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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Happy Monday! This dress reminds me of a Rorschach test in the very best way — you can see something a little bit different every time you look. I like the mix of colors — the white and blue makes it feel spring-y while the black keeps it sedate — and a sweater dress is a classic. The site notes that the dress runs large, so order down. The dress is $1195 and available in sizes 0-18 at Nordstrom, Neiman Marcus, and Saks; there's a matching jacket as well. Graphic Floral Jacquard Sweater Dress Two more affordable floral jacquard dresses are from J.Crew and Vince Camuto (both at Nordstrom); a plus-size option is at Loft. Mini-Deal Alert: I just saw that LK Bennett is closing all US stores so is having massive sales — and one of the top things we were going to recommend for Mother's Day is on a pretty great discount at Amazon, the Nixplay WiFi Frame. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – 11/5 only – 60% off sale
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- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Up to 30% off on new arrivals
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
How many friends did you invite on a bachelorette getaway? And how close? Recently attended one of eight where there was a clear divide between undergrad and grad school friends, which made it a little awkward. It also didn’t seem like the bride to be was that close with most of the people invited, more like a good acquitance, so the conversations were mostly just polite rather than intimate.
Anon
Mine was not a getaway; it was two days before the wedding. I invited the women who were in town for the nuptials, so it was some very close friends, my sisters-in-law, and the wives of the groomsmen (whom I barely know, but I didn’t want them hanging out alone at the hotel when their husbands were at the bachelor party).
I think everyone had a lot of fun, and it had the advantage of getting people to meet each other and get to know each other before the actual wedding.
Anonymous
That’s what I did. My friends are all over the U.S. and in Canada, and I don’t live in a major city, so traveling for the wedding was already going to involve layovers for just about everyone. I didn’t feel comfortable asking people to travel twice, especially when everyone’s summer was already full of wedding-related travel.
Anon
I intentionally wanted to avoid the divide between my undergrad and law school friends, so I just had my undergrad friend group (7 girls, 1 guy) at mine. I always meant to go back up to my law school city (where most of my closest law school friends were living) to do a mini celebration with them at some point before the wedding, but I never got around to it.
Anonymous
Were you not close with the bride?
Diana Barry
I didn’t even have a bachelor e t t e party let alone a getaway – my friends were all across the country and I didn’t think they would travel twice! This was 15 years ago. Have multiple events gotten more popular lately?
Anonymous
Omg Pls can we not? Destination bachelorette parties happen because people agree to them if you don’t like it just don’t go.
anon
Good grief, calm down, OMG can you pls not? She was just asking a question. Diana Barry is a long time commenter who doesn’t rile people up as a matter of course. There was nothing judgmental or inflammatory about what she said.
Diana Barry
Totally just curious! YMMV but I am east coast and none of my friends or sister had bachelor e t t e parties – maybe we were just all younger when we got married and nobody had the cash?
Anon
It’s a conversation that happens over and over and over again and always has a very judgmental undertone.
anon
I think that’s a complete overreaction to her question. There’s some nasty Anonymouses and Anons out today.
Vicky Austin
Maybe if there’s more space between the two? A cousin of mine just went from Minneapolis to Austin for a bachelor e tte party, which seems like a big travel ask to me, but I’m not sure when the corresponding wedding will be.
Anonymous
Eyeroll. Literally every person in my wedding party was going to have to get on a plane to go to a bacheloret*e party, no matter where it was held. I offered not to have one, and my friends wouldn’t hear it. We went to Charleston because people were excited to go there. I extended the invitation to a couple of other friends, all of whom were entirely free to say no for any reason. (Really.) The idea that a destination party = bridezilla is really unfair in an age where many of us have our dearest friends all over the country.
Anon
You don’t have one close friend who isn’t flying distance?
I get that in this day and age it’s hard because so many of us have many friends spread out, but also some people are exploiting this and having really unreasonable bachlorette parties. A friend of mine was invited to a 5 day long trip to Jamaica for a bachlorette party, which is absurd.
I know I’m lucky, but I’d say 80% of my friends are driving distance, as we’re mainly located between Boston and DC. I have several flying distance friends who’d be invited to my wedding, but probably only one of them would be at my bachlorette party. I’d say over half of the people I know have just had a bachelor/bachlorette party at one of the nearby beach towns and made it as easy as possible for those involved.
Never too many shoes...
I do not know why that is absurd exactly, of people want to go. Tons of women in my office have been on these types of pre-wedding trips to Austin, Nashville, Phoenix, Miami, Portugal… and that is from Toronto. An invitation is not a summons, but why make it seem like it is a terrible idea to even suggest it?
DCR
Did you exclusively grew up, go to school, and live on the east coast between Boston and DC? Because I don’t see how else that is possible.
I went to law school in NYC, and only one of my close law school friends is the Boston to DC range. The others have scattered around the country. Not to mention all my friends from my Midwest childhood and college.
Anon
I personally wouldn’t go to a five day party in Jamaica but that doesn’t make it inherently absurd. If people want to go then who cares? If you don’t want to go then don’t. In my experience destination parties tend to be more of an excuse to get together with people who don’t often see each other often. My close friends live all over the country and a group of us gets together for a long weekend every year because otherwise we’d never see each other in person. Adding another trip to celebrate a bride doesn’t seem absurd to me.
anon
Who called anyone a bridezilla or even said anything derogatory about destination bachelor*tte parties?
Anon
Same here. I don’t think there’s inherently anything bridezilla about a destination party. Also an invitation is not a summons. If a bride is upset that people opt out of her party that’s a different story but I’ve honestly seen more of that type of behavior in my experience with the one night parties
Anonymous
What on earth is there to do in South Carolina? o_O Who are the people that want to go there? Even if my best friend got married down there I wouldn’t go, I mean that’s vacation time I could go somewhere interesting.
So many questions…
Anon
It’s definitely regional. My east coast family is all about engagement parties, destination bridal showers, an entire wedding weekend of events, and of course you have to have a two-year engagement (because who can plan all that in eight months?).
The midwesterners… not so much.
LaurenB
Uh, I don’t think it’s east coast vs midwest. I think it’s socioeconomically based. Trust me that the well-to-do families in Chicago, St. Louis, Minneapolis, etc. are doing engagement parties, destination parties, and an entire wedding weekend of events just like their counterparts in Boston, New York, or DC.
Anon
There’s a religious element at play. Those who are more traditional tend to not believe in dragging out the engagement for two years in order to have a better party, and are completely aghast at the thought of asking newlyweds to play host and hostess the morning after their wedding night.
Anon
+100 this is a rich person thing
Anon
Thanks Judgy McJudgypants. Some people like to travel, even to celebrate someone other than themselves *gasp*. As my friend says “we’re grown.” Don’t go if you don’t want to go or can’t afford to. There is nothing wrong with asking your friends if they are open to a destination bachelorette. If no one is, you don’t have one, but I for one tend to gravitate towards adventurous travelers so it was an enthusiastic YES. There is nothing wrong with being a home body but don’t fault people for liking to do these types of things. My close friends and I without an excuse like a bachelorette party – the bachelorette party was just a good excuse to go somewhere.
anon
Did some snarky post get deleted? I can’t figure out what the heck you’re responding to with such rudeness.
Equestrian attorney
Mine was a mini-getaway, the weekend before the wedding, but to a town only an hour away from where the wedding was held. We did it with local folks and close friends/BMs who travelled to my wedding city early, which was lovely of them. It was a mix of people but a small group (8 people) and worked out well overall, even though a few people didn’t click, everyone had someone to talk to and I was really touched to see women I love from different times of my life together.
Anonymous
God I hate these things. So glad it wasn’t a thing when I got married. It’s not enough that your wedding party and friends spend money on your wedding (money they may not have, especially if they are just starting out in their careers), and now they need to spend money on a stupid destination party.
Anon
Oh stop – like anybody’s is asking you to go.
Anonymous
Lol I 100% agree. I basically don’t have disposable vacation time to use like this. I mean, there is always someone having a cheapo wedding in costa rica or a chick party in vegas and I don’t want to go.
Call me selfish but I’m not spending my money and more importantly my off time travelling places I don’t want to go.
anon
Mine was in NYC, where I was living in for grad school. Anyone not in grad school with me (including 7 of my 8 bridesmaids) had to travel for it. I don’t think any 2 bridesmaids were living in the same location at the time. I invited all of my bridesmaids but made it clear that I didn’t expect anyone to travel. Only a couple of my closest friends, who I’ve known since high school, traveled for it. I spent some time on Night 1 with just the friends who traveled, had a big night out on Night 2 with them plus other grad school friends who were invited to the wedding (maybe 8-10 people), and had a few optional activities (mani/pedis, brunch) for anyone who wanted to join. It seemed to work out fine, and everyone seemed to get along.
My bachelor*tte party was 9 years ago. Since then, I’ve been to several others, including all-weekend getaways. They’ve all involved people from different times in the bride’s life, but people have been able to get along and not be awkward for 2-3 days. I haven’t made any new best friends from these gatherings, but I’ve met some nice people, and it’s nice to know a few more people at the wedding.
Worry about yourself
Never married, and I’ve only been to one, but it was actually a fairly large group, I think 8-10ish people, bridal party plus a few others. I was a childhood friend of the bride whereas the others were college friends and coworkers, so I really only knew the bride and maid of honor. It was just a one-night road trip getaway for most if not all of us. I don’t recall loving absolutely everyone there, but we all seemed to get along okay and have a great time; alcohol probably helped! Anon above me is right, it’s definitely a good way for the bride’s friends to meet other people who will be at the wedding.
I’m not one to snark on what women prefer to do with their bachelorette parties. Sure, a week in Vegas seems a bit much (in more ways than one), but weekend getaways can be fun if most of the people invited can swing it.
Anonymous
I really hate being invited to something solely as a space filler. I’m also not living my life for Instagram points or whatever. Happy to miss a party of someone I went to law school with ten years ago.
I would not go to a bachelorette party with a big group of people or someone I didn’t know all that well unless it was something convenient and low key.
Anon
This is a interesting combo I saw worn by a girl, late 20s to early 30s, last week in NYC. Please help me judge if it’s business casual, smart casual or business formal.
https://www.massimodutti.com/us/women/collection/shirts-%26-blouses/view-all/stretch-fit-plain-cotton-shirt-c911173p8505982.html?colorId=403&categoryId=911173
https://www.massimodutti.com/us/women/collection/blazers/slim-fit-check-100%25-linen-blazer-c675008p8556536.html?colorId=710&categoryId=675008
https://www.massimodutti.com/us/women/collection/trousers/view-all/slim-fit-textured-weave-wool-trousers-c911198p8505701.html?colorId=401&categoryId=911198
https://www.massimodutti.com/us/women/collection/shoes/pumps/block-heel-black-suede-shoes-c1475030p8454340.html?colorId=800
anon
One vote for smart casual (interpretting the links as blue button down, checked blazer, navy pants, black suede shoes)
Anon
Nah.
Cat
Yeah nope
anon
No, she’s right. One person wasn’t wearing all that clothing, unless that one person was an escort hired by OP specifically to strip off multiple redundant items of women’s work wear.
Anon
Tr0ll – do not feed
lsw
I mean the shirt *does* have buttons.
Inspired by Hermione
Would rather not, bridge dweller.
Anon
I know this is a troll, but it still really pisses me off that they called someone in their 20s/30s a girl
In-House in Houston
How do we know it’s a troll? Just curious…
Inspired by Hermione
For me: same kind of weird sentence structure and awkward phrasing with a list of links, “please help me judge.” It just doesn’t read like anything people post here.
Anon
The useless question–why do we care what level of formality it was?–and the links to a set of clothes all the same brand, a brand which I personally have not heard of. Topping it off is that the first of those links is a butt*n-down shirt.
Inspired by Hermione
Plus this person has a weird obsession with “business (whatever)” wear.
Anon
They keep posting the same links to Massimo Dutti too. I’ve see them pop up at least twice to the same pieces of clothing.
Anon
Yeah, you all think you’re forensic comment experts. There are lots of people on the internet; they’re not all trolls.
poiu
Also, the troll persistently refers to grown women as girls.
Equestrian attorney
Ha, I’m just picturing this poor *woman* who walked straight out of a Massimo Dutti ad into the streets of New York.
Belle Boyd
Same here. Because really, who does that?
I usually give people the benefit of the doubt here since I’ve been (wrongfully) called a troll before, but this time, I’m calling BS.
Azera
Hoping you lovely ladies can give me some friendship advice. I have a friend that I met when we were teens (I’m 35 now) and we were very close but she was always the one that drove the friendship, she wanted to be with me 24/7 if she could, she would phone me in the evening after school and talk for hours about her problems, it was usually all about her. She was caring too though and to this day is one of the people who knows the real me best. We were close friends until I started at university and she was having issues with her boyfriend. I would give her advice but she would ignore it. She was calling me every night for hours and I could never get her off the phone. It was really eating into my study and social time so I started ducking her calls and we ended up not talking for about a year. One summer I was back in my hometown and we bumped into each other and started talking again. Our friendship was good for a number of years until a few years back when she was getting married. I was her bridesmaid and we fell out because I couldn’t make her bachelorette weekend (which I felt terrible about) as a close family member of mine suddenly fell seriously ill. After a heated conversation or two we got over that and stayed friends but then she became pregnant and sort of suddenly stopped telling me about her life. From speaking nearly every day, I never heard from her and when I got in touch I would get one word answers or she would say something that implied I just didn’t understand what it was like to be a parent so there was no point in telling me about it. Time passed, I got engaged, but didn’t do anything about organising a wedding due to a lot of work stuff going on at the time. Things got more and more distant and awkward between my friend and me, the low point for me being her ignoring me for hours at a party we were both at with a group of mutual friends, that is until she got very drunk and started acting like my bestie. I got married a couple of years later and I know she was expecting to be asked to be my bridesmaid but I didn’t feel close to her anymore, so after tearing myself apart with guilt I decided to ask some other close friends instead.
The wedding is over now and was great (although this friend was very awkward with me at my bachelorette party and wedding). She has now asked if I want to meet up and all my instincts are saying no (the thought actually fills me with dread) as I suspect she will be awkward until we ‘have it out’ about me not asking her to be my bridesmaid. I think the friendship has become toxic and I am sick of feeling awkward and guilty around her, there is no fun anymore. On the other hand we used to be so close that I don’t want to lose that. So my question is should I meet for a coffee and see if we can get back to the way we were before, or is it time to draw a line under it and move on?
anon
I would meet up and give the friendship a chance.If there’s no change then you can slow fade.
Anon
If I decide to meet up with her and If she brings up the wedding, I’d tell her that we had drifted apart in the last so many ever years and so had to go with others who are closer to me. And if she kept bringing it up, I’d say understand and sorry she feels that way (‘that’ sorry on how you feel rather than sorry I made a mistake).
I’d let the friendship fade a natural death or let it flourish on how this mtg goes.
Azera
Thank you, that’s really helpful advice.
Anonymous
The way you were before was not good. Don’t go back.
Anon
+1.
Inspired by Hermione
Draw the line. I’ve had a couple of these friendships over time and there is absolutely no point in hashing it out after years of back and forth, on-off, simmering resentment. I’ve had friends who I’ve known for years where I finally just said “Enough” and it was like a weight off my chest that I didn’t have to constantly consider if they were mad, what were we, are they my friend, and on and on. Draw the line. Appreciate what they used to be and bail now.
Anon
This.
Anon
Agreed. I never see the point in hashing it out with friends. Either you forgive them or you don’t – hashing it out never seems to change anything and often worst stuff is said during that conversation. It always seems like a way for the one who did something hurtful to blame the other one instead of taking responsibility for what they said/did that hurt their friend (but I may be projecting a bit here).
Azera
Ha, a lot of what you say rings true. I fear you might be right and it’s time to let it go.
Azera
Thanks for the replies ladies, you are all echoing what I’ve been thinking so it’s helpful to know I’m not being unreasonable. It’s hard when friendships end though :(
Anon
Has anyone been in a job for a few years, got bored, thought of leaving, but decided to stay and try create new challenges for yourself ? I’ve been at my current job for four years. It’s not bad, just boring. My department’s leadership lacks strategy so we end up doing a lot of admin and process related work. And our culture is pretty stale so nobody collaborates. We all work more or less alone. I’ve thought of leaving but wonder if there’s a way to stay put and make my work more interesting. Tell me your success stories about taking a boring role and crafting it into something more challenging.
Anonymous
IME, this only works if you have a good boss and leadership. I’ve gone to my boss and said that I’d like new challenges or guidance getting into X, and it has happened. But if you lack good leadership, it might be harder to pull off.
Anon
Yes, this is exactly what I’ve done. Unless your leadership is actively obstructing, there is always a ton to learn (from the internet and bring it into your workplace). What skills are you interested in developing? In my case, I was sick of manual admin work or supervision thereof and learned programming and database management to help do that work and allow me to find strategic growth points for my team/company. Stale culture (people who have been there forever and know a lot but lack motivation to fix anything) can be a treasure trove for process improvements.
Sleep headphone recs
Recommendations for favorite sleep headphones? I find that listening to guided meditation mp3s or repeat episodes of familiar sitcoms drown out the noise in my head and help me fall asleep, but airpods are a bit uncomfortable and tend to get lost. Thanks!
anon
I just use my regular iPhone headphones (the kind with a cord) for this. At some point I must take them out (because I find them in the bed in the morning), but they work fine, don’t get lost, and I already own them. You can get a connector for like $10 to convert 3.5 mm jack to lightning if that’s an issue for your iPhone.
CHL
Not exactly what you asked, but my mom has a little speaker that is designed for this and it goes under her pillow so she can listen to talk radio while falling asleep. It’s designed so that only she can hear it (not my dad, next to her).
RGH
I had the sleep phones ones that are like a fleece headband and have little embedded speakers and I didn’t find it comfortable at all! I use the cheap headphones with little soft silicone ear tips. I think they are sony but that kind is available pretty much anywhere. More comfortable than the hard apple ones.
Anonymous
I have the wireless/bluetooth Sleep phones (not a fleece headband, more like a nylon headband) and I think they’re awesome. Pricey (like $99), but to me totally worth it.
AnonMidwest
Honestly, I just buy cheap regular ear buds. I bought some sleep ones on amazon and while comfortable, they broke (no sound in one ear) pretty quickly, approximately the same breaking rate as the cheap ear buds.
Monday
Hilarious follow-up dating story.
Some of you may remember that 2 weeks ago, I went out with a guy who had said online that he was 39, but turned out to be 43. He justified lying with that troublesome “algorithm,” and said that nobody has ever cared anyway. Well, the EXACT SAME THING happened to me over the weekend! Dude had said he was 39 and was also in his early forties. The date was already bad, but here are the highlights of our conversation from that point:
Me: Why does it say you’re 39 online?
Him: I set up that profile a few years ago and hadn’t been back on for a while, so it’s old.
Me: Don’t they use your date of birth for age?
Him: Women have lied about their age to me too, you know.
Me: Oh really? What did you do when you found out?
Him: I never found out.
Me: Didn’t you just say women have done this to you?
Him: Yes.
Me: How did you know they had lied if you never found out?
Him: (mumble I didn’t bother to follow up on)
Me: You know, this exact same thing just happened to me with another guy who said he was 39. I’m 37, which is well within the range for a guy in his early forties, so I get the message that you’re really looking for women younger than me.
Him: What do you want? Mentally, I’m 25. I’m a f*** teenager. I’m sorry! I’ll pay for your drinks!
I paid the full tab, which he didn’t protest for a second, and left. From now on, I’m asking about age before meeting up in the first place, and anyone claiming to be 39 will get special scrutiny.
emeralds
What is wrong with people?? How could this have happened TWICE?
Vicky Austin
“Mentally I’m 25.” Bullet? Dodged.
Anonny
Bullet dodged! So much yuck, as someone who is actually 25, I would run if a man in his 40s said this to me.
Inspired by Hermione
Was about to say that. 26, here and that is gross.
January
This.
Anon
This, so much. I’ve come across guys who misrepresent their alma maters (omitting their college they graduated from and substituting it for one they did a summer class at), but lying about age is pretty baseline. Neither makes for a good start to a relationship based on trust.
Anonymous
Respectfully, you’re being a drama queen. It’s a first date. If you don’t want to keep dating him because of a misrepresentation, just don’t. Skip the school marm lecture. How would you like if a guy told you that you look fatter than your pictures or hassled you because you said you love hiking but really you only go once a year. You don’t have to date him but you also don’t have to try and fight him into submission.
Vicky Austin
What? No. Age is a big deal, and lying about it can get into predatory territory way faster than lying about weight or the frequency of hikes in your life.
annon
Who are you – that guy’s sister? Women put up with too much Sh*t in the dating realm. I am glad she confronted him.
lsw
+1
Monday
Where’s the lecture? I asked questions and truly wanted to know the answers. He had plenty of chances to give a reasonable explanation if there was one. Also, I absolutely wasn’t hoping or expecting to change him. But I think I’m entitled to give 2 sentences of feedback to someone who lied in a very concrete way. (Your other examples are subjective, date of birth is not.)
Anonymous
No you didn’t. You were trying to score points. It’s not a good look.
Monday
Repeated attacks under “Anonymous” isn’t the best look either, TBH.
Anonymous
Ok princess.
Anon
I’m a different anon, and indifferent to whether calling him out was a good or bad thing – I also wouldn’t go out with him again and would judge him for lying, but it seems like a waste of time and effort cause I doubt he will change.
However, I do disagree that you were just asking questions that you truly wanted to know the answer too. Based on your own description, it very much seemed like a deposition or trial cross-examination. You may have just been asking questions, but there were very much designed to lead a listener to conclusion X. It feels like you were asking questions in the hopes that he would admit he did something wrong and beg forgiveness, which is just never going to happen.
Anon
+1 Monday, it seems like this is causing you way more heartburn than these dudes deserve. If you’re just venting–vent away! But try not to let the a**holery get to you while dating. (Easier said than done, I know…oh, do I know.)
Anon
Any hope for change in those yucky guys aside, I would have been pissed to no end if the guy(s) try to rationalize the lies with lame excuses.
I think OP’s line of questioning is completely warranted for such an objective thing as age, and if the guy had any sort of reasonable explantion he would have provided it (he just didn’t have any). Cheering OP on for calling the guy out on his lies!
Cat
Yeah, this is how I felt reading through it too. I TOTALLY get the frustration and agree that I’d cut my losses and JSFAMO from this particular prize bro… but this recap feels like you were trying to trap him into admitting he lied to get more interest from younger women… which I think you already knew.
cbackson
Yeah, no. Someone who lies about his age knows exactly what he’s doing, which is trying to use misrepresentation to get women to date him who have expressed a preference for someone younger. That is calculated, isn’t okay, and calling him on it is fine.
Anon
Then Monday should have called him on it, instead of the stupid cross-examination designed to lead him into a trap. That’s not a healthy way to deal with another person.
Here’s the script: “I’m here to tell you, as a woman who was in her twenties not too long ago, that young women see right through this. You’re just wasting everyone’s time. Good luck with everything, I’m paying the bill now, good-bye.”
emeralds
Really over the expectation that women need to perfectly stage-manage calling out dudes on blatant lies.
anon
Why was it stupid? If she immediately blurted out “you’re lying” you’d probably jump all over her for jumping to conclusions and tell her that’s not a healthy way to deal with another person. Asking him a few questions and then leaving is literally the same thing as calling him on it.
Anon
emeralds, that’s a tortured reading of my words. I’m not suggesting that she “perfectly stage-manage” calling him out because she’s a woman and he’s a man; I’m saying that she needs to act like a damn adult. She obviously wanted to score her little points and get her Perry Mason moment.
cbackson
She was perfectly adult and you seem VERY invested in telling a woman who was lied to how she’s doing it wrong.
Anon
Oh, cbackson, you’re so cute.
Is it Friday yet?
Yup, he’s a jerk, and it sounds like she found out in person while on the date so he mislead her (even if she’d still have gone out with him if she knew his real age). Calling him out on on his BS does not make her a drama queen.
Monday
I absolutely would have gone out with him if he’d stated his real age–that was my point to him! It’s the lying (and then insulting my intelligence with his ridiculous answers to my questions) that were the deal-breakers.
Is it Friday yet?
For what it’s worth, this internet stranger thinks you handled things just fine. :)
NOLA
Oh Lord, Monday. That is crazy. I finally heard from the guy who abruptly canceled our date last week. He messaged me (although he has my number) on Saturday night when I was at a friend’s birthday party. Acted all hurt because *I* hadn’t been in touch when his last text to me said he wasn’t going out and was going out of town. Then was complaining that I wasn’t answering his texts quickly enough (despite the fact that I told him that I was at a party). So, after he said he didn’t owe me an apology, disagreed that his text to me was dismissive, and complaining that I am “conservative” because I expect grown adults to have manners, we agreed to go our separate ways. Sheesh. Moving on… although I think I need to switch dating sites. This one is not working. Just need to get through this week then I will have some head space to work on this.
Monday
It’s too funny that guys act like this, and yet women have the reputation of being “overly sensitive” and “dramatic”!
I don’t know how many bad experiences you’ve had, but it may not be the fault of this particular dating site. I think there’s just a lot of duds out there, anywhere you’re looking.
NOLA
I’m not spending a lot of time on it, but so far, I’m just not having much success. Guys click Like but don’t follow up, or start messaging and just drop off if I attempt to do anything more than say hello (when they initiated the conversation). I am not finding guys who match with me, quite frankly. The guys who are interested in me aren’t at all interesting to me. It could be that I am a professional woman with a lot of education, but with fairly liberal viewpoints. It doesn’t seem to match well with men here. A friend of mine is on Bumble and she is doing a lot better, but she is dating (and sleeping with) a few guys and that’s not really my style.
Anonymous
Long story short I once saw one of my law professors on the dating app with the swiping…he was very clearly lying about his age on the app. Just from interacting with him and knowing his background/work history I knew what his minimum age was, which was a good 8 years older than what the app listed.
Anon
Eh, I think age is less of a big deal to lie about – the brackets to select who you will message are real things. I wouldn’t get that fired up about it but I also don’t like that guys response. I went out with plenty of people who “lied” online and then fessed up in person right away. I also used a different birth year to beat the algorithm.
Anon
“I also used a different birth year to beat the algorithm.”
How did that work out for you?
Anon
Quite well, thanks. Married someone I wouldn’t have met otherwise.
Pretty Primadonna
I wonder if there’s someone out there advising guys to do this. If so, it is terrible advice.
Is it Friday yet?
I’ve come across quite a few profiles where the guy has set his age in the app as 39 or whatever, and then in the text of his profile will say “I’m actually 45, lol”. It’s definitely a thing – at least some of them are upfront about attempting to circumvent women’s filters? Better than the ones that just look ten years older than their set age – like are you a liar or a meth addict? (I’ve also come across a few that set themselves as older and then say something like “Really 22, but I like older women” which is equally skeezy)
Anonymous
What I would like to know is why women put up with this. If 99% of the guys on dating apps are sketchy liars, why do women use dating apps and agree to go out on dates with men they meet on dating apps? Why not just cut your losses and invest that time in real life?
NOLA
For myself, I can only say that I am using a dating app to expand my circle of possibilities. I don’t get out much in my daily life (mostly work, gym, rehearsals, church) and I thought it would be good to meet people I wouldn’t otherwise meet. I would say it’s been mixed success, but I’m not investing a lot of time in it right now and probably need to change apps. Most guys, I just don’t even give a second look, or I move on after a brief look at their profile. The photos for most guys in my age range are laughable.
Anon
I’m open to suggestions about where to meet single men IRL. And how to convey to the general public (outside of your circle of friends and acquaintances) that you are single and looking.
Anon
In high school, it was an upside down claddagh ring. Right side up was taken, upside down was available.
Anon
and in college it was what color you worn to a stoplight party.
Neither of those random facts is helpful to women looking to meet someone.
Anon
Dudes my age (30s) legit often do not know which hand wedding rings go on. I quit wearing rings of any sort for that reason. (It wasn’t much (any?) skin off my back or I prob wouldn’t have done so.)
Anon
@1:01 – I was being funny with my claddagh ring comment. Sorry if my sarcasm didn’t read through. It was also just a funny nostalgic memory not actual advice. My bad.
Shopaholic
Because it’s really difficult to meet men in real life? Between work, my attempts to live a healthy life (workout, eat healthy meals and sleep enough) and friends, I don’t run into a lot of single men on a day to day basis.
Anonymous
But if it is not actually possible to meet suitable men on dating apps, why bother? And why help to perpetuate the system?
anon
Are you being intentionally obtuse? Yeah, of course it’s possible to meet suitable men. No one ever said it was literally impossible to meet decent men through apps.
anonymous
Exactly. Once you get out of the grad school/ first few years after grad school stage of life, it’s really hard to meet guys organically–especially when you work a lot like I do. I would *greatly* prefer that, but it’s just not reality. I’ve been off the apps for the last approx. 1.5 years. I’ve met zero guys in the wild. Had a few friend set ups that didn’t go anywhere. I basically have not dated at all.
And no one ever said 99% of men on dating apps are sketchy liars.
Jane
I’m a soon-to-be university graduate who’s currently stocking up on clothes that I can wear in the office. Right now I have some basics, but I also tend to enjoy wearing prints. Would a dress like this: https://oldnavy.gapcanada.ca/browse/product.do?cid=1034530&pcid=15292&vid=1&pid=412707003 generally be considered work-appropriate, or appropriate in some offices but not others? Thanks!
Azera
I think thats perfect office wear – the only place I can think that it wouldn’t be appropriate is a super-formal client facing office where suits are the norm. Otherwise it is great!
Anon
Cute dress! I think it would very much depend on the office. For my business formal office, I would consider the hem a bit too short as pictured on the model + gingham isn’t what I would usually go for. But it should be fine for offices that lean more business casual, and the dress cut might even read too formal for offices on the more casual end.
emeralds
It would be appropriate in any office I’ve worked in. Dress codes have ranged from business casual to casual. The gingham makes it feel a bit less stuffy, I guess, so YMMV if you’re looking at more formal fields.
And congratulations! Good luck out there!
Anonymous
All clothes are appropriate in some offices and not others. I strongly encourage you not to stock up until you actually have a job.
Anon
This. Have just enough on hand to get through the first week and then slowly fill out your wardrobe over time. You need less than you think to get through the first week. (Do as I say, not as I did :/ ….)
Anon
That would have been ok in my biglaw office for some days, but not others. But I also think it kind feed in to an overall narrative that someone is young, so would be inclined not to wear it if I was already on the young side for my office or appeared to be younger than my age.
But I get that biglaw is far more on the business end of business causal than most office, so unless you are in a similar field (finance?) I think it would probably be fine.
Inspired by Hermione
I like it, but I would be worried it would read too young on me. I tend to look young and this would likely make me look (not saying it does for everyone, but would for me) like I was going to a high school debate tournament.
Anonymous
It could be appropriate, with a couple caveats: it should be no shorter on you than it appears on the model; and it should be no tighter (and I would say, preferably a bit looser) on you than on the model.
anon
I’m actually going to offer a dissenting point of view. I think the gingham pattern, combined with your age, is going to read very young (in a not-good way). With a solid-colored blazer, it miiiight work. I definitely think this is a “know your office” piece.
Anonymous
I would not be appropriate in my office. It is too short and I suspect it will look rather cheap quickly. I would suggest going more formal because of your age. When I started out at age 22 I wore just black and gray and wore longer sleeves and hose. While I looked boring it was super easy to dress and maintain my clothing and no one ever commented.
anon
I think it could work in a lot of offices. But watch the hemline – I find old navy dresses are usually too short on me and I’m only 5’4”. Plus they tend to shrink in the wash. You could definitely dress this up with a blazer and heels.
And yes, second the vote to wait until you have a job. I’d get a couple of pairs of trousers, blouses, and solid color blazers to get you through the first little bit until you have a feel for what’s appropriate at your job.
KS IT Chick
I’m wearing that dress today, in jade green. I’m 5’4″ tall, with really short legs, so it is a good length for me. I wouldn’t get any of the patterns, because the construction is such that the patterns never line up at the seams. Fine for solids, bad for patterns. It also required a size up from what I usually get from Old Navy, due to some oddities in how the bodice is constructed.
It’s a step up in formality from what many of my co-workers wear, but we’re a firmly business casual office. I wouldn’t wear it in a business formal environment.
PolyD
I just got this dress this weekend. Caveat that it is Old Navy, but I think it’s decently well-made. The fabric is pretty thick and I didn’t notice any really blatant pattern mismatching. How well it will hold up, well, one never knows with clothes these days.
So, I’m about 5’3″, a Small/4 in Loft dresses, 32D/DD bra, waist probably about 28-29 based on pants and jeans from Loft, BR, and Gap. I bought this dress in a medium and it is not super-clingy in the rear (where I tend to carry weight a bit), and comes to my knee, maybe slightly below. I don’t think it’s too banned-word-starting-with-s for work at all. Whether it is the appropriate level of professionalism is definitely a Know-Your-Office thing, but I think it’s probably fine for business casual.
I’m 51, so apparently I will look like mutton dressed as lamb, according to the poster at 9:49 AM, but oh well.
Worry about yourself
Dangit, I was just at Old Navy today but couldn’t find that! Oh well, found some other useful things. It would be fine where I work, that’s for sure, but like others have said it may be best to stick to very classic basics until you get a feel for where you work.
Wow
Dangit, I was just at Old Navy today but couldn’t find that! Oh well, found some other useful things. It would be fine where I work, that’s for sure, but like others have said it may be best to stick to very classic basics until you get a feel for where you work.
Falstaff
Has he done a sleep study? My husband did one and got a CPAP and it’s the only reason we are able to share a bed.
Leatty
+1
My husband snores horribly. He finally had a sleep study done a few years ago, from which we learned that he stops breathing up to a minute due to sleep apnea. Now that he uses a CPAP, no snoring.
OP
Yes, he has. CPAP was not recommended for him.
Anonymous
I recommend split rooms instead of a split bed.
OP
That’s not an option, we don’t have an extra bedroom.
Anon
Why go there first anyway? I’d be heartbroken to not share a bed with my husband and it would take a lot more than snoring to drive me into another room. I’d try the less nuclear option.
Cat
Don’t have one myself, but a work friend has a Sleep Number bed and loves it.
Saguaro
Mack’s silicone earplugs. Much cheaper than a split bed and works like a charm.
Anon
Subscribing to hear recommendations as well! I need a raised bed for GERD, but I’m a little unhappy to have to switch to a whole new bed frame since we bought our bedroom suite only a few years ago. (The foam wedges do not work right, and I can’t use risers since the frame is legless.)
Anon
Why don’t the foam wedges work well for you, have you tried them? The cheap Amazon ones I’ve tried are trash, but the sturdy ones in the 6 to 8 inch range that are long enough to lift you from tail bone to head have been great for me. The Brentwood Homes wedge pillows have changed my sleep.
RR
We have a sleep number, and I love it. It’s two separate adjustable sides, and it does help with snoring. There’s actually a “partner snore” setting, where we can slightly adjust the other person’s head if they are snoring. We also sprung for the heated foot area, and it was worth every penny for the enjoyment it brings to my life.
OP
This is very helpful, thank you! There are lots of bad reviews online about things breaking down after a few years and the warranty not covering it — any experience with that?
desigirl
Its the first day of Ramadan and I was wondering if there were any Corporettes in the Arlington VA area who would be interested in meeting up to break fast.
Inspired by Hermione
Ramadan Mubarak!
Houda
Ramadan kareem
mozlem
Ramadam Mubarak!
Buenos Aires
I’ve got a work trip to Buenos Aires coming up! I haven’t been before, so I tacked on two days at the end for sightseeing. What are your best recommendations? TIA!
Anon
Drink lots of Malbec, eat lots of food, visit the Recoleta cemetery, maybe see a museum or tango show, and you can take a day trip to Uruguay(across the river) if that appeals to you. You used to get a lot more peso in exchange if you brought US $100 bills and exchanged them on the black/blue market, but I think those days are over and you can change money the usual way.
LHW
I highly recommend Cabana Las Lilas for a long lunch or dinner! Great restaurant on the canal, if the weather is nice sit on the patio. Amazing service and food!
kk
I just went in february! take a 1/2 day history tour if you can- I loved visiting the casa rosada and cathedral. Soho Palermo was a fun neighborhood to walk around- we enjoyed lunch at Fifi and dinner at Proper.
Falstaff
Given the scary climate change news that’s been coming out lately, I’m wondering, have any of you limited your air travel due to carbon emissions? I feel like it’s a huge source of carbon that’s discussed a lot less than other sources. For me, personally, we do not live near family and I’m not inclined to limit our domestic flights, which we take probably 3-4 times a year because I want my kids to have relationships with their grandparents and other relatives. However, I don’t think I would take my family on an international vacation at this point.
Anonymous
No. Climate change won’t be fixed by me forgoing vacations.
anon
She didn’t say she wasn’t going to take vacations!
anonshmanon
I just read that air travel is responsible for 5 percent of greenhouse gas emissions, yet less than five percent of the global population board a plane in any given year. If you travel on a plane once or more often a year, you are part of a tiny global elite doing so and mitigating the effects is definitely worth thinking about.
MKB
I haven’t, yet, but I have a friend who’s switched to trains for cross-country travel and I’m pondering whether I can do the same. If you haven’t considered that option, it might be worth looking into.
Anonny
What, no? Respectfully air travel is really hard to avoid, but you can make huge gains reducing your carbon emissions in your daily life like veganism or public transport. I do everything I can, except for avoiding air travel (because I don’t want to harm my relationships) and I have comfortably gotten by footprint below 1.
Anon
+1. I became a vegetarian partly for this reason, take public transport or walk as much as possible, group my errands when I do have to drive, and have drastically decreased my online ordering (I try to buy everything I can at local stores in person, instead of ordering online). There are so many other things I can and will do first, that I’m not going to give up my half a dozen flights a year to see family and explore this world.
Z
+1 reducing meat consumption and things like using less single use plastics public transport are great ways to reduce your carbon footprint.
Grumpy Environmentalist
“reducing meat” isn’t effective as reducitarians or flexitarians don’t actually reduce, its a feel good label. Hard lines like vegan or vegetarian are what work.
Anonymous
Huh? I eat poultry a maximum of three times per week and red meat never. That is a lot less than the typical practice of eating meat or poultry for lunch and dinner every day, which adds up to 14 times per week. So you are saying it doesn’t count unless I become a vegan?
anonshmanon
I don’t think that’s universally true. I took the recent study that came out on the sweet spot of a diet that is sustainable and healthy, and took a good look at my meat and dairy consumption. There is some work I need to do to increase legumes and to reduce dairy by 20%, but it’s a useful roadmap.
Z
Definitely disagree with Grumpy Environmentalist. I am a vegetarian. Any effort to reduce meat even if its just having meatless lunches or meatless mondays or however you want to do it, is helpful. Any effort is better than no effort.
Worry about yourself
I think it depends on how much you reduce. If your definition of “reduce” still involves eating meat at most meals, but not all of them, then yeah, it’s probably not gonna help much. If you cut back to eating meat a few times a week, and choosing mostly fish and poultry over red meat, that can make a difference. Better than nothing!
Anon
The plane is still going to take off without you
Cat
No. I love traveling and there’s no other way to go overseas that is remotely practicable with American vacation policies (i.e., 3-4 weeks per year). I try to respect the environment (bonus points for it benefiting health and wallet) with other choices, like living in a city where both my husband and I can walk to work, run errands, etc.
emeralds
I just–don’t know. For me personally, I fly a few times a year, maybe once domestically and once internationally. At this moment, I’m not committing to flying less, but I’m trying to do other things to compensate (purchasing carbon offsets, taking direct flights as much as feasible since takeoffs burn the most fuel, plan to buy a hybrid or EV when my car bites the dust, will be screening potential houses for the possibility to install solar, etc.). But it’s a tough one for me in a way that a lot of other sustainability-related changes haven’t been. It goes right to the heart of something I care about a lot, in a way that only washing my clothes on cold and rarely using the dryer never would.
But at the same time, it’s enormously valuable for people to see different cultures and contexts, even within the context of environmentalism and sustainability. It blows my students’ minds to see the infrastructure and resources that other countries commit to sustainability, and they bring a lot of energy and ideas back with them. Just last week I heard the bro-iest bro who ever bro-ed talking about how seeing the Maeslantkering in Rotterdam led him to major in civil engineering, because he wants to work on infrastructure to mitigate the affect of rising sea levels on coastal cities. The US has nothing comparable in scale.
Equestrian attorney
My family lives on another continent, so I can either fly or never see them again. I don’t feel great about it and try to pick options closer to home for any other trips we take, but I think most of us don’t have a choice for several reasons. I would like to have more high-speed rail options in North America, although it wouldn’t solve my particular problem.
anonshmanon
I have the same problem, and travel for work a few times a year. I have started to track all the flights I take this year and plan to buy carbon offsets from various NGOs to mitigate the impact. I expect it to be around $500 this year.
Idea
No. But i sometimes use “climate change” as my excuse that I haven’t been on a cruise in years. (and don’t love them, anyway.)
Anon
We are scaling back, for sure. In part by taking more of our vacations within driving distance, in part by trying to bundle air travel. We have close family in Europe, so when we go visit them, we also take a week or two of vacation to another part of the continent. We’ve probably cut our air travel in half this way.
Anonymous
I think you are much better off focusing on political action and making regular routine changes instead of focusing on rare occasions.
Anonymous
No because I mainly fly for work (so I can’t not), but my airline of choice (Delta) has added a carbon emissions offset calculator. I’m roughly keeping track and plan to donate my total at the end of the year to an environmental-related charity once I can find the time to research a good one (open to suggestions).
Good luck
Lobbying: NRDC or EWG.
Arbor Day Foundation works to plant trees (which absorb carbon).
World Wildlife Foundation if you’re more into big cute furry animals and education/conservation.
I would go with Terrapass if you’re looking for literal carbon offsets. They’ll send you a certificate (or you can print it).
Tell your employer that it’s A Big Deal to you, and see if they publish a sustainability report or track carbon emissions.
Why yes I am an environmental consultant, thanks for asking.
Anon09er
What do you think about Earth Justice?
Anonny
+1 to NRDC, I work in the environmental sector and I am always impressed with them in my professional interactions. Also a big fan of greenpeace, but they can be “radical” to your average person.
Anonymous
Thank you! Do you know anything about Southern Environmental Law Center? They’re local, so was considering them, but interested to hear what someone who actually works on environmental issues thinks.
anon
It’s a great group. I don’t work there now, but have in the past both in legal and non-legal capacities before. They’re also basically the only groups of their type in the Southeast.
Anon
No. My time is better spent in working on activism to change corporate pollution, rather than carving my existence down to a joyless nothing for almost no impact.
Falstaff
What activism are you doing to change corporate pollution?
Anonny
Probably nothing, because what environmental organizations actually need is money and skilled lawyers/lobbyists but almost all resources in the NGO field go to human causes.
SFAttorney
Purchase carbon offsets when you fly.
Worry about yourself
Well, I rarely travel, so I’m only flying once or twice a year if that, and it hasn’t occurred to me to cut back on that. We usually fly for a specific event, not just because we feel like visiting a new place, although we usually fit in some tourism while we’re over there. If you feel like you can cut back on air travel, do it. Otherwise, there are plenty of changes you can make in your everyday life – remember that reducing and reusing is more important than just recycling.
Anon
Well one thing is certain. Air travel has a much bigger impact on climate change than straws. /sarcasm
I find conversations about individual efforts to be so frustrating because people tend to get very defensive. At the end of the day, I think we can all do better than what we are doing but also that this isn’t one size fits all. Do what you can individually and advocate for corporations and governments to do more. Because that’s where the really big gains are going to be made.
Bad friend
AITA question. Two friends and I agreed that we would travel to an event in the USA together if we got tickets. We agreed that whoever got the opportunity to buy the tickets would and pay the others back. The event opened up for sale and none of us got tickets in the lottery, we all agreed to keep hope (tickets were being offered on a rolling basis until thy sold out) but I kinda was relieved due to some personal stuff and was happy we didn’t get tickets. A week later I got a ticket offer and immediately bought for all three of us.
One friend then admitted she didn’t have a passport which was news to us. Friend 2 and I were unhappy and warned her not to get a plane ticket with no passport but told her there were two day options to get a passport (you basically just pay more). We were especially concerned because Friend 3 wants to change her last name on the passport from the one on her previously expired passport.
Tickets are meanwhile going up and up in price so Friend 2 and I booked our tickets using my credit card points so we just paid tax. Friend 3 has now bought her plane ticket and ordered her passport on a 2 week basis. Now, if we had bought tickets together I would have used points for all of us (I have hundreds of thousands of points) but because of the name issue I didn’t want to get caught in the drama of something probably going wrong. Should we tell Friend 3 about the points or not? I know she will be upset.
Anon
Can you still get her a ticket using points? Or offer her the same number of points that you used on your ticket and Friend 2’s ticket?
Anon
If it’s within 24 hours she should be able to cancel for free and you can rebook for her.
Anonymous
Why on earth would you tell her? That’s bonkers. You were not responsible for buying her plane ticket, she didn’t ask you to, don’t rub it in that you didn’t.
Anon
+1
Anon
Could the three of you split the cost of the airfairs? So, she only has to pay 1/3.
Either way, I think you should tell her. It is likely to come out, and I at least would take it a lot better if my friend was upfront about it and explained why they didn’t want to buy my ticket.
Anon
Second para is entirely true. Splitting the airfare in thirds seems exceedingly reasonably of you and Friend 2…depending on Friend 2’s relative finances, I may not want to put that on her. I tend to agree more with Anon at 11:15–Friend 3’s higher airfare cost is a result of her lack of preparedness. If you can remedy without additional cost to you, I’d go that route.
Anonymous
It is awkward because Friend 2’s trip was dependent on 3 of us going and if everything blows up with Friend 3 the trip will end up costing more that Friend 2 budgeted. Friend 2 is pretty annoyed about the whole thing. TBH I don’t get it either, why would you commit to an overseas vacation for months knowing you had no passport and then refuse to expedite the passport obtaining process?
I know Friend 2 will refuse to contribute to Friend 3’s flight.
I think I will leave things alone.
Anon
Your friend is reaping the consequences of being unprepared. If she finds out, shrug and explain that if she’d had her act together, she would have gotten the same perk. You don’t owe her anything.
Anon
Exactly. When my husband fails to plan, all the consequences are on him. I don’t see why this would be different for a friend.
Anonymous
I don’t understand why she would be upset. She’s not entitled to a free plane ticket. I can’t fathom a conversation where she finds out about this and is all, omg I can’t believe you didn’t pay for me too how dare you!
Anon
I wouldn’t bring it up with the friend. IF she finds out and brings it up, I’d say I’d have gladly bought her ticket too, if her passport with right name was ready when you bought the ticket. Maybe we can do another trip together, now that you have your passport..
Anonymous
Thanks! Advice was appreciated. We will say nothing.
Friend won’t have her passport for two weeks (assuming everything goes as planned with application and the mail isn’t super slow) and by then the airline ticket will likely cost close to double. I don’t feel that this is my problem especially since Friend 2 and I both expected Friend 3 to get the fast passport and not cheap out.
We never agreed that I would use points for everyone’s airline tickets or anything, I just randomly remembered I have them and figured why not.
I bought all event tickets because that’s how the ticket pool works (one person has to buy for everyone), if she doesn’t end up going or goes but doesn’t pay me back so be it.
Not going to lie, I 100% didn’t buy friend a ticket with my points so I wouldn’t be stuck trying to deal if her passport shows up with a different name on it. Because honestly I hate calling airlines and credit card companies. Even thinking about it gives me major anxiety.
Anon
Easy ideas for lower-priced Mother’s Day gifts–like ~$15? My mom loves physical gifts (experience gifts just don’t carry much weight with her), and it really is the token that counts with her so I’m trying not to spend too much. My first idea is a candle, but I did one last year and I don’t think she loved the scent I picked. I did bath stuff the year before, so that’s not a great pick either. I might just do flowers and call it a day, but I feel like I’m forgetting some obvious options.
Cat
Do a potted plant instead of a bouquet, so it lasts longer?
Fancy tea/coffee/olive oil/spices?
lsw
Really nice chocolates?
Never too many shoes...
Book? Framed photo? Fancy socks?
DoesntBelongHere
Something personalized (even just with her initial)?
In-House in Houston
Spices are a great idea. I think Penzey’s is having a sale today where the shipping fee was reduced. Or….go to Trader Joe’s…they have a ton of great spices and they’re very inexpensive…I think I got their onion salt (which has parsley and is delicious) for $1.99. You could get several spices and put them in a cute box/tray for her pantry? They also have some nicer sets of sea salt that I bought last year as Christmas presents and I’m pretty sure the set was under $10.
Cb
A little succulent? Some nice teas?
Anonymous
fancy tea or coffee?
Anon
These are all great ideas–thank you!
Inspired by Hermione
My mom says the best gift I ever got her was the “What I Love About Mom” gift book. Ten dollars, took me about an hour to fill out and she keeps it on her nightstand now.
Blueberries
This kind of heartfelt gift is amazing. My kids are too young to make it, but I would cherish something like this over almost anything else.
Anon
What are your recommendations for affordable comfortable/supportive flats?
In my job I work events (approx 1-2 times/week) where I need to be on my feet and moving around for 4-10 hours. Money is pretty tight at the moment, due to needing to put money into my car and waiting on a reimbursement from a very expensive work trip (this famously takes months at my job, and I have two of these work events in the next 10 days). I’d love to try Rothys/Tieks/Margaux etc but it’s just not in the budget right now. Any suggestions?
I normally spend ~$50 on shoes, so I’d like to keep it around there, if possible.
S in Chicago
I’d invest in Vionic orthotics and use them with existing shoes. To me, it’s all about arch support. Rothys aren’t going to give you that.
Anon
Easy Spirit Getcity Ballet Flat
Anonymous
You don’t need cheaper shoes, you need a company that doesn’t require you to front tons of money for travel expenses it should be covering. Demand that the company pay or prepay your big expenses (flight, hotel) directly instead of requiring you to pay and then be reimbursed, or you don’t travel.
Anonymous
Aerosoles. The squishy insoles and rubber soles makes them super comfy, and especially if they’re on sale they’re pretty cheap. Even the more expensive ones are worth it, I wear each pair a couple times per week and they last for years.
Anonymous
Check TJ Maxx and Marshalls. They have Aerosoles and other comfort brands.
S
We have a really angry, disturbed ex-employee. Here for 4 months, became clear he totally faked his references and is mentally unstable, fired him, and he won’t let go – texting people (not me but senior leadership) threats. He made the hair on the back of my neck stand up from Day 1. Does it make sense to run a criminal background check? Can anyone recommend a service? Any other advice?
Anon
I’m not sure how a background check would help. Maybe pursue a restraining order?
pugsnbourbon
I don’t know what you’d do with the results of a background check at this point. I’d definitely file a police report and make sure the security in your building knows his face, his car, etc. Document everything.
Idea
Do you have security consultants? Ask your insurance provider what to do. Tell your facility management. This is dangers Gaven de Beck “Gift of Fear” kind of space. Be careful.
Veronica Mars
Gift of Fear x1000. It will help you create a strategy that’s best to deal with the problem employee.
S
Love Gift of Fear, and it’s actually what makes me give credence to my own fear here. For the record, I wanted to do a background check for this guy just to see if there’s anything else we don’t know about him that we should.
Anonymous
If someone is being dismissive of him being a threat (for example, you can’t get security to walk you to your car past hours), having the background check with something that appears might be useful in convincing.
Anon
I agree this is absolutely security consultant/threat assessment team territory. If you don’t have professionals on retainer, check with your insurance or your network at local larger organizations (GC’s office, senior leadership, etc.) to find good people. In addition to a security consultant with a background in psychology, I’d also want counsel experienced in these matters—typically an employment litigator or someone with a local prosecution background.
Given the threats and that my local police are excellent, I’d also involve the police ASAP.
Anon
I think she means for future hires. I use instantcheckm*te . c o m. They have an unlimited plan for $35/mo. I looked into it for dating reasons and haven’t actually found it particularly helpful for that reason, though I could see how it might be. There are a surprising number of things that it doesn’t show–like marriages, divorces, recent moves (last year or so). I don’t know if that is particular to this service or online background checks in general. If you decide to go with background checks, I’d look at something higher quality (and therefore more expensive). I will say that it does pull up some criminal records, though it’s unclear to me how comprehensive it is (some states show all traffic stops, others don’t). And some offenses are civil–which don’t show up at all (see: nasty divorces and related civil suits).
Anon
There are companies that bill themselves as Outside HR, which work as an HR resource for companies that are too small to have their own HR departments. If you do not have a good background check system (including not doing a criminal background check on hires), you should probably institute one and consult with specialists on how to best do hiring, background checking, and onboarding.
anon.
Do not just start running background checks on people (employees or potential hires). You will want to check with someone who practices employment law on how best to implement a background check policy and comply with state/local laws. If you are in fear from the ex-employee, CALL THE POLICE.
Anon
Your state’s state level investigative agency likely offers a public records criminal history check for a small fee. I am familiar with the Alabama Bureau of Investigation, the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation, and the Kentucky State Police doing so. The caveat is that it is only going to show convictions, and stalker-ish and the like people are some of the best at weaseling out of actually being convicted.
EB
Is this your company? If you are in charge of the response to this employee, you need to take more action than just running a background check.
If he texted an actual threat to an employee of your company, you should contact an attorney to help you report it to the correct authorities. You may also want to hire some kind of security for your building. You should do this immediately.
If you are just an employee and uncomfortable about the situation, you should ask your employer to tell you what steps they are taking to protect you and your coworkers.
anon
I’m a very stoic and non expressive person. Short of changing my personality, how should I go about showing more warmth toward people? Right now I do things like remember people’s birthdays, ask them how something is going that they may have talked about before, smiling a little more than I find natural, etc. I’m a good and loyal friend when anyone needs anything (e.g., a peer is having totally correctable performance issues at work, so I talked to them at length giving encouragement but also thoughts on how to move forward) I do care about people and want them to know it, but in not-deep, substantive interactions I’d like to make sure they know it. Help?
Inspired by Hermione
Ask them what their plans are for the weekend/holiday (and follow up). Offer to grab them a coffee when you’re out getting one yourself, or ask them if they want to join you for a quick lunch/coffee/walk/whatever. Say hello every morning. Chat with them about non-work stuff- I find that sitting down in their office tends to make it seem like you really want to hear about their lives, even if just for a few minutes.
Anonymous
I often find that people who are “very stoic and non expressive” have at some point tamped down their emotions or expressiveness in order to avoid pain or avoid stirring up reactions (such as avoiding triggering anger from an irrational parent). If that’s you, then you work on feeling what you’re feeling — you can’t feel warmth and love and joy only, and not feel the pain or anger or shame as well.
If that’s not you, then you still work on emotions — identifying them, noticing when you have them, and letting others see you have them.
anon
No, this isn’t me. It’s genuinely not a deficiency; I’m comfortable talking about my emotions when relevant, I just tend to keep things to myself absent a reason. With this: “identifying them, noticing when you have them, and letting others see you have them” I do really well except for the last part. How important is it really that people see me express emotion? I actually think I do it really well in response to other people (e.g., friend who’s having a problem) I just tend to not share much about my life or show emotions of my own that aren’t in response to someone else. Is this necessary?
Inspired by Hermione
This touched on something I didn’t think of- being more open/expressive/warm yourself makes other people more comfortable, less intimidated, and more likely to trust that you care about them as people, not just as employees or colleagues. If that is important to you, and I sense that it is, I think it’s important to open up a bit. In the conversation about performance, for example, a quick anecdote about something similar you struggled with could go a long way in making that person feel heard and seen.
My first supervisor was incredibly intimidating for me. For the first month, I would have said the dude had zero emotions. He was very stoic. He was interested in my life and in mentoring me, but I felt like the interaction was completely one sided and so it was very tough to feel comfortable. I think he eventually realized that and started trying hard to soften a bit (often by making jokes at his own expense. One of the first times I remember this went like “What music are you listening to lately?” “Lots Bastille and Ingrid Michaelson, right now” “I don’t know either of those…people?…I’m just going to go play shuffleboard and pick up my walker, because I am apparently Super Old.”) We were then in a car for 6 hours over the course of a day (and in a VERY small office for another 5) and he talked about some life stuff that was pretty surface level, but helped me feel more connected to him. After that, I was way more comfortable around him since I realized he was multidimensional. He’s still very stoic, but no longer intimidates me at all and I know he’s in my corner when I need help. I wouldn’t say he is warm, per se. But he does make an (awkward, frequently hilarious) effort to create a welcoming environment.
anon OP
Thanks, that makes a lot of sense. I’ll talk a little bit more about myself.
Anon
As a similarly stoic/non expressive person, I try to show my warmth with words – in written notes or matter of fact but powerful words – “I’m proud of you”, “I really appreciate this”, “You’re a good friend”. This don’t need to be said with tears in your eyes, but mean a lot because people often don’t say these things.
PolyD
This is me, kind of – I have resting non-expressive face and am not very visibly emotional. I use my words – like, if I am having a great time, I tell the person I am with, Wow, I am really having fun! Or I follow up with an email – that was so much fun, we should do it again.
I never realized that people didn’t know how I felt until a friend told me I was “hard to read,” so I decided that I will speak instead of making people try to read me. It doesn’t come across as corny in real life as it seems to here.
Anon
Thanks for this. I have a young relative like this. She’s so hard to read, I’ve sometimes thought about not inviting her to things because I can’t tell if she likes anything. Reading the above, I should try to coach her instead to express clearly when she is enjoying something to give us some feedback.
PolyD
Yes, please don’t stop inviting her! I think it was less hurtful for me to hear that I was hard to read (granted, I was in my late 20s) than if people didn’t ask me to do things because I wasn’t voluble enough about my fun.
I don’t know how to gently tell someone younger that they have a deadpan face, though. Maybe it could be more general – “sometimes I have a hard time telling what people are thinking, if they are mad or having fun… “
JazzyRose
If you don’t mind hugs, give your friends a hug when you say good-bye, telling them it was good to see them.
My expressiveness really varies, but I’d always appreciate more hugs from my friends.
Anon
Smile. I come off as aloof so I am careful to smile when I pass people, enter meetings, etc.
Anonymous
Can any Everlane Day Heel wearers comment on the fit of the pair I just received? The front around my toes feel fine but I’m pretty sure if I sized down would be too tight. I could also foresee the rubbing where the leather meets the top of my foot being pretty painful on a hot/sweaty day. The back, where its elastic, won’t stay up when I walk. These need to go back right?
CHL
I kept mine because I really wanted them to work, but they just didn’t. Don’t be me. Send them back.
Anon
Yes. The “Day” line is for a very specific foot type, and it’s not mine. I haven’t tried the Day heel but had similar weird fit issues with the Day Glove and Day Boot.
Anonymous
I bought and returned the day glove because they were so tight at the middle of the foot. I found them oddly proportioned and uncomfortable.
Anonymous
Because of life stress, job burnout, and medical things, I have gained 45 pounds in the past 1.5 years. For people who have gone from a smaller standard size to a curvy plus size, how did you relearn to dress your new body shape? Obviously cuts, necklines, and shapes that worked on my size 6 at 115 lbs with smaller bust/waist do not flatter on my 160 lb size 114/16 larger bust, waist, hips, and thighs. I was never good at fashion before, and I’m always surprised when I find something in my size in stores. And I also feel a little sad when I go shopping with my size 0/xs friends because some of the items I’d like are not in my size.
Anon
Advice from someone who when from 120 to 165 in three years
1) Shop without your friends
2) Let go of “what used to look good on me” and start focusing on “what could look good on me now”.
3) Embrace your size but aim for good health. If you are metabolically improving and your doctor doesn’t thin you need to lose weight, you’re fine. Eat healthy and try to exercise. I focused so much on how I “look” I neglected to focus on what really mattered, my health.
I recommend going into a few stores alone and trying on all types of shapes and cuts to get a sense of what you like on yourself. Weight distributes incredibly differently for everyone, so finding which cut, draping, and style works for your shape is what really matters – not the size or “old me” styles.
And I encourage you to wear clothes that fit. I know a lot of women who had weight gain in a short period of time gravitate towards clothes that “hide” their figures. Trust me, it only makes you look insecure and usually bigger than you are. Wear clothes that accentuate your shape, and that skim your body rather than drape over it or hug it (this is a general fit tip for all women).
anon
I don’t really have answers for you, just sympathy–I used to go shopping with my cousins, and there was a similar size difference, and it made us all unhappy. Maybe when you go out with those friends, just plan to be their consultant?
Anon
Maybe try one of those clothing rental services? That may be a good way to try out different styles etc. without actually having to go shopping yourself.
UHU
Do a search for body type shape to figure out what your new shape is. Then see clothing tips for that shape. What helps me a lot is to look for public figures with similar shapes and get ideas for what could work on me based on what I like on others. Queen Latifa, taller than you, always dresses so beautifully, for example. Also, echoing another anon, embrace what could look good now, rather than what looked good then.
Ariadne
Select one or two stores that carry your size in store, and take time yourself (on your own, or before meeting up with friends) to try lots of fabulous clothes. I’m a size12/ 14 and have been on and off/ give or take a few pounds, and my sister is xs. While we don’t go shopping much together anymore ( she lives four hours away and has three kiddos), we would go to stores that had both our sizes. Br, old navy, department stores, etc. I have trouble finding pants, but old navy has lots of options…just go in store, or order tons of sizes and cuts to try. V neck sheath or fit and flare dresses work really well, and you can often purchase a size that fits your bust, and have it altered. Lately, I’ve noticed two piece dresses…aka skirt and top that match can be worn together, or apart. I bought one on sale at Anthropologie, so maybe check that out too.
Been There
Hang in there. This was me. Shopped a lot at Kohl’s and consignment shops. Then, one day, I got sick of it. Sick of the weight and sick of feeling bad about myself. I started the Naturally Slim program and I lost 50 lbs over the past year and kept it off. Went from size 16 to a comfy size 8/10. I feel physically better than I have in years and I still eat out and eat dessert. It’s legit. It’s not about being skinny, but about being comfortable being you and not letting the unhappy parts of life manifest itself on your body.
Housecounsel
Please tell me this isn’t an MLM.
Been There
Not even close. Just trying to help. Put on over 30lbs due to infertility treatments, job stress and life and can relate to OP. Trying to offer a solution that made sense to me, if and when she is looking for that type of option.
Ms B
Late to the thread, but this is where Talbots is useful. Pull pieces that are in your size in regular and petite (so 14 regular and 14 petite, plus the parallel women’s and women’s petite sizes), compare fits, and decide from there. Also, keep in mind that the fact that you are vertically petite (or not) may not be determinative of what sizes will fit best for you. I know women who are 5’8″ who do better in petite pants; I am 5’1″ and often do better in regular pants and shorts (but ankle or cropped pants or short legged shorts).
The One?
For those of you who knew your significant other was THE ONE on the first date, how did you know?
I’ve gone on a handful of dates with a guy and I am completely head over heels for him and can honestly see myself marrying him. He would fit into my family well, we get along amazingly…I’ve never felt like this about anyone and I am honestly terrified. I’m trying to temper my own feelings but this just seems so different than anything previous.
Ahhhhh
Anon
We had just met each other and were sitting across a table. I just knew that I was eating my first meal with my husband. It wasn’t a wish; it wasn’t “never feeling like this about anyone else.” It was just knowing, as a fact, that this is where things would go.
Vicky Austin
+1 – it was very simple and quiet, no trumpets in my head, but I couldn’t ignore it.
Diana Barry
+1. I knew after our first date.
Is it Friday yet?
I had this precise feeling with my most recent boyfriend. And then he panicked and broke up with me, so YMMV on all this. :(
Cat
+1. It wasn’t even just a physical crush, I wanted to keep talking and talking.
Housecounsel
I knew the first time I met him, which was months before he finally got around to asking me out.
Anon
I’m not married, so … But I dated someone in my 20s who I thought was the one from early in the relationship, but he disagreed. I would try to keep you expectations and hopes in check since it may not work out. Keeping that and your needs in a relationship are, I think, important so that you don’t let your feelings lead you to make a rash decision.
The original Scarlett
I felt it, and he also said it. There was no guessing – it was nervous yet mutual “oh my goodness, this is it isn’t it” conversations.
Wedding etiquette question
What is the appropriate timeline for declining a wedding invitation? A friend of mine is having a destination wedding in late August in Europe. I don’t have much vacation left this because I’m already attending two different weddings and taking a week off for personal reasons. She told me about this in October, I said I would do my best but it might be hard. The RSVP was in February (?), so I responded saying we would love to come but weren’t sure yet due to work constraints. I might be able to swing it because I have a work trip in the same country scheduled, but my work trips are notoriously fickle and could change up until the last minute. DH probably can’t make it and doesn’t particularly want to, and I’m iffy on going alone but would do it if it worked out. If I don’t have the work trip, I probably can’t make it, both financially and time-wise.
Friend and I were close in undergrad, but she moved away and we lost touch a bit. She didn’t come to my wedding (but did give me ample notice). I like her and would like her to be there (plus the destination looks gorgeous) but she’s also not the person I would move mountains for. She is having a very small wedding and asks me every week to confirm if I will be there because it would mean so much to her. Should I just say no at this point?
Anon12
If you’re not going to go, tell her. She may have a B-list that she wants to invite. Own up to what you already really have decided.
Senior Attorney
+1
Anonymous
Yes. You should have said no in February. Her RSVP deadline was ridiculously early but you should still have followed it. Instead of just giving her an answer and letting her move on, you’re making your attendance an ongoing thing she needs to deal with in her life.
Anon
+1
Anon
Yes, say no now. You should have said no when the rsvps went out since you don’t sound like you ever wanted to go, but that ship has sailed. You have decided not to go and need to tell her. She is appx. 12 weeks out from her wedding, and needs to know who to expect for planning purposes.
Anon
Just say no now.
There were people that I specifically told could just show up, but they had these really awful family situations (sick kids, parents in hospital), etc., and would know last minute. Other than that, I can guarantee you’re probably annoying the bride more with your indecision than by not actually committing one way or another.
Cat
Just tell her. A kind ‘no’ is much better than a ‘maybe’ because at this point, that just means ‘gah we need to finalize the headcount and seating, is the OP coming or not? Can she please just decide.’
The original Scarlett
The right time is by the RSVP deadline. Even if you think it’s early, the person throwing the party probably has reasons.
Anonymous
This poor bride. She has been far more patient and gracious than I would be in her shoes. The RSVP was due THREE MONTHS ago. She has been following up with you WEEKLY since then. Why are you creating more work for this person? It is so so rude to keep stringing her along like this. If the answer isn’t a definitive yes when the RSVP is due then it’s a no.
K
“What is the appropriate timeline for declining a wedding invitation?” Lol by the RSVP deadline at the latest, how is this even a question?
Financial Insecurities
My parents had a rocky relationship with money when I was growing up and fought constantly over spending patterns, expenses, not enough money. It has affected my school and career choices my whole life, in addition to contributing to my feeling of over-responsibility and “not enough”, fear of financial insolvency (despite saving 50% of paycheck and never actually having struggling with paying the bills, I always worry there won’t be enough in the event of job loss/illness/retirement/kids) and fear of abandonment bases on financial circumstances. Any experience with or advice on how to cope with anxiety / imagined money insecurities? I’m in therapy (CBT) for generalized anxiety disorder, fwiw.
Anonymous
Make a monthly budget for how much you’d need in a worse case scenario – job loss + needing to pay 1 or 2k/month for health insurance + not being able to cut back any current spending. Now look at your savings/investments (NOT retirement, everything else that’s liquid). If you were to deplete that down to 0, how many months could you pay out to live on the aforementioned budget. For me there’s comfort in knowing you could float for 2 years or 5 or whatever because reality is most people CAN find a job in their in a few years and if they can’t, well then they even pick up retail or whatever to not deplete all their savings, maybe get health insurance etc; and they move to lower COL areas etc. IDK if it works for you but scenario analysis can help.
anon
Talk sense to me about viewing a house. DH and I absolutely fell in love with the location when we did a drive-by, and the location is more important to us (well, me?) than the structure. But it would be a lot of house for us to afford–more stories, more bedrooms, more money…
I understand the financial picture, I’m not looking for a chorus of “buy less house!” advice. And I know plenty about siting and locations, to be well aware of the downsides that go along with it’s charms. But when we see the interior, what should I be looking for, what questions should I be asking? I want to make sure we have all the info before we put our rose-colored glasses back on…
Anonymous
Look at how well taken care of the house is. You’ll get an inspection but your eyes are your best tools. Be realistic about what you can and can’t change and how much that will cost.
Anon
Do you have a realtor that can give you good advice on these types of questions and what is reasonable for the area?
anon
We have a good realtor, yes–she’s been highly recommended as someone how looks out for her clients. But our desires are very strange for this area, and she seems to have a little trouble understanding what we value.
Anon2
Make a list of the things you value in a home and check them off as you view the house.
Anonymous
It feels like you’re telling us to bypass the Huge Question that really matters: “it would be a lot of house for us to afford.” You shouldn’t even be considering putting the rose-colored glasses back on if you can’t afford this house. So, before you ask about what’s in the house, do the numbers, look at the lifestyle changes it would require to afford it, look at the lifestyle creep that would happen if you were to live in that neighborhood, and THEN, if you’re satisfied that you want the consequences of those decisions, go see the house.
anon
Well, yes, like I said, I have a handle on the numbers. If the price doesn’t come down, we won’t be buying it. Thankfully, there’s no lifestyle creep–that’s one of the reasons we want to go there.
CHL
Only you can know your finances but location is so so important. Is it likely that other houses that are better suited for you in this location will arise?
SC
My husband and I bought a house last year. We looked for different things when looking at a house. I was looking mostly for feel and flow and what our daily routine would like like in the house. I had very emotional reactions to houses. DH was looking for value, how the house was maintained, and whether problems with the house could be solved within a reasonable budget. He had very logical reactions to houses and saved us from at least one major mistake. If we liked a house at all, DH was very thorough. He would go into the attic and garages and work rooms, look at AC units, duct work, water heaters, etc., all before inspection. That would (a) give us an idea of whether renovations/repairs had been purely cosmetic, and what to budget for upcoming repairs when we made an offer, and (b) often reveal exactly the materials used for any renovations or updates, since people tend to store extras in the attic.
anon
Thanks! Tips like looking at the extra materials stored, and all the different systems to check out, are exactly the kind of things I’d like to know about.
SC
Great! It’s pretty time-consuming to be that thorough. We probably saw 30-40 houses, and he only did that for 3-4 of them. Most days, we could see 3-4 houses in about an hour.
Also, you say you like the location, but be really sure. We saw a few houses in neighborhoods we loved, but then it turned out something was wrong. For one great house, the busy street on the side of the house was a deal-breaker because we couldn’t stand in the backyard and hear each other talk. One house came on the market at a super low price for the area and seemed amazing. We saw it right away, and it was clear there was going to be a bidding war. Our real estate agent noticed that the commercial lot on the street corner, 2 lots down from the house, had its dumpster in the residential lot between the commercial lot and the house we were looking at. She was suspicious and did some research that afternoon. It turned out that the new owner of the commercial lot had also purchased (through a different entity) the residential lot next door and had already applied to have it rezoned as commercial with a shady application. That’s probably why the owners were selling so low. But the house was under contract for above asking price within 48 hours.
Tetra
Things that I did not consider when buying my house, and wish I had: How old is the water heater? Will the closets need to be redone (i.e. are the shelves about to fall down and bring the drywall with them)? Does the floor need repair/replacing? How old are/do you like the appliances? Is there a pantry? Are there electrical outlets in convenient spots? Is there a Homeowners Association or other group that will be annoying to deal with? How much maintenance will the yard/balcony/etc. need?
Anonymous
I feel like the water heater is really easy to replace–yes, there will be a cost, but pull it out and put a new one in. Same for kitchen appliances, as long as you like the layout of the kitchen. They just pop out. Replacing or refinishing hardwood is definitely a bigger job, so i would pay more attention to the flooring. Same goes for the HVAC system. It is easy enough to replace the a/c condenser unit, but if you have a problem with leaky ductwork, this becomes a hassle to deal with. Is the attic easily accessible? How is the insulation up there if not? If it is hard to get into the attic, and it is not well insulated (or worse yet, if the ductwork is up there), you are going to have temperature-related problems year round.
anon
“But when we see the interior, what should I be looking for, what questions should I be asking? ”
My $0.02 is to assess how well the house has been maintained and especially state of the mechanicals (furnace, AC, hot water heater, roof, etc….).
If a basement, are there signs of water?
How do people flow through the house?
Storage in kitchen, closets.
How long does it take to get hot water.
Not interior related – but something not to lose sight of (depending on your location)
Property taxes !! (note the current owner’s assessed value / tax bill may be different that your tax bill)
anon
Check the plumbing! Flush the toilet 12 times in a row. Also, how old is the roof.
Senior Attorney
Also turn on the shower and check the water pressure.
Gail the Goldfish
YES. Also flush a toilet while the shower is running. I really wish I had done this on our house, because my shower water pressure drops to almost nothing if water is running anywhere else in the house (though weirdly, the guest room shower is not affected at all, just the master bathroom. I don’t understand plumbing).
anon
Thanks everyone–so far what I’m getting is to check basement, attic, garage…appliances especially the water-heater, and heating. Drywall and flooring, although from the pictures I’ve seen bet those are new.
Sadly, you’re also making me care more about the fact that it checks aaallll the boxes for location: no HOA, lowest possible tax rates, and not in flood-zone (deal-breaker for me, and very hard to find here)…Not helping people!!! (actually very helpful, thank you all)
Anon
DH and I bought a house last fall that was built in the 1930s, and as a first time home buyer, there are several things I wish I had thought about and considered the financial impact. Most of this will come through the inspection report, but look carefully at the age of the appliances, boiler, AC unit, etc., as these can add up. The older the house, the more repairs you’re going to need over time.
Look at things like plumbing when you’re walking through the house- is there a back up in the sink when you run the water, which may need just a new sink part or might need a whole new sink/pipes (we had the latter)? If it’s an older house, are you ok with things like a squeaky floor or loose doorknobs, or is that kind of thing going to bother you and you’ll want to fix? If you have outdoors space, are there a lot of leaves to take in the fall / snow to shovel off the sidewalks in the winter?
I love the location of my house and would buy it again, but didn’t really appreciate what I was getting into with an older house that facially was in good shape but constantly has some issue (ie frozen pipes in winter, followed by the roof leaking all within a week).
Handbag lady
Do you have any suggestions for (1) nice handbags for going out on a dinner and (2) nice clutch or bag for special events like weddings? I tend to use my handbags day to day so everytime I am going out and look at my regular bag it looks shabby….
Price range for me is up to 500. Thank you in advance!
P.s. this is a repost from the other site. I posted late on Friday and got only a few responses. One person suggested Strathberry…. I am mulling over it. Just fyi, my regular day to day bags are madewell, kate spade and nordstrom.
Anon
I have a few from Lauren Merkin (black patent, matte brown, gold). That brand is around anymore but you might find something on eBay. I got my younger sister one from GiGi New York, and I don’t think those are particularly trendy anymore, but I think it works well nonetheless.
Anon
*isn’t
UHU
I think it’s mostly about the finish–fabric, shiny, sequins, tend to read more festive.
JS
Check out allsaints for going out to dinner – https://www.us.allsaints.com/women/accessories/style,any/colour,any/size,any/
Annony
Perhaps visit Clare V’s site … something there might pique your interest.
Anonymous
Clare V, Staud, Mansur Gavriel
kk
I really like the Stella McCartney chain crossbody for this- you can tuck the chain inside to use it like a clutch, or wear it on your shoulder. I have used it going out to dinner with jeans, but also with a bridesmaids dress.
I got mine on poshmark for about $435 https://www.neimanmarcus.com/p/stella-mccartney-falabella-crossbody-bag-prod201120081
Senior Attorney
Haha I have a knockoff of this in the goldish color and didn’t know it was a knockoff until just this minute!
Anonymous
FAmilies with 3+ kids- what’s the family vehicle? We are shopping for a new one and weighing the options. There are car seats and boosters involved, but as far as I can tell that doesn’t make too much of a difference one way or the other once you get to a certain size of car
Anonymous
Minivan all the way. I have three kids, all in carseats. I have a Honda Odyssey and have been very happy with it. I really didn’t like driving minivans before I test drove it, and it felt totally fine — not that far away from driving a sedan. Given that, I couldn’t come up with any reason (at least for my family) that any other type of vehicle would be preferable.
Diana Barry
In m*d (why?) with a bunch of different options. If it doesn’t show up you can email at diana barry r e t t e at g m a i l (all one word) and I’ll let you know what we looked at. :)
Diana Barry
FWIW, if you are against minivans (I am), I only drove SUVs so my recommendation is based on that. We ended up with a Honda Pilot and love it!
MomAnon4This
My dream is Toyota Sienna. Everyone I know loves their Honda Odyssey or their Kia Sorento. I am not *really* sure what the differences are, just that I drive mine into the ground, so…
We’re still in carseats, too, and to me it would just make such a difference to have kids be able to get in and out of the car and get their equipment out of the back trunck and to re-configure seats for roadtrips, etc. That’s why I want a minivan instead of an SUV.
anon
Honda Odyssey. We also have a Toyota Highlander, and we never drive it as the family car other than when we need AWD. The Odyssey is amazing, super comfortable, lots of space. It’s great to get the kids in the car without having to move seats around, and it’s just really well designed for kids. The problem with the Highlander is that the backseat is cramped – not uncomfortably so, but it is more cramped, and it’s hard to get back there if someone needs help buckling (which is not us). I think it also seats one extra kid, which is good for carpools. Plus, the Odyssey holds so much more, so it’s great for road trips. With the Highlander, we’re packed to the brim and will probably need a roof rack (we haven’t gone on a skiing roadtrip in the past two years).
FWIW, we rented an AWD Sienna last time we went skiing, and I like the Odyssey better. I can’t really compare because it was a later model with fewer features, but I think it’s worth test driving both if you decide to go down the minivan path.
Anon
Mazda 5. No longer available new, alas. If you’re ok with buying a few years used, though, it drives more like a real car than anything else with a third row. I hate driving big vehicles, so this works way better for me than a minivan or third-row SUV.
Been there done that, minivan will be next.
My Mazda5 is great for 2 kids, and the occasional carpool. Not great for 3 growing kids and 2 adults.
FWIW it was called a “micro-van” not even a mini-van!
But you’re right in that it drives like a car.
Anonymous
Seeking advice regarding my DH’s ignorance re: nutrition. He is 28 years old and generally in good health, but I’m concerned that his unhealthy habits and willful ignorance re: same will catch up with him. His diet is very meat and potatoes, he does not drink water, he does not eat vegetables (save for occasional iceberg lettuce salad drenched in high sugar/fat dressing) and he has not exercised in years. He does eat a lot of fresh fruit, probably 5 servings a day, but he also drinks a lot of fruit juice and doesn’t believe me that fruit juice doesn’t equal fresh fruit, nutritionally. My diet/lifestyle is far from perfect but I think I’m doing a lot better and have more knowledge, but whenever I try to talk to him about my concerns he just turns it around re: how I eat too much sugar. I’m really concerned about my life partner’s long term health but he is not hearing me. Maybe if he heard the info from another source, like a nutritionist, he would listen?
MomAnon4This
Maybe. Has he had a physical exam? Start there.
FWIW I am very overweight but my cholesterol, sugar, etc. numbers are all NORMAL. This drives my husband crazy, because he has “high cholesterol” from his genes.
Oh, well.
Also. Stop talking to your husband about it. Do you know what – he’s doing fine. Focus your anxiety elsewhere.
Anonymous
Agree with this. You’ve tried. If he is eating five servings of fresh fruit a day, I am having a hard time imagining that his diet is so troubling as to be a concern. I would be sooooo annoyed if my husband micromanaged my diet like this. Not eating vegetables is not akin to taking up cigarette smoking.
Anonymous
“I’m really concerned about my life partner’s long term health” — Have you put it that way to him? I think that’s how I have more or less gotten through to my husband about wearing sunscreen.
Anonymous
People are different; they have different genetics and different health goals. Plenty of old folks who are doing fine made it to old age on meat and potatoes with hardly any vegetables or exercise. I haven’t eaten sugar in several years for excellent reasons, but you are doing fine eating sugar sometimes. So if his doctor is happy with his numbers, why look for trouble? I know some people use FitBit or cronometer to find out if their diet is nutritionally adequate. Maybe that would be a good referee in this discussion if he’s a willing participant in this discussion (otherwise, let it go!).
Anonymous
Stop policing a healthy 20-something’s eating habits.
Worry about yourself
Aside from expressing your concern about his long-term health, which you may want to do because this is the age where bad eating starts to catch up with you and cause issues, I recommend two things:
– Suggest fun, lowish-impact activities you can do outside this summer. Nature walks, light hiking, kayaking, paddleboarding, swimming, maybe even surfing lessons if your summer plans will bring you near a beach, are all ways to help him start moving.
– If you do any of the cooking, could you find some healthier alternatives to what he eats that he might enjoy? I’d also find out why he doesn’t eat veggies – is it a texture issue? If so, he might like them more if they were prepared another way, or maybe some spices might help if it’s more of a flavor issue.
Honestly, the best thing you can do is lead by example and set him up for success. Address the aspects of your diet and lifestyle that need work, and see if your efforts inspire him to make similar changes. Otherwise, maybe he does need to hear it from a doctor. Not a nutritionist though, if he sees anyone about food it should be a registered dietitian.
Anon
Meat and potatoes is absolutely not bad! I rocked Paleo diet when I did that. But the sugar and lack of veggies will be hard. You have already talked about this to him a lot. There are a lot of things you CAN do without talking about exercise or getting fit.
Get one of those sneaky substitutes book – and add sneak veggies into his diet.. Meatballs, meatloaves, burritos, quesadillas, pureed soups, lasagna, dips (for crackers) – all hide veggies well. You can also made awesomesauce pasta or pizza sauce by adding pureed roasted red veggies (red peppers, carrots, etc)
Go on fun low impact activities mentioned above –
When you bake, cut sugar in half… and use healthy substitutes.. stock fruit juice without sugar.
Anonymous
OMG. he’s not a child. seriously a little bit of zucchini hidden in his meatballs wont prevent make a difference. Agree with poster above, refocus your anxiety elsewhere.
Senior Attorney
People are not improvement projects. If this is a deal-breaker for you, then you know what to do. But for the love of all that is holy, don’t nag him about eating his vegetables. You are his wife, not his mommy.
Go for it
+1000 Most unsexy stance to take with a DH!
Anon
Do you eat dinner together? When it’s your turn to cook, make the things you want instead of catering to his tastes – healthy/vegetable heavy dinners.
Anonymous
This just seems weird. People aren’t projects.
Diana Barry
Just went through this. We have 3 kids all elementary aged (7, 9, 11). I wanted (1) 3rd row seat that was a good size, not tiny and (2) not a minivan. We were coming from a 10-yo SUV so I was used to driving that with the kids.
I drove:
Subaru Ascent
Ford Expedition
Chevy Traverse
Chevy Suburban
Toyota Sequoia
Mercedes GLS (550? it was used)
Acura MDX
Honda Pilot
We ended up with the Pilot. It was MUCH NICER than everything else, particularly for the price point. I really liked how the 2nd row moves with a button and you can also move the 2nd row back and forth (to give more or less leg room to the 3rd row). You can fit 3 across in the 2nd row if everyone is in car seats/boosters.
Various things I didn’t like about the other ones: turn signal noise, plasticky interior, size of 3rd row, inability to move 2nd row back and forth, road noise, truck-like handling (particularly on the Ford/Chevys), features for price point (ditto). Can give more details if you want!
Worry about yourself
I’m not really a “pants person,” because the struggle is real when it comes to finding pants that fit and flatter (and don’t break the bank), but today I followed my gut and stopped into Old Navy after lunch, and the Pixie ankle pants caught my eye so I tried ’em on and HOLY CRAP they’re amazing. I mean, they’re full-length pants on me because I’m short, but still, they’re comfortable and look great! And they’re on sale this week. Their blazers are also great, I finally have a navy one to wear with my new yellow dress.
The Stevie pants, on the other hand, seemed more like athletic pants you’d wear to work for some reason, do not recommend.
Ellen
Wow! I have trouble with pant’s b/c I am also not tall, and have a tuchus, so the combo does NOT lend itself to looking very svelte, which is a must for me in this business. So I will go to Old Navy and try on the ankle pant’s and see how I look from behind. I have no issues from the front, but it is my tuchus that I need to keep in check, and do not want to have to wear a long sweater to cover it! Thank’s for the tip. I will alert the hive if I buy some! YAY!!
Cb
That’s awesome! I’m also not a pants person but found a pair of jeans that work for me recently – Gap high rise true skinny.
Worry about yourself
Yes, those are awesome too! I love Gap jeans!