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Updated: Oct 11, 2020 409 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Hisley 3/4-Sleeve Crepe Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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If anyone has plans to drop four figures on a work dress this year, please let it be this one. (And then call me and tell me all about it so I can live vicariously.) This has some serious Claire Underwood vibes and I am here for it. I particularly love the diagonal front pleat and super-flattering darted waist.

This is the sort of dress that requires no accessories beyond some basic stud earrings and a gorgeous shoe. If I ever find myself nominated to the Supreme Court, this is what I’ll wear to my swearing-in.

The dress is $1,395 and available in U.S. sizes 2–14. Hisley 3/4-Sleeve Crepe Dress

Two more affordable alternatives are from Black Halo ($375, sizes 0–16) and Donna Morgan (on sale for $59.99, sizes 2–16). 

Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anonymous

    I was in love with this dress until I saw the full-length exposed back zipper. Whyyyy?

    • Cat

      gah I am with you. I don’t like them (1) for personal aesthetic preference – prefer a more refined, polished look, (2) comfort – don’t care to sit on a firm strip of zipper, and (3) because they are starting to seem dated to me – remember 8 or so years ago when designers were sticking them on everything??

    • Ellen

      I concur. Rear zippers, especially those that are exposed and full length are open invitations to grungy men to “try them” (i.e., see how much of them they can pull down before you catch and stop them). FOOEY on that! I work with Frank, a married schlub, who on a number of occasions has tested and commented upon the ease with which my rear zippers open, and told me that ease of access to men must be important to me, and THAT is why I bought them! Can you imagine?

      For the same reason, I can’t wear V necked sweaters w/o him examining it with his pencil, poking around to get a better look at my boobies. Again, this guy is married, but since he is the CFO, I can’t do more then push him away and/or tell the manageing partner. I do get temporary relief when the manageing partner yells at Frank, but it is only temporary (mabye for a few days at most).

      I suggest that the rear zipper fashion should be restricted. Would it be easier to make a side zipper? I am not sure it would work well, but it would surely allow us, as professional women, to retain our dignity, by preventing men from pulling down our zippers involuntarily. I hope the HIVE will come up with similar ideas to protect our bodies from unwarranted ooogeling and grabbing by schlubs, particularley those who are married and have spouses at home they can legally ooogel and grab.

    • Anon

      For the price point, an exposed zipper is unacceptable. It cheapens the dress.

    • Anon

      If anyone is considering this dress for real, I’m sure a $1400 dress comes with free tailoring at any upscale retailer. It’s not that hard for a sewist to swap out a visible zipper for an invisible zipper.

      • Silly Valley

        Generally, an exposed zipper uses up less of the fabric in the seam, so if you wanted to switch it out for an invisible one you’d have to take the seam in more. So it could change the fit and no longer work if it was on the snug side already. It’s not as easy a switch as you’re describing, depending on the construction details.

  2. Shopping for flower pots?

    As the outside plant growing season comes to a close where I live, I realize that I need to up my indoor plant game.

    What are your best (online) sources for inexpensive decorative flower pots?

    Plastic pots are fine, but I’m looking for a variety of sizes, shapes and colors. My local hardware and garden centers seem to be always out of stock.

    • Anonymous

      I feel like my Goodwill always has stuff like this for shockingly little $. I know freelance floral people who do weddings etc. and they only get stuff from GW and their stuff is beautiful.

    • Cb

      I really like IKEA, sometimes they have trendy color ones but I quite like the white ceramic ones. What plants are you getting? I have a Monstera and a fiddle leaf fig, lots of succulents, and a bunch of tradescantia which I’ve propagated.

    • Anonymous

      Marshalls or Home Goods! Usually they have a lot in the spring, now might not necessarily be the best time, but you might get lucky and find some on clearance.

    • Anon

      I get most of mine from local stores but for chains you might try At Home, Home Goods, Wayfair, etc. They all seem to frequently sell the same products, so if you are buying online do a reverse image search. At Home seems to be the cheapest and they have a great selection in store.

  3. wet dog; dog advice generally

    I know it’s lockdown basic b*tch , but we got a puppy and now I’m realizing that OMG it rains all the time in the morning and at what used to be evening rush hour (when I went to the office). I got a raincoat b/c an umbrella doesn’t work when picking up puppy droppings. Also, I have no cool weather waterproof shoes other than a pair of hiking boots, so I now walk the dog in those.

    Hunters, which I thought were a bit over-played and crazy expensive, now seem 100% practical to me now (I’m feeling too thrifty to buy them; maybe Santa will see to that, my guess is with the fuzzy liners for winter where it is wet more than snowy, but the cold is a damp cold). I guess I need to know first if we have ice on sidewalks in the morning but I have a feeling that we generally don’t. Do Hunters run narrow and do you need to size up if you get the fuzzy liners?

    Any other good tips for a new cold/rainy morning dog walker? I did get one of those Elmer Fudd-type hats b/c I don’t have my morning act together again yet and am perpetually taking the dog out with my hair still wet from the shower (he goes out pre-shower, just pees, comes in and eats his breakfast when I eat mine, after I get out of the shower I take him out again; if I were back in the office, I’d crate him and go to work at this point, but I just WFH with him now).

    ALSO: I have a minivan. Since I also have kids, it’s not like the dog makes the car horribly messy, but I’m trying to get him more used to the car and not afraid of it so that we could maybe take him on some trail walks in the woods. Gear recs for that also welcome :)

    If it matters: dog is a giant breed mutt, we think some sort of Newfoundland and maybe Husky or Lab. So giant and also floofy.

    • Anonymous

      Hunters run enormously wide, but the liners do take up some space. I have narrow feet and can sort of keep Hunters from slipping off if I use the liners and wear heavy socks. If you get them tight enough that they don’t fall off, they are not actually that convenient to take on and off.

      Rainboots like Hunters and Bean Boots are terribly slippery on ice. Your waterproof hiking boots are a much safer bet during the winter.

      Our rescue dog is petrified of the car and inevitably vomits unless we give her Cerenia and avoid feeding her for at least 12 hours before a car ride. She drools a ridiculous amount in the car no matter what we do. We have a car seat cover and a door cover to protect against all the ick. The hammock style seat covers don’t work with large dogs. With a minivan, you might have space to crate the dog. If not, get a seat belt harness for everyone’s safety.

      For the floof, I highly recommend the Furminator shedding tool. Brushing our big floofy dog with the Furminator every other day dramatically reduces the amount of fur on our floors, furniture, and clothing.

      • Abby

        Just wanted to chime in – be sure to have your dog use a harness clipped to a seatbelt in the car! If the seatbelt is clipped to a neck collar, it can hurt them if you’re ever in an accident.

    • Veronica Mars

      Personally, I prefer Chooka rain boots, I found them more comfortable than Hunters and they also have a fleece/fur lined version. Not sure if it’s still at Costco but they had the short version for like $25. My local store also had Hunters for $85 in warehouse /$90 something online. I will say, if you’re looking for more weather-proofed shoes for walking your pup, I really like the LL Bean boots that are unlined, I find that they’re very versatile for the seasons. I can wear thinner socks when it’s warmer and thick wool socks when it’s cold/snowing. I used my unlined ones so much I did go ahead and get the fur-lined for true snow situations, and they’ve held up great over the past 5 years. I do like them better than rain boots because I find them grippier– normally you might not need a ton of traction but if your dog is pulling and it’s rainy/sleet/snowing, traction is great to prevent slipping and falling.

    • Panda Bear

      Good for you! Sounds like a lucky puppy. I also have a big floofy dog.

      I love my hunter boots for walking in rain, mud and snow. I never thought of them as particularly slippery in the ice, but I suppose proper hiking boots might be better. I personally like that the hunters are tall, so less of my leg gets wet. They are a bit on the wide side, but I usually just wear them with regular socks, sometimes thick wool socks, and do fine. I also agree that a raincoat and waterproof hat (and/or hood) are superior to an umbrella situation.

      You are smart to get him used to the car. Take him all sorts of places so he doesn’t associate it just with negative things (e.g. rides to the vet). Fitted car seat covers are extremely helpful. The hammock style works fine in the back seat of my sedan, but I am not sure how it would fit into a minivan.

      In the house, door mats help, and keep some old towels near the door so you can wipe off his muddy paws and squeeze out rain water. Consider a doggy raincoat! My dog won’t tolerate them, but we got her as an adult – if you get your puppy accustomed to them now, you might have better luck. Or if your kids are old enough, make them walk him when its raining :)

      And yes, brush brush brush. Again, do it as much as you can now when he is young so he gets used to it. I also take my girl to the groomer every couple of weeks for them to do a really good brushing out. Some groomers always want to do a wash and brush, but my vet always says dogs really don’t need to be washed that often, it can dry their skin out. So find a groomer who is willing to just do a brush out, unless you find that your own brushing routine is enough. Also now is the time to get him used to letting you clip his nails, clean his ears, and brush his teeth! Again, the groomer can do this for you, but if you get him used to having his ears/paws/mouth touched, it makes everyone’s life easier down the road, since many adult dogs don’t like it if they haven’t been accustomed.

      Have fun!

    • pugsnbourbon

      If it’s dark when you’re walking, I highly recommend a headlamp – it makes you more visible and also helps you find and pick up p00p. A reflective leash, light-up armbands, light-up collar, etc. are also good investments.
      Also seconding the Furminator brush.

    • brokentoe

      For you: layers are your friend. Get some Uniqlo underlayers and some fleece tights for under jeans or sweats and you will be plenty warm. Invest in some nice wool socks for your waterproof hiking boots. If you do get snow or ice, get some yak traks – I expect they will be hard to find this winter as everyone will be looking for ways to be outdoors. For the pup: get a raincoat for the dog. It looks doofy, but not having a drenched dog with lots of fur will cut down on the wet dog smell and mess. I am also a big fan of dog boots to keep the mud and snow out of the house. I have two 80 pound Goldendoodles who, once it’s winter, will stand and wait for their boots to go on – also good for protecting tender paws from salt and chemicals. I buy the best ones at dogbooties dot com. Made for sled dogs and with velcro they easy to use. Buy a bunch as nails will eventually wear them out or you might lose one occasionally.

    • anon

      If you have narrow feet, I prefer the Kamik brand of wellies to Hunter. Also, if your feet are small, you can fit into the largest size kids’ hunters (like women’s 7 or smaller). I have the patagonia torrentshell city coat and it is truly waterproof. I find it easier to walk the dog in those and put layers underneath than a winter coat and boots.

    • Trixie

      A happy floofy lucky dog! I live near Boston, and have had two dogs over 30 years so lots of outdoor winter walks. I don’t know where you live, but if there is any snow and ice, be sure to get crampon type attachments for your boots. I use Yak trax, and they are great. I would buy a warm and waterproof bootie, any brand, look at llbean, with vibram soles, and add the Yak Trax as needed. Car rides: pick one spot in the car, and make that Fido’s spot. Fido might get the third bench seat. Get a seat cover–Amazon has lots–and have Fido sit there while you make a phone call, throw some cheerios on the seat for fun, and get adjusted to the car. Then start with short rides. Most dogs adapt well to the car. A dog like yours (Newffie, husky, lab) does not really need outdoor gear. Booties can be helpful in the snow and ice, but my dog hated them. Raincoats–I found it easiest to keep a towel by the back door, the dog is still wet! Feet and paws: I use Musher’s Wax to keep snow from freezing in the pads, but I own no coats or jackets, and only clip my Ruby in the summer. (She is a lab, poodle, golden mix, 60 pounds, high energy and gets lots of walks.) Enjoy your new dog!

    • Coach Laura

      I have dogs and horses in Seattle so I’ve dealt with the rain for a dozen years. Slip on boots are great because I don’t always have time or patience to tie shoelaces at zero dark thirty when I have to go out. I don’t find them too slippery on the driveway and lawn in the snow but if you’re walking around the neighborhood sidewalks in the snow, you may want to use snow boots.

      I recently got Ugg rain boots from Nordstroms- the prior pair lasted 2+ years of 3-4 times use a day. Hunters are good – they have lasted pretty long for me, whereas others have not (sperry, sportsac and other brands didn’t). Costco often has Hunters at a great price point – I saw them last week at my local Costco. Tall original for $90 on the website.

      I also like Australian outback hats for the rain. Some have sheepskin ear muffs built in which are good in the cold.

      LLBean and Orvis have the best car seat covers. Some made for bench seats have a divider so the dog can sit (and dog can use the seatbelt) and a kid/adult can sit next to them and have the hair/wet contained away from the human while protecting the seat. Shouldn’t take much training to have the dog jump up on their side of the car, belt them and their mess in place. It will also protect against dog barf if that happens.

    • anon

      Nordstrom Rack sometimes has Hunter boots on sale.

      We got our dog a booster seat and he clips into the seatbelt, which keeps him restrained (safer and also contains the dog mess).

    • Anonymous

      Lifelong Chicagoan and dogowner, meaning I have a lifetime of experience walking dogs in crap weather. I’ve had my hunter boots for 11 years, they get plenty of use and I have no plans of replacing. The fleece liners are helpful but I still wear thick wool socks if its really cold. Definitely recommend. They occasionally have them at Costco for a deep discount.

  4. Work Totes

    I need a tote bag to hold my 14″ laptop. The bag should have feet and a full length zipper across the top. I would like something in metallic with a detachable shoulder strap.

    I’ve looked EVERYWHERE and I can’t find anything that meets these specs. I’ve looked at the retailers, shopstyle, and amazon. Does anyone have any other suggestions? I like Longchamp, but they don’t have feet.

  5. Planter plant recommendations

    I live in the SEUS and have two doors — one has southern exposure and one has western exposure. For the trio of “filler, spiller, thriller,” does it make sense to put planters together now? And if it is “go to your local garden center,” is that Lowes/HD or the sort of place that landscapers buy plants from (which sometimes sell to the public also)?

    Weather — hot, humid summers, damp winter, long fall/spring were enticements when I moved here but IMO have not been as advertised. RTP area.

    • Anon

      A local garden center is usually an independent nursery, not necessarily a wholesale nursery. You can put together planters at any time of the year. If the weather has recently changed it’s a great time to do it.

      • Anonymous

        Are planters just seasonal plants? Or all perennials just planted together in a planter? I feel like such an apartment-dweller, but I have a balcony where maybe I could try this. Just not sure I can lug plants up the elevator 4x/year if it is seasonal things that die and you throw out.

        • Anon

          They can be annual or perennials. It’s more common to have some annuals mixed in because they have longer bloom times, but you can also plant perennials or a mix.

          • Anon

            Longtime gardener here. I usually do seasonal planters of annuals and leave the perennials or shrubs in their own pots. If you want to group them, just move the pots together. Most perennials go though an ugly period that may or may not be at the same time as your annuals. And many don’t like their roots disturbed. It’s just better in almost every way to keep them separate, unless you’re treating a perennial as an annual (like chrysanthemums are often used.)

            Speaking of chrysanthemums, if you want a pretty combo that lasts a while, get some spring bulbs and fall chrysanthemums. Plant the bulbs a bit deeper than you otherwise would, and mass the chrysanthemums on top of them. You’ll probably pull out the mums just as the bulbs are sprouting so it’s kind of a 2 for 1. You might mix crocuses and daffodils/tulips so you have early bulbs and later bulbs to keep it going.

    • Anonymous

      Look for standalone nuersy/garden center and see what they have to offer. They may have pre-made planters of annuals that you can transfer into a different pots if you wish. Plants often have to be replaced with each season, but you should be able to find color options for most of the year.

    • Anon

      Someone told you a tall tale about spring and fall. Spring and fall in much of the SEUS consists of about two weeks of each, and that’s non-consecutive days. Only slightly joking….

    • Mal

      Hello from Texas! Yes, you can get quite a bit of enjoyment from plants if you get them now up until first hard freeze. Go to a nursery like Calloway’s (somewhere that is just a nursery, not a big box hardware store). They’ll be able to direct you to the plants that will require the least maintenance and those that will survive winter (if that’s what you want), whatever your needs are. Water-wise and native plants are good bets. I have great luck with sweet potato vines, coleus, lantana, and purple heart, to name a few.
      One thing you can do in your pots is pick a hardy “main” plant (maybe an evergreen) that will survive winter, and pick seasonal plants to go around them that you can replace as the weather warms or cools. Good luck!

  6. LaurenB

    Just found out my young adult niece is now a Trumper. Believes all kinds of nonsense, doesn’t want to wear a mask or have her small child wear a mask. And she works as a sales rep in the medical equipment industry and is in and out of hospitals all day long as her job involves aiding doctors in using a specialized piece of equipment! I don’t suffer fools gladly but I’m trying to work on strategies … I’ve already unfollowed her on social media but at one point I’m going to be in a room with her and I know the family will talk/argue politics. My spouse is more zen about this (it’s on his side). Please help with strategies!

    • Anon

      Not your circus, not your monkeys. Feel free to avoid being in the same room as her – especially if she’s not taking the pandemic seriously – but don’t start political arguments at a family meal.

      • Anon

        “[D]on’t start arguments at a family meal.” But why would someone choose to be at a meal with a relative who refuses to mask and is exposed to lots of people? Not me!

        • Anon

          Agreed, I read this more as looking for long-term advice. I agree the pandemic is the perfect excuse to avoid her for now.

        • LaurenB

          She doesn’t refuse to mask in her work (hospital) or around my elderly FIL (her grandfather) but she’s still an anti-masker in general so I don’t trust that she is reliable in other public situations or that she is avoiding parties/bars. But again my concern is less about her masking / my catching it, and more about how I control my emotions around stupidity.

          Did I mention that a more distant relative has said on social media that the plot to kidnap Gov Whitmer was made-up for sympathy? Unfriend!

          • Nesprin

            I’ve found it’s easier to control my time around stupid than my emotions around stupidity.

      • Anon

        It depends on the definition of “small” but some states have mask mandates for kids as young as 2. Under 2, they’re not supposed to wear them, but children over the age of 2 can and should, even if it’s not legally required. My 2 year old wears one all day at daycare and never complains about it. Adults in this country could really take a lesson from toddlers on this. I’m not really sure why a toddler can wear one for 8 hours straight, but an adult finds it difficult to wear one for 30 minutes at the grocery store.

        • another perspective

          My 2yo is also required to wear a mask at daycare. Over the course of 8 hours he probably wears it 4 because the kids don’t wear them outside or when eating. He also licks the mask and consistently pulls it down below his nose or into his mouth (to chew on). To be honest, I think masks on 2yos (or at least my 2yo) are more theater than truly helpful because of the difficulties in getting very small children to wear them correctly for longish periods. Methods like reducing class size and being outside for longer periods are probably more effective at this age.

          • Anon

            Yeah, I agree. Our state requires mask wearing at age 2+ but it seems kind of silly at that age. They wear them a lot of the time at daycare but are still sometimes not wearing them, slobbering on everything and in general spreading germs around. I am a strong advocate of wearing masks but I don’t think they’re doing much for two year olds and if you’re sending a kid to daycare it is pretty evident that they’ll get sick anyway. I wish we followed the WHO guidance.

          • Anon

            The virus is primarily airborne so even if the child is touching the mask more than optimal it’s still likely doing a lot of good. We’ve been back at daycare now for three months with zero illness – not just no COVID, but no cold or stomach bug or anything like that – which is unheard of for us and I have to believe the universal mask-wearing is playing a part in that. I definitely don’t think it’s a silver bullet or anything, but both the CDC and my pediatrician strongly recommend masks for children ages 2 and up and I’m not ready to ignore that guidance.

          • Anonymous

            I agree, and honestly with my 2yo, the point of mask wearing is about practicing the habit and socializing the idea with her – she sees that mom, dad, big brother, and teachers all wear a mask to be good neighbors. It’s not a silver bullet for infection control or anything.

          • Anon

            CDC guidance and state and federal rules trump the WHO in the US, and the CDC says children 2+ should wear a mask.

          • Anon

            CDC guidance isn’t binding (unless you’re somwhere it is) but I think the general point is that Anon like many others is more inclined to follow the WHO advice given how unreliable the CDC has been and recent news stories about the CDC succumbing to political pressure.

          • Anon

            The WHO has made some really terrible decisions with respect to this pandemic too. I understand the CDC is under political pressure from the Trump admin, but that just means I think more critically about their recommendations. I don’t default to the WHO, which has done just as bad a job, if not worse. In this case, I don’t see this as an example of the Trump admin pressuring the CDC (does Trump really care if toddlers wear masks?) so I’m inclined to trust the CDC on this point.

            Fwiw, the WHO guidance has never purported to be specifically for the US or any other country, and given how different the situation is in different countries and how uniquely terrible the US situation is, I’m not sure you can extrapolate worldwide guidance to the US. The suggestion that kids don’t wear masks is more applicable to countries where mask-wearing is more widely adopted, like many Asian countries. If 95% of adults are wearing masks, you can control the pandemic without any kids in masks. But in the US so many adults refuse to wear masks, that there’s much more value in kids wearing them. Especially given the recent information that the mask protects the wearer to some degree.

          • Anon

            I can’t find anywhere on the CDC website where it talks about why masks are recommended for children over two. It says in several places that they are NOT to be used for children under two but no where does it advocate using masks (as far as I can tell for children under 5). The section on childcare centers says that “older children” (no age specified) should wear masks and specifically says the under 2 crowd should not. This is different than the guidance for K-12 which makes clear all children (who are all over 5) should wear masks. The WHO guidance actually goes into more detail about what is recommended for different age brackets for kids and why so on this topic I’m more inclined to follow their advice. In any event, my toddler’s pediatrician recommends not wearing a mask for my child so I’ll listen to her since she actually has my kid’s medical history.

          • Anon

            I was told by our pediatrician that the age 2 rules exists simply because the child is thought to be physically capable of removing the mask themselves at that age, not for any specified medical or disease control reasons.

          • anonshmanon

            You know, it’s pretty clear by now that the world, including most health experts, wasn’t prepared for this virus and had to rapidly adapt to a situation without having complete information. Somehow, the UK and Germany don’t seem to think that the WHO is not trustworthy anymore. This is an American point of view.

          • Anon

            @anonshmanon, I know lots of Europeans who trust their govt leaders over the WHO. Of course, their leaders are better than ours, at least at the federal level. But thinking the WHO botched this pandemic completely is not a uniquely American viewpoint at all.

          • Anon

            I think Taiwan has never felt less regret over not being part of WHO, and it sure looks like they did better than countries who followed WHO advice.

          • Anon

            Taiwan is also a country of islands so they are somewhat unique in their response, why do you hate the WHO so much? Also, why do you not similarly hate the CDC who has also royally mucked this up and has the added overlay of evidence of succumbing to political pressure?

        • Anon.

          Anon at 9:43, I completely agree.

          We had to travel recently overseas (family emergency, not a vacation), and my 4 yr old was double-masked (N95 with cloth mask on top) for most of the 18 hour trip.
          Unlike the stupid people on the other side of the plane aisle who kept pulling their masks down whenever the flight attendants turned their backs.

        • Anonymous

          And we know that the WHO’s recommendations throughout this pandemic have been completely based on science.

          • anonshmanon

            Other developed nations continue to collaborate with the WHO on this crisis and most of the reasons that Donald Trump cited in his letter to the WHO (intent of withdrawal), were shown to stretch the truth or debunked.

          • Anonymous

            The WHO continues to insist that there is no airborne transmission and that kids under 5 should not wear masks. I am not considering the WHO any more credible than the CDC. I am listening directly to the scientists (Linsey Marr, Erin Bromage, etc.).

          • anonshmanon

            Let me google that for you. The WHO actually says that if children under 5 are required to wear masks, ‘a parent or other guardian should be within direct line of sight to supervise the safe use of the mask.’
            They also wrote on July 9 ‘Airborne transmission of the virus can occur in health care settings where specific medical procedures, called aerosol generating procedures, generate very small droplets called aerosols. Some outbreak reports related to indoor crowded spaces have suggested the possibility of aerosol transmission, combined with droplet transmission, for example, during choir practice, in restaurants or in fitness classes.’ and concluded that more study of this subject is needed.

    • Cat

      how imminent is this problem?

      Generally, my strategy on people like this is not to engage at all. You’re not going to change her mind and it will just be ugly. She plops down near you and starts attacking? Oh, your coffee got cold and you’re going to heat it up. You need to use the bathroom. Someone needs help in the kitchen or you need to go on an ingredient run to the grocery store to help. If you still can’t escape… Oh, how interesting she feels that way, guess we’ll have to agree to disagree, and have you seen -insert local interest topic here-?

    • Anon

      Just don’t talk about it. If you can’t change the subject then it’s a great time to play with kids and avoid the conversation. Arguing with family about politics will not be productive in any way and no matter how great your arguments are you will not convince anyone.

    • Ellen

      It’s sad but true. Young people are generally not going to listen to others who are not their own age. Dumb is dumb no matter where and who they support. Your neice can mercifally be described as un-informed. Don’t sweat it b/c Biden will win anyway.

      On a related note, I am watching the Amy Coney Barrett hearing now since the Today show got cut off. So that leads me to wonder how is FLOTUS handling the Corona virus? All we hear about every day is President Trump, but given the liklihood that Malania got the virus from him (or who ever was the superspreader at the Amy Coney Barrett meeting), why have not we heard anything recently about FLOTUSSES’ condition? I know she is staying upstairs in the White House, but seriusly, shouldn’t we get updates on FLOTUS and her condition, since she probably got it from haveing s-x with the commander in chief? I wonder what she is going to do if she will no longer be the FLOTUS next year?

    • Anonymous

      If you are taking the pandemic seriously, why are you attending family gatherings?

      • Anon

        This! Pandemic is a GREAT excuse to avoid those that you normally wouldn’t want to engage with otherwise, especially if they won’t wear masks/follow health advice.

      • Anonymous

        This is a great excuse, but I know some people live with family (Aunt Edna lives with Cousin Sally and Sally’s kids / siblings may visit on the porch for the holidays).

        • Anon

          LaurenB does not indicate she lives with this person, so her visiting other of her husband’s family (or vice versa) is optional. Read the original post, Anonymous at 9:57. I swear, people on this website are difficult just to be difficult some times.

      • LaurenB

        I said “at one point,” not now. In any case, this would be 6-8 people, outside, and socially distanced. That’s not the issue. It’s more how do I control my internal anger at her stupidity. It’s hard to hear things that are just plain incorrect and not let them go unchallenged. You get your own opinion but you don’t get your own facts.

        • Anon

          I have struggled with this with relatives who love to try every “alternative medicine” or “cleanse” there is. “I’m doing this cleanse to cure adrenal fatigue!” A) There is no such thing as adrenal fatigue and B) Drinking lemon water for two days wouldn’t do jack sh*t to cure it if there was. It was like talking to a wall though so good luck.

        • Anon

          True about the fact thing, but again, reason isn’t going to change her mind. The way you control your internal anger at her is to leave if she says something dumb or avoid her entirely. There’s not a healthy numbing strategy to make you not care.

          • Anon

            That’s actually a good idea. Cognitive reframing is an important tool in psychology. It’s been shown to reduce your own road rage if you say to yourself that “the jerk who cut you off” was actually in a situation like “oh, he must be rushing his wife who is in labor to the emergency room. Hope they make it fast!” It decreases your own rage feeling and makes you feel good about doing a “good deed” and “letting them go first.” I imagine that saying “oh poor Susie, it must be so awful to have dementia and think Trump is great” would do the same thing.

        • Anonymous

          Do you have other Trumpers in your life? It seems like you would in your demographic. How have you dealt with them thus far?

          • LaurenB

            Not sure what you mean by “in my demographic.” I live in a blue state and most people I know are Dems; the few in my life who are voting for Trump are not “Trumpers”; they’re low-key about it, wear masks / take Covid seriously, and aren’t pushing conspiracy theories so it’s not really a topic of discussion.

          • Anonymous

            You’re fine with the other Trump voters in your life, so what is the problem here?

        • Anonymous

          In social settings I affirmatives de-engage with something like Emily Post says not to talk politics or religion at dinner, how is your cat? I make a list of totally neutral topics in advance.

          • LaurenB

            I think my real problem is that the rest of h’s family won’t adhere to “no politics please.”

    • Anon

      Just avoid her more to prevent yourself from getting coronavirus than anything. I suggest polite greeting, then avoid being in the same room.

    • Anon

      Honestly, avoid her completely until the pandemic is over/you have a vaccine if you choose to get one, and put her out of your mind. You can’t control her or what she thinks, and she is behaving in risky behavior. This isn’t your problem.

  7. Anon

    So I am 33 and single. I was in LTRs my entire 20s, and I’ve only been single for about 2.5 years in my adult life. I enjoy being single a lot – I love the freedom with my time, space, and a chance to explore and try new things. I do not desperately want children (but in happy LTRs I usually start thinking about it) and can imagine a happy life without children, so it takes some pressure off being single in my 30s. I definitely want to get married but am happy to wait for the right person and in the meantime be open to just dating and meeting people. BUT I am starting to feel a lot of stress about stability and my financial future. Being single is EXPENSIVE and TIME CONSUMING. You don’t split rent. If you don’t have time you have to outsource, also expensive. There’s no sharing of responsibilities. I want to do things like buy a house and build a nest egg and plan retirement. But doing it alone sounds overwhelming. Maybe a simplistic question but I feel overwhelmed – how do single women do this?

    • Ellen

      Hugs. I am singing the same tune, and I am older then you. We do much better if we can find, marry and have children with a decent man, but it is much easier said then done. Most every men I have met in NYC will “date”, but never “mate”, meaning they are more then happy to let you do stuff s-xueally to them (PTOOEY!), but not listen to what you have to say once they have pulled up their pants. DOUBEL FOOEY on men that never talk to us except when we are preparing for s-x. You do NOT want or need a man like that.

      • SO ANON

        Dang it, Ellen! You’re still single? You were having these same issues when I was a single gal in 2010, and now I’m married and both my kids are school age. You might want to move to a new area to find a man and just say FOOEY on NYC!

    • Anon

      You just do it! Buy a house now – if you don’t want to take care of a yard, get a town house or condo. I lived alone in my own house for maybe 10 years and now I’m married with kids. Sure I share responsibilities with my spouse but even living alone I had way, way more time and it seems like more money. I have a bigger house now because I need the space so the mortgage is higher and while my spouse does work, his job is not very lucrative and kids are pretty expensive. It seems scary to do things like purchase a house on your own but once you actually do it, it’s totally manageable.

    • Anonymous

      Roommates. Especially when we were just home to sleep / shower, why not have roommates? Rent is often our largest expense and I aimed to make that as low as possible as long as I could be in a safe location.

      • Anon

        Absolutely, under normal circumstances I’d consider living with a good friend but with WFH it’s impossible. So instead I spend 40% of my take-home in my HCOL city.

        • Anonymous

          I don’t think that the pandemic is going anywhere and that is a lot of $$$. Why not explore it? Couples have to navigate this also, perhaps in a studio (which roommates are unlikely to have as their default living situaiton).

          I had a friend buy a 2BR and have a roommate. Sure, it would be annoying if the roommate had an annoying BF, but not as annoying as paying all of the rent. Eventually, as she moved up in the world, she kept it without a roommate and enjoyed a guest room / home office.

        • NY CPA

          I just got a true 2 bedroom. It’s not an issue. We can each take calls in our own rooms and don’t hear each other. Not sure why you think it is “impossible”. I spend 50% of my net take-home pay (so after 401k contribution) on rent, even WITH a roommate because NYC is just crazy expensive!

          • Brunette+Elle+Woods

            NY CPA, that’s exactly what I do! I put 20% in my 401k, have a car, and live in an amazing 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom with W/D and balcony. My roommate and I get along very well. No issues and I’m spending under maybe $1,800 including utilities.

        • Anon

          I’m not sure why it’s impossible? You’d each presumably have your own bedroom? My single friends who live with roommates are actually having an easier time navigating WFH than my coupled friends who live in studios or one bedrooms right now.

      • Anon

        Agree with this and it amazes me how many people think that living alone is your only “adult” option. Utilities also get cut in half (or a third), and even things like internet and TV are quite expensive.

        I know people who buy condos or houses and rent out a room to friends or roommates they find (and screen very carefully) on the internet.

        • Anon

          +1 I think living with roommates is the more “adult” option to be honest. But I also consider making financially smart choices to be a sign of maturity. Living with roommates when you’re older is very different than sharing a dorm room with someone in college or the three girls one bathroom situation I lived with for years out of college.

          • Anon

            +2 one of my best single friends bought a 3br house when she got divorced, and she always has at least one housemate paying rent.

            She has a dog, and generally prefers a housemate who also has a dog. It works really well for her because she has the master bedroom so doesn’t have to share a bath, and when she travels, so far her housemates have always been willing to care for her dog while she’s gone. I don’t think she’s ever had a really bad housemate in 10+ years.

    • Anon

      Slowly and consistently. While I don’t quite live like a student, I’ve managed to banish any desire to keep up with the Joneses. It’s been a necessity since I left home, as I also don’t have family to act as a backstop in case of an emergency, so it’s entirely on me to support myself. My income has only topped $50k one year of my working life and I own a home, have a nest egg and am on track to not have to work until I die or anywhere close. Health insurance is my big unknown and the reason why I will probably have to work until I’m eligible for Medicare. Being single doesn’t have to be expensive.

      Do all the normal personal finance advice – emergency fund, pay yourself first, etc.

      • anon

        Thanks for your reply. Yes, exactly this. Most of my (even partnered!) friends have received family help for the things like buying a house that turn your financial life into an investment rather than a drain. No such luck for me. I appreciate the confirmation that slow and steady wins the race is a possibility, even solo.

        • anon

          While splitting expenses is nice, I feel like I was making more frugal choices when I was single. My partner is more of a splurger, so by influencing each other, we have arrived at a frugal/splurge balance somewhere in the middle, not as penny pincher as I would be on my own. And have you seen the price of hipster beard wax?

    • Anonymous

      It’s def a bit harder being single than having a partner with similar income but I just do what I have to do- budget, save, and plan. It might take me longer and I might never have the big dream house but I’m doing perfectly fine.

    • Airplane.

      You just do it! You research home maintenance, interest rates, find a realtor, get pre qualified at a great rate for a mortgage. You can rent out an extra room in your house to a roommate. You build equity and that increases your net worth as a single person. Or buy a duplex and rent out the other unit.

    • Anonie

      I don’t want to over-simply things, and I deeply feel for you as I was single my entire adult life until I met my now-fiance. I know first-hand how exhausting it is to make multiple trips from the car to the front door when you’re bringing groceries in (for some reason, this was a real sticking point for me when I was single…I wanted help carrying in my groceries so badly haha) and I realize that the financial limitations are very real. Still, PLEASE don’t let your singleness stop you from beginning to build that nest egg, planning retirement, and buying a house.

      If it’s any encouragement, I was making $32,000 a year in my medium-cost-of-living of city in my very first job out of college back in 2012. I STILL managed to put away 4% of my measly paychecks in retirement. You are not 21 and I can almost guarantee that you are making more than $32,000 a year haha :) You really can do this! Go ahead and begin building the life you want now so that the partner you eventually meet will be an enhancement to your existing life and not some sort of savior.

      • Anonie

        Oh and don’t let singleness deter you from buying a house. I bought a town home in my mid twenties (I want to acknowledge that I had the great privilege of parental help with the down payment) and I rented 2 rooms out to close friends for years. Renting to roommates is good way to build a support system you love while also building equity. Nothing was better than coming home to two of my best friends every day. Now that they have moved out in preparation for my fiance to move in after our wedding, I already miss living with girlfriends.

        And by no means do I intend to make myself sound like a financial guru of any sort. I work in communications, not finance, and I am not nearly as high an earner today at 29 as many of the women on this board. My point is more that, if I can do it…you most certainly can do it. I hope more than anything that this can be encouraging.

      • Anonymous

        I’m not sure I understand. I have more than twice as many groceries to buy since partnering up, so it doesn’t reduce the amount to carry. But it is nice to do it together.

        • Anonie

          Haha I know it’s silly, but all chores (including carrying the groceries in) are so much more pleasant when my fiance can help. Also, he tends to carry 60% – 70% of the bags in, so I end up with the lighter load I dreamed of as a single haha :)

    • The original Scarlett

      Also take advantage of not having obligations to get ahead at work, get a graduate degree or other required education, go for the bigger job so you earn more.

    • Anon for this

      I feel you sister! I’m 32 but also similar life situation with yours re: LTRs. I completely agree that being single is EXPENSIVE and TIME CONSUMING, in many invisible ways.
      A few examples off the top of my head, I could go on and on:
      – oil change, car maintenance stuff: I either spend time waiting at the place, or pay extra money to get a Uber/Lyft to go home or wherever I need to go. I don’t have an SO that can pick me up and we can go run other errands while waiting for the maintenance to be finished
      – house repairs – I’m petite and I’m not super handy, so I have to pay someone to fix things, and I have to foot the entire damn bill myself
      – medical appointments – similar to waiting around for car repairs, I have to drive myself there, or I have to pay money to Uber/Lyft to get a ride home if I can’t drive.
      – grocery shopping, cooking meals – I gotta do all the cooking and cleaning by myself, or spend money to get takeout. No sharing of food costs. (man I miss office-catered lunches)
      – travel – housing costs are just simply more expensive than if you could share a room with someone (even on AirBnB). It adds up when you travel alone and it’s not a business or family related trip.
      – Netflix – if this wasn’t originally your account, now you have to pay for that too, or find a family member/friend who’s nice enough to let you in on their plan
      – cleaning – you get to do ALLLLL the chores yourself! What used to take 2-3 hours with an SO now takes most of a day! Unless you want to spend money for a cleaner (which I do every couple of months because it saves time).

      As for living situation & buying a house – you can do it! I bought a townhouse in my mid-20s, but I live with a housemate to help out financially. I made about 40k a year when I bought my place, so the downpayment was loaned by my family (since I didn’t go to grad school or get married when my culture expected me to). Definitely try to find a housemate, and live below your means to save for a downpayment.

    • Anonymous

      I’m another “if I can do it, you can do it.” I was in nonprofit, only able to put 10% down, but inexplicably found a NYC co-op that let me do it. I was roughly your age. I’ve had some weird life experiences since then, but I have traded up and up in my homes from that first walk up studio. And yes it’s effing hard. Others have said variations of this, but the way I think about, from my perspective making a fraction of what most women on this board make, is that I’m my own secretary, house cleaner, meal prep service, etc. but somehow I really think it’s worth it. “It gets better,” as they say.

    • anonnnn

      For me, it was a combination of being born UMC, having my parents pay for my undergrad, getting a well paying job out of law school, getting a small gift from my parents for a down payment, and living in a LCOL area. I was able to buy my first house as a single 29 year old and my second house as a single 39 year old. My mortgage has never been over $1100 (and is now back under $1000) and is usually about the same as my student loan payment.

      TLDR; I make good money (lawyer), I live in a LCOL, and benefit greatly from being born into privilege.

  8. Q for higher-ed workers

    I think that there are a bunch of people here who work for colleges / in higher ed. Are schools saying to students, “Hey, be careful in the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving so you aren’t a disease vector going home to your older / more vulnerable family members.”?

    I have a feeling that college kids are going to be throwing down as they get ready to head home for Thanksgiving and that we are going to be in for a very rough December. Or like we are one big “hey, let’s get everyone together and watch Sportsball” away from disaster once kids and friends and families are all home.

    [And this isn’t anything but selfish: I’m not worried about dying, but we are horribly short-staffed at work as it is and I realized that if my family gets sick, it will be a well tween child leaving ziplock bags of dry cereal and bottled water at the door of the sick person, because I likely can’t get off work any in our busy season even in perfect times; and if co-workers get sick, I will be left doing the work, and if I get sick, I will likely have to just soldier on from my sickbed. Ugh.]

    • Anon

      The message from admin is that students are always supposed to be careful (and some students have been suspended for breaking the Covid rules), but I don’t know of any messaging specifically revolving around going home for the break (which begins at Thanksgiving for us and many other schools). If you’re the parent in this scenario, your best bet is to ask your child to quarantine in their own room for a minimum of a few days (ideally a week) and then get a negative test before rejoining the family. Most colleges now have a long winter break (Thanksgiving to early/mid-January) so you will still be able to see plenty of your kids even if they quarantine for a week. I have family members with college-age kids and that’s what they did in March, even though the virus was much less widespread then.

    • Anon

      Hey, if your coworkers can take off when they’re sick then so can you, right? Maybe there will be work that doesn’t get done but it seems like that is your management’s problem for not doing an adequate job with staffing.

      • Anonymous

        Ha — It’s a small business (my business), so I have to keep sh*t running or I’ll be out of a job. We’ve got one person out on leave already and the other people are not senior enough to fill that spot (but fill other spots). It’s bad to be a non-fungible part of a small org vs a fungible part of a large one.

        [I feel like if you service backup generators in hurricane season, not that that’s what we do, but the minute you go non-responsive to your customers, they realize that there are other vendors they can go to and it’s unlikely they’d go back; at least, I’m not willing to risk it.]

    • Anonymous

      If someone in your household is sick with COVID, you should not be going to work as there’s such a high chance of spreading it. I, too, think I’m indispensable but I had emergency surgery last year and was out for a week on no notice with major deadlines coming up that week and somehow the world continued spinning.

      • Anon

        I read it as she’d be working from home no matter how sick she was, so no exposure to other people. But I agree, no one is truly indispensable.

      • Anonymous

        That’s great, but some of us only get paid if we work and we don’t get paid if we don’t work (or you rely on tips / commissions, so even if you earn in November, if you don’t work all December, that $ isn’t available for you to make up in January; it is just gone.]All of the headlines re K-shaped recover are bearing out, IMO. It’s not just not getting paid leave. But if you are a person who does contracting work, you take on projects and have deadlines and if it is tied to anything regulatory, those deadlines don’t change b/c you are sick, etc.

    • Anonymous

      On my local NPR this morning, there was a person in a college town out west that said that local cases spiked when their local state U camput re-opened. I would imagine that that will happen in reverse when kids head home for long Nov-Jan break. And from what I have seen so far, I’d imagine some big bashes for the end of the semester — even if your people aren’t like that, communal living (sharing rooms / suite bathrooms / elevators / etc.) gives you at least a medium-risk profile if not a high-risk one, definitely likely to be a higher risk profile of the family they will be returning to.

      • Anon

        Yeah, 70% of my college town’s cases are among students. Which is actually a good thing, I think – people are pleasantly surprised that it hasn’t been spread that much to more vulnerable faculty/staff and people off-campus. But I really worry about what’s going to happen at Thanksgiving when all the students go home.

        • Anonymous

          I think the worry is aptly-placed. If people having babies are making grandparents quaranting before visiting, staying home and getting tested and stuff, people with college kids due to return should be telling their kids this (ditto the colleges): stay home for a week and get tested so we can enjoy Thanksgiving together. Family of college kids are generally 50+ and often interacting with older relatives (who may live in the household or rely on them for shopping, driving, doctor visits, etc.). Don’t let your kids come home and wipe out their families — I see this scenario as the Maine wedding on steroids. :(

        • Anon

          The deaths in my college town that I know about were among service workers in town… people with low wage jobs, poor access to healthcare, statistically more at risk on many dimensions. It makes complete sense but is awful.

          • Anon

            That’s too bad. My town has had an incredibly low death rate and the handful of deaths were all in elderly people who go the virus in the late spring, after the college students went home, so the students aren’t to blame. But I can certainly see how college spread can lead to community spread that kills people.

      • Anon

        I think this was the case in Madison WI correct? The students coming back in the fall contributed a great deal to their current high case rate.

        And also my cousin’s 100+ person wedding in August (facepalm emoji)

  9. Anonymous

    Is Amy Coney Barret wearing a dress from The Fold at her confirmation hearing? I have the same dress in another color, and I’m hoping I can wear it again without bad associations!

    • Anonymous

      To the posters who dissed the ACB dress as likely old because it’s espresso brown, I was doing a bit of online shopping this weekend and espresso is in the mix again with pieces newly introduced for winter.

    • Also anon

      Right!? I love the dress but don’t think I could pull off her incredible poise and grace under pressure. And doing it ALL while being a loving mother to 7 kids? Wouldn’t want people comparing me to her either – impossible standard.

        • Anon

          Because women can’t just love kids and want a big family and a great career: she’s obviously mentally ill and wants to oppress women everywhere. Right.

          • Anon

            No, it’s because women can’t believe men are superior to women, that the government should be able to tell women what they can and can’t do with their own bodies, and that religion comes before law, without oppressing women.

            But yeah, ok, nice dress.

    • pugsnbourbon

      The only memorable items from this admin have been Melania’s “I don’t care” coat and Kellyanne’s bizarre Yankee-Doodle-Dandy inauguration outfit. Avoid both of those and you’re fine.

      • Sloan Sabbith

        Oh god I forgot about her inauguration outfit.

        Melania’s green dress probably also deserves a mention.

    • Anon

      The dress is gorgeous. And the photos are so striking because she stands out in the sea of dark suits.

  10. Anon

    I’m a first-year MBA student who is considering consulting for my post-MBA job, but I’m getting squeamish about the work-life balance. Are there any ladies in consulting here (particularly MBB/Big 4) who can weigh in on what your work-life looks like (noth now and in non-COVID times), and if you’re satisfied with it?

    I’ll be 32 when I graduate. I feel like I might be too old to tolerate that wlb. I’m also assuming I’ll still be single when I graduate, and I worry about fitting in dating with consulting wlb. Am I overreacting?

    • Anon

      People will probably tell you you’re overreacting but I don’t think you are. I have no idea how I would have dated if I’d been single while I was in Big Law – some weeks I pretty much only saw my husband for a couple minutes in the morning – and I think it’s pretty reasonable to want to prioritize dating at age 32, especially if you want kids.

    • Cat

      Not a consultant but frequently work with them, and you’re right to be apprehensive. The lifestyle is similar to Biglaw.

      While I do know people that dated and found spouses during those years, all of them are the super extroverted types who had plenty of social energy left to go out after spending 10-11 hours at work… for me, I am forever grateful I found my husband during school because I have no freaking clue how I would have had the energy to do it during Biglaw.

    • NYNY

      I know a lot of people in my industry – healthcare finance – who moved into industry after 2-3 years of consulting. It’s a good way to gain contacts and experience quickly and make good money to pay down student loans. Is it different for you if you think of it as a short-term role?

      In before times, consultants would generally be on site from Monday-Thursday, then wfh on Friday. I’m not sure what they’re doing now – a lot of zoom, like the rest of us?

      • Anon

        One factor is that I won’t have student loans. Money is nice, but I won’t need to be paying down student loans (which is a traditional thing in favor of consulting).

        I am an introvert, so I won’t be able to go out and socialize after an 11 hour day as the poster above mentioned. I guess I worry I’d be putting the ability to date seriously off until I’m 34 or 35, which doesn’t sound attractive. I also worry that I won’t be able to find an exit opportunity in my city, and don’t like the idea of moving across the country five years. It seems like it might be easier to just go straight to industry and build a life in X city at graduation…

        But, the experience of consulting is highly valued. These are the circles I go in!

        • Aunt Jamesina

          But is that experience highly valued by YOU? You don’t seem very psyched about this option. You get one life, and I’m feel that (given the option) our work lives should serve our personal lives, not the other way around.

        • Anon

          I don’t think you want to be a consultant and I think you should listen to that gut instinct. This sounds like it’s about more than just dating.

    • Anon

      I’m at MBB – won’t have a chance to reply until later today but check back tomorrow and I’ll have given some thoughts.

      • anon

        Hope this isn’t too late for you to see, but wanted to share some thoughts. You could consider trying it for the summer internship, and then assessing whether it’s a fit. Honestly, it’s a lot of hours. I typically work ~75 hours/wk, but only on week days. A given workweek will typically have 1 day that’s ~10-12 hours (Friday usually), and then two-three that are 14-15 and one-two that is 16+ hours. I’m in a part of the business with slightly longer hours but no travel, so others see cases with more like a 60 hour work week, but are gone 2-3 nights per week. I do not make social plans on the weekdays, nor really does anyone on my team. Most team members squeeze in a sleepy AM workout 3-4 weekday mornings per week but otherwise our lives happen on the weekends.

        If you are someone who likes grabbing a drink with friends spontaneously after work or is frustrated not balancing work with life in the span of a given day, it’s probably not a great fit. Dating does seem like it would be tough at my current firm, but people do it. In general, dating works better with someone in a lawyer-finance-doctor career, as they better understand the obligations of the job and there’s no guilt or expectation around free time midweek. When my husband and I started dating we basically just worked together in the evenings and then hung out on the weekends. Do not count on meeting someone at work – while it happens, at the post-MBA level, many people are already in serious relationships.

        I would look seriously at internal consulting groups for large corporations (or internal strategy teams). They often do a similar type of work with way better hours, equally ambitious and smart people, and often no or limited travel. Those are another great option with good pay and great trajectory but much better work life balance.

    • BB

      Former MBB consultant here and someone who currently hires former MBB consultants…the hours are pretty brutal. I’m mid 30s and can’t imagine doing it right now (I was in my 20s when I was there). You do learn a ton very quickly, but get used to lots of travel once it opens back up and easily minimum 10 hour days. On the other hand, you can do it for a year or two then go “in-house” where the hours are much, much better although your pay scale gets much less steep.

      • Anonymous

        This. At BigLaw, everyone was pretty much gone in 2 years and planning an exit from the day they walked in. Honestly, they rely on this with big incoming classes. I was a really senior person as a 4th year and after that, people have the taint of being pushed out if they want to leave, so I’d go in with an exit plan so you get the resume line you want and the right doors open. If you go to a client, they won’t hate you. As long you don’t go to a rival, they will be OK with leaving.

        • Pink

          Goodness that sounds terrible. Ppl are allowed to change their minds and leave whenever they want ya know…

    • anonchicago

      I’m a consultant, recruited out of an MBA program and started with my firm when I was 29. WLB can be a challenge and I’ve been at the brink of burnout multiple times but have gotten better at managing stress and taking time off. I don’t take on everything or try to be perfect, which means I don’t have the best reviews or raises every year, but I am highly regarded and have gotten promoted.

      I met my husband while a consultant and it worked out, but I’ll admit I hid or downplayed my job to many men before him. This is very common. Also, my firm and practice tries hard to retain and promote women so there are a decent amount of mothers, but this is so firm and office dependent. If I was surrounded by men with stay at home wives, I’d probably have left by now.

    • Anon

      I worked at MBB post-MBA, and dating was ok. I often could do a date night on Thurs and usually had weekends off. For me, the challenge emerged because I essentially only had a ‘weekend adventure BF’, so when someone I’d started dating more seriously were discussing moving in together (just after I’d left consulting), my experience was pretty skewed since we’d never done the mundane weeknight stuff together.

    • Anonymous

      I worked at a Big 4 firm right out of college, and I found it telling that some (a lot?) of the dating at the associate/ EM/ AP level happened within the firm. So on the plus side, maybe you’ll meet someone at work? But yeah, dating is really touch (not to mention, friendships are tough) when you’re spending a lot of time on the road and working long hours. It’s not impossible, it’s just slow.

    • Anon

      I’m currently a Big 4 consultant, hired out of MBA. The WLB is definitely tough, especially for dating. A good work friend was able to meet her now fiance primarily because she prioritized getting on a local project to allow for week night dating and was very diligent about putting herself out there until she met someone. There is definitely an expectation that you will work nights, every night, and that has gotten a lot harder for me since I started in my mid-twenties to now in my early thirties. I will likely try to find an internal role with better WLB once I have children since the exit opportunities in my small city are not great for MBAs, but we need to be here for family reasons.

    • Anonymous

      It is exhausting. It’s possible, but at 32 I was married and pregnant and working a post MBB job that only required some travel- and it was too much.

  12. Tween acne

    Daughter hit puberty in lockdown and her formerly prefect skin is now a sea of acne (basic acne — not cystic acne; the whiteheads resolve easily but the blackheads are beyond my power to budge). I have really oily skin and my mom still gets zits (whiteheads mainly, easily dealt with). My husband and his son had cystic acne so bad that they went on Accutane but also needed it in high school, not in 5th grade. Sunscreen this summer really made it worse, but it hasn’t gotten better now that she is inside all day on distance learning.

    At this age, just OTC meds for tween and maybe talk with her pediatrician at her next yearly checkup? Or with this background, do you start with a dermatologist? I could take her to mine.

    • Anon

      What, OTC meds? No. Listen to what your daughter wants and don’t try to give her your own complexes about your own acne history.

      • Anon

        I agree. Also, the way you talk about the whiteheads and backheads makes me think you’re popping her pimples? Please please don’t do that. It can cause scarring.

        • Anonymous

          People don’t pop zits? I’ve never not popped them or squeezed out blackheads. I do it at home, in a bathroom, with clean hands and make sure I keep the area clean. This way, I know they are done and I don’t fiddle with my skin before or after this. I haven’t had a problem with scarring. I’d rather do this at home than walk around with a whitehead about to pop all day — it’s definitely not an office look on an older worker.

          I can see how teens with dirty hands could make a mess by picking though.

          • Vicky Austin

            My thing about zit popping was that a doctor (A! Doctor!) told me not to, and my mom would come right up to my face and do it anyway no matter how much I protested. Please don’t do that.

          • Anonymous

            Wow — I’ve had acne all my life and have gone to PCPs, dermatologists, and cosmetic dermatologists since I was a teen and I’m in my 40s. I’ve had to beg for cortisone injections for the few painful cysts that I’ve had only after hearing of it as an option from my now-husband in my 30s. IDK if my prior providers didn’t care, but even now it’s not something I want to beg for, wait a week to get in, and then have them say “nah, not for this zit” once I get there. I cannot imagine going to a derm for zit popping / extraction is really realistic. This reads so far from my experience that I’m shocked they wrote it — in all the states / cities I’ve lived in this is never offered to me as a treatment option. It might have been good to get, but I swear it was all I could do but get a Retin-A / Finacea Rx and their looks an what a poor vain client when I just didn’t want blemished skin for big presentations or meetings. I’d love to get professionally tended to, but this profession either doesn’t want to do it or really is indifferent to how it can help the suffering of it’s patients.

        • Anon

          I pop my own (whiteheads and blackheads, not cystic acne) and I’ve never had scarring issues, but I think it’s very weird for a mom to pop her daughter’s, especially without her consent.

    • Cat

      Why are you going straight to meds? Can you not start with more ‘fun’ skincare like perhaps buying some masks to do together?

    • Anonymous

      Why are you going straight to meds? Can you not start with more ‘fun’ skincare like perhaps buying some masks to do together?

      • Brunette+Elle+Woods

        Yes, I didn’t realize that benzoyl peroxide bleaches things. My poor towels.

        • Anon

          Target sells sheets and I think towels that are benzoyl peroxide proof. They sell them around the back to school time when they have all the stuff out for college kids moving into dorms.

          But yeah, definitely white towels while you’re using BP.

    • Anon

      If it’s hormonal then most OTC medicine will do nothing. I had horrible cystic acne and all of the topicals and OTC medicine (barring Accutane and birth control) did nothing. I wouldn’t go that route for a tween, maybe start with some acne products like a decent cleanser, BHA/AHA, and moisturizer that might at least help with blackheads. My mom took me to the derm constantly and it wasn’t very helpful. There is evidence that a low-GI diet helps with cystic acne but I would absolutely not put her on a diet, just maybe make grocery choices for everyone. Also FWIW I wish I had never taken Accutane and tried birth control first – I think the doctors were maybe hesitant to use birth control for teen acne but Accutane is not exactly safer and has way more side effects.

      • Anonymous

        None of the BCPs I’ve been on helped my acne. I just have really oily skin. Sunscreens make it worse, but sun damage seems more permanent to me, so I lay off on the Retin A b/w Memorial Day and Labor Day. BCPs were just good for knowing the timing of my period (and being able to skip it) so I could start pre-emptively taking Advil and gaining 5 pounds each time I’d go on it. I don’t have cystic acne, but get zits and blocked pores. I think I’ve good at getting blackheads to release and knowing a zit is ripe to pop, but it is such a judgment call and not for everyone. But no doctor ever offered to help with that despite skin that called out for it in especially in my teens and 20s.

    • go for it

      One of my kids inherited cystic acne…. did the rx creams, rx meds…all of it. Nothing worked (still works) as well as the homeopathic drops called “acne” at the health food store, and 2x daily washing face with alternations of Cetaphil & health food store charcoal soap.

    • Anon

      Dermatologist ASAP. If it is possible to improve her skin, it will help immensely with her self-confidence during a difficult time in life. It will also reduce urges to pick, and likely minimize lifetime scarring. Studies show that the 3 things for which kids are most often bullied are 1) perceived sexual orientation, 2) weight and 3) acne. I’m not suggesting this is acceptable, but simply that you should be aware of this.

      • Z

        I second going right to the dermatologist. I WISH my parents had taken me to the derm when I was a young teen and always picking at my acne. Now as an adult I have a ton of acne scars and will probably be paying for laser treatment for it next year to reduce them.

      • anon

        I was a confident kid with tons of acne, probably because my parent never mentioned the acne or suggested it was a problem. Instead, my parent did the usual things you do to build up a child’s confidence.

        • Anonymous

          My parents never mentioned my acne but I was a teenager who could look in the mirror and compare myself to others, so it bothered me. Plus the acne physically hurt at times, which is hard to ignore. I wish I had a parent who had taken me to a doctor rather than making me feel like I couldn’t openly be worried about it because I was meant to be confident and accepting of myself no matter what.

      • EM84

        Please, take this from someone who had terrible cystic acne well into her mid 30s – take her to dermatologist. You will take acne immediately under control, prevent scarring amd she will understand that in cosmetics, it is the ingredients that count (not fancy packaging, not influencers, not fragrance, not marketing – and I worked in LOreal and pharma companies). Tell her there is nothing wrong with acne, but if left untreated, it can get worse or she may start to pick on it and create scars. My mom tried her best and sent me to derm, but derm was not good. I never felt less confident with acne, bc I understood it is a disease like any other and is being treated.

        • EM84

          One more thing – this is also a good occasion to talk about how our skin has different needs for cleansing and moisturizing at different age. I am a minimalist, but my career gave me oppa to try lots (and I mean lots) of brands/products/treatments. I advocate for gentle skincare: oil/balm to take off make-up and (mineral) sunscreen, followed by gentle gel cleanser (I use Cerave), wash off, lightly tap and apply moistuizer (I recommend Cerave, La Roche, Hada Labo – ideal moisturizer should have combo of hydrating and softening ingredients, no fragrance). Finish with sunscreen for day (I use high SPF, Japanese or EU formulas) or treatment for night (I use Retin A or Azelaic acid). Many ladies here recommended BHAs – these are very good and maybe will be all your daughter needs at this stage (instead of Retin A). Just remember not to combine BHA and Retin A.

        • Anon

          Yeah my dermatologist back in the 90s was awesome for serious issues like cancer but garbage for acne. Every single thing he prescribed made my skin worse! I know they have better products now, but back then, everything was so harsh, and they had no interest in why it was happening in the first place.

          Now I’ve had the opposite problem: a lot of dermatologists know a lot about skincare, but I need to find one who is good with cancer! So I think for acne the odds are better now.

      • Kitten

        YES, this. My parents never did because mine wasn’t “severe” enough. Instead I’ve spent thousands of dollars as an adult getting rid of acne scarring :(

        Derm is probably cheaper if insurance will partially cover, but another option is finding a good aesthetician or medi-spa.

    • Anon

      I had good results using Proactiv in my teens. I did start using prescription meds after law school and ultimately Accutane which finally resolved my acne problems. I do think going to a dermatologist is worthwhile to see if there are any topicals they would recommend. But if not, I think it is worth checking out Proactiv. Good luck!

      • Anonymous

        + 1 for ProActive. Also, switch to mineral sunscreens, the chemical ones clog pores.

    • Anon

      Since it’s puberty related, maybe make sure her hormones are doing okay? I’m not a fan of being fatalist about symptoms that not everyone gets; sure, genetics play a role, but often there’s something that can be done. My doctors were really cavalier about my symptoms when I was a teen when there were actually a lot of things that could have helped with hormone related symptoms (and things that helped a lot more than just prescribing birth control to make it all go away, which is what my lazier doctors ended up doing).

      There are also options other than meds: dermatologists have topicals with niacin and zinc, for example.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Whatever you do don’t let her get that St. Ives apricot scrub.

      I’m sure you’ve already talked to her about puberty. Could you bring up, briefly, that you’ve noticed her skin is changing, give her a gentle face wash and moisturizer that won’t aggravate her skin, and let her know you’re happy to take her to a dermatologist if she wants?

      • New+Here

        OMG. I have vivd memories of using the St. Ives apricot scrub FOLLOWED by Clearsil cleanser (the thick white kind). I thought it was working because “I can feel it working! My skin is tingling!” my skin was screaming, lol. Ah, youth.

    • anne-on

      I would bring her to a dermatologist, but I’d also build her a VERY basic daily routine. Oil or balm cleanser (to take off the sunscreen, grime, whatever), regular cleanser, some form of OTC acid (I’d go with plain old clearasil salicylic acid pads), and a light moisturizer. Also make sure you’re using a sunblock that works for her skin – I’m in my 30’s and have had to go through 8-10 sunblocks before I find one that doesn’t break me out.
      Beautytap is a US based website that sells a lot of kbeauty brands and has a good editorial section about building a routine. I’d go cheap but effective on the cleansers (they just get washed down the drain). My whole family uses the innisfree oil cleanser, and my husband and I (both oily skin) like the CosRX good morning cleanser. The Missha all around safe block sun gel plays nicely with my oily skin and doesn’t break me out. Reddit literally has pages and pages on the merits of different sunblocks for various skin types though.

    • Anonymous

      I would try telehealth with pediatrician or derm, whichever you can get to first. Don’t make her wait for her next checkup.

      While you’re waiting for the appointment, you can have her try Differin. Our ped recommended trying this before going to Rx options.

      Don’t catastrophize and assume that Accutane is the only solution. That stuff has terrible side effects and is only for use in very specific cases. There are many more options than existed when we were teenagers.

    • Mal

      I would take her to your dermatologist. If she hasn’t brought up concern with her skin to you yet (meaning, you’ve just noticed the change and she hasn’t complained) I would phrase it not that her skin has gotten “bad” all of a sudden, but that her skin is changing now that she is growing up, and the derm can help her understand the best way to take care of it in her teens. I know that I appreciated the help during that time of my life.

      • Mal

        Also, in dealing with my adult acne, I’ve realized that he harsh stuff I used as a teen did me no favors. I actually really like Curology’s skincare (cleanser and moisturizer) and think their program would be great for mild/moderate acne. It’s simple, effective, and non-irritating.

        • anne-on

          +1 They really are no-nonsense and integrated very well with the rest of my skincare routine. They also had some great recs for other things to try (spearmint capsules, and sulfur ointment are both great OTC options with very minimal side effects).

    • Thanks, it has pockets!

      I’d recommend getting some Differin, it used to be prescription-only and now it’s, what, $15 at CVS? With a non-medicated cleaner from Biore, and Cetaphil lotion. And for next summer, I’d pick up some Neutrogena Clear Face sunscreen for her face, it really does make a difference in preventing acne.

    • Anon

      Take her to a dermatologist. The derm will probably start her on something mild, which may be over the counter, but it’s good to start that relationship now so that you have a baseline in case she ends up needing something stronger in the future. The other reason to take her is that whatever the dermatologist says will have WAY more weight than whatever mom tells her.

  13. Anon

    I went to a tiny corona-wedding ceremony over the weekend, the first social event of any kind all year. I didn’t stay for the reception, but I wanted to report that even with the best intentions and a lot of education/effort from the couple, things went awry from a safety perspective. People took off their masks for pictures, didn’t wear them correctly, dropped the social distancing “just for the ceremony”, and more. If anyone else is considering going to a wedding or other event, bear that in mind in your decision-making. I did and I’m glad for it.

    • Anonymous

      Was it outdoor? I think we’ve been relying on being outdoors for safety and now that it is getting cooler, I can’t imagine standing around outside in parkas and feel like our skills aren’t sharp enough to be safe inside.

      • Anon

        Yes, it was outdoors at a private residence (I would’ve been a firm no if it wasn’t), but at a few points, it looked more like a mini-Rose Garden ceremony than the wide-open, ample-distancing we were all encouraged to do. Our state is doing pretty well on things now but there were definitely more risks than it sounded like there would be. I’m really glad I made the decision to go based on assuming imperfect adherence.

        • anon

          and honestly, I hope you are quarantining for a while, post-attendance. Presuming you got infected at events like this are the only way to keep them from being spreader events.

          • Anon

            Haha yeah, my whole life is basically quarantine (not kidding when I say this wedding was the one and only social event all year), but planning to be extra vigilant for a week, longer if I hear so much as a rumor that anyone at the wedding had COVID. I will probably go out for walks while wearing a mask and staying very far apart from others and that is it.

      • Anon

        Outdoor isn’t enough.

        Outdoors AND distanced AND masked. It’s not pick one. It’s all three.

        Wedding guest chairs set up side by side violate the distancing requirement.

    • Anon

      This. Why are couples even still having ceremonies larger than themselves/officiant/witness still?!?! I get that you are “over this”–I am too, but must we constantly look at that wedding in Maine that killed 7 people who didn’t even attend. I won’t see my mother over the holidays because she works in a nursing home–I couldn’t live with myself if I brought an infection to a nursing home. You’d think people would think the same of their weddings, but guess not. Must be nice not to care.

        • anon

          I have sympathy for truly small weddings (like immediate family so there are less than 10 people, especially if many of them are already living together anyways) but I have seen an uptake in “small” events that look like they are at least 50 people. I truly don’t get it. Like you’re going to celebrate your anniversary every time knowing you killed grandma?

          • Thanks, it has pockets!

            Right, if my partner and I had a wedding planned for this year we’d definitely scrap it, and replace it with a very small ceremony with just immediate family (6-8 people, max), everyone else on Zoom, outside with masks the whole time, and *maybe* a brief wine and cheese reception before sending everyone home, and we’d have a big party once all this is over.

            There seems to be two kinds of people getting married right now: the people who want to be as safe as possible while still making the day special, and the people who want to have as close to a normal wedding as possible while still technically following local ordinances.

    • Anonymous

      +1. Don’t forget people are humans who make mistakes, forget, are sometimes lazy, etc. No matter how careful you are personally or the best laid plans, there’s always someone unmasked or touching everything and/or poor ventilation etc.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I keep seeing so many acquaintances on social media at “small” weddings with 100 people, indoors, with few masks. Small wonder our state is spiking again. I know by definition a pandemic can’t last forever but boy this one feels like it will.

      • Anon

        If it weren’t so problematic it would be funny. A NYT wedding yesterday described a COVID-19 adjustment where a couple reduced their wedding size from 500 to 200. Seriously.

      • Anon

        Yeah, I’m biased because I had an 80 person wedding in non-pandemic times, but it’s wild to me how many people think a 100-200 person wedding is “small.”

      • LifeScienceMBA

        @pugsnbourbon: You are also in Indiana, right?

        I wonder whether any measures will be taken by the state/counties given that we’ve had record case numbers these last few days (highest since this pandemic began). Ugh.

        • Anon

          Given that the governor moved us to stage 5 when cases were near all-time highs, I doubt it. The only thing I can think of that would change things is if the hospitals get completely overwhelmed.

        • pugsnbourbon

          Yup. I’d finally been thinking that it might be safe to see my family in a neighboring state, but it’s not looking good.

      • CountC

        Same – my IG feed is full of what appear to be full-on before times weddings with very few masks in sight. SIGH.

  14. Anon looking for financial advice

    I recently got a decent raise. I’m now making very comfortable money for someone my age (mid 20s) and living within my means with rent, etc. However, I grew up with parents who are HORRIBLE at finances and money/numbers make my brain hurt (hello, law school). II’m starting to get anxiety because I feel like I’m not doing enough and don’t know where to start. Would it be worth it to speak to someone about getting me on the right track with how much I should be saving, where I should be investing, etc.? I very minimal savings because I had to put myself through unpaid internships in HCOL areas during undergrad/law school, but have “low” law school debt comparatively. Basically….I want to make sure I’m getting this right now to make it easier in the long run. In the DMV if anyone would like to help or recommends anyone! Thank you so much! Always love getting advice from the Hive.

    • Anon

      There are some really good books out there that can help! I’d recommend But First, Save 10, which is aimed at women of your age and has some really simple actionable advice.

      If you’re going to pay someone to talk about this, I’d go with a service like Aptus or The Financial Gym, which help you with goals and principles but don’t manage your money or advocate for specific products.

      • Anon

        +1 to the Financial Gym. I’ve been a member for over a year (my finances were a mess) and I’ve made so much progress. They are really good about looking at what matters to you, as opposed to what is dictated by society, and tailoring everything around that. They also believe in saving while paying down debt which is different than those old school financial book people.

        • Airplane.

          What do you like about it? Are they certified financial planners or doing something that couldn’t be done by calling your fidelity/vanguard person? I took a look at their website and am interested but would love to hear from someone who has used the service.

          • Anon

            Well, first of all they do not push products/funds, etc. They look at your finances in a holistic way. You are assigned a dedicated Financial Trainer who you have check ins with every other week and a quarterly review. Fidelity/Vanguard will focus on more high net worth and fund specific, I feel like. You basically lay out all of your financial details – the good and the bad, there is no judgment. You talk about what’s important to you. Ex: if Travel is more important to you than say owning a home, then they’ll tailor your plan to that. They also work through the “emotional” part of money. Many of us have emotional hangups with money and they will talk through that with you. They create a “plan” which is a budget and goals. They give you tactical steps to take and goals to work toward. For anyone with debt issues or who just doesn’t know what to do or how to do money right, they’re super helpful.

            They are also available for quick help if needed. For example, I needed to get a new car lease. Before deciding which option, I texted her my options and she told me which one would be better for me in the long run. I was also hung up on whether to get an indoor bike. She helped me work through the mental blocks I had on spending the money and showed me how it would work in my plan.

    • Anon in Arlington

      Check into Washington Wealth Advisors in Falls Church, a fee-fiduciary firm. I’ve been working with them foe a few years and highly recommend.

    • Anon

      My biggest question is how much money you have left over after saving for an emergency fund, paying your loans, paying your living expenses, and contributing to a 401k. If you don’t have a lot of money left over after that, you just put money into a retirement account that is indexed to your retirement age and put your savings in a savings account. If you have a lot left over, talk to a financial advisor.

    • Anonymous

      find a fee based fiduciary (certified financial planner or CFP) because by law they are required to give you advice based on your own best interest. they charge a fee based on time, and dont try to sell you things/earn commission from them. you can look them up online. if you are also interested in learning more from media i like the financial diet youtube/instagram, paula pant, jean chatzky, farnoosh torahbi. they all have podcasts or youtube channels or instagram. you can do it!!! you’ll be great with your money!

    • Anonymous

      Read some books like Suze Orman and Get a Financial Life! Once you have retirement and emergency savings on track, look at getting more advice.

  15. anon

    Another WWYD Job posting –

    I’ve been at my current position (Job A) for just over a year. Job A moved me to current location. I like Job A. I WFH for 40 hours a week at flexible hours and make ~95k. This is my first management position.

    A former colleague is trying to poach me for Job B. Job B will pay ~120-130k and is 1-2 managerial levels higher than Job A. It comes with 40 hours of butt-in-seat due to the nature of the work, and a 35 – 40 minute commute (one way). Job B has huge growth potential as it’s the start of a multi decade project. I would need Job B to buy me out of my moving contract with Job A, but that should be negotiable. At least 4 employees from Company A have now moved to Company B because of this sort of opportunity, so I actually have some “support” at the new position, including the poacher who has always been supportive.

    I like the current job I have, but it has very little job growth. I’m worried about leaving a company I’ve only worked at for one year (I’m feeling guilty!) Ideally I would like Job B in one year… or two years, but here it is in my lap and I have a former colleague cheerleader saying I should do it! What do you think?

    • Anon

      Can you move closer to job B? Do you have family considerations (husband, kids) who do not want to move again? Are you single and looking for someone and think that the area with Job B is not conducive to dating? Is the area near Job B horribly expensive? What will your commuting expenses look like – mileage on the car, train/subway, or will you have to pay for parking?

      • anon

        We can’t move. Job B is rural-ish (it’s close to the base, which is not in our city) and moving is a non-starter with husband and kids (frankly, I don’t want to move either!)

        The commute is straight highway and I have my own vehicle. I don’t expect any transport related issues, except cost of gas and my own time.

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t move but I am less focused on career than some and less tolerant of butt-in-seat culture than ever before, especially when paired with a commute.

    • Anonymous

      How would the extra commute and lack of WFH impact the rest of your life? Do you WANT the job growth?

      Do not pass up an opportunity because you’ve been in a job for “only” a year.

      • anon

        DH works from home (this isn’t likely to change) and is responsible for ~70% of school monitoring for our kiddo at home. I suspect I would try to leave early in the morning so I can maximize the afternoon/evening hours with the family. There is some extra work he would need to take on because of it, but he is strongly encouraging me to take the job.

        I do want the job growth! I am comfortable where I am and I am also risk averse. I have some Imposter Syndrome feelings going on with Job B, but I’ve always had that. I want this, I just wish I felt more comfortable going into it. (Also I wish it wasn’t a commute… that’s the logistical hangup I have).

        • Anon

          My life has dramatically improved during the pandemic because I dropped my 60-90 minute commute each way. I can’t even overstate how much. I don’t think I can ever go back to more than a 20-minute commute each way (which is what I used to have and I found it tolerable).

          • Anon.

            This.

            Signed, someone who commuted 70 min one-way pre-pandemic and will be pushing to WFH even if my company decides to open the office again.

    • Anon

      Go for it. I see very little downside, unless the commute is on public transit which would be a big barrier for me during COVID. Leaving a job quickly is not a good habit but fine to do once.

    • Cat

      Have you experienced the commute + butt in seat before? My husband previously had a 50 min one-way commute and he is SOOO much happier in WFH land.

      If you know that atmosphere and don’t mind it, then go for it.

      • anon

        I haven’t, and that is a definite concern of mine. I have always lived 15 minutes from work. I guess I did do a modified commute when both kids were at different schools (work – school 1 – school 2 – home) which was about 40 minutes (or more, depending on how pick ups went), but I only had to do it once a day – DH did the other time. Hmm, good thought.

    • Anon

      Also, is that how much time your commute would take now, or how long it will take once a new normal is established post-vaccine? There are commutes that I might agree are reasonable now, but which would destroy my life if things return to “before” levels of traffic.

    • Serafina

      Do it do it! Don’t feel guilty!
      Leaving a job after one year when a great opportunity comes along is not a big deal. Unless you have a background of job-hopping that you’re trying to overcome, I wouldn’t let this be your concern. There’s no guarantee that you’ll get an opportunity like this in another year or two – and by taking it now, you’ll have gotten so much further ahead in that time.
      You haven’t mentioned some reason why you’d need to prioritize the flexible hours at this point in your life. A 40 min commute really isn’t so bad, and if in a year or two it still bothers you, you can either move to be a little closer, or if you change jobs again in 2-3 years you’ll have so much more experience under your belt.
      I’m hearing from your post that you’re excited, but nervous, and it’s the fear that’s holding you back. It’s okay to be scared, but that’s not a good reason for your decision! You can do this – your former colleague knows you and wants you in the position because he/she knows that you are good. Imagine it’s two years from now, looking back – what will you wish you’d done?
      I’m cheering for you!

  16. Anonymous

    Pre-pandemic, I got facials about 3 times a year. I’m between, I used a cleanser, toner, serum and moisturizer. I now haven’t had a facial in 10+ months and my skin feels rough and… bumpy? It also feels drier than it usually does this time of year. What can I do at home to improve this at home? I’m a total novice and probably too lazy for any 10 step daily routines, but could manage something once a week or so.

    • Anon

      I’m not sure what the ingredients of the products you’re using are, but it sounds like you may need a chemical exfoliant? I once thought my skin was dry when actually it was super moist, it just wasn’t shedding the old dead skin cells very effectively.

      Also, lately I’ve been using a topical with retinal (which is way, way better than retinol for my skin though sadly much more expensive) and not really missing my aesthetician. I’m finding it’s good for using a few times a week, along with a gentle weekly mud mask.

    • anne-on

      I’d google the 50 shades of snail grit method and do that with a sheet mask after. It sounds like you could use your pore cleared, and then some extra hydration.

    • Anon

      None of them. Right now isn’t perfect, but it’s a hell of a lot better than leaving a shitty home life in my late teens, being flat-broke working 2 jobs, living in the trailerhood in my 20s, or making a livable wage, but at 80 hours/week or overnights and in a crappy relationship in my 30s.
      I have time to breathe for the first time in my life in my 40s, some financial security, and a decent employer. Life’s not perfect, but I’m determined to make the best of it.

    • anon

      Try the Dr. Dennis Gross alpha beta universal daily peel. I only use it once a week (sometimes less) but I find it really brightens and smooths my skin whenever it starts to feel the way you’ve described. Also, I know physical exfoliation is controversial in the skincare world but I like to use a gentle scrub or konjac sponge periodically to help with the turnover process.

    • EM84

      If it feels rough and bumpy, I would try BHA peel, I have great experience with Paula’s Choice 2% BHA peel liquid. Just apply few times per week, follow with your moisturizer. I also feel that in cold weather, I need richer formulas, ones that create a barrier between my skin and cold weather. I do not think you need a 10 step routine. Just do the gentle BHA peel and swap your moisturizer or add some second layer of skincare.

    • Anon

      I feel like dry and bumpy means you need some chemical exfoliation – not physical exfoliation like scrubbing cleansers, but something with salicylic acid, glycolic acid, or lactic acid. I currently use Sunday Riley Good Genes once a week for that. I just use it in place of my normal retinoid every Sunday night. (Sunday Riley on Sundays, get it? It’s the only way I remember.)

      For a cheaper option, The Ordinary sells a lactic acid serum that is cheap, but I haven’t personally tried it.

      Also, when you say moisturizer I hope you mean one containing sunscreen, and that you apply enough for the sunscreen to be effective. The #1 most proven effective anti-aging treatment is daily use of sunscreen.

      • Anon

        I’d amend to sunblock. Sunscreen is a nightmare for my skin. But sun protection is essential for sure.

  17. Anonymous

    What stage of your life do you miss the most/wish you could re live or have stayed in forever?

    What are you looking forward to in life – big things, not like the first post pandemic vacation.

    Age 40. Having a hard time finding anything to look forward to – parents are older/family is a chore now; nothing is new and exciting at work; not in an age group where people are super open to new friends or adventures with friends; single. It feels like life is now just about counting money, paying off the mortgage etc.

    • Anon

      We just had a discussion recently about whether people become “less adventurous” in their 30s. I think the consensus was that no, they don’t – they can become less spontaneous (a very different thing), but some people are not adventurous throughout their whole lives and some are the exact opposite. I became friends with an 85-year-old I met on a chairlift. Another skiing friend who’s younger than me (20s) became friends with 5-6 skiers in their 50s-60s, went on a backcountry hut trip with them, and ended up meeting her serious boyfriend (who was in another group) there. You think your life is boring and there’s nothing to look forward to? You have the power to change that. Find some more exciting friends, for starters!

    • Anon

      I’m 35, married with a 2 year old. Minus the pandemic, I feel like things have mostly been getting better all the time and I don’t really want to go back to any previous age. I did really love college, especially my junior year, but I don’t want to go back.

      I’m most looking forward to having a kid who is between the ages of 4 and 10 (? or so). I’m not ready for my kid to grow up and become a snarky tween/teen and definitely not ready for my parents to get old and infirm, but I am ready for more independence and for us to hopefully get to do some of the bucket list travel that we deemed too risky or difficult with a baby/toddler.

    • Anokha

      A friend described the U shaped curve of happiness to me, and I think the lowest tends to be in the forties, when you’re sandwiches between caring for the older and the younger generation. I miss my late 20s, when I was dating (my now husband) and traveling the world and making serious money at the law firm.

    • Anon

      I’ll play.

      Age early 30s.

      I would relive college again in a heartbeat. It was the most amount of freedom with the least amount of true responsibility I have experienced at any stage in my life. Learning for enjoyment and living with friends, hours of free time to be outside or doing whatever I wanted. Weekend trips on a whim bc no chores or house responsibilities and I could explore a new region at my own pace. The delicious afternoon naps. I could wax nostalgic on this subject for ages…

      As for what I’m looking forward to: DH and I are working on starting a family and I am so looking forward to being a mom.

    • Anon

      40, married, 2 kids

      I focus on small things that keep me entertained in the short term. A new cookbook, a happy hour, book club, Halloween stuff, etc. If I focus on big stuff, I just don’t have that much to look forward to. Already married. Done having kids. But the short term stuff is fun.

      I wish I could relive my early 20s. I was frickin’ hot and successful, and I thought I was the ugliest loser on the planet. And I wasted so much time pining after a mediocre man who did not want me. Youth is truly wasted on the young.

      • Anonymous

        Oh man, I agree with this so much. I was so much prettier and fun than I gave myself credit for. I wish I’d realized sooner that the guys I was losing sleep over were just not worth it, and that it wasn’t my fault that they were immature jerks.

    • Anonymous

      If you can’t find any happiness in life the answer is therapy. I’m 40 and don’t share your sense of hopelessness at all.

      • Anonie

        I commented below, but I do think this poster has a point! If you can’t create some of the satisfaction you are hoping for, consider seeing a therapist or a life coach if the idea of therapy seems too scary. Wishing you well!

      • Anon

        I agree. It’s one thing to feel nostalgic for a wonderful time, but another to see no hope for the future.

    • Anon

      Fellow 40-year-old here. I can so relate. I really do not like this age and agree with everything you said. Everything feels like a chore. We’re not young anymore. To a certain extent, we are now living in circumstances of our own creation instead of the endless sense of possibility that animated our youth. It feels so much harder to make a change. Everyone’s time is occupied with kids, career, whatever so it’s harder to find new friends or date. And I am starting to see visible signs of aging that really depress me (I somehow didn’t realize my HANDS would start looking old this early).

      I realized that I needed to reframe the life milestone stuff and create my own, because otherwise life could just feel like a long slog toward death. So I try to remind myself every day that I will die (which sounds depressing but is actually very motivating) so I want to live every day like it’s my last. That means that every single day is going to include some things I love: good food, music, connecting with people I love, time to read, etc. If I let too long go by without those things, my quality of life suffers and life is just too short not to celebrate the small pleasures.

      Then I also think more long-term about what I’ll want to have done when I’m older and what my older self would tell my 40-year-old self. I really picture her, the 60 or 70- or 80-yr old Anon, and I think about what she would say. I hear her saying, “You are not that old! What I wouldn’t give to be 40 again! You still have so much life ahead of you!” and I get inspired. I also hear her saying, “I’m so glad I took that trip, wrote that novel even though I didn’t think I could do it, broke things off with the guy I wasn’t excited about, changed careers, and so on” (obviously the trip reference is pre-pandemic). I have never regretted shaking it up when I listen to my older self and reflect on the current me with nostalgia.

      Listening to that inner voice motivated me to start my own business, publish my long-dormant website, only go on dates I was truly excited about, and minimize time with people who create their own drama. Only good things have come out of it.

      • anon

        I just turned 40 and have had some of these thoughts, though maybe not as extreme as the OP. I like how you’ve reframed this.

    • Monday

      I would not want to go back to any prior stage of my life (I’m 38, divorced, no kids). I have some great memories, but that’s not the same as wanting to relive or stay in those phases.

      Asking what I’m looking forward to is a great question; I hadn’t thought about it. I’d say my niece (and other babies in my life) becoming more of an autonomous person who can have a real relationship with me. Having a larger financial cushion. Doing more professional mentoring. Continuing to feel more comfortable and relaxed in myself, as has been the trend so far in my adulthood. Watching my same-age friends do the same.

      I don’t think that being 40 with nothing major to look forward to is something you should just accept. At 90, maybe.

    • Anonie

      My life has gotten better with age, thus far. Granted, I will be 30 this month and am still relatively young. But my life has gotten better each year since at least 21, despite various setbacks and struggles.

      I sincerely hope you are able to identify things that bring you joy and can pursue more happiness and meaning in life.

    • Anon

      I miss summertime during college when I was surrounded by great friends and interesting people who were always planning their next adventure together. I was carefree and naive about how hard it would be for me and my significant other to build a good income in the future.

      In my mid 30s, I do find life to be a lot more heavy and anxiety ridden now with so much responsibility. It’s easy to focus on the negative and just feel tired.

    • CountC

      Outside of the pandemic, my late 30s and my 40s so far is my favorite. I really have a great life and before my depression, anxiety, and job stressed increased dramatically because of the pandemic, I was really happy. Great friends, love my house, liked my job, feel confident in who I am, travel more, etc.

    • Anon

      I just talked about this with my husband. We have two late teens, one in college and the other a senior in HS. We really miss the early elementary school days. They were so cute. It was so much work but it was so fun, and none of the teen angst and facing being empty nesters.

      When people tell you to enjoy your kids now, this is what they mean.

    • Anonymous

      Age 46 (knocking on the door of 47).

      I would go back to the years between college and law school. I had so much fun and was doing interesting, challenging work for non-profits and government that I cared about. I hadn’t taken on law school debt, so lived frugally but well with little. I had a great work/life balance and loads of options in all aspects of life.

      Fast forward and I never settled down or had children and really struggled for about 12 years in my 20s and 30s. I am okay with that now, and things have turned out fine, it is just not what I would have expected (except maybe the kids part, which was always a “maybe/maybe not” for me).

      I am looking forward to my life in 3-10 years, so my 50s. I am in a relationship that has the potential to be very long-term, I have formed a lot of friendships in the past couple of years, I am in the best physical shape I’ve been in since my 20s and continuing to improve, I have a house that I am making feel like a home, and I am finally on the path to some career success and financial flexibility (though still working to get there — as noted elsewhere, being single is very expensive and being in charge of everything is time-consuming!). If I can keep on this path for the next three years, I think my 50s can be great.

    • Anon

      None of them. I’m 31 with a 2.5 year old and a 5 month old. There’s both struggle (like I’m exhausted after doing the bedtime routine) and joy (the baby smiles or the new words the toddler picks up) every day. I left biglaw for midlaw last year and am reasonably happy with that job for now. Maybe I’ll look for an in house position in the future but options are limited in my town and we won’t move. I’ve been with my spouse for 11 years so I never had any wild adventures in my 20s. I’m looking forward to maybe a third child and then to the time when my kids are between 5 and 10 years old. More independent but still not moody teenagers. I’m also looking forward to future trips/vacations with our friends with or without the kids.

    • Anonymous

      Ooh. I’m 36 with 3 young kids (2/4/7) in COVID times.

      I miss college! I also miss my late 20s when i was a married homeowning DINK with a job that had fun travel and a very generous expense account. We took fun vacations! We stayed up til 4am watching movies or drinking wine or doing DIY home improvement projects. My b**bs looked good. We had a dog and lived on the water.

      I love my kids and I wouldn’t trade them, but I am a lot more tired these days and we live in suburban sprawl for the schools and the commute and spend the weekends at sports practices. I’ve wiped poop that is not my own for the past 7 years.

  18. anon

    I need help with my hair. It’s on the finer side and loose-ish ringlet curls. I just wash and let it air dry, nothing special. I’ve been trying the curly girl method to reduce a bit of the frizz (although not entirely, as I still use a hard water shampoo weekly) and the conditioner I’ve been using seems to leave my hair pretty greasy, unless I dilute it a TON. what do I do about this? I’m probably using the wrong type of conditioner (link below). what should I be doing here? My hair is on the oilier side of average too, so stopping shampooing (hardwater issues aside) hasn’t been tenable

    https://www.amazon.com/SheaMoisture-Coconut-Hibiscus-Shine-Conditioner/dp/B00EUMC62O/ref=sr_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=curly+girl+conditioner&qid=1602513487&sr=8-5

  19. Anon

    Because you all are so great with gift ideas, I need help with a 7th anniversary gift. We usually try to stick with or riff on the traditional gifts theme. Copper or wool is traditional for 7 years but I have no ideas. He doesn’t have a lot of hobbies (we have young kids) other than watching a lot of sports. Likes straight bourbon and beer and smoking meat on the grill. The only thing I’ve thought of is copper mugs for mules but he doesn’t really like to drink those anyway. Any ideas?

  20. Need a gynocologist

    If anyone has one, it would love to hear a recommendation for a gynecologist in northern Virginia who is good with middle-aged-lady issues. I am having various symptoms that need attention, my pcp has struck out, and I would love to find a doctor who wouldn’t consider me an afterthought. TIA for any recs!

  21. Anonymous

    Any gift ideas for my Fancy Friend? She’s turning 40 and sad about it and about the pandemic. Loves wine and travel. Def a fancy person- likes something luxurious. Not skin care. Budget is up to $200, and a want a Thing I can wrap with with a bow.

    • SSJD

      Lovely home fragrance items? I love the Nest products but you could splurge on Jo Malone or other high end candle, soaps, or oils. I have found this to be a lovely indulgence during the pandemic–I love when my home smells good!
      Kitchen items like a beautiful tea kettle or fancy dish (Bloomingdales his nice items. I like Prouna brand. Michael Aram is popular.) Splurge on a fun checkered item from MacKenzie Childs.
      Staub cookware or a luxurious silk/cashmere wrap. I’m coveting gorgeous earrings that will show on Zoom. Moda Operandi has so many good choices!

      • anne-on

        Jo Loves has a very good deal on a sampler set of their perfumes and a voucher to buy your favorite. They also have some lovely christmas candle sets.
        Oooh – I think the liberty london advent calendar is still available, I’d loooove to get one of those as a present.

    • Anon

      I would go with an upgraded every day item – so a cashmere wrap, or a fancy candle set (love Otherland for something that’s not Jo Malone/Diptyque). I would avoid jewelry – it’s so personal, and people are SO picky.

    • Anon

      I think I’m a fancy person and I like wine, travel and luxuries! Things I’d appreciate (I’m more of an experience over thing person but these are Things I would love as gifts):
      -fancy food gift basket
      -wine tasting kits (these have taken off in pandemic times, basically you get to try smaller servings of a bunch of different wines)
      -is she a bath person? A luxury “spa day” kit of some Lush bath bombs, a bottle of wine, high end candle and a super cozy robe
      -fancy slippers or fancy PJs that she might not buy herself
      -those everlasting/preserved roses (e.g., Venus et Fluer)
      -cashmere lined leather gloves if she’s somewhere cold

    • NYNY

      A Meg Cohen cashmere featherweight scarf is luxurious, great for travel (when that’s a thing again), but also great for nesting.

    • Thanks, it has pockets!

      Maybe some Brumate products for wine, wine chips (they’re chips made with cheese, and intended to be paired with wine), and a couple bottles of her favorite wines, if you know what those are. And/or a gift box from Sugarfina with rose and champagne gummies.

  22. Kitchen update

    Are painted white cabinets already going out of style? If so, what’s next? How can I update my 2003 maple-glazed cabinets in a way that doesn’t already look dated? The countertops are ubatuba, and we don’t have the budget to fully replace cabinets or countertops.

    • NY CPA

      I don’t think white cabinets ever go out of style–they’re the essence of “classic” in terms of interior design. However if you want to look more “current”, grey painted cabinets seem to be the thing that is popular at the moment and should look fine with black granite.

      • anon

        +1. White cabinets have had a moment in the past decade, but they really are a classic choice. I personally still like the look of white cabinets + darker granite, even if it isn’t perfectly on-trend. Agree that gray could work. You also could do white uppers + darker lowers.

        • Anon

          +2
          I have a historic house and had to redo the kitchen. I went with subway tile, white cabinets and almost black countertops in order to be consistent with what might have originally been in my kitchen (I was undoing a very bad 1970s-1980s “update”)

    • Anon

      White cabinets are not out of style, but they are also not the most in style. They are a classic kitchen backdrop (although depending on the cut of the cabinet and the gloss finish it skew between french country to super modern) – backsplash and countertop can make white cabinets as in style or out of style as you need them to be. If you don’t see yourself remodeling your again in 10 yrs, go with white cabinets, and update your decor around them.

      I’m seeing a lot of blonde cabinets and grey countertops/flooring or colored cabinets (navy blues, dark greens) as “on trend”

  23. Another pandemic Q

    Planning for the holidays has wrecked me. I feel so caught in the middle between people who are certain their idea is the best. The question at stake is, should some of DH’s family stay with us immediately after flying in from overseas, or do they need to get an AirBnB? DH says we’ll cancel “if things start looking bad” but can’t come up with any benchmarks or metrics for what that means. He told me he would cancel the plans because I’m not comfortable, but then instead what he told them is another round of, “just remember we might have to cancel…” My mom is incensed at the very idea, to the point of very emotional ranting, and this is causing a real rift between us. Other factors, we are TTC, and this plan DH has come up with does not allow any chance to see my family over the holidays. How do I come out of this with my family intact?

    • Anonymous

      You sit down with your husband and figure it out. Logically. You stop listening to other voices. You both talk about your priorities, goals, and risk tolerance. It is hard. Because it is a pandemic. His family should quarantine after travel in an AirBnB. After they do that, they stay with you, and you can see your family.

    • Anon

      You absolutely do not host anyone in your house after flying in from overseas. Of all the pandemic decisions that have kept me up at night, this one would be an absolute no-brainer. If you’re TTC, I wouldn’t even see any family this year.

    • Cb

      Ugh, no, I don’t think you can host people after an overseas flight. And I say this as someone who lives in ocean away from her mom and dad and misses them terribly. This year, it’s just going to be the 3 of us.

    • Anon

      It’s an unpopular opinion here, but I don’t understand why so many people make a distinction between international and domestic airplane travel in terms of covid risk. The US is pretty much the world’s #1 hotspot, save for maybe India, so domestic plane travel is just as risky, if not moreso, than “overseas” plane travel.

      That said, if they can stay in an Airbnb they definitely should. I would not be inclined to see more than a couple people outside my normal bubble for the holiday, and would definitely not mix his family and your family – that’s a recipe for disaster.

      • Anon

        I don’t make the distinction. I wouldn’t host family after a domestic flight either. The only reason I would potentially consider an international flight more risky is because they tend to be longer or to have multiple layovers, but that will depend on the scenario.

    • Anon.

      Agree with not having family stay with you after an overseas flight.

      We went to our home country in Europe this summer (urgent family matters), and rented an AirBnB for a week to quarantine. We did go for walks and met our family outdoors, with distancing and masked. After 5 days, we took a test (offered for free for returning citizens), and when that came back negative, we waited 3 more days and then moved in with family.

    • Vicky Austin

      Woof! I would be incensed if my DH made our holiday plans without any thought to me seeing my family, pandemic or no. Sit down with him and hash out what you want, what’s safe, and where those overlap.

    • Anonymous

      You don’t host anyone in your home who hasn’t strictly quarantined for 2 weeks, international flight or not. End of story.

    • Seventh Sister

      Solidarity. My mom called this morning and had to talk all about Thanksgiving, Christmas, and some other random trips that “of course we’ll be able to take because there will be a vaccine really soon and COVID isn’t a big deal.” Sure mom, 200,000+ in the US dead is”no big deal.” I’m so glad people are doing funerals over Zoom because in America, you can have as many guns as you want but a mask is ruining your freeeeeee-dommmmm. UGH.

      These people need an AirBnB. I had to be pretty firm with my spouse at first over things like holiday plans, but he figured out pretty fast that we weren’t doing every holiday at his parents’ house if he wanted me to attend.

  24. Anon

    I do not understand what is wrong with me. I cannot online date. I fail at it miserably. I have tried everything: going out with men who seem like they’d be exactly my type, going out with men who are nothing like what I think I’d like (because you always hear stories about people who end up with the polar opposite of what they expected to be with). Nothing clicks. Nothing has worked. This is what happens 50% of the time (I’m talking pre-pandemic here): I am into the guy and he is not into me. I feel like we’re having an amazing conversation and then he just ghosts. The other 50% of the time: the guy is very nice but I am not attracted to him in the least. I force myself to go out with him more to give him a chance, and it just gets worse because no attraction forms, I do not want him to touch me, and the poor guy is confused as to why I keep going out with him if I am not interested.

    In my 20s I met men fairly easily just because of our life stage. Now I am older and I basically never meet anyone organically, and online dating just does. not. work. I will have these nice chats with someone for two weeks and then we meet and there is zero chemistry. Yes, I know attraction can grow and it’s not that I’m looking for some model type, because most of the men I’ve had relationships with were not at all conventionally attractive but I was so into them because of their vibe, the way they carried themselves, or some other intangible quality.

    Also, of course there is a pandemic so I am already screening aggressively and it takes forever to screen to the point that I’d even want to meet someone in person for a park date anyway, so I have been out with a grand total of two people since the pandemic started.

    Should I just give up?

    • Monday

      I think what you’re describing is really everyone’s experience of online dating, unless and until it isn’t, when they meet their partner. Absolutely, feel free to quit permanently, or take a break for as long as you want. But you are not “failing at it.” It’s just a needle-in-a-haystack process, and you can opt out any time if it’s not worth it.

      • Anonie

        My comment is in moderation, but I wrote your first line nearly exactly in different words ha :)

      • The original Scarlett

        +1 – it’s absolutely horrible until it isn’t and you’re absolutely allowed to choose to do it or not.

      • Anonymous

        Consider taking a break. I ended up taking a two year break (I went a little overboard!) from online dating after I was ghosted by one too many guys, including one who went MIA after I asked to reschedule our second date because my dad had a heart attack. It was a very necessary reset for me. Met DH on date no 2 after that extended break.

    • Anonie

      Don’t waste 2 or more weeks talking to someone without meeting up. I know that works for some people, but don’t make it your M.O. if it hasn’t been effective for you. Schedule a FaceTime date (much more indicative than texting of a connection) as soon as possible. If that goes well, transition within a week (schedules allowing) to a park meetup, a patio date, or whatever you are most comfortable with during the pandemic. Don’t give yourself time to get emotionally attached to someone you haven’t yet met in person. Also, talk to multiple guys at once until you have been on several successful dates with one OR, better yet, until a guy you likes tell you that he would like to see you exclusively. Talking to multiple men at once might be more time consuming, but it will also help you feel less hurt if one or more ghost. Also, delete your apps any time you start to feel too drained, then rejoin the dating app after a few weeks. Better matches will rise to the top.

      Online/app dating (and any kind of dating, really) doesn’t work until it finally works. At least, that’s how I see it. Sending you warm wishes!

      • Anon

        Thank you! I got into a situation where I had three FaceTime dates with a guy who was visiting family for 3 weeks in another city so there was no way to meet sooner. I really enjoyed chatting with him, but as soon as I met him I just knew it was not going to happen — I got major friend vibes and I felt terrible, like I had led him on. I did enjoy talking to him but there was no way I would want to kiss him, and I’m not sure how I could have known that without meeting in person. You just can’t read people’s vibes until you’re in a physical space with them, I think. But I totally agree, and I probably should be better about focusing on other guys who are more available to meet sooner so I don’t get into this situation again. Every time I end up in a prolonged messaging situation with a guy and finally meet him, I regret it. It has never worked out well for me.

    • Anonymous

      I’m right there with you. I think online dating must be better in some locations than in others, but in my mid-Atlantic city, the men I met online were all from the island of misfit toys. I gave up on online dating a while before the pandemic, but it is literally impossible to meet new people in person these days. When I was younger (I’m 40), people used to tell me that it would happen when I least expected it, and that I should just stay active and involved in things that interest me because inevitably I would meet someone who shares my interests. I’m sad to say that it never happened for me, and I am really at a loss for how to even try to date now.

    • Anonymous

      I hear you. My decision was to stop online dating. It was not working for me then, after I gave it a fair try I drop out. What I have done since them it is “to be in the world”, I mean I force myself to not stay at home and try all the things I like. I have met people (and men) which I connect with and that I like doing my normal life, hobbies.
      I cannot garantee you that will work 100% sure, but, for sure I was not longer wasting my time online to know guys that when I met in person did not work.
      Now with the pandemic is quite difficult “to be in the world” but I am taking this time to take care of myself and my loved ones.

    • Anon

      Stop doing something you clearly don’t enjoy. Delete the apps and give yourself a break. Find something new to focus on.

    • Airplane.

      Stop chatting with someone who TWO WEEKs before meeting him. Dating apps are not “dating” apps they are really meeting apps. after you match and have 2-3 successful back and forth banters, suggest meeting up for a date. If he doesn’t take you up on it, game over move on to the next. Don’t get emotionally invested in guys you haven’t met in person. Of course guys can have “amazing conversations” with you on an app, they have time to craft the perfect funny flirty text, they have an editor, they have convenience to respond to you when they want. None of that means anything unless you meet in person and gauge chemistry, live conversation skills, body language, etc. Listen to some episodes of u up podast with Jared and Jordana – they talk about how to avoid exactly what is happening to you – emotionally invested in someone over text who has not yet shown you he can plan a date and spend time with you enjoyably. I think they call it “believe feet over fingers” as in he uses his feet to walk to your apartment and take you on a date be planned v fingers easily texting at his convenience because he thinks it’s fun to have someone to chat with who is interested in him and is a dating option.

    • Anon

      If you’re attracted to men’s vibes/ in person feel and not their looks, you need to meet them in person as soon as you can. You clearly are developing a preconceived notion of these guys by talking for two weeks and can’t get over it when you meet them. Just use online dating to filter out obviously unsuitable candidates (due to geography, age, axe murderer, base belief system that might be evident in their profile, etc.), and meet in person asap. Obvi with a pandemic this might be better as a video date first. But yeah, online dating isn’t for you because you’re doing part of the dating online as opposed to just meeting online.

      Oh also, maybe check with a therapist that you require guys to be “cool” or “cool nerd” or whatever vibe you need to find them attractive. Life isn’t a Woody Allen movie.

    • Anonymous

      I online dated for a few years. And later on for a few years more. Yes it is not easy. I do think there are things that you can do, or make sure you are doing, that make it easier on yourself. I was not great at these for the vast majority of my online dating. For me it was (1) changing up my profile so that it really did attract the right kind of person for me and (2) eliminating anyone who showed the slightest trace of potential asshole/full of himself asap. Like the “I’m taking over the world!” kind of guy. Not for me, although I rationalized going out with a few of those at first. It’s so easy to have your profile not send quite the right message you want to send. After the last time I really worked on my profile and made it a bit blunter about who I was not interested in dating, but at the same time more interesting/directly about who I am and less a list of resume/favorite foods/books/movies, my dates started getting to be more interesting to me and all of them seemed to be decent people with whom I had a decent conversation, even though we might not hit it off or go on a second date. This made it more fun for me, and I do think this helped me find my person and I really would not have found him any other way. I wish you and everyone else out there the best luck!!

  25. LSC

    Does anyone have a recommendation for a simple raincoat? I am looking for something lightweight, not-too-athletic looking, and durable. I don’t live in a super rainy or cold climate, but I need something!

    • Anon

      I have and LOVE the Levi’s Water Repellent Lightweight Hooded Parka (from Nordstrom). I have the olive and I’ve had it for a few years now, but it’s still available in a lot of colors.

      I get compliments on it all the time, it truly keeps me dry, and it looks like those way more expensive Stutterheims. And it’s only $78. Cannot recommend it enough!

    • Coach Laura

      Eddie Bauer Girl on the Go unlined trench. Hate the name but love the coat. Zip off hood and truly waterproof. Machine washable. Good to go to the office over a work outfit or to a dog park or to an outdoor concert – if all of those things ever happen again.

  26. Anonymous

    Is an Apple Watch worth it? I’ve always worn an analogue watch, but the battery just died again (I’ve worn the same one for several years) so I’m considering a Fitbit/Apple Watch to add in health tracking. I do have an iphone, but don’t like the short battery life of an Apple Watch, though all the reviews I’ve read say that the Apple Watch is the way to go if you already have Apple products. Thoughts?

    • Anonymous

      I got an Apple Watch just for working out and ended up making it my primary watch when I got sick of the constant repairs to my Tag. I honestly don’t use the smartwatch functionality much outside of workouts, but it looks a lot more current than a real watch. At this point a real watch seems old and out of touch to me, even though I’ve always been a watch person.

      It does have to be charged every night.

    • Jeffiner

      I like the health tracking features of the Apple Watch, but honestly my most used watch app is the “Where is my phone” feature. I also like looking at the texts/calls on it to see if I should find my phone and answer immediately, or answer later.

      I didn’t realize the watch had a short battery life. I put it on the charger almost every night, I think I’ve only had it run out on me once on the second day.

  27. anon

    How are you keeping your mind occupied on anything other than the pandemic/election/etc.? I’ve realized that I feel legitimately bored on the weekends. I’m sick and tired of the things that have kept me occupied up to this point: hikes, exercise, going to the park with my kids, reading, occasional TV, baking, cooking. I feel like I am simultaneously exhausted yet understimulated. This weekend, we took the kids to the pumpkin patch, and I don’t see myself doing anything similar anytime soon. We wore masks, but lots of people didn’t. Being so hypervigilant about my surroundings was really tiring and frankly ruined a lot of the fun for me and DH. I took a two-hour nap when we got home.

    • Anon

      I think you need a new challenge that can take place at home away from covidiots. What about knitting/crocheting/crafts or learning an instrument? Something that challenges your mind and that you can see progression in can be really satisfying, much more so than merely reading a book or baking a recipe for the fourth time. I agree that some of my outings have been so exhausting due to the actions of others and that it just makes things easier in some ways to focus on the fun I can have at home.

      • anon

        I do think that I need something that legitimately challenges me (that has zero to do with work). I can’t say that I’m enthused about yarn arts, but perhaps paper crafts might be a way to go.

        • Anon

          Other options off the top of my head could be painting, scrapbooking, charcoal drawings, video editing, genealogy work, origami…you’ll find something! If you can do something fun outdoors like archery or shooting clay pigeons (hey, why not), maybe that would help too.

        • pugsnbourbon

          Try stamp carving or linocut art! Inexpensive to get started and particularly with small stamps, you get payoff quickly. For larger pieces, carving is a nice meditative “in the zone” activity.

        • Anon

          Oh girl, want something you can go down the rabbit hole on? Take up sourdough bread baking.

      • DLC

        I signed up for a drawing class (taught via Zoom) through my community college’s continuing ed program and I have to say it’s done wonders for my mental health. The husband has started taking the kids on a car ride on Saturday afternoons so I can do my homework and I think the combination of mental stimulation and kid free time has been amazing.
        It’s not something I would have had found the time to do pre-COVID, but I’m so glad I’m doing it now.

    • Anon

      For me, my anxiety is fine on weekends when I’m with my kid doing fun stuff (especially for now while it’s still nice enough to be outdoors) but I have terrible anxiety during the workweek. The “solution” has just been terribly decreased productivity, but that’s unsustainable. I really hope it improves after the election, but I fear the post-election chaos and uncertainty will just make it worse.

      Fwiw, I’m not a psychologist but I think there is some value in pushing through anxiety and doing responsible (masked, outdoor) activities even if you don’t find it very fun. I know for me personally the first time I went out in public after the pandemic was really hard, but it gets easier each time. I don’t think it’s optimal to just give into the anxiety and try to hibernate at home.

      • Anon

        Ugh, I’m so so tired of this take that everyone who doesn’t want to get COVID from unmasked public gatherings is just “anxious.” Another week of it and I’ll be as tired of that as I am of the out-of-control pandemic.

        • Anon

          This isn’t a “gathering.” I’ve been more cautious than 95% of people I know, and I never go to large gatherings, only go indoors for essentials like groceries and always wear my mask when I’m outdoors and at all close to others. But being unable to enjoy a trip to the pumpkin patch just because you saw some people who weren’t wearing masks is pretty classic anxiety. Unless you are kissing or hugging these people, they’re not going to give you COVID, and it is not mentally healthy to stay in your own house with no contact with the outside world for a couple of years.

          • Anon

            I disagree. You think everyone who got COVID kissed or hugged someone else? Kids and families at a pumpkin patch are often excited and running around during pumpkin picking time (hello, droplets flying everywhere) and if they’re not wearing masks while waiting in line to pay, you can indeed get COVID. Is the risk sky-high? No. I wouldn’t even consider it high at all. It’s also not zero.

          • Anonymous

            No, avoiding close contact with unmasked people, indoors or outdoors, is NOT anxiety. It is common sense.

          • Anon

            I work in public health and I think zero people have ever contracted Covid from walking by an unmasked person outdoors, yeah. It doesn’t take kissing and hugging, talking for an extended period of time in close proximity can be enough, especially if both people are not wearing masks, but you do not get it from walking by someone at a pumpkin patch. If one person in a large outdoor space could infect people they didn’t interact with, the whole world would have had Covid by now. You see spread at weddings and other outdoor gatherings because people are hugging and have conversations at close range that last for at least a few minutes.

          • Anon

            I feel like I must be the only one who has been straight up sneezed on (as in, droplets all over my face) enough in the before times that I’m not interested in walking past maskless people now.

          • Anon

            I’m also in public health (although not ID). We’ll have to agree to disagree on whether it’s “no risk” to be around others who are unmasked outdoors.

    • anon

      House projects and reading. We also spent a whole weekend camping in a spot with spotty cell service and no data.

    • Anonymous

      I feel exactly the same way as you. The fact that nearly everyone around us, including our extended family, has decided to throw caution to the wind and run around as if they’d never heard of the coronavirus just makes it worse. When we were all in it together and there was a sense of a shared purpose, it was a lot easier to make sacrifices. I am trying to pick some old hobbies back up (knitting, a musical instrument) and have volunteered to co-lead a masked outdoor small group for teens at church. At work, I’m trying to move forward with some big innovations to keep things fresh.

      • PolyD

        I’ve mentioned it before, but I decided to learn how to play the cello. Rented one and am having Zoom lessons.
        So when I get tired of the pandemic and election, I can think about Why the Heck Can’t I just Hit One String with the Bow, and How Will I Ever Learn All the Hand Positions for the Notes??

        It’s a nice distraction.

    • Airplane.

      Getting outdoors. Hiking, nature walks, going to see leaves changing colors. Getting near water because the enormity of an ocean or a lake helps me put things in context.

      I wear my mask, stay away from people outside my household, going to early vote and ignore everything else that is just noise about the election and pandemic

    • Coach Laura

      My friend suggested bridge to me today but also chess – especially if your kids or DH might play with you – learning a new language, reading a whole series like Little Women or Lord of the Rings, writing a short story or novel. If knitting is too hard, how about jewelry making?

      Learn to play guitar or another instrument. Zoom lessons are decent. Guitar is good because it is portable. There are voice coaches who teach on zoom too.

      Someone else said ancestry, and I have researched my family back to Rollo the Viking in the 9th century and my husband’s family back to 1900s Germany and Scotland. Ancestry makes it fun and like a treasure hunt. You can learn about the various countries and history facts and involve your kids if they are interested.

      • Coach Laura

        Forgot to add that the bridge is via zoom with an online program and a teacher. I assume that there is something similar for learning chess.

  28. Kelsey

    Saw people here recommend sex and vanity by kevin kwan. I started it over the weekend and I’m wondering when we are actually going to get to a plot? It seems like a lot of descriptions of over the top lavishness and weird tendency to rattle off each person’s pedigree… does it get better? so disappointed as i loved the crazy rich asians trilogy and the movie.

    • Anonymous

      Nah not really. It’s very light on plot. Not nearly as good as crazy rich Asians.

    • Monday

      There is a plot, but it takes its time. The pedigree thing I took as satire (he does it to himself in the author bio). Enjoy all the diversions along the way, or just quit the book.

    • Anon

      Not really. Pretty much continues in that vain, but even more over-the-top after the wedding. What little plot there is, is totally predictable.

      • Anonymous

        I think the plot is meant to be predictable since it’s a retelling of A Room with a View (and I enjoyed the little references to the merchant-ivory movie version of that!)

    • Anonie

      I am not a fan of his writing in general. I was shocked by how poorly written Crazy Rich Asians was, but I ADORED the movie. Everything that was off-putting about the plot and characters’ dialogue was changed in the movie, which I considered about as perfect (to me) as a rom-com could be. Meanwhile, the book struck me as over-filled with long litanies of name-dropping designer brands and describing in excessive depth how people looked from head to designer-shoe-clad toe.

      Granted, I was an English major and remain a book snob, but am much more forgiving when it comes to intentionally light-hearted movies. Despite my qualms with his writing style, I am very glad Kevin Kwan wrote the series and that Asian leads could be given the rom-com treatment in book and movie form. As a biracial person, I am a huge believer that representation matters.

      • Anon

        I totally agree with everything you said! I did not think the book was well written at all, and the movie was a huge improvement on the book in every way.

      • Anon

        Same!!! I hated the book, could barely get through it, and I adored the movie. Part of it is that the opulence translates better to the screen where you can actually see all that gorgeous clothing and delicious food, but I think the book was just terribly written and the movie scrapped a lot of the really cloying dialogue and added some new scenes. The mah-jong scene in the movie was fantastic, and that was original. The screenwriters of that movie don’t get enough credit, they took really mediocre source material and turned it into gold.

    • yay

      Awesome! I just finished another batch this weekend, and it does help with the anxiety and despair.

  30. Triple Playing.

    Has anyone used an infrared sauna blanket? Considering buying the Higher Dose one. Shape House doesn’t sell theirs. I’m not deluded into thinking it’s going to “de-toxify” me or anything, I just want to know if it feels good when you are in it and afterwards. I’m looking to use it + a meditation app as a 30 minute reset to a stressful workday or cold winter day. Not spending any $ on going out on restaurants and bars or any clothing for outside the house has made me realize I’d like to use that on something at home that can give me some recurring benefits.

    • Anon

      I have never heard of sauna blankets before, but I have a regular electric blanket and let me tell you, it is my absolute favorite thing. I think wrapping up in mine and doing a meditation sounds lovely, but even sitting under it while sipping tea and staring out the window is delightful.

    • RW

      I don’t have one, but Grace Atwood’s reviews have made me consider getting one… similar to reasons you highlight. I’d check out her review, she goes over a lot of different details.

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