Coffee Break: Rem Emberme Pumps

145 Comments

1. LOVE those shoes! Would be cute to wear to court for a divorce, maybe…

   Re-posting from previous thread for traffic:

   Relationship TJ:

   I am about at the end of my rope with my husband. I’ve been lawyered up and ready to leave twice in the past few years and each time he convinced me to stay, and each time I regre t t e d backing down. I think I am about ready to pull the trigger once and for all.

   My issue is that we have been married 15 years and if we stay married we are sitting fairly pretty in terms of retirement and finances. If we split, less so. What is particularly irksome is that I will likely be on the hook for spousal support, I will have to buy him out of what started out as MY house, and he will be entitled to half of MY government pension. I have figured out that I have (barely) enough time to pay off a new mortgage and recoup a decent amount of savings before I retire, but it’s going to be close and my standard of living will take a hit. And I will have to delay retirement to age 70.

   Any thoughts from the hive on whether it’s worth devastating oneself financially to get out of a pretty awful marriage? Any stories, personal or second-hand, about later-in-life divorces and how it worked out?

   1. I mean, that is what spousal support is for. Obviously it is irksome, but if the roles were reversed, you would be entitled to that as well. It sounds like your financial standard of living would take a hit, but not totally ruin you. I think really any amount would be worth it to get out of a pretty awful marriage.

   2. Not to be sexist, but every female friend I have who has divorced has remarried within 5 years. They have now returned to their original standard of living, or have improved their standard of living. If you think that may be you, it could definitely change some of the factors you describe in your post. Also, I’m not a divorce lawyer, but I believe if the house was yours prior to marriage, you may well be entitled to a larger share (e.g. at a minimum, recoup the down payment you funded).

   3. If you’ve thought about it many times already, decided not to do it, and now wish you had, I feel like you already have your answer. The only scenario in which I can see not divorcing him now is if you can figure out a reason that this isn’t just one more time that you’ll look back on thinking “I wish I had gone ahead with it.”

      Don’t have a response to the financial aspect because I think you’re already factored it in psychologically. You wish you were already divorced from him. At best, money is the reason for all those false starts in the past, which you now regret, and it looks like it’s the (only) reason you might back down this time too. I’m not judging, just observing.

      1. Agreed.

      2. well said.

      3. Thanks. This is smart talk and what I have been telling myself.

      4. Agreed. Having been through a divorce myself (totally different circumstances), I can say that by the time you’re asking questions like this, you already know the answer. I’m sorry to hear this. I know it’s not easy by any measure.

   4. Sorry to hear. It sounds like you’re getting ready to pull the trigger this time.

      When I was thinking about ending a 10yr relationship, I made a spreadsheet because I didn’t really feel like I could trust myself to be objective. A decision tree made things a lot clearer. Maybe the financial hit would be more devastating to you than staying in an awful relationship is, but it seems like you’re already resenting how much he is taking and will in future take from you.

      If this helps at all, divorce was a great decision for my sister. It was a huge financial hit (including a short sale). But she switched careers and went the route of saying, if she was going to have to pay for him, she was going to make enough not to feel it.

      1. I’m in the same boat as the OP and i’m irked because his laziness is why he doesn’t earn more and if i have to pay support it is money that he could earn if he wasn’t a jerk. And if he had pulled his weight, we wouldn’t need to divorce in the first place. IU’m the same as Greener Apple’s sister – i hope to make enough so it doesn’t hurt. And then every extra that i make will be mine alone.

         1. This is why I am glad I dumped Alan. I can’t imageine having to support his lazy tuchus 30 year’s from now when he’s fat and incontenent and peeing on the floor of my apartement. FOOEY!

   5. First, I’m sorry you’re faced with this situation.

      This is second-hand information, obviously, but my parents divorced after 15 years, and my dad must have had the same financial frustrations that you do (thankfully he never complained to me or my siblings, though). He paid child and spousal support for years, but even after the recent market woes is still retiring right on time in a few months.

      Third-hand, my husband’s parents divorced after 20ish years and had to dismantle their small business in the proceedings in addition to dividing retirement accounts and all the rest, which was a huge financial hit.

      In both cases, the higher earner rebounded fairly quickly… much more so than the person who was entitled to spousal support. I would guess that most people can’t maintain the lifestyle to which they’ve become accustomed in the immediate aftermath of a divorce, but I assume you’re in your 30s or 40s, and that is PLENTY of time to rebuild retirement savings if you have a steady income and prioritize saving. In my opinion, finances are not a reason to stick out a miserable marriage.

      1. I’m actually in my 50s. Which raises the question, “Which is more horrifying? Taking a huge financial hit this late in the game, or reconciling myself to being this miserable for the rest of my life, which isn’t looking to be all that long in the scheme of things at this point?”

         I feel like really, this year is my last chance to get out and still have some good years before I’m just plain old!

   6. You only get one life. Your time and your life and your happiness are the most valuable things in it – if you are in an awful marriage, I’m guessing you’re not enjoying your time with your spouse and nothing (short of sheer poverty maybe) should be worth that. Take the financial hit, you will be able to live a lower stress, happier, more fulfilling life and that is what matters.

      1. This. OP, I’m divorced (although at a very different stage of life). About a year after my divorce, I came very close to dying. Not like someone almost hit my car or I almost got on a plane that crashed – I was laying on a gurney, fully conscious of the fact that my life was slipping away like the tide running out.

         Since that day, I’m ever-aware that this is the only shot at this life that we get (I believe in an afterlife, but that’s not *this* life). You’re in your fifties – if you’re not living the life you want now, when are you going to live it?

   7. My parents are in the process of divorcing. They are in their early 60’s. They are each going to take a huge financial hit for a variety of reasons, and have less time to re-build their savings and prepare for retirement.

      You’re unhappy and regret not leaving previously. You still have time to re-build your savings and prepare for retirement. Yes, your standard of living will temporarily suffer. But it seems like getting a divorce will be better for you in the long run.

   8. What about a trial separation? Physically separate and start leading separate lives while you decide if this is what you want for good. Unless he files for divorce or support in the meantime, you will only have to support yourself. Only do this if you have consulted with an attorney and live in a state where that wouldn’t constitute abandonment and a fault based divorce which could cause you further financial issues. Also, has he said anything about wanting support? If you both agree on the terms of your divorce you may be able to file an agreed to order dividing the assets as you two decide. You only end up paying support if he asks for it and you only pay half your retirement if he wants it. I’ve found male clients less likely to fight for those things (pride/shame?) than female clients.

      1. No, he hasn’t said anything about wanting support. I would like to think he’d be a big enough man to forego it. But he is in complete denial and will be Very Surprised in a Bad Way when I drop this on him. And I will not be at all surprised if he decides to fight and be nasty.

         And he is older than I am and he is going to need some retirement funds for sure. Unless I can get him to take the house and waive everything else, which might be a pretty good deal for me. But your point is taken — everything is negotiable unless we actually have a trial.

         My tentative plan is to do a Katie Holmes — get all my ducks in a row, decide what I want and what my bottom line is, have a settlement agreement drafted and ready to go, have a plan for physical separation, and then BAM! Put it in action and don’t look back.

         1. I’m sorry you’re in this situation and I agree with others that it’s not worth staying in a crappy marriage just to not take a financial hit. But I would advise against blindsiding your husband with a drafted settlement agreement on top of it all. He’s not Tom Cruise and his stakes are decidedly different. Getting your ducks in a row is smart, but whipping out an agreement just seems a little cruel. He’s going to be in for a shock already. Why not sit him down when you’re ready, explain to him that you don’t think it will work any longer, that you’d like to do it amicably, that you’d like to talk to him about how to proceed when he is ready and then present him with the framework for what you are thinking. I can tell you that if it was me, getting presented with a drafted agreement when I didn’t even know a split was coming would only make me want to go to war with you and I am about as great and rational a person as you could ever hope to split up from.

            1. That’s a great point. When I say “drafted and ready to go,” I mean drafted, ready to go, and safely in my attorney’s file cabinet until it’s needed — after Not-Tom-Cruise and I have had a discussion similar to the one you describe. He wouldn’t ever need to know it was drafted in advance.

   9. I’m divorced and walked away from everything; I took a pretty big hit and ended up having to take the house (or sue for breach of contract and likely have a mortgage default on my credit or declare bankruptcy – not options for me). I am in much better financial shape than I thought I would be at this point (not to mention in better financial shape than I was pre-divorce).

   10. I am a little surprised that no one asked if this couple had been to counseling. Just because someone has thought about divorce before doesn’t mean much if they’ve never dealt with the issue or issues that made them think about it before. There’s a lot of anger in the post. It makes me thing that they have something to talk about. Obviously, I could be wrong since there are no details as to why it is so awful.

       1. Yes, we have been to counseling, and yes I’m pretty angry for what I consider to be pretty good reasons. Suffice to say he won’t talk and that’s pretty much the deal-breaking issue.

   11. It is money that you owe. Think of it not as money that he is stealing from you, but money you owe to end the agreement. You made the decision to marry him, it didn’t work, and now there is money you could pay to get out of it. It is an unexpected financial toll, for sure, but if you suddenly had a huge medical bill, you wouldn’t say aww but I wanted to retire early. Well you can’t retire if you are sick, and you can’t retire if you hate your spouse. It stinks whenever unexpected expenses come up, but if you total your car you don’t say well now I can’t leave the house. You say darn it, I need to pay for a new car.

       1. Thanks for this. I’ve actually been through this once before, many many years ago, and that was exactly what I told myself. Turns out it’s a little harder this time when there’s more at stake! But it’s still sensible advice!

   12. You want to live the end of your days with this man? There is a good possibility that he will have a stroke, and you will be helping him bathe. Or, vice versa, he will be changing your diapers? A

2. Hi ladies,

   I’m reaching out for some e-hugs or advice. I just found out today I have some type of HSV (don’t know if it’s 1 or 2) that I got from either a one-night stand last week or my ex. I have only had s*xual contact with these two people, and I feel crushed to learn that I have this despite not being promiscuous generally. I really regret the one-night stand now and I hate myself for doing this (just once I wanted to be irresponsible and carefree and look what happens). I know that it should not be a big deal but I feel dirty and terrible. I dread having to tell future s*xual partners and feel like I cannot tell my friends. I dread having to confront either one of these two past s*xual partners about this. I want to pull myself together and move forwards because I know this should not be the end of the world, but I’m having trouble.

   1. when I say that I have HSV, I guess I mean I’m having an outbreak down there and they said by sight that it was HSV and would test to see if it was 1 or 2.

      1. I am very sorry, it happens alot more then you think even to respecibel girls like us. My dad warns me all the time to pretend to hold a dime between my knee’s when with a guy. Not onley is it good for that, it also keep’s him out of the bedroom where we can get into TROUBEL fast.

         But I hope you get past this. FOOEY on men and their diseased weeners. FOOEY!

   2. oh hon, I’m so sorry. this is such a tough thing to deal with. but it’s NOT your “fault” or a result of anything “dirty” or bad that you did– it’s a virus, like a cold but cr*ppier, that could happen to anyone who’s sexually active, no matter how “active” they are, a cr*ppy fact of which you are unfortunately proof.

      this is not at all comparable to what you’re going through, but to put the virus-nature of this in perspective, 80% of sexually active people have some form of HPV (either the warts or the invisible abnormalities)– 80%! that’s not people being promiscuous or “dirty”– that’s an unfortunate quirk of biology.

      anyway, no specific advice, just hugs and sympathy.

      1. Aw hon. This is such a hard thing to be dealing with. I just wanted to chime in on the dealing-with-the-shame front–I had HPV for a while (fortunately, it’s gone now) and, even though I think of myself as a sex-positive, Modern Woman and all of that, I still felt like this was the universe’s way of telling me a was a wh**e and bringing the hammer of judgment down on my life choices. Disclosing it to the boyfriend I acquired while I was positive was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die of shame and never come out. But he handled it with equanimity and grace–and honestly, if he hadn’t, and had tried to make me feel dirty or wrong, I wouldn’t have wanted to be with him anyway. So for the men that matter to you, it won’t matter to them.

         I know it feels like this is the end of your life (or it did for me), but it really isn’t. It’s just a thing. A thing that sucks, but you will get through it.

   3. There was an anon that posted about pretty much the exact same thing last year. Maybe a search of this site will pull up the thread? I think there were some helpful comments.

      Actually- I think it was from October 2012. Because I remember dragging my butt to the dr to get tested out of paranoia. :)

      1. okay, I will go read that. thank you! I know in my head that it is a relatively common thing but I can’t get my emotional response to be in line with that logic.

      2. I’m that anon poster from last year. Life went on, after all! If you go back and read my post, you will see that I was completely and utterly freaking out about it – really felt like my life was over, for several weeks. Kept my office door closed, cried quite a lot. Thank god I did at least have the sense to keep my mouth shut, after reading some advice to do so – at first, I wanted to tell everyone bc, dammit, why should I feel so ashamed?! isn’t everyone’s reluctance to talk about it, and how common it is, just underscoring that it’s a dirty secret and furthering the social stigma?! But I’m glad I didn’t – it is nice to have some distance from the diagnosis and not have to think about it every day anymore.

         As to what to expect – first outbreak was like 9 or 10 spots that took about a week to go away and were quite uncomfortable. At my very next period, I had one more outbreak (just one little spot) which disappeared after a couple of days (I immediately started the meds once it popped up). Then I just went on the daily anti-virals so I wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore. They have completely quashed any symptoms, and it’s been about 5 months. When I finally got my diagnosis – it was HSV type 1, and I had no antibodies (ie, was definitely not the carrier).

         I’d say that it hasn’t changed my everyday life one little bit, once I got over the horrible shame I was feeling – for a while there, I felt defective, like everyone would think less of me if they knew, and it was constantly on my mind. I’d like to say that it hasn’t changed my life overall, but frankly I haven’t been with anyone new since – and it makes me uncomfortable to think about the disclosure conversation I’ll have to have one day. I’m sure that day will come, but I haven’t met anyone that I have been serious enough about to want to broach the subject and tell my “horrible secret” (which is still how it feels sometimes – though everyone on here is absolutely correct – it is JUST a virus that causes some mild discomfort to your skin for a couple of days every few years, if even that much (though it may be more frequent if it’s type 2) – it is not a judgment or statement about you, or me, as a person).

         And – FWIW – I talked to both possible culprits shortly after finding out. And, both were very kind and supportive and apologetic and went to get tested themselves right away. Both had antibodies for HSV type 1 – it is that common. So, no answers. But that’s ok.

         1. One more thing – I said that I’m glad that I didn’t tell everyone, and I am – but I am also very glad that I told my 2 best friends, who talked me back down from crazy town. I felt so incredibly isolated before that, and like I would always feel that way from that point on. It was terrible. Don’t do that to yourself, if you have someone in your life whom you can trust and confide in.

         2. anon, thank you so much for the follow up!! I read your past post and it mirrors my current state of mind exactly. I am still completely freaking out. The outbreak itself isn’t too terrible, it’s more just the knowledge that I will be stuck with this thing for the rest of my life, what did I do to deserve it, etc.etc. I guess I’m also terrified no one will want to be with me anymore because they won’t want the risk of acquiring it. It’s comforting to hear that you feel so much better and have gotten over it and to know that that will happen to me too, hopefully. I still don’t know if I have the heart to tell anyone about it and I’m so scared that they will just judge me forever.

   4. Also, please wait to worry until you have test results. Something similar happened to me, and I had issues in the garden. Doc told me that it had to be HSV and did a test. I had a reaction very similar to yours. The test was negative, and I did not have HSV. Easier said than done, I know, but please try to relax!

   5. Oh big e-hugs to you. Honestly, I feel like I should say welcome to the club. As another poster said, so many people have some form of this that you are truly not alone. It just feels that way today.

      I was diagnosed at 18 after having had only two partners. After getting over the shock and anger of it (and thinking that my brand new s3x life was over), I finally opened up to a few very close friends only to find out that one of my best friends also had it. I will tell you the same thing that I was told while I was trying to process this: It does not make you dirty. It does not make you any less beautiful in any way. You will be ok. It is a skin disease (that is generally pretty manageable), that’s it. It happens and it will not rule your life.

      As for telling future partners, I can tell you this: some will be princes and some will be trolls, and you may not know who will fall into what category until you are there. My husband ended up being a prince about it. I cried when I told him, and he said, “Ok. We can deal with this. It doesn’t change how I feel about you.” Nine years of marriage and 1 kiddo later and he is still my prince.

   6. Hugs. I was diagnosed with HPV 2 years into a relationship with the only person I had been with. I had the same shame feelings etc. you did (and a lot of rage). It happens to the best of us! More hugs.

   7. I have no advice, but I have hugs! I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and send good vibes your way.

3. Why does Amtrak wifi suck *SO MUCH*?!

4. I don’t wear peep-toes to work anyhow, but I don’t understand this teeny tine peep-toe. I’m guessing you wouldn’t wear nylons with them? Otherwise I like the shoe. I’ve been seeing a lot of t-straps lately, and earlier this week someone here helpfully pointed out that they negate the otherwise stumpifying effect of ankle straps.

   1. The other bonus of t-straps is that they do stay on well with nylons, which is a problem for me and other dress shoes. The peep toe aspect of this pair negates that bonus though for me. I jsut can’t bring myself to wear nylons or tights with peep toes.

   2. I like everything about this shoe except for the mini-peep. Like, what is the point of that? I don’t even get it. If I’m going to wear a peep toe I want to be able to show off my pedicure, not like, the tip of one toe.

      But I am very happy to see t- and ankle-straps being a thing. They make walking so much easier.

5. Birthday Threadjack:
   My 30th birthday is quickly approaching. This birthday feels like a real milestone for me and I’d like to buy myself a gift. I am thinking something along the lines of jewelry, possibly earrings. I love the look of Ippolita jewelry, but am not sure of the brand in terms of quality vs. price. Does anyone have any experience with Ippolita or know of anything similar to the below link? My limit is about $1000. I mostly wearing sterling silver/white gold, but am not opposed to yellow gold. Any advice is greatly appreciated!

   http://www.saksfifthavenue.com/main/ProductDetail.jsp?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374306418050&PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524446570952&R=886969153588&P_name=Ippolita&N=4294912280+306418050&bmUID=jR3TB_K

   1. No experience with the brand but they are pretty.

   2. I don’t have experience with this particular brand but think that generally branded jewelry is overpriced. These are very pretty but I’m surprised that for the cost, they are not screwbacks. Nordstroms has a similar pair from the same company (at a much lower price point) with good reviews: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/ippolita-rock-candy-teeny-teardrop-earrings/3074137?cm_cat=datafeed&cm_ite=ippolita_'rock_candy_-_teeny_teardrop'_earrings:284199&cm_pla=jewelry:women:earring&cm_ven=Google_Product_Ads&mr:referralID=003737b0-8771-11e2-9dea-001b2166becc
      I’d suggest getting a classic piece of jewelry, like diamond studs, to celebrate your birthday. These are very pretty but don’t seem like they’d be very versatile. Happy birthday!

      1. It depends on your wardrobe. In mine, the ones she posted would be far more versatile than diamond studs because I would like them more. I would wear them with everything. I think that color goes with everything, and I like bigger earrings better (like I would love diamond studs, but only if they were huge and way out of my price range). On a similar note, I like the ones she posted much better than these cheaper ones.

         My point is only that versatility depends on how you would incorporate them into your own wardrobe.

   3. I have several pieces of Ippolita jewelry (started when they were just a brand new name, not the massively successive company they are today). I’m not sure about how price necessarily compares to other brands, really, but I loooooooove my pieces and they have held up really well, with near-daily wear.

   4. If you’re open to secondhand/ vintage, I see Ippolita stuff on beladora dot com from time to time. I haven’t bought anything from this site before but use it as a price reference before buying at a B&M store, because their pricing seems very fair.

6. Hair Help!

   I have SERIOUSLY greasy hair – as in, if I wash it the night before, it is greasy by the next afternoon. I think that there has to be a shampoo that helps this, right? I have scoured the web, though, and can’t find something to treaty “oily” hair. I have fine and limp hair, but feel like the volumizing shampoo makes it even greasier.

   any ideas?

   1. My hair got better once I started using sulfate free shampoo and conditioner. Right now I am using the tea tree oil shampoo from Trader Joes. The other thing I noticed is that it does much better if I air dry and then style it (with a curling iron or something else) versus blow dry it straight. When I straighten it, it seems that the oil just “slides” down super quick, and then I have to wash again. I used to was every day, but now its more like every other day.

   2. There was just a post about this exact issue recently. I have the same hair and started using California Baby shampoo, which is sulfate-free, and it seems to really help. I do not use conditioner on a daily basis – just on the ends once in a while. My hair feels thicker and does not feel quite so fine and oily. I agree that air drying it helps, and it turns out that I kind of like the wave in my hair after air-drying.

      1. I love CA Baby shampoo! I use ‘adult’ shampoo periodically because I think I must be missing something but always go back.

         Conditioning just the tips of your hair (below neckline) helps cut down grease when you have long hair that needs the conditioner. I like Desert Essence Coconut (fyi, some of their other types have made my hair heavy and greasy).

   3. My teenage daughter had greasy hair and we used a clarifying shampoo once a week and tea tree oil shampoo and conditioner every day. We bought them both from Sally’s (the clarifying shampoo was in a white bottle with a blue lid, but I can’t remember the brand.)

   4. THANK YOU! trying baby shampoo immediately.
      I already do the air dry – to no avail. i’ll try anything at this point.

   5. Have you tried not washing it? I used to swim daily, and always washed the chlorine out. On the days I didn’t swim, my hair was instantly oily. I figured I just had oily hair. It took a while, but I have gotten the follicles accustomed to much less frequent washing (It goes halfway down my back and I wash it about every 10 days). Next time you’re away from work for several days straight, just don’t wash it until the 3rd day. Do that for 2 or 3 3-day cycles, and I bet every other will be a breeze.

      And if you’ve already tried this and are rolling your eyes–my apologies!

   6. I have similar hair. Mine gives me headaches if I don’t wash it daily. I have found that the best solution for me to is to use a variety of shampoos and rotate every few days. Here’s what has been in my rotation recently:

      1) V05 shampoo. I fondly refer to it as “paint thinner”, especially the clarifying one, but anything that isn’t moisturizing will do the trick. This plus a decent conditioner has been my go-to for a few years. Sometimes I mix in Patene’s clarifying shampoo (the clear one that has purple accents).
      2) Sulfate-free shampoos. I just started trying these out and I’m still getting used to them. My hair is greasier than when I use the Vo5, but I’ve been using a lot less of the conditioner. So far I tried Burt’s Bees volumizing pomegranate one and the L’oreal volumizing one, and I think I prefer the L’oreal, but I like having more than one. I’ve also started washing my hair twice while in the shower, which helped. Because I go through so much shampoo, I’ve tried to stick with the drug store brands for the sulfate-free (also, I was used to paying $1.75 for the V05).
      3) Clarifying shampoo once (or twice) a week. I like Neutrogena’s. I was able to skip this while using the V05, not so much since I switched to the sulfate-free ones.

   7. This might sound weird, but I dye my hair to combat greasiness. The dye roughs up my (very straight and smooth) hair a little bit and helps it to absorb oil. I dye it the same color as my natural hair color for simplicity.

   8. I have had a bad case of greasy hair in the last month due to pregnancy. Once a week I make a hair mask from orange juice and yogurt and apply it for a 10 min before washing. It’s brought down the greasiness by a lot and I can go two days without washing it. Shampooing, no matter what brand I use only gives temporary relief from greasiness

7. Threadjack – Can anyone recommend a good event planner / wedding planner in the DC area? I am the last person on the planet who should be planning a wedding, and need someone who will help me get sh*t done. Bonus points for planner being down to earth. Thank you!

   1. Emilie at Bliss Wedding + Events is fabulous, and reasonably priced. Can’t recommend enough.

      1. http://www.weddingsandeventsbliss.com/

   2. No recommendations, but google A Practical Wedding – they have many recommendations for all kinds of vendors, including wedding planners, that are down to earth and usually budget friendly (or at least friendlier, compared to others more entrenched in The Industry). Congrats on the wedding!

      1. I found my wedding planner through A Practical Wedding. Katie at The Plannery — she’s new to DC, but has experience in event planning. She has done a great job keeping me on track and minimizing panicking.

         I also second the idea of picking a venue that provides most of what you need — the one we went with doesn’t. If I didn’t have a planner it would be insane-making.

         1. I agree. I didn’t realize how much it would help to go with a venue that gives you a package deal and takes care of most of the details for you. It sounds expensive to hear the total number up front, but things will add up quickly when you book each vendor separately too. When I started out planning my wedding, I wanted to put in a lot of personal touches but now I’m like, let’s just keep it simple and get it done! I would have saved time and money if I went with a less unique venue and more of a package deal type place.

   3. I don’t have a planner rec, but one thing to consider is picking a venue that will do as many things as possible. If you don’t have to deal with separate vendors/choices for the menu, linens, flowers, cake, table numbers, dj/band, etc. life will be a lot easier.

   4. Loved my guys at Something New LLC.

   5. Our wedding planner was a disaster. In hindsight, I would not have hired him and relied only on our caterer, who was just amazing.

      1. Thanks Bonnie! I’ve been reading old threads and Corcoran Caterers is on our list based on your recommendation.

      2. Yeah, I wish I hadn’t hired my planner. She is not nearly the expert I expected her to be and she pushes us toward more expensive options and doesn’t seem to appreciate that our budget really is as low as we said it is. I would have been much happier to spend that chunk of money on a million other things besides her. Make sure your planner does the kinds of weddings you want (is she comfortable if you do your own flowers, do something nontraditional, etc) and is she really familiar with local vendors (besides just the high-end ones).

   6. I don’t know if you have this already (or if it’s helpful) but go old-fashioned and order the Bride’s Book of Lists. Someone on here recommended it to me and it’s really helpful. I like it because I basically ripped out the checklists and went from there. It helped me get perspective on what things I could manage and what things I immediately wanted to farm out.

8. Must ask this question! I am going to a fondue party tonight (mmm, cheeeeese) and have been asked to bring wine. What type would you recommend?

   1. White- gwertziminer, maybe?

   2. If it’s a traditional fondue with gruyere and emmanthaler, I’d go with a crisp white. Yes to a gewurztraminer or a riesling, or a pinot gris. No to a chardonnay–you need something drier and more acidic to cut through the buttery goodness of cheese :)

      If you want to go red, I’d go with something lighter. A pinot noir or maybe syrah.

   3. But can you bring the Biebs? “Sittin’ by the fire while we eatin’ fondue??”

      1. Anonymous, I <3 you.

         1. Ha ha that was me, of course. Forgot to populate my name. I heart you too, Herbie.

   4. But can you bring the Biebs? “Sittin’ by the fire while we eatin’ fondue?”

      1. NEEDS MOAR BIEBER.

      2. The Biebs like to have fondue while he’s feeling philosophical.

   5. Is this a euphemism? Because, in that case, box wine?

9. A question that I’m sure has been asked here before….how much do you spend to get your hair cut? I just do a cut and blowout – no color – and my stylist just went up to $95 from $75. I’m not sure what the norm is, and I hate paying $120 just for a haircut. But I also like my stylist and fear trying someone new. Frankly one of the reasons I stopped getting bobs/pixie cuts was the constant visits to the salon. It’s longer now and I can finally go 8 full weeks without a cut.

   1. Where are you? I used to pay $75 for cut and blow in Southern California, and now pay $60 or so in DC.

      1. NYC. I looked around at a few salons when I moved here – even where I live in NJ – and they were all in the same price range. I used to live in DC where I paid $60-$75. Before that I lived in central NJ and paid $48.

         1. I pay $95 for a cut & blow-dry in north Jersey. It’s more when I get color, as you would expect. My stylist got promoted within the last year and her fee increased from $75 (I think).

         2. I pay $125 for a haircut in NYC, excluding tip, for a cut and blowout.

            1. Me too. The guy who cuts it (Cutler on W. 57th) is so great that I can easily go 8 or 10 weeks between appointments, so I think it’s worth it.

         3. I see a stylist in Astoria and she only charges me $45 for a cut and blowout. She used to work at a salon but now has her own studio set up in her apartment. I really like her a lot and its nice to feel like I’m hanging out watching TV or a movie with a friend instead of being in a busy salon. I just can’t bring myself to pay more than $100 for a cut even though I tend to think of my hair as my best feature (and something I suppose I should be willing to spend a lot on).

   2. I spend around $200 (with 20-25% tip) for color/cut/blowout every six weeks.

   3. I pay $170 every 3 months for cut/color/blowdry. I’m in the Boston area. That’s not including tip.

   4. I spend $60, Boston suburb, just a cut/blowdry.

   5. I pay around $60 for cut & style, no color, in Calgary

   6. I spend $80 plus tip every eight weeks on a cut and blowdry. It’s a lot but I consider it worth it because a) I like my stylist and b) it really is a treat. I feel pampered and relaxed after I get back, so it’s worth it for me to go to a slightly nicer and more expensive place.

   7. I’m pretty cheap, and keep my hair pretty simple (long layers), so I usually just go to one of the chain salons. Last time was Regis at the mall, and it was $30+tip. (I thought that this was too much, BTW – I was much happier with my old Fantastic Sams at $16, but we’ve moved away since then.)

   8. Find out the charge for the blow dry/style. It might make more sense to just have it cut and leave with it wet and go straight home and dry it. One salon was charging 25 bucks for the blow dry and I lived five minutes away. While it is not fun leaving a salon with wet hair and looking weird, it can be a ton cheaper.

   9. I’m in So Cal. I pay $80 for color maintenance, $180 for highlights, $65 for a cut, and $300 (ouch!) for a Brazilian blowout. Plus tips.

      1. Blow dry included in all of the above, BTW.

   10. I am so happy I live in BFE! $35 including tip for a cut and blowout, $90 including tip for a cut, foils, and blowout!

   11. I pay an obscene amount – I think its around 175. But I go to a top very A list guy (literally, Claire Danes and Blake Lively among his clients). I justify it because hair is “my one thing” – i don’t spend a lot on makeup, i don’t get things waxed, etc. He’s also so good that I honestly get my hair cut half as much as I used to with my last place (in a different city), so I also justify it as working out over all. Anyway moving on from the justification!!
       Where I’m going with this is that his price has gone up recently (i know up from that – craaaazy), to over 200. I simply told him it was getting to be too much for me, so he grandfathered me in to his rate when I started with him. Maybe just talk to your stylist and say $95 is too much. I would hope they would keep you in your current price bracket to keep you as a client.

   12. I’m in Boston. I pay $65 (plus tip) for cut and blow dry.

   13. This just confirms my long-held suspicion that I’m the cheapest cheap-o there is. I’ve been going to an Aveda hair school for a ridiculous ten years. Cuts are now about $30 (with blowout), half-head color foils (i.e., highlights, not single-process or anything) with a cut and blowout are $90ish. There are a bunch throughout the country (search for Aveda hair institutes) and they offer a bunch of other services, too.

       I have to say, I’ve only had one bad experience the whole time (my definition of “blonder” wasn’t the same as my stylist’s) which was probably due to my own lack of precision in describing what I wanted more than anything. And I when I’ve used their color services I’ve gotten lots of compliments, including from other hair stylists.

       I have considered going to higher-priced places a few times, most recently when I chopped off all my hair a la Anne Hathaway (well, that was the hope), but then I just couldn’t bring myself to spring for it. And to be honest, the cut came out f-i-n-e. Now that I’m getting cuts every six weeks on the dot, darned if I’m not going to keep going to the inexpensive hair school.

   14. Hair is not one of the things I choose to spend a lot of money on so I normally go to a place at the mall. It’s $30 plus tax and tip (in a very HCOL area). I’ve had $100 hair cuts and can’t tell the difference so it doesn’t make sense for me to spend the money.

   15. I pay $40 in Denver, CO.

   16. I live in New York, but I only get my haircut when I go to India. I don’t get my haircut very often. It costs about $3. (plus the flight, but I usually was planning to go anyway!)

10. Can anyone point me to a site with tips writing resumes and cover letters for consulting jobs? My searches are failing me!

    1. There’s managementconsulted.com

    2. She’s not specific to consulting, but Alison at askamanager.org is fabulous. Lots of work and job searching advice. I know she will occasionally answer questions from people who have consulting backgrounds so hopefully some of it can help you.

       1. Agreed. She is fantastic and really answers a lot of specifics too. I bought her e-book and it gave me some peace of mind.

11. If anyone in the DC area is considering using a Nordstrom personal stylist, I highly recommend Candace Kent at the Tyson’s Corner store. She was amazingly friendly and helpful and found me a dress to get married in that cost $138. I was dreading the wedding dress shopping experience tremendously, and she made it pleasant and efficient. I would give her all my future business except that I had to rent a car to get out to Tyson’s. Once the silver line is running I will shop with Candace exclusively (if she’s still there), but until then I’m just trying to recommend her to everyone I know.

    — D.C. Jenn.y

    1. Congrats on getting one more thing down. I’m also dreading the whole dress shopping experience, so I’ll have to visit her.

       Truth be told, I am dreading the whole wedding planning experience 100% (except for the marriage part), but people freak out when I say that out loud. Thanks for the rec.

       1. I don’t know why women are expected to love wedding planning. My mom did a lot of it for me. One day she asked what I was most looking forward to about the wedding, and I said “leaving”. I really didn’t give a hoot about napkin rings or seating arrangements.

       2. There is nothing I hate more than planning my wedding, so you are definitely not alone. On the upside, when you expect it all to suck then when it’s fun, it’s a nice surprise. So far I give dress shopping with my friends and cake-tasting two thumbs up. Good luck!

       3. Really? I had entirely too much fun. Probably because my parents kicked in a lump sum and said “do whatever you want” and my husband and I paid for the rest. I planned the whole thing myself, with an assist from the location who provided a “day of” planner to meet vendors and oversee set up.

          The LA Times used to have a book called “The Bride’s Book of Lists.” That was very helpful. I had a pretty clear vision of what I wanted, and had planned lots of events and dinners for up to around 2000 people, so planning for 200 where I didn’t have to also deal with food wasn’t too bad (the venue provided). The best decision I made was to have live music – a string quartet for the ceremony itself, and a blues band (my dad is a blues musician) which started around dessert and played until about 11:30. It was great. Strings cost me about $1000 and the band was about $2500, plus I made sure they all had dinner plates too, which got more “thank yous” thank I expected – apparently people aren’t feeding their musicians.

          Anyway, it can be a lot of fun! Especially tasting cake, food, and auditioning bands.

          1. Aha! I couldn’t remember who, but I just posted above. Seriously, that book is amazing. I love it so much, it’s actually made planning fun because it’s easy to get through and didn’t contain 900 ridiculous things you ‘have to do.’

    2. Glad to see you here DC Jenny. I hope wedding planning is going well!

    3. Congratulations, Jenny! I agree- fooey on wedding planning.

12. I am curious about a situation that has cropped up in my small law firm and am hoping the collective wisdom here can help me sort it out. I tried to be vague as to not out myself, so I apologize if it sounds like a strange question!

    My question is as follows: Do you expect to be given the same perks in your job as other employees who are at the same level as you? (I’m sure there’s a legal answer to this as well, so I’m interested in the legal answer, and the gut level answer.)

    Some background: I am an attorney in a small firm, and live far from my office. Due to an arrangement with my boss dating back to when he hired me (I consider the arrangement part of my compensation) my travel to and from work is arranged and paid for (about an hour and a half each way). The purpose for this is so that I can work (and bill) while I am traveling.
    Should all other attorneys in my office also have this arrangement? What if one wanted to move to my city now, then should she automatically be given it?

    1. I’d expect a similar level of typical perks – same arrangement on vacation days, sick time, office kitchen privileges, etc. But since transportation to and from work is usually the responsibility of the employee, I wouldn’t consider your arrangement as typical.

       In terms of fairness (as opposed to legalness) I would think she should have to negotiate for it. It’s an arrangement that you and your employer worked out for your specific situation so that you would be able to work with that employer. It’s outside of the typical sort of workplace accommodation , so I wouldn’t say it’s an automatic gimmee.

       On the legal side – I believe that unless it’s a plan governed by ERISA (which is typically health care and retirement type plans – tax favored type stuff), you don’t have to treat all employees the same in terms of perks/benefits. So, I don’t think your employer is obligated to offer that transportation benefit to everyone, but it might be worth clearing with an expert.

    2. No, I think in small firms it is every person for him or herself. E.g. you negotiate your own compensation and perks. Different from lockstep firms.

       As an anecdote – I am paid X + 20K, while another attorney at my firm is paid X. We are at the same class level. I came in from a strong negotiating position and so got a higher salary. I don’t consider the other person to automatically be entitled to the same $$ as I get.

       1. This. Also for vacation time too.

    3. In your case, it should be up to the boss/HR. Ideally the company would disclose this non-standard benefit to all new hires, but I understand they might not want to.
       You consider transportation part of your compensation package. Maybe your pay is less than the other person’s based on this additional benefit (of course, other things like seniority, specialization etc will matter here). Bottom line, not your decision.

    4. Agree with the above. It is a common recommendation, if your firm can’t offer more cash negotiate for more vacation time or other perks instead.

    5. Thanks for the feedback! My inclination was to agree with what was said above, but I was second guessing myself because I mentioned the situation to two separate people (my SO and a good friend) and both were adamant that “everyone should be treated equally”.

       And yes, I know that really it’s none of my business but it was bothering me that my opinion differed from my friends’ and I wanted some reassurance on my stance. I’m glad to know I wasn’t off base.

13. I am not sure about these particular shoes, mainly because of the tiny peep toe, but just wanted to say I am so happy to see gentle souls featured here. They are the most amazing, quality and comfort-wise. A lot of them are frumpy and most are too casual for work but the ones I have I can walk in for days on end. My legs may get tired, but my feet feel just fine.

14. Kind of fun : say you had an interview for a position within the headquarters of a major clothing company with a distinct brand (think Anthropologie, J. Crew, etc.). What would you wear?

    1. I think this has come up here before, actually. I think the consensus was to wear mostly that brand’s clothing, but ideally older pieces so it was obvious you didn’t just run out and raid their store. I’d also add fun accessories.

15. Confession:

    I wore skinny jeans and riding boots to work today. Its really snowy here today, and I’m tired and wanted to be comfy. I just found out that the other surgeon in town is going to close his practice, so I will be the only general surgeon in town, which is great from a bottom line perspective for me, but a little scary in the “setting boundaries and saying no perspective.”

    Two other random thoughts:
    1) I posted here a month or so ago about feeling generally overwhelmed about life about 6 weeks postpartum. I told my doctor about it, told my husband about it and am feeling much better. I didn’t need to go on medication, but I definitely would have had things not calmed down on their own. I am trying to ask for help more, and it actually works.

    2) Curvy women: I just bought Gap’s curvy skinny jeans (online only) and they. are. awesome for those of us with junk in the trunk. They go high enough over my bottom that I don’t have plumbers crack, but tuck into my boots well. Highly recommend.

    1. Yay! On all accounts!

    2. I think all bets are off when it’s snowing in your town, EC, so I think your outfit is good. So glad to hear you’re feeling better. And how exciting about the guaranteed line of business headed your way. How are you ever going to get a day off is definitely a different question.

16. I’ve always shopped for bras mostly at Victoria’s Secret because it was convenient and what I was used to, but never felt like they fit me quite right. I FINALLY got my act together and went for a fitting at Nordstrom, and oh my goodness! I was wearing the wrong size (which I had been told I probably was by every blog ever) and after buying a bunch of new ones I’m amazed at how much of a difference it makes! I had been wearing a band size that was too large and a cup size that was too small. My clothes all fit and look so much better now. I realize most of you successful women are probably way ahead of me on the “wear undergarments that actually fit you” concept but if anyone hasn’t had a fitting in a while, go do it. Also I believe I had seen Natori recommended here before; most of the bras I got are Natori and I love them so far, so thanks ladies!

    1. I will not do a Nordstrom fitting because I’d have to pay full price, which I.never.do. So after reading “every blog ever” I just bought bras with smaller band and larger cup size at my favorite discount stores, to the same effect.
       I also love Natori, though my No.1 is Felina.

       1. Actually the Nordstrom fitters will bring you sale bras if you make that request.

          1. And you don’t actually have to buy anything, even if you do get fitted.

             1. And you can find the Natori bras at Nordstrom Rack for less than full price.

    2. I had the same revolutionary experience when I went for a Nordie’s bra fitting a couple of years ago. It shocked me to the core since I had thought that by my age, I knew how to buy clothes that fit. Apparently not. I second both Nordie’s and Natori.

    3. And for those of us in NYC without a Nordstrom, I also recommend getting fitted at Intimacy. It was wonderful.

       1. I got fitted there in Boston and it was wonderful. It’s turned me into a lingerie addict. the right bra (right cup size and band size) makes me look like I’ve lost 10-15 lbs (according to all the people who keep asking me if I’ve lost weight).

17. I thought I would do a PSA for these. If you want Via Spiga heels in basic colors- these are 50% off and available in a lot of sizes.

    http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/via-spiga-harrietta-pump-nordstrom-exclusive/3294008?origin=category&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=CAPPUCCINO+LEATHER&resultback=5046

    1. Do you own these? I’m desperate for a pair of nude for me pumps and these look as though they’ll fit the bill. Curious as to quality, however.

       1. No, I don’t own them.

18. Does anyone remember a while ago Kat wrote a meta-post about the process of blogging? I tried to find it but couldn’t… apparently my google-fu skills are not up to par. My mom and I are planning to start a blog together and just in the process of researching ideas, ex: which website to use? how to start? Also, while I’m asking this if any bloggers have newbie tips it would be greatly appreciated!

    1. I missed the thread you are talking about, Pumpkin, but I’d love this information as well.

    2. WordPress is your friend. I recommend starting with a wordpress.com site and upgrading to a custom-made/hosted site down the line if you find that blogging works for you. Good luck!

19. My sister is moving to Nashville, just bought a house and has a birthday today. I’m totally late on a gift (and we live in different states) so I was thinking of doing an online gift certificate. My first thought was Crate & Barrel, but they don’t have one in Nashville.

    I could always do Amazon, but maybe there’s something local or more house related? I’d love some ideas!

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