Gift Idea: Marshall Major III Bluetooth Over-Ear Headphones

192 Comments

1. Over 2 hours in morning mod so figured no one will even respond there:

   I think this comes up on this board sometimes so I was wondering if people have thoughts — if you find yourself getting more germophobic as the years go by, how would you deal with it (to put a stop to it) WITHOUT yet resorting to therapy/meds etc. I mentioned it to my PCP (and to another dr I know who but he isn’t my dr.) and both said the same — these are tendencies that are very common in 25-45 year old urban professional women and you may try to deal with them yourself first to see if that works because what I’m describing is more like habits that can be broken. The PCP says she tends to recommend anxiety treatment etc. when people tell her they are actively avoiding situations — so they won’t go out with friends because they’d have to hug/kiss hello; they cringe at the idea of planes/subways/NYC cabs or altogether avoid them because so many people have been in them etc; or they tell her their whole day/entire plans were ruined by something — like someone walked around their home with shoes on so they spent hours after vacuuming, mopping etc.

   So I’m not someone who is wiping down airplane seats or wearing masks on planes (not criticizing — I know there are people who have to for health reasons), but in daily life I’m seeing it. It’s washing my hands 3 times instead of just once after the bathroom. It’s spraying down my door handle at home once/wk. Feeling like I MUST wash hands if I touch the ground (in my home), refusing to touch the ground in public even if that means the $1 that I dropped there is left there etc.

   Any thoughts on what you’d do to break these habits? All I can think of is — set a rule re hand washing (like 1x and you’re done) and/or when going out don’t always carry hand sanitizer so that when you don’t have it, oh well I guess you can’t sanitize and have to go one with your errand.

   FWIW — I love hugs from friends. Love airports/airplanes etc. because when traveling I can say — I know for a fact planes, TSA bins etc. are so dirty that no amount of hand sanitizer will kill anything, oh well, I get to go to Hawaii or wherever, I guess I’ll just shower when I get there. I almost think when traveling, the fascination of wherever I am and the newness of it makes me forget the “routines” that I have at home. Could this be a boredom thing??

   1. This sounds like a manifestation of anxiety. I’m in the process of working through the a Cognitive Therapy workbook for Anxiety by David Clark and Aaron Beck. It’s too early for me to say it’s great but I think it is worth a try. You could also try cognitive therapy if DIY doesn’t work – it is short-term and very research-backed.

      1. You might look for a book more specifically focused on OCD, as that isn’t really covered by the one I am going through. It’s an anxiety disorder.

      2. Different poster — what is this workbook that people keep mentioning. Is it like exercises you work through or are you actually reading a book about anxiety?

         1. It’s a mix of both. If you understand cognitive therapy a bit it will might make more sense. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_therapy

   2. I think you need thoughts to hold onto — my first in your situation — you do ok with flying on planes that have carried 100000s of people, so why worry about your door handles that are only touched by you? And then take baby steps — so maybe this week, don’t wipe down handles, skip a week and you can do it next week. Then try to go 3 weeks in between etc. Eventually you’ll break out of the ritual of it and while you still may wipe down your door handles more than most people, you also will lose that feeling of — OMG it’s been 7 days since I’ve wiped this off. You’ll start to forget when it was last wiped and that’s probably a good thing. Same thing with hand washing. Of course wash them but force yourself to stop counting — so maybe sometimes they’re washed 1x and other times 3x. I think some of this is just breaking out of the routines and messing up the routines a bit so you “forget” them and eventually realize — hey I haven’t been washing my hands 3x after the bathroom and all is well. Kudos for bringing this up with a dr. — it is totally fixable once one is aware of it.

   3. Could it help to read a bit more about microorganisms, what positive interactions they have with your body and skin, how the immune system fights off unwanted germs and to develop more confidence in the millions of years that evolution has perfected the intricate balance that is your metabolism?

      1. If it’s anxiety, this won’t help. It’s not supposed to be rational. It’s an avoidance response

   4. I am saying this gently, but what you are describing here is not going to be helped by the few changes you describe. I believe at this point and level of OCD, you need therapy and most likely drugs to assist with this.

   5. If it’s truly a habit then you can try different things (sing ABCs while you wash your hands once since that’s about the amount of time that’s needed to clean your hands) or reason your way out of it (you can wash your hands after you touch the ground, three hand washings isn’t necessary, etc.). But I suspect it’s more than just a habit and it seems like you suspect it as well. On the one hand, what you’re doing is pretty benign (I’m definitely more of a germaphobe than I used to be and now really dislike sharing food or drink), but it’s bothering you so it’s worth exploring. I think a decent therapist could work you through it fairly quickly.

2. I’m an associate at a midsize firm (I make $80k/year) and I was assigned a new assistant this spring. I share her with two other attorneys. She’s amazing, and many lawyers have told me she’s the best assistant they’ve ever had. I’m guessing she makes $50k/year, is around 50, empty nester. Her birthday is next week and I want ideas for what to give her. I usually give $100 cash for winter holidays, and I try to give small gifts throughout the year – for admin professionals day I gave really nice chocolates and a $20 coffee card, and any time I travel I bring her a small gift, usually a local food product from where I was traveling. She’s told me I shouldn’t spend money on her, but she seems to appreciate gifts and I want to show her my appreciation other than using good manners (please/thank you).

   I’m looking for gift ideas and price range suggestions for both her birthday and ‘random’ appreciation times. I don’t know a lot about what she likes yet – I know she cooks a lot, and she and her wife have season passes to a musical theater in town.

   1. For her birthday, a card. If you must gift, then a small flower arrangement.

   2. My go-to for non-bonus items (people always want cash end of year) is always something particular to the person’s taste but also cash-equivalent. Maybe a gift card that applies to a group of restaurants (so she can have her pick of type of food)?

   3. I actually think that buying her a gift during each trip is excessive and weird, unless you are in a practice area that basically never travels. I travel enough that it would be at least 1-2 gifts a month, and I would feel weird if I got that many gifts from my boss. If you see something in particular that you know she would love, getting a gift makes sense. But not buying something on each trip just because.

      With regards to her birthday, I would personally spend around $50 and get her high-end cooking ingredients. Maybe some olive oil, nice salt, some sauces, etc.

      1. Oh, good olive oil is a good idea! If you want to go a gift card route, a store like William Sonoma or Crate and Barrel would be sweet. It’s the kind of store you wonder around longing at things, but would never buy. I love to cook as well and would love an excuse to spend more money than I normally would on something “fun”(expensive salt shakers, overpriced decorative measuring cups, and you’d be shocked at how much a pretty tea pot can run you…).

         1. If it must be a gift, I’ll add that flowers or a consumable, like something from William Sonoma that she can swap out if it’s not a great match.

   4. I know this isn’t your question, but fwiw I really doubt she makes $50k. I worked at a firm where my associate salary was $81k and my assistant made $26k. It sounds like your assistant is more senior, but I think it would be unusual to have even the most beloved, experienced assistant making over 60% of what an attorney makes.

      1. OP here – I hear you! I know many of the admins make about 30k here, but they want to prevent her from leaving so I understand she makes “several thousand” more what our lowest paralegal (40k) makes. Won’t know until I’m partner, of course.

      2. By contrast I’ve worked at small firms where the beloved assistants make more than new associates and are viewed as more difficukt to replace

         1. They probably are.

3. I’m going to a department store close out sale today. I don’t “NEED” much, but I could use some new work shoes (I threw out all my crappy shoes, and am down to one pair of black flats, one pair of black kitten heels, and one pair of nude sandals). I went to a similar sale two years ago and ended up, admittedly, with a lot of “stuff” that was low priced but a little trendy and now outdated. Any tips for going to a close out sale and finding gems?

   1. Skip it? All you are going to find is what you found the last time–cheap trendy stuff that has already been picked over.

      1. +1

         There isn’t a “trick” for finding gems if there are no gems.

   2. I feel like closeout sales are when you can get something whackadoodle for $20. Maybe not basics unless you have a really rare size. But if you got a sequined ball gown size 16, this would be it. Magpie city!

   3. Identify exactly what type of shoes you need and only try on those shoes. Keep telling yourself that it’s not really a deal if you never wear them (looking at you, spiky black heels I bought on clearance).

   4. Ask yourself, “Am I buying this because it’s cheap, or would I pay three times as much money for it? Would I ache to buy this even if my bank account consisted of loose change?” If the answer is no, leave it there.

   5. Basics are things you spend a lot of time picking out and are willing to spend money on for high quality.

      Closeout sales are for that weird blouse you only wear every once in a while but it also only cost $5.

      1. ding ding — this exactly. this is treasure hunting, not filling your closet with basics.

   6. I’m going to disagree slightly with the rest of the comments here. I wear a size 10 shoe and I generally can find some nice stuff at closeout sales because of my uncommon shoe size. I don’t find as many clothes because I’m a 14/16 in clothes and that’s a pretty common size. I have gotten lucky on occasion and found something really great (once it was a 100% wool Lafayette 148 blazer marked down to $30 because it was mistagged with the wrong size – it fit me perfectly but was tagged as a size 10) but those finds are few and far between. To me, it’s always worth a look but I am pretty severe with myself about not buying something “fun” because it’s cheap. “Fun” usually means I never wear it. I read something in a fashion book a long time ago about how “very few of us live ‘Saturday night’ lives,” meaning that buying too many clothes, shoes or accessories that are really only wearable on a Saturday night out is a mistake, because very few of us will wear/use those things on a regular basis. I had been making that mistake – buying stuff saying “well, it’s glitzy but I can always wear it on a night out!” I don’t go out that much anymore and when I do it’s to pretty casual events. You can always use the old trick of – only bring the cash you can afford to spend, leave your debit/credit cards at home. If you find something you really love and want/need, you can spend the cash you have.

4. Has anyone tried Winc, Bright Cellars, or another wine-matching delivery service? Do you like it?

   1. We were gifted a subscription to Winc for Christmas last year, and I adored it! We tried 6 new wines with the first batch, and all were good but three went into regular rotation. I liked the search options, especially for vegan wine. I recommend it!

   2. Not a wine drinker but a friend is obsessed with Winestyr

   3. I was subscribed to Winc for a while but skipped most months – I ended up only getting 3 boxes over the year I was a member. The wines were fine, usually things I wouldn’t have bought myself but still enjoyed. It was about $65 a box.
      Coincidentally I just cancelled my membership today. Cut back on drinking and was getting tired of skipping every month. Lots of local places I can find wine I like.

   4. I have tried both Winc and Wine Awesomeness. I like Wine Awesomeness a lot more than I liked Winc. Winc was enjoyable at first but after a few months it felt like I was receiving the same bottles of wine each time. Wine Awesomeness has a different theme each month and they provide a little booklet that gives you information about the wine, the region, and offers suggested recipes to try with it.

5. I’m sleeping on an air mattress on my cousin’s living room floor tonight. Any tips for making that more bearable? Last time I slept on one, my back hurt for a few days – that’s a few years ago now. I can bring pillows/extra blankets if that would help. Stretching suggestions welcome, as well.

   1. I have better luck with a pile of folded blankets or a yoga mat on the floor itself. Air mattresses always leave my body feeling out of whack.

      1. +1.

   2. Get a hotel next time?

   3. Make sure it’s fully inflated, and have a bunch of pillows/blankets, not for traditional use, but as supplemental padding.

   4. Extra blanker under the bottom sheet. I’m always cold sleeping on an air mattress because it’s a blob of air over the floor, which tends to get cold…

6. I’m going to Tempe/Phoenix area in October and Austin in November. Any suggestions on bars, restaurants, things to do? Tempe is for work so I really only have evenings free and Austin is for fun so I have a nice long weekend to do whatever I want.

   1. Richardson’s near the airport in Phoenix for prickly pear margaritas and “green chile potatoes”.

   2. Uchiko in Austin for dinner. And Midnight Cowboy for cocktails.

      1. Make reservations at least 2 weeks in advance for Uchiko, the happy hour is great, but you need reservations. Check out http://www.do512.com for various events in the city. I love concerts at ACL Live – fabulous venue, no bad seat in the house, I’d look to get show tickets now for November. Also really enjoy the hike and bike trail around Lady Bird Lake, South Congress shopping district, Domain up north for shopping and good restaurants, Rainey Street for nighlife and bars (not 6th Street, trust me that’s for college kids only). Barbeque at Micklewaith Craft Meats – really good and not a 5 hr wait like Franklins. Or Stubbs for Gospel Sunday Brunch. You must eat breakfast Tacos – I like Taco Deli, but lots of people prefer Torchys. Also Veracruz Natural for the migas taco that won Bon Appettit’s best taco in America. If you’re into wine, the Fredricksburg wine region is 45 min drive and totally worth it (check out Becker for sure); if you’re into beer I’d visit Pinthouse Pizza, or take a trip to Jester King for fabulous beer (they specialize in sours) and pizza (30 min drive out of town). Dolce Neve for the best gelato ever. Kendra Scott headquarters by 38th and Lamar and then live music on Friday and weekends at the Central Market North Lamar (check out online calendar). Four Seasons happy hour is also amazing. Try to kayak on the river downtown – so fun! Hope you have a great time in Austin!

7. I’m a biglaw partner at a firm that falls on the more casual end of business casual. I’m leaving my firm shortly to take a position as GC of a public financial-services company. I’m young for the role (late 30s) and look younger (frequently guessed to be in my early 30s), and part of the reason I’m being brought in is to be more of a public face for the company in the legal, financial-services and tech communities. Looking for brands or blogs that are a good source of age-appropriate power dressing: I need to take a step up in formality, but suits aren’t the answer here (I can’t remember the last time I saw a female GC in a suit).

   I’m size 2, 5’4 and sort of a slim pear (small bust, fuller hips and rear). I wear a lot of Boden and MMLaFleur, and favor dresses. Any good places to look for inspiration?

   1. I think more expensive power dresses with sleeves are your answer here. Try Hugo Boss, Max Mara, Armani. Any company with beautiful but overly expensive suits I think will have what you’re looking for.

      1. Adding in Michael Kors Collection, Altuzarra, Etro (love their shirts), LK Bennett, basically your standard slew of rich b*tch clothing. My best advice though is to go to Saks or Neimans and grab clothing that feels well made and substantial. Also, totally vain, but all the clothes that are in European sizes always seem like they fit better… mostly because I actually size up to the size I need because I’m not as wedded to *my* size.

   2. I don’t think this is a brand issue per se. I would agree not to go too expensive as that might put a bad taste in the mouth of people as a public figure for a public financial services firm – if you are walking around in a prada suit, LV bag, and red bottom heels, people WILL talk about how the company is wasting money on lawyer and staff salaries, etc.) I think your current brands work well for this, particularly MMLaFleur.

      The key is less the brand and more high quality materials and well fitting. Everything you buy needs to be tailored and and form fitting but not body hugging, in at least one area – on your frame anything too big will make you look like a child trying on its mother’s clothes.

      And I’m all for saving your back and wearing flats on normal days, but for big meetings and public appearances, I’d 100% go for heels. You’re what my mother would call “slight” – your frame sounds akin to RBG, not very imposing (and almost no one has the reputation to command a room like her at her size).

      1. “more high quality materials and well fitting” that 100% correlates with brands, though.

         OP, I love Boden so much and it is most of my work wardrobe. But I think it might skew (in general) a little too casual/twee for what you’re looking for.

      2. I am around OP’s size but less curvy, and agree with the advice to wear well-proportioned clothes and heels. I always wear a sheath dress with sleeves or a sheath dress plus jacket. A sleeveless sheath dress with a jacket in the same fabric is a very powerful look that is appropriate in even the most formal of business settings. Avoid fit-and-flare silhouettes, as they skew younger and less powerful. I prefer short, fitted collarless jackets with bracelet sleeves and no buttons. Collars and buttons are just too fussy and overwhelming on my frame. A suit or pants/skirt plus jacket and blouse is also too much visually on a small frame, and these types of outfits look more junior.

         In your position, I’d be looking at Theory and Hugo Boss for coordinating dress and jacket sets, and MM LaFleur, Nora Gardiner, The Fold, and LK Bennett for sleeved dresses that can stand alone. For days without public appearances, the MMLF St. Ambroeus jardigan is amazing.

         Make sure some of your dresses and/or jackets have pockets for microphone packs. I prefer using a dress pocket for the mic, as it’s easier to hide the wires that way than if you are using a jacket pocket.

         As far as shoes go, block heels are currently trendy and are much easier to stand in for long periods than stillettos. Sadly, it’s a lot easier to get a man to take you seriously (or, if necessary, to intimidate him) if you can look him straight in the eye (or, even better, if you appear taller than him).

         Grooming can also help you look powerful. A great haircut and color that flatter your face, polished makeup, and neat fingernails or a manicure all contribute to the look.

         There are, of course, other ways to create a big visual impression than to be sleek and polished. In my field, a lot of people go in the opposite direction and cultivate their own individualistic “eccentric professor” styles. I don’t think this is what OP’s job calls for, though, and it’s hard to pull off, especially if you aren’t tall. With that type of look, you have to be 100% committed to the costume at all times.

         Above all, cultivate confidence and self-assurance. A small person can absolutely have a huge presence–personality is key.

   3. The Fold

      1. +1 ! I would order, like, the entire catalog and take the pieces you like best to a tailor to get them to fit you perfectly.

         I would also go get a Nordstrom personal shopper.

      2. +1 God I love the Fold….

      3. I also love the Fold!

   4. Veep?

      1. Yes! God, I wish I could afford to have Selina Meyer’s wardrobe.

         1. Yesss. Horrible person, total style icon.

      2. Lol, Veep is on the list of TV shows I watch for the outfits (and it’s hilarious). Also on the list: Scandal, The Good Wife, The Good Fight…

         1. Alicia Florrick’s outfits are so goals. As are Dianne’s.

   5. I’m the same size/shape, and I agree with the above as far as brands and Anon’s advice about tailored pieces. You might look at blogs like Memorandum and Extra Petite for some inspiration.

      1. I disagree with the recommendation for Extra Petite. Jean’s outfits are way too cutesy for a GC.

         1. +1 especially since she stopped working in an office. Her outfits are very “wealthy SAHM out to lunch with her friends to show off her designer duds.” She does not dress like a GC or, frankly, like a working professional at all.

   6. Go to Bloomies if you want good stuff to choose from now that L&T has closed. You are not to different from me, so you should be able to get personal attention. You do not want to look to causal, and they have very nice dresses and suits that can make you look slimmer, which in a few years will become more of a reality for you (as it did for me), particularly since you note that you have a big tuchus. Also, once you go in house, you will be stuck there, so be sure you are making the right decision vis a vis men, as you will be managing a group of men who will likely be jelous that you are there boss. If you are married, you can ignore that, but if not, do NOT start dating them b/c Dad warned me never to mix busness with pleasure, expecially sexueally. FOOEY!

   7. Black Halo… Gravitas… Michaela Jerdinak… Of Mercer… at Nordies look at Lewit, Theory, Rebecca Taylor, Ted Baker

   8. I’m tall, so I’m not sure that all of these brands translate in terms of petite fit, but these are the brands in my closet of sleeved sheath dresses, in order of how many of them I have — MM Lafleur, Hugo Boss, Vince, Nora Gardner, The Fold, Theory, Akris, Elie Tahari, Black Halo. Nordstrom’s website is fantastic and lets you search by dress length, silhouette, and sleeve length.

      Jewelry is also important. You can wear pretty much the same jewelry every day, so it’s not like you need a lot and it doesn’t need to be super expensive. But it’s helpful for the look you’re going for if you’re wearing earrings, a necklace, and a watch. Happy to give some suggestions here if needed. Nail polish also helps.

      I also agree with an earlier commenter who suggested paying extra attention to grooming. This is really what makes people look polished. I would focus on a great cut and color, and wear some light makeup every day (5 minutes of makeup will do the job).

      Congrats on the position and keep us posted on any good wardrobe finds!

      1. I am not the OP but would love recommendations for a necklace and a watch.

   9. It sounds like you might be in the Bay Area? There is a stylist at Nordstrom in Palo Alto who is fabulous. Her name is Stacy Everly. She has moved up to the Gucci department but she still brings me clothes from brands like Theory, Boss, etc (ie lower price point than Gucci). She truly gets how professionals in finance-adjacent roles dress around here and is very quick to pick up on your personal style. Highly recommend!!

8. Live in Arlington Va and now that the weather is getting nicer, I’d like to get out to a driving range and see how I like hitting golf balls. I know everything in this area is over crowded (and like everyone else I’d go Sat or Sundays). Tips on how to get started? Where? (I’m willing to drive if it’s better in Reston or Tyson’s or whatever). Do I need to buy a club or can I rent one to hit? I’d like to go at least a few times and get proficient though I’m not suggesting I’ll be so in love that I want thousands of dollars of clubs. Also — I’d prefer a place where I’d feel ok as a single professional woman alone on a Sat morning — not looking for a drunken frat boy Top Golf environment nor a family place (no problem w some kids with parents but not looking for a place where people are doing kid birthdays and I’m the lone weirdo adult without a kid). How to start?

   1. East Potomac Park (Hains Point) has a cheap driving range and decent beginner lessons. I took some years ago and there were 3 people in my class, you can do private too if that’s more your speed. And way closer than Reston!

   2. If you’re ok with no frills, check out the Fort Washington Driving Range. The street is working class with a laundromat and some auto repair places, but I live near there and go to the grocery store at the end of that street and have never been worried.

      1. Are we really concerned about being worried in working class areas?

         1. No, we aren’t. What we are concerned about that you wouldn’t know unless you’re from DC is that this driving range is in a county known primarily for its poor public schools and violence. I gave OP the context so that she would know it’s located in a safe neighborhood.

            1. Ok my bad. I used to live in DC but wasn’t familiar with Fort Washington so I didn’t realize it was in PG County. Without that context using working class seemed like a negative but I realize (now having that context) that it’s a positive.

               I’m sure you can see how someone saying “it’s working class … but I’ve never felt worried” could be taken as a negative.

            2. Yeah, I get it :) I typed and retyped that sentence in my post many times trying to think how to politely describe the area online.

   3. Not in Arlington, but where we live there are some independently owned mini golf courses with driving ranges that are pretty low-key and not overrun with kids, especially not first thing in the morning. Clubs should be provided. Buy a golf glove to avoid blisters.

      I would take a lesson if at all possible. I took five-hour “intro to golf” class a zillion years ago, didn’t hit a golf ball for ages, and then recently went to the driving range. I didn’t remember anything and did so poorly that it was just not fun.

9. How do you answer (or non-answer) nosy, inappropriate questions from co-workers? I’m a first-year at a large law firm and was just asked, by another first year, if I was planning to have kids soon. I honestly believe she was just trying to make conversation–she’s a few years younger and doesn’t seem to understand boundaries in the workplace. What should I have responded? I’d like to handle these issues without making the other person feel like a jerk. Suggestions?

   1. “Not sure. You?”
      I realize these questions get very old (I was 35 and had been married for almost 11 years when I had my first so people were asking “pregnant yet?” for a looooooooooooooong time) but I’d try to assume good intentions. It sounds like she was just trying to make conversation and I don’t really think this is a wildly inappropriate question to ask a colleague you’re friendly with, especially if they’re not your subordinate.

      1. “Eh, not sure.” But don’t turn the question back on her because that reinforces that you think it’s an appropriate question. (Although I agree with presuming good intentions.)

         Or you could go with “I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.”

         1. I was thinking that flipping it back on her might kind of put her on the spot and make her realize it’s not the most comfortable question to answer but I see your point too.

            1. The type of person who asks that question is not the type of person who would feel uncomfortable answering it.

   2. TBH if it makes you uncomfortable and you don’t want to make the other person feel like a jerk I would just give a really vague answer. “who knows?”. It is inappropriate but at the 3 law firms I’ve worked at people talk about it a lot, I don’t think it ‘s to be nosy, I think it’s because it gives lawyers who want to be moms someday a lot of fear and anxiety and that naturally makes them want to reach out to others in the same position for support.

   3. TBH that’s mild…definitely out of bounds though…following this as I’m also looking for the best polite decline to invites to join the company softball team, relay run team, you name it…etc. they pursue relentlessly and ask why do you have something else to do? Ugh

      1. “Nope, that kind of thing is not my jam. Sorry.”

         1. Yep that’s it…now how do you respond when they push? “Come on, do you have something better to do?” “You’re the only one not joining in” …super annoying

            1. “I’ve taken a vow to never play organized sports again. Stop asking.”

            2. Just repeat. I love the Broken Record Technique:

               Hey, wanna join the team?

               Nope, that kind of thing is not my jam, sorry.

               Why not?

               Not my jam.

               But everybody else is doing it!

               Yeah, well it’s just not my jam.

               You are really gonna miss out!

               I can live with that. Not my jam.

               And so on ad infinitum!

            3. “I can’t even look at a kickball any more … not after The Incident.”
               Kid question: “No. The curse/my bloodline ends with me.”

               YMMV

            4. Totally stealing these responses.

            5. Might be snarky, but sometimes if I’ve already had to respond once, on second push I say outright, “I said it’s not my jam. Why do you need me to justify it further?”

         2. Agreed. You don’t owe them an explanation beyond that!

      2. For those, I’ve just learned to laugh it off. “Ha, trust me when I say you don’t want me on your team. Athletics isn’t my strong suit.” If the audience is appropriate, I’ll add something quippy like, “But if this was a pie baking contest, I’d have you all beat!”

      3. Depending on who’s asking, I’d be tempted to provide intentionally obtuse responses.

         Do you want to join the softball team?
         No, thank you. Have fun!
         But we really need women on the team!
         Hope you find someone!
         What, do you have something better going on?
         Yep!
         What’s so much better than the company softball team?
         Oh lots of things!
         Etc.

      4. I would have all my teeth if not for playing softball, so when asked to join sports teams I show off my dental implant. It’s not just fear mongering. My company has an annual softball tournament, and people have gotten seriously hurt. Broken ankles, torn kneecaps, and more.

         1. Yikes!!

   4. “That’s not something I’m interested in.” And then change the subject. It blows my mind that people think this is an ok question to ask people!

10. Government TSP advice – – if you’ve left federal government employment, how do you decide whether it makes sense to roll your TSP into an IRA with Vanguard for example? Any special considerations?

    1. Fees and returns. The TSP is the lowest cost retirement option I know of and has a multitude of investment options, so if you can stay, do.

    2. Would you ever want to do a backdoor Roth IRA? If so, you don’t want to move a 401k in to a traditional IRA.

       1. I’m OP – – I’m not even sure I know if I would qualify for a backdoor Roth IRA or why I would want to do one. I’ll need to research this. Any other factors I’m missing? I’ve spoken with the Vanguard rep about this, but know he’s not impartial

    3. I just left fed gov’t with a substantial amount in my TSP (200K+) and am keeping it there. I asked my colleagues who also left and they are doing the same, not worth the additional fees and as the above poster mentioned, the TSP has tons of options.

    4. When I left government, I kept my TSP as-is. My other investments (and a rollover IRA) are with Vanguard. Vanguard allows you to import your TSP (and other accounts) so you can watch all investments in one place.

11. About 2 months ago I posted here a few times about how I had a sudden inability to focus on work or force myself to do anything at work, even though I love my job. A bunch of posters suggested I might be depressed even though I don’t feel down/blue. Anyway, I have been on Wellbutrin for about 1.5 months and I just want to say thanks. I feel so much better, I probably have been needing this for years. My mood is about the same (good!) but I feel so much more focused, my thoughts are so much clearer/more organized. I am able to pump out excellent briefs in a single day. I think I felt like I had so much to do at work and I couldn’t process/prioritize it all and it was just causing me to shut down. Not anymore!

    1. Oh that’s so great!

    2. Good for you. If meds did it for you, great! I think for me all I need is a guy who is interested in me for me, not just b/c I have a job paying good money. FOOEY on that! I want a guy to marry me, but for all the RIGHT reasons. I made a mistake with my ex, and am now beyond all of that. I also love my job, my apartement, and only wish I could find a husband. Once I get that, then all I want is a baby or 2, and then I will also be happy! YAY!!!

    3. I’m glad to hear that! It’s interesting that you say this, I’m 18 months postpartum and recently came out of a foggy and unmotivated mental state where I felt unable to focus. I was never sad or unhappy at all and felt incredibly bonded with my baby immediately, so it never even occurred to me I might have postpartum depression. But this post makes me wonder if maybe I did.

       1. I don’t know, what you’re describing sounds pretty typical for having a new baby.

    4. I also got on Bupropion based on recommendations on this board about a year and a half ago when I was having a really hard time with work and family while recovering from a car accident (as the pedestrian) and it helped me immensely. I had quit and restarted the meds a few times with no ill side effects. Surprisingly, it’s not a life sentence!

12. Help me shop! What are your favorite watches under $200? My style is sort of minimalist.

    1. Skagen. The “Signatur” is available in a few different variations, very minimalist.

    2. Skagen. Fossil.

    3. I’ve found some simpler Bulovas in that price range, and I’m in year…four? of wearing it. I like leather wrist bands, so I’ve replaced it once via a quick stop at the local jeweler. It gets constant use.

    4. Shinola, purchased at The Rack or on eBay.

    5. Skagen sounds perfect for you.

    6. Ugh, I’m always so late to these posts, but here’s hoping you still are checking – try Mondaine Swiss watches. There are quite a few on sale right now (mondaine-usa dot com) and they are very simple and graphic. I love mine and it’s been very reliable.

    7. Daniel Wellington

13. How do you feel about the MBA after the name? I have one and don’t do it but my male colleagues are doing it….I know LinkedIn says not to do it….?

    1. What do your peers outside the organization do?

       In my line of work, people usually do put their degrees after their names, but most of those degrees end in “D.” I have a “D” degree and a master’s, and I only list the “D.”

    2. It’s common in some industries. I think financial planners and real estate agents always have an alphabet soup in their signature.

       1. I would be less likely to hire a financial planner or real estate agent who used “MBA” after their name. The fact of an MBA, without even knowing the degree-granting institution, demonstrates nothing to me. In fact, I’d be worried that a person thinks the MBA is that important (versus skills). Happy to see info about the MBA on a resume or LinkedIn, but it’s not the most important thing.

          Totally different for medicine, where ostensibly an MD or certain nursing degrees (and licensure) means you can save lives.

          1. Financial planners have things like CFP, ChFC, CLU…it would be STRANGE to have a financial planner use an MBA, but not unheard of. Not as in demand/status-y as CFP or ChFC though, so those will be more useful

14. Seeking advice on how to best support DH. He has had a terrible 2-year stretch: parent death, friend death, new boss at work who is difficult, and his own (mild but persistent) health problems. He’s exhibiting some classic symptoms of depression and anxiety — trouble sleeping, inability to focus, mood shifts. All understandable but he doesn’t want to seek any sort of therapy or treatment. He was raised to just white-knuckle through everything and that therapy is for weaklings. I don’t agree but he refuses to give it a try. Meanwhile I’m running the house, tending to our 2 kids, working my own challenging job and feeling completely frayed. Suggestions welcome.

    1. Poor guy and sorry you’re going through this and hanging tough….does he have other coping strategies such as exercise? Spiritual advisor?

    2. I bet in this situation, my husband would be more receptive if I put it in terms of the positive effect it would have on me and our family. Like, rather than thinking of it as something he needs to do because he’s failing, position it as something he can do to help everyone manage in a tough time. Or even, a favor to you, and he can quit if it doesn’t help anything within [x] months?

       1. I really like this approach.

          1. I do too. If I needed my husband to go to therapy because his issues were making our family life more difficult, I’d say it this way. A sort of “I and the kids need you to do this” spin rather than “you need to do this.” He’d be there yesterday. Hugs to you.

    3. “No. I don’t care if you think therapy is for weaklings, you are wrong. I cannot continue to go on like this with you depressed and unable to fully commit to contributing to our family. We’ve tried your way, it hasn’t worked, and you owe it to me and our children to try and fix this.”

       1. This.

          1. Seconded.

             Mine moved with “we tested that hypothesis, and it’s time to look toward something that gives you, especially in your role with our family, better traction. Overworked engines, and people burn out, and I’m out of capacity. What else can you do to help yourself and rebalance us/family life?”

             If frayed is where you are, you could phrase it as end-of-rope, tied-a-knot, hanging-on, but more needs to happen as fraying is showing up.

          2. Not this.

             As the spouse who is getting her a$$ kicked by life, I would only feel worse if my husband joined in.

             Anon at 3:06 has a much better approach. It allows him to succeed: by doing this thing for the family, he’s helping the family, and it shows they are on the same team.

             1. Then don’t put your spouse in this position and be receptive to getting the help you need.

             2. This has a two year build, with OP getting frayed, maybe a combination of this toughlove and 3:06. My thought is there has been a lot of extra work by OP, and it may be that the husband is not reading a softer message as a need for long-term improvement.

             3. You’re right, I never should have put my spouse in the position of dealing with me after I moved a thousand miles for his job.

                #smackdown

             4. Continuing my reply to Anonymous at 4:28 pm: it is important to distinguish between problems that are not anyone’s fault, are in the service of the marriage, and those caused by the person’s own issues.

                It’s not the husband’s fault that his friend died. It’s not the husband’s fault that his boss is horrible. The husband is going to work and dealing with it, presumably in service to the family, ie his income and career trajectory are good things for the family.

                You *cannot* treat that stuff like someone’s fault. That’s the whole “better or worse” thing that you signed up for when you married.

                Work as a team.

             5. Wow, Anon @ 5:35 literally nobody is saying anything that suggests that those issues are the husband’s fault or in his control. What IS in his control is how he deals with it. And his current strategy isn’t working.

             6. “Then don’t put your spouse in this position” is a direct quote. Given the context, it’s pretty obvious that she means to not ever be a drag on your spouse.

             7. Nope. I mean don’t put your spouse in the position of needing to force you to go to therapy because you dismiss it as for the weak.

    4. Also, stop. If he won’t do anything about it too bad so sad, he still had to do Saturday morning wake ups even if he didn’t sleep and is tired. Too bad so sad he doesn’t feel up to housework, he doesn’t have a maid. You’re enabling him.

       1. I have yet to find a way to force a grown man to do housework or child care. If OP doesn’t do it, it just won’t get done. Maybe OK for vacuuming, not OK for feeding children.

          1. Unfortunately, concur.

          2. It depends how depressed he is, but most adults who aren’t seriously mentally ill can be forced to deal with certain things. Unless she thinks her children will be unsafe with him, she should book a vacation ASAP and leave him home with the kids. He will have to get them fed.

    5. Could he try these things?

       It’s an uphill battle to add one more thing when your already exhausted, but exercise is probably the best natural anxiety/depression/sleeplessness treatment. Obviously not a substitute for meds/therapy but more palatable to a white-knuckler. Maybe he could at least commit to a regular workout if he doesn’t do this already?

       If he believes in generally taking care of his health, encourage him to get a physical and talk to the Dr about his symptoms (and possibly starting medication). It might help to sort of frame this as a physical health problem that requires a regular Dr visit (and might require some temporary medication), which has less stigma than a psychiatrist or therapist. And it requires less time/effort than talk therapy.

       1. Also, It’s ultimately up to him to help himself and there’s only so much you can do. Maybe you could take a break from focusing on him and find a way to address your own problem of feeling frayed/being overwhelmed. It’s a more manageable problem if you can find some actionable solutions that don’t depend on what he does or doesn’t do. Can you find a way to take something of your plate/some time to relax/treat yourself somehow?

    6. I agree with the approach of framing going to therapy or doing something is to help the family vs just him.

       A small suggestion, and a not fair one because you have enough on your plate, but could you come up with a short list of therapists for him to try calling and helping him navigate the different types of mental health professional he should see? Might be as simple as emailing your own doctor for this. I feel like if you are depressed, just getting over the hump of even knowing where to start can feel like a big hurdle.

       Also, can you somehow normalize it for him? Do you know other men that go to therapy that you can mention without it being a violation of privacy or trust? Or look up stats or ask a therapist about how to assure of this? Maybe men don’t talk about this stuff with each other, so they don’t see it as something people they identify with do. You can tell him that this internet stranger’s husband saw one when he was going through a rough patch and it helped. :)

    7. would he go to therapy if you both went together? My husband went to therapy after both his parents died suddenly and it was tremendously helpful for him. then eventually I started going with him – not to make the sessions “marriage counseling” per say, but just so that I could hear his perspective, and get objective advice from his therapist on how to help him, and what I couldn’t help him with.

    8. Don’t try to get him to go to therapy. Do try to quietly build in for both of you the things you know help with mild depression. Being outside, healthy food, mild exercise, time with a pet, etc.

15. I’m going to sound like my grouchy grandfather, but has anyone successfully gotten a cell phone company to waive the purchase of the phone? I’m with Sprint and this is the first time I’ve leased a iPhone. My lease is up next month and I basically have 2 options: upgrade my phone and start paying another lease, or pay over $200 to buy the phone I’ve been leasing for several years. This seems ridiculous to me. I’ve already paid for it!! Now they want another $200? I feel like canceling my account – I’ve been with Sprint for 15+ years. I know I sound like an old codger. Has anyone successfully gotten them to waive the purchase? There’s nothing at all wrong with the phone! TIA!

    1. No of course not. This is what you signed up for.

       1. +1. Unfortunately, that’s what leasing is. Try Verizon. You can just buy the phone outright with monthly payments that do end at some point.

       2. Dad agrees. You are an inhouse lawyer; and you signed up for the cheaper (leaseing) option, and now you are grouzing over the terms and conditions that you signed up for after using the phone for years? If you want to keep it, you must pay for it. You did NOT pay for it; you paid to LEASE it. All my freinds know the difference. Dad said the phone company lured you in with a lower monthly payment, but there is a BUYOUT at the end; you do NOT get it for fee. Sorry, but you need to know what you sign up to BEFORE you sign up. That is why Dad tells me what option’s to take, tho we are on a family Celular plan
          Dad arranged for all of us, and I do not pay anything at all! YAY!!!

    2. No, but you if you switch providers you can keep your number, so there’s no real downside to switching when your contract is up.

       1. You’d still have to pay the balance on the phone, though. And any other service provider likely has the same set up.

          1. Once you own your phone, you can take it to another provider the phone is compatible with. No need to buy a new phone unless you want to upgrade. Might have to do some googling to check which providers are compatible with your phone.

             1. She could do the same thing and stay on her current plan. OP’s issue here is that she doesn’t want to pay the remaining balance to own her phone outright.

    3. Can’t hurt to ask. You’ve been with them for 15 years and it might be worth a shot.

    4. I have Sprint too and just bought out two phones. I did the calculation and the amount I paid was the same as if I had bought it outright.

       1. Same here. It’s the same amount if you calculate.

       2. +2 also on Sprint and just bought my phone.

16. Woohoo! I’ve had a really crazy week – like cramming 5 days of work into 4 days. Leaving early and heading out to chill with new guy and eat dinner and watch movies. Cannot wait! Anybody else have fun plans this weekend?

    1. Fun work plans! My part of my organisation does a huge public facing tour each year as a public information, because what we deal in is something that people need to think about but generally don’t understand (think will-making or doing your taxes…), and I’m on my way to spend the weekend helping actual members of the public feel more confident about this aspect of their lives. To use Simon Sinek’s term, this is my “why.”

    2. Oh that sounds awesome! It’s cool and overcast here in DC (the inland effects of Dorian) and I’m totally feeling like snuggling with DH and the pups tonight :) And doing a little fall baking this weekend!

       1. Oh Lord, that sounds heavenly. We have a heat advisory and feels like temps of up to 110. I suspect we’ll be eating ice cream in the AC.

17. Is there a time of year that Saks has particularly good sales? Saks is normally out of my price range, but I’ve got that AmEx $50 credit twice per year (once Jan-June, once Jul-Dec), so I figure if I pair it with a good sale I can get some decent mileage out of it.Last time around I just bought a bath towel.

18. I need to vent not in real life because the whole thing sounds so ridiculous that I’m embarrassed to even admit it to anyone I know.

    I am so so jealous of one of my friends and she’s so nice that I also feel really guilty for feeling jealous. I know in similar situations people say to use the jealousy as motivation to change up your own life or to recognize that her life isn’t as perfect as it seems, but they just don’t apply here and I don’t know what to do.

    Friend has an adorable house in our HCOL suburb, a sweet husband, and a really cute kid. She has a big job in finance and manages to somehow commute to NYC but also be at all the important kid stuff during the week. She’s totally transparent that it’s sometimes a struggle and doesn’t insta-filter everything but she has her wealthy parents around the corner and a live in nanny. She’s friends with working moms and stay at home moms and is so open and friendly with everyone. Literally even her 3 year old saw my toddler awkwardly watching on the playground and her kid goes “come join us, I’ll show you how to play the game!” My kid still bites people! She’s invited a big group of people to spend a weekend at her parents beautiful house in a Florida and loves hosting and is so generous with it – casual pizza dinners w kids, themed parties, vacations. She’s conventionally pretty and comes rolling into our book club in tennis whites on a Tuesday at 8:30pm without a hair out of place. But if you ask her, she’ll give you the name of her dermatologist and admit to lasers and peels and Botox with a wink. She seems like Teflon where even the struggles aren’t that bad. I know she’s doing IVF for her second kid and even there it’s like the shots suck but I’m so grateful to have one and that I have great insurance to cover this and she’s so unruffled. I just constantly feel like how the actual he ll do you manage all this ?!

    I just feel like she sets a bar that I don’t even ever come close to reaching. I don’t have local family and never will. My relationship with my parents is strained. They don’t have multimillion dollar awesome vacation houses where I look forward to enjoying family time. I get really nervous hosting events. I do the same amount of professional grooming but don’t look nearly as put together. Managing my job and family and trying a hobby is a disaster.

    I just feel so blah and bad about even being jealous! Is distance the only solution?

    1. There are two separate things here: 1) she’s very lucky (beauty, wealthy parents, etc) and 2) she seems to be better than the average person at being grateful for what she has and not dwelling on what she doesn’t (the attitude about IVF). The latter is something that’s entirely within your control and it’s something I’d try to work on in therapy. The luck thing, I don’t know, can you try to frame it as some people are just lucky and at least she’s a good person who is deserving of all this luck? I know a lot of horrible people who are unfairly blessed, and at least this woman sounds kind and humble about it. It makes me sad to hear you’d consider distancing yourself from someone who seems like such a good friend, but if that’s what you gotta do, it’s your prerogative.

       1. Came here to say pretty much the same thing.

          You seem to be jealous as much of your friend’s sunny outlook on life as you do of her wonderful circumstances (although IVF is a bear).

          But here’s a different perspective: I know people who have been that richly blessed, and even more so, and are still unhappy. Their high-powered career isn’t rewarding enough. Their husband only takes them out on two date nights a week. Even if their parents have an eight-figure net worth and yachts, other people’s parents have nine-figure net worths and homes that were featured in magazines. If they have “lean out” jobs and rich husbands, they complain about the “social expectations” of motherhood and how it’s the worst thing ever.

          At least for me, I’m just so over (as the kids would say) people like that. Your friend has the sanity and perspective to understand how great her life is, and to share that with others. Here’s some advice: spend MORE time with people like that, not less. Then think about whether you are jealous of her perfect life or her sunny disposition, and if it’s the latter, work on gratefulness, perspective, and joy.

    2. Jealousy is a normal but unhelpful emotion. Jealous feelings are a symptom of some underlying unhappiness/frustration/insecurity/inadequacy/etc, but getting the feelings to stop or go away is easier said than done.

       When these negative feelings rise up, ask yourself what deeper feelings are these thoughts masking? Face those head on and deal with them. Speak to yourself as if you were comforting a good friend or giving a loved one a pep talk.

       You’ve listed out a bunch of things that would be nice to have in your life, but aren’t needs. People have strained family relations. People live far from extended family. Most people don’t have access to a tiny cabin, much less fabulous vacation house. People throw less than perfect parties. People don’t look conventionally pretty at all hours of the day. These same people still thrive.

       I suggest healing whatever it is inside of you that isn’t doing well. Become okay with who you are and what you have – you can’t body swap so you might as well accept your life, stains and all.

       Distance from this one person isn’t going to give you the space you need, because there are always people with greener grass, healthier hair, more well-behaved children.

       Signed, Been There and Did the Work, It Is Worth It. xo

    3. She sounds terrific. Focus on being a good friend for her and try to let the rest of it wash over you. You won’t be able to reciprocate with material experiences, but if she’s interested in being your friend that’s not what she is looking for anyhow. Your value isn’t monetary, your value may be someone with whom she can let her hair down.

    4. In addition to the wise thoughts of the other commenters thus far, I would also say, can you focus on counting your own blessings, and maybe even do some volunteering or something that forces you to get some perspective (e.g., serving meals at a soup kitchen)? You live in a HCOL suburb, have a job and a family and ostensibly are in decent health. You are incredibly lucky compared to so many people. I’m saying this gently–I have my own issues with jealousy and comparisons and would frankly be suspicious of anyone as cheerful as this woman sounds–but life is too short for this. Also, you can opt out of being perfect. When you are dying, are you going to regret that you didn’t look perfect at book club? If you choose to prioritize other things than she does, that is okay. Just give yourself credit for having made a choice and don’t apologize for it – e.g., I decided i wanted to spend my Saturday evening reading a trashy romance novel and drinking box wine, not buffing my cuticles, and dammit it was fun! I personally look less polished than some because I just don’t care enough to invest a lot of time in my appearance. I hate wearing makeup, my hair air dries, my clothes are on the edge of wrinkled and overdue for de-pilling, etc. I exercise and take care of myself in ways that matter to me.

       1. Yes, go work with the poors so you can be grateful you aren’t one . . . eye roll

          1. This is a really unfair characterization of her post

    5. I honestly think the solution is being less shallow. Which is hard. You have a friend struggling with infertility. It’s great she’s pretty and I’m sure she’d trade it all for a positive pregnancy test.

    6. Please think about your answer to this question: what set of circumstances would you need in your life in order to be deep-down content with your life?

       The purpose of this question isn’t to “change” whatever is “keeping you from happiness;” it’s to examine your own values and get perspective on your own life.

       The answer to that question could be something like, well, my husband just walked out on me for a younger woman and I have an autoimmune disease that leaves me half-crippled, so I would like to be at the point in my life wherein I can manage the disease and have worked through the betrayal, and maybe have found someone else. That tells you that you’re just in for a really sucky few years.

       Contrast that with answers about polish, higher earnings (well beyond the point at which the bills get paid), or just unrealistic expectations. “Fixing” those things won’t make you happy, because your life is good enough that you can choose to be happy or not.

    7. So, I had a friend like this. We weren’t close friends but we saw each other often at work-related events and had friends in common so we saw each other at social events also, and occasionally went to lunch together. Her life seemed perfect in many many ways and she went around with this amazing sunny attitude all the time. She just seemed to have it all together. I liked her but deep down I was resentful too. Like you, OP, sometimes I feel like I am just a hot mess, barely holding it together and this friend of mine had a way of making it all look so easy.
       A couple of years ago my friend was killed in a tragic accident. She was the last person we thought would die like that. Saying her death was a shock is a giant understatement. After she was gone, I realized that I really, really missed her. I miss her optimistic, positive outlook. I miss her humor and her generosity. I miss her can-do spirit and her championing of other people. She brought something into my life that no one has been able to replace.
       I totally, totally get where you are coming from and understand your feelings. At the same time, I’ll tell you that people like your friend are a treasure, so treasure them. Think about the good things she brings to your life and to the world, and focus on that. There were times I would turn down invites from my friend because I would think “ugh, I just can’t deal with Ms. My-Life-is-Perfect today” and now I have remorse about that. I look back on the times we spent together and feel like wow, those were great times. I wish we’d had more of them. I am honestly not trying to guilt you, but I wish someone had told me what I’m telling you, while my friend was still here. People come into our lives for a reason and there is a reason this woman is in your life. I’m also going to say, if you can’t embrace this, stepping away from the friendship is always an option. But I’m going to agree with what others here have said – for most of us, happiness genuinely is a choice.

    8. It’s said that everyone is the average of their five closest friends. Don’t push this woman away–pull her closer. Let her habits and outlook rub off on you. A free life coach in the form of a kind friend is right in front of you for the taking! Don’t blow this amazing chance.

19. Going to Paris with my two sisters in mid October. I’m looking for hotel recommendations, somewhere all three of us can stay in one room. I’m in my early 30s and they are late 20s. We don’t want to break the bank but want to be able to sleep well. We have all been to Paris before, so aren’t going to be serious sightseers, more just going to enjoy hanging out, eating good food, doing some shopping, and relaxing. Also, would appreciate all your must dos! Thanks!

    1. On our last trip to Paris, we found that an Air BnB was the option for 2 couples travelling together. We found a great apartment in the 11th with a view of the Sacre Coeur and the Eiffel Tower and were able to spend some time just enjoying the view, soaking in the whirlpool tub and chilling to the owner’s extensive ABBA collection.

       Things we have done that are more off the beaten path or new:
       – Fondation Vuitton (download the app before going, buy tix on the app, pay the couple bucks to take the cute bus from the Place Charles de Gaulle into the Bois (and window shop at Cartier before boarding!), enjoy the good but spendy ice cream and view on the roof, bring ear buds to listen the narration on the app while you enjoy the exhibits)
       – Parc Monceau either before or after the Musee Nissim de Camondo
       – Wander through Dehillerin in the 1st and admire the kitchen equipment, followed by scarf shopping at Wolff et Descourtis in Galleries Viviene (hat tip to the group her for the Wolff rec!)
       – Day trip to Reims to see the Cathedral and drink all the Champagne (only 40 minutes on the train!)
       – Day trip to Vaux le Vicomte
       – Buy all the chocolate at A L’Etoile d’Or in Montmartre
       – Go for late afternoon champagne in the cave in the basement of Dilettante (in the 5th or 6th, I think)

       1. Vaux le Vicomte doesn’t get the level of attention as some of the other chateaux, but it’s really lovely. Can’t recommend enough.

20. Just accepted a new job (so excited!) and have a question about health insurance. Current company is in the midst of open enrollment this week, new plan year starts October 1. I will be giving notice October 4. I just packed in all my medical appointments last week so I shouldn’t need medical attention before the new job’s insurance kicks in. Do I pick the pricier but better coverage regular plan, or the cheaper high deductible HSA plan? Any Cobra considerations I should keep in mind, just in case? Thanks!

    1. You would be eligible for Cobra under either plan. Assuming it is a relatively minor difference (under $100 a month?), I would actually probably go for the better coverage plan. You will only be paying for one month, unless you need to elect Cobra. And you will only get Cobra if something happens during the gap in your coverage, in which case you are going to want the better insurance. Given that I would only use it during an emergency, the extra $100 or less would be worth it to my piece of mind. (I would feel differently if it was an extra $500 a month, but I would be shocked if the difference was that big.)

       1. Thanks! This is what I opted to do. Difference is about $150, but if something happens during those three weeks the coverage is far better so it would cost less than the lesser option. Cobra shouldn’t come in to play since I won’t have any gap (new place insurance kicks in on day 1).

21. I have had it with hotel, restaurant and airline staff constant sexism. Tonight I went to dinner after work, solo because I am on the road, and the host had me wait while he seated two men who arrived at the front desk after me. He then showed them a prime table and had me taken to literally the worst table in the house. There were plenty of open tables but I had to argue with the staff to move me. I don’t usually complain because it’s a pain, but I have decided I am going to tackle this kind of B.S. every time it occurs until I see change. Care to join me? I just emailed the restaurant and told them their blatant sexism is unacceptable and clearly identified the staff member at fault. And if I don’t get a serious response from them I will let you all know which restaurant group it was.

    1. This isn’t sexism. This is taking care of his waiters. You are worth half the tip as two people. Why would he waste a prime table on a small check? Surefire way to screw over his waiters, who rely on tips to, you know, live.

       1. I don’t understand this. She’s being waited on either way, he didn’t make her order from a bar, right? Just gave her a table in a bad location. Why does putting her at a less desirable location have any effect on the tips his waiters earn?

       2. I agree this isn’t sexism, at least based on facts given, but disagree with the reason why. It is very common for restaurants to put single tables in out of the way spots, instead of in prime locations. We can debate if that make sense, but it has nothing to do with being female.

    2. Good for you! On the occasional trips I make for work, I do think that sometimes women are given lesser quality things simply because we complain less and accept it. Example, business trip I booked well in advance and had the room literally nearest the noisy highway. I sucked it up as it was an exhausting busy trip and I don’t like to make a fuss but the next stay at that hotel I told them I needed to be on the non-highway facing side and wow it was so much better.

    3. I’m with you! I travel a lot for work and women are treated like an oversight.

       When I eat out alone I’m always asked to sit at the bar even when tons of tables are open. Sometimes I push back and ask for a table because it’s uncomfortable to sit at the bar drinking club soda, plus men are more likely to hit on me at a bar when I just want to read my book!

       First class flight attendants piss me off too. When I’m upgraded (because I fly a lot, not because I pay for it), I’m often the only woman in first or one of two. The FA will walk around to every man asking to hang up his blazer and I find myself with my blazer in my lap waving my arm asking her to hang mine as well. During the flight I notice the mens’ glasses refilled constantly and sometimes I have to be “that person” and ask for a refill.

       I realize these are the pinnacle of first world problems but it’s just so frustrating to be treated as less worthy than a man when I’m literally doing the same things as them.

       1. OMG yes. I get upgraded to first fairly regularly in domestic flights and it is so gross how the flight attendants are so attentive to the businessmen, while ignoring women (and families too). I feel like I can’t complain about it, because it’s a very first world problem and I’m obviously treated better than the people in coach. But I hate the gender double standard!

       2. Yes! Exactly this. It is so annoying when I am literally the ONLY passenger in First Class that the flight attendant hasn’t asked to hang my jacket and offered a beverage because I’m the only female.

       3. On a recent flight with a couple of empty seats I was seated in a row with a urine scented drunk. The flight attendant assessed the situation and immediately moved the male business men in the row and left me (in my suit, so I was clearly also heading to meetings) to deal with him.

          1. What woman would treat another woman that way? I would have spoken up and asked to move…sorry you had to endure that.

             1. A lot of women are really sexist. And I’ve found that flight attendant is a profession that tends to attract women who have a very 1950s attitude with respect to gender roles and behavior. A flight attendant once tried to explain to my dad that “grab ‘em by the p-ssy” was ok because all men talk crudely about women with other men, and would cheat on their spouses given the opportunity.

    4. As others mentioned, part of the problem may be that women don’t always fight for what they want and don’t complain. I agree we should not have to fight to get equal service etc, but when you don’t like the way the staff treats you, say so, complain, ask for a better seat/better room/service. Don’t let it slide.
       I was traveling solo in Italy and had a staff once trying to sit me in high-traffic area when many other tables were free (no clear reservation sign). I asked them very clearly for a table I liked or I walk away. No issues since then.
       A friend uses a trick in restaurants – she says she will be joined by a friend, asks for a table for two and never bothers to explain why she is not waiting with the order for the friend. Effective.

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