Coffee Break: Infinite Tusk Earrings

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1. Newbie with a thread jack: I am taking my first deposition tomorrow. Any words of wisdom?

   1. Newbie with a thread jack: I am taking my first deposition tomorrow. Any words of wisdom?

      1. Try not to start with “and” or “so” either. Harder than it sounds!

   2. Prepare (I’m sure you’ve done that).

      Go slow. Pauses don’t show up on the transcript.

      Let the witness read the exhibits and familiarize themelves with them before you start asking questions about them.

      Give yourself five minutes at the end to make sure you’ve asked about everything you want to ask about before you conclude.

      Bring a business card for the court reporter.

      Bring extra copies of exhibits.

      Be nice to the witness.

      (As for the okay thing, its best not to do it because it does show up on a transcript, but honestly, when reading transcipts, I see it more often than not, from good and experienced attorneys. )

      1. Bring a copy of the case caption as well for the court reporter.

   3. Remember that silence does not appear on the transcript. If you want a person to say more, just sit and wait – often, they will get nervous and start talking to fill up the time. If they’re giving you a list of things, always follow up with “and what else?” until they’re very clear that they’ve said everything that they can.

      Good luck! It’s scary at first, but you’ll do great.

      1. + 1000 to this

   4. All of these comment’s about takeing depo’s are great, and I can NOT add alot to them. One thing NOT mentioned that I was told 3 thing’s by the manageing partner is — and this is a little bit sexist but onley applies to women like me when takeing the depo’s: These are that 1) when you are takeing the EBT of a man, wear nice clotheing that does NOT show anything, but can get him distracted enough so that mabye he will slip up; 2) The second rule is alway’s to schmoozze with both him and his legal counsil before the EBT, again to soften them up, and 3)the third rule is when you ask a question, look the deponent up and down (the way they do us on the street) and do NOT hesitate to cross and uncross our leg’s. Is this sexist? Of course, but does it work? Generaly yes, when you are dealing with a MAN. When you are deposeing a woman, another set of rules apply which center around 1) dressing very conserveatively, so as NOT to enrage the deponent or get them jelous that you are attractive; 2) always look them ONLEY in the eye — which can unnerve them and cause them to lose foccus, and 3) be courtyous to the woman when comeing in or leaveing, askeing her if she needs to use the ladie’s room, which you can show her.

      There are alot of EBT’s I’ve done where they have made enough mistakes that I was abel to get a quick setttelment from rather then goieng to trial. But the most important thing is to RELAX and realise that whatever you forget about you can always clean up at trial, if they want to get that far. Most of the plaintiff’s I deal with are men and they nearly all wind up setteleing. YAY!

   5. Listen. If you’re new and nervous, the greatest risk is that the witness will say something interesting but you won’t hear it and therefore won’t ask the follow-up because you’re so focused on the next question on your list. What helps me is to think about it as a conversation about a topic on which I’ll be quizzed later. Sure, I want some good sound-bites and yes/no answers to a few key, well-crafted questions, but I also want to make sure I get all the information there is. You don’t want to look at the transcript later and realize there’s this question hanging out there that you never got to ask.

   6. I’m going to add: know your jurisdiction’s rules on objections. Federal court, there are no speaking objections allowed. Don’t let your opponent try to bully you by making lots of objections that they are not allowed to make. Don’t be combative, but be firm. The more you know . . . if they are making improper objections and you know the rules, you have the power.

   7. Agree with all the advice above. Also: bring the phone number for the judge/clerk so that you can call (or threaten to call) him/her if the defending attorney is being unreasonable or obstructionist.

      Definitely go slow and listen to the answer. If you have LiveNote, don’t be shy about looking at it or (my preference) just ask the court reporter to read the answer back. Be conscious of trying to get a good clean record (i.e., Q then A without any intervening objections) particularly for soundbites that you think will be important on summary judgment or at trial.

      This is your deposition, so control the environment. Make sure the video looks good (actually look through the camera or at the screen) so that if you get to trial, you have useable clips. Get there early so you can pick where you want to sit.

      One partner’s advice to me when I took my first depo: You can’t lose a case by taking a bad deposition. So don’t stress too much! Good luck!

   8. You guys are awesome! Thanks much for the great advice! I have so many butterflies and will be so happy when this is over!

      1. Did you/your firm hire the court reporter? For my first deposition we had hired the court reporter so I pulled her aside before it and said, look this is my first deposition. Please give me a heads up if there is anything I’m doing wrong or should do, etc. She was great in just being very clear with me – ok, you can start questioning now, hold on let me mark those exhibits first, etc.

   9. Be ready with the “standard admonition” for the court reporter at the end. So and so will mail the transcript, witness will have X days to review and make changes, and then has to send the signed original to…” It varies, but make sure you are ready with one just in case.

      Stick to your outline. Explore information if something the deponent says is relevant, but stay grounded in our outline and don’t let “weird” answers throw you. If you think it is important enough to come back to, make a note and develop that line of questioning during a break either on paper or in your head.

      Everything else has already been said, so good luck!

   10. Blergh! It hurts my brain to read this. I’m not a lawyer, but was recently deposed for the first time and it was brutal (I’m a named defendent in a frivolous class action suit). It is hard for me to think that the person doing it was human, let alone that he could have been nervous about it!

2. Is there a certain kind of double sided tape that you are supposed to use to fake-hem a dress? I’m renting the runway and anticipate that i’ll need to take a couple inches off a floor-length dress. Will plain old office supply double sided tape do or do I need something special?

   1. Fashion Tape? I feel like I’ve seen it at Target?

   2. I have used regular double stick tape, but I find the fashion tape works really well, I buy it from Amazon: “Hollywood Fashion Tape” But i have also seen it in the impulse buy section at Old Navys.

      A couple inches is kind of a lot to hold up with tape, though, I haven’t tried a job that big. I’d be worried it would either gather weirdly, or it would sag and fall down through the night. Maybe if you very gently ironed the hem where you want it first, using a towel between the dress and the iron to keep from damaging the fabric, and then taped it? I don’t know, maybe others have suggestions about that.

      1. Yes this is exactly what I would do. Iron (or use your flat-iron – it works amazingly well for this kind of thing) and then use fashion tape. I think the brand I use is also called Hollywood Fashion Tape (it has a pink label). It’ll probably be sticky enough to hold up your dress. Make sure to put some extra tape in your purse just in case and get ready with lots of time because sometimes the taping process takes a while.

      2. You may have to use several rows of tape to hold up the fabric. I am a big fan of fusible hem tape, but it’s not always cleanly removed.

   3. Rent the runway lets you add on fashion tape and even hem strips. Their customer service is amazing; even if you’ve already placed your order, contact them and they will probably let you add it on. It’s under the “essentials” section of their site.

   4. You can find hem tape — iron and no-iron — in a fabric/sewing store and probably in the sewing section of a store like WalMart. I applied no-iron to my pants this morning in an emergency — took about 10 min — and it is holding up extremely well, but they are a lightweight fabric. I’ve never used Fashion Tape, but it may be exactly the same thing.

      1. If you go in the sewing section, make sure you get the non-permanent type!

3. Does anyone have experience with dealing with an autistic parent? Any wisdom on how to handle conflicts w/an autistic parent would be greatly appreciated.

   1. I think we need a little more info…is this your parent? Where on the autism spectrum is the individual? Does the conflict stem from a lack of understanding because of the autism, or something unrelated?

   2. An appointment with a behavioral therapist?

4. Anyone have any recommendations on how to delay/defer a conversation about being exclusive with someone you have been on several dates with but are just not sure about yet? I really like the guy but have some real reservations about compatibility, and I know this conversation is going to happen likely this weekend or next week sometime based on some very direct comments from him. I’m obviously prepared that he might pull the parachute cord if I tell him that I’m just not ready to take that step, but I’d like some great way to boost his confidence while still avoiding taking the step of affirmatively cutting off the possibility of meeting other people, if at all possible. For context, he is several years older than me and we are both in our 30s, so I tend to think that the label is something that should be reserved for more serious relationships than I would have in my 20s.

   1. So I have some thoughts on this:
      1) I don’t think there’s a good way to delay a conversation that another person wants to have. When there are things that are unsaid, it tends to be the elephant in a room which is never good generally but especially in a new relationship.

      2) I think you can just say exactly what you said here: I really like you but I’m just not ready to take that step yet. I enjoy spending time with you and I hope we can continue to do so.

      3) Maybe I’m wrong but just because you’re in an exclusive relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in a serious relationship. I understand wanting to keep your options open but if you decide you’re ready to see him exclusively, don’t put extra pressure on yourself re the seriousness of the relationship.

      Hope that helps!

   2. And just because you’re exclusive doesn’t mean you can’t *meet* other people. It’s not marriage. You can break up later. (You can also break up marriage, but it’s more complicated.)

   3. Surely the most ethical thing to do is just tell him the truth? “I really like you, but I have some reservations about our compatibility, and so I am not willing to be exclusive with you yet.” Why is it more complicated than that? OTOH, if you know for a fact he’s not “exclusive” material, you need to let him know that, too. Isn’t that what you would want and expect from a man in the opposite position?
      Ultimately, the most confidence-shaking thing is to be strung along when the other just wasn’t feeling it. If it isn’t there, make a clean break and act like you trust him to handle it well, because he’s awesome like that.

      1. +1 It sounds like you’re not looking for the same thing out of the relationship.

      2. Seattleite! So glad to see you posting. :-)

         And I like your direct approach. I think it’s kinder on the other person.

         1. +1. Hope you’re doing well!

   4. I agree generally that the direct approach is best, here’s why: right now, you have all the control, yet you are the one know isn’t sure about the situation. He doesn’t know this and may be going for it all guns blazing (of course he may also be feeling aloof).

      As someone who had this conversation after a year (yes, a year) of dating by calling out the other person and not getting the answer I wanted, I would rather have known at the start so as not to waste all that time. I appreciate that you don’t want to lose the potential, but if you are dating other people and he isn’t because he thinks you are exclusive, that’s not great. Alternatively, he may also be feeling unsure and welcome the conversation.

      So basically what Seattleite said and I should have just said ‘agree’ on that advice :)

   5. Thanks, ladies. I agree the direct approach is probably best. It’s not that I am seeing anyone else right now or that I don’t think he could be exclusive material, it’s just that I don’t know yet because it’s super early and he seems to be bringing this up much more quickly than anyone I have ever dated. I don’t want to be unkind by jumping in and then a few months down the line deciding that I shouldn’t have in the first place… I don’t want to waste his time or mine.

5. TJ — warning: it’s a downer.

   So the other day I was thisclose to having a major meltdown in the office, which isn’t good. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety in the past (feelings that I’m not good enough, lack of motivation to get up and do anything, constant refrains in my head that I’ll never amount to anything — it’s lots o’ fun), so I finally called a therapist and made an appointment today. Bonus: she’s also certified in eating disorders, since I’m the largest I’ve ever been ever, which doesn’t help on the whole self-esteem issue. (Thanks, incurable disease + treatments for said disease + all those feelings above + food issues since childhood).

   Sorry for being a downer, but I’m trying to pat myself on the back for actually calling a therapist and making an appointment, since it took me a month (and many excuses) to do.

   Any advice for the first appointment?

   1. Congratulations on realizing that some outside help can be useful and getting it. I spent years feeling the way you feel. And many many meltdowns at the office later (we’re talking several meltdowns per week; thank goodness my office had a door that locked), I had to take a leave of absence from my job. Only then did I get help. Good for you for not letting it go so far down the road, and good luck with the beginning of your recovery process.

   2. Good for you making the appointment. And don’t worry if you cry through the whole first appointment. Therapists expect that. And don’t apologize for it! Try not to have huge expectations for what you will “accomplish” in that first appointment. It’s more about telling your story and filling in the therapist about what the problems are. They will ask questions to prompt you and you’ll go from there.

      Good luck! Great first step.

   3. I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been going through, but you *do* deserve those pats on the back for making the appointment. Congratulations on taking the step!

      Know that it is totally okay to walk into the appointment and have a major meltdown. When I was in your shoes, feeling anxious about my first appointment, a very smart friend told me to try to write down all the things that I wanted to bring up during the session. I brought it in with me and just handed it over to the therapist while I bawled. (I think this is also what my friend had done.)

   4. After the poster yesterday who has to put her dog down this weekend, I really braced myself when you said this was a downer TJ. But… this is wonderful news!! Good work!! Making the first appointment is the hardest part (IMO). That’s fantastic that your therapist is certified in ED if you feel you need help in that area. Just remember, just like a doctor, you’re paying this person to help you. When you go to the doctor, you don’t have to do anything — they take the lead and examine you. Similarly, let yourself be calm in the knowledge that the therapist knows how to “examine” you and don’t feel a burden to speak any more than you’re comfortable. Obviously, the more you say, the more they can help you, but if you just want to cry (or just sit!) that’s fine too. Congrats on taking the first step toward getting better!

   5. 1. Remember that it doesn’t matter whether he/she likes you – it only matters whether you feel comfortable with him/her. And you -must- be, because…
      2. Therapy is way more effective if you tell the absolute truth to your therapist.
      3. Write down your biggest goals for therapy, and to the extent you know what they are, your biggest obstacles. It doesn’t have to be an essay, just a line or two. That way, if you dissolve into tears at your first appointment, you can just hand the therapist the paper and sob for a bit while the therapist thinks of leading questions.
      Here’s to happier and healthier days ahead!

      1. This is excellent advice. Cheers to you for taking steps to feel better!

   6. GOOD FOR YOU!!!! (sorry, but this deserves caps) and huge Internet Pat On The Back. Making that first appointment is a huge deal, you are awesome, good job! I *have* actually had breakdowns at work, and I’ve still been putting off making an appointment for a couple of years, so you are awesome, you do you.

      And definitely don’t worry about crying in your first appointment, they are totally used to that. I agree with the writing things down, so you can hand it to the therapist if you can’t talk at first. You’ll be good, it is a good first step no matter what happens. Hope you feel better soon!

   7. What you just accomplished is huge. You recognized there was something really off-kilter about your current situation, and made a key first-step in addressing the situation.

      The therapist is should provide you at least two things — (1) a safe space to discuss and release your emotions. Meltdowns are OK. That’s part of their job. (2) guidelines and tools for you to work on and bring the tough issues under control so you can improve the quality of your life.

      If the therapist is not supportive, or doesn’t seem to have the right vibe for you, don’t feel obligated to stay. As others have said, the first visit is for you to suss out that therapist’s style and look to see how the two of you can work together. You’re basically putting the therapist in a first-round interview. Therapy isn’t cheap, so it should be helping you. If you don’t think it is, you don’t owe it to that therapist to keep staying.

      After you’ve gone past the first session, depending on how you feel, it may be helpful to set certain goalposts — the issues you discuss aren’t neatly packageable, discrete things that can be solved by X date, but it’s still important that you make progress. I know too many good people who’ve gone to the wrong therapist, who end up going and going and making no progress after many years, which became frustrating and yet, they felt like they had too much history with that therapist to leave. One can forestall that w/ some goalposts laid out early on so they know you want results.

      1. +1 to all the advice here and all of the Internet Pats on the Back. It’s never a mistake to take care of yourself.

6. I love these earrings. I wish they were cheaper.

7. Help! I just got braces to fix some crooked teeth that have bothered me forever and am finding it impossible to eat anything but soup. Please tell me that and the food trapped in my braces gets better. Any other tips to survive the next 6-9 months?

   On a happier note, I just got a note requesting an interview for what could be a dream job!

   1. Food trapped won’t get better. Carry a travel toothbrush and paste with you everywhere and you may want to eat sandwiches only when blissfully alone because trust me, it is disgusting.

      Pain WILL get better. Have you taken Tylenol or ibuprofen? Figure out which works best and then be sure to take it 1 hour before each tightening, and for 24-48 hours after.

      Insist on a retainer when you get them off and wear it every night, or you’ll be back in braces in 10 years!

      Hope that helps, and hope the teefies feel better soon.

      1. +1 Wear your retainer. I regret not wearing mine more/longer/always/forever.

         1. +2. Especially if you plan on being pregnant in the future. I didn’t keep up with my retainer and my teeth moved so much while I was pregnant that it undid all the hard work from my braces during childhood. Now I’m stuck in Invisalign.

   2. There are little tiny toothbrushes that almost look like toothpicks — one end is a pick and the other end is a miniature brush — that you could keep with you all the time. Whenever you finish eating, have a sip of water and swish it around your mouth to get a first pass at that food. Always carry a pocket mirror so you can check your teeth. Don’t be shy about excusing yourself at the end of a meal to check your teeth. Good luck! And congrats on the interview!

   3. I had braces and trust me, the time when you first get them on are the absolute worst days. You will soon be able to eat and drink just about anything with them once your teeth adjust. If you hate the trapped bits of food feeling, a Water Pik machine will do wonders, but brushing often will probably do just as good a job. Can you tell me what an in-house lawyer considers to be their “dream job”? I thought being in-house was itself a dream job (speaking as a law firm lawyer who has to track every d-mn hour).

      1. Thanks for the advice everyone!

         Hollis, dream job = move from a large corporation far from home to GC of a much smaller company much closer to home.

         1. Leaving the SV?! Blasphemy!

   4. I recently had braces (to fix some stuff that didn’t get taken care of when I had them as a teenager) and the first month or so I felt like EVERYTHING stuck in my teeth. I promise that feeling goes away (and it never looks as bad as it feels). To deal with it in the meantime, I’d recommend getting interdental picks or brushes (avoiding links for moderation, but look for things like the G-U-M Soft Picks) from the dental section of a drugstore- they are basically mini-toothbrushes that fit in your pocket like a chapstick. I used to always carry a few with me and just pop into a restroom after I ate to quickly clean my teeth.

      In addition to soup, when my braces were hurting I lived off smoothies (my favorite is 1 cup dark chocolate almond milk, 1 frozen banana, 2 tbsp peanut butter, and a handful of ice – chocolate peanut butter banana smoothie!), cottage cheese, apple sauce, creamed spinach & corn, various spreads (peanut butter, hummus, etc.) on soft bread (cut into tiny pieces), mashed potatoes (with our without cheese), various forms of rice (cooking rice in coconut broth and milk makes it very soft but also filling), and cereal (cheerios in milk, if you can stand them a little soggy, are a nice change from soup).

      Good luck – once it’s over I’m sure you’ll look great and it will all be worth it!

8. I have an event tonight that matches young professionals with arts organization that are looking for board members, and while I want to be more involved in arts organizations- I really do care about the arts- I’m also really nervous to go by myself.

   I don’t fit the “art” aesthetic, and I’m worried I’ll spend the whole night hiding in a corner alone because I don’t fit in. I should still go right?

   1. Yes, go! I go to these events by myself and usually find people to talk to (and I am a strong introvert). If you really can’t strike up conversation with anyone after approaching them and trying, and you truly feel terrible, you can always leave after twenty minutes. Also, there are plenty of people who don’t fit the arty aesthetic and who still care about the arts – these people are probably great candidates for arts boards.

   2. Go. You meet the biggest criteria, which is willingness to serve on the board. Having a variety of people is a good thing. I got some great advice about board service a few weeks ago (I think it was the morning thread on 9/20) and it helped me get over my feeling that I don’t have skills to offer a board.

   3. If it is an event for young professionals, you are probably exactly going to fit in with the rest of the crowd!! Also, if it is a good event, it will be designed to engage everyone and get people talking to each other. So, go! I’m 90% sure you will have a great time, and getting on a board is a great way to make new friends!

   4. I wish there was an event like this in my area! I did go to a training session (“boot camp”) on how to serve on a nonprofit board. I went by myself and it was a great experience. Most of the participants were smart, together women in all kinds of industries. (It was almost like a Corporette meet-up!)

9. For any of you ‘r e t t e s in the Inland Empire area of So. Cal, there is a JC Penny Outlet at Ontario Mills and they’re going out of business. I just picked up 3 dresses that are clearly Talbot’s (tags are cut, but you can tell where they came from) for about $10 each. I also got 4 J. Jill tops for $6 bucks each.

10. Ladies, I just finished reading Dave Eggers’ The Circle (see link below) and I found it viscerally disturbing. Parts of it made me ill. It raises the question of “Where do you draw the line?” My mom and I just had this discussion.

    If there is a ‘r e t t e book club, I think this book should be part of it:
    http://www.amazon.com/The-Circle-ebook/dp/B00EGMQIJ0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1381448541&sr=8-1&keywords=dave+eggers+the+circle

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