Weekend Open Thread

130 Comments

1. I think I’m officially shopped out. I’ve been shopping/eating my feelings since the election, got a few pairs of shoes/denim as extras , plus some extra canned food in case tarriffs make things more obnoxious to buy, and now I feel like I’m in wait and see mode.

   1. I’m trying to be frugal but I grief-ate myself out of my clothes. Rather than just reshopping for a capsule wardrobe, I’m just in incomfortable pants and trying to make it work (poorly).

   2. Start shopping for dahlias, you’ll never be done. I swore I was stopping at 10 for the summer then accidentally bought 16 more.

      1. Where do you order dahlias from? I assume they ship tubers and that’s what you plant?

         I’d like to plant some this year, and have never before. There are several websites and so many different variations. Not sure where to start.

         1. I’ve made orders from Swan Island Dahlias and Petals in Bloom (the 40-yo woman founder just died from cancer so I thought it would be nice to give her family some business). If you get some from a big box store like Costco, Home Depot, or one of the importers like Breck’s/Holland be very careful to not put them in the ground because they might carry diseases (gall) that would screw up your soil for years to come. I bought a bunch of 7 gallon grow bags because that’s what everyone says is best. The ball dahlias last longest in the vase. Do you have a favorite color for flowers? I can probably recommend some, they come in every color but blue.

            1. Ok thanks!

      2. Where do you order dahlias from? And what varieties do you suggest I start with? I’m looking but there are so many options. I feel like this is something where I order 5 different tubers this year and add more the next year depending on how it goes?

2. Posted earlier but got stuck in mod. Help me with a gut check.

   I work in my family business, which is an industrial operation with a large national footprint. The managerial staff is family, so all college educated, but the industry itself has a blue collar vibe.

   My dad wants to hire his friend’s son, who is working in a more college-educated field where he can make $200,000-$500,000 after a few years. My dad has offered this son two jobs previously over the last few years, both of which the son turned down. My dad has found out the son is not happy in his current role (due to his boss moving goalposts, not because of the work itself), and would like to seize the moment to offer the son another job.

   Our role would pay him around $120,000 to start, and could go up to $200,000, which is more than he’s making now, but less than he could make eventually in his current role. The job we’re offering would be the same basic job, but would require a bit more hustle.

   I think since he already turned down two roles with us, offering him a third job doesn’t make a ton of sense. Even if he accepts it, I feel there’s a possibility he won’t respect the role and will view it as beneath him. I’ve had other relatives accept roles in the company that they feel too good for, and enjoy the decent salary / stability without really trying that hard. I don’t know why we’d hire someone who has indicated he doesn’t work for us.

   But, maybe I’m biased from those other experiences. Do you think someone can turn down a role multiple times and then still appreciate it if they accept it later on? The pivot would also take him off of his current career trajectory and insert him into an unrelated field with far less longterm earning potential, so I don’t personally think it would be a great move for him.

   1. Your gut is probably right, but it sounds like your dad is intent on continuing to welcome this person into the family fold.

   2. Your dad gets drinks with his friend and it goes from there. Communication is more, hey, let him know my offer is always open if he wants to talk about a change of pace. If your Dad runs into the son at some other event, he can deliver message then. People do change their minds after a few years working in consulting or as an accountant about whether the firm life is for them (if I’m guessing right).

   3. I agree that this guy won’t be invested in a job that’s beneath his long term earning potential and he already turned down twice. I wouldn’t argue that he won’t respect the role because it will just put your dad on the defensive. Point out that if he accepts the job now you know it’s an impulsive decision to get away from his boss, then he’ll probably jump ship in a couple years when he sees his peers making more than him and remembers he was fine with his former industry. It’s a waste of your company’s time and resources to onboard two employees in a relatively short period of time.

   4. I’d be wary of getting into bed with this guy… if he isn’t performing how will you fire him?

      1. I somehow skipped the OP and just saw this comment. I definitely had the wrong context…..

   5. I think it’s a bad plan to continue offering a job to someone who has turned you down twice before, unless the person has something really special that will add to the company. Meaning, it’s a person you’re recruiting because their personality and skill set will move you forward in some way. Does your dad think this guy has that special combo the company needs? Or is his desire to have the guy work for the company so entwined with the long-time friendship that it’s hard to tell.

      It sounds, however, like your dad wants to make a relationship hire here, not a skills-based hire? You’ve seen these relationship hires go badly more than once in the past. Evidently that hasn’t stopped your dad from continuing to make them. So, unless you can change your dad, or unless you actually have the decision-making power here . . .

3. easy to use and affordable flower delivery? I have a friend who is newly single and would like to send her something but didn’t think of this in advance of Valentine’s Day (the flowers don’t have to arrive today)
   Thank you!

   1. I feel like the best way is to directly contact a florist where she lives. You can hop on Yelp and find one that’s highly rated.

      1. +1. Even in my podunk small hometown, this has worked out well. I give them a budget and any stipulations – my grandma HATES carnations – and they do a great job.

   2. My friend just sent me a local Whole Foods flower bouquet and frozen croissants. You can do that same day.

   3. Instacart. It works. You can send flowers from Costco with a tray of cookies.

   4. Thank you!!

   5. not for today but i like costco because you can schedule in advance.

4. Just curious – has anyone tried dry needling? Just started working with a PT who is certified in it. Sounds interesting.

   1. Yes, didn’t find it all that helpful and it was super painful. Not while they were doing it, but 20 to 30 minutes later I’d get so sore I could barely move for the next day or two. I won’t completely rule out that it helped a little in the long term, but I was doing other types of PT at the same time that were much less painful and might also have been responsible for any improvement (and I didn’t get all that much better anyway).

   2. Yes and it helped. We did it early in the PT process, which I’m still in. While I felt sore for the rest of the day after each PT appointment, I also started feeling relief the next day.

      1. But could you just be getting better because of the PT? Hard to know.

   3. I mistakenly thought it was basically like acupuncture and not a big deal. But my husband reported that it was a lot more painful and it seemed like he was basically injured by it though no one would say so? But the weakness in his hand that he was seeking help for got dramatically worse, and he got a ugly bruise that took a long time to heal, and a lot of numbness and tingling he didn’t have before. So now I’m scared of it though I don’t really know more than I did before.

   4. The evidence for it is pretty weak- it’s a low quality recommendation. The PT’s I know who offer it mostly think it helps via placebo (which can be a real effect!), especially by making the patient feel just enough better that they’re willing and able to do more exercises. So I’d say go ahead and try it if you want, but don’t if it scares you. And if something else placebo-ey, like a warm wrap just before PT relaxes you or makes you feel more confident, that’s likely to benefit in the same way

   5. I have done it and it has helped immensely. The issues I had were tendon tears and torn soft tissue; bringing blood flow to areas that don’t normally get it does dramatically aid healing.

      1. Yes I have done needling for this as part of PT for a muscle with nerve damage. The goal as explained to me was to try to jump start the nerve – it didn’t have any signals going through it. So maybe the electricity could go through the nerve to my muscle. I mean it really is electricity, and needles! So yeah it can be painful and cause injury. It helped my muscle in the short term but didn’t really help my nerve in the long-term

         1. No, this technique does not help nerve injury at all. Zero real evidence.

            Although your explanation really made me laugh. Sigh, PTs are often idiots.

   6. Yes, I’m getting dry needling and it is helping immensely with my winged shoulder blade. I am now able to lay flat on my back for the first time in years, with both shoulders where they need to be. Now I am able to use my right arm without immense pain and frustration. With my shoulder in the correct place, I’m better positioned to build strength in the right muscles so that I can maintain the results. Yes, I was quite sore the first time or two, but it is so worth it to me. I was struggling to do everything from chopping vegetables, to driving, to knitting, to riding a bike and was frustrated to tears before finally giving dry needling a go. But – I also believe that the practitioner really matters here.

5. I have tried the Gold Bond crepe protect version of this. I feel like my hands are aging faster than the rest of me. I guess it’s proof I’m washing my hands because I put sunscreen on in the morning and then massage in the extra on my hands (but never reapply it there unless I’m at the beach or maybe on a weekend). I guess this is what the small sizes from the Sephora sampler are good for — put in your bag so you can reapply.

   1. I moisturize my hands before I go to sleep – like I keep a bottle of hand lotion on my night table. Highly recommend. I started it because with washing my face e and removing contacts etc etc my hands felt like they got washed 50 times in the last hour before bed ew and the lotion really does help.

      1. Doesn’t everyone keep a bottle of lotion on your nightside table? I have several with various properties.

         1. I don’t know; I haven’t slept with everyone, is the easy joke

            Manicurists and friends and people who have cause to shake or hold my hands have told me mine feel really soft! I’m weirdly proud of it. You too can be my hand lotion friend in the evening

         2. No? Why would I assume everyone does anything?

            1. Some things seem universal. People keep shampoo in their shower and a toothbrush by the sink.

            2. I never use lotion at all and don’t think I even own any. My hands are also soft enough that people comment on it. I do use sensitive skin soap, so maybe that helps.

            3. Me either, yuck. I hate lotion.

   2. do you drive? get driving gloves for your hands. i think they help.

   3. I like the SuperGoop SPF hand cream for reapplying SPF during the day. The small tubes travel well.

6. I have a career/job question.

   Current Role: Lots of flexibility and autonomy; nice boss; report to C suite; comp is high compared to market; hybrid; people are nice and smart; worked there for 6+ years. Significant layoffs over a few years, including laying off my whole team. The business strategy has shifted and while I think it is promising, I don’t like the new work.

   Personal Life: 1 child; spouse has long, inflexible hours so I do all mornings/pick ups/dealing with backup care. I’ve been doing fertility treatment for a long time for #2 and it seems unlikely to happen.

   Two questions:

   1. Would you leave? It feels foolish to leave due to comp/flexibility, but I really dislike the work and am concerned that I will finally get pregnant and then get laid off, which would feel catastrophic. I am sort of emotionally attached to the job since it’s a startup and I’ve been there for so long/like the people.

   2. What would you target doing next? All seem possible based on preliminary network feedback.
   (a) Similar role at a bigger company that is hybrid or remote, understanding I will have a 10-20% pay cut and lower title. More long term career advancement options and stability.
   (b) Return to a specialty area I worked in previously, most likely fully remote with good work life balance and comp is equal or more. Less career advancement but I know I like the work and the roles are stable.
   (c) Lead my function at a startup. Better career prospects/title, comp would be similar, but work life balance would likely be much worse and less stability.

   1. I personally wouldn’t do c if you’re still holding out for baby 2. If you’re worried about being laid off in your current role, why move somewhere equally risky? I would take option b because you already know you like the work, it’s stable, and you don’t have to take a pay cut.

      This isn’t a forever decision. Make the right change for now and keep the other 2 options open for the future.

   2. Depends on your financial situation. Are you trapped by vesting stock options? Do you have excellent retirement and other savings?
      I’m getting close to being in a good position for somewhat early retirement, and once I get there, I’d go for C. My preferred final role in this industry would be to go back to the startup phase but at the most senior level.
      Otherwise I’d choose B because it doesn’t sound like you’re happy and it doesn’t sound like you think your job is terribly secure.

7. PSA: I asked about replacement lip balms for the Kiehl’s butterstick and have a winner: MD Solarscience hydrating sheer lip balm spf 30 (I got the untinted) It is slightly waxier than the Kiehl’s but has the same effect and doesn’t get pilly if you reapply, etc.

   Runner-up: Neutrogena revitalizing lip balm, really nice texture but only spf 20 and I don’t care for the scent, too cookie-y.

   I did NOT like:
   – jack black, not a stick and the scent is way too much (mint)
   – aquaphor, way too waxy and builds up on your lips on the edge
   – supergoop, too sweet tasting and leaves a weird dry residue after a while
   – sun bum, scent is awful (coconut?) and also waxy

   1. THANK YOU! Butterstick fan here! Will try both your rec and runner up. :)

8. I’m pretty sure DH, who is in his late 40s, has a mild hearing problem and I’m worried that it’s going to get worse or affect his quality of life. When we are upstairs in our house, I can hear our dishwasher beep to signal that the cycle is finished but he cannot. He is constantly asking me “what?” if I am speaking too far away from him and he is often speaking in a louder voice than necessary (i.e., we’re not outside or in a crowd or anything). I’ve suggested to him that he should tell his doctor and his doctor said he can get a hearing test anywhere (like Costco hearing). He just doesn’t want to do it. I’m sure it’s because he’s afraid of needing a hearing aid (his father has a hearing aid but is in his 80s). So, how do I actually get him to go get a hearing test without nagging him?

   1. A black cat does not care if her husband loses his hearing, other than it might make him less attractive/interesting to her. So maybe frame it that way: “I really don’t like it when I’m speaking to you and you can’t hear me.”

   2. So my husband is in the same position and did go get a hearing test (on his own, not because I nagged him), but if you’re not really at the point of needing a hearing aid yet, there’s not much point. The audiologist just told him to tell his wife to make sure to talk to his face, not while turned away or while washing dishes or doing other loud things (I’m definitely guilty of all of these things). He has trouble with really high pitches (so things like the dishwasher sound you mentioned) or parsing speech when there’s a lot of background noise, which hearing aids are notoriously bad at anyway. Regular face to face conversation is still fine, but once that starts to become a problem, he’ll go back.

      1. My dad (age 76) has hearing loss. Claims that his doctor says it’s normal for him to have a harder time hearing women’s and children’s voices. Maybe that’s legit, but OMG SERIOUSLY, I was so ticked about that remark. The man needs hearing aids but won’t do it for reasons that I do not understand. I could try to reason with me, but if he can’t hear women’s voices well enough, then …

         1. Should’ve said “reason with him.”

   3. You might let him know about the connection between hearing loss and dementia. That’s the thing that really scares me. https://publichealth.jhu.edu/2021/hearing-loss-and-the-dementia-connection

      1. This is a better study to highlight – https://www.nih.gov/news-events/nih-research-matters/hearing-aids-slow-cognitive-decline-people-high-risk

   4. my father just had a hearing test – the man is 75 and has ringing in his ear since 15 thanks to firearm usage (grew up hunting). i was SHOCKED when they said all was fine.

      for your husband – encourage him to get the hearing test because it might all be fine (and just be a focus issue). frame it as just ruling out a hearing problem.

   5. I finally got hearing aids this week. I tested as having mild to moderate hearing loss about 18 months ago, and then continued to waffle over whether to get the hearing aids. I think what finally pushed me into getting them is the nagging worry about the link to dementia that people have already posted about here, plus the awkwardness of not being able to fully hear when I’m in a meeting room with colleagues or at a conference. I mostly do fine in one-on-one situations. I watch tv with subtitles. I’m fine on the phone or Zoom. I struggle in outdoor settings like if I’m skiing or on a bike ride with friends, and there is wind and more distance.
      Of course, I picked up the hearing aids earlier this week but have yet to put them on, so I guess that’s the next hurdle.

      1. Good for you, and I hope the hearing aids help you hear better! Congratulations!

   6. I just bought airpods, and I’m fine with playing around with the different features on them, which include entry-level hearing-aid help. Would he be open to that? It doesn’t feel the same as hearing aids, and it might be a way for him to see if a setting there makes a difference.

   7. Three years ago, my dad was having trouble hearing (super loud TV, speaking way louder than necessary, asking us to repeat what was said three times per conversation). He had just recovered from a terrible bout of Covid that required a long hospital stay, and we thought this was a new long-term symptom. He was reluctant (I think scared) to see a doctor. One day, he got mad at our complaining and stormed off to an ENT who took weekend call. It was an earwax buildup. She cleared it right away, and now he goes every six months. So maybe suggest that as a possible stupid solution to get him to an appointment.

      1. Actually, this is an excellent point.
         It is totally common.

      2. Second this, excellent point!

9. A contractor we’ve been disappointed with just sent us the final bill. We want to write him back and ask for a discount because of the stuff below.

   This was for a new geothermal HVAC system ($130k cash – not chump change! (but we get about half back after tax rebates)) at the house we’re moving into next year, so the house is vacant most of the time right now.

   – Took 5 months to finish the work instead of the promised 2. Since the house was vacant, this was just them prioritizing other people. Some I’ll tolerate – after all, the house is vacant and there’s a human customer screaming for heat over there – but not 3 months’ worth.

   – Left the heat set at 70* in December-January, leading to a $773 electric bill. (The system will be paired with solar panels, coming next.) After I yelled at them about that and told them to set the heat at 50*, the worker remembered to set the downstairs thermostats at 50* but left the upstairs at 70*, causing the whole house to rise to a balmy 67* for the last two weeks of January. I haven’t seen this new bill yet and I’m not looking forward to it.

   – Drilled rectangles for floor vents in the wrong places in two rooms, even though we had provided them with post-renovation floor plans and talked it over in a conference call. Drilling holes through hardwood floors is upsetting, yes?

   – Left behind 12 empty 5-gallon buckets in the basement. They had some sort of chemical in them and we’re in a rural area without trash service and I don’t want to be responsible for disposing of them.

   So, our final bill is just $3,600. Would you ask for a discount? Just send in an amount you think is appropriate? What do you think is appropriate? How would you proceed?

   1. This sounds like it was frustrating but honestly no, I don’t think you get a discount for any of this. Mayyyyybe the holes in the hardwood; did you pay to get them repaired?

   2. Pay them in full after they come to pick up the buckets.

      Everything else just sounds annoying, but nothing worth withholding money over.

      1. this – pay the majority of the bill and then say they can get the rest when they pick up buckets. i’d say withhold the entire amount if you want them to fix anything.

         we got screwed over by a contractor (much smaller project, $5k for pocket doors) and i really really regret my husband paying the second half of the bill without either of us inspecting the work first. we tried suing him in small claims court and the man changed his address and his company name so now we can’t find him. super suss.

   3. If you came out of pocket for the holes, then you can ask to be reimbursed. But if they fixed them, that’s just part of it. And I agree, make them pick up the buckets before you pay. But otherwise, I think those are just frustrating parts of construction. Especially delays. Double the time expected is pretty normal in my experience, if not longer.

   4. Agree there’s nothing here so outrageous you get a discount. It can’t have been that much work if your bill was less than $4k.

   5. I think the only appropriate option is to pay your bill in full. It is not your contractor’s responsibility that you did not check on your property from December to January or that you lack trash service.

   6. Pay it.

   7. I’d tell him that you are holding back payment on the bill until they fix the floor issues and move the buckets.

   8. Assuming the cost of floor repairs has already been addressed satisfactorily. If not, get that settled first.

      Then, I’d offer to meet at the house with final payment, which you will be happy to hand over once he has loaded the buckets and anything else he left behind into his vehicle.

   9. I’d make them come get their buckets for sure. I think you’re off base on the timing and heating issues. I once had the siding on my house rip off in a storm and it took 5 months to get fixed because it was a small job (but 3 stories up so not a DIY). THAT was ridiculous. Five months for interior work on a house you’re not living in is nbd. And when you have workers in your house, they’re going to set the thermostat to a comfortable temperature. They’re not going to remember to set it to 50 when they leave. If you wanted it at 50 then it was on you to make the trip to reset it every time they left, which I bet sounds like more of a PITA than $500 or whatever the differential was.

      How difficult I’d be on the floor issue would depend on where and how noticeable it is. If it’s along the wall then you might need those holes for cable/internet anyway. If it’ll be covered by furniture then I wouldn’t care that much about a patch job. If it’s super noticeable like in the middle of a walkway with light that hits JUST SO and I know I’d see it every day then I’d make a big stink.

      You could probably sic your homeowners insurance on them. I bet you could get an estimate from a flooring contractor that says they have to redo a significant portion of the floor to get it to look right, not just patch the holes, which I bet will cost more than $3600. Your insurance will subrogate against the contractor’s general liability insurance. It will be a much bigger pain for them than whatever resolution you offer.

   10. Idea on the thermostat
       Can you just get WiFi and a smart thermostat installed now even though you don’t live there and that way you can check it from far away or put it on a smart schedule or whatever

       I mean you’d have to pay for WiFi and stuff but it seems like it would save money, comparatively

   11. This is infuriating. Have they fixed the floors? That is their responsibility. And the buckets–those are their responsibility, too, as i assume the buckets held a product they used in construction. I would withhold payment until these two problems are resolved. Holes in hardwood floors would be a big deal to me, as well as the buckets.

10. Thanks to you for all of the great ideas for Montreal! I am jumping on Fairmont Frontenac Quebec City and Notre Dame Aura this weekend and also looking at all the other recommendations.

11. Why are so many evening dresses beige? None of us goes around buying beige tops for work. Why on earth would we want to wear something that color that’s quadruple the price??

    Long live jewel tones!

    1. Agreed! I blame the Kardashians for bringing beige evening dresses, but that’s my own little hobbyhorse. With you on the jewel tones!

    2. I feel like all I see are bloggers wearing beige. All beige. Or white with beige. So boring. (I look dead in beige.)

12. I would like to start and get markedly better at something this year. Ideas? Realistically, I am willing to spend 2-5 hours per week. I love the idea of something physical (yoga? Would i get that much better?) or tangible (crochet?) (a language?). Budget is maybe $250-350 for the entire year. Preferably less than $100 in startup costs and maybe more if I stick with it but I can figure that out if it is more of an investment. Needs to be something I can do alone, and indoors (or in+out, bad weather so it cannot be exclusively outdoors)

    1. Do you have easy access to a treadmill? Can I introduce you to your mid-life crisis marathon?

    2. Oooh, the thing that fits those criteria on my “someday” list is working through all the exercises in “Drawing on the right hand side of the brain”

       1. This is the book I used at 14 to teach my self drawing. Highly Recommend for self guided learning.
          31 now and still taking drawing class and learning.

       2. Thanks for the reminder! I love that book!

    3. So you’ll get “better” at yoga by doing more of it, and doing yoga regularly has been great for me. But if you want to actually improve your yoga practice, I’ve found it’s much better to do it in-person, and to do workshops if you can.

       It sounds to me like you want to learn something new. I’d go with handcrafts (knitting, crochet, jewelry-making, woodworking, etc.) or a language.

    4. I don’t know if it’s something you want to do, but yes, I think you could get considerably better at yoga!

       1. This! One of my mom’s friends recently got,into yoga and at 65 she was able to make amazing progress in about a year.

    5. Needlepoint. Start with a “Zip and Stitch” kit, which are relatively inexpensive and come with everything you need, plus are self-finishing so no extra charge after you finish to make the project into something usable. Go from there.

    6. Indoor rock climbing

    7. Drawing or painting? Tons of free resources on youtube and books.
       The supply list can be whatever you already have at home. If you enjoy it, then buy supplies as you find you need it.
       I’ve taken up bookbinding in the last few years and really enjoy it.

13. This is just a silly question – What would you like as a “i’m sorry you got laid off this administration sucks” present?

    Not a financial issue yet, this is just meant to be comforting / distracting. Might do movie tickets as part of it.

    1. I would love it. My org is in the news as imminently about to lay everyone off, and the messages I get and gestures of comfort are amazing.

    2. Consumables. Good booze or food delivery.

    3. Time. If you’re local, take them out for lunch or something fun and distracting. If you’re far away, consider visiting or inviting them to visit you or take a weekend trip together. This stinks, and being around people is the only thing saving me from extreme doomscrolling.

    4. I’m a probationary employee on the chopping block and I would personally find this super weird. If you must do something, take them out to dinner or a movie and pay for it.

    5. I’m a probationary and waiting to hear my fate. Honestly, I would just love someone to listen to me. I feel like I have nobody around me that understands, nobody to talk to. Family is mostly on the right and agrees with the new administration. People at work have been there a long time, lean right, and don’t believe things are that bad. I just feel stuck and alone, hoping to still have a job.

       1. If you haven’t already done so, please download your eOPF (OPM personnel file) and email it to your personal email address. If it is not too big, print out the documents, too, if you are at your government office premises. Also, make a record of all your contacts in your government phone and email address, and if your government email address is the email address of record for anything online, make the switch to your personal email address before you lose access to your government email address (so that you can confirm the new email address with a two-factor confirmation sent to your government email address). Print out any emails that describe the good job you have done and/or accomplishments and keep them in a paper file. (Generally, you may not take government records with you when you leave the job, but you may take “personal” files and records; arguably these sorts of emails can be viewed as “personal,” although I am not providing legal advice in this regard.). Sending best wishes and good thoughts.

          1. Thank you for this list- I hadn’t thought of work phone contacts on my gov phone.

14. We are going to visit DC during the first week of March. Any suggestions about what to wear for tours of the Capitol and White House (for myself and 2 middle school boys)? Husband is planning to wear jeans and a collared shirt.

    1. Something you’re comfortable walking in, because you’re tourists! Hitting the Mall and Capitol Hill is a lot of walking, and no one expects tourists to be dressed up. Since you’ll be going through security, doublecheck the requirements, but in general: you may not be able to bring in bags or strollers, nothing weapon-like, and nothing with offensive words. Seriously: it is fine to be wearing tourist attire while next to people in suits: they’re just going to their jobs. (I’m one of the people in suits.)

       1. Oh thank you! This is what I was struggling with. I was thinking it would seem weird not to be dressed up since we would be around people dressed up for work and I was worried about not being respectful of them or feeling out of place.

          1. You’ll be wandering around the premises with other people dressed like tourists, plus on-the-job folks dressed more business-like. Just be comfortable for walking a lot, dress for the weather, and enjoy!

15. Confession time. I don’t know why, but this is just eating me up. I was stuck in an airport weather delay and this really cute guy struck up a conversation with me. We had the BEST talk. I just felt like I had known him forever. It was just one of those conversations where you don’t even have to try. He was so funny and seemed like such a kind person and somehow time just flew by. Out of nowhere, his plane started to board and we scrambled a quick goodbye. And I just can’t stop thinking about it. I’ll never see him again. There was no info exchange. Heck, it’s not even my home airport or anywhere I’ll visit ever again. Do you ever think there are people out there that you were just meant to meet though? I’ve never felt so suddenly connected to a complete stranger. I know the whole thing is just silly in the absurdity. I guess Happy Valentine’s Day wherever you are, my airport friend.

    1. Haha, yes. This happens to me sometimes and I recognize the sadness in your words. I’ve used this type of thing as a reminder to stay open to people and not walk around the world closed off, if that makes sense. For what it’s worth I’ve had this happen a few times in airports throughout my life w people my age and much older, and even had it happen at work w people I ostensibly knew—but for no reason decided to have the long talk about life in the hallway.

    2. I’ve had this happen, and those encounters sit with me.

    3. You could always post in the Craigslist “missed connections” for that city. Maybe he will check there too?

       1. Yes, this!

       2. I was going to say this too! I don’t know if anyone reads Missed Connections anymore, but a friend posted there in it’s heyday circa 2010 and the guy responded and they ended up dating for a while.

    4. I don’t think it’s silly at all. I’ve traveled solo many times over the years and struck up random conversations with people (including attractive men) that left a mark on me years later. I agree that it may just be the universe’s way of reminding you to stay open. But it also is a reminder that human connection can be found every day in many fleeting ways when you most need it.

    5. There are lots of people in the world who are probably aligned with you in a soul-tribe like way (in ways different than you’re aligned with your family or friends). Sometimes we connect with them in passing. I’m glad you got to experience it.

16. Does anyone have good Alfredo or white sauce recipes? Tomato sauce and I don’t get along anymore.

    1. The Smitten Kitchen Cacio e Pepe is fantastic.

    2. How are you with fried eggs? There are some terrific thin spaghetti topped with garlic fried eggs sprinkled with Parmesan cheese recipes floating around. I like them as a sort of alternative to Alfredo (not as rich, but just as creamy).

17. Man, we’re in such deep sh*t as the Musk admin prepares to defy the courts. Feels like a lot of people in my life are counting on the courts to save us. They absolutely won’t.

    1. Agree. We’re in for a rough few years.

    2. I’m feeling so hopeless about the future.

       1. Same. I know I have to call but I get so overwhelmed. I’m doing the no-buy day on 2/28 though.

          1. What’s the purpose of a no buy day on a particular date? I don’t tend to buy frivolously anyway and if I need something, I need something. So if I shift my grocery shopping to 2/27 what really happens and what’s the impact? And who would even be paying attention?

             1. If enough people participate, it is definitely noticeable and sends a message.

          2. We’re doing the no-buy on 2/28 but also, in general, slowing our spending waaaayy down, every day. We are trying to bank more cash, but also – consumer spending was down more than expected in January and it did cause a ripple in the market. If it’s down again for February (in spite of Valentine’s Day) that will send a signal that people are not happy and not going to keep spending like everything’s fine. If most of people’s material needs are covered, it’s not that hard to confine spending to necessities like groceries and clothing/shoes you really need. A national, extended pullback on spending will be noticed, even if the 2/28 no-buy day isn’t.

    3. I know many people on these board don’t have the option, but, there’s an argument to be made for supporting workplace unions right now. Collective action where the oligarchs care – the pocketbook. Boycotts etc. can work too but there’s not always a structure to them that unions provide.

18. Why is it that when you tell people you’re working on a day off because you have a ton of work to do, they think they can add MORE work to your plate? Oh you’re already working so you can do more! No, as I already said, I’m only working that day because I HAVE to. I am not adding more to my plate.

    And fwiw I didn’t volunteer that information, I was specifically asked, are you working Monday (office is closed) and truthfully answered, I have to prepare for court on Tuesday so I’ll be focused on that. And still was told – great let’s have a call on this other non urgent matter that I want to get off my desk. I said no. Absolutely not. My next availability is Thursday when I’m out of court.

    1. Good for you! Boundaries are important.

    2. In these situations, I tend to say that I will not be available that day.

       1. Yes, good for you! “Monday is devoted exclusively to trial prep, I’m sure youn understand, so I’m afraid I’m tied up all morning, and then I have some scheduling conflicts in the afternoon, too. How is Thursday for you?” Rarely are they so rude as to ask what you are tied up with in the morning and what the conflicts are in your schedule. (Unless it’s your boss, a true and time-sensitive emergency, etc., read the room and all the usual caveats.)

19. What would you do? My entire career has been in higher ed. My position is paid through F&A, so I’m feeling very vulnerable under this administration. Should I bail as soon as I can find anything else? Hold on until someone tells me to go? I’m feeling sad and scared. I have casually looked around for the past 6 months and most everything I’m qualified for outside of higher ed is going to be a step down. Not trying to set the world on fire with my career anymore but starting over after 20 years is going to be rough. Would love some advice.

    1. I am in a public health field and share many of your emotions. I’m updating my resume and will start reaching out to my network. I am going to look for roles that would need my skills so that most importantly I have a job. Do you have the funds to withstand a 6 month or longer job loss? If not, I might be more active in my job search. For me, my first priority is making sure I can continue to care for my family. After that, I have to hope I can come back to my chosen field some day.

    2. When you say F&A, do you mean soft money? If yours is a soft money position, then yes, start shopping around. That said, if your uni is in a blue state, or at least one not held hostage by MAGA, look within the university for a position funded with recurring funds, particularly one that’s student facing if possible. Those tend to be better insulated from cuts.

       1. f&a means facilities and administrative cost, which come out of the overhead that is assessed on soft money funding. The NIH just announced that they will drastically lower the percentage of overhead that they will accept in grant budgets. Ultimately that will decrease the amount of work that can be performed.

          1. Ah, thanks. My uni uses different terminology and F&A is the umbrella finance and admin, both appropriated/recurring and contract/grant.

    3. A few thoughts:

       1. I wouldn’t yet assume the cuts are going to happen. There’s definitely a contingent that wants to cut both overhead rates and science funding more generally but it’s unclear if that’s legal or will be supported by Congress. There has been push back from some Republicans on this, who have traditionally strongly supported science funding. I don’t think that the research funding situation is going to be great for the next few years, but I wouldn’t yet assume that it will be so terrible that there will be massive layoffs, though I agree this is possible.

       2. Even if there are large cuts, the likelihood of losing your job depends a lot on your job and your university’s funding situation, which you know more about that I do. Things to consider would be whether your job function is legally required (you can’t fire all of people who deal with waste disposal or animal safety or other compliance functions, though you may need fewer of them if there’s less research funded), whether your job could be potentially billed as a direct cost to grants, and how many people do your job on campus (if there are lots of you, you’re probably more expendable). And for your university’s funding, how’s their budget in general right now? Do they have a big endowment? Do they get a lot of NIH money vs other research funding? Right now the potential overhead cuts are limited to NIH, though I wouldn’t assume it will stay that way. DOD funding seems like it might be less likely to be cut, though, so a university with a lot of DOD funding and less NIH funding might be relatively better off than one with primarily NIH funding. Also, how have they handled budget cuts in the past? My public university hasn’t been very prone to layoffs, even during the financial crisis when budgets were very bad, though they did do furloughs, hiring freezes, and early retirement offers (if you’ve been there 20 years, you might even be eligible for something like this, depending on your age).

       It’s obviously worth looking around to see if you can find something promising, but how inclined I’d be to take a step down job before actually being laid off would depend a lot on how likely you think it is you’d actually lose your job and how much you want to move out of higher ed. I probably wouldn’t take an obviously worse job unless I was pretty sure I was going to get laid off or the new job at least had a promising trajectory. I do have a decent emergency fund, though.

20. Big warehouse sale at Halsbrook! Almost makes stuff affordable.

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