Coffee Break: ‘Euro Slide’ Credit Card & Passport Case

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1. Does anyone have advice for figuring out what your countertop is made of? We purchased a home that has a black countertop in the kitchen, and want to know how to care for it properly (aka reseal it, because every water drop leaves a trace), but are clueless as to the type of stone — it appears to have been stained darker from its natural dark gray (judging by sitting on the floor and looking up at the lip) and is cold to the touch. Doubt it’s granite as it’s very smooth and doesn’t have any color variation.

   1. Would your inspector be able to help? Ours gave us his card afterwards and was very clear that although he did not provide recommendations for particular vendors, he was happy to be called in at a later date if we wanted an expert opinion on identifying work that needed to be done.

      1. +1 My home inspector has been a great source of advice for home stuff.

   2. sounds like soapstone- they probably only polished or sealed one side.

      1. The darkening from water sounds like soapstone, but if it’s actually solid black, probably not. My soapstone and all the other slabs I looked at had color variation — not speckles and sparkles like granite, but they do have veins and swirls different grey/green tones. No color variation or veining to me would suggest a man-made material.

         Maybe go to a home improvement store/countertop place and see what it looks most like?

         1. I’ve seen soapstone that actually doesn’t have much variation – especially really old lab benches.

            Could it also be an engineered solid surface material like Corian? Or an engineered material made for lab benches (link to follow)?

   3. I was going to say soapstone also. The watermarks lead me to that conclusion. Try a google image search.

   4. Thanks all — it could definitely be soapstone (it’s not PURE PURE black, but not as “salt and pepper” as granite), especially because it does scratch easily (found out the hard way when husband tried to chop some veggies and left tiny little knife marks). Further investigation forthcoming but thanks for the lead, ladies!

      1. If it’s soapstone there’s no need to seal it. You can either leave it as is or rub it with mineral oil, which will darken it making any watermarks or scratches nearly invisible. The oil needs to be reapplied periodically, particularly if you are using a grease-cutting cleanser. I loved my soapstone counters because they don’t stain, you can rest hot pots directly on top of them and they wear really well. We used to oil them but eventually decided it was too much work and we liked the natural finish as well. If you leave them natural you should be able to gently sand out any scratch marks (obviously make sure it’s soapstone before you try to do this).

   5. Sounds a lot like Formica to me. Water marks, scarring from edges, but very heat and chemical resistant.

2. Serious/crazy question:
   Do you ever wonder if you are a nice person? Is this an insane thing to wonder?

   1. I was a nice person..I tried to be nice to everyone. But I was so unhappy and felt used by people. Now I am not so nice person and I am happy and people respect me.

   2. When I was not a nice person, I didn’t think about it at all. Now that I am nicer (and by nicer I mean more empathetic, sympathetic, respectful, and considerate/kind), I do think about it occasionally. However, it’s usually only something I think about when someone says or does something that causes me to go wait, did I deserve that, was I being nice?

      IMO, being considerate/kind nice is different than being people-pleaser/yes-woman nice. The latter is exhausting and makes you miserable in the end, the former allows you to stay true to yourself but also generally be a nice person to others.

   3. I have to ask, would most men ask themselves this question? Probably not, or maybe once in a blue moon for a fleeting millisecond. Don’t worry about it, just don’t be a jerk, and you do you and you’ll be fine.

      1. See my comment below about “nice person” vs. “good person.” I think a man would occasionally wonder whether he’s a good person. At least, a good man would.

   4. I am not a nice person. I can be thoughtless and blunt, and for a long time I had very little empathy. I’m also extremely logical and sometimes people’s emotional responses to things just confuse me (it never would have occurred to me that X would make someone feel Y). I work on it though and I’m a much nicer person than I used to be. I’ve learned that some people feel Y when X happens and that that’s a very legitimate way to feel, and I try to respond appropriately. I also try to add some “nice” words into my speech. I’ve learned I can be brusque and that adding a smile or a nicer word here and there can make people feel better. (I realize many autistic people “learn” social behavior like this. I’m not autistic. I can read people’s emotions fine. I just am usually surprised by them.) But I don’t think it’s weird to wonder if you’re nice.

      1. This is so interesting to hear. I had always assumed that everyone considered themselves a nice person, and those who are not actually nice are just supremely un-self-aware.

         1. I’m not a nice person. I have little empathy and I know that. I TRY and be more sympathetic and understanding, but people’s actions or seeming stupidity really boggles my mind and it’s something I really struggle with.

   5. I don’t worry so much about being a nice person as I do about being a good person. And a kind person. And yes, I think I am generally good and kind.

      1. Yes! This is the same distinction I make: nice vs kind. Nice can be exhausting, nice also can be incredibly superficial. Kind, however, is what really matters. I’ve told my husband that I’m not so into nice guys, but I wouldn’t be interested in someone who wasn’t kind.

      2. Yup! I am empathetic, generous, and very friendly, but I am also blunt, pretty loud, and have very strong opinions. I definitely do not meet the traditional feminine standard of niceness, and I am totally fine with that.

      3. I like this distinction. No, I don’t think I’m a nice person. Nice people kind of drive me crazy, because they come across (to me) as wishy-washy doormats. I do think I’m generally good and kind, and I make an effort to be considerate and empathetic when the situation calls for it since it does not come naturally to me. But I’m also just, logical, and opinionated and don’t back down when I’m right or lose sleep over conflict.

         1. Now that I am reading other’s descriptions, I would say I am a good person (versus what is being presented as nice) but perhaps not sugary nice. I definitely am opinionated, logical, and I don’t kowtow to people. If you are misstating fact or whatever, I will definitely correct you, although I will not be rude about it.

   6. Not sure I see the difference between nice and good and kind, but i see the difference with a people-pleaser/yes person.

      At the ripe old age of 15, I spent a few months, in a new scenario, being a not nice person. I was extremely selfish. It was a departure from my daily life and I think I reveled in it too much. I hurt people along the way. After that I vowed to never do that again. Yes, I was 15 and that was ages ago, but it was still a life lesson. I try very hard to be a nice person now (well, its not always trying, but you know). Having been a not nice person, I feel better being nice. I could get more into it but I’d out myself I think.

   7. God yes. This is a regular thing for me. I started therapy a couple months ago and went in with 3 items to discuss. We’ve addressed the first issue and now it’s time to talk about this. I can’t wait to hear how my therapist wants to approach this because it’s something that I really suffer over.

      I’m very direct and can have a hard time interacting with women, especially “sweet” ones. I’m literally honest to God scared of interacting with women because I never know when I’m going to say something that will offend them. Nearly all men and some women find me refreshing and genuine, and that’s how I mean to be. I am deeply caring and empathetic, but sometimes I’ll make a statement that seems completely innocuous to me and it starts World War III with one of the “sweet” women.

      I never intend to be ugly, but apparently I can come across as not nice. Like another poster, I’ve had to logically teach myself some behaviors.

      This has caused me so much pain in my life, you have no idea. The people who know me and understand how I’m wired would tell you that I’m deeply caring and loving, and that I AM truly nice, but one of the sweet women I’ve offended? They’d tell you I was Satan incarnate. This has obviously really messed with my self-worth and self-perception, so yes, I regularly wonder if I’m nice.

      1. No, dear. They are insecure and they need therapy. You are fine!

         1. It sounds like some of it may be a sort of cultural difference in communication style as well, not necessarily that one group of women is evil and the other is good. Just like in some cultures it is okay or expected to say something, and in others it is taboo or very rude to say the same thing. It may be worthwhile to understand why other people are perceiving you as rude, even if you ultimately decide not to alter your communication style (and I say this as someone who much prefers straightforward communication to subtle unspoken rules, but have never faced huge amounts of drama because of it.)

      2. You sound very, very much like me! People tend to either love me or hate me, with very few in between. Like you, the “sweet” women who refuse to say anything directly are the absolute toughest for me to deal with

   8. Hmm. I think of myself as generally a nice/kind/good person but don’t spend a great deal of time thinking about it. However, I know that there was a period in my past where I was a jerk, and I cringe to think about it now. When I was a biglaw associate, something about the environment turned me into an insecure, entitled jerk. I can see it most clearly in how I, and others, treated the wait staff at establishments we frequented and those we had power over (the junior associates and paralegals). Truly. It has taken time, but I am back to being a person that *I* like.

      On another note: I do think about this with respect to my young daughter. Do I want to teach her to be “nice”? No, probably not. I do want to teach her to be a good person, but “nice” has a connotation for a girl that I don’t support. I will teach her to be a good person, who is also a bada$$.

   9. I try to be a nice person because I work in an industry where many people are upset and saying something nice can make or break their day. No matter how rushed I am, I also try to smile or quip with service industry folks because I know that they feel invisible sometimes. I guess I’m a big fan of paying it forward. If I’m nice to someone, they’re more likely to be nice to the next person, etc. That being said, I don’t let people take advantage of me and do stand up for myself when they try.

   10. I am a loving and compassionate person. But I am not always nice. And people who sacrifice themselves to be nice annoy me. As an example, I don’t think you are a “good” or “nice” mother if you don’t spend time and money on make-up and hair because you are so busy sacrificing for your kids. I mean, don’t wear make-up if you don’t want to, but don’t wear it as a badge of honor! (See, me not being nice).

       1. That example honestly makes no sense to me. I don’t get how makeup or not is at all related to niceness or not.

          1. It is an example of nicely sacrificing for your child. I see women who are “oh so busy” taking care of their children that they don’t have time for “selfish” things like make-up, etc. I am not judging women who don’t wear make-up. I am suggesting that for some women, it is martyrdom.

          2. Late to the party and not the person you responded to but – when I was single with no kids, I once went to brunch with friends including a friend of a friend, FOF’s husband, and their 2 small kids. FOF condescendingly told me how nice it must be to have SO MUCH free time to be able to apply SO MUCH makeup. I was wearing my normal work makeup, which takes 10 minutes to apply. Look I get that having 2 kids in diapers is hard. And if you don’t want to wear makeup then good on you. But let’s not put down a random woman you’re meeting for the first time because you refuse to hand off the kids to your husband for 10 minutes before Sunday brunch. That’s not being nice to your husband or kids, that’s looking for an excuse to be a martyr.

3. How do you ladies handle vacation days? Do you plan out the year and vacations at the beginning of the year or take vacations on an ad hoc basis? For the first time in a long time, I am in a job that I plan on staying in for a long while. I get 25 vacation days a year and a handful of sick days. We can only carry 5 vacation days from year to year, so no ability and no need (no maternity leave!) to stock pile vacation days. Thoughts on how best to approach this? In my past jobs, actually taking all your vacation days was frowned upon, so this is a new world to me!

   1. I typically take a summer trip and I like to take extra time off around the winter holidays, so I plan accordingly. I also keep a few extra days available when I just want to make a long weekend, or a last-minute good deal comes up or something like that.

   2. Ugh, I’m so jealous of the 25 days! I have 15 days and plan them religiously in advance. I usually try to do one 2-week trip and 1-week trip or three 1-week trips per year. Those trips are international or very exciting and hard to reach domestic destinations like Alaska. I save most domestic cities for holiday weekend trips, and I almost never take time off for weddings (I’ve flown to a lot of Saturday weddings on a Friday night red-eye and then back home Sunday morning right after brunch). If I had 25 days I would probably take more long weekends for domestic travel, although if my employer really didn’t have a problem with 2-week trips I would definitely do more of those.

   3. I have a hybrid approach. Plan out major trip(s), maybe take a few ad hoc long weekends (sometimes as an add on to a company holiday) and then anything leftover usually goes towards that week between Christmas and New Years.

      1. This is what we do. Plan on one big trip (1.5-2 weeks) around spring/summer, a few days for Christmas, and add in various days for things that sound fun as they come up. my husband is always thinking up trips we should take so they get planned out a few months in advance. I don’t expect to wind up with many days unaccounted for.

   4. I only get 10 vacation days right now (sick leave is a separate category). I don’t plan out the whole year, but that’s because I am single and childless and I mostly do what I want.

      I save several days to be utilized for half-day travel days (to lengthen the weekend for a short trip), and then take a more traditional vacation four to five day trip. I usually try to build my vacation into a weekend where we have a company holiday to maximize my time.

      Our FY is not a calendar year and we can’t roll any over. As a group, one of us always has to be here (there are three contracts folks for the BU), so I tend to canvas when my boss and my colleague with children are scheduling their vacations and plan around that. It’s never stopped me from doing what I want, but if your department/office has similar needs, you should figure out how concurrent vacations are managed.

   5. Jealous of 25 vacation days! We get 3 weeks (so 15 days) and can’t roll over unused days. I usually allocate a week for a big trip (but don’t necessarily plan when it will be in the year), a week for going home for thanksgiving and christmas (depends on where christmas falls in the week, but usually I take the wednesday before thanksgiving off and my office is closed the friday after thanksgiving, then I use 3-4 days around Christmas, plus we get christmas eve and christmass off, to make a week off at Christmas/New Year’s), and then the remaining 5 days get scattered around (usually for a long weekend to go to a wedding, or if I need to go to a funeral out of town, or I just need a day off to take care of personal errands I haven’t had time for, etc).

      1. I am jelous also. I technically can get 5 week’s off, but in PRACTICAL terms, I can NOT take it b/c the manageing partner ALWAYS has me busy with cleint’s and if not cleint’s, then preparing CLEs for him to give, and if not that, then haveing to go out with the Judge or some of the manageing partner’s other freind’s, whether or not it is billeable. Lateley, I have had to go out with cleint’s but the manageing partner will not let me bill the time. But HE get’s to bill the time b/c the cleint’s have NOT requested the meeting and dinners. I can NOT understand this logic. Does any one in the HIVE understand this? FOOEY!

   6. My job has us put in our vacation requests 6 months in advance, so twice a year I’m told I need to put in my requests. We have a number of ‘black-out weeks’ where you can’t take time, but I generally block off a week in the summer and a number of add-on days to lengthen 3 day weekends into 4 or 5 day mini-vacations.

      I also really like to take random Fridays off during the summer… no real rhyme or reason, but it’s pretty awesome to realize on a Wednesday, ‘Hey! I have Friday off!’ It’s past-Clementine’s gift to future-Clementine.

      I actually like to work around the holidays… Everyone is out, so I get TONS of work done. It also lets my co-workers take these days off.

   7. I have a child, so if I get the job in Europe I’m hoping for, I’d stretch my standard 25 vacation days out to fit his school vacations–short trips of one week each for fall, winter, and spring vacations, then a longer one in the summer. He’d have to fend for himself for a week once we got home each time, but he is big enough.

      1. still looking for that elusive ‘job in Europe’ I see…

         1. I highly doubt you know who this is. Does your catty remark earlier feel good to you?

         2. What a weird comment! (to Anon at 3:34)

      2. When I used to work in Europe, I remember a colleague taking her vacation for two years back to back–end of one year, beginning of the next. She took a fantastic trip through Asia and to Australia. Needed lots of special permissions, but she said it was worth it.

   8. I onley wish I could take all of my vacation days. I am technicealy given 4 week’s vacation (20 days), but I have NEVER gotten to take all of them b/c I have a 7500+ billing requirement that the manageing partner makes me do. He also gives’ me a bonus for hours in excess of 7500, so to be frank, I onley took 9 days last year, and he paid me a bonus of over $100,000 for my extra hours. I think that was fair, so I will ask for the bonus again, assumeing I have enough work to bill between 7500 and 8500 hours, I will be eliegible for the bonus on the execess over 7500 hours.

      If he did NOT do this, I would go on vacation to San Francisco, and go to the COIT Tower, and to Fisher Mans Warf, and eat in the Italian North End! YUMMY! Does anyone in the HIVE work in San Francisco? If so, they should recomend new places, as the downtown has got alot better since the Internet nerds have taken over. YAY!!

   9. I only get 15 days of vacation, so your 25 sounds heavenly to me! My husband and I normally aim for one big international 2-week vacation each year, where I use anywhere from 8-10 of my days. I normally put that on our team vacation calendar a few months in advance. I then save my remaining days for ad-hoc time off throughout the year, normally to extend a weekend out by a day or two to go visit friends or for a wedding/concert/etc. I’ll also try to save 2 days or so for the holidays.

   10. When I worked at a job where I was required to take all my vacation or lose it, I would always schedule vacations as options came up (I was single and travelled sometimes with family, sometimes with friends, sometimes on my own to visit family or friends) and then I would use up the remaining days by taking off random Mondays or Fridays to get a few 3-day weekends, just to have extra time off and a few free weekdays to take care of errands or do something fun.

   11. So I do not know how many vacation days I get. But I took 8 personal days last year and was out for work related trips (some built in fun) for about 10 days (golf outings, out of town conventions, etc.).

       I can tell you I am burnt out as h@ll but I have no money to really go anywhere as this was a get out of consumer debt year. And I did it! And I purged my closet and haven’t really shopped for anything I do not need.

       Around my small firm (10 attorney, ~30 staff) I know they only start counting, when they think one person is taking one too many days. Then it becomes a contest. Mike took another day!? I am taking Monday off then.

       2014 I took a two week vacation, a one week vacation, a mid week vacation, and about 3 or 4 long weekends for weddings. It’s sort of nice that it’s the perception but it’s also exhausting being the one here left for all the emergencies.

       I have 13.5 days planned this year for 2 weddings and a family reunion and I will probably take one more long weekend. Then, next year…. the beach for a week.

   12. I get 15 days and we are closed between Christmas & New Years and that doesn’t count toward my vacation days.

       We usually do a one week vacation in the summer and the rest of the days I use ad hoc. I’m taking 2 days off to make Easter weekend a 5 day weekend. I took a day off last week so we could go skiing. I’ll take another day in July to go to the Stampede with my family. This summer we planned our vacation to take advantage of an August long weekend stat holiday. I usually end up with 2 or 3 days to use in December which is really nice for Christmas prep.

       I’m very jealous of my Dh though. He gets 3 weeks (15 days) plus another 10 days that have to be taken mid Dec to mid Jan. Plus he gets a flex day per month (except Dec) that must be taken on Monday or Friday. He’s an instructional designer at a local polytechnic. Oh, and I think he also has 6 sick days a year. Maybe more.

   13. I try to book 2/3rds very early based on plans I’ve already made, and then take additional days as they are required and then take anything left during Christmas.

       I get 25 days also and the one year that I didn’t follow this I ended up with no holiday until the end of August and then trying to fit it all into 4.5 months.

4. I know 6 pm is a discount site, but the thing I want to give my sister is still a little over budget. Do they have sales, and is there likely to be one before the end of the month?

   1. They don’t typically do % off sales often, so I wouldn’t wait for that. They will however drop the price and do markdowns occasionally. You could wait and see if it drops, or order now and if it drops, call customer service and ask for a price adjustment.

   2. Did you check Amazon? Sometimes some pieces are really cheap on amazon.

      1. + 6pm sells through Amazon with free shipping and free returns (if you buy from 6pm, you have to pay for return shipping).

   3. I have only gotten 6PM discount codes a couple times a year. I recently got an ad for a mystery coupon but it has expired. Try googling the item and see if it pops up anywhere else cheaper (like Amazon or Macy’s with a coupon).

   4. Prices on specific items on 6pm aren’t static either. So if you wait around for a code, the item may increase in the meantime. Or it may decrease. I haven’t exactly figured out the method.

5. What’s the etiquette if you’re meeting someone and you’re not sure whether they’re permitted for religious reasons to shake your hand? I k now we had a discussion about this before when someone had a client who couldn’t shake her hand for religious reasons, but that (I think) was more about whether that was okay. This morning I met with a group of men from a Muslim country. They all shook hands with my male colleague but then one bowed to me instead of shaking and so I wasn’t sure about offering my hand to the other men and we all kind of nodded awkwardly at each other. I realize some people may feel that they should not treat me differently because I’m a woman, but I was very happy to accommodate them. I’m just not sure how to figure it out. The guy may have just felt like it was too far to reach across the table to shake and so bowed instead. It seems like it would be awkward in the moment to say “are you okay with shaking my hand” but since it is traditionally on the woman to offer her hand (although that’s old fashioned) I don’t want to offer my hand if it would put the offeree in an uncomfortable position. Is there any way to do this gracefully? (Fwiw, I think the poster who asked about the client before felt the client also ignored her and otherwise snubbed her. This group did nothing of the kind and were very respectful in every way. Ugh, I also worry about making assumptions about them because they come from a Muslim country! I don’t want to not offer my hand if they’re like “look, we’re international businessmen and we have no issues with dealing with women so don’t make assumptions about us”). What’s the protocol?

   1. So, this isn’t a perfect system, but:

      If I’m on their turf, I observe their social etiquette conventions.

      If they’re on my turf, I observe the normal conventions of my region.

      In general, just be polite, courteous, and professional.

   2. Offer your hand. If they can’t/don’t want to take it for religious or other reasons, it’s on them to speak up. In fact, if you’re in a position to do so, offer your hand first (before your male colleague) so that if they can’t/don’t want to shake your hand, then your male colleague can also skip the handshakes.

      1. I agree! If they don’t shake women’s hands, they’ve dealt with it a ton more times than you have. But really, it is an extremely tiny minority of Muslim men who won’t shake a woman’s hand in a business context, in my experience.
         Btw, for a really awkward “what to do with our hands” moment, check out Obama and R Castro today!

6. How do you find stress affects your body? And how do you reconcile health and a demanding job?

   I’ve been busy at work, and admittedly not eating as well and working out, but I’ve gained 10 lbs in the last 3 weeks, which seems like a lot. It’s pretty normal for me to pack in on when I’m stressed, I think I just don’t react well to it. But my job is demanding, and I love it.

   I just don’t think my job is good for my health.

   1. Stress has terrible affects on your body. The visible ones aren’t even the worst ones! But yes…. weight gain and sleep disruption are very common. Increased alcohol use is common. Having higher levels of stress hormones circulating have long term bad effects on your brain (thinking, risk of dementia long term). Never mind the increased blood pressure. And for some people, stress cause many acute body symptoms like headaches, upset stomach, diarrhea/bowel changes, chest pain and more.

      And it makes you depressed/anxious. Yuk.

      Stress is just…. awful for you.

      1. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve found meditation to be helpful in handling and reducing stress. Spending 15 minutes a day in a quiet space, deep breathing with an unfocused mind has done wonders as well as lowering my BP. It’s worth looking at

   2. http://www.thereallife-rd.com/2015/10/adrenalfatigueandweightgain/

      And anything else she’s written under the “stress” tag.

      1. I love her blog! She just seems like the kindest and most genuine person

         1. She is hands down one of the most caring, kind, and empathetic humans I’ve ever been blessed to interact with, even from our limited acquaintance. Her approach to life + food is such a beacon of sanity in a world of madness (plus she is actually you know, medically qualified to make statements about diet). Whenever I’m feeling down about food, exercise, or my body, I read a few posts and it is always what my soul needs to get back on track.

   3. I routinely get an eye twitch when I’m overwhelmed. Usually it’s my right eye, but for the past few weeks, it’s been my left. Super fun!

      1. The eye twitch thing happens to me too, mostly when I’m not getting enough sleep.

      2. My eye twitching correlates directly to increased blood pressure and/or over caffeination. My mother gets it to the point where the tiny blood vessels in her eye burst, which is horrifying looking, so I’m trying to manage my stress to not get to that point.

   4. I break out in a fun rash on my hands called dyshidrotic eczema (google it if you like gross pictures). Tiny, itchy blisters on my hands that eventually pop and become sore scabs. For some reason I always react to stress physically even if I might not feel that stressed out.

      1. Hey. I am so stressed out I didn’t even know what that rash is called! But I get that.

         1. See your doctor, mine gave me an amazing RX cream that totally gets rid of it.

      2. This happens to me too but it seems to be more correlated to heat than stress.

   5. I clench my jaw but don’t realize it at the time. I realize it later when my jaw is sore or I get a headache.

      I do my best to get 7 hours of sleep or make up what I can on the weekend. I also read and like to light a candle to try and de-stress. I’m not great at managing it though because I think a lot of it is par for the course for my job.

   6. Ulcer, shingles, and cluster headaches are the unholy trinity that tell me it’s time to slow the eff down. If I’m super stressed its because work is slamming. And if work is slamming, I’m probably not paying much attention to my body until the unholy trinity show up. Over the years, I’ve learned to slow me down without slowing my work down. Yoga, breathing exercises, eating only fruits, vegetables and actual whole grains (i.e. Wheat berries not whole wheat pasta), drinking lots of water and staying first organized and then in the moment, at work and at home are what works for me fairly well most of the time.

   7. Take a few walks around the building in the morning and afternoon! At least two a day!

   8. Crazy blood pressure and insomnia. I medicate and exercise. If I get into an insomnia-exhaustion-no exercise cycle, things get dark, so I make sure to make time to do things I actually enjoy on a daily basis (if no running, I make sure to enjoy music, puzzles, reading). I try to make sure to do this even for a little bit each day, just to remind myself that I enjoy my life outside of these crappy situations.

7. Has anyone been to Anse Chastnet in St. Lucia recently? I was there for my honeymoon about 10 years ago and we’re thinking of going back. Any other recommendations for St. Lucia? I was so tired after the wedding that we just lay on the beach all week and would like to see more of the island if we go back.

8. I am in a serious relationship with a jewish man who is the son of holocaust survivors. We are serious and starting to talk marriage. He is not particularly observant but very much wants to raise his children jewish to continue on the faith.

   I was raised Catholic and am agnostic – leaning heavily to atheist. He would be thrilled if I converted but that is not a deal breaker for him or his family.

   I am just starting to think seriously about what it would mean to raise jewish children and if I could ever consider converting.

   I can’t imagine myself having a strong faith in g-d and worry that converting to a religion that I don’t truly believe in would somehow be insulting to the religion or cheapen it? I stopped accepting communion at Church many years ago for similar reasons (although I happily attend with my family when I visit out of respect). I didn’t want to cheapen what communion means to my family by participating in something sacred when it does not have that meaning for me.

   Any thoughts from those in interfaith relationships or those who converted for a marriage?

   1. Not sure if this helps but it’s my personal belief that there is one God and different cultures have developed practices of worshiping the higher power in different but equally valid ways. You can be spiritual and ‘convert’ if you want to or just allow your children to be raised in that faith. The main thing that matters is that you are aligned in the views you have, not the form in which you wish to express them. You will need to learn about Judaism to determine if it is for you – because much like Christianity, it has a huge spectrum of practices and views.

      Signed – pro gay marriage/pro choice Episcopalian who regularly practices yoga and is married to a Catholic but who did not convert as I do not support ‘Catholic church’ but did allow my children to be baptized in both churches because it was important to my husband but would not allow my children to attend Catholic school.

      1. I hold the same belief and was pleasantly surprised to see it stated on a message board! And then I looked at the signature and understood ;)

         Signed,
         Pro gay marriage, pro choice Episcopalian who loves the Jesuits and eastern thought :)

         1. +1

         2. WE ARE EVERYWHERE.

            -Yet another gay-loving, lady-priest-having, pro-choice Episcopalian (who is deeply devoted to the Virgin Mary, loves smells and bells, and marched with her parish in support of gay marriage).

      2. Agreed. Especially since my Jewish lines are deeper than my Catholic ones (sudden family conversion in the early 40s in Eastern Europe). My faith revolves more around the type of person I want to be and not a label.

   2. Is converting to Reform Judaism an option? If the biggest thing for him is the cultural connection, that might be a good option. Many if not most Reform Jews are agnostic so you would not have to be secretive about your lack of faith. Some (but definitely not all) Reform rabbis will perform Jewish weddings for interfaith couples and many Reform temples will welcome interfaith families and will consider children of non-Jewish mothers to be Jewish if they are being raised Jewish, even if their mother did not formally convert. I am less familiar with the Conservative and Orthodox movements but imagine that converting without a belief in G-d would be more complicated, at least internally.
      FWIW, no personal experience with conversion but I’m the child of an agnostic Jewish father and agnostic but culturally Christian mother who was raised with both religions in a very, very secular way (had a Christmas tree and lit Hanukkah candles but never went to any religious services, both parents told me they did not believe in G-d etc.) Married a 100% Jewish but not religious man and we had no problem finding a Reform rabbi to perform the ceremony, and will raise our kids with Jewish holidays only but no organized religion. Only the Reform movement will consider our kids Jewish though, even though they will have 3/4 Jewish grandparents.

      1. Yes, I would really only consider reform judaism, both as a faith to raise my children as part of or to theoretically convert to. I’ve spent sometime recently on the websites of some area reform synagogues and I have been very impressed with their mission statements, etc. I may need to take the next step and actually visit one or two in person.

         1. Take a look at reconstructionist or humanist Jewish congregations if there are any near you. My ex-father-in-law was expressly and openly agnostic, but Jewish identity was vital to him, and he was raising his children in a reconstructionist community.

   3. I did neither of those things things but I am a Jewish atheist so maybe I can give you some insight. I don’t go to synagogue but I am very Jewish – my family celebrates holidays together (which I travel pretty far for), I cook Jewish food, read books about Judaism, identify publicly as Jewish, and lots of other things. It’s a huge part of my identity, and for me there is no contradiction between my identity and the fact that I don’t believe in god and don’t observe any of the religious rules for everyday life. For me and a many other Jews atheism and a secular life are 100% compatible with a Jewish identity. I guess that is not exactly an answer to your question about conversion specifically, but I don’t think that atheism is in any way a roadblock to raising a Jewish family or being a part of a (non-orthodox) Jewish community.

      1. Thanks. That is very helpful to know. Catholicism is definitely not accepting of anything less than a doctrinal approach to the faith. The idea of a bigger religious tent is something that is refreshing.

         My partner is VERY culturally jewish and has a super jewish name. His family travels to Israel regularly and I went with them last year and had an amazing time.

         I think I need to do more reflection on the ideas of ethnicity/religion. In regards to my own life see those as two distinct things and need to re-set my framework here.

         1. I was raised Catholic and stopped going to church as soon as I hit 18 years old (because I don’t like the way that the church treats women but that’s another story). I’ve always said I’d convert to Judaism if I didn’t have to learn a new language and culture along with a new religion. But from how welcoming your future in-laws seem to be and the ability to be Reform, I think you should examine it very carefully – it might suit you.

            1. FWIW, few American Jews actually know Hebrew (and biblical Hebrew and what is spoken in modern-day Israel are very different). Most reform prayer books have transliterations/pronunciations, and most of the services are performed in English. In terms of culture, not sure how that isn’t hand in hand with the religion. I.e., on Passover you don’t eat bread – that’s both the religion and the culture. If you are serious about your statement regarding converting, then language/culture shouldn’t come close to stopping you.

            2. I think my thoughts center around being an “outsider” and being the only one in my extended family who would be Jewish. Heck, I couldn’t even get my kids and husband to go to church with me. So that’s what I mean by culture even though I’m sure they’d be welcoming.

               The synagogue that I’ve been to with my friends is Reform but the prayers were mostly in Hebrew though parts of the ceremony were in English. So I’d want to be able to know what I was saying even if I didn’t learn Hebrew.

         2. “I think I need to do more reflection on the ideas of ethnicity/religion. In regards to my own life see those as two distinct things and need to re-set my framework here.”

            Yes! There are days when I’m not sure what Judaism is exactly (ethnicity, religion, culture, nationality, etc. etc.). It is very different from christianity in that regard. Being uncertain and asking yourself and your community lots of big philosophical and ethical questions is a big part of Judaism, at least for me. Sounds like you’re off to a good start.

            I will warn you – organized Judaism in the US has a very big tent about matters of faith but it has a tiny minuscule pup tent about Israel. I am not involved in any non religious Jewish institutions because I am basically unwelcome due to my political views on Israel (despite having a very strong person/familial/linguistic connection, and also having an amazing time when I am there). Israel is far and away a more contentious issue amongst non-orthodox Jews than faith in god. I love being Jewish, it’s a pretty fantastic religion to be if you are thoughtful, family oriented, and an agnostic/atheist, but being Jewish also be really hard because of this issue. It’s a controversial topic and I don’t want to debate specifics, but I just want to put it out there that this is my point of struggle with Judaism – not my atheism.

            1. Thanks MaggieO. I really appreciate your comments. You’ve raised several things I need to think about more.

      2. MargaretO – you put it perfectly. I’m also a Jewish Atheist and do all the stuff you listed here. My husband was a lapsed Catholic turned agnostic and converted to Reform Judaism. It’s worked well so far!

   4. I’m an atheist raised with no religion and I married a Jew. His family also includes Holocaust survivors. Several relatives are rabbis. He is clearly not that observant (he married me) and believes in a nonspecific higher power but not a guy in white robes. It is fundamentally important to him that we raise our kids as Jewish, at least culturally and observing holidays, though we’re unlikely to be regular temple attendees.

      I looked into conversion. It’s a big, big commitment (and takes about a year to do), even if you go the relatively mild Reform route versus Conservative or Orthodox. The Reform rabbis I talked to, at length, basically said that they cannot in good conscience convert me if I don’t believe in god. One of the rabbis nicely tried to poke around the edges of my atheism and asked if maybe I believed in a higher power just not necessarily a guy in white robes, so to speak. She hinted that maybe a higher power would be enough for her. But it felt, to me, as wrong to even sort of lie to a rabbi as it would be to lie to a judge, so I had to honestly tell her that no, I’m really an atheist.

      Some of his family did not attend our wedding because they are Orthodox or Conservative and their faith does not recognize our marriage. Most of his family is supportive. But it’s really hard. Our kids will only be recognized as Jewish by the entire family if they convert as adults. And I’m trying to learn how to do a sorta-kinda Jewish home, at least enough for a kid to perceive herself as Jewish. I have no answers but you’re not alone.

      1. PS we had a Jewish wedding officiated by a Reform Rabbi. The rabbi was happy to perform an “interfaith” ceremony – interfaith between Jewish and NotJewish.

         1. Thanks. This is very helpful to hear. I think we are in very similar situations, although my partner’s close family is pretty liberal reform jews at this point.

            The last woman that he dated before me was actually jewish and his parent’s speak often about how much a better match we are for each other. I think honestly at this point, they want to see their last unmarried child to settle down and start a family before they pass away – neither is in great health. Everyone in his family has been exceptionally kind and welcoming to me.

            1. :). I should also add that we have a ketubah and absolutely no christmas/easter/Christian stuff is allowed in our home. No xmas tree, no santa, no stockings, no “hanukkah bush”, no easter eggs, nada in that vein. Which was an adjustment for me because even though I grew up totally secular, I did have an xmas tree and the easter bunny and santa came to my house. I never thought of those things as “christian” (for Petes sake, they’re actually all pagan) but Jewish DH is personally adamantly against them in our home or for our kids. I’m pretty stoked aboutnot having to lie to our kids about Santa and the easter bunny but I do and will miss a pretty xmas tree.

            2. Probably something that varies? I do a solstice tree because I LOVE winter and lights and I like to do more than just a Hanukiah. I stick Hanukkah presents to it.

            3. Definitely varies. My DH is personally absolutely not ok with any of that but other jews may feel differently. OP should discuss with her SO to learn his particular views.

   5. Sorry in advance for the novel. Two of my good friends, both Jewish, were raised by Jewish fathers and non-Jewish-but-practicing mothers. The mothers never converted in either case, so the children were “converted” as soon as they were able, and the houses they were raised in were both unquestionably Jewish – Shabbat dinners, seders, mezuzot, Bat Mitzvot training, matzoh ball soup, lots of futzing and over-involved, loving parenting.

      It’s never been a problem for either of my friends, and they both identify as 100% Jewish (reform). It’s not easy to make a Jewish home, even for born Jews, but it’s absolutely possible without converting, and the kids probably won’t have any kind of identity crises. The only important caveat I’ve found is that you do have to embrace raising the children actually Jewish, not Jewish and also agnostic Catholic. No Christmas mass AND Hanukkah party. No Easter dinner AND seder. It might be good to think about yourselves as a Jewish family, even if you yourself aren’t converting and aren’t personally Jewish; my friend’s mother laughingly says she’s Jewish by marriage, and if you met her, you would assume she had been born into it.

      If my name doesn’t give it away, I don’t keep strict Jewish laws, but I am also an agnosticish Jew probably going to marry an atheist Catholic and raise our kids Jewish. He doesn’t mind participating in the home rituals (blessing the wine, participating in seder, etc) since he definitely doesn’t believe in any kind of God and it makes me happy, and that is all I really want from him. A lot of Judaism is based around the family, so having one member of the family step out of the ritual is what would be disrupting, not having one participant not believe in the words they’re reciting.

      1. Thank you for the perspective.

         It’s good to know that this can be successfully done.

   6. I converted in a Conservative process as an adult. Not because of anyone or anything other than the fact that I strongly identified as Jewish as an adult. I grew up in a Christian (but secular) home. One of the reasons I converted with a specific Conservative rabbi was because he often times communicated, during services and in many discussions in private and public, was that sometimes he believed in god and sometimes he didn’t. I suggest you do some research, reach out to the non-Orthodox rabbis in your community and discuss your thoughts. You never know what you might find out. So, I guess I really didn’t address your question, but I found that the more learned and more I spoke with others in the community, I found a real connection.

      I agree with MargaretO: “I guess that is not exactly an answer to your question about conversion specifically, but I don’t think that atheism is in any way a roadblock to raising a Jewish family or being a part of a (non-orthodox) Jewish community.”

      1. Thanks. This is interesting. Would you mind sharing the name of the rabbi whose writing’s moved you?

         1. Rabbi Baruch HaLevi was the rabbi I converted with in a small midwestern city over ten years ago. He moved on to Boston, and now lives in Israel. He has a blog (not being updated much anymore). It comes up if you Google him. He was a wonderful example (to me) of how to live a Jewish life that works for you.

      2. If you’re still reading: I also converted to Conservative Judiasm as an adult with a Rabbi who held similar beliefs. My lack of belief in a traditional G-d was not a problem.

   7. My marriage is “interfaith” in that I have faith (similar to the Episcopalian yoga-practitioners above) and my husband kind of doesn’t, or at least doesn’t like organized religion. My family is Protestant but I have several aunts and uncles who married Jewish spouses. Only one aunt has converted, the others raised their children in the Jewish faith without converting, themselves. One family even observes all secular aspects of Christmas and Easter addition to religious aspects of Jewish holidays. Only one of my cousins has married within the faith, but all had a canopy at their wedding and are also raising their children with Jewish traditions. I can’t comment on the theological questions of all of this, but the way you’ve handled this in your own family sounds similar and like a decent solution to me.

      My husband attends church services with me a few times a month, but is not a member and skips communion. He is strongly against participating in rituals and oaths that he doesn’t believe in (ie kids’ baptism), even though to me it’s more about tradition and a united front as a family. This bothers me a little more than I thought it would pre-kids, but we’re making it work for us. I think you need to be clear on your position with your SO and see how he feels about it. If he wants a partner in participating in his faith community, you’ll have to think about what that means and whether you’re comfortable. But it may be OK for you to be tacitly supportive of the kids’ faith without being an active participant.

      1. I just want to point out that if you are raising your kids with both Christian and Jewish holidays, even in a “secular” way, you are absolutely NOT raising your kids Jewish. It’s a fine decision to have an interfaith family, but it will effectively prevent your children from identifying as Jewish without formal conversion. A kid who grew up with a Christmas tree (even if church and G-d were never involved) is not going to be seen as Jewish by others. In contrast, if you actually raise your kids Jewish, with Jewish holidays only, but the mother has not formally converted, they will be seen as Jewish by many and would only need to formally convert if they end up falling in love with someone who is significantly more religious.

         1. Curious about this. I’m Christian and grew up in a school that had a heavy mix of Christian and Jewish students, and the Jewish students were just the way you describe — no Christmas tree, no anything Christian-ish anywhere. But I have friends who are non-Abrahamic who grew up with Christmas trees and Christmas presents, and Easter egg hunts, and all the secular parts of Christian holidays, but are still very much Indian-Hindu/Indian-Sikh/Chinese-Buddhist. I think I’ve always assumed the hard line between Christianity and Judaism was because of the history of Jews living alongside Christians and in Christian countries (Europe) and needing to keep their identity. But that might be a totally ignorant assumption. Just something I’ve always kind of wondered about.

         2. I really disagree with this. DH was raised Jewish in an interfaith household. He had a bar mitzvah and absolutely identifies with Jewish. One parent was Christian and so they also had a Christmas tree, celebrated Easter etc. but in the secular forms of those holidays. I know several others who grew up in similar circumstances and never heard anyone question whether they were “really” Jewish or not.

            1. Perhaps it is different if you have formal Jewish religious education, which you must in order to have a bar mitzvah. But I don’t think merely celebrating Chanukah and Passover means you are “raising your kids Jewish” if you also have a Christmas tree and an Easter egg hunt. It means you are raising your kids with two religions (or, if you prefer, traditions, if you are atheist/agnostic).

            2. And almost all Jews I’ve met, including Reform ones, would consider someone who grew up with a Christmas tree to be at most “half Jewish,” bar mitzvah or not. This is something that is hard for non-Jews to understand, because, to most of America, Christmas trees and Easter eggs are not religious at all. Many people who have never set foot in a church partake in these traditions, and in fact these symbols are actually too secular for some deeply devout Christians, because they have nothing to do with the religious meaning behind the holidays. But Jews see these symbols as Christian and don’t see someone who grew up with Christianity as Jewish.

            3. I also disagree. Either you are Jewish by birth, or you aren’t, and all Rabbis, even the Reform Rabbis, will look for some degree of conversion when you become an adult. It is really just a question of whether you care about that or not.

            4. SoCalAtty, I disagree that all Reform rabbis will look for some degree of conversion. I have a Jewish father, non-Jewish mother, so not Jewish by birth, and when I was marrying my Jewish husband, our rabbi said conversion was unnecessary because the Reform movement has done away with “the mother rule” and any child with a Jewish parent who chooses to identify as Jewish is Jewish. So, basically…I was open to formal conversion (within the Reform movement only) and our rabbi talked me out of it!

         3. Yes, the people who think such a way are not really my concern. The mere fact that I was not born to a jewish mother means I will never be jewish enough to please everyone.

            I’m just trying to hear from others who have navigated this path and strike a balance that works for me.

            1. I’m a child of an interfaith marriage (Jewish mom, Methodist dad), and I recently married a Catholic. I was raised Jewish – 2x/week Hebrew school and I had a Bat Mitzvah, and went on to graduated Hebrew High School. I also celebrated Christmas and Easter my whole life. I am unquestionably Jewish, but we celebrated the holidays as a cultural thing for my father. I plan to raise my children similarly – Jewish but with acknowledgement of my husband’s culture and background. I don’t think this makes us any less Jewish than anyone else, and no one has ever said as much to me.

               What I will say, and what has always been clear to me (by the Reform movement anyway), is that Judaism is a very ‘pick and choose’ type of religion. Not keeping kosher doesn’t nullify your Judaism, nor does not keeping the sabbath, etc. If you find the right synagogue (and I do recommend reform), then you can be accepted if you choose to convert, and your family can be accepted with or without your conversion. Like everyone and everything else, different people and different places may be more or less welcoming, but I’m confident you can find what will work for you within reformed Judaism.

         4. Interestingly enough it’s my Jewish-by-birth aunt who embraces secular aspects of Christian holidays and I really don’t think it’s at the request of my uncle. She has just never met a holiday she can decorate for that she doesn’t like. They also live in a very non-Jewish area and I’m sure part of it was wanting her kids to be able to relate to school friends. I don’t think proving the relative Jewishness of her kids was a prime concern. So…more evidence there’s a wide range of observance.

         5. As someone who is 100% Jewish, celebrated Jewish holidays religiously (i.e., went to synagogue, etc.) and Christmas and Easter secularly (just with presents and candy, because who doesn’t like those?), I disagree. No one has ever thought of me as anything other than 100% Jewish, because I did these things. Some people may have thought it was a little strange that a jewish family would celebrate these holidays, but my actual religion was never a question.

            1. Agreed. I think this might depend on the community. My jewish (bar mitzvah’ed) dad said they always had a xmas tree growing up! They were the only Jews in their town for generations and my dad said Hanukah was not a present -giving holiday for them. Maybe since the rest of their congregation was so far away, no one around to judge them?

   8. DH is Christian and I am not. However, we found a progressive Christian church aligned with both of our values. I attend church with him and we are planning to baptize our child. However, I am not converting. We discussed the plan when we started dating. It’s been difficult at times, but it has worked so far because we are both coming from a place of mutual respect. Also, my parents came from two different faiths, so the arrangement doesn’t seem unnatural to me. If you’re agnostic, you’ll probably have an easier time (cf. I have strong theological differences with DH). I am educating myself about Christianity, which I think is necessary if you’re going to participate in a religion and commit to raising a child in it. It’s also necessary for your partner to be open to this kind of arrangement.

   9. My mother has practiced Judaism since I was born but has never converted because she does not believe in a higher being. It took some trying, but they found a synagogue that would let my parents join, and my mom has been an active member for more than 30 years. She doesn’t “pray,” but she celebrates all holidays, is on committees, etc.

      1. That said, and having grown up Jewish my whole life, I decided to do a formal conversion (Conservative) before my wedding . It was easy for me to do — my childhood rabbi had been my teacher for many years so did not require another formal conversion course of study, although I did have a bet din. I figured under these circumstances, easier for me to do it now and our kids not to have to worry about it, should it ever be an issue for them over the course of their lives. I do regret it to some degree, though, because I was already Jewish as far as I was concerned.

9. On the topic of being nice, what do you do to be a good person? I am continually trying to improving myself and am looking for new ideas. I typically focus on social and environmental things. I just want to be better, so what you guys do to be better?

   1. I go to church, regularly. It’s not so much about the “God” thing – if anything, I fall pretty far towards the atheist side of the spectrum. But by attending church every week, I carve out a dedicated space to quiet the world, and think about right and wrong, and how I conduct my life. Importantly, by doing this in church (instead of, for example, meditating on my own for an hour a week), I’m surrounded by a community of people who are involved in a similar endeavor. And I don’t get to choose the topic (instead, I’m listening to readings and a sermon), so I’m confronted with issues that I might not dare to face myself. My congregation is Episcopalian, which in this case means progressive and racially/socioeconomically diverse. My participation in that community has without a doubt forced me to become a better person (though still a huge work in progress).

      1. I am too atheist to even sit comfortably in a church. But I do work with socioeconomic policy at a charity. Things like changing zoning and advocating for people who don’t know their rights as a tenant. It makes me face lots of things like food deserts that are uncomfortable but important.

10. I am in an odd position soon – my job is coming to an end and I could choose to jump ship and try a whole new career. I currently work in policy and don’t think I want to do it anymore. Sell me on your job/field/career! What do you like about it?

    1. What do you dislike about working in policy? Is it the career or the seeing that needs to change?

       I’m a lawyer, employment litigation mostly. What I love about: essentially being a writer for a living, learning interesting stories, getting to talk to talk to lots of people, feeling like I’ve helped someone.

       What I don’t love: the hours, the adversarial nature of it (this is huge), the drama that inevitably comes home with me.

    2. I love my field! I left political research to become an MD. Obviously not something you necessarily want to embark on (4 years of med school and 5 years of residency = a pretty big commitment) but I wanted to do something tangible where I could see immediate positive results of my actions and I think you get that in a lot of areas of health care (that don’t necessarily require the same level of training).

       I love working with my hards, I love the instant gratification of seeing the good I do right away, and I feel like my work is important and valuable (and most of the time, valued) which is amazing. There are really hard days, but even during the darkest, longest nights I feel lucky to play the role I do in people’s live and gratified by the trust people place in me.

       Downsides (other than the long training and painful debt load) include more politics than I expected. the need to be a doctor “+” (research, administrative leadership, etc) and weird conspiracy theories from some segments of society (nope, I’m not hiding any cures for cancer or diabetes, and I don’t get any kick-backs from big pharma).

11. Iceland! Ladies, talk to me about this wonderful place. My SO and I are planning on going in early August for about 7-10 days (early August is the only time we can go), so please give me all your advice. Where to go, what to do, what the timeline should be, places to get good deals on airfare?

    I know we’re interested in camping out at least one night and doing a good amount of hiking around – is this fairly doable?

    1. It’s been asked here a lot before; I think “site:corpor e t t e.com + Iceland” should have a lot of tips. IcelandAir is generally the cheapest airline but it is kind of a budget experience and I don’t think they partner with any of the big US airlines for rewards so might not be the best option if you’re points people. One amazing thing about IcelandAir is that you can stop in Iceland for up to 7 days for free on your way to Europe. With 10 days, I’d say it would be very worth tacking on 3-4 days in Paris or London or some other European city that floats your boat. Iceland can easily be done in 5-7 days.

       1. We took two weeks in Iceland and had plenty to do. We drove the ring road and it was incredible. Spent a few days in Reyk. Did not even make it to the West Fjords.

          1. Also, you’ll probably be able to see puffins!

    2. Depending on where you’re flying from, there is a newish discount carrier — Wow Air — which seems to have pretty good prices. https://wowair.com/

       Haven’t flown them, but am looking into it for a trip later this year. Otherwise, I know lots of folks who have taken advantage of the Iceland Air stop-over option to spend a few days in Iceland either on the way to or from mainland Europe.

       1. Wow has this stopover too. I believe they are the discount arm of Iceland Air.

12. Has anyone here tried the Rolo bag? It rolls all your clothes, which is good against wrinkles, but they have to be folded first.

    1. http://www.rolotravel.com

13. I know it’s super late in the day, but has anybody used a personal assistant? I am about to take the plunge, spurred by the fact that I have to get my dad’s hearing aids serviced regularly and the store is only open when I am at work, and now the local store has closed and the next-closest is too far away to sneak out to during the work day. So I’m hiring the daughter of a friend to run that errand for me. What a relief!

    And I’d like to have her take care of some other nagging chores but I’m having a little bit of a brain freeze. What kinds of chores do you or would you assign to a personal assistant?

    1. I almost hired someone like this around the holidays but she flaked out on me. What I would have had her do:

       – Wrap and tag the presents for all the children in my extended family and for the local “giving tree” program.
       – Assemble a simple Ikea item that was one of said gifts.
       – Pick up packages left on my porch and bring them inside.

       For non-holiday tasks, if I had a PA I would have him/her:

       – Do errands like yours at places in my neighborhood that are mostly closed when I’m home (the small credit union, the post office, the little independent drugstore, the local library).
       – Box up and take to USPS or UPS returns to places like Amazon and Nordstrom.
       – Meet and let in various repair people when needed.
       – Possibly do my grocery shopping, at least in weeks when I’m working long hours.

       I feel like I could come up with lots of other things to keep someone busy full time. If only I could afford it . . .

       1. Some of these things you can outsource without a PA:

          – Drycleaning – many Drycleaners offer free pick up and drop off. They make up for the cost of delivery in that people end up dry cleaning a lot more stuff when they don’t have to think about pick up and drop off (Ok, well, that’s what happened with me anyway!)

          – Grocery shopping – check to see if Peapod or Fresh Direct is in your area or whether local stores deliver. Or there are things like Blue Apron or Hello Fresh if you can afford it and don’t care about spending more to avoid shopping.

          – UPS/USPS – schedule a pickup online.

          – Drugstore – some pharmacies deliver, and I use the pharmacy in the grocery store since I’m there frequently.

    2. Dry cleaning drop off/pick up. If you have any packages that need mailed or could be left at UPS/USPS instead of signing. Grooming for any pets if she’s okay with that (I wouldn’t do vet appointments, but getting their nails trimmed or something similar). If you’re grocery store does orders, picking those up (I know Sam’s Club does this, but I don’t know if other stores have picked up this trend yet).

       These are just random things that come to mind that always seem to be a hassle to do in the two or three hours I’m home and line up with business hours (or that when I get super busy are a hassle to do too), but it may help spur some thoughts on other ones you need.

       1. DRY CLEANING!! Genius!

          1. Dear Senior Attorney, Please hire me to be your Personal Assistant. Your comments are thoughtful and much nicer than the partners I work for.
             Sincerely,
             Big Law Junior Associate

             PS I am excellent at picking up other people’s dry cleaning. I’ve done it at least once a week for the past 18 months at my “lawyering” job.

             1. Awww… That makes my day! :)

          2. Oil change on car, change the lightbulbs in my place, definitely dry cleaning, booking personal appointments, taking my shoes to the shoe repair guy… I’ve obviously given this some thought.

             1. Ah – the oil change one, yes! I waffle between taking it to Jiffy Lube or someplace similar and risking having to wait if there’s a line or taking it to my mechanic who does my inspections, but knowing I have to plan it for a day when I don’t have to leave the office for anything. I would get a PA to pick it up at my office, take it to get the change, and then bring it back. That’d be so nice.

                Also, I totally second wanting to be SA’s PA. :-)

          3. I work as a PA for some folks. I mostly file their bills, which they handle themselves, sorting tax-related vs. not, handling returns, talking to the development people at their favourite charities, etc. I also track the retirement home bills and related reimbursements. Phone calls, appointment setting, travel arrangements can also come under my purview. I enjoy the work.

             And I should be moving back to SoCal later this year… :) I’ve wanted to meet you for a while!

             1. Hey give me a shout out when you get here! seniorattorney1 at gmail!

    3. I’ve thought about this often. The major tasks that I’d have a PA do are: dry cleaning drop off/pickup, shoe repair drop off/pickup, Goodwill drop off, mail packages and return stuff that I’ve bought (usually to a tjx store). I.e. the things that clutter up my car because I keep intending to do them…

       1. Yes, returns for sure! That is the most gigantic headache, isn’t it?

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