Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Herringbone Shetland Wool Blazer

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I think I need to add a mustard yellow blazer to my fall wardrobe. This wool herringbone blazer is a classic style in a gorgeous color. It would look amazing with jeans and a white blouse in a casual office. For a business casual look, I would go with a navy-and-white printed blouse and a pair of navy pants. If mustard yellow isn’t your style, Talbots carries the same blazer in a bunch of different colors. The blazer is $179 and comes in misses sizes 2–18, petite sizes 0–16, plus sizes 14–24, and plus petite 14–22. Herringbone Shetland Wool Blazer A couple of more affordable options are from H&M (plus sizes) for $34.99 and Catherine Catherine Malandrino (straight sizes) for $36.97. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

320 Comments

  1. Hi Ladies, I wanted to find out of this is “normal.” Been married 25 years, no kids. Both hubby and I work full-time professional jobs, often require us both to travel. When the weekend comes, we are dead-tired. Friday evenings, since we’re already dressed and not at home, we’ll usually meet for dinner /drinks somewhere, then home. On Saturday I run errands, he piddles around the house/garage/lawn and then by Saturday afternoon we’re both exhausted. We’ll either get a quick/casual bite somewhere close but then we’re in front of the TV (with our dogs) watching a moive, Netflix, or something we DVRd. This is at least 3 Saturdays a month! Yes, we go out and get invited places, have tickets to a concert/show/exhibit – we’ll usually go although lament how we’d prefer to stay home on the couch (and after the even, we’re always glad we went). Does anyone else find themselves in a similar pattern? I’m thinking this is just normal, we’re both happy with this – on Saturday night is usually when we “garden.” TIA

    1. I don’t think whether it’s normal matters, only whether or not you’re both happy with it. I don’t think you’re alone though. My family travels an average of 1-2 weekends per month but when we’re not traveling we are big time homebodies. I go to the theater by myself sometimes but it’s probably been close to a decade since my husband and I went out to an event (other than dinner) together.

      1. I agree. I work so hard all week long that it is all I can do to go out anywhere special on weekends, which are often filled up anyway with family commitments; e.g., going out to see Mom and Dad or Grandma Trudy on LI, or Grandma Leyeh in Riverdale, or out with Myrna in the City or staying over with Rosa, Ed and the Kids in Chapaqua. The manageing partner often wants me to come to the Hamtons to keep Margie and her toddler company when we have events, or even when he stays in his apartement in the City over the weekend, and the manageing partner’s brother often knocks on my door late at night to try some new French shablee and cheeze he got from Agata and Valentino that he says is very expensive. I sometimes try it, but it is very caloric, and Dad does NOT want me to eat that late at night. And I don’t either as it I think it is left over from some woman who he had $ex with in his apartement, since the bottle is always 1/2 gone, and the cheeze has finger prints on it. So I too often prefer to just stay home when I can and watch TV for some alone time. YAY!!

      2. I agree, it’s really about whether you are happy with how things are. I’ve been married for ten years, no kids. We are fortunate in that we are financially able to outsource a lot of errands (groceries get delivered, we have a housecleaning service come every other week) so we don’t spend time on that stuff on the weekend. We also don’t have a house (by choice) so we don’t spend time on yard work, house projects, etc. So we do have more energy to go out during the weekends and we travel a lot. It just depends what you want and whether you’re happy.

      3. I agree as well. I was thinking about this last night, there’s absolutely no shame in going home after work, putting on your comfy clothes, and plopping down in front of the TV with a home cooked meal (or takeout, or leftovers!) for the evening. Whether you only do that sometimes or that’s your default evening, as long as you’re not bored, you’re fine! If you are bored, and wondering “is this all there is??” the answer is no, find fun stuff to do in the evenings and do it! Granted, that’s easy for me to say when I live in a city and there is just so. Much. Stuff. To do. All the time. I’m never bored. I imagine it’ll be less exciting if/when we buy a house and move to the suburbs, but we’ll still find fun stuff to do together.

    2. Sounds like us. Married 20 years, no kids. It sounds like you get out more than we do. Sometimes we’ll go out for dinner after work on Friday’s, but a lot of times we’ll just come home and get carry out. I love being at home, but my husband is more extroverted so he’ll go out to the local bar to meet friends or see a band on Friday or Saturday.. I’m happy to change into my PJs early and watch TV. Sounds totally normal to me and if you’re happy with it, then don’t change a thing!

    3. I don’t really think it’s abnormal and if you’re happy that’s fine, but I don’t see any mention of hobbies. I personally find hobbies much more fulfilling on the weekend than TV and they leave me feeling more energized than errands. How many errands do you have if you’re doing them most weekends?

      1. To add to my comment, the reason I say this is because I found myself in a pattern of staying home, sitting on the couch, and running errands every weekend and becoming extremely dissatisfied with my life. It felt like every weekend was just recovering from work and counting down the minutes to go back to work with dread. Even though I am an introvert, I have found that I can recover very well from the work week and have a much more enjoyable weekend by getting out there and going on a hike, riding horses, skiing, or going on a day trip or an overnight with my husband. Yes, on Friday night I’m often tired and hearing the siren song of the couch, but once it’s planned, I go and I have had so many cool experiences that way. It brought back that my weekends are for me. You have 52 Saturdays in a year – don’t spend 49 of them going to the store and post office as your main activities.

    4. That sounds a lot like my life! Married four years, no kids. I work full time, husband works part time. Saturday night is our standing date night to have dinner out. Otherwise we are pretty much homebodies. Partially it’s being tired; partially I think it’s just our personalities/hobbies – cooking, reading, home projects. And owning a home, there is always some project/problem to deal with. To some extent I think it also has to do with where we live, at least on my end. When we moved in together five years ago, I left the city and joined him in the suburbs. It feels like so much more work to get into the car and go somewhere, rather than just stepping out my door and walking into a busy neighborhood. I do want to make more of an effort to invite people over and entertain, because I worry about letting friendships and acquaintances languish.

      1. This is the exact reason we bought a home in the city. My hubs grew up in a tiny town where there wasn’t much to do whereas I grew up in a suburb 30 minutes outside of a major city so I knew, and had to convince him despite the increased housing cost, that we would become homebodies and never do anything if we had to drive 30 minutes for an activity other than bowling or chain restaurant dinner. It was very much worth it. We still are homebodies to a small extent but no longer have the excuse of traffic/long drive to keep us home.

    5. Married 20 years, two kids who are hs and college aged. We have busy weekend days usually so by Saturday night we are also exhausted. We tend not to cook Friday or Saturday nights so it’s delivery or going out. Then usually a movie or tv at home unless we have concert tickets. Sometimes when we have concert tickets or a rare party invitation, we wish we didn’t because we are pooped!

      One of our traditions is to start Friday night with a cocktail at home and then decide what to do for dinner. We have our favorite cocktails depending on the season, and know how to make each others’ (though my husband doesn’t want me messing around with his perfect manhattan in the winter) so other than the manhattan, whomever is home first on Friday night will get everything together for the cocktails. The sound of a cocktail shaker is positively Pavlovian for me – it means the weekend is here!

      The only real difference between what you’re saying and my experience is that my husband is in a couple of bar bands, and has a weekend gig once or twice a month. I go to about half of them, so that is a forced outing.

      So
      I don’t think you’re abnormal. I think you’re completely normal.

      1. Totally normal. I have a spouse with a 24/7 on-call job and that’s our life. Don’t sweat it.

    6. If you like staying at home, why not invite other couples over if you want to be social?

      1. I think it would become too unweildy with her having to be inviting her other freinds over on Saturday, b/c she already said she “gardens” with hubby on Saturday nite, and I, for one would not want any group gardening session with his freinds. FOOEY! But who knows what else might be more exciting for them, so I will NOT be judgemental in this new year, so I say, just go with the flow.

      2. This has been my best discovery. With kids, sports and errands, I felt like my weekends were consumed with commitments and not joy. We have made a habit of having late afternoon-early evening potlucks or small dinner parties on either Saturday or Sunday. It gives me something to look forward to….but at home.

    7. This sounds fantastic to me! You’re out and about every weekday, working hard and traveling. It’s completely normal to want to stay home for a couple days to rest and recharge. If you want to low-key get out or do something different, you could go on a walk/hike somewhere new with your dogs.

    8. Do you notice that you feel motivated and energized when you’re out and about, but sluggish specifically when you’re inside your home?

      If that’s the case, I’d suggest having your house examined by a professional. My colleague discovered a black mold infestation inside her kitchen walls, and her family’s fatigue and headaches were immediately improved by remediation. I personally felt a lot more alert at home after we had a basement radon mitigation system installed.

    9. I’m in my late 20’s, have been married for a year, and this is pretty much our routine too. A lot of times we’re too tired to even go out to dinner on Friday night and get takeout instead. We’re just so damn tired! I am not complaining.

  2. I’m considering buying the Blondo Villa Waterproof Bootie in Black Leather. They look like a good dupe for my dearly departed Sam Edelman Petty Bootie, which I wore to death and now is only in suede. Do you think this style is still sufficiently current? Have your Blondo boot/booties held up and truly been waterproof? I’ve read they can run narrow, is that true, and are the wide a better option?

    1. I’ve found they do run narrow. I normally wear a size 6 and tried the 6.5 but they were still a bit snug for me, especially with socks. If possible, try ordering several sizes from Zappos to see what works best. I loved the look of the Blondo boots I ordered, but ended up going with a pair from Rockport because they fit better.

    2. Blondos are definitely narrow on me, and I don’t have wide feet. I had to get a full size bigger. But I love my booties and they truly are waterproof.

      1. Or just get a wide shoe. I have Blondo’s in the W width and they feel great and leave just a little bit of room for thick socks.

    3. The villas are narrower than the valli style. I like that one better not only because of slightly more width but my heal doesn’t move around as much.

    4. I just ordered these (in mushroom nubuck) and do think they are current. I too was replacing the Sam Edelman Petty. I got my normal size, but my feet are not at all wide. I haven’t worn them yet so can’t speak to the waterproof from experience, but I asked about them here before I bought them– there were many comments attesting to them being truly waterproof.

    5. For those still looking to buy a pair, I was perusing Sierra Trading post the other day and saw a few options on there for a good price.

    6. They are totally waterproof and I love them. I’m between a 9 and a 9.5 and wear a 9.5 or a 10 in Blondos (slightly wide toe box)

    7. Villas look current to me, but multiple reviews of the heels peeling and chipping has me a bit gunshy. Any ‘rettes who own them, can you speak to their wear and tear?

    8. While I love the look and comfort of Blondo, I have purchased two booties over the years and never again – the quality is subpar for the price. For one pair, the sole pulled away and for the other pair, the zipper broke off. All within the same season! I have not purchased Blondo since.

      1. +1 Although I did purchase another pair on sale because they are comfortable and fit my casual workwear aesthetic perfectly. But I won’t pay full price for sure.

    9. Oh hey, I’m wearing these right now! I love them. I wear them frequently and they hold up well.

  3. Everything at Talbots is 25% off right now (ends tomorrow), so this blazer is $135.

    1. I ordered this at sale price in the green tweed with kind of a blue windowpane, and it is absolutely gorgeous and well-made. Unfortunately I’m shopping challenged and accidentally ordered the petite, so I’m waiting for the regular size to get to me. It fit fine, except tight through shoulders and arms, so I anticipate it will run true-to-size (once I get the correct size), and I’m going to get a ton of wear out of this if this heat wave ever ends …

  4. Have you ever offered to pay travel expenses for a friend to visit you?

    I have been extraordinarily fortunate financially, but I have young kids and so travel is difficult for me. A dear friend is a teacher and loves to travel. She has mentioned that she’d love to travel even more, but has to save up. I’d love to offer to pay her travel expenses if she ever wanted to visit me, but I don’t want to make things awkward.

    We visited each other before I had kids and I live in a town with some tourist appeal near a city with major tourist appeal (think: Princeton/NYC).

    Any advice appreciated.

    1. I think it’s too awkward, especially if she’s roughly the same age as you.
      I know this isn’t really the point but I can’t stand when people use young kids as a reason they can’t travel. Yes, it can a pain to travel with kids but it’s totally doable and if you really cared about seeing this friend you would find a way to visit her, even if it meant bringing your kids.

      1. Wow that’s extremely unnecessary!

        I don’t think there would be a problem saying “Katie I’d love to visit you but I just can’t with the kids. Anytime you want to come here please do- I’d love to pay for your ticket.@

      2. I travel frequently with my three kids under 7 but travel with young kids is not easy. Nap schedules, meals, illness make it a real challenge. I certainly wouldn’t travel often with young kids to see a friend if I wanted to spend quality time with the friend.

        OP – I think it sounds like a really generous and lovely idea. Is there a milestone birthday or other special occasion coming up? Maybe use that as the excuse to broach the idea? If you have the $$$ and she has the time (teachers have more time off especially in the summer) then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with combining those benefits that you each have. Like “I was going to suggest we plan a girls trip to celebrate your 40th/ our 15th anniversary of college graduation/whatever event but I just can’t make the time away to travel work right now. I did have a bit of a travel budget and would really love to catch up in person, since I can’t get away, would you be able to come visit/do you have any interest in coming to visit me for a long weekend if I treated?”

      3. That’s funny because I “can’t stand” when people tell people with kids they’re doing it wrong (no matter what they’re doing). You don’t get to decide if it’s possible for her to travel with her kids. Only she can decide that. I currently have a 3 year old and a 1 year old, and you are bats if you think I’m going to take them on an airplane anywhere. (And I’m willing to bet that if I did take them on an airplane, you’d be the passenger huffing at me when they inevitably bounce around the entire time before they have a complete meltdown.) *No shade to any parent who is brave enough to do this! I’m just not.

        1. I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old too, lol. I think it’s funny you assumed I don’t have kids. I just don’t like mommy martyrs.

          1. And I don’t like mommy’s who assume the way they do it is the right way, and doing it any other way is the wrong way.

            Hey, holier-than-thou, spend your energy on something else other than judgment. Maybe try building moms up – moms that you know nothing about, have no idea what challenges they face.

            You are the worst kind of mommy. Kthanksbye.

          2. Ugh, the only thing worse than a “mommy martyr” is a sanctimonious mommy. Get over yourself. I also have a 1 year old and 3 year old and yes, I can travel with them when I want to, but yes, it’s also a huge pain in the butt and not really worth it in most circumstances. Also, every kid is different. Some are easy to travel with and some are not. The OP didn’t make a big thing out it, not sure why you needed to.

          3. I did air travel once with my kids around that age. I am still mentally apologizing to the other travelers on that plane. We became a road trip only family after that until they were in elementary school.

            Kudos to the parents who do it, but it was definitely not for us, or more specifically, it was definitely not for my toddler son.

          4. No one assumed you don’t have kids, “lol,” as you said. She wrote that she doesn’t like “when people tell people with kids they’re doing it wrong.” The statement took no position on whether you had kids or not. You’re still telling people with kids they’re doing it wrong. Your way of having kids is not the only way of having kids. No one likes a mommy martyr, sure, and no one likes a sanctimommy either.

          5. The “lol” was just because our kids are the exact same ages and I thought that was slightly amusing (I was replying to you Nah). I also thought it was amusing that you assumed I’m some mean childless harpy side-eying all the frazzled moms on planes, when in fact I’ve helped or offered supportive words to dozens of parents.
            Never said anyone has to enjoy flying with kids! It’s a perfectly valid choice to say you don’t enjoy flying with young kids, but own it as your choice, not a choice your kids are making for you, because children don’t prevent anyone from flying (barring an inability to afford it, which is obviously not an issue for OP). I also agree with the poster below that unless you’re a single mom, leaving your kids behind for a couple days is an option. Again, if you don’t want to make that choice, perfectly fine. But it is a choice, not something that you were forced into.

      4. I completely understand traveling with kids is difficult, and nigh impossible if you’re nursing, but for my friends with spouses – why can’t you just travel to your friend alone? Have you handicapped your spouse so much that you don’t trust them/ they don’t know how to care for your kids for a weekend? I’ve seen so many friends lost to motherhood, not because they are kid obsessed but because their partner almost can’t keep the kid alive without them. Growing up my father would take care of us alone all the time when my mother traveled for work, school, or to go on a girlfriend’s trip. It’s a bit of a parental failure if one parent in a couple can’t take care of the kids for a short period of time – what happens if you get injured or have to go to the hospital? It’s one of my greatest missions as a parent to raise an a child to an indepenently functioning adult – and that includes having a partner that can take care of them if something happens to me or if I have to go out of town.

        1. I think it really depends on the ages. I have a 1 and 3 year old, and I wouldn’t be happy about my husband going away for the weekend to visit a friend unless it was an important event (like a wedding). I assume I’ll feel differently in a year or two, but right now, it’s a two person job. Can I do it alone? Yes. Do I want to? No.

          1. Wow. I have similar-aged kids and can’t imagine telling my husband he couldn’t visit a friend for a weekend and I’d be LIVID if he told me I couldn’t. Children are great but they shouldn’t end your life as your know it, and part of life for most people is having and visiting friends. You shouldn’t need a major life milestone like a wedding or funeral to get permission from your spouse to go away for 48 hours.

          2. I guess different families do things differently? This has literally never come up because we have always traveled together as a family, and it’s literally never come up that one of us would do a solo trip to visit a friend. So how many times have you left your 1 and 3 year olds alone with your husband to visit your friends for the weekend? Because honestly, I feel like that’s not something most people do on the reg. Not because it’s bad, but because it’s hard.

          3. My BFF went to Italy with me and left her 2.5 year and her disabled mother at home with her husband. She left them both a year later to go to England with me. Both trips were ~11 days. A few years later she left her two kids (her mother had passed away) with her husband so we could: (1) go to Germany, (2) go to the Netherlands, (3) go on a cruise, (4) take long weekend trips to NYC, etc. And she was a SAHM who homeschooled, so he picked up a LOT when we traveled…

          4. My oldest is almost 4 now and since she was born I’ve done four trips without my husband and all then-existing kids, so I guess an average of once per year? Two girls trips w/friends, one trip with my mom, one solo trip. All long weekends or shorter. My husband and I have also gone away as a couple w/o the kids twice, both times for just a weekend. We like to travel as a family too, but solo/couple travel is different and has value too.
            Honestly, if you read the moms page, I feel like we don’t travel much without our kids. There are lots of people there who do a weeklong trip every year w/o their kids. We couldn’t do that because I don’t think my parents could manage the kids that long, but I don’t judge anyone who has the support system in place to do that. I think it’s great to nurture your marriage/yourself/your friends and remember that you have identities outside of Mom and Dad.

        2. For us it’s about the kids not the spouse. Some kids handle travel well and others do not. 2/3 of mine are fine when I travel. The other one does not handle it well and it results in days of behavioral challenges beforehand and weeks of poor sleep afterwards. Not worth it to visit a friend for the weekend. Will it be better in a couple years? I hope so but I have to live where I am right now.

          I suggest when OP says travel for her is not an option, that we just take her at face value. Everyone’s situation is different.

        3. A lot of grownups, moms included, already travel without their children for their work. That’s a lot of extra work for the parent left at home, especially if they are not also in a traveling job where they get the reciprocal benefit (truly, work travel feels like a vacation if you have small kids at home). All of this makes it hard to add on non-essential additional travel. It has nothing to do with being “lost to motherhood”

          1. This. When I’ve missed bedtime twice already this week because of an overnight work trip, I don’t want to be away on the weekend too.

      5. What? who gets to decide what is hard? A child with autism, ADHD, high energy, etc. is very hard to travel with. I suggest giving her a Jet Blue (or whatever) gift card for her birthday toward the ticket, and let her know how much you miss her.

    2. I mean, I would do this but in a way that makes it seem that it’s not really “costing” me anything. E.g. can you come visit, I have a lot of airline points (or credit card miles) so would love to buy your ticket! Or, hubby is encouraging me to do a girls weekend, but all I really want is for you to come see me-can I buy your ticket and then we will do some spa and tourist things around here? I think there are ways to make it more about “you” and how she would be helping you rather than just to focus on the finances.

      1. + this approach; I think it would be more welcomed by the recipient and would feel less like she was receiving charity.

        1. I also think getting the husband in on it is a great idea. He could offer to pay for the plane ticket as a gift to you for some occasion, and maybe even be the one to reach out. “I know that OP really wants to see you and hasn’t been able to find time to travel. Can I fly you out here for as a birthday present for her?”

      2. I was going to suggest the same. “Hey I have points that are expiring and the last thing I want to do is get on a plane with my kids. Can I buy you a ticket to come visit us? I miss you.”

        I would be really pleased to receive such an offer.

      3. I love this suggestion. So tactful and thoughtful. Can’t go wrong with this offer.

    3. One idea: if there’s a time when your significant other is going to be out of town when she could travel could you frame it as: I miss you and I also would love to have another adult around when Bob/Bobbi is in Timbuktu. Any interest in coming out for the week? I’d of course pay for travel because you’d be doing me such a favor!

    4. I’ve bought airline tickets for a friend before without it being awkward (although it was with miles, which did feel a bit different from cash); I think an exchange of what you have (spare cash) for what she has (flexibility/ease of travel) is perfectly reasonable.

      Also I don’t have kids but I’m pretty sure Anon at 9:24 is being unnecessarily dismissive of your concerns – nothing about travelling with kids looks easy to me!

    5. Yes, sort of. I have cashed in airline miles for a friend to come visit. This somehow felt less awkward because I was able to say ‘Hey, we have more airline miles than we will EVER be able to use. I don’t want them to go to waste. Let’s find a weekend and cash some in for you to come visit!” I’ve also done this multiple times for my younger sister, but that’s a different dynamic, obviously.

      1. +1. You can tell a white lie that you have points/mileage/Southwest travel funds/vouchers. I do this even for family. I bought my mom a ticket to visit her sister and said I did it with points so that she would accept the gift.
        Other examples where I’ve paid for friends that don’t apply to your situation is shared hotel costs or concert tickets. I would book a double room so whether my friend comes or not that’s still my cost. Or I would have extra concert tickets where parents have bailed out and whether my friends come or not that’s already a sunk cost. When framed that way, people are more likely to accept your offer.

        1. You are the nicest person. I really mean that, hope I’ll have spare cash and the tact someday to do this for my friends and family.

    6. I think it would be weird to offer to pay all the expenses for a friend, and I would feel weird about accepting. It may be different if she is an extremely, extremely close friend who is like a sister – I say that because I wouldn’t feel weird about paying for things for my brother. Although I’ve never paid for a full trip, I have paid for flights for him to visit me and have paid for certain activities I really want to do when we travel together when I made more than 6 times what he did.

      But have you made it clear that you would enjoy having her come visit you? Have you told her that she would be welcome to stay at your place, assuming this is true, and that you would love to do X thing with her? I feel weird about inviting myself to visit friends. But the cost is very different if she knows that she is welcome to stay with you and doesn’t have to worry about getting a hotel room. When she is visiting, you eat many meals at home to keep cost down and maybe spring for the cost of one or two activities.

    7. As someone who would love to travel but can’t afford it, I would be really grateful and feel awkward but I’d probably accept.

      1. +1. And I did once accept a ticket to a friend’s wedding shower in a distant location. I was in law school and very, very broke. She had graduated and started her career. She made it about her and wanting to hook me up with her BIL-to-be (genuinely) and it was not particularly awkward and I was grateful.

    8. I’ve done it. I had no one to travel with but money to do so. My friend had no money and a husband who doesn’t like to travel. I phrased it as “taking her out on a date.” For a cruise, I said “I can pay double (as a single supplement) or you can come and be the second person. It’s the same cost to me!” Another time I said “I can buy a ticket to you, but it’s difficult for me to travel to you because of XXXXX. Can I buy a ticket for you to come to me?” In every case I made it clear that I wanted her company.

    9. I think it’s perfectly fine. More than fine. Young children ARE a reason to not travel. All else aside, what you’d pay extra to entertain them, hire babysitters so you could go out with your friend, and possible extra fees to ship a carseat and/or stroller would pay for much of the ticket. But most important is the nuisance/pain and suffering fee for the children and for you too.

      Say you have three children. That would be five people inconvenienced vs five happy people, one of whom might be briefly uncomfortable. Well worth it.

    10. Paying for the flight is a little tricky but there are lots of other travel expenses you could pay for without seeming overbearing. You can definitely offer to let her stay with you and eat at home with you – that’s just part of being a good host. If you have a car and can spare it for a few days, you might let her borrow that as well – I let certain friends use my car during the day as long as they give me a ride to/from work. It’s also probably fine to pay for meals/tickets/entertainment for the two of you (“since she’s traveling all that way”). I might offer to take a weekend trip to your nearby exciting city and pay for the hotel – and just say I’m using points or company discount or something.

    11. Don’t do it. I was just at a wedding where the bride and groom offered to pay hotel expenses for several guests. Nearly every one of those guests cancelled at the last minute. IMHO, you have to be somewhat of a jerk to cancel on any wedding last minute, but I’m sure the fact they could do it without losing any of their own money contributed.

      1. That’s awful! My husband’s uncle is super wealthy and paid for all the hotel rooms at his daughter’s wedding. I don’t know of anyone who canceled, although everyone had to buy their own plane/train ticket, so people still had at least some financial stake in it.

        1. It really was awful, especially since the bride is NOT wealthy and was incredibly disappointed that so many people bailed. I was really, really pissed on her behalf.

          1. Ah the bailing thing again. People who bail flat out SUCK.

            And if you’re reading this and you’re a bailer, you suck too.

    12. I think it would be a little awkward if it was just “come hang out with me”, but would seem normal and generous if it were “come visit for big birthday party/special event/reunion/girls trip”.

    13. I think it’s a fantastic idea. If your friend doesn’t feel comfortable they can say no, but i think the way you framed it is completely reasonable and very thoughtful – it’s making it possible for you to see your friend and you otherwise wouldn’t, that is a great thing!

    14. I would totally offer, and I would frame it as each of you contributing something to making the get-together happen. She’s contributing time and energy and bearing the brunt of the actual travel. You are contributing the money to make it happen.

      And yes, point out that it’s cheaper for you to pay for her ticket to you than to pay for your whole family to travel to her. That’s how we get my husband’s parents to let us pay for their plane tickets when they visit us.

      I guess there’s still some potential for awkwardness, but if you are actually good friends, I think it’s worth that risk.

  5. Sweaters always read so casual to me. But I am freezing at work. Anyone have some go-to sweaters that will not frump up or be too casual for work (vibe is business casual but emphasis on business / some sort of elegant-structured vibe that I have yet to master).

    1. I usually use sweaters as more of a base layer – for me it’s Uniqlo merino v-necks or banana republic silk/cashmere. Warmth without a lot of bulk – wear in place of a blouse.

      1. +1 all winter I live in Banana Republic merino crew neck sweaters. I wear with dark jeans in my very casual business casual office. They’re not at all bulky and I think look pretty professional.

      2. This. And Uniqlo has a short sleeve merino sweater this year that I’ve stocked up on to wear as a “shell” under blazers. Paired with blazer, dressy shoes and scarf or jewelry I don’t think it reads too casual.

    2. might be too preppy of a look – but when I put a white collared shirt under my crewneck or v-neck sweater it always looks dressier. and is warmer. and is less itchy.

      1. I have several ruanas like this from Talbots, Rack, etc. in cashmere, wool and cashmere/wool blends, mostly acquired in the $50-75 price range, as well as a couple Burberry models in the spendy range. I even toss one of them on over a sheath/jacket combo on days when it is pretty cold, but I need to wear business formal for a court hearing and then deal with the arctic tundra a/k/a my office in winter.

        1. +1 capes, ruanas, and ponchos are my go-tos for in between weather.

          I have the Cuyana alpaca cape in the camel and a navy blue alpaca cape from some random shop on amazon. Those are the core neutrals in my wardrobe so I wear them all the time. I have a gray ruana I wear less, mainly because it has a stripe around the bottom and I don’t like that for some reason.

    3. I have the BR washable merino v neck sweater in several colors and wear them all winter in my (formalish) business casual office. I wear them with nice trousers, a pointy toed flat or low heel/wedge, and a nice necklace and earrings, and it feels plenty formal for our dress code. It’s a classic look, not going to win any fashion awards, but it doesn’t feel frumpy. Keep your shoes and accessories current and your hair well groomed and you will avoid frump.

  6. Long post but reaching out because you ladies are always so supportive. My anxiety and panic attacks have been getting much worse since I moved to New York City a few months ago. I went through a lot personally and professionally about a year and a half before I moved here, on top of that, I just never had positive examples of people being happy in my immediate life growing up. For the first time in my life, I’m in a city I want to live in, working a stable, good job, and in a romantic relationship I deeply care about. I’m young, in my mid-20s, and I know I need to change habits now so I can truly be ME and be happy. But I truly do not know how to wake up in the morning and let myself be happy. I’m constantly struggling with thinking I’m a burden in people’s lives, or that if I get too comfortable here, the bad will inevitably come. I convince myself that if the worst does happen, I’ll be find and move on from it. Thoughts like that are holding me back, I believe. I feel like I’m waling on eggshells in my relationship because I’m worried I’ll be too much or I’m throwing myself at him, and that my friends back home are burdened by my constant reaching out (for them to support me but to also genuinely see how they are doing). I’ve finally found a therapist I enjoy going to, but in the meantime, I can’t stop spiraling. I moved to the city knowing no one, I know that plays a part of it. I try positive affirmations but it’s hard to combat years of a hardened subconsciousness. I’m trying to stop myself from getting hurt when there is no proof it’s even going to happen. I don’t want to be thinking ahead for the worst that may not even happen, it’s preventing me from living right now. Does anyone who struggles with the same thing have any tips?

    1. Yes anxiety meds. They were key for me to let myself have the time and energy to work on changing my thought patterns.

    2. Seeing a therapist is a great first step. Have you seen a psychiatrist for medication as well? From someone who has dealt with anxiety and “pure O” OCD, the combination of the two is what made the largest difference for me. My psychiatrist also said a higher dosage of an SSRI/SNRI is usually needed to treat anxiety vs. depression. For what it’s worth, Effexor has been the difference maker for me.

    3. Regular exercise (yoga twice a week, personal trainer once a week) and time outdoors in nature are key for me.

      Can you go sit or walk in a park near your work at lunchtime? Do you have an exercise routine? Try something just once or twice a week and build from there. I need the physical movement to release the phyiscal tension I get from feeling anxious.

    4. Therapy therapy therapy, meditation, and a book: What to Say When You Talk to Yourself by Shad Helmstetter. I have dealt with this stuff, too, and needed to completely re-train my brain. It takes a while but I’ve improved a lot. Take small steps and don’t worry if you can’t change overnight.

    5. Yes, I needed both therapy and meds to get off the spiral. Have you found a GP that you like who you can discuss this with? I think it’s absolutely worth a conversation with a doctor to see if there is a short-term medical fix that may be able to help you while you work on developing strategies to manage the anxiety in therapy. You may not need the meds long-term, but it’s something that could help in the short-term!

    6. Therapy and medication helped me with my panic disorder. I used to have panic attacks twice a day (like full-blown feels-like-a-heart-attack panic attacks), but now they’re very rare, so those two together helped me a LOT! When I was in full panic attack mode, deep/concentrated breathing is the only thing that helped me pull through them. Breathe in for 5 slow counts, breathe out for 5 slow counts. I’ve also found that listing to guided meditations helps. I like the Welzen app but have also heard good things about Calm and Headspace.
      And if you just want to meet up with a random fellow mid-20’s person in NYC for some company, feel free to email me at bxvcorpor e t t e at g m a i l (minus all the spaces of course–trying to avoid m0d).

    7. I have felt similarly for much of my life to varying degrees. Therapy helped me for almost a decade, but the panic became too intense in the last year and I finally agreed to try medication. For me, an SNRI along with talk therapy has done wonders and I have a greater ability to be present in (and enjoy) my relationship with my boyfriend and others as well as my job. Other things that help are regular exercise (something fun that gives you confidence), making new friends, reading good books, and regular dates with people who put you in a good mood. Best of luck!

  7. October 1 = first day of black tights, otherwise known as my uniform for the next six months. Hello, fall!

    1. I usually wait until after Canadian Thanksgiving (2nd Sunday of October) but it’s late this year so I’m going to use your October 1 date!

      Black tights and dress is definitely my winter uniform.

      Any recommendations for fleece lined black tights? I have a new client which means more offsite meetings vs. being mostly in my building all day.

      1. I asked for fleece leggings a while ago and got the following recs:

        Apartment 9 from Kohls, Polartec from Athleta (expensive but go on sale), C9 from Target.

    2. I wish! We have a “cold front” coming through this week, but still no tights or sweaters. Last year, on this day, I was in Chicago and pretty cold, but it was fun wearing sweaters and tights!

    3. I had ’em on yesterday! I love October so much. (It’s supposed to snow tonight where I live though. Bleh.)

    4. I wish…it is 79 in Toronto today without factoring in the humidity. What even?!?

    5. I can’t get tights to stay up properly. They always seem to sag and the cr*tch ends up way too low. What am I doing wrong?

      1. When the cr*tch is too low on mine, it’s because I bought a size too small. (Tight sizes feel like a minefield generally though, so I sympathize.)

      2. Thanks all. I’m buying my correct size per the package, but it sounds like sizing up is the better call.

        1. Try a different brand as well. They all have different size ranges. I find they only fit well if I am in the middle of the size range. At the top and bottom a range, the fit will not be as good.

    6. Bay Area. It was close to 100 degrees here last week and it was in the 40s this morning. All my warm clothes are still in a box in the attic!

  8. Does professional therapy for impostor syndrome exist? Books? Anything?

    I’m crushing it this year at work. I’m 100% commission based in my “big finance” role, so my performance is essentially evaluated by my compensation. I’m so g-d insecure in my job. I’m a 4th year “partner” and, even with a maternity leave built in to those four years I’m exceeding the average revenue for a ramping up partner. All verbal feedback in formal reviews is extremely positive. Still, I feel SO inadequate when compared so some of the objectively brilliant people I work with. I tend to not speak up in larger meetings, deferring to the senior people (when junior people are also chiming in). I can see the impostor syndrome at work and yet I can’t get out from behind. I often wonder when they’re going to realize I’m not that great and cut me loose… which is likely a ridiculous thought.

    Signed, a middle child who was always pretty good at things (sports, singing, math, art, you name it) but not ever The Best, and somehow this is all manifesting in my professional life, even at 35.

    1. Following as well! My slight twist is that I think I’m great at X and X, but to reach the next level I need to also be great at Y. I think I’ll never be good at Y and everyone knows I’ll never be good at it, so I should leave

    2. Also following! A couple of years ago my supervisor told me that possibly I had imposter syndrome, and for some reason it resonated with me. Since then we have worked on it together, not always successfully, but I feel so much stronger and happier to be making an effort to deal with a defined problem.

  9. I separate black jeans into two categories in my closet: those that get linty fast, and those that somehow manage to be lint-free. I tried to read the tags last night to compare materials, but a lot are worn off. I also know this is not necessarily brand specific. I have two pairs of Paige jeans that are great, and one pair that attracts lint from every sweater I own. Does anyone happen to know the secret blend of materials to find lint-proof black jeans?

    1. Good question. Another data point for you – I have Madewell jeans in ‘lunar wash’ – they are a sort of faded black, and never get linty. 92% cotton/6% poly/2% elastane.

    2. OMG I want to know this, too, because I definitely have noticed the same thing! My black Madewell jeans are in the linty category.

    3. I don’t know, but today I’m wearing J Brand Maria black jeans and they do not attract lint at all. If you’re curvy/pear/hourglass, they are a great fit.

  10. This is the kind of thing that might seem shameless or smug to share with people in real life.. but today I am officially mortgage free!

    1. CONGRATULATIONS!!!
      That is phenomenal and most likely will be *such* a game changer for your personal wealth and finances. Very well done!
      As they say, I’m a bit “jelly” over here. I’ve been whittling down my mortgage, but am not to the finish line yet.

      1. Same! We were on track to pay it off by the end of 2019 but decided to step back a bit, in part because of some unexpected expenses (new water heater, ugh) and in part to put more funds in retirement. We still expect to pay it off sometime in 2020, but I’m not going to lie, I’m a bit jealous of OP too. Congratulations!

    2. Congrats!! Can you give us more details if you’re comfortable? How long did it take and how did you do it? How old are you and how far into your career? HCOL or LCOL area?

  11. What is your opinion of masters degrees that aren’t a MS/MA? I’m looking into some environmental degrees and several are an MES (Masters of Environmental Studies), one is a MEEM (Masters of Energy and Environmental Management) or an MPS (Masters of Professional Studies).

    Until I started my search I had never heard of such degrees, so I can’t tell if they’re legit and I’m biased, or if they’re not very legit. FWIW, I’m not a scientist and I’m in an environmental adjacent career (like city planning, etc). I’m planning on completing my degree part time (probably online but possibly in person)

    1. With degrees like that it varies a ton by school. MES from Yale FES or Duke? Excellent network, stellar reputation, probably opens doors. MES from a local school that doesn’t otherwise have strong programs in forestry, ag, or related topics? Much harder to say if it would be worth the $$.

      Is there a job that you want that you can’t get because you don’t have a masters? That’s the question you need to ask. Especially because you’re looking at part-time/online, so you’d largely lose the networking value.

      1. I’m currently in local government but would like to move to federal government and then eventually consulting. A masters isn’t required to move up in my current agency but would be very helpful down the road.

        Many federal positions require a bachelors + 5 years of experience or a masters +3. A mentor of mine (back when I was a fed contractor) was a fed and suggested going to school part time because you can knock out both requirements at once

        1. Whether to go part-time is a significant decision, especially since it sounds like you will want the networking value of the degree. I wouldn’t do it just to cut down on time necessary to apply for a specific job if it means that you are less competitive for the job.

          There are benefits to going part-time, because you get to continue working and making a paycheck and gaining experience. But you do lose out on the networking and other activities that come with being a grad student, and it limits were you can go. I would seriously consider whether it’s just that you want the degree on your resume (and, if so, how much the school it is from matters) or whether you want the networking and other experiences of a masters.

          1. Seeing as I’m a lifelong government employee, I’m not willing to go into significant debt for a degree. I just won’t ever make enough to justify that.

            The in person MES part-time program I’m looking at is from an Ivy (but not Yale). It would be approximately 70-80k to complete. The online programs would be 20-30k to complete and are from flagship State U’s (both my state and other states). It’s hard for me to justify an 80k degree, to be honest.

            Is if dumb to put more focus on limiting my debt than it is to focus on networking?

          2. It’s not dump to worry about limiting your debt. But just make sure that the 20-30k degree will actually get you want you want. There is no point in spending 20-30k for a degree that will get you nothing and not help your resume or help in getting jobs.

            Also, this isn’t my field, but can you get scholarships or grants at the more expensive schools that would bring it in line with the cheaper schools?

    2. I’m in engineering. I have a BS, but I know some schools call it BSE (bachelor of science in engineering).
      I’m currently pursuing a MSE (master of science in engineering) and as far as I can tell it means the same as MS. At my undergrad school there were 2 options for a master’s, ME and MS. ME (master of engineering) did not require a thesis and MS did.
      In my field, all of these different names are treated the same.

    3. I have a M-GIS from a very reputable school, and it seems to be working out well for me. It made the difference in being able to get professional jobs, including one mid-length contracting position that was created just because my expertise was available: I was overqualified for a regular job I applied for, but they asked me to come in and consult. Everyone I’ve talked to with hiring experience in GIS says it’s very difficult to tell whether a candidate has much depth of knowledge, so the master’s degree was a big part of why I was hired.

  12. Seeking gut reactions: How soon is too soon to invite a new romantic partner to a family Thanksgiving? I have a friend who has been dating a new guy for about five weeks and he has asked her to his parents’ house for Thanksgiving. Obviously I’m not really entitled to an opinion on whether she should accept or not, but I wondered where the norms on this kind of thing usually fall.

    1. I’ve been with my SO almost 2 years and have not done visiting each other’s families for Thanksgiving of Christmas. My family lives 700 miles away while his family is 100 miles away. He did come home with me for Easter, though.
      I’m not ready to give up a big holiday with my family, even if it means having to travel far less.

      To each their own, though. Five weeks is really early but maybe his family is super stoked for her to be at Thanksgiving. How does she feel about it?

    2. Idk why this matters to you but I don’t think there are norms. They could be in love! His family could be the very welcoming more the merrier sort! All that matters is if she wants to go.

      1. +1 this and the first question here today are strange to me. There is no “normal” that everybody should be trying to achieve on this kind of thing.

    3. For my early – mid thirties crowd this would be totally normal. Things tend to get serious a little more quickly as you get older. Thanksgiving isn’t that far away.

    4. At my age (39), if I was legitimately into a partner, I wouldn’t even bat an eye at this. If I liked someone and they invited me to meet their family, that’s a compliment and I would go and have a great time (presumably).

      I’m not close with my family and have never invited a romantic partner to any family holiday, but for whatever reason, I love meeting other people’s families – romantic interest or not!

    5. I think it’s totally fine if she’s enthusiastic about it! Also Thanksgiving is almost 2 months away, so they will have been dating for 3 months by the time she actually meets his family, which I think is a much more typical timeline. I might be biased though, because things with my now-husband moved really fast. We were talking long-term plans and baby names after a couple weeks of dating. I think he met my parents after about 6 weeks because they were in town visiting. I probably wouldn’t have proposed a visit to them that soon, but since they were in town and I knew he was the one it seemed silly not to introduce them. We flew cross-country to meet his family after we’d been together for just over 3 months.

      1. Oh and we were 24 when we met, so definitely not on the older side. I’m sure people side-eyed it but when you know, you know. We’ve been married almost 15 years now.

    6. I did not spend actual Christmas with my husband for any of the three years we were dating, but I went to his college graduation and met his family (without him!) after we’d been dating less than a month. Normal is just a setting on the washing machine ;)

    7. 1. How old are they? Things move faster when you’re in your 30s and older. I think 5 weeks might be a bit soon to actually go to a holiday with someone else’s family, but Thanksgiving is still almost 2 months away. Three months is on the early side but not scandalously early.
      2. Were they friends before they started dating? Same basic point as #1 – things move fast if you’ve known each other for a while, ESPECIALLY if your new SO met your family when you were just friends.
      3. Would she have Thanksgiving plans but for this guy? If your SO would be alone for a holiday then I think it’s sweet to invite them to spend it with your family (though certainly not required).

    8. Not too soon at all if the gathering is local (or local-ish) and it’s one of those more-the-merrier Thanksgivings that includes all sorts of random folks – college roommates, office bachelors, neighbors who show up at the last minute, etc. A longer trip and heavier get-to-know-the-family emphasis might seem a little serious.

    9. It doesn’t matter what is normal, it matters what they are comfortable with.

      But, to the extent you want a sense of normal, I think it really varies depending on age and family. If they have been dating 5 weeks now, they will have been together for 3 months at Thanksgiving. Meeting the family after 3 months when the couple is in their 30s? I wouldn’t bat an eye. Meeting the family after 3 months when the couple is in college? I might think is a little unusual, but whatever works for them.

    10. My (now) husband of 7 years came to my sister’s wedding 4 months after we started dating. There were fewer than 30 people there and I had to ask him about 8 weeks in. So everyone is different – I don’t think this is weird.

    11. I think it’s fine. Some families are just, come one, come all. I don’t think it has to be some big, symbolic thing.

    12. When I was 31 and my now-husband was 26, he came to my family’s Thanksgiving after we had been dating just over 3 months. He “asked” my parents if he could marry me while we were there.

    13. I invited my now-husband to family Thanksgiving after about three months. Largely because I’d been remodeling my house and he’d been picking me up for dates every weekend and enjoying following the process, and it just seemed weird to exclude him from the first event I was hosting there. Also we were/are Very Very Old, and the family in question consisted of, inter alia, my 90-something parents, my son, and my son’s father from whom I’d been divorced for 20+ years. When he was able to take that in stride with great good humor I knew I’d found a keeper!

    14. Thanks for these replies! It’s so interesting to see the range of input, and what other details folks deem relevant.

      Other stats for those requesting:
      1. She is 31, he is 36
      2. They literally met five weeks ago when they went on their first date
      3. She was going to travel out of town to family for the holiday but has canceled those plans since she received this invitation from him

      1. It’s fine! I don’t know why you’re so judgy about it. What’s the worst that will happen? They’ll break up before the holiday and she’ll find herself lonely without plans? Well then maybe she’ll have a crappy Thanksgiving this year and proceed differently the next time she meets someone she likes. It’s really not a big deal. It’s not like she’s ditching an important work thing to run off and marry a guy she barely knows.

      2. There wasn’t that much range of input. Basically everyone said it was pretty normal and not to judge.

        She probably cancelled other plans right away because usually if you want a refund on travel, you have to cancel pretty early. She can always rebook if they break up.

    15. I was invited to a week long family reunion after the first date. It wasn’t weird because we both need knew where it was going.

  13. Reaching out to the hive mind: I’m heading to DC this week for a conference and have been in need of a new interview suit (conservative, grey, mid-range price). Seattle, where I live, is allergic to suiting so finding anything in stores can be tough. I assume DC has more suiting in stores…? Do you ladies have any recommendations on where I can/should go? I won’t have a car, but am fully capable on public transportation. TIA!

    1. The Macy’s downtown at 14th and G should have Calvin Klein suiting separates on the 3rd floor. They used to have offer coupons for out-of-towners who came up to the C. Service desk. This Macy’s has an entrance in the Metro Center metro stop.
      Good luck!

    2. Take yourself out to Tysons Corner Mall on the Metro Silver line, and check out Ann Taylor, Talbots, Macy’s, Nordstrom, etc. Plenty of restaurants for when you need a break. I am quite sure you can find something.

      1. Do not go to Tysons, at least not on metro (too long). Make an appointment at Trunk Club, go to Friendship Heights (Bloomies, Neiman, Jcrew, Banana, Saks, and others) or go to Macys downtown.

    3. +1 to the Macy’s and Brooks Brothers recs. If you are flying into DCA there is a BB store in Terminal B.

      Depending on where you are staying, both Friendship Heights and Pentagon City have tons of stores too. No need to go all the way to Tysons.

    4. If you’re downtown, there’s a great cluster of stores all within a block or so of each other: Macy’s at 12th and G; Ann Taylor and Banana Republic at 13th and G. I know all those stores have suiting. There’s also a J. Crew at 9th and F that has good suiting downstairs.

      I wouldn’t go out to Tysons – it’s a long 45 minutes on a train from downtown. Pentagon City is a good mall that’s much closer if you need a mall, and there’s a metro stop in its basement.

  14. My straightener is on its last leg and I don’t love it so I am looking for something new – preferably under $100. I need one that works well for both straightening and curling. My hair is shoulder length and thick and full (if it makes a difference).

    1. I just bought one from Conair of all brands, and it’s pretty fantastic on my thick, curly, unruly hair. I was really surprised. I’d been pricing out expensive ones but just grabbed this one to tide me over while I researched. It’s lovely. The one I bought is the InfinitiPro in Rose Gold. I purchased at Target, on sale, for $27.

      1. Meant to add–I bought it primarily for curling, and it works really well at that. I’ve only straightened in limited doses, but it seems to do well at that too.

  15. I’m planning to have the interior of my house painted, but don’t know how to find a good company. How do you find these types of companies? I’m in the DC area, if anyone has recommendations.

    1. do you have local friends? i found my painter from a friend he did wonderful work for…. or if you have a relationship with an interior designer then they might know one too.

    2. Do you have any connection with local realtors? That’s always been our go to for finding painters when we move.

    3. Angie’s list.

      Another good tip might be contacting a realtor that does a lot of sales in your neighborhood — they often have contractors they recommend to people who are looking to get a house spruced up to be ready to sell. (And would be happy to help you with a recommendation as any homeowner is a potential future client!)

      1. +1 to all this.

        I have a realtor friend who actually puts out a list of recommended tradespeople including painters.

  16. Hi ladies– we are remodeling our back deck/patio, and I would love any advice or suggestions! Anything you love, don’t love, must have, must avoid, when doing an outdoor space like this? The advice I hear most often is to make sure we run gas (for a fireplace and a grill) and electric under the concrete before we pour the slab. Several friends have also advised to put lots and lots of electrical outlets. I would love any other tips like this.

    It will have a roof, but the patio will extend out uncovered beyond the roof for the grill. We are not doing a full outdoor kitchen (it’s right off our actual kitchen) but will have a charcoal grill (one of those big green egg things). We are planning for a gas log fireplace (not wood burning because we are lazy and will never use one), a tv over the fireplace mantel, a hanging bed swing (v. excited about this!)… anything else we should consider?

    Our house is red brick, and I am thinking about a cream natural stone patio and possibly a cream brick fireplace… I don’t think we can match the exact red brick of the house, so I thought maybe going a different color would be better. Ideally I’d love for it to look like it “came with” the house and was not an add on, but I’m not sure how to avoid that. Plus I don’t want it to be too dark and cavelike, so I thought cream would help avoid that.

    So– tell me about your dream patio! I would love any suggestions!

    1. No help but a hanging bed swing and a TV are some of my dream patio must haves – jealous!

    2. Husband likes the smell of wood burning in a fireplace. I grew up with that inside and it is sooty and the charm wears off. We put a wood-burning fireplace on our deck. Also: covered outdoor space unless you live someplace that is shady and never rains. Otherwise, more cover is better.

      TV over the mantel will be too high probably. Angled and on a side holder would be probably better.

      Check with your builder for code requirements on any fireplace — our chimney had to go higher than our roof.

      Re the bed: any chance critters will burrow in and live there (mice? roaches?). I love the idea, but we screened in our porch to keep the critters out. Still not 100% I will ever go back to non-mesh outdoor furniture (though the upholstered stuff is more comfy). We’ll see.

    3. Hard wired lights all around the edge of the patio.

      If you think you will hang string lights along the patio roof, have the electrician put an outlet high up so you don’t have cords hanging down. And have the builder add in hooks for easy hanging.

      1. And make sure you get shatterproof string lights. If you get glass you will lose half of them in the first big wind. (Ask me how I know…)

    4. Around the roofed part, attachments to fully enclose the area (with mesh or clear plastic or both). This is essential when there are too many mosquitos out (mesh) or when it’s rainy/ cold out (plastic) to still get some outdoor use in imperfect conditions. I’ve seen wonderful curtain-like ones that you can pull all the way around, and some that attach like three little walls (hooked to the patio floor or weighted on the bottom).

    5. Built in gas grill, built in speakers (like the Sonos outdoor ones). Hate TVs over fireplaces whether indoor or outdoor (way too high).

    1. It’s hot. Otherwise it’s probably the same as a trial anywhere else, so pack what you’d normally pack. But it’s real hot. (Assuming this trial is in the next couple weeks. If it’s after October, it won’t be that hot anymore.) I would not plan to be able to rewear anything without having it washed/dry cleaned, because you’ll get really hot. So I’d make sure I bring a suit for each day. Did I mention it’s hot?

      1. It is hot, no doubt, but I also find that we tend to be a little aggressive with the AC down here, such that layers are essential. I just did a 7-day trial in Atlanta and managed to re-wear things without washing or dry cleaning because I could shed my jacket and other layers for the brief period of time I was actually outside.
        With respect to packing, this is a situation where having multiple pieces from the same suiting line is obviously super helpful. If you can manage to bring a hand steamer, that would also be useful, though depending on where you are, the humidity often mitigates wrinkles.
        Good luck!

    2. It’s hot. Plan on wearing panty hose if you’re wearing a skirt/dress suit (and you should, it’s hot). Pearls tend to do well in jury trials in my area. Obviously, if no one else if wearing panty hose/pearls, you can stop after the first day.

  17. Attire help — was a clerk to a federal judge in a small southern city 10 years ago (think old school south, fairly formal chambers etc.). I’ve kept in touch with the judge though I’m bad at calling more than 1x/yr and seen him a number of times (like maybe 5-6 times). So around mid October I’m headed down south because I’m in the mood for a road trip and need to hit up furniture country for a few pieces; I’ll only be an hour away and actually will drive through said city and thus want to stop by. What do I wear?

    The way it falls, I’d go to furniture country first, browse all day, and stay the night either there or return to the clerkship city an hour away and stay there as it’s got better hotels/restaurants etc. So then I’d wander the clerkship city that second morning and then go see my judge in the morning/afternoon based on his schedule. Recalling my time as a clerk, when male ex-clerks visited, they’d wear a button down, no tie, slacks (not jeans), nice shoes, and probably a sports coat. What’s the womens’ equivalent ESP if you DON”T want to wear a dress? Up in NYC for a stop by on a personal trip like this, dark jeans, boots and a fall sweater are plenty nice. But this doesn’t seem nice enough for a formal courthouse (and jeans are a no no). What kind of pants? Work/suit pants?? Women tend not to wear blazers casually as much as men so IDK what to do.

    1. Business casual. Gently, you’re overthinking this. If you don’t want to wear a dress, don’t. I am in a small southern city and I promise that women do wear blazers casually as much as men. Can you visit your judge first thing that morning in normal work clothes and then just go change into what you want to wear for the rest of the day? If not, wear whatever pants you like to wear normally. Also in mid October in the south it’s still going to be in the 80s and maybe even the 90s, if that helps.

    2. I would wear heels, slim ankle pants, and a blouse under a colored, non-suit blazer or sweater blazer.

    3. Is this NC? I would wear a cardigan/jardigan, floral or other print top, and navy work pants with heels. I wouldn’t wear black. No heels at the furniture store, of course! Enjoy your trip!

      1. I am in CLT and if I were visiting my judge in Asheville / Statesville / somewhere near and was furniture shopping, I’d wear something like this: Rothys (easy on my feet), AT Loft Julie pants, some sort of untucked blouse, something like the MMLF O’Keefe sweater / JCrew going out blazer. It looks intentional, is comfortable, but is “dressed” vs sloppy.

    4. I would probably err towards something you would have worn when clerking, but on the more casual side of things (i.e., what you might wear when not actually going to court/nothing was scheduled that day). I like the suggestion above, or just use your NYC outfit but swapping in tailored pants versus jeans (no blazer).

  18. I saw your question on the Weekend Open Thread about benefits for parents/caregivers and wanted to plug something my employer recently introduced: reimbursement for extra childcare expenses while on business travel (up to a max of $100/day). We use the money to hire a babysitter to pick our kids up from school and feed them dinner, tasks I normally do, so my spouse can work a typical day and meet them at home. This has seriously reduced the stress on my family when I’m away and also on me (because I no longer come home to an overburdened spouse). It’s also allowed me to say yes to some travel that isn’t strictly required but would benefit me/my employer (think: speaking at a conference).

    1. Wow — that is fantastic!

      Would this let you fly in Grandmas or Aunties? Because that would be like hitting the jackpot for us (and also this).

  19. Well, I am going with my husband to his reunion. It’s at the private High School. “heavy hors d’oeuvres and open bar.” My closet is only Bodensssss ottoman dresses, St John jackets, and pumps.

    Thoughts on what to wear and what to do? I imagine just standing around by his side? I won’t know anyone even though we started dating his senior year and he took me to his prom.

    If it matters, DH also worked there after college graduation. He says the 1989 graduates will be attending and he will have taught them.

    Neither of us have gone to any of our HS/College reunions, so I may be over-worrying about this. TIA!

    1. Wear a Boden dress, comfy shoes, and colorful jewelry. It’s a party! You’ll talk to people who knew, introduce yourself to people at the bar etc.

    2. I literally cannot imagine anything more fabulous for a 40th hs reunion and a fancy prep school than the pieces you mentioned above.

        1. I’ve thought about wearing pearls, but then I think I’m overly ageing myself. Maybe a fierce Alexis Bittar bracelet and brooch?

    3. This is late, but as a much younger grad of such a school, I also vote Boden. I wouldn’t wear the school’s color, but you can accessorize with it if you want/need to.

  20. If you’re someone who frequents libraries, have you noticed an uptick homeless people there — people who either have no place to go or are using the library to get in from the heat/cold/rain etc? Is your library nice about it or does the library or other patrons create a fuss? Helpful if you’d mention where you live – city, suburb, HCOL/LCOL etc.

    Went into a library for the first time in at least 15 years this weekend and was surprised to notice a handful of homeless people. Thought nothing of it except I noticed folks kind of sitting aimlessly — not reading, studying etc but shrugged it off because maybe some people like downtime of just sitting and casually flipping a magazine. Only when I was leaving did I hear some commotion on a different floor and a few adults hurried out their kids with — ugh why do they allow homeless in here, not coming back comments. I suppose it has to do with the location — outside DC but still on a metro line. Is this more prevalent in NYC/SF/DC? But still shocking/sad — I mean the last time I was in a library was in my (very suburban, far from any cities) hometown in NJ and the library there looked just like it had when I was in high school in the 90s — filled w HS kids who ostensibly had told their strict parents they had to study all day at the library and were really partially studying, partially hanging with friends/boy/girlfriends.

    1. There are always a few homeless people at the Arlington Central Library. (I think they aren’t allowed to stay in the shelters during the day.) They’ve never caused a disruption that I’ve seen — just silently reading or sleeping.

      1. There were always homeless people at the Arlington Central Library 20-30 years ago when I was growing up. The fact of people without homes spending time in the library wasn’t a problem. The library staff handled any behavior issues that arised. I recall signs noting that washing clothes and bathing were prohibited because doing so made too much of a mess.

        I’m in Palo Alto now and there are always homeless people at the downtown library and their existence in the library isn’t a problem for me and my young kids. Again, the library staff handle any issues.

        Do you know why the parents were freaking out? I could see a moment of loss of composure if someone harmed them or their children. Obviously, harming or threatening others can’t be tolerated. However, I think it’s cruel to suggest banning people simply for not having a home.

        1. I think a kid was assaulted in Arlington Central Library earlier this year. If OP is referring to Arlington, there’s probably some reason for parents to be tense. I can’t remember the details, but I think it was on the moms listerve. I still bring my own kids there though.

    2. I live in a city that is considered large for my state but is definitely small by objective standards. I frequent the downtown branch of our library system, which has many homeless patrons. Most of them use the internet/computer resources available or attend adult literacy classes. Our library also offers an information and referral service for individuals in need of help with basic necessities like emergency utility payments.

      Unless they are unruly or disturbing other patrons, the library staff treats all patrons, including homeless individuals, with the same level of courtesy. I like that people with nowhere else to go see a library as a safe haven, and I’m glad that our library is welcoming to everyone.

      1. This is also how my library is. There have been issues with homeless people on the sidewalk outside the library being unruly (getting in fights, harassing women) but the homeless inside the library are generally quiet and I’m glad they have a place to go. Our library does, presumably because of the homeless population, have a strictly enforced no sleeping policy (I have a friend who works night shifts who nodded off for a moment in a chair while her middle school age kids were picking out books and she was woken up and required to get up by security).

    3. My town (LCOL Midwestern college town with cold winters) doesn’t have many homeless people on the streets in general and I’ve never seen a homeless person in our local library branch. Our closest public library branch is on the “Eagleton” side of town though, I know there are branches in less affluent areas that I assume might have more homeless people.

    4. I live in the Los Angeles area. I used to go to the library several times a week, and most definitely every Saturday. I had cards for the three library systems in my area, but now I only use my local library. Every library here has a large contingent of homeless people every day. They wait outside until the library opens and then hurry inside to get the best tables and chairs. I know they have no other safe place to be during day, so I am used to this. I do find that I use the library less than I used to because of some changes that were made to deal with this situation: there are far fewer study carrels and almost all of the upholstered reading chairs on the upper floor were removed, partly because they were out of sight of the staff, and there would be fights over them. The signs in the restrooms say that paper towels are no longer available because of the cost, but since that was done, I have seen fewer people taking sponge baths in the ladies rooms. Those who do have their own towels. Because there are fewer seats available, the library is no longer a hanging out place for me, just a place to pick up and return books. I have plenty of other options, however – I can take my books home or to a coffee shop, and the homeless can’t. I wish the burden of providing a safe day space for homeless people were not shoved off on the libraries, but that is how it is now.

      1. This.

        “I wish the burden of providing a safe day space for homeless people were not shoved off on the libraries, but that is how it is now.”

      2. +1. I live in a suburb of a MCOL southern city. I’ve seen homeless people at our library, especially using the computers. But the library is designed so it’s not going to be all that comfortable to spend the day there. Yes, there’s AC. But there are time limits on computers and meeting rooms. There are no more study carrels, and there is no upholstered furniture or place to hang out. The library is essentially a place to browse for books, pick up whatever you’ve put on hold, attend events or activities hosted by the library, or use the computer within the time limits. (I suppose you can log back on, but it’ll auto-log you out, so I imagine that can be disruptive.)

      3. My neighborhood library in the LA area generally has @ dozen or so homeless people using the library at any given time. Probably more on weekdays. It doesn’t seem to have changed much since I moved to my neighborhood about 12 years ago and got my library card. While I do suspect that the recent renovation (opening up the main room) was in part to make sure that people weren’t sleeping in carrels, the homeless folks there are pretty low-key and I can’t remember any disturbance at the library.

        FWIW, the homeless folks seem to give the kids’ section (and the YA section) a wide berth (I’ve noticed a similar pattern at our church). I do let my middle school age daughter go there from time to time after school with a friend, it doesn’t seem any less safe than other things she gets to do (walk to Starbucks on her own, go to the grocery store to shop for me).

        1. I suspect the pretty-good behavior is due to the weather. Because it’s nearly always nice outside (being LA), homeless folks generally aren’t waiting out bad weather in a public building. Every time I’ve been personally hassled and/or raved at by a homeless person, it’s been outside on a sidewalk or a public park (with one exception). Most public buildings here do have security and/or aren’t shy about asking disruptive people to leave.

    5. Southern state capital city. There are folks of all SES there. As we have warm weather and are near a large interstate (and a pre-interstate east-west thoroughfare runs through, which is the route most foot travelers take), there is a large transient population in my city. There always has been. As far as I’ve observed, all are welcome at our public library.

    6. I also live in a city that is considered large for my state but is small, objectively. Our main downtown library is usually at least 50% homeless people. Most of the time they are harmless and the library staff is accommodating (at one point they even considered keeping the library open 24/7 but ruled it out due to budget reasons). But occasionally, they can be very unstable and disruptive, and sometimes the smell can be really bad. I only go in to pick up books on hold and get out.

    7. MCOL city in FL. I tried studying at a number of our local library branches during law school when I needed a break from my peers, but I quickly realized they were essentially shelters for the homeless. Nobody seemed to be bothering them though from what I could tell. I went to a nearby college library instead.

    8. Our public libraries routinely have homeless camping out in them. Homeless itself is not the problem, but drug use is so rampant in our libraries the librarians are trained in Narcan and use it almost daily in certain locations. I enter my branch about once a week and see people nodding out about half the time.

      1. Are you also in Philly? The Macpherson Square library is famous for having its library staff narcan trained. It’s really sad

    9. This has been common for decades. When I was a teen-ager in the ’70s, I worked in the public library of an affluent suburb. I’ve enjoyed using libraries wherever I lived, and because they are safe places for people and require no money to be spent, there are always folks who are there to warm up or access the Internet or read a magazine. I know some people are disruptive and librarians cite this as a challenge for their work, so I understand that can be uncomfortable for other patrons. Eric Klinenberg has a new book called “Palaces of the People” that talks about this.

    10. So unless I’m in an upscale suburban town like your NJ hometown, this is why I only frequent university libraries if I need to get some work or studying done. While many/most law libraries are only open to students of that university, many undergrad libraries are open to visitors with ID and/or to those willing to become friends of the library for like $200 max. Anyplace requiring ID or a membership won’t have a transient population. I get that people have no place to go and it’s nice that libraries welcome them, but honestly I want to be able to just zone out and work any not worry about who is next to me, when they last bathed, whether they’re high or mentally ill, who last sat in this chair or couch etc.

      1. LMAO, have you actually been to a university??? There are plenty of high, drunk and mentally ill students, along with a contingent of folks who think that Axe Body Spray = Shower. They just may not look like your mental image of “homeless” As for who was last on the chair, last time I checked there are no butt borne illnesses that can be contracted through your clothes. I’m not sure why that would even be an issue.

        1. I don’t think you’ve been to a university (esp. ones with semi-closed campuses) if you think an unwashed drunk student sleeping off a hangover is the same as a chronically homeless person muttering to themselves that literally smells like trash and *ss.

          1. *Looks around my office on the campus of an R1 university*… Nope, pretty sure I’ve been to a few but spend my time at the library focusing on work and reading rather than what other people look/smell/sound like.

        2. You’ve clearly never sat in a public transit seat just vacated by a homeless drunk person. I watched someone sit on a wet seat (no one realized it was wet until after he stood back up and yelled out) just last week. It sucks.

        3. Yeah sorry the frat dude who may not have showered and is still slightly hungover but at the library cramming for tomorrow’s exam is still worlds cleaner than a homeless person who may not have showered in a month. And really you don’t think bedbugs or lice can be a problem in soft furniture? You’re being naive and just want to shame a poster who is thinking what most of us think/won’t say.

          1. There’s a pretty regular recurring thread on r/my particular university regarding what corners of libraries/buildings are best for getting a good night’s sleep. I sometimes offer pointers, because I was once in their place in the pre-internet age. Y’all would be well served to realize that “student” and “homeless” are very much not mutually exclusive. There but for the grace of…. yada, yada.

    11. There are a lot of homeless people in the libraries in my area (Bay Area). Honestly, I’m not likely to hang around long when there are a lot of homeless people there because at least around here, most people do not have access to showers or clean clothes and I have a low tolerance for bad smells. I’m also not interested in hanging around men who are drunk/high or coming off it. It is how it is and I recognize that I’m the one who needs to leave, although I think it’s a shame because I know a lot of families and young people are doing the same thing. I don’t want library support to erode, but I don’t blame people for not wanting to sit for an hour covering their noses.

      1. Yep. Can’t even imagine how bad it is in SF. I mean I went to the library once in Arlington which has a tiny fraction of the problem of SF and that was it for me. It’s not even about smell but it’s not where I want to spend time with people who are unclean, high etc.

      2. Yeah, it’s bad in the Bay Area. Even the ritzy areas like Palo Alto have a lot of homeless people in the library.

        1. Palo Altan and frequent library user here. I’m glad our libraries are welcoming to all and the existence of homeless people in our libraries doesn’t bother me.

          The severe shortage of housing and the people who reject the idea that our town and neighboring towns should allow developers to build more housing bother me a great deal.

      3. The San Mateo main library is gorgeous and I go there at least twice a week. I have only seen 1 homeless person so far. I’m sure there could be others, but I have never noticed and they have never bothered me.

    12. Located in Houston. The public library downtown has been a homeless haven for years, possibly decades. I don’t know of anyone who uses it except to pick up a book not available at other branches. I went there a few times as a youth, and as an adult only for special events (ex. author reading, gala, etc.). Tbh, the library is completely unusable to an extent because the city lets the homeless set up camp (literally living) outside with zero consequences – and I’m talking 30 – 50 or more people at a time on the tiny entrance plaza and the alternate entrance on the other side.

      I’m all for helping the homeless (shelters, transition housing, feeding, clothing, etc.) but I simply don’t feel like I should have to walk through a gang of people high on drugs, off their needed mental illness drugs (or both), that yell, harass, and beg just to enter the library, then followed to my car once I leave (this may be unique to Houston as the homeless population is much less down on your luck family and much more 70 yr old man in tattered clothes with schizophrenia on heroine and random pills he found on the ground). Once you’re in there it’s not bad as the librarians have hawk eyes for people that might cause trouble, but it’s just not worth the bad parking + harassment.

    13. Based on these comments, I feel like a lot of libraries wouldn’t be shut down from lack of use if they had actual behavioral and cleanliness requirements for patrons. Would it disproportionately affect the homeless? Yes. Would it also be much better for the city and the much much larger number of people that will use the library for other than shelter? Yes.
      I feel like it is completely reasonable for a library to have a no shirt, no shoes, no service + general health cleanliness rule. You can get kicked out of other government buildings if you smell like you’re a health hazard, I’m not sure why it doesn’t seem to apply to libraries. I shouldn’t risk being exposed to TB or under the threat of puking from inhuman smells just to go to the library.
      I promise this isn’t homeless hate, it is a reality that this population has exacerbated health issues and lack of cleanliness due to no access to facilities – why does the library have to take that on instead of the city actually helping these people?

      1. Do you have a particular standard in mind for cleanliness, how is that defined and why is it defined that way? What if someone is temporarily homeless and using the library to apply for jobs? They may not be up to cleanliness standards, but they want to improve their situation. Isn’t self improvement what libraries are for?

        1. Don’t be obtuse. The “standard” for cleanliness is wearing clean clothes and showering. Yes, that’s not always possible for the homeless, but people are pointing out that there are consequences in terms of other patrons’ usage and support of public services. Also, I think people have this perception of the industrious homeless person bettering his situation in the library when nine times out of ten, someone is passed out on the couch sleeping off a bender. Honestly, the whole situation, including the extreme homelessness crisis in many cities, sucks.

          1. Many people on this board pride themselves on going days without showing. We have a post about second and third day hair practically every week. Does those people not meet your standard, because they are not showering? How about a kid who showers once a week? And how do you tell? Is there a door monitor who asks everyone if they showed and changed clothing that week? Or does it have to be perfectly clean, such that I can’t go after I dropped a piece of food on my shirt at lunch?

            Now do you see how crazy and subjective that standard is.

          2. I have no issues with restricting the library based on behavior. If someone is sleeping or using drugs, thats a behavioral issue. If someone is just unclean (hasn’t showered in a week because there is no where to go) but using the library appropriately, thats problematic because where else are they suppose to go to prepare a resume or respond to an employer’s job post (for example). If they cannot use these services, how are they supposed to become not homeless. Isn’t that the goal?

          3. Nope, not buying it. You’ve clearly never smelled a homeless person on day 43 without a shower or change of clothes. If you had, you wouldn’t be suggesting the need for a door monitor asking if someone has showered. There’s absolutely no need to ask, trust me. And if women on this site EVER showed up to work smelling like that, they’d be out of a job real quick.

          4. I agree people are being obtuse. Numerous people have mentioned the extreme smells of garbage, pee, and lingering defecation. No one is talking about a woman with greasy hair or a dude with some BO but who is for all appearances not covered in dirt/disheveled. We are talking the smell of literal garbage. If you equate this to someone who hasn’t showered in a couple days, you need to take your strawman and privileged behind to a street corner and get actual exposure to the sort of homeless this thread is talking about – the chronically homeless with hygiene issues and mental/drug abouse problems.

          5. The problem is that you cant just say, super gross smelly people stay out. There has to be a policy of who stays and who goes. Where and how do you draw the line. Its obvious that some people are a long way past it, and some people don’t approach it. Where is the line through the grey area? Librarian discretion? One parent thinks someone smells too much and complains?

          6. Anon at 1:11 PM – just fyi – you CAN shower and just not wash your hair. It IS possible.

      2. Agree with the comments about how you evaluate and enforce this. To address the problem, in San Francisco, there are often portable showers (in a converted bus) pared outside the main library.

        1. Sounds like SF has a good solution.

          Any arbitrary policy on ‘smell’ is going to be dispropriately targeted at male POC vs the homeless white lady.

          Clothing free from visible bodily fluids is about as neutral as you can get.

    14. There are always homeless people in my library but that’s been the case since I was a kid, even in the suburbs.

    15. My city straight up uses the libraries to assist when shelters are overwhelmed. During extreme heat/cold, the libraries are kept open late to be heating /cooling centers.

      It makes me sad that there’s no where for this population to go, but secretly I get cranky when parks/libraries/other public spaces are difficult to use because they’re overtaken by the homeless population.

    16. In Boston; yes definitely a lot of homeless people in the library at all times. Frequently have police/emergency medical professionals going in and out to assist (specifically with non-responsive people / potential ODs). Also definitely lots of pot use in the library. It’s annoying but oh well. This is the central branch.

    17. Yeah, my Seattle Ballard branch is a sad place and it’s about 20 min out of downtown (so not a central location). The homeless don’t just occupy the library but live on the perimeter. After going there for toddler story time during which someone was being loudly escorted out I decided it’s not the place for us. But I do use their audiobook lending online. When I was a kid, there were always girls who dreamed of being a librarian and I can’t imagine any kids wanting to work there “when they grow up”.

      1. University libraries should be the goal if your kid wants to be a librarian. The kids paying 60k/yr in tuition and/or in loans likely live someplace and shower.

    18. I’d love to attend some of the library programming, but I agree – my library isn’t a place where I want to hang out.

      I do all of my book borrowing with Kindle E books, so I rarely actually go into a library.

      Honestly, if I had kids I’d bring them to story time. etc. at my parent’s suburban library branch. I wouldn’t really want them in my city’s branch

    19. I read an article earlier this year which really resonated with me. Here’s a particularly relevant quote:
      “Democratic public space is at a premium in our increasingly commercialized, consumerized and commodified society. People do not have to have money or an education or a reason to use the public library. It belongs to everyone. The public library has a unique selling point in providing this space. We should be making full use of this advantage.” Link to article in reply.

      1. I have no issue with anyone, homeless or not, using the library for its intended purpose. I don’t love people camping out in the library all day taking up space/resources that people might need for library purposes. If someone who was not the cleanest was using the library as its intended, I’d be fine with it. If they’re there sleeping, etc. I”m less inclined to support it.

        The real issue, at least in my city, however, is drug use in the library. Sure, it’s mostly done by a homeless population but I’d want anyone who was high/using kicked out of the library.

    20. I grew up going to the public library A LOT in a mid sized southern city in the mid/late ’90s, and there were always a number of homeless men there. It freaked me out a bit as a kid as some of them seemed mentally ill/drunk/high and I didn’t really know what that was or why they were acting weird. They also smelled very very bad. Which is probably not something they could help. So no, I wouldn’t say uptick. At least not where I’m from.

    21. It’s extremely prevalent in San Francisco, especially at the main library. Many people use the restrooms to try to wash. Also to shoot up. I’ve observed that it’s common at the downtown Seattle library and, on a tour there, a docent mentioned that the librarians have tolerated a homeless man ironing his clothes for an interview.

    22. I’m in Seattle and both the downtown Seattle branch and the suburban branches have major homeless contingents often on the perimeter and inside too. One of my prior coworkers called the main library the “daytime homeless shelter”. I would never try to police what kind of p0rn people watch on their own computers but have made the mistake of catching glances of what is on the monitors of several patrons and won’t make that mistake again. In most instances, I’d still bring a kid to story time at the library but it would make me cautious.

    23. Yes, I live in DC and am a frequent library user and this drives me crazy. Libraries are basically being used as community centers for a specific subset of the homeless population. I am not talking about people who are homeless by circumstance (I don’t know that I would even notice them). I’m talking about men who are very clearly mentally ill, high on drugs/alcohol, have visible skin/lice type issues, you can smell them 20 feet away.

      It’s unfair to the librarians who are expected to act as social workers, and it’s unfair to the rest of the patrons who just want to be able to use the library without dealing with someone who is mentally ill, high, has serious hygiene issues and smells to high heaven. I would absolutely pay higher taxes for more services targeted specifically at this subset of the homeless population.

  21. Can anyone recommend a therapist who uses CBT techniques in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area? I am hoping to find someone who can help with practical, goal oriented methods, as opposed to months of talking, with no real insights gained (my last therapy experience.) Appreciate any recs. Thank you.

    1. I had a great experience with Joanne Garlich – her office is in Uptown Minneapolis. Saw her for about six months as I was working through some burnout and trying to figure out if I should change jobs – she was very down-to-earth and practical, with very concrete suggestions for things to try. She was also good about iterating on things – what worked for me, what didn’t, rinse and repeat.

      1. Dang! she is not accepting new patients. Will see if she can make a rec. thanks!

  22. Intuitive Eating- what’s the book everyone likes on this? Any tips on embracing it?

    1. There’s an eponymous book and I’ve also had some luck with blog posts from Real Life RD. I also have a friend who likes Christy Harrison’s website and podcast. My tip for embracing it is to practice gratitude every time it brings you joy that was off-limits before – like having a glass of wine AND a cupcake at the party because both sound amazing or every time you don’t beat yourself up for missing a workout.

      1. There are close to a dozen books on Amazon called Intuitive Eating- any insight into which one is good? Will def check out that podcast thank you!

        1. The one by Evelyn Tribole is the one I’ve skimmed and liked, but I think there may be an updated version so check that out.

          1. +1 This is the right book and a really good place to start. I also ended up getting help from a nutritionist who specializes in intuitive eating and it was immensely helpful.

      2. Christy Harrison really challenges my old ways of thinking. I like her a lot. Food Psych, I think it is called?

  23. Am I a lost demographic? I have no idea where to shop anymore! I’m 39. My ideal casual style would be something like Keri Russell, Jennifer Aniston, or Meghan Markle (but I am built nothing like them, sadly. I am a petite pear). I work in a creative casual industry where jeans are acceptable on Fridays. I make a good salary, but I just cannot fathom spending more than $100 on a top or pants. Maybe I need to change that. I grew up in a very frugal family so those ways are ingrained in me.

    Issues with stores, let me count the ways:

    Zara: I actually love the aesthetic, but I feel guilty shopping somewhere so blatantly fast fashion
    Aritzia: Love everything here, but it’s so expensive! Is it worth the money? I also hate trying things on with no mirrors.
    Madewell: I like their casual stuff, but it seems overpriced
    Club Monaco: Nice aesthetic but way more than I would ever spend
    Everlane: I do not get the hype. Does not fit my body type at all, and I hate their shipping policies
    Oak + Fort: Too much brown and beige.
    Anthropologie: Occasional gems, but overall a bit too much quirk and seems really overpriced for what it is
    Urban Outfitters: I feel too old to even set foot in this store

    What am I missing? There has to be a middle ground between Zara and Aritzia/Club Monaco/Anthro. Where do you late 30s/early 40s ladies shop?

        1. Yup. Go try on some of those more expensive pieces, at least, and see how you like them.

        2. I grew up in a low income home and now shop those labels second hand (mostly on Thred Up). Win win in my book.

    1. Nordstrom house brands fit me really well (Caslon, 1901, Halogen). Have you looked there? Alternately, have you looked on ThredUp for the brands you like but deem too expensive? I love Max Mara and it fits me well, so I have a saved search in my size on ThredUp (and eBay, but it’s harder to be sure of authenticity).

      I support overlooking fast fashion if you have the money, even if you have to push yourself to spend more. The cost is being taken out somewhere (the environment, the workers).

    2. Try keeping track of the price per wear. That may get you more comfortable with spending more money on great pieces and you can reserve fast fashion for a few one-two season type items.

      If price is an issue, higher end consignment shops might also be a good option to check out.

    3. The women you mentioned have pretty basic but well groomed style. You can achieve that look with the likes of:
      J. Crew.
      Uniqlo.
      Madewell (not sure what you’re looking at but their basic tops are well under $100 and there is a sale right now)
      If you can style it well, Gap and Old Navy (esp. pixie pants do well on petite pears)

    4. I’m going to bring up Banana Republic Factory and Ann Taylor Factory (they both have websites – stores exist at outlet malls). I find BRF to be better quality, for some things – blouses, especially – than regular Banana. ATF quality is mixed – some things are good, some not so great.

      Both have the option to return by mail, although it’s a bit pricey (~$6 for BRF and $8 for ATF).

      Also, Macy’s. I mostly shop online from them because my bricks-and-mortar Macy’s is not good.

    5. Nordstrom rack. I have a friend who feels like you do about prices and she only shops the rack. She has gotten very good at knowing when there are sales and points days and all that.

      I don’t go often (it’s inconvenient to my commute) but when I go I’m often impressed at the prices for things like bras and tights.

    6. JCrew Factory (online) is pretty good and definitely reasonably priced.
      Boden (online), although this may occasionally be above your $100 threshold.

      I’m your age, and those are probably my most shopped “stores”. It sounds like I have to dress up for work more than you.

    7. I am 39, short hourglass, and frugal when it comes to clothes. I too am frustrated so I spent a ton of time on Vivienne Files and designed a 4×4 wardrobe – one for business casual including a pair of jeans for Fridays, and one for home/lounging/errands. I add interest to it by doing her “French 5” concept around the spring and again inthe fall – basically pick a trendy accent color that you love and add 5 pieces to mix with your 4×4. These are mostly for my business casual wardrobe but I will occasionally find a cute piece that is more weekend and treat it like a French 5 for that wardrobe as well.

      I spent more on the foundations of my 4x4s by shopping Nordstrom, Ann Taylor, Boden, and J Crew. (And some Target/Old Navy/Gap for some of my lounging foundations.)

      I thought I would spend less on my French 5s, but it turns out it’s a mix of everything. I might get a top from Aritzia and another from Banana Factory store, and then get cheaper shoes from DSW and a purse from Target. Because I’m limiting myself to 5 well-thought-out pieces, I can splurge a bit. I follow a few bloggers (Putting Me Together, Katie Sturino, Rayanne La Casse, etc) and take a lot of inspiration on stores and colors from their posts.

      At the end of each French 5 season, I might donate those 5 pieces if I’m over the color, or I might work a piece into my 4×4 to replace something that’s feeling dated. But only having to buy 5 pieces once or twice a year really takes the pressure off of feeling like I need to constantly update my clothes or stake out a great sale – I know if I love a piece, and it fits in my wardrobe, it’s worth the splurge or the fast fashion.

    8. Honestly, I buy my best casual clothes at JCPenney from the Liz Claiborne line, and the pieces never cost more than $30 and last forever. I only buy the pieces with a lot of cotton in them. I have to get their jeans taken in at the waist (also a petite pear) but otherwise they are great casual basics. The other one I love is Karen Scott from Macys, but the bottoms aren’t so pear friendly. The aesthetic of those two I think is just about right for what you describe: opaque natural fabrics, slightly trendy takes on classics, slightly fitted, somewhat structured. For fancying it up, I have cool jackets from Chico’s (which is pricier and aimed at older ladies but I’m 36 and look great in them and get them on sale – they last forever).

    9. Loft? I find a lot of business casual staples there.
      Gap can be good for the more casual end.

    10. I’m mid-30s and I’ve also struggled to find fresh casual wear that seems age appropriate. Lately I’ve been more drawn to local boutique stores than big department stores. The collections are curated by stylish women in their mid-30s through 50s, so there are plenty of great options but not so many that I feel overwhelmed. Granted, they’re not that cheap, so this doesn’t address your cost issue, but they have pretty decent end of season sales. If you find 1-2 stores that have a style you really like, you’ll be able to find a couple of staples per season without a whole lot of effort or expense.

    11. Boden all the way for dresses I feel like a million bucks in.
      For basics: Old Navy (seconded the pixie pants for a pear), J C Penney (like you, I am thrifty and was brought up that way even though I can afford more now)
      For seasonal style in good fabrics: Uniqlo (sweaters, skirts, solid tops)

    12. I’m your age and also find most of the stores you mentioned to be too expensive. So I mostly restrict myself to Jcrew Factory, BR and BR Factory, and Boden on sale. I also like uniqlo for casual clothes.

    13. Tried Nordstrom Trunk Club to learn how to dress and what brands fit in comfort of my own home, then found those brands at Nordstrom Rack, half of half, or consignment shops. With the occasional full price purchase thrown in.

    14. Try ThredUP and look at designer brands like Diane Von Furstenberg, Akris, Akris Punto, Boss, etc. Much cheaper prices because used. You can return. Filter by size and condition.

  24. Any recs for a good tailor in Arlington, VA or downtown DC? Preferably on the orange/silver line, but I can drive somewhere in Arlington too. Nothing too complicated for the moment (just need a bridesmaid dress altered), but I’d love to find someone who I can keep going to.

Comments are closed.