Coffee Break: Good Genes Holiday Kit

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1. Does anybody have experience with ThirdLove? Worth it/not worth it?

   1. IME, they look and feel nice but provide less support than I prefer after having birthed and nursed two kids.

   2. I’ve bought tons of stuff from them and have been very, very happy with it.

   3. I’m sort of 50/50 on them – the half cup thing was great for me – but it didn’t solve my biggest issue which is straps slipping off my shoulders. I never bothered to return what I bought, but I don’t think I’d order from them again.

   4. I usually wear Aerie t-shirt bras and bought a Third Love t-shirt bra. They slotted me in a half cup size. The bra is very, very comfortable but I actually have more trouble with the shoulder straps slipping off my shoulders than I do with my other bras (which is funny because that’s specifically a problem they advertise as having fixed) and my boobs don’t look nearly as good in it as in the Aerie bras, especially in scoop neck tops. It’s as visible under t-shirts as my Aerie bras (so I do get lines sometimes). I reach for it a lot but don’t plan on buying another, especially given the price.

   5. I’m meh. I got their t-shirt bra. I wear a 36A so it can be hard to even find bras in my size (a 34B doesn’t fit). I tried them because of my weird size but haven’t bought a second bra from Third Love. The quality isn’t as good as my normal Calvin Klein bras but they cost the same (actually more, because I get the CK bras on sale).

2. I am in the process of getting my IUD replaced. This process seems more complicated than I remember it being than when I did this originally. Part of me wants to find some sort of alternative or to just not be on anything at all until I TTC. I also should add that my insertion last time was so bad that I had to stay at the doctor’s office for a few hours before driving home. This time they are going to give me something to help, but I think I basically have to have my husband drive me to and from the doctor’s office.

   Currently, we are planning on TTC in about a year. This could obviously change. I think it’s more likely to be a longer time, which is kind of why I wanted to go forward with the replacement, but I could also see us trying in slightly less time. What would your thoughts be if you needed to pick some type of BC for only about a year? (The pill is out. It gives me migraines.)

   1. I’d just not do anything on my end and have him wear protection. That’s what I did when I was engaged. I was in my mid-30s and didn’t feel like I had time to reset after going off the pill (which they said could take a year).

      PLUS, after being on the pill for so long, I realized I liked being off it so much.

   2. I’d still do the IUD for a year, myself. I just really like mine. I’ve never tried the arm implant though so I can’t compare.

   3. DH and I just used condoms for a couple of years before TTC. I may be in the minority, but I was really happy with that method of birth control. I didn’t feel like it ruined the mood at all, and I felt a lot better not being on hormonal birth control. We’re using condoms again until we’re ready to conceive our second child (although we’re not all that active at the moment because…baby) and then he’ll get snipped. IUDs really scare me, and I made it to 7 cm before getting my epidural so I don’t think I’m a huge pain wuss.

      1. I agree. But the key would be to get your partner to actually use a Condom. In my case, my ex was not able to use a condom b/c he had difficulty maintaining whatever er*ection he was able to muster up once he put on the condom. As a result, he often was completely unable to perform, and blamed it on the condom when I know that most of the time his alchohol helped to cause the problem. The only sliver lining was that b/c of his alchoholicly induced inadequacies, I did not have to have him slobbering all over me downstairs b/c he just could not get it going at all. I did resent his demands for alternate satisfaction, as it provided me with nada. FOOEY on that. I think that the OP has a good situation and should make her DH put on the comdon so that she can relax. YAY for HER!

   4. When you say you want to TTC in a year, does that mean “We’re definitely having kids, and a year from now would be the most convenient time, but if I got pregnant 4 months from today, it wouldn’t be the end of the world”? Because if that’s the case, you might try natural family planning / charting as described in Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Obviously the downside is that you have a higher chance of getting pregnant than with the pill or IUD, but it’s reasonably effective if you’re on top of it and have a regular cycle. And fun to not be on meds or mess with condoms, etc. You can choose to either avoid s*x during your fertile days, or to use condoms, contraceptive gel, or some similar method.

      1. On the same topic of considering your risk tolerance, you may want to consider withdrawal. It’s obviously a terrible method for randy teens, but for adults who are pretty familiar with how things work, it’s pretty effective. I wouldn’t rely on it if an oops was the end of the world, but I personally found it a lot more pleasant when I was in a similar situation then using a barrier.

         On that note, though, I’ll shout out my old favorite barrier, VCF (film). It’s not perfect for everyday use, as it’s kind of pricey and has to be inserted 15 minutes before things happen, but once it’s there, you’d never know it.

         1. Vcf + condom for the win.

            I selfishly love this bc both parties are hands on / committed to success.

   5. I am on my second IUD and have loved them. I didn’t find the second insertion to be any more involved or worse than the first. (It also was not easier than the first – still pretty painful if you ask me.) That said, I would probably not get an IUD for just one year. Your biggest chances of infection or anything from the IUD come from insertion so I don’t think I would go through the pain and the risk for only a one-year period. You could try the shot.

   6. have you looked at the shot? I usually wouldn’t do it since it only lasts for three months, but in your situation, that looks ideal.

   7. I used the sponge in this exact circumstance several years ago: it’s not as reliable but, if getting pregnant isn’t a big deal in your circumstances, it’s really great.

   8. I’d talk to your OB. I just had my first kid and we had a really good discussion about the possibility and timing of a second kid and she made a birth control recommendation based on that (and other medical factors). I had no idea how many options were out there.

   9. Nothing or the arm implant. I have heard so many wonderful things about the arm implant. (And I also had a traumatic experience with IUD insertion.)

   10. I’d go with either the pill or put the birth control burden on your partner for the next year.

   11. condoms.

   12. The ring. Honestly. I’ve tried everything, pill, shot, IUD. The ring is the only birth control that didn’t make me moody or cause cramps and/or weight gain. You only have to think about it once a month and it’s easy to stop using when you are ready to TTC.

   13. Natural family planning plus condoms. If you know you want to TTC in the next year or so, it doesn’t make sense to get another IUD.

   14. I was in your position (also migraines from hormonal BC; also wanted to TTC in a year) and didn’t replace the IUD. Ended up getting pregnant within 2 months (I guess we used condoms incorrectly? I don’t know) and having an abortion, which was so much more painful than any IUD insertion. 100% I would get the IUD and just take it out after a year. FWIW I’ve had three IUDs placed over lifetime and only the first one hurt a lot.

   15. Is it a hormonal IUD? Have you checked whether yours is one of the models that is considered to last for five years in the US but is rated for seven years in various European countries?

   16. a different perspective: we tried to conceive from the day we were married. It’s now 6+ years later, over 100k in fertility treatments. not everyone is going to get pregnant right away (we, and our doctors, were surprised).

       hth, best to you and congrats on getting married : )

3. I’m 5-4.

   I’m wearing Sloans that are snug in the hips and the waist is too loose and comes up too high. Should I retry a petite (to deal with the rise)? Or go up a size for the hips? Or just try something that is cut differently (maybe I am more of a pear? but I mentally thing I have a protruding stomach not a big butt)?

   This pair was clean and in the closet. I like the idea of them, but now I’m realizing that I don’t reach for them b/c of the fit issue (and I feel like I’m supposed to Love the Sloans but really it is a B-/C+ experience for me).

   1. Snug in the hips/loose in the waist describes most pants on me unless they’re specifically a curvy cut. Whether or not you see yourself as a pear, try some on in a curvy cut. You can have wider hips but not a large butt and still have curvy pants fit really well.

      1. ^this. You need the logans.

   2. I would try a petite size or a curvier fit pant. I also have Sloan pants and wear them, but they’re a C+ pant for me as well. On me, the waist is 2” lower than I’d like it to be and they seem to accentuate my larger stomach as well. Not sure what the right answer is here, but I definitely understand the feeling!

   3. I have some curvy sloans from BR Factory (would guess regular BR has them as well!)… maybe look into those?

   4. I also think I’m more apple than pear. I have Sloans gathering dust and newer Ryans which I wore as soon as they came out of the wash all summer.
      At 5’4″, the Ryans which are supposed be ankle length are a regular length on me and need no hemming (I wear flats or low heels). Traditionally, petite pants are 1/2″ too short on me so they’re always a pass. YMMV

4. Has anyone ever had to rehome a pet due to allergies? I am the poster who wrote a couple months ago about being extremely allergic to my partner’s dog. We undertook hours upon hours of in-home training with a professional to reinforce positive behavior – for example, he now respects that he is not allowed upstairs or in the basement where there’s carpet. We have been extremely diligent about cleaning. I am on steroid inhalers. All of this, and no improvement at all in my symptoms. I cannot sleep at night and I am constantly uncomfortable. We are about to buy a new home and we are seriously considering rehoming the dog. I understand from my doctor that dog allergens will persist in a home for months to even a year after the pet has been removed and the home steam cleaned. I do not want to invest in my dream home to then be uncomfortable in it for years. When partner moved in, I had no idea I would react to her dog this way. I grew up with dogs but whether it be due to breed or another factor, my symptoms were more manageable then.

   For anyone who has rehomed – what advice do you have? How did you deal with the guilt and judgment from others? I am having a hard time forgiving myself for the fact that I have these allergies. But I think the impact to my health cannot go on and I do not want to “contaminate” a completely separate house.

   1. I had to rehome a dog for a different reason. I’ll be honest it was extremely difficult–one of the most difficult things I’ve done. I mourned the loss and struggled with feeling like a failure for a very long time. On the plus side, I worked with a rescue who understood the dog’s problem (she bit out of fear despite a lot of training) and I found out the dog was rehomed into a much better situation for everyone. In other words, expect it to be extremely difficult, but know that the dog will probably end up in a good home and be happy in the long run.

      How does your partner feel about this?

   2. I’m so sorry for you and you partner. I know people will judge, but you are responsible for providing your pet with the best life you can, and sometimes that isn’t with you. Re-homing it will give the dog a better life where all household members can more actively love it (vs. some of them staying a room wheezing with severely limiting allergies). As long as you are finding it the best home you can, ignore the judgment.

   3. You’re being way too hard on yourself! The dog needs to be rehomed because you physically cannot be in the same home as it. I feel like that should be very understandable to a reasonable person. Everyone deserves to be comfortable in their own home. You’ve gone above and beyond to try and make this work.

      My allergist has also told me that it takes about 9 months for allergens to dissipate in a home once the source is removed; this is a very valid concern.

   4. There was a thread about rehoming a cat this morning; you can check for people’s stories about the process?

      1. Oh my apologies, I did not have a chance to read the morning thread. I will certainly look there for insight.

         1. Please don’t apologize! You can’t possibly read every thread. Just happened to be today someone posted about that!

   5. Rehoming a dog only deserves guilt or judgment if you rehome it irresponsibly. If you rehome the dog with a breed specific rescue that has good parameters for adoption or with a family that you are confident will give it a healthy loving home, please do so guilt free. You are being a responsible pet owner and looking after your own health. In fact, I’m impressed you worked with the dog for this long, which will make it easier to rehome her now that she is better trained. You’ll miss the animal but if won’t be nearly so bad emotionally when you know she’s still happy and healthy elsewhere.

   6. The virtue in keeping a pet for the rest of its life is that the pet is safe and cared for for the rest of its life. People stigmatize irresponsible rehoming because “just get rid of it” situations can be high risk for poor outcomes (i.e., the animal ending up at the shelter and being euthanized). But if the dog will still be safe and happy for life, responsible rehoming is okay, and I don’t believe there should be any stigma at all. I’ve seen animals get happier after being rehomed to better-for-them situations (indoor cat to barn cat; cat of childless overworked millennial to cat of family with doting grade-school aged children and a dog; cat of family with pestering children to grandma, etc.).

   7. I’m kind of surprised you’d make this financial commitment if the situation were not resolved. I remember your post and I suspect she will resent you down the road. It sounds like she is going into this thinking your symptoms will improve or it will resolve itself somehow. Maybe disentangle from this. If I were her I’d break it off.

      1. Yeah, honestly, this is what I’m thinking, too.

         OP, don’t move in with her without a clear yes or no on whether the dog is coming with you. And clear signals from your partner that she’s going to put your health above the dog.

      2. +1

         Also, please don’t feel guilty for rehoming this dog! You have tried. You’re allergic. That’s not your fault that you’re incompatible with living with this dog. I have in the past and definitely would in the future judge someone who simply took an animal to the shelter because they didn’t want it anymore, but that’s not what you’re doing at all. You’re looking for someone else to love this creature and that’s OK to have to do sometimes.

5. Ugh, I’m so sorry. Has your partner gotten better about supporting you? Allergies are no joke and it’s definitely not your fault. You’ve put a lot of effort into trying to make this work and I think it is more than fair at this point to determine that the solution is rehoming the dog. Does your partner agree?

   1. Thank you for your kind words. Yes, she has gotten better about supporting me. The only existing tension is that she still wants to try more and more solutions before considering rehoming. She will agree that rehoming is the best solution for us but then back pedal. I understand that rehoming is the worst of all options, but I feel I’ve spent about as much time as I possibly can trying to address this. We have tried one kind of HEPA air filter and she wants to try more. She wants to try different vacuums. She wants me to get allergy shots (this is not likely to be a legitimate short-term solution). I totally understand where she is coming from, but I can’t take it anymore and we are moving mid December! I am really concerned about moving this problem (the allergies) to another home, knowing how hard it is to vacuum and filter the allergens away (almost impossible if you’re as sensitive as me).

      1. Yeah, none of those options are going to work for severe allergies. Filters and vacuums can only do so much, and you would never be able to vacuum *enough* to make an appreciable difference.

         I don’t know; it still seems like she’s dismissing you. You are trying (more than) hard enough.

         I’m sorry, I know this is controversial, but people > pets. While I also would not want to rehome an animal, sometimes it really is best for every creature concerned.

      2. I’m so sorry. It sounds like you have tried many solutions, but you really need to take care of your health. I agree it is best to re-home before you move. I don’t if this means anything coming from an internet stranger, but I don’t judge you at all and I hope you’re able to find another home for the dog. I’m a huge animal lover and I know it’s so difficult to make this decision. Please don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t feel guilty. It sounds like you’ve really tried to accommodate the situation. Hoping for the best for you and your partner and the dog.

      3. You are definitely making the right decision. Just know that your partner will likely need to mourn this loss, you know? It can be the right choice and still be hard.

      4. I get shots for seasonal allergy issues, and while they definitely improve my allergies they are not magic. It took many months to feel any improvement and even though I’ve been taking them consistently for years I sometimes still need a double dose of Allegra to get through a bad day. Plus it’s a non-trivial time commitment to get them every month.

         Sorry if you already knew all that, you might, but it sounds like your partner maybe doesn’t if she’s still suggesting it.

   2. I am firmly team people > pets and I am shocked that your partner expects you to take steroids for the medium term in order to accommodate a dog. If I were in your situation, I would be putting the brakes on the relationship because it sounds like your partner is putting the dog over your health. Would seriously reconsider moving in together at a minimum.

      1. Yes, OP, seriously consider putting the brakes on this move. I know it probably seems daunting, but the logistics to delay the move will be much easier than undoing it if you can’t get this issue resolved. It really doesn’t sound like your partner is committed to putting your health first.

      2. If either I or my partner became allergic to our cats, person with allergies would have to get a new place. We would not rehome. I think it’s okay to rehome, but it’s also okay to have a strong family relationship with a pet (and has been perfectly normal for thousands and thousands of years). This is a really hard situation.

      3. This x a million

      4. While shots are not a quick way to resolve the issue, I would visit an allergist / immunologist and discuss strategies before pushing your partner to rehome her family member.

         I had been dealing with my severe, lifelong cat allergy by not having a cat myself and avoiding visiting my friends with cats at home. I decided to get allergy shots due to environmental allergies, not cats, but my antigen formulation also contained cat dander antigen. To my surprise, while I still have minor reactions to pollen and dust, my cat dander allergies have gone away completely. As in, I could even adopt a cat at this point.

         Also: I had a discussion with my allergist about steroid inhalers, and the research suggests they are safe and effective, even for long-term use. I don’t use one anymore but they were a lifesaver before I got shots.

6. Does anyone have recommendations for a weekend vacation close to DC?

   1. My husband and I (nature and history lovers) love the Virginia coast. Fredericksburg, Yorktown and Williamsburg are all good spots to hit. (Plus, Williamsburg will be gearing up for Christmas soon, I figure.)

      If you love the water, look into the Northern Neck and Middle Peninsula – they’re only a 2 hour drive from DC but feel a world away. There are some really luxurious hotels if you’re into that (The Tides Inn comes to mind) or AirBnBs, fun little restaurants, and lots of boutiques and the people are so friendly. Oh, and it’s oyster season right now. The Urbanna Oyster Festival (.com) is this weekend and Irvington is hosting Taste by the Bay (.com) Nov 17. And there’s the Chesapeake Bay wine trail (.com) if that interests you, too.

   2. Do you want something in driving distance, or a short flight? We like Annapolis for a quick getaway, though it’s not the most exciting. We spent an afternoon in Richmond and are considering going back since there’s quite a bit to see and do there and we hardly scratched the surface. We also like Frederick, MD for an easy getaway – the downtown is charming.

   3. Philadelphia is a quick, easy 2-hour Amtrak ride away. The Barnes is a world-class art museum. There’s lots of history if that’s your thing. The city is compact and easily walkable. Check out the Magic Gardens (https://www.phillymagicgardens.org/) or the Mutter Museum: (http://muttermuseum.org/)

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