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Holiday Workwear Report: Smock-Neck Puff-Sleeve Top

A woman wearing a white top with red print details and white skirt with gold bracelets

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I saw someone wearing this top “in the wild” the other day and hustled over to the J.Crew site to track it down. I’ve been struggling to find some short-sleeved business casual tops this season, so I added to cart and am waiting impatiently for it to arrive.

Even though the company describes the pattern as “red,” it’s more of a pink in person. I’m planning to wear it with a navy midi skirt the day it arrives. 

The blouse is on sale for $69.50 (originally $118) at J.Crew and comes in sizes XXS–3X. It also comes in navy. 

Sales of note for 12.2.24 (Happy Cyber Monday!! See our full sale listing here!)

263 Comments

  1. To the poster yesterday asking about sunglasses for a smaller face: I own two pairs of Prive Revaux. They currently offer a few styles online in size women’s small. You have to sort through to see the actual measurements. Prices are about $50. Hope one of them works!

  2. I’d like to start making a small recurring donation to an organization that researches dementia/Alzheimer’s. Anyone have one to recommend? Obviously, I’d like an organization that uses my donation efficiently, but it’d also be great if they don’t send me buckets of mail.

    1. That’s an interesting question after all the revelations about the academic cabal that promoted fraudulent research for profit while sabotaging competition. I guess I would tread carefully but it could be that the better researchers could really use the support.

          3. Unfortunately, this is not that new. Several incidents in the past. I was also curious which one you were referring to. The theory has been controversial for decades and lots of egos at play. Calling it a “cabal” is a little unnecessary and some nice click bait.

          4. I just wouldn’t want to be inadvertently giving money to people who fabricated data and flaunted how rich they got off the scam, all at the expense of research that might have helped patients more, and then brought a drug to market that may be both dangerous and ineffective.

          6. Interesting that all the female researchers in the statnews article had their alternative research ideas torpedoed in favor of funding the prevailing theory of Alzheimer’s. The men quoted either were leading the field (off a tangent as it seems now), or they were sceptical of the prevailing theory, but still managed to build a career…

    5. I would donate to a university where you can donate directly to the Alzheimer’s/dementia research center.

    6. I donate through the Charity Navigator website, which lets you donate anonymously. The flood of mail, email, and phone calls from so many groups after donating directly in the past was overwhelming.

      1. YES, this — plus you can decide to donate small amounts to several organizations, and Charity Navigator makes it easy to research each (or at least check to see what the ratings are for things like how much $ goes to overhead vs to the actual research or charity.)

  3. Favorite bridal shower games? Shy bride, surprise shower, small crowd of friends (maybe 6-8), hostess says no theme but she’s never been to a shower so wanted to outsource games. I haven’t been to a bridal shower in 20 years and vaguely remember a discussion on here years ago but can’t find it. Truly, any ideas appreciated!

    1. The one my friends and I always play is the underwear game – everyone brings a pair of undies to gift to the bride and she has to guess who bought what. It’s a fun guessing game and the bride walks away with a bunch of new pretty underwear. But if she’s super shy or a prude it may not work.

      1. I’m not particularly shy and would hate this. Would not recommend for a shy bride!

        I also vote no games but if you have to do games, matching guests (or celebs) to baby photos and wedding mad libs are the ones I’ve enjoyed the most.

      2. We did that for my sister at her bachelorette party. Smaller more intimidate group with the closer friends/family. It would have been awkward at the bridal shower where with the moms, grandmas, aunts, family friends.

        1. My mom had a Pin the P*n*s on the Man game that she managed to take to every bridal shower (including mine) during the 90s.

          1. Lol. My sister in law had something like that. It is definitely a hit with those who like that kind of thing.

            One of my fondest memories of my dear late grandmother is when I opened and held up a see through nightie. She was big into ordering things off of CVS and I don’t think she realized that it was see through. I’m sure she thought it was a lux robe set. The look of complete surprise on both of our faces sent the room into roaring laughter. I have it to this day and will never get rid of it (although have not used it LOL).

        2. Yeah, I should have added the caveat that I’ve only played this game with close friends and we didn’t find it weird or “yucky” at all.

      3. I’m in mod with a comment where I said this should be at the bachelorette party and I reference a bigger bridal shower – I totally hadn’t read the original comment first very well. still think I would skip it for this shy bride, but clearly this is a smaller more intimate group where it would be fine for some. off to drink more coffee and learn to read.

      6. I’m glad your friend group likes this but I don’t think only the “super shy” or “prudes” would find it icky!

      8. I’m so surprised that everyone is icking over this — maybe it was an era? In the early 2000s every single bachelorette party I went to played this, even with the ultraconservative buttoned-up brides.

    2. The ones where you don’t play them, TBH. Especially with a shy bride who might not love being surprised in the first place.

      1. I should say- the point of games is to help serve as an icebreaker for a crowd of guests who don’t know each other, like neighbors & family friends, relatives from different sides of the family, and the bride’s friends. With a small group like this, just a nice lunch and gifts is perfect.

        1. I was recently at a shower when a bunch of photos of the bride were shown, and the game was to guess how old she was in each. It was a fun way of remembering and telling fun stories about special times in her life, and fun to see her growing up in the photos.

          1. This is really sweet.

            I’m a Virgo so I like an org chart of who the people are and how they fit into the bride’s life. And I’m crafty so I will organize a fun pin board if people send me a picture and some blurbs beforehand. It helps people late when they see each other at wedding events and in life.

        2. I went to a baby shower where they had a list of interesting facts such as who ran track in high school or was class president and you have to guess between the mother and father or in this case bride or groom. This helps each side to learn more about the other.

    3. I went to a shower recently where they had a board with pictures of the bride at various ages, everyone could write down their guesses for age. At the end of the party the MOH revealed the ages and the 3 people who guessed the closest got a bottle of wine. It was low key, let to discussions amoung guests who didn’t really know each other, if you opted out no one knew.

    4. If she’s shy, it’s likely she’s going to hate a surprise shower. I know I would.

      1. I think size of the shower matters. I found out about my surprise shower the night before – it was a ton of people my mom and aunt invited that I barely knew and I hated it.

        But a surprise shower with 6-8 girlfriends I would have loved.

    5. I went to one recently where they did the Left Right Game (or whatever it’s called). Basically everyone stood in a circle and the host narrated a story about the couple with the words left and right sprinkled in. We all had a flower (I think?) with a photo of the bride at a different age attached. Every time she said left or right we passed our thing in that direction. At the end whoever had specially marked photos got a prize. It sounds silly but was cute and we got to know more about the groom. May not be as good if everyone is already really good friends, though.

    7. I have twice hosted a successful surprise party for a guest of honour who hates surprise parties. What made them successful: the party is something the guest would love to attend and everyone acted like it was a normal get-together.

      That’s a long way of saying: no games. No putting her on the spot. No photos of her when she’s younger. Good food, good drinks (alcoholic and non-alcoholic), presents unwrapped on a table.

      If you truly must do a game, I would do something like everyone giving (1h their best piece of relationship advice and (2) have a laugh over the worst piece of relationship advice they have received.

    8. Thank you for the ideas so far! I didn’t think about games with bride’s history – I won’t be able to get any older photos of her. no family ties to speak of. (Bride has no family- deceased parents, only child, no extended fam relationships. She moved to our state two years ago and is super shy. Most of our work team is outgoing so we invite her to everything and love when she comes.) She’s eloping and a handful of us colleagues (former/current) are invited to the backyard reception, probably to help balance out her fiancés huge family. If it was up to her I suspect it would be courthouse only. We want to support her and show we care. Totally hear the folks saying bride will hate the surprise. She thinks she’s joining dinner with 2 of us at hostess’ home and there will actually be 6-8 of us. I am totally open to more icebreaker type ideas to help take attention off bride. All attendees will know one another by name and shared work history (same pods) but don’t spend much time together outside of work. Also, the shower is in 10 days – truly a quick thing!- I am traveling this weekend for family so slight preference to buy any supplies vs making much homemade (budget $100?). I really appreciate all ideas even if they don’t work for this – sharing more detail in case those of you w/ many experiences find context helpful! Please continue to share any ideas as I may need them for a different shower in the future!

      1. I just want to say that this sounds so kind of you. Even though she’s shy, it would have to feel good to have your work friends show that they care about you, especially when you’re new in town and don’t have family. Given this background, you might want to have a few ways for all the work friends to get to know each other better, which would take the focus off the super shy bride and let her fade into the background a bit.

      2. One from my own shower- the hosts bought some small kitchen gadgets (corkscrew, odd size measuring cups & spoons, tongs, type of stuff, about $100 total) and people had to guess the official product names, which in some cases were way longer than you’d think (think – not tongs, but “stainless steel rubber grip cooking tongs”). The guests were only told how many words. Winner got a prize, I got the stuff.

      3. Wedding words crossword

        Signable photo mat and take a group picture – everyone can write a wish or piece of advice.

      4. While I’m team no games in theory, I do always enjoy bride and groom trivia. Or the spin where the groom provides the answers and the bride says if he got them right or not. I’ve seen really cute variations where instead of writing the answers down, someone recorded the groom saying them and adding detail.

      5. With this background, I wouldn’t do trivia type games. Those work better when the shower attendees are lifelong friends. I would do something like having everyone write well wishes on cards that go in a box she can open on her first anniversary or something like that.

        1. Eh, I’ve always found them more fun with colleagues than life long friends. With friends you already know everything and it’s a way to personalize someone you’re getting to know. Doesn’t need to be deep secrets, but things like favorite food, TV show, etc.

      6. It’s not a game but one shower I went to, the hostess asked everyone to bring their favourite recipe and then after the shower had them compiled into a nice book for the bride to refer to.

        2. We did this for my SIL! The hostess bought a pretty pack of recipe cards and mailed them with the invitations. It was so special – so many family recipes from both sides that the bride was touched to have down in the originators’ handwriting.

        3. +1. I went to one shower that was billed as a “Spice Shower.” The hostess asked everyone to bring one bottle of a favorite herb/spice along with a recipe that used it. It was a fun way to get to know more about everyone when they explained what they had brought, plus the bride and groom ended up with a lot of yummy things to try.

        4. I am sorry but the assumption that the little woman does all the cooking in a modern marriage just gives me the ick. Like WTF.

      7. This is not a shower suggestion, but on two occasions in my life I have arranged to have a small bridal bouquet delivered to an eloping bride and they were both thrilled. Just a thought.

      8. This is very helpful context. I think a get-to-know everyone game would work well here because it takes the pressure off the bride, but deepens friendships that are important enough to her to invite you to the wedding. Bingo with “find someone who…” (barefoot waterskis, has been to South America, etc) worked well at a similar party I had.

        Also, it’s so kind of you to do this.

      9. ok two easy games that you can find free printables for online – google “bridal shower emoji game” and “bridal shower scategories” that do not put any attention on the bride at all because everyone does the same thing with a timer.
        another idea is bringing a jar with large popsicle sticks and everyone writes down date ideas for the bride and her soon to be husband, or i’ve been to one where we wrote down movie/show ideas

      10. I love this, what a kind group of coworkers! Given the additional info you provided, I might focus less on making it bridal showery and more on letting this be an occasion to develop friendships that go beyond the office. So maybe instead of a typical bridal shower game, you do something more general so that everyone gets to know everyone else a little better. Or even play a board game or something, depending on the group’s interests.

    9. I’ve done a crossword puzzle re: the bride: develop clues, ask guests for ideas, keep the clues positive, and use an on line crossword generator to create the puzzle. Print them out, and voila! YOu are done.

    10. toilet paper wedding dresses is always fun. teams of 2 and bride picks the winner

    11. Depending on your crowd, this might be fun: a hat or headband decorating party to make fascinators for the wedding. Get a variety of basic hat bases from Etsy and/or some plain satin headbands, some hot glue guns, and an array of ribbons, beads, rhinestone, netting for veils.

      Set up a dining room table with a spot for everyone and an extension cord to run the hot glue guns. Keep a couple spare hat bases in case anyone wants to start over. Then just let people craft!

      1. Similar but better, IMHO, I’ve seen and loved make your own bouquet of flowers to take home. Just get a bunch of different TJs flowers, put them in vases with greenery and have tissue or brown packing paper and ribbons to tie them up.

    12. I’m so late but I like the icebreaker where you aren’t allowed to say “wedding.” Everyone gets a clothes pin/sticker and if they say wedding the person they are talking to gets to take their pin. Person with the most pins wins a small prize like lottery tickets or a candle.

      I also like ice breakers where you can learn about the guests. I’ve seen bingo cards with things like “same favorite TV show as me” or “has multiple tattoos” and everyone chats with each other until they can get bingo on their card.

      1. I did that at a work baby shower and the word was “baby” and then we added “cute.” It was so fun!

      2. I like the clothespin game.

        At my shower the bridesmaids collected the ribbons from the gifts and glued them together to make a bouquet for me to hold at the rehearsal, but if this bride is eloping that may not be applicable.

    13. One we did that was a hit: put celebrity names in a bowl and their baby names in another bowl & have teams try to match as many as possible.

      You could have some games in your back pocket (like this one) and just read the room. If the party is lovely and easy and people are chatting, let it go; if it feels like a game or two would be fun with the group, offer them.

      1. Oh, and we did a “true or false” game, too, with memories of the bride and/or groom. The sillier or more outrageous the better, obviously within reason given the range of people there.

  4. I love J. Crew but it’s such a ripoff for Canadians. I excitedly clicked the link on this top – and it’s a whopping $173 CAD with no sale because the Canada site never has the same sales as the US.

    1. Another Canadian here, and agreed. The prices are absurd, and for a while I was just doing JCF, but the other day they were trying to claim this 100% polyester jacket was a great deal at $170 because the “true value” was $450 ???? In what world? I used to order a lot and was eyeing a few pieces, but it was such a turnoff I ended up ghosting on both baskets.

      1. We have ThredUp but it’s in USD and international shipping is expensive. We do have Poshmark, but it’s separate from the US Poshmark, meaning very few items from brands outside of Canada.

  5. Any good 2024’small-batch fashion finds? I’m looking for new brands and styles for me now that my perimenopause size has stabilized, I’m going out more, and our office clothes rules are like the Wild West (but I do still need serious work clothes sometimes).

      1. Another vote for Amour Vert. I also really like Buru–I almost always get compliments when I wear my items from them. And for a splurge, check out Mae New York.

        1. Okay, I love Saint and Sophia and Buru so closing this browser to check out armor vert…

          1. Talk to me about Buru. What do you all like from there and do you wear any of to work? It looks so fun.

          2. Oh I wear nothing from there to work, but I love their OTT skirts. My style trends maximalist and I’ll wear them to parties, out to dinner, that kind of thing.

        2. I wear my midi Tegan skirt from there to work, and some of their sets are work appropriate in a not super formal office maybe mixed and matched depending on your style.

  6. Not sure if any advice here – I was in competitive dance through college and as a result, my calves have always been huge and muscled for my frame. 20 years later I still get comments, they’re smaller than when I was competing but still big and have some muscle. Except I haven’t worked out like I used to in over a decade – and I recently noticed that they’re actually covered in stretch marks, presumably because they shrank so much over the years. I don’t want to get back to the insanely giant calves I used to have. I probably do 30 calf raises a week and not interested in going up to 1000+ again, ha! Curious if is there anything that actually works to minimize stretch marks? These are worse than the ones I have from babies. I honestly didn’t notice until I started lasering my leg hair, I’ll be fine as is but if there is something to try I’m all ears!

    1. Not really material to your question, just a nit. Stretch marks aren’t from your calves having shrunk in size, they are from when your calves quickly increased in size.

      For all manner of reducing the appearance of weird skin scars, I have had good results with regular application of bio oil.

      1. I feel like there is a lot of snake oil. But if your family gets them or never does, genetics might be at play with you.

        1. Nah, it’s totally possible. I didn’t get any from pregnancy, but my mom didn’t either, so I think it’s genetics mostly. I also gained really slowly and am tall and long-waisted, so I had a lot of space for the baby and did not show until nearly my third tri. All combined definitely helped. That said, I had next to zero control about any of this. So luck?

          1. Tall, long waisted, gained slowly, started showing at week 23, and didn’t get stretch marks.

            The one thing I had (some ) control over: exercise during pregnancy. Many of the women in my run club – all of us ran consistently throughout – did not get stretch marks.

            That said, some pregnancies are bad in ways that prevent the mom from being active, so again, not anything in anyone’s complete control.

          2. It’s genetics. I had them badly and read a lot about it. It wasn’t some sort of personal failing on my part, it’s just my ancestry.

        2. I think it’s all luck/genetics… I am short waisted and not particularly tall but don’t have any from my pregnancy.

      3. I have tons of them on my breasts and thighs from puberty but didn’t get any while pregnant. Apparently they’re actually less common as you get older. I did use shea butter every day while pregnant – don’t know if it was that or just luck.

        1. I was the same. Five babies and I never got a stretch mark but have them from puberty.

      1. Agree with this although bio-oil/vitamin E at least feels nice even if it’s not doing anything. Also, who the HELL is commenting on your calves? What is WRONG with people?

        1. Not OP but – when I was at the hospital in labor with my now 4 year old, a nurse commented on how muscular my calves are. I think about it way too often. I really wish people didn’t comment on features you can’t change, even if they mean it as a compliment.

        2. I’m sufficiently cynical that I can believe this. It’s insecurity – people who want to make OP feel as bad about herself as they feel about themselves.

    5. I’ve had stretch marks on my calves since puberty. They have faded significantly over time, but they are still there. My calves are not big at all and I didn’t have any huge growth spurt, it’s just genetics. Some bodies are more likely to get stretch marks. You can do bio oil or something like that (doesn’t really do much, but ymmv) but honestly the best advice I have is to try to see them as just a little added character on your legs! They aren’t going anywhere, and there is nothing inherently wrong with having stretch marks. When you first notice them it is more distressing (I know 13 year old me was upset!), but over time you will probably find that you just don’t care that much. At least that has been my experience.

    6. Retinols to help with the appearance of stretch marks. They also just fade over time.

      Another vote that it’s not JUST genetics. I had stretch makes from puberty (which happened overnight for me and I have decent size curves). SO I was afraid of getting them in pregnancy and was religious with the Shea Butter and Coconut Oil and other moisturizers and did NOT get stretch marks in pregnancy. Probably didn’t hurt that (1) I’d gained 10-15 pounds in college and lost those pounds (so I’d stretched my tummy/hip skin once before in my pre-pregnancy history), (2) only gained about 25 lbs in pregnancy and (3) went into labor at 39w4d instead of going past my due date and getting huger.

  7. I’m starting a new role as an executive at a midsized tech company that is PE owned, and I’m trying to decide if i need another suit and if black is fine or unnecessary. Day to day is business casual but external facing things/board meetings/etc are business formal- it’s a very different vibe than like a google or similar, people skew older etc. I just bought a charcoal suit and a navy one at Nordstrom Rack and looking at BR’s suiting options.

    1. I would probably get one in a more interesting colour or lighter fabric for summer – a lighter blue? Pink? Cream?

    2. I’d wait, I’m a GC in finance (generally a lot more formal than tech) and I haven’t worn a suit in years. I do have dressier items in my closet, a lot of good blazers (love me a Veronica Beard on sale), silk blouses, dressy pants, work dresses, etc. but I can’t imagine reaching for a suit for anything. The aforementioned work for board meetings, any big presentations, etc. I struggle to think of what I’d need an actual suit for.

      1. +1. I’m a lawyer and for VC board meetings tended to wear an interesting blazer over unmatched pants.

      2. oh yeah, if you haven’t observed in person, it’s very rare to need a full suit as a woman. Our woman execs frequently wear a non-matching jacket over a sheath or ‘column of color’ shirt and pants.

    3. you can probably get away with two suits to start. I work at a PE firm and I wear suits about half the time, the other dresses with jackets on top/dresses with sleeves. you can also get a black suit from BR or Ann Taylor – black is fine. I would do black over a light colored suit if that is your preference.

    4. The boards with which I work take a summer break in July and August, always, so I kind of fake the summer suit business. You might want to wait to see if you need summer suiting.

    5. I think jackets definitely, but not black. And not black matching. Has too much of a 20-something only suit I own vibe. Also just harsh and funeral like. Can you imagine the men in all black suits?

      If you do blue or gray matching, I’d do dresses + jacket as a matching suit to soften the look. I think your best bet is coordinated pants/dresses with jackets but not matching. Tweeds and texture are your friend, but keep it sophisticated to avoid looking too matronly.

  8. Credit card debt question for those who have been through it. I can make my payments and probably pay off in 2 years (if I show a level of discipline I have never once exhibited.) should I just keep plugging away with relatively high interest rates (24%) but sleeping in the bed I made, or try debt consolidation. I’m not even sure who a reputable source would be. My bank? Sofi who keeps sending me mail?

    1. I did debt consolidation and it was the best choice for me. My payments were barely touching the principal because of all the interest. I also liked that it meant I made one monthly payment that was the same amount every month so it was easy to budget for. Without it, I don’t think I would have paid off the debt because I am bad with money and having discipline.

        1. A different Anon than above, just make sure to avoid extortionary debt consolidation companies that charge you fees that negate the benefit of consolidating.

    2. I used Sofi about ten years ago for student loan consolidation and it was great back then.

      Another option is that some credit cards will offer a promotion where balance transfer earn 0% interest for the first 12 or 24 months. If you can find a card with that offer, that is a good intermediate step so you aren’t paying interest and can devote much more money to your principal.

      1. I’m not OP but when I had credit card debt this wasn’t an option because I had bad credit so I couldn’t qualify for those cards.

    3. Keep plugging away and throw in whatever you can over the minimum. I did this with multiple cards a few years ago. Watching the balance go down became addictive! I also had my sister’s massive support and encouragement. It made a huge difference. Getting to that goal feels amazing!!

    4. Debt consolidation only works if you have the discipline (and a plan!) not to run up the cards again. Otherwise you end up with twice as much debt as you started with.

      If your credit is good, your best bet is a low-or-no interest balance transfer offer. I made good use of those when I was paying off my credit card debt years ago. They will have a 3% or so fee, but well worth it compared to 24% interest.

    5. Have you resolved the situation/spending/etc that resulted in the credit card debt in the first place? If so, I’ve used a 0% interest on balance transfer offer (usually a 3% fee or something) to make a dent in the debt. However, definitely do not do this until you know you have the result to fully pay off the debt before the end of the promotional period or you’ll end up with a huge amount of interest in arrears.

      If you have balances spread across multiple cards, then do some reading on the snowball method – it’s pretty effective from a small wins perspective to get the ball rolling. The biggest contributor to my success paying off debt is to track it obsessively, make lots of small payments when you have the cash to do so, and find someone who is also paying off debt and do it together.

    6. I did a debt consolidation through my own bank (PNC). I researched a couple of different options & PNC had the best option. I am relieved I did it, paid it all off much faster. Only thing I caution on is that the department that approved my debt consolidation terms was not the same department / people that had me sign the paperwork. I signed at a local branch and they printed off the wrong forms with different terms (like closing my accounts after being paid off, which I expressly refused to do given how “young” my credit was). I pushed back and the local branch pressured me to sign because these were “common” terms for consolidation. I called the original agent who approved my debt consolidation & had them reiterate the correct terms to the local branch, who weren’t pleased to re-print all the forms but its not their consolidation. Besides that hiccup, everything else went smoothly.

    7. I have rid myself of about 30K through a debt management program. The one I used negotiated with the credit card companies on my behalf to get the interest rate down very low (like from 20% to3% in some cases – I had multiple cards). They closed the cards involved. There was a monthly fee ($50?) paid to the DMP but it was wayyyy less than the monthly interest I would have been paying. They show you the math and it’s pretty astounding. Like 9:56, I made one monthly payment and that took care of it. The company I used was called “InCharge”. Highly recommend.

  9. I have just realized an adult that my sister and I have a William-and -Harry narrative as far as how she sees us. I am older but 2.5 years and we never overlapped in school due to her being held back and then some moves meaning that she was never in a school I had been in starting in middle school. Our friends never overlapped. She was never in my shadow because no one in her orbit knew I existed. She was the pretty one and I was the homely one who at least was smart.

    She got away with stuff I’d never do with being nasty to people and is the most judgmental person I have ever known. She talks trash about anyone not in the room. I don’t think she has friends and no relatives of her ex speak to her even though they are the aunts / uncles of my nieces and nephews.

    I’m back on her target list (helping dad be executor of her estate). She is convinced dad and I killed our mom through neglect and is just a terror, texts at all hours, screaming at medical people who had helped along the way (or tried to, mom was terminally ill and on hospice). It’s just so awful.

    Everything is a conspiracy. I know parents often pick an elder child by default, but it’s also likely a thankless job and also I’m an accountant who is not about to lose my license over this. It is a reasonable choice and she’d be just as mad if she were picked and had to learn how to do all this and spend a lot of time on something that she’d see as benefitting me.

    Some people really earned their calls going to voicemail and getting a text back.

    1. I feel your pain. FWIW, I have a relative who is so insistent on being “better” than me that she refuses to respect me as an attorney. Doesn’t matter what I say – she Knows Better and can’t be wrong, so she treats me like a fool. It just is and no snappy or witty comeback, no number of clam conversations, will ever fix the issue. The issue is her own insecurities and competitiveness.

      Voicemail, ignore the texts, send updates via email. If you have the cash to throw at it, have the attorney who is handling probate send her the updates. You can functionally ghost write them.

        1. Nothing like illness / death of a parent to force one last series of interactions.

          At least the siblings in Succession talked to each other and seemed relatively civil. We have no real $ at stake, but so much shouting and drama nevertheless.

    2. First, I am so sorry you are going through this. It is horrible that at such a sad time you have having to deal with her nastiness. I 100% agree that you should do everything you can to minimize contact with her and are completely justified in refusing to interact with her. My only suggestion is to save her voicemails, texts and emails in case she takes legal action.

      But also – she sounds genuinely mentally ill. That does not mean that you need to put up with her or make allowances for her, but it might help you to re-frame how you see the situation because I suspect how you were raised or perceived as children has nothing to do with this. My sister have a similar dynamic to what is in your first paragraph (age gap, very different childhoods, very different relationships with our family, grew into very different people). There is a fair amount of resentment on both sides. That said, she is not unhinged and would absolutely never in a million years behave the way you describe.

    3. Death brings out the worst in people.

      My crazy sister was fully expected to fight everyone over the money, but as it turned out there was no money left. So just when my other sibling and I were saying “what are we going to do with all the crap in Mom’s house?” and talking about junk haulers, crazy sister and her even crazier husband snuck in and stole it all. I think they really think they got away with something. It was literal junk. But she just needed a win, I guess.

      She also told me that I had never loved Mom (something someone on here mentioned on the confessions thread the other day – no, don’t do that) which couldn’t have been further from the truth.

      1. Oh my god that confession post stopped me in my tracks. I really hope that OP didn’t go through with it.

  10. Suggestions for things to do with kids in and around Oxford in August? We’re doing a family trip and will have a day or two in the area. Already planning a day at Blenheim (would love recs there too…) but thought I’d try this group as you all always have great travel ideas!

    1. How old are the kids? I’d go punting on the Thames, bring a picnic lunch. Walk around and visit some of the colleges, as the buildings are wonderful… Christ Church. Have lunch in a cute pub.

    2. Have not been myself, but a friend’s family enjoyed a professionally run scavenger hunt. Google suggests Treasure Hunt Oxford was what they booked.

    3. Definitely punting (either with a guide or doing it yourself is fun and not as hard as you’d expect). There are lots of Harry Potter themed tours if that’s of interest to your kids. The Ashmolean is Britain’s oldest museum, and I’ve not been but I’ve heard good things about the Story Museum as well as of course the natural history museum. The botanic garden is lovely and as an adult I’d recommend just wondering around all of the colleges but your kids might not find that as interesting!

  11. Considering one of the Excellence all-inclusive resorts in Mexico for a milestone birthday – has anyone been? Is it worth upgrading to the “Excellence club”?

    If anyone has any other recs, please chime in! I’m looking for an adults-only all-inclusive that doesn’t have a super romantic vibe (like Secrets) because I’ll be going with friends.

    1. I would personally always upgrade where it’s an option because it’s usually better, but no experience with the resort you’re asking about!

    2. I haven’t been to Excellence but Live Aqua is my favorite all-inclusive in Mexico/Caribbean. It’s nicer than many resorts I’ve been to that cost twice as much (or more) and the food is fresh and delicious. It’s adults only but not overly romantic; I went with my spouse but we saw a lot of friend groups and some adult families.

    3. Yes, I have been, and we love upgrading to club! Worth it is always subjective but you get better service and smaller crowds on the beach plus access to a couple of restaurants and a bar with higher end liquor.

      1. Having access to a private beach area is one of the main draws for me – I do NOT want to have to fight over beach chairs on a luxury vacation. Thank you!

  13. What are everyone’s thoughts on the increasing use of astrology references in everyday life? This was not a thing when I was growing up; I remember horoscope listings in the back of magazines but most people didn’t talk about them or take them seriously. Now everywhere I go it’s “I’m a Capricorn so I do ___” or “That’s so Virgo of you!” I even attended a seminar last week on job searching and the instructor used astrological sign references to make recommendations on how to search. It seems like now it’s just assumed that we all have these astrological traits and believe in astrology.

    Look, I’m all for horoscopes as a fun indulgence but I think this is taking it way too far. I cannot imagine approaching dating, job hunting, or friendships through an astrological lens. But I’m starting to feel like I’m the only one! What does everyone else think!?

    I wonder if the rise of this has something to do with the decline of organized religion. People want to believe in SOMETHING, so this gives them something… maybe!?

    1. I’m the Virgo above and I 1000% do not buy into that. It’s short-hand for “I am just a basic person, no drama, can make a nice spreadsheet.” It’s my (Virgo) attempt at humor. IDK what other signs are supposed to be like but we seem to be the accountants of the zodiac (and I am just living the stereotype so I just lean into it).

      2. +1 Also a Virgo, also always down for a good astrology reference, also not taking it that seriously.

      4. Agreed, it’s a cultural shorthand for a personality description. Like all slang and trends it will come and go.

      5. I mean, I guess you expect other Virgos to get this reference? I don’t want to engage with it enough to memorize all twelve stereotypes, so comment like this will continue to go over my head and mark you as an astrology person.

    2. Anecdotally, I will say that I rarely hear any of that in my circles these days (mercifully), whereas when I was growing up in the 70s it was EVERYWHERE. Also I remember there was a mini-scandal in the Reagan Administration when it turned out Nancy Reagan had an astrologer on speed dial. All of which is to say I don’t think it’s anything new. Maybe you’re just noticing it more.

      1. Gen Z loves it because it’s all over their social media. I have two Gen Z kids. One doesn’t care, but one is always describing ways in which I’m such a Capricorn. When in fact all the “Capricorn” traits I have are “oldest child who is also a girl” traits.

    3. Well, I think astrology was really big in the 1970s as well, so it’s probably just a cyclical thing. Enough youts happen upon something and it becomes popular again.

      Although I do wonder if you could link increased attention to astrology with time when people felt that the world was an uncertain and vaguely dangerous place.

    4. I think it’s weird too. During my (thankfully short) foray into online dating, one of the first questions a lot of people asked was “what’s your sign” which I honestly thought was weird. And I’m a libra and pretty cautious/pro and cons/organized, so I guess I fit the stereotype, but it’s not something I think about at all in every day life and I find it a bit weird when random people mention it seemingly as a way to bond.

    5. I think it’s silly and want nothing to do with it. I’ve been asked “what’s your sign though” as though we all definitely have a meaningful one. Makes me want to respond “I don’t participate in the belief system that makes you ask that.”

    6. Weekly horoscopes are silly, but “I identify as my sign” is just shorthand to communicate personal characteristics. Only people who identify with their sign do this, so it’s still meaningful (i.e, only a Libra who identifies as a Libra will tell you that they are a Libra).

      Don’t think of it as all that different from people telling you what Friends or SITC character they identified with back when those shows were the rage, or what Hogwarts house they are, or whether they are a cat person or a dog person.

      1. If people are taking it farther than that though, then I think it does feel like superstition re-emerging as organized religion loses influence.

    7. It’s probably the fastest way that someone can make me lose all respect for them. Once you start making references to your sign, I know that you’re not my kind of person.

      1. If it’s coming along with crystals and The Secret, I feel that way. But if it’s more on the level of people knowing their Chinese zodiac birth year, it doesn’t really bother me.

      2. But it’s true at least. I’m a Capricorn and exhibit most of the characteristics and find it fun to talk about. But I can also tell you aren’t my kind of person. I think that’s fine, though. There are lots of people we aren’t going to gel w.

        1. See, as a fellow Capricorn, I think we are too pragmatic to believe in the astrology BS. So there you go.

    8. To me, each one of them is written in such a broad way as to likely encompass a little bit of every person. Like I’m a Leo – I do like bling and jewelry. But, if I start reading about other signs, like Virgo, I’m also organized and succinct and hate drama, or like Capricorn, I’m a hard worker. It’s generic.

      1. (I’ll add, I feel the same way about enneagrams, which I know is like “le horror” to Gen Z)

        1. I’m also an ENTP with a very high N and a “gifts of service” person. All of which is a bit of a crock,apparently.

          I have heard that NT is the Myers Briggs sign of the lawyer.

          1. I was an ENTP when I took the official Meyers Briggs test through work. But now whenever I take an online version I’m an ENTJ. So I’ve gone from fun, charming snake-oil salesman to an authoritative Field Marshall.

            It’s probably accurate. I miss my younger, non-jaded self!

    9. I think it’s part of the general trend of needing to “brand” everything and just a way to be shorthand about the famous characteristics, not serious belief in astrology.

    10. I’ve seen people use it as justification for bad behavior. “Sorry I was a jerk, that’s the Capricorn in me” and so on. Not here for that.

    11. My thoughts? I really don’t care if that’s what people want to believe in. Doesn’t bother me at all.

  14. Where would you go if you had 1-2 weeks to travel in August alone? Budget is 3K all in. I love art, history, culture, food, and am thrilled to walk 20K+ steps a day to explore a place.

    The last time I traveled alone, I stayed in an AirBnb in a relatively quiet city and I felt like I was too alone. Thinking either a solo place in a vibrant city OR a boutique hotel in a quiet place so I at least feel like I’m near other people and have staff/resources for Qs, recs, etc.

    I’ve traveled extensively in Europe and am not particularly into the idea of going there in August when everything is closed and it’s scorching. So thinking Western Hemisphere. Places I am considering:

    Somewhere cute in upstate New York, maybe the Catskills?
    Finger Lakes?
    Todos Santos, Mexico (near Cabo)
    Portland, OR and environs
    A Caribbean all-inclusive that isn’t totally soulless/generic?? (not my vibe usually, but it’s off season so it would be cheap)
    Costa Rica
    DC for culture and restaurants (lots of museums to keep cool)??

    Other ideas?

    1. The PNW is idyllic in August as long as wild fires haven’t started up. There’s lots to explore in and around Seattle and it’s easy to escape to nature if you’d like that aspect of the trip as well.

    2. Even though it’s stupidly hot and humid, I’d do NYC and keep cool in the museums and restaurants and shops. And see All The Shows.

    3. I’d do Vermont or Cape Cod, similar to finger lakes, or Maine or anywhere north east and quaint.

      1. Cape Cod is really a family destination in that a lot of the lodging options are full houses, and expensive. I struggle to picture being a solo traveler there and enjoying it.

        I would steer OP towards Maine or Burlington, although you can really feel the peace and solitude in both places.

    4. Vancouver & Whistler in BC! There’s lots to explore, it won’t be as hot as other places, a good combination of big city and nature, and your dollar goes a lot further in Canada.

    5. Acadia National Park in Maine is good that time of year.
      It’s hurricane season/low season in the Caribbean so personally I wouldn’t go there.

    6. I think Mexico will be really hot in August, and I would do AI in the Caribbean unless you are super into sitting on a (hot) beach or doing outdoorsy/nautical activities. I personally would do Portland OR or DC.
      What do you like to do? I personally like cities when traveling alone – museums, shopping, cute coffee shops with a book, move to wine bar. Definitely stay in a nice hotel with a pleasant lobby as a way to see people and not feel too alone. Upstate New York is lovely but I personally don’t like hiking alone much which would be limiting for something like that, but you could stay at a nice resort type place with lake/spa if you’re not super into hiking. I like the Lake Placid/Saranac Lake area for that.

    7. Would fit your 20K steps and cute criteria maybe not the other ones: Mackinac Island in Michigan — although August is high season so might be hard to book. No cars, just bikes and horses! https://www.mackinacisland.org/stay/ You could spend some time in Chicago for the art/food/architecture scene (although it’s hotter than hell in August, everyone goes to Wisconsin and Mackinac) and then go to the island.

      1. This has been my dream trip ever since I read the Tale of Halcyon Crane by Wendy Webb.

    8. I would do Quebec City/Ottawa over the Catskills. You will be significantly further north to increase the odds of it being cool – both have a good mix of art/history plus outdoors activities. Ottawa will be cheaper and serve as a good base for going on adventures in the surrounding area, but you can split your time between both. There are tons of little tons you can just go an explore, plus so many easy hikes. I’d also throw Montreal on the list since you can normally find an airbnb fairly cheaply.

      1. From a Canadian – Quebec City and Ottawa are like 5 hours apart, it’s not like a quick jaunt.

        It can be scorching hot in August here as well.

        1. Maine can be pretty darn hot in August these days too. I always see it suggested here as a cool place, and it is cooler than most of the US, but it’s still not necessarily pleasant.

    9. Not sure if it fits your budget, but maybe Banff? The town is cute and there’s tons of gorgeous hiking.

    10. Vancouver and Whistler or Toronto and Niagara (winery tour)

      Lots to do and your dollars will go further.

    11. New Zealand, if you can make the budget fit. August in NZ is springtime. Once you arrive in Auckland (where all intercontinental flights land), you can immediately depart via airport shuttle (arranged in advance) for Rotorua (a local destination vacation area) where you can enjoy public hot spring baths, historic gardens, and a Maori dinner and show (totally touristy, but you’re a tourist!). After a couple of days there, fly on Air NZ to Queenstown and arrange to tour the Milford Sound via air (“flight-seeing”) and enjoy a steak dinner at one of the southern African-themed restaurants that inexplicably abound there; finally, fly to Napier, to take an art deco building tour (either walking or in an antique car of the era), pre-arrange to feed the penguins at the national aquarium, and, if time permits, take a wine country tour. Then fly back to Auckland to catch your return flight to the United States.

      Alternartively, consider Bali — once the roundtrip flight fare is handled, it is a relatively inexpensive place to visit.
      Combine a beach-side stay with either a day trip or more to Ubud, which is bohemian, artsy, and spiritual. Enjoy!

      1. I don’t see how New Zealand is even close to doable on that budget. An economy plane ticket will eat at least half the budget, and hotels aren’t cheap. People are saying you can’t do NYC on $3k/week and New Zealand is way way more!

      2. August is one of the coldest and rainiest months in NZ. Maybe you get a nice week but it’s like NorCal in Feb, definitely not the best month to visit. Flights might be few and far between. Also, if you have seen a lot of Europe, NZ will not impress you on the history front. Arts and food perhaps. I love NZ for its natural beauty.

        1. +1 New Zealand is one of the most naturally beautiful places I’ve ever been, but it’s not a place I would recommend for those who are looking for art, history, and food.

    12. No advice other than, I went to Todos Santos in August of last year. I was with
      my SIL so we had a good time, but it was hot (and I was coming from Texas so I know hot) and there were flies everywhere. It’s also not very walkable. Unless you surf you’ll be bored in a couple of days. I’d vote somewhere else. Also I’m pretty sure we’re going to have a gnarly hurricane season so the Caribbean and Mexico are probably out. What if you hiked the PCT or something?

    13. What about the Berkshires, plus a bit of Hudson Valley on the way there? There are SO many art museums, if that’s your thing (Dia Beacon, MASS MoCA, etc). Plus fancy old houses, restaurants, Tanglewood.

    14. Come out here and stay in Sausalito as your base. Hike the Marin Headlands overlooking the golden gate. Walk Mount Tam. Spend a day or two exploring Bolinas & the beach there. Hit Pt Reyes for some gorgeous scenery and nearby oyster bars.

      You’d need a car but you’d get out of the car and walk all over these places. The weather should be great then too.

    15. Late response but Mexico City! Caveat that I’m not certain about the weather in August but a quick Google shows that temperatures at least look moderate. Beautiful walkable city, especially if you stay in Condesa / Roma Norte neighborhoods, and I think should be doable within your budget. There’s so much to do, a ton of culture, and delicious food. I’ve been twice and would go back again without hesitation.

    16. Late response, but I think $3K could go pretty far in DC. Yes, it will be hot, but everything is air conditioned. The Smithsonians are free and there are lots of other museums that are fun. Metro will get you almost everywhere you’d like to go. The food and drinks scene is pretty good, too, and the city really empties out in August so it’s easier to get into places.

      If you have time and want to rent a car, you could also check out Richmond VA or maybe the Shenandoah for some nature. Baltimore also has a few nice museums and there are trains that go there.

  15. Does anyone have a linen shirt that they love? I want to wear an oversized shirt that I tie at the bottom over my summer dresses.

    1. I like the Maeve ones at Anthropologie. Used to like J Crew but not as into them recently.

    2. I have a tie-able one from Loft, but it has a pin stripe so may or may not work for you. I also have one that’s a few years old from Gap that I can tie, but it isn’t necessarily designed for that.

    3. If you aren’t committed to 100% linen, Old Navy has oversized boyfriend shirts. They are 55% linen, 45% viscose, and as far as I’m concerned they are as cool as my 100% linen and so far are holding up in the wash.

    4. The Baird McNutt shirts at J.Crew are great. I have two of the slim Wren shirts.

    5. My absolute best ones are from Foxcroft, which is an expert shirt making brand. I bought one after trying it on at Nordstrom, and have bought many since on secondhand sites.

    6. Yes! H&M and it was so cheap and 100%. I think £30-£50 range. Love wearing it, and it’s flattering.

  16. Has anybody stayed a a Vidanta resort in Mexico? We sort of accidentally bid on and “won” a 7-day trip to either Acapulco, Cancun-Riviera Maya, or Nuevo Vallarta at a charity auction. We have like 18 months to book so no hurry but I’m wondering if anybody has any thoughts on any of these properties — best time to go, what to avoid, whether it’s worth upgrading from the standard studio room?

    1. Haven’t been to that resort chain, but I love Cancun-Riviera Maya and think it’s an underrated area. The beaches are soooo beautiful (up there with the best of the Caribbean for me) and if you’re staying at a luxury resort you’re not going to run into the college spring break crowd that gives Cancun a bad rep.

  17. My 12yo son is going to visit his grandmother for 2 weeks by himself this summer for the first time – my husband thinks I’m being unreasonable asking him to text me daily. I trust his grandmother but want to talk to my boy, also… AITA here?

    1. What does your son think?

      What do you mean by daily texts? When do you want to receive them and what information do you want?

      Whose grandmother: your mother or H’s mother?

    2. Not TAH, but at the same time, is there something you’re worried about? (i.e., the care the GM is providing or something?). My kids go to my parents each summer and have for years. I do tend to talk to them or hear about their time at least once a day (texts, pics, or facetime call), but it never occurred to me to ask for it or make a demand.

    3. I think expecting daily texts is unreasonable, unless your son chooses to text you that often. I spent an entire summer with my grandmother when I was 15 and I think I talked to my parents on the phone once a week for about ten minutes at a time. 12 is different than 15 but still.

      2. I’d spend a week at my grandparents each summer from age 7. Only called home once or twice. My other grandma didn’t even have a phone.

    4. Back in the day, when kids went to camp or Grandma’s they were completely incommunicado except for actual snail mail letters (I’m talking when I was a kid, and when my kid was a kid). It was hard but it was also good, I think, for both the parents and the kids. My vote is leave the frequency of contact up to your son.

      1. To elaborate: Your son doesn’t need the burden of your feelings (whether it’s your anxiety, or just your sadness/wistfulness about missing him) on his shoulders. His job is to spread his wings a bit.

      2. We had phones back in the day :) I take your point about camp, which doesn’t normally give kids’ access to phones, but I think if you were going to grandma’s it was pretty normal to call on the landline occasionally. I did, and apparently my mom and her sister did too.

    5. I take my friends’ three boys – ages 12, 10, and 8 – to our country house every summer for a week of “camp.” We call every night to say I love you and night. Otherwise it’s no phones.

    6. Demanding texts seems like a lot. What is it that you want to check on? If it’s to talk to your boy, then just text or call your kid when you want to talk to him.

    7. I wouldn’t call you an a-hole but I wouldn’t ask your child to do that, assuming you are interested in cultivating his independence. At 12, he shouldn’t need to be in constant contact with you, and that’s a good thing- it means you’ve done a good job as a parent. My 12 year old has been going to sleep away camp for a couple of years now and we don’t hear from him at all while he’s gone. When he stays with my parents, I only get updates from them. It means he’s happy.

    8. I think it would be really good for both of you to not have that expectation. Let texting happen organically and plan on a call once each week.

    9. OP here – I guess I just want proof of life — a text reading GM and GN. He will not check his texts daily otherwise, and grandma hasn’t been the best at communication either. Neither she nor my FIL are in the best of health and they live in a rural, isolated community.

      1. This is anxiety talking, I think. If something goes wrong, your kid is old enough to call you and call 911. It’ll be OK and he’ll have a great time.

      2. See, I think this is you putting your anxiety on him and I don’t think that’s the best idea. If you want proof of life, ask grandma to text you every day but don’t put it on your son to quell your anxiety because it’s not his job.

      3. This context makes your request very understandable…but I still would not ask him to text daily. If you trust that he has good judgment for his age, he will surely alert you if there is an emergency.

        You’re not an a-hole though. I think it’s normal to want to know the kids are fine.

        1. +1. It’s understandable and doesn’t make you an a-hole. But it would be best to let him practice his independence a bit.

        2. I don’t think it makes it “understandable,” per se, but I can appreciate your worry. I think this is anxiety more than actual risk. After all, if one of them were to fall ill, surely one or both of the other two would notify you. Even if two of three were to fall ill, you have a third who could notify you. And rural or not, they are all old enough to be able to use a phone to get help.

          This is a “safer” way to stretch his wings than his first time away being a camp where the ratio of counselor to kid is much thinner.

          It’s hard, but I wouldn’t helicopter this. It’s better for the kid (and for his relationship with his grandparents) to give them some independence. Homesickness is likely to be higher if he keeps feeling the pull from home and your anxiousness.

      4. If you don’t think grandma and grandpa can keep him alive and need to check daily, then he shouldn’t be visiting them alone.

        1. That was my thought. Either you let this go, or you decide they aren’t safe caregivers and don’t send him.

    10. I wouldn’t say A but I wouldn’t ask for daily texts either… more like “would love to see pics of what you guys are up to if you’d like to share” kind of phrasing than “I want to hear from you every day.”

    11. My 7 y/o is at his grandma’s this week. 250 miles away, rural. I have not heard from him. He knows he can call me if he misses me. Gently, as SA said, please don’t make your anxiety his responsibility. He deserves to have a break too.

    12. YTA. 2 weeks is not long and he can call you if he needs you. When I was 12 I spent a month at my aunt’s to help with her new baby; like another poster said, I talked to my parents for 10 minutes once a week (it was long distance) and that seemed like plenty. Don’t put those expectations on him.

    13. I feel am baffled reading these responses. Of course it isn’t unreasonable to ask for a single text each day from your child! I am not yet a parent but my adult sibling and I never go a day without checking in with the one parent we are closest to. (We do speak less frequently, but still close to 1X a week, to the parent we have a more complicated relationship with.)

      My husband also speaks to his parents on the phone every single day. My husband and I are from different racial backgrounds, so I wouldn’t call this “cultural,” either.

      Please don’t feel bad for wanting to touch base with your child while they are away, especially in such a non-intrusive way.

      2. I think the difference here is that you and your husband voluntarily talk and text with your parents frequently. That’s great but it’s different than asking your kid “you need to text me every morning and evening.”

        1. +1

          Also while I don’t think it’s bad to talk to your parents every day, assuming you do so voluntarily, I don’t think it’s the norm at all for white Americans. When I lived far away from mine, I called them once or twice a week and that was more than a lot of people I know.

          1. While I am not white, my husband is and talks to his parents daily.

            And while I do realize what you mean about some things being cultural norms, I also think it’s fine for parents to set family norms that work for them.

            I just have a hard time seeing how sending his mom a text once a day while stifle this child’s independence. I think it teaches him to be considerate and communicative with loved ones, a skill that will serve him well in future relationships etc.

            That said, I get that reasonable people can disagree :) I just hate for the OP to think a desire to hear from her child is a symptom of anxiety.

          2. I don’t even understand how your experiences an adult are relevant here. We are talking about a pre-middle schooler.

          3. A 12 year old is a middle schooler, not a pre-middle schooler. I flew alone (without a flight attendant chaperone) at that age, and my kid started spending a week with her grandparents at age 3, obviously without a cell phone or any other means of communicating with me. I think it’s fine to tell him that you’d appreciate regular check-ins so you know everything is fine, but ultimately it should be his decision.

            If you don’t trust the grandparents to be safe caregivers, that’s a separate issue. And maybe that’s the real issue and he shouldn’t go. But if you trust the grandparents, a 12 year old does not need to be communicating “I’m alive” to his parents every single day.

        2. +2 I am white and I absolutely text with my mom and sisters every day, but it’s a conversation, not an expectation to check in. We want to chat with each other, and that is born organically from a relationship, not from telling kids they must text.

          I kind of agree that if you only communicate with your family 1x per week you aren’t very close…but that’s another can of worms.

      3. I am similarly baffled! I have raised two now independent 20 something kids and I do not think a daily check in during a week away is unreasonable at all! For a 12 year old! We are not talking about a college student here.

    14. When my teen travels alone I don’t want to hear from her, as long as I know she’s safe. I want her to be having so much fun she doesn’t remember to call or text me.

    15. If I want to, I can track my kid on friend finder and I get Greenlight alerts when she spends $. She went on a trip overseas and I saw that she was doing well because she was buying candy, which is her love language. We would send pictures back and forth. Daily pet pictures got a response, so proof of life. She did call once from a different time zone in the middle of the night just to check in — I was trying not to have a heart attack because anything at that hour should have been awful news. Instead she just forgot.

    16. I don’t think you’re getting normal responses from mothers of 12-year-olds here. Maybe should talk some other mothers of 12-year-olds. I think you’re getting a lot of young women who don’t want their mothers hovering over them putting themselves in your child’s shoes. Your child is 12 years old. That’s a whole different ballgame.

      2. Ok, I have a 9 yo (and three other kids) and would not expect this from even a 9yo staying with his grandparents. Text grandma if you want proof of life! My kids also won’t have phones at 12, so I won’t be putting this on them.

        (And yes it’d be great if my 12yo *wanted* to text daily, but that would be born naturally out of a strong relationship. I agree with the other posters that this is anxiety making an issue.)

      3. I’m the poster at 1:38, and I’m not a young woman projecting about my own overbearing mother (lol). I’m 40 and have a kid, although she’s younger than 12 (but she has spent many weeks at her grandparents without a cell phone or any other means of communicating directly with me). Like the poster above said, I think if you want regular communication it should be with the grandparents, not a burden you put on the kid, and I think at age 12 expecting daily contact is anxiety talking… unless there’s some reason to not trust the grandparents as caregivers – which maybe there is! And if that’s the case, then she shouldn’t send him.

        My husband and I just spent a week in Aruba and talked to our elementary schooler exactly once because she was too busy having fun with her grandparents. We had zero concerns, because my parents are competent caregivers and I trust them. If you’re so worried about the trip that you need daily proof of life like a host*ge situation, you probably shouldn’t send the kid.

    17. Another mother of 12 year olds (and older children as well) weighing in to say that asking your son to text you daily is intrusive and puts too much focus on checking in with you. He needs to receive the message from you that he is competent and capable of handling his time away from you.

      I’m in favor of using time apart to give the child real space and opportunity to see themselves as separate from you. Of course, a couple phones calls are reasonable and can be initiated by you or by the grandparents at a convenient time for them. But daily texting is just unnecessary.

  18. Ugh – just found out someone walked into a bank branch yesterday and withdrew $2k from our account. Trying to figure out WTF — I haven’t lost any debit card or checks lately. We submitted a fraud request and they suggested we go to a local branch and put “more protections” on the account.

    1. That happened to me too! Ages ago. I did put more protections on my account, one of which is that a photo id is required, as well as some security questions. I was eventually made whole by the bank but it was very distressing. They caught the person in my case, and that person went to jail. I signed up for update on their case and they were eventually released but they did serve time.

      I registered as an identify theft victim and you should do that too, as well as putting a freeze on your credit reports. So sorry this happened to you.

    2. What bank out of curiosity? How did they do that? I’ve always had to show ID, have my PIN, etc.

      1. There’s an alert on my account so that pops up anytime. I’m in a branch. I have limits on how much can be withdrawn per day. And they asked me questions that are beyond my PIN.

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