Weekend Open Thread
Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
Readers have always loved Amazon seller Grace Karin, and this textured cardigan lady jacket looks like another hit.
I like the texture and subtle pattern, as well as the fact that it comes in 18 colors.
I always like to look through buyer-submitted photos, too, of which there are quite a few from happy sweater owners.
The sweater is available in sizes S-XXL, and the price is under $35 – just right.
Some of our latest favorite lady jackets for work include sweater jackets from ba&sh and J.Crew. On the budget side of things, check out Mango, Tuckernuck (XXS-XXL), and CeCe. If you prefer a lined, more Chanel-style jacket for work, do take a look at IRO and L'Agence; Mango, J.Crew Factory, and Madewell often have them at budget-friendly prices.
Sales of note for 1/1/25 (HAPPY NEW YEAR!):
- Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale has started — up to 60% off! See our roundup here.
- AllSaints – Now up to 60% off (some of the best leather jackets!)
- Ann Taylor – Semi Annual Sale! Up to 40% off your purchase; extra 60% off 3+ styles
- Banana Republic Factory – The Winter Sale: 50% off everything + extra 60% off clearance
- Boden – Sale, up to 60% + extra 10% — readers love this blazer, these dresses, and their double-layer line of tees
- DeMellier – Sale now on, free shipping and returns — includes select options like Montreal, Vancouver, and Venice
- Eloquii – Semi-annual clearance, up to 85% off; extra 60% off clearance
- Everlane – Sale of the year, up to 70% off — reader favorites include their scoop tee, Dream Pant, ReNew Transit backpack, silk blouses and their oversized blazers!
- J.Crew – 25% off full-price styles; up to 50% off cashmere; 70% off 3+ sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 60% off winter faves; extra 25% off $100+
- L.K. Bennett – All sale half price or less
- M.M.LaFleur – 30% on almost everything with code
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off fall and winter styles
- Sephora – Extra 20% off sale items for Beauty Insider members
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
- Summersalt – BOGO sweaters, including this reader-favorite sweater blazer
- Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale – 40% off + 25% off, sale on sale!
- Universal Standard – 25 styles for $25, 1/1 only
What has been the biggest change you’ve made for organizing, decluttering, and keeping a tidy home? (Any favorite products to recommend?)
I’ve been following @jennyforyourthoughts on TikTok and her advice has been great – thinking about “desire paths” as they relate to your storage and use of your space. (Desire paths are convenient shortcuts around actual sidewalks or paths.) Combined with the “Decluttering at the Speed of LIght” advice to look at your home as a container that can only fit so much stuff, it’s been great.
I don’t think the biggest changes come from products. For me, it was a mental/emotional shift where I realized I don’t have to keep things just because somebody gave them to me. My dad in particular gives A LOT of stuff, and putting those things straight into the trash/recycling/donate pile without holding on to them and feeling guilty has been a huge game changer. Same mindset for other things too. I don’t feel guilty about getting rid of things.
I don’t feel guilty about the impact on the person who gave me the crap, I feel guilty for the planet. I now feel responsible for rehoming this thing I don’t want without causing damage to mother earth who is the life force for us all.
Let me tell you, if let go of at least some of that guilt, you will feel better and the impact to the planet will not have changed.
This made me laugh and I hate that it’s true.
There’s definitely a big difference between throwing something in a landfill and giving it away on buy-nothing.
I don’t kid myself that people I give things to on buy nothing might just in fact throw them away.
After experiments with consigning and buy nothing groups, we mostly just give everything to the local VA group. If they can use it or sell it, great, but if not that’s their problem for not having efficient systems in place to recycle stuff properly (or communicate to us what they will not take).
NOT buying anything to help me organize. Every time I think I need another decorative basket or bin, I tell myself that just means I have too much stuff and I need to purge. I have anxiety-buying tendencies i.e. buying the same sweater in multiple colors, buying a backup to my backup eye serum. When I start looking for storage solutions I know it’s time to get a grip.
+1
This is a really good one.
Yes, with exactly one exception: an exercise cart.
I work out a LOT, and have a lot of heavily-used gear: massage gun, foam roller, yoga mat, aqua jog belt, Achilles stretcher, kettlebells, hydration vest, lots of random loose stuff (running gloves, gloves for the rowing machine, Koala Clip for my phone, anti chafe).
Buying one of these bad boys got everything off the floor:
https://www.amazon.com/Rack%EF%BC%8CHome-Equipment-Organizer-Resistance-Accessories/dp/B0CCTPCXT5
Otherwise, buying stuff for my stuff is usually the wrong thing to do.
Counter-point: I’m a chronic underbuyer, and when I spent some time last year buying organizational equipment (e.g., bins in the foyer closet, labelled for scarves, hats, gloves, etc), it made our lives SO much better.
I agree with this. There’s a difference between buying bins for the purpose of cramming more stuff into your space, and buying organizers to make it easier to get out and put away your stuff. Having a rack to store my baking pans, cutting boards, pizza stone, etc. vertically instead of stacked means that I am more willing to get out and use some of those things.
The desire path thing was a huge unlock for me, which I’ve shared before.
I live in a smaller space and have minimal storage and two things I find helpful are:
1. Storing things by frequency of use (most used = most accessible; least used = least accessible) and reassessing how much I use things (e.g., as my toddler got older we moved his carrier to a closet instead of a hook on the door because we used it less).
2. Creating more storage opportunities. E.g., adding a console table behind the couch where I store dishes for entertaining, replacing a yard chair with a storage bench to house the outdoor toys and provide seating, adding over the door organizers in my closet so the stuff I need regularly is front and center instead of buried on a shelf I can’t access and then I use the shelves for less frequently accessed things.
+1
I’m a very tidy and organized person and for me it’s the most simple adage but it works: a place for everything and everything in its place.
I literally have no idea how people know where things should go. This is a gift, anon at 2:36. :)
You figure out where it goes by thinking about where and how you use it.
First of all, buying less. Or simply bringing less stuff in my house. One controversial example: but I’ve stopped accepting kids’ hand-me-down clothes from friends. Most of the time, I would get bags of stuff that was not in great condition, didn’t fit, or wasn’t my kid’s taste at all. Then it became MY problem to deal with. Now, I have no problem saying, “Oh, we are out of space for clothes!” Or, “I’d be happy to take some dresses, but we’re good on everyday stuff!”
DH has a harder time parting with anything that might be useful someday, which he learned from his parents. But also, he has had the burden of helping his elderly parents get rid of their mountains of stuff and doesn’t want to perpetuate that pattern, so he’s mostly reasonable about it.
Letting a bin, a drawer, whatever serve as a natural boundary for how much stuff I can keep and store. My workout drawer is full? OK, then, no more workout gear until I get rid of something else. It’s helped curbed that urge I sometimes have to buy multiples of a certain type of item.
Doing a little bit at a time so it never gets totally out of control.
But mostly? Acquire less stuff.
I agree with all of this, including the controversial statement on kids’ clothes.
Just my experience: by the time my son has outgrown clothing (and he’s tall, grows fast, so it’s not like he’s hanging out in any one size for a while), the stuff just isn’t in great shape.
Now, if a lower-income mom wants it for her kids, I’m more than happy to donate it.
Maybe a nice item, like a suit or a Halloween costume, is suitable for giving to a friend.
Otherwise? I’m not inflicting worn-out items on friends, and I don’t solicit from friends.
Aside from having an appropriate amount of stuff, choosing storage that works with how you live.
Like – in fall, I wear one of 3 different coats depending on the weather, and there is no way on God’s green earth I am going to keep running back and forth to the coat closet every morning as the wind changes, so we have enough hooks by the door to store a couple of options per person. Otherwise they would just be a messy overflowing heap and still not in the coat closet.
I’m a moderator (not abstainer). The irreversibility of throwing out a thing can be hard for me to accept (there’s also family baggage that I won’t get into). For me, it’s been useful to let go of perfection and chasing completeness in decluttering. I give myself permission to declutter in layers.
I just went through my bathroom cabinet and found only a few items to throw out. But I decided that’s ok, I can find all my remaining stuff, and some of the makeup may be kept more aspirationally rather than because it’s useful, but I can always come back and declutter another layer. Of course if we are rational, there are still some items that I should throw out but for whatever reason find it hard to do. By not beating myself up about this, I am avoiding feelings of guilt, which has really helped me to feel positive about decluttering and to keep going. When I come back a few months later, it’s easier to say “I knew this item wasn’t getting used when I last went through here, I gave it another six months but now I can admit it’s time to get rid of it”.
Another thing that helps me is to take a picture of something that only serves nostalgic purposes and that I’m on the fence about. With a photo for backup it’s so much easier to let go of old toys, concert stubs and stuff like that. Sometimes I come across the photos later and delete them then.
Take pictures of mementos you don’t really want to keep but that you might like to remember one day. This is also a good strategy for furniture passed down from Family.
You don’t understand the difference between a photo and the act of holding an object held by a loved one or that came from a high point in your life? These things are not remotely equivalent.
She specified that this is for things you don’t really want to keep. Taking a photo can relieve the guilt of getting rid of stuff you don’t want.
My in-laws’ strategy for avoiding guilt was to dump all of their old furniture on their kids. We ended up with two rooms full of hulking useless furniture that prevented us from actually using those rooms in the way we needed to. It took a couple years of dual WFH for my husband finally to agree to let the furniture go so we could both have home offices and I wouldn’t have to work in our bedroom. He didn’t want the furniture but felt too guilty to get rid of it.
Did you see the post about taking things with you in an emergency? That photo can go in the cloud and you’ll still have it after the wildfire / flood / mudslide / tornado inside a hurricane destroys the object and everything else you own
Reading comprehension fail.
I am a big believer in bins for different categories. For example, I have a bin for winter sweaters (mostly to prevent moth damage). At the end of the season, everything gets cleaned/washed and put in the bin. That way it does not clutter up my closets the rest of the year and lasts much longer. I have another bin for miscellaneous winter clothes and a third for swim/vacation clothes that I do not use often. That way I do not need to buy a new rash guard or swim shoes every time I to on a tropical vacation or new silk long underwear every time I visit snow.
I also have bins for different seasons of decorations, although I purge when I get more than will fit in the designated number of bins. I have an over-the-door shoe storage hanger I use for small electronics and cords. I have a drawer for regularly used tools and a box for the ones I only need a few times a year. They always get put away after use. Generally, I try to group things by their category or use so I can corral my stuff, find what I need (and therefore do not end up buying another one because I forgot what I had), and do not need to buy a new one of whatever necessary thing I got rid of two years ago.
Any junk mail or anything I can get online either gets put in recycling or “to be shredded” as soon as it comes in the door. Everything else gets put in a folder with the year and every January I shred the one from five years before. That folder gets slimmer every year because I try to get everything electronically. Documents I am keeping for sentimental reasons go into a “keepsake” box and I allow myself one per decade.
And I am ruthless about getting rid of clothes I will realistically never use again. Too big/too small/out of fashion/I loved it when I bought it and now don’t/three-inch heels = find a new home if wearable or cleaning rags if not.
Also -my (now adult) kid is inheriting my paid-for house. She can clean it out when the time comes. I am not getting rid of things I like to spare her the task that I helped do for my grandparents and will someday do for my parents. Fortunately we talked about this and she is in full agreement. But I also dislike clutter so I do not keep things just to keep them or because I feel guilty about getting rid of them.
Make things easy to get out and put away, and keep them as close as possible to where they are used. For example, shoes live in the coat closet right next to the entry door.
This is a great rule, but I live in a small apartment without any place to store shoes near or inside the coat closet. So I decided I could keep no more than two pairs of shoes next to the front door. One advantage of living in a small home is that it’s not many steps from the front door to my bedroom, where I keep shoes an over-the-back-of-the-door bag with pockets. (There may or may not be multiple pairs of shoes temporarily stored in the bedroom entry area.)
I regularly hang up my coat in the coat closet when I come home, unless it’s wet and needs to hang elsewhere until dry, or I’m too exhausted to do anything except replace my keys in their usual storage basket. (When I have the energy, I hang my empty tote bags on hooks inside the coat closet. If it’s a difficult day or week, I accumulate a mound of half-empty tote bags near the front door. This is not ideal but, thankfully, I do not live my life in public view!)
Oops. Forgot to add my usual name for this site.
I have a “touch it once” rule. Junk mail gets recycled before it even enters the house. Bills and important mail go straight into the “action” spot under my laptop stand to be paid/dealt with during my next admin session. When I cook, used dishes go straight into the dishwasher; I don’t set them in the sink and then load the dishwasher later. Makeup goes straight back into the drawer after use; it doesn’t get set down on the counter. When I take off a sweatshirt it goes straight into the laundry or gets folded and put in the “half-dirty” spot; it does not get flung on the armchair. Etc. etc. etc.
I was just reflecting on the “touch it once rule” and why I can’t seem to do that/is it actually useful to me. I have four kids, so we’ve got a lot of stuff coming and going and I often have a baby in my arms. Yesterday I grabbed some things and brought them to the kids bathroom and plopped them on the counter. I was holding my baby, doing a drive-by of dropping things into different rooms.
It was going to be too difficult for me to bend down and maneuver the things into their cabinets at that time, and if I abided by a touch-once rule, I would have left them where they were in the kitchen. Instead, I got them upstairs and was able to put them the rest of the way away while supervising the bedtime routine.
All that to say — adapt rules to fit. For some stages of life, being okay with getting things “close enough” still makes a big difference.
For food storage, I swear by deli containers in place of any other kind of containers. The best part? Every size container uses the exact same lid. Heaven! Plus they’re cheap enough that if I want to send somebody home with leftovers I can just say “keep the container” and it’s no big deal.
For me the trick to a clutter-free house was dropping my child off at college.
Ha!
OMG. My son has his masters and a job in another city and I still have some of his crap. Help! lol.
We have a ton of our college kid’s crap, but while she is at school it’s confined to her bedroom and bathroom. When she comes home it is strewn everywhere. What is hilarious is that she complains about how untidy her roommate is.
Sadly, I am a chaos monster. No amount of purging, decluttering, organizing, etc. will ever change that. I’m working on just making peace with it at this point.
Did you see the article in last Sunday’s NYT business section on this topic? We are out there, happy in our messy houses.
Ooh, I should read this! I love being a chaos monster. I don’t like going full chaos, but I do enjoy a little bit of mess. My neat freak husband cleans out my car every once in a while as an act of love and I hate it. I want my mess!
One big change that may seem minor was to buy several black mesh magazine files to use to file away papers that I might need to reference. So one is for medical stuff (PT orders, mammogram results, explanations of benefits), another for home stuff (taxes, appliances, repairs, insurance), another for car stuff (title, personal property tax notices, insurance), and another for tax stuff (1099’s, w-2s, etc.), and so forth. File folders don’t work, because I am an “everything out” person, but piles of paper were no longer working either, so these end up acting as horizontal piles of paper. Oh yes, several mesh magazine files hold all the recipes I’ve cut out of the newspaper and plan to try someday — better than piles of clippings on the kitchen counter, but with the benefit of breing able to see what is in each magazine file at a glance. I hope this helps!
What are some signs that a dating relationship is toxic a few weeks in and you should cut your losses?
That you have to ask this question.
This
Yes – your gut, which is why you’re asking but shouldn’t have to.
lol how dare u
This.
Someone being too kind is usually love bombing.
Aside from Jules’ great response, I have some thoughts.
My ex husband is great at playing dumb to get his way. I didn’t see it at first; once I did, I couldn’t un-see it. For the longest time, I thought I wasn’t communicating well enough or that this was a skill we could work on.
You know that phrase, “I can explain it to you; I can’t understand it for you”? If you feel the need to say that more than once or twice within the first couple months of dating, call it quits.
A second subtle one: being around him feels normal AND you come from a highly dysfunctional family.
HAHA!! That second one is highly on-point.
RIGHT?
Any controlling behavior whatsoever. Your partner shouldn’t be controlling at all, but it’s an especially red flag if they are trying to be that way after a couple of weeks.
Someone who plays the blame game.
You can’t communicate any dissatisfaction with his actions without him turning it into being your fault.
I like the responses so far, but am curious what you’re experiencing!! Tell us!
Mentioning other women who he thinks are interested in him or who he thinks are attractive
Oh my god dump this guy
That’s very disrespectful. You could tell him once and see if he changes his behavior, or if this is just once of many examples, cut your losses
Now.
OMG lol. No. Leave him now. It doesn’t get better.
He’s trying to make you feel insecure.
The one exception is if he’s doing it in the context of putting up boundaries with these women. Think, you ask why he isn’t going to Sarah’s from the biking club’s party, and he says that he thinks Sarah invited him because she’s interested in him.
My ex did this (allegedly) bc he was insecure and thought mentioning the beautiful women who were interested in him or who he thought were attractive would show me he was desirable/had good taste. It was weird and off putting.
Oh no. Sorry. Next!
Nope!!! Get him gone
Unreliable in any way. Doesn’t call when he says he will, stands you up or is always late, lots of excuses and rescheduling—he’s trying to train you to accept that you’re not a priority.
Any signs of manipulation. For example, tries to rush intimacy by making you feel sorry for him. (He sort of fakes being vulnerable for attention. Or claims you’re the only one who “understands” him.) Telling you how no one appreciates him at work seems to be a favorite of many men. Personally, I had a guy cry in front of me while talking about some drama with his sister & felt affectionate towards him—but later realized it was all crocodile tears & he’d probably told this story a million times in attempts to get laid.
Ooooh the rushing intimacy by evincing vulnerability is a really good one. That resonates.
If you’re only a few weeks in, anything less than a “hell yes” is a sign it should be a no.
I really don’t agree with this. I think sometimes you can find someone who is good for you but not your typical partner (the kind that hasn’t worked out so far!) and it can take a while for the relationship to blossom under those circumstances. That does not mean, of course, staying despite “red flags” or being made to feel unsteady of uncomfortable (as OP is suggesting in follow ups).
His is how you throw good money after bad. A few weeks is plenty of time to know if it’s worth pursuing.
Or it’s a great way to repeat your toxic self-defeating patterns. But you do you.
Girl, run. You know the answer.
But what’s actually going on? Just because what is happening doesn’t appear in this response list doesn’t make it right.
– Boundary pushing of any kind, no matter how seemingly insignificant. Including of the aw shucks c’mon variety.
– Relatedly, can’t take no for an answer and/or can’t be contradicted. Like, he suggests a restaurant you know you don’t like and you politely suggest a different one nearby instead and he demands to know why his pick wasn’t good enough. Or, you say Sundays aren’t good for you and he continues to ask you out on Sundays and only Sundays.
– he is incapable of handling basic adult things like planning a date or cooking a simple meal or ironing his shirt before a date.
– he is overly enmeshed with a friendgroup or to a lesser extent family, especially if the enmeshment revolves around alcohol or drugs, and especially if he’s over 30 and his friends are drinking every night even though they’re married and have children
There are lots more but these are things that I think are often overlooked or my friends pressured me to ignore because “he’s such a good guy!” And maybe they’re right and he’s a great guy, but being a good friend and being a good partner are very different things. Men aren’t owed your time just because they are nice to you.
This is probably controversial but I’d say don’t marry (or stay in a relationship with) anyone you wouldn’t want to be divorced from. How does your partner speak of people with whom they have difficult or complicated relationships? People bent on revenge or stewing in hatred are toxic and will likely turn on you eventually, even if they’re sweet as pie at first.
100% agree.
Amen.
– talking terribly about their ex
– jumping right into a new relationship from their last one
– telling you he’s never met anyone like you/you’re the only one who understands him, etc.
– saying he loves you in three to four weeks
– being someone who the world is always mad at (everything happens TO him, not because of any choices he is making)
– trauma dumping/emotional dumping
– disrespecting clearly stated boundaries
– asking if you’ve slept with anyone he knows because he doesn’t want to feel like the idiot in the room bc everyone else will know but him (eye roll)
– asks about a man you are texting bc he saw it on your phone one day while it was sitting on the table
– being upset you’re spending time with other people without consulting him
I unfortunately have a terrible picker so have a lit of experience here (I have stopped dating).
I’m lol’ing at no I love yous in 3-4 weeks, I got married to my husband a month after we met so I’d say that one is variable. Still going strong 15 years later.
That’s totally fair! For me it was the ILY with all these other things. This was one person.
I mean this was a Seinfeld episode (where Elaine breaks up with a guy because she learns he’s a bad a breaker upper). I don’t think it’s controversial, it’s logical.
I generally Agee that if you’re thinking “is this toxic?” then the answer is most likely yes.
That shouldn’t be remotely controversial.
Feeling uncertain/nervous/insecure. With my husband I had excited butterflies but felt secure in a way I hadn’t before in toxic relationships. He liked me, he cared for me and his actions showed it.
In Jo-Lynne Shane yesterday, she mentioned a candle warmer, which I had no idea was a thing. Have you tried these? Worthwhile purchase?
If you like scents but don’t want to burn candles, it may be worth it. There are different kinds now. I have a wax melter (slightly different) that is effectively a lamp with a plate on top. I also have one of those candle/beverage warmers that is essentially a small hot plate. It is good for scents but no warm glowy light. The newer style lamp candle warmers are pretty. They give you more of the ambiance of burning a candle without the burning. I don’t have one of these, but they seem nice.
They are no value to me because I like burning candles and don’t want more stuff, but as the poster above says…if you want a candle burning, but don’t want to burn a candle, this might be a good product for you.
I have a wax melter, and it’s fine, but no better than a real candle. I love burning candles though.
I have a pretty lampshade style one from Amazon and I love it. I have it for my home office as I love scented candles but can’t leave a candle burning because cats have (and will) set themselves alight trying to play with the flame.
In the vein of the above, I’ve been given them, tried them, hate them, candles are for burning, and gotten rid of them.
I’ve never used one, but it sounds like other variation of “get more stuff for your stuff.”
I think these are for people who like scented candles but are afraid they will accidentally leave a burning candle unattended. There is still a risk because the lamps necessarily do get hot and the wax does melt to a liquid, but it’s less than the risk of an open flame.
My teen wanted one for her dorm room but she can’t have one because the school forbids halogen lamps.
This is me. I have a history of forgetting to extinguish candles and feel better with the candle warmer. Bonus: candles last a lot longer.
I have one, love it and am generally against useless or single use products. I am not worried about burning my house down with a regular candle, but I find I use my scented candles more with it than I ever did otherwise because it’s easy to just turn it on when I get home whereas I rarely came home and just started lighting candles. It doesn’t take up much space, it gives off a very pretty light (amine has a pretty glass shade) and it makes my house smell nice even when my dog has been outside in the rain. It’s effectively a small scented lamp. I can’t tell if my candles last longer or not because I use them so much more than I ever did before, but one thing I didn’t anticipate or think about is that the smell of a candle will evaporate while the wax will remain so I now have some barely scented but nearly full candles left over that I don’t really know what to do with. I guess recycling or buy nothing is an option, but if you have trouble with that sort of thing, it’s a downside. Maybe you can just add scented oil to it to make it smell nice again.
What winter hobbies do you love? Looking for something new since it’s a few months before I can grow flowers in my garden.
Downhill skiing. Drinking lattes. Reading. Uitwaaien (walking in the wind) with the dog.
I’ve been walking to work with the ice and snow (because I hate driving in ice and snow) and I haven’t hated it.
Reading books. Cooking and baking more intensive dishes. Going to indoor sporting events like college basketball or hockey games.
Long walks where I don’t get too hot.
winter garden prep (cold-weather planting and pruning, considering forcing bulbs)
cross-country skiing
crossword puzzles
playing board games
doing those low-priority house projects that are easy to ignore when a beach day is calling (touching up paint scuffs, organizing tools, etc)
Knitting. Planning my garden.
Sewing (garments and quilting), block printing, cross stitch, reading
Soup. Trying making a different soup every two weeks.
Winter sowing! You can do natives, perennials, and spring flowers now.
Needlepoint, cooking, baking
I actually like running outside all winter because I don’t get too hot, and I live by an urban park with pretty good snow removal on the roads where I routinely run. I think I prefer it to running mid-summer, although I can’t say it is better than fall. Other than that, going to arts events comes to mind. If I lived somewhere more rural and snowy I would enjoy cross country skiing I think.
Ice climbing! I know it’s not for everyone, lol. But I’m obsessed with it, and it makes me look forward to winter every year. Note that I often kind of hate while I’m doing it (long tough hikes in deep snow, blowing spindrift, chunks of ice hitting my face, freezing toes, screaming barfies (look it up if you haven’t heard the concept), moments of intense fear and feeling out of my depth). And then when I get off the ice I can’t wait to go back! (Guess that’s the definition of Type 2 fun.)
You had me until “screaming barfies.” That was pregnancy and I won’t do it again.
Oh it’s when your hands get so cold they start to really really hurt. I think maybe all blood has left them or something. No actual barfing involved! (Although I did climb while early pregnant, and would in fact barf into snow banks.)
Where do you live? I’ve only been ice climbing once on vacation and would love to have such great recreation close to me.
Those are the best moments, though. Do you ever feel more alive than when you’re freezing, intensely focused, taking a risk, and out in nature? I don’t. Some of my best outdoor days have been so intense and dangerous, followed by the best shower/sleep in years.
Chics with Pics!
I also run outside in the winter. Winter > summer running for me. Mountain biking and fat biking if you have snow. Indoor climbing although I do that year round, but I ain’t climbing outside in January. Lol.
I’m taking an indoor surfing lesson next week!
Downhill skiing, cross country skiing, planning vacations (to somewhere for downhill skiing or somewhere warm), planing my sling garden, tending to my indoor plants/indoor for the winter plants, reading, attending my childrens’ winter sporting events (may as well call it a hobby since I do it so often!).
Downhill skiing. I skied pregnant (come at me), that’s how much I love it. I also love winter hikes and would love to try fat biking.
Snow shoeing. I like to hike in the summer and snow shoeing is it’s awesome winter equivalent.
Start an indoor “garden”/plants. Start ordering your summer seeds.
Has anyone put a built in bookshelf in a room with wainscoting and crown molding? do you just take it off the wall where the bookcase is? all the walls? trying to imagine it – if anyone has any pictures I’d love it.
Do not remove millwork and trim. Push the bookcase as far back as you can, and ensure that it isn’t tall enough to hit the crown molding. Anchor the bookcase to the wall.
Depends on if you’re talking about historic trim or newer trim. If the latter, I’d take it off the wall and store it somewhere if possible to be replaced if necessary (or not if you’re talking it all down). If the former, I think I’d skip the built ins unless you go custom with someone who knows how to handle built ins with existing trim.
That’s what I do. My bookshelves are not “built in” but are custom sized to my room and they stand out from the wall a bit for this reason. I have a historic home and would not take down any of the original trim. I really regret one place where the prior owners did that.
My builder grade house was built in the 70s and the trim is nothing special, so yes, if I want it to look built-in the trim needs to come off. The casing needs to be anchored to the studs in the wall and the crown and baseboard need to be applied around the shelf. Otherwise it’s just a shelf pushed against the wall.
Can’t answer this without knowing the build date if your house. Do not touch historic trim ever. Modern suburb? Take it off. Also if you hav a historic home don’t put in crappy Ikea ‘built ins’ hire a carpenter and do nice solid wood. Again modern suburb have at ‘er with the MDF.
Yes. I asked the builder to protect the original baseboards so it’s replica trim around the bookcase. The bookcase comes out from the wall so the top and bottom part is usually just trim across the shelves anyway.
I think I need to divorce my husband. He treated me like garbage for the first 10 years of our marriage. We are finally consistently going to couples counseling and he is a changed person now – a complete 180. He is considerate and does most of the childcare (we have a 4-year old) and is trying really hard, and I have been trying really hard to forgive him, but I can’t. The reason I stayed in a toxic marriage for so long is because my parents had a toxic marriage and my dad was just like my husband (my dad has since passed). I am unhappy and don’t like DH and I don’t want my son to think this is what marriage is. My concern about divorcing now is that my husband and son are butting heads at the moment – DS is strong-willed and DH doesn’t have much patience and his discipline methods don’t work, and I have to step in. If custody were 50-50 DS would be miserable on days with him.
I am so sorry. This sounds very difficult. My few thoughts:
1. Are you in therapy for yourself? You might be able to work this inability to forgive your husband with a therapist — whether that’s just a sticking point or something you can work toward. But ask yourself if you even want to forgive your husband. I say that with absolutely no judgment whatsoever; just really check in with yourself about what it is you want.
2. Your husband and son will have to work out their relationship regardless. It may be that in new circumstances your husband would change. It’s also true that you wouldn’t be able to step in, so you’d have to let go of curating their relationship. I’m not a lawyer, but you might ask for a different custody arrangement, too.
To me it sounds like you should spend some serious time in therapy before you divorce because it sounds like you’re looking for excuses to not do it and are perhaps not quite ready.
On the parenting part — I divorced when my kid was 2 and the behavior and dynamic was incredibly different when single parenting than when two adults were at home. So I wouldn’t assume things would be exactly the same as they are now.
I think part of making peace with the divorce is making the decision that it’s best for you and your child, even if your child will most likely spend half their time alone with your ex.
I wouldn’t know how to make a decision that something is the case. It’s certainly not a given.
I don’t understand how it is ever better for a child to be alone with a man that is so awful you can’t live with him.
sometimes two people can be an unworkable couple with neither being a terrible parent
+1 many men are bad husbands without being bad fathers. And you can also be incompatible with someone without either of you being a bad husband or wife. I’ve seen this comment or some version of it several times here before and it baffles me every time. Of course you can want to leave a marriage without believing your child is unsafe with your soon-to-be-ex.
Abusive men are never good parents
He’s not abusive though? You can have a toxic marital dynamic without being abusive.
Because a fully functional household 50% of the time can be better than a dysfunctional household 100% of the time.
Also, while courts default to 50/50, nothing is stopping the OP and her husband for negotiating for a different split. This gets easier if she doesn’t ask for extra child support payments to account for the extra time with her child.
Wait, you stayed for ten years when he was bad and now that he is good you want to leave? You need therapy yourself.
Would you like someone who treated you badly for a decade? When there’s an identifiable problem to fix, I think it’s natural to try to fix it. When you’re in fixing mode you don’t think about how you feel, it’s all about fixing the problem. Now the problem is fixed and OP can finally turn her attention toward herself. She probably thought, but for this problem everything would be great. Now she’s realizing that’s not the case. She can’t fall back in love with someone who treated her so badly for so long, someone she had to drag to therapy, even if he’s willing to turn around his bad behavior. It takes a while to realize the love is gone and it’s not coming back.
This may just be the next problem to fix? I don’t know what “badly” means though. But sometimes the next step is to see our contribution to a bad dynamic and work on that.
Just stop, Anon.
I am confused and hoping OP can clarify. What is he doing now (other than getting frustrated with a 4-year old) that is making you unhappy? You say you do not want your son to think this is what marriage is – but also that your husband is helpful and considerate. Is this pent up anger from when things were bad? Do you think his reformed ways are temporary (and how long has it been)? Or are you unhappy and focused on him as the cause?
Boy, “I stayed when I was being treated badly because that was familiar to me, and now that I’m being treated well, I want to leave” sounds like fertile territory for you to explore in solo therapy before you make any choices.
Has anyone here who was close to their family (parents/siblings/cousins) married someone their family didn’t like, and successfully maintained a close relationship with their family after the marriage?
In my family the marriage to spouses the family didn’t like have always ended up in divorce. Not because the family drives them away, but because they were lousy people or bad matches.
My husband’s family didn’t like me, especially initially, and he is still close to his family. Not however all that physically close; it might have been hard to be living very nearby especially early on. Now that it’s been nearly twenty years hopefully it would be less stressful to see them more often! They do Zoom all the time and he visits them a lot (I only sometimes come with).
Yes. But the reason my family didn’t like him was that we’d gotten engaged before he’d met them, and that didn’t go over well. Basically my mom needed to get over her tantrum. It was very uncomfortable for several years, but we managed to get past it. 20 + years in and my husband and my mom aren’t friends, but they get along well enough, and she and I are close.
Yes, my in laws totally didn’t get me. I am not Catholic, their guilt trips don’t work on me, and we as a couple had zero interest in raising a big family. I was totally fine going to enough of his family events to keep him happy and to support him walking with his dad and lunching with them every week. But the key was keeping him happy, not my in laws. If you need parental approval for everything you do, don’t marry someone they don’t like. But if you have a spine and good judgment, go for it. Your spouse is (hopefully) with you longer than your parents.
Similar situation and it took me a decade to realize that MIL does not get sarcasm, whereas it is my preferred humor. Once that was sorted, things were at least more amusing.
OP: Too funny! Mine were totally shocked when I got some local business award — something local that was NBD at all — and I realized they had never asked me a single question about my career other than to guilt me about leaving Easter dinner early one year to catch a plane.
Not really. And much to my chagrin, it turns out they were right all along. I hate when that happens. Sadly, my relationsip with my parents never really recovered.
Depends on the reason they don’t like him. Did he do something to cause them to not like him, or is it the idea of him?
I am first generation born in US to immigrant parents, and my parents desperately wanted me to marry someone of the same nationality. I married an American and my parents were very opposed to my dating him. Once they realized that he was really serious about me and we got engaged years later, they opened up and got to know him and welcomed him into the family. They realized he’s actually a great guy and truly liked him. Fast forward 20 years and they love him like their own son and he considers them second parents. We see my parents and siblings at least 1-2 times per month and remain very close.
Sorry, I need to have a moment of weakness to an audience that gets it and then I’ll pick myself back up. I love my bff dearly but she doesn’t have a big job with the pressure of busy seasons and big deadlines.
Moment of weakness:
I’ve worked every day since 12.30 doing 10-13 hour days and have another week to go. This is a week of deadlines and final project sign offs so its all the fine i dotting and t crossing, last week we hit all our major milestones with a major time crunch and less than helpful IT support. I’m single and live alone. I have no dishwasher and have run out of clean spoons and my sink has dishes that haven’t been touched in a disgusting amount of time. I have a stack of recycling and trash that needs to go out since about the same amount of time.
My bathroom hasn’t been cleaned since who knows when. There is crap and take out bags near and far across my living room. The front entry is a dumping ground. I havent seen the top of my kitchen table since beginning of November. All I want to do is crawl into a bed of clean sheets and stay there for 24 hours. I’ve been having work dreams. I woke up this morning and already had a list of things to do for work in my head and a list of all the crap I let go at home.
I’ve gotten irrationally po’d at a male coworker I work closely with. He was on vacation the 1st week of the year with his family. He did not work last weekend. And now I get to spend this weekend and all week working with him on his deadlines (this is one prong of my normal role) while working on wrapping up the dealines for my own work. He gets to be nice and well rested with wifey at home with the kids. He gets to run my 30 minute meetings over by an hour and a half because he’s so damn slow, and ask me about why this that or the other thing is or isn’t done.
Other members of our department don’t have this level of work requirement during this busy time. They don’t have to work weekends or go without a breather after reaching major milestones in a time crunch.
I’m tired and it doesn’t feel fair right now. I’m down to the backup bag of crap coffee and I need to buy more dish soap.
Picking myself up:
drink the crap coffee and do the easiest work task.
wash one spoon and eat instant oatmeal.
work
take a shower in the middle of the afternoon and put real clothes on
make 1 trip to the dumpster for trash
strip the bed
do not throttle coworker through the monitor.
I have been there, working around the clock. How many days do you have left? Do you have a house cleaner? Can you go down to the lobby and keep working while they do their thing? I have had them just leave my office alone and do the rest. No need to shoot for perfection by precleaning.
This week, so 7 days left.
Unfortunately no cleaner and besides the bedroom, everything is open and we don’t have a common area for lingering around in the building. It’s about 650-700 sq feet. I don’t think I adequately described the level of avalanche that is my living room. It’s so bad that not precleaning is not an option.
I have an Apartment Disaster Clean Up Strategy that’s worked in the past for me – it’s just the last thing I want to do on the 1st day when I finally come up for air at work. I want to do absolutely nothing, but I know that I’d feel better if I did do something more than nothing.
I travelled for both thanksgiving and christmas, and started this busy period right away after getting home.
Girl, you need to get yourself together. I have worked high stress, long hour jobs (trial lawyer in big law) and have never hit a level of what you’re describing. You gotta start with yourself. Take today and clean up your space, that’s disgusting and probably hindering any efficient approach to work. Then figure out how to work more efficiently so you don’t land here again.
I’m happy you’re perfect. Girl.
Yeah, this was a bit concerning to read. There are 24 hours in a day. Does it effing suck to work 13? Of course. But you can manage to take the trash out and wash some spoons sometime in the other 11 at the very least. Something more is going on here.
And also, I write this from maternity leave and understand that sometimes things just don’t get done, but I’ve showered daily, changed sheets weekly, and otherwise kept our tiny apartment several steps above disaster. You CAN do this.
Are you working from home? If so, try a different work rhythm: 50 minutes of work-work, and then 10 minutes of doing something for your apartment. Set a timer for 50 min and do your work-work. When it goes off, get out of your chair, re-set the timer for 10 min. and start picking up trash, hanging clothes, etc. When the timer goes off, stop. Go back to your desk, reset the timer for 50 min. and go back to your work. When I’m doing this, I use the timer on my stove in the kitchen so I’m forced to get up out of my chair to turn it off.
I’m guessing that you’re going to roll out a bunch of reasons this would be impossible, so I’ll add:
• The human body / mind isn’t able to do brain work for 10-13 hours straight at without a drop-off in ability to focus, think, and decide. Your work will likely actually BENEFIT from you getting up and moving around for 10 minutes every hour, doing something different.
• You can get those sheets changed, trash picked up, and spoons washed in 10 minutes at a time.
• It sounds like you’ve gone into all-or-nothing mode. I understand that mode. But that mode is rarely as iron-clad necessary as I make it seem. It’s just that I get so depleted that I am unwilling to take a break (even for 5-10 minutes) to do something different. I “take a break” by scrolling a website or social media, and that’s not an actual change of activity.
• 5 or 10 minutes at a time will make a difference. I guarantee it. And your brain will thank you for taking a break from the computer.
Some thoughts:
Book rec – How to Keep House While Drowning. Audiobook is free on Spotify premium.
Get some paper plates and plastic cutlery. You can get compostable ones if that helps you feel better about it. When you know you’re going into a busy season, don’t even bother with the real stuff, just use disposable.
Hire someone to clean, even if it’s just bathroom, bedroom, and kitchen and they don’t touch your living room.
Order some nice coffee. Why drink the crap coffee if you don’t have to.
Why can your coworker have all this time off and you can’t? Is he senior? Why don’t others in your department have similar work loads? Is your role different? I understand that some jobs have insane busy periods, but if you are the only one experiencing this, that makes me question this imbalance.
No job is worth sacrificing your mental health. This does not sound sustainable without either making changes at work or making changes to your systems at home. Take care of yourself, you’ve got this!
If you’re at this level, you should be using disposable plates/cutlery and doing takeout (and expensing it).
Take the trash and recycling out now; it takes 10 minutes. Just go do it.
Your male coworker isn’t responsible for your unhappiness, so stop expending your energy there. If your meetings are running over, take control of them and have them end on time. Pretend you have a hard stop; that’s what the rest of us do.
Establish better boundaries so this doesn’t happen again. No matter how “big” your job is, unless you are in medicine or another job that directly affects human health and life, it isn’t more important than your health and well-being. (And I’d say folks in the health/life jobs need to protect their own health and well-being even more than those of us who produce reports, briefs, or other documents).
You got this. You are in control of this situation. You can make it better. I know it is hard, and I am writing this as the instructions I wish I’d had early in my big career when I was also letting it drive a truck over me, so if I am being direct, please hear it as “this is what I wish someone had said to me”.
I have a hunch that OP doesn’t have a job that allows for expensing take out and she’s working all these crazy hours because she’s not a parent and let’s her colleagues dump extra on her.
You’re the only person who can control what happens to you. OP needs to put on her big girl pants and take some control here. This is the most victim narrative I’ve read in a long time.
+1 and if your job doesn’t pay you enough for you to functionally live this way (eg Big Law or similar) you need to find a new job or draw better boundaries. It sounds like the male coworker has better boundaries.
Then she’s not working a job that is paying her enough to require these hours and should quit.
I have been the OP and this is a toxic workplace. I didn’t realize it at the time because I was in my 20s and told it’s normal. It’s not. This is why you have to have boundaries and learn the art of saying no without saying it. Easiest way to say no is to ask the manager if they want you to work on x or y because you don’t have the capacity to do both.
The OPs peers are not working as hard as she is and yet they probably get paid the same. Start telling the peer the meetings end on time. If he can’t figure it out he can email you his questions. You go to your manager with this during your annual appraisal.
Also, I was making less than minimum wage with the hours I worked. Check if you should be paid 1.5x your hourly rate for anything over 40 hours a week.
That’s not how it works. Mothers have to work more than non-parents, and more than all men, in order to prove their loyalty.
Also, OP, I see you doing some of this at the end of your post, and I’m proud of you for that. I know it’s hard when you’re in the thick of it. You’ve got this.
I’m sorry. I’ve been there.
Do the work. Sleep. Drink meal supplements / replacements (like fairlife or premier or whatever it is these days people like). Shower as few as you can get away with.
Don’t drive home if too tired. Sleep at work if need be, it’ll also eliminate transportation time.
Then when it’s all done, sleep for 2-3 days and eat all meals in bed.
:) you’ll get through it.
If my bff was drowning at work, I would want to help her survive it even if I didn’t have a “big job.”
Ask her to come over for two hours. Order takeout, attack the garbage and dishes together.
You’re having a rough time. Ask for help.
Hi OP, you’ve got some good advice in this thread already but I just want to offer some support because I’ve been where you are. Several years ago as one of two junior staff on a client team, I was billing 12-14 hours a day, 7 days a week with no end in sight. I said yes to everything and helped out my peer regularly. One of the things that kept me going was telling myself that we were all in this together, and the other junior was working just as much as me. Another coworker with whom I grabbed a quick coffee one day kindly pointed out to me that the other junior was very vocally in the midst of time-intensive training for a hobby sport, that was taking up at least half of each of their weekend days and significant time throughout the week. They were not working as much as me and had not been doing so throughout the busy period. I realized we weren’t entirely in this together, and that the other junior had effectively set up some boundaries around their schedule. I will confess I had a little ugly moment of “ugh, can’t believe them” before I flipped the script and decided to take more control over my schedule. Honestly, good for them! Protecting your schedule is a great skill to learn and it took me way too long. The only person who cared about me getting enough sleep, healthy-ish food, and seeing the sunlight every day was me. Work would take as much as I could give, so over time I stopped giving as much.
It took me a while as someone with overachieving tendencies, but the reality is in most jobs, and certainly in mine, it’s truly not a problem to take 15 minutes to walk the block to clear your head, or 20 minutes to straighten up your apartment and get some dishes done, or even 30 minutes to get a workout in or call a friend. I embraced efficiency at work and in my personal life and planned ahead during busy periods by ordering groceries, including meals I could assemble or heat up in 5 mins or less, set aside 10 minutes on Saturday mornings to pick outfits for the next week, giving me the weekend to do necessary laundry, etc. And at work, I stopped doing other peoples’ work for them, embraced delegation to other departments who could help on my projects, and stopped letting perfect be the enemy of good. Not every paragraph I wrote in a client report needed to be the best written paragraph of all time. Sometimes good enough was good enough. In your phone call example, I would set a 30 minute call time with your coworker, get through the info you need to share, answer Qs with any time left, and then end the meeting so he can do his work. His slowness should not hold you up.
Years, and an industry and career change later, I have great work/life balance while still killing it at work with a strong reputation for being a team player and collaborator across divisions. I have no doubt you can get there too. Just give yourself a little grace (it’s not weakness to share that you are overwhelmed!!), respect and care for yourself enough to develop and hold firm to reasonable boundaries, and let other people fend for themselves a little bit.
+2,000,000
All of this. And to underscore, your coworker isn’t the problem, your approach is.
Not the OP, but yes!! Listen to this, OP! Would also add, is your work Leadership rewarding (i.e. overtime pay, bonuses, accolades on performance reviews, etc.), or at least, recognizing you for these long hours? If not, please advocate for yourself as medium term plan after the needed near-term house cleaning / mental decompression. Your boss needs to recognize your hard work. Do not be a martyr for your company.
Definitely, speak about it at your next performance review, if not sooner. Wording suggestions for tooting your horn during your review (try to make sure things are in writing in your file): my strengths / skills include perseverance and dedication to clients, as evidenced by the X billed hours / X completed projects I delivered in the span of x weeks in January 2025. Goals for next year: continue delivering high-quality XYZ and retain client satisfaction. Help train / knowledge share with other Employees (okay this one may be a stretch, but you get the gist). How can the Company better support me: scheduling support, other resources,
I’d caution OP to understand the room here. She might be assuming all that is wanted or desired, and she’s probably being inefficient. If I had someone working like she’s describing, I wouldn’t be rewarding it.
This is such a kind and thoughtful comment. Co-sign every word of it.
What is the most diplomatic way to respond to a toxic family member who is bad with money who wants you to retract funds you sent directly to her teen kids as Xmas gifts and send all money to her in a check?
(I know, I know. Because it is a family member, I will send one response and not engage further. It’s a little sad because she says that the kids all want this but I know that either the kids are equally as bad as she is (because I know they almost immediately went out and spent the moneys on on-sale clothes or going out with friends or gas, etc.) or she is just straight-up lying).
If my brother asked me to do that, I would say, sorry, I don’t know how to do that and it’s already sent. Next time! I’d probably wait a while to respond too, because I’d be annoyed at him.
+1
Yeah some version of it can’t be undone, sorry, which is likely true.
Are you seriously judging the kids as poor money managers because they went out and spent the money you gave them? They are teenagers.
OP here. No, it’s more that (as teens, in a house where they may have some seriously unmet wants) I think they just may not be saving receipts and checking their balance and realizing how fast we can blow through money. I grew up with cash, so I knew if I had $ or not. So I had cash-based habits for when I got a bank account and debit cards. And later credit cards. If mom is a charge-aholic, she maybe has the habits they see in action. I don’t know. I haven’t actually seen these relatives since before COVID and they live two plane trips away from family that is already very spread out.
“I don’t know how to do that or if it is even possible, but since your kids are on board they can give the funds straight to you. That would be the fastest option anyhow.”
Except here, it looks like most of the $ is gone. Maybe the kids wanted to say what the parent wanted to hear?
The dysfunctional adult is trying to claw gifts out of her teens’ hands. That’s not really the OP’s problem to address. And even if the money had been gifted in some manner that made it possible to rescind, if the money is already spent then this request isn’t even possible to meet.
Just say that the gifts to the kids are gifts to them, and that you sent hers separately, and then don’t engage further.
“The money was sent to them for Christmas.”
Are short strap shoulder bags a current look?
I treated myself to a new handbag that comes with a long cross-body strap and a short strap. I was intending to wear as a cross-body but I don’t like the way the bag lays on my body that way. Are short strap bags a current look? Bag is rectangular, about 10″ wide by 7″ high and would sit under my armpit.
Yes, and I am so happy about it! I don’t like the way crossbody bags look on me and on most people. I am actively looking for the perfect quality soft leather black shoulder bag that will last for years.
Agree with this. That sounds great, like the old baguette styles?