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Coffee Break: ‘Cadence’ Demi Wedge Pump

Tory Burch Cadence Cap-Toe Stretch Wedge | CorporetteOooh, hello gorgeous. These black wedge pumps look like they are awesome — sophisticated but comfortable at the same time. It's a 3.5″ heel with suede and elastic panels — Nordstrom and CUSP both have it for $285. Tory Burch ‘Cadence' Demi Wedge Pump Here's a less expensive option, and a comfort option.

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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120 Comments

  1. Threadjack! I’m headed over the Bay Bridge either tomorrow night or Saturday morning to go to the Delaware Shore. Can anyone advise whether it’s better to make that trip at either 9pm Friday night or 8 am Saturday morning? I know there can be a huge backup, especially on a holiday weekend, so please tell me if I am kidding myself to hope that Friday night (but not at midnight) will be better than Saturday am? Thanks!

    1. Either of those times should really be ok. Friday rush hour will be bad, but the bridge should start clearing (barring an accident) by 8ish. It’s hard to tell what traffic coming towards the bridge will be like, however.

      8 am on Saturday should also be ok, but if there is any chance your leaving will be delayed and you won’t hit the bridge until 10 am, then forget it.

      The Severn River Bridge (rt 50 just past the Annapolis exits) will be worse during Friday evening than the Bay Bridge will be. Just hang on and get through that back up and you should be ok.

      Thursdays are the new Fridays as far as beach traffic is concerned and I expect tonight will be a nightmare.

      All bets are off if it rains, or there is a fender bender or other issue. And I’m sure I just jinxed you.

      2. I’m not that familiar with traffic on the bridge but I’m (unfortunately) very familiar with traffic along the coast. You’re better off going Friday night. 50, 1, and 113 are pretty clear after 9:30ish Friday, but they start getting super backed up shortly before 9 a.m. Saturday morning.

    2. I would think 8 am on Saturday might be a little too late, but I’m approaching from a different direction.

      1. Yea, you have to be ON the bridge at 8 am, not leaving from where ever you are leaving from (even if it’s someplace close to the Bridge). So leaving DC at 6:30 or 6:45. Leaving Baltimore at 6:45 to 7.

    3. Yes if you go *really early* on saturday morning it’s OK. We left the DC area (inside the beltway) at 7am, hit the bridge around 7:40 and it took us about 3.25 hours to get to OCMD. We would actually leave at 6am if we did it again. But then we were going over the bridge the following weekend, left at 9am, and it was hell to just get over the bridge. Like took us 1.5 hours from DC to the other side of the bay, thank god we weren’t going all the way to the shore.

    1. That’s way harsh Tai.

      While I kind of think the recommendations on here haven’t been stellar recently, I really liked this morning’s blazer, and I think Kat works hard to pick things that she thinks we’ll like, so..maybe don’t be mean about it?

      1. I’m the opposite – I think the comfort option is not cute, and I love the one featured. However, I would not call either of them f u g, because I think that is rude.

    3. Agree; this shoe looks neither stylish nor comfortable; I insist on at least one of the two!

    4. Agree as well. And I’m not so sure 3.5 inch heels should have a blanket describer of “comfortable.”

      1. Ankle straps always feel juvenile to me (personally), but otherwise the tights will make shoes fly right off my feet (which is not the most grown-up looking thing either…)

    3. I read the responses before looking at the link, and the shoe isn’t what I expected. I thought it would look like a little girl’s mary jane. I don’t think it looks like a little girl’s shoe, but I don’t think the studs are appropriate for an office.

      I also think it’s too open for tights. I think it would be like wearing socks with sandals. Without tights, I think it would show too much foot for a conservative office. I wouldn’t wear it barefooted unless sandals are acceptable footwear at your office.

      FWIW, I actually like the shoe – but for weekends and evenings in mild weather.

      1. I agree on it might be strange with tights – but it would be awesome with a nice pair of ankle pants.

      2. I wear studs in a very formal office all the time. I wouldn’t let that fact stop me with those flats. It’s a tiny embellishment. I think the open sides make this pair harder to wear with tights.

  4. I signed up for a farmers market box (CSA box) this summer, and I have been getting a ton of vegetables, which is awesome, but I’m finding it hard to keep up with the supply. Well, this week I got a huge head of cabbage. And I don’t really like cabbge.

    Anyone have good cabbage recipes? Or good beet/beet green recipes?

    1. Re: cabbage – green or red?

      Re: beets – peel them, cube them, toss with olive oil and salt, roast at 425. Add sliced, roasted pears, goat cheese, walnuts if you want them, mixed greens (including the beet greens), and a vinaigrette.

    3. In moderation due to e t t e

      Re: cabbage – green or red?

      Re: beets – peel them, cube them, toss with olive oil and salt, roast at 425. Add sliced, roasted pears, goat cheese, walnuts if you want them, mixed greens (including the beet greens), and a vinaigr***e.

        1. It also works well with a piece of grilled salmon on the top or side, if you are looking for a protein source :)

      2. And if you make tons of roasted beets, tge kitchn dot com has a great roasted beet, barley, and feta salad recipe that I love to take to work for lunches and eat at room temperature. It’s also good if you skip the feta and add greens of some sort.

      3. That beet salad sounds excellent. For me, I’d switch out the raw mixed greens and instead saute some onion in olive oil until soft and lightly brown, then add in the beet greens until wilted. When they’re wilted, season with salt and plenty of black pepper, plus a splash of red wine vinegar. Top with all of the delicious items suggested above.

        Cabbage — I like a very simple cole slaw: shredded cabbage (and carrots if you want) with a buttermilk dressing and loads of either mint or basil chiffonade tossed in, and plenty of black pepper. This is best with napa cabbage, but would work with any kind.

        1. +1 This is exactly what we do. With the greens, I take out the stems, dice them, sometimes a fraction of them, and add them to the onion saute. Options beyond red wine vinegar – add white wine while sauteing or lemon juice. If you want to add some creaminess, I’ve melted parmesan (or similar) into, or on top of the greens.

          For beets, roast & peel & slice them, then saute them with olive oil and make your favorite sour cream & horseradish dip and dunk them & eat. After you’ve roasted them, you can saute them a beet at a time for the horseradish treatment, if only one of you likes them. I found a decadent, but simple recipe for this in Gourmet and I actively disliked beets – the recipe was a turning point.

          Cole slaw for the cabbage with some carrot & parsley – the dressings aren’t complicated, or you can find a bottled one that you like. The big part of this is slicing and dicing the cabbage. Where is Gallagher when you need him? :)

    4. My two favorite cabbage recipes:
      Asian cole slaw: It’s basically cole slaw with a delicious gingery vinaigrette. It really works well with the slight bitterness of the cabbage.
      http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Asian-Style-Cole-Slaw-1538
      Cooked cabbage with apples: Not the recipe I use but similar. Cabbage softens up quite a bit on cooking and the sweetness of the apples provides a lovelycontrast.
      http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/sauteed-cabbage-apples-50400000132698/

      I’m really in awe of your CSA commitment. I keep thinking about trying it but am worried that most of it would spoil in my fridge.

      1. Yum. Cole slaw. I’m a sucker for every kind of slaw out there, so that would be my choice.

    6. Also, making okonomiyaki uses tons of cabbage, is filling and delicious, and IMO doesn’t taste “cabbage-y” at all. Google okonomiyaki or maybe, “Japanese vegetable fritter” or something.

      1. That sounds great! I’ve been making zucchini fritters recently (with all my CSA zucchini). It looks like Smitten Kitchen has a great recipe for japanese vegetable pancakes, so I think I’ll try those.

          1. When I was in Hiroshima we ordered oknomiyaki with “pork.” And by “pork,” they meant “bacon.”

            Bacon.

            Yummmm…..

      2. Serious Eats has a good okonomiyaki recipe that I’ve made before. Like Senior Attorney said – it’s better with bacon/pork belly! If you have Korean stores in your area, they will have thin sliced pork belly (basically uncured bacon).

    7. cabbage is great in stir fry! I have a great colcannon recipe too (potato and cabbage soup). It’s also a pretty cool and crunchy alternative to lettuce wraps (cabbage wraps!). Friends have suggested to be sauteing with bacon and butter, which is lovely as well.

      they really work well with most cooking methods/flavors as brussel sprouts.

    9. For once, I have delicious options for both of these!

      Cabbage: pickled cole slaw. Cut the cabbage into thin strips, add some carrot strips, sprinkle salt over the cabbage and let sit until water squeezes out when you squeeze the cabbage. Get most of the water out, then add white vinegar, apple cider vinegar and apple juice to taste. Serve with pulled pork.

      Beets: Boil beets until you can stick a fork in them, but it’s still a little hard to do so. Meantime, cut up a leek and some squash and sautee it in butter. Add the peeled and cut up beets to the sautee for a short time. Spoon mixture over mixed greens and goat cheese. This is our new favorite dinner- we’ve been eating it as least once a week since my husband came up with it a month ago.

    10. Make a vegetable soup with cabbage in it. Weight watchers has a good recipe. Or do stuffed cabbage rolls. Or fry it up with bacon. Just google and you’ll find a ton. Beets—roast them with olive oil and salt and pepper.

    11. At home, I cook almost all Chinese or Japanese dishes. I cook Chinese stir fry cabbage with sliced carrots and garlic – usually after the oil, I put down a little salt and crushed or sliced garlic, add in carrots and a little bit of water, cover for a bit, then add in cabbage, mix and cover for a few minutes, then stir fry. Pretty light and simple dish, goes well with rice.

      I also use a lot of cabbage when making nabeyaki udon – search justonecookbook for a good recipe. I used cabbage instead of spinach and it still tasted pretty good.

      You can also use cabbage in stir fry yakiudon – justonecookbook also has a decent recipe for it.

    12. Indian cabbage! Slice cabbage, heat up some oil or ghee in a pan, add equal parts ginger (I used the pureed ginger from a jar) and chopped garlic, then add the cabbage. Stir and cook the cabbage down a bit and then add tons of curry powder, some extra cumin, and salt and pepper (all to taste). This has oddly become one of my favorite side dishes.

    13. One of my favorite things to eat on earth is Slanted Door’s grapefruit-jicama salad. Its base is shredded cabbage and shredded carrots — so a typical slaw — with julienned jicama added, plus chunks of pink grapefruit and sugared pecans. The dressing is mostly lime juice and rice vinegar. Gah. Now I want some. I haven’t bought the Slanted Door cookbook so I don’t have an exact recipe, but this blogger seems to have it pretty darn close:
      http://littleeater.com/blog/slanted-doors-jicama-and-grapefruit-salad-with-red-cabbage-candied-pecans-and-sweet-soy-dressing/
      (The restaurant does make it with red cabbage but I like it with either.)

      Also, if you have the Smitten Kitchen cookbook, try the sesame-miso sugar snap pea salad/slaw — she specifies Napa cabbage, but I’ve made it with regular green cabbage and it’s fantastic. I also take out the radish and sub back in shredded carrots — and I don’t bother to blanch the sugar snaps. (I looked but couldn’t find the same recipe on her website, unfortunately.)

  5. Any good recommendations for maternity jeans that don’t cost a fortune? I’m looking for a skinny pair that doesn’t stretch out. I’ll probably spend up to $100 maaaaaybe $150.

    1. Have you tried Gap? I felt my Gap maternity jeans were pretty perfect, but I’m not so crazy about them that I’d wear them post-pregnancy (ha).

      1. I agree – I loved my Gap maternity jeans. They were a dark wash, skinny jean that fit me better than most of my non-pregnant jeans.

      2. +1 my Gap skinny jeans didn’t stretch out and were more comfortable than my 7 maternity jeans.

    2. Honestly, I know you don’t want to spend a lot, but one of the things I wished I splurged on was a pair of dark skinny jeans. I cheaped out and never ended up with a pair I liked. It made maternity dressing difficult without a go-to pair of jeans.

      If there’s a next time, the first thing I am getting is a pair of good jeans.

      1. Agreed. I bought a pair of Paige skinny maternity jeans on sale from Nordstrom. I loved the heck out of them. I bought the ones with a real zipper and side panels and they made me feel so much more normal. I couldn’t wear them after about 36 weeks, but at that point, I wasn’t interested in wearing jeans anyway. It was all leggings (or my husband’s sweat pants) all the time.

    3. Seraphine. I got a pair of dark skinnies there for a little less than $100. Wore them at least 20 times. I would size down — I normally wear an 8, and probably couldn’t have gotten away with a 6 — there’s some serious stretch going on.

    4. I actually liked my Old Navy ones. I bought a pair of Paige ones on clearance (no returns) and they were terrible. Always fell off me up top, while the calf was way too tight. So don’t buy a final sale pair! Aint No Mom Jeans (now The Mom Edit) used to have reviews – not sure if she transferred them over to the new site.

    5. My experience is that the best maternity jeans are the ones that fit you the best. You just have to go and try them on and decide whether you want a full panel, no panel, etc. My go-to are (shudder) Jessica Simpson brand. They are the most comfortable ones I could find in the limited time I wanted to spend trying on maternity jeans. I am 100% sure no one looks for the label on my jeans, thank goodness.

    6. My favorite maternity pants were my jeans from Kohl’s – I usually have terrible luck at Kohl’s but these had a nice full panel, dark wash, and just fit right. If you can scout out a 10%-20% coupon, they’re a steal.

    7. I have to say, I really liked the old navy skinny maternity jeans with a demi band. I had the more expensive jbrand ones with a full panel, but they always felt like they were falling down since the pricey brands basically cut off the waistband of their normal jeans and sew on the stretchy top.

  6. I was recently across the country for an interview and decided to stay over a week to visit friends. I was in a hotel for a few of the nights, but my friend and her roommate graciously put me up for the rest of the time — without me even asking! They were such awesome hosts and I had a great time hanging out with them. I took them out to dinner while I was there, but given that they had a houseguest for almost a week, I want to send them something else as a thank you. They recently moved into their apartment, so maybe something apartment-related? Also, I live across the country, so it will have to be something that I can send to them (or have delivered to them locally). Ideas? TIA. :)

    1. Did you notice something they were missing or could upgrade? A nice chef’s knife, for example.

      Is there a food or product they particularly enjoy? Something like coffee, where you could send them a high quality bag of beans.

    2. Did you notice anything missing from the apartment that would be handy to have? Like extra hand towels or a magazine rack or some of those awesome hooks that stick on the wall and then come off without leaving a trace (I had those all over the apartment I just left and they were fantastically handy for pretty much everything from keys to hanging tomorrow’s outfit to dish towels, and they come in some nice non-plasticky-looking finishes). Or a live plant you could have delivered? Or a framed piece of art — maybe a poster for a local landmark?

      ETA hoola hoopa and I were posting at the same time — great minds think alike! ;) Love the “upgrade the kitchen stuff” idea!

  7. Fashion advice please? I have the greatest pair of dark red heels, but I can’t ever figure out what to wear them with. Very classic shoe (Stuart Weitzman Hola in a dark red patent) that I would love to wear more. I usually wear pants, not skirts. I think I could do a neutral color pant (Black, grey, navy?), but then I’ve got no idea what to wear on top. Only thing I can think of is cream. Any thoughts would be much much appreciated! Thank you!

    1. Camel, ivory, taupe, and possibly, teal would all work. I think they are more versatile than you think. Just no green, or you’ll look holiday-themed.

      1. Yup. Anything except green. Just yesterday, I wore navy pants, a camel sweater with a light pink and white check shirt underneath and maroon patent pumps.

    2. I agree that red shoes can be really versatile. I’d probably try them on with most outfits. My red shoes were a workhorse, I miss them.

    3. Dark red is a really fashion-forward color right now. Get yourself over to Pinterest and type “dark red shoes” into the search box and you should come up with some great ideas.

    4. I have the J. Crew Martina patent wedge pumps in dark red and love wearing them with all shades of grey, light through dark. Also frequently wear them with camel and a darker golden brown — acorn? — wool trouser.

      To threadjack your post — I am desperately trying to find a skinny belt that will come close to this color — since it will be relatively far from the shoes I think nearly anything in the maroon, garnet, burgundy, “sangria” family would work. The critical aspect is that it must have silver or nickel hardware, as I don’t wear gold anything. Anyone up for vicarious shopping help? Thank you in advance!

    5. Any colour really. They would look lovely with navy or sky blue, grey, black, camel, black and white combos, purple, etc.

  8. I don’t have a question but could really use some advice, support, something. My husband suffers from depression and generalized anxiety disorder. He’s been on meds in the past, but got better, went off them, and was more or less fine (he’s a pessimist by nature, so it’s often hard to tell, but he was very much “normal”). We had a horrific year this past year: sudden death of a young family member, infertility followed by IVF followed by extremely rocky pregnancy (like me in and out of the hospital and worried the baby would have significant disabilities rocky), and job loss. The baby was (thankfully!) born perfectly healthy, but a new baby is a stressor no matter what else is going on. After I got laid off, my husband decided to get a new job since he was working at a start up for very little pay and no benefits. He found something new fairly quickly but it’s apparently job from hell. He used to be a lawyer but left the law for the start up world. His new job sort of blends the two but he earns about half what he’d be earning if he’d stayed in law. He also feels like it’s not leading him toward any work he wants to do long-term. He works big firm hours (doesn’t get home until after 10:00pm most nights and often works at least one full day on the weekend). His boss’s boss is the CEO and apparently is someone who asks for A then when you give him A (after working 100 hrs in one week on it) says “why on earth did you think we needed A? Clearly it’s B that we need.” Meanwhile I’m five months into a job search that’s going nowhere (I’m a lawyer, too, but I spent some time doing other work and am sort of a weird bird these days that no one wants — after close to 80 job applications, I’ve had a total of two interviews and no offers). This would be stressful and difficult for anyone. It’s sending my husband over the edge. He has an appointment with a therapist, but he couldn’t find anyone with an opening less than a month away. How do we get through these next 3 1/2 weeks until that appointment? I don’t *think* my husband is a suicide risk, but I’ve had to ask him more than once whether I should be worried. And once you have to ask, can you really be sure? But even without that worry, he’s so, so, so angry. He’s angry at me. He’s angry at our son. He’s angry at himself (SO angry at himself). I’m not worried he’d hurt me or the baby and he’s only warm and loving toward the baby, but he says he’s in this position because we’re parents and he had to find a job and this was what he could find. He’s angry I haven’t found a job yet. He’s convinced he’s going to get fired from his current job. Part of me believes that’s completely unlikely (have you seen how hard it is to get fired most places? I’ve worked with complete disasters who still were never fired) but he’s spiraling into such a dark place so quickly and so hard that I can’t completely rule it out. Besides being heartbroken at watching him suffer, I’m also completely panicked. What will we do if he does lose his job? I do believe that treatment will help him. But I also am realistic about how long it might take for him to really get better. Meanwhile, being post partum, at home all day with the baby and usually not seeing any adults other than my husband, and dealing with the self confidence bashing job search I’m in has made this even harder for me to bounce back from. What do I do? How do I get us through these next few weeks? I dread my husband coming home at night because he’s so palpably miserable. I just feel completely panicked about all of it. Can anyone offer any suggestions?

    1. I think that the two of you should call his primary care doctor, get an emergency appointment, read this out loud, and tell the doctor that he urgently needs to see someone for mental health issues. This sounds awful and I am worried about you, the baby, and your husband.

      1. +1. If your PCP won’t help, call your OB. These are serious issues and someone can pull strings for help or at least get him in to do a proper evaluation.

        I don’t know if this helps, but I also get really scary angry when I’m depressed. One of the tricks my therapist taught me is to go into a room alone and scream into a pillow. It may not help the underlying problems, but it helps in the moment get my stress levels down.

    2. I’m very sorry. I second making an appointment with your primary care doc to have a professional evaluation and potentially a referral to get your husband in earlier. This sounds impossibly hard and I’m so so sorry you are going through it.

    3. Call his primary care doctor, call the therapist and ask to get his appointment moved. This is an urgent situation. He’s angry, you think he is spiraling and there is a baby in the mix. Call your primary care doctor/OB and tell them that you need to get some therapy from you. Does he have an employee assistance program that you can call? Is there a mental health facility in your town that you can call? NAMI hotline?

      1. The appointment with the therapist *is* through an employee assistance program. He called a number of providers before he was finally able to find anyone who was taking new patients. And that person didn’t have any open appointments until late September. The receptionist asked if it was an emergency and he said it wasn’t because he interpreted that to mean “may do violence to self or others.” He’s worried if he calls back and says that it is an emergency, that he’d be put on some sort of list and it would cause problems down the road. I wish I could say that was just paranoia (and I do think it is, a bit) but we live in an area with a lot of defense work and if it interfered with his ability to get a clearance at some point it could indeed be an issue. (I really hate the way mental health is treated. It’s so awful.)

        1. Can you tell him that it is an emergency? Can you check for an earlier appointment on ZocDoc? Having to make all these phone calls yourself when you are depressed is HARD, so its great that you can help him out.

          1. +1 to Wildkitten’s suggestions, and also, maybe call back the original provider and ask if they’d be willing to call you in the event that an appointment opens up earlier? Your H may be able to take advantage of an opening created by a last-minute cancellation that way.

        2. Is he actually able to help himself? As in, should you be calling because it is actually an immediate threat/emergency, based on what you’ve described, even though he may not see it as such?

          This is impossibly hard, but this is where you have to tell yourself you love him too much to stand by – you need to get active and get him in to see someone. You call back. Call someone outside of employee referral program (if that’s where the fear of being on a “list” comes from). Just call.

        3. +1 to what WildKitten said. Also, if he’s got health insurance through his work, if you can log on and see who his providers are, maybe you could call (all of) them in-network, then start with the out-of-network people. Most therapists have a sliding scale, so hearing that he’s making 1/2 pay + you out of work, this may be workable for you.

          I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for close to a decade now, and I can tell you that the first call for professional help is the hardest. And some of the receptionists/appointment takers are not as sympathetic as you’d expect for, considering what you’re calling about. If you’re able to do this for him, it would be a big +1.

        4. I was in a similar position to your husband, and over a month out from an appointment with a therapist- I ended up going to my GP, and she had me admitted to the hospital. I wasn’t suicidal, but I was in a really bad place that had it continued, could have turned suicidal. I’m so sorry and I hope your family gets the help and relief it needs ASAP!

      2. +1 On what everyone else said. Call your doc, call your OB, call the therapist, call your insurance, get an appointment asap.

        800-273-8255 is the suicide hotline but call it any time you are worried, don’t wait for suicide! Do save it in your phone. Save it in your hubby’s phone. Everyone on r3tt3 should just save it all our phones right now, just in case you or anyone you know needs it, ever!

    4. Don’t ask “should I be worried?” Ask specific questions like “have you considered killing yourself?” And “do you have a plan?” If he does have a plan, does he have access to the means? “Yes” answers to all 3 of these indicates a problem for sure. Better yet, get to a counselor who can ask these questions and interpret the answers. Note: I am not a mental health professional, just deal with these issues a lot.

    5. That’s a very tough situation. I think other posters gave you great advice re DH but I suggest you too get yourself a counseling appointment or two, or some other kind of emotional support. Hang in!

    6. I have no concrete advice but I’m so sorry you are both in this very difficult position with so many stressors. Each one of these things is such a huge stressor in itself.
      I don’t know where you are but if you don’t mind sharing your location, I for one would be happy to babysit for you for a few hours to give you time to job search or spend some time one on one with your husband and talk with him so you can both get in a better place. Please post an anon email address or a location. I hope you and he get the help you need.

    7. Who prescribed him the meds in the past? Can he go back to that doctor – maybe they wouldn’t consider him a new patient if he’s been there before even if it was a few years ago. And even if it isn’t in network for your insurance, it may be worth paying the out of network cost for some coverage in the meantime.
      And I also agree with others above that if you are scared for him or yourself, that’s an emergency.

    8. I’ve dealt with a SO like this and second the advice to talk to whoever he sees about getting in sooner and if it’s a new relationship with a doc, try some others in the meantime. It’s often easier to get in if you pay out of pocket (sometimes you can get insurance to reimburse later) or if he’s flexible on timing and leaves the stressful job during the day to get treatment (this can be hard to convince depressed people to do).

      More importantly, take care of your own needs too. Depression is highly contagious and being the non depressed partner is so hard. I was and I found therapy for myself while being with someone depressed absolutely necessary.

  9. I’m a size 6.5 in Nine West Shoes and a 7.5 in Jcrew shoes. What should I order for LK Bennett pumps? The nordstrom reviews say that they run small.

    1. I’m a 9.5 in J. Crew (although I’ve only tried on 1 pair of sandals so YMMV). I was also 9.5 in the LK Bennett pumps – I am totally blanking on the right conversion to the UK size, but it should be on their website.

  10. I need some advice and a reality check from the hive. I am at a BigLaw firm, and the primary breadwinner. My husband used to make BigLaw associate level pay, but was laid off several years ago. He hung out his own shingle, and has never made more than half of what he used to. This year, it will be maybe about a quarter. The problem is, he doesn’t seem motivated to market himself to get more clients/projects, and this is not something that is going to change.

    We have a full-time nanny to care of our toddler, a lawn service to cut the grass, and a cleaning lady to clean our house. I’m really not sure what he does all day, other than the occasional projects around the house. While I appreciate that his flexibility takes a lot of pressure off of me, and may help my career, I’m wondering if the flexibility is worth the financial cost. We live comfortably enough on my salary alone (essentially) right ow, but I’m worried about long-term impact of the lost earnings – retirement savings, college tuition, etc. Am I being unreasonable? Should I just appreciate having a stay-at-home spouse?

    1. Reading between the lines, I don’t think you’re worried about the money. I think you’re worried that you are married to someone who isn’t motivated. And for what it’s worth, I’d be much more concerned about the latter than the former. My SO doesn’t make as much as I do, but he’s extremely driven, and that means much more to me than the $$ amount.

      1. That’s what I’m hearing, too.

        And in all honesty, how IS his flexibility helping you? You’re outsourcing child care, lawn care, and housekeeping. What exactly is he himself taking off your plate?

        My husband has been SAH for most of our marriage, and I LOVE it. He does child care, meal prep, laundry, house and yard keeping, and other odds and ends. He’s hardworking and driven, even when it’s not his ‘professional’ career. I respect him a great deal and appreciate and can feel everything that he does to lighten my load. I do worry about retirement etc, but for you it sounds like if he picked up more at home, the reduced outsourcing costs could be his ‘contribution’ to your joint long term savings.

        1. I think that if he was taking care of our little one full-time, I would feel differently. That is definitely a full time job that takes dedication and drive! His flexibility helps me b/c he takes care of our toddler in the gap between my hours and the nanny’s hours. And he is pretty handy around the house.

          The reason we decided to employ a nanny is so that he will be free to work if a project comes his way. It would only take a few projects for his income to exceed the cost of the nanny. He is paying her salary out of his own funds, while I pay for everything else. Maybe at some point when his savings run low, he would realize that working for himself is not working out. So maybe I just need to be patient. And look on the bright side of not having to juggle 2 careers and a family.

          To Anon and Former Partner, we had a conversation a few months ago that started my current frustrations. We were talking about ways he could try to do more marketing and networking, and he said that he preferred not to meet in person with clients because he doesn’t have the presence that would impress them in-person. So maybe it’s not lack of motivation, it’s lack of self-confidence. I think that’s when I realized that his business was not going to succeed. Which made me question the point of halfheartedly pursuing it.

          1. What did DH think he should do to get clients? Business development isn’t a skill that a lot of people have. If he’s not good at it or doesn’t like it, he should focus his energy on something he will be good at and will like. It can be tough to walk away from a start up without feeling like a failure, but maybe it’s time for DH to move on. Have you talked to him about staying home with your toddler, at least in the short term? How does he feel about it?

          2. So he’s actually working but doesn’t have enough clients/projects for a full plate. That’s different than being SAH. So first, I’d start thinking of him as working part time rather than being SAH, because that will frustrated both of you.

            His job sounds similar to my husband’s. It’s a challenge to arrange child care for “part time” work because for a single project it’s actually full time for one week, zero time for the next three, etc.

            I can offer limited advice about the financial aspect since it sounds like your finances are completely separate. We have fully combined finances, so we make our decisions jointly. But if you and he agree that you need to cut back, you could certainly lower the outsourcing costs by using a part-time nanny, a full-time daycare center, or getting lucky and finding a childcare provider who will do drop in (this is what we did). I suspect that the housekeeping and landscaping services can more easily be adjusted, so reduce them for now since he can be doing more if he’s really only working at quarter time. Or, you can let him mange his finances how he sees fit if that’s how your marriage usually runs.

            Regardless, you guys really need to have a discussion about this. How long does he plan to work at this level? What’s his long term goal? What is his plan to reach them? How is that going to work with your current finances and future finances? It may be helpful to set a timeline, such as if he’s not full speed in one year, he’ll try something else (becoming SAH, taking a position with a firm who has full time work, changing careers, etc). Reading between the lines really does sound like you’re losing respect for him because of his decisions around this, and those negative feelings are most likely not going to improve without open communication.

          3. If there’s a chance this marriage may not make it, do not let him stop working or you will end up paying for him post divorce.

    2. I have friends who are 20 years down your line. And divorcing. And it is really bad because he is demanding at least half of everything that she ever made and that he never contributed to. Although the practical side of me says, “It is never too late for a post-nup,” the nice side of me says, “This is probably a good time to have a series of calm, serious, partnerly conversations with your husband about what you each want and how to make sure to deal with everything that is in your future(s) so that you don’t end up like my friends.”

      ETA: And I totally agree with Anon above that the lack of motivation/seriousness/drive is more important than the finances (although they are important!). This is also clearly a driver for my friends.

      1. I am in a very similar situation. And I am now separated. We have some other issues too (addiction and relapses) but part of what I have learned I want is for him to contribute something to the family. Ideally it would be money and chores but if it can’t be money for now it can be chores. Now we are having him do the food shopping and dinners. It’s easy for us commenters to demonize him as lazy and entitled but what I’m learning in my case is that I have contributed significantly to the situation that has evolved. I have over-functioned, allowing him to under-function. I have taken things over because I am better at them. I have failed to set and maintain boundaries regarding what I need and how much I am willing to do. We have two kids and I would really rather fix things than get divorced, but I also repeatedly see how deep grooves go (how used to being superwoman I am). Part of me thinks I would like to end this relationship and have a better start with someone else but part of me thinks unless I change myself I might just end up in the same place. Plus we’ve got kids who love him and I honestly haven’t seen a man I’d rather have.

        2. Lobbyist, it made me sad to hear your situation. You seem to be self-aware and thoughtful about the situation. Did you ever try marital or individual counseling, or did you just come to these realizations on your own? It’s hard for me to ever see what *I* did wrong.

    3. I guess the issue is that you don’t actually have a stay-at-home spouse? If you have a nanny, your husband isn’t doing the childcare. Arguably a nanny is only justifiable if both salaries are (significantly) higher than what it costs to pay the nanny.

    4. What. A. Joke. He’s not really working? Awesome. Then you don’t need a lawn service or a cleaning lady because he’s a grown up and he is going to pull his weight. What is there for you to appreciate?

      Have you guys talked about this? Cause my progression would be conversation –> therapy –> divorce.

      1. My cleaning lady cleans so much better than I do that even if I was working 1/4 time I’d still pay her to clean things instead of doing it myself. She’s like the last thing I’d cut before essentials.

    5. Totally reasonable to have a talk about this. I’m not quite on the side of “He’s a jerk.” because sometimes I think there can be valid reasons he’s acting like this. Could he be depressed/stressed about his job situation? Maybe that is making him extra lethargic and unlikely to help. I think the important thing is whether he recognizes that he SHOULD be helping. If not, you have a problem.

    6. Let me take a step back from some of the other comments and as a sole-practitioner who doesn’t make anywhere close to half of a BigLaw salary, but does work 40 hours a week, question labelling him as a Stay at Home Spouse – is he no longer running his own practice? My hours are flexible, to be sure, and I chose this path in order to facilitate family/work balance in my life, but I am nowhere close to a SAHM (in fact, in my family at less than half of biglaw I am still bringing in more than half of our income). I am in my third trimester for my first child, and when I return from maternity leave we will need full-time daycare. My spouse works hours similar to biglaw right now as he tries to get a new business up and running, so we’ve hired a lawn service. We don’t have a cleaning person, but if we could swing it financially you bet we would have one, and neither of us are at all lazy or unmotivated. I think some clarification as to actual hours worked, which does not necessarily translate to income brought in, might help here. I apologize if this sounds defensive, but these responses make it sound like he is home all day twiddling his thumbs.

    7. There are clearly larger issues here, but as a start: can you find cheaper childcare so that you’re not actually losing money by having your husband work? I know in our area there are preschools that also do afternoon care, with the afternoon care being on an as-needed basis. You could put your kid in preschool in the mornings, and then only pay for afternoon care when it’s actually required. I’m sure there are other options that would also be cheaper. Daycare is less convenient than a nanny, but if your husband is mostly not working, he can presumably at least manage drop-offs/pickups. And by toddler stage, most kids I’ve known are just as happy in a good daycare as with a one-on-one care situation.

      FWIW, if you just want a gut-check, this would drive me batty. And I could see it happening to my husband, who is GREAT at the technical skills of his job but not so great at networking/self-promotion, so I don’t necessarily think this a fatal flaw in your husband or anything. But he needs to realize that he is not doing what is required to succeed in his business. If he can’t start, he needs to seek out a different role. That could be a SAHP (who actually does the damn childcare) or it could be looking for a new job within a larger organization.

      1. OP will potentially lose a lot more money if she has her H stop working and they divorce.

    8. Im surprised by the “he is not even a stay at home dad!” comments. This year he made 40k, other years he made more than that but not over 80k. That is still nothing to sneeze at. The guy isn’t piddling around making 10k for the year. He is still obviously doing work if he is able to make 40k. Are you guys really so jaded that making 40k is “nothing”

    9. I read through all the comments, and in an effort to be helpful, I’d like to suggest something. Have you talked about him applying for law firm/company/government positions now? He was laid off and just need to do something to get by, so being a solo is fantastic. But, if client generation is not his strength, he can start looking around. People will be impressed by his skill level and ability to handle matters on his own. After 5 years in the doldrums, I am seeing an uptick in hiring in my area. Also, working from home is not for everyone – I personally need some adult conversation and an ability to walk to a starbucks.

  11. Thanks for the recs! I went ahead and ordered a Timex Ironman in my favorite turquoise color…for $30 it wasn’t difficult to pull the trigger.

    Kind of intrigued by the g-shock, which I might go for if the Ironman breaks anytime soon.

      1. Perfect! :) The price point is good so I won’t feel bad if I lose it in the ocean somewhere.

    2. They last forever! You may have to replace the batteries, but the watch itself will likely run for years.

  12. Great, I just got outed by my male associate neighbor who came in my office and asked if I was pregnant. (Well, if “I had any news to share.”) Apparently, the secretaries have been speculating. Don’t you love gossipy secretaries? I haven’t told anyone yet. Guess I better tell my main partner ASAP.

    1. I’m 9 weeks and I’m pretty sure there is speculation . But, I don’t care if they all think they know, I need my test results back first. It’s your news to control and share.

      1. I agree with you. I just don’t like that there’s speculation, but what can you do. I’m also ultra paranoid so I wish I didn’t have to say anything until afer the 18/19 week anatomy scan, but by (before) that point it is super obvious.

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