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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 144 Comments · by

Holiday Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Something on your mind? Chat about it here. Happy Labor Day weekend! I hope everyone has some fun plans, and that if you don't, at least you can chill out and not work — although there's nothing wrong with that, either. These Rag & Bone boots look sort of perfect. Rag & Bone is a huge favorite, particularly for weekend boots, and I like the low but solid heel and the camel suede, although they also come in black leather. They just feel like fun, easy boots to wear with jeans, bootcuts, ankle cuts, skinny jeans, tights, skirts, bare legs … whatever you want to do. They are $475 at Zappos Luxury and are also available at Nordstrom. Walker Boot Zappos also has a more affordable option. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

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Comments

  1. Anonymous

    Is anyone else starting to get seriously worried that the 2018 elections will result in violence no matter who wins?

    • Flats Only

      Me neither. I will not be surprised at violent actions by individual nut-jobs around the election (mainly because they seem to happen all the time anyway), but I am not expecting to see riots or anything else large-scale. What type of violence are you are you worried about?

    • Anon

      Unless there is a clear Republican blowout in solidly Democratic cities and counties to the extent it is clear the election was rigged (lbh, a real possibility given the idgaf corruption of the current administration), only the neonazi racists who follow drumpf will riot because their only aim is to promote chaos and harm not to protest, so they’ll riot anyway..

      • Anon

        Not saying Trump followers are neonazi racists, absolutely not, but that the vast majority of neonazi racists are drumpf followers.

    • Anonymous

      If 2016 didn’t result in violence, I am not sure how the country could realistically be any worse off after November. So no.

      • Anonymous

        Well the violent people won in 2016….liberals don’t mostly have guns.

        • Anonymous

          Right, but it takes so little for the nut jobs to get offended by peaceful protests and call us sore losers and escalate a situation. That’s the kind of thing I’m concerned about.

    • Anonymous

      No. And I’m very worried about Trump leading the country in the direction of totalitarianism. I just don’t see widespread violence after the midterms. Individual nutjobs, sure, but there is violence every day for many different reasons.

      • S

        Read “On Tyranny, 20 Lessons from the 20th Century” by Timothy Snyder. It’s paperback and is the type of book that helps democracy move forward, like Paine’s Common Sense. It’s very, very short, and I received it from my conservative retired mom, who is trying not to be addicted to fear-baiting Fox News. My nephew was born last week, so she might move on.

        Which reminds me, I should chat her up on it again…it calms her. Doing things that support democracy help us stay grounded. I wrote to my federal elected officials and mentioned that Citizens United is much more damaging than Roe v. Wade, which actually acknowledges that a woman is a person before we get to fetal viability and amend accordingly. Ask judicial nominees about what might change the impact of Citizens United.

      • Anonymous

        Which is why Trump said in a closed door session that there would be violence if the Dems took over? His followers include a lot of folks who are both armed and totally pissed off.

  2. Interview Attire

    Please help me with my outfit for an interview next week. I am interviewing for a boutique law firm position, and meeting with the name partner at a coffee shop. Recruiter told me business casual. I am in Southern California.

    Options I have come up with:
    -Light weight grey long sleeve silk blouse (no collar, hidden buttons), black pencil skirt, simple black pumps
    -Beige silk secretary blouse, black pencil skirt, simple black pumps
    -3/4 black blazer, tan shell, grey pencil skirt, simple black pumps
    -3/4 black blazer, blue pencil dress, simply black pumps

    What would you wear? Or something else entirely?

      • anon

        Agree with this, but I would make sure what you are wearing underneath is something you would be comfortable in without a jacket, in case he shows up in jeans and cowboy boots or there’s no A/C and it’s 100 degrees.

        I’d be careful with the tan shell if it’s too “nude” looking, but otherwise I thought both blazer outfits sounded nice.

    • Rainbow Hair

      I would wear the blue pencil dress with the blazer. I think it will read more authoritative.

    • 1st or last choice

      I would wear the first or last choice – either grey blouse or blue pencil dress. Good luck!

    • TCFKAG

      Does the blue dress have sleeves of any kind? I like the idea of the dress with one of the blazers but (and honestly I doubt it matters) I don’t love being sleeveless in the off-chance I need to take my jacket off. That gray silk blouse sounds gorgeous – do you have a skirt and blazer pairing that aren’t both black and would coordinate with the shirt? Maybe a blazer with a pattern or stripes or something with a little visual interest?

      Another option if you wanted would be the same idea of the silk blouse with whatever your favorite pair of chic non-black trousers with heels (I love the look of pointy-toed heels with trousers when I wanna look fancy) and then a coordinating but not matching blazer. I actually think a full-length pair of trousers like the burgundy ones that Kat posted yesterday (or even ankle pants with heels) with the gray OR beige top would look fab with either of the blazers. Only because I feel like sometimes pants, especially ones that aren’t black, are a nice way to flip the script a bit on the expected pencil skirt/blouse/blazer combo for dressy biz casual. And pants in a color other than black always stand out a bit without seeming weird. (If you have time, I’m currently wearing a pair of really great pair of ankle/cropped burgundy trousers from WHBM and they’ve been a fantastic purchase – I get way more wear out of them then I expected to and they are super comfortable and they look great with both heels and oxford-style flats for a more menswear inspired look. And they come in several different cuts including skinny, curvy, petite, and women’s and they’re on sale right now. Just a random thought).

      But if it’s an older man, I’d stick with a skirt, only because you never know when you’re going to run into.

  3. Anonymous

    Reposting because I was late on the morning thread –
    I’ve been very unproductive at work for a few months now (which unfortunately roughly coincided with my return from maternity leave) because I haven’t been feeling well and have had a lot of trouble concentrating. No one has said anything but I’d be shocked if people haven’t noticed. I was recently diagnosed with a relatively serious medical condition that causes extreme fatigue and inability to concentrate. I’m being treated and am already noticing an improvement in my ability to focus. Should I say something to explain my poor performance? Or should I just put my head down and work hard going forward?

    • Monday

      If this were me, I would just focus on getting my performance back where it was ASAP and only discuss it if a supervisor brings it up first. You don’t need to answer questions that nobody has asked, unless you anticipate that this is going to be an issue again sometime soon.

    • Anonymous

      If the treatment is helping and you expect to be more productive very soon, I might let them think it took me a while to get back on track after maternity leave, and leave it at that. I think people think of pregnancy and its effects as temporary, but if you’ve been diagnosed with a chronic condition, people may worry more that you’ll never get back to where you need to be (even if you personally will).

    • Anonymous

      No need to remove all doubt…many colleagues have a sense of grace. Let them bring it up. If you want to do more research, look up the condition of the website askjan (Job Accommodation Network) and see what accommodations might look like.

      FMLA might be an option if you need time off, but that would depend on if you exhausted it, and when it re-boots.

      Chances are, now that your mojo is back, that will help you move past this as you are on the upswing!

    • a lawyer

      Know your office, but it is difficult to overcome negative perceptions, and I have been floored by items brought up years later in partner pay discussions. Items that the subject did not even remember. If you have someone you have a particularly good relationship with, I might try to somewhat casually mention that you know you have been very fatigued lately but that you are feeling much better and that your doctor has figured this out and meds are really helping. This allows a re-set of the partners’ mindset about you without raising red flags.

    • SMC-SD

      San Diego is getting very popular! Your are the third person to ask about it in the last week.

      It is also a big city with a lot going on. In order to answer this question, we will need to know (1) when you are coming; (2) how long you will be here; and (3) what kinds of things are you interested in (beach; hiking; snorkeling/diving; museums; animals; shopping; etc.) My suggestion for someone coming in October who loves the beach will be different than someone coming in February who loves shopping and eating. Let me know and I will see how I can help.

      • Anon

        So sorry! I didn’t realize it was such a frequent topic this week. I’m thinking about coming for a few days in October as a solo getaway. I’m pretty open to different activities and restaurants. But I do want some relaxation, too!

        • SMC-SD

          No worries – it is just hard to give advice in a vacuum.

          October is a great time to visit. Just be aware that it might be hot and dry if the Santa Ana winds are blowing and that is high season for fire. No reason not to come – but it does make it more advisable to stay near the ocean. Coronado is absolutely gorgeous. Take a look at the Hotel del Coronado (if you can take the rates) or one of the other beachfront hotels in Coronado. It is quieter and less “let’s get drunk and smoke pot” than Mission or Pacific Beach and the beach is probably the most beautiful in San Diego. It is also close to downtown if you want to visit the Gaslamp, USS Midway (an aircraft carrier converted to a museum), the Maritime Museum, or Balboa Park (which is also where the Zoo is located). It is also a good place if you are interested in the harbor tours. (Don’t get sucked into a whale watching trip; October is not a good time of year for that.)

          If the rates in Coronado are outside your budget, you have a couple of options. There are a LOT of hotels downtown/Gaslamp District at all different price points. No beach, but very central and you can just drive or take the ferry over to Coronado. It is also convenient to Pt. Loma.

          The hotels north of San Diego proper (Del Mar, Solana Beach, etc.) are very nice, but be aware that a lot of people live up there and commute to downtown so traffic can be a concern. DON’ stay in a hotel in “Mission Valley”. You will end up driving everywhere, it has a lot of traffic, and is just not very nice unless you just want to shop. Also, La Jolla is great but the traffic in and out can be bad unless you are planning on spending all of your time there. (It is also fairly expensive

          Let me know if that helps and if you need anything else. Note that there are some great, quirky and fun hotels slightly more inland but in October I would suggest close to the beach just in case wind/fire.

    • Pep

      Coronado was amazing. I wish we could have spent more time there. We were at the Marriott Marquis San Diego Marina (for a convention). Nice hotel, nice views, but I wasn’t thrilled with our room.

    • Nesprin

      Balboa park- Amazing zoo, museums, 1920’s spanish architecture and parks! is also right next to downtown.

    • Love those boots

      Black or nude-for-me tights, black and tan skirt (i have a few), and a brown/tan sweater.

      Or all black with a brown bag

  6. Short Torso, Broad Shoulders. Help!

    Anyone ever try having silk tailored? (Or tops in delicate fabrics, in general?) Bonus points if you have a recommendation for tailors in D.C.!

    • Marie

      It isn’t any more difficult to tailor a top in a delicate fabric (including silk) than one in cotton. A good tailor can handle it. Proceed with confidence! (Unfortunately I am not in D.C. so can’t recommend such a tailor for you.)

  7. Anon

    My favorite brand of shoes, Fidji, has been discontinued for a year or so. I’ve held onto and taken care of the ones I have but they’re starting to look shabby.

    I’m looking for recommendations for sturdy shoes made of good leather that come in interesting colors and styles and are primarily low heeled. Not Clark’s. Nicer and more fashionable than that.

    Interested to hear what you think.

    • Anon

      Here’s the Fidji brand blurb from 6pm

      Fifteen kilometers from the northern coast of Portugal, you are transported back in time to the age of chivalry and poise. In the city of Santa Maria da Feira sits a beautiful castle that was once the residence of Portugal’s first king. Every summer, a medieval festival is held with jousting, dancing, and famous Porto wines. Feeling like a princess, you venture upon the Fidji factory and are amazed to find yourself in a library surrounded by shoes instead of books. This is definitely every girl’s dream!

      Fidji is a brand created in 1999 which aims at designing a type of shoe that juggles comfort and fashion. Made with incredibly soft Italian leather and created by top designers in Spain and France, Fidji shoes are a huge hit with women of all ages. Usually this type of style and fashion comes with the sacrifice of your feet. However, Fidji shoes are soft, comfortable and all-around feminine.

      Fidji footwear is meant for the woman who cares about comfort, but demands a shoe that is made up of genuine leather, harmonious colors, and stylish good looks. Enhance your life with a pair of Fidji shoes.

      • Anonymous

        Arche? A higher price point, but seems like a similar aesthetic. I got a pair of booties on 6 pm that I have worn roughly every other day during 4 winters in a row and feel fantastic.

        PS – there seem to be a bunch on Amazon still.

      • Spanish Shoes

        Hispanita, Chie Mihara and Coclico. All Spanish brands. And comfortable.

        • Anon

          Thanks for the Spanish shoe recs. This is what I am looking for. To S, to my eye Munro are not pretty but i hear they are comfortable.

    • AZCPA

      There are 274 results on Amazon for that brand – there’s bound to be a few you can stock up on. For other brands, what about Miz Mooz?

      • Anon

        Thanks I have bought every style on amazon that I like and that they still have my size in.

        I think Miz Mooz is a good suggestion in terms of similar funkiness. Do you think they are good quality?

        • AZCPA

          Yes, I do. But I also think that there are a ton of Clarks that are more interesting and stylish than the Fidji shoes I’m seeing., so YMMV.

          Nordstrom also carries a few Fidji styles, as there are quite a few on Ebay.

          • Anon

            Yes they are down to the dregs of Fidji styles on Amazon really. And their work for the last year they were in business was definitely faltering.

            The ones I have are much prettier.

        • Ariadne

          Miz Mooz are really hit and miss for me, and I’ve tried (not bought Fidji) shoes before, so I would say fidjis are much comfier. I have actually been near tears at the miz mooz shop near me— love the styles, tried almost every shoe or boot in the store, and they felt so tough and strangely not as comfortable as they look like they should be. I’ve only ever left the mooz store with one boot that is ok, but is not that wearable, despite a low heel and a round toe shape. I love Spanish brands such as hispanitas, and pikolinos.

  8. Unsure

    Ah, break ups.

    I recently decided to break things off with the guy I’d been seeing for the past four months. There isn’t something really specific I could point to, not like anger issues, cheating, etc., nothing drastic. In fact, he’s lovely. But we have drastically different communications styles, and I’d developed a feeling that I’d been wanting to pull away for the past couple weeks, and a wane in general attraction to him. But it’s tough. He was devastated, and I’m still sad and missing him– I sensed it wouldn’t work long term, so I thought I was being proactive. But I did like spending time with him, cuddling, etc., and that has me wondering ever-so-slightly if I made the right choice, if I cut it off before a long-term “spark” could develop.

    What’s a deal-breaker for you? How do you know when you’re right? Or is it never quite black-and-white?

    • Anonymous

      When you know, you know. Missing cuddling is not the sign that you missed your soulmate. The best way I’ve heard the “you know” described is that you can’t imagine your life without the person.

      IME, there is no such thing as a “long-term spark.” For me, there either was a spark on the first date or none at all. That’s just me, and I know people say that it can take 3-4 dates for them…totally cool. But four months? Nah. No. Nope.

    • Anon

      Four months is more than enough time to develop a “spark”. And pulling away and waning attraction after only four months? You definitely made the right decision. Spending time and liking physical touch with someone is not what a relationship is based on. Tbh you can get that from a dog, best friend, mother or FWB. Please don’t make a mistake getting back together because you hurt this guys feelings. He’ll get over it.

    • Boston Lawyer

      Kind of depends on how reliable your instincts have been in the past. I almost pulled the plug on my current relationship about 3 months in for similar reasons but then I realized that what I thought was a lack of spark was really just a lack of the guy seeming like a domineering jerk, which is what I’ve historically been drawn to. I stuck it out and found that there is no spark like the spark you get with someone who really cares about you. But if you aren’t all screwed up like I was, then you should trust your instincts. :)

      • Anon

        Not the OP, but thank you for this – it’s such an articulate and even-handed way of expressing a very emotionally laden issue.

    • Real life example

      Everyone says “you’ll know.” And I agree to some extent, in the sense that we will not become magically attracted to people who repulse us. However, I strongly believe I could have been one of those people who never married because it was “never exactly right” or “there was something a little off.”

      At 23, I broke up with my boyfriend who lived across the country. I just felt a little bored and had visited and felt a little homesick while he had to work (Biglaw). When I told him I wanted us to date other people, too, he explained that he does not do that. He went on to say that breaking up was my choice but that he really felt like I would eventually regret it, although he had no idea how long that would take. I stood my ground and got off the phone with an absolute pit in my stomach bc I knew he was right. The next week my Grandmother came to visit and was horrified when I told her about the breakup. When she asked why, I could not really come up with a reason. She said, “you do understand that some personalities are highly critical. You and I are both that way. And at a certain point, we have to decide who has the flaws we can best handle, because no one is perfect.” Flash forward one more week to a horrible blind date. I got home, tried to call my old boyfriend ALL NIGHT LONG with no answer (pre-cell phone era, on his landline). I still do not know who he was with but when I finally got in touch with him, I basically owned up to the terrible mistake I’d made a month earlier and begged for another chance.

      We have been married for 25 years, and he is the best decision I ever made. It can be hard to find good people. If you have doubts about your decision, tell him. Hopefully you can get another chance and try to look at things more objectively. This may not be it but it if you have regrets in the face of no good reason for the breakup, I’d give it more time. I am simply not wired to be giddy in love/head over heels/know that this is the one. However, over the years, a few people have told me I seem to like my husband more than most people they know.

      • Anon

        I’m glad you’re happily married but you were 23…. This is an outlier case. OP nothing about what you said suggested this was a long-term investment relationship. Do what you need to to move on and don’t look back. You’ll find someone with the spark.

        • Anonymous

          Maybe. A lot of women toss over a lot of great guys looking for “the spark,” which does not last beyond the first five years of marriage for most people. Staying married for decades has very little to do with how hot you are for each other when you first meet and everything to do with how compatible you are over the long term with someone on the big things (money, kids, religion, careers, etc.) I know several women in their late 40s who ended up alone and regret it because they kept waiting for some kind of indescribable “something” that never happened. Not saying the OP should get back together with her boyfriend, BTW.

      • Ellen

        You are very articulate and very lucky. It does not work that way with most relationships. I kind of knew that Sheketovits was not for me once he started putting me down (and pulling me down to his level). He once held an accounting job, but he started slacking off once I became his girlfreind and he could show me off to his freinds and family. I was flattered at first, but with Dad’s help, realised that his lazyness was amplified by the fact that I was becoming a sucess at work, and my sucess meant he could slack off b/c I would support him economically, emotionally, and $exueally. He layed around the apartement, drinkeing, and when I got home, I was pretty much “coerced” do so stuff $exueally for him, as I really did NOT find that doeing any of that attractive to me. Women like me do NOT like doieng that stuff, and do it onley b/c their boyfreind wants them to. So when I did finally give him the boot, I never regreatted it for 1 minute. I know I made the right decision, as he has continued to go down hill, even though he has a new girlfreind, I see that she is doeing just what I did. I want to tell her to be strong enough to do what I did and get rid of him. She is young and pretty, so it will take time b/f his gross behavior starts getting to her. I hope no one in the HIVE has to go through what I did, but it was at least a lesson learned for me. I will NOT settle for a looser just b/c I want a boyfreind. FOOEY!

    • Anonymous

      I found there were a lot of people I could have a fine relationship with, but I wanted more. It’s hard to break off the okay but not amazing ones because it’s easy to think that’s all there is. I started thinking about how much I love and click with my best girlfriends and made that the standard for my relationships and once I did that, it was so much easier to just know and recognize amazing v meh.

    • Would You Want to Know?

      So much of this depends on what you are looking for in a marriage. I posted below about two of my friends who started dating. They had lots of “spark” – what they did not have was long-term compatibility. That is not to say anyone should stay with someone they are not attracted to at all, but let’s be realistic: after 10 years, 2 full time jobs, a couple of kids and the (near) inevitable middle age spread, the long-term success of a relationship does not have much to do with how hot you thought he was in the beginning. For my friends, the deal breakers were fundamental incompatibility about goals and values. They just saw themselves in completely different places in 10 years.

      What do YOU value? Maybe you are looking for a romantic partner; maybe you are looking for a best friend; maybe you care most about whether he will be a good, steady, reliable husband and father (my older sister married that guy – 15 years later they are perfectly happy). Maybe you want someone who is all three, which is obviously ideal but really, really hard to achieve. Be realistic about your what you want, whether you are willing to be single until you find it (acknowledging that might never happen) and go from there.

  9. Maudie Atkinson

    Reposting from late in this morning’s thread:

    Does anyone have favorite Etsy (or similar online) shops for art? In particular, I’m looking for two broad categories of things for my home and my office, respectively: (1) spare figure drawings with lots of negative space; and (2) larger scale portraits with lots of saturated color and intensity, i.e., not photorealistic and slightly abstract or impressionistic (a la Boscoe Holder).

  10. SC

    About a month ago, I posted a question about our health insurance plan not having any in-network providers of covered services (for my son’s occupational therapy). I started going through the insurance company’s grievance/appeal procedure. I sent a written grievance by certified mail at the beginning of the month. The insurance company’s policy/contract says they have 30 days from receiving the letter to respond to the formal grievance. Based on the certified mail receipt, it will be 30 days on Sunday. I called today, and the status is still open, and the company says they have until Tuesday to issue a response–fine, but I honestly don’t expect them to have a decision on Tuesday.

    Assuming the insurance company doesn’t have a determination on Tuesday and continues to drag its feet on this, what can I do next? I know I can’t appeal until I’m officially denied through the grievance procedure.

    The services cost about $700 per month out of network, and would be about half that in network, so it’s really adding up quickly.

    • MD caregiver

      You call on Tuesday, and ask to speak with a supervisor. You are polite, but firm. You ask for the timeline to be confirmed. You get the name of the supervisor and ask for a personal call back from them when the result is ready. You let your work benefits office know of any delay past your guaranteed response interval, and ask if there is an insurance liaison assigned to your company who you can call for assistance. These liaisons can be awesome.

      It is very common to be rejected the first time you make a non-covered request. Some companies automatically reject everything like this the first time you request. But your chance of winning is much better on appeal.

      If it gets rejected, then you appeal (whatever they call the next level of appeal). Check your insurance for the process. For this level of appeal you make sure to include a letter from the referring Doctor as to why the specific therapy site / type of OT /specific realist are medically necessary. I often write e letter myself, and hand them a copy or email it as a template, and they love it. Send a copy of that Doctor letter with your revise appeal letter. Ask the work insurance liaison if they can help in any way with advice on your situation. Sometimes they can pull strings behind the scene.

      • SC

        Thanks. I will call on Tuesday and try to get the name of the supervisor. Unfortunately, they keep things pretty well divided–the people you reach on the phone are customer service only and are awesome at stone walling. They are told to say that the only way decision makers can be reached is by mail, to a PO Box in another city.

        Unfortunately, it’s an individual plan, so there’s no workplace liaison.

        We have the OT provider involved. She and her billing manager both reviewed the grievance letter and made additional calls asking for reconsideration. For the appeal, we will get letters from the referring doctor and the pediatrician.

        So far, it’s not a medical necessity issue. The insurance company is processing the claim as covered services, but out of network. There are no in-network providers of these services. The insurance company isn’t allowing our occupational therapist to join the network for this plan (but it’s not a quality control issue because she’s in-network for 6 of their other plans). There are state laws requiring insurance companies to have adequate networks for all contracted services–I may mention this in my appeal, but I need a denial letter first.

        • Anon

          Could you try the state insurance commissioner if the insurance company doesn’t get back to you by Tuesday? It’s probably a bit early in the process, but may light a fire under the insurance company if it sees you’re a squeaky wheel. I also have personal positive experience escalating to a GC’s office, but that was where a company was really blatantly threatening to violate a law that has pretty harsh penalties.

  11. Would you want to know?

    About 2 years ago, a friend of mine met another friend at a party I hosted and they started dating. After about 18 months, she broke up with him. Nobody was the bad guy – they just had some fundamental differences in goals and values that she viewed as insurmountable. At first, she tried to stay “friends” (with benefits I think), but he put an end to that pretty quickly. They both did a good job of keeping me out of it. He never mentions her to me and she would only ask about how he was doing and accept “well” as a response.

    Fast forward six months. She is having some remorse over her decision (nice guys with good jobs who are not players are hard to find when you are a very busy, mid-30’s woman) and is making noises about trying to reconnect. On top of the fact that none of their prior issues have changed, I happen to know that (1) he is dating someone else pretty seriously – like I am expecting a wedding next summer seriously and she is, in my view, a much better match for him; and (2) he is actively exploring moving back to his home town (his intention of leaving Big City to move to Home Town was actually one of their sources of their incompatibility).

    Do I tell her or do I stay out of it? If she contacts him, even casually, he is going to tell her about new girlfriend in the first five minutes and I am wondering if it would be easier to hear it from me. I think it is going to be hard no matter what since new girlfriend is basically everything that my friend is constantly saying men want (younger, Ivy League education but flexible career that she is happy to have be secondary to family). Thoughts?

    • Anonymous

      If she mentions reconnecting with him to you, I’d just say “he’s moved on and is dating someone else.” I wouldn’t bring it up out of the blue.

    • Anonymous

      Unless he has specifically asked you not to tell your friend that he has a new gf, then of course you should tell her that he has a new gf and that it’s serious. Do not mention that you think the new gf is a better match, that she is younger, or that she went to an ivy.

    • Anon

      If she doesn’t ask, don’t say anything about this. Not your war, not your soldiers. But if she does ask, don’t tell her one way or another, just tell her those factual statements, that he has a new significant other and is moving. No opinion involved there and enough to deter most women who are just toying with the idea of getting back with an ex.

    • Anon

      Next time she made a noise about reconnecting, I’d say something like “Oh him? Last I heard, he’s got a girlfriend and it’s going well. Now what about those [subject change]?”

      And then don’t give her details (definitely not about the age and family preferences of the new gf!) and don’t have any more discussion about it. If she tries, you say “I thought we had this thing where I stayed out of that relationship since I’m friends with both of you. Don’t put me in the middle here, six months after it’s over!”

      • Would you want to know?

        Thanks! Excellent suggestion. I was thinking it might be best to get a brief “he is dating someone and it seems serious” statement from me instead of the greater detail she is likely to get if she calls him to “catch up.” I have just been so careful to stay out of it (I never thought them dating was a good idea in the first place – they are both really nice people, but the difference in end-goals and values surrounding family was pretty stark) that I started to second guess myself.

    • Anonymous

      If you know she’s making noises about reconnecting – either to you, or to others that she knows will get back to you – I think it’s kind of you to tell her this in a gentle way. If she’s your friend, you don’t want her wasting her time or affection.

    • Monday

      The basic fact is that he is not single anymore, and yes, if I were in her position, considering trying to date him again, I’d appreciate knowing. It means she can rule him out as a what-if and move on. If that’s not what she does, that’s on her. If she bombards you with questions trying to compare herself to his girlfriend, also, that’s on her.

    • Torin

      Just say he’s dating someone else. You don’t have to say anything else, nor should you.

    • SC

      If your friend mentions reconnecting again, I think it would be fine to say, “Oh, actually, he’s seeing someone exclusively right now, so I don’t think it’s a good idea to try to reconnect.” It probably is easier to hear it from you, and it could save her from an uncomfortable or embarrassing conversation. But don’t discuss the new girlfriend or their relationship, including how serious it is or that you’re expecting a wedding. It’s none of your friend’s business. I also wouldn’t mention his moving back to his home town until it’s a firm plan or even until he’s already moved.

    • Anonymous

      Please DO mention the new girl! I was your friend in this situation once, and the middleman friend didn’t tell me that the guy had moved on and was dating someone new. So I reached out with a breezy (Monica, anyone?) text and got shut down (nicely). It’s SO much easier to hear it from someone else than to put yourself on the line!

    • Anon

      I think you need to tell her, but you don’t need to do it in a “gentle” way. No need to be rude, but she’s a grown adult and doesn’t need to be treated like a hothouse flower.

      Next time it comes up in conversation, just say something to her. Forget all about the other drama – younger, educated girlfriend who is willing to move for him – and just say he’s serious and thinking of proposing. Your job is to stay out of it, which means keeping your opinions to yourself but sharing relevant facts (i.e. he’s moved on).

    • BigLaw Sr Assoc

      “everything that my friend is constantly saying men want (younger, Ivy League education but flexible career that she is happy to have be secondary to family)”

      This made me want to barf.

      -Signed state school educated full-time biglaw litigator

      • Anonymous

        It’s gross but I know a lot of men that want smart, educated women that are willing to lean way out and stay home with kids.

      • Anonymous

        +1

        Cosigned state school educated full-time in-house attorney whose most recent ex moved on to an art teacher

      • Would you want to know?

        Ridiculous that I feel the need to defend these people to total strangers, but everyone involved (all three of them) are really wonderful people. He is not just looking for a wife who is willing to put her career second – HE wants to put his career second. He has been pretty vocal from the beginning that his plan was to live in Big City for a few years, make some money, get the right experience, and then move to Home Town so that he could work fewer hours, raise his (future) kids near the rest of his extended family, and and have time to coach their sports teams. He is part of a large, close family and that is his priority. His new girlfriend (only 5 years younger than him; his old girlfriend was 2 years older) has a degree that allows her to work in Home Town just as well as Big City and also prefers that lifestyle and shares that goal. They are also both members of the same religious denomination and, while not particularly devout, will almost certainly be married and raise children in that denomination. They are both the kind of people who will be happy alternating Sunday dinners with their parents.

        My other friend is more career driven, wants to stay in Big City because that is where the career opportunities are for her and because she loves the energy. Her family is small and she does not feel the need to see them often. (She was puzzled although not resentful of his frequent family obligations.) She does not see herself reducing her workload when/if she becomes a parent (she was open to kids but it is not a priority for her). She is an atheist.

        I never thought they were well suited because I could see that these differences, while not important when they were both young and single and living in Big City, would become a really big deal if they got married. Sometimes good people are just fundamentally incompatible. I was glad to see her recognize that. I just think that she has had a hard time finding someone new and so is forgetting their problems. Also the refrain that “all the successful guys my age want to date 25 year olds with prestigious degrees they can brag about but who will put them first” has become a pretty common lament among the professional women I know.

        At any rate, thank you to everyone for the advice. I am seeing her this weekend and anticipate she will bring it up. I will take that opportunity to let her know that he is dating someone else seriously.

    • Would You Want to Know?

      Thanks to everyone for their suggestions. We had brunch this morning and sure enough she started with “good guys are hard to find . . . maybe I should call”. I just said he was dating someone and it seemed pretty serious. She tried for more detail but let it go pretty quickly and thanked me for letting her know.

      I did reiterate that it was probably for the best given their issues had not changed and that she made the right call in breaking it off in the first place.

      Thanks again.

  12. Anon Gardener

    I’m a pretty shy person talking about gardening, not the real kind. Please respond kindly.
    I am happily married with kids, love my husband dearly and he is very kind, considerate, does his share around the house etc. and a good dad. As a busy two career couple I am also often tired by the time we pack off the kids to bed and deal with the kitchen routine – basically 9 or 10pm.
    My gardening drive has waned since having my little one three years ago so I would now be ok with say once a week, whereas DH would be fine with every day (or occasionally miss a day but almost every day).

    I also have a side issue where I don’t like ki55ing, or any activities to do with the mouth. It is not that DH has bad breath, in fact he is quite a clean freak and showers, brushes etc. But I feel like the wet, sloppy mouth and tongue turns me off. I do minimal kissing on the mouth and turn my attention to the nether regions soon because I do not enjoy it at all.

    A side effect of this is that I am not turned on by ora1. I do give it pretty often and generously (especially if I’m not in the mood or too tired to do a full thing and this is easy and fairly pleasurable for me to give). But I do not enjoy being on the receiving end at all. I think I prefer a firm gardening implement to a wet and slobbery one. I don’t know if it is a matter of technique or just a personal hang-up, would like to get the hive’s thoughts.

    I think my DH is a bit hurt by this – both my turning him down a couple nights a week (ok, lets get real – about half the week I turn him down) as well as my reluctance to engage in mouth-activities. I have to literally turn my head away after a very token bit of it, so it is obvious that I don’t enjoy it.
    This has varied through the years of course, and we were definitely in the cant-keep-our-hands-off each other mode as newlyweds, I am not there anymore 10 years down the line. Thinking about my 20s, I don’t know that I truly enjoyed ki55ing or the anticipation of what was about to come gave it appeal; I have been turned on by watching it in rom-coms but in reality it is more wet than it appears to be on TV which puts me off.

    As for techniques to increase drive, I think either watching adult stuff or the use of tools or getting creative in other ways would help me, but DH may not be comfortable.

    I guess I’m asking 1) whether I’m being reasonable on the frequency thing and if I am, how do I help DH not feel rejected 3) am I being reasonable on the slobbery mouth thing and if not, how do I get over it?

    • Anonymous

      I think your frequency is very normal for a couple with young kids – I don’t know anyone with toddlers who is doing it more than a couple times a week. But even if it’s not “normal” you feel what you feel and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to turn him down when you’re not feeling it. The kissing thing is tougher – I don’t think you should force yourself to do an activity you don’t like, but I understand why he’s feeling hurt by it.

    • Anon

      You need to talk to your husband. You articulated it well here, so articulate it to him. It would be helpful to frame this as a you issue (which it is) in concrete terms. 1) things involving mouths and spit you just find gross, it’s not in the I don’t want to be close to husband. Could you compromise with closed mouth ki$$es? That’s what hubby and I do, no tongue, no spit, just external. 2) On the frequency, no one is going to tell you to force yourself to do it, that’s not fair to you or your husband, but you again should talk to him about it. There is a school of thought on trying to do it X no. of times per week to maintain the needs of both partners, not because you have an obligation, but as part of marital maintenance by doing something that makes your partner happy but causes you no harm. Not saying that that’s right or wrong, just a common rec from marital counselors.

    • The Morning Gardener

      Honesty is great. let your husband know you do not like receiving. He could be doing it to reciprocate. If he just loves performing, make it a sometimes treat for him.

      Also, we have morning sessions now. Like very early, before my little one wakes up. It is a good way to start the day – connected and exhiliated. Days are long when you have little kids! We go to bed at 8:30 many nights.

    • RegNowAnon

      Wow can I describe this without being inappropriate? I’ll try!

      I concur on the firm vs. slobbery thing, but I think good 0ra1 can be the former. I have taught my partner to do the thing I like, which is: make a fist with your hand like you’re Rodin’s thinker, kind of, but the knuckle of your first finger is against your lips, like you’re making a thoughtful “hmm” face. Then slightly open your top lip so your knuckle is up against your teeth, and then suck on your knuckle, so it’s pulled against your teeth, with a the tiniest bit of tongue action as necessary. That’s the move I like. But instead of your knuckle it’s my [euphemism]. It’s minimally slobbery and can be very firm. (I am basically ded of oversharing, but I hope that’s helpful!)

      • Anonymous

        OMG, yes this. Thank you for that awesome and yet work-safe description! I too am turned off by slobbery, and unfortunately I can’t seem to get my partner to remember in the heat of the moment that although I like what you describe, I am not into any other kind of (receiving) oral.

      • Anonymous

        Has that worked? Because I once dated a guy who insisted that he knew what he was doing down there. It was the slobberiest thing ever—just not appealing at all. The only reason it made me want to get digging was that I wanted to get his mouth away from there.

        • RegNowAnon

          In my experience, for any really good s3x you need a partner who is open to suggestion and more interested in pleasing you than stroking his own ego. But I hope that’s the kind of person you’re with now!

    • Anonymous

      You are being totally reasonable! I know the bad feeling of turning him down and it can feel very frequent. But, you like what you like, don’t be ashamed of that. Also, you should experiment. If your husband wants very frequent parties but won’t mix it up or try new things? That’s not great. I bet he’d love to try some new things. Do some experiments, try different tools and external stimulation. It will benefit both of you for you to enjoy yourself more.

    • Anonymous

      A lot of men overdo it with the tongue. I remember hearing somewhere that it is common for men to use more tongue than women want. I told my now-husband on our third date that he needed to bring it in a little.

      I think that you should take the risk and explore what you mention in your second-to-last sentence with your husband. If those conversations end in more and better gardening for you and DH, he should feel pretty comfortable with it!

      This may not apply to you, but I will say it for someone else out there. I think that there are a lot of guys who are not very good at gardening. Sure, we all like different things, but the level of cluelessness I’ve personally witnessed and heard about from my friends really suggests that a lot of straight male gardeners have very misinformed ideas about what female gardeners like. We have to tell them directly. I know we don’t want to “hurt their feelings” but we have feelings too. And we deserve good gardening.

  13. Flats Only

    Me neither. I will not be surprised to see violet actions by individual nut-jobs, since those seem to happen all the time anyway. I don’t expect to see riots. What type of violence are you worried about?

  14. Camping meals

    What are your favorite meals to make over a campfire or grill? Leaving on a last-minute camping trip this weekend and realized I have zero food planned. Just two adults, no kids, no dietary restrictions.

    • Horse Crazy

      My SO and I went camping a few weeks ago, and we did skirt steak tacos for one dinner (we bought pre-marinated, vacuum-packed skirt steak), and turkey burgers for the other (I put the turkey meat in a ziplock bag in the cooler). We did eggs and bacon/sausage for breakfasts, along with fruit. There are lots of good ideas on Pinterest if you search “campfire meals”. Have fun!!

    • Want to go camping now

      Campfire nachos, simple sandwiches.

      We tried steak and failed. Also failed at the veggie packets you throw in because I mixed vegetables with various cook times in one foil package

    • CKB

      We always do quesadillas on the camp stove when we camp. Everyone does their own, folded in tinfoil (but not sealed so you can tell when it’s done. I prep everything in advance (shredded rotisserie chicken, shredded cheese, veggies, etc.). Clean up is a breeze because of the tin foil.

    • Anonymous

      Fresh or frozen fruit with tossed with sugar (like, pie filling style) and then pour cake batter from a mix over the top. In a solid iron dutch oven with a lid, stick it in the coals, pile more coals on top of the lid if you can.

      Also, a general cooking tip–it’s all about keeping control of the fire, not about the food. Take your time, if you can, even if it means feeding the kids dessert first (one of many reasons I looooved camping!).

    • Edna Mazur

      I just made the Cheesy Ranch Chicken Potato Foil Packets from the website A Spicy Perspective for a camping trip. Prep wasn’t too bad, super easy (just throw them on the coals), and they were very, very well received. I ended up putting the cheese between the veggies and the chicken so not as much would stick to the foil and I could have it in there from the beginning. I also skipped the parsley, since I don’t get the point of parsley and always skip it.

      I keep a cheap meat thermometer in my camping stuff so poking that in there helped gauge cooking time.

      Have fun!

  15. We're just not that into you

    How do you gently explain to a mutual friend that you and your partner don’t want to feel obligated to include them in everything you do?
    Partner and I have a friend who we’ve both known for years- he actually introduced us, although not in a blind date kind of way, just in a hanging out with a group of mutual friends way. Partner and I live together now, so we obviously have plenty of 1 on 1 time, but we still want to do stuff just the two of us sometimes. But every weekend he’s asking us what we’re doing or don’t we want to join him and the rest of the group for this or that? And now it’s running over into our vacations. Previously, we would go on vacations with this group of friends. But in the last year or so, limited vacation time and an increase in family obligations has left us with less time off work and a desire to spend that time on more intimate trips. Frankly, I think we’ve just outgrown the “let’s all get a big house together” type vacation, and other friends in this group seem to feel similarly. The one friend seems really hurt when we tell him we’re doing something on our own and we don’t invite him. I don’t want to lose the friend, but I get the impression he doesn’t quite understand that while we both value his friendship, he’s not actually part of our relationship.

    • anon

      Well, I’m sure he understands that he’s not part of your relationship. Don’t be patronizing. Sounds like he’s just very social and trying to hang out with you and lots of other people… I mean, do you really think that he is super upset that he can’t third wheel with you and your boy all the time? You think he honestly wants to go on a couple’s trip with you? I doubt he’s as sad as you think. Is your friend single? If so, consider that he doesn’t have a person to go on vacations with, just the two of them. So therefore friends fill a bigger role in his life than they do for you. Just set boundaries and hang out alone when you want to. This isn’t difficult- you’re inventing problems.

      • Monday

        I also assume that he is single and just doesn’t have anyone to travel with. This is an underappreciated reality about being single as an adult: it really is not obvious what to do with vacation time, especially if you want to travel. I would be mortified if someone saw me as a third wheel like this, so I err on the side of never suggesting anything with couples. But I also don’t get out as much as I should, since all my friends are married.

        Just look at it as an uneven need. Don’t invite him when you don’t want to, or don’t even tell him about the plans in advance. He obviously knows that he is not part of your relationship, he’s just lonely most likely.

    • Flats Only

      Find him his own girlfriend/boyfriend? I’m not sure what a good solution would be, but your question sounds like the flip side of the many folks who’ve posted here over the years complaining that their couple friends don’t have time for them anymore. Perhaps some of them can chime in with the specific ways their couple friends communicated not having time for them.

      • anonymous

        I’m one of those people and frankly, no communication is necessary. Couple friends make it obvious via simply.. not having time and declining plans. It’s just obvious to everyone that couples have less time for massive friend group events and want alone time. No one needs to be sat down and have it spelled out for them like they’re a child who needs to be taught how to share. Don’t be a smugmarried.

        Also, you cannot “communicate to your friends that you don’t have time for them” and expect these people to still be your friends. Those that do lose the benefit of friendship when their relationships tank and all the sudden they’re single again.

  16. Port Townsend, WA

    Recommendations for Port Townsend, WA?Restaurants in particular would be helpful. Mom and I are going to be there for the chamber music this weekend :)!

  17. ANP

    Workhorse black pumps under $100? Do these exist? I am looking for a 3″ – 4″ heel, I am a pointy toe gal but realize these are going out of style, and prefer leather over synthetic. Would also prefer not-suede. Do these even exist?

    • Anonymous

      Bandolino used to have a 3″+ last that I found comfortable for daily wear at <$100. That might be cheaper than what you want!

    • Anonymous

      Of course they do. I just searched zappos for black leather pointy-toed pumps under $100 with a 3-4″ heel and got 74 matches. Order a few and try them on.

    • anon.

      I have Sam Edelman Tristan ones that are great. I think they also make them in a slightly higher heel. They are $120 on Amazon but you can find them on sale.

  18. Ariadne

    Suggestions for full coverage foundations for dryer mature skin? I’ve used Lancôme, L’Oréal, Marcelle, and Clarins, but not wowed. I have larger pores on my cheeks, so looking for a product that doesn’t settle in and give me a polka dot look. My skin is mostly smooth, just want coverage for a more even tone, and melasma. Thank you!

      • Ariadne

        Thank you— I heard this brand was worthwhile, but I’ve read varying reviews. I will visit an Estée Lauder counter this weekend hopefully.

    • Anonymous

      Face Atelier Ultra skin is great – it’s a silicon-based formula so it doesn’t settle in.

    • anon

      laura mercier tinted moisturizer is great. i also found that using a lighter loose setting powder (rather than a pressed powder) also helps with the “polka dot” look.

    • Anonymous

      IT Cosmetics- Inventor was a TV anchor who wanted shear foundation with better coverage

    • Anon

      Check out Hot and Flashy (YouTuber). She has great recs and advice. I think her top foundations are listed under every video. But if you look at specific videos, she shows you what skincare she uses and how she applies everything. I use IT Celebration powder (not the SPF, not the Illumination). It melts on your skin and isn’t “powdery”. But if you have greasy skin or it is especially hot, it may not last. If you blend it well, though, it is much better in those situations.

    • Ariadne

      Thank you all for the suggestions. I went in store and they didn’t carry IT, and I couldn’t find a colour match in Estée Lauder, or Laura mercier — I have warm undertones of pink and yellow on my fair skin, so it is not easy to find the right shade. The sales associate suggested dermablend flawless creator, which wasn’t chalky and when she applied it, it blended well, and had an airbrush like finish that covered up some mild melasma, but didn’t look cakey. Thank you again for all the recommendations:)

  19. Anon

    Do you give professional advice to close friends who are in need? Or do you refer them to a colleague or tell them they aren’t welcome to contact you unless their interaction with you is purely of a personal nature? Say the person was a very long time friend with few options and just in a very bad place…coming to you reluctantly because they had nowhere to turn…

    • Anonymous

      You have a very close friend who is out of options and is reluctantly turning to you for professional advice, and you’re considering telling him/her only to talk to you about personal stuff and not professional stuff?

      Surely there’s more to this story than you’ve said here. Of course I’d talk to a friend about professional matters if he/she needed help. What else is going on that makes this difficult or touchy for you?

    • ...

      Hoping this is a tr0ll post… I can’t imagine you’re a very good friend if you debate pushing someone off on a colleague or telling them not to contact you when they are “in a very bad place…with nowhere to turn.”

      If they’re asking for professional advice and you have some based on experience/insight, give it to them. If they’re not asking for it, offer to share a thought but don’t do it if they decline. As a friend, support them emotionally and listen when they share their stress.

      And take a good look in the mirror at whether you’re happy with the way you treat people who consider you a friend. Odds are, if you need a message board to tell you how to care for someone in their time of need, you’ve got some work to do on yourself or maybe you need to choose friends who are in such different fields that they’d never come to you with professional questions!

    • Anon

      I might offer some high level things to think about or explain a concept but I am very clear that what I do is different and they may need someone more specialized for their situation.

      If that wouldn’t apply to you (ie your a divorce lawyer and that’s what they need) I think it’s fair to say “things sometimes get complicated so I think it’s best to keep personal and professional separate. Here’s someone I recommend.” To the extent you’re comfortable you can offer to attend a meeting as a knowledgeable friend or prep them on questions to ask/things to consider in discussions with their lawyer/other professional.

      I think it’s situational based on what your professions ethical rules are, your comfort level and what they need.

    • Anon

      I’ll fess up. A friend did this to me and now I feel bad about myself for pushing a boundary. I was asking very general questions, and she was taking it very personally. She’s on a high horse about how much she values her expertise and knowledge (which, in the area I was asking about was very limited) and I think got some enjoyment in putting me in my place. She did refer me to a friend of hers who she hadn’t talked to in years. He was excessively kind with his time and gave me very specific advice. My friend is in an industry where they kind of string you along with appointments sometimes…where you have to put down quite a bit of money before they tell you anything of any value. Not everyone does that, but looks like she’s one of them who does. I really hate that I got myself into this situation. I don’t think I could ever be very close to this friend again anyway, though, because I feel her politics are just dangerously militant. But good friends are hard to find…This isn’t the first time she’s been weird over nothing. I will get over it. She did give some help, though. But is probably telling everyone we know now what an a she thinks I am.

  20. Shopping Help?

    I know a holiday weekend is probably not the time to get help, but here goes, anyway. My lovely daughter, fresh from college, is starting a professional graduate program. She has received a very (very, very) generous scholarship and the condition of the scholarship (besides maintaining a high gpa) is that she attend 3 events with her benefactress. One is a gala event, where pictures from last year appear to be the older crowd in full length gowns and the younger crowd in cocktail attire. Another is a dinner at which she will be sitting at a donor’s table, we can find no pictures from previous years. The 3rd event has not yet been mentioned. We need shopping help. I’m “fuddy duddy” in her mind, so my suggestions have gone unheeded, so far. I think if I compile a list of links, she’ll look at them. She’s small, usually a zero or a zero zero, and 5’3″, athletic build. She’s blond and blue eyed if coloring is a factor. I have offered to buy her 2 outfits for these events, so the budget is greater than a graduate student’s, but less than outrageous. Ideas? We have a pretty decent mall, but with here schedule, mail order with a generous return policy might be the way to go.

    • Tessa Karlov

      Is there an office within the school that coordinates these scholarships? I think if your daughter just asks them what the basic guidelines are for each event, they would be happy to make sure she doesn’t wear something that sticks out. As for the dresses, I’d go with a basic dress that she could accessorize easily and reuse throughout grad school. Alternatively, she could use Rent the Runway, but I’ve heard mixed reviews on the customer service lately.

      • Anonymous

        +1 to all this – if the scholarship is not through the school but through a separate organization, ask the staff there (preferably development or event staff). They should be able to give you good advice. Just encourage her to dress slightly more conservatively than she might otherwise – she’s going to be surrounded by “fuddy duddies,” so you have a useful perspective! She will never regret being inadequately sexy at these events. She might regret the opposite.

    • Anonymous

      I can’t help because I”m equally fuddy duddy. Just two things:

      * How about she uses rent the runway instead of buying these items?
      * I never knew that I wanted a benefactress. Now I do.

  21. Express Portofino Shirt

    I’m considering ordering a couple Express portofino shirts, which I’ve heard mentioned several times on this site. I I am a moderately busty petite, and the neckline looks pretty low cut. Am I likely to need a cami? If so, I may keep looking….

    Also open to other button front shirts with a similar open collared neckline. I can go up in price a little bit.

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