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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 185 Comments · by

Wednesday’s TPS Report: Cowl Neck Tulle Tank

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Gaultier Cowl Neck Tulle TankNordstrom's designer clearance sale has some sick sales, even in our price range for Wednesday TPS reports ($100-$150). Lots of great basics in lucky sizes (love this Akris basic white tank in sizes 12-16, this Caroline Issa pencil skirt, this black Helmut Lang knit top in lots of sizes) — the one I'm featuring is this bright, happy cowl neck sweater from Jean Paul Gaultier. I love the feather weight, the fact that it's hand washable, and, of course, the color. It was $325, but is now marked to $110. Gaultier Cowl Neck Tulle Tank Here's a more affordable option, and here's a similar option in plus sizes. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

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Comments

  1. MJ

    Quick question–has anyone ever flown with a pet in the cabin on a plane? I am getting a puppy in a few weeks and I need to pick her up. I am not sure how to book her “pet ticket.” Apparently United charges $125 for the privilege. Do I have to book by phone?

    Also–how does one do pet potty breaks? Are there such a thing as puppy diapers?

    Thanks, Hive. You are always a font of wisdom.

    • anonymous

      I’m not sure this is a great idea. Pets who fly are generally crate trained and housebroken. I’d be concerned about making this work if your puppy isn’t either of these.

      Congrats on your new puppy :)

    • Anonymous

      You don’t fly with a puppy!!!!! You fly with a dog you have trained not to use the bathroom until it is outside.

    • Anon

      Yeah…so there is no such thing as “pet potty breaks” with a puppy. They pee everywhere, whenever the urge hits, until they are trained. And poop. It’s unavoidable. Even taking my puppy outside every 45 minutes during waking hours, he still had accidents in the house all the time until he was trained.

      Can you drive instead?

    • emeralds

      I will chime in and agree that I can’t see how flying with a puppy is a good idea. Puppies aren’t housebroken and I think they have a lot more potential to be disruptive in the cabin since they don’t know social norms like not barking, whining, chewing, etc. Sedatives are also a no-no because of the potential for respiratory problems at high altitudes. I see a road trip in your future.

    • lawyr

      Flying in the cabin with a new puppy sounds like a recipe for disaster – both for the puppy and the other passengers. Plus, you need a vet certificate clearing the pet to fly in most cases, and I doubt a vet will issue that for a puppy that likely won’t have completed its vaccinations.

      I think this is a situation where you drive, or find a dog that is nearby (though my strong preference is always for adopting from a shelter or rescue group rather than breeders).

      • MJ

        I’m getting a labradoodle from a breeder we know. I have to get a doodle due to severe allergies and asthma. I definitely support rescue groups though!

        Apparently you don’t need papers if the dog is not going internationally. I will check with the breeder. The puppy will have her first set of shots.

          • MJ

            Do you have my allergies? I am diagnosed allergic–5++ on the stab test scale. I sneeze and get itchy eyes when I am around other dogs. I can sleep with my family’s labradoodle, who is from the same breeder.

            This breeder is reputable and has been breeding F2 labradoodles for many years. It’s not a mutt. It’s the product of two labradoodles, each of whom have bloodlines right back to labs and poodles.

          • KT

            Keep in mind, not all labradoodles are hypoallergenic–at all. Even dogs from the same litter can have very different coats with different allergen-stimulating qualities.

            And yes, labradoodles are mutts. 2 labradoodles=mutt

          • TBK

            We have a labradoodle we got because of my husband’s allergies and asthma. He has had absolutely no reaction to the dog we’ve had now for five years. We’re extremely happy with our decision.

          • Jax

            I am also allergic (itchy scratchy bumps, sneezing, sinus issues) around dogs and cats. I looked into a Labradoodle and learned that what makes the Labradoodle so allergy-friendly is the Poodle line. I stumbled onto a snooty Poodle forum where the members said, “People are so stupid about the -doodle craze. All of the good features they want come from the poodle!”

            I’m now the owner of a beautiful, intelligent, sweet-tempered Standard Poodle. She was the mom of the litter and a former show dog (she didn’t win–haha). If you find a good breeder in your area, you could pick a puppy locally or even hit the right time when the owner is ready to re-home an adult.

        • meme

          I hate it when people bring their pets on planes. All of them. Because I am allergic to them. All of them. I have never met a “hypoallergenic” pet that I am not allergic too. It’s misery in a plane cabin. And if you’re sitting next to me I may have to stab myself with my Epi-pen.

          • "Allergies" PSA

            Seconding this. I will be straining my lungs (they have to last the rest of my life, so every episode that strains them takes years off their utility) and wheezing and coughing just to breathe and won’t be able to smell or breathe through my nose if your puppy is on my plane. It can take several weeks or months for that episode to resolve once it is triggered. And yes, I take several daily meds. And yes, I take extra before I take public transportation. And yes, if I see a pet I try to stay far away. But no, when I see your pet on my plane, I don’t think “cute little puppy,” I think, “how will my body survive this, do I have access to healthcare and why is her cuteness more important than my health?”

          • Pass the Peanuts

            I’ll third that. I once somehow got on a plane that had three cats and a dog on board. I am horrifyingly allergic to cats, and only slightly less so for dogs. By the end of the 5 hour flight (!!!), I couldn’t breathe, my eyes were bright red and running, and I sounded like I had bronchitis. To add insult to injury, there were no peanuts because someone on board had a peanut allergy!

            When I mentioned this to the flight attendant, she said they suggest that anyone with pet allergies travel with an epi-pen. I even asked if I could call in advance regarding my allergy, and she said they don’t do that. For this very reason, I’m terrified of flying.

    • Wildkitten

      How long is the flight? Airports have pet relief areas. Puppies can sleep in a small travel crate.

        • Anonymous

          Srsly? This is really inappropriate. You hope? No. It’s completely unacceptable to fly with an untrained dog. Completely. Cancel your order and work with a breeder who is actually near you, or drive. End of story.

          • Anon

            Yeah…I’m not trying to pile on here, but you are looking at a 5 (6?) hour flight with a whimpering, confused puppy covered in its own urine and poo because it will mess in its crate multiple times. I’m not trying to be a naysayer (I got my puppy at 7 weeks, puppies are awesome), but even being home with him for most of the day and taking him outside ALL THE TIME, he still had a bath almost daily from the messes.

        • cc

          oh my god- this honestly feels so cruel to the puppy! please dont do this- its going to be so awful for her.

          • Anonymous

            This is why I believe reputable breeder is an oxymoron. Some are worse than others for sure but at the end of the day they’re all about the profit.

        • emeralds

          NO. There is no way a cross-country flight is appropriate and I cannot believe a reputable breeder would permit this. If you won’t listen to us, talk to a vet who is not connected to your breeder. I seriously–cannot. No puppy is going to sleep through a cross-country flight and it’s probably going to be extremely traumatic for the poor baby. I was saying no when I thought this would be a three or four hour flight; there is NO WAY you take a puppy on a plan from Portland to Boston.

          • KT

            Yeah, I show dogs and know great breeders–not a single reputable breeder would ever allow a puppy this age to fly. It’s nothing but traumatic and potentially physically harmful.

        • Chronic Overachiever

          Very bad idea. I frequently fly between Seattle and Boston with my dog, but she is trained. I did not fly with her before she was fully trained.

          Also, for the record, when I picked up my puppy from the breeder there was a warming up period. She was nervous in my car, in my house and it took her time to adjust. I could not imagine bringing her on a plane!

          • anonymous

            +1 to the warming up period. I drove mine home 15 min away and it was several days before he was comfortable with me.

      • MJ

        Also, for the record, this breeder does fully potty train the dogs, but a 6 hour flight will def be too long for a puppy bladder. The other dog my family has from this breeder was potty trained from the day she arrived.

        • Anonymous

          Right, so she is just going to wet in her carrier which will be very, very upsetting to her. Please don’t do this. If you have to use this breeder please do a road trip. I would honestly be beside myself if the person near me had a terrified puppy on the plane for 6 hours.

          • A Nonny Moose

            Very upsetting and could undo all the work on crate/house training that the breeder put into her. The crate needs to be a positive place for her and to go through this trauma (and peeing and etc all over it) will totally unravel that work, especially at such a young age.

        • Anonny

          Get a flight with a layover (or two!). In August I’m getting home from Seattle to Boston on Southwest via Milwaukee. Reasonable price relative to other options, too.

          • AttiredAttorney

            This is the only scenario I see even slightly working. Potentially three short (sub two hour) flights to make the trip might not completely terrify and scar your new puppy. I still think you’re going to see serious crate/training regression as a result of confining her for that long and forcing her to defecate in the crate.

        • Scarlett

          A friend of mine is a dog breeder and it’s common and recommended to pick up your pup and fly with it under your seat if you’re going cross country. Voice of dissent here. Just talk to your breeder for tips – she wouldn’t have you come get the puppy if she wasn’t ready to fly.

          • Anonymous

            No one is saying there aren’t some breeders out there who would allow this–but reputable breeders who truly care for their dogs would never allow it. Ever. This is nothing but traumatizing for a pup.

            Of COURSE breeders would recommend this. It’s a great way to get more money from people across the country. If the puppy is terrified, poops all over itself, and is forever scared of crates and new people, so what? they got their money.

        • KT

          Right, so it’s not potty trained–not in the sense that 6 hours is okay. This will be incredibly hard on the puppy.

    • bridget

      I’ve flown with my cat about a half-dozen times (i.e. a half-dozen one-way trips). I pack extra Sherpa liners in case he has an accident, a small bowl that I can fill with water that fits in his Sherpa, and a small amount of food in my carry-on in case the flight is really delayed. The extra liners have never been needed; however, adult cats are much better at the whole potty-training thing than are puppies.

      I’ve found that sedatives only make things worse, because it stresses him out to be sedated (if that sounds odd, it’s because of the way the sedatives work), then he’s stressed because he’s not in control of himself in a really scary situation. He’s much better off when I just put him in his Sherpa with a familiar fuzzy toy.

      JetBlue and Southwest both charge less for flying with pets, but limit the number of pets in the cabin.

    • anonymous

      Also remember that it’s scary for animals to be in unfamiliar surroundings. If she’s crate trained, the crate really helps with that. If she’s not crate trained, then it’s even scarier to be stuck in a crate. Seriously, this is cruel in a lot of ways. Please don’t do this.

      • moss

        not to mention the trauma of the takeoff and landing and planes are really noisy.

      • KT

        This…I have a service dog who has traveled on planes for me. It takes extensive training to make take off/landing/boarding anything but horrifying to a dog.

        For a young puppy who is already terrified about losing his mom and littermates? Utter trauma.

    • PJ

      You have to call the airline to book the puppy’s ticket – they only allow so many carry-on pets per flight. You will also need a health certificate from a vet showing that the puppy has its shots. There is info on United’s website. http://www.united.com/web/en-US/content/travel/animals/in_cabin.aspx. I have done it several times. If you have some time with the puppy before the flight, play by rolling a ball into the travel bag repeatedly so the dog will go in and get it. I did this with my first dog and it helped her get used to the travel bag. You’ll have to take the puppy’s collar off and carry her through security as the collar and bag have to be screened. And even though you are paying for the dog’s space, it still counts as one of your carryons.

    • Bonnie

      I agree that this is a bad idea. Another thing to consider is that a labradoodle will be too big to go under the seat and will have to go in the cargo hold. The cargo hold is not air-conditioned and many airlines will not transport animals during the hot months.

      • MJ

        This is a puppy–she’s not too big–she’ll be under ten pounds! And no pets in cargo in the summer–that’s totally unsafe!

        • anon

          Well obviously she won’t be that big, but how big do you think her carrier will be?

          You’ve gotten a good reality check on this thread. You haven’t given this much thought- at all.

          • MJ

            My breeder does this all the time–I think flying in cargo would be way more traumatic than being in someone’s lap. I guess I will speak with her about it further. Not feeling support from the hive at all. Cargo is not an option because it’s summer.

          • Anonymous

            Yeah the hive is not supportive because this is a terrible plan. The solution isn’t cargo. No one is suggesting that. The solution is not getting this dog. Of course the breeder says it is fine. That is how she makes money.

          • Anon

            You asked if anyone has experience and some specific questions on logistics. And people responded to tell you that, honestly, this isn’t a great idea. You can’t be mad at them for giving honest feedback.

            It would be as if I wrote to say that my clear lurex 5 inch heels were making clicking noises when I walk down my law firm hallways, and does anyone have suggestions for making the shoes more quiet? Maybe something my cobbler could affix to the sole and heel tap? I would imagine that I’d get a lot of people telling me not to wear gogo dancin’ shoes to the office, rather than the advice I’d actually requested. Sometimes you can’t see your own bad ideas for what they are.

          • cc

            How could we support such a terrible plan? You have received good advice- you can’t do this until she is older. You should fly there, and take a road trip. Your comment that you are “hoping she sleeps” shows you have no experience with puppies. We are trying to stop you from make a decision that could potentially impact your relationship with this dog for years. It will be an upsetting trip for you, the puppy, and the passengers around you. No one has suggested cargo as an option- but what you are proposing is pretty similar in its awfulness.

          • lawyr

            MJ, it’s clear you’re not going to listen to any of us, but this is a terrible idea and you shouldn’t do it. Why ask the question if you don’t want to hear the advice? If it were really true that your breeder lets people do this all the time for a 6-hour flight with a puppy, the breeder doesn’t have their dogs’ best interests in mind and you should be looking elsewhere. But no reputable breeder would be okay with this.

          • anon

            I’m not saying cargo is better. I’m saying your plan is bad and that crates may not be big enough to fit under seats. I’m not sure why you think the hive is supposed to set ethical treatment of animals and logic and common sense aside just to support you. That’s not how this works.

          • Chronic Overachiever

            The dog will NOT be in your lap. It will have to remain in the carrier at all times.

          • Anonymous

            There are certainly flaws in this plan, but saying the dog physically will not fit under the seat is just piling on with a fake concern. My adult doodle is 15 pounds and while I don’t fly with him because he is too anxious, size is not an issue. He easily fits in airline-compliant carriers. You don’t use a “crate” for flying, you use something like this: http://www.amazon.com/OxGord%C2%AE-Carrier-Comfort-Airline-Approved/dp/B00KALX09M/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1435764909&sr=8-3&keywords=puppy+carrier

          • Anonymous

            And that carrier must remain under the seat at all times. This is a terrible idea, and sad because it shows someone completely clueless about having a dog bounding into a very big decision that will impact not only the dog owner but also the dog. There are local breeders. Find one.

          • Anonymous

            MJ, she can’t be in your lap. I’ve flown my dog a lot and they must stay in the crate from the time they enter the airport until they leave (I.e. 8+ hours for a 6 hour flight). Nice flight attendants will let you have their head sticking out but they cannot be in your lap. Please rethink this.

        • Bonnie

          Even under the seat, it’s cruel to keep a puppy locked in a dark 19 x 10 x 13 container sitting in its pee and poop for 6 hours. And incredibly rude to the other passengers.

      • Anonymous

        NO ONE is suggesting flying it cargo…everyone is saying YOU CANNOT FLY A PUPPY.

        • Anon

          Besides the trauma to the puppy, please think of the other passengers, who will be smelling its shit for 6 hours. OMG.

          • "Allergies" PSA

            I won’t be smelling the poop — or anything else. Because I will be having a sinus attack courtesy of the cuteness now squirming off its owner’s lap and down the aisle at me like a bomb.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Think twice about doing anything that could possibly traumatize a puppy or you might mess them up for life psychologically. We had a rescue puppy who was already a little off. Our friends didn’t know we had a puppy and showed up at our BBQ setting off fireworks. We didn’t know what was going on so we got a little nervous and there was some yelling. Drunk idiots running around shooting fireworks at each other. My dog is now 10 and still not over it. She is petrified of thunder or fireworks and shakes when they happen. She still remembers the guys that brought the fire works and even though they are 10 years older and mature now, when they come to our house she hides and cowers. They feel awful about it but no amount of formal training or treats or petting from these guys has made her come around to them. You don’t want your puppy, who doesn’t know you yet, associating you with all the scary things that happen on a plane. The puppy might not bond with you after that.

    • Carrie M

      I’ll offer a different perspective: our breeder flew our dog from Wisconsin to the East Coast with one layover, so I think the flights were about 2 hours each. We paid for her flights and for a hotel in our city. She was definitely better equipped to know how to handle a puppy on a crowded flight and in crowded airports than we were as (1) first-time dog owners (though we both grew up with dogs as kids) and (2) having only met the puppy once. Could you offer to pay for the breeder to fly the puppy to you?

      On the dog having to relieve himself: our breeder had 2 changes of clothes for herself and several of those dog pee pads with her. She had a small crate for him with a pad in there, but he apparently spent part (or most) of the flights snuggled sleeping on her lap, with a pad underneath him. He was a big tinkler when he got excited or nervous.

      Good luck! And congrats on the new puppy!

      • Anonymous

        Except dogs are not permitted to snuggle in laps on flights. They must remain in their carriers. I honestly do not understand why people need to get dogs cross country. If you cannot figure out a reasonable way to get a puppy home, that is not your puppy! No one else wants to sit next to a dog pissing on a plane, even if you try and make it ok by calling the boo boo baby a nervous tinkler.

        • Anon

          I’ve seen dogs on laps during numerous flights. My mom flew cross country with her seat mate’s dog on my mom’s lap the entire time (which, given that my mom is the type to cross traffic in order to pet a dog, worked out well for everyone). Totally depends on the people sitting near you/flight crew.

          • emeralds

            Yes. I know people who have flown their small dogs internationally and the dogs have been in their laps the whole time…….but this is 100% based on the flight crew and the people around you. Airline regulations require pets to be in carriers, under the seat in front of you. You cannot expect to let your pup stay in your lap; it’s a pleasant surprise if it happens but there is no guarantee.

          • Anonymous

            Not only must they officially stay under the seat in front of you during the flight, technically they have to be in the carrier for the entire time you’re in the airport too (including layovers, unless you leave security and go to a pet relief area). I’ve seen dogs running around in airports, but it’s bad manners and you never know when you will get told to put the dog back in its carriers.

        • KT

          I’ve flown extensively with my dog all over the place–but again, she’s an adult service dog. She’s a seizure alert dog–there was a time when she sensed I was going to have an attack and hopped up on my lap to alert me, and a flight attendant yelled at me to get her on the floor. Pups cant be in your lap!

        • Anonymous

          Major eye roll. Girl. Your plan sucks. Sorry we don’t love it? Maybe instead of being defensive and a cry baby consider that overwhelming hive mind might be right? And actually looking out for the best for everyone, incl puppy and other passengers?

        • Anon

          Please. I’m just sorry for the 200 other people on the plane who will be forced to be “supportive” of the smell of this puppy defecating. (And very sorry for the puppy.)

          • Anonymous

            This! In addition to being cruel to the puppy, it’s so rude to the passengers who have to hear the puppy cry nonstop for a 6 hour flight.

        • Liz

          As someone with terrible allergies herself, I no longer fly on airlines that permit this. If I was on your flight because of some emergency forcing me, you’d better believe you wouldn’t have your dog on your lap. And the second it peed or pooed I’d raise holy hell to have you gone.

          • Anonymous

            Which airlines don’t allow pets? I had terrible cat allergies when younger so my parents looked for an airline that prohibited them but they never found one.

        • really?

          No one here has any obligation to validate your terrible ideas so you don’t get your feelings hurt. Seriously, reconsider.

          • really?

            Oh, and the fact that you are responding so poorly to criticism from people who are knowledgeable about dogs makes me feel that you will not take care of this dog properly in general. Breeders like this and people who think flying a young puppy across country non-stop that become dog owners are part of the reason why rescues are so overwhelmed.

    • L

      Trying to tame my anger here.

      First, this is a horrible idea. Why you “need” a dog from a breeder literally across the country is beyond me. If you “need” a dog from a breeder, why not get one locally? Or better yet, why not adopt. Because a quick google search would tell you there are plenty breed specific rescue within driving distance to Boston.

      If you insist on going this route, you should a) talk to your vet and b) consider driving or c) take shorter flights to break up the distance for the puppy.

      • Anonymous

        The primary doodle rescue groups do not adopt to anyone who is a first time dog owner or who has children under the age of 10. They get dozens of applications for each dog, so they are also fairly selective on things like presence of other animals in the home, having a large yard (even for a miniature dog), ensuring that the dog is never left outside unsupervised, and how often the owner is home (hard for anyone who is the target audience of this site to meet what they want there–they want SAHWs with grown kids). So, yes, there are certainly flaws in this plan vs. finding a reputable local breeder, but the constant “don’t shop, adopt” judgment gets old.

        • baseballfan

          The municipal shelter in any city of any size at all has an abundance of dogs of all breeds, ages, genders and sizes. It’s not even necessary to go through a rescue.

          It is beyond me why anyone would buy a dog from a breeder when there are thousands being killed in shelters every day. The judgment is there because people are sad and sick about this and because it should be preventable.

        • L

          I find that hard to believe. I’ve volunteered with a number of rescue groups and while the screening is thorough, it isn’t cumbersome. And quite frankly, if you can’t take care of an animal you shouldn’t have one (bought or adopted). At best, get one from a local breeder so you’re driving 20 minutes instead of traumatizing an animal because you want to. It’s selfish.

          • profmama

            Yes, this is what worries me most about this plan: the potential dog-owner is putting her needs and convenience far ahead of those of this little puppy, who will already be traumatized from losing his/ her family and traveling far from what he/she has ever known.

            By becoming responsible for an animal, it is necessary to put their needs first because you are their caretaker, rather than bending situations to your own convenience. This will be the first of very many times that the question of whose needs get priority comes up. What about future work or pleasure travel? What about those days that you want to get a drink after work? What about the cold/ rainy/ etc. days you don’t feel like going for a walk? The dog’s needs will need to take priority in order for it to have a happy, healthy life.

    • KittyKat

      This is animal abuse. Your dog will pee and poo itself. It will become traumatized by the incident and may never fully recover. You are being selfish and the breeder should be reported. This is so abhorrently unethical I can’t even coherently explain why it’s so wrong.

      • Anonymous

        This though? Is needlessly over the top. Everyone else has managed to explain why this is a bad plan without this level of vitriol.

        • Anonymous

          But it’s not over the top. The pup WILL be upset and likely scared of its crate and strangers after this. Any breeder who permits this is running a money-hungry puppy mill. This is all legit.

        • TBK

          There’s actually a lot of vitriol throughout the thread, and a lot of assumptions, piling on, and personal attacks. The breeder we got our dog from is excellent. We thoroughly investigated her before getting a puppy from her (and yes we’re awful people who bought a puppy from a breeder because, as I said, the dog really is fine for my husband’s asthma and allergies — not all doodles have the right coat, but ours does). She sells her dogs all over the country and people regularly fly with them — at about 8-10 weeks. There’s a way to do it. I don’t know what it is, but it’s something that people do and their dogs wind up fine. So OP, I’d suggest you simply contact the breeder and see what s/he suggests. It might be that multiple stops is the way to go. And it might be that you realize this isn’t really something you want to do. But there are places to get more information. Geez, even if you think flying with a young puppy sounds crazy, there’s no reason to express it the way almost everyone on this thread has.

          • L

            I’ll just say the reason it irritates me so much is because it seems as though there wasn’t a lot of thought put into the decision. If you can only have a dog and it has to be from this breeder, fine I suppose, but contact the professionals first! The fact that someone who’s about to care for an animal doesn’t have the recognition to contact their vet/breeder and figure out a reasonable plan for the pup is what angers me. I see so many people get a puppy for the wrong reasons and the subsequent results; it’s unfair to own an animal if you can’t properly care for them.

            I’ll get off my soapbox now.

          • Anon

            I’m one of the people who said this was a bad idea due to the age of the puppy and length of the flight, and my four-legged friend is from a breeder. It doesn’t matter if she’s picking up the dog from a breeder in Portland or a shelter in Portland or rescuing it out of an alley in Portland – the dog is too young for this trip. Period.

          • Anonymous

            And because I can’t help myself…

            There’s a reason a breeder of mutts (which Labradooles are) can’t be an excellent breeder. As it’s not a real breed, it can’t be registered, so there’s no proof of its genetics. Further, has your breeder tested its eyes via CERF? How about OFA? Poodles and Labs both have hip dysplasia issues, so an OFA score is a necessity–getting an appropriate test done for a mutt is more difficult since it requires more analysis, so most breeders dont bother. How about the parents’ hearts? Cancer ratings? Did your breeder mention these things? Most likely not. If on the off chance they did, did you get the dog’s testing numbers and look them up yourself instead of taking their word for it?

            That’s what makes a good breeder (bare minimum, an excellent one does all this as well as trains their dog for a specific job appropriate to the breed and socializes the puppy extensively).

          • Anonymous

            @Anon at 11:33–There are a lot of breeders who do not do those tests, but there are also a sufficient amount who do and happily provide the results because they spent a lot of money going through the tests.

            Your judgment of “mutts” is pretty ridiculous. Congrats on your super fancy Airedale, because that’s sooo much better.

          • TBK

            Yes, we did all of this. We did our research. And the dog, even though he was only 9 weeks, was already extremely well socialized (fine with all different types of people and dogs, plus household sounds like vacuum) and already knew his name, was nearly housetrained (had two accidents total ever), and knew “sit,” “down,” and “come.”

          • Anonymous at 11:33

            It’s nothing against mutts! It’s my disgust with Labradoodle breeders who try to pass themselves off as legit, when their dog cannot be verified in any way at all. A mutt from the shelter will likely be a 1000 times healthier than a Labradoodle or poorly bred pure bred, and is usually a better choice than a puppy for a new owner.

            Labradoodle breeders usually do no testing, are breeding what is in fact a mutt, then charges obscene amounts of money when a wonderful dog could be gotten for a fraction of the price at a shelter.

            I highly recommend people go to a shelter for their dog, unless they have a specific need for a pure bred. In that case, then I recommend people look for a good breeder who does the necessary health testings and socialization.

          • Curly Sue

            I’m with you, TBK, on basically every count. Also, humongous eye roll at calling doodles mutts. If they’re not your cup of tea, fine. But they’re good dogs and many, many, many families are better off for having them.

            Also, notwithstanding Anonymous’s “Labradoodle breeders usually do no testing” generalization, of course there are responsible, health-conscious, caring breeders of labradoodles and goldendoodles. The judgment from the “if you don’t rescue, you’re a monster” crowd gets old.

          • anyanony

            I’m with TBK – MJ is a thinking, smart person and I’m sure that she can work this out but IRL experts, probably without help from people on the internet.

          • MJ

            This is a really reputable breeder–one of the oldest in the country for Australian labradoodles. I am happy to contact her and I have an appointment with a vet scheduled for a few weeks from now to discuss all of these matters.

            Like many folks who post on thiss_te, I was asking for personal experiences or tips or tricks. I’d like to especially thank Anonymous, who made some really mean comments.

            I suppose I am defensive because I have been a commenter and regular here since 2007, and I ALWAYS am civil when I post, even if I disagree. I didn’t expect everyone to say, “GREAT PLAN!” but I also didn’t expect discourse like this from thiss_te.

            There was actually a lot of thought put into this decision. I’ve wanted a dog for several years. I grew up with dogs, and lived for five years with another dog from this breeder (who is now with my “extra” parents, in CA). I have researched local vets. I have met many dogs from this breeder.

            My breeder does very thorough health testing just like a purebred breeder would do and has a three year guarantee, which is much longer than most purebred breeders. I specifically want a non-purebred due to severe genetic issues that many friends have experienced with goldens and labs. I concur that labradoodles are mutts, but I also feel strongly that the purebred apparatus in the US, especially with respect to certain breeds, is also barbaric (looking at you English Bulldogs).

            Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I am hearing you and I again, thank you for keeping C-r e t t e civil, no matter what the conversation.

            I’ll let you all know how this goes. Thanks again.

      • Anonymous at 11:33

        Doodles ARE mutts! They are a mixed breed, which is the definition of mutt. If you love your dog and he’s a good pet, awesome! But acknowledge what he is.

        • baseballfan

          +1000. I love mutts and I have four of them. But that’s what they are. A mutt is a mixed breed dog.

          Labradoodles are mutts
          Yorkiepoos are mutts
          Shepadors are mutts

          This list could go on for a while…….

          • Anonymous

            Whoops, accidentally hit report. I don’t think the issue is with the mutt if it’s purely being used as a definition, but the way Anon @ 11:33 throws it around, it’s a slur, which is just ridiculous. We’re talking about fluffy little bundles of joy, not criminals.

    • Anonymous

      I fly all the time with my dog (she’s been to 15 states and counting) but she’s housebroken and has no problem holding it for 8-10 hours. On United you do advanced search and choose “add an in-cabin pet” and you can book and pay for the pet online. On other airlines you buy your ticket online and then call to add the pet. I would probably not take an unhousebroken puppy on a normal vacation, but if you have to fly with him, doing in-cabin is way more humane than the cargo hold.

    • Person Next To You

      Hi – I’m the person sitting next to you on the 6 hour flight in an economy seat too small to be comfortable inhaling the smell of sh*t and piss from your animal and unable to relax because of the barking, whining, and scratching noises coming from the crate. I long for the days when a toddler is kicking the back of my seat and the parents don’t care. Please don’t take this personally, but I hate you because you are making my flight unbearable. But please, enjoy your new puppy.

      • Anonymous

        And it’s because of idiots like MJ that so many people glare at me when I come on board with my housebroken, well-behaved adult dog. You’re doing everyone in this situation a disservice (except yourself).

      • Anon

        Totally +1 on this comment. Please also think about the other folks on your flight who are not in love with your new puppy and who really do not want to deal with a terrified dog who is peeing/pooping itself throughout the flight.

    • Anonymous

      Aside from being cruel to the puppy (which it totally is) I think it’s super rude to the other passengers. Yes, airlines don’t expressly prohibit puppies but it is pretty thoughtless to bring something on a long flight that is going to pee and poop nonstop without a diaper and probably cry or whine nonstop.

    • Anon

      I flew with my puppy (who is an emotional support animal recommended by my psychiatrist–not technically a service animal but with a letter from my doctor she was allowed to be on my lap) about a year ago with no problems. She was around 16 weeks old and was just fine on a 4 hour flight (but again, was on my lap so I could comfort her if she got nervous, which she did not). I had her go to potty in a grassy area outside the airport before takeoff, and again at a grassy area outside the airport on landing. I had her wear a puppy diaper on the plane just in case–I can’t really remember if she needed it, but she might have peed in it. It was not a big deal and there was no mess or smell associated with it. She was quite small at the time (6 lbs) so it was easy to have her on my lap, and when she was in the crate under the seat she had enough wiggle room. It would probably be a lot harder with a bigger dog. Good luck!

    • Disappointed

      MJ-
      So I just made it through all of the responses to your question.

      First, wow, there’s a lot of snarkiness going on in this thread. I understand everyone’s concern, but really?

      Second, I can personally attest to it being okay for the puppy and fellow passengers having a puppy flown several hours from a breeder. While it isn’t an ideal situation, it can work. We had our 8 week old border collie puppy flown from St. Louis to Cleveland and while he was a little shaken up after the flight, he ended up being a perfectly well adjusted puppy and fully grown adult dog.

      Good luck and congrats on your puppy!

      • HSAL

        According to the internet, that flight time is an hour and thirty five minutes. I think that’s significantly different from 5+ hours on a nonstop.

    • Anon

      These are the times I am SO glad I live in Asia. No pets on planes. I am not allergic, but I am not a dog person and would hate to sit next to one, with hair being shed all over me, and also having to put up with doggy smells for several hours.

  2. Wardrobe curious

    What clothing items do you splurge on? What clothing items do you try to save on or by at lower-end stores?

    I splurge on nice outerwear because I live in a cold climate. I try to save on causal wear because I tend to be more formal (and most costly) for work clothing.

    • Anonymous

      I splurge on work dresses. I wear them a ton and it feels worth it. I save on blouses. I’m perfectly happy with Ann Taylor on sale level quality.

    • Maddie Ross

      Splurge on real leather shoes and running shoes. I also like designer denim, but mostly because I found a brand I like on my body (joes). I only buy on sale though. Save on shirts. I spill, pit them out, or the styles change fast. Most of my shirts are Banana, Ann Taylor, and Old Navy or Target.

      • ANP

        Yes — I find that good shoes are Worth It. Plus, then you can get them repaired/cared for by a cobbler and they end up lasting longer, which is a great way of protecting your investment.

    • Cb

      I save on summer clothes as we don’t really get that many days of summer. I tend to splurge on outerwear but my 40 Euro Benetton wool coat is still going strong.

    • ss

      Splurge on work kit, day shoes and outerwear, save on dinner/ evening wear (used or vintage can be a great source for these) and knit underpinnings (T-shirts, leggings and the like from Uniqlo or Muji but replaced regularly for whites).

  3. PMB

    I read the posts, read the comments, never comment. Thanks to all of you for the input on very timely and important topics for me, just through Kat’s posts and through the comments.

    I am posting now because I need some advice, commiseration, something. I am a 34-year-old full-time attorney (senior associate, not partner), 3 kids (6,4, and 2), and married. I practice mainly in the area of real estate transactions, with also some litigation (litigation only because (a) that’s what I did at my prior firm before I lateralled to this firm to do transactional work and (b) it helped me reach my billable hours when I didn’t have enough real estate work to do).

    I have a few cases with very difficult opposing counsel that I do not know how to effectively handle, and it is affecting me personally, affecting my marriage, and I think even affecting my kids. In one particular case, opposing counsel is pretty much a pig, rude, ignores/forget previous discussions and agreements, has commented on my how I look and on how I am “just a cog in a machine” at this job. Because of the difficulty in communicating with him, I’ve told him that I won’t talk by phone anymore; everything has to be in writing. But then whenever I get an email from him, I get so anxious and upset that I cannot even think anymore. All I can think about is how I hate this job and want to quit.

    My problem is, that I feel like if I can’t even handle this, then I am not cut out to be a lawyer. The litigation cases are killing me. And all the pressure is killing me. Work, bill, business development, take care of kids, work some more, get a little bit of sleep, and start all over again the next day. And I feel like ultimately, it may be all for naught on the career front because I am just not good enough, smart enough, or confident enough to do this job.

    I get so anxious and upset about work that I know it is affecting my kids and husband. I don’t know what to do at this point.

    • Anonymous

      Go to therapy! Get help for your anxiety and stress. Learn what self-care works for you.

      You absolutely need to figure out how to deal with obnoxious opposing counsel without anxiety that impacts the rest of your life, but you don’t need to figure that out on your own by yelling at yourself for failing. It’s not about being smart enough, it’s a learned skill that people can help you with.

      Personally, opposing counsel causes me next to no stress, because I don’t work for them! But it took a lot to get here and I couldn’t have done it alone.

      And I know, you have three kids and you don’t have time for therapy. But, actually, you have three kids and you can’t afford not to be taking care of yourself.

      • Maddie Ross

        Second this. If your work is spilling over into your personal life, you need to do some serious self-care.

        However, I will add that not all personalities are cut out to be litigators and that you may want to take a serious look at what you want to do career-wise. This does NOT mean that you shouldn’t be a lawyer! This means you should reconsider whether dealing with opposing counsel in a contentious matter is for you. Real estate and deals are a totally different beast. Dealing with a nasty OC is often part of litigation.

    • emeralds

      I don’t have any concrete suggestions, but I just want to send you some Internet hugs and some encouragement that you will get through this.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Could you pass the buck on this case? It is a very “know your firm” thing but at my firm, if someone just dabbles in another area of law and one of their cases gets too complex, they pass it off to someone who focuses mostly on that area of law. Opposing counsel’s animosity could certainly require a more experienced litigator to handle. You could say something like “I think this case should be handled by someone who focuses their practice in litigation because it is going to be contentious over every little thing and I have far less experience with the nuances of discovery disputes since I do mostly transactional work.” We are practically required to farm out stuff that is beyond our area of expertise and if you are completely uncomfortable with this case you will not be providing your client with the best representation. Try to make it about the case, not about him or you though.

    • JJ

      This happened to me when I was a litigator and I have several friends that it has happened to. All I can say is that it took time. Time for me to gain more experience litigating, and time to realize that opposing counsel’s awful personality/practice style is his problem, not mine. You have to learn to let his horrible comments go and not bring them home with you (easier said than done, I know). Because then you’re giving him power and he’s having the exact effect that he intended.

      Having these feelings does NOT mean you’re not cut out to be a litigator. The best litigators I know still feel like that from time to time. It means you care and that you’re invested in your job. It also means that you need to find a way to separate your family life from your work life. Even if you don’t have time for therapy (I’m a working mom with two kids…I get it), talk to a trusted colleague or partner about it. Even talking it out and realizing how much opposing counsel affects you can help you begin to gain control. Good luck!

    • PMB

      Thanks for the replies. I know I need to take more time to take care of myself – but like you all said, where is the time?

      And thanks for the support on the nasty opposing counsel. Good words of encouragement and advice!

      I think part of this is just a crisis of confidence too. Not being able to deal with this one person effectively makes me question my overall ability, which brings me to imposter syndrome, etc. etc.

      • Maddie Ross

        If this is a one-time thing, than disregard my suggestion that maybe you focus on the transactional side. If it’s just one bully, well then phewy on him! Tell yourself to breathe deeply, let it go, and set certain times when you’ll allow yourself to check email from him or listen to messages from him. Don’t let his attitude bring you down. If you’ve never liked litigation and this is an on-going issue, I still second my advice to reconsider transactional work.

      • Collars

        I am 100% transactional and we *still* have those people. The good thing is is that my friends are all treated the same way (other firms) by the 2 people who come to mind, so there are people to complain to who totally get it. Also, written-only is the way to go. And then don’t be super-responsive. Give your blood pressure time to go up when you see the e-mail and let it drop back down a bit and get your thoughts in order before you reply. Control what you can. The other person being a jerk is about them, not about you.

        Pretend you’re waiting tables — some tables will be awful, but you smile and do your best and wait for them to leave. [So: not about litigation or law even: the jerks are out there and nowhere is that safe.]

      • Anonymous

        Hang in there, as an earlier commentator said, these are the worst couple of years. Try to get therapy if you can – even one or two sessions to help clearly seperate out the issues and put coping strategies in place will help. Also keep your eyes on the end. Our oldest is now 8 and it’s amazing what those couple of extra years and her desire/ability to be a little independent have done to me not feeling so overwhelmed.

    • WestCoast Lawyer

      I’ll throw out a few thoughts that may be helpful. First, as others have said, if this is a one-off bully then try to remember that it’s not indicative of not being good enough or cut out for your career. You are just dealing with a jerk and need to find a way (therapy, help from a senior partner, looking at kitten pictures) to get through it but it will end at some point. You may also be discovering that you really don’t like litigation, but again, that doesn’t mean you aren’t cut out to be a lawyer.

      Also, you are in the thick of what I’ve come to believe are the hardest few years you will face career wise. Small children at home, starting to make real progress at work but not senior enough to have real control over your schedule. I’ve been there, and it is exhausting!

      For me, the overwhelming stress was a clue that I didn’t enjoy the pace of law firm work enough to want to make partner. Finding an in-house position made me realize I really did like being a lawyer, just a different kind of lawyer than I originally envisioned. Also, having a few more years under my belt has really positioned me well to start having more control over my career and my schedule.

      My last piece of advice is to make sure to carve out time for family and try to be 100% present when you do. Late nights and weekend work may be inevitable, and I’m not suggesting you need a lengthy dinner together every night, but try to make sure that at least a few times a week you are really connecting and doing something fun with your husband and the kids (separately, if possible), even if it’s just for 15 minutes. Spending a little less time at work won’t make a material difference in your performance, but I’ve seen too many lawyers ignore their families because they always let work come first and it doesn’t end well.

    • I'm hiring for a real estate in-house position

      At a F250 company.

      Email me at honour98 at gmail.com

    • I am looking for a real estate associate

      At a firm based in Seattle. Lots of mother attorneys, including myself. E-mail me at suz kim (no space in between the two though) at gmail.

    • Ashley

      I’m also sending internet hugs. I don’t have concrete answers but please try to remember to take time for yourself. You’re a human and dealing with difficult people is hard on everyone. I don’t think you should beat yourself up about it.

  5. Ellen

    Yay! Wednesday “S TPS report! I love this cowl neck, but I will have to figure out when to wear it when Frank is OUT of the office, b/c he has in the past peeked in using his PENCIL. Dad say’s he is out of bound’s with that, and I agree. It is NOT a good idea to wear cowl neck sweater’s when men are interested in your boobie’s!

    I did NOT add on to the thread about puppies and poopie but I agree that the poor puppy would be confused, and poop all over his crate, and it would smell up the whole cabin. FOOEY! It is bad enough when you are traveling with a person who does that. When we went to Pitsburg on a depo, we sat right behind a big man who kept farting in his seat. Since the seat’s were so cheep, the smell came right back to us. DOUBEL FOOEY! I called over the male flight atendent, and asked if he could tell the man to stop farting in his seat, or move him closer to the bathroom, which smelled anyway. The flight atendent said that he could NOT do that unless he witnessed the farting in person and he could NOT b/c he had to attend to the whole cabin, and not monitor the farter. So we wound up sitting behind this looser all the way back from Pitsburg.

    I therefore recomend that all of us check to see who is sitting in front of us BEFORE the captain put’s the buckel up sign, b/c if there is a chance the guy will be letting loose in his seat, watch out! TRIPEL FOOEY!

  6. Baconpancakes

    Hey ladies! Here’s the peach cobbler ice cream cake recipe: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/food-network-kitchens/peach-cobbler-ice-cream-cake-recipe.html

    The inevitable what I did different: I used cardamom canned peaches in light syrup in place of the fresh peaches, and used about 3/4 the amount of ice cream, as my springform was too small. It kept in the freezer for almost a week, with the cut bits covered in plastic wrap, but a warning – the minute you take it out of the freezer, it will start melting! Something about the refreezing of the ice cream makes it less stable. I used Breyer’s natural vanilla ice cream – the one with just the four ingredients. Make it for a party you host – you can’t eat a ton of this cake, no matter how much you want to.

    • Maddie Ross

      This looks amazing! Along this same line, does anyone have any recs for sides to serve at a 4th of July picnic this weekend? All ages, serving burgers and hot dogs as the main course, but I’d really like a side and an appetizer that are unique and yummy. Suggestions? No food sensitivities in the group. TIA!

      • Anon

        I make a pasta dish that is pasta (I use the tri color spiral), chopped carrots, red peppers, red onion, and cheese cubes tossed in a mixture of Italian dressing, EVOO, and Italian seasoning (I just add them to taste). Let it sit in the fridge for at least 12 hours before serving.

  7. Baconpancakes

    And on a completely different note, does anyone get Kiplinger’s Personal Finance Magazine? I’m thinking about subscribing. Is it worth it?

    • anon

      I did not think so. Many of the articles are available online. On the other hand, I don’t think it’s very expensive ($12/year at Amazon), and after 1 year you might be comfortable ditching it and relying on online materials.

    • ORD

      Check if your local public library has Zinio. It’s a free magazine service. Sometimes I read Kiplinger’s on it; I wouldn’t pay for it, though.

  8. Anonymous

    How have people who have good general skills but have worked in a “niche” field for a long time make a transition? I’m in a pretty specialized area of financial services and have really great skills – managing staff, closing complex transactions, performing diligence – and may need to move out of my niche for a new position (geographic considerations). Would you all start with recruiters?

  10. Anon S

    Thread jack! I’m on maternity leave and could use a few pair of comfy walking shoes. I live in the city so we walk everywhere and I’ve just been putting on flip flops and my ankles and arches are killing me. What are some comfortable slip on shoes that also don’t look like orthopedic shoes?! I’d be interested in flip flops, cuter dressier sandals, and even athletic/gym slip on shoes. Just nothing that I have to lace up or buckle. Thanks in advance!

    • Wardrobe curious

      Okulai flip flops have the best arch support–Kat had link for these within the last week or so. I have high arches and have walked miles in these. I purchased them based on a recommendation from a Nordstrom sales associate and consider them one of the best footwaer purchases of 2015.

    • A Nonny Moose

      I got drivers on clearance from cole ha@n and have worn them almost every day since. Slip on, decent support, and cute to dress up or down.

      I will say that they were made pretty cheaply– the sole popped out on my first wear– but I just reglued and was thankful I only paid $50 or so for them.

    • L

      Birkenstocks. I think most are hideous, but my feet have NEVER felt so good. Ellen caps required.

    • bhtsmama

      If you are wearing your baby, please wear shoes that fasten securely – not flip-flops or slides. Maybe Birks that buckle on to your feet, but those aren’t the cute ones. My first kiddo and I spent an unpleasant afternoon in the ER (observation for slight bump on the head to bebe, cleanup of major, major skinned knees/shins for mama) because in a sleep-deprived state I put on a comfortable pair of pre-baby slides and tripped on an uneven sidewalk. After that, my cute summer shoes were all of the sneaker variety.

    • ANP

      I have some slip-on espadrille-type flats from Lands’ End — check out their website, they have lots of shoes that are the type you’re looking for.

    • 2 Cents

      I have a pair of black flats that are Crocs. They look like a normal shoe and I’ve walked everywhere with them. I have plantar fasciitis (sp) and poor arches and these are the most comfy for me.

    • S in Chicago

      Orthaheel flip flops. The wave style are seriously the most comfortable things ever. LOTS of arch support and keep ankle and knee in alignment.

      I don’t think most drivers or loafers or boat shoes have enough arch. I find something with a small bit of wedge (like the Air Tali style of Cole Haans) works better at keeping pain at bay when doing lots of walking.

    • Meg Murry

      Clarks have a lot of shoes that slip on but have some actual padding and support to them. I usually pick them up at DSW or Zappos for even cheaper than what is listed on their webs!te.

      http://www.clarksusa.com/us/c/womens-active

      There are a decent amount of Mary Jane style shoes out there with quick velcro strap that helps them stay on your feet as well – I have a pair from Lands End, and I know some people here swear by Mary Jane style Keens.

  11. Toastmasters?

    Hi ladies! I think some of you have mentioned before that you participate in toastmasters. I’ve been thinking about joining a club and am genuinely interested in improving my public speaking skills. I recently went to a club open house and noticed that nearly all the feedback given to speakers was positive, with almost no constructive tips or criticisms. Is that the norm for toastmasters, or does it depend on the club? What should I look for in a club before joining? Any other tips?

    • KT

      It usually depends on the “stage” of the club and the members. If you have a lot of people whoa re terrified of public speaking, the reaction is gentler and more positive to get them comfortable. if people are more capable speaking, criticism tends to come to improve the performance.

      • Toastmasters?

        Interesting – that makes sense. I think the one that I sat in on is a new-ish club, so maybe that explains it.

        • Coach Laura

          Plus if they’re all inexperienced, they may not know what to say or have enough experience to give useful feedback. I would try to find a club that has a lot of people who have achieved higher levels of certification – bronze, silver or gold IIRC. (It’s been a long time since I was certified and I’m too busy/lazy to google.)

    • Anonymous

      Toastmasters has changed my life, not just in public speaking but communication and leadership skills too. It can be an odd experience the first couple of times you attend a meeting. Agree with KT about different clubs, and different people, focusing on different areas for feedback. In toastmasters, the primary goal of an evaluation is to encourage the person to speak again. That’s why feedback especially for newer and/or more nervous people is focused first on the positive. Check out a couple of different clubs to see if there is one that is the best fit for you.

  12. Anon

    I’m feeling really frustrated with my husband. I think he’s a workaholic. And I don’t mean “oh he has such a demanding job!” I mean I think he works to avoid dealing with other issues. We’re both attorneys and both work in policy positions in non-profits. Our roles are similar but our organizations are different and so the jobs do have their differences. I work 9:00-5:30, M-F, and that’s kind of it. I do catch up on some reading and work-related podcasts in the evening or on weekends. And I’ll sometimes exchange emails on work stuff during off-hours (my boss tends to get a jump on the week Sunday afternoon, so my inbox will fill up a bit then). My husband works 9:30-??? 7:00? 8:00? 10:00? on a regular basis. His predecessor told him the job was basically a 9-5. That was part of what was so attractive about it. We have very small children and the idea was for us both to have flexible schedules that weren’t too demanding (and we took a serious pay cut to have that). My husband, however, has never, ever worked 9-5. It always seems that in every job he’s had (this is the third one since we’ve known each other) he works well past when everyone else is working. He’ll wind up in the office on weekends even if it’s an office where literally no one comes in on the weekends and the HVAC isn’t even running.

    He has been treated for depression and anxiety in the past and his anxiety is extremely high these days. It seems like every deadline for anything he has becomes a full-blown crisis. He’s newish in the job and I understand being nervous the first one or two times you do something, but these are things he does on a monthly basis. And yet for every single one, the 2-3 weeks leading up the deadline have him in full crisis mode. Not only does he wind up working all the time (leaving me to single handedly run the house and take care of the kids) but the time he is home he spends stressing. Two out of three conversations will be about how freaked out he is about this project. Every single project he does turns out fine. Not every one is a homerun, but some of them are and the rest are still good. And yet he still panics.

    If he loved the work and worked because it was so enjoyable, that would be a different conversation. But instead he’s constantly tired, stressed, and unable to cope with anything else. This means I do all the housework and childcare. It also means that there’s never room for me to be stressed about anything. Granted, my work just doesn’t stress me out the way his does. Partly I think because I work in a less stressful environment, but also partly I think because I just don’t get anxious about things the way he does. And I’m happy to accept that things affect him differently and to give him extra support because of that. But I feel like his anxiety is just sucking all the energy the family has into his personal stress vortex.

    We’re currently fighting because I said that I felt like a servant lately because he’ll work late and not tell me when he’s getting home, so I wind up hanging around waiting to serve dinner (he’s since said I should just eat, but if I’d just done that on my own, he’d say I didn’t care that he was stuck working late and just cared about getting my own dinner), and because instead of helping to clear after dinner, he sits there and stares at his phone while I clear the table around him and wash up the kitchen. He said I should have realized it was a long, stressful day for him and that he was only looking at his phone because he might have to jump on a call any second. First, the phone thing is every night, not just this one. Second, EVERY day is a long, stressful day.

    He takes meds for the anxiety and depression and he was seeing a therapist, but I think he hasn’t gone in a long while. He says it’s too hard to get away from work. (As an aside, he also feels he can never take off work for things like kid dr appointments etc. so I wind up doing all the flex time, taking time off, working from home stuff for kids, too.) Since I don’t actually know what it’s like at his office, I can’t say “you don’t really need to work that hard” but it really seems to me that he feels like if he just keeps pouring in the hours, he might barely be good enough for his job. The thing is that he’s really amazing at his job. Like amazing. And not because of the hours. He’s got a mind that’s not only brilliant but also insightful and creative. He completely blows everyone away whenever he gives a talk. He just owns the room. But he just never, ever sees himself that way.

    This is a novel now, but I figure that maybe someone here is like my husband and maybe can give me some insight on how to handle this. I don’t feel like we can do this indefinitely.

    • Anon for this

      No great advice, but I feel your pain and feel as though I could have written this exact same novel (also two attorney couple, also small children, also H with history of anxiety and depression). I know it’s hard to do if he doesn’t want to, but it sounds to me like he needs to see a therapist, or at least his physician, as it totally sounds like his coping mechanisms aren’t working. Maybe he needs a new scrip or an increased dose. Or maybe he needs to re-start talk therapy. But either way, it seems to me the issue is that he’s not been treated to his fullest, and you are unfortunately bearing the brunt of it. I can totally, totally sympathize. And it is so very very hard. I continually feel like I love him and he’s a good dad when it comes down to it, but man I did not sign up for *this.* Hugs.

    • Clementine

      It’s a myth that there’s not enough time for something, the truth is that it’s not a priority. If it were a priority, it would happen. Sometimes there are very valid reasons something is not a priority: work pressures, financial considerations, family obligations, the physical need to sleep, etc., but if something is a priority, you make time for it.

      I work for someone like this and it is absolutely miserable. I’ve often wondered how his partner and family handles this (in my opinion totally unnecessary) behavior. My heart goes out to you.

      This sounds like a situation where a couples/family therapist is needed to help start a conversation about goals, priorities, feelings, and values.

    • Anonymous

      Marriage counseling. So you get to say “this marriage isn’t working and I’m not happy” in a way that he hears it. Because otherwise you may as well get a divorce. You’d have all the work you do now minus the stressful man child.

      • Coach Laura

        +1 to marriage counseling.

        I think it’s less workaholism than that his anxiety is driving him to be compulsive and his fear is leading him to make bad choices, thus increasing the anxiety. But at this point, personal therapy may not help as much if he is not working toward changing the behaviors that impact you and his kids.

    • Up To Here

      Sorry. But my husband’s untreated anxiety has destroyed our marriage. Yes, we are still together, but I doubt I love him. Bottom line, find the courage to say F.U. That doesn’t mean leave him. It just means put yourself first. If it doesn’t get done because it falls on you, oh well. If he is uncomfortable with what you are doing and needs your reassurance, sorry, not available. I deeply regret the years I spent actually catering to my husband’s needs that arise out of his anxiety which only made the situation worse because it validates his logic as to why he should be anxious, and therefore perpetuated the anxiety. The other thing. Tell him that if he gives a sh*t about his family then he needs to put as much effort, if not more, into his treatment as he puts into these oh-so-urgent work crisis. Because some work crisis will always be there, but his family wont. I’m really sorry that I sound angry, but I am. I speak from years of depression and resentment from letting this go on too long. Don’t do the same.

    • moss

      That sounds horrible and I feel for you. I would be MISERABLE and LIVID that I was having to do all the family work plus prop him up emotionally. I don’t have any more advice but I definitely think you have a right to be upset.

      Does he drink or have any other substance use issue?

      • Anon

        No, not at all, fortunately. He often says that I don’t make it easy for him to help out because I just go ahead and do things. I grew up with a single mom so working full time plus doing all the kid and household stuff is completely normal to me. I’m sure that contributes to the problem. But some stuff is just like, duh, the kids’ laundry hamper is overflowing — maybe that could go into the washer? And as for dinner, if I’m literally clearing the table in front of you, you can’t say you didn’t realize that “clearing the table,” “putting leftovers in the fridge,” “loading the dishwasher,” and “hand-washing the knives and pans” were tasks that had to get done.

        • Anon

          This is interesting to me because I do think that you are kind of expecting him to be a mind reader and that is contributing to the problem. You can verbalize to him (in a nice way), that you would like it if he could “clear the table,” “put leftovers in the fridge,” “load the dishwasher,” etc. Not everyone grows up the same way you do. I for one had a mom who did all of these things for me, and a live-in housecleaner/nanny as well, so yes, I really am that clueless about what needs to be done. Plus, I also don’t mind enjoying a moment of relaxation after dinner and not cleaning stuff right away, and maybe you do stuff so quickly and by the time he is ready to clean stuff up, you’ve already done it? I’m not trying to excuse him being so checked-out, but I do think you can communicate your desires better rather than letting it all fester.

        • moss

          I actually know exactly what you mean. I also grew up with a single mom and I tend to just do things which kind of lets the other people in the house off the hook. My husband and I have fought about this several times.

          I absolutely think he shouldn’t let you be working around him while he stares at his phone, that’s outrageous. The only reason you “should” have known it was a stressful day for him is that it sounds like EVERY day is stressful to him. He’s not handling adult life well. That’s impacting you but it needs to be not your problem.

    • ORD

      Wow, I think this needs to be renegotiated. Huge credit to you for handling everything so far and dealing with everything that needs to get done at home and your job and taking care of young children and your phone-staring husband.

    • Anon for this

      You have my sympathies and my empathy. My soon-to-be-ex-husband’s anxiety and depression led to his doing as little as possible at work, not become a workaholic. But the result at home was the same as with you: he stopped doing anything in the way of house care or chores or planning. We don’t have kids, but I have more demanding job than he does, and yet I had to do everything: cooking, cleaning, yard work, repairs, finances. I outsourced as much as possible and as much as we could afford, but it was still an enormous drain and frustration for me.

      It destroyed our marriage, in the end. It’s not just that I was doing everything at home, I also felt like I was HIS caretaker, and that his emotions governed everything in the marriage, leaving no room for my feelings and my needs.

      My experience would suggest that your husband is going to have to want things to change before there will be any change at all. If you can get him to a marriage counselor and get him to hear that you are at the end of your rope, that might prod him to go back to a psychiatrist and a therapist and get a better treatment plan. But if he doesn’t see any utility in making things change, you will either be stuck with things the way they are or have to leave. Good luck and best wishes to you.

      • Anon for this

        PS: I should add that I’m a different “Anon for this” than the “Anon for this” at 11:56am above!

    • NewMomAnon

      I don’t post on this site anymore, but this sounds so familiar….do you know whether your husband is hitting his deadlines at work? Because it might be that he is in a terrible anxiety-depression spiral that has him basically paralyzed, so he procrastinates on everything and then freaks out as it comes due. The emotional drain of that just makes it self-perpetuating.

      I second the posters who has said that he has to understand that he has a problem and want to change it. I tried for years to help my soon to be ex understand his emotional cycles because I could see them and it felt like if I could just point it out to him, he would get better. But he didn’t get better. He would do some therapy to make me happy, figure out how to cobble himself back together, have a few good months and claim everything was all right and he didn’t need help anymore. And then the chaos would get even worse on the next cycle….

      You can try marital counseling, but it’s not magic. If he doesn’t think he has a problem, marital counseling is not going to help at all. You should get a counselor though; it was so much easier to see what was happening and let go of the guilt I felt once I got myself some help.

      Good luck. Remember, this is not your fault, and the only part of it you can control is your response. You don’t have to jump at each emergency. You don’t have to silently clean up the table while he fiddles around on his phone. And ASK him to do things. If you make the decision to end the marriage, you will feel so much better about it if it comes after a string of him refusing to help.

      • Anon

        I agree with this. Also, I want to say that even though this is his third job, this may not be the right job (or even career) for him. I had a series of jobs in an area that was not suited for me. I was good at it and had the right credentials for it, but I just didn’t mesh with the personalities in the field so it wasn’t right for me. Now that I’m at a better job with supportive colleagues, I am doing much better, even if the move wasn’t a very logical one for me (e.g., I work at a bigger company). He might similarly be in a toxic workplace. Just something to consider.

  13. Anonymous

    I can’t focus today at all – any tips?

    On the plus side, I’m really feeling my outfit.

      • OP

        Navy blue and white patterned cap sleeve dress, bright pink cardigan, dark blue heels with a gold bow

        • anon

          omigosh. that’s my outfit too, almost exactly!

          I’m wearing black flats with gold detail on the toe, tho, and my dress is just navy. I was thinking about how into my outfit I was today, too!

    • anon

      Same here! Must be the upcoming holiday. If you’re in a position to delegate, that always helps me get going on projects.

  14. Parfait

    That Three Dots pick is cute, but Holy Hannah, what is the opposite of vanity sizing? XL equates to a size 8?? What?

  15. lsw

    I want some tomato red chino shorts so bad, but I can’t find any! Found cute 7″ ones from J Crew factory that look perfect but sold out in my size (12). I thought for sure Nordstrom, Gap, or Old Navy would have something but no. Any suggestions?? 5″ or longer preferred but not Bermuda.

    • Duchess

      I got a pair of 5″ ones from Lands End that I love. It looks like they are sold out in your size currently, but they seem to keep restocking them. Keep checking?

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