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Updated: Apr 22, 2022 138 Comments · by

Tea Break: Glazed Lemon Loaf Tea

Coffee Break |

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I wrote an article here a few years ago about how I was exploring different teas and was shocked to find that I was really liking some, because I'd long been someone who hated tea. Somehow, five years later, I am someone who has at least one cup of tea daily, if not more.

I still do coffee in the morning (although I'm kind of getting into a chocolate oolong tea), and try to alternate green mint tea with my beloved Diet Coke for lunchtime — so most of my other tea choices are uncaffeinated, herbal ones like rooibus or chamomile.

This Glazed Lemon Loaf one from Tazo is one of my all-time favorites for after dinner — it's a great one for unwinding before bed. It's sweet, and although from the ingredients list you wouldn't believe it, it really does remind me of a buttery, iced lemon loaf. (The chocolate teas from Republic are another favorite – I like almost all of the ones I got in this variety pack except for the Banana Chocolate ones, but that's me.)

I just bought a 6-pack of Glazed Lemon Loaf from Amazon because I'm already committed, but if you want just a box to try you can get them at Target or other grocery stores.

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Comments

  1. Anon

    I have two weeks to spend in the UK in June. I’d like to do at least one full week in London with some day trips to Bath or Stonehenge. How much time should I spend in Scotland, and is Edinburgh the best place to be based? What else is a must-see?

    I’ve been to London and seen all the major sights, but it was 20 years ago. What would be a good neighborhood to be based in that isn’t too touristy?

    I’m in my 40s and will be traveling with a friend. We love culture, good but not expensive food, wandering in adorable neighborhoods, bookstores, cute shops, museums, etc etc.

    I seem to remember a few Scottish (or Scotland-adjacent?) ‘r e t t es. Would love your tips, advice, and must-sees!

    • anon2

      I thought Stonehenge was totally not worth a trip. I liked Bath. And I loved Scotland, especially taking the train there and looking at the countryside.

    • ElizabethCS

      I hope you have a wonderful trip! As to London, I used to live outside of London, so have some suggestions for you to consider. I’ve always liked the chi-chi West London vibe, so Notting Hill, Chelsea, or Kensington. I’m also seeing people enjoying being near one of the major markets, such as Borough Market in South London or Spitalfields Markets in East London or Camden Market in North London. They each have their own vibe, but have a great quantity of food and shops. Also, I have one American friend who swears by Bloomsbury, which I can’t understand, but he loves the quiet streets! One thing to think about: which direction from London are the day trips you want to take? Maybe stay near to that terminal train station, or in easy access to that terminus. So for Bath and Stonehenge it would be London Paddington.

      • Anonymous

        Heh. I love Blooomsbury/Fitzrovia for the lively University vibe and find Kensington and Chelsea quite quiet and dull, so I guess it depends!

        For OP: agree with Elizabeth that it’s good to have an idea of where you want to go on your daytrips, but just stay on one of the major tube lines, don’t go for the Paddington or Bayswater area – very dull. As long as you are on the tube close-ish to the circle made by the Circle line you’ll be fine.

        And different day trips will be different stations. Bath – Paddington Station (also for Oxford, Heathrow airport, South coast towards Wales or Cornwall). Salisbury/Stonehenge – Waterloo Station. If you want to go to Liverpool – Euston Station. Paris – St. Pancras. Cambridge, Norwich or Ely – Liverpool Street Station. Canterbury – Victoria station. Gatwick airport – either Victoria or London Bridge Stations. The trains for Scotland – King’s Cross station.

        I’d much rather think about what you want to do every day, and how much you want to walk vs. tube and bus. I think Islington North of Angel tube station is super lovely. Notting Hill is twee, Bloomsbury and Fitzrovia comfy uni land and is walking distance to museums like British Museum and the National Gallery as well as the West End and the theatres. Shoreditch is where you’ll find all the weird little food stuff and hip people. Clerkenwell might be somewhere you’d like, but a little less convenient for transport (no tube).

        Avoid the areas around the Tower, and the City – these places are dead in the weekend, and mainly tourists and bankers during the day. I would also avoid Bayswater, Paddington and Kensington for a week long stay (fine for shorter).

        If you need a hotel with a kitchenette, you might enjoy the Staybridge in Vauxhall – they encourage pets, though, so don’t go if either of you have allergies.

    • Anon

      Go to Liverpool. You only need one day and one night but it’s worth it. Listen to some Beatles on the plane ride to the UK.

    • Vicky Austin

      We have a couple Scotland-based posters but if you post again on the morning thread I think you’re more likely to catch them there!

    • RR

      We did the UK in 2018. You can do Bath and Stonehenge in a single day trip (and Windsor if you want to do it all). That’s enough time. It was worth seeing Stonehenge for me, but there’s only so much time you can spend there.
      We liked Edinburgh, but we loved Inverness. We spent 4 days based in Inverness and 2 in Edinburgh and felt that was a good balance. If you wanted a lovely travel day, the train from London to Inverness was a beautiful journey.
      We stayed in Chelsea. It was a good, non-touristy base, with easy access to the Underground.

    • Seafinch

      Greenwich on the Tube (it’s a boat!) Was a highlight of a recent trip. It’s gorgeous and the museum is very well done. Spend a morning or afternoon. I know London quite well and that and Boroughmarket are great.

    • anon

      I strongly recommend doing an early or late access tour of Stonehenge. We used Stonehenge Tours, but there are others.

    • A

      Scotland
      Lake District
      Watch a Shakespeare play
      Bath, yes. Stonehenge, meh
      Oxford or Cambridge

    • Anon

      Scotland is gorgeous! I particularly liked Loch Lomond and Loch Ness, Glasgow, Dunnottar castle and Eilean Donan castle. If you can rent a car the Quirang in isle of skye is breathtaking.

  3. Horse Crazy

    I need an outer layer for spring/summer, and I’m not sure what to buy. For example, we went to a car race this weekend, and it was ~65 degrees and sunny with a cool breeze. I was wearing jeans, tennis shoes, and a t-shirt, and wanted another layer for when the breeze picked up. I own light cardigans, but they seem too dressy for occasions like that, and I also have leather jackets, a warm raincoat, a wool peacoat, and a Patagonia fleece, which are all too warm. What’s a casual outer layer that keeps the chill off but is also light? Specific brand suggestions would be much appreciated.

  4. Carla

    Re: the Hinge convo from this morning –
    My boyfriend and I had a discussion about being exclusive. I don’t have any notifications on my phone, the apps are in a folder on the second page etc – and I just forgot to or didn’t think to uninstall them. Once I realized that he had deleted his I also deleted mine, and I wasn’t looking at it at all, but I just didn’t remember to delete it.

    • Anon

      I can kind of see how that happens, but I still don’t think that someone receiving pop up notifications from a dating app truly forgets to delete it. It sounds like you weren’t receiving pop ups.

      • mirror

        Then again, it is shocking how many pop-ups I can close without reading them, see a thousand times without being annoyed enough to unsubscribe/remove the App, and not even really notice them anymore etc.. It’s almost like I have been hypnotized by an electronic device…

      • Anon

        Eh, I’d disagree with this. I’m actively not dating (I’m moving this month across the country) and I just…forget. I literally didn’t think about this until I saw this post, but I probably get an alert a day from a dating app? I also get 100s of notifications a day from emails, texts, slack messages, etc, so it’s just one of many things that pop on my phone. If someone said I was cheating because I didn’t delete it when I get notifications, I’d think they didn’t really understand the sheer volume of notifications hitting my phone daily.

      • Anonymous

        Men trying to connect with women get a LOT less pop ups because women are more choosy, than the other way round. He might truly not have gotten any.

        • Ellen

          This is the truth. After I broke up with my ex, he was all over the dating apps, and it did not take me long to find him on Tinder pretending to be a man of the world. He conveniently forgot to mention that he did not bathe regularly, had digestive issues, and was a closet drunk. I wish I could have intervened every time I saw him update his Posts on Instagram–he even cut me out of a picture he posted there where he actually looked sober (at Rosa’s 21st birthday party), tho he probably got drunk later. You just can’t assume a guy is what he pretends to be on line. FOOEY on men for being so deceptive!

  5. Anon

    I watched Girls this weekend and was kind of shocked at my own reaction to Lena Dunham’s character’s frequent nudity. Putting aside the conversation about why Hannah was naked so often, I have to say I found it so refreshing to see a completely average, normal weight human body on screen. We so rarely see that! And sadly, my first reaction was not positive even though my own body looks far more like Lena’s than any of the other characters. It made me realize how distorted my own POV has become around what a “normal” body looks like.

    It’s 2022 and we have movements about body positivity and being strong and accepting what we’ve got, and I still feel so far away from that. Seeing this drove that home. I have a lot of work to do :(

    • Anon

      Of all things I was at the dog park with a friend this weekend and we were talking to a stranger about her dog. My friend mentioned that her dog’s vet said he needs to lose some weight. The stranger, a big, tall lady, said “it’s 2022. Thicc is in” and I know she was joking, but I looked at her and realized that she looked great. She wasn’t hiding her body, she was wearing those leggings that have ruching in the crack (the tik tok leggings) and a cropped top and she was just rocking it. I admire the hell out of people who celebrate their own bodies. I’m not one of them but I pledge to work up to it.

  6. Anonymous

    What do I do here? I feel so down in life – like it’s passing me by. 41 single and kind of stagnating. Yet it seems like everyone around me is doing stuff – job moves, houses, they’re all married with kids so they have family stuff, vacations, just life. Meanwhile I feel like I’m just sitting here – worrying about why my stomach was upset or how I don’t vacuum enough or whatever. I have a job that’s ok – I don’t like it but it’s unobjectionable enough. I want to move on yet stuck in the – why would anyone hire me, they can just hire someone who made GC or partner (didn’t make either). And then I get worried about well what if I got a new job and just can’t work like I used to back at age 25 in big law (even though the jobs I want aren’t big law so rationally I know expectations wouldn’t be THAT high). I want to travel but still fear Covid due to some health issues and IDK traveling alone makes me feel like why bother – like it’s not to get solo time because my life is solo time.

    I think for 2 years I’ve made excuses in my head that life is on hold because of the pandemic but when I’m being honest, my life has been like this for 5-7 years. Part of me just wants to jump in and take some chances whether job or travel or whatever and then I . . . don’t. Don’t have friends to talk with — I’m everyone’s acquaintance but no one’s real friend so I don’t get too deep with them lest the few people ii have for light conversation decide they don’t want this; they’re all busy young moms so they don’t get where I’m coming from. I also don’t think this is about being unmarried – sure it’d be nice to have someone if it’s the right someone but I don’t feel that strong pull either and kids were never a huge thing for me.

    My parents – they know I’m unhappy but honestly they aren’t helpful and as they age IDK how much they care. They’re immigrants and all that ever mattered was $$ and job stability and since I have that I ought to be grateful. If it gets any deeper than that they just lecture that I don’t pray enough and/or sit there and “blame” themselves that they didn’t find me an arranged marriage because any husband would be better than none (uh I never wanted it and TBH it’s just to make the convo about them and get me to say it’s ok you’re great parents).

    How do I get out of this?? Part of me thinks it may be depression/anxiety. On a whim made a drs appt last night but IDK if I want to discuss all this with her – I don’t know her THAT well?? But the appt isn’t for a month so I have time to decide plus can prob keep the appt for minor refills and stuff like acid reflux even if I don’t want to discuss this. WWYD??

    • Anonymous

      It sounds like you’re depressed. Have you tried any medication or therapy? Sending you hugs. I’ve had these same feelings before I got on meds.

    • Anon

      Hey, fellow single 41-year-old here and I’ve experienced many of the thoughts you’re having. I’m hearing a few separate problems:

      * Lack of deep friendships/relationships is surely making everything feel harder. Relationships make the tough stuff in life feel easier and make life’s challenges feel more worthwhile.

      * You sound anxious and possibly depressed. I only say that because I am both and when untreated, my thoughts resemble yours.

      *Definitely keep the doctor appointment. It will be validating to hear that you’re not alone and you can get help.

      * Try something, anything. Even one small thing can make a huge difference and give you the momentum you need to start making more changes in your life. You’ll get excited by possibility and see that you have more power than you thought to change things.

      *Do you know what stuff you want to do? Try to focus more on what YOU want and less on what other people are doing. There will always be other people doing cool stuff in your orbit, but you’re not them and you’re on a different path that is equally worthy. Take a good hard look at your life and the patterns you’ve established. What really has to stay the way that it is? What might be worth exploring, whether it’s a new Meetup group, a new apartment, a new job, a new hobby… You don’t have to try all of it at once, or any of it, but just realizing the options open to you may help fight this feeling of stagnation.

      I’m sorry you’re hurting. Keep trying to find help and connections. Things can and will get better. You have both more and less control over your own life than you think, which is terrifying and exhilarating.

    • Anonymous

      Oh man. This is me too but in my late 20s. Thinking it’s time to go back on anti-depressants (have been on them in the past to combat bouts of situational depression). The pandemic has been so lonely and hard. Hugs

    • Anon

      Talk to your doctor. Your doctor is not supposed to be your girlfriend and confidante. She’s a clinician. She’s not there to judge you. She’s there to clinically evaluate your symptoms and evaluate whether you meet the in-office criteria for various mental health issues – depression, anxiety, etc. And then she will either prescribe you something, or refer you elsewhere, or both.

      Mental health is health. It is not a personal failing if you’re having a hard time with it, any more than it’s a personal failing if you come down with a physical illness. If you are suffering, there is help available. Avail yourself of it.

      Be kind to yourself. We all struggle sometimes.

      • Ellen

        Yes, I am about the same age as the OP and yes, from time to time, I think I could have done some things differently, like finding a guy and getting pregnant years ago. But I have also learned that I can’t redo things so I just do the best with what I’ve got, even tho my family always seems disappointed when they see me and Rosa together. She has done so much with what she has; a decent guy who adores her; 4 great kids; a wonderful home in the suburb’s; a personal trainer; a live-in housekeeper; and a country club membership! While I don’t have these, I do have a decent job and job satisfaction, and a good freind in Myrna; a decent apartment; and some good investements that Dad says will allow me to retire comfortably by age 55, which is only 15 years from now.
        I suggest the OP just stay positive, find a guy, and once you have a guy, hold on for life if he is any good. He will hopefully be the catalist you need to become the woman you want to be.

    • Jane

      It sounds like you are SO hard on yourself. Just a few ways that’s come up in this comment is that you think opening up to friends will push them away (it won’t!), that you won’t be able to get a job you like even though it sounds like you’re incredibly accomplished and hard-working (anyone who has a Big Law background has to be), and just criticizing yourself for everything you do to take care of yourself (it’s okay to not vacuum that often! It’s okay to take care of yourself and your stomach concerns!). All of that negative self-talk can amount to feeling like everything is hopeless + nothing is worth doing it. There is a blank space in front of you when you don’t know what an outcome will be, and it sounds like your thought patterns are filling it with negative assumptions.

      I think therapy would be huge. Also reading lots of books about self-love, self-compassion, healing, DBT, etc. My guess is there are many people around you who’d love to be closer with you and many jobs that would absolutely love to have you. I also would guess that there are a lot of wonderful experiences out there for you to be had with a bit of curiosity / openness. If you do want to date, there are also I’m sure many men who’d love to meet you.

      I have these same thought patterns (probably many of us do), and CBT and catching the thoughts as they arise can be huge and do wonders.

      Doctors aren’t trained in mental health – definitely consider therapy for more targeted treatment.

      As a first step – maybe just try to be kind to yourself? If a thought comes up that you see if an automatic negative thought, try saying “I can be nice to myself.” Put your hand on your heart and say “hi, ___” or whatever works for you.

      Sending you lots of love. It will get better.

    • Anonymous

      Agree with the advice above but would also say – remember that everyone has their OWN timing. I realize the conventional path is college + law school + big law partner in 8 years + married at 28-30 + travel hard from ages 25-until first kid + first baby at 32-35 [at least on the east coast] so if you don’t have that you feel like what’s wrong with me. But just because you didn’t have those things in the same order others did, doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t.

      Sure some people make partner at 33. Most don’t. Most have to wait, go do something else etc. and then who knows if the timing is right and they still want it, they come back in someplace as partner at 45 or they don’t because they like what they do and it doesn’t matter to them if they ever become partner or GC or whatever. Let’s not act like partnership or GC don’t come with their own handcuffs. Same thing with travel – just because you haven’t doesn’t mean you won’t?? So you didn’t experience the Amalfi coast with your fiance at age 29 like they did – for all you know you could end up taking 3 months off to go live there, while they’re up to their ears in driving to soccer practice and parent teacher meetings. Point is life is a series of trade offs and ups and downs – just because you feel down now, don’t assume everyone else is up and perfect — run your race in your own timing.

    • Eek

      My situation is different than yours, but I relate to the sentiment. I’m a big fan of Mel Robbins when I feel stuck like this. She’s a former lawyer which resonates with me and something about her style is really good at getting me to just – take action. I like her Instagram and listening to her on audible. I’m a little bit embarrassed by how much I sound like an ad. I swear I’m not.

    • Anon

      Where are you located? I am in the SF Bay Area and will be happy to have a friend date with you.

    • Dr. The Original ...

      Let’s be friends? Like legit friends though, not surfacey stuff! IAmAnEpicWarrior at mail of g.

  7. Tina

    Re posting because I think I posted at a weird time on the earlier post:

    I’ve been dating a guy off of a dating app for a few months.The other day he made a comment about “my friends are very surprised to hear that I have a girlfriend”. Now I know he’s a nerdy guy, I’m a nerdy girl, he’s not the most flirty etc – but is the fact that his friends think/said that a yellow flag?

    I have been single for a while so my friends may be surprised to hear I have a boyfriend, but its not like they are disbelieving or shocked.

    • Anonymous

      The one note I would make from this is that perhaps he is fairly inexperienced in relationships and may make some rookie errors along the way and you should give him some extra leeway on that.

    • Anonymous

      This is not at all a red flag. My DHs friends said something similar too and it’s just because they believe in the media tropes of nerds being alone forever, it had nothing to do with my DH as a person.

  8. Anon

    I am a tea drinker – you can take my Earl Grey out of my cold, dead hands – but I have never really warmed to herbal teas. At best they’re something you might drink when you don’t feel well (lemon for a cold, chamomile for a tummy ache) but I don’t really enjoy enjoy them.

    • Anon

      For me it was a big adjustment to drink tea without milk, and many herbal teas contain lemongrass which causes curdling. But IMO it was worth pushing past the initial reflex to have a caffeine-free hot drink to wind down with at night.

    • AIMS

      I don’t for the most part either (and LOVE earl grey) but there are some exceptions. Trader Joe’s has a Turmeric Ginger tea that is pretty decent. I also like herbal teas with something else mixed in. Kusmi makes a tea called BB Detox that is phenomenal (mixed in with green) & I like Sleepytime Decaf Green Jasmine for nighttime.

    • Anon

      I’ve always been more of a black tea person, but I’ve never been able to handle caffeine after noon without it interfering with sleep, and now I have a medical condition that means I need to avoid caffeine completely, so herbal teas are really nice when you still want something hot or find yourself in a social situation where you need to drink something (like a “coffee” date). I’m not a huge fan of most citrusy flavors, but I like peppermint and rooibos and some ginger teas.

    • Anonymous

      I think you just explained why herbal tea blends are popular. Single herbs can taste like dry grass. I love the Mint Verbena tea from Harneys, and Tazo Citrus Chamomile.

    • Anon

      I don’t like the herbal teas you can find in grocery stores. They’re all way too sweet and fruity. I do like teas that are actually *herbal* in nature. I’ve been ordering tea from Les 2 Marmottes and they have a lot I really like.

    • Anne-on

      I got very into mint/herbal teas when I was dieting and traveling for work. It was something more fun to grab during breaks at conferences than water and felt more special than a diet soda? I don’t have a huge sweet tooth but herbal tea with a packet of sugar or squeeze of honey after dinner scratches that ‘dessert’ itch for me.

  9. Anonymous

    I ask this hesitatingly but did you or would you marry someone who was of a much different educational/professional/social class as you IF you come from a really judgy/classist family? The answer with respect to just me is – sure if you love someone and are compatible then it won’t bother you that you’re a lawyer and he’s a career factory worker.

    But with my family it’s a whole different story. Striving immigrant culture where classism still runs rampant – so not must you marry a guy of the right culture/religion but they must be of the same kinds of professions, and while we’re at it so must his dad. I’m older and unmarried and while religion is non negotiable to me, I feel like I wouldn’t not give someone a chance because they work at a warehouse or whatever, if our values aligned and we were in love.

    I have a lawyer friend – white non immigrant and not from a pushy family so her family’s view was marry who you love. She married a guy who works at TSA. I made the mistake of telling my parents because they asked as I was like Friend got engaged, can’t wait to go to her wedding etc. Her name comes up, all they can ever do is scoff at how she just married a security guard?! Like they could care less how she’s doing, how in love they are etc – to give you an idea of what I’d be dealing with. Thoughts/experiences?

    • Anya

      I’m in exactly your position and also debating it. I went to a wedding this past weekend and people were sooo excited about how it was a computer scientist marrying a lawyer. They would 100% make comments about someone less “professional” (in their words) and it would be hard to deal with. It might be more reluctant to go to family events.
      It’s not about embarrassed, its about how much garbage you’re wiling to deal with.

      If I really liked the guy I probably would still marry him and tell my family to get over it . I’m the one in this marriage not them.

        • Senior Attorney

          I think the point is that both of these were seen as “professional,” and if they weren’t there would have been negative comments.

    • anon8

      First hand experience here from a first-gen Indian. I married a white guy who didn’t go to college. It was very ugly for a while and my parents were very against the marriage. I met him in my senior year of college and we planned to get married after I graduated. My parents were convinced that I was now going to drop out of college and end up barefoot and pregnant. That was incredibly frustrating because they didn’t raise me that way and I had no plans to put my college/career on hold.

      We ended up getting married in a very small ceremony without my family there. We ended up reconciling and they had an Indian wedding ceremony for us a year later. And we’ve been married for 23 years.

      Thankfully my parents are pretty low key for an Indian parents. Neither me or my brother wen to med school. I work in tech and he’s a lawyer, but he did go to Harvard law.

      It was certainly tough for a while, but obviously I’m happy with my decision. I’m glad my parents are accepting and we have all gotten along well over they years.

      You have to decide if it’s worth it for you. It sucks when you don’t get along with your parents, but at the same time it’s your life. I’m in my mid-40s now but even back then I didn’t GAF about what other people thought. I absolutely hate the classist attitude and thinking that being a doctor is the end all be all of everything.

      • Anon

        so literally all of my friends are married to people who generally have similar levels of education to them and come from somewhat similar socioeconomic backgrounds. and i’m not going to lie, now that i’m a parent with two daughters, and they came to me and told me that they wanted to get married at age 22 i would be extremely concerned (no matter who they were marrying because i think that is too young to get married – I say this is as someone who met my husband junior year of college) and i would also be somewhat concerned about them marrying someone who didn’t go to college, but less concerned if they had a job/career, and i also hope to think that i’d have a good enough relationship with my daughter that i’d be getting to know the person my daughter was dating before they got engaged and so I would see why my daughter loved this person and how their life would work together. i can also see how it feels bad if you think your parents are coming from a place of judgment. i do think that in some cases parent worry, not necessarily bc of the person being from a different class or religion, etc., but that marriage is hard work and sometimes (not always) having stark differences can make something that is already hard, even harder. i also know for myself that i’d imagine it would be challenging for me to forge a lifelong partnership with someone who had different priorities in life in terms of what we value, how to spend money, how to spend time, etc. not because one is necessarily better or worse, but more in terms of it being compatible with the life i want.

        • Anon

          I think sometimes parents really have a hard time grasping that their child may not want the life they wanted though. I think often it’s less that parents are coming from a place of judgment, and more that they’re feeling judged and defensive about it.

    • Anonymous

      If you aren’t willing to draw boundaries of acceptable behavior with your family, then no you shouldn’t marry someone they will belittle

      • Anon

        Blunt but accurate. You either tell your parents to keep their opinions to themselves or you don’t get married.

        Here’s the thing about marriage (and even long-term adult dating relationships): both parties need to tell their family and friends to keep their mouths shut. If there is an actual problem with your SO (e.g., abuse), the person who cares about you can address it with you in a logical and respectful manner. Otherwise, you need to Shut. It. Down.

        Do not run relationships by committee. Also look up “enmeshment,” because families really shouldn’t be running their adult children’s lives.

      • anonshmanon

        Just on the point of boundaries, these attitudes might be felt most acutely when judging partners in marriage, but probably are a steady backdrop that you can’t un-see once you notice.
        I married into one such family, not with an immigrant background, but a strong work-your-way-up-boomer outlook on life. I am a good enough match for DH based on education and career, although that one time when we prioritized my career over his, they got incredibly upset. And every time my DH or his brother make any decisions that my in-laws disagree with, the wives get blamed for controlling their husbands. The brothers have been pitted against each other their whole lives. At some point, they discovered that they both had been made to feel like the less favored son, for years.
        Neighbors get judged. Strangers get judged. Any story we get told about anyone, must always be introduced with an othering or judgy comment. Met the neighbor’s new partner? He was wearing a tracksuit. Relaying an interaction with a waitress? She was a little chubby. Mentioning an acquaintance? The one who is married to the Black husband. Every single time.
        None of this contributes to a warm, respectful family relationship. I guess what I am saying is, if you have a certain kind of family, don’t expect them to give you unconditional love and support. Marrying the right partner is a deceptive goal and will not ensure approval. Nothing will. The goalposts will always move. You can’t make them give you approval, so do what you actually want.

        • Seafinch

          Bingo. I married into such a judgmental family. I make more money in our relationship, have higher educational credentials, etc and it still doesn’t matter. They’re just haters. The have a nasty thing to say about everyone and everything, me included. They’re just miserable. They pit their kids against each other and criticize anyone who wants anything other than exactly what they did.

      • Anon

        This. You need to decide if your family’s approval is more important than marrying whoever you want. If you can’t push back and create boundaries to the point of essentially disowning them, then don’t get married.

    • Anonymous

      My family is like this and I just don’t care. The conformity and consumerism of it all makes me sick, there is no individuality or personal identity. I’ve bucked the trend my whole life, I don’t follow their beliefs at all, one example is that I’m car-free which is a huge sin in a family of conspicuous consumption flashy car culture. But I’m like this in every regard, purchased a nice urban home instead of a suburban McMansion. I think it really depends on how much you value your autonomy versus fitting in and for me I would rather be my own person.

      • Vicky Austin

        I’ll note, as the child of someone who chose to marry someone from a different SES, the pain of not fitting in with people you love or other regrets about your choice can affect your relationships with others, including your children. My mom’s choice to marry my dad didn’t always sit well with her. She waffled between being jealous of her siblings’ (ostensibly easier) lives and decrying them for not making the hard choices and doing the hard work she did. She groused about her in-laws behind my dad’s back, usually to me, never caring when I asked her not to disparage the grandparents I loved. Over the years, the “grass is greener” effect seems to have made her more and more negative about her own life, choices and work, when she initially chose the way she did on purpose to be different from the siblings she now envies. I don’t have a super thrilling point to make, but all of this has affected my mom’s relationships with me, my dad and sisters, and with her family of origin, and maybe it will help someone not make those mistakes.

        • Anonymous

          I think the difference is that your mom seems to secretly want those things and I very much do not. I will never look at my cousin’s Mercedes as anything but a money pit, I will never be jealous that my brother has to drive 20 minutes to target when I have 10 different local stores within a 5 minute walk. I truly am happy with my choices because they work for me and are what I want.

          • Vicky Austin

            True, sorry. I guess my actual point is that her indecision and conflict after the fact was not handled healthily. With every choice comes the possibility that you will regret it. I feel distinctly that she did not prepare for that and thus was ill-equipped for the times when it was true.

    • Monday

      My knowledge is mostly of now-affluent white families who have been in the US at least 2 full generations. This describes my family as well.

      It’s an interesting test of a family’s actual values when a member pairs off with someone of a “lower” SES. So many families claim that they respect everyone equally, but would prefer to keep that theoretical and have little to no contact with those of lesser means, status or education. Or alternatively, there’s some memory of poverty, but it’s from many decades ago, and no connection is made to people who are poor currently.

      My partner talks about growing up in trailer parks with complete freedom, although no one in my family can relate. He doesn’t “trauma dump,” but it’s understood that his parents were drinkers and he didn’t know where his next meal was coming from. He does not have a prestigious job, but among people he knows from childhood, he’s high achieving for being stably employed and no arrest history.

      I love him for never feeling like he has to hide OR romanticize this part of his life, and I respect my family members for not batting an eye. I also silently note those who are barely tolerating these topics of discussion, and feel less close to them as a result. (They’re too genteel to actually say anything, but they ask no questions and show no interest.)

    • Nesprin

      I (PhD engineer) married a repair guy who never finished high school. My family didn’t come to our wedding, and the level of … confusion… that this was the person I loved was very high. Other people might have felt different, but quite frankly, I know myself and I know him, and the benefits of marrying this person that I love outweighed my family’s disapproval.

      We’ve now been married for 16 yrs.

    • Anonymous

      When I was 23, I broke up with the guy from a different background because of my judgemental family. I married the “right” guy, suffered years of verbal and financial abuse, and finally divorced him ten years later. Now dating a new guy from a background my family wouldn’t approve of, but this time I don’t care. Life is too short, we are happy together, and it’s none of their business.
      Also…it took me a very long time and lots of therapy to stop caring what they think.

    • Anonymous

      I would but I know it could be difficult. I have long been aware that my white, non-immigrant, born-into-wealth but not high-achieving in her own right mother has some deep-rooted opinions on this because when she learned my high school classmate, who is gorgeous and athletic and (I think) went to college but made a living as a hairdresser, was engaged to a CPA who is completely unknown to us, my mother’s reaction was “What does a CPA want with a hairdresser?” And that is with traditional gender roles reversed! It is mostly irrelevant now, as I am older, never married, and my parents no longer live near me. My mother would still be judgy, but if I were to get married or partnered now, they wouldn’t be a routine part of our lives so who cares. My current BF is (and presents as) former LE and now has a management job at a company making five figures, so this could come up and I am ready for it. I’ve shared only things about him they might find unacceptable, holding back that he is well-educated and extremely well-read, highly intelligent, creative, shares their views on social and political issues, and knows way more about the anglo and white European cultural literature, art, music, and history that my parents adore than they could ever hope to. This way they can only be pleasantly surprised.

    • Ellen

      I am in your friend’s camp. If you love somebody, he can work anywhere, or not, if you trust him to stay home and not meet up with women at the dog park. I had guys interested in me for years who had non-professional jobs, and I would have married any of them if I found them interesting enough to marry, but I didn’t. Not b/c of their jobs, but more b/c they were not as worldly as me. I need to be mentally stimulated by men–after all, you can only have s-x for an hour a day or so. You need a man to be smart with his pants on, too. So my lesson is to find a guy you can get along with even if he does not make you feel like ripping his clothes off 24/7. YAY!!

    • Senior Attorney

      My second husband was a blue-collar guy (in a tech field but a hands-on installer) with a GED. My parents didn’t care about that. They did finally get fed up and cut ties because he was a gigantic a$$hole, but that’s another story.

    • Anon

      Doubtful but only because we probably wouldn’t actually align on things. I think it’s a bit of a fantasy absent other special circumstances like being from the same culture.

  10. Gail the Goldfish

    My dryer has decided to stop drying. It’s the latest in a series of issues, so I’m just replacing instead of trying to repair it. Has anyone bought a dryer recently that they would recommend? I don’t need super fancy, I just need it to dry and have a low/delicates setting.

    • Cat

      you’re probably stuck with “what’s in stock and fits in my space?” but fwiw we love our Speed Queen washer and dryer. Very few bells and whistles = very few things that can break.

      • Anonymous

        +1 I have a speed queen and its the absolute best, I had to order the dyer over the pandemic and I think the wait time was 6 weeks? It was worth the wait.

    • KS IT Chick

      We bought an Electrolux that doesn’t have a vent. Instead, it collects the water in a reservoir and uses a drain hose to send it out the washer drain. We have seen a month-over-month decrease in our electric bill since we made the switch. We have put a cap on the dryer vent so that we don’t have animals decide to use it for nesting.

      It’s a mate to our washer. If the stacking kit ever comes back in stock, we will stack them and redo the shelves and cabinets in the laundry spot that doubles as my kitchen pantry.

      • KS IT Chick

        Oh yeah, availability. We ordered from Home Depot. We waited about 10 days for delivery.

    • MagicUnicorn

      You may already have ruled this out but just in case not: if the dryer vent is clogged your clothes won’t dry AND it is a big fire hazard. A new dryer won’t fix the issue unless the installers decide to check it.

  11. Anonymous

    I am in private practice, I’m a partner, and I can’t seem to get the hang of feast-or-famine work periods. I am exhausted during feast periods and nervous during famine periods. My type of law doesn’t have an annual cyclical pattern – no predictable year end rush, for example – so I’m having a hard time building in vacation time or taking days off if it’s slow since it could change any time. Any advice?

    • AnonQ

      I cope during feast periods by making a list of things I want to do but don’t have time for…little things that bring me joy and can be done spontaneously, like a trip to a new exhibit in town or a hobby class I want to try.

      During famine periods, I do those things on the list. I stave off some worry about not having much work by taking some small business development steps each day, but it is a struggle sometimes.

      Re vacation, either book last minute or book in advance with good cancelation policies.

  12. Lorelai Gilmore

    Do some virtual shopping for me! I need two items:
    1) Jeans that I can wear to work with cute tweed jackets. I am looking for something that is wide-leg or flared, but in a darker wash. Full length, not cropped. I’m a size 16 and can basically spend any amount of money if it’s the right thing.
    2) A cute pale pink blazer. Size 14.
    I keep seeing the pink blazers on women all over New York but can’t find one to buy!

    Thanks!

  13. disneyrecs

    Disney post over on the moms board got me thinking I could source some recs here… I’ll have a free afternoon/evening in Disney (staying at a hotel near Epcot) over the summer, kid free after a work event. Flying back the next day. Growing up, I loved Hollywood Studios, and I like thrill rides (this is a rare opportunity to ride them solo since my husband doesn’t like coasters), but could also see enjoying Epcot as an adult. WWYD? I thinking maybe take myself to Hollywood Studios for the afternoon and go to Epcot (or somewhere else) for dinner & a show? I’m happy to splurge to get ride access but haven’t been since I was a kid and have no idea how to go about “gaming the system” these days. I don’t remember on-site restaurants at Disney being good, but maybe the drinking around the world thing at Epcot changes that? I’m perfectly comfortable sitting at a bar somewhere with a good drink and a book and taking in the atmosphere.
    Recommendations?

    • anon

      If you really like thrill rides, my recollection from a few years ago is that Universal would be a better choice than Hollywood Studios. Last time I was there it had many more “adult” rides than any of the Disney parks.

      • Anne-on

        +1. I’ve done both and Universal has hounds down the better roller coasters/adult rides. I also tend to think the overall level of food is better at Universal (ommiting the crazy high end Disney restaurants that are impossible to book at) and the ‘get drunk at every pavilion’ crowd at Epcot creeps me out.
        For overall ambiance, Animal Kingdom was really fun/the buffet was good, and the food at the Animal Kingdom Lodge was legitimately great especially if you can get a savannah view at sunset.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think it’s reasonable to do two parks in one afternoon/evening. I’d pick one. For me it would be Hollywood Studios because I <3 Star Wars. I would try to book Rise of the Resistance and the Millennium Falcon ride in the morning before the work event.

      I went to Disneyland with a colleague after a conference one afternoon a few years ago. We got on a ton of rides quickly using the single rider lines. Not sure whether that is still a thing.

      • Anon

        I was just at WDW – granted, during spring break when it was unbelievably crowded – and we could not get a paid – for spot for either of the two new Star Wars rides because WDW hotel guests got first dibs and we were staying off property. By the time we could reserve, even paying for Genie plus, we had missed the window. So the success for you might depend if you are staying at a Disney property or not.

        Also keep in mind you may have to have a ticket AND a reservation for a specific park, and a particular park may sell out. Makes doing two parks more difficult. And getting between parks takes time too.

        If it were me, I’d go to magic kingdom and pay for genie plus to go on splash mountain and space mountain and the other roller coasters using the lightning lane (read the Disney boards to see how that works) then get a drink and a good viewing spot for the fireworks at 9:00.

        • Anon

          Also, you can often get on rides pretty easily after the fireworks if you can stay that late – park stays open until 11 some nights. Plus you miss the crush of people leaving.

    • Anon

      TL;DR – If you want rides go to Hollywood Studios. If you’re looking to stroll around and have a couple drinks, go to Epcot.

      Hollywood Studios is completely different from pre-2017ish, so all the “behind the scenes of the movies” stuff is essentially gone, but there are a lot of new rides there. To get on Rise of the Resistance (the big star wars ride), Slinky Dog Dash or Mickey and Minnie’s Runaway Railway you’ll have to do some of the annoying research and refreshing the app stuff, even if you’re willing to pay. You could get on Tower of Terror, Rockin’ Roller Coaster (which has a single rider line) and Star Tours fairly easily without pre-planning. The food in Hollywood Studios is pretty much trash, but the two new Star Wars quick service places are decent. Brooke McDonald is a good resource for learning all the ins-and-outs of planning stuff if you want to dive into that.

      The whole front of Epcot is completely torn apart right now for construction, but I’m guessing you’re staying at Swan and Dolphin or one of those hotels where you can go in the back entrance and basically avoid all of that. If going the Epcot route enter through the back entrance, get dinner in World Showcase and do a couple of the chill-er rides there, which you can just do standby (Spaceship Earth, Living With the Land. Test Track has a single rider line). For dinner World Showcase has lots of good options, personally I love the San Angel Inn Restaurante in the Mexico pavilion because of the ambiance — perpetual twilight, AC, good margs, fake volcano, what’s not to love?? If you’re doing any sit down restaurants you’ll need to make a reservation in advance.

      Have fun!

    • Anonymous

      Would recommend the vlogs on Adam Hattan’s youtube – he’s a UK Disney enthusiast who does vlogs about both friends based and solo Disney. There is lots of current Epcot footage – and tips for “gaming the system”.

    • Jolene

      I recommend you check out Disney Tourist Blog – they are two child free Disney experts who talk a lot about restaurant/food quality and agendas for the various parks. Just a ton of good resources and ideas there.

      If I were in your position, I’d go to Hollywood Studios and ride Rockin’ Rollercoaster and Tower of Terror. Iconic rides. I’d also look for dining reservations in Hollywood Studios – I think SciFi Dine-In Theater is there and is supposed to be really fun. I’d also stay til park closing and get “swept out” just bc I don’t think that’s something my kids will have the energy to do for many years, if ever!

  14. Bloodwork question

    What kind of things would you suggest I ask for in a blood panel?
    My regular bloodwork includes HbA1C, lipid panel, TSH, and comprehensive metabolic panel.
    I noticed that blood cell counts were missing the last time, so am going to ask for this to be added to the lab order.
    Should I do Vit D and Vit B12/folate, as well?

    • Anonymous

      I would do D. B12 sure esp if you aren’t a meat eater or not a big meat eater.

    • Anon

      Depending on your insurance, they may not cover vitamin testing unless medically indicated (your doctor has reason to think they might be low).

  15. Anonymous

    Would you do this or is this an overkill? Am one of the few left that’s still pretty concerned about covid; have an underlying health issue. I basically have lived pretty “locked down” for two years — not actual lock down but not out an about like others are now even in a mask. That can’t go on forever because I have to go back to the office in June. Yet I’m still unclear as to whether I’m high risk or not, how high risk etc. Would you take an appointment with your PCP to discuss this? Part of me thinks she like anyone else would be like do what you want, why are you wasting my time on this. But she is a nice, rational person so IDK that she’d be that annoyed either – it’d be a 15 min web appointment and I and my insurer would obviously pay and I guess I could throw in some health maintenance type stuff too though obviously it isn’t a physical by web.

    • Anonymous

      Absolutely!!!! She is your doctor this is a totally reasonable thing to do.

    • Anon

      Yes, I did this. I went to my doc (in my case, my rheumatologist) and laid out my concerns. In fact I did it a couple of times over the pandemic.

      Once during delta when one of my siblings was trying to arrange a sibling get-together, and another of my siblings was still unvaccinated. He advised that I could go but both the unvaccinated sibling and I would need to remain masked indoors, as well as maintain social distancing. I knew my sibling wouldn’t mask so I didn’t go. It was a good out to say my doctor advised against it, and to be honest I didn’t want to go anyway.

      More recently I said that I needed to attend a conference to support my business. The conference was a couple of weeks ago. I contacted him about a month before the conference and I basically said “at some point I have to get back out there to support my business.” He prescribed me Evusheld, which I qualified for as I take an immunosuppressive medication, and I went to the conference. It was largely unmasked and I am very happy to report that I didn’t get sick.

      Talk to your doctor. Especially if you have one you like. I like my rheumatologist a lot. He’s a tells-it-like-it-is kind of guy, which I appreciate a lot.

      Tonight I’m going to dinner with a friend who is coming in from out of town. There are four of us in total. When the text went out trying to set up a time for dinner, I responded “I’d love to! I’d prefer a place that has outdoor seating” and no one reacted badly to that. I do know all of these friends are vaccinated so that helps. I base these decisions on my earlier conversation with my doctor about the proposed sibling trip, so it really has continued to help me that I had that conversation with him months ago.

      • anon

        +1. I would talk to whatever doctor is primary on the underlying medical condition that makes you high risk. A family member’s rheumatologist has been doing a similar triaging of risk with her, and frankly, the doc has said the biggest issue is getting people out of the house again (inappropriate situations).

    • Anon

      there is no harm at all if you make the appointment. you are completely overthinking this. covid is still a newer virus and we are constantly learning new things, and on some level at this stage it is a matter of personal risk tolerance, and your doctor’s opinion is still only one medical opinion, but you have a lot of questions that sound like might be helpful to discuss with a practitioner. it is her job to meet with patients. and bill for them.

    • Anonymous

      It sounds like you want the advice so I think you should make the appointment.

    • Anonymous

      I think do it if it will help you, but you have to realize that so much of this is chance. I know people with plenty of high risk conditions who came through covid just find. And there are all kinds of stories of people with no risk factors who have passed. It’s just like basically any other condition – you can reduce, but likely not eliminate your risk, and even if you do all the risk eliminating things, you still may get it.

      • Anon

        There are additional things to discuss too (like eligibility for certain treatments). I wish the science were better understood so it didn’t feel like such a crapshoot though.

      • Anon

        Her question was whether this was the kind of question her doctor would entertain, not what your opinion is. She got lots of answers that yes, this is exactly the kind of thing doctors can help with. We don’t need another thread of armchair disease experts pronouncing everyone else crazy.

        • anonshmanon

          OP, there is the risk that your doctor is dismissive, but that is not a reflection on the validity of your question!
          A good, well-informed doctor could help you with knowing the best available data for any underlying conditions that you have, and how they inform covid risk. They know which sources of medical information are reliable. They can help you make sense of the information overload and discuss the risk of specific activities that you might be planning.
          You could probably get some of this information on your own, but it’s your doctor’s job to understand and weigh all these factors as a professional, and a lot of doctors don’t love when patients come to the appointment with preformed notions after consulting google. Then they have to spend a lot of time clearing up misconceptions.
          Make the appointment!

    • The Lone Ranger

      Definitely. I’m also high risk and have spoken to my doctor about it several times over the past years. Covid is new, new things are learned. My doctor is a critical care specialist, so was on the front line in the ICU with Covid patients, so really does know. It’s been helpful and reassuring, even when he is telling me things I don’t want to hear (i.e., continue masking and avoiding).

    • Curious

      This is basically going to be our entire end-of-treatment conversation with the oncologist in two weeks, unless something surprising appears on my scan.

  16. mirror

    Anyone have a rec for a magnification mirror to keep in my teeny tiny bathroom to help my aging eyes when plucking/doing make-up etc? Ideally something I can ?put up when I need it, take it down when I don’t. Maybe with a suction cup or something?

    What do you use?

    • Elderlyunicorn

      Get a wall mounted mirror with a light. Hire a handy man if you’re not confident about mounting to the wall … it’ll be worth it. Don’t bother with a suction cup and definitely get one that lights up.

  17. Anon

    Early forties and I had a late realization that the skin on my neck seems to have gotten significantly worse recently. There are horizontal lines (4 main; a few occasional) but there are newer vertical lines that age me a lot. Otherwise, my face is pretty young looking so I’m at a loss how to deal with this.
    Any suggestions? Neck creams? Exercises? I will start using my BHA acid that I had bought for my face, not sure if that’s what it needs. Would a facial massage help?

    • Anon

      Sunscreen, use religiously, and moisturizer, but this is an inevitable thing that keeps plastic surgeons and makers of high-necked garments in business.

      I can’t use any acids or retinoids on my neck – it’s far more sensitive than my face – so tread lightly.

    • Jo March

      Also, “tech neck,” from looking down at our phones all the time.
      I’ve also heard it called studying neck from the days of books in libraries.

    • Doc rec

      This is normal. Unfortunately, surgery is your only option. I use my retinoid on my neck occasionally, use sun screen (1-2x per week only), but these don’t help with the deep lines.

      This is just normal due to normal use of the neck, and genetics may play a role in the skin elasticity.

  18. Leigh

    I recently read that tea bags may cause drinkers to swallow micro-plastics. Safer to use loose tea leaves.

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