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I read a long time ago that a 1″ belt is considered the “classic” belt size for women, and while the skinny belt has had its place, for trousers sometimes a 1″ belt really is the best. This simple little Halogen belt looks simple, unobtrusive, and well made; it comes in 6 colors (including “clay beige,” pictured), and is $36. Huzzah. (Note that no, you don't have to wear belts — but I do think if you're tucking your blouse in and your pant has belt loops, a belt is a nice touch.) Those of you who wear belts: which are your favorite, classic belts? Halogen® Leather Belt
Here's a lower-priced belt and two plus-size alternatives (here and here).
(L-5)
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
daisy_m
I have a few plain leather ones, but my favorite is a still muted statement Burberry waist belt, in beige with the classic Burberry check patten.
CorporateInCarhartt
Tell me more … is it like a stamp on the leather? Or printed on the leather? I am intrigued.
Anonymous
I’m a first year in Biglaw, and while everyone at my firm is very nice, lately I have been feeling discontented with the fact that I never feel like I’m off the clock and the assignments I get aren’t very interesting. Financially speaking, I need to stick it out for at least a couple more years. For those of you in Biglaw, how do you keep yourself happy and energized despite the fact that this work can be a very bad combo of incredibly demanding and incredibly unfulfilling?
Also, vaguely related, for those of you who have clerked, what did you think about clerking after having worked for a couple of years, and do you have any advice as to how to go about the process?
ace
How far into your first year are you? If you started in September or later, give it time — there’s a pretty steep ramp up but most people don’t get their feet under them 12-18 mos. As the first year in your group, you are correct that (a) you’re not going to get terribly interesting work; and (b) you are going to be on call all the time.*
*YMMV depending on your firm/group, but I’ve seen this across a variety of practices at a few firms now and I think it’s pretty much true.
However, once you have more experience and a newer/cheaper/more junior person shows up, things tend to improve. Grit your teeth & reevaluate next fall/winter before you make any major decisions.
B
FWIW this is true of the engineering profession as well, at least in my industry. Initially you work a lot of 12 hour / 7 day shifts for revamps or maintenance, and you’re not really engineering anything at all. I suspect all professional occupations have an arduous, all-consuming break-in period that you kind of just have to live through. (I’m pretty sure our friends in the medical profession have the same). Hugs!
platinomad
Yeah I thought about this and really agree. I think this is at least somewhat true in all “entry level” positions, particularly in the business world. I know a new lawyer is different than a college grad starting a consulting position for a variety of reasons, but I see a lot of people entering my firm as a first job and feeling discontented that they aren’t getting super interesting assignments and that they are expected to work all the time. The combination of not having any experience and being the lowest on the totem pole isn’t fun, but it also is temporary. I think its better to evaluate how you feel after 12-18 months when at least there should be new batch of people newer and less experienced than you.
ace
ITA – and I think “low man on the totem pole” is exactly the right saying that I was struggling to find. The most reliable way to get more interest work/not be on call 100% of the time is to have someone more junior join your group.
Anonymous
(OP) Thanks for the kind words! I know that this is all just part of paying my dues, and that the answer is just to power through. It’s just difficult when time seems to be moving at a snail’s pace (although hopefully the end of this awful winter will help)!
Ellen
Yay! I love Leather Belt’s, Kat and this is a nice one–I REALY like BEIGE also!
As for the OP, yes, workeing as a lawyer can be taxeing, but you have to roll with the punches. Ocasionally your manageing partner can be a pain, but you have to take the good with the bad. As for hours, yes it is tough, b/c my manageing partner has INCREASED my billeables b/c we have tested our cleint’s and they go along with the hours and rates and as a result, I can get a bigger bonus next year if I do 7500 hours. But this does NOT leave to much time for a personal life, and I, presumeably like you, want to leave this to get MARRIED and have Kid’s and a house in the suburb’s. But the probelem is I need a MAN first. Most guy’s do NOT want to marry–they just want to test the water’s, meaning haveing sex, but that is NOT rewarding for me–to have some schlub huffeing and puffeing on top of me, then rolling over and staining my Egyptiean Cotton Sheet’s. FOOEY!
As far as the fulfilling part of the job–yes, I hear you that it can be UNfulfilling, but you have to tell your manageing partner you will ONLEY take cases that are more meaneingful. Have them give the dull one’s to the Mason in YOUR office. Every office has a schlub like Mason to do the crappey cases. If you get more meaneingful, the long hour’s won’t matter to much. But you will STILL need to find a husband to take you away from all of this so that you can have a life of leesure in the suburb’s, like Rosa does. That is what I want. A life where the biggest thing I have to decide each day is where to go to eat lunch and shop, and later, once we have kid’s, what to tell the NANNY about what to shop for and cook dinner. My dad say’s that should be what all ladie’s aspire to. I said YAY if I can get it. In the mean time, we must work to find SPOUSE’S who will MARRY us! YAY!!!!
Anonymous
Being on call all the time is unlikely to change. I hoped/expected it would but it has not (I’m a 5th year now & have people more junior than me on all my cases). Thinking about the fact that we are so well-compensated for this demanding job helps. And while, yes, you will have to be “on call” during all your waking hours and may have to cancel plans when things come up, for your mental and physical health you can (and should) set boundaries. You don’t need to check email in the middle of the night. I typically am not on email from 10 pm to 8 am because I need roughly 9 hours of sleep a night, and an hour to wind down or I can’t fall asleep, and it has not caused any problems. Of course if you know you will have a late filing or something will be happening earlier in the morning you will have to make an exception, but this works as a general practice so long as you are flexible. The earlier you establish this practice the better, because if you make yourself available 24/7 people will come to expect that from you and will push back hard if you try to cut back.
If you’re not getting interesting work, you should definitely consider lateraling. If you’re in litigation, you will probably have to do some doc review and lots of legal research as a junior, but even as a first year you should be getting plenty of experience drafting briefs & assisting with some other more interesting tasks, such as depo prep or expert work. More details about what you’re doing can help people assess whether it’s normal or not.
roses
Yes to this. It is tiring to have to check email all the time during waking hours, but I have set firm boundaries that I will not work late at night unless it is truly urgent. And partners notice and respect this. Funny anecdote – I once woke up and had 50 unread emails, mostly consisting of a long exchange between a partner and 2 associates in my group. The partner said he felt bad for ME that I had to wake up to all of that – no mention of the 2 other associates who were awake, because they always work late at night. In the long run, you will be a more effective, careful, and long-serving employee if you have some mental time off.
JJ
So, you just described the life of pretty much every lawyer in Biglaw. It will get better, but the reason they pay so much is because clients expect so much. And you have to pay your dues as a young lawyer with the incredibly dull assignments (and doing them well) before partners will start assigning you the more interesting work.
If you’re very new (like, graduated in May 2014 or December 2015), then this is par for the course and part of the incredibly steep learning curve it takes from transitioning to lawyer from law student. Hang in there, do good work, set reasonable boundaries, and after more time has passed, start advocating for bigger (and more interesting) assignments.
Anonymous
Um yeah so this is law, and you need to just do it. You shouldn’t be doing really interesting work yet. You don’t know what you’re doing. And all the money is because you’re always on call.
Anonymous
It’s funny to me that this is the common belief in large law firms. I guess it is because you’re dealing with multi-million dollar cases and clients can’t afford a screw up, but the idea that you shouldn’t be doing interesting work yet in any area of the law right out of law school is FLAT OUT WRONG. Talk to any prosecutor or public defender who has trials upon trials and people’s lives in their hands. They are doing interesting work and learn what they have to do before they do it.
I was a public defender after law school and moved into a small private firm within a few years that did both criminal and civil work. I was thrown into a deposition on my first day at the firm despite having zero civil experience. I know this is not how biglaw works, but the judgments regarding the “right” way to practice law get really old.
Anonymous
Except she specified that she is talking BigLaw here. Idk why I need to give a disclaimer about all the other options.
Anonymous
“Um yeah so this is law.” Wrong.
CountC
“And all the money . . . ” is clearly an indicator she is talking about BigLaw.
la vie en bleu
use the money you have available to give little treats to yourself? For me it would be buying the best chocolate there is ;o) Getting season tickets to the opera, stuff like that. I worked a job with insane hours and I was completely exhausted and I bought myself a plane ticket for a trip I wanted to do when the job was over, so that I had this one thing to look forward to and fantasize about when I wanted to go home and I couldn’t. Can you find things like that to set as little mini-goals for yourself for each month? So you always can think: I just have to make it to *reservations for famous restaurant* or something like that? and then once that is over, you focus on the next one?
Anonymous
(OP) Thanks–I really like the idea of having one “special thing” to look forward to each month!
Anonymous
Along the same lines, throw money at everything in your life that you can to free up your time. Hire a cleaning service, order meal & grocery delivery, hire a dog walker, etc. There’s been discussion here before of all the things you can hire out.
Anon
This is true- but also, be wary of the golden handcuffs. You mentioned financial reasons for staying in biglaw- don’t lose sight of your financial goals and wind up having to stick in a job you may still hate in 5 years. Hire out for sure, because at a certain point time is more valuable than money, but evaluate whether you’re just shackling yourself to another year.
Batgirl
I would just caution here that this is what’s called “golden handcuffs.” Don’t get so accustomed to these treats that you forget that you’re there for a financial goal (at least your post made it sound like you were). I was pretty frugal when I was at my firm and my only regret is that I still didn’t save every dime I could. And I was pretty damn good about it!
Anonymous
I think there’s a huge difference between spending money on things that free up your time like cleaning service and meal delivery vs. getting accustomed to splurging on unnecessary luxury items like designer handbags & fancy vacations because you have a huge income. The former is, in my opinion, necessary to survive in a job like this for any reasonable length of time. The latter is what I really think of as the “golden handcuffs.” I agree with your sentiment though, and would think of these things like the cleaning service not as luxuries you will always have but as a “price of admission” while you have you fancy job/fancy salary.
Anonymous
(OP) Thanks for the comments! Let me rephrase a bit–I’m not saying that I’m surprised by this or that I “should” be getting more interesting work; I know that I’m very inexperienced and I’m very grateful for the salary I’m earning. I’m asking more whether anyone has tips for staying positive during the period when I’m paying my dues / paying off my loans, given that I don’t have the time for many leisure activities anymore.
anon-oh-no
stop being bored by the “uninteresting” work. I was never (well, rarely) bored or uninterested in the work as a junior associate because I just wouldn’t let myself be. tell yourself you are going to be “the best d@mn document reviewer” or researcher or whatever. And then do it. It will not only make the work more interesting, it will make you a better lawyer.
roses
For a different perspective…my approach was to catch up on a lot of very interesting TV series and podcasts while I was doing mindless doc review :)
Emily
I don’t know how you could ethically do doc review and watch TV!
Batgirl
You definitely can. Half the time, I was reviewing for certain key words/names. It was truly mindless.
Anonymous
Oh c’mon. You can certainly have TV on in the background while doing truly mindless work like doc review. Nothing unethical about that.
momentarily anonymous
I totally agree with this. Not sure what practice you’re in, but I was never bored as a first year. I viewed every assignment as an opportunity to learn / practice my skills. Things I did (and still do, am only a second year)-
– I used preparing schedules/signature pages as an opportunity to test out different systems of organization to find out what worked for me.
-When I do diligence, I spend time researching unusual provisions I come across in documents to figure out their purpose/potential legal pitfalls.
-Every time I hear someone mention something I’ve not heard of before (in my practice area and those related to my own), I add it to my list, and look it up before I leave for the day.
– I treated working with mid-levels/partners like practice for interacting with clients – figuring out what they need, how they like to communicate, what they prioritize, etc.
– I worked on establishing positive working relationships with people in other groups and opposing counsel, which is helpful on future deals.
As to fixing your mood, I don’t complain about work – I (very rarely) vent to my husband, but when something happens that’s frustrating, I just make the best of the situation, and always give people the benefit of the doubt (even if they may not deserve it). It really helps with my mood, and makes the job less stressful.
Cat
I’ll offer a different perspective. Continue to live frugally and make your “treat” to yourself paying extra on your loans each month and socking away long-term savings. Then, after a few years, you’re what people at my firm call a “free agent” because you’re not dependent on the salary for your lifestyle. I had a little countdown of how many months left to go on the loans – and how much shorter it would be if I paid extra. Even though I’ve stayed at my firm a few years since that day, I LOVE knowing I could leave and comfortably afford a decent sized pay cut to do so!
Do as much as possible from your desk. Bring your bills in (if you have any that are paper any more) to do at work while you have downtime. The one activity I’d recommend spending extra on is grocery delivery – errand running is such a time suck on weekends and if you’re stocked up with easy meals to heat up at home, you’re less likely to spend a ton on takeout.
ETA – try not to dwell too much about how boring your work is, because it ends up showing. Showing enthusiasm for getting the details right is how you demonstrate to the senior associates that you care enough to be given more substantive work.
L in DC
+1000
JJ
In that case, find a hobby (or get back into an existing one) that you enjoy devoting free time to. It gives you purpose during your downtime and something to look forward to when you’re reviewing endless documents. Hire a housekeeper to save yourself that work. Schedule lunches with law school friends to keep in touch and commiserate. I agree with always having something small to look forward to.I make sure and always have a vacation planned and booked, even if it is months and months away. It at least gives me something major to work for.
Gail the Goldfish
It’s been surprisingly hard to find plain leather belts with not-crazy buckles in this width. I’m going to order several.
D. Meagle
I recently got promoted at work. A colleague who was at a similar level, but not in my department, did not get a promotion, and I heard through the grapevine that she was not happy, and was in fact complaining about it. Its not clear if she was upset that it was me not her who got a promotion, or if she was upset that she did not get promoted as well. Once the promotion was made public, she congratulated me, but then she basically stopped speaking with me. We had been friendly before this happened — occasional lunches, stopping by each other’s office to chat, sharing personal news. Now she blows me off when I see her around the office. I heard through the office grapevine that there are some really wonderful things going on in her personal life right now, but she hasn’t shared the information with me personally. I’m not entirely sure why this is bothering me — its not like we were friends outside of the office. I think it might be because I’ve been having all these impostor syndrome feelings, like I think people are surprised I got the promotion, and this is just a manifestation of my self-doubts (which is not a Donna Meagle way to feel!!!).
AIMS
Engagement party question: the couple has a registry. Do you bring the gift with you to the party or just have it sent to them? I know it’s a big faux pas to bring an actual gift to the wedding (unless it’s in a card), but can’t remember if the same rules apply to engagement parties? I seem to recall physical gifts being okay but it’s been a while since I last attended one. Thoughts?
Anon
I think either way is fine. If the gift is big and the party is not at their home it’s probably easier to send it to their home.
B
IDK because it’s normal to bring presents to weddings in my area. Big table set up for display, etc.
TO Lawyer
If this helps, the last few engagement parties I’ve been to, people have brought physical gifts.
Anonymous
None of the above. It’s rude to register for an engagement party! Bring a card and a smile.
AIMS
Ha. I don’t think the registry is specifically for the engagement party. They just happen to have one and I am going to get them a gift because I want to. But maybe I should just get them something off registry like a nice bottle of champagne and 2 flutes and be done with it.
Anonymous
Yes do this!!!
Bonnie
I’d avoid the 2 flutes and champagne idea. While the idea is excellent in theory, we have several sets of different flutes now.
Baconpancakes
This. Champagne, yes. Flutes, no, unless they’re flutes off your friends’ registry.
Mo
In my circles, it would raise eyebrows for someone to broadcast that they had a registry at the time of the engagement party, but I think it’s pretty common in areas/social circles where people give checks for the wedding itself.
AIMS
To be clear, no one broadcast this. I googled the couple’s name and found their registry using my keen Murder, She Knows senses.
I was invited to another wedding this summer and when I googled for that registry the event date just listed the date of the bride’s shower (to which I am not invited). That I thought was a little tacky. But different strokes for different folks, I guess…
Cat
Recent parties I’ve attended (admittedly 2-3 years ago), most people brought a wrapped gift. From an informal poll of friends, people spent $25-50 – getting a small bowl or a few glasses from the registry.
Baconpancakes
Dang, the last bridal shower I went to featured a KitchenAid, a top-line breadmaker, and Le Creuset. I was embarrassed to bring my on-the-registry-but-purchased-on-sale-at-TJMaxx Le Creuset piece.
Anon
Has anyone eloped? What was your experience like? How did you make that decision?
My fiance and I are thinking about eloping but we don’t know anyone who has. From the internet, it seems like no one who elopes regrets it, but of course weddings are the norm. We’ve floated the idea past our parents and they seem okay with it. We have a prospective wedding venue and caterer picked out, and know that the wedding we would have would be about $25k, plus honeymoon costs. Eloping would be much cheaper, take much less time to plan, and would be less stressful (for me, anxious around events / large groups). We wouldn’t go into debt for a wedding but $25k is a lot of money. Any reason not to elope?
waffles
We eloped, nearly 14 years ago now – and I don’t regret it at all. Mostly for the reasons that you mentioned. It was easier, cheaper, and less stressful. We didn’t really want a lot of attention on us, so eloping fit us better.
Having said that, I sometimes watch “Say yes to the dress” and feel like I missed that experience. If I were to do it again, I probably would elope with a really nice dress :)
anon for this
Honestly, I regret NOT eloping. I wanted to elope but it was important to my husband to have his friends and family there, so we put on a small-ish wedding and tried to make it as classy as possible within a reasonable budget. There were a few fun moments being the bride, but it was mainly just a lot of work and stress and trying to make everyone else happy. I went along with several vendor choices I wasn’t really satisfied with, just to get things done and avoid any potential for conflict. We ended up with lackluster flowers, an obnoxious DJ who embarrassed us several times, and, worst of all, terrible photos. To save money I bought a sample gown and had it altered several sizes, which did not work out so well. There were ridiculous parental demands and misbehavior that are now what people remember most about our wedding. On the other hand, it was fun to be able to go back years later and show our daughter the church where we were married.
Anonymous
I am so glad I am not the only one who has these types of regrets–just got married last year, and I was basically stressed the whole time, some family STILL wasn’t happy, the family members I didn’t expect to be supportive were wonderful but my mom was awful, I hated the way my hair turned out, and I had the exact same issues with my dress (bought a sample, didn’t love the alterations).
I threw up the next morning from residual anxiety.
On the other hand, it was a gorgeous place, the food was fantastic, the flowers were lovely, and I ended up married, which was the goal :)
Anonymous
We didn’t elope but had a small wedding, fifty people, planned in two months. Champagne, hors douvres, ( sp?) and cake, in a historic mansion. Piano player. I still got to have my say yes to the dress moment. ( but not for $2000 plus!)I’d do it that way again.
Anonymous
We had a wedding that my parents paid for, but it costs significantly less than $25K (about half that). I enjoyed it and it was wonderful having all of our loved ones in one place, but I would never describe it as one of the happiest or most important days of my life. I was frankly very relieved when it was over and my husband and I could head off on our honeymoon, just the two of us. I’m an introvert and don’t really like being the center of attention or socializing in big groups, even when I know everyone. And I felt obligated to make small talk with a lot of people I didn’t really know, like my husband’s extended family. I’m glad we did it, given that the cost to us was $0 but I definitely wouldn’t have paid $25K out of pocket for it. Are you sure you can’t do it for significantly less? If it’s really going to cost that much and you are interested in eloping, I’d go for it. I doubt you will regret it. Another option in between elopement and big wedding is to have a very small (destination?) wedding with just you guys, parents, siblings, grandparents and maybe a couple of very close friends? I feel like that is an ideal option, especially if your family and your in-laws get along well.
Anon
Family and in-laws do not get along well :)
I realize a lot of people don’t spend this much – but because we already picked out the venue / caterer it is hard to think about scaling back on the wedding. Same goes for the guest list..but considering something smaller in price and guests is a good idea. We were thinking of a 2016 wedding so we have lots of time.
Scarlett
Lots on this topic on this morning’s thread.
Anon
Oh thanks – that was me, but it didn’t come up as posted for some reason. Sorry for the double post.
BB
I read most of the replies on the morning thread, and I think TLDR: If your families will be annoyed/sad AND this will bother you, then you should have the wedding. If only one or fewer parts of this statement are true, elope away!
(And obviously, if you want a wedding for yourself, have a wedding!)
OP
Great summary. I think we’re in the eloping-is-possible camp, just need to figure out if it’s really what we want. I’m thinking yes more and more…
anomom
We eloped. I wish I’d thrown a party afterwards, with only the people I wanted to invite. A la Carrie and Mr. Big’s surprise lunch after the quiet, private registry wedding. As it is, we have no photos, had no cake and only a private celebration.
Asideralis
We semi-eloped. We were 21 and couldn’t afford a large wedding. So, we planned a small “wedding” on Halloween in 2010 and only close family knew about it. We handled it in a “it’s not a wedding, but you’re welcome to come if you’d like” sort of way. And we went out to lunch afterwards with everyone. I’m glad we did it that way, but my dad bitched that I wore a black dress. My SO’s mum attended, but not his dad.
Honestly, I wish his parents hadn’t have even bothered showing up. really.
anonforthis
What to do when you are so incredibly abominably unbearably miserable at work?
Things weren’t great before, and I had already decided to leave, but I have been recently assigned to a new boss who is just a bully. As in a screaming, cursing, eye-rolling monster. He took away previously my approved vacation time and flexible work schedule, yet gives very little work to me or anyone else. He’s grossly incompetent, yet very senior and buddy-buddy with C-level management. The whole department is a dysfunctional political hell, with someone quitting every few weeks.
I’m trying as hard as I can to use my negative energy to find a new job, and I know I will get one eventually, but in the meantime I want to scream all day. I dread going to work and have a constant internal dialogue of negativity. After work, it’s so hard to put this out of my mind (especially when I have to use that time to job search). I’m even having office-related nightmares. Tips for surviving the day-to-day? “It get better” stories? I need a glass of wine.
B
I have been there, and gotten out via lateral transfers within the company. In the end, it worked out well for me – it made me willing to try positions that I wouldn’t have considered otherwise, and those worked out GREAT. I don’t have much other advice besides that – survive, get out, and then give yourself some room to heal afterwards. Because you will need to.
anon
sounds like it should go up the chain to HR? Taking away previously-approved vacation? Cursing/screaming could be construed as inhospitable work environment, or whatever you want to call it. That is not OK. From anyone.
Maizie
Askamanager(dot)org has discussed this topic several times. Comments vary from constructive suggestions to plain old internet hugs and moral support. Most people recommend exactly what you’re doing: working diligently to get the h*** out of there. Hang in there and keep telling yourself that your professional and personal worth are far, far higher than anything your demonic boss might think, say, or scream. Also keep telling yourself that karma will eventually catch up with him (or that he must be really unhappy _right now_ if he’s behaving this badly).
XC
You are not alone. I am in a similar situation, but with a female boss. There is high turnover at my company, and the new hires for my team aren’t lasting. The stress and anger I feel at work has caused health issues – back pain (almost wasn’t able to use my right arm), migraines, sickness, and tired all the time. Like you, I tend to take my frustrations home and stay up at night playing over the day’s injustices. This job is making me a negative and envious person which I don’t like.
What I have been doing to fight back is using my days off to call out(once a month) and take a mental health break. I got a body scrub and massage, and vowed that I want that inner peace daily. I no longer stay in the office from 9am-6:30pm or later without taking a lunch break. Now that the weather is getting better, I really will take my hour lunch. When it gets particularly bad, I started pulling up the serenity prayer and repeating that until I feel better. I have also reached out to my friends more and try to do more self care.
I haven’t applied to any jobs yet because I have just been so mentally exhausted/sick after work, that all I can do is sit on my couch and zone out. However, I know that if I ever want to get out, I have to take that extra step. Hopefully typing this out, will help me be accountable. I’m tired of being reactive.
I hope things get better for you soon.
L
It gets better. I had someone that I had an escape plan because they were so nuts. I did mental bingo and at the end of the week, if I hit so many “bingos” I got a present! It’s how I have such nice shoes :)
Notes
I wrote myself notes and put them in sealed envelopes in my desk drawer. When things were really bad, I would open one up and read the encouraging message I had written to myself. I recycled them (otherwise I would have run out too soon), but I mixed them up so I never knew which one I would get.
Also agree with whoever posted (on the morning thread?) that having one non-work thing each week or each month to look first plan and then forward to helped a lot. Sometimes that was “clean my closet” instead of “see that great painting exhibition,” but even home tasks were good because I was by myself and felt a sense of accomplishment.
Emily
I had a similar situation (without the taking away preapproved vacation–can they do THAT?!), and I would come in as late as I conceivably could, take 2 hour lunches to go workout, and then do as many chores/errands from my desk as I could (e.g. edit resume, network, community service stuff involving emailing, drafting).
Also, I tried to find as many positive aspects, such as people I liked, and who shared the same boss, and we’d get together for coping fests.
2 Cents
This sounds like me at my last job. I knew that they *could* monitor the sites I was on, but they weren’t going to check. I downloaded the Indeed job app on my phone and would scroll through that. I read Ask A Manager. On my train ride home, I’d do the Indeed thing again and pare down the list to only “must apply.” I had a few versions of my resume to fit with what I was applying for so only the cover letter (the hardest part!) was left to do. If I sent out 1-3 job apps a night, I felt like I had accomplished something.
I’m sorry your boss is a grade A jerk.
mintberrycrunch
Amazon return question: Has anyone ever successfully returned items to Amazon (which were sold by Amazon) after the thirty day return policy has expired? I’d be fine with Amazon credit, but I can’t figure out whether they’ll even take them back! Help!
Anonymous
Try chatting with Amazon support online and asking. They’re usually responsive & helpful.
anon
+1. I did this for 2 items and they sent me a label to return.
BankrAtty
This always works for me.
mintberrycrunch
Thanks! I totally forgot about the chat option – that worked like a charm! Corporette to the rescue, once again!
Lyssa
I did that a couple of years ago with a maternity dress that I didn’t like but let sit, and they were really good about it – they charged me a little bit of a restocking fee, but it was not that much. I’m pretty sure that they gave me a refund, not credit, and said something in the email about “This is technically against our policy, but we’ll let it be since you haven’t done it before.”
I just sent it back via the usual process, but late, without asking first. I’ll bet if you call or email, you can probably get them to waive the fee, too.
Anon for this one
How do you gently tell your mother or other loved ones to stop asking about your fertility? We’ve been trying for a baby for about 15 months and with no luck so far. Our parents know generally that we’d like to have a kid but we haven’t talked about it in any detail. My in-laws are too polite to ask for more info even though I know they are anxious for a grandbaby. My mom knows that we’ve started “trying” about a year or so ago and has also been pretty quiet about it, but recently has just started pestering me with questions. Some are very mild, like when I went for a check up with my ob-gyn a few months ago and she wanted to know if “everything was all right” and I said it was and she said, “good! so you just have to keep trying!” But she’s starting to get more intrusive. For instance, this weekend she wanted to know what our plan was if we still “can’t get this done on our own.” Then this morning I got a whole lecture out of the blue about how I’m getting too old to wait for this to happen on its own — I’m 33, btw — and I should really listen to her about making a more concerted effort to get pregnant ASAP, even if I have to use pills or whatever else, because soon I’ll be older and it is not fun to have kids when you’re older. She ended this speech with a pronouncement that, “every year in your 30s is like 4 years!”
Anyway, I love my mom and we are supremely close. I usually share everything with her and we talk daily. But for some reason I just do not want to discuss this with anyone but my husband, and especially not with her. I don’t even know why I don’t want to talk about it other than I guess it’s very personal and I hate talking about it with people because everyone seems to have a magic solution and I just don’t want to go down that rabbit hole quite yet. It’s not entirely rational and I know she means well, but I would love some thoughts on what to say to her to make it clear that I really don’t want to discuss this without hurting her feelings. This morning I just said, “I love you and I hear what you are saying but I don’t want to talk about this right now” but I’m not sure how long that will hold her off.
Anonymous
Mom, I love how close we are, but this is very personal and I don’t want to discuss it with anyone except my husband. I will let you know if that changes and I appreciate your giving me the space to deal with this the way I need to, because it’s hard.
And get less nice from there.
Anon in NYC
I think this is perfect. It also sounds like your mom is asking because you’re not giving her more info. Like, she doesn’t know how seriously you and your husband are taking this, so she feels the need to tell you to take it seriously. At least that’s how my mom works. So I think adding in something like, “Mom, this is something that [husband] and I are taking seriously, and your comments implying that we’re not or that I’m getting to be too old to have children, are very hurtful and upsetting to me” might be helpful.
And holy hell, OP, you are a lot nicer than I would be in your shoes!
Anon for this one
This is a good point. I think I need to remind myself that she is coming from a good place more often. It’s so easy to just dread her mentioning it that I forget that she really just wants to help me in this situation.
anon
No advice, just want to share my sympathies. I could have written this myself.
Anonymous
+1
anonymous
+1
Anon3
+3. If i wasn’t an only child I’d think we’d have the same mom.
FWIW
Yes, this. (What anonymous at 3:44 said)
Also, hugs and commiseration. Every time people get up all in my uterine status I literally want to scream in their faces, ‘I’m working on it, you insensitive f-(ker.
It’s one of the most isolating experiences of my life. Know that you are not alone.
Anon for this one
It really is so isolating! In some ways even from one’s partner because I think we try to be optimistic and cheerful for each other and sometimes it’s hard. Thank g*d for the internet. Hugs to you too.
JJ
Ugh, this is a horrible thing to go though (been there). I eventually told my mom that I loved her and how much she cared, but that talking about it was difficult and please let me bring it up – if at all – on my terms.
My sympathies to all of you going through this. It’s a terrible feeling.
anon
I am in a lot of pain over this right now. I am avoiding everyone but my family. I told my MIL, who proceeded to show me all the baby things of my husband’s that she wanted to give me when I got lucky. It was not helpful.
Anon for this one
This is part of why I don’t want to talk about it. The few friends I tried sharing with were not that helpful. One told me how she got pregnant twice on the first try; she followed this up more recently by telling me to “delay having children as long as you can because mine are driving me nuts right now!” I didn’t take offense at the last comment because I know she didn’t mean to be insensitive and I really am trying to enjoy my freedom now while we are still able to have impromptu dinners out and travel and all that, but ugh… Another friend who had a lot of struggles with this before finally getting pregnant and that I thought would be more understanding, basically just told me to go see a bunch of healers and yogis and told me that if it wasn’t happening now, it’s because it wasn’t my time and the universe was trying to tell me that. Um, thanks. Another good friend who I can normally count on to be more sensitive to these things just “accidentally” got pregnant “way ahead of schedule” so I don’t feel entirely right sharing this with her at all. My mom probably would be a good person to talk to about this but she, too, likes to say how she always had no trouble getting pregnant, even when she was trying not to, and so I don’t really want to talk about it with her at all. She means well, but I can’t get it out of mind how when a cousin of mine couldn’t get pregnant for a year, my mom kept telling me “what do you think is going on, this makes no sense” over and over and over…
Anyway, I’m sorry for you anon at 4:55 and for everyone else struggling with this. It really is so freaking isolating! Thanks for the advice all. I think I’m going to try your script and hopefully my mom will give me some breathing room without taking it too personally.
Batgirl
I have to say, it’s different for everyone, but it’s been really helpful for me to be open about my fertility issues. And if someone says something insensitive after being made aware of it, I tend to gently call say something about it feeling hurtful or insensitive.
Anon for this one
I’m glad that helps you and some part of me does wish people were just generally more open about these things. That said I think this is a know yourself kind of situation. The times I’ve tried to talk about it, I walked away feeling worse, not better.
anon 4:55
Thanks, anon for this, and hugs!
Baconpancakes
Wow, all of y’all are way more polite than I would be. I think my response would be something along the lines of: “Mom, since you’re so invested in my s3x life, would you like to tell me what your favorite position was when you and Dad were trying to conceive me? Maybe you and Dad just had a better sex life than I do; did you usually orgasm every time, or was it more of a hit or miss kind of thing?” I know that’s not directly what she’s asking about, but it would probably be effective!
Anon for this one
My mom is coming from a good place. She is in many ways one of my closest friends. I just don’t want to talk to her about this because I don’t want to talk to anyone about this, at least not in real life. I don’t think she’s invested in my s*x life, she is just finding herself shut out of this one part of my life and wants to make sure all is okay. I get that. I don’t blame her for that. There is literally no way for her to bring this up without me getting annoyed because I’m just annoyed at the whole situation.
Anonymous
I didn’t have to ask. When my mom started asking questions about when we would be having kids, I changed the subject or gave vague non-committal answers. When she wouldn’t drop it, I curtly told her that I didn’t want to discuss it. She followed up with an email telling me which positions her doctor recommended when she was trying to get pregnant.
la vie en bleu
I think you just wrote your thing to say to her:
“I love you, but for some reason I just do not want to discuss this with anyone but my husband.
I don’t even know why I don’t want to talk about it other than I guess it’s very personal and I hate talking about it. It’s not entirely rational and I know [you] means well, and i don’t want to hurt your feelings. [I just can’t talk about it right now, can we pretend it’s not happening until I bring it up to you?]”
I know how hard these things can be, it seems like you are like me and really don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. But if you are that close, then I think you need to just say it and tell her exactly what you said here and just trust that she can hear you and understand that you do not want to hurt her feelings.
Good luck! Hugs.
Oooh, it burns (repost from the morning thread)
Sigh. I finally bit the bullet and tried a creme hair remover to get rid of my teeny tiny blonde little mustache that, as near as I can tell, only bugged me.
I have of course burned my face (and perhaps my lip?) with the creme and it is now red and splotchy and kinda hurts when I laugh, smile, or eat. This was done last night. Anything I can do now to make it better? I’ve been applying Vitamin E (fine Palmer’s Oil) but I’m not sure this is helping.
Carrie...
Ouch… been there, but my mistake was trying waxing.
I would stick with aquafor. Vitamin E can cause a mild allergic reaction for many so I would avoid this.
Anon
I burned myself once after applying a hair removal creme. I used The Body Shop aloe night mask that I already had. It healed very fast and now it is my all time favorite night creme and it soothes and heals sun burn, dry patches etc etc.
la vie en bleu
ooo I should probably get this, too. I got a little sunburn yesterday on a long walk, oops.
Oooh, it burns (repost from the morning thread)
Thanks you guys. On a related note, has anyone used those Tickle eyebrow shavers or whatever?
kc
Neosporene. I did this once, right before meeting my bf’s (now husband!) family. I actually just use a little razor nowadays because waxing gets it too red.
Dana
Not sure if you’re checking back, but wanted to mention that electrolysis was the best thing I ever did for myself. I wish I had done it years earlier, seriously. Wasted a decade on tweezing, bleaching, cream removers, etc.
That said, triple antibiotic ointment (or Neosporene) to treat the burn and aloe to soothe. Vitamin E will be perfect for removing any residual discoloration after it has healed over.
Mo
Can anyone recommend a Chicago-area restaurant group that has a handful of fairly upscale, non-chain restaurants? I want to buy friends a $200 gift card for dinner, and I don’t want to pick a specific restaurant because I’m not sure exactly where they live within the city.
espresso bean
I would do either Brandon Sodikoff’s restaurants (Gilt Bar, Bavette’s, Maude’s Liquor Bar, Au Cheval, Cocello, High Five Ramen, Green Street Smoked Meats, etc.) or the One Off Hospitality Group (Blackbird, avec, Publican, Big Star).
Wildkitten
Mmm. Big Star. I forgot how much I love that place.
roses
Lettuce Entertain You has the biggest selection in all price ranges.
ace
Another option is the Lettuce Entertain You restaurants – though I’d probably pick the ones recommended by espresso bean for someone in the city/a foodie. LEY has several locations in the city and burbs, and enough of a variety to appeal to any taste. $200 at most of the restaurants will definitely get you dinner + drinks for 2 (likely with $ left over).
Mo
Thanks everyone.
anon-oh-no
rockit ranch productions (bottlefork, rockit bar, sunda, the underground) or dynamic hospitality group (siena tavern, bull & bear, public house)
Nexplanon
Quick question for those who’ve had the implant done. I know it says soreness and bruising, but I’m wondering how long this lasted for you. I’m almost to the week mark and it’s pretty uncomfortable still. Not just tender to the touch, but sometimes when I move my arm the ‘wrong’ way or lean on it, I can feel the implant. Do I just need to be patient and wait for the bruising to go down or is this worth a call to the dr?
emeralds
Late, hope you see this! Mine felt like that for ohhh, two and a half to three weeks? I’m pretty sure that’s totally normal.
Semi-amusing story: my boyfriend was dog-sitting his parents’ ginormous, 80-pound idiot German Shepherd puppy while I was in that phase with my implant. Dumb puppy was still in his mouthy phase and indicated that he wanted to fetch by gently grabbing my upper arm and giving it a play-with-me-now-please wrassle. I screamed and accidentally hit the dog in the face. Boyfriend comes charging in from the kitchen thinking the dog is attacking me. It was extremely embarrassing for everyone–me, BF, dog who slunk into the bedroom and tried to hide under the bed but didn’t fit.
Canuck
Question. If you’re wearing nude pumps (say with a navy suit), what colour belt should you pair that with?
Wildkitten
I’d do navy.
Maddie Ross
I almost always do a contrasting pop of color – bright blue or pink, or a dove gray.
Wildkitten
This is a better answer than mine.
Canuck
Thank you! I just bought a navy suit and now I’m sort of stuck trying to accessorize it. I’m about to start articles at a corporate Toronto firm and cannot seem to figure out what to wear with it that doesn’t make me look like a sailor.
Anonymous
Gray, beige, camel, and cream. Crisp white + navy is where you start to get into nautical territory (although I think a plain white blouse is fine with a navy suit so long as you keep accessories neutral – absolutely no red – and simple).
Arborette
Pandora charm bracelets: yea or nay? I’m usually a fine-jewelry snob, but I’ve decided it’s time to branch out and have a more fun. (I wouldn’t be getting anything pave rhinestone bedazzled, fwiw.)
Anonymama
Not my style at all
Anonymous
No, just no. Very suburban mom-ish.
Anonymous
Not my style either, but maybe she is a suburban mom? Judge much?
roses
Eh I don’t know, I think you’re being over-sensitive. Saying “suburban mom-ish” to me is the same as saying “mom jeans.” It’s not that all moms who wear jeans or all suburban moms are somehow bad, but rather that they’ve become popular parlance (rightly or wrongly) for un-stylish.
boston anon
totally agree with this comment. it IS surburban mom-ish! i have a suburban move and i love her to death. she’d be fine with this characterization.
Flower
I’m also nay, but mostly because I hate their commercials.
platinomad
I have a running joke with my mother (very suburban) and sister about how these. Somewhat based on the commercials and partially because we think they are super kitschy and silly. My mom takes pictures of them and their commercials and tells me she got me my christmas/bday present. Something about them is both dated and seems juvenile. I’m also not really a fine jewelry snob, I just find these pretty bad and they are actually not super cheap or anything…
anonymous
I didn’t know what this was until I looked it up. Ew, as in hideous. I vote nay.
Senior Attorney
No! Not fun!
I think an old-fashioned jingly jangly charm bracelet would be way more fun.
Idea
+1 to this. Just go with the classic. Buying Pandora is buying the brand, not the charm or jewelry.
~Saith a suburban mom.
LilyS
I also much prefer the old fashioned charm bracelets.
Arborette
Thanks for knocking some sense back in me! Will have to start looking around for traditional charm bracelets.
Anonymous
If you’re in the South the only place to go to is James Avery. I’ve had mine since I was 8, and it is still going strong two decades later.
WCEC
Nay.
Trixie
If I get out of spamtest123 purgatory, I’ll repost my idea for a bracelet alternative.