s daughter? And I read she just got married, so you may see her filling out a bit now that she is getting regular male attention! YAY!
Ribena
I’d wear this with dark skinny jeans, good sneakers, and a swishy blouse of some sort. Essentially as a substitute for a leather or denim jacket.
Shelle
Thank you!
Ribena
I have a dark grey tweed blazer that I used to wear for techie conferences in exactly that sort of way! (It’s currently a little bit too small or I would be wearing it that way to the office now)
Shelle
That sounds lovely! I’ve always had a soft spot for menswear. And tweeds… time to go shopping!
No Face
I have worn this precise outfit before. The work version is with slim pants and loafers.
I have a blazer this shape and it is surprisingly versatile.
Anne-on
I have a leather jacket for this use that isn’t comically oversized on my frame, so thanks for the permission to safely ignore this trend ;)
PLB
Is switch your top with a good white tee! *chef’s kiss*
Anonymous
Striped or graphic tee instead of neutral will make it less mom and more casual.
Pep
I am reminded of the oversized blazers I wore in college in the mid-80s. I guess that means I need to skip the trend this time around? ;-)
Anonymous
No, of course not! If you like a look, find a way to wear it that works for you now. I wore midi skirts and dresses the “first time” around in the 80s/90s, and there’s no way I’m bypassing them now, because they’re super flattering on me and are one of my favorite things to wear. But I’m NOT wearing them like a 20something or teenager would.
Anon
That’s funny. I’m currently turning my nose up at the VSCO girl look that I see the younger kids in. That was a look we all relished in the 90’s as tweens and something that I am taking a hard pass on now!
Of Counsel
I operate on the assumption that it is OK to repeat silhouettes (which tend to last a few years), just not trends. Otherwise, I am not sure what I would wear into my 50’s!
SSJD
This makes me want to watch Pretty Woman!
Anon
And Working Girl.
Anonymous
I always want to watch Working Girl.
AIMS
I just rewatched WG for the 738th time. Harrison Ford in that movie is just.so.dreamy!
Smol Law: Derby Alert!
Finally I get to ask for fashion advice on this fashion blog!
I’m going to the Epsom/Cazoo Derby in London (May) and the dress code for women in the box is “a celebration of traditional tailoring… a formal day dress or a tailored trouser suit”
huh? But okay, YAY, time for me to shine in a Fascinator. I hate shopping, pls help with ideas, will take all under advisement. I’m tall and thin-ish, budget less than $800?
but I don’t want to be the lame American. “Florals? For Spring? Groundbreaking?”
Anokha
Assuming it fits your body type, I would look at Reiss.
Ribena
I’d look at Elizabeth Holmes (not the Theranos one!) on IG and the outfits Kate Middleton wears that she shares pictures of.
Cat
Oof I can’t stand the way she calls Kate “mom” all the time. She also joking not joking wished Charles would die early so Kate would be a young queen…..
There are royal accounts out there that have way better fashion coverage! Kate’s Rangers is one of my faves.
More Sleep Would Be Nice
I love EHolmes, but I agree there are other resources if you’re zoning in on Kate – What Kate Wore is also great. Also as a short waisted/no torso person (per the post on MM last week!), I can rarely pull off some of Kate’s more formal looks, so just a note there.
PolyD
There’s an Instagram account called Duchess on a Budget that recreates her looks with less costly items.
Anon
Fun!! I know nothing about the derby, but based on googling pictures maybe something from Self-Portrait? I like this one: https://www.self-portrait.com/products/lilac-guipure-lace-midi-dress
pugsnbourbon
Uh that dress is STUNNING. Sweet but with an edge. I love it.
Nylongirl
For fascinators, check out Etsy shop pippa and pearl. Hat hive also looks great.
Senior Attorney
Oof! Agree that is an amazing dress!!
Too bad it would be floor-length on me…
Anonymous
L K Bennett has an Ascot collection each year.
Anonymous
+LK Bennett or Hobbs
Is it Friday yet?
The Fold has some stunning silk dresses that would be perfect, though at the higher end of the budget!
Smol Law: Derby Alert!
oh no… I’m obsessed with all of these.
Thank you all for these suggestions!
Anonymous
Seriously – I love The Fold, but for the kind of styles you want, they are overpriced and with a very limited color palette. Anything Ascot or Race day you might want to get from the Fold, you’ll get better variation and value from LK Bennet or Hobbs. Instagram ads is not equal to Kate Middleton wears, in terms of Derby…
Panda Bear
Hobbs has great dresses for this look.
Anonymous
There’s a surprising amount of lkbennett, chiara petite robe, and mouret at rent the runway right now…
Anonymous
Frivolous question of the day: I finally found a dress I’ve been coveting. It’s the same price on both Poshmark and eBay (same seller). Does it matter on which platform I buy? Shipping is slightly less on Poshmark. I’ve already made what I think is a fair offer on Posh and it was ignored (which is fine; that’s how Posh works).
Anokha
I would buy it on Poshmark, because in case there are issues, Poshmark can adjudicate the issue and issue refunds easily. (I bought an item of Poshmark described as being in excellent condition. When it arrived, there were multiple holes. I took pictures over the app, sent it to customer support, and got a refund.)
Anon
I find if I hang with it, the seller will usually make me an offer on Poshmark that brings the item in for less than the same seller on eBay. Maybe the Poshmark fees are lower, but I don’t really know this.
Anon
I sell on poshmark and if my item is already super cheap, I get annoyed when people still try to undercut. I also am barely active on there and it’s easy to miss an offer. My advice would be try again and don’t aim for more than 10% off if it’s already a big markdown (no idea, I also don’t get people who try to sell at the retail level, it’s essentially final sale and from a random person, so it should be steeply discounted to begin with).
Anon
I do think poshmark buyers are spoiled by sellers who price their items a bit high and then offer discounts just to trigger the poshmark shipping discount.
Anon
Clearly I am not a sophisticated enough seller!
OP
I’m the OP and I agree with everything you said. The seller discounted this item 10% and I asked for another 10% discount, which I don’t think is unreasonable. But also no hard feelings. People are funny about Poshmark.
Curious
I prefer eBay to try things out because returns are way better. If you know it fits, Posh is great for the reasons above.
Woof
I would check the returns policy on ebay. I have found mailing things back to the seller easier than dealing with Poshmark. On ebay, if an item doesn’t fit, you can return it. On Poshmark, there has to be a reason such as the condition or misrepresentation. I now prefer Ebay.
Anonnymouse
Agree – quite a few eBay sellers allow returns, which I think would be worth it in this scenario. Poshmark doesn’t do returns.
test run
Has anyone who really likes working from home gone back into the office and found it’s not so bad? I have the opportunity for a promotion at work, but it requires going from fully remote to entirely in the office. There’s no business reason for the new position to be in person, it’s just manager preference. I understand starting a new job in person instead of remotely in order to better build relationships with new team members, but pretty much everyone else will still be hybrid/remote and I really don’t want to sit in an empty office on zoom calls all day. I offered to start the new role in person with the idea of moving to hybrid after 6 months or so, but the new manager is not budging. What’s the balance between more money/interesting new work and the dread of commuting each day?
Anon1
How long and by what method is your commute? I think, for me, that’s a big factor. Is the office somewhere fun (downtown so near good places for happy hour or dinner after work? Good shopping?)
How long is the rest of the company remote/what does return to office hybrid look like? For example- next month my office is mandating we go back 3x/week, but doesn’t mandate which days so there’s guaranteed to be folks in 5 days a week.
Are there any perks you get from being in an office: lunch provided? Work gym?
test run
Unfortunately, I live downtown and the commute is 30-45 minutes outside of town in stop and go traffic (and we don’t have any interest in moving closer for a variety of reasons include my husband’s commute the opposite direction). Our company already did return to office, so the current remote/hybrid assignments are likely permanent unless I change them (which I’m unlikely to do, because I also like being remote/hybrid! and I wouldn’t want to bring other staff back just to give myself company). No perks in the office. Really the upside for the job is the ability to lead a larger team and bigger projects (and the higher salary, which is about 20% more than I make now). Money is not everything but it’s a big enough increase that it feels kind of silly to turn down just because of being in the office.
Anon
I don’t think it’s silly to turn it down. That sounds like it will negatively impact your quality of life. People take 20% paycuts for better quality of life all the time; I don’t see why this is any different.
Anon
I loved WFH and have now gone back but only on a hybrid basis, which the rest of my company is on too. It’s been a lot better than I expected. Still a lot of zoom from my office, but good team time intermittently when we overlap during the week or just small social moments as well even with people I don’t know in the office. Much better for my mental health, which I wasn’t expecting. It turns out that as much as this introvert loves WFH it was also creating a bit of an anxiety echo chamber which I didn’t realize at the time. In the office, I make a decision or acknowledge a situation and move on, whereas at home I was overthinking, spinning on it, nervously debating options in my head more. It’s also undoubtedly much much better for my team morale and the work is getting done to significantly higher quality – but those probably won’t apply for you if your team is remote. My commute is a 15-20 minute walk which also makes a difference if you’re sitting in 45 minutes of traffic.
test run
This is a really helpful perspective, thank you! Alas, my commute is the 45 minutes in traffic – I’m jealous of your walk!
Anonymous
I’m an extrovert, so caveat emptor, but I find I roll with the punches so much better in the office. Someone screwed up, c’est la vie. It doesn’t feel like the end of the world the way it can at home. And that’s with an almost entirely empty office! My brain just understands that not everything is a 10 out of 10 in a way it doesn’t at home.
Anon
This is really interesting, because for me it is the opposite: things feel so much less 10/10 now that I WFH. When I’m able to go outside in my back yard and pet my dogs for a few minutes after a tense meeting, stuff that would really have annoyed me if I were in an office just rolls off my back. It’s interesting how “the office” impacts our perspective and functioning in different ways; probably good justification for maintaining hybrid offices or schedules since neither full-time WFH or full-time in-office works for everyone.
Anonymous
I guess if I’m being honest with myself it would depend on how much of a raise I was getting. I hate commuting, but also this seems like such an arbitrary requirement if your team is remote. I would have to very seriously consider whether I wanted to work for someone who makes these kinds of demands right out of the gate.
Anon_05
I agree. The manager being insistent about you being in the office is what gives me pause. Why is the manager want you in the office full time while everyone else is hybrid/remote?
test run
(Apologies if this comment ends up being a duplicate, the site frozen when I hit submit last time).
This is what gives me pause, too. I understand that I haven’t earned the trust of this new manager yet, but I am an internal employee (who did great work remotely over the past two years, hence being considered for the promotion!) so you’d think that would give me some credibility.
Anon
Right. I’d be fine going back to the office but would have real hesitation about a manager who would make this kind of demand with no flexibility. Being unwilling to consider a hybrid work arrangement after 6 months of in-person is a huge red flag, that to me indicates this would be a really unpleasant person to work for.
Coach Laura
Yes, that’s my take too. If the whole team is remote and the new manager won’t consider remote at some point in the future, I would consider that a hard no because the manager’s personality would be one of control. Most of the bosses I’ve had that were picky on that with no actual real need were jerks in many other ways. And that’s not even considering a 45+ minute commute. Unless it’s as Curious notes below, that this position would be a springboard or a major upward trajectory shift for you that you could capitalize on. But just realize that a bad boss might not be worth it.
anon
I’m doing a hybrid schedule and have found that I like being in the office more than I expected. This is going to sound so cheesy and obnoxious, but something about dressing up and having a place to go makes me feel more powerful and in control of my life. It’s nice to be around people again, not just in a virtual world.
But, in the year of 2022, I realize that in-office all the time is different than being there part of the time. What are the tradeoffs? Are the rest of the perks of the job worth it?
test run
I’m wondering if I’ll feel this way, too. I *love* working from home, but I’m wondering if going into the office wouldn’t be nice for a change of scenery, at least for while. I’m worried that after six months or so, though, I’ll be like “okay this was fun I’m ready to be back in my home office.”
Curious
Maybe think about it as something you need to stick out for 18 months and then you can leverage the new title and salary for a change if need be?
test run
That’s what I’m thinking. I also talked to someone else in the company who knows this manager better than I do and they thought that after a period of getting to know me, that they would relax the in-office requirement fairly quickly. Obviously not a guarantee and I don’t want to go into assuming that will happen, but I think it could stick it out for a while and if they really insist on it, leverage the higher title for something else.
Anon
Often your responses to comments tell you more than the comments themselves. It sounds from your follow up comments like you really want to do this, so go for it.
Curious
+1 to Anon at 12:32.
test run
To anon @ 12:32 and curious, it’s funny how that happens! I actually think I’m trying to be more positive about it in my follow up comments because I felt like the way I worded the initial comment made it seem like “why would you even consider this?” and I did want to balance it out a bit. I’m not sure that I *really* want to do this, but it’s sort of like… it’d be nice if I could make it work considering the added salary, etc. A big thank you to everyone who replied. Whether you’re saying “absolutely not” or “it’s not that bad” it’s all really helpful.
Curious
Okay, then given your response: consider that it’s not this or nothing. Changing companies could easily net you a larger raise. Or chat with your current manager and see if you can make something happen. Too often we only see what’s in front of us and miss the ideal third choice!
Anonymous
My commute is a 5 minute walk, but I love going into my empty office building. There are no distractions, pets, chores, or DH. I’m sure I’d feel differently if I had a dedicated home office.
Anon
This is me.
AnonZ
I have ideal WHF accommodations and loved WFH, but now that I’m back I love that even more. My mental health was in a bad place and I didn’t realize it until I put the distance between home and work. I’m also someone who lives 12 miles outside of a major east coast city but can take 45 mins to drive one-way. Honestly, though, the commute allows me to reset before I walk in the door to my DH, 3 year old and dog, something I was evidently really missing/needing.
Separately, I just got a big promotion/job change that started with a casual conversation at the coffee machine. That would not have happened had I not been in the office. At least in my world, big finance/real estate, people who WFH will miss out on opportunities in a big way. I’d say 80% of us are in 4+ days/week.
Anon
Interestingly I’m downtown SF and have noticed that it’s almost all men who are back in the office. Walking around the still pretty empty streets, it’s about 3 women to every 10 men. I hate to say it, but I think not going in is going to harm people who don’t in time and I’m worried about an imbalance.
Anon
Women were outnumbered in the workforce before and have disproportionately left during Covid. What you observed probably isn’t actually far off from the ratio of women to men in the workforce now.
AnonZ
Yea, I really think this is going to set back women in my very male dominated world as women are among the majority of those who come in < 2 days per week.
MND
I returned 3 days a week due to “company values” (my job involves working with lots of people across the US, very few of whom sit in my office) and have been in person except for ~1 month during the holidays/worst of Omicron.
The actual act of going into the office a few days a week isn’t so bad. My commute is kind of middle-ish – driving for ~30 min each way. I found the logistics of getting to the office much easier than I’d expected after full WFH for 18 mos. But… my tolerance for coming into the office for pointless reasons is very low. I’m currently looking, primarily for full WFH but open to hybrid if it makes sense (not just bc managemetn likes b.u.t.t.s. in seats). I turned down a job offer that was more money that required 4 days per week in office for the same B S company values rationale.
TLDR: Going in isn’t that hard, going in for dumb reasons is… seeing your explanation makes me think you would bristle under full in-office so it may not be the right fit.
test run
Thank you! I completely agree about doing it for dumb reasons being much worse than actually going in.
Anon
A promotion requiring me to go to the office would have to be at least a 75% raise and a commute of less than 20 minutes.
Further, I would be incredibly wary of starting a new role for a manager who immediately shows themselves to be nonsensical, unreasonable, and quick to throw their power around. Sitting alone in an office managing remote direct reports is ludicrious.
In your place, I’d consider taking the role just to get that title on my resume, and then look elsewhere after 3-6 months. but I would not seriously consider accepting that situation for the long term.
Anon
“Further, I would be incredibly wary of starting a new role for a manager who immediately shows themselves to be nonsensical, unreasonable, and quick to throw their power around. Sitting alone in an office managing remote direct reports is ludicrious.”
This. Maybe I’m biased because the worst person in my organization is also the person who’s demanding all his reports to go back to b*tt in seat five days a week, nine hours a day. But regardless of how you feel about working in an office, I think this is a real red flag about this person’s management style. You noted you wouldn’t make your own staff come back just to keep you company, so I think it’s worth asking yourself why this manager is insisting on it and do you really want to work for a person this micromanagey?
Anonymous
Don’t go to work for a micromanaging disrespectful petty manager
Anon
I’m back in, very senior so a lot of pressure to go most of the time. I like some of it, but I think the best balance is more time in than out but still some time out. It’s a lot easier to get things done when other people are there and nice to have a bright line between work and home. It’s also nice to grab drinks or dinner after work again, and to meet friends for lunch. My clothes are also fitting better – I think I naturally move around a lot more in the office (downtown major city so way more walking). I’d personally be reluctant to take an all in role (although if you’re senior, that seems to be more common but doesn’t sound like it) and the bigger flag to me in OP’s post is that the manager seems out of step with the times. While I’m going in often, I don’t ask my team to do that – they’re one or two days in at the most. I’d wonder about the overall flexibility and mindset of someone that rigid.
Anonymous
I would take the promotion and don’t worry about the long term commute because the likelihood you will have the same manager for more than a couple of years is small.
Anon
Think carefully about whether you want to work for a “my way or the highway”manager.
anon
This. I’ve had this type of manager before and it was a nightmare in so many ways, like insisiting I take PTO when working from home for a visit from cable/plumber/etc., calling me repeatedly as a low-level staffer during a family funeral I was out of town for, badmouthing me for taking a sick day (I should have just sucked it up and came in and worked through it), etc.
I would see this as a HUGE red flag and start looking elsewhere if you know you have the skills to be promoted, or just stay put and look for other internal roles with different management.
Anon
“Why do I have to work in the office when no one else is here?”
“Because I said so” – your new manager.
Do not kid yourself that this is the only issue he’s going to be this way about.
Seventh Sister
I have a longish commute. To my surprise, getting a slightly nicer car and a premium music service made my commute much more pleasant. I went from a very very old, end of its working life lower-end sedan to a crossover on the lower end of “luxury” car. I feel a bit conflicted – it’s hardly the most frugal or climate-friendly decision I’ve ever made, but I also live in a small house on a small lot with no HVAC, recycle, blah blah blah.
Anonymous
There is no way I would take this promotion.
Anon
who bombs a maternity hospital and how does everyone else sit by and watch. my grandparents are Holocaust survivors and while the motivation and end goal here is different, it’s horrible. i feel so helpless.
Anonymous
As a former USAID employee now working in a similar-ish field (so basically seeing horrible things happen and trying to make the fallout less horrible for the bystanders has been my whole career), pretty much all I do is talk with current and former coworkers about how horrified we are about what’s going on and how little is being done to stop it.
Obviously, no one wants WW3 but what is happening is beyond the pale and it is infuriating me that it feels like we (the West in general) are doing nothing. I’ve tapped out what I’m able to donate (several hundred dollars this month) donating to major international NGOs and smaller Ukrainian ones. I”m reading literally all I can about what is happening. I”m talking about it with friends and family to spread awareness and to give context and explain as best I can. Now, I”m trying to join the military reserves. I don’t know what else to do.
Anonymous
The US House agreed last night to send $14 billion in humanitarian and military aid to Ukraine. Assuming the Senate also approves this, this is hardly “doing nothing.” It is our tax dollars that are being sent directly to Ukraine to help, and is in addition to what we already do and have done. Although part of me thinks we should just bomb Russia back to the Stone Age, we all know that this is not the answer.
The best tactic is to try a variety of measures that doesn’t throw half the world into war, which certainly doesn’t help Ukraine either.
War
+1
And I think the best would be if we could figure out how to assassinate Putin….
NYC
I also feel helpless – and full of rage at Russia’s actions. And the news that the destruction in Ukraine will make it harder to feed Afghans compounds it. I think NATO could be doing more too. It’s hard to believe Russia isn’t already viewing the west as co-combatants due to weapons supplying. Is providing airplanes that much of a bigger step if Ukrainian pilots fly them out of Poland, for example?
No Face
So horrible. The pandemic taught me that sometimes there are only bad choices. Starting WWIII is a bad choice and letting Russia continue its conduct is also a bad choice. I’m no geopolitical expert, but I don’t see any resolution without massive violence and bloodshed ahead.
Curious
+1. This is not going to end quickly.
Anonymous
I lean towards agreeing with you, No Face. This is not going to end easily or quickly, regardless of what happens. If that’s the case, and if war crimes are being committed, why isn’t NATO stepping up and doing something about it?
Anon
In some ways the response has been reminding me of the response to Jan 6 in some ways, like we can make a situation better by just not escalating it (as if the other side is going to see reason and stop what they’re doing). So many really smart and reasonable people seem to be projecting their own values and rational decision-making calculus onto people who aren’t reciprocating in kind! It makes me wonder how many cruel and truly unreasonable people they’ve had to deal with in life? I do realize the situation is more complicated w/nuclear powers, but I’m uneasy at how readily people seem to be buying the idea that really, this is NATO’s fault; it almost feels like it’s echoing the things people say when they don’t want to face the fact that a relationship is abusive and it’s not going to get better on its own.
If Putin believes that Ukrainians should not exist, and if he’s okay with making Russia great again on a 16th century model of greatness, I don’t really know why economic sanctions would stop him? I do understand that the goal is to put pressure on the oligarchs, but aren’t they also in a better position to withstand economic pressure than anyone else in Russia?
I wanted to think that the people in charge knew what they were doing, but we just lived through a few years of “admitting that COVID19 is airborne might scare people, and fear is such a negative emotion.” I’m worried that we have leadership that waits for things to get really, really bad before responding.
Anon
Sorry for all the bad editing. It is a lot of grief and rage.
Thank you to everyone who cares about what’s happening.
Anon B
The VP of the US is currently in Poland to deal with this war, working directly with NATO and (rumor has it) figuring out how to get more air support into Ukraine. It’s hardly the case that nothing is happening. All of Europe is sh*tting bricks and buying up iodide out of fear of a meltdown at one of the nuclear power plants Russia is targeting in Ukraine, nevermind the concerns about the nuclear weapons. Most NATO governments actually seem to be doing their utmost to actively support Ukraine in a way that would be hard(er) for Putin to construe an act of war (and the most effective military support on that front would certainly involve secrecy at this time). Personally, we donated money directly to the Ukrainian central bank. This is a time when any support for ammunition (in addition to humanitarian aid) is incredibly valuable.
It seems to me that the real way economic sanctions can actually impact Putin’s decision-making behind this war is to turn popular opinion in against him.
Anon
Re secrecy, maybe I shouldn’t be reading so much about what we’re up to on the Daily Mail of all places.
Also, if Putin has such a lose relationship with the truth, can he not save face any time he wants by just declaring victory and sending his troops home and taking maybe whatever regions were breakaways after 2014? I get that he wants anything touching the Black Sea, but when you control the media and lie all the time anyway, why bother with saving face? Just lie, say you won, and stop killing your own people with your stupid thing that no one there is allowed to call a war anyway?
Anon
I have family members in Russia and I’ve accepted that I won’t see them for years and we do not openly discuss the war in electronic communications because they could be monitored or stored for later review. We all remember Stalin. This is all absolutely awful, and I’m basically upset about it all day every day.
Curious
Yep.
Anon
And that’s a good example (sadly). We don’t do X b/c we don’t want to make Putin mad, like he behaves rationally in the first place. We knew what he was in 2014.
Curious
We knew when he invaded Georgia in 2008.
anon
I’d like to get my light brown hair highlighted/colored for the first time to brighten it up a bit. I got a good recommendation for a colorist from a friend, but her color is different from mine, so the specifics don’t match up. Any advice for what to tell the salon when I make the appointment? Thanks!
Elle
Find a photo on the internet of exactly what you’re looking for and share that with your stylist/colorist. It’s much easier to be on the same page from a photo than it is with words!
anon
Yup, pictures are key. I’ve been with my stylist for 10+ years and I still bring a picture when I want a big change.
Cat
Yes, pictures are critical.
Be prepared for it to get addicting. I have similar natural hair color and started with every-4-months “just brighten it up” partial highlights and now feel very drab if I go longer than 2.5 months without a full set…
Anonymous
Can you book a consultation with the stylist first to discuss what type of color will achieve your goals? Otherwise I’d tell the receptionist what you are looking for and they will make their best guess as to the amount of time needed. Do you have an idea of where you want it lightened–traditional highlights, balayage, etc.? If you want to start small you could do a partial highlight.
Anon
Also, be prepared for the cost. When I first did highlights, I had no real idea of how much it would cost. It was just naivety on my part, because for sure the stylist spent lots of time and deserved to be compensated. Good news with highlighting is that you don’t need to do it very often.
Anon
Recommend you try bayalage if youre dabbing your toes into highlighting. It looks sunkissed and natural and not “I went and asked for chunky highlights.” Speak with your colorist about how much you want to spend/how often you want to recolor given your budget and lifestyle.
Having different coloring than your friend is no issue–you want to have a conversation with the stylist beforehand about whether you want warm/cool, natural looking or more chunky, whether roots will really bother you.
A good colorist will know how to walk you through all of this! Have fun, and remember that you can dye it back easily as long as you stay within a range near your natural color.
Anon
Pre-pandemic my work “uniform” was an untucked blouse (usually from Loft), skinny ankle pants (usually from BR), ballet flats, pearl stud earrings, and a minimalist necklace. So I was never very fashionable (haha) but this now feels dated and too young for me. I’d like to be able to keep wearing my collection of blouses, but what do I pair them with for a more current look? I’m mid-30s, short, and slight pear. My office is business casual, I tend towards the formal end of that.
Shelle
I’ve found the simplest update that made a difference has been switching away from skinnies to straight leg. For an office appropriate look the silhouette could be something less dramatic like slim or cigarette? You might be able to keep the blouses and shoes you still like.
FP
What about shell and knit blazer instead of an untucked blouse, and block heels instead of ballet flats?
DeepSouth
Switch your ballet flats for mules. I have upgraded to the Gucci backless loafer (Princetown) and love it as my “fancy” casual shoe, but YMMV. Also look at fancy sneakers — if you aren’t ready for real sneakers as daytime shoes, look at Johnson and Murphy or Cole Haan for grown up classic versions. Ugg and PS448 have some options that aren’t golden goose, but still really modern.
Switch you skinny pants for cropped flares — I have Sam Edelman, Cabi and Mother denim in this shape and some black pants from Spanx and it really suits my not tall, pear shape.
No Face
My style is very similar to yours on my pants days, except I wear loafers, bolder earrings and necklaces, and straight leg pants instead of skinnies. I also frequently wear open blazers because I am always cold.
I don’t consider myself fashionable so YMMV.
anon
Definitely ditch the ballet flats and go with loafers or a block heel. Straight-leg pants or a cropped flare would be cute. I also feel more pulled together when I tuck in my blouse and/or add a jacket.
Anonymous
This. Straight-leg or crop flare pants, front-tucked blouse, loafers or block heels.
Cat
If you’re not ready to buy a bunch of new pants, I see slim ankle pants around still, just with loafers or block heels rather than daintier shoes. Ditch the ballet flats or stilettos, front-tuck the blouse, add some bolder jewelry, and you won’t look omghopelessly dated.
Anne-on
I’d swap out the shoes for loafers, block heels, or sneakers (if that’s appropriate for your office). If you’re cool with going more ‘classic’ than trendy you can also wear a pointed toe flat in leather. I also like adding a ‘third piece’ – blazer, sweater, scarf, etc. over the blouse, it’s not necessarily more trendy, but I think having a topper makes me look more pulled together.
Coach Laura
I agree with the switch to loafers but also oxfords.
AIMS
I wear mine (today included) with dark straight leg/slight bootleg jeans or straight pants, tucked in and loafers or sneakers. Sometimes I add a blazer. Esp. with jeans. I am still not seeing a level of pre-pandemic formality at work and we are on the formal end of things.
Telco Lady JD
Gray hair help…
I am almost 39, and my (very) dark brown hair has been going gray since I was 18. (My dad was completely gray by the time he was 25.) I’ve been dyeing it for a looooong time, but I’ve now reached the stage where my stylist is having to lighten my color so that the (very gray) roots don’t look ridiculous on dark brown dyed hair after six weeks.
I hate what the lightening does to my hair – it feels like straw. And with a 16-month old – I just can’t seem to get it cut/colored on my strict every 8-10 week schedule anymore.
So….the question. Do I just grow out the gray and call it? I’m a plus sized person, and I worry that the gray is going to make me look matronly and like my baby’s grandmother. But I’m so tired of the expense and annoyance…and I just don’t feel like it looks that great anyway. I welcome any/all thoughts and/or magical solutions.
Cb
If it is a single colour, I’d just DIY it taking back to brown. You should be able to just keep touching up at the roots. I use the Naturtint hair dye and my hair feels really soft afterwards.
Anon
This is what I do. Gray since age 23, currently mid 40’s. I also have a young kids and frequent salon visits is just not in the cards. I do at-home single color dye every 6 weeks or so. I’m already an ‘old mom’ (had my youngest at 43) so I’m not interested in letting is all go gray quite yet.
Anonnymouse
My mom uses this color brand and really likes (she also covers gray).
Anon
I am only about 10% gray but I color my hair at home, so I can do it at my own convenience. I gave up salon haircolor several years ago and it was surprising to me how much of a relief it was not to have to block out three hours of a precious Saturday every six weeks to get my hair colored. I also very much enjoy not having that expense, which had gotten north of $250 each visit by the time I stopped. I use Feria home color and I have used Schwarzkopf in the past. They both give good results. Home color is much better than it used to be, and it’s a fallacy that you can only get dimensional color or appropriate coverage by going to a salon.
Cornellian
I don’t have brown or gray hair, so take this with a grain of salt, but have you looked in to henna at all? My dark brown/black haired friends, especially my close friend from India, use it, and it seems to be way easier to do and less toxic. Their hair feels super healthy to me and looks great. I’ve played with it once or twice on my sort of auburn hair, and although I didn’t leave it on long enough to affect the color too much, it makes my hair feel healthier.
I do know, though, that it’s hard to switch back to chemical dyes in the future.
Cb
I love henna but my husband banned it after I dyed our entire bathroom :) It can be pretty messy.
AIMS
I have an aunt and a close family friend who have been using Henna for years and they have gorgeous and healthy hair. My aunt is 80 and her hair is amazing (my mom’s isn’t – so not a family thing). I have been thinking of henna for a while but find it a bit intimidating. I should ask them for tips, but if anyone here has, please share too.
Anonymous
I use henna! I’ve got dark brown hair with greys along my temples and side part. I’ve never used other hair dyes. I like the reddish brown highlights henna gives me. And for my hair texture (wavy, fine), it helps with frizz and makes my hair a bit straighter. I’ve also noticed after using henna for years that my hair strands are thicker. My hair really thinned out after I turned 30 and turned fine/frizzy. I watched youtube videos of indian ladies putting henna in their hair to learn how to made a mud pack for my hair without making a mess. When I wash my hair out, I first rise out my hair in my laundry room sink.
Monte
I do henna when I can’t be bothered to go to the salon. I mix it with a conditioner I really like and let it soak it for a good amount of time, which leaves my hair feeling better than it did pre-treatment. Highly recommend!
No longer brassy orange with black blobs
Been there done that. Using henna was fine for the first couple times, but it really dried out my hair, over time was a pain in the ass to get brown enough, not too orange and not too black, and I found that it looked very patchy. I tried finding a salon to fix my own attempts with henna, but that’s just as expensive and time consuming as going to a regular salon. I had to grow it all out and start over. Now do salon visit every 6 months with home dye between. My colorist knows this and told me which products to get from Sally Beauty Supplies. I massively disrecommend henna!
Anonymous
I found my first gray hair at age 12 and have been coloring it to cover grays since age 19. My natural color is dark brown. At age 45, I now have about 95% white. Although I’ve gone lighter and lighter with the color over the years to lessen the contrast between the colored hair and the roots, I’ve never actually had to lighten it. The dark hairs just don’t take the color like the grays, so it ends up with a nice dimensional effect. In your shoes I would be seriously questioning why lightening is necessary. I do have to get a root touch-up every 4 weeks to avoid the telltale white stripe, which is expensive and time-consuming.
I don’t think size has anything to do with how old you will look with gray hair. If anything, you’ll look younger than a smaller person because you’ll have fewer wrinkles and less facial sagging. With gray hair, a well-maintained hairstyle looks much younger than longish hair that isn’t styled. Highlights and lowlights in the grays can also help.
anon
Would you be willing to do a single color at home? That would be easier on you, plus wouldn’t be nearly as damaging as what you’re doing now. To avoid that harsh dark look, you could have a professional do highlights a few times a year. You have all my sympathies. I’m 41 and hate the amount of gray that I have, but I keep going back to dye because I’m not ready to go natural yet, and I think gray would wash out my complexion. I’m already low-contrast and have softer facial features, so it’s a legit concern.
Anon
I went with the gray at about that age. Yeah, it ages me a bit, but I’ve also simultaneously embraced not caring if I look my age or a little older. It saves me so much time and money not to deal with it. I did pay for professional help for the transition, so it was a heavy cost up front. What’s your hair like? I had long, thick hair, and as part of the process I chopped it to about shoulder length and leaned into my wavy curlyish texture. I think the gray (I’m about 50% gray, with it concentrated at the front and top) does wash me out a bit, but the cut balances it out and suits my less feminine, bit edgier style. I wash my hair no more than 3 times a week (very dry climate) and let it air dry, so I take no time at all to style it. On balance, I love the time and cost savings and I think the look suits me.
Anon
My original hair color sounds like yours and I had the same “straw” issue you describe. On top of that, the lighter color was not as flattering as the original darker color. With the pandemic, I last colored in February 2020. My hair has grown in as streaky, glittery silver mixed into dark brown. I love it and would never have predicted it would look this way based on my “root” perceptions when I was coloring.
Anon
Ymmv, but I think prematurely aging yourself is just a misstep. It has career consequences in the actual world we live in, esp if you’re plus sized too (I am as well). I’m in no way saying it’s right, just keeping it real. I’d continue to color and investigate a deep conditioning treatment. See the time at the salon as self care and make it fun. Read trashy mags, get a coffee, etc.
Anon
I’m about 40% gray on dark brown hair and I have my roots done every 3 weeks. I never use heat on my hair, to the point of leaving the salon with a wet head. My hair quality is fine–healthy, shiny, slow to break.
The time it would take to lighten my hair and then cover the grays at an 8-week interval doesn’t sound like it saves much time over what I’m doing. A single process root touch-up takes about 90 minutes in a salon, and even less time using boxed at home.
Woof
I have very dark brown hair, and I finally threw in the towel on coloring. The hardest part is the transition. I chopped off my hair to a chin length bob, and had my hairdresser add “grey” highlights, which helped but does not really work–I do not recommend this. I have now (post covid) stopped cutting my own hair/husband cutting it and pay for a chic haircut–I think that is essential with gray hair, a stylish cut.
However, before I stopped coloring my hair, I did color my hair at home with a box kit–L’Oreal Preference. It worked very well, nice color and not monotone at all. I did this every three week at the end. Doing it at home saves time and money. I liked that I could put the mixture in my hair and then fold laundry or read. It left my hair soft and shiny.
What ever works for you! the transition is the hardest part. The gray color suits my blue eyes and fair coloring mush better than the blondes I was using to hide the skunk stripe down my part.
Good luck!
Anon
Don’t use box dye, it looks so flat and I can identify it immediately when I see it. If you go to gray, though, the growing out process could be difficult, especially if your hair is long. You can’t just easily strip the color that’s already on your hair and I imagine you’re looking at 4 figures to take yourself to gray all at once, with an expert colorist.
Anon
“Don’t use box dye, it looks so flat and I can identify it immediately when I see it.”
If you see flat color and can identify it as a box job, the person is using the wrong color or they’re leaving it on for way too long. I have used box color for years and regularly get asked for the name of my hairstylist; everyone thinks it’s from the salon.
Anon
+1 I’ve been using Madison Reed since the beginning of the pandemic. I looked at all my selfies now and my colored hair has more dimension and shine than it did pre-coloring. As long as you’re not trying to bleach your hair, laying color on top of your hair can actually condition it. It’s the ammonia & hydrogen peroxide (bleaching agents) that fry your hair.
Flats Only
Same here. And I get compliments on my color and the healthy condition of my hair AT THE SALON from my stylist and others. Do not fear box color. Look for a box where the lady in the picture on the front has coloring similar to yours, and you should get good results.
Anon
I would move your hair back to it’s natural brown, and use box dye on the roots in between salon visits. I am also medium brown, and I need to dye my hair every three weeks, or it looks awful. Six weeks is too long once you’re past a certain stage of gray. But you don’t have to go all-gray to solve for this.
I use nice n’ easy at home, and it is easy and my hair looks good (people regularly compliment my hair and say they can’t tell). GL!
Telco Lady JD
Thanks, all! OP here. I just got back from a haircut – I asked my stylist to give me a cut that is a bit more “wash and go,” and skipped the dye job for the time being. My hair feels MUCH better with the straw-like ends gone, and the lightening/highlighting she did at my last visit IS helping the gray grow in a little less like a skunk stripe. I’m going to see how I feel after growing it out a bit more. I figure that I can always dye it at home if I decide the gray isn’t for me.
Anonymous
Awesome! Also keep in mind that fried hair is just as aging as gray.
Anon
This is partially a rant and partially an ask for advice. My husband had a serious injury recently, which has come with lots of pain meds. Neither of us have ever had to take serious pain meds before and we are pretty clueless about it. The extent of the instructions has been “take every 4 hours as needed.” Am I alone in thinking that this is why we have an opioid crisis? There’s no instructions about when we might start trying to cut back or how to do it! I’ve asked his doctor, who just said to try adding more Tylenol but I couldn’t get an actual plan out of him for what that would look like. He’ll be having surgery soon, and I’m hoping we can get a better plan from someone in the hospital about what to do for pain management over the next month or so. All I want is for someone to tell me what combination of meds to give him, what dosing schedule to follow, how to wean down, and what level of pain means that we should make some tweaks up or down. Given the addictive nature of these meds, it seems like this should be standard operating procedure! I might be getting ahead of myself here, it is quite likely that the answer is we need to stay the course for now, but I at least wish someone would tell me when to expect to make some changes. It seems like his surgeon is perhaps not the person to ask here, but who is?
I’ve seen other people go through being caregivers through their spouses through difficult medical experiences, of course, and thought I had some idea of how hard it was, but now that I’m faced with doing it I realize I had no clue. This is so freaking hard.
A + Fed
The thing about pain is … it delays healing, and you need to stay in front of it. You can’t wait until the pill wears off and you are uncomfortable and then take the 2nd pill.
The other thing about pain is … it’s really hard to quantify. What’s a 1 on the pain scale for me may be a 10 for someone else.
His doctor should be providing some guidance, and you may or may not get more from the surgeon. He should probably ask for a referral to a pain management practice if this is going to go on for a while. He can also ask about other mitigations and when/how to use them (anti-inflamatories, PT, ice/heat, topical treatments, etc., depending on what his pain is actually from).
Anon
I hate the relative pain scale. After surgery, a nurse asked my pain rating when I was still very drugged. I said 9, she said no that’s too high and it’s probably a 6, and I yelled “Then why did you ask me? I hate the relative pain scale!”
We’ve had a lot of surgeries in our house recently, some more painful than others, and try to get off painkillers quickly for the addiction risk but also the constipation risk. The easiest way I’ve found is to keep tylenol and ibuprofen in the mix regularly and use narcotics when it’s really bad so you can make progress in healing (e.g. we both tended to use them at night to help us rest, since that’s so important to healing). I’ve also found the nurses are really good on this. When my spouse had a digestive tract surgery that was excruciatingly painful, the nurses pointed out that the only thing that will make it worse is constipation so we should try to get him off narcotics quickly. For my son’s tendon surgery, they urged us to stay on top of his codeine because it would have been harder to reduce pain if we don’t. They were a great source of insight on the big picture, so maybe give the practice’s nurse line a ring?
Anon
The pain scale was added as the fifth vital sign basically via lobbying by the opioid industry. It’s a sales tool. The whole thing is disgusting.
A + Fed
That’s interesting. Pain is so subjective. It fascinates me that some people are able to articulate their pain well. I have a chronic condition and I try really hard to accurately describe symptoms and feelings to my medical team and it’s really difficult.
Anonymous
Yes, this is a big reason we have an opioid crisis. You’re not getting ahead of yourself. Continue trying to encourage him to take the least amount of the harder meds as he can while supplementing with Advil/tylenol. I had to be on Rx pain meds for a couple months straight when I was in my early 20’s and it was physically difficult to wean off. I wish my doctors would have given me more advice!
Anon
Some meds SHOULD NOT be mixed with Advil/Tylenol.
Anonymous
Sure, but her comment said that her doctor advised them to use more Tylenol as one way to minimize the rx pain meds.
Anon
I have had better luck getting useful information and guidance from the PA. They tend to have more time and can be an incredible resource.
Anon
My son just had oral surgery and the oral surgeon gave us a prescription for hydrocodone – and then strongly encouraged us not to give them to our son, because so many people with opioid addictions developed them after having oral surgery (usually wisdom teeth removal) as teenagers. He also gave us prescription-strength Motrin and encouraged us to use that vs. the hydrocodone. He talked us through how to talk to our son about his pain (“on a scale of 1-10 how bad is it”) and the importance of staying on top of it in the first few days after surgery. I asked him point-blank why he was prescribing the hydrocodone if we shouldn’t use it, and he said pain is different for different people and some people literally get no relief from OTC meds or the prescription non-opioid pain meds. Since my son had never had surgery before we didn’t know how he would react, what his pain levels would be, and what would work for him. I’ve never really needed to give him pain meds of any kind, for anything, barring the Children’s Motrin we gave him for fevers when he was really little. As it turned out, I had some 1000mg Tylenol that worked really well for my son’s pain; he took two a day for 3 days and then really didn’t need anything after that.
What the oral surgeon told us is that it’s best to start with non-opioid pain medication in prescription-strength doses and see if the pain is manageable (meaning: not completely gone, but not nagging/distracting) with those. If relief can’t be obtained with the base dose of prescription-strength analgesics, you can try a higher dose (whatever it says on the prescription bottle – so if it says “1-2 pills every 4-6 hours” and 1 pill every 6 hours isn’t working, go to 2 pills every 4 hours). If that doesn’t work, use the opioids, at the lowest dose/lowest frequency possible. But he recommended not using the opioids for more than 3 days and wanted us to call if after three days our son still needed opioid pain relief. He only prescribed 9 pills with no refills and we still have all of them (and will have to dispose of them now).
I don’t know the answers to your questions but I would think if your husband has a PCP, you could call and ask them, or call your insurance’s nurse line. Your husband does need to manage his pain, before and after his surgery, but there’s more than one way to do that, and they don’t all involve opioids. I am not sure about his injury, but I’ve had some pretty painful knee, shoulder, neck and back injuries and a TENS device really helped with my pain, without use of prescription painkillers. I will say I don’t think complete avoidance of prescription painkillers is necessarily a goal or ideal state. If your husband is hurting, he needs relief, but if he’s getting uncomfortable taking the pain meds, there are other things he can try to cope with the pain. But he should not just try to “live with”the pain; we’ve now discovered that the longer people are in pain, the better the brain gets at processing those signals, and then pain becomes hard to get rid of. You’re in a tough spot and I am sorry you’re going through this. I hope your husband (and you!) find some relief soon.
Lots to Learn
This is such a detailed, helpful response. I don’t have any need for pain meds right now, but I may save this post. Thanks.
Nesprin
The one thing with OTC painkillers is make sure you don’t take more than 2-3 grams of tylenol/acetominophen/paracetamol in a day- it can cause the ugliest forms of liver toxicity.
That being said, alternating tylenol and an nsaid like ibuprofen can be very helpful.
Bonnie Kate
Did they really give him opioids? Tylenol isn’t opioids, I think the addiction danger is a lot less than opioids.
DH had a major knee injury last year where he was in a tremendous amount of pain and they gave him nothing but prescription strength ibuprofen before the surgery (it was about 2 weeks from initial injury to surgery). He was waking up in the middle of the night with shooting pains and not sleeping (and he normally has a very high pain tolerance), and at his pre-op appointment a few days before the surgery I asked if there was anything PCP could do and he gave a very short supply of Vicodin – that had specific instructions and he said he was literally only doing that because it was just a short time period.
The day of the surgery, there was a nurse who went over all the pain meds with both of us before and after the surgery (really it was just me after the surgery/dh was totally out of it.) They sent him home with another short dose of Vicodin and a recommended schedule for ibuprofen and aspirin and maybe something else – can’t remember. The dosages and schedules were fairly complicated because they were all different so I made a chart. They emphasized that staying ahead of the pain is super important – specifically told my husband to not be a hero and take the meds. However at least from the experience we had last year, the doctors are prescribing way less of the very addictive pain meds, limiting their usage, and relying heavily on over the counter meds for pain management.
Also, hugs to you – it is really freaking hard being the caregiver.
Anon
I thought the trend was to give people Tylenol codeine, so that people would destroy their livers if they tried to take too much of the codeine.
Anon
She said they gave him serious pain meds and then when they asked about how to wean off them the doctor’s only advice was “take more Tylenol.” She’s not saying Tylenol is an opioid lol.
Anon
Tylenol isn’t an opioid and has no addiction danger. I don’t understand your first sentence.
Vicodin is an opioid – it’s hydrocodone mixed with acetaminophen (Tylenol) and you should not take additional Tylenol on top of this.
Hydrocodone, OxyContin/oxycodone, and fentanyl are pure opioids.
OxyContin is the subject of all the lawsuits you’ve read about because it was marketed as non-addictive when in fact it is highly, highly addictive, and has been the gateway drug for lots of current drug addicts. When you’re addicted to any of these drugs, you need more and more over time to get the same effect, and at some point that dosage level comes close to the heart-stopping level.
I am very very cautious about opioids in my house. Dependency symptoms start as early as 3 days in. Long term prescriptions should really only be used for terminal illness.
Anon
I’m not sure about only for terminal illness. We know that there are chronic pain patients who have used opioid painkillers responsibly for decades. I think what we don’t know who is who will be able to do that and who won’t be able to.
Anon
It’s not really a choice though. Even people who use “responsibly” can get addicted. It creates a physical dependence. I recommend reading Dreamland, Dope Sick or Empire of Pain if you think only those who use opioids “irresponsibly” can become addicts.
Anon
I do understand that addiction isn’t a choice!
I don’t think it’s accurate in general with medications to say that physical dependence and addiction are the same thing though.
Anonymous Grouch
My DH had surgery after a serious injury, and was given a very small number of opioids – I think only enough for a week. We stuck closely to the dosing schedule for the first few days, even waking up at 2:00 AM for a dose, because if you allow them to wear off and the pain breaks through it can be very hard to get it back under control. After 3 or 4 days he switched to advil/tylenol combo (big dose of each) for the day time, and the pain stayed under control. YMMV, but definitely take the hard drugs at first to avoid bad pain. There is no moral high ground to be gained by denying him pain medication that will speed his healing, and as he heals he’ll be able to wean off the hard stuff pretty easily.
Anon
Yes, this is a big factor in why we have an opioid crisis. When I gave birth vaginally they sent me home from the hospital with a 14 day supply of Vicodin. I was sore as h3ll down there, but I didn’t need Vicodin. I barely needed Tylenol. I just needed to be sore for a few days (and maybe awkwardly clutch my crotch while walking on stairs lol). I safely disposed of the Vicodin a few months later but I shudder to think of how many people don’t, and how easily a teen can addicted to opioids just by popping someone’s leftover pain pill one time.
Anon
That is so interesting, bc my hospital just told me to take Motrin (and I had a lot of tearing).
Anonymous
My hospital pushed the Percocet but it was impossible to get Advil.
Anon at 11:11
So I’m allergic to ibuprofen and I did have a third degree tear, which is why I think I was given stronger meds (my OB was convinced Tylenol would do nothing for me, because it’s not anti-inflammatory like Motrin is). I don’t think Vicodin is standard for all V deliveries in my hospital. But I definitely didn’t need it. It’s hard to strike the right balance. There are a lot of women whose doctors don’t take their pain seriously. I’ve been among them at times. But it also seems pretty crazy to hand someone two weeks of opioids when they say they think they can manage their pain with Tylenol.
Coach Laura
When I had major spinal/neck surgery, I had pain pills after being on the pain drip in the hospital. Same with when I had my c-sections. The first day out of the hospital I took them but after the first day, I took Tylenol during the day and only took the opioids at night. I took them maybe three nights and never again. My sister in law, when I told her how much/little I was taking and when, said to me “Oh wow I always take the full dose all the time for my back pain.” Two years later, she was completely addicted and had pill bottles in her car from 22 different prescribing doctors. (This was before pharmacies were able to track controlled substance use as well.) My point is that taking the lowest dose and the least amount is a good goal. Taking it at night to sleep prioritizes healing and to my mind, minimizes the chance of being addicted because you’re asleep while the drug is active. As long as the person doesn’t start to rely on them to sleep. If getting to sleep is a normal issue, then someone could get dependent on drugs to sleep, which would be bad too.
You could talk with the pharmacist about “stacking” or alternating tylenol and Advil, which for me seems to offer better pain control than just tylenol or just advil.
Anon
My pediatrician told us it was fine to give Advil and Tylenol at the same time for teething. They act on different parts of the body so it’s generally fine to have both in your body at the same time.
Telco Lady JD
This is such an interesting discussion. My husband had a very involved shoulder surgery a few years ago, and was TERRIFIED about taking the opioid drugs he was prescribed. He recognizes that he has a fairly addictive personality, and has avoided tobacco and alcohol as a result. He had a nerve block that was supposed to get him through the first 12 hours after surgery – but it wore off after about four. And he was actually green and nauseous from the pain. (We were expecting the block to last longer, so we didn’t keep ahead of it.)
We made a deal – I would keep track of his dosages and keep the pills out of his sight. He took the meds as directed for about five days before he’d recovered enough that alternating large doses of Tylenol and Ibuprofen were good enough. We approached the use of these drugs, and really discussed whether or not he needed EVERY dose. (At his request, not mine.) He was ready to be done with them after five days – mostly because of the constipating effects. And he made me get rid of them after we were sure the OTC meds would take care of it.
CS
Has your spouse ever taken opioid pain meds before? If so, his prior experience should be a good guide for how you both approach post-surgery pain management. I absolutely HATE the way opioids make me feel like a complete zombie, but post-surgery they’re the only thing that takes the edge off true pain. (I’m also squicked out by their mechanism of action–instead of acting at the source, to reduce inflammation or whatever, they block pain receptors in the brain, so the part of your brain that is arsed to care about the pain is just shut down. Eugh!) My M.O. is to take the fewest opioid doses I can while still being comfortable, but this was really a trial-and-error process unfortunately. (My doc did make a point of saying as soon as I could handle the pain without the opioids, I should stop taking them–again, this was easy for me because I hate the way they make me feel.)
All this to say I guess I have no advice, but I wish you the best of luck, and I commend you for wanting to get a jump on your husband’s pain management plan. I hope his surgery goes well and that he recovers quickly.
Nesprin
Knocking out pain in the brain is one of the beautiful things about opioids- if you’re in pain, you make more of these neurotransmitters, which make you more sensitive to pain in the future.
Opioids block these pathways, which is why they work so well on severe pain. So if you need opioids, you need them, but getting off as quickly as possible and on to non-opioid pain meds is important.
Anonymous
Tylenol works that way too, which weirded me out when I learned it.
OP
Thank you all so much for replying, this is really helpful. This is a crazy hard time and there is such a wealth of information in these comments! Thank you all!
Anon
Curious about travel agents in general.
We hired a luxury travel agent to help plan our honeymoon and pretty quickly parted ways when it became clear she was only going to offer her limited selection of “preferred hotel partners” who weren’t our style at all (one of her offerings was Atlantis). I’m assuming she got a hefty commission from these hotels in addition to our fees.
Are there travel agents who work solely for client fees? If so, how do you find them? Or is this just the nature of the business?
Emma
I don’t know, because I had the same experience when EXH and I tried to plan our honeymoon via the department store travel agency we had registered with. I ended up just taking cash and planning it myself because she had no helpful suggestions and kept pushing these bland resorts on us.
Flats Only
You need to find someone who has the expertise/relationships for the type of travel or vibe you’re looking for. Finding one agent who can do it all will be impossible. But if you know you destination and style of travel you can find someone who will really be able to help you and you may get better deals, and access to things you wouldn’t get booking on your own. And getting commissions on your booking is part of how they earn their living, not something shady.
It’s like lawyers – your local personal injury guy might be great at getting you the best possible settlement after a car accident, but he’s not going to be who you hire for a huge corporate merger. One is not better than the other – they’re just different.
Anon
I had the same experience with two travel agents I used in my 20s and I no longer use them for this reason.
Cat
Where do you want to go? I bet you can get plenty of fab hotel recs from this group for free :)
Anon
Thank you, Cat! We wound up booking Seven Stars on Grace Bay (Turks and Caicos) which I’m super excited about. I’d love any recommendations people have for activities or restaurants!
Cat
Have a wonderful time! Recs from a few years ago:
Food-
Coco Bistro was our fave “nice” meal.
We also did a day trip over to Taylor Bay (neat to see since it’s so shallow for so far, though overrun with toddlers as a result) and lunched at Las Brisas on Chalk Sound – delish.
We had an abominably poor meal at Da Conch Shack so… you have permission to skip if you need it :)
Excursions-
Caicos Dream Tours did a nice day sail (snorkeling, conch) excursion with an “adult-fun” level of music as opposed to “partying 19yo” levels.
We did an actual sailboat sunset sail on the Atabeyra (sp?) and it was so spectacular that it was my desktop background for like 4 years after the trip!
Anon
Grace Bay is beautiful. But Seven Stars is a pretty family friendly place. For a honeymoon you might want to book adults only (not sure if that exists in TCI), or at least a place that’s less popular with families. This is doubly so if you plan to have kids soon. I love traveling with my little one but a lot of the best resorts in the Caribbean are adults only and are now off limits to us.
We enjoyed Taylor Bay and Las Brisas too (we had a toddler with us lol). The views are beautiful.
Anokha
+1. Alternately, depending on your credit card, if you have access to a concierge service, they can help you with some of this. (e.g., “I need a hotel in City for X budget, and a priority to me is ABC.”)
PLB
Hmmmm. I need to check for this. That’s major.
Anne-on
There are, but not as many as there used to be, and many of them do not book airline flights (because there is almost no kickback and SO many moving pieces to manage). If you have a platinum AmEx the fine hotels and resorts program access gives you the same access many travel agents have. I’d head over to the points guy, read their breakdowns of the card benefits, and sign up for a card that you can get hotel benefits with yourself.
Also, if you post where you want to go I bet ppl will give you recs!
manager question
I need advice from skilled managers and ask a manager is too hard to search for specific questions. Two of my direct reports really don’t like each other. They have different styles, different skillsets, and different ways of working and communicating. And they just cannot overcome these differences in the instances when they need to work together. Person A has a reputation for being prickly and a bit icy when confronted with situations and people she doesn’t like. But she is highly competent in her job and I think she resents Person B for not being so competent. Person B has a reputation for not being direct, being passive aggressive in trying to get what she wants, and killing people with niceness in a way that is obviously fake to observers. She is good at some aspects of her job but not so good at the parts that intersect with Person A. I’ve tried talking to them both, very directly, and giving them specific guidance in how to overcome this friction. And yes, I’m working with Person B to try to get her up to speed but it’s a part of her job that she clearly doesn’t enjoy and she won’t take initiative to get better at it. This would be easier to address if either one of them was blatantly rude to the other but they are both fake polite to each other, don’t ever yell or say anything specifically nasty–it’s just the tone that they are using (“Sure, I would be glad to work on that with you” with a big fake smile) that makes it obvious and frankly extremely uncomfortable for everyone else when they are together. How do I address this–what’s my script in talking to them and do I talk to them together? I don’t know how to help them get past this issue so that they can have a productive working relationship. I don’t want them to be BFF, but it is not super pleasant to be around either of them together. I’m probably not explaining this well, but any thoughts are appreciated and happy to clarify in the comments.
Anonymous
You do not address this. Being fake polite is professional and they are doing just that! You can’t force people to be real polite.
Anon
I agree.
Anon
Disagree. There’s being “fake polite” in a believable way and being “fake polite” in a mocking way. It sounds like what OP’s employees are doing is the latter and that is absolutely something that needs to be addressed.
Anonymous
Yes this!! Omg it is not good enough for you that I’m outwardly professional and polite?!?
Anon
I agree with this take. If someone is being pleasant there is nothing to counsel them on. If they’re working together with fake niceness but the work is getting done, there is no issue.
Anonymous
Why are you expecting Person A to show that she likes picking up the slack for Person B’s incompetence? You’re giving them an equal workload of having to get along with each other, but that isn’t fair to Person A at all, and she feels it and Person B knows that she feels it. As a manager, you need to reassure Person A that you’re working to bring Person B up to standard and not giving her so much leeway (you’re tolerating her not taking initiative).
roxie
The problem is person B. I hear you are working with her to improve but the truth is you’re going to lose a good staffer – person A – if person B doesn’t shape up and get better at their job and their communication skills.
You cannot ask person to A to like someone who is passive aggressive and bad at their job.
Coach Laura
This.
CS
100% spot-on.
anon
Person B sounds like the bigger problem here because she has an actual performance issue that she’s not interested in fixing (or simply can’t). This relationship is unlikely to improve; chilly professionalism is probably the best it’s going to get, especially if Person A doesn’t respect B.
Cat
I think a lot of us here relate to A. A high achieving professional who balks at needing to work with someone who has a reputation for half-a$$ing work product while visibly schmoozing her way around it…. is not a foreign feeling to me.
A would feel reassured if you explain to her how you’re going to manage B’s lack of… actual work. But if you expect A to be… actually happy to work with B… you will be disappointed.
Anon
Oh boy. I’ve been in this situation a couple of times: the competent-but-prickly person has to work with the not-so-competent but likeable person on project. It’s a headache, and you’re right to want some strategies for dealing with this.
One of the most helpful things for me, in the past, was sitting down with my Employee A (the high performer) and just acknowledging that Employee B has some room to grow and being up-front that we are working on it with that person. And then asking, how can I support or help you in a way that is going to make this project easier for you to complete? If Employee A says “take Employee B off the project” explain why that’s not possible but offer up some suggestions on how you can support Employee B to take the load off Employee A. Do you need to have frequent check-in meetings with Employee B, to keep her on track? Do you need to send Employee B to training? Do you need to have more-frequent check-ins with Employee A, to let her vent her feelings and also help her keep tasks organized? This is actually a great opportunity for Employee A to learn or reinforce skills around appropriate delegation and successful project management. I was told this at one point in my career, and have passed this on to others: it’s easy for most of us to execute a project where we are in complete control and can do all the work ourselves. It’s a different skill and different level of achievement to marshal external-to-us resources (some of which are likely not what you’d prefer) into action to get something done. Doing the latter is how people develop leadership skills, and if Employee A is interested in that, that might be a way to engage her and get her to see the big picture of how getting these things done will help her in the long run.
The “fake polite” thing, if it’s being served with a sarcastic or mocking tone, does need to be addressed and the best way to address it is head-on. How people say what they say is as important (or more) as the words coming out of their mouth. Mocking fake politeness is disrespectful. I have had employees do the wide-eyed “BuT i DoN’T kNoW WhAt yOu MeAn” thing when I call out the behavior – they know what they’re doing. I have told people it’s better to keep answers short and factual than go into the fake mocking politeness. Doing that is not fooling anyone.
The bottom line is you may not ever get these two people to like working together. If it’s not possible to bring Employee B up to Employee A’s level, or even close to it, it would be better for you to try to figure out how to redistribute work to play to each employee’s strengths, rather than maintain a situation where Employee A and Employee B have to keep working together. Other commenters are correct, Employee A will eventually leave so she doesn’t have to deal with the other person’s incompetence. I think offering her a lot of support and then working on, how can we create a better situation for both employees – so Employee A isn’t constantly frustrated, and Employee B doesn’t constantly have her own deficiencies thrown in her face – is the best tactic.
manager question
OP here: Wow, thanks for the super helpful and thoughtful reply. I know that Person A is at risk of wanting to leave. The biggest problem that I stupidly forgot to mention is that Person B was a political (office political not govt political) appointment who is nearly impossible to get rid of without some serious fall out for my division. I’ve been trying for two years to get her to succeed, through trainings, prof dev opportunities, introducing her to others who might mentor her, etc., and she’s just not interested in learning the parts of her job that are not of interest to her. So I’m stuck with her. I know that they don’t have to like each other, but I agree with you that tone is just as important as what is said, and as I mentioned, it makes for very uncomfortable situations. They insist on copying me on their emails to each other, even when I’ve specifically asked them not to. I know that’s a performance issue to address, but jeez, it’s stressing me out to feel like they are always trying to pull me into their drama. I have done what you suggest as far as sitting with Person A and acknowledging the lack of competency with Person B, but since it keeps coming up, it continues to be an issue. Anyway, I appreciate your comment. I think I just needed to hear that I’m at least doing some things right and this is maybe an intractable issue that I need to firmly but kindly let them work out on their own.
Anonymous
You’re still not getting it. You need to protect person A at all costs, and stop forcing her to work with Person B. Outsource Person B to less desirable solo projects.
Managers who only care about the outward kumbaya of their team, like you do here, absolutely suck.
Anon
And I can tell by this comment you have never been a manager and been in this type of situation. I realize we have a number of folks here who consider themselves to be absolute geniuses and the most amazing individual contributors that ever walked the Earth. And maybe you are. But management is a different career and a different skill set and it’s clear, from your response and other responses here, some of the folks who think so highly of themselves as IC’s could not ever manage people (and should not). I am sorry you’re so angry because apparently you feel you haven’t been given your due for all the talent and skill you bring to the workforce. People skills are also important, and if you haven’t experienced the success you wanted, I will suggest you consider whether your attitude, outlook and people skills may have had something to do with that. In any case, berating OP for not handling the situation the way you want her to handle it is not helpful. Check yourself; the kind of inappropriate anger you’re exhibiting here is likely the root cause of a lot of why you may not be happy with your life.
anon
Wow, you sound like a fun person to manage. I can only imagine how well liked you are on your team . . . she didn’t say she only cares about “feelings.” She said its uncomfortable for everyone when these two are obviously being fake nice to each other. That is affecting team morale and is absolutely up to a manager to address.
Anon
Eh, no. “Person A has a reputation for being prickly and a bit icy when confronted with situations and people she doesn’t like.” That’s not acceptable in a professional environment, and competence shouldn’t outweigh basic conduct. I believe Anon needs to address that dynamic on A’s part, not just with guidance but with clear expectations. Separately establish a structured game plan with B to improve her performance.
Suggest asking A to identify her top three concrete sources of frustration. If you concur with her assessment (you are still the boss here), suggest telling B her performance in X, Y, and Z must improve. I find with someone who is incalcitrant that being blunt gives them nowhere to hide. “You are giving ambiguous answers when we need clear responses and have not shown initiative in improving in X, Y, and Z. That’s harming the work product, unfairly burdening Person A, and requiring too much of my time to referee. Starting today, we are actively changing that dynamic. Over the years I have done [list of the steps you’ve take] to give you the tools to improve, and you haven’t taken advantage of that. Now we are moving to hands on remediation on these topics.” And then work with her to establish a plan on how to do that.
She doesn’t care? Not good enough. Because you are going to check in with her every week on X, and see the data on Y before it goes to Person A, etc. And the expectation should be that Person A is going to be receptive to good faith efforts, because improvement doesn’t happen overnight. Even if you could fire B and replace her, that would still not be an overnight improvement. And document all these conversations with everyone.
If they deny their parts in the dynamic (the prickliness, the fake niceties), tell them that anyone observing their dynamic can tell it sucks the air out of the room. Don’t engage in 15 rounds on whether the sky is blue. The dynamic is toxic and must change.
“They insist on copying me on their emails to each other, even when I’ve specifically asked them not to.”
As a long time head of a 60 person office (and in the government, where job security presents these situations often), I will say this: if I clearly told staff to stop cc-ing me and they continued, I’d be very assertive in solving that problem. That’s not a performance issue, that’s a conduct issue, and even a high performer can have a conduct issue. Ignoring your instructions on something so minor undermines your managerial authority, and without it you aren’t going to move the needle here.
Will A leave because someone else is incompetent? Maybe. Though I think the idea that she’d find a workplace where everyone is competent and turnover never changes that is a bit pie in the sky. Will B refuse to change? Maybe. But either way the status quo is not sustainable.
Okay, that’s long. I’m sorry. You’ve mentioned being direct, but I don’t know how direct so forgive me if you’ve tried everything here.
Anonymous
Does A know B is unfireable? If not tell her and be gracious when she decides to GTFO.
Anon
This. One of my managers a few years ago reassigned me off of supporting a team and flat out told me ‘they want a man. I know you’re doing good work, but they’re going to give you terrible reviews until I assign them a guy to work with. I don’t want them to tank your performance rating, so this is why I’m moving you. It stinks, I’m sorry, and I can move your other assignments around (within reason) but I wanted to be candid about the situation.’
Anon
I am the Anon you’re replying to – sometimes in management there are just tensions we have to manage because there are problems we can’t solve. While I believe in always trying to bring out the best in people, we all get stuck in situations we can’t do much about. I haven’t worked in government but I was previously in an environment where I had legacy employees who we could not get rid of and we also could not motivate to perform better. They were never going to get fired, and they were perfectly fine receiving “meets expectations” results every year and staying in the same position forever. Those folks kind of become the rock the river has to flow around. So your job is not so much, how do I get this rock out of the river, but how do I flow around this person and enable work to get done to the best of my ability. You’re a manager, you’re not Wonder Woman. You can’t go in and save the day every time. Do what you can do and express empathy and understanding to Employee A, and that will go a long way. Maintain a good handle on when you are really needed to support/intervene and when they’re trying to drag you into drama; remember to get and stay involved when it really matters and let the petty stuff roll off your back.
manager question
Thank you so much, again. I’m not in govt but in academia, which has the same issue with legacy employees so I’ve been dealing with this my whole career. I really appreciate your acknowledgement that I can’t always fix everything as a manager. That’s been the toughest thing for me to accept, and it helps to hear others say it. I do have a really good relationship with Person A. I do need to get better at not letting them both drag me into the drama and letting stuff go that I have no control over.
Cat
Ooh, as an A in this situation, if she doesn’t know why B is being given special latitude, it would be a kindness to tell her.
What benefit can A get from working with B? Opportunities in other areas for more visibility? From what you’ve said so far it sounds like it’s all downside for A…
manager question
She knows. It doesn’t help, just makes her seethe more. Which is understandable.
manager question
Anon at 240: thank you. I appreciate your advice, you’ve given me a few things to think about. For everyone else who provided constructive feedback, thanks, too. I’m trying to be a good manager to both parties (as well as the rest of my team). That’s why I’m asking for advice. I don’t know all the answers, but I care enough to want to find out. And sometimes in situations like this its hard to find advice because you don’t want to violate privacy or there isn’t another appropriate person in your org or field to ask. That’s why I’m asking here!
Cora
Any suggestions for darker but not very dark red lipstick? I wore a shade yesterday that fell in that range and got compliments both from coworkers in person and over zoom, and from the guy I’m dating on the color. I think that’s my shade. I usually wear a brighter red and don’t want something super dark, which is what most of the dark lipsticks I seem to find are.
The lipstick in question is called Hollywood Red and is from Nature Republic.
Anon
If you found one you liked why do you need another one…?
Anonymous
Yeah confusing
Cora
It’s a limited edition and not easily available in the US, a very random lipstick. So looking for another one I could get easily.
Anon
I like the red lipstick worn by Agent Carter: RED VELVET LIPSTICK – 1946
https://besamecosmetics.com/products/red-velvet-lipstick
Cat
No specific shade recs as it is so personal, but FWIW I have found Charlotte Tilbury lipstick to be great at “buildable color” – it can go from a hint of red with a light swipe to a bold look with heavier application.
pugsnbourbon
I like Maybelline’s Red for Me. I’m very pale with lots of pink in my skin.
There’s Fenty Stunna that’s supposed to be flattering on everyone, but that might not be dark enough.
Anon
I don’t wear orangey reds so don’t have tons of advice on that (I do have the NARS Claudette lipstick from their special collection, and it’s a nice rust red, but not really my color.)
I like a red that leans pink, or a pink that leans red. I prefer muted and not bright. If that’s up your alley my two favorites are:
Laura Mercier sheer lipstick in Healthy Lips (it’s not really sheer)
Revlon Super Lustrous Shine in shade 003 Glossed Up Rose. This one is pinker than the Laura Mercier. It’s supposed to be a dupe for a popular YSL lippie. Idk, I didn’t try the YSL but the Revlon is a really great lipstick and you can’t beat the price. They also have plenty of more true red leaning shades.
anon
Skip this if you don’t want a weight loss question. But if you’re game, keep reading.
There is one aspect of weight loss that I still don’t have a great handle on. On the days when I do hard exercise (think running or HIIT), I have a very hard time not eating back those calories and then some. I try to focus on a high-quality recovery meal that includes fat and protein, but I still have the munchy, hangry feelings for part of the day. I am really not interested in giving up running or HIIT. I do them 3-4 times a week and they have always done a lot for my mental health. Although I definitely mix in low-impact stuff like walking or yoga, I frankly find them really boring and they don’t give me the same mental release as hard exercise.
Do I accept that I am just going to need to eat more on my hard exercise days? Ugh, weight loss is hard. I have learned the hard way that I can’t outrun my tendency to overeat. Despite exercising throughout the pandemic, I packed on 20 pounds from boredom eating and emotional eating that I’m now having a hard time losing. Truly wish I could rewind to my March 2020 weight.
Anon
In my personal experience, I used to eat back the calories but would eat them back in a healthy way. It basically boiled down to eating more fruits and vegetables. I’d have extra roasted veggies and quinoa or whatever. I lost a ton of weight, which I think was facilitated by the extra fiber and the impact my diet had on my metabolism. I don’t think eating back the calorie in protein bars or whatever would have been effective. I had to axe processed carbs, sugars, snack foods, etc. But it was fine for me despite eating more calories.
anon
You’re right, I do need to make sure that I’m adding high-quality calories. Can I just say that while fruits and veggies are great, I miss snack foods?
Cornellian
I’m the same way, honestly. I think making sure you get enough hydration and protein afterwards is all you can do. I have these 100 calorie clif bar things I keep in my office for days when that strikes.
Maybe you can adjust on your non-workout days?
anon
I mean, yes, your body is working harder so it needs more fuel/recovery fuel.
Ellen
Yes, I also put on 15 pounds during the pandemic from sitting in front of my computer reading and eating junk foods. The worse part of it is that it was all in my midriff and tuchus, which makes it difficult to fit into many outfits. I now have a new row of A line dresses that are open, not like miu mius, but airy enough to let alot of air underneath, so if I go out, it looks like a parachute when the wind blows, particularly from under grates and manhole covers. I always wear tights in the winter, so there is no chance of men seeing my underwear, but I worry with it getting warmer that I will walk over a grate and men will be able to see my underwear unless I wear slacks, which I don’t want to do until my tuchus is in check. Any ideas for me?
Go for it
I workout heavy with weights hiit right after work 2x week. Weekend is hard piyo class or very long hike. On those days breakfast is steel cut oatmeal, chopped apple & hearty handful of nuts. Lunch is huge salad with raisins &nuts plus either 3 hard boiled eggs or a can of tuna.
Weeknight workouts only: when I get home I have a banana and a cup of tea.
I am not a snacker & limit sweets to weekends or special days.
Eliminating snacks & sweets was so helpful for me~ goodbye decision fatigue.
Idk if any of this helps~ just my thoughts
Cora
I do eat more on my hard exercise days. I’ve found that the calorie estimate from my Apple Watch is pretty accurate, so I track it in Lose It and make sure it’s healthy food not junk food and still within the limits
Ribena
Yes I do the same – I rely on my Apple Watch numbers and way back most of the extra calories Lose It gives me.
Anonymous
The way I lost weight was to address every hunger pang with protein first – usually an egg, sometimes some chicken or roast beef – even if that was not what I was craving. If I was still hungry after that, I tried a bit more protein or a few filling nuts. Essentially I never fed my actual cravings. For more routine snacks, I could go with a fruit with nut butter or yogurt with a topping or some oatmeal, so it wasn’t entirely protein eating . This was hard at first but at some point, and not that long into it, I pretty much stopped craving carbs and kind of had to force myself to eat whole grains occasionally. I am gaining weight recently and it is absolutely because my body is back to cravings because I stopped being meticulous about the protein and craving and eating snack foods again.
Ribena
This seems like a great idea – possibly easier done on WFH days but absolutely one to use on those days. Will boil up some eggs tomorrow morning!
Cora
One word of caution – I did this and in general was focusing on having a protein heavy diet but it ended up being very low in fats so I was always hungry and also it didn’t really work.
Anonymous
Hmmm. I don’t consider eggs, roast beef, or nuts to be low fat. I did occasionally eat a can of tuna in oil when I was craving fat because it provides a definite sensory experience of eating fat. There was also fat in my regular meals; this was just how I addressed cravings and hunger pangs to kill them quickly without breaking the calorie bank.
Abby
Don’t run or do hiit. I know that’s not what you want to hear but they always increase hunger. Try weightlifting with heavy weights and walking. Sorry :(.
Abby
Hi! I’ve been posting under Abby for a few years now..any chance you can pick a slightly varied username?
Anon
I weightlift with heavy weights and I also get really hungry on hard workout days. Not sure that’s the answer here.
Curious
Two things: Are you eating protein pre-workout? I did Whole 30 once and was astounded how much better and more powerful I felt with half a can of tuna and some oil in me before working out. They also recommend protein and carbs (not fat) in the recovery meal. It could be you just need that fast energy from a sweet potato with the other half a can of tuna. I know there are a lot of studies that suggest long term weight loss isn’t realistic, so I don’t know if this will be enough to lose weight, but it made me feel much better and not hangry to distribute the food that way. I did lose weight on whole 30, FWIW, but not long term.
BeenThatGuy
After a HIIT workout or Crossfit style workout, whether I’m trying to loose weight or not, I drink a Muscle Milk right after. My body needs the liquid protein because it’s doesn’t have to work hard to break down solid protein. I feel revived in about 10 minutes. I know Muscle Milk is made of chemicals (not ideal) but it’s low caloric value fits into my calorie count. After the drink, I’m able to eat a normal/balanced meal without feeling like I’m going to eat everything in the house the rest of the night.
Anonymous
Chocolate milk is often recommended as a recovery drink for athletes. You could just do regular milk to avoid the sugar.
Anonymous
Hi! I’m looking for insight from anybody here who has joined a private club (eg. Country club, social club, etc.). Have you found it to be worth it? Or did you join and then rarely go? Do you feel like you use the club facilities often? Have you met new people? Do you find yourself engaging in non-club activities less (for example do you mostly dine out at the club now that you are a member or do you still go to other restaurants)? And if you are married/partnered did both you and your spouse join or only one of you and then the other come as an occasional guest? DH and I are looking into potentially joining a club that is local to us and I’m trying to gauge whether we will use it enough to justify the cost. Interested in hearing from both people with and without kids about your experience (we are TTC so would end up having both a period of time where we are members sans kids and then members with kids). I understand that mileage may vary for everyone (depending on club, lifestyles, etc). but still interested to hear others thoughts as we make our decision.
Anonymous
I have not (because I”m young/balling on a budget/in the city), but expect to likely join a country club in the future (as that’s common in my circles), but answering based off of my parents experience.I’m in an area where country clubs are pretty common and there are a ton, so my parents joined one that is working class (my dad’s best friend at the club is a painter – as in walls not art -, another friend there is a mailman, etc). They joined because they love golf and its cheaper/easier to join a club if you play a lot of golf.
My parents live about 5 minutes from their club, and go often. I think in the summer, my dad plays at least a few holes of golf 4/5 days a week (a weeknight mens league, meeting up after work to play 9 with a friend from the club, playing with my mom, playing in a couples league, and playing with existing friends from other clubs at each others clubs). They frequently grab a beer or something after a round, and probably go out for dinner without golfing before 1-2x a month. They certainly eat elsewhere too – they probably eat out 2-3x a week. There’s no racquet sports or pool, but they play in bridge leagues there too.
Both of my parents joined (we joined as a family but my siblings and I have aged out), but my dad definitely uses it more – he loves golf, my mom likes it. I’d say that my mom has made friendly acquaintances there while my dad has made a few close friends and several acquaintances.
TLDR, I don’t think social clubs are necessarily worth it but if its a country club and you enjoy the activities offered, I think its very worth it.
Anon
I have two perspectives on this. I am not personally a club member so take that as you will
I live near a very old, very fancy club where you need to be nominated to join, it costs around $20-$30k to join and then is $600+ per month, depending on what aspects of the club you are using. We were invited to tour and use a trial membership, and we could easily have found someone to sponsor us, but that was just too much for us to justify. We know lots of parent friends who have memberships and they seem to mostly use it for the pools during warm weather. Mh kids sometimes got invited to the pools with friends and they were very nice, but not $600/ month nice. Just anecdotally, most of the parents I knew well enough to ask about the cost when we were considering joining (because the club itself is cagey about cost until they have you on the hook) said their own parents had been members for decades so they helped to pay for their adult children’s memberships. Maybe there was a discount for them, I’m not sure. They all also said something like “I should get over there to use the gym more often, but I just don’t.”
On the other hand, my sister lives in a more suburban area with neighborhoods built around small country clubs that are basically tennis courts, pools, and a single golf course. Her costs are much lower. It’s still optional to join if you live in the neighborhood but you can only join if you live there. She uses it all the time. I went to her birthday party at the clubhouse (very not fancy, think church rec room) and got a look around. They have a small gym but the workout equipment is more on the serviceable side rather than high end. The lockers are spartan. There is no spa.
If I were to join a club, I’d probably join one like my sister’s.
Anon
My family joined a golf club in 2018. It’s 100% worth the money for us. We are avid golfers. We use the summer kids programs. We go to the pool every weekend. In season at least one of us is there 6 days a week and we usually grab food there too. In the off season, we use indoor golf simulator and also eat at the club at least twice a week. We’ve met great families in our time there. And most of the younger members are dual income with kids, although the older crowd is definitely more of a ladies who lunch vibe. Our club was invaluable during Covid. They took Covid precautions very seriously and did not have to shut down. All of our restaurant meals were there because it is not as busy as a normal restaurant and felt safer.
anonshmanon
dumb question – the food is not free though? Or is it like a casino?
Anonymous at 11:49
No, you still have to pay for the food like any restaurant.
Many clubs have a quarterly minimum to spend at the restaurant/bar as well. I believe my parents club’s minimum is $250/quarter, which is easily doable for most.
Anon
Nope, not free. We get a bill at the end of the month with all of our food charges.
Anon
We joined what used to be a country club, with a buy-in and an application process and all that, that has just become a golf and social club anyone can join if their monthly payments clear their bank account. There are different levels of membership depending on how much you want to golf or play tennis; we don’t do either so we pay for the lowest-level membership and it’s $75 a month. We largely joined because they have a nice pool in the summer months (which here is beginning of May – end of September), but we’ve found ourselves getting more involved in the club because we’ve met some cool people there, and as things have opened up in our area the club is doing some good social programming that’s a fun way to get out for an afternoon or an evening. We knew we had made a good decision when we showed up for opening weekend at the pool and instead of a bunch of stuffy old people there were tons of very diverse families – many ethnicities, several same-sex couples, some of the parents had their tats on full display, etc. Our club has things like weekend barbecues in the summertime and they had a fun Valentine’s Day dinner where people started singing along with the live musician, etc. There’s a fun, chill vibe; it’s definitely not stuck-up, exclusionary or stuffy. Do we use the club amenities year-round as much as we should to justify the monthly membership cost? Probably not, but the club is putting in a new fitness facility and is going to offer some “paint-and-sip” art classes and we’ll probably go more when those things start up. A lot of our couple friends have moved away in recent years and we’re starting to meet new people through the club, which is nice, and even if we don’t meet up with other people just being able to go have drinks and apps on their very nice patio overlooking the golf course is great. FYI we have one teenage kid, who could not care less about the club amenities other than the pool.
Anon
If you are paying $75 per month and that includes the pool, this is a good deal even if the only use is pool in the summer.
Anon
I mean, not compared to a membership at a community pool.
Anon
Our community pools are so overwhelmed in the summer you have to buy timed entry tickets and you get one hour to swim – including changing time – and then you have to get out to make way for the next wave. Even with limited timed entry the pools get so crowded you can barely move around in the water. Also, many of them are indoor pools, not outdoor. Not an option we prefer.
Anon
On a rational level, I agree with you. However, I have this Frugal Fanny voice in my head that, when the charge goes through every month, chastises me because “you paid that place $75 this month and didn’t even set foot through the door!” I have tried to tell Frugal Fanny that the club limits memberships, and they always get swamped with applications right before summer starts that they have to deny due to space considerations, so if we don’t pay throughout the year, we wouldn’t be able to get back in for the summertime. And also that my husband and I have very good jobs and can afford the $75 a month. But so far Frugal Fanny won’t shut up, LOL
Senior Attorney
When my son was young we joined a local swim and tennis club and it was great to have the pool and other facilities during the summer. That was a family membership, as I recall.
These days my husband is a member (and I am “spouse” with full member privileges to use his account) of a social club in walking distance of both our offices and we use it a lot for lunches and also for weeknight happy hour/dinner get-togethers with friends. It’s an older crowd but we are getting more and more younger members as we (remodeling committee headed by Hubby) spruce it up some.
Cat
I’m not, but from a variety of acquaintances, the ones who find it ‘worth it’ used it as a replacement for the club-type-stuff they were doing already, like frequent golfing and swimming. I don’t know anyone who joined a club with goal of doing more X that actually… does more X.
People mostly seem to use the restaurants for kid-friendly lunches (like if a kid is at the club for an activity on Sat the whole fam eats lunch there) or a casual dinner. Sometimes to grab a drink. It seems to replace Panera or take-out more so than a dinner you’d particularly look forward to. YMMV if your club is fancier than the ones my suburban friends have joined, though.
Anonymous
I joined a club when I was 22 as a legacy (my parents were members), so I didn’t have to pay any hefty initiation fees. I have been a member for the past 20 years — first as single/married without kids, and now divorced with kids. It is expensive (some would say too expensive for my income) but worth it to me — many members of my extended family belong, as well as friends I’ve known since I was a child. I spend the majority of my summer there (pool, tennis, water activities, kids’ camp and activities) and I love that the kids have so much time with extended family. There are about ten families still around who I’ve known my whole life, and I am casually friendly with them and their kids as well.
I live relatively far away so don’t spend a lot of time there in the “off season.” When I was married I used to take advantage of the dining/entertainment but that’s significantly less appealing at this stage in my life.
I am the member, but at my club immediate family has no restrictions on use, so kids/husband (when I was married) had unlimited use of facilities.
Anon
My spouse belongs to a city club, and I use the facilities using my “spousal” membership. There is an initiation fee to join, which we never paid due to the rules around joining as a young member in place at the time. The facilities include the club space (restaurant, pub, rooms you could use for a wedding), gym, indoor pool and squash courts. Both my husband and I are service professionals, we like to use the club for business lunches/drinks. We attend a lot of events, wine/tasting dinner, the Easter brunch, the holiday dinner, etc., and use the space for private parties (e.g., hosting a shower). We have made a lot of friends through the club and thoroughly enjoy the social experience. I always advise people not to join for business reasons. Like any other part of your network, you may meet people who turn into clients, but that’s not a good reason to join. Only my spouse is the member and pays dues. There are a handful of two member couples we know and I think all of them were because the wife was a member and the husband joined due to a Napoleon complex. (Why pay twice?) We also use other city clubs as reciprocal members when we travel.
Senior Attorney
Our club is similar to this, minus the athletic facilities (although we are eying the lot next door so who knows what will happen in the future?). Also we have no buy-in at present although there is a modest (three figure) initiation fee.
Anon
Which club is this? I can only think of two private clubs in our town (I’ve gleaned where you live from things you’ve said), but not one with room to grow physically. I’ve usually attended enough events at these clubs to enjoy the experience without having to be a paying member, though I sometimes want to try to join if only for the “I’ve arrived!” feeling.
Senior Attorney
U Club. Looking at the building on the corner next to our parking lot but there are complications at the moment. You never know, though!
Senior Attorney
Also off the top of my head I can think of at least half a dozen clubs in town! ;)
Seventh Sister
I was a member of a private club many many years ago and I LOVED it, even though it was expensive. It had a bar, an OK restaurant/dining room, snack shop, pool, gym, and exercise classes in a gorgeous old building downtown. Right now I pay for a $$$ gym, and I’d go back to something like my old club in a second because it was so nice to have a pool and a bar (the $$$ gym has neither). It was just the kind of socializing I wanted – friendly but not too involved. This was all pre-kids, but I think we’d get plenty of use out of this kind of thing with kids.
Most of the private clubs in my neighborhood require a five-figure buy-in, which is totally out of reach for us. My understanding is that the buy-ins is the de facto way they keep non-WASPs from joining because people who are the adult kids of older (mostly WASP) members get to join without a buy-in.
Seventh Sister
*are
Related: I could probably lean on a friend or two to see if I could join one of the private clubs in my are without a buy-in, but it just feels like too much work for the amount of time I’d use the place.
Anon 2.0
Is there such a thing as a cord protector to keep a mouse from chewing a cord? Long story short, one of those nasty little beasts got into our house and chewed my oven cord in two before it could be caught! We are getting a new oven (for a variety of reasons we are not just replacing the cord) but I certainly don’t want the possibility this happens again. We lived across from a large park/water reserve so critters are inevitable. I see they make something like this to keep dogs and cats from chewing cords, but has anyone ever bought something like this for mice? We are working on better securing the garage where I think those little beasts got in but I want to be very proactive in this if possible.
Anon
What about the hard plastic 3-sided cord covers/tubing used in offices?
Anon
Maybe something like a dryer vent that’s very flexible that you could run the cord through? Stupid mice. They’re the worst.
cookie monster
Yes, this exact product exists, and we’ve used it to keep puppies from chewing on cords. Search on Amazon for Split Wire Loom Tubing Wire Conduit – it’s basically a flexible but hard-ish shell that you can cover cords with to protect from babies, mice, pets, etc. chewing.
Senior Attorney
Definitely run it through some conduit. Effing rodents, man…
Anon
Ask the installer to rodent-proof the cord. They will have dealt with this issue before.
Anon
Sounds more like a rat. A mouse is tiny and unlikely to be able to chew through a heavy-duty electrical cord.
Anon 2.0
I think it was a combination of the mouse chewing the cord and sliding the range in and out to check the mouse trap. I think the constant moving may have torn the cord after the mouse started to chew it.
Abby
Please dress me! I work in finance, we have a suite to a 70s rock band in a few weeks with clients. The rest of my colleagues attending are men
Anon
Dark wash jeans, graphic tee, and a leather jacket.
Senior Attorney
And stompy boots.
Anon
I would do black pants and a black sweater or blouse. With that, you can fit in if everyone’s dressed business casual or in concert attire. Maybe a leather jacket you can carry with you?
Anonymous
I would do black shirt and black pants or dark jeans with my ankle lace up/Doc Martin type boots. I wouldn’t do a graphic tee because that just isn’t me, and I wouldn’t wear one to a concert I’m attending for fun.
Anonymous
Anyone have experience with Equinox (or a similar type of gym)? I’m trying to motivate myself to work out more, but am not sure if it’s worth it to join…
Equinox
Late response, but yes, I have been a member of Equinox for 15 years, though I recently let my membership go as I really got into Peloton workouts at home. When I originally signed up, it was because it was one of the only gyms that had locations near both my home and office, so it was very convenient. Over time, other gyms opened up and I certainly could have saved some money going to them instead, but I really loved Equinox. They were the only gym that offered towels and the spaces were always clean and being cleaned. Also the only gym I never had to wait for a treadmill for. All this said, I have always been a gym person, so I never had trouble being motivated to go, and the cost was worth it to me. If your issue is motivation, it’s worth looking at what actually motivates you, and then seeing whether equinox has that.