Coffee Break: Sasha Hobo

gigi new yorkI still love the bright blue GiGi New York clutch I got as swag at a recentish blogger event (they even put my initials on it!), and I wholeheartedly recommend you take a look at the winter sale they have going on right now through the end of the week. For my clutch at least, the leather is supple and rich, the color is vibrant, and while my date-night clutch doesn’t get a lot of action (waaah) I have no complaints about how it’s holding up. With the pictured bag, while no one is going to mistake it for a Bottega Veneta, I like the similar classy “no logo” vibe — it’s just a great leather bag. And, it’s a killer sale — the pictured bag was $575, but is now marked to $230.  Wine Sasha Hobo

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  1. following up from yesterday :

    Following up on yesterday, when I asked:

    A friend told me she is considering applying to this program I am seeing a lot of positive things online and it seems from the surface like a solid legit thing but I know some here are better at knowing about this area.

    Any thoughts/feedback I could share with her?

    Her goal is to work from home, creating curriculum for schools or writing lesson plans or textbook chapters (or a mix of these). Would this degree get her in that right path? She currently has a BS in Human Development and a Master’s degree in psych/social work and has done extensive writing at the professional level, and she wants to expand on it. She is thinking that, with so many schools adding online coursework and this seeming to be the future of education (to have online options), she might be getting in on something useful that would allow her to work remotely and independently. This isn’t my area though so I do not know what to tell her and would appreciate advice!

    • Anonymous :

      I mean, I hope for your friend’s sake she is doing her own research into the industry, has contacts, meeting with people who are familiar with that kind of work, etc.

    • Source: I am currently working as an instructional designer.

      WGU is a legit institution but doesn’t have the name recognition of many schools with robust online programs. I’ve heard good things about their ID/curriculum and instruction classes but have never taken one myself.

      Here’s the deal. If she’s hoping to get into curriculum writing/instructional design for K-12, she will find it nearly impossible to get a job without K-12 classroom teaching experience. All the jobs I’ve seen for IDs for K-12 curriculum want classroom experience – not just an ed degree.

      If she wants to do higher ed ID/curriculum design, teaching at the college/grad school level will be helpful but strangely, a lot of the jobs don’t require it. ID in many ways is very much a product of the higher education system – years ago, most jobs in ID were at colleges – and there is a very big focus these days on not only converting “sage on the stage” lecture curriculum to something more effective, but in converting instructor-led (classroom) learning to online learning. To that end, if she is serious about this as a career she must take classes and learn how to use online instruction authoring software like Adobe Captivate or Articulate Storyline (preferably both, but she should elect for Storyline if she has to choose). We literally cannot hire enough people with e-learning authoring experience; we have two jobs right now that we have not been able to fill because we can’t find someone who knows Storyline well enough to do the job effectively. If she can get good at e-learning development, she will have no problem finding a job when she graduates. Without that, it will be tougher. So she needs to ask questions and make sure that they’re going to provide her with some kind of exposure or learning opportunities to work with Captivate or Storyline. Otherwise, she’ll need to seek out those experiences on her own (not hard to do – my local university extended learning program has classes) and make sure she has products to show by the time she graduates.

      Good luck to your friend. I went back to school 7 years ago to make a career change into ID and I love it. It combines a lot of things I love to do – writing, visual design, and organizing information – in a way that keeps me engaged and interested every day. There is a lot of detail work, but I’m the type of person who enjoys that.

  2. Why is it that every 90s tv show had a girl who was gorgeous but didn’t know it and at least one guy who was always in love with her and willing to be her cheerleader and support person, no matter what she did? Maybe this is why life is so hard for most of us? That we grew up thinking we should have “that guy” and don’t, only to grow up expecting our spouses to mirror what we saw in Disney movies?

    Just a thought.

    Caught a Dawson’s Creek marathon and recently marathoned Gilmore Girls

    • TupeloHoney :

      I was always Team Jess, so this didn’t negatively impact my future relationship prospects. :)

      • Anonymous :

        I interpreted the original comment as saying Jess was this guy for Rory (because Logan comes into the series so late and Dean is creepy) but maybe I misunderstood. Anyway, Rory is a whiny, spoiled brat and that was pretty clear to me even in high school…

      • I was not Team Jess, but I’m confused by this comment. Jess wasn’t good to Rory so you had low expectations?

        • TupeloHoney :

          I always thought Dean was Rory’s supportive boyfriend and cheerleader. As I remember it, Jess was a pit of a challenge as a boyfriend, at least in the early seasons. I just joking that I didn’t necessarily have the problem of too high expectations as a result of watching shows like Gilmore Girls because I always seemed, even as a teen, to be into the “bad boys” rather than the knights in shining armor.

          • Got it! I agree with the assessment of those two characters, at least for the high school seasons. ;)

    • Anonymous :

      Oh man…having a lightbulb moment about myself right now.

    • Anon in NYC :

      Yep. Absolutely.

    • when you put it like that….

    • That is me. I can so relate as the objectively beautiful girl who never manages to get the nice guy and who remains single even as nearly all of my college girlfriends have found men to marry. They all can’t believe I’m still single as I was always going out with men in college. The problem is that those guys did not see me as anything more than arm candy, good for $ex but not someone to bring home to loco parentis. I was a dope for wasting my time with those guys.

  3. DH and I just relocated for his job, and I’m really struggling emotionally with our move. I genuinely loved our old city and our old house, and I lived there for more than 10 years. Our new house is not as nice as our old one (and more expensive) and the new city is a lot bigger and more urban, which is giving me a bit of culture shock. DH moved around a bunch as a kid/young adult, didn’t live in our old city nearly as long as I did, and has lived in New City before, so he’s adjusting fine, whereas I find myself frequently sad and homesick for our old home and city. I’m trying to be positive and find things to appreciate about our new place, but it’s really a challenge for me. Is this normal? Any advice or insight on the adjustment period after moving?

    • Anon in NYC :

      Yes, I think totally normal to feel homesick and sad! I’ve heard it can take 2-3 years to get acclimated to a new location.

      My advice would be to try and get out and do things. Visit museums, parks, find little coffee shops or wine bars, find a gym or sports league of some kind, etc. Especially if you’re in an urban area, walk around the city.

      • +1 all of this

        Every time I have moved I’ve always had a Ron Burgundy “I immediately regret this decision!” moment, but it has generally worked out for me. It takes time.

        • Anon (OP) :

          Loving the Ron Burgundy reference – that’s exactly how I feel right now.

          Thanks for the reassurance, ladies.

    • Anonymous :

      It’s normal.
      If your DH has lived there before, can he introduce you to people and show you around town? I’d be ticked if I moved somewhere for my husband, he was familiar with the area and I wasn’t and he just kind of said “see ya” and turned me loose to do my own thing.

      • Anon (OP) :

        I didn’t mean for my post to imply that DH isn’t trying to help me, just that he’s adjusting to the move much more quickly than I am and since he’s an “experienced mover”, he’s having a hard time relating to how sad I am about our move. He is helping me find my way around town, and he has a handful of old friends in the area that we’re trying to reconnect with, which will hopefully help some.

    • Oh I’ve been there! And my husband is there now!

      One thing that’s helpful for us is searching out “weird” stuff. We even have a book, Weird California, that shows kooky or off-the-beaten-path type stuff. Making a point of going places like that, really soaking up the new locale, helps.

    • It’s totally normal, but for the sake of your relationship you really have to try to get to know and like your new city. I know that is hard but it will make things infinitely better for both of you than sitting around moping. (Not saying that *you* are doing this, but I have had experience in the past with a partner who did.)

    • LondonLeisureYear :

      A move comes with a lot! Maybe you would find this book helpful:

      Something that I always do before a move is to book a bunch of fun activities- dinner reservations, plays, museum outings, so as soon as I get there I can start investigating the city and making it mine.

      Find a friend group – maybe a book club on meet up or a volunteer agency etc. Having familiar friendly faces will help too!

  4. anonymous :

    Need to vent some feminist rage.

    We made an offer on a home this morning. We got a counter offer and *our* agent emailed both me and my fiance, but only addressed it to him, saying she left him a message to please call her. But nobody called me. And I think you mean “Dear John AND JANE” not just “Dear John.” Seriously raging right now. Especially because the majority of the down payment is came from me. Both of our names are on the contract, both of us are making this decision.

    When I bought my current home (which fiance and I live in together), I was single and got these kinds of comments all the time, too: “Oh, are you and your husband looking?” “Is your dad buying for you?”

    NO. F*CK OFF.

    • anonymous :

      RAWR. you should say something about it. You don’t need to be rude, just tell her that you’re both buying the house together, and you expect her to address correspondence to both of you.

      Fwiw, My husband and I bought a few years ago, and basically all of the down payment was coming from me. When we were closing, our agent said something to the tune of “aww it’s so sweet he’s buying you a house!” I nearly lost it.

      • +1 Tell your agent this, and she gets one chance to redeem herself and hopefully learn a valuable lesson. If it happens again, break it off and find a new agent. (Don’t threaten, just do it). And in either case, I wouldn’t refer people to her in the future.

    • Marshmallow :


      I would rage too. And respond with something quite pointed, like, “Agent, I think you intended to address this email to both of us. Please call me, as I am more than capable of discussing the counteroffer with you.”

      It should have stopped being surprising long ago that women can be misogynistic too, but somehow it still is. I posted on Facebook a few months ago about being groped. GROPED, not verbally harassed–physically grabbed. An older female family friend commented, “This only happened because you are young and beautiful. You should consider it a compliment.” RAGE.

    • TupeloHoney :

      I’ve stopped working with agents for this. With one agent it was so egregious that my husband said “I don’t know why you’re only talking to me. [TupeloHoney] is 50% of this decision.” The agent panicked and actually said “I assumed you handled the finances.” In your case, I would probably reply all and say “Sweetie, let me know what you decide about this. I’ll be barefoot in the kitchen making sure you have a hot dinner to come home to.”

    • Anonymous :

      Walk away from the deal, get a new agent and make it known why. There’s lots of houses and lots of agents. Hard pass on this type of BS.

      • This seems a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your own face. I wouldn’t turn down a home you really like just because your agent sucks! But I would reply to the agent asking why you weren’t called, and I would note the sexism in a Zillow review or the like.

        • anonymous :

          OP here.

          Yeah, I am raging, but given that we have already made an offer and are already in counter-stage, I am not willing to deny us a home we both want because someone is being stupid. We are in a hot market at the moment and would lose it over timeline in finding a new agent – we have already missed out on a few because our jobs prevented us from getting in to see them ASAP, because it seems other buyers don’t have fulltime jobs.

          I simply responded with “John is in a meeting. Call me when you can.” If we don’t move forward on the house, we already agreed to drop this agent and pick it up after we get married.

          • Anonymous :

            Good plan! You should definitely consider a direct review with the Agent to let her know that she messed up and should not make those types of assumptions in the future. That is feedback that needs to get out and spread about.

    • When we closed on our first place, the closing agent thought my husband and I went married because I kept my name. This was in DC.

    • Never too many shoes... :

      Are they part of a firm of agents? I would get on the phone to the bass and demand to have someone else assigned to my file. No commission for someone so clueless. Big mistake. Big. Huge.

    • Kindly — I’d get a grip. You’ll get the house you want and never have to see this agent again. Is it SUCH a big deal that you need to have a d!!k measuring contest over this??

    • Ugh!! What is the deal with this happening so much in real estate? A friend had a similar issue very recently. I genuinely do not encounter people assuming I need a man to make my decisions in my daily life and do not understand why this is a thing real estate agents do in the twenty first effing century.

      • Bc they’re real estate agents? They aren’t doctors or lawyers or rocket scientists? What’s so hard about this — regular people still assume traditional gender roles are in play — i.e. the man earns all/most of the money and handles the finances. If that isn’t the case in your family, congrats. But why would you expect others to know or care about that? Let me guess you all also get outraged when the 26 yr old community college drop out selling you your Toyota talks to your husband?

        This is why people don’t like ambitious women — oversensitive ALL THE TIME. Is it the end of the world if an agent you never see again thinks that [gasp] your husband makes more money.

        • anonymous :

          I don’t think the issue is assuming things like that. It’s what appears to be going out of one’s way to cut half of the concerned parties out of something that concerns them. Even if they did have traditional gender roles, it seems to be rude that half of the relevant party would just not get updates about things or whatever.

          • anonymous :

            OP here –

            As discussed, yes, the majority of the down payment is mine and coming from me. What peeved me was that I am a co-decisionmaker here. It takes two of us to sign the contract, not just him. All decisions need to be made by both of us. She was going crazy with this sense of urgency like “John I just called you! Call me asap!” and meanwhile nobody called me if it was so urgent and they needed to talk to us ASAP.

            And I don’t care if you think I’m being sensitive. You can lose my business if you don’t care to treat me as an autonomous adult and not a child. A lot of us a a generation or two away from a time and place where women could not hold land in their names unless they were widowed.

        • lol

          My real estate agent (a man) actually made none of these assumptions, and neither did the saleswoman I bought my car from. I love, though, your assumption that it required ambition for me to do the perfectly normal adult tasks of buying a house and a car.

        • Senior Attorney :

          Holy crap.

          No, “regular people” do not make those ridiculous, outdated assumptions. Or if they do, they do so at their peril.

    • Um – get over it?

      • hahahahahahaha

        Please go back under your rock, please.

      • hahahahahahaha

        Please go back under your rock.

      • Delta Dawn :

        Oh, right, get over it. And we should get over the wage gap, and the lack of paid parental leave, and rape culture, and women not being promoted at the same rate as men, etc. etc. Get over ALL THE THINGS!!

        The OP does not need to “get over it.” We all have the choice to accept this behavior or to reject and correct it, and I will choose reject and correct every time. You should too. What you allow is what will continue.

        • Marshmallow :

          *praise hands emoji*

        • Right — except you all rejecting and correcting isn’t doing anything – bc ppl are still not putting your name first on the title or talking to you when you buy the car or giving you paid parental leave. So go ahead and give yourself high blood pressure raging about it — bc it is REALLY REALLY helping.

          • Aunt Jamesina :

            Correcting can absolutely go a long way. I had a colleague tell me he wouldn’t assume again when he called me by my husband’s last name after I returned from my honeymoon, and I let him know my name hadn’t changed. He said he never thought twice, and in his conservative (Mormon) bubble, he didn’t personally know women who hadn’t changed their names.

            It’s not guaranteed things will change if you “reject and correct”. It’s absolutely guaranteed they’ll stay the same if you don’t.

          • I work in real estate. I always put the woman’s name first. It’s my subtle fight against the patriarchy

          • You don’t think things are better than they were 50 years ago?
            I do.
            I’m a female surgeon.
            I have opportunities my grandmother (who was a nurse) couldn’t have dreamed of.
            I support my family (and yeah, make the decisions about how my hard-earned money is spent), lead a team, teach at an ivy league institution and, yes, get to own my own property.
            I am personally incredibly grateful for the women who paved the way (rejected and correcting) because it wasn’t that long ago that women couldn’t go to medical school, or were (harassed) rarities in surgical residencies, or were scorned if they were the family breadwinners.
            I’m going to keep “rejecting and correcting” as my legacy to the women who come after me!

    • Anonymous :

      When my husband and I bought our first home, I also put down 90% of the down payment and took the lead on searching, negotiating, you name it. The title was recorded as “Husband’s name, et al.” I still get ragey when I think about it.

      • Not that Anne, the other Anne :

        When we bought our house, I was listed first because I have a better credit score and make more money. When we refinanced, mortgage dude filed everything with Husband’s name first. Of course, we did not notice this until we got the final papers because it didn’t even occur to us to ask whether he would change the order. He’d just copy directly from the old paperwork to the new, right? Nope. He assumed that the man’s name went first and filed it that way.


        • And then the world spun off its axis, right? Oh wait . . . no it didn’t . . . bc you honestly truly can get over this stuff.

          • Aunt Jamesina :

            Who said the world spun off its axis? Why can’t you “get over” this, Anon?

          • Anon, with a capital A, go play somewhere else. The adults are talking here.

        • Anecdote:

          When we got married, my husband insisted that our officiant say: “I now pronounce you Sarah and John Smith” instead of husband & wife, man & wife, Mr. and Mrs, etc. because he thought it was BS that the man always went first.

          • At SF City Hall they say “I pronounce you spouses for life” – I loved that.

          • Anon for this Judge :

            I perform weddings from time to time and I am definitely going to steal that.

    • Been there, but at least you are married :

      Yeah. Still seething over here, 4 years after I lost my dream home because the sellers preferred to sell to a family instead of a single woman. That dream home had a lovely MIL where I intended to support my mom who has Alzheimer’s. Four years later I have poured thousands down the drain in rent, prices have gone up, nothing similar has been for sale. So I’m probably giving up my amazing job and city in the next year.

      Being single at the wrong time has truly cost me nearly everything I love about my life.

      • anonymous :

        OP here –

        I am not married yet, I am engaged. But let me tell you a story. I currently own my home (entirely in my name), which I bought when I was single before I met my fiance. I had made a few offers on other homes and lost out. When I put an offer on my current place, the seller accepted without even countering and the agent told us one of the reasons why was because she was a young, unmarried doctor when she bought it and really liked that another young, unmarried professional (lawyer) would be living there, too. It would be awesome if I can continue the tradition and sell it to a young professional woman, too!

    • This was last week
      me: the car dealership is jerking me around on a warranty issue
      receptionist: are you going to get your husband involved?
      me: have you met ME?

      • My car repair place canNOT get it straight that my partner is not the owner of the car. Dude dropped it off once, as a huge favor to me when I had a conflict with the appointment I’d made to get the brakes done. ONCE.

        Every time I take it in now they’re “Mrs. Partnername?” or when they call ME on MY phone to give information about MY car, they ask for him. Every time. I remind them, they “fix” it, and it happens again.

        We don’t even live together, FFS. It’s a good thing they do really good work and charge a fair price as otherwise, bye Felicia.

    • Anonymous :

      When we bought our house, the agent and the bank only had my contact info so they had to deal with me and only me. Even though I am sure they assumed my husband earned more, they knew I was the one handling all the paperwork. It was never an issue. I am actually surprised that these people are contacting the man first–in all the families I know with super-traditional gender roles, the wife handles this stuff because the husband is too “busy” at work.

    • Not a house, but DH and I walked out of a car dealership when a salesman spoke only to my husband. About a car that I was going to be the primary driver of. And when the manager emailed my husband to follow up, DH told him exactly why we were taking our business elsewhere.

      • +1. I bought my car from the *single* agent in the Bay Area, among six dealerships, who walked up to the two of us and actually spoke to me and shook my hand. The other five ignored me completely — as if I weren’t even standing there.

  5. shamlet96 :

    Jumping off of this morning’s thread about prestige and school choices, I would love some feedback from the hive. I have been very fortunate in my academic/career success (top 20 undergrad, top 3 law school, district court and appellate clerkships, and seven mostly happy years at my dream job) thus far. My boyfriend of a year and I live about two hours apart and a job opening has popped up near his city. I’m about to apply, but I have fears about this job (which is just the state variant of my federal gov’t job) and how it will affect my future career prospects. Does anyone have insight into this, i.e. at some point you made a professional decision for personal reasons, and it worked out well? I have a phone call scheduled with someone who works there so I’ll know more about the job environment, but I’m terrified that this is a “step back” and will hurt me somehow in the long term, even though I think I will still like/love the job since it’s basically what I do no, just state side. Thanks in advance.

    • Any chance you can keep your current, dream job and work remotely?

      That’s what I did. Was at my current job for 7 years when my husband got a great offer in a completely different part of the country. No one in my department worked remotely, but I figured I had nothing to lose by making a case for myself – and now I’m happily working from home, in my new city, for the same employer.

      • shamlet96 :

        No, sadly, my agency doesn’t allow me to work remotely. I would love to do that if it were an option, though. I will say that I don’t love my office in general – I love the work, but it’s a highly politicized office and I’ve grown tired of a lot of things about it as an institution.

        • sweetknee :

          Any way to spin this in the future as being interested in the similarities and differences in doing this work on the state side in order to be more well rounded? If you don’t love your office environment, and the work is the same or similar ( and I assume money is too), then I don’t see the downside of doing the same work for a different governmental entity. After all, your education and background are not changing just because you went from a Federal to a state agency.

          • sweetknee :

            Just read some comments below.. this is all assuming that the move for the relationship is what you really want, and that the relationship is solid.

          • shamlet96 :

            thanks, i think that is a great way to spin it. It’s just hard to wrap my head around this when I’ve only ever acted in my own best interest, not what’s best for the relationship.

    • Anonymous :

      I remember you posting before. Your BF is unwilling to move for you, right? I wouldn’t normally move for a guy who wouldn’t move for me and I certainly wouldn’t leave a dream job for a relationship I have doubts about. Hugs. I know it’s hard. But I really think leaving the dream job to be near this guy would be something you’ll regret in the long run.

      • Anonymous :

        (And I have moved twice for my husband, fwiw, so I am not against this in the abstract. Just in your situation, based on what I know from your previous comments.)

      • shamlet96 :

        yep, i posted before. Thanks so much for the feedback. He’s not willing to move, but everything else in our relationship is great. I’ve also made it clear i won’t accept a job and move without a proposal, so he knows that needs to happen and is on board.

      • TO Lawyer :

        Can I just say – I was in what I thought was a great relationship and I was considering moving to be closer to my ex. I am so glad I dragged my feet on looking for jobs because the relationship did not work out and I would have been miserable in a job that was a step down from my job, in a city that was not as great as mine.

        FWIW – I would just be very cautious in your shoes…

    • counterexample :

      I have a counter example: I have similar credentials and met a guy in law school. He made it very clear he would return to his home town after school and would not move to [big city], where I thought my dream job would be. I accepted a clerkship in his home town, and I sorta hated myself for moving for him and it felt terribly risky to tie my career success to someone else’s mandate. Several years later and I love it here, I have landed an excellent job (half-step from dream job), and we’re married. He’s also conceded that he’d move to [big city] for a few years if my job moved there.

      I think some of the prestige fears about state vs. federal work is contextual. In my city, I know several fed/AUSAs who moved to the state agency equivalent. Their reputation has only increased in their field.

    • Anonymous :

      I think it really depends on your agency and career path. I moved for a boyfriend and I regretted it, even though (1) marriage isn’t important to me and (2) the move was professionally beneficial. The city just wasn’t a good fit for me, and I wound up resenting him for it. That said, it is the reason I have the great (fed) job I have now.

      Assuming you like the destination city, though, you need specific information about your agency. Contrary to counterexample, going from my federal agency to the local equivalent would kill, or at least permanently stagnate, your career unless you are going into the upper echelons of leadership. But I don’t think that is universal — you just need to research your particular jurisdiction.

  6. anonymous :

    My bras seem to always show back fat. How do I fix this? I went to great trouble last year to figure out how bras are actually supposed to fit, and I’m certain it’s the right size and not too tight. Plus, I’m actually really slim, so I don’t get what the problem is or how to fix it.

    • I mean this kindly, but unless you have like lose-your-menstrual-cycle low body fat, you will always have “back fat” (we all will). Maybe you need to go up one size in your tops?

      • Marshmallow :

        Yes, I think it’s a fact of female life. Wearing tops that are not so tight they would show the “back fat” is a good solution.

        FWIW, I’ve had some luck with so-called smoothing bras. Look for anything that doesn’t have a strong elastic band running along the border of the band. You want the whole band to be smooth and elastic, not just a thin elastic on the top and bottom. That helps but will not totally eliminate the issue.

      • I disagree. Bra fittings are very, very nuanced because you aren’t looking only at bust size and rib/back size, you need to look at the density, if they are shallow/full, how far set apart they are, etc.

        Get fitted by a professional (think Nordstrom, not VS) and try on many different bra styles.

        • Paddington :

          For me, they went away when I switched from padded pushup bras to t shirt bras. My cups don’t runneth over and my bra bulge is gone.

          • Yeah, this is true for me too. 34A here. I’m a healthy body weight, I’m just flat chested. Push-up bras accomplish their task (on me anyway) by being too d*mn tight and creating bulges in my back. FWIW some of my favorite sports bras also do this. My Calvin Klein t-shirt bras don’t do this for me.

      • Nah. I don’t. And I’m not saying this to brag about how skinny I am because I’m not super skinny. I’m a size 10 and I have plenty of fat in my belly and on my hips. I just don’t carry fat across my upper back. Some people don’t.

    • Anonymous :

      I just figure it’s the result of having an elastic band around my middle. It’s going to happen regardless of how thin you are. Why stress about it? Are you afraid of looking fat (gasp, horror)?

      • anonymous :

        No, I just don’t like it. And it can’t be that hard to fix because it’s not like every woman has this problem. Also, it happens with looser tops too.

        • JuniorMinion :

          I think women with smaller chests can sometimes get undergarments with a bit less elastic around the band / a bit less support and have those work for them. If you are larger chested (like I am), going up a band size / having it be less snug or supportive (which lets face it is basically designed to support your bre*sts by compressing the underb**b region) puts more pressure on my shoulders. I find I am not spilling out of mine in the back, but I still do often have a line and I’ve yet to find a bra that supports me where you don’t see some element of the bra band.

          Also worth noting I have also found quite a large variability in bra sizing – I usually hover around a 32DD but have had to go up in both band and cup size depending on how the bra is cut etc. I would encourage you to try on a bunch of bras in different cuts /brands at someplace like nordstrom’s where they will assist you with fitting.

          Finally, I would stay away from “t shirt bras” if you are in the plus cup arena. I have found bras fit smoothest when the band is 3-4 hooks wide.

          • anonymous :

            Hm, maybe this is it. I’m a 32DD also. I’ve tried 34 and various cup sizes, and they seem to just never offer enough support.

          • JuniorMinion :

            I know I am late here but …

            I’ve had the best luck with Freya, Panache, Wacoal and Le Mystere personally. I’ve heard Bravissimo recommended as well. The brands that cater to full figure (sometimes called plus size on amazon and such) do a much better job.

            If you don’t want to spend three arms and a leg, I’ve had good luck ordering a bunch of stuff off of amazon (i am a prime member) and returning what doesn’t fit. Sometimes I can get some stuff in the $15 – $35 range per bra vs spending $60+ at Nordstrom on full price stuff. Also Amazon free ships everything prime eligible even though most of my preferred brands are UK.

    • Try r/abrathatfits. Your br3a$t$ may not be fitting in the cut right and create back bugles. I went from a 34B to a 32D and my back lines have gone away.

    • I’ve always thought this was a function of wearing the wrong size bra. The other thing that comes to mind is posture, does it still happen when you pull your shoulders back slightly?

    • Anonymous :

      You could try a long-line bra – which tends to have a wider band under the cups and around the back

    • Try bras that have more coverage. Spanx has a good one.

    • Team Poodle :

      I swear by Soma vanishing back bras. Super comfy & does the trick. Have them fit you though, my size changed from a 32B to a 34C in their bras.

    • lawsuited :

      A wider band should help.

    • Nudibranch :

      You might try searching for a bra with 3 or 4 hooks in the back. That seems to make a difference for me where the back fat is held ‘inside’ the bra rather than squishing out above and below. I recommend the Panache brand if you are DD+.

  7. Anon for this :

    Thank you all for the kick in the pants I needed last week! I posted about promoting someone on my team and another member of the team getting upset. You all were 100% correct, and I’m dealing with the situation.

  8. Need weekend getaway recommendations from DC!

    I work full-time and am in grad school part-time, so in mid-March during my spring break I’m looking to get away for a long weekend with my boyfriend. I’m looking for something within a 5 hour drive of DC, comfy but not out-dated-looking (Victorian is definitely not my style) and not a chain hotel. Comfy bed, fireplace, jacuzzi/big tub, and balcony are all major pluses. I’d love to visit wineries nearby and my boyfriend’s big on nature (lake/park/mountain/etc). Preferably no more than $200/night.

    Anything come to mind?

    • B&B or small hotel in Culpepper.

      • I’ve been to Holladay House in that area! It was nice but those walls were paper thin… Great area, though.

    • In about 2 weeks, my bf and I are taking a long weekend near Blue Ridge Parkway. Rented a cabin with a grill, Jacuzzi, and fireplace. We haven’t been there before but are looking forward to it. IT looks super low key but our main goal is to get out of the city, no need for it to be super fancy.

  9. So, something odd happened to me yesterday and I’d like you all to weigh in.

    I went to the dentist for a cleaning and while my hygienist had her hands and tools in my mouth, kept a running conversation going regarding the president and the immigration policy, etc. Now, I’m quite visibly not white and clearly Muslim, so I’m used to people confessing/venting to/unloading on me. Whatever. She’s talking about how she thought the immigration ban was for new people, not people who were already here, stuff about the First Lady, how we should all eventually respect him because he’s the President, how much Presidents used to be these amazing figures to look up to, etc. I was uncomfortable with the conversation but she was this nice cheerful person just chatting.

    Moving on, she asks me if I was raised here. I grunted yes. She asked if my whole family was here. More yes. Then she’s like, “the next question I kinda wanna ask is if they’re all here legally.” I gave no response. She kept talking, said I was great patient, and was sad that I couldn’t be scheduled with her for my next cleaning. I was friendly and made non-committal sounds and gestures and eventually, she went to get the dentist for the next part of my visit.

    I just found this dentist’s office, I like everyone there, but I’m really offended. She’s not the first person there to talk politics with me but typically people are more blabbing monologues without really directing it towards me. I want to say something. I don’t want to f9ck things up for her but she should be fine, she’s been working there for 28 years. What would you say and who would you say it to? I’m thinking my actual dentist. I don’t want to burn bridges.


    • anonymous :

      I don’t know. I’m sorry I don’t have anything helpful to say, but RAGE. I’m sorry this happened to you.

    • marketingchic :

      I would call or email your dentist. If I was that dentist, I would be horrified.

    • Where the heck do you live?? And why didn’t you cut it off when it started — why did you let it get to “and the next question I wanna ask”?? I’m of the same faith — I don’t get into these conversations with strangers bc who knows how they view the world and frankly I don’t want to know if they hate my kind.

      • I honestly didn’t know wtf was going to come out of her mouth. *My* mouth was otherwise occupied. I guess it honestly didn’t occur to me to just stop her from doing her job. And how is this my fault?

        • You couldn’t move/close your mouth for a second so she’d have to stop — say after she’d said 5 things or 10 things or whatever and say — I’m sorry I really don’t want to discuss politics, thanks??

          Sorry — again of the same faith as you — and honestly I think some (many) in our faith want drama and to be the victim.

          • Sure, I could have done that. Maybe next time I will. Again, it honestly never occurred to me to do that. I did not know that she was going to offend me.

            In general, I actually prefer to let people say what they’re going to say because I’m usually the only hijabi they come across and I want people to know that I’m a real live person. I consider it a form of dawah. Guarding myself from everyone doesn’t really allow people access to me.

            You’re projecting a bit (a lot). I’m sad that you think this way of our people and would make assumptions about me. But I sincerely thank you for your take.

          • nasty woman :

            Have you ever been to the dentist before? If not, no shame, I know that not everyone has good access to healthcare #thanksobama.

            Moving on. It is not always possible, and can in fact be dangerous, to attempt to move or close your mouth while undergoing dental work. There’s lots of sharp objects and other devices, fingers, and perhaps even something holding your mouth open, that make that difficult. When I was 11 or so, I was upset and hurting during one of my dental cleanings, and so quickly closed my mouth, which resulted in a large scratch on my gum from the dentist’s horrible scrapy tool. OP wasn’t at din/drinks with her book club. “I’m sorry I really don’t want to discuss politics, thanks” would come out as “RAWwrr rorrry I reaeeeey on’t ant to eeeeeeeeeeehs(spit)ushghgh aaaalllloh-ichshss (sputter) aite owwww.” Awesome.

            Further, and perhaps more importantly, it’s inappropriate for a healthcare professional who is currently treating you (and can be construed as in a position of power), who literally has their hands in a delicate part of your body to ask you personal, loaded questions like that.

        • No. It is not her job to stop an adult from babbling stupid things. Don’t apologize, this is not your fault, Ru.

          You should call the dentist and say, “Hi, I’m a new patient. I enjoyed meeting Dr. SoandSo but would like to have my records transferred to Dr. NewDentist. You should know that I had an uncomfortable encounter with the hygienist, wherein she asked me about the legal status of my family.”

          I would be polite but honest. Let the dentist figure out how to handle it; it’s not your job. But if it made you uncomfortable, which it sounds like it did, you should take your business elsewhere.

      • Oh, I forget that I haven’t been here in so long, I assumed people knew. I’m in NYC. Manhattan.

      • Marshmallow :

        Uh, yeah, this is in no way OP’s fault.

        • I was about to post to say this.

          Anon above, this is the very definition of victim-blaming!

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        She probably didn’t cut it off because that would risk her getting stabbed in the mouth by sharp instruments and/or because the woman’s hands were in her mouth and she would have bit her (not a trrrible idea here, but I can see why it’s something you would want to avoid). This is NOT OP’s fault.

    • Anonymous :

      I think if anyone asked you about this, with different variables, you would RAWR on their behalf. GIRL KICK HER IN THE PANTS! Unless you are in a small town in a very red state, this type of thing should NOT be tolerated. “Is your family here legally” is RUDE, UNNECESSARY, and NOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO A CLIENT/PATIENT. That’s almost like your coworker asking if your baby was planned. Not appropriate. I’m so angry on your behalf (clearly). I would contact the office, ask for the dentist to call you back, and tell him/her what happened.

      • Anonymous :

        *caveat about small town in a very red state — I meant that your complaint may not get anywhere in a small town in a very red state. Not that it would be an ok comment.

    • Marshmallow :

      Oh. My. GOD. I might have something productive to say later but right now I got nothing but horror. I’m so sorry you had to sit through that.

    • Anonymous :

      I would absolutely report her and keep complaining about it until they tell you she’s been fired or disciplined. That is insane and so, so ridiculously inappropriate. I think the talk about politics at all is weird and awkward, because you’re in a situation where you can’t really leave, but the questions about your family’s immigration status and the implication that they’re here illegally is just beyond.

      • Okay, no need to be that entitled that you won’t let something go until the offending party has been fired. It’s entirely possible the whole office feels the same way as this woman and wouldn’t give a damn! Then you’re just the crazy, ranting person.

    • You could also ask if there is an office manager.

      “I’ve been happy with my service, but have been really put off by some of the political talk that was foisted upon me during my cleaning. It made me really uncomfortable because I wasn’t in a position to tell the person talking to stop or tell them I was uncomfortable. I don’t know what your policy is on political discussions with patients, but I wanted to pass my experience along to you and the staff in the hopes of improving the patient/customer experience. This is something I would very seriously consider moving my business over.”

      • And also request to never be assigned to that hygienist again.

      • Good call, thank you for the advice.

      • I would add that it wasn’t just political talk, but targeted political talk that turned into questioning you and your family. If you just say it’s “political talk”, they may interpret that as a difference in legitimate views and may not take it as seriously. They need to know that it wasn’t just light political talk about the news (is there such a thing anymore though?), but inappropriate and racist questioning. The office manager/business owner (if the dentist is an owner in the practice, I would call both) needs to come down hard on this, but they may need a more complete story to recognize that.

    • Anon in NYC :

      That’s horrible and I’m so sorry that happened to you. Personally, I would call and speak to the dentist. I would say something to the effect of, “I’m a new patient and came in for a cleaning and check up on X date. [Name of woman] was my dental hygienist. I had an extremely uncomfortable conversation with her during my cleaning that I wanted to bring to your attention. She began discussing politics and President Trump’s immigration policy. I am not white and I am obviously Muslim. She questioned whether I was a citizen and if my family members were citizens or legal residents of the United States. I was very uncomfortable with this conversation, and I wanted to share this with you so that you could speak to your staff about being more sensitive regarding these sorts of conversations.”

      Hope that helps.

      • More good language, thanks.

      • anonymous :

        I think this is a good option. So is finding another dentist. I know you like everyone, but I have literally never had a political conversation at the dentist ever. I’m obviously not-white and am generally a lightning rod for this sort of thing. So this tells me that it is possible to find such a place. this is a pretty big exception to you liking the place. I would call your dentist regardless of whether you decide to go elsewhere.

    • What?! That is so … ridiculous!

      Agree with others, I think you can contact your dentist and explain the question that upset you.

      In situations where you aren’t being held hostage and mute by being stuck in a dentist’s chair with sharp instruments jammed in your mouth, I might suggest responding to these types of questions by repeating them right back to the (presumably white) person asking them. Very occasionally you will see a light-bulb click on that their families were once immigrants too, and that questions like these are offensive nonsense.

      • LOL well…….white people aren’t immigrants, duh. If I repeated a question back, people would think there’s something wrong with my comprehension. They honestly wouldn’t understand that they’re being offensive.

        I guess she could be considered white, I don’t know, it depends who you ask. She mentioned something about being in Israel during my next appointment time and it just makes the whole thing even more awkward for me.

        • “If I repeated a question back, people would think there’s something wrong with my comprehension.”

          Actually I kind of enjoy getting this response from people, but I totally get that not everyone gets a kick out of messing with people the way I do so feel free to ignore my suggestion :)

          I also wanted to say that I really respect your comments above about letting people say what they want to say and trying to get them to understand that you’re a individual person. I don’t think it’s fair that this burden falls to you, but I commend you for undertaking it nonetheless.

    • Anonymous :

      Dentist definitely needs to know about that horror show, AND a yelp review would help others to avoid that too. She is an adult and can take responsibility for the things that come out of her mouth.

      So sorry you had to go through that.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Holy crap. That is so horrible.

      I would definitely speak to the dentist. And honestly, if I weren’t 100% completely satisfied with his or her response, I’d complain to the dental licensing agency and possibly the state or local office of equal rights. Here in California I suspect you might have an Unruh Civil Rights Act issue. The very last thing I would be worried about would be burning bridges.

    • LondonLeisureYear :

      What a horrible experience, I am so so sorry. There has been a ton of good language here but I would also bring up what a vulnerable position you were put in. She is administering medical care on you! She has a sharp object in your mouth! You can’t talk, you can’t easily get up, you have to put trust in her that she is giving you good care.

    • Chiming in to say that you are a better person than I. As a person with an Arabic first name who based on unsolicited conversations looks somewhat “other” but whose family has been in the US for 200 years because we were brought here against our will, I will say that in your position I would have either frozen or lost my $#!t (hard to say which without being there). But after recovering, it is completely legitimate to let the dentist know why you do not feel comfortable returning.

    • Anonymous :

      I’d have as,ed her if her folks were in the US legally. Why didn’t you?
      I’d complain to the Dentist.

  10. Tired of having a chipped manicure, I allowed myself to be talked into a gel manicure today. It’s gorgeous.

    How do I prevent them from ruining my nails when I eventually have it taken off? This concern is why I’ve avoided gel for so long

    • There’s not much that you can do other than having them removed properly.

      • this. I’ve been getting gel manicures for 5+ years. The only time there is ever any damage to my nail is when I, in a moment of weakness, decide to peel it all off. Otherwise, my nails are actually healthier. They are stronger, grow longer, and don’t get that yellowish discolor from wearing dark colors.

    • sweetknee :

      I love gel manicures too. A gel manicure will last about two weeks on me before the new growth makes it so obvious that I have it removed. I have the nail tech remove the old polish. My tech uses the little file/drill tool thingy to get off most of the polish and then uses acetone for the rest.

      I have a 3 time rule. I will do no more than three gel manicures in a row before I give my nails a two or three week break.

    • Agree with sweetknee and bonnie. Go somewhere where you have confidence in the manicurists.

    • Meg March :

      Don’t peel them off yourself when the edges start to come up. Don’t do it!!

  11. Sloan Sabbith :

    Just spent four hours completely focused on one report, because my supervisor needs it to review today and I put it off. Good to know I can still be productive even though I’m depressed as f. Less good to know I haven’t grown out of productivity arising out of “sh*t sh*t sh*t” pressure. Ehhhhh.

  12. I love this bag though can never find anything in hobos.

    • I used to keep a tiny key chain flashlight attached to a loop in a hobo bag, so I could use it to explore the black hole and find my stuff. Ridiculous.

  13. New Tampanian :

    I’m sick I think. My head hasn’t felt right for the last two days (slight headache, foggy feeling) and I thought yesterday maybe I needed to put in new contacts. But then I also felt nauseous. Same today.

    There is zero chance of pregnancy.

    How do I make this go away. It’s so hard to concentrate.

    • Go home and sleep. drink lots of water. Have some chicken soup. Take Advil/ibuprofen. Take Mucinex (just the plain stuff) if you are feeling at all stuffy.

    • Pho cures all. Is there a Vietnamese restaurant near you?

    • Pollen / tree allergies? That might be a stretch or way too easy, but I have been feeling lethargic for a couple days and finally pinpointed it to this.

  14. I seem to have a case of situational depression. I’m in a situation that can’t change for about 90 days and there’s no reason I must leave my apartment or shower or whatnot. I guess I’m just looking for support in my hermiting at the moment… blah.

    • LondonLeisureYear :

      Can you schedule a bunch of appointments to force you to leave? Haircut? Doctor? Dentist? Even the DMV? Meeting with friends? Exercise class? Getting out early in the morning helps with momentum.

    • This is a random response, I realize. But do you like dogs? Perhaps you could consider fostering a dog from a shelter or rescue for the next 90 days? It would save a life and give you a good reason to leave the house and get some sunshine and exercise. If you don’t care for dogs, just volunteering in general is a good way to get out of your head and into the world.

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