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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Happy Friday! I'm still poking through the Nordstrom clearance section, but one of my favorite pieces in the under-$50 range is this easy knit dress, which wins rave reviews from all age groups. I like the color, the long sleeves, the shirred sides, and the price: it was $68, but is now $39.90, available exclusively online (and in limited sizes, alas). Halogen Side Shirred Knit Dress
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
Psst: here are a few plus size options. (Couldn't choose!)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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Traditionalist
Happy Long Weekend, everyone! Cute dress, but I fear it would be just too clingy on me.
I’m hoping to kick off the weekend productively and use some slow office time today to create some helpful spreadsheets for use at home. I know you ladies keep lists of items in your closet, financial spreadsheets, etc. I’m thinking a generic packing list, a pantry list (to check off when an item is empty), etc.
What lists/spreadsheets are in your arsenal?
HSAL
I am so intrigued by this because I love making lists, but I don’t have any standing ones (aside from an in-progress clothing spreadsheet). I’ve thought that I need to keep a lists of meals that we like, because I often forget about them and won’t make them for months at a time.
CA Business
Can you elaborate on your “in-progress clothing spreadsheet”? Are these items you’re current;y on the hunt for?
HSAL
I have one big clothing related spreadsheet with multiple pages. The main page is where I list my daily work outfits (borrowed heavily from Orangerie’s original spreadsheet), then a sheet with all of the clothing I own (that’s the main part that’s in progress because I need to sit down and do some closet editing), a sheet with this year’s purchases, and a sheet for the items I want to add to my closet. I feel better about buying clothing when I can justify by saying “it’s on the list!” :)
CA Business
Thanks for the breakdown HSAL!
Playing DressUP
Weekly meal planning list, with date, main dish, side dish, and a spot for where the recipe is, if it’s online or in a cookbook. This stays on the fridge so husband can follow it, too.
Also, not necc. a spreadsheet, but a list of last-minute meal ideas, for me, hubs & kiddo – things like quesadillas, soup, rice & beans, frozen veggies, for those nights when you have no idea, I look at this list (in a binder with a list of chores) and think, oh! That’s right! We can eat chickpeas & spinach & salsa and call it a night. Luckily, this does not happen too often.
mascot
I like the meals idea. Doing that this weekend. DH isn’t much of a cook and tend to freeze up when called upon to figure out a last minute meal if I am not home and he is feeding our child. You can only have PBJ and cereal so many nights.
Sarabeth
I do this too, both with true last-minute meals and with a list of regular meals. The latter are things that I do need to shop for (ie, they require fresh veg/herbs/stuff beyond panty staples). However, I know the recipes well and they are quick and take little thought to cook. Spreadsheet has a list of the basic ingredients for each meal. If I’m having a rough week, I pick three of these and buy those ingredients. Each meal lasts two days, day 7 we get takeout.
Anononon
Mascot, we had this same issue last night. What’s worse is I love cooking but just can’t do it during the week on the fly, but we are both used to me being the chef given my love for it. I’ve started the shopping list/meal calendar, but I should include recipes (most of which are in my head or in my e-mail) so that he can cook when I get stuck at the office late. Great idea!
Meg Murry
Not a spreadsheet, but I’m starting to do a binder system like this for weeknight dinner meal planning: http://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/1041505/how-i-plan-meals-for-the-week
I’m also trying to keep up a list that’s on our fridge: “whats in the fridge/freezer/basement freezer” – with the basement freezer one being the most important for the “out of sight, out of mind” problem. That way I can stare at the list instead of opening the freezer and rooting through it to see what I should cook that night, while muttering “I swear I had chicken breasts in here, why is there so much hamburger but no chicken”?
M2
ALL OF YOU NEED PLAN TO EAT (.com). Seriously. It is exactly what your list-making brain always wanted but didn’t know existed. It will automatically make your shopping list based on the recipes you choose, keep track of what’s in your pantry, and it even sorts your shopping list by category (which I used to do manually because I’m crazy). There is some front-end labor involved (i.e. inputting recipes, items in your pantry), but it is no worse than setting up a spreadsheet, and once that information is in there you never have to do it again. For me it is well worth the nominal fee (it is just under $4/mo if you pay annually, less if you have a coupon code).
Red Beagle
I have an outfits matrix with outfits for the week on about a 4-week cycle. Sometimes I will switch out cooler for warmer ones based on the weather forecast and adjust it from time to time as I buy new clothes or retire pieces that just don’t work for me any more. I could probably manage more combinations than I do, but I like my favorites too much and will wear them more often in the rotation if they make me feel better/more powerful than most. I started this at the beginning of the summer and will be adjusting it soon to warm it up for Fall although here in Southern California it will still be summer for at least another month. It has a sidebar with items that need to be altered or repaired, gaps that appear, items to be retired soon.
I also have a list of weekly menus that works pretty much the same way. Update that weekly on Saturdays with DH. I try not to repeat much, but faves get eaten once a week or every two weeks.
re: Summer Weather in SoCal
I was planning to put away my seersucker suit and my white skirt (summer staples) this weekend because it is Labor Day. Then I read that it is going to be in the 90s this weekend and that next week will also be hot.
What to do? What to do?
Red Beagle
Keep it out for September. September will probably be the hottest month of the year and no white after labor day wasn’t written for SoCal.
SuziStockbroker
I think this dress would be too clingy and i don’t think I can really do shirred at work.
I spent a boat load of money at Judith & Charles yesterday, eep!
TO Lawyer
I LOVE Judith & Charles. If it makes you feel any better, my dresses from there are really wardrobe workhorses and I get compliments every time I wear one.
SuziStockbroker
Yes, I have had the black basic jacket and a couple of dresses plus a gorgeous stretch linen sheath with matching jacket for a couple of years and I do get a lot of compliments. I also have the brown wool robe coat from a couple of years ago (they have a beautiful grey one this year) and the black trechcoat. I had not bought any workwear, really, for about 2 years since the last time I was in Toronto. I was due.
Well……I ended up in Holt Renfrew yesterday and did not even leave the Judith & Charles section.
3 suits (one with both pants and skirt), 3 sheath dresses, a silk shell, a red jacket, the black basic pants in bootcut.
Um, think that’s it.
I am wearing the grey skirt from the suit today (jacket sleeves are being tailored), the silk shell and my “old” black basic jacket. I look great!
Glad to see another Judith and Charles lover.
TO Lawyer
Amazing. I may have to make a trip next week and see what I can find!
Baconpancakes
Hi, my name is Baconpancakes, and I’m addicted to lists.
My current lists: Personal To Do organized by timeframe and deadline; daily work To-Do; clothing spreadsheet with general descriptions of pieces/holes in wardrobe (colorful pencil skirt) for casual, professional, for each season, and the workhorse pieces for all seasons (ie jeans, black suit); individual clothing pieces I’m looking to buy organized by urgency; list of food in the pantry/fridge, organized by urgency of needing to use up the produce; accompanying list of recipes to make with the food to be used; daily, weekly, and seasonal cleaning checklists (a mixture of Flylady and Martha Stewart lists per my needs); gift lists for friends and family to remember when I see the perfect gift in July and don’t want to forget about it; restaurants and particular meals that are well-reviewed that I want to try in the DC metro area; and I use pinterest for general clumps of ideas of things, like general recipes to use that aren’t pressing, looks I want to try to use a piece of clothing, etc.
HSAL
Can we be best friends?
Baconpancakes
Of course!
Rachelellen
Random question but do you keep your work and personal to-dos together or do you need to segregate them?
Baconpancakes
Completely separate. My personal lists are all in a moleskin notebook and in the Paperless phone app, and my work lists are tacked to my wall (for longer term projects and goals) and in Outlook.
Paperless isn’t particularly powerful, but it’s easy to organize based on the shorthand I use – eg, for clothes, I organize the to-buy list by Immediate Buys marked with an asterisk, Casual or Work or Bag or Shoes or A for accessories, Seasons wearable by All, S, Su, F, W, FW, SSu, etc, and then the color or description, followed by the actual item. The notes field on each item is for specific items at specific stores or ideas of where to look for those things.
Rachelellen
Thanks. I stick to a separated system as well. In and of itself, it helps me.
Sydney Bristow
I keep a running to do list on my phone.
Actual spreadsheet wise, I have a spreadsheet tracking my frequent flyer miles and points.
I’m also keeping a wedding budget spreadsheet and tracking expenses on it.
Middle Coast
I use Remember the Milk on my phone and tablet and pc, which syncs all my lists on all of my devices. I use it to track the usual to-do lists – work, personal, errands to run. I also keep a running list of movies/tv shows to watch, books to read, websites to check out, places/events I want to go to, my bucket list. I keep a separate list for my spouse & each of my kids, so I remember what I need to do in regards to each of them.
West Coast Lawyer
Remember the Milk also has a great feature so you can set up a default search (or several). So I have a search that shows anything on my Immediate Priorities List, plus anything with a due date in the next 7 days and anything marked urgent. Instead of looking at all my lists separately I just have it set up to always show me the recent search results which gives me the most important things from all my lists.
East Coast Anon
I have a travel checklist I created in Google Docs. It’s set up so it’s repeated nine times on a page. I print and keep a copy in my suitcase. After nine trips, I print a new one.
Lady Harriet
I do more lists than spreadsheets, but I have a lot of them. I use Wunderlist on my phone to keep track of everything. Currently some of my lists include: gifts to buy for other people, movies/tv shows to watch, interesting food I would like to try, things to buy at some point in the future (mostly makeup & clothing), a separate list of shoes to buy, and books I want to read.
anonsg
I’m obsessed with lists.
I have a Todoist for work, Wunderlist for personal/at-home things I have to do without any due date/aren’t urgent (like buy pants), Food Planner for planning meals. I use Any.Do for recurring tasks, like “pay rent” or “skip the month for this subscription service.” I also use it for things like “deposit check” and “dry cleaning.” I use Evernote for bucket lists by category – “career/academia,” “travel,” “family/personal,” “learning”, etc. Examples are like “get published” under career, or “visit Hollywood Sign” under travel, or “learn how to knit” under “learning.” For books to read, I use Goodreads.
For groceries, I have a magnetic to-do list on my refrigerator. One list for current items in fridge + pantry and their expiration dates (and additional date if they can last past their expiration date, courtesy of eatbydate[.]com), and another list for things I need to get (milk, yogurt, etc.) which I add when I use up the last of an item in the fridge/pantry. I use the “expiring” list to decide what I’m going to cook. If nothing is about to expire, I just do whatever for dinner.
For spreadsheets, I have ones for shopping, clothing, and finances.
Shopping – I have a running spreadsheet for planning vacation budgets and itineraries, one for comparing car prices and payments, etc. I also use one when I’m apt shopping – categories for things like “in unit laundry” and “security”.
Clothing – I have a spreadsheet for my closet, with one tab for “outfits” – I have categories across the top that say things like “top” “bottom” “accessory” “shoes” “hosiery” etc. For each tab for type of clothing, I include the style, color, fabric, length, and cleaning (just in case this stuff fades off of the tag later on, or I hate the tag and cut it off).
Finances – I also have a spreadsheet for all my finances – with tabs for each month’s payments, my checking accounts (I match this with the statements), and my expenses to compare over the months. Mint has some of these features but I like to do this to keep track and compare my acct so I can see if any weird fees have been charged.
Ellen
Yay! Freuegel Friday’s! I LOVE Fruegel Friday’s and this NORDSTROM’s knit dress! The price is right also, Kat! Thank’s I will look (even tho the manageing partner has me on a moratorum until the end of the month–FOOEY on him!) I still need to have new clothe’s so I can give the old one’s to NY Care’s! YAY!
Yesterday, the manageing partner’s brother came by the office with 2 ticket’s to the US OPEN Tennis team. So he wanted to take the manageing partner with him, but the manageing partner did NOT come in b/c it was to nice and he wanted to start his weekend early (he is NOT comeing in today either–I would not either if I had a house in the Hamton’s but I do not have one –yet).
So the manageing partner told him to take someone else, and of course, he meant me, so we took a car out to the US Open and ate alot of food. I am still stuffed from all the food the manageing partner’s brother made me eat. FOOEY! I think I gained back 5 pound’s. But the weather was nice and I had nothing realy important to do in the office anyway. Afterward’s he told me that his contractor’s will start work next week on his apartement, so expect alot of noise. FOOEY! I hate noise in the apartement’s next to me. When I lived in the dumpy place before here, I used to hear alot of noise from the coupel haveing sex all the time next door. All I heard was squeakeing of the bed and grunteing (the guy) and moneing from the girl. When you saw them on the street, you would never beleive they were haveing so much sex all day and night. But they were–yay for them.
The manageing partner’s brother also told me that CRUMBS will be reopeining soon! DOUBEL YAY! But my TUCHUS does not need CRUMBS. He promised me that he would ONLEY give me 1 cupcake a week — NO more. He said he like’s his women a little heavy — Fooey on that — I think his wife got heavy and he started lookeing at other women then. So I do NOT want to get fattened up like a cow for him. I have my FITBIT to keep me slim. YAY!
I hope the HIVE has a great holiday weekend. My dad warned me that I must do 10,000 steps EVERY DAY until I loose 10 pound’s. I think that mean’s I have to do this forever. FOOEY!
Ellen is in my head
Whenever I see a ‘Frugal Friday’ post, my eye automatically reads “Fruegel Friday’s”.
While “Ellen in my head” is not ideal, given that she donates to “NY Care’s!”, maybe it is not all bad.
Rachelellen
Anyone else grow up in Boston and remember Frugal Fannie’s, which was only open Fri-Sun?
cc
It still exists!
kellyandthen
Still around! I was up in Boston last weekend and there were commercials upon commercials for it. Still looked great!
Sally
Ellen has a kind heart and is cute and young. She will come to learn that men take advantage of her and figure out how to deal with them.
Baconpancakes
Another TJ – how much is reasonable for simple alterations? I just took a pencil skirt in to get it taken in (my first tailoring! how exciting.), and the bill is $35, not including cleaning costs. I took it to my dry cleaners based on reviews that it’s actually a decent place to get tailoring in addition to cleaning, contrary to the normal standard. Is this price reasonable? Should I find a separate tailor? It just seems high to me, but that might just be me not used to the prices of tailoring.
I’m in DC, btw.
Kathryn
I don’t think that’s unreasonable. I would have said $25-35 would make sense. A simple hem should be less ($10-20), but a more complicated resizing makes sense to cost a bit more.
I live in NYC so I would think comparable markets
I'm Just Me
The price I got (also DC region) for taking a pencil skirt in was $42. It was more for the ones that had side zippers and/or detailing. I was interesting in alterations because I had lost weight, so it was an all over alteration, not just the waist line. I ended up buying new skirts and donating the old ones to a career closet organization.
This was a tailor shop, I did not price it at the drycleaners.
Anon
Totally reasonable.
Alana
I bought a suede pencil skirt at a resale shop for $1. The skirt was too small. After buying fabric in a matching color to increase the size of the skirt at the two side seams, the seamstress charged $50.
Baconpancakes
Thanks for the price check – I’ll see how the work ends up and let people know if the quality is good enough to recommend.
WJM-TV
Are you me? I just got two skirts taken in yesterday (in DC at my building’s dry cleaners) and each skirt was $45. It could have been $35 but I opted for a little bit on both seams, instead of just one seam– it did have a waistband. Bah. Oh well. At least they are convenient and I haven’t had a problem with other skirts they altered.
Bonnie
Alterations can be pricy. I’ve been doing all my alterations through Nordstroms since they will alter items not bought at the store. Since I have their card, I get Nordstroms notes back for the cost of the alterations.
No sleep and high stress
About a year ago husband was fired as a junior lawyer for cause- most importantly he missed a filing deadline, did nothing, and it got worse from there. Since then with your able advice he has been on ADHD meds which seem to be helping. With a few days of the loss of job one I helped him get a job in my field (seperate firm). He is happy, doing well, new circle of friends, higher pay than what he used to do.
He won’t get a raise at the new job other than a token one unless he starts brining in more clients and more billables. This is tricky as he does not work overly hard- I bill probably twice as much as he does at an incredibly comparable job. This means salary wise he is probably at a standstill for the next few years, he is never going to get his bonus.
He was offered a government job. It would involve the minimal amount of work possible and an immediate 30% raise as well as better benefits. The salary rises nicely, it won’t be comparable to mine with a bonus but it’s better than his bonusless salary. He doesn’t want to take it. We have a baby coming in a few months and could use the income (who couldn’t?). I feel I am sacrificing enough (I truly hate my job and I am barely taking any mat leave so that we can afford the baby without any decrease in quality of life).
Thoughts?
Anonymous
You’re giving too much and he needs to give more. You need to have a conversation about this, and it needs to end with him being more responsive to your needs.
Anonymous
I’m amending this comment in light of the discussion below. I guess I assumed that you both had an equal stake in the lifestyle issues. I’m going to echo comments below that you need to have a discussion about what kind of life you guys want and what you’re each willing to sacrifice for it. Maybe you’re frustrated because it feels like you’re making all these sacrifices for you guys and he’s not? In this case, I think you should stop. Find a job you like when you’re next able. Seems like your dh doesn’t think money is as important as you do, so in this case, you’re only making all these sacrifices because you want the nice things. Don’t blame it on him. If you feel like you’re taking on too much, ask him what he’s able to do to help you out, other than things that are totally his business, like his career.
On another note, you really don’t seem to have a mature enough view of marriage to actually be married. I’d give some serious thought to how your attitude can affect your marriage. From what you’ve said, it seems toxic. Your partner can tell when you don’t respect them they way you should.
OP
I’m kind of intrigued by this idea of jobs people like.
I mean there are hobbies, there are pastimes and there are jobs. Jobs are a means to an end. I mean, I like eating cheese, I’m not going to try and turn it into a job. :)
My job isn’t the end of the world (I know there are worse ones), it’s not causing me more stress than anything else in my life and it allows me to support my family. I find it meaningful to do my job well and I like having something to do and somewhere to go. If I won the lottery I would never practice law again anywhere.
I do not know any young lawyers (and I am in a circle of about ten or eleven) who feel any differently about their jobs. None of us wake up every day really stoked to go to work. None of us would be doing this if we could receive the same income for doing nothing. A pregnant friend of mine is taking as much maternity leave she can get away with largely so she can not go to work.
I took my job after my husband passed on an interview for it. We discussed it as a couple and decided the salary was too good for both of us to pass up. We both knew it would be demanding and we had not heard anything good about this job. In fact we heard a lot of bad things and we were both told to stay clear. In the time I have been here every other young hire has left, it’s not a job for everyone.
My job has made a dramatic difference to both our lives, I’ve paid off all my debt and some of his, we’ve hired third parties to do things neither of us enjoyed doing, we’ve made investments, we have savings. On the downside it’s cut into a lot of things that were important to me (I left a job that was very low stress and offered a lot of mentorship, I had to give up some volunteer positions due to conflicts/lack of time and I work at least what seems to me like a lot).
We have a good lifestyle. I don’t think we live beyond our means and I think our lifestyle is comparable to other 3-4 year calls if not people our own age. We have no debt other that one student loan that will be paid off within a year and a mortgage the payments on which are less that what we used to pay in monthly rent. We work in the same field but never together and we do a lot of things we mutually enjoy on the off time. I’m not good at anything really other than my job and we do a lot of things on our off time that my husband is good at (which seems like basically everything that is not his job).
I don’t see any reason why not to throw in marriage counselling – so we will give it a shot if the husband is interested (he wasn’t when he lost his job). I’ve always been okay with it, husband not so much.
And I think you guys are awesome (and possibly crazy) if you would stand by someone who lost a job due to possible mental illness/issues but wouldn’t address them. That’s not me, I don’t claim to be as perfect as that. I was pretty clear I would be out the door if he didn’t go to a doctor. I don’t think we know our limits until tested and that is definitely mine.
Anonymous
Well, what you said about jobs being a means to an end and how you went about choosing a job- that’s your choice. I have an extremely high-stress job and I work very long hours, and I don’t enjoy every minute of it- that’s unrealistic- but I love my job so, so much. I’m extremely ambitious and I want to be at the top of my field, and I want to do meaningful work that matters. DH feels the same way about his career. We make a lot of money, but really the “lifestyle” is there to secure the things we care about- doing things with each other/enjoying each other’s company and what we want in the professional sphere.
Not saying others have to be like us; people need different things in life, and you do you. That said, if you’re miserable at your job, it sounds like that’s something you’ve decided to be okay with. That’s your choice. It doesn’t have to be that way.
tesyaa
“I’m not good at anything really other than my job”
I feel so sad that you think that. In addition to marriage issues, it sounds like you are really hard on yourself and you might benefit from therapy to address your self-esteem issues. Working a ton of hours and resenting it because you don’t feel good about yourself is sad.
West Coast Lawyer
Viewing a job as a means to an end is a perfectly reasonable way to view it – I see too many younger people falling behind because they are convinced they have to find their dream job and can’t be bothered to do something that doesn’t “inspire” them just to pay the rent. But let me suggest that you consider whether the current ends are worth the means required to get there. Remember that it’s not all or nothing. You have made some great strides towards setting yourself up financially by paying off debt/saving etc. You have long careers ahead of you. Taking a less stressful job likely won’t result in you having to move to a one-bedroom apartment in a bad part of town, but it might give you back some perspective and some time to invest in your growing family.
Sarabeth
Yeah, for most of us, jobs are at least somewhat a means to an end. But there are still jobs that are more and less pleasant. There’s a difference between pleasant-but-wouldn’t-do-for-free and hellish. I bet you can find a job that is at least pleasant. Also, the difference between pleasant and hellish does not necessarily correlate with salary.
AnonCo
Has he given a reason for not liking the government job? Did something come out during the interview process (poor culture, difficult boss, etc.)? Is the job less prestigious (and that’s important to him)?
In other words, it really depends on his reasons for not wanting to switch. As for you, it sounds like your job is wearing you down. I think it’s worth having a conversation if you’re contemplating leaving your job, and figuring out what options are available. Could you take a lower stress job (or one that’s less dependent on bonuses?). Can you swing your partner staying at his job and you doing something else?
ETA: I agree with Anonymous above. This is not just a problem of him not wanting to take a new job. It’s a matter of the both of you finding ways to provide for your family and maintain sanity and the same time.
Ellen
I think you should make him take the goverment job. Not every body is suited well to workeing in the private sector like us. Unfortunately, he probabley has ADHD, and he sound’s lazy and not to attentive to his work, so working in the goverment may be the best alternative for him, especialy since if he get’s fired after you have the baby, you will have to go back to work. FOOEY on that.
While there are plenty of exelllent attorney’s in the goverment, when I worked for the goverment, all the attorney’s I worked with spent alot of time lookeing out the window rateing the boobie’s on the girl’s that walked by. Do not let him work at a place like that, but you need to tell him that if he want’s to you stay married, you want him to be abel to hold a job, and this is the best alternative to no job at all. Good luck!
Hildegarde
Why doesn’t he want to take it? If he would hate it, and your family can live on the current salaries you both make, that seems like a good reason not to take it. If you hate your job, you and he should have a big-picture conversation about where your careers are going and how you can get out of your current job.
It’s fair to stay in a job you hate because you want to maintain your lifestyle, but it’s probably not fair to expect your husband to take a job he hates to maintain your lifestyle, unless you need him to take that job so you can eat. Are you and he just not on the same page about what type of life you want, or is it that he wants the lifestyle too but he wants you to pay for it? These are very different situations.
Em
Yeah, that was my question – does your husband care about maintaining your life style?
No sleep and high stress
Our combined income is high (mostly due to me). We are 25. We recently added yard work and a housekeeper and I think we are in the verge of hiring someone to do laundry and cook meals for us once or twice a week. We have a mortgage, husband’s debt (school loans). We take two large vacations a year which will now be more expensive with a nanny or child care arranged.
The husband says we do not need the money and he doesn’t want to leave his job. He likes the people. The new government job is closely connected enough that he’d see them still. I do notice that he works until midnight on anything remote complex and the work he is putting in simply isn’t that great. Basically, I can and do consistently twice the work he is doing. I would feel more comfortable with him moving to an incredibly slack government job- there is less chance of him getting into trouble for omissions and less risk to him. The firing for cause was one year ago and was very stressful for me. I would like him to be in a minimal stress environment without bonus pressure or billing pressure. I also want him to get the raise- we would probably invest most of it and use the rest for debt.
Anon
Honestly, it sounds like you need to back off. He has a decent job that he likes, he seems to make a respectable salary, seems to be holding down his job just fine, etc, so why isn’t that good enough for you? It sounds like you want him to perform the way you do, make more money, be smarter, more responsible, etc, but that’s not going to happen. You need to accept him as he is and stop stressing out over it. I get that being pregnant can be stressful, but you don’t need to be rich to have a baby.
Anonymous
If I were your husband, I would be really offended if you said this to me. You’re basically saying that you don’t trust him at all and think he’s incompetent: he doesn’t work hard enough, when he works (until midnight! that’s a lot!) you think the quality of his work is not good enough, and you don’t trust him not to get fired.
I’m sure after the past year you have plenty of reason to distrust him, but I think you really need to focus on repairing your family. How can he do enough to care for you/contribute to your lifestyle, and how can you eventually come around and start trusting in him and his abilities again?
You don’t need someone to do yard work. You don’t need separate people as a housekeeper, laundry, and cooking meals. You don’t need big fancy vacations. These are nice things, sure, but they’re not necessary. You need to talk about your future together and how you envision it, because right now it sounds like you have different views.
Anon
Please don’t just assume the government job will be “minimal” work.
mascot
Honestly, your view of your husband’s ability comes across as somewhat condescending. To the extent that you can dial that back when talking to him, that would be good. At 25, you are both really junior. Making mistakes (albeit he made a big one and paid the price) and not being super efficient are part of the territory, not necessarily indicators that he is a worthless lawyer and slacker. I can sympathize with your husband wanting prove himself and grow in a place that he is happy with.
JJ
Yeah, I agree with Anon above me. If he likes his job and doesn’t want to move, and the pay difference isn’t forcing you to drastically cut back on your lifestyle, then you need to let it go. Maybe cut back on the two vacations a year…those are luxuries that you can have again once everyone in your family has stabilized.
How in the world would you have an honest conversation with your husband where you tell him “I think you’re doing subpar work currently (oh, and you just got fired from your previous job), you don’t make enough money, and I need you to switch to a job that you’re not interested in because I think you can’t cut it in the private sector.” If someone commenting here told us that her husband said that to her, we would rightly go ballistic.
Hildegarde
Ok, you sound as though you don’t respect your husband at all, which seems like a big problem to me. You also don’t sound as though you’re taking into account his preferences at all: you’re only writing about what you want him to do, and how frustrated you are that he’s not going it.
Did you and he discuss before you got married what you wanted your lives to look like? If so, you could base a conversation now around those conversations, and talk about steps you can each be taking to achieve your goals, or whether the goals need to be amended. If you have never discussed those type of big-picture questions with him, I think the sooner you do that the better. In any case, I think it’s really tough to make a marriage work when the partners don’t respect each other, so I would also consider how to regain the respect you once had for him (if you had it), or why you married someone you don’t respect in the first place.
Miky
:) I’m not saying all government jobs are slack. This one is though, and with high job security, fantastic benefits. He’d be with two senior lawyers who we both know and like and who would take care of him. He could bring the baby to work and no one would care, they’d probably like it honestly. He’d get out of work in time to pick our baby up at daycare (I never ever will).
I would probably want him to take this job even without the raise.
You know, I’ve seen a number of young lawyers burn out, switch to different fields or become really unhappy, I know my husband isn’t cut out to work more than 40 hours a week. He is incredibly disorganized and manages time badly. He knows it too. I don’t see any reason to try and pretend he is going to suddenly change and put in the 70 hours or so that I put it or that he would need to put in to get anywhere in private practice.
Initially he was going to take parental leave when baby was born, I think his dad or friends or something shamed him out of it- he is no longer interested in doing that for any amount of time.
McGiggles
Wow a lot going on at 25. I would cut him (and yourself) some slack. You are young and your careers will be long and filled with many ups and downs similar to those you’ve already experienced.
Anon
It’s odd the way you keep comparing what you perceive your abilities to be against his. It’s like you’re competing. Honestly, I think the problem isn’t him not wanting to leave a job but you not being happy with what you are doing and where you are.Perhaps talking to a counselor might be useful in helping sort out some of these thoughts and feelings. It also seems like you’re still really holding the firing against him. You need to get over that and move on or it’s going to continue to tear you guys down. It happened and it can’t be changed and he’s on a better path now, so stop holding it over him.
Peach Pye
If he is looking at an attorney’s position, this is likely to be untrue:
“an incredibly slack government job- there is less chance of him getting into trouble for omissions and less risk to him”
Anon
Maybe you guys should get marriage counseling. It seems like you have respect and control issues to work through that are going to continue to make you miserable. You seem to be ignoring that this may be causing problems for you instead of what you see as your husband’s inability to do what you want him to do.
Really? (Amy Poehler style)
Seriously, at 25, how many lawyers can you really have seen burn out/switch jobs? If you’re in the US, it seems like you would have only graduated law school this year or last year. I agree with the Anon at 11:03, though. This is more about you than him, it seems.
Miky
The respect thing is interesting.
Do we have to pretend that everyone is as smart or as hard working or has as much potential as everyone else? There are a lot of things he does well that I don’t do well.
I respect him. He’s been fired once for cause, he took steps which have helped to some extent. I’m not delusional about what he is capable of. He is trying to do his current job as a 9-5 which is somewhat working but if he had an actual 9-5 job that would work better.
L
I don’t mean to be rude, but you sound *incredibly* condescending. He’s a grown man that you chose to marry and have a kid with. If you don’t trust him enough to figure out his career, you should both enter into some marriage counseling. He may be putting in 9-5 in a 15+ hour a day job, you may be right on all your points, but your attitude is making my skin crawl. He’s a human being, not a paycheck.
Anon
L has already said almost exactly what I was going to say. A whole bunch of strangers are telling you, far more nicely than I think you deserve, that you are making amazingly condescending and insulting statements about the man with whom you chose to have a child. You find it “interesting.” Maybe he can keep the job he likes, and you can get some therapy to gain a more realistic, mature view of what it means to lead a successful life.
Anon
+1 to the two commenters above me.
Miky
See I am fundamentally not getting this. I love my husband a lot and I have stood by him when I clearly could have run for my life when he lost his job. I found him another job and got him to see a doctor.
It is what it is. We have all worked with people who did the minimum or who were working on a tightrope of competency. Why can’t we just admit that it true? Not everyone works hard, not everyone does their best, not everyone’s best is very good.
I’d be cool with him taking a few months and caring for baby, until three months ago that was the plan.
Anon
Maybe I’m misinterpreting, but you’re very stressed out about your husband’s job stability, you don’t like your own job, and you think that you can direct your husband into living in a way which would make you the most comfortable. It’s like you’re trying to helicopter parent your husband and you seem to be very focused on making him do what you want and arguing that you’re right about this, rather than considering that perhaps that this helicopter approach is not a way to live a happy, stress-free life.
You’re just not coming off very well, and perhaps it is hard to writing like this! Maybe you’re right and this job would be better, but your husband disagrees and you’re not able to understand or consider why. Part of life is learning to relax and compromise. You don’t know everything.
Avril
I agree with @L re: “Do we have to pretend that everyone is as smart or as hard working or has as much potential as everyone else?”, Wow! There is more to a relationship than paychecks and career accomplishments. I would be terribly offended if a significant other said this about me, it is condescending. It sounds as if you are having trouble accepting your husband as he is, or maybe the two of you just have very different expectations of what kind of life you want to have. I second the marriage counselling advice, you definitely need it.
Hildegarde
When I say “respect” I mean, in part, talking about your spouse with acknowledgement that he is a person with feelings and needs. I do not use “respect” to refer to the pretense that everyone is the same, because I don’t think that is respect; that is patronizing. Respect doesn’t only mean recognizing someone’s skills; it also means respecting him for being a human being.
You sound as though you’ve concluded your husband is incapable of handling his current job, and possibly any job other than one in which he is sheltered (by his superiors, by the workweek, etc.). But people do not only need money and a secure job. They also need to feel good about their job in some way, to feel they have the respect and love of their family and friends, and to feel they have some control over their lives. (I mean these things are necessary for human flourishing; I realize many people don’t actually have all of them.) If your husband will not have these things with the government job, then maybe having them is worth more to him than the salary and security.
You can’t know, however, until you talk to him about what he thinks of the government job, and where you want your lives to go and how to get there. Just asserting that the government job is better because it fits what you want for him, or what you think is best, is not respecting your husband.
Anon
“I love my husband a lot and I have stood by him when I clearly could have run for my life when he lost his job.”
Seriously? Staying with your husband when he loses his job is just a given, and not something you should be especially proud of.
I get that your husband is not as motivated as you. However, you must have known this when you married him. You need to start accepting and being happy with the way he is.
Anon
Be a tad realistic here too, a 30% raise probably isn’t that much after taxes. I doubt it will make a significant difference in your life other than enabling thinking around expensive vacations, etc.
Senior Attorney
I say this will all love and respect: This is not his problem, it is yours. You are wound so tight and it seems to be because of this idea you have about the kind of lifestyle you expect, only your husband doesn’t seem to have bought into it. Unless you get this resolved, I can’t imagine your marriage is going to last, which would be a shame with a child in the mix. Honest and truly, I think the best course of action here is for you to add a therapist for you to the landscaper and housekeeper and cook and bottle-washer.
anon
Wow. You need to stop judging and analyzing your husband so harshly! The competition between you is really unhealthy! He is already staying up until midnight working, and instead of appreciating his dedication and drive, you’re looking over his shoulder critiquing his every move and thinking he’s not working efficiently enough! I don’t think you’ll ever be satisfied. What marriage can bear that kind of scrutiny? If you want your marriage to last, you need to stop being such a perfectionist, especially in regards to your husband. The trust and respect just isn’t there, and it needs to be.
CKB
It really sounds to me like the only thing that is important to you about your dh is his job. I don’t think him making a (admittedly rather large) mistake at work, which resulted in him losing his job, would be justification for “running for your life”. Unless there were some seriously dishonest, underhanded & possibly illegal behaviours going on as well.
Have an open, two sided discussion with your dh about your fears & concerns, actually listen and respect what he has to say in response, and stop trying to parent your dh or expect him to be exactly like you.
We all have different priorities and needs when it comes to our jobs. For my dh, the social aspect of his job is extremely important, while for me it isn’t. He has left jobs because they weren’t fulfilling that need for him, while it’s not something that is even on my top 5 (excluding a toxic work environment).
Killer Kitten Heels
Ummm, did you really just write that you could’ve “run for your life” when your H was fired from a job? Pretty sure “fired for a mistake that was the result of an untreated disorder” is usually *not* on the list of “grounds upon which reasonable people who have agreed to be bound for life, for better or worse, divorce.”
Never mind your assumption that you’re going to maintain your current lifestyle with no alterations upon the arrival of a baby. Two large vacations a year without the baby? Seriously?
You sound incredibly immature, and overly focused on finances and possessions. It sounds to me like your H doesn’t share those values. You should probably talk about that before the baby’s born.
Anonymous
Oh my god. I could have run when he lost his job? Its insane the lack of respect you have for him. (That does not mean you have to view him as perfect or just as good as you in all areas. It means you respect his ability to function as a human being and spouse) Honestly he probably is not interested in the job because of you. He probably is fighting to have this last little bit of independence and decision making. It does not sound like a healthy marriage. It sounds like a nightmare for your husband.
Seattle Freeze
But it’s his career. Your career is your career, HIS is not yours to dictate, manage, negotiate, whatever. If you two, together, want to have more available money, you can together decide what costs to cut and how to accomplish that as a family.
At 25, the best thing your husband can do right now for his career is try to develop a track record as an employee who can hold a job, not jump ship after less than a year because you think it’s too hard for him & doesn’t pay enough.
It sounds like you’re focusing on what you think is right/possible for him, and not on what he wants and how that can work for your family. Previous advice to talk together about what you want your lives to look like and how to accomplish that is very good advice.
Anon
How long has he been in the new job? The govt job sounds like a great opportunity, but it sounds like you have both had a rough time recently and I can see value in the stability that comes from staying in a position over time. Changing jobs is stressful, and you’ve both had enough of that recently. (And having a baby is stressful enough and a lot of change even without a new job in the mix.) It sounds like you have just begun to get things back on track, he’s first started settling in to a new position — and now you want to change it up all over again. If it hasn’t been that long, I’d probably back off, continue to let the meds do their work, and reevaluate in a couple of years.
If it has been a while (obviously no magic line, but I’m thinking 1.5 years or longer since he’s been back on his feet), I have a bit of a different reaction. In that case – do you know why he doesn’t like the government job? Jobs are more than just salaries, and if he’s in a job that he likes and thinks he would not like the government job — then it may not be the right opportunity. But I think you need to have a chat with him about why he does not want to take the government position and try to understand his view.
And just throwing this out there: but it seems like the bigger issuer you’re having is not about this job vs. the other job, but that you’re resentful because you feel like you’re the one who has to do all the work and he’s not doing his fair share to support the family. Making him take a new job won’t fix that. If that’s the issue, I think you need to have a serious talk with him and see what you can do to work it out.
Anon
What are the better benefits? With kids, things like more leave and flexibility or better health insurance are pretty important. This isn’t just about his personal career fulfilment anymore – his job decision needs to include consideration of (1)you – being miserable in your job with a new baby is not good and (2) new baby/family – it doesn’t sound like his current position providees much long term stability – presumably he can’t afford to be stagnant work wise for too long.
Carrie
This seems like a really good opportunity for him, considering the circumstances. I also would like to hear about why he doesn’t want to pursue it.
Part of me understands if he is hesitant to move so quickly, considering what he has been through. Very rough year for him.
I think now is time for a very honest, supportive conversation…. which I sense you have been doing a lot this year. I would be careful not to emphasize the $$ issue (2 lawyers… if you guys can’t afford to have a kid no one can….), because I suspect that is not the real issue. This job gives him the job security that he needs long term.
I’m sorry this has been such a hard year for you. Thanks for getting your husband through this.
Anon
Why do you think the government job would involve such a minimal amount of work? If this is just your assumption, it’s not necessarily true. Maybe he doesn’t want to take the government job because you clearly think it’s inferior and unimportant.
Anon
+1 This is a really naive assumption.
lucy stone
I don’t know if you’re in the US or not, but I know very few government jobs here that are “minimal work.” Generally they have better hours, but the work is not less complex. In fact, as a young attorney, you tend to have far more responsibility in government work than you do in a big firm.
Char
Yeah, this is just pis$ing me off. It’s incredibly condescending and stupid. I know people who work in government who work very hard and it’s not just a 9-5 job.
Anonymous
+1.
Red Beagle
I’ve worked in the private sector, run my own business, and currently have a government job. Frankly, I expect much more from myself and my colleagues in this position than in the private sector. Most of the people I work with are the brightest and hardest working people I’ve ever met. Your attitude toward government work is pretty much the same as the attitude I’m hearing about your husband and doesn’t reflect well on you.
IDK
Why did he interview for the job in the first place and how did he possibly sell himself cycling through jobs so quickly (3 by 25 in law would be a red flag to me)?
Maybe that is something that he should think about (and did he take any initiative in that process or was it all you except for showing up for the actual interview)?
There is a huge lurking relationship issue going on here that I think you all would be best to take to a neutral third party like a counselor before the baby comes.
FWIW, my govt lawyer friends who are good lawyers work as much as I do with fewer resources and for vastly less $. They complain about their 9-5 lifer counterparts who give them a bad name and are there b/c it is too hard to fire them and no other place will have them. That is probably not what you want in a husband (or an ex-husband or to be the father of your children in any event).
Miky
We both finished school early, we are both 3- 4 year calls at 25.
It tends to kill a lot of questions very quickly particularly since we both look young. I have never even had a reference called. People just expect this Asian wonderkid who will work a hundred hours a week and never get sick or complain or need help. I get contacted frequently by headhunters (thats how i got the current job) and he’s been actively solicited before. I think sometimes people believe there are no limits to people who have an early boost of success- it’s definitely not true.
He was actively asked to apply for this job. Hiring will be done from a different city but the office here clearly wants him.
Anon
Are you putting the cart before the horse here? If he’s just been asked to interview that is far different from having an offer. A lot of people ask people they know and like to apply for jobs and that doesn’t mean it’s actually an offer or that he’ll get it.
OP
He’s been told its his if he wants it. I’ve also been told the same thing.
I suppose that could be completely untrue or turn out to be completely untrue. :)
Sarabeth
This is not the advice you asked for, but I am having trouble imagining what about “maintaining your life style” is worth taking minimal maternity leave. I don’t mean this in a moral sense – if you actually would prefer to go back to work early, rock on. But, especially given how you describe your job, that seems like a recipe for a very stressful period of time. I would have given up a lot of housecleaning in order to preserve my 4 months of maternity leave. I love my job, had no desire to stay home longterm, etc. But it took all that time (and actually a few months more) to get to the point where I was getting enough sleep at night to function during the day. Also, the physical recovery and hormonal changes were no joke.
In your case, I would look at cutting back your expenses to see if it could buy you 1) more maternity leave and 2) a reduction in your overall stress levels. Part of your issue seems to be a high baseline level of financial anxiety. If you could get expenses down to the point where you know that you would be fine if your husband got laid off, maybe you could let go of some of that?
In the long run, you need a different job yourself, but I understand that it is hard to job search while pregnant. But you deserve to have a job that doesn’t make you miserable.
Anon
This is exactly what I am thinking. I may sound judgmental, but hiring people to do housecleaning, laundry, cooking, yard work and taking two big vacations on top of a mortgage, student loan at 25 years of age just sounds so unreal to me. I consider the women in this forum are as intelligent, hard working and many make good money. But how many times we have come across some one whose expenditure list is as above? This is just too much luxury especially that she hates her job, but she continues to do this to afford these luxuries. I would have found a job that I like and cut back on all these expenses and taken maternity leave to be with my child.
My husband makes less money (60-40 division)than I do but he is an amazing man and I love to be with him. He is happy with what he does and that is very important for me. I cannot imagine myself or him to be in a miserable job unless our only alternative is to be jobless. Also it is his career and it is for him to manage it. It is not my job to manager his career. We discuss about our day to day work and we talk when we want to change jobs, but the decision is left to the individual. I would revolt if my husband forces me to take up a job that I don’t like and talks to be me the way OP has written and I am sure he does the same. OP needs to give some space to him and reset her expectations.
Anonym
#humblebrag
+1 to the excess. Seriously, OP. Lay off and get some perspective, mostly for your kid’s sake.
snowy
+1
Sarabeth
Also, now that I see the “two big vacations” thing from above – trust me, when you have a six month old, taking a week or two off, keeping your kid in daycare, and napping every day in your own apartment will feel pretty luxurious. I know everyone has their own priorities, and I have done a fair bit of international travel since having a kid (both with and without baby), so I’m not throwing stones here. But given the choice, I would rather take a cheap vacation and get an extra few weeks of maternity leave. No contest.
Anonym
I’d rather have a happy husband in a lower paying job, only take one of those vacations (or none!) and vacuum my own floor, than a miserable husband in a job I pushed him into.
CKB
+1
Nonny
Agreed. You may find your mindset changes massively once you actually have your baby – I know mine has. As an internet stranger who has read this whole thread but doesn’t know you personally, honestly it sounds like the best thing for you would be to find a WAY less stressful job and cut way back on your expenses. You’d probably be much happier, and trust me, you will likely want to spend much more time with your baby than you think right now. I say this with love: lay off on your husband, and think harder about your own long-term health and happiness. You don’t need to be the wunderkind all the time.
TXLawyer
Have you considered taking the government job for yourself and cutting back on some of your lifestyle expenses (assuming you’re not committed to your job because of long-term career ambitions)?
It might be a paycut for you, but shorter work hours, lower stress environment, and better benefits might go a long way toward reducing your stress and improving your family’s quality of life.
Anon
She probably thinks she’s above it, but it’s good enough for her husband. I feel for that poor guy and bet we see his profile on OK Cupid in a few years.
OP
:) well that was mean.
We are actually happy together. We have a great lifestyle and have accomplished a lot for our ages. There have been bubbles, sure, but we are successful and are happy about the baby coming.
Didn’t apply as the husband was actively solicited for the job and he seemed initially very interested. Now he is not interested.
Kathryn
You’re ignoring what everyone is telling you about your attitude toward your husband. Even your above paragraph is all about your standard of living and being successful… there’s more to life and marriage than that.
I know there are a lot of harsh comments going on, but you are in complete denial.
Killer Kitten Heels
“We have a great lifestyle and have accomplished a lot for our ages…” is actually kind of a troubling description for a marriage, at least to me. There’s more to life – a lot more – than that, and it’s a little weird that, when describing how “happy” and “successful” your marriage is, you turn immediately to these outward indicators of wealth/achievement, rather than any mention at all of whether you’re compatible as human beings, whether you share the same values, whether you are supportive of each other, whether you feel emotionally close to each other, the list goes on.
I’m starting to wonder if you’re running through life trying to check off boxes on the “what successful people have” list as quickly as possible, without much regard for what anyone around you needs or wants or cares about.
cc
If someone implies that your marriage is going to end, and your response is “we have a great lifestyle” your marriage is absolutely going to end. Look at your responses! 1) we have a great lifestyle 2) we are accomplished, 3) we are successful. Was this an arranged marriage or something? I really can’t understand this attitude towards your husband.
Ebro fin
Hi OP
It sounds to me that you have a lot of pressure and very high expectations of both yourself and your husband. Reaching high is good, reaching too far too fast is counter productive.
You cannot make your husband take the new job and be successful, he’s an autonomous adult. When you have the baby, you’ll quickly learn you can’t control him/her either. You aren’t going to get good advice over the Internet, so I suggest you speak with a family member, or counselor, or religious advisor. It sounds to me that you are very frightened of your husband getting fired again, and that’s not unreasonable. You’ll be in a better spot if you get some help to develop tools and techniques so you are confident that you can manage through the bad stuff that eventually happens in everyone’s life.
Anon For This
I’m sure he already has a profile on Ashley Madison
Anon
I hope so for his sake!
Anonymous
Cosign killer kitten heels here. My dh and I are about your age; we’ve also accomplished a crazy awesome amount and have built an insane amount of wealth, esp. given that we both came from poor families, so no help there. Yes, I’m proud of those things, but seriously, my husband is my favorite person anywhere and he gets me and it’s just really awesome. I feel like being a person who’s able to build something so great with someone is by far my (our) best accomplishment.
Seems like you’re getting caught up in a lot of frivolous things that aren’t really worth fighting over. Life will throw you real problems at some point; save your energy for that and don’t make issues out of stuff that doesn’t need to be a big deal.
OP
I’m glad you are happy together and wish you guys the best. I think it’s awesome when young couples are succeeding and there are so many awesome young couples in our generation. I feel like people are rooting for us to fail sometimes or just determined to believe we are all living beyond our means or that our parents bank role our existences. :)
And yeah, I’m not pushing the job thing with him. I probably won’t bring it up again unless he does. In the last year he’s looking a lot healthier than he did before, the medication seems to be helping and he is taking it (for a while I don’t think he was), he’s just getting back into physical activity again and he has stopped a lot of weird behaviors (nervous type things that he used to do when stressed).
It’s not really a tit for tat thing and we are different people and these are different jobs but we had a sit down talk for a couple days before I took my current job about what it would mean for us and decided jointly for me to take it. I think that was fair given that the extra work hours meant a lot of stuff changed in our lives (for a while there it was too busy for anyone to even pick up mail). I was approached about a lower pay job by a headhunter, we talked it over and decided against it pursing it. Similarly we have discussed and turned down two or three other headhunter calls about jobs in other cities. We had the same talk together about maternity leave – in fact we had several talks about it and decided that it would be better for me to take less with the idea that he might take two months when I go back to work.
We didn’t have that talk about his new job due to the circumstances and other more pressing issues at that time (took a while to get him to a doctor, took forever to get him back to the doctor) and there doesn’t seem to be much point in a talk now about this job. The firing is a sensitive subject still and probably will be for a long time. I saw warning signs but I didn’t see it coming (or didn’t want to) so it was a shock for me. I am pretty sure though he knew it was coming (his letter said he had been warned before) so it has made me a bit nervous. It’s hard to explain how frustrating the whole thing about getting him to go to a doctor, get medication, take medication and go back was but it was a long, painful, miserable process.
It’s weird given the hourly breakdown of the day but I don’t identify as my job and there is a lot more to me than the job. Same goes for him. We are happy, we love each other, we have been together for quite a bit longer than we’ve been married. I’d like to feel a bit more secure about his job and his future where he is at but I accept that I cannot control any of that. He is very unsatisfied about his current salary and has been for months but I accept there is nothing I can do about that :).
Hollis
Okay, I am late here but I’m totally confused by the whole tenor of this discussion. She asked for ADVICE, not JUDGMENT/JUDGEMENT (depending on whether you’re into old English). I can’t really give advice here without knowing why he is not interested in the job, and why OP needs him to make more money. So,
1. If he is happy where he is and makes decent pay, can you live without him getting a real bump up in pay, or do you really need the extra money? It sounds like you both make a decent salary.
2. Can *you* find a job that you love a lot, so that you can be okay and accepting with him being where he is?
3. OP – if you dislike your position so much, why not take the government job yourself, since you guys do very comparable work?
I get the sense that you feel bitter about doing work that you find miserable, but that’s no reason for you to want him to be in a job that doesn’t make him happy. If anything, I think he should stay where he is because being a new parent and being exhausted is hard enough a transition without learning the ropes at a new job you are on the fence about.
Anon for this
Wow – A lot going on here. I’ll be honest in that I can somewhat relate to your situation, although I am far past it at this point (in both time and emotion). My advice: (1) see an individual therapist to sort out your feelings about your husband – why are you married? what is important to you in your marriage? These are not easy questions. It is okay to admit that you expect your husband to provide a certain level of financial support but you need to really examine what that should be and talk to him about whether it is realistic. (2) take whatever maternity leave you think you need for the baby. You are young and can make more money later. If you go back to work right away, my guess is that you are going to resent your husband even more than you already do (and, oh boy, the resentment practically flies off my screen). Tell him that’s your plan and figure out together how to deal with it. (3) at least fake it to your husband that you trust him not to get fired again. I’m sure your loss of trust in this area is crystal clear to him and all it does is further undermine his own confidence. Show him you are confident in him and he will be more confident and probably more competent at work as a result. (4) get a new job, or stop working so much at your current job. Don’t blame other people because you work too much. That is 100% your own decision.
Ethical Issues?
I’ve waded through all this and I can’t quite tell, but it seems that you are monitoring of your husband’s work product for quality and quantity. If you are, this raises all kinds of red flags in terms of your ethical conduct as an attorney and privacy concerns for his firm and his firm’s clients.
OP
Not monitoring it in the sense of reading it or proofing it. Monitoring in the sense that people tell me things even if I don’t want them to.
I got a lot of feedback from one particular partner at my husband’s old firm after they fired him that I definitely did not want and that was all quite upsetting… A lot of stuff about how he would be incapable of ever functioning as a lawyer without an incredibly good assistant to keep track of everything for him. And you can bet that people come up and tell you if your husband is not doing or performing if you work in the same field.
We both wanted to keep us separated. We agreed we would work in different areas of law when we got married and it’s obviously not the case now.
I do know how many hours he works – and it’s a small enough junior lawyer community that I hear if he is going for a two hour lunch or going to play golf on a Friday afternoon. Also he tells me, he is not really hiding anything so I know if I am at the office and he is not. :)
Anon
“I got a lot of feedback from one particular partner at my husband’s old firm after they fired him that…”
Or, that conversation could have gone: “Thank you for your willingness to provide feedback even after he was fired – not enough people do that. I would really prefer if you told my husband directly as you used to work together and it would be helpful to him to hear as a former coworker. It’s not my place to receive feedback about his performance, but thanks for offering.” And, honestly, I will not believe any argument that you *could not* have said that or were cornered and couldn’t walk away. Yes, you absolutely could have.
Again, I think you’re missing a lot of the very good, valid, albeit at times snarky, points of this whole chain – it’s about how you put yourself in mindsets/situations that are then shaping your judgment and opinions about your husband’s job and work. Make yourself responsible for being his wife, not career coach.
My husband has ADHD. He sees a professional monthly, is on experimental medication, and I help him by contributing when his professional seeks my opinion or observations (not by coaching him on his job or telling him my fears about his job.. he, too, lost his 2 years back for cause, which was arguably ADHD-related). I’ve also self-educated a lot since his diagnosis a few years back. They are some superb resources out there (simple google search will get you there) for spouses of people with ADHD. My Type A, always-a-planner personality benefited from self-education, and it sounds like you might find the same helpful.
Anon
Here is what I’m hearing:
Your husband is screaming, through his actions, YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!
And you are here, trying to figure out how you can make him let you boss him around.
This is not going to end well unless you admit that 1) you are a grown-up 2) he is also a grown-up 3) grown-ups don’t get to boss one another around and most importantly 4) if some arbitrary economic status is more important to you than his happiness, then you have much bigger problems than whether or not you can afford 2 big vacations a year.
Lorelai Gilmore
Thoughts? Get a new job. This is not about him, this is about you – you are exhausted, worried about the baby, not taking any maternity leave (for quality of life? What quality of life? You sound terribly unhappy!) I think you’ve been through a lot, have a lot of legitimate anxiety, but ultimately, you can only control your own reactions and choices. Which seems to mean that you need to change your own life to make it what you want, rather than pushing your husband to change his life to make it what you want.
Hang in there. Please be good to your husband and yourself. There’s so much anxiety in your words and I worry about both of you.
2 Cents
LOVE the plus-size picks, Kat! Thank you! I own the Ralph Lauren dresses in a similar style and love them — the ones I have are more c**ktail-y, so I’m really tempted by these.
Jacy Michele
I just love the dress…although I just don’t have the figure for a style like this…I still think it is very stylish for sure :)
purplesneakers
Does anyone have recommendations for (cheap-ish) dresses that will work on someone with a tummy?
So I’m 5’4, with broad shoulders and a slender build, small chest, practically no hips…. except that I really, really need to lose my spare tire. I love dresses and skirts and I’m looking for some to buy while I’m in the process of slimming down. Does anyone have recommendations for brands/styles that work with my body type? Preferably under $50.
TIA!
Wildkitten
I think this would cling to my tummy too much.
Clementine
For your build, what about a shift dress? You could always belt it for definition, but why not show off your legs and just let the shift skim your midsection.
I know it’s more than $50, but what about something like this?
http://piperlime.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=92937&vid=1&pid=259176002
The other option is to create a visual waist by belting something like a shirtdress or a wrap dress- potentially with some gathering to minimize any areas you’d rather not highlight.
WJM-TV
Check out the faux wrap dresses by Connected Apparel. I buy them online.
Sarabeth
I’ve had a lot of luck with Lauren by Ralph Lauren dresses at Macy’s. They’re usually in the $125 range, but they go on sale a lot and have a lot of rouching in the belly!
Nonny
Yes, I like those too and they seem to appear on a fairly regular basis at Ross and Winners (TJ Maxx).
Alana
This appears to be a mismatch in values. You are willing to work at a job you hate for $$$, and it seems he is not willing to do the same.
Also standard of living appears to be something you value, whereas he may prefer quality of life. Standard of living is more about maximizing income to have more money and the freedom to use that money as you see fit. Quality of life is about focusing more on people and free time. So, your husband appears to be willing to sacrifice a 30% raise in order to work for people he likes.
Anonymous
+1
My big bad day
I am having such a crappy day. Had a scary encounter with an angry driver who followed me all the way to work. Turns out the guy works one building away from me. I had to file a police report, but we park in the same deck so its possible we could run into each other again in the future. Fantastic. Was so flustered I stubbed my foot and lost the heel cap on my new shoes. I’m wearing new shoes today because I have a BIG IMPORTANT MEETING this afternoon with my new VP (one-on-one). Gah. I’m so flustered and just want this day to be over.
Kathryn
That really sucks. It’s scary when someone is an angry driver– my future FIL is one (though I don’t think he would ever follow someone) and it’s super uncomfortable to be in the car with him.
Can you make sure you’re parking in an area far from him? Gah I would hate this.
snowy
When something awful goes down and I need to refocus I usually text a friend or call my mom and share. Just having someone else on your side being like, “omg, that sucks, what a jerk, forget it – you’ll rock your one-on-one with the VP!” usually helps me.
Plus then they’re all prepped to meet you for happy hour debrief of your cr@ppy day tonight :)
Wildkitten
Can you park on a different level? I also had a terrible morning and am so glad it’s Friday. I am hoping my office closes early so I can go home and take a nap (terrible was exhausting).
L
daily puppy. you can’t help but feel good looking at those cutie pies!
Anonymous
Any particularly good labor day sales that you’ve found?
Marie Curie
I need help on how to gracefully “get rid” of an acquaintance, as horrible as that sounds.
We were in college together and had the same major so we saw each other in class and talked (class size was small so everybody knew each other). Ever since we graduated, she constantly wants to go for a coffee. And by constantly, I mean every month at least. The trouble is, I don’t really care for her, we had a nice time together in college but we never were friends and I’m busy with my job now and I want to see my real friends in the free time I have so she is at the bottom of my priority list, if she’s even on there. It wouldn’t be so bad if we had something to talk about, then I would meet her every two months or so, but I did that a couple of times and after ten minutes of catching up on each others’ lives we literally had nothing more to say and sat in awkward silence for the next 30 minutes. Yet she keeps texting me if I have time to meet her.
I have declined the last couple of times and even flat-out ignored her last two texts but it seems she does not get the hint. Is there any other way to nicely tell her to stop texting me? It’s not that she is a bad person and she hasn’t done anything wrong and I feel bad about having to do this, but I don’t want to spend my time with people who … add nothing to my life, for lack of better wording. To make it worse, she is in grad school now which is close to my job so we might bump into each other again.
Any advice on how to break up with her? Or should I just bite the bullet and meet her from time to time?
Anon
Hmmm… it’s really unfortunate that she’s not getting the hint. If it were me, I would continue to decline with very unambiguous wording such as “sorry, I’m not able to meet up”. It would seem a little extreme to have a *breakup* talk with her but I suppose if the declining/ignoring keeps not working you have no other choice?
Anon
Just say you’re having a really busy phase and you feel bad, but you can’t realistically fit it into your schedule Or, if you feel pretty bad about it and work out regularly, invite her to a your yoga class or something. Then you can hang out, but not really hang out, if you know what I mean.
Senior Attorney
I would probably say “I’m in a super busy patch but I will let you know when my schedule frees up,” and then block her number so I can’t see her texts.
But I’m mean that way…
Wildkitten
Having boundaries is useful.
nutella
I’d love to know the answer to this, too. I am 6 years out of college and am *still* trying to ‘breakup’ with a friend. She just does not. get. the. hint.
Lorelai Gilmore
Abandon the coffees and invite her to do things with you – for example, if you’re going to a movie, invite her along, or if she says “let’s get coffee,” say, “Coffee doesn’t work, but I’m going to a yoga class at 3, want to come?” Or just put her on the party list (we have a big Christmas party and it’s a really helpful way to eliminate a lot of social obligations at once.) Life is too short to waste time with people that you don’t like, but it sounds like she is trying to be a good friend to you and it’s too hard to make friends to throw those away.
Anonymous
I don’t know why, but this made me feel incredibly sad for this woman? Its possible she does not have any friends and is desperate for a connection. I know there’s limited time for everyone in your life, but if it were me, I think I would try to make time for her, even if it was kind of painful. Unless I’m completely wrong and she has lots of friends. I just feel bad for her since she keeps reaching out to you.
Anonymous
I had the same thought. Can you do what LG above suggested and invite her along with your other friends? Maybe then she will connect with someone else in the group, or find out that one of your friends knows someone that she has X in common with, and she bonds really well to that person and will rely less on you for social time. No one should have to invite themselves out with someone who apparently can’t stand her, but it does sound like she could use some help growing her social network. I try to imagine I have a daughter or sister in a new city in this situation and help out, even if hanging out with this girl is not the most fun time ever.
Nonny
Hi ladies! I have a PSA on a really great, cheap dress that I found. Remember a couple of weeks ago when we thought we had found a real wrap Land’s End dress, and it turned out to be faux wrap? Well, I scouted around their website (since I still desperately needed a dress that would open down the front) and found this plain black dress (link to follow). It is not fancy (I would call it business casual, or even a Friday dress), but I have to say it is the best purchase I have made in quite a while. The fit is good, the fabric drapes really well, and the cut is surprisingly good for a $60 dress. Two matters of concern were raised by reviewers: (a) the gold buttons – true, the dress has exceptionally ugly gold buttons, but I just replaced them with plain buttons that I already had lying around – an easy fix; and (b) the fabric – it is a polyester knit, but has a nice matte finish and is thick enough to lie smoothly and not highlight lumps and bumps. I am wearing the dress today with a green belt and cardigan, and black pumps, and feel like a million bucks. A highly recommended buy.
Nonny
Here is the link:
http://www.landsend.com/products/womens-knit-matte-jersey-dress/id_262714
PS I said above it was $60, but of course I paid in Canadian dollars…the price is actually US $45 right now.
Rachelellen
This is interesting bc I bought 2 LE dresses at the same time in July. One is a lovely fit, sturdy jersey fabric, a solid keeper. The other is slightly thinner material that’s already stretched out, doesn’t seem as flattering as when I bought it, and inexplicably is showing what look like grease stain/spots (?)… It is basically useless after maybe 5 wears.
Red Beagle
I like this! I think I could even live with the buttons. LE usually runs big on me. Maybe if I find it in the store I’ll try a small… I have to return one of their ponte pocketed sheaths this weekend because my usual size is too big so I’ll look for this one while I’m there.