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Anon
I used to play tennis and have always wanted to get back into it. I am giving myself lessons at a resort I will be visiting for a conference + a long weekend, so I am very excited. I can play fine, I’m just very rusty and out of shape. I have a fashion question: where can I get a classic white pleated tennis skirt with built-in undershorts that have good to-entry ball pockets (the bottom entry ones drive me nuts). The undershorts need to not roll up, but don’t need excessive grippies on them.
I’m a size M, somewhat pear-shaped. A cute polo would be nice (vs shirts with words). My prior tennis skirts are COVID-15 away from fitting well and were somewhat B- purchases to begin with (see, supra, ball pocket gripes). I’m hoping that I will be regularly using any purchase — this will be the year I do something fun for me :)
Anon
Athleta or Old Navy. Have also noticed that TJ Maxx, Marshall’s and D*ick’s are packed with tennis outfits because it’s stylish right now.
nyc
Some of Tory Sports skirts and top down access ball pockets
Anon
Have any people tried Tuckernuck sport items (esp. tennis skirts and dresses)? Or Aerie?
Anon
I haven’t tried the tennis skirts or dresses, but I have two of the golf skirts and two tops. I really like all of them. I’m pear-shaped and the skirts are very flattering. The shorts have silicone trim on the inside, so they stay put better than any of my other athletic skirts or dresses.
Anne-on
I just bought a bunch at lululemon – the swirly skirt ones (the court rival) are my favorites but they’re all pretty flattering and I appreciate the ability to chose the 3 or 5 inch rise (I went longer). There are lots of colors in case you’d prefer options other than white.
Anon
Agree with this recommendation. I like my Lulu tennis skirts the best and they are also really cute.
anon
How does Torrid fit if you aren’t particularly busty and have narrower shoulders? I’m a 12 in tops, 14 in pants.
Anon
Straight sizes are different than plus sizes, so if you are a 12 in straight sizes it’s going to be too big.
Anonymous
Agreed. I am similar in size and have never found plus sizes in any brand to fit. I am pretty straight up and down and athletic in build but at the upper end of straight sizing and the W and + items are not cut for me.
A Nonny Mouse
Torrid goes down to a size 10, I believe.
anon
We went on vacation recently and my normal pet sitter, Monica, was not available. She referred me to her friend, Rachel. Monica pet sits for Rachel and vice versa. Rachel came to our house to meet the cats and I showed her everything that needed to be done. She did a great job while we were away and texted me updates.
When we got back, my husband was reviewing the outdoor security cam footage and noticed she brought another person with her on one of her visits. It looked like her husband. It was during the second visit of the day, so I assumed they were on their way somewhere and stopped by to check on the cats before leaving. It happened just the one time.
It didn’t really bother me, but my husband was annoyed and didn’t like that she brought someone we hadn’t met before. He wants me to text her and ask about it.
Would you be annoyed in this situation or not care?
Allie
What? No. You trusted her with your home and your cats — if she was partying that would be one thing but if a presumed family member runs and errand with her I cannot see how that would be a problem. Presumably you trust her judgement in spouses if you trust her judgement in home and cat care.
Anon
+1
Saguaro
+1
Eager Beaver
+1
OP
+1
OOops
Oops not the OP here!
Anon
Your husband is being weird and paranoid. She’s not a college student, and it’s not weird at all for her husband to be there. It would be weird if they were making out on camera or something but if you text her about it I’d forget about having either one of them pet sit for you again. I’d also want to be told beforehand if I were the pet sitter that you have cameras and would consider it a violation if you didn’t fyi me. People adjust wedgies/do other stuff that’s not terrible but wouldn’t do if knew were on camera.
Anon
These are adults? I’d feel weirder if it were a kid using my house to meet with a BF on the sly. Everything else I lump into a “were these people robbing me or going through my tax returns” triage of caring or not. I can rationalize grownups going to a thing and stopping by en route to tend to your cats and letting the unexpected adult slide.
Cat
wouldn’t care, unless they were in there a …. suspiciously long time.
raise the issue at the risk of not being able to use either Monica or Rachel in the future.
Anon
Agreed.
Anon
If she did a good job and seemed to have good judgment, I would not care. This is the type of thing I’m sure pet sitters have done forever but we just now know about it with Ring cameras and whatnot.
Also good pet sitters can be hard to come by, so I’d err on the side of not irritating her by texting when nothing bad happened and this was presumably another responsible adult who seems to have not disrupted anything.
NYCer
+1. This would be a non-issue for me. And agree that texting her might irritate her enough that she never wants to pet sit for you again.
Anon
+1 pet sitters have done this for years, but we only recently started having this much surveillance to know about it.
I’m team this is nbd (and maybe even normal) and it doesn’t bother me at all, so I’d let it slide.
Anonymous
Er, no this is legit crazy pants. I might be annoyed if my pet sitter brought small children who could hurt my senior pet, but a grown adult? Totally okay.
Janey
I think it’s reasonable to be annoyed in this situation. You met her and someone you trusted vouched for her; you don’t know who this guy is. If Rachel herself were a close friend, and she brought her SO with her, that would be one thing, but Rachel is a relative stranger, herself. Also, you’re paying her for a professional service; it is not professional to bring family members with you to work. If she and her husband were on their way somewhere, he could have waited in the car. He did not need to enter your home.
That said, I wouldn’t say anything. Just let this inform your judgment of whether you want to hire Rachel again next time.
anon
I agree with all of this. It may not be rational, but I also would be a little irritated at having someone else in the house who I had not vetted, hired, etc. I might feel differently if I knew Rachel well but it’s kind of a bold move for the first time someone is pet sitting for you.
Anon
Just about every cable guy/plumber/handyman/water main inspector/realtor who comes into my house is not someone I’ve hired or vetted (the company yes, the individual no). As a renter, I’m usually not home when these people are in and out of my apartment, so I guess I’m more or less used to having people in my house I haven’t vetted.
Janey
Right but in those cases you’ve given the person you haven’t vetted permission to be there, and you’re aware that they’re going to be there. OP was neither informed, let alone asked permission, for this unvetted unknown person to enter her home. It’s a pretty different situation.
anon
I wouldn’t per se consider it unprofessional for other family members to come, especially for single person operations. Our pet sitter was up front about the fact that occasionally other family members would be with her, especially, when she squeezes in last minute visits on weekends or holidays (e.g., I’m pretty booked up but you live close to where my kids soccer game will be on Saturday). Likewise, our cleaning ladies have brought their older, but not old enough to be alone, children with them when there have been child care issues. But, on the flip side, in each case everyone was upfront about it for the get go. Maybe next time, ask before hand so there are no surprises.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t care. If she was watching my kid, absolutely not. My cat? Whatever.
Anon
Whether or not you are annoyed or have a right to be, it’s best to not get into it with someone absent a specific “ask.” What do you want her to do and is it realistic?
I would compliment sandwich: thank her for doing such a great job, mention that your husband saw someone else on the Ring, and ask that if she brings over a helper, that she shoot you a text to let you know. Thank her again and say that you will also be telling Monica that she did a great job.
OP
That’s pretty much what I did. And I posted an update below. Even before this, I was going to thank Monica for the referral.
Anon
This is partially why I use boarding. I know my local dog boarder also boards cats. If this bothers your husband enough, I would put the responsibility back on him to coordinate finding a facility that’ll board the cats next time it’s needed. I also would not text her as to avoid bad impression with her and your other pet sitter.
Anon
I don’t love the idea of a stranger in my house, but I wouldn’t mention it either. To me it almost seems like a sign of innocence that it didn’t occur to her that this could look sketchy to someone or bother them.
Anon
+1
I’ve definitely brought someone along when I was pet sitting back in college and it never would have occurred to me that it would look bad!
Anon
I don’t know if I’m laid back or if I just assume the best in everyone (I’m a crime analyst so I shouldn’t), but this wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. Especially if she was stopping by on her way to something else, and especially since she was responsive and did a good job cat sitting. Reliable pet sitters are hard to find, so id keep my options with both Rachel and Monica open!
As long as she’s professional and responsible (which I’d assume she is if you hired her), I would trust her judgement of who she brings into your house for a quick visit.
anon
You are being ridiculous. This woman didn’t bring five friends over and have a party at your house. Her spouse happened to be with her when she came to look in on the pets. It’s possible they have one car and her coming alone would have meant multiple trips back and forth while they were trying to get other things done. It’s possible it was evening and she felt safer entering your house in the dark with her husband.
Anon
+1
OP
I had no problem with what happened. I think my husband is being ridiculous.
OP
I did text and made it clear I was asking on behalf of my husband. She had brought her husband to show him around because she thought she had a doctor’s appointment the next day and would need him to check on the cats. Turns out she had they days mixed up and the appointment wasn’t until next week. She apologized in the text and was nice about it.
Mt husband was paranoid that this guy was “standing around staring at my stuff”. Seriously? We have a nice TV and sound system, but that’s not something you can take out of the house easily. He also collects some different types of liquor, some of which are rare and expensive. They are on display on a shelf, but a regular person wouldn’t know that.
Anyway, I texted her back and was as friendly as possible and thanked her for taking care of the house and cats while we were gone. If we need to use her again and she agrees to.it, I will pay her extra.
ELS
Empathy and solidarity on this. My partner is much more sensitive about having contractors, cleaning folks, or cat-sitters in our space than I am, and he’s definitely more paranoid about “who is this person who came with the contractor/sitter?” than I am.
OP
Thank you. It helps knowing someone else has experience with a more sensitive partner.
Explorette
I suspect this is one instance of your husband’s larger paranoia/anxiety problems. No one cares that much about your stuff.
OP
We exchanged a couple more texts. Rachel thought when Monica referred her that she mentioned that Rachel and her husband pet sit together. Rachel apologized again for the mixup and said she would keep us updated if she sits for us again.
I thanked Rachel again and offered to refer her services to others.
Anon
Your husband sounds weird, sorry to say. A stranger in the house is concerning, but a recommended cat sitter’s husband doesn’t really qualify as a stranger. You know their contact information and presumably have people in common, at least Monica.
Anon
Agreed
Anon
As a collector of rare bourbons (on the second market, what’s in our place is worth… maybe seven grand), I understand his paranoia. “Normal people” may know quite well of which bourbon are expensive and rare, and which ones are not. A normal person may feel no compunction about pouring himself a taste of whatever is out, completely unaware that the pour would set him back $60 to $100 in a bar.
Anon
But why would you assume a cat sitter’s husband would pour himself a drink? That would be totally out of line, and if he’s so hung up on his alcohol, consider that Rachel could have poured herself a drink too. If he cares so much he should lock it up when a cat sitter will be coming (even though I can’t imagine a pet sitter would be drinking the homeowner’s booze under any circumstances).
Anon
Because a pet sitter known for hitting the liquor cabinet would quickly lose her business. Because she’s probably licensed and bonded and would be neither if nailed by a customer for swiping expensive stuff.
Because people can be weird.
Because depending on how much you have (collectors can have dozens if not hundreds of bottles), it can be a huge PITA to “lock it up,” and the **entire point** of having a vetted sitter is you don’t need to lock it up.
The vibe I’m getting here is that collectible alcohol isn’t something you are into (that’s fine); however, because you personally don’t value it, you’re going to diss her husband for valuing it. That’s not fine. This stuff is expensive (even at retail – I dropped $300 this month on a 17 year bourbon), hard to find, and like any other expensive and hard to replace item, is something to worry about.
Tl;dr “I don’t want people who I don’t know around my expensive stuff” isn’t irrational… even if you personally do not care.
OP
My husband is a rum collector. It’s not as popular as bourbon, so I don’t expect a layperson to know which ones are the fancy, expensive brands. We have a lot more liquor than the average person. I guess my husband is paranoid about someone just walking off with a bottle? You can’t just sell liquor at the pawn shop. I don’t know. He is kind of uptight about a lot.of things in life, but that’s a conversation with a therapist.
Anon
You can sell rare alcohol on the secondary market pretty easily. Whether or not it is legal depends on your state and the buyer; FWIW, there is a place at my local mall that buys collectible liquors.
Anonymous
What? You spend thousands of dollars on bourbon and then have paranoia about someone unworthy helping themself to a drink? What an uncomfortable way to live.
Anon
You are the only one here who said or thinks “unworthy.”
How would you feel about someone borrowing your expensive jewelry without permission, even if they returned it? “You spend thousands of dollars on expensive jewelry and then worry about someone unworthy wearing it to an event when you are out of the country. What an uncomfortable way to live.”
Anonymous
I spend 0% of my time worrying about someone I hire or someone they bring into my home borrowing my jewelry. I would spend less worrying about them taking a bottle of wine or having a drink, esp. if I regularly bought very pricey stuff. If they actually did take something of value, I might think about it then.
Anon
Just want to express my personal annoyance that your paranoid husband made you text Rachel about this when you clearly didn’t think it was a big deal. You could have shared her number and he could have texted her himself instead of putting you in that position. (However, if he had contacted her, I bet she would never pet sit for you guys again.)
Anon
I noticed that and was annoyed by it too. If husband has a problem with the cat sitter’s actions, husband should be the one texting the cat sitter about it.
OP
Thank you for saying this. I preferred to be the arbiter in the situation because he can come across like a jerk sometimes. I know there are deeper issues in the marriage and this is just a symptom. I was just curious about how others would feel in this situation.
Anon
Agree. Husband sounds like a giant pain in the ass all around. Rachel and her husband are not the assholes. OP’s husband is the asshole. OP wasn’t an asshole until she sent that text.
Anon
Yes this. I wouldn’t risk annoying Rachel and losing her as my pet sitter because my husband is paranoid. If he’s so worked up, he can be the bad guy and text her.
Anon
If your husband was so concerned why couldn’t he handle it?
Anon
Yeah you can say no to this kind of request from your spouse. You don’t need to aid and abet their paranoia.
Anonymous
Why? Next time your paranoid husband wants to make drama, you can refuse to help him do that.
Anon
I think your husbands reaction is really odd. The pet sitter is really as much of a stranger as the person they brought over.
OP
I agree. His initial reaction was over the top in my opinion. For some reason, he immediately disliked.this guy from the brief glimpse he got. I don’t get it, but I feel like it hints at some deeper insecurity.
Anon
I’d probably have my husband wait in the car, but on the other hand, husband may have security concerns for his Rachel going into strangers home. Or she felt uneasy that one time. Or wanted an additional hand. Who knows. I wouldn’t do anything. Seems innocent enough for me.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t give it a second thought. I’ve used pet sitters and don’t have a problem if someone comes with them. I’m trusting them to take care of my pets, I don’t think 2 of them are more likely to steal from me than just 1. I think people who like pets are genuinely good people too.
SF Attorney
Not an issue. Now, if they had spent the night, that would be another matter. I found out that a new pet sitter I used (local boutique pet food store employee) spent the night at our place because he thought my cat needed it. Huh?
Anonymous
I’m a similar shape to the model in todays photo but more broad shouldered. I need something to wear for dinner and drinks for my cousins birthday, she’s early 20s and I’m mid 30s. The closet relation (other side of family) to my age is a personal trainer and always looks really put together in something simple and I end up feeling super frumpy. I haven’t lost the covid 15 so don’t feel at my best. I got a wrap dress at the start of the summer to have something that fit well ready for when I needed it and something about the midi length and long sleeves now feels quite……matronly? Heels would help but my feet just can’t do it anymore. If it was winter I’d just wear good boots, jeans, leather jacket and a slinky top and feel fine. I prefer wearing a third piece but struggle for summer evenings that are a bit smarter.
Anon
No advice but I’ve always had as #goals to be that trainer relative: looking smashing in a few simple basics. And it is so elusive to pull off!
Anon
Ugh, same. One day, maybe!
Cat
Wh-te jeans, a cute cami-style top (maybe one of the Nap Dress type tops would work for you? It’s the same smocking and fluttery shoulder, without the big skirt or giant poufball Diana Wedding Dress sleeves), tan slides.
You could use a regular jean jacket as the third piece if you need one.
anon
My advice – Go to drybar and get your hair done before. It will make you feel a million times better and generally cute hair goes a long way on the put together front. Then, where something simple – jeans + white t-shirt, black summer dress, etc plus a pair of fun sandals.
Anon
You are on to something here.
Anonymous
OP here- I’m clearly overthinking it as this was going to be part my plan then I felt like it would seem like I’d made to much effort!
ELS
In the same boat re: covid 15, also mid-30s. What about a smocked summer dress with a flutter sleeve? I was able to find a few at Old Navy for similar summer purposes. They’re midi, but aren’t tent-like on me (I’m a pear) and help define my waist and chest so that I don’t feel like I’m wearing something oversized (nothing wrong with oversized – it just doesn’t work for me). If midi is a total no-go, there are also good options at places like Kohls that are knee-length that may work well.
I also like to have a third piece/something to wear on top, and often pair mine with a jean jacket (regular or white) for a summer evening out if I think I’ll be chilly, or sometimes a coordinating cardigan. Add in a fun sandal, and I usually feel just fine around my friends who seem to look good in everything.
Anon
I am about the model’s shape too. I’d wear dark wash jeans, a linen tank and a third piece of some sort that is appropriate for the weather where you are. I’m in the Bay Area so I can wear most jackets in the evenings, but if you’re someplace hot, I would like a big linen shirt worn open over the tank. I like to have my arms covered and I’m not into getting sunburned so that would be my choice.
ALT
What about a jumpsuit? Maybe one that has a wrap/faux wrap top half and then straight legs? A tailored jumpsuit, big earrings, bright lipstick and flat shoes is a go to smart outfit for me.
Madrid
Hi all- just wanted to report back on my question about finding a hotel that is more like an Airbnb without actually…being an Airbnb. The advice to search for aparthotels was perfect – lovely guaranteed terrace and small kitchen! (We are not ‘luxury’ travelers and prefer properties that let us be fairly self-sufficient rather than having to go out for every meal, etc.) So, thanks!
Planning question. Half the reason we travel is the food. Does anyone have unique or “elevated” suggestions for nice meals? We’ll be doing plenty of tapas, but when abroad often enjoy a special lunch or dinner… equivalent in Paris was having 3-hour lunches at Frenchie and Septime. Any suggestions for a similar experience in Madrid? (Madrid isn’t as popular with the 30-40 something blogger crowd that I can usually cross-check for the latest great thing!)
Madrid
lol I realize my first and second paragraphs sound completely inconsistent. “Not go out for every meal” should be read as “we both hate going out for breakfast or having to wait more than 10 seconds for morning coffee, and like having wine and snacks ready to go for after we return from sightseeing.”
Anon
Yeah I was kind of confused by that as a will-travel-for-food person! Your apartment set-up in Madrid sounds great, but fwiw most hotels in Europe have a breakfast buffet, so you don’t really have to wait for food or coffee. In Covid times, it’s often possible to get it delivered to your room at no extra charge. And you can bring wine and snacks back to a normal hotel room too :)
Madrid
ha, yes – we traveled in Europe at regular hotels before Airbnb got big, and then got addicted to the “try to act like a temporary local” vibe of Airbnb – like being able to do some light grocery shopping for ourselves, etc.
But, seeing how Airbnb affects neighborhoods and housing, we are glad to find an alternative that lets us keep some of those benefits :)
anon
I’ve posted here before about some frustrations I’ve been having with my friend group around making and breaking plans. After a lot of soul searching, I think I need to pull back a bit. Maybe not from the friendships, but definitely from the group activities that fall through more often than not. If someone else wants to organize a hangout, I’m in. If an impromptu thing happens, I’m in. I’ll do something one-on-one with people. But I’m done being the group organizer. Or if not the organizer, the one who tries to encourage an actual plan, which has become a thankless, exhausting role that I don’t want anymore. This may not be a permanent change, but it’s how I’m planning to approach the next few months for my own sanity’s sake. When I commit to something, I’m all in. I have made it a priority above other compelling priorities in my life and have moved around other parts of my life to make it happen. The continually breaking or changing plans for flimsy reasons (IMHO) is not ever going to feel anything other than rude to me. I have this underlying fear of being seen as rigid or un-fun, and maybe I am, but I’m going to own that.
Mid-life friendships and relationships are hard, ya’ll. I love these people and I don’t believe they mean to hurt me, but they have. Gotta set my own boundaries for what I’m willing to do.
Anon
Good move! I think this was the consensus here for your best approach. It’s not easy to change a pattern, but I think this will serve you well. Maybe try and make a few plans that don’t involve this group for things you like to do solo so that you will still have some scheduled events that appeal.
lifer
Yup, this is what I did. It is sad, in many ways, because we used to love these big get togethers. But the stress, the time-suck, and even the $$ cost to me that never really worked out in the end really hurt.
Funny thing…. about 15 years later a couple of the friends tried to re-organize one of our gatherings. It has fallen through every year for years. And I just sit back, let them hint to me they’d love help organizing, but I let all the hints fall on deaf ears. I love them, miss them, but I’m done.
Anonymous
Thank you. Your post helped me so much because I saw myself unflatteringly reflected as the cancelling party.
As an example, one friend in our group always says things like ” Wouldn’t it be great to go to the X winery sometime” We say “Sound great!” in a social kind of way. Who doesn’t like wineries right? Next thing you know she says “It’s on for Friday night!”. When actually up against it, there are other things to do, my kids need driving around, or we are just too tired and back out.
I resolve to be much more honest in my replies. I realize I am not agreeing a theoretical but a future action. I would feel terrible to lose this friend.
Anonymous
Am having challenges with one of my staff. Much older woman, longer at the place 10+ yrs. She’s calmed herself/ better control lately but the veneer is thin and she’s been quite rude and pushing back when I assign her work. Recommendations to cope/resolve/manage are appreciated.
Anon
Is this recent behavior? Has something changed?
Anonymous
Recent. She’s been “good for the past months.
Been There
Counsel her and have her sign/acknowledge understanding of the conversation, including specifics as to your expectations. The more positive spin you can put on this, the better. Also, document all instances of push back, in the event this progresses to the point you terminate her. If she has something going on, you can’t force her to open up, but if she does, promise not to share her personal business. Ultimately, though, it may not be something you can fix, and you have to decide if she brings enough value to your organization to weigh against termination.
Anon
I’d schedule a big picture meeting with her about her current work load noting to her that she seems stressed when you assign her work. I’d want to make sure I have a clear picture of her work load/hours, that they’re manageable, she’s not doing other work things that I’m not aware of etc. If we’re both in agreement that her current workload is manageable the next time she’s rude about being assigned work I’d call it out then and there “this is what I meant when I said you seemed stressed when I assign work”. If it continues I’d have another big picture talk with her and be blunter- “I need you to stop pushing back on assignments if your workload is manageable.”
If the problem is that her workload isn’t manageable, then you need to figure out why not/how to fix it etc.
MagicUnicorn
+1
OP, make sure you don’t act under the assumption that she is being intentionally rude without checking whether there is something else you should address instead. If another stakeholder has loaded her down without your knowledge or she has a peer who has dropped the ball and she thinks you are ignoring it, those types of situations require a different approach.
Or maybe she has stuff going on outside of work and does not realize how much it is bleeding in to her professional life.
Anon
Random question: how do you know if your pet would do well with another pet? Have a dog, considering a cat. Cats are at a cat cafe and available to be adopted. We can meet the cat, but the dog can’t. Dog was fostered with a cat and another dog before we got him, but that is now over a year ago.
Also: does anyone have a dog that refuses to go up stairs? We have a 2-story house and the upstairs is dog-free. Would assume if the dog isn’t BFFs with the cat, 1) the cat would set him straight in no time and also 2) the cat would own the upstairs in any event.
OOops
I have dogs and cats, as do my parents and they were all introduced over time to each other (none came as pairs or knowing each other). After the adjustment period, if they don’t get along, yes, the cat will do just that – isolate upstairs and periodically taunt the dog.
Anon
Is your dog aggressive toward cats or other small animals (rabbits, squirrels, etc.) when you walk him? If so, that would be a red flag. If not, there are no guarantees, but a history of being around cats and a cat free upstairs makes it seem likely that this would work.
Anon
Dog has no interest in squirrels or chipmunks. Tries to chase bunnies. Leaves cicadas alone.
Anon
I think some chasing is normal, it’s the dogs that clearly see anything smaller as prey that I’d be most concerned about.
Anon
Oops, I meant dog free upstairs. Though I wouldn’t be surprised if the dog starts to go upstairs once it sees the cat go upstairs. Either way, I’d make sure the cat has some safe spaces where the dog can’t go (up high, under things).
Anne-on
We have both a cat and a dog (cat predated the dog) and use baby gates to keep them seperated. The cat can get under/over the gate but the dog cannot. The dog and cat are fine together (not besties, but they tolerate each other). The gate at the top of the stairs keeps the dog from snarfling down the cat’s food and hunting in the litter box. The dog is a black hole where food is concerned and will absolutely try to sneak upstairs to get at the sweet, sweet all you can eat dry cat food buffet if we leave the gate open.
Also if you have not had a cat before prepare yourself to learn all the insane hiding spots you did not think a 10-lb creature could fit in. I wasn’t aware of just how true the ‘cats are liquid’ meme is until I got my first.
ELS
I have introduced a dog to cats without much knowledge as to whether she would be good with cats. I was lucky that I had a friend with two cats who let me visit with my dog a few times before I adopted my cat. Is this an option? My dog had also been fostered with cats, and she was great with my friend’s cats, and we have had no problems.
I’d also suggest asking of the cat you’re considering has ever lived with dogs. My experience has been that even if the dog is friendly with (or disinterested in) cats, some cats are dog-aggressive, or just too scared to happily co-exist with a canine friend.
anon
Could you try fostering for a shelter to see how the dog does?
Anon
You won’t really know in advance, but in my experience, time and patience will make it doable in most cases. I introduced a medium size dog w high chase drive to my two spoiled adult cats, and there were plenty of spitting, hissing and some chasing during the first months, but eventually they all started to get along great. It’ll be worth it when they all snuggle up together. Dogs can kill cats (I’d be especially concerned with huskies), and cats can injure dogs severely, so introduce slow and safe – but you already know that!
anon
What breed/breeds is your dog and how well trained his he? Breeds with a strong prey drive or herding instinct may be more difficult for a cat, assuming your dog exhibits those behaviors. How responsive is your dog to commands and learning boundaries? Can he settle? Does he know place? Will he “leave it”? Will he be responsive to you and accept the cat’s cues as you introduce them? Is he curious and friendly, or does he mostly want to be left alone? If he mostly wants to be left alone, what is he like when someone/something gets in his space? Curious and friendly can be fine, so long as curious and friendly doesn’t extend to badgering the cat to play past its comfort zone. IME, most dog/cat combos eventually learn how to coexist more or less peacefully. Seems that the biggest areas of potential danger are the initial periods where they’re getting used to each other, and situations where the dog has a high prey drive. Having a dog free zone will probably be really helpful for the cat as he will have a safe space if he needs it. That’ll also give your dog a cat free zone if he needs it.
Anon
So funny. I also have that dog that will not go up the stairs. As far as he’s concerned, that’s a wall.
We had two cats for 10 years before we got the dog last year. One of the cats would only come downstairs while the dog was outside or sleeping, and was pretty smart about figuring that out. The other retreated to the back of my closet and stayed there for close to a week. We had to put a litter box and water upstairs but refused to feed him up there, so he eventually figured out that the dog is asleep from about 7pm to 7am and he would just come down and eat then.
Now it’s about a year and a half later and the dog and the cats are not friends but they tolerate each other. My emo cat who lived in a closet for a month is surprisingly less afraid of the dog and almost seems to taunt him. The dog is now afraid of emo cat and emo cat will sit right in front of the dog’s water bowl, preventing the dog from coming over to drink, apparently just for kicks.
Things to consider – keeping the dog away from the litter box and the cat food. You may be willing to keep that stuff upstairs but we weren’t – we wanted it all in the kitchen or proximate to the kitchen. So now the cat food is in the pantry behind a baby gate – we took out one of the rails of the baby gate so the cats could fit though (my boys are chonky) but not the dog. We got lucky and the dog is utterly uninterested in the litter box, which wasn’t the case with my last dog so it’s a know your dog kind of thing.
Enjoy your new kitty! Presumably your bedrooms are upstairs so now you get to pet a kitty when you’re reading in bed or whatever, which is great. One of my two cats would prefer to live his entire life in someone’s lap and it’s so sweet.
Dubrovnik Sushi??
Really specific travel question – does anyone have recommendations for a sushi (or sushi inspired) dinner in Dubrovnik? Going to be there on my birthday and love sushi, so looking for a good spot. I know its not exactly local cuisine but its my favorite…! (I also like seafood of the non-sushi variety, so if anyone has alternative suggestions, would love to hear them — traveling with my boyfriend and we love a good patio situation). Thanks all!
anon
Yeah, wouldn’t advise. You’re going to be far better off with local seafood than Sushi, even if you love it.
Anon
I just asked my husband who was there last year and he said he didn’t see any sushi places.
Anonymous
Oh hard no. Do not eat sushi in Dubrovnik. Go to Restaurant 360.
NYCer
I think true sushi restaurants are hard to come by in a lot of coastal European cities. I would personally stick with a local seafood restaurant in Dubrovnik.
Go to a splurge omakase dinner in your home city when you get back.
Anon
Agree with others that outside of Asia, sushi is not as ubiquitous as it is in the US.
The history of sushi as a common cuisine in the US is actually an interesting story. It was done systematically and methodically by the Moonies!
https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2021/11/05/magazine/sushi-us.html
Anon
No way. I cannot wait to read this article.
Huggie earrings?
A while back, someone recommended a website that carried awesome huggie earrings in silver and gold at good prices. I cannot find the post. It was not Cuyana. Recommendations appreciated.
Anon
Quince? Maison Miru?
Huggie earrings?
Neither Quince nor Maison Miru, but thank you for the ideas. This was a site with 14k rather than plated or vermeil. I am hoping someone else sees this and posts.
Anon
Both of those places have solid 14k.
ChiAnon
Quince?
ChiAnon
A lot of 14k gold options:
https://www.onequince.com/women/jewelry?MATERIAL=14k+Gold
Anon
Has anyone had a brother, son, or spouse to to Philmont (big boy scout camp in New Mexico)? The website suggests that you need to be able to carry a 50-pound pack 10 miles (and it’s hilly there). I try never to carry more than 20 pounds (before food and water but including tent) in a 65L pack and try to do any distances as day hikes vs a series of 10-mile hikes. I know that Philmont is a super-huge deal, but I am feeling really like as an older office worker, this is not a realistic fitness goal for me (would want to go with my daughters who do scouting; right now, I can only think of one kid who could do this currently and a bunch think they will be in shape by next summer). My kids would have 2-3 years to gear up, but OMG maybe this is just a bridge too far. [Still: I should be in better shape heading into the menopause years.]
Anon
I think you need to find out whether those standards can be modified for women- the weight, not the terrain or distance. It’s clearly much harder for smaller people to handle packs that heavy, so the question is whether your group can still manage the necessary equipment with slightly lighter packs- this is easier if you have a mix of bigger and smaller people rather than only small people (I haven’t been to Philmont but had a lot of friends that went during high school).
Anon
Got it — we have a bunch of girls who are maybe 100 pounds, so that is a lot of pack on them. We have one kid who is a shot-putter who should be fine as a strong person who is also larger overall and does ROTC but the smaller kids . . . oof. They are with some experienced women who are in charge but I feel like I am new to figuring out how to prepare for this well (and as a person, tend to do things much better the second time I do them, which is no ideal for this sort of trip).
Anon
Yeah, the standard advice is that your pack should be 20% if your weight, which would be just 20 pounds for those girls. That might not be realistic for a long trip where you need to carry a lot of food and water, but I’m unsure how much flexibility there is and how much more than 20% is really manageable. I suspect they’d probably be okay with at least 30 lbs if they were well trained and in shape.
Anonymous
Does your troop have total control over the gear and pack weight, or does the camp provide some heavy gear that the troop has to tote? If you are bringing all your own gear and can limit weight, the camp’s requirements are really moot.
anon
Yep, this. There’s such a size component to it – not just gender (though that’s a huge component of size of course). Me, sitting at 160lbs, 5’10” – 50 lbs? Doesn’t sound fun, but could probably do that. Can’t see the same being true for my 5’0″ 105 lbs friend though…
Velma
If I had to guess, this is an old directive they’ve been carrying along in their materials since gear was much heavier (~1990s). Most scouts now are into untra-light and probably max out with 35-lb packs. I wonder how many liters of water they are assuming?
Honestly, I would just ignore this if you have your own gear and know what it weighs.
Anon
The bigger parts that give me pause about your comment is the fact that you try to do day hikes rather than long through hikes with a pack, and that Philmont would be more hilly than you’re used to.
My father and brother went. They went with a group of ~20 scouts (about half dads and half high school boys) in early 00s. The dads were overwhelmingly office workers with maybe 1-2 contractors mixed in, all in their mid 40s to mid 50s. That said, they also went on similarly challenging backpacking trips monthly year round in the White Mountains and Appalachian Trail in New England. I doubt the adult packs were truly up to 50 pounds but probably close, probably mid 20s for most of the boys. I used to go on some of the other monthly trips or test backpacking trips our family did to scout out locations, and the adults were pretty strict about how much weight kids in particular carried. If you’re used to multi-day backpacking trips with long days of hiking 10+ miles, I wouldn’t worry about the weight requirements. If you can’t imagine getting to a place where you’re doing multiple days in a row of 8-15 miles with your full pack, Philmont probably isn’t for you, especially if that’s more mountainous than what you’re used to.
If it is for you though, please report back! Would love to hear about it!
Anon
I think I need to try to get ready. The past two years have been good at showing us that the planned leaders can have things go sideways (COVID, blown-out knee, family health issues, finances, etc.). I saw an emergency request last week for two adults to step in and hoped somebody would be able to help them out. I may never have to go. But I’ve done things since COVID so that trips wouldn’t cancel b/c lack of adult leaders that were never in my life plan. It does look like hills + significant weight do call for trekking poles (which I don’t use). I have some luxury of time at least. [I have done all of the classroom training, like wilderness first aid, at least, so I can keep that current.]
Anonymous
Trekking poles will definitely help. I use them for really any hike over about 4 miles that isn’t super flat because I have IT band issues and they make a big difference.
Anonymous
My spouse went there as a scout and worked there for a lot of summers. If your question is whether you really need to be able to carry a 50 lb pack 10 miles, I’m happy to ask him and report back later today.
Anonymous
Report: he says his pack was 60 lb. obviously this was now quite a long time ago (feels like recently since he worked there just a few weeks before we met but … that was over 15 years ago). I’m sure newer packs and equipment are lighter. The issue was you go in a group and all the equipment needs to be carried somehow by someone in the group. I think it’d be worth calling them and asking how they address it with groups comprised of smaller individuals- girls have gone for a long time but probably more of them now. I went on a group backpacking trip at age 15 and one girl who was probably 4’10” and 90 lb tipped over backwards from her pack so I definitely get it.
Anon
I have felt like that 90-pound girl when I slipped on ice with a giant backpack with school books in it and felt like a flipped-over roach. It didn’t take me until the spring thaw to right myself, but it was humbling.
Kristina
I don’t know anything about scouting, but I do live in New Mexico. The challenges of the terrain are not just that the area is hilly. It is the elevation. That area is around 6,000 feet above sea level, and then the mountains only go up from there.
Anonymous
+1. I did not realize this the first time I went to NM. That elevation is no joke if you aren’t used to it.
Anonymous
It will depend on the route you do. Both my brother and husband have done it. My husband did the major backpacking trip and you absolutely need to carry 50lbs on your back for 14 days in the wilderness. My brother did a 7 day trip that was not nearly as intense.
I am not sure what adjustments- if any- have been made for female scouts.
Anon
OP here: this is all very helpful! Thank you all so much for chiming in. Off to hike somewhere for lunch :)
Anon
My high school made all incoming freshmen go on a 5 day Outward Bound backpacking trip, I was just barely 5ft then and the pack was nearly as tall as I was! It was very challenging but doable.
anon
The Philmont guide online (2022 Guidebook to Adventure or something similar) repeatedly emphasizes that the pack should not exceed 25-30% of body weight. It also says your gear (before adding food and water) should be 20-25 lbs. So I don’t think 50 lb is expected.
Anonymous
How on earth are you going to carry food and water and gear if your pack starts out at 20-25 lbs? For my 95-lb 16-year-old 25% of body weight would be 20-lb pack + less than two quarts of water, which does not seem sufficient. She is pretty average-sized for her age and level of sportiness.
anon
That’s including all gear – everything except food and water. I have to assume your daughter is pretty short if she’s 95 lb at age 16 – I am 5’4 and 120 lb (and was the same height/weight at age 16) and generally carry just about 30 lb of gear when I backpack. I would imagine that if one is very small, then yes, backpacking in general is going to be tough unless strength to weight ratio is very high.
Given the length of these hikes, they’re going to be relying on purifying water as they go, I assume – no way to carry the amount of water you’d need for the treks that they do.
Jo April
Where are y’all getting nap earrings nowadays? Prefer 14K solid gold or titanium.
Anon
Maison Miru. I have sensitive ears and haven’t taken out my nap earrings (second hole) in 6 months. I gave the cheaper gold plated ones but they have solid gold too
joan wilder
Having learned about nap dresses from this s*te, can someone please explain what a nap earring is? I am picturing a smocked dress for the earlobe and I am sure that is not quite right….
Anon
Earrings with flat backs so they’re comfortable to sleep in (no posts digging into your head if sleeping on your side)
Anon
I just got my second piercing four weeks ago (asked this board a lot of questions about it beforehand, thanks for all the helpful advice) and my piercing studs are Maya. They have a flat back which the piercing shop swapped for a shorter version at 3 weeks. I really love them and that’s a good thing because technically im not supposed to take them out till December.
Anon
Favorite powder foundation…..go! Ideally something I can easily find at Target or Sephora.
Saguaro
I am loving the Bare Minerals powder. It is really light feeling (great for summer) but gives me great coverage. I have twice gotten compliments on my skin when I am wearing it.
Curious
I love that brand.
Greensleeves
If you’re looking for light coverage, try Loreal True Match Super Blendable Powder. It’s not technically foundation, but I use it that way and really like it. Even though the coverage is light it still evens out my skin tone. It’s my go to on days when I only want to bother with minimal makeup and when it’s hot and a heavier foundation feels like too much. And there’s a wide range of shades available.
anon
I love this stuff, too!
Anonymous
I like the L’Oreal Age Perfect Creamy Powder Foundation (applied with a big fluffy brush, not the sponge), or the Infallible 24 hour (also applied with a big fluffy brush).
Anon
Not at Target or Sephora, but I love MAC’s Mineralize Skinfinish Natural.
Anonymous
Soap and Glory One Heck of a Blot
Anon
Does anyone have any guidance about installing a water filter? We currently have an old Brita, but I’m getting sick of lugging it out and filling it up multiple times a day. How expensive would it be to get a filtration system installed? Any recommendations?
Anon8
We moved into a house with a Kinetico installed and I love it! No idea on installation cost since it was here, but the tech comes once per year to replace the filter and that is around $100. The tap is installed right next to the main kitchen faucet. Love having the filtered water not taking up space in the fridge!
anon
We have a whole house water filtration/softener system because our city water is horrible. We got it installed from a company called Rainsoft about 15 years ago, but I’m not sure if they are a national chain. Culligan is another name I know. You could check for recommendations on NextDoor.
Our system provides softened water and reverse osmosis drinking water. We have it set up so the RO water comes out of the fridge and a special tap installed at the sink.
Minnie Beebe
An under-sink system is relatively inexpensive, less than $500 for the system (depends on what system you get) plus installation. This can be a DIY process if you’re reasonably handy, but you know you best! Also, you do need some room for it below your kitchen sink, so take that into account.
If you’re looking at a full-house system, it’s probably in more of the $3000-5000 range all-in. They can take up considerable pace in your basement/whatever, so you’d need to figure out if that’s something you are able to accommodate.
I recently looked into this due to some concerns about lead in our water, and ended up just upgrading our Brita filters to the lead-removing kind. Plus we have a water filter in our fridge which removes lead, so decided not to do anything more. But if/when we renovate the basement I may have a whole-house system installed.
Anon
You can easily get a reverse osmosis filter and install it under your sink yourself with just basic tools (pliers and maybe a drill), or get a countertop filter that has a hug reservoir or connects via hose to the water supply under the sink.
If you’re talking a whole house filtration system, that’s a different ball of wax and you’ll need to call a special local company for that.
Anon
I have a small water tap installed next to the regular kitchen tap, with filtration under the sink, and LOVE it. Mine is Aquasana. You would need to drill a hole in the countertop though.
Anonymous
Whether you have to drill a hole depends on what holes are already there. When I installed my Aquasana, I replaced the old faucet with a pull-down at the same time and used the old sprayer hole for the Aquasana. You can also repurpose the hole for a built-in soap dispenser.
Anon
My MIL has a sadness to her and doesn’t sleep well ever. My DH says she is constantly worrying and stuck in the past because her husband has been unfaithful for over 20 years. She is a very soft person and was devastated when she first found out, but she has stayed with him due to their cultural/societal norms (more conservative).
I’ve only ever been cheated on once, but I remember being an absolute mess and having it keep me up at night for months. I’d assumed that she’d healed since it’s been so long, but spending more time with her and talking to DH makes it seem like there is still something weighing on her at all times.
Is it possible to have heartbreak last that long if you stay with the person that causes it? Or even just heartbreak around your life not materializing the way you wanted it to? I always thought either things change or your feelings about it do – it breaks my heart if she’s just constantly in that state of mourning and stress.
Anonymous
Uh if my dad cheated on my mom at all, let alone for 20 years I’d literally never speak to him again.
Anon
Is she oriented so that her marriage and family are her universe, or does she have a career, friends independent of her husband, etc.? I can imagine that if it is the former, it might be very difficult to heal.
OP
Yes, family and husband are her universe. She doesn’t have many friends, and none she can be open with. Because he’s a public figure, being his wife is her full-time job. (I.e., lots of entertaining people at their house, constantly playing host).
I hadn’t thought about that aspect of it – makes it even more heartbreaking.
Anon
I feel for your MIL. You cannot understand how toxic that culture is until you live in it. (One of my conditions for remaining married is that we move. I live in such an area and it is destroying me.)
Women are explicitly told that their worth is tied up in their status as wives and mothers, that they aren’t worth anything else otherwise, that they are mentally ill if they want to leave, and if they justify why they want to leave, they are “airing dirty laundry in public.” It breaks people.
Seventh Sister
My maternal grandmother was widowed in her 50s and I don’t think she ever recovered from the heartbreak. She was a mean, sad, scared little old lady who died in her 90s. By all accounts, my maternal grandfather was a sweet man who adored her and his daughters. She wasn’t of the social class that went to therapy in the 1970s (when he died) and as far as I know, only took SSRIs when she was in a nursing home towards the end of her life.