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Updated: Sep 9, 2019 388 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Half-Sleeve Tweed Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Elbow-length sleeves are my favorite — they provide enough coverage to work without a topper, but you don’t have to deal with the awkward bunching that can happen when you try to shove a longer sleeve into a sweater or jacket. This black-and-white tweed can be dressed up with a black blazer for more formal days or a bright cardigan for a business casual office. The dress is $318 and available in sizes XS–XL. Half-Sleeve Tweed Sheath Dress A couple more affordable options are from Brooks Brothers (regular sizes) and Calvin Klein (plus sizes). This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

    • anon

      I clicked through, thinking it mist be a problem with the pic. But the better-resolution post is only marginally better looking.

    • UHU

      I love it, new twist on a classic weave. + I do love how it looks like the antique tv’s on the fritz.

      • Juliska

        We are actually taking firm website photos in a couple of weeks. The wardrobe suggestions are to wear black, white and gray. This dress is black, white and gray and I would probably be sent home to change.

    • Minnie Beebe

      It looks like one of those Magic Eye posters– like if I stare at it long enough, I’ll see a unicorn in a forest?

  2. Anonymous

    Does this jacket exist? I’m looking for a jacket that looks like a field jacket, is waterproof, and has a removable liner inside for added warmth. I’ve been searching and searching and can’t find what I have in my head.

  3. Anonymous

    Ooh, I like the Brooks Brothers pick. The length is better for an office.

    • ShortAnon

      Annoying how the Brooks Brothers site has the model posing with her arm across her belly. Makes me suspicious about how the waist of the dress looks on the front. Love that they offer it in petite!

    • Never too many shoes...

      If someone is actually going to sleep on it regularly – American Leather all the way. It was recommended here and it is seriously comfortable and sturdy.

    • Room and Board all the way

      I have a sleeper sofa from Room and Board (the Berrin sleeper sofa) that is seriously more comfortable than my own non-sleeper bed. It’s a platform style, not with springs. We have had it for 8 years and it’s going strong. It also looks really nice just as a sofa (and very comfy).

      • joan wilder

        A second vote for a Room and Board sleeper sofa. And their customer service if you have a problem for some reason is amazing.

      • Anon09

        Third vote for the R&B Berin sleeper sofa. DH likes to sleep on it when his back hurts because it’s firmer than our own mattress. Both my in-laws and my parents sleep on it without complaint. At one point, my in-laws slept on it for a two week period. Also, it’s manufactured by American Leather. Had it for 4 years now.

      • Beth

        Fourth vote. We have the Oxford pop up. We’re usually the ones who end up on it (let the parents have the queen bed while we take the full-size sleeper) so we did a lot of research. Its great and the popups take up so much less space.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve had a different Crate and Barrel sleeper for a decade. It’s decently comfortable – good for 2/3 nights, but not equivalent to a real bed – and the sofa its self has held up great. If I had someone using it really regularly, I might get a topper to add a little comfort.

  5. Anonymous

    I’m on the hunt for a wireless bra, that pulls over my head, that is not made of nylon. Somehow nylon always pills up and gets itchy. I was thinking of looking for cotton. I am size S/M in sports bras. Any ideas?

  6. Anon

    I want to love this, and I bet on someone who’s 5’5″ or so, it’d be perfect, but on my 5’10” self, way too short, ugh.

  7. longer length blazer to wear with jeans

    Shopping help please…looking for longer length tailored blazers – more on the classic and preppy side – in navy and red to wear with jeans and very sharp flats or driving moccasins. This is for corporate business off site meeting. Would like to have two buttons in front….like a longer riding jacket. Suggestions please and thanks in advance!

  8. S in Chicago

    I have a bunch of large stuff in a storage unit that I started renting when I first got married. It’s 11 years later and I no longer want my cheap armoire, junky dated lamps, etc. How do I get rid of this stuff? I don’t care about money for any of it. I just want it gone without a big drawn out process. I’d hire movers… but where do I send them with it?

    • anon

      there are many non profits that will come and pick up furniture from you. just do an internet search

    • Anonymous

      Some charities will come and pick up furniture in usable condition. Try the Salvation Army or Disabled American Veterans. Depending on what you’ve got, other options are an estate sale company (will arrange for sale of your stuff) or a junk hauler (will cost you money).

    • Chicagoan

      Depending on the condition, you could donate it to charitable organizations in Chicago that sell furniture to raise money, like Howard Brown’s The Brown Elephant or Mount Sinai Hospital Resale Shop. Brown Elephant requires you to send them a photo in advance to confirm it isn’t total junk. You can hire a moving company or many junk removing companies will bring stuff to charity and the rest to the dump.

    • Anon

      I would find a nonprofit focused on helping women avoid homelessness or fleeing domestic violence, who help provide furnishings for a new apartment. It sounds like stuff that would be great for someone who needs to establish a new home.

      • Anonymous

        Our refugee resettlement organizations also take furniture that is in workable condition.

  9. A.

    Later this month, I’m having what should be a laparoscopic medical procedure taken care of. Assuming all goes according to plan, it will entail a one-night hospital stay and 2-4 weeks off of work. I’ll also have to eat a specific diet during my recovery.

    I’d appreciate tips or tricks from anyone who’s been on an extended leave. I’m trying to think in advance about (a) what I should have at home to make my recovery more comfortable/enjoyable (ex: a good book or two), and (b) anything I need to take care of, household-wise, before I have this done. My kids and dog are already planned for, and spouse has some time off to help me recover. Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      Put all your bills on autopay, figure out a comfy lounging spot, and buy some new cozy clothes. If you can outsource laundry that would be great- obvi spouse can do it but if they’re taking care of you it’s a nice thing to not have to do. Buy a 50 pack of wash clothes on amazon if you won’t be able to bathe.

    • anon

      I’d have some of your favorite meals in the freezer so you (or spouse) can reheat without extra hassle. When I was recovering from surgery, having a good meal to look forward to was very therapeutic. I’d also download a bunch of reading material on a Kindle, or check out a bunch of books/magazines from the library. Being couch-bound can get boring after awhile — even Netflix has its limit — so you may want to look into stuff you don’t normally gravitate toward, like adult color books or something artsy that makes time go faster.

      • Anon

        Yes. I just had my own two week recovery and I started doing puzzle books from the pharmacy just to use my brain a little, but not too much. I put as much stuff as I could out at a height where I would not have to bend or stretch to get it. Clothes were laid out on a spare bed. Kitchen appliances that were normally in cabinets were left out on the counter so I could be more self-reliant. You probably are not going to want to do stairs much so either buy two of everything you may need (tylenol, ibuprofin, heating pad, water bottle) or have it all in a backpack or shower caddy for you to bring with you when you switch floors for the day. If you are going to spend anytime home alone or alone w/ the pets you may want to get one of those grabber things elderly people have. I wasn’t able to bend to pick stuff off the floor and there were times I dropped something and either wanted it or wanted to make sure the pets didn’t get it. That was only the first couple of days though and then I was able to side bend/squat at the knees to get things.

        Oh the other thing that really helped was a small pillow to clutch if I laughed or sneezed. It helped hold everything in place so it didn’t hurt as much.

    • Senior Attorney

      Good books: I have been binge-reading the Inspector Gamache series of mysteries by Louise Penny and loving them. The first one is called Still Life.

    • Anonymous

      6 foot charger for your phone. I had a 3ft cord and when I was in bed all day and watching TV on my phone when I couldn’t sleep at night, I hated getting out bed to take a break and charge it and get up and down (canopy-type bed that is high up). I also needed the phone to text/call husband (even if on site) vs yelling for help / items / etc.

      Had face surgery that made me a plastic-straw food person for a week (Ben & Jerry’s makes great smoothies, but the paper straws did NOT work at all and made my upper palate / tooth pain unbearable). Plus meds that were of the dizzying variety. Not fun.

      So get a long charger cord if you don’t already have one.

      • meara

        Very much agree. Had several weeks of v drugged recovery from a surgery, and could only vaguely focus on a book or internet or Netflix, but the 10′ charger I got (along with a new power strip that had a USB plug) and the super strong powerbank/battery thing (I think it’s able to recharge my phone 3 times or something) were both awesome.

        If you’ll be in bed rather than on a couch, a pillow made for sitting up (like old-school dorm room style?) and a lap desk (handy for eating, having a laptop, coloring in a coloring book on, etc) could be nice too.

      • Anon

        This reminds me! I also have a high up bed and we put a step stool in front of it that made it a lot easier for me to get in and out of. I also showered in our spare bathroom that has a lower tub than our master bath. Easier to climb in and out of.

    • Pj

      If reaching and bending is going to be a problem, make sure you leave things you may need on the counter.

    • Sutemi

      Add a hand-held shower to your bath if one doesn’t exist already, and consider if adding a grab bar would be helpful. We moved into a house that was an estate sale and had both, and now I consider them essential.

      Try to do some meal prep, or even just stock up on frozen veggies for quick meals.

  10. Anon

    Has anyone built a “green” house? We’re looking for resources to even begin to think about what our options are (solar, geothermal, cost, ROI), and everything we’ve found online is either 1) years out of date 2) absurdly technical and not the right thing for a homeowner considering it, or 3) slick, gimmicky sales that feel like a scam. What are we missing? Any resources to recommend? Thank you!

    • anon

      There are modular options in the PNW that I’ve looked at & liked. But I think if you are looking to DIY/hire a contractor you’re going to have to either find/hire a very specialized professional or do serious research/crunch a lot of numbers yourself.

      • Architect

        LEED certification has nothing to do with greenhouses. I would look for a vendor who builds greenhouses or contractor with experience.

        • Anon

          I took her “green” to mean sustainable. That said, an actual greenhouse is totally on my fantasy list.

    • Colette

      This would be really dependent on the site, general location, and what specific green elements you are looking to include.

      I think the idea of looking around online to get a sense of what generally you’d like to include and then speaking with several architects that specialize in green design to get a sense of cost.

    • Anonymous

      Look up Abundance Eco Village near Vedic City, Iowa. I stayed in one of those houses as a rental when doing some outside consulting work and it was a beautiful home, virtually soundproof due to the building materials, and had some cool features (for example, fully capable of being off grid, lots of specifications for green/eco friendly materials).

  11. Anon

    Can anyone point me to resources on intermittent fasting, specifically related to no snacking between meals and with a focus on female physiology? I came across the idea of no snacking in passing and it intrigued me because I hate snacking anyway (it just never seems to actually satisfy me, but yet still packs in the calories. I do better eating bigger meals). I’m not interested in long fasting windows or other diets, but if anyone has a good website or something to share about the no snacking approach, that would be great so I can learn more.

    • anon

      Forgive me if this sounds dumb, but it sounds like you’ve already figured out that you want to eat bigger meals and not snack. So, can’t you just do that, no plan required?

      • Anonymous

        If you’re looking for support on this, I think French Women Dont Get Fat discusses not snacking.

      • Anon

        I have specifically seen this mentioned in relation to IF, but I can’t remember where (it was some RD on Instagram). I’m looking for guidance related to optimal intervals between meals, information about the impact on insulin production, etc, so more than just taking the step of eating bigger meals. I can obviously do a lot of Googling but there’s so much junk out there and I’d prefer from one of the regular IF posters.

        • Anonymous

          This isn’t intermittent fasting at all though. You don’t need to do any research. Stop eating snacks. Note your hunger levels. If you’re ravenous, you know the preceding meal needs to be bigger.

        • mascot

          You may be conflating a couple of ideas. Intermittent fasting is eating only during a specific window. For most plans generally the eating window is 8 hours or less. But how/what you eat in that time is up to you- you can eat hourly if you want. During your fasting window, you ingest only unflavored water, and black coffee and unflavored/unsweetened tea. (again, lots of variation in opinion on clean fasting vs. a bit of cream in your coffee). This means no diet soda, no sugarless gum, no extra flavors or sweet tastes in your mouth because those can trigger an insulin response. Obesity Code gets mentioned a lot as a resource,
          IF doesn’t work for everyone. If you want more focus on only meals and no snacks, Lean Habits really goes into that so maybe look that up as well. But the folks behind Lean Habits are all about listening to your body’s cues so parts of the intermittent fasting protocols don’t always jive with their philosophy. Overall, I liked a lot of what they recommend and implemented some of that with my IF.

          • anon

            Yeah, from a physiological perspective, the benefits of intermittent fasting don’t kick in unless you actually get into a fasted state. In general you’re talking 6-8 hours before any physiological effect is observed. Not snacking can be helpful if it helps you eat a healthier diet, but it’s not intermittent fasting.

        • Anon

          Thanks for the input. Without snacking, the interval between breakfast and lunch is 6.5 hours for me and it’s about the same for dinner (6-6.5). I think there is still something to consider here regarding possible physiological benefits. I’ll check out Lean Habits and maybe the Obesity Code.

    • Caitlin

      I highly recommend the book “Delay, Don’t Deny” by Gin Stephens. It’s a reader-friendly, non-technical (but with clear scientific resources) tale of one woman’s success with intermittent fasting. It has changed the way I see my body and my relationship with food. I seriously feel free around food for the first time in my 41 years.

  12. Milestone birthday ideas

    My mom turns 70 in January, and my brother and I are trying to come up with ideas for how to celebrate. She has some mobility issues, largely because of a lack of energy (can only walk for about a block at a time), and doesn’t have hobbies. She doesn’t have many friends, and I know she wouldn’t like a party. We didn’t have money growing up, so Mom doesn’t like to do things that feel wasteful to her. Mom lives in the Midwest, but my brother can’t take any time off since it’s the start of his busy season.

    The only idea I’ve come up with so far is a weekend trip somewhere, since Mom loves spending time with us kids. But where? Other ideas?

    • Anonymous

      Chicago, if she’s up for it. If not, an electronic picture frame you can update.

    • anon

      Is your mom willing to travel? By plane? By car? Your mom sounds a lot like my mom and I struggle to figure out things to do with her, especially since I have an active 4 year old. My mom would truly just want to spend time with us. What about a bed and breakfast in a cute small town? Somewhere with nice scenery where you can all hang out but no pressure to be doing a ton of things. Have nice meals, some some site seeing, either short walks on foot or by car.

      • Milestone birthday ideas

        I really like this idea, assuming the weather corporates. She isn’t really in to museums (too much walking), so I don’t think a big city is the way to go. Now to find a small town in Minnesota or Wisconsin or Iowa that is cute in January ..

        She would be fine with flying, she does so a couple of times a year to see me. but given that my brother can’t take any time off work, I can’t think of any places that wouldn’t seem like most of what we did was travel

        • Clementine

          Can you get a direct flight to Ft Lauderdale or Miami and go sit somewhere warm for a few days?

          Florida is Snowbird land. Get a hotel on the beach and you won’t have to walk – just stay at the hotel, warm up by the pool, and generally relax and celebrate your mom.

        • Anon.

          January is tough, but cute small towns in that area:
          – Galena, Illinois (and if you are bringing kiddo – my toddler loved the National Mississippi River Museum/Aquarium across the river in Dubuque, Iowa)
          – New Glarus, Wisconsin
          – Decorah, Iowa

        • Em

          Honey Creek Resort in Moravia, IA. It is super family-friendly (they have an indoor water park) and old-timey yard games, but you can just chill out at the resort, spend time together, and enjoy the activities and scenery.

        • Senior Attorney

          Can you go to where your brother is? You and she can do whatever there is to do there, and then hang out with him after he gets off work?

    • Another anon

      I have parents not dissimilar to this and they really just want us (me and sister) to come to them and spend time together. Even if your brother can’t come now, buy tickets and make a plan for when he can.

  13. Anonome

    Can anyone give me shopping “key word” advice?

    I’m looking to replace a ratty wrap-around sweater I keep in my sub-arctic office. I want something with buttons rather than tying with a belt, at least long enough to cover my backside, and very warm with significant weight to it (no open weave, etc.).

    “Cardigan” is giving me thin, sleek options that would never keep me warm. “Sweater coat” is giving me plaid hippie horse-blanket stuff (and a few items that resemble bathrobes). “Sweater jacket” is giving me sporty-athletic stuff.

    What do I call this thing? The one I’m replacing was bought years ago from a defunct company.

  14. anon

    Any recommendations for a therapist (psychologist or psychiatrist? not sure the difference) in Boston? Ideally someone in Back Bay / South End area who could help with CBT for managing work stress. Familiarity with high pressure corporate environments would be a plus. Thanks in advance!

    • Anonymous

      No recs but you probably don’t want a psychiatrist – they are MDs who can prescribe mediation and don’t often do therapy, but when they do they are $$$.

    • AnonForThis

      Commonwealth Psychology Associates has offices in Back Bay, in the Financial District, and right outside of North Station. I didn’t mesh well with the first couple therapists I met with there, but they do in-office referrals to help you find someone who is a better fit. If it turns out that medication would be helpful for you, they can also refer to one of the psychiatrists or NPs who can prescribe and coordinate with your therapist.

  15. Closet

    Where have you bought your closet? What was the process? My hallway closet and master bedroom closet have no organization, not even a rod. I’m handy enough to install a simple wire system from Home Depot, but this might be an opportunity to install a quality closet system with built-in drawers and a way to optimize the ten-foot ceilings in the closet.

    • Anonymous

      Elfa from the Container Store. Did every closet in our 1940s house and it was a game changer as far as utilization of space. We recently completed a new build, and much to our builder’s chagrin, we opted for Elfa in the new house as well. It’s a system that works for our family, and I like that I can make modifications when our need for a particular space changes (my seven year old daughter’s closet, for example.)

      • Pep

        +1 for Elfa.

        Container Store has twice-yearly sales on the system. They will design something for you, to your specifications.

        I was lucky in that my house came with Elfa Systems already installed by the previous owner; I was able to move some of the parts around and buy/add new ones to customize it to my needs.

    • RR

      The house we bought has those California Closets systems in most of the closets, and they are fantastic. I didn’t go through the process at all, but I do love the result. If I were doing it myself (which I may be for a couple closets), I’d probably start with the Container Store Elfa systems.

    • JTM

      So we originally bought a Closetmaid system from Home Depot, but quickly realized how cheap it is when my husband attempted installation. He wound up calling Closetmaid and they gave him the name of an installer in our area…who made for us an entire system out of better materials and installed it.

      So all that to say – try asking in your local community (NextDoor maybe?) for a local company, you’ll get a better product than using Closetmaid.

    • Ms B

      I use a large local company to do pantries and closets. I chose them after going to a few showrooms to see sample layouts and getting an idea of the quality to price ratio for a few vendors. It pays to shop around and to be flexible about timing (their busy seasons are spring and fall; deep winter brings discounts); ask about quantity discounts if you do three spaces at once or something similar.

      Once I made a choice, I brought in the dimensions of the pantry/closet and a simple pencil drawing of the space (now I probably would just take photos on my phone) to an appointment and the designer gave me options (wire versus white versus wood finish, baskets or corrals, rods versus shelves, accessories, etc.). Once we had a rough drawing, they sent someone out to measure and take into account any potential issues (e.g. lower flooring in pantry versus rest of kitchen, impact of bifold doors, a soffit in one corner, etc.).

      About four weeks later, we set up an appointment day. I pulled everything out of the pantry or closet about a week before, took out existing shelves, etc. (surprisingly easy) and spackled holes and painted (my choice, not a requirement, but you will be surprised how dingy the closet is without anything else in there). On the appointment day, they set the whole thing up in a few hours and cleaned up after themselves. They demonstrated shelf adjustments and I was up and running.

      I liked the company and the results from the pantry in my first house so much, I hired them to do almost the exact same layout in the pantry in my new house and plan to have them finish out a small bedroom into a closet in the next couple years.

    • Senior Attorney

      I used https://www.easyclosets.com/ for my closet in my old house and was really happy with them. They have an online tool where you can save your design and tweak it as necessary. I worked on it for weeks and then they shipped all the parts to me. I hired somebody to install it but if you or your partner are handy you can totally do it yourself.

  16. Anon

    Has anyone tried Freshly? Curious to see if it’s worth it. I’m not sure what the difference is betweenness Freshly and buying bulk frozen meals.

    • Junie

      We did it for a month or two. The difference is that Freshly is higher quality, and not frozen, just refrigerated. We ultimately still ended up cancelling, feeling like it was not worth the $10/meal, especially since, as you point out, you can get frozen meals for half the cost. We are not picky eaters. However, for someone who has a more selective palate who finds frozen meals gross, I could see Freshly being a good option to try. Or someone who is worried about chemicals or other “bad stuff” in frozen meals that Freshly doesn’t have — not something we really care about either.

    • anon

      I did and found the meals to be too high in calories. It was partly the portion size, but also partly because they want them to be tasty over healthy. If you have better will power than I or tend to “eat like a bird”, you might be able to get two lunches out of a single meal.

    • Triangle Pose

      If you’re a size XS in the jardigan, I’ll buy it off you! I’d suggest one of the MM cardigans like the Mary or a wrap before the one you linked, which read very boxy to me.

      • Anonymous

        Nope — I’m a small. I think that this runs pretty small fwiw — I have spindly arms and it is the only thing that has ever been snug in the arm area.

        • Triangle Pose

          I already have it in XS in 2 colors and it fits perfectly. I actually think the jardigan runs big because i was shocked how big the S fit when I tried it on.

          • Anonymous

            I don’t think the St. Ambroeus runs large at all. I am a 0-2 in other brands and the S fits perfectly. The other jardigan style, the big boxy one, is another story.

      • Anonymous

        I have an XS jardigan I never wear – Ecru color, if you are interested in talking more!

        • Triangle Pose

          Ah, I love my Ecru and have it in Navy as well. Looking for black, charcoal grey or regent blue. I’m wearing my navy XS right now over a lavender colored pencil dress. I’m petite so St. Ambroseus only for me, the other jardigan is way to long.

    • Anonymous

      yeah if you are interested you should try Poshmark, people will buy this from you

    • Penny Lane

      it does look a teeny bit boxy. Maybe some of the recommendations for the cardigan-seeker just above you would be more feminine…

    • St. John

      I’m wondering if St. John would work? If you sized it in a store, there are plenty of St. John jackets that aren’t so early 2000s on ebay, etc. Some of them are really pretty. And a wool-blend knit IIRC.

  18. anon

    So, I’m kind of a magazine junkie — in particular Real Simple and shelter magazines. They provide a mental break when I need it, plus are so visually appealing. However, there’s a side effect that I’m becoming more aware of: I don’t realize that something I’m doing is a “problem” until I read something that points it out. This is especially true with cleaning and organizing. Or I get more decorating ideas than I can possibly use in my home and feel angst because I can’t do it all. I can end up going down a rabbit hole to fix a problem, and when I think about it, that is truly crazy-making. What good is taking a break to read a magazine, if it ends up requiring more energy and work from me in the long run? The line is somewhat murky, because I truly do enjoy homemaker-type things, which sounds old-fashioned to admit but whatever. But there’s a fine line between enjoyment and being on a constant hamster wheel of improvement, and it seems that I can cross that line rather easily.

    All this to say — what do I replace these magazines with? I love books but sometimes I just need somewhat mindless material with pretty pictures. I’ve never been one to get caught up in the makeup and beauty mags, but the shelter mags are sort of my kryptonite.

    • Anonymous

      Coffee table books from the library on art and architecture and garden design. You’re not going to suddenly decide you need the gardens of Versailles in your back yard.

    • Anon

      I’m similar to you, preferring mental breaks with pretty pictures, but going into a home improvement rabbit hole when I read something in a magazine. Real Simple was one of the worst for me. This may not help you and it’s super random, but I cancelled all my subscriptions and started watching Vanderpump Rules instead. It’s so trashy and toxic (which I love!) and they travel to pretty places and stay in pretty hotels and I can zone out while I hate-watch. But it’s not like I’m going to be trying to emulate their lives anytime soon, so it’s pretty safe from a “creating more mental tasks” perspective.

    • UHU

      Anime, graphic novels, comics. So much neat stuff, great story lines, not tons of reading, and gorgeous art. An internet search, comics + women yields a lot of potential fun.

    • anon

      Maybe find a couple of DIY blogs that you like but aren’t really your aesthetic so you won’t feel like you have to implement any of it? Or ones that are way to over your budget to be feasible.

      Alternatively or additionally, curate your instagram feed in a way that is pleasing to look at but doesn’t make you feel down on yourself.

    • Anonome

      I curate a r3ddit feed of cool photos. Some subs I love (note that the names are not PG, though the content is clean):

      NatureIsF*ckingLit (animal photography)
      AbandonedP*rn (cool abandoned buildings)
      EarthP*rn (landscape photography)

      Specifically in your genre:

      interiordesignideas
      urbandesign
      architecture

    • anon

      This may not be doable for you, but I quit reading magazines for exactly this reason. I replace the downtime with brain fluff TV, a leisurely walk with my dog and chat with my neighbors, or scrolling through low-stakes social media (think Reddit front page not all pretty vacation or cute kid pictures from friends on facebook or insta). Sometimes just sitting still and looking at the trees out my apartment window is even pretty great.

    • PolyD

      I read magazines like they are missives from some strange, exotic culture that has traditions and practices that are in no way relevant to my life.

      So I read them like, Hmm, this is an interesting thing that this other culture does, rather than, this is a thing I should do.

  19. Paris recs

    I posted this on the weekend thread but am hoping for a few more replies (thanks to the two helpful responders! Ms B, any chance you could provide the link to the Airbnb?!) I’m going to Paris with my two sisters in mid October. I’m looking for hotel recommendations, somewhere all three of us can stay in one room. I’m in my early 30s and they are late 20s. We don’t want to break the bank but want to be able to sleep well. We have all been to Paris before, so aren’t going to be serious sightseers, more just going to enjoy hanging out, eating good food, doing some shopping, and relaxing. Also, would appreciate all of your must dos!

    • Original Moonstone

      I hesitated to post before because it sounded like you only wanted hotels, but I had a really good experience with a company called Vacations in Paris. I used it before AirbnBs were common and because I am really risk averse about vacation accommodations. I want to know that someone will help if there is a problem. The company is based in New Jersey and they were very responsive to all our questions. We liked it because they shipped us the keys before we left so it was easy to arrive at the apartment and just get settled. That said, I agree with the previous poster who pointed out that Paris law says that these kinds of apartment rentals are not really kosher so I hope you get hotel recommendations, as well.

    • Ms B

      I do not have the information from last year saved, but will ask The Hubs and circle around.

    • Anon

      It has been my experience that most European hotels are not set up like American hotels where you can get two queen beds in a room. When we traveled with our teen kids we had to get two rooms.

      You might be better off getting an air b&b

      • meara

        If you search around though, you may be able to find various options. When in Paris this summer, my friends and I found a hotel that worked great for us–one friend and I stayed in a room (2 twin beds in the room) and three other friends (a couple and a single friend) stayed in a room that had one queen and a twin. (The hotel was the Herse d’Or, it was fine other than the steep climb with no elevator to the 4th floor, but the rooms/bathrooms were fine–and we were grateful we’d picked a place with A/C!)

    • Miss Marple

      I stayed at a “quadruple” room with sisters a few years ago at the Hotel Londres et New York. The location is fantastic, next door to a subway stop and near lots of shops and restaurants. The room had two connecting rooms with a two beds and a sofa bed, and since the hotel is not luxurious, the prices were pretty reasonable.

    • CTAtty

      Don’t know if you’re still checking, but I got a triple room at Hotel de la Tour Eiffel when I was in Paris with friends three years ago. It wasn’t fancy, but there was a nice patisserie at the end of the street and it was near the Eiffel Tower. http://www.hotel-toureiffel.com/

  20. Anonymous

    Madrid recommendations? BF and I are thinking of going for a week over New Year’s. We won’t have a car and would prefer to stay in one place for the whole week, but we’re open to day trips to Toledo, etc. We like food, booze, and museums. Thanks, all!

    • Abby

      Toledo was so cool, I highly suggest! My favorite in Madrid is the Mercado de San Miguel, it’s full of tapas bars, we went 3 times because I loved it so much.I’m not a big art fan, but Prado was pretty interesting. I also really liked Retiro park & el rastro is a huge flea market, open Sundays I believe.

      • Anonymous

        I second all of these suggestions. I also went to the Mercado de San Miguel 3 times because I loved it so much! Retiro Park and El Rastro flea market were also two highlights. We also did a free walking tour (you tip the guides) through Sandemans and then booked another (paid) tour with them that took you to several tapas places, which was a lot of fun. I suggest doing the free walking tour early in your trip because it’s helpful to acquaint yourself with the city. We also took a day bus trip to Toledo and Segovia. It’s a long day to do both, but I really enjoyed being able to see both places. I also enjoyed our dinner at Sobrino de Botin. It’s the oldest continuously-operating restaurant in the world and was a favorite of Hemingway (it’s also mentioned in The Sun Also Rises).

    • peachykeen

      We were in Spain in April and did a number of day tours with Devour Tours in various cities. They’re pricy, but I thought each was well worth it– the groups are very small, the restaurants/markets they bring you to are more “local” and the guides are excellent. The Prado tour we did with them was the highlight of the trip- you get let in early and basically have an art history class made up of 15 different works in the museum. Our guide Ewan was amazing. And then you have lunch at Le Botin which is a very old-school style restaurant that on the day we went was completely sold out (but Devour has a standing reservation).
      I personally think a week in Madrid is too long, so I would definitely plan on a day trip to Toledo. If you decide you’re up for something more, their high-speed rail was nice and a really easy way to get to other cities.

    • SMC - San Diego

      I was in Madrid last March. We also did a tapas tour that we booked through AirBnb but you can book directly through their website (google Food Lover Tour). I have a whole list of restaurants (largely based on that tour) if you want recommendations – just let me know. Eat ALL of the food and drink ALL of the wine. Both were amazing.

      I realize that flamenco is Madrid is pretty touristy, be we went to a show at Casa Patas and it was a lot of fun. We also really liked Retiro Park and the Botanical Garden.

      If you are a museum person, think about the Paseo de Arte. It saves a little bit of money and a lot of time standing in line. I loved the museums but could have skipped the Palace and the Cathedral, although the garden next to the palace was very nice. One note – oddly the museums were much less crowded on weekends because of school tours. I really wished we had done the Prado on a Saturday.

      We did an overnight in Toledo to avoid some of the crowds by seeing things at night. It was well worth it. It is a quick 30 minute train ride, there are some cute little hotels, and walking around the city late at night was fantastic. Just be sure to wear really comfortable shoes.

    • KQ

      Just honeymooned in Spain this past March. I agree with another commenter that one week in Madrid may be too long. We were there for 3 days and that was plenty.

      Suggest taking the bullet train to Sevilla. Loved sevilla much more than Madrid.

      Highly suggest 1862 dry bar for drinks in Madrid. Owner is amazing. Also if y’all are brewery fans, there aren’t many, but Frabrica Maravillas is great (albeit small).

  21. anon

    Can anyone recommend a therapist in SF? I’m struggling and I can’t get hold of the therapist I went to years ago.

    • Sallyago

      Psychiatric Alternatives has a lot of great folks. My psychiatrist is Brockwell and he’s awesome. I saw Steve Orma as my therapist and really liked him too. I’m now seeing East Bay practitioners through them.

  22. EMDR

    Can anyone here speak to their experience with EMDR? Did it work for you? How many sessions are needed? Is it hard to find someone who does this (I’m assuming it’s beyond a regular therapist). Is this just to help cope with a traumatic event or can it be helpful if a personal conflict is stressing you out majorly?

    • LSC

      I have done it for both discreet events and general personal conflicts. It totally worked. I was surprised by the experience; it brought up a lot for me. I am very pleased overall with the results. The number of sessions depends heavily on the person. For the most part, I was able to finish up in 3-5 sessions. You definitely want to use an expert, and you’ll need to establish trust with that person before you get started. I was definitely skeptical going in, but I highly recommend the process.

    • AnonInfinity

      I tried EMDR for general anxiety, depression, and burnout several years ago and hated it. My understanding of the research at that time was that it was mostly shown to help people with PTSD type symptoms. The reason I tried it was that a friend recommend a therapist to me, and I didn’t know that’s what she specialized in. I did give it a sincere try for a few sessions but did not find that it helped me. I much prefer cognitive behavioral therapy or just talk therapy.

    • Anon for this

      I had great success with EMDR, dealing with both past traumas and current conflicts. It took me about 6 sessions to work through everything I needed, and they were intense. I found it much more effective but also very emotionally draining. Where talk therapy is more like digging at your issues with a teaspoon, EMDR is like bringing in a backhoe and digging it all up at once.

  23. GCinFlats

    Launching my first threadjack here – if anyone else feels 1000% fed up, done, finished with other people’s BS and nonsense, and ready to pop, how do you handle it? I just turned 50, run a North American department in a company, am married, and my 50th birthday gift to self may have been absolute inability to take “baloney” from anyone any longer. Like, I am fed up and done with other people’s nonsense, snark, nattering, neediness, inability to do their jobs, etc. I am also 1000% fed up and done with any/all of the expectations about what a women is or does that I encounter (chiefly, being pretty and sexy and pleasing at all times, or obsessing about my house, yard, garden enough to make my mother happy or focused on big house/big car/big jewels/surface appearances enough to make my dad feel vicarious status). I’d like to push most of my colleagues into a vault and lock the door. I’m sick of my husband’s snark. I am TOTALLY FED UP with my childish, narcissistic parents and whatever the nonsense of the day is with them. Stop talking to me, stop bothering me, all of you. Go away. I AM DONE. I’m finding that I don’t really want another life – and I absolutely do not want another man (ONE IS ENOUGH) – but I’d like pretty much everyone currently in my life out for good and on mute thereafter. My own apartment, remote cabin in the mountains, or hermit’s cave, would be just fine. I’m not sure I’d miss anyone at this point. I would like a few pets.

    Common phase of the fed up female’s midlife crisis? Anyone else? Wondering when I start dragging things into the front yard and setting them on fire (could be soon!).

    • Anonymous

      Maybe actually do the vacation at a remote cabin in the mountains? That’s pretty doable and might bring you some peace. Hermit Cave thing is less likely to be available on AirBNB. Or if you don’t want mountains, try Fogo Island, Newfoundland. https://fogoislandinn.ca/

      Day to day, exercise helps me get the RAWRs out. Recommend trail running if you need solo outdoor time.

    • Anon

      I’m glad you got your rant out. Now what can you actually do to make yourself feel better cause you obviously can’t do the exaggerated options you mentioned.

    • Flats Only

      When I have felt as you describe it’s been an indicator that I’m getting depressed. Medication in tiny doses helped. Try a solo break of some sort – rent that cabin and see if 2 weeks there lightens your mood. If not consider that something may be going on in your head that you need to resolve. Remember, if everyone’s an idiot it’s probably you that’s acting like a jerk. That’s not a good look at the office for someone with your responsibilities – your co-workers and subordinates will quickly figure out you’ve turned into a crazy old lady, and your career will suffer probably more than you’d like it to. Outside the office you can continue to be that jerk, but don’t be surprised when people get sick of you.

      • GCinFlats

        I disagree that I’ve been a jerk because I’m a “do your job, endure in professional silence” type – but I think I’ve been too tolerant too long (in my family for sure – husband needs to cut the snark and I just need to stop being in a position where I have to listen to my mother’s nonsense and attempts to spin whatever argument she had at The Club into a new victim narrative that also brings in a story about her “Daddy” and how the world didn’t appreciate him enough, etc.). I do suspect that a lot of this rage is the nice, responsible person who always did her duty now wanting everyone else to drop dead and/or do their own. I’m annoyed with colleagues because I’m so sick and tired of the people in my life needing, needing, needing, needing, taking and never doing or appreciating (which is why I would not miss them).

        • Anon

          When everyone in your life annoys you, you are the problem, not them.

          You’re 50. You should have stopped listening to your mother’s nonsense sometime during the Clinton Administration. It’s not your colleague’s job to appreciate you; that comes in the form of the money deposited into your bank account every other week. You need to learn to communicate constructively with your husband.

        • Anon

          I’m confused about why it bothers you that your mother wants to reminisce about her father? I love hearing my mom talk about my grandad. It’s perfectly ok if you don’t enjoy listening, or don’t have time or the inclination to listen… but I think it’s nice that your mom has loving memories of her own father. You don’t owe it to her to listen, though– but that’s a boundary issue for you.

          In fact, everything you’ve described sounds like a boundary issue: husband, parents, and colleagues. If your colleagues keep “needing, needing, needing,” and the things they need are not part of your job, stop doing them. If they are part of your job… then that’s your job.

          • GCinFlats

            My issue is that mom’s family was alcoholic and abusive, and the warm stories are about how he had an affair, or took her to the strip club when she was 21 so she could see how the “pretty women” looked, and all of this makes him The Most Fascinating Man in the World. So done with that craziness. I don’t consider those to be loving memories. Enmeshed and codependent, sure. Be glad you have a saner family.

          • Anonymous

            I respect where you’re coming from but this is continuing because you are allowing it to continue. It took me a long time and a couple of hard lessons to learn that for my own life, but it is the truth. My mom continued to call me when she was drunk to belittle and guilt me because I allowed that to continue. My family members took advantage of me because I allowed that to continue. My husband wouldn’t present a united front in front of our son because I allowed that to continue. Once I started setting boundaries and telling people, this is the behavior I will accept and this is the behavior that will get your phone number blocked on my phone (or whatever the consequence was), guess what? I had to block a few phone numbers (I haven’t talked to my mom in months) but my life got calmer and more peaceful, and I felt better about who I was and who I had participating in my life. You aren’t upset because everyone in your life is an idiot. You’re upset because you’ve allowed yourself to be a doormat and you keep expecting that somehow, someday, one day the people you love are going to look up and see you are in pain and think, “Wow! I really need to treat GCinFlats better! She is suffering and she doesn’t deserve that!” Guess what? That’s never going to happen. The people in your life who use and abuse you will continue to use and abuse you until you put a stop to it. Stopping it will be painful in some ways but tremendously liberating in others. But you’re the only one who can make that change. Sitting around wishing and hoping that people will shape up and start treating you with the respect you deserve has not worked to this point, and it will not work in the future. I highly recommend seeing a coach or therapist who can help you figure out what good boundaries look like and how you can communicate them.

    • Trixie

      I have no advice. I think women often feel like this after years of attending to mountains of externals demands, many of which you name. Maybe it is time to buy yourself a little condo in a pretty place for solo getaways, or bookmark a pretty airbnb and go there often. Stop doing anything you can think of that is an imposition–it will take guts. Tell your parents to lay off, stop coloring your hair/wearing make up/wearing high heels–what ever you hate the most. Time to practice doing what you want and living by your own values.

    • ElisaR

      it sounds like you’re letting other people affect you too much. i realize that’s easily said but after I turned 40 I just found myself paying less attention or getting less riled up by other people. roll your eyes if you must, then move on.

    • Anon

      Hi there, it sounds like you’re 50. Welcome! And happy birthday.

      And why should you put up with other people’s BS anyway?

      I laughed so hard when you said you do not want another man, ONE IS ENOUGH. Because I know exactly what you mean.

      If this helps, and I have nothing to back it up, a friend who was going through a divorce in her 40s and was broken down about it said she couldn’t wait to be older, because as we age we gradually lose the hormones that make us nurturing, and it means we are less motherly to our mates. She was looking forward to this as a sort of hormonal Independence Day.

      I’m 54. My husband also drives me up a wall sometimes and I find a good dose of ignoring him goes a long way. I rarely miss anything I really need to know.

      Read some Nora Ephron, specifically I Feel bad about My Neck. I think you will get a kick out of it.

      Keep on keeping on with your bad self!!

    • Anon

      Er, no? I like my colleagues and think they’re smart. I agree that the demands placed on women is irritating and overwhelming, but I don’t dislike everybody in my life. I hope that as a leader of a department that you’re not making your people feel stupid.

      • GCinFlats

        I would never make my team feel stupid, that is completely unacceptable. The job comes first. Duty comes first. Responsible, proper, exemplary performance of duty comes first. I come last – because fulfilling my duty and my responsibility comes first. Probably one reason that I’m so pissed off!

        I am, however, now comfortable with telling family members (the ones who are repeat offenders at making things up, being needy, etc.) that they are being irrational, not making sense, speaking with no substantiation for what they have to say, or otherwise out of line and putting a fast end to nonsense. They hate it but it is a boundary I should have put up, hard, at age 20. Most satisfying development in my life to add this boundary.

        • anon

          …look, like can suck and there are many expectations placed on women, but this sounds like a you problem, not an everybody else problem. You didn’t establish good boundaries – that’s your fault, not theirs. If you’re going to be mad at someone, be mad at yourself. Or maybe figure out what you need to do to convert all this anger and sense of victimhood to something more positive.

        • Eh

          Ok, we all have jobs. We all have to do our duty at our jobs. That doesn’t mean we come last… but if you don’t like your job, maybe it’s not the right job for you. You seem to dislike it.

    • Monday

      I also frequently walk around disgusted with just about everyone and everything. For me, it’s a symptom of depression. Things are infuriating, but I also need to cope better and find perspective. Take that for whatever it’s worth…

    • Anon

      I feel like this too and I’m only 30. I’m on the alert to see if this might be indicative of depression (irritability is a symptom), but mostly, I’m just so done with dealing with socially stunted adults who can’t look up from their phones ever and my needy friends and my husband when he’s looking for me to suggest something for us to do instead of coming up with ideas himself. When it gets bad, I focus on my solo hobbies and am working on being less reactive to every little annoyance. It’s really hard though.

    • anon

      I don’t know if this is an age 50 thing because I distinctly remember feeling like this at various points throughout my 20s (including during college). For me I think I was just unhappy with I where my life was at the time. And I frequently joked but not really about moving to a deserted island by myself. I’m now much more satisfied with my life and don’t have those feelings anymore. So read your gut or whatever you have to do to make some changes to make you happier. And consider that a therapist could help you sort out some of these thoughts.

    • Lobbyist

      So I turned 50 this year too. Got divorced at 48. Left my job and opened up my own practice at 48. I get enough sleep, exercise often, eat pretty well, and don’t feel irritated with the world. Its not that my life is all great — my ex H moved out of of the country so I have virtually no help with my kids, both of my teens have had issues this year, sometimes work colleagues are less than helpful, my job can be stressful, my mom has dementia and is declining. But because I made choices to have the life that I do, I realize that I made a choice to be where I am now and that, if I wanted to, I could make a different choice. And therefore I can’t be annoyed (or rather I can but when I am I realize and stop) at other people for my choices, its my decision and my life. I applaud you for not putting up with other people’s BS but, respectfully, you have chosen your job, your husband, your friends, whomever these people are that are annoying you. And you can choose differently if you wish to. Good luck. You deserve to have a good life and be happy about it. If you don’t, l urge you to make changes — either in your life or your attitude.

    • Original Moonstone

      We are about the same age and the thing that is wearing me down the MOST is that I can see the future in a way I could not in my 30s because I have a lot more experience (especially at work) and it’s very frustrating to have to have the same discussions/arguments over and over again. My colleagues are never going to say, “Hey, you are right about this thing you’ve been right about 100 times previously.” They are going to obstruct and posture and try to push the work on someone else. I try to be grateful to have a good job but that kind of thing is just exhausting. And it happens at home, too, so it’s a real struggle to be patient. But the trick is to not let those interactions make you mad because then you are the one paying the price. Anyway, take a weekend away from everyone and see if that helps.

    • anon

      You sound exactly like my mom (early 50s). OTOH, she was divorced in her 20s and has mostly been single since–says now she never wants to date again and I believe her. And my grandparents are straight-up crazy. And with so many demands and so much hard work to make ends meet, she’s never connected with many lasting friendships.
      So what to do? Dunno. Other than drop the ball in some ways. My lawn only gets mowed every couple weeks (also a strongly held environmental belief) but now my next-door neighbor actively hates me and regularly threatens legal action.

    • PolyD

      Welcome to the rage phase of peri/menopause!

      I think I don’t feel quite as extreme as you, but I do feel like, I’ve tried to play be the rules and be easy-going and lowish maintenance and where has that gotten me??

      I don’t know how to solve this, but exercise does help. As does being judicious about socializing – I have an SO but no kids, so it’s easier for me to get alone time, but I’m finding that friends I happily would spend time with a year or so ago… well… I need them in smaller doses. And that’s me, not them. So I just try not to pack my social calendar too much. I’m also teleworking a little more than I used to, although still at a rate lower than most of my colleagues.

      I’ve also been playing patriarchy chicken – I am really, really tired of being the one to duck out of the way for (especially) men or for big groups of people who take up the whole metro platform. I’m not big and I’ve gotten bumped/slammed a couple of times, but my, is it satisfying being the one who’s “in the way” every once in a while!

      • Anonymous

        So much yes to being tired of being the one expected to duck out of the way for the patriarchy. I have almost slammed into so many men (and only men!) lately in the hallways of my office building because they absolutely expect me to move to the side rather than them. And I’m not f*cking doing it anymore.

      • Formerly Lilly

        Oh dear heaven, my new favorite game. Patriarchy Chicken. Thank you!

        • PolyD

          Probably too late, but I totally manspread on chairs at big events now, too. No more crossing the legs to be smaller, although I do find it a bit more comfortable to sit that way.

    • Anon

      No advice but I am certain this has nothing to do with age. I’m 36 and have been feeling similar. When my husband is depressed, I pick up the slack because he’s useless. When he’s not depressed I pick up the slack because we’re moving some place new or he’s got a cool new job with tons of hours. It’s been oscillating like this for the last 12 years. When does someone pick up the slack for me? Or I’m just gonna be the backstop forever. No, thanks, I am also done.

      • Anonymous

        Ok get the divorce you should have gotten ten years ago then. Refuse to move with him.

    • Anon

      I’m going to take a slightly different approach to this and agree that there is – particularly in certain companies – something uniquely challenging about being a female attorney.

      I work in a traditional company (but a large, publicly-traded one). Men get a pass for almost everything. Seriously. My boss makes jokes about prostitutes. But as a working mom (one of the only ones in my department) I am treated as lacking because the job isn’t my only obligation.

      At my company, the attorneys are pretty close to the top of the organization. Theoretically, this means our advice should carry a lot of weight. But there is just so much nonsense that is tolerated. And the message I am given is to tone down my approach and not make people who are not doing their jobs feel bad. To be more cheerful and accommodating (which is not advice my male colleagues ever receive). My client groups respect me but it has been a much harder fight to get the basic level of respect that is simply handed to men.

      I am also in the thick of child rearing – which it sounds like does not apply to you – and all the expectations that come with that.

      Some companies are tougher for women. My friend works at a similar company and her extremely well paid job is basically to baby the CEO and all the male executives who can’t remember what time which meeting is and what the dress code is for which event and why don’t they have those other pens that they really like. While this isn’t her job title, it is effectively her job. The women executives have none of these problems.

      My husband has also been a source of frustration, but it’s honestly much better – partially due to counseling but mostly due to me saying, “here is what is what I need from you and if you do not feel that you are able to do these things (equal help with household running, including mental labor, providing emotional support, being an adult human in the world responsible for things to the same extent that I am) then that is your choice but I will not be able to stay married to you.”

      My advice would be to pick one area of frustration and work on it. And also find something you enjoy just for yourself. And consider whether you need treatment for depression/anxiety.

      My marriage is important, so I focused on that with the goal of improvement or getting out.

      I plan on retiring early, so I (sometimes unsuccessfully) try to focus on the good at my job (hours, pay) and let the bad go.

      It’s hard being angry at the world – even if the world deserves it. Start small, start with you and good luck

      • Ellen

        You sound very smart, and others should listen to you. Men are such $hit’s, and if it weren’t for the fact that we need their sperm and their money to raise children, I think most of us would not even get, let alone stay married to them. FOOEY! Why can’t we get a man who will just be normal, provide support, occasional good $ex and companionship? I would even do the dishes and the laundry if I could find such a man, but trust me, they don’t exist! DOUBEL FOOEY!

    • Ms B

      Right there with you, sister. Same age range and realizing that I have reached the NFG stage of oh so many things. Taking a couple days or even weeks off does not solve the problem because you are only one piece of it; changing others’ expectations and reactions is a slow process and also somewhat beyond our control, especially with family.

      That said, no reason not to make the boundaries clear. At least some of the people will get on the bus at some point and that will help.

      Example: The ILs started bringing their own towels when they visit (did I mention that they visit every month for at least three nights?) after I remarked that I did not agree that they were the world’s biggest helpers. I think they thought they would shame me, but instead I laugh about it and am glad to avoid the laundry!

      Example 2: I have a partner who stopped telling me to “smile” after I told him that if we all were entitled to demand personal improvement from each other aside from job performance, then I had a few things to say about his wardrobe choices. The annoying remarks have stopped.

      • GCinFlats

        You are my heroine – did you also tell Ex 2 partner that he needed to trim his ear and nose hair? I have worked with so many of those…

        • Ms B

          No, body hair guy was one of my first grandbosses. Never mentioned that issue to him, but when he remarked on the age and condition of my car, I did let him know that I would be happy to upgrade if only I had gotten my promised raise on time instead of it being torpedoed to meet “budget requirements”.

      • NOLA

        In some ways, you sound like me. When a guy who wants to date me starts criticizing little things about me (I text too much, I take selfies, blah blah blah), I just say, you know what, you don’t have to date me if you don’t like how I am. Moving on! A friend reminded me about the Dua Lipa song “Blow Your Mind.” Perfect for these occasions.

    • Also raging

      Right there with you. I’m 54 and the rage started after I had a hysterectomy. A wonderful, post-50 friend told me that I would SO rage, and that she would be right there and would back me up. “Just don’t do something that you end up in jail,” she said. And knowing that that’s where the line is has helped.
      Also the HIIT rides on a stationery bike.

    • Anonymous

      The rage ends and there is calm on the other side. Don’t do anything drastic between now and then.

    • No Problem

      I’m a chunk younger than you and not married but completely understand what you’re saying. The desire to give life a giant FU is always simmering under the surface.

      I’d suggest a week or two at Canyon Ranch or some other resort/spa place, or a yoga/wellness retreat. A cabin by yourself in the woods would also be great, but perhaps some structure and some massages would be a nice addition :) Get out in nature, shut off your email on your phone, and do something creative like a painting class or pottery class. A vacation isn’t going to solve anything, but it can give you the head space to dial back the stress and really center on feeding yourself instead of feeding others.

      Some people are saying you’re the problem if you feel this way about everybody, but I don’t think that’s necessarily true. Do you have high standards? Yes, but not unreasonably so. Set aside some time during your vacation to think and journal about specific things you want to change. Create new ground rules for staff interaction. No more bringing you problems without solutions. If something is going to be late, you expect someone to just tell you, not require you to hound them for that report. That sort of thing. Create new ground rules for interacting with your family. Tell your husband that you can’t handle the snark anymore (or it may exist but be limited to subjects A, B, and C) and you will not engage with him when he is snarky. Tell your mom that you don’t want to hear about subjects X and Y anymore and then hang up on her when she starts in. Tell dad you are in fact happy with the status of your car and jewelry and unless he’s planning to buy you something, he needs to shut his trap. And also decide what isn’t important – there are undoubtedly things you stress about that would in theory be great if they ran smoothly, but they just don’t really matter. Let those go.

      And also? It could be some depression talking. Worth a visit to your PCP to talk about some low dose meds and therapy to deal with all the crazies in your life.

      Hang in there.

    • Anonymous

      Super late to reply but I SOO relate to the sentiment I had to respond!

      I was always a people pleaser – for years. Alcoholic mom who would leave ranting crazy messages but who also needed help (with doctors, shopping, putting gas in her car!). And I put up with everything- and I think that habit draws more “needy” behavior and needy people to you.

      My mother passed 2 yrs ago and as awful as it may sound it was like a big weight was gone- but I suddenly had zero tolerance for excessive demands from ANYONE.

      No real advice except remember to appreciate the people who are pluses in your life, make quicker decisions (if you want and can say no to something do it right away, don’t waste your energy weighing all options on unimportant issues). And have some FUN. My therapist told me I needed to plan more fun things and I rolled my eyes but – who knew- she was right! I took up a new hobby & got a puppy (best decision ever)

      To those saying you’re the problem if you have complaints about everyone else- maybe. But not always… You truly do put energy , positive or negative, out in the world & being in a constant state of accommodating everyone else’s needs draws more negativity and demands ime.

      Life is short-term don’t be an a-hole to people , don’t work a job you hate, but do what you like if it’s not destructive. Don’t spend time on things just because you’ve always done them or with people who don’t add to your life.
      Tomorrow is not promised kind of thing – I relish time alone & think it’s highly underrated

  24. Boyfriend thinks I’m unattractive

    Over the last couple of weeks I noticed my long-term boyfriend pulling away – he stopped making physical contact (of any kind – no kiss hello or goodbye, no hugs, refused to hold my hand, sat on opposite ends of the couch) and didn’t respond to my own attempts to initiate contact. Finally this weekend it came to a head and we got into an argument after we went out for dinner and made no physical contact, and then I went to go to bed and he didn’t follow. I broke down and told him that my weight was bothering me and I have gained some weight since we started dating (about 5-7 lbs at the most) and I felt terrible about myself lately, and his being so physically distant made me feel worse. He got relieved and told me that he was less s*xually attracted to me than he was when we started dating and my weight and gain was a big part of it, which is why he’s stopped wanting to be intimate with me. I have always struggled with self-esteem and shame over my weight since childhood, and this weekend I told him all about that and why what he said hurt me so deeply. He has apologized and begged me not to break up with him over this but I’m just not sure I will ever be able to feel comfortable with him again; I’m ashamed to eat in front of him and I don’t know how I can be physically intimate with him, at least for a long time, knowing that he feels/has felt that way about me. For the record, I’ve asked my doctor about losing weight and she has told me that from a medical perspective she is happy with my weight, but losing for my own personal and aesthetic reasons is medically okay, and I’m working on developing new strategies, including working with a nutritionist and joining weight watchers.
    Question – should I try to work through this with him or is it a dumpable offense?

    • anon

      5-7 pounds is NOTHING. This dude is less attracted to you because of a measly 5-7 pounds, which still puts you in the normal range, from the sounds of it? There’s something bigger going on here than weight; seems like that’s providing him a nice scapegoat. Bottom line: Dump him. What’s the end game here?

      • Never too many shoes...

        Totally agree. 5 – 7 pounds is pre-menstrual bloat for some people.

        Boy, bye.

      • Anon

        +1. That is such a small number, and a crazy reason to not find someone you love attractive. I would dumb him, if for no other reason that I don’t want to spend my life worried that he will no longer love me when I gain weight in middle age like most people do, when I gain weight during pregnancy or breastfeeding, if I gain weight from stress or some health issue.

        • Anon

          When I was younger, I was a firm believer that it’s a waste of time to be in a relationship with a man who is that obsessed about looks, because women age and gain weight. Pregnancy does a number on the body.

          Now that I’m older and pregnant? DO NOT EVER EVEN DATE SOMEONE WHO HAS ISSUES WITH SMALL WEIGHT GAIN. Pregnancy is physically *and emotionally* hard. Your body gets destroyed in the service of your family. This thing also happens wherein even the most self-assured woman can become rather thin-skinned re: the changes to her body. I literally do not talk to a family member who got smarmy about the one pound (at the time) weight I gained around my abdomen in the first trimester. If a man does not still love you to the bottom of his heart, and think that your changing, bloated, ever-largening body is still lovely and appealing, you will be beyond miserable. And you will be carrying his child with no way out until the due date.

          Sorry… that might have been a bit strident.

      • Anonymous

        +1! That’s not even a clothing size. I would be shocked if anyone can actually notice.

        • Anon

          I completely agree with everyone who says the boyfriend is an a$$ and there’s much more going on here than any weight OP may or may not have gained. But 5-7 pounds can totally be a clothing size, especially on a small frame.

      • Worry about yourself

        I gained at least 10 lbs (maybe 15, can’t remember my weight from when we got together) over the course of my relationship*, and you as far as I can tell, it has never impacted my boyfriend’s love for me or his attraction to me. He tells me I’m sexy almost every night when we get ready for bed. When you get into a long-term relationship, your lifestyle changes, your eating habits change, your fitness routine might change, and it’s not great, but it happens. And as you age, your body is going to change! Body parts sag, wrinkles appear, hair turns grey, and there’s only so much we can be expected to do to hold back those changes! Don’t waste your time with someone who expects you to look like a supermodel forever.

        *I am working on it. I’ve lost some of the weight but I’m still hovering on that normal/overweight BMI cusp. It’s hard, but I’ve found some healthy foods I like and some fun workouts, and he’s also working to improve his health through exercise and better eating. It’s a personal choice though, not something I’m going to preach to everyone worried about a little weight gain.

      • Ellen

        Agreed. Who is this schmoe, anyway:
        a) Tom Brady?
        b) Brad Pit?
        c) George Cloney? or
        d) none of the above.

        If you selected (d), none of the above, DTMFA! 5-7 pounds gain is truly nothing, unless you started at 30 lbs, which you obviously did not, b/c if you did, you would only be 7 years old, and you would then be way to young to even have a boyfreind, let alone be sleeping with him!
        No, this a-wipe guy is a total loser, and you should get rid of him immedieately! FOOEY on men who blame us for gaining a few pounds while he is likely going bald and has a beer gut, or will within 5 years!

    • Anonome

      I can fluctuate by five pounds over a few days, and I’m not a large person. If that amount of weight is affecting how this guy feels about you, you have bigger problems.

      • Anon

        Right? Five pounds can easily be water retention. I typically lose almost five pounds when my period starts because I was so bloated beforehand. I can’t even imagine my huband noticing, let alone caring, let alone not wanting to be affectionate anymore, which to me is the biggest red flag of all (even if he doesn’t want to rip your clothes off, he should still want to hold your hand!) DUMP HIM!

    • Anon.

      Break up. Run far, far away from this guy. Five pounds is a totally insignificant amount of weight – I don’t know of any men who would even notice it much less be rude enough to mention it. Hell, many folks wouldn’t even notice 5 pounds on themselves! That’s normal period bloat here. Either he’s utterly superficial, or there’s something else that he’s too chickenshit to bring up and he’s trashing your feelings in the process.
      He’s rude and his behavior is triggering eating-disordery thoughts for you. I don’t usually comment on relationship threads, but this is total DTMFA territory.

    • Anonymous

      DTMFA — bye boy. 5-7 lbs and he’s pulling away? This makes me so ragey. What happens if you have a baby or, you know, grow older and gain 5-7 lbs again later on? This sounds like his problem, not yours. I’m sure you are amazing and beautiful.

    • Monday

      This is a very sad post. 7 lbs (max), no concern from your doctor, and he no longer has any interest in intimacy? Are you also not allowed to get wrinkles or grow gray hairs? Is he going to continue forever looking exactly the same as he did when you met?

      Picture spending the rest of your life obsessing over every pound, or other body change, because you know your partner’s affection depends on it.

    • Anonymous

      He’s lying to you. 5-7 pounds would be barely noticeable! Also wouldn’t a hug feel good no matter how much you weighed? He’s using the excuse you gave him so he doesn’t have to be honest with you about what’s really going on.

      You are better than this.

      • Anonymous

        This. He doesn’t want to be the one to end it so he’s being a jerk. He just latched onto the reason that you suggested.

        • Worry about yourself

          That’s entirely possible. Or he’s been losing his attraction and when she brought up her weight gain he was like “aha, weight gain, that must be the reason!”

        • Anonymous

          Yep.
          OP, there’s something else going on here that he’s not telling you. It’s not about you, it’s about him. You gave him a convenient out and he took it. I would break up with him just because he’s not being honest with you. Don’t beat yourself up – sometimes sparks just go out. There is probably nothing you can do or could have done about what’s happening now.

      • Anonymous

        THIS!!! It sounds like he may be cheating or at least flirting with the notion of breaking up and is using your vulnerability that you revealed to him in trust as an excuse, which is incredibly mean. He is NOT withholding physical affection because you gained 5-7 lbs. It would be terrible if he was, of course, but it is as bad if not worse that he is LYING and blaming you for an issue that is clearly his own.

    • Anonymous

      Break up with him immediately and spend some quality time in therapy. On no planet does gaining 5-7 pounds make you unattractive.

    • Anon

      DTMFA. 5-7 pounds is nothing. He’s in your life because you’re not yet at the point wherein you know what an a-hole he is and that you absolutely deserve better.

    • DTMFA

      Holy mother of god, DTMFA. What a terrible thing to make someone feel over 6 f-ing pounds.

    • Anon

      He is using your weight gain as an excuse to push you away – you gave him a reason and he’s latching onto it, because he is too much of a coward to admit that he is on his way out of the relationship for reasons completely unrelated to any weight gain. 5-7 lbs is nothing in terms of weight gain and is barely noticeable on the average person’s frame so I promise you that that is not it. DO NOT let a man who is too much of a coward to break up with you allow you to take the blame for his issues. This is not a you thing, this is absolutely a him thing.
      I had this happen where the guy stopped being affectionate, blamed lack of attraction, pulled away emotionally, and tried to beat down my self esteem, then proceeded to tell me he’d been wanting to break up for a year. Strung me along because he was too scared and intimidated by me (I was doing well in life with finishing grad school and had a job lined up and he was stumbling along at the time). Do not let him mess with your self-esteem only for you to lose the weight and he still has the same issues – because it’s not you. If your doctor thinks your weight is fine, then you are not overweight – especially with the the narrow range of weight to height regardless of body type that many doctors follow.

      • Senior Attorney

        Oh this, so much.

        I married that guy TWICE.

        The second time I actually had weight loss surgery and guess what? When I got thin and hot he still found reasons to be a d!ck to me.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      Your boyfriend sounds like a real jerk to me, but the important thing is that he does not spark joy *for you*. Please thank him for helping you realize you need a partner who respects your feelings and your body, and then THROW. HIM. OUT.

      I’m also kind of concerned about your own reaction to your “weight gain,” though. 5-7lb is just noise (from the scale, your clothes, water, food, going to the bathroom, let alone natural fluctuation over the course of your menstrual cycle), and joining WW doesn’t sound like a healthy approach, even if you don’t need the weight for physical wellness. Can you spend that time and money on counseling instead, or even an at-home CBT workbook, to help you find peace with your body?

      • Worry about yourself

        For real, a partner should spark joy. If for some reason they’re not sparking joy, end it so you can both find someone better. I wish I knew this when I was 20.

    • Anon

      I agree with everyone else that 5-7 pounds is nothing. However, even if it were significantly more weight, I think it’s terrible for him to make you feel this way. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this!

      Speaking from experience, I’ve gained 60ish pounds since my husband and I first started dating, and while I feel insecure about myself at times and want to lose weight for health reasons (and vanity), I don’t think I could be with my husband if he contributed to me feeling bad about myself. This is not a person you can do life with. I would break-up with him.

      • Anonymous

        Yes! I gained about 40 pounds after we got married related to medical issues. I have since lost it but at no point – EVER – did my husband make me feel bad about my body or make it seem like he was any less attracted to me because of it. Life happens and bodies change. I agree with the others that I am doubtful this is really about a 5-7 pound weight gain, but pretending for a second that it is, that does not sound like a person I would want to age with.

    • Anonymous

      I value honesty, so I wouldn’t have been mad at him for opening up to me. I would have still been upset but not because of what he said. Unpopular opinion, I know.

      • Anonymous

        but he’s lying tho. We all “value honesty” too, you’re not unique. He didn’t tell her anything, gave her the silent treatment, and when she suggested an issue he used that because it was convenient. It’s not like he came up to her and was all “I know I’m shallow but this millimeter your waist has gained has totally tanked my boner, what do?” He’s lying.

        • Anon

          Yeah this is clearly a lie. Can you be legitimately less attracted to someone who gains 30 pounds? Sure. But her weight gain was practically nothing, and it’s not just that he isn’t as s*xually attracted to her, he’s cutting her off emotionally and withholding warmth and affection, which should have nothing to do with her appearance or his physical attraction to her. It sounds like emotional abuse/manipulation to me, honestly.

        • Anonymous

          I don’t think he’s lying. It’s not her weight per se that is the issue, it’s her perception of it being such a big deal that could be very unattractive.

    • Anonnn

      I’m sorry, what?! I’m up 20# after kid #1 and she’s 16 months old. What happens in that scenario down the road? Is he just not going to touch you? 5-7 lbs is the difference between whether I had Mexican for dinner last night + water retention/sodium intake.

      RUN AWAY. This is not a partner that you’d want for life and all of it’s seasons.

    • Anon

      He could go bald. You could gain weight. If these things cause major issues in your relationship, you should break up. Neither of you is going to be hot for the rest of your life.

    • Anonymous

      5-7 pounds? Girl, lose this piece of human trash. You can do so much better.

      You can’t be with someone like this long term, as he clearly can’t weather life’s ups and downs with you. And don’t even contemplate getting pregnant!

    • Anonymous

      5-7lbs?! Absolutely get rid of this guy. He’s going to be one of those guys grossed out if you ever get pregnant, upset with the natural weight gain of aging, etc. That is not unconditional love. You can do better.

    • Junie

      Literrrrrrally nooooooooo one could tell you gained 7 lbs. That’s insaneo. Dump him for sure. Goodness.

    • anon

      How tall are you? I ask because I’m short and very tiny over all, so 5-7 lbs makes a bigger difference in how I perceive my appearance than it might for someone else; perhaps you are dealing with that as well. That said you still need to dump this person, my god I was so sad for you reading your post. Even if you’re tiny and 5-7 lbs changes how you look that change is so minor relative to everything else about who you are as a person. If that’s enough to affect his feelings for you and desire to be intimate with you, then think about how you will be spending the rest of your life. Do you want to worry about 5-7 lbs forever? What if you have kids? Get injured and can’t work out? Or your metabolism simply slows down? People’s bodies will change. You will make yourself insane–especially if weight is already a sensitive issue for you– trying to keep yourself “perfect” so you can satisfy this person. I mean, seeing a nutritionist or joining weight watchers for 5-7 lbs? Please, save yourself.

      Side note, did he bring up weight first or did you? Because it sounds like after he pushed you away without communicating until you broke down and revealed an insecurity to him, which he then seized upon to justify his own terrible behavior (and blame you for it as well) and make you feel even more insecure. Which is horrid. Dump. Him.

    • Anonymous

      So many red flags.
      1. When you told him “you feel terrible about yourself” he felt RELIEVED. He should feel sad that you feel that way and sadder that he contributed to it and he should be wondering how he can support you. He shouldn’t be all, oh thank god you think there’s a problem too.
      2. Obviously 5-7 lbs is nothing, I can’t believe he even noticed, nevertheless has been so distant because of it.
      3. What on earth does s****l attraction have to do with holding your hand? Like, I’m not always attracted to whatever person I’m dating. Something they’re sick, cranky, or just plain dressed grubby and not showered yet. I might not want to garden until they’ve brushed their teeth, but I wouldn’t refuse to touch them. His reaction is so bizarre.
      4. When you said he hurt you deeply, he offers some halfhearted apology and begs you to not break up with him. Just like #1, doesn’t try to make you feel better, or promise to do better, he jumps right to HIS fear that he’ll be single. What even is that?
      I probably would not break up with a longterm partner because of one off comment about my weight. I would break up with someone over sustained childish and selfish behavior and a total lack of empathy.

    • Junior Associate

      Joining the chorus of DTMFA. What happens if you decide to have kids? Or (Heaven forbid) get older? Or life happens? Or you have an illness that affects your metabolism and you gain a few pounds?

      The other day at the gym, I just walked in on a D-Bag who dragged his wife (who gave birth 7 weeks ago) to the gym and was complaining to the trainer to do something about it because the post-baby weight gain is making her unattractive as a woman to him. The wife was at most a size 6 at postpartum. She looked ashamed and didn’t say anything the whole time. The trainer tried to explain that the wife shouldn’t be doing any strenuous exercise postpartum because her body should heal from the birth first. D-Bag wouldn’t listen and kept going on about how he didn’t feel attracted.

      Please don’t let this be you in a few years. He has shown you who he is and where his priorities lie, so thank the stars you found out this trait about him now rather than later, believe him when he shows you who he is, and DTMFA.

      • Triangle Pose

        OMG you witnessed this IRL? I’d be horrified and wish that I can just march up to her and say something but I can’t imagine anything that would really help.

      • Worry about yourself

        And what the hell did the trainer say to this horrible excuse for a human?

      • Junior Associate

        Yes, I really wanted to punch him. I wish I could say something but I couldn’t very well tell the wife to DTMFA, because it was clear she was dependent on him…for everything. The trainer was trying his best to talk the guy down and explain how dangerous it is for the wife to exert herself, and suggested walks in the park at most.

    • Anonymous

      I can understand how you, personally, would feel insecure about 5-7 pounds because I also feel that way, even though that is very normal fluctuation and nothing to freak out about. But for HIM to suddenly not be attracted to you over what is objectively a normal fluctuation is a non-starter, and I would break up with him over it. You don’t deserve to feel like you can’t gain a pound lest your BF won’t be attracted to you. Our weight fluctuates, it is normal, our partners are still attracted to us.

      • Anon

        I agree with everyone else. Something is going on, but it’s not about your weight. He’s latching onto that as a convenient explanation, but it’s implausible that he’d even notice a 5-7 lb weight gain. It’s terrible that he can’t just be honest with you, and even more terrible that he’s using an phony explanation that is going to cause you significant hurt and shame.

  25. Anon

    Hey Kat, is there any way to make your ads not flash/move? The Saks Fifth one is changing every other second and it is giving me a migraine. I’m guessing I’m not the only one it bothers. I don’t mind still ads but the flashing ones are terrible. I can’t use ad block.

  26. Advice?

    I could use a reality check about whether it’s a terrible idea to start job hunting when I’ve only been in my current position for 4 months.

    Some background: I graduated in 2011 and started at a midsize law firm. I made shareholder (non-equity partner) the first time I was up, had a book but it wasn’t yet entirely enough to keep myself busy, especially because a lot of the steady work my clients had was transactional and I’m a litigator. Everything was great until about 18 months ago when my practice group leader retired and his replacement took over. New group leader absolutely hates me, for reasons that don’t have to do with the quality of my work (we were repeatedly at odds over hiring decisions, firm policy, diversity issues, etc. It doesn’t help that years ago as an associate I reported him to HR for some blatant discrimination aimed at another associate – he got off with a warning and they told him I was the one who had complained). Once he took over, my work started to dry up, I was coming in low on hours which was affecting my compensation, and to top it all off both my parents died within 6 months of each other. I became really depressed. After one awful day where new group leader had literally screamed at me for putting a particular non-controlling authority in a footnote instead of the main body in the first draft of a brief and taken me off the case because of it, I pulled up job postings and impulsively applied for one with the state government. It’s the only job I’d applied to in 8 years. Four weeks later I had an offer, which I accepted on the spot. I gave my clients away to partners that I liked.

    I’ve been at my new job for four months. It’s not actively toxic like my firm was at the end, but it’s also not great like my firm was for the first seven years. I’m bored with a lot of the work, which is largely form-based, and I really miss my former specialized litigation field. All my coworkers skip lunch and rush home at 4 to be with their kids, so it’s been really hard making friends. I miss networking and client development. I miss working nights and weekends (I have no partner and no kids and can’t figure out what else to do with my time that’s at all fulfilling). I miss being treated like an adult when it comes to setting my own work schedule, working remotely, etc. And I hate the more than 60% pay cut, which has disrupted all my financial goals and leaves me anxiously pulling up my bank statement every time someone asks me out for drinks. Every time I run into former coworkers or clients it makes me so sad for what I had (I am in therapy, but I can’t afford to go as often as I probably should). This weekend someone asked me how my new job was and I shocked both of us by bursting into tears.

    I’m thinking of reaching out to a headhunter and looking for firm jobs on the opposite coast where I have a lot of friends from law school but no other connection. How terrible of an idea is this? Do I need to stick it out or is it better to cut my losses now? I am afraid of looking flighty and unstable, or like my firm pushed me out (they didn’t). On the flip side, I know I’m a bit senior for a lateral move with no book and would rather not make that even worse by waiting, and I’d like to find a job and sell my house while the economy is still strong.

    • Anon

      Just do it. Your first move was ridiculously impulsive anyway, may as well continue that trend.

    • Anon

      Have you ever thought of looking at in-house positions with room for growth and advancement? That is a complete 180 to go from law firm partner with a book of business to government position with very “I’m here for the stability” type of employees. I’ve found in-house a good way between where your ambition has a place to go, you are still learning and networking, and can pull long hours but only when necessary – although I encourage you to get hobbies or even embrace travel and relaxation.

    • anon

      I’m going to be very straightforward: yes, it’s a bad idea. The short stint at your new job will suggest to people who are reviewing your resume that, at best, you’re impulsive and flighty (which is the kiss of death for a cross-country move to a market where you have no ties) and at worst, that you were fired from the firm and are about to get fired again from the govt job. You’re not in a good position right now to market yourself to a new employer – especially one from a market where you have no ties.

      Does that mean you’re stuck in this govt job forever? No, but I would strongly suggest you stick it out for a year. Candidly, a lot of what you’re describing is not about the job – it’s about you. When you’ve been in a high-pressure legal job for a long time, it can be hard to know who you are without that, and it sounds like that’s where you are. If your current job doesn’t have demanding hours, use that to figure out who you are outside of work. You’ll be happier and you’ll be better positioned to find a job that really suits you.

      • Anonymous

        I disagree. I agree with Ask A Manager that a single short-term job isn’t a big deal as long as there isn’t evidence of a pattern job hopping (which it doesn’t sound like you have). Plus, it’s not like something magical happens at one year mark. If you know you’re miserable, I’d start looking now.

        Signed,
        Somebody who worked at a firm for 5 years, moved to gov’t and immediately hated it, and got an in-house position 6 months later where I have now been for 4 years.

    • Anon

      You sound very, very impulsive, and that’s something to work on in therapy (and career counseling) before moving on. Be very strategic about your next move, or you might sink your career.

    • Anonymous

      No do not. Work through this in therapy. Figure out a source of satisfaction that isn’t work.

    • Anonymous

      You quit a firm where you had been made partner, where you had at least some book — bc the practice leader yelled at you?? Who does that? It never occurred to you to try to take your book and move to another firm?

      • Anon

        I’m not saying OP wasn’t impulsive but it was a lot more than one guy yelling at her once that caused her to quit. She lost work, was removed from cases, had her compensation suffer, etc. It doesn’t strike me as that weird to find that environment toxic and want to get out.

    • Junie

      “or like my firm pushed me out (they didn’t).”

      I mean, let’s be real, they kind of did. Taking away all your work so you come in low on hours and aren’t making as much money is effectively how firms softly push people out. It had the desired effect — you left. I say that not to be mean but for a dose of realism. You’re not going to help yourself by pretending something isn’t a fact when it is.

      But no, I don’t think it’s too soon to reach out to a headhunter. The job hunting process can take months. There’s no reason to stay in a job that makes you miserable — all you have to get is the next job. If employers see the 4-month stint as too short to make you a good hire, well, they just won’t interview or hire you. But somewhere that is a better fit might be interested. You might as well get out there and try. If you don’t ask, the answer is always “no”.

      • Anonymous

        Right, all you need is good explanations and good references, which should be easy. Maybe you wanted to try something new when your practice leader retired, but quickly realized govt isn’t for you and you desperately miss private practice? This sounds pretty much true.

        • Senior Attorney

          Yes, this. I think it’s pretty darned defensible when you put it that way.

        • Delta Dawn

          +1 this is how you sell it. Wanted to try something new when your boss/leader retired, tried government but quickly missed private practice. Bingo!

    • Anon

      Could you start applying for other jobs and completely leave off your current position? It’s only been 4 months, right? If asked you could say you took some time off after your parents death, no one would fault you for that. A background check wouldn’t pull up your current position if you left it off your resume/application. Think about it….

  27. Event Venue

    I am in the early stages of planning a work event for about 700 people (employees + guests) in the first half of next year. Everything is pretty flexible right now, but I’d generally like to stay east of the Mississippi River (Texas is OK). What I’d like to do is find a city with an AMAZING reception venue and build the event details off of that.

    So please – tell me your favorite memorable event venue. Think Reading Terminal Market in Philly, or the USS Yorktown in Charleston.

        • Anonymous

          aww! That’s awesome, I hesitated to post it because it’s so cheesy. My husband does murder mystery dinner theatre improv comedy with a group there and it’s a lot of fun!

          • Anon

            My husband and I want to go to murder mystery there sometime… it’s on our bucket list. We might spend our anniversary in the hotel.

            It’s also so close to Keeneland – if they did this in April, they could do the Keeneland Spring Meet, a weeknight event at Keeneland, a weekend event at the Kentucky Castle, a Town Branch tour, and then a bus trip to Louisville and Laredo for bourbon.

      • Anon

        I live pretty close to Lexington and had never heard of this. Thanks for the addition to my bucket list!

    • Anon

      Is NYC a consideration or too much of a logistic hassle and/or too costly? Bc in NYC – Tribeca Rooftop.

    • anon

      I have been to fantastic corporate events on the field at both Cowboys Stadium in Dallas and Mercedes-Benz Stadium in ATL.

      If you wanted to go more rural in vibe, I bet you could do something very cool at the Biltmore Estate.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        I was also going to say the Biltmore. I haven’t been to an actual event there, but I bet they’re amazing (briefly considered it as a wedding venue until I saw the price). Plus Asheville’s cool if you don’t want to spent the entire time at the Biltmore.

        The Charleston aquarium also rents for events and that could be fun.

    • PolyD

      If you are willing to consider Washington DC, some of the museums rent event space. I went to a wedding at the National Museum of Women in the Arts. Not sure all of them can accommodate 700 people, but just thought I’d throw the idea out there.

      • anon

        the building museum is huge. i wanted to get married there but they told me it would be best if i had 400+ people to invite

      • Anon

        I’ve been to an event at the Natural History Museum. Very cool to have a woolly mammoth in the back of your selfies haha.

    • Flats Only

      Since your location is open, I assume most people will be travelling to this – a top consideration will therefore be where 700 people can get hotel rooms within a reasonable distance to the venue. If your budget allows it, there are consulting firms that help put this type of thing together, and hiring one might make sure the event comes together smoothly.

      • OP

        Thanks all!

        Hotel (and nearby airport) availability is pretty important (we will need about 350-400 rooms, ideally in the same or adjoining hotels, and that’s pretty uncommon). So alas, some of these more remote locations will not work. We have hired outside consultants before, but I have found them (or at least the ones my company has contracts with) not very helpful. But I appreciate the ideas shared so far, so please keep them coming!

        • Anon

          If some of the venues sound fun, but you aren’t sure of logistics, ask away.

        • Anonymous

          The Rainbow Room in NYC is iconic and close to hotels, etc. My first job out of college had our holiday party there every year, and it was pretty cool even for jaded New Yorkers. There’s a lot to be said for having on site commercial kitchens and nice, large bathrooms in a landmark location.

          If the Boston Public Library can accommodate 700+ people, it would be a beautiful event with lots of hotel options, too.

    • Knope2020

      Union Station in DC! Gorgeous gorgeous place for events and tons of hotels and other things to do in the area

  28. Amazon benefits

    Does anyone know what the current Amazon fertility benefits package is?

    Information on the internet is a few years out of date (NYT reports $15k as of 2017).

    Looking to weigh some offers and this is an important point of consideration for me.

    • Anon

      If you have an offer from them, just ask about their whole benefits package. The company can provide a lot more accurate information than some random internet strangers

    • poiu

      You may already know this, but some states mandate that that insurance provide some fertility coverage.

    • Curious

      Late to the game, but definitely ask. They changed it this year because the fixed cost used to cut people off right in the middle of a cycle of treatment. I don’t know the nuances, but it’s better than it was in 2017.

  29. Anon

    Late to the game, but definitely ask. They changed it this year because the fixed cost used to cut people off right in the middle of a cycle of treatment. I don’t know the nuances, but it’s better than it was in 2017.

    • Anon

      30 was the tipping point for me. Chronic ailments started popping up, can’t drink as much and hangovers last two days, I gain weight at the sight of a cookie, and my stomach gets upset if I don’t eat clean.

      • Anonymous

        Ha, hangovers started lasting two days for me at age 19. In some ways it was a blessing…

    • Original Moonstone

      I was pretty good until 45, although obviously my metabolism slowed down from 35 to 45 so it became a battle to maintain my weight/shape. Since 50, I am having more trouble with lack of energy but I still sleep well and can eat anything anytime without penalty. I don’t exercise much but I try to have a lot of daily activity. What kinds of problems are you referring to when you say “feeling your age”?

    • Anon

      I worked in Big Law from ages 25-31 and noticed around age 28 or 29 that the late nights were harder than they were in college. Other than that, no real changes. I’m 35 now.

    • anon

      38-39. Everything changed rapidly. Weight gain (that I can’t seem to lose). Too much to drink guarantees a 2 day hangover and junk food also has multiple day ramifications.
      But I still get pms related acne. Yay?
      I’ve been trying to combat with water, collagen, a high quality multi vitamin, green smoothies, less processed food and actively trying to incorporate more vegetables. I’m not as good with that last bit.
      I quit running and now cycle and lift weights. I need to desperately add stretching or yoga to these activities, because it makes a huge difference in how I feel and recover from the cycling and weight lifting.
      I’ve typically been a good sleeper, and I definitely need 8 hours a night now.

      • Anonymous

        Same age for me. Exercise helps big time. DH is older than me but seeing him feel better after exercising was a big motivator.

      • Jeffiner

        This was me, it was a sudden change at 38-39. I gained 50 lbs that year, I wake up multiple times a night and can’t always go back to sleep, and my regular exercise routine suddenly resulted in a lot of injuries.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I turn 33 in two weeks and suddenly it’s like my knees and wrists have just decided to give up, and the hip that hurt only in my running days (~8 years ago) now hurts all the time.

    • Anon

      I had my second kid at 36 and after I emerged from the foggy first year of bfeeding and not sleeping while parenting an active toddler, I realized I’m finally feeling old. My body definitely doesn’t bounce back from injuries or physical exertion like it used to, I’m starting to get hangovers when I never did before, and my weight is much harder to maintain. But the biggest change in the last year is reading YA books or watching teen-focused shows/ movies and now identifying with the parents. I watched To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before and found myself sympathizing with the single dad, which was super jarring to realize.

      • Monday

        About the TV/movies: I don’t even have kids, and I also identify much more with parent characters in YA! I think it’s healthy and appropriate. I really should have much more in common with a 40-something Dad than a 15-year-old high school student.

        • Mary Ann Singleton

          I just started re-watching My So-Called Life (I’m part of Generation Jordan Catalano) and I now sympathize so much with Angela’s parents, in particular her mom.

        • Anon

          Oh I know it’s healthy and appropriate, and yes you’re right that I clearly have more in common with the 40 year old than the 15 year old. But in my head I’m still in my early 20s. This was one of those wakeup moments that I’m actually NOT 21 anymore.

    • Anonymous

      46 now, still don’t feel much different than I ever did. I do work out regularly and eat very carefully (& don’t drink) due to GI issues.

    • I feel great

      I’m 40 and feel really great, just as great as I did in my 20s (and maybe better, because I eat way better now than then). I drink tons of water, drink alcohol sparingly, do intermittent fasting, try to take a walk every day (even if just 15 minutes), and started to strength train in the last few years which has made a world of a difference in terms of how I look. I’m also religious about using SPF 50 sunscreen every day, and have been for a long time.

      What has changed — much more gray hair, but that can be fixed. :)

    • Anonymous

      39. I still feel pretty good (I work out pretty hard and am lifting heavier than I did before), but things ache more, sleeping funny hurts my back, and I’m currently waiting to have a biopsy following an inconclusive mammo for a lump, and that makes me feel ancient (and terrified).

    • Anon

      This year at age 55, physically. Two knee replacements, a bout with cancer, prolonged death of parent from dementia, and two knee replacements for surviving parent, all in the space of three and a half years. Mentally I’m always about 24 in my head and quite surprised to see who’s looking back at me in the mirror.

  30. Anon

    Unscientific survey – do you feel there is a connection between happiness and health? How has it manifested for you?

    I had a PCP tell me recently that many (most?) of our serotonin is made in the gut — so it got me thinking.

    • Anon

      This is 100% true (not sure about the serotonin gut connection) but good health can absolutely contribute to happiness. That is why exercise can help depression. You also have fewer stressors when you are healthy.

    • Anonymous

      Absolutely! I am 28 and have recently started trying to make my health and taking care of my body my #1 priority because I am happiest when I feel good physically. I have a chronic migraine condition that is mostly under control, but is prone to flair ups, and the flair ups will spark a depressive episode. I am interested in this serotonin-gut connection, I’ve never heard that before but I do believe gut health is so, so important.

    • Anon

      Absolutely. Exercise is the most obvious one for me. I genuinely feel better/am happier/less stressed days I work out (or weeks when I’ve gotten in a few workouts).

      I’ve also noticed less scientifically that I generally feel more blah when I have been indulging with food/haven’t been getting enough fruits and veggies.

  31. Anon

    If you’re age 35+ and single and not actively or constantly looking for a partner, how do you occupy your time on weekends?

    Honestly I’m having a hard time at 39, now living in an area where it’s tons of families/couples (so I feel like the odd man out if I go anywhere), and now having a job that’s not 24-7. I don’t have many friends and those that I do aren’t weekend friends — they want to be with their kids or at most with other friends who have kids their age, and no they wouldn’t be receptive to me coming to their kids soccer or whatever. So on weekends I find myself just restless/anxious. Weirdly I’ve always been so lazy and yet now I feel best on weekends if I do a housecleaning task. Yet I also don’t want to be that person whose idea of a weekend is scrubbing the sink . . . .

    • Anonymous

      I dance, read, go for long walks, bake, and spend time with friends and family.

    • Junie

      You might look into the work of Laura Vanderkam, if you haven’t already. She’s all about seeing time as a resource and using it wisely. I recently listened to her Before Breakfast podcast where someone in your situation (late 30s, no partner/kids) was asking if they should get a second job, and she showed them that they had time to do so. That might be something to consider if you’re interested.

    • ElisaR

      yoga! it’s nice because sometimes yoga classes have a nice community feel and you might make some new friends.

    • Anon

      I know what you mean. I’m 39 and single. Just examples from my own life, over the last few weekends, I’ve visited friends (a couple) at their lake house, went to my niece’s birthday party, attended a book club gathering, and hosted a brunch. I try to plan a couple things and also leave time for myself, but not TOO much time or I will descend into a rabbit hole of cleaning/tinkering like you describe with washing the sink.

      I usually find a few things I want to do every month: cultural events, art shows, museums, book signings, concerts, (this is my jam but I totally get that it isn’t everyone’s!) and invite people to get things on the calendar. My friends are also pretty good about planning things and inviting me, so it starts to add up.

      I try to cultivate and maintain friendships with people in all different stages of life. I have friends who are coupled up and child-free by choice, single, married with kids, married with stepkids, and so on. And they span a wide rang of ages, from late 20s to early 50s. This also helps when I feel like I’m in the only one in this particular stage. Seeing the different concerns and interests of these groups helps me see that everything changes and shifts. Partnered people sometimes become single. Single people pair up. People separate, die, move, etc. Nothing in life is permanent, so I try to recognize that and find a healthy balance between investing in my most important relationships and always meeting new people. You never know when your dearest friend may move across the country, or when that nice-enough seeming person at work or yoga class might become your dearest friend.

      Hope this helps. I totally get this feeling and I find that taking control over my life really helped, instead of feeling like my schedule had to fit in around everyone and their kids.

    • Anonymous

      Ballet, tennis, yoga, skiing, running, adult figure skating (singles or synchro), meal prep, reading, church activities if that’s your thing, volunteering. You could also get a dog.

      • Anon

        I love the figure skating idea! I’m a former competitive skater (largely “retired” when I went to college) and would love to skate as an adult (especially a team event like synchro or Theater on Ice, since these things didn’t really exist when I was competing and I only ever skated as an individual sport) but there are no rinks in my area.

    • Anon

      Hobbies. Figure out what you like and go do it. Bonus points if it’s something social.

      • nona

        +1. Or go buy a house. :) I have house projects and chores I do on the weekends.

        • Anonymous

          OP here — I actually have considered that. I kind of want a house anyway and part of me is like — it’ll keep me busy between chores, upgrades, yard work etc. plus give me space if I want to try out things like painting or whatever which is hard to do in a 1 bed apt.

    • Panda Bear

      Volunteer for something you love/care about, or take a class to learn something fun and/or useful (a new cuisine, a professional skill you enjoy).

    • EM84

      I have many young-er work friends, who don’t have kids (yet), with whom I spend time with. I also travel alone around the country (I am an expat, so I want to use the opportunity), do my sports, discover new places to eat (with friends or solo). But I am generally very comfortable with going solo (introvert alert). I also spend time with friends with kids, they like the fact they have an adult to talk to during trips or an extra pair of hands for kids. I will also be taking language classes to refresh Spanish. You will meet new people eventually on the way. Just enjoy the process.

    • Northwest Islander

      I bought my one day single-little-old-lady retirement home and I am actively renovating it with a GC. It has been a fun and educational PITA. More seriously, I am so, SO happy that I am doing this now while I am younger (39) and have the energy and money (earnings have peaked). I will get to enjoy my getaway for decades hopefully.

    • Anonymous

      Housecleaning is not a terrible way of spending time if having a clean home is important to you. That said, I reset my mind a few years ago to find things that interest me and schedule them as solo endeavors. So if there is a play I want to see, and I don’t have someone to go with me, I buy a ticket for a free day and go. If there is a festival I want to attend, I go by myself if I don’t find anyone to join. If there is a new bar open in my neighborhood, I check it out solo. I intentionally keep an eye on events and put them on my calendar. I also attend DIY classes and then, when needed, do the DIY projects at home. I find the more I do things on my own, the more I meet people along the way to then become true friends, whether I meet them at the event or find a mutual interest through conversation. Also, be open to being friends with people of all ages. I like plays. I used to go alone a lot. Now I have season tickets to one theatre with a woman 15 years my elder, and season tickets to another theatre with a woman 15 years my junior. I enjoy the company of both, learn from them, and also otherwise socialize with them outside of the theatre.

  32. Anonymous

    Ok this is weird but I have to ask strangers, if a woman you know (my MIL, who is in her 40’s, and a complete narcissist fwiw) always orders multiple glasses of cranberry juice at restaurants, would you think it’s weird or just assume she loves the taste of cranberry? Ha

    • GCinFlats

      Does she have a bladder infection? My mother always talked about cranberry juice as the UTI/bladder infection drink.

      • Anonymous

        Right that’s what I think it’s kinda weird. We only go out to restaurants together a few times a year but if she’s not ordering a cocktail it’s always cranberry juice. I swear the waiters always have bugeyes for a moment

        • anon

          It’s probably a nod to The Departed and she wants to provoke a bar fight. Of course.

        • Anonymous

          Is cranberry juice her cocktail substitute? It’s got a more complex taste than other juices. Maybe she doesn’t like soda or iced tea.

          • Anon

            +1 especially if she’s sober and cranberry juice and vodka used to be her drink of choice. My grandmother ordered cranberry juice after she quit drinking because it was the closest thing to her former alcoholic drink. It would never have occurred to me that she had a UTI.

    • Junie

      I mean… why would that be weird? It’s not like she’s ordering and drinking mouthwash. Cranberry juice is a drink. She’s ordering and drinking a drink she (presumably) likes. What’s the issue?

    • Anonymous

      Like, five glasses at a time? Or serially? I don’t judge people by what they drink… you shouldn’t either. Enjoy her company and the food as much as you can and stop peeping at what other people do!

    • Never too many shoes...

      An adult ordering multiple glasses of juice is a little bit weird for sure but not like alarmingly so.

      • OP

        Yeah that is what I assume, which I think is weird to effectively announce to the table. In college my friends would always assume any woman we saw drinking cranberry juice had a UTI, which maybe wasn’t true but that’s why I think it’s super weird!

        • Anon

          I also know people who order cranberry or some other juice to mix with alcohol that’s brought. My first thought beyond it being a weird quirk (which it most likelyis ) would be “drinking problem” rather thanUTI.

        • anon

          This is more a you problem than a her problem. We spend so much time griping about the fact that you cannot not drink alcohol without people making assumptions about your uterus. Now you are making assumptions about your MILs body based on her drink choice. That’s not her problem.

          • Anon

            Yep. Is it an unusual drink choice for an adult?Yeah. Is it your place to judge? No. Also, it’s possible to get UTIs without constant s*x (not that constant s*x is a bad thing!) or bad hygiene, so who cares if she has a UTI. There shouldn’t be a stigma. Lots of people get them, just like the common cold.

          • Worry about yourself

            Next thing you know, OP’s gonna be asking us why her coworker eats yogurt so much, because you only eat yogurt when yeast infections are a concern, riteguise??

        • anonymous

          Do you really think she’s trying to “announce” it to the table? Or that she’s just trying to do something to help her UTI, if indeed that is the case. It might also be that she just likes it. I drink bloody mary mix every time I get on a plane- no alcohol. Which is kinda unusual. I’m not pregnant, not in recovery and trying to pretend I’m at brunch, not off caffeine. I just like it- it’s an interesting taste, I like the sodium I guess, and I don’t see it often except for on planes (or in actual bloody marys). At this point its my little tradition. You need to let this go. She is not being weird.

        • Worry about yourself

          She’s not announcing anything, she’s ordering a drink, and you’re trying to figure out what the correct assumption is. If she wants cranberry juice to ward off a UTI or help with one she has, should she just not order it, lest someone catch on to her totally normal woman problem and feel slightly uncomfortable? Yep, she might have a UTI, she might be prone to them, she might be looking to drink something tasty but non-alcoholic, she might have read some weird quackery about cranberry juice being a “superdrink” that helps you lose weight and look young. Why does it matter so much? Let the lady drink whatever liquid she craves.

      • Anonymous

        tbh if I was eating with the juice police I might do the same. “I’ll have 32 oz of cranberry juice and a demitasse cup, please!”

    • Cat

      does she drink a lot of cranberry juice at home? Or is this a restaurant-only habit?

    • Anon

      That’s such a weird thing for you to be caring about. She probably just likes cranberry juice.

    • anon

      Is MIL traveling or changing her routine to see you? Because I used to live on cranberry tea & juice when I had to travel in my UTI-prone 20s, and screw anybody who judged me for it.

    • Anon

      Your MIL is in her 40s!?! How old are you? I’m 39 and have toddlers so the idea of anyone my age being a MIL blows my mind (although of course I realize there are people my age out there who are already grandparents).

      • Cat

        Not the OP, but it’s not outrageous — let’s say the MIL had a kid at 24, and the OP married at 25 = 49yo MIL…

    • Anonymous

      She probably just likes cranberry juice. I hate orange juice and apple juice, I find them almost sickly sweet and I don’t like the bubbles in soda. So either water or a less sweet juice like cranberry or grapefruit would be my go-to drink.

  33. Anon for this

    I am planning on giving my notice today (got an amazing new job that I am so excited for!) but I know my boss is going to react terribly. He’s not the nicest person. Any advice?

    • Anon

      Stand up for yourself and don’t apologize. It’s tempting to do the “sorry to have to tell you this” routine, but it’s nothing to apologize for and it’s not like bullies will respect you more for doing it. Just do the simple “I wanted to let you know that ___ will be my last day. I’ve had a wonderful experience working here, but it’s time for me to move on and explore a new opportunity.”

    • Anonymous

      Who cares how he reacts, you’re leaving? You don’t have to say much — “Just wanted to let you know my last day is x.” IDK if it’s standard in your industry to tell where you’re going — if it is, you can say “I’ll be joining y later this month.” Period. End of discussion. Don’t explain, justify, or apologize. If he starts criticizing/saying it’s a bad move etc. shrug it off with — “time will tell, it’s an opportunity I have to pursue.”

      Do you think any guy goes into these meetings sorry or justifying why they need to leave? No – -they just say — I’m leaving — and that’s that.

    • Anonymous

      You are not responsible for someone else’s actions. Do your fabulous thing and don’t worry about him. Pretend he’s on the other side of glass at a zoo or something.

    • NYC Girl

      Have your stuff in order (personal items and work computer) in case they ask you to leave immediately. Congrats!

    • Carrots

      If you think he’s going to react so terribly that you’ll be walked out the door today, get any information you’d hate to lose off your computer and somewhere you can access it.

    • Anon for this

      Thank you all for the good advice. It turned out much better than I thought it would! Probably because once I told him where I was going, he realized he couldn’t burn any bridges.

      I’m going to be so glad to not have to work with such a toxic character anymore.

    • In-House in Houston

      Yay, that was me! No on responded so I assumed no one was interested. I really, really like it. Haven’t had to wash it yet, but I’m hopeful it’ll hold-up if I wash it carefully.

  35. Vitamins

    For those of you who don’t take a multivitamin, how do you acquire all of your vitamin/nutritional needs for the day (e.g., daily rec value of iron, potassium, B12…)? Did you work with a nutritionist to make sure your meals and snacks would get you there? Or did you look at websites with sample meal plans?

    • Anonymous

      I eat a normal diet and try and eat a variety of foods. It’s not hard.

    • Anon

      Nope. I just don’t care. I eat 2 sides of fruits or veggies at lunch and dinner, I try to have a colorful-ish plate, the end. Life’s too short to optimize everything.

    • Anon

      What the others said. I eat a variety of foods, mostly plant based. I treat meat more like a condiment and less like a main course. Everything in moderation. Don’t overthink it!

    • Anonymous

      I agree with the other comments. If you have a specific concern, find a healthy food that has a good amount of the vitamin you are concerned about and eat it more days than not. For ex, worried about iron? Eat spinach in a smoothie or eggs a few times a week. Potassium? Add a banana to your smoothie or eat a kiwi. B12 I believe is meat. If you are vegetarian and have a deficiency, I think you can get B12 shots.

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