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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Houndstooth Merino Wool Turtleneck Sweater

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A woman wearing a black-and-white houndstooth sweater and black pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This houndstooth sweater from Perfect Moment has really cozy après-ski vibes but would look just as appropriate in a business casual office as it would in a ski chalet. For the office, I would wear this tucked into a pair of high-waisted black pants with some chunky gold or silver earrings.

As a side note, I would skip this print on a day with a lot of video conferences scheduled. The “moiré effect” describes the dizzying wavy pattern that shows up when you’re wearing stripes or other repeating patterns on camera. If you’ve made it to 2022 without getting a little bit seasick from someone’s striped shirt, you’re luckier than I.

The sweater is $365 at Net-a-Porter and comes in sizes XS–L.

A more affordable option is from Vero Moda; it's available in sizes XS–XL for $75 at Nordstrom.

Sales of note for 3/15/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
  • Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)

438 Comments

  1. Gifting Q: DH joined a private practice this summer and is giving a holiday gift to a few people who directly support him. Will be gifting cash, but do you gift actual cash or in the form of a Visa gift card, or something else? Will be put into a holiday card with a nice box of chocolates.

  2. Calling NYC rettes~ I have an impromptu day trip to NYC on Wednesday 10am-5pm
    and am seeking more what to do recs….so far I have
    See store windows on 5th
    St Patricks Cathedral
    Lunch at MOMA (highly recommend)

    1. My favorite NY day looks different, I’d start with coffee at one of the Mamans, hit up the International Center of Photography, Jack’s Wife Freda for lunch, and shopping at the Roman and Williams Guild.

    2. My top NYC day would be start 10 AM by wandering through the Met, lunch somewhere near there, walking through Central Park, train downtown to do HH at a fancy bar in/near SoHo, wander around SoHo slightly tipsy and call it a day.

    3. Knowing nothing about you, it’s impossible to talk you into it or out of it. Buy it if . . . you can easily afford it; you have actual situations in which you will wear it; your closet isn’t already stuffed with dresses that you aren’t wearing; you aren’t going to have to buy shoes, accessories, and a coat to wear with it; and you are reasonably certain the length and cut will match your height and body shape without a lot of alterations.

    4. I’m here to talk you into this dress. I’ve got the velvet one in green and get MULTIPLE compliments every time I wear it. It’s also surprisingly versatile. I’ve worn it to dinners with my boyfriend, holiday parties, and a charity holiday brunch. It’s easy to dress up with nice shoes or dress down. When dressing slightly down, I wear gold converse. Dressing up, I wear black Chelsea boots. It’s also incredibly comfortable AND IT HAS POCKETS.

      I also have the Sommerset in a blue and orange pattern in the cotton fabric. Same deal as above— it’s so so comfy but looks put together. It’s incredibly flattering and I get tons of compliments on it.

    6. Caralyn Mirand (insta/blogger) has this dress in this print and it looked fantastic on her. I say go for it!

    7. Thanks all. I ordered the green motif color and it arrived over the weekend. I like so much about it but am on the fence because it feels like it could be a bit much. I’m considering either keeping this one or getting one of the solid color options. I’m Indian so looking at colors that go well with my coloring (I think the green motif does actually). I just can’t tell if I love this or if I am borderline wearing grandma curtains.

      1. It’s gorgeous. You’re from a culture that wears color! This dress was meant for you.

    8. I almost bought this in green and can tell you what dissuaded me. These may or may not apply to you. First, I have several long/ maxi skirts. This is definitely not a wardrobe hole for me and, if anything, I should be looking for knee length (or so) dresses that are less dramatic. Second, I am not a huge fan of tiers – they look ok to me now because I see them all the time. I suspect that I wouldn’t like this dress in 2-3 years when tiers are less prevalent. Finally, I felt like it was a pretty young look (I’m 45) so was concerned it would look off on me. These are very personal reasons (although I think pretty universal considerations) and if they don’t apply to you then get the dress!

  4. UK crew – how are you doing?? This country’s inability to cope with weather makes me laugh.
    I was supposed to fly to City this am, flight cancelled, booked a train, train an hour late and then cancelled because the loos are frozen over, I’m finally on a southbound train and it’s pea soup in the northeast.

    1. I think we’re finally above freezing now at 2.30pm – but of course none of the kids walking into the local high school this morning were wearing coats. Mostly worried about my travel at the end of this week in light of the strikes.

    2. Is this weather normal for the UK? My London team seem to think it’s pretty unusual, so unsurprising that it would be hard to cope with (speaking as a person who lives in ATL, where serious ice and snow show up once a decade or less and yet people love to laugh at us for not having snowplows or knowing how to deal with it).

    3. I made it into the office in central London, but am now slightly concerned about getting home given how much train chaos there still seems to be. I naively assumed things would improve throughout the day…

      I can generally work from home (luckily) so not too concerned but getting increasingly worried about Christmas travel plans and how on earth we’ll get North to family.

      1. We fly to Europe on the 23rd. From Edinburgh so no plans for border force strikes there, but worried about the knock on effects.

    4. The loos are frozen over??? This is crazy! I live in NYC so a few inches of snow wouldn’t cause much of a reaction.

      1. It’s a combination of the snow and the fact that it’s been solidly below freezing since Saturday – we don’t usually get that in most of the U.K. so nothing here is designed to cope with that. The weather here is generally aggressively mild.

      3. I remember visiting mid-england from Denmark in the early nineties, and marveling at the waterpipes on the outside of the houses. That would not work in an environment that has regular freezing temperatures.

  5. Literally! I have acquired an assortment of tools, assorted Allen keys, and random screws. I would like to corral them into some sort box or boxes. A tool…box perhaps :)

    A lot of the reviews seem to be directed at heavier users with big garages, so I would love recs from people who have an assortment of tools for small jobs for a small townhouse sized space (and storage space).

    2. Talenti Gelato containers are practically made to have a 2nd life as knicknack storage, so that’s my go-to for random screws and small assorted allen keys. Go eat some ice cream! As far as the tools go, that really depends on what you have. Are we talking about a small mechanics tool set and some screwdrivers, or something more extensive?
      Pegboard is my dream, but I live with an old rolling toolbox with one busted wheel (I have pretty much every hand tool in metric and SAE). There really is something to be said for having the tools visible and accessible, and easy to return to their designated spot.

      1. Hah, I use Talenti containers the same way! I also use them to hold paint when I’m cutting in.

    3. I have a cabinet dedicated to this. Not what you asked, but toss your assortment of keys and get a hex key set. The quality is better than what comes with furniture and they’re all lined up in a satisfying case of their own.

    4. Search “tool bag” instead of toolbox and you’ll get a bunch of options. I have the Husky one and it’s perfect for corralling the screwdrivers, hammer, allen wrenches, etc. Also the Talenti gelato containers are 100% the perfect thing for oddball stuff like leftover screws.

      1. +1 I am an avid DIY-er and the Husky tool bags are THE BEST. I like them SO much more than tool boxes, and they are perfect for small spaces (they come in a bunch of sizes as well)

    5. I live in a 600 sq ft apartment, so I neither have a lot of space to store tools, but I also don’t have a huge need for tools. I have a tool kit my parents got for me in college – will post the link below. And then for extra Allen wrenches that seem to come with every bit of furniture I own, extra screws and nails, and other things I’ve acquired I store in ziplock bags in my “tool drawer”. I use an old desk as my TV stand in the living room so I have a drawer that I dedicate to house stuff: the tools, super glue, extra light bulbs, bungee cords, just all of the misceallenous stuff you’d normally keep in a basement or a garage.

    6. I don’t have a toolbox suggestion since my random screws end up in a bag, but depending on the piece of furniture, sometimes I’ll ziploc bag the leftover screws and allen wrench and tape it to the underside or back of furniture, especially if it’s a type of specialty screw that I’m unlikely to use again on something else.

      1. I put a post-it with the item name a ziploc bag with the spare parts – sometimes, I keep this in the cardboard box along with the manual (which I keep for disassembling/selling purposes).

    7. Dh has a million tools and a full on workshop and it drives me bonkers because I cannot find a damn screw driver when I need one. (“Oh, it’s in the DRAWER FULL of screw drivers” “No it isn’t, there are a million but none of them work.” “Yes it is!” “Honey, I can’t find it.” “oh, well, uh, yeah, looks like I left it [near current project].”)

      My kids each have their own toolbox now and we keep one on each floor of the house. They contain a hammer, some nails, a few screw drivers, pliers, etc. They can take them when they move out and in the mean time I can find a hammer. I don’t need a case of metric unit lug nuts; I need a wrench! :)

      Their toolboxes came from harbor freight and cost like $10.

      1. This is why I just keep a screwdriver in the pencil mug on my dresser. I’m pretty sure I use it more often than I use the pencils.

    8. If you’re looking to help keep things organized, Klein canvas zipper bags are pretty handy. In my field I regularly have to go to customer sites with some tools and my colleagues swear by klein zipper bags to keep things organized.

    9. I use a plastic shoe box sized container that I had in the house for something else. Loose little bits go into a harney & sons tea tin. Being an apartment dweller, I’ve not needed more than can fit in this (and frankly I could probably throw half the contents out).

  6. An FYI and request: the Laundress has recalled all of its cleaning products. You can apply for a refund on their site.

    What’s your go to stain solution? I was a huge fan of the Laundress’s version and need a replacement.

    1. Are they going out of business? Why not just reorder? Presumably they’re fixing the issue?

      1. They are recalled because of a serious safety issue.

        I would guess they might have trouble bouncing back, since “chemicals” might have stopped this happening in the first place?

          1. For people with healthy immune systems, it’s going to have no ill effects. But of course that is not the entire population of people who use the products.

      2. Another oxyclean vote. I am clumsy and drippy, and it’s saved my favorite shirt a couple times.

    6. Powdered oxiclean (less plastic and it’s cheaper), dish soap, and hydrogen peroxide are my go-tos. I like my cleaning products to be cheap, effective, and eco-friendly.

    7. +1 on Powdered Oxyclean. They also make a “Maxforce” Gel Stick that you can keep in your closet and use on stains before you throw stuff in the laundry basket so the stain doesn’t get set in.

    8. My go-to stain solution depends on what the stain is. For anything greasy, working dawn dish soap into the fabric before laundering almost always does the trick. For grass or ink, Fels Naptha soap. For yellowing of whites, or coffee or tomato sauce, a soak in oxyclean.

      (Why yes, we are very messy in our family, why do you ask?)

    9. Dawn dish soap for anything grease related. Zout for just about everything else, but if I catch it real-time, I also employ a Shout wipe.

    10. Dreft’s laundry stain spray is amazing. I haven’t met a stain it can’t fix. And it smells like baby. :)

    11. Puracy spray—I keep it by the hamper for pretreating. And Fels Naptha soap when I feel like scrubbing.

  7. Moms of older kids – did you find you had more time for yourself at a certain point? When they’re teens maybe?

    1. both yes and no. the no was…. mine were spring & fall contact sport athletes and there were a lot of games both during the week and on weekends. one of us attended everything because if there was an injury (and there were) we wanted one parent there. the yes was…they could take care of themselves fully if left alone so we could go out either independently or as a couple.

      1. Also YMMV but as an introvert, I find kids’ sports practices to be excellent “time to myself”! I make sure to bring a good book and my journal, get a comfy seat, and just sit on the sidelines and do my own thing. The kid is occupied, the coach is in charge, and I get about 50 minutes to spend as I please (albeit in a specified location).

        1. This is what I do. I started running when my kid was old enough to do drop off activities.

        2. Same. I’m always the only one with a book so solidarity from a fellow introvert!

      2. This came up on the moms page not long ago and I agree with whoever said that the early years are more hands on physical stuff and the older years are more emotional/mental suport. For example – after we eat dinner I can send my son upstairs to shower/brush his teeth/change into PJs on his own, which gives me a bunch of time back. However – there is SO much more emotional supports he needs, we have deeper conversations about the world, I’m much more conscious of trying to model/teach ‘adulting’ behaviors (involving him in reading recipes, cooking, talking about finances, discussing careers, talking about health, etc.), homework is more intense, driving to/from activities is more frequent, etc. – and all of that only ramps up as they get into their later teens.

    2. With a non-driving teen in high school, I have less time to myself than I ever have before. For most of elementary and middle school she went to gymnastics practice for three or four hours most afternoons. When she started high school she retired from gymnastics and now has to be dropped off and picked up at various places at all sorts of hours for play rehearsals, rock climbing, study groups, etc. I don’t even get to do my own activities by myself, as she’s joined my choir and ballet class. Add to that the fact that some teenagers need to have emotional discussions with their moms on just about a daily basis, and it’s exhausting. I expect it to improve somewhat when she gets her driver’s license.

      1. It will improve hugely once she has her driver’s license, at least that has been my experience. Our lives went from a complete headache of scheduling and transporting and picking up and dropping off to…none of that. There are, of course, other worries that come into play when your kid is out there driving themselves around, but it freed up so much of our time. Very grateful we were able to afford to get him driver’s ed and his own car.

    3. My mom made time for herself. Heaven help us if we interrupted her for something less than ER-level bleeding when she was knitting.

      1. Yeah, same. Not knitting but the other projects that she did. We did have activities that we went to but they were mostly through school (so we just got picked up later) and when we weren’t in a scheduled activity we were on our own to entertain ourselves.

        1. If you make it different. The amount of self-imposed martyrdom is off the charts. Your kids will be fine even if they’re forced to fend for themselves every now and then.

          1. +1000000, except I would say that your kids will be better off if they’re forced to fend for themselves every now and then.

      3. My mom is an early riser. In the mornings, she’d make herself coffee and sit in her armchair in the living room with two local newspapers. On the rare occasions I went downstairs before she finished reading both papers, I knew better than to talk to her.

        I have a 7-year-old. I’m still not really a morning person, but I wake up 1-2 hours (depends on weekday vs weekend) before my husband and kid so I get some time to myself.

    4. I’d say by the time my son was 12, I had a lot more time for myself. After school or in the summer, he spends a lot of time out and about with his buddies riding bikes or playing at the park. He also plays a competitive sport so lots of rides were required for that. Generally, there are other friends involved so we would organize a carpool. I’d always be the first to volunteer for a 6am drop off to the weight room. Doing that bought me a lot of social equity and the afternoon rides were always handled by another parent.

    5. Mine are 6-12 and I do have time for myself! I just need to schedule it along with the 94745987435 other things. I can leave them home alone if needed (as long as the 12 year old is there), there are days when they all have stuff at the same time and I don’t have to be there.

      However, I also find I am spending what used to be “me time” activities with my kids, because I genuinely enjoy their company. My 9 year old and I went to see a show this weekend and got amazing indian food beforehand. That was “me” time because I would do the same thing with DH or a friend, but instead I got a wonderful little buddy. I went skiing with my 6 year old last weekend on Sunday while DH had the other two. She and I ski at the same level so while there were more hot cocoa stops than there would be if I were with a friend, it felt like a mini vacation, not “parenting elsewhere.” I had a beer while she had a root beer and we sat in the sun and took a mid-day rest.

      1. I caught my breath during the pandemic where we had one activity that was still active live and in person (Scouts). Now, amen to the 983987293487 activities, none of which they can get to w/o me driving (or tag-teaming with my husband). And carpool either has moms who windup being 45 minutes late or not living close enough for it to be a benefit vs a slog, so we are effed.

    6. The worst was middle school and early high school because kiddo was in a gazillion activities. That was good though because it paved the way for finding which activities were the right fit and gave experience not always being the best at some thing (or even close to the best). By sophomore year or so the activity list was far fewer (but more intense) as sports and activities began to narrow by interest level and skill. So band and softball said goodbye but time spent in golf clinics and traveling for hockey increased. (Golf is great because you can drop off at tournaments. Only kidding slightly.) Before you know it though, it’s all over. So while you’re pulling out your hair, try to enjoy what you can. It seriously goes by so fast and you’ll wake up one day and wonder what happened.

    7. Agree with everyone that it depends on the “kind” of time you are looking for.
      My kids are 7 and 11. They are very self sufficient and frequently for the past couple years they will both be out playing with friends and DH and I are like… what are we supposed to do now, lol? YMMV bc this really requires close-in neighborhood friends. So in one sense, yeah DH can watch a football game and I might have time to drink tea and read after dinner (bc showers and such are becoming quite hands-off). But later in the evening my 11YO wanders downstairs and wants to unload chit-chat / gossip / emotional baggage and cannot seem to do this while the sun is up haha. So it’s easier in the sense that I’m not wiping her butt – but I have to think carefully about what i say and sometimes it gets emotional and so forth.
      I think the 7YO is in the sweet spot of able to be independent but not yet needing serious emotional support.
      Lots of driving, too. Lots. But if it’s alone, I think of it as alone time (no screaming toddler yayyyy) and if it’s with someone i think of it as together time.

    8. Yes! I have to drive them more places, but in between I get to go to grocery shopping all by myself. I might have to edit English essays and deal with steamroller parents, but I get to online shop without grabby little hands asking for Elmo. It totally gets better.

      1. Also, I’m more of a “make your own snack” type mom than my mom-friend who is still cutting up fruit for her 16yo. We make sure there is food in the house, but I’m not chasing after them with a cheese board.

        1. How is that 16 year old going to be ready to launch in two years! I’m so bummed for that kid.

          1. I know someone who still makes sandwiches for their 25yo (who lives at home, no job, no school) every day. Frankly, I don’t think some people want their kids to launch. Certainly there is some happy medium between “30 days after college then we break your plate” (my grandfather’s philosophy) and rolling out the red carpet.

    9. When they are around 12 or so. All drop off events and sports so no need to hover. Then around 16 they get there license and drive away.

      1. 12?? My 5 year old does not have any activities or playdates that aren’t drop off.

    10. Yes and no. Obviously, you can leave older kids alone if you need or want to get out of the house. But their schedules also tend to get busier, even if you have a kid that isn’t into a million select sports. The emotional needs also increase, and you can’t plan for when those bombs are going to hit. On the whole, I feel like I have more time and bandwidth, but it’s not like I’m no longer needed and can do whatever the heck I feel like!

    11. I learned that just because my teen son was out and about with his friends did not mean that I had more time to go out myself. If anything, it became more important to be home and ready to have meals available as needed. This was hard bc DH worked out of town a lot but as the teens push away from us, they also need to know that we are home base.

    12. Mine is 7 and we have enforced quiet time on the weekends, when I can read or work on a project. I also am generous with switching off with my partner so I can have time to do stuff for me on the weekends and weeknights (partner does as well). The one thing I don’t have enough of is quiet time alone in the house.

    13. Every time a kid learned to drive, I felt like I had quit a part-time job. Mine all got their licenses the first day they were able and drove themselves from there on. Even if we were going to all games, which we did, we no longer had to be there 90 minutes early for warm-ups or stick around for the coach’s post-game wrap-up speech. We showed up a few minutes before game time, handed Gatorade or snacks or whatever he or she had forgotten into the dugout or whatever, enjoyed the game and left. So, yes, I got back tons of time as they got older. I mostly use it for actual work, but I’ve enjoyed leaning back into developing my practice, not to mention the extra $$.

    14. My only child is early elementary so don’t know if that qualifies as “older” but being able to drop off at play dates and activities (happened around ages 4-5) was a big turning point. Honestly the first couple years I had a lot of time too, because she slept so much. Age 2-4 was the hardest so far in terms of lack of time for myself.

    15. Yes absolutely. Even if they’re involved in extracurriculars, which does take a lot of time, they don’t need you as much or as often when you’re all at home. They want to be in their bedrooms with the door closed being teenagers. Their privacy means everything in the teen years, which means you get your own privacy.

      The problems are bigger when they’re teens, both because they’re borderline grown up problems and because they feel bigger to the teen, but they’re less frequent than the little kid stuff where you’re convinced your toddler thinks he’s/she’s a Hollywood stunt person.

    16. This is fascinating to me, as I don’t have kids yet.

      How are you involved in all of these kids activities/driving them, when you work? Aren’t these after school, while you are still working?

      When I grew up, both parents worked so they never went to any of my activities or drove me. I had to get rides or get there myself or not do that activity.

      Do you guys leave work early? Hire someone to do these thing? It doesn’t seem possible/affordable.

      1. I’m the anon with the 10 & 12 year old below. I live in the suburbs of Chicago.
        When they were younger, activities typically started no earlier than 5 – and more commonly 5:30-6 – so a parent had to get kids home from aftercare (at the school), fed and out the door again. Typically one parent would leave by 5 or earlier to cover that, and the other one would go home normal time and cover the back end of activities. Occasionally we had to decline after school activities, or make it work (e.g., we wouldn’t sign up for a class at 3:30 or 4 pm, but if a friend had a birthday party at 4 pm on Friday, one of us would go home early or see if another parent could take them, etc.)
        Now that they’re older, the activities also start later, which is totally a mixed bag. Good news: with everything starting around 6:30-7:30 pm, we can work a full day and then have dinner at home. bad news: that means activities are often ending between 8:30-9. We do some carpooling, but typically just make it work. Carpooling is happening to some degree, but with two kids in different activities, we have a lot of times when it feels like we’re driving a shuttle bus (e.g. tonight: drop off Kid 1 at Activity 1 today at 6pm, pick up Kid 1 at 7 pm and take to Activity 2, take Kid 2 to Activity 2 at 7:15, pick up both kids at 8:30).

      2. A lot of lawyer moms that work and are actively involved in their teens lives do a chunk of work from 5-7am, a workday from 10-4, and then another chunk of work after 8pm (while answering emails constantly). It’s exhausting.

      3. I’m not a lawyer and I work from home but I generally take a one hour break from 2:30 to 3:30 to do school pickup and either deliver my kid to a (drop off) activity or get her settled in with a snack at home, then back to work. I don’t really take a lunch hour so I consider this my mid-day break.
        I think a lot of people rely on carpools but with one elementary age kid we haven’t really seen a need yet.

    17. My kids are 10 and 12, and I feel like they are more “scheduled” than ever, but also need less help beyond getting somewhere. I expect in high school (assuming driving with older kids) and when they can drive themselves, I’ll suddenly have some time.

  8. I posted Friday afternoon about having success with migraine treatment and a couple people asked what the whole treatment plan is. Here’s more than you probably ever wanted to know!

    Background – I’ve been dealing with migraine since I was in fifth grade 22 years ago. I managed with Excedrin migraine and struggling along for a long time but in 2019 finally started trying prescription meds. I started taking triptans around then. Last year I started trying daily meds with Topamax (which did literally nothing). I’ve also tried meditation, magnesium supplements, giving up caffeine, and the curable app to no avail. By the time I started working with my new doc in early November I was at about 10-12 migraine days each month, with one of those being an in bed all day, absolutely miserable ordeal.

    Treatment Plan – I was so frustrated with the triptan cycle and waking up with a migraine what felt like every other day, so I dove into an internet rabbit hole and found my current doc, who is actually a psychotherapist who specializes in migraine. The treatment plan is a holistic approach, with a strict elimination diet at the center of it. As part of the diet I can’t have caffeine, chocolate, msg, preserved meats, most cheeses, nuts, vinegar (except white vinegar), alcohol, some fruits, onion, lentils or aspartame. Eventually I will be able to add some of these back in. I also have to drink 8 cups of water per day, sleep 7.5-8 hours each night, take no triptans or Exedrin, get regular exercise and do CBT therapy to deal with emotional or stress triggers.

    It sounds like a lot and at first it was really overwhelming, but it gets easier. And crucially, I started working with this doc on November 7 and have not had a full-blown migraine since!! I had some caffeine headaches at first (despite titrating coffee down) but I am two weeks completely symptom free as of today!

    If you want to try it, the treatment plan is essentially the same as what’s outlined in the book Heal Your Headache. The most important thing is to be *really* strict with the diet. I had actually read the book myself last year and tried following the guidelines but failed and thought it wouldn’t work for me. Working one-on-one with this doc has been 100000% worth it– I was so hopeless and did not expect this to work and have been totally blown away by my results so far.

    1. For a completely different approach – I have also had migraines since I was a kid and had tried multiple treatment options over the years without much success. This spring I started getting migraines near-daily, I think as a fun new perimenopausal symptom. I started on Aimovig over the summer. It’s a monthly self-injection that’s a preventative and it almost immediately turned things around for me. I went from having multiple migraines a week to one or two a month. My doctor also prescribed Ubrelvy for me to take when I get a migraine. It’s also a newer drug, and it works amazingly well for me. After I take it, I don’t have a migraine an hour or two later, and it’s just totally gone. No side effects, no weird ‘post-migraine’ symptoms, nothing. The combination of the two has been life-changing.

      It was a huge pain to get my insurance company to approve these drugs, but it was 100% worth it for me.

      1. One of my best friends has had terrible migraines since childhood and is on Aimovig and loves it. Life-changing for her.

    2. I am glad you found something that helps you! Many years ago I did an experiment of not drinking coffee for a month, mostly to see if I could. I was shocked that I still got caffeine headaches after tapering down for two weeks, and my baseline was only 1-2 cups a day! Some people are just very sensitive to caffeine.

      1. This is quite common, actually. You can increase your tolerance for caffeine by drinking more over time, but the on/off headache symptom is typical, especially if you are migraine prone.

    3. I started getting migraines in 7th grade, had them my whole life, I tried all the drugs and all the doctors, it was awful. For entirely ethical reasons I adopted veganism, then I realized I just….. stopped getting migraines. I get them about once a year now, and I can almost always trace it back to someone slipping animal products into my food (whether intentionally or accidentally).

  9. I know there are several of us here who work FT and are in grad school. Hope everyone is hanging in during the craziness of grad school finals, EOY business at work, and how busy the holiday season is in our personal lives. I am utterly exhausted, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel… I just need to somehow make it through this week.

    I was talking to a classmate on Friday and mentioned that trying to do finals while also being in the real world makes me miss undergrad: I only had to take care of a dorm vs a whole apartment and I had a meal plan to make sure I was fed and the gym was 2 buildings down from my dorm one year. I’m very much struggling to find the time or energy to keep my apartment clean, laundry done, food shopped for and cooked, and working out or socializing. Obviously I’ve dropped my standards as low as I can, but I do have to eat (and am paying for grad school myself so don’t have the budget for all takeout), I can’t focus and study when my apartment is a mess and socializing/working out are my main stress relievers. I’m trying to get as much sleep as I can, but stress keeps waking me up in the middle of the night.

    1. Take a minute and clean up your apartment! You’ll feel a lot better with the mess gone and a fresh set of sheets to sleep in. And go for a walk. You can’t work and study 24 hours a day.

      1. I think my issue is that even though I make time, I’m just so darn exhausted. For example, I took most of yesterday off but had no energy to do anything but lay on the couch. Monday is my 1 day of WFH, so I’m hoping to take some breaks in my work day to clean. I should also caveat that while my apartment feels messy to me, it’s still pretty clean. I just like a very clean apartment.

        1. It’s the couch laying that actually is counterproductive. It feels good, but it’s mentally exhausting in a way that forcing yourself to get up and do the things isn’t. The little accomplishments will help so much more.

          1. I know that’s what I should do, but I’m also trying to be better about listening to my body and I’m literally physically and mentally so exhausted.

            I’m still trying to recover from my 2021 burnout, I had COVID 6 weeks ago and am just now getting over the fatigue, I missed a week of work and school for COVID so I’ve been firing on all cylinders since I recovered to catch up. My body feels like crap because I had to take over a month off of working out due to COVID.

          2. I disagree about couch laying! I do think it’s counterproductive to do that if you’re truly fully rested, but sometimes I need a day to do literally nothing. I head this concept described on a podcast as a “shouldless day.” As in, you only do what you want, not what you feel you “should.”

            Getting over COVID while working full time and going to grad school is no joke. It sounds like your body needs rest more than science-lab-level clean apartment! Try to let go of the judgment and take care of yourself in this way. You deserve it.

    2. I’m a big believer in the philosophy that you don’t need stress relievers when you are dealing with a short stressful period. It’s probably time to let the working out and socializing go until the semester ends.

      1. +1. And the cleaning. Just got through this myself, and while I have eaten like crap, my house is a disaster, and the only exercise I’ve gotten has been my bike ride to/from campus, I am DONE, my grades are solid and I have the next couple of weeks to unf*ck my habitat before doing it again.

    3. good luck to you all! I worked full time and was in grad school part time and had part time job on the weekends. I…really don’t remember too much about that time in my life and I’m sure glad I got it over with when I was young (23-25)! I couldn’t do that now (age 39).

      You all rock and you will be so glad it’s behind you in a few more months/years.

    4. I was a better studier in the library or a coffee shop, to avoid the distractions of my apartment. Concrete lists were key, so I would focus on the must do’s. Since it is the end of the semester work backwards from your due dates and prioritize the right work at the right time. Be realistic and detailed. When I finished my daily list, I would go home and do whatever I wanted guilt free.

    5. I am one of those people too. Finishing up my degree in the spring, so I can sort of see the light at the end of the tunnel. Wanted to get the final project over and submitted over the weekend but of course it was a group assignment and at least one group member procrastinated (not me, this time) and we’re behind schedule. Work keeps piling on for my actual job. The apartment is not clean.
      Sometimes I wonder how I did it all in undergrad. Kept myself fed, did 5-6 classes per semester in engineering, socialized and partied, but also had some pretty bad anxiety. Now I have depression and get overwhelmed by one school assignment every couple of weeks (and all of my actual work). Ha!

  10. After a long year and an even longer last 6 or so weeks, I’m having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit. I live in Philly and have done the usual lights that I enjoy (Franklin Sq, Macys, 13th St – and I pass Addison St. on my commute every day). I’m hosting a Christmas party on Friday, I went out for festive drinks at decorated bars with friends. I’m just not feeling it this year! But I want to be less of a grinch! Any tips on getting into the spirit?

    My apartment is somewhat decorated, but I haven’t had a desire to listen to any Christmas music. I did bake cookies a few weeks ago, but then gave most away since I don’t actually like cookies that much.

    Maybe this is just Christmas in your late 20s. Or that I’m just truly so exhausted from the last month or so of my life.

    1. tbh you’re not alone. A ton of people I’ve talked to are just not feeling it this year, me included. normally we make a whole festive afternoon out of decorating and this year all we’ve managed to do is get a tree and put lights on it!

    2. I’m 46 and I have a child and you have already done far more than I have. If you are tired, rest! Christmas comes every year; it doesn’t have to be the same every year.

      1. This! You’ve already done far more than I have, as well. And I’m happily content with the amount of celebration I’m doing. A few decorations, enjoying lights as I drive by. Christmas music on. A cookie here or there. One party.

        As Anonymous at 10:11 said. You get to do this every year. It doesn’t have to be “magical” every year. And every year is going to have it’s own flavor. I’ve had years that were so-so. Some that were deeply painful. Some that were pleasant. Some where I went all out. Some that were about quiet enjoyment. You take what the year holds.

        1. Agree so much with Anonymous at 10:21. My motto is “everything about Christmas is optional.” I do what I feel like doing in any given year, and let the rest go without a second thought.

    3. I was just asking some friends about this. I’m not feeling it at all. My husband is getting, like, socks for Christmas. I feel like I’m his mother in law. This is the time of year I was diagnosed with lymphoma last year and started chemo, and I think I need to talk to the doctor about anxiety and PTSD. I’m hoping it doesn’t spoil the holidays forever.

      1. I’m sorry this season is a difficult reminder for you! That sucks. We are all about the practical spouse gifts in this house. I actually love getting nice socks.

        1. Me too! I love socks. And gloves, hats, scarves – my MIL got me a wonderfully soft, warm scarf and I think about her every time I wear it.

          1. I jumped on the bandwagon. My college aged son and daughter are both getting Bombas. We’ll see what the hype is about.

          2. We’ll see whether spouse is a convert :). He is also now getting Bridgerton tea, because thank you, Kat.

      2. Definitely talk to somebody! No need to tough it out on your own, and hopefully a good therapist can help save the holidays for you!

        1. +1

          I had a different tragedy associated with a different time of year, and it did take some therapy to stop what was actually PTSD (diagnosed) around that time of year. I’m ok now. It’s more of a memory than a terrifying reliving-it-all experience.

    4. Depending on your financial situation, can you shop for someone else? I was in a little slump last year despite having kids that still love the season. I ended up “adopting” a girl the same age as one of my kids and went ALL OUT. My kids don’t need anything, but it was so fun to shop for someone that doesn’t “have everything.” I got the kids into it too.

      1. Growing up, we LOVED buying gifts for the “giving tree” families at church. One year a 12 year old girl wanted books, so my sister and I got her a fat Barnes and Noble gift card and a written list of all our favorite YA books (we were big readers).

      2. I do this through my kids’ school and I love it. Somehow it’s 20x more fun to go to the mall with the worst parking lot because you are getting the special soccer bar for a little kid who really, really loves a particular team. My favorite Christmas shopping by far.

    5. If it helps, when I feel like this, I stop and think back two years ago when nobody could see friends or family for the holidays because of COVID. My kids were *so sad* not to see grandparents and do Big Christmas. This year, we have that luxury. Enjoy it.

    6. One idea for holiday spirit, if any of the places you normally go to are a Toys for Tot drop-off location. Maybe picking out a new toy and dropping it off could help you get into the swing of things. I did this with my toddler yesterday (she picked out a toy and we are taking it to a drop off at her daycare). And it makes me feel better knowing a kid in need will have a fun new toy for Christmas.

    7. You are allowed to not be feeling it. I think so long as you are not grinching on others it’s just fine. I wasn’t feeling it last year. I attended and hosted obligatory events with a smile on my face and warmth in my heart just to see people, but zero holiday-based cheer. I did not decorate my house one whit beyond what was absolutely necessary. I just had a peaceful holiday season where I appreciated the chance to see friends and family and get a break from work. This year I do actually feel festive. Please don’t let societal expectations or the expectations of others cause you to judge yourself negatively. You don’t have to be feeling it so long as you’re not bringing others down.

    8. I am also not feeling it this year. My mother became ill right before Christmas and died shortly after the New Year 18 years ago and Christmas was her thing. Since then I have had a kid at home and made Christmas merry by sheer force of will. She is off at college, and I just can’t get into it. I have barely decorated, not listening to much holiday music. I feel like it has been sort of hollow in the middle since Mum died, and I kind of feel like maybe not going to the max this year will make it feel less so?

      1. My mother was diagnosed with cancer right after Easter in 2011 and died in August. For years after I felt pretty down during the summer because it was when I watched her waste away. BUT… it’s better now. It sounds like you didn’t have the freedom to mourn the anniversary of your mother’s death in the years that followed. I hope that you can take that time now and, in a few years, enjoy Christmas as much as you would like to.

      2. This is quite sad and sweet. It’s lovely that you do have those memories of your Mom enjoying Christmas – it can be a time that is fraught for many families. It’s hard not to have our mothers, even or especially when our own children are growing into their own worlds. I hope that the passage of time will allow you to channel some of your Mom’s joy of Christmas some year in the future. Give yourself the chance to mourn without having to use force of will to make this time magical for someone else and maybe eventually some Christmas magic will creep back into the season for you another year. Hugs from the internet..

    9. I think of “Christmas spirit” as having several aspects. There’s the festive, merry, side with lights and parties and large family gatherngs. There’s the charitable giving, volunteering, community side. And there’s the cozy, warm, reflective side. Some years, you may embrace one aspect more than others. You’ve done a lot of festive stuff. Maybe take a break and spend a few evenings curled up on the couch with a blanket and a hot beverage and a book or Netflix?

      1. +1

        Her baseline is just different than most of us.

        She has already done 90% more than I have.

        I actually got stressed reading that she has “ONLY” gone out for holiday drinks, gone out on a Xmas lights tour, decorated her home, baked cookies and is planning a party for this Friday. And I suspect she has done some Xmas shopping.

        OP – I think you are just growing up. Time to slow down a little, a figure out what really is important and life and what gives you joy and satisfaction. Breathe.

    11. Adult Christmases are different than childhood christmases. As someone so very aptly said last week, the magic of Christmas is that someone else is making it happen. I do pretty much all of it myself now and it’s equally festive and a chore.

      Things I do to make my home feel more festive:

      1) play Christmas music. I don’t listen to whole-house music at any time of year except for Christmas, but this is the season. I have it on in the background pretty much any time I am doing something Christmas-y.

      2) make all the foods I associate with Christmas, some from my family, some new-to-me traditions. I also make Hannukah food! I’m an atheist with a cultural history of Christmas, so that’s my primary holiday, but I love some of the Hannukah foods and traditions, so why not. Latkes are on the menu soon and I’m making the applesauce tonight. There will also be a kugel at some point. Christmas foods are winter foods – oranges or mandarins at breakfast, and marmalade with toast for a snack, spiced cookies and cakes, red cabbage and a roast or sausages, and probably a duck on Christmas Day.

      3) I wear more red and green (not together) and I wear all of my Christmas brooches (not together! ) this time of year, when I am not really a brooch or a red-wearer for the rest of the year.

      4) if you have some downtime, which I don’t this year, a jigsaw puzzle. This is actually what I do between Christmas and New Years.

      5) all your favorite Christmas movies. Mine are the usual corny ones – A Christmas Story (not sure whether I will watch the sequel), Christmas Vacation, and It’s a Wonderful Life.

      6) candles. All the candles, both for the light and the scent. I like pine scented and orange scented candles this time of year.

    12. While I completely agree that Christmas and Christmas spirit are not mandatory and you should feel no guilt about just doing what you want and letting the rest go, I find that it makes me sad not to “feel” Christmas. So I modify the “ask for faith and faith will be given to you” (aka “fake it til you make it” [ shout out to anyone who recognizes the source of that paraphrase!). I go to Advent services and I decorate and I listen to Christmas music and I shop for my charity gifts and I make cookies – even when I am not feeling it.

      And somehow or other, Christmas comes. (I also watch the Grinch!)

    14. My theory on this is that we’ve let a lot go, especially with regard to the holidays, because of COVID. Now that for many people life has returned to “normal,” we’re trying to make everything SO MAGICAL to make up for lost time. The issue is, we’re not the same people we were during the 2019 holiday season. Perhaps we haven’t taken the time to figure out what is worth keeping for the holidays and what needs to be let go, and are instead trying to return full-force into the holiday season. Add that to burnout, possible financial stress, and possible anxiety over a terrible season of illness, and it’s not a surprise that it might be hard to muster up some holiday spirit.

      Be gentle with yourself. Maybe this is a year that you’re not into Christmas and that’s fine. There are some great ideas here on how to get into it more if you want to do so.

  11. I saved a few suggestions from earlier threads on this topic but Miami reccs welcomed! I’ll be staying in South Beach for 5 days soon—not a party person but would appreciate suggestions for eating (esp veg), art, and exploring different neighborhoods.

    1. I’m vegetarian, not a partier and looove south beach.

      There’s tons of vegetarian places. Couple of my favs:
      SoBe Vegan is the best. Their food is just amazing. It’s a tiny little counter service place and good for lunch.
      Planta – they have a couple locations nationally I think, but the atmosphere here is great and the food is excell3nt.
      Full Bloom vegan is perfect for a nicer night out.

      If you want a laid back bar (skews young) the Broken Shaker is great.
      Ocean drive is where all the touristy restaurants are. I wouldn’t eat at any of them but taking a walk through there is always fun. Can be slightly sketchy at night.
      You can eat inside the Versace mansion, though I haven’t been.
      The botanical garden is really relaxing and nice.
      Take a walk down Lincoln Road mall at some point for shopping.

    2. Sweet Liberty is good for food and drinks. Try the cauliflower nachos! Also Front Porch Cafe for breakfast.

  12. Does anyone know of a sponge/scrub brush for cleaning dishes that can be thrown in the dishwasher and deep cleaned back to new on a routine basis? My husband and I disagree about how frequently sponges need to be replaced and it feels like something like this should exist and would solve this mini disagreement. If so, please send links and thank you!

    1. I run my regular OCello (or generic) sponge through the dishwasher everytime I run the dishwasher. Just pop it in the top shelf. I also microwave it every evening that I’m not running the dishwasher … once I’m done cleaning the kitchen, I rinse it, ring it out and microwave it for about a minute. Give it a minute to cool and then put it on the sponge holder. A big part of keeping it fresh is letting it dry out overnight, so I put it on a rack that lets air circulate around it.

    2. Any sponge can go in the dishwasher. I would leave out a brush if it had a wooden handle, but otherwise, throw it in!

    4. Spouse bought some longer handled scrub brushes that run through the dishwasher quite nicely. They’re not exactly new when they come out, but they are clean. Sponges work less well. You can also buy dishrags that have a rougher side and can go into the washing machine.

    5. I generally avoid plastic as much as possible, but plastic dish brushes are great for this and don’t get funky or smelly the way sponges can and last much longer. We throw it in the dishwasher once or twice per week and it gets nice and clean. They get downgraded to deep cleaning/utility use once we’ve had it for awhile, and I find they tend to last for a year or so doing dish duty.

    7. If you prefer sponges then make sure you squeeze it out when you’re done using it. I buy them in bulk and toss the sponge once it starts to smell or has some residue that’s transferring to my dishes.

    8. I use the munchkin plastic scrubbing brushes – had then since I had babies becahse they’re bottle cleaning brushes. Pop them in the dishwasher if they seem dirty and they last…well, 4 years so far for the two I have.

      For sponges I buy compostable sponges from Trader Joe’s. I actually think they feel and clean better than plastic sponges and I have no guilt when I decide it’s time for a new one – just throw them in the compost (we have composting by the city where I live; I’ve never put them in my individual compost).

    10. I just buy whatever scrub brush is at the grocery store. I also buy whatever two-sided sponges are on sale – the kind that has one scrubby side. These go in the dishwasher whenever I feel like it, and if they wear out, it’s time for a new one. The scrub brushes are most used, and the bristles get bent down and ineffective over time, so these are not investment purchases.

      I also only use the scrub brush and sponges for dishes. Counter and general kitchen cleaning is done with rags. I have a basket of them in the laundry area just off the kitchen. Most of our rags are older stained dish towels.

    12. Scrubdaddy can be put in the dishwasher regularly. It’s more of a pots and pans sort of sponge/scrub than a fine china one, but the company might have more. They are soft when used with hot water, and scrubby when used with cold.

  13. Has anyone gotten a nuface or similar device for home? If so, can you comment on if you think it’s effective?

        1. when i’m consistent, i do it every night. but the main issue is i’m too lazy haha

    2. I have had a NuFace for 5 years or so, and use is a few times per week on face/neck. I do think it’s effective over time in maintaining collagen levels – some sagging that was imminent has been staved off. It does not provide an instant “tightened/lifted” look for me.

  14. Someone posted about the Leatherology gusseted folder last week and I’ve been drooling over it ever since (I will post a link below to keep this out of mod). I love it but it’s spendy for me — but the monogrammed navy version is calling my name. I’m looking for something like this to carry my MacBook Air, a spiral bound notebook, and pens — and it seems perfect. Anyone want to talk me into it or alert me to a lower-priced alternative that will fit all of those items?

    2. That is beautiful.

      Talking you into it: Could you splurge on it as a Christmas gift to yourself? Is December a 3 paycheck month for you (it is for me)? If so, could you divert $150 of the extra paycheck to that purchase? If not, could you decide to buy it for yourself when you get your tax return (if you expect to get money back)?

      Talking you out of it: What purpose will it serve? 90% of the meetings I go to are either virtual or are internal and are on conference rooms on my floor so I personally have no need for something like this. I’m a client, and all of my vendor meetings are virtual now. When I go to conferences and the like, no one really brings their computer for the sessions or meetings. Even my grad school went fully remote (and doesn’t seem to be going back) since the pandemic.

    3. I think it’s a good price and won’t go out of style. Can you ask family to get it for you for Xmas or your birthday? In this price range i would ask my brother and mom to team up.

  15. A lot of my music is in CDs. I used to upload to my iTunes but that took up a ton of space. Then I just didn’t keep up and my current computer doesn’t have a CD drive. How do you manage your older music? I don’t want to rebuy it all but just listening in the car isn’t awesome when I want to hear it as I bake or trim the tree.

    1. My laptop has a CD drive and I “just” upload music. I have some 8,000 songs on my iTunes and modern computers (mine is five years old and cheap) can easily handle that.

    2. Several years ago I had all my uploaded music on a external hard drive, and then I moved it over to the cloud. I can access it all from the cloud on my phone or iPad.

    3. Do you have Spotify or a similar service? I don’t “own” any music now, besides what’s on CDs. Even the music I once had on iTunes, I don’t have access to anymore. I was in middle school when the iPod mini was big, so I only had a few CDs before that and most of the music of my youth was from iTunes.

      They still make CD players, I’d get one for your house so you can listen to CDs when you’re in the house too, but I wouldn’t bother finding a way to own music in a new format.

      My parents haven’t had a CD player in ages, either in the house or in their cars, and yet they still have hundreds and hundreds of CDs. Which, lucked out for me – I bought a 2003 Civic 4 years ago so I have pilfered their CD collection for my car. I’ve also bought some newer CDs, which I’m surprised are still released!

      My parents do have a record player, which is fun. They got it maybe 4 or 5 years ago and their records are a mix of ones they still had from high school and newer ones they’ve bought (in fact – got my mom an album for Christmas this year!). Would you be interested in that?

    4. I ripped it all to mp3 20 years ago and just deal with the big hard drive of music. Or you could give up and use a steaming service, but I’m cheap and don’t want another monthly fee for stuff I already own.

      1. Could you describe the big hard drive of music? Like is it a big rectangular external hard drive? And if so, how do you hook it up to a phone or speaker (or car) for it to play?

        Also, we have a bluetooth speaker that it seems “remembers” a phone that connects to it and then won’t let any other phones connect to it. Anyone know how to reset it or kick off a formerly connected form (e.g., that roommate connected but is on travel for a week and now no one can play on that that speaker)?

        1. It’s on my laptop, though I also have it backed up to an external hard drive and in the cloud. I play it through earbuds if I’m working on my computer, with a Bluetooth speaker at home, or with an old old iPod in the car (rarely). I listen to a lot more podcasts than I do music, so if I were more into music I might be more motivated to switch to streaming. But for the amount of music I listen to, this is fine.

          1. And no advice about the speaker issues. I think we also had an issue like that and then just kept it connected to one device.

        2. + 1. Most of the music is my husband’s; a lot was actually vinyl that he digitized and made into MP3s. He downloaded a lot to his phone, and we stream from that in the car. I think it is currently stored in an internal hard drive in our PC (not a laptop), but the location of the drive doesn’t matter. MP3s can be pretty small files.
          Re: the speaker – have you tried turning Bluetooth off on the offending phone when you want to connect another? I guess if the phone isn’t even in the vicinity and you are still having the issue that won’t help.

          1. PPS – I digitized my CDs and uploaded the MP3s to iTunes. I have an android phone though, so at some point I converted them to Google music, which became YouTube music. I kind of hate it but am too lazy to find an alternative. I have a few playlists downloaded but most of it is just in the cloud and I only use it when I have wifi because I am extremely cheap. This is also why I don’t have Spotify. But I’m also not that into new music. (I’m old).

        1. Buying additional technology to use dead tech seems more wasteful to me. I’m also against hoarding and dust collecting, which is what happens to a pile of CDs that can no longer be used. CDs also weren’t designed to be played for decades. They have a shelf life too.

      2. Or Tidal – I can’t imagine not paying $10 a month for all the music in the world if I could possibly afford it. I’d cancel netflix before going without a streaming music service.

        1. Same, I can’t believe people can live without a music streaming service. I’ve had Spotify for years and years at this point and have so many playlists built in it, I can’t ever get rid of it. I’d get rid of a lot of other things before I got rid of Spotify. But I love music and it’s hard for me to do anything without music on in the background.

        1. +1 Especially with classical music and jazz, I haven’t found a big streaming service that does more than scratch the surface of what is available on CDs.

      4. This. Make a list of all of your CDs. Whenever you want to listen to one, just go to apple music. You aren’t simply paying for something you already own, because you are also getting access to basically all other music on earth besides your 200 CDs. CDs are outmoded. I have Disney plus now. I didn’t keep my VHS player to play disney movies I bought in the 90s.

    7. My DVD player plays CDs. I listened to some of my old Christmas CDs yesterday while decorating.

    8. My parents have an IMMENSE CD collection from being part of a music club in the 80s and 90s, and a few years ago my mom’s Christmas gift to my dad was a gadget that would play them all – you just had to upload each CD once somehow? I can’t remember, but I’ll check back with more details.

    9. Just for 1 month, get a Spotify premium account (I think there is an offer for 3 months free) you can always cancel if you don’t like it. But give it a shot! I was hesitant but my husband insisted and now I will never go back. You can listen to almost everything you could ever want. If you have some really obscure music, you could still listen to that in the car. But what you are asking for is a way to make your obsolete listening habits easier, this is just going to get more challenging as the years go by. You will save so much time avoiding the process of downloading music onto a drive. It’s all already there on the internet for you!

      1. Also I think Spotify might run some promos with Hulu? I get hulu for like $5 along with my spotify subscription.

    10. Get Spotify, it is awesome!

      I honestly can’t believe that anyone who likes music in the year 2022 doesn’t have Spotify or an alternative.

    11. I’ve uploaded everything over the years and I use “iTunes match” for $25 a year which means if I own a song and they have a match in the cloud then my song doesn’t need to be stored on my phone.

    12. Uploaded all of mine to my computer years ago and have just transfered it every time I buy a new computer. Husband has set up a Plex server, put all our music on it, and streams from his phone in the car. Don’t ask me how that works.

  16. I have an empty-nester aunt and uncle. They both make good money and like nice things. They’re hard to buy for because they have the means to buy what they like. I am not fancy, but love when I have the opportunity to surprise them with fancy things. We are only doing stockings this year but no dollar limit. What are some small sized luxuries? I was thinking lotion, candle, etc. I need a stocking for each of them.

    1. I like one very nice thing, not a collection of little things. My picks would be: a Diptyque candle, Hermes pocket scarf (works for both of them possibly, or a tie for him), Cuyana leather accessory (lots of cool little leather goods that could work for both), Mejuri something for her. Alternatively, gift certificate for a nice meal out for the both of them.

    2. Do you have any specialty food near you that would be good? There’s a really cool company near me that makes small batch syrups and shrubs (Pink House Alchemy if you want to order!) as well as an excellent coffee roaster (Onyx). Or some chocolate truffles that are cool flavors or shapes.

    3. For your aunt – can you get a sephora favorites set and break it up into pieces? The candle one was really good this year. I’d also add in a face mask, a nice lip balm, and if you’re ok getting a bit more $$ the dior cuticle cream and/or nail glow? For both – I’d throw in some favorite candies/snacks (trader joes is great for this).
      For your uncle – does he have a particular hobby? I’d pick out some accesories for the hobby, some spices or small batch coffee/tea. Uncommon goods is a great resource for unusual options.

      1. His main hobby is working on vintage cars and his motorcycle, which I know nothing about!

    4. Spices? I feel like with older adults, consumables are the way to go. The ones in my life don’t like scents so candles and lotions are out.

      Following with interest because my in laws can (and do) buy everything they want, so I try and find things they don’t know they want. I got a bunch of these lanterns for everyone this year, mostly because they are fun. My neighbor is a 70 year old professor and got the neighborhood hooked.

      https://solight-design.com/?gclid=CjwKCAiAv9ucBhBXEiwA6N8nYKvSodOHW8j_zMdhdH8NizSjIxkzCCBCfdwOB7QPo7mYJNSQMXxx4BoCAhAQAvD_BwE

    5. girl scout cookies? my 6 year old sold them this weekend and SO MANY people bought them as stocking stuffers. Even people that like the nice things in life still go for a box of Thin Mints :)

    6. Fancy vanilla or vanilla bean paste, high-quality spices (I’ve discovered Burlap & Barrel), fancy pens, boutique chocolates (Kate Wiser is my local place).

    9. Some of these gift questions have me so thankful that a) I have never celebrated Christmas (Jewish), and b) gifts in my family are for children only.

      Do lots of families really have a culture of adults giving gifts to other adults who are not their own children or parents? I love getting gifts for my nieces and nephews (all children), but would absolutely loathe the idea of having to get gifts for anyone else. Even my own siblings and parents! They can buy themselves whatever they want.

      1. I think there are as many kinds of gifting as there are families :) I have four siblings and we draw names (between siblings and spouses there are 8 of us), target is $50. We miraculously get along and like each other, and you can opt out without guilt. Everyone buys for my niece and nephew and our parents. You get the fun of hunting down a great gift without the stress of buying for dozens of people.

        1. That’s fair :) I like the name draw idea. Hopefully everyone makes a wish list, too.

      2. I do gifts when we will see each other on the holidays, which is only a fraction of my family in any given year.

      3. I give to my parents and 2 brothers, and when I had grandparents I always gave to them. We were very close.

        I also give to my one aunt and uncle. They’re mid 70s, childfree (unfortunately, not by choice), and my brothers and I have always been super close with them. They’ve never had much money and have had some medical issues lately (my uncle has cancer the pops up every few years, he gets treated, goes into remission, and then it pops up again). My parents, brothers, and I all buy gifts for them, as do this couple who are their best friends, and those are the only gifts they usually get. Money’s tight so they don’t gift to each other and they’re not as close with their other siblings. They also give my brothers and I very generous gifts (though we’d rather they dont!) so we’d like to reciprocate. I do try to give them very practical gifts – when my uncle had cancer the first time they sold their house and downsized to a condo, so I try not to give “stuff”. For example, this year my aunt is getting a cookbook and candles and my uncle is getting a winter hat because my aunt specifically mentioned he needs a new one.

        I don’t give to my other aunts and uncles, or to my cousins. Other aunts and uncles have spouses and kids to exchange gifts with.

      4. This varies wildly by family. In mine, I give and receive from my parents and daughter (she is an adult now; when she was little my parents used to take her to “buy” me a gift or help her make something). I am not married so no spouse to give or received gifts. My mother’s parents gave me a small gift when they were living. I also gift my siblings’ children and they give my daughter a present (usually a book off her wish list).

        My father’s mother gets cash from all of her grandchildren and adult great-grandchildren. She is living on extremely limited income and the money we send makes it possible for her to have the small non-necessities she might want. (Her children pay her property taxes and property insurance as their gift.)

        Unwrapping presents on Christmas morning is an important part of the celebration in my family. At this point, the only person who could not buy for themselves is my daughter who is a recent college grad. The biggest gift to me from my parents is that I can trust them to shop. I give them the general idea of what I want and count on them to do the research. And I tend to buy things they could get for themselves but wouldn’t spend the money. (They have plenty of money but that is because they are quite frugal.)

    10. Most years, my MIL buys us small but expensive bottles of olive oil and balsamic vinegar from a local specialty food store, and I love them. I’d also love chocolates from a local chocolatier–they don’t ship right now, so not a specific recommendation, but you may be able to find something in your area.

      1. +1 to fancy local chocolates. I’m someone who has most everything and my whole family would adore a small box from the local chocolatier. I have a hard time making a special trip to spend an absurd amount per chocolate (though total price doesn’t have to be too high if it’s a small box), but this would be a fantastic gift.

        Expensive olive oil or a nice bottle of wine or spirits would also be great.

        We have scent sensitivity in my household, so most things scented would be the opposite of nice as we figure out how to get it out of our house quickly.

    11. Aesop hand soap is perfect for this type of extravagant treat for people who have everything. I gave it to wealthy relatives who loaned us their ski chalet and they raved about it and said they went to buy it again and almost had a heart attack when they saw the price. It struck the perfect note.

  17. I saw some pictures of the Nobel prize dinner. Things I noted: 1. The Swedish royal family looks so lovely! I would love be a ruler here b/c I am less likely to go as a winner than I am as a Swedish royal and bet it would be an awesome event. Maybe I could be a cater-waiter? 2. These buildings are lovely and old and have high ceilings — how on earth can you bring these spaces to a comfortable temperature in winter in a place so far north? I feel a bit grateful to be a commoner with modern central heating and yet in awe of Swedish HVAC abilities b/c no one was hunched over and looking cold.

    2. +1, I was at an event last week in a similar space, and even the women (in dresses) were complaining that they were overheating. Had to open the windows!

    3. I went to a similar (not so grand though) event at Akershus castle in Oslo (the Abel prize laureate dinner). No issues with the temps or air quality. The castle which is build in the middleages, has been renovated, but I suspect part of the answer is as above. Lots of people heating the rooms, and high ceilings that make sure the air can circulate.

    4. Swede here. Can’t comment on the heating, I had the same thought.
      The Nobel prize dinner is like our Oscars. Lots of photos and commentary about the dresses, and who sat next to who. Everyone remembers Princess Madeline’s “baywatch dress” from at least a decade ago.
      My aunt got to go one year with her professor husband (he was not a prize winner though). That’s the only person I know who has gotten to go. Other ways to get in: be a random celebrity, go to a Stockholm university and get to volunteer as an usher at the event, be a politician in parliament (not sure if they all get to go or only the parties’ leaders), or go as someone’s date. Or start on that chemistry PhD or epic novel now!

  18. For the cancer survivors (and other serious illness survivors) — did you get PTSD at any point? I’m struggling a lot with the anniversary of diagnosis, and my GAD-7 score shows moderate anxiety disorder. I looked up a PTSD screening last night and was like, hmm, yep. I’ll talk to my doctor soon, but it’ll probably take a few months to get into therapy. I’m trying to up my yoga practice based on The Body Keeps the Score. What else helps?

    1. Oh, in case it’s relevant, symptoms are anger, avoidance, easily irritated, struggle sleeping, struggle planning, and struggle focusing.

      1. I don’t have much advice, but I want you to know I’m thinking of you, Curious. Be gentle with yourself and let the people closest to you know that you’re struggling with this. I promise that they love you and want to help, even if that just means giving you grace when you’re irritated or avoiding them. You’ve identified what’s going on, which is huge.

    2. Hello there. I’m not a serious illness survivor, but I do have PTSD. In other reading and conversations with my therapist, I learned that PTSD is something that happens to people with serious illnesses, and it’s totally understandable. This will be a long post, but here’s what’s helped me (in my very long journey!!)

      The Body Keeps the Score was excellent. It made me feel seen, and I loved it because it has actual actionable steps in it. Because of that book, I started doing yoga regularly. I especially like yin yoga, but some trauma survivors find that to be too slow at first. The main thing is that I’ve been doing it at home and then also taking a class from an instructor who is trauma informed. I found her by asking the owner of my favorite yoga studio who she would recommend for someone who is trying to heal from PTSD. For home, I like Yoga with Kassandra, the Underbelly, and Yoga with Adrienne.

      Also, therapy! I have some friends who have benefited from EMDR. I actually did DBT therapy for many years, and then transitioned into DBT prolonged exposure therapy. I never tried EMDR because the prolonged exposure worked very well for me. My sessions were basically me telling the story over and over and over again in first-person present tense. I did not start with my Big Trauma. We worked together to decide what to start with. In fact, I never had to do this with my Big Trauma because doing it with the adjacent traumas helped rewire my brain such that the panic attacks and constant anxiety have stopped.

      I also have started taking an SSRI. I think Zoloft is actually approved in the US to treat PTSD, but I started on Lexapro and it helped me, so I’m sticking with it!

      Finally, I have developed a “tool box” for when I’m in distress. This is different for everyone, but I have things like a mindless game that I only play when very distressed, some ice packs in the freezer in case I start to have a panic attack, and a very relaxing bedtime ritual (a lot of my panic sets in as I’m falling asleep). I also mediate several times a week and have certain guided sessions on the Calm app that I will use if I know I’m having or about to have a more difficult day. I give myself permission to leave ANY situation that triggers me.

      No matter what your journey is, the most most important thing is to be patient with yourself and have grace just like you would for your best friend. It’s a difficult problem to tackle, and it’s hard work. There was a time earlier this year that I was in a very deep hole and just couldn’t muster the energy to do anything other than focus on inching out. After months of work, I’m feeling the best I have in my whole life. Realizing what’s going on is such an important first step!

    3. Yes, so much yes. I struggle most around the anniversary of my last round of chemo (which was on my birthday – it was a real kick me while I’m down kind of day.)

      I try to take time off work or work from a different locations to shuffle things up. Maybe a day of doc writing in the Spheres? Last year it took me a solid couple of weeks to work through it, so we’ll see how this year goes. I’m hoping time helps?

      1. Oh, thank you. I bet I could get down to the Spheres next week. Good idea. And wow, I’m so sorry about your birthday. That’s no fun at all.

    4. Curious, yes I did for both of them–both the dates of DX, and then the various surgeries, treatments. The breast cancer also re-triggered the PTSD from being sexually abused as a small girl. It was bad enough that I took advantage of St. Luke’s counseling for breast cancer survivors as I was angry and clenched and lashing out at my husband (who is my favorite person in the entire world).

      I also still get very anxious around scans; this year will be an MRI and while that is far less uncomfortable, of course it sees even more. I tend to feel like I’m waiting for the next cancer DX.

      The counseling helped so much, I hated it with my entire being as I had done so much recovery work around being a sexual abuse survivor. I use my experience in my volunteer work with MOCSA (a local nonprofit that helps sexual abuse survivors); it was apparently eye opening when I spoke at KU Med and mentioned the things that were triggering to me.

      Much love to you, this is the other side of cancer that just doesn’t seem to get as noticed (except of course by us).

      1. And for the rest of the Rettes, if you have dense breast tissue, opt for the 3D mammogram. It sees much, much more. PSA done.

      2. I have the upmost respect and admiration for your journey and willingness to share. I work at KU Med, and I believe we added CSA screening to our cancer treatment planning program after you shared it with us. I know that we now routinely include questions about CSA in our medical history, anyway.

        1. OK I’m crying now. Thank you for sharing that. I hope to help others, this is so affirming.

      3. So much respect to you. Yes, counseling is a lot of work, and it’s not work I wanted to take on, but I think it’s time. Thank you for sharing your story.

    5. Yes, totally have anxiety and stress after coming out the other side of cancer treatment. About 6 months after all treatments, I got a therapist name from my ob-gyn. I was stressed, couldn’t sleep, short tempered with my kids and husband, you name it. Therapy has helped, as has time (been in therapy about a year, so 1.5 years after cancer treatments finished.). Part of me feels like I just can’t handle work stress at the same level anymore. But it definitely got better. I hadn’t ever done therapy before so this is all new to me. It’s helpful.
      Meditation helped, walking outside, reminding myself “I am okay” when I’m stressed or anxious, doing something mindful just for me. And not reading about cancer recurrence every day!

      1. Oh also, reminders to get back into things have been helpful. My stress is also Covid-related, as it’s hard to untangle Covid fears from cancer fears. (Don’t get me started on the fact that my husband wasn’t allowed into the hospital when I had surgery.). I’m trying to do stuff this season. I read Rubin’s The Happiness Project, and recommend it. She was not unhappy, but took a systematic approach to enjoy life more that I liked.

        1. The look on my face when I read that your husband couldn’t be in the hospital with you… Oh, Anonymous, I’m sorry.

    6. As was said above, it is astounding to me as a survivor to realize how much harder the “other” side of cancer is. Active treatment is hard, but man, everyone shows up for you. And you feel like you’re “doing” something. The other side? The part you get if you’re lucky? So f-ing hard. Your body is not the same. So very much stuff is triggering. And everyone thinks you’re done, you’re good. Like so much stuff in life, it does feel like it’s muted over time. I’m three years out and it’s not so fresh. For me, working out and getting outside are my therapy. And finding new traditions that accept who you are and where you are right now.

      1. “And everyone thinks you’re done, you’re good.”

        I get really tired of people saying “You’re cured now, right?”

        Well no. I have no evidence of disease right this second. And I can say I’m cured when I die from something else. But the fact remains my cells like to do bad mutating things. So I tiptoe around the word “cured” and wish people would stop saying that about cancer. It’s not like my fractured pelvis, which was broken and is now healed.

    7. I commented above. I lost a child (3 years old) to an unexpected and unpredictable illness, and have a really hard time around the time of year she died. It’s better now, and it has been several years, but the first year was awful.

      I was diagnosed with PTSD and given antidepressants of the anti-anxiety type, but what really helped was therapy and time. That time of year is now more of a memory rather than reliving a terrifying time.

      My symptoms were somewhat different than yours, though I probably was irritable from the perspective of people around me. The main thing was a fight or flight response – rapid heartbeat, trembling, an I need to get out of here feeling like extreme claustrophobia. I felt sort of like a lot of dogs feel on the 4th of July.

      All the hugs to you. Address it now but also be kind to yourself. Your last priority should be whether you’re ruining anyone’s holiday (I had the same feelings but they’re useless) – just focus on your own mental health, and give yourself a break. You’re human.

      1. Thank you, Anon. I’m so sorry for your loss. No parent should have to lose a child. I cannot imagine. All the love to you.

    8. There are some wonderful posts here advising you. I’m so sorry you are struggling with this, and yes yes yes it is so common. It actually is very common for PTSD to develop in caregivers for those with serious cancer (spouses/children) too.

      I just wanted to say it is so important that you realized this, and are going to try to treat it. Doctor’s fail you by not warning you that this happens frequently, and by not screening for it at every visit.
      Counseling/EMDR, SSRIs/medications/propranolol, and numerous strategies for alternative/complementary approaches (yes – exercise/meditation/mindfulness/yoga/Tai Chi/massage and even the simple 5/7/8 breathing exercises, 54321 Grounding technique and more) have all shown evidence of benefit.

      Not only is it important that we all adopt these approaches in our life to improve our mood and quality of life, but research is showing that using these approaches… which decreases sympathetic nervous system activation seen with recurrent stress/anxiety/PTSD may also improve the immune system’s responsiveness for killing cancer cells and preventing metastases. The studies are really fascinating and exciting.

      And in my mind, every single person with a chronic disease should be hooked in with a psychiatrist or palliative care doctor or complementary medicine clinic to maximize their mood/sleep/energy and makes sure they are living to the fullest – and potentially – to help slow the progression of their disease.

      I try to do it to keep cancer cells away, myself. My genetics/family history tells me this is in my future.

    9. Yes. I survived a serious illness in my 20s (not cancer). I am terrified of doctors and hospitals and do not trust that they will listen to me or believe me. When things are particularly bad, I take my husband with me to appointments so he can help listen and ask questions in case I am too stressed to handle everything myself.

    10. I have it from being a caregiver. The role of trauma in medical settings and caregiving is just starting to be researched. If you search for thomson, McGrath, trauma, and caregiving you’ll pull up some resources. Narrative therapy is what was recommended. Basically documenting what happened to you that brought about the trauma in a supportive setting.

      1. Thank you for being a caregiver. It was traumatic for my husband, too. You are a lifeline and a blessing and I am so grateful for the sacrifices you made on the person you supported’s behalf. And I hope you find peace.

          1. Thank you – coming back now. It’s an ongoing caregiver role and it’s for my terminally-ill husband so the trauma has been substantial. My thoughts are with all of you who are dealing with it from the illness side.

    11. Thanks, all. You gave me the affirmation I needed. I have a quick med appointment with my PCP this afternoon, am back on the waitlist for therapy, and have clued in my husband, mom, and boss. The latter is also a cancer survivor. This community gives me strength. I appreciate you.

      1. I’m late to this post, but wanted to add that I didn’t so much see my issues as PTSD as just anxiety from the point of diagnosis. I picked my treatment plan based on reducing further scans because of the impact they had on me (I was the most level headed big 4 partner at the time of diagnosis and lost any ability to focus). I started therapy fairly soon after diagnosis, and was on anti-depressants for a few years (also related to the side effects of an anti hormone/cancer drug I was on). I’m at almost 10 years out and things have gotten a lot better. I still don’t have the focus I did, but that could be because of age or a myriad of other things. Best of luck.

  19. For anyone who remembers my meet-cute with the guy at Starbucks who happened to be a speaker at the conference we were both at and we hit it off and he later asked me out (I think it’s posted on the 11/29 PM thread)…we had our date this past Saturday night. It went really well…but maybe even a little too well? It has taken me a while to figure out how to word this. It was all so storybook…we ended up going to 3 places as neither of us wanted the night to end (first place closed at 10pm, and so on until 2am). We were having such a good time that I ended up going to his place nearby from 2-3am (just kissing, no gardening).

    I had a great time, but the next day, all I could think about was how jolted I felt by the thought of getting close to someone. I felt like I had whiplash. Like it moved too fast or something? Like one minute, we are having drinks and talking about fun stuff, and 7 hours later, we’re on his couch talking about heavier topics, including the fact that he’s been married before (fine with me, but just a serious topic). I kind of regretted letting the night go so long…like I should have just gone home halfway through and kept some mystery alive. It felt like I let him go from stranger to boyfriend in one night.

    I mentioned in my first post that I’ve been single for a long time. I’ve become very comfortable with my life, with living alone, etc. I’ve been independent for decades. Maybe this is all just a shock to my system as I haven’t experienced this kind of thing in years. I should be happy that we had such a great time and hit it off on so many things though, right? I feel a little crazy. I do want to see him again, but it all feels so sudden, like a crash to my system.

    1. Hey I got engaged a month after meeting my husband. Sometimes people knock your socks off. Enjoy every second of it!!

      2. I’m 2 months in and we’re already planning as well. Somehow it just… clicked. Like a puzzle piece (except I don’t like the thinking that you are incomplete w/o an SO).

        OP, I am very much like you. I hadn’t dated in at least 4-5 years. No real relationships for 11. I was extremely shocked by how everything flowed and how quickly feelings erupted. Thankfully, I’ve been working on some of the things holding me back from a healthy relationship with my therapist.

        What’s funny is that he and I criss-crossed paths many times and I can’t help but think that we didn’t meet at those points because we weren’t ready.

        Now, for that first date/night. Mine was SO similar. There was some playtime but it was mostly talking about EVERYTHING. By the 2nd week, we’d covered all of the “big” things. Just let it happen. Talk with him about it and how you may need to take a breath from time to time. You may be surprised by how this goes. Also, if you get that panicky feeling or walls popping up, just tell yourself that you’re safe (all of this assumes this is a good human who will not put you in danger emotionally or physically).

        I have very few moments now that this happens to me. It happened recently re: moving in together (it’s an LDR) when he moves here in the next cpl months. Five days later I was looking at real estate listings.

        You are doing great and deserve to enjoy this.

    2. It is scary when you really like someone as you have more to lose if it goes south. You can still take it slow though – just go one day at a time!

      1. PS – my first date with my husband was a bit like that. We were talking love by date 3. We didn’t get married for several years because we both were kind of cautious, and he had been married before, but it went from 0-60 very fast, and he moved in within 6 months.

    3. I know what you mean about whilash. His sharing so much could be a sign of poor boundaries. Maybe next time say in advance that you have a hard stop at X time because work, need to call a friend, must feed/walk your pet, etc. I agree that it’s good to keep some mystery alive!

      1. I have been married for quite some time, so maybe I am out of touch… But to me, telling a date you have been married before does not seem like a sign of poor boundaries. Seems pretty normal to be upfront about that.

        And FWIW, I would have been turned off if a guy told me he had a hard stop at X time because he had to call a friend.

        1. *1. And so much advice is geared toward things going horribly wrong, but sometimes it goes amazingly right.

        2. I think it’s a good thing that he said he was married before. If he’s bad mouthing his ex that’s bad. Just that he has been married? Not an overshare

          Also, just end first dates at a reasonable hour. Maybe I am old, but I no longer find “talking all night” to be cute or romantic. End the date, go home, sleep, and figure out date #2. If you are really that into each other, there will be another date.

      2. Or it could be that they had a very long date and he ended up drinking more than on a normal date.

    4. It’s so scary, the feeling that this person can come along and suddenly the life and routines you’ve built up by yourself are knocked off their axes. You’re not alone! Yes, it could be the first day of the rest of your life… but if you already liked the life you had before that comes with mixed feelings.

    5. I met my husband in college. We met for a lunch date and ended up spending the entire day together, not wanting it to end. 8 years later we are happily married and absolutely still in love/best friends.

    6. This sounds a little like how I felt after meeting my now-husband – our first date was just instant connection and so intense, within a week he had invited me to go on an upcoming family vacation and within a month we knew we would be getting married one day. Celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary this month. It was a very intense, surprising, scary, intoxicating feeling and very different from anything I’d ever felt in any relationship before so I get the feeling of shock you’re describing! If you feel like you generally have good judgement in most areas of your life, then I would try to relax and trust yourself in this area too. Sometimes our bodies know and recognize things way before our brains catch up.

    7. It’s totally fine to slow things down. But to add to what other commenters have said, my first date with my now-husband was a “don’t want this night to end” sort of scenario – we went to a sporting event together which lasted several hours and had a great time, then on the way out he asked me spontaneously to grab dinner, extending the date even further. Sometimes you hit it off and have a great time! But that doesn’t mean you’re committed to anything or to every date being that long/intense.

      1. Me too. I hope the next time you see each other it’s still magic and all your fears are assuaged.

    9. I know the feeling of going from longtime single to committed relationship really soon and it can be a lot! I think there are two sides to this – I ended up getting very serious very quickly with someone right after Covid vaccinations were a thing and it ended up not working out, because I realized that I was so excited to have human contact again that I was overlooking some really big dealbreakers for me. Having someone (therapist, trusted friend) to talk about it with, and having open communication with your partner are crucial here. On the other hand, I’ve seen people fall very fast when they know the person fits what they are looking for. I will share a piece of advice from a true source of wisdom (the UK version of Love Island) where one contestant spent weeks self-sabotaging a relationship that clicked early on and then realized “sometimes something isn’t too good to be true, its just good.” This can just be a good thing! Enjoy it!

    10. If it feels like a lot of connection and overwhelming that you could have that so quickly, then I would chalk it up to this being a rare experience, which is not at all a bad thing. If you felt red flags, trust your guy and slow things down. But those don’t sound like red flags to me. And like a lot of others who have commented, this kind of fast connection can be lasting. My husband and I had this kind of all consuming non stop talking fast falling for each other experience. 17 years later, we are still happily married. (We were together 10 years before we actually got married because we were relatively young, and we just didn’t feel any need to formalize the relationship with a marriage certificate, but decided to do so when we were ready to have kids because that was personally important to us).

    11. I relate so hard to this post, and it gives me hope as a fellow single-for-a-long-time person! Rooting for you! Enjoy it!

    12. I remember feeling like that with my husband – like, whoa, this feels like a shift.

      At a certain point I realized I was the one holding myself back from falling in love – it was a specific decision for me to jump into the chasm, and give myself permission to trust and love. Not after one date though!

  20. Favorite brands for plus-size tall tights? It’s getting cold here and I need to buy some new ones. I have a hard time finding ones that don’t sag in the cr*tch after an hour.

    1. I’m not sure about tall sizes, but for plus sizw i really like the tights from snag. They have winter ones specifically.

    2. Hello, a topic relevant to my interests! I am 5’11” with disproportionately long legs, and I am a size 1X or 2X. The only tights that have ever worked for me are Spanx in size E or F. You need the control top even though you may not want tummy squishing, the control top is what keeps them from sagging or rolling.

      Pre-pandemic, I wore tights for half the year, and I’ve had some of my Spanx tights for a decade. They’re indestructible.

      1. https://www.nordstrom.com/s/4018415

        These come in size E – check the size chart.

        For what it’s worth, I never found the Assets brand of Spanx sold at Target to be any good. I am very particular about how the tights feel on me, and the Assets didn’t feel as good, and also rolled/sagged.

        1. Size F is harder to find but is available in certain size/color combinations on Amazon.

          F was a little big for me, and has two deans down the back instead of one (or did, it’s been a while) so weren’t as comfortable as E.

    3. For being tall with large legs, I just size up in tights. Tights can stretch either up or out, but when you need them to do both, you have to get a larger size than you would in other clothes.

  21. Last week I surrendered and ordered jeans from Ayr. They arrived yesterday and I love them! They are more expensive than what I usually pay for denim (Madewell has been my long-term jeans supplier), but given how often I wear jeans, I can justify the cost-per-wear.

    For reference, I bought the Secret Sauce. I’m 5’9”, 130#, rectangular build.

  22. What do you think an appropriate amount for a gift card is for my department assistant? F500, I’m a junior in-house counsel, been with company for 1 year, she supports whole department (~14 people). We have a great relationship and she’s very helpful. $200?

    1. that sounds super high for in-house! I would consult with your colleagues. Could be everyone contributes, say $50 or so, to a joint $500 check.

      1. +1 I’d ask your colleagues. I’m in house and have never given holiday gifts to anyone at work. (Though I also don’t have an EA.)

    2. I would ask around and see what others do. I’m a junior lawyer at a F500 and that’s WAY more than anyone spends. Our assistants aren’t expected to move mountains and work overtime without complaint like those I had in a firm, and it’s a much more corporate job that’s just not the same culturally as a law firm.

      I spent about $50 on mine last year, which included a small plant and a gift certificate for a few manicures at the place she likes in our building.

    3. Thanks all. I’m used to big law, where I gave my assistant $400 after my last year there, so this is a big shift.

    4. As a former EA, that would be incredibly generous and wildly appreciated. But also consider whether you intend to set a precedent with that amount.

      I supported a team of 4-5, and they usually pooled together to give me a $200 gift card along with some physical object ~$50 (gear for the hobby they knew I liked) so I had something to unwrap.

  23. Anyone gone to the Consumer Electronics Show for work? If so, what did you wear?

    1. I went about ten years ago and it was a mix of jeans and hoodies among the tech folks, and blazers/slacks for the wall street/senior execs who were on site and doing media. I’d bet that now even the senior folks are in jeans with their blazers vs. slacks. Again, ages ago, but the women mostly wore jersey dresses with flats or jeans with blazers – I’d bet on more sneakers now. It was also COLD in many of the smaller meeting rooms, by day two I was in a thin wool sweater with a camisole, a wool blazer, jeans and loafers and was still carrying a shawl for warmth.

    2. comfy. shoes. (I went with allbirds)
      I would say 90% of attendees were business casual or more casual – folks know you’re moving around a ton, and prioritize comfort. For me I wore my regular “work uniform”, which is stretchy old navy pants and a blouse, but more casual would be fine

      backpack vs purse : the setup is such that you are walking in and out of the secure zone multiple times, and if you have a backpack you have to go through a separate screening every time which gets annoying. I noticed they mostly didn’t send women with equivalent size purses/messenger bags through the “backpack” security line. But you’ll be walking A LOT, so whatever’s comfortable for you

      (am assuming you’re going as an attendee, not working a booth)

  24. This is my first holiday season having a cleaning crew come on a regular basis to my apartment. I have cash to do a holiday tip for the team, but how do I deliver it (I’m overthinking this – I’m aware, but we never had a cleaning team in my house growing up.) Do I just leave the cash in the envelope with the check for the normal payment and note that it’s a holiday tip for the team to split? I’m in a studio apartment, so I always leave before they arrive because otherwise, it’s far too crowded in the apartment.

    1. I’ve put such tips inside a holiday card with a “thank you and happy holidays” note, to make it clear that it’s a holiday gift/tip and was intentional

    2. Follow up Q: I have a cleaning service coming for the first time in a week. WWYD re: holiday tip? I’m hoping to use this service at least monthly going forward.

      1. I wouldn’t do anything this year. Next year, I would give a holiday bonus = the amount for one cleaning.

  25. Shop for me! I’m getting married this summer in an outdoor ceremony, and I need some nice flats or maybe a wedge to wear. I know about those plastic things you can put on heels to not sink into the grass, but honestly I’d rather not mess with unconfortable heels. I haven’t worn them since pre-covid! Thanks for any suggestions.

    1. Honestly, I bought nude sandal wedges at TJ Maxx for my outdoor wedding. Plain, just a strap across my toes and another around my ankle. I think they were Nine West? I still have them and wear them for summer events.

    2. I love the Clarks Caroleigh Anya. It’s a sandal with a low block heel (so should be okay for grass) and it is SO COMFORTABLE! I own it in 3 colors – originally bought tan for a wedding, then got black for work, and then got gold for another wedding. I wear them to work, out to dinner, to weddings, etc.

      1. I got these to wear as a wedding guest this summer based on a rec from this site and really liked them. Very comfortable, as advertised.

    4. Check out Badgley Mischka and Jewel Badgley Mischka on zappos. The Platonic ideal of wedding shoes.
      Word of caution – I wore flats but my bridesmaids all wore heels. I look hilariously short in my pictures!

    5. I live in a super casual place, so YMMV.

      If you’re wearing a long dress, the shoes aren’t all that visible. Fancy Birkenstocks that you break in before will be super comfortable through the reception and any after party.

    7. I wore a 2-3 inch block heel for my outdoor wedding and they were perfect! Luckily there are a million block heel styles out there these days –

    8. What about the Emilia sandal by Loeffler Randall? Looks like their page is 20% off today.

    9. I wore Kate Spade x Keds glitter Keds! But, word to the wise: If you think you’ll be on grass a lot, have them hem your dress just a bit shorter than otherwise. You’ll sink down into the grass, effectively becoming shorter, and trip on your dress.

  26. I am treating myself to a nice new set of sheets to improve my sleep. Does anyone have recommendations for soft cotton? I have ruled out flannel and silk.

      1. +1 Specifically the Threshold Performance Cotton sheets. I have bought sheet sets that cost over $100, but the Target ones are my faves. They are light and “crisp” feeling without being overly “swishy” sounding like some percale sheets can be.

    2. No recommendations, but I have to say I love your name “Joan Wilder.” I wish Hollywood made more movies like Romancing the Stone.

      1. It made me smile that you recognized the name :). That plus the sequel are my favorite movies.

    3. If you are really looking to splurge, I bought a set of American Blossom cotton sheets about 3 years ago. They are holding up very well. There are pretty expensive compared to a regular box store, but I like that they are a small family business. And I liked that the cotton and production are local to the US.

    5. Redland Cotton has great percale sheets, as well as a great story.
      Parachute Home also has great sheets.
      For reference, I despite Target sheets, although they’re always recommended. They tear; they feel slimy; I just don’t get the love.

    6. How much do you want to splurge? Yves Delorme has great cotton sateen. Matouk is also amazing and slightly pricier. I’m more of a percale (crisp cotton vs soft cotton) person, but having ridiculously nice sheets has made a pretty big difference for me, especially considering how much time we spend in bed!

  27. I’m feeling down (not depressed, just exhausted) and am looking for a few easy enough pick me ups. Something easy enough and not terribly expensive. Ideally something that feels luxurious or special. Any ideas?

    1. New lipstick. Go to TJMaxx and get the best-smelling body wash you can find. Fancy pastry or cookie. Evening event at a museum (maybe a holiday open house?). Fancy hot cocoa. Champagne (on sale rn for the holidays).

    2. New nail polish in a fun color? Get a wash and blow dry at the salon? Buy yourself the books on your wish list? Run your car through a car wash or get it detailed? Fluffy throw blanket for your couch or bed? Back rest pillow so you can sit up in bed? New “personal” toy (bonus: multiple pick-me-ups)?

    3. Grab a holiday drink from Starbucks, go to Target and walk around. Wear headphones, listen to the new Taylor Swift album or your fav podcast. Pick up some fun products, like a sparkly nail polish or deliciously scented body wash. Get comfy on the couch and watch a cheesy Christmas movie and play with your target purchases. Maybe add a pedicure to the mix if you want. That’s what I’d do.

    4. Make that fancy tea and use the fancy teacup you’ve been overlooking for the dishwasher safe mugs.

    5. At the risk of being deeply basic, I would leave work a little early, turn off my phone, and go to Lush to buy an absurdly overpriced bathbomb and a facemask. Then I’d go to a bookstore, get whatever book caught my fancy, and go to a grocery store to get a baguette, some nice cheeses, and some charcuterie. Go home, eat have a nice long bath by candlelight, read my book in silence (or with music, whatever you prefer), eat my snack board, and go to bed for a solid 9-10 hour sleep.

    6. I feel the same. Buy new nail polish and paint your nails, go get coffee instead of making it yourself, turn your phone off for the night and watch a movie with popcorn, get in bed really early and read, put up Christmas lights, buy a new inexpensive accessory.

    7. A new hard cover book always feels so luxurious to me as a “if I can’t get it on Libby, I’m not reading it” frugal person.

    8. I’d take Saturday to do an at home spa day. Do whatever self care is for you. I like to do a deep conditioner, body scrub, do my nails, blow out my hair, and read a good book with wine and candles and my favorite take out.

    9. A long bath, with a tiny trickle of water to keep it hot, glass of wine or decaf iced tea while you soak, no interruptions.

  28. can someone help me with the words — is there any non-dorky way to invite people to a christmas party but ask that they not come if they’re showing symptoms?

    1. I’d phrase it in terms of your expectation as a hostess. Something like, “While your RSVP is appreciated, if the day comes and you’re not feeling up to attending, please feel free to stay home so we can all have as happy and healthy a holiday season as possible!”

      1. I think this is fine. Sometimes I’m on the fence about going to an event and feel bad skipping if I’m only slightly under the weather. This would give me a good out without feeling guilty, more like I’m being respectful

      2. Agree with this and think it’s okay to ask that people consider testing before coming! Also slightly horrified that (a) people would come with symptoms or (b) be put off by being asked not to come with symptoms. (The way I phrase is it “if you’re feeling the least bit sick or experiencing even mild cold- or flu-like symptoms.”)

    2. You don’t. The people inconsiderate enough to show up to a party while sick won’t be deterred by a note on the invitation. Everyone else will think it’s condescending.

      2. eh, the text I got yesterday said “Since many of us are traveling next week, we are asking everyone to test before coming” and am perfectly happy to do it. YMMV, but I have zero problem with this request and the phrasing.

    3. Symptoms of what? Covid’s out there, but the flu and colds are everywhere, too. I don’t think there’s a way to do this without it being a turnoff to people.

    4. I did this for a recent small party and I think it is important. It’s not condescending. I think we said “All invitees are vaccinated and boosted and we ask you to please stay home if you’re under the weather at all”

      honestly, I am childfree and it’s wild to see my family and friends who parent small kids – and I’m sorry there’s a ton going around and someone is always sick – have no qualms about going place unmasked when they or their household is battling something. Stay the heck home.

      1. For all of
        Winter you think they should stay home? That’s an interesting stance guess you hate them.

        1. I think kids wouldn’t be sick all winter if spreading contagious diseases freely (especially in poorly ventilated congregate care settings like many schools) weren’t so normalized. Now there’s even a myth going around that getting sick is good for kids’ immunity. Kids deserve better.

          2. Kids are not born with immunity to anything. And yet delaying exposure improves immune response to most infectious diseases. And many infectious diseases don’t result in lasting immunity anyway (you can just get them over and over again). And some actually leave the immune system worse off.

            If exposure to an infectious disease does result in lasting immunity, that makes it a good vaccine candidate, so we can get vaccines instead of getting sick. It is distressing to see people talking as if every virus were chickenpox and as if we were back in the era of chickenpox parties!

    5. Maybe something like, “please don’t worry if you have to cancel at the last minute if you’re feeling under the weather [or know you’ve been exposed to a bad bug].”

      In the alternative, stating your precautions also signals that you’re sensitive to health. Something like “party will primarily be outside.” or “we’ll have windows cracked and air purifiers on.”

    6. I have a friend who frequently hosts small parties. She simply puts in the facebook event description “If you or someone in your household is sick at all, please stay home and feel better. Masks are not required but feel free to wear one if it makes you more comfortable. I encourage you to take a rapid test before the party just in case.”
      This used to just apply to covid but right now definitely applies to all the other bugs going around right now. Truthfully, if someone came to my house visibly sick with cold/flu/covid/anything I could catch, I would ask that they leave. I wouldn’t go to anyone else’s house sick.

    7. Buy a bunch of at-home tests and tell everyone to test before they come inside.

  29. Best Act of Service you’ve ever been gifted? Favorite Act of Service you’ve ever gifted?

    I’ll go first… I temporarily relocated from my apt to another state and unexpectedly stayed longer. As a result, I had a point where I had about 3 days to move out of my apt where I’d lived for 7 yrs. My closest local friend offered to show up, walk through to find out what I was keeping versus selling. She boxed everything I was keeping and labeled boxes. She posted online everything for sale, sold items, repaid herself for boxes money, then deposited the rest in my bank account. When I returned, the only items not dealt with were the random things she wasn’t sure if I was keeping or tossing, the extra packing supplies for what I was keeping and would need to box, and basic cleaning to get my deposit back.

    This was over a decade ago and I still periodically thank her for it as it was the biggest relief of all time!

    I guess my favorite gifted has been when I’ve had friends debut on Broadway or have a musical performance when I haven’t been local. I’ve put money into flights or long drives to be in the audience for their big moment. No matter how broke I’ve been or will be, I have a separate budget line for “showing up.” I’ve long ago decided that my priorities are much higher in being present for loved ones than in fancy clothes or shoes or tech or a newer car. Being able to be present for those I love is a gift I give them and also feels like one to give myself as it consistently reaffirms that I may be 39 and crossing my fingers about a very real job and not married and not a homeowner and not a size 6 and not whatever else people tell me I should be, but I AM someone who shows up for the people who matter most to me which makes me like myself more than if I were fitting others’ definitions of what should matter to me. (cue Luke Combs “Does to Me” and the Planes, Trains, and Automobiles “I like me” monologue haha)

    Your turn! What have you been gifted? What have you gifted?

      1. Most people here who post about bonuses get more in their bonus than I make in a year, so everything has a line item. I have almost nothing for clothing, nothing for alcohol (not a drinker), etc. which are categories I know many have a lot of amounts set aside for. But for me, it’s all about showing up. (And for the record, those of you who have shown up for me over the years, including a couple I’ve met in person at stressful life moments, one who sent food when my first pet died, and a couple who are my email penpals… I cherish those moments and am so grateful for those memories.) I also have a budget for postcards and stamps as I initiate being a penpal for each of my friends’ kids when they begin to learn to read. It’s tough to handwrite letters like the kids are used to seeing them rather than in my handwriting, but fun to think about how to word a message using short words they can sound out or recognize! It helps them learn and they get mail! :)

    2. Best gift received: a friend who drove in a snowstorm to meet me as I walked out the door of my dream job. Manager was abusive; HR didn’t care (said of his repeated threats of physical violence, which did not stop even after I used very clear language about how it was not appropriate for work, “that sounds like a joke gone wrong”); I quit to save the shreds of my sanity. Last day was planned to overlap with psycho manager’s PTO, but there was a snowstorm. Friend took a half day off work, met me at the door of the office in said snowstorm, handed me a cake, and drove me to another friend’s house for copious amounts of Scotch.

      They also supported me when I sued and celebrated when everyone involved in that disaster got fired.

      It stood in such sharp contrast to the daily degradation of that hellscape job that it really helped me to understand that my manager behaved the way he did because he is a horrible human who is a waste of perfectly good organs, and my friends treat me the way they do because they are empathetic, lovely people.

    3. I do not have a close relationship with my mom and wedding planning was especially fraught. I will never forget my bridesmaids bundling me off to a bar for shots after a comically awful dress shopping session with my mom. They also arranged a ‘do-over’ to make sure I had good memories of finding my dress. I especially appreciated that they all let me know they had my back 100% and that I didn’t have to hear the ‘but you should just try harder, it’s your mother!’ argument so many people make.
      We relocated to MA not long before my son was born and didn’t have many local friends so my mother’s group was a big source of social support. I brought over dinner (pasta, dessert, salad, muffins for their breakfast the next day, nothing too crazy) a few weeks after one of the mother’s came home with her second child. Her older kiddo had RSV and it had been a rough week trying to keep them apart and she was SO surprised and grateful to have dinner taken care of – I always try to make it a point to offer the new moms in my life some extra support however I can.

    4. Best one I’ve received: Somebody from HERE met me for drinks and kept me company (and let me talk about it) the night I settled my divorce. If you’re out there, former DTLArette, I will never forget that!!

      Best one I’ve given: Babysitting for a colicky baby so the parents could get out of the house for a much-needed break.

    5. Best act of service ever recieved: my BFF and former co-worker taking me out for drinks the day I decided to take a 3-month leave from my BigLaw job to deal with depression.

      Best given: My roommate in a HCOL city got married and moved out and asked if one of her friends who was in the city for a summer internship could take over the lease for the summer, which was the rest of the term. The friend and I became great friends that summer, and we are still friends today. Anyway, at the end of the lease, I moved into a small one-bedroom, but I invited the 3-month roommate to stay with me for another three weeks until she returned to grad school in another city. She had no money and I was in BigLaw. The least I could do was be a bridge apartment for the remainder of her internship.

    6. Best gift received – I was telling my work BFF that my husband and I never had couple time any more because of our two kids under three, and she offered to watch them overnight. She doesn’t have kids of her own and her apartment is very precious, but she insisted she was up for it. Husband and I stayed at a hotel near her apartment & had dinner and watched a movie and slept in. The kids had a great time and didn’t destroy her apartment “too much” in her words.

      I guess in terms of what I give – I’m there for friends who are seriously ill (cancer, etc.) I have an unfortunate lifetime of experience with this and know that sick people just want some normalcy and distraction. You would not believe how many people drop their friends when they’re going through a serious illness

    7. My good friend of many decades visited me twice at one-month intervals after my husband died. Both times she made me feel loved and cared for at a time when I was exhausted and in shock. I hope someday to pay it forward although I don’t wish the same unhappy experiences on anybody else.

    8. My friend flew across the country to help out for a week around my third round of chemo. It was the first time I had laughed in at least a month.

      Given? A friend got married in a hard-and-expensive-to-access part of her home country, and I was the only one from our former team of 21 to show up to her wedding. Other teammates had at least 4, often more, teammates in attendance, and she’d made the effort to show up for them. It meant a lot to make sure at least one of us was there for her.

  30. My 12 yo daughter requested skin care products for Christmas. Her skin seems to be normal tween skin with a few breakouts. Any recs for good products for her? She currently washes with the orange Neutrogena acne cleanser, uses a daily Cetaphil moisturizer, and has a zit cream from Target (can’t remember the brand) that she really likes.

    1. How about a good SPF? That is a fantastic age to build a good sunscreen habit.

      1. +1 such a good idea. I feel like the TULA daily SPF would be perfect for a 12 year old. It smells great and has a nice texture.

    2. It sounds like she’s probably well-set on the basics. I would get her a few fun facemasks!

      IMO, I wouldn’t want to start a 12 year old on any additional products like serums or eye cream or anything yet.

    3. Cera-ve for moisturizer and the big supergoop for sunscreen. Maybe some zit killer bandages?

    4. I love the Peach and Lily set! You can get a trial size of the full set for around $50. A lot of teen-focused brands dry out the skin, but this one nourishes and hydrates so you look glowy and dewy (even if you have a few zits).

    6. I would just get her a nice cleanser, mask, and moisturizer with sunscreen. I love Murad, Kiehls, and philosophy.

    1. I think you can use an analog watch.
      Also if your employer is tracking your mouse usage, start looking for a new job (you might be doing this already).

  32. Portland Hotel Recommendations needed! You guys were so amazing with your Chicago hotel reccs – we ended up at The Robey and would love a similar experience. Taking a couple’s short weekend trip there for a 2-night stay in late March. I’m looking for something romantic, but interesting. Doesn’t need to have spa services but would love a cool hotel bar. Ideally walkable to things in the downtown area (partner is very into books and would love a trip to Powell’s). We’ve both been to Portland, but never together. Under $200/night preference. Thanks!

    1. The Nines looks just a little out of your price range, try Hotel Lucia or if you’re into local flair, the Crystal Hotel.
      A note of caution: don’t expect it to be like old days. Downtown has not really recovered from the pandemic.

    2. It’s a bit above your budget but we love The Nines. Staying there at Christmas, as a matter of fact, and can’t wait!

  33. I’m spiraling with anxiety/panic over a relationship issue and I have a really important meeting tomorrow morning I need to prepare for. How do I stop this? I’m at the airport now about to fly out and I just feel so scared and alone and more scared that these feelings will hijack my thoughts and I’ll never escape. The boyfriend in question was my best friend / I thought my forever person and now I’m just a wreck at feeling like even if I didn’t lose him, I definitely lost a certain amount of trust or the image of him as perfect.

    My only goal now is just to focus and compartmentalize so I can work on my meeting notes on the flight. And get this out of my thoughts so I’m fully focused during the meeting tomorrow. Does anyone have any advice? Or a gameplan?

    1. Deep breaths. Meditation. Long term therapy/ girl no man is perfect! No person is perfect!

    2. I find that writing down all of my negative thoughts actually helps my anxiety spirals. So, whatever it is that you feel (betrayed/lost/unable to trust), and why. I have also taken voice notes on my phone to get it out of my head. I have ranted for literally hours into my phone, but I do usually feel better (less anxious, able to re-focus) after. So, I actually recommend spending an hour doing that today/tonight and knowing you can always come back to your feelings after this presentation.

    3. When you got on that plane, you pretend you are someone else. That person is the subject matter expert at the very important meeting she is flying into. She will be put together, prepared, and ready to shine. When the meeting is done, and you are in your hotel room or on the plane home, you have permission to fall apart. But not a second sooner.

      If it helps, I received a very prestigious award from my company many years ago. I had to accept it with 2,000 people in attendance. The night before, my husband told me he didn’t love me anymore and he wanted a divorce. I was also pregnant. I pretended I was a Hollywood actress accepting an Oscar. I accepted my award, went to the bathroom to throw up, then got the hell out of there. I promise you, you can do anything!

      1. This is great advice, and you, Anon at 1:39, are a total bada$$. I hope your life is glorious now; you deserve it.

    4. Future you will thank you for your strength and resolve in putting the relationship issue out of mind so you can kick a at this meeting.

  34. What are people happy about right now? I’m the poster spiraling from a minute ago and I would love just all of your happy updates, things that you are feeling good about, things you’re looking forward to, or reminders that life can be good.

    1. I’ve just this minute made a mug of hot chocolate and I’m looking forward to a tofu and vegetable stir fry with noodles for dinner

    2. Ooh! I’ll go! I had the BEST weekend! Friday night we went to the scholarship awards ceremony for our local community college — I’m on the board of the foundation that gives out the scholarships so I got to help present, and it was so great to see all the students so excited and optimistic! Saturday we had dinner guests (which was super fun because these friends are awesome), and while I spent most of the day cooking, my sweet husband spent hours digging out all the various Christmas plates and glasses and cups and not only set a beautiful table, but put the holiday stuff in the kitchen cabinet so we can use it for the rest of the season! Yesterday we actually got our Christmas cards ready for the mail in the morning, in the afternoon we went to a matinee of A Christmas Carol at our local theatre that was so good it brought a tear to my eye, then we came home and made dinner and watched the finale of The White Lotus. I almost told Hubby “If I die tonight, I want you to know this was a perfect day,” but I didn’t because I didn’t want to freak him out!

      This is your reminder that life can be good.

    4. Mine might be weird, but I’m weird so… shrug.

      I’m in the middle of some really intensive therapy stuff and I’m waiting to hear about an absolute dream job. Both of them really freak me out and I am feeling anxious and stressed. However, I am not spending any holiday time with anyone in my immediate family and haven’t in over a decade. So this year, I get to worry about the hard work in therapy (that will eventually make me better) and a dream job (if this isn’t it, maybe there’s another something better coming). I don’t have to prepare to be emotionally or psychologically or physically harmed. I don’t have to spend money I don’t have on gifts for people out of obligation that they will just hate anyway. I don’t have to pretend to appreciate gifts meant to make me feel fat or ugly or like an afterthought. I am also single and, though I don’t love that, I enjoy it much more than feeling trapped with someone harmful or sitting next to my partner’s family members who say horrible political things.

      I know it’s not the same as listing things I have but right now, what’s making me happy is thinking about the things I don’t have anymore, which is wonderful as I’d spent the first 30+ years of my life with those experiences and people.

      Maybe remembering when you were applying for your job or when it wasn’t safe to fly will help? Maybe knowing you can afford an airport priced snack if you want one will help? Maybe sitting in the airport and watching people who look miserable and imagining them having a horrible life way worse than yours will help? Maybe it’s remembering your worst holiday and being glad you survived it and don’t ever have to relive it will help?

      Sending hugs and love!

    5. I love going for walks on winter mornings right now. Bay Area, so it’s cold, but not freezing. The light is beautiful and there is so much to see. Also, I feel super accomplished having gotten some exercise before starting the rest of my day.

    6. Not to be dramatic but about 2 years ago I was depressed, burned out from work, in a constant state of existential crises, and having thoughts about unaliving myself. I spent 2 years making dramatic changes in my life and today my life is so good I genuinely wake up excited for the day. In the last 2 years I: Started online therapy, sought treatment from a GREAT psychiatrist, got the rhinoplasty I’d been debating for the last 10+ years, left my high stress job for a low-key remote job (with a large pay cut), bought a house in the suburbs, spent a LOT of time organizing and decorating my space, and had a kid!

      1. I’m in a similar spot and just booked the rhinoplasty for end of February! I’ve been wanting it my whole life.

    7. I was just reminded that I work with really great partners. Despite horror stories you hear/read about Big Law, I happen to be in a position where I, a female, was just able to vent for 7 straight minutes about a very frustrating eye doctors appointment I had with the two male partners. And they listened and legitimately helped me brainstorm a possible solution to fix the frustrating thing and validated that I had a right to be frustrated. Sometimes they annoy the heck out of me and sometimes I am beyond PO’d at them for having to work late or through a weekend, but ultimately I legitimately enjoy working with them and enjoy their company.

    8. Things I enjoy this time of year:
      – Time intensive cooking projects during my upcoming days off. French onion soup, pasta bolognese, decorated sugar cookie, etc.
      – Making fun winter cocktails. I like chocolate martinis with a crushed candy cane rim, mulled wine, hot toddies, and boozy hot chocolate
      – Watching long movies that I’m never in the mood for after a workday. Usually while giving myself a mani-pedi
      – Sauntering around my apartment in plush fuzzy socks and a bathrobe with a giant mug of coffee
      – Cooking an elaborate breakfast for Christmas Day or New Years Day. Berry french toast, cinnamon rolls, crepes, elaborate avocado toast with a bunch of toppings…
      None of these things require a significant other or nearby family!

    9. I have to actually keep a calendar of our social commitments. It’s the first time in out adult lives that we are in a place where we have shows going on, neighbors having parties and other events happening that we can afford to attend, and we need to assure that we aren’t double booking. We are also making sure that we leave time for life in amongst the whirl, something that I have never needed to actively do before!

    10. Toddler and I missed the bus to daycare today by one minute, so I had to drive her. It was so beautiful out! No rain, that pretty filtered light Paris gets, nearly empty streets. I never thought a four-minute daycare drive could be so nice.

  35. Hope the person who asked for prayers for her sick kitty on Friday is OK. I said a little prayer. Thinking positive thoughts for you both.

    1. Thank you so much for saying a prayer. I actually just came here to post an update. We had to make the very hard decision to say goodbye to kitty, and DH and I are devastated. It means a lot to know other animal lovers understand so I appreciate you checking in.

      1. So sorry for your loss. But know that you did the right thing for your pet, as hard as it was…

      2. Oh, I’m so very sorry for you all. I know this is terrible and so hard. Thinking of you!

      4. I’ve been thinking about you since you posted and I am literally crying for you now… When I lost my 2 lovies many years apart, ‘rettes were quite supportive. We are here to listen as you grieve, want to share happy memories, or whatever else you need. I genuinely believe my 2 are greeting yours at the Rainbow Bridge and that they’ll be keeping each other company until our reunions with them. I truly believe that the love we have for them remains and that the grieving we do when they leave is a way to show them that they loved us enough that their love lives on with us infinitely.

        Please take the space and time you need and let us know when you need us; we’re all here sending love to you and all who loved your kitty.

    2. So, so sorry to hear this. Kudos to you for doing the right thing for pussy cat, though.

  36. How valuable is the Delta Skymiles card vs Chase Sapphire? I have no complaints about the latter but I’m starting to travel more, both as a family and professionally. Everything seems to end up a Delta flight lately. Unsure if it’s really worth it if I’m flying only 6-10 times per year versus someone that flies 1-2x/monthly.

    Also, is this something The Points Guy would have an answer to before I go digging?

    1. Airline credit cards generally aren’t a great deal unless you want lounge access or are chasing status. With that number of trips I’d advise sticking with the Chase Sapphire.

  37. I feel like the odds are low on this one, but if anyone else here has lost a relative to murder, are there books or websites or support groups for this that you found helpful? We are reeling. There is grief but also…media attention, and how do we deal with the police, and what do you tell people about what has happened, and we can’t have a funeral yet because the ME has the body, and we have no idea if it’ll be days, weeks, or months before we get it. There’s a victim advocate service but it’s part of the local court system and won’t be available until someone has been charged.

    1. Oh, I’m so sorry! I don’t have any experience but I am sending my deepest condolences to you and your family.

      2. +2. This is a terrible loss. Wishing you and yours eventual comfort and immediate security.

    2. Hi there,

      First off, many hugs and my condolences for your loss. When something similar happened in my family, we actually got a lot of help from my employer’s PR/marketing/crisis response team. It might be worth asking! If you do want to talk to the media and/or your family is high profile beyond this situation, it’s time to get a PR firm involved. Navigator is who I’ve seen people in Canada use, people here might know others if you post your location.

      A couple preliminary points from my experience: You don’t need to tell the media anything. You can ask them for privacy at this difficult time, and appoint a family representative (e.g. a close friend you can trust) and sic the media on them to rinse & repeat on the “no we’re talking right now” message. Get that person (or someone in authority in the family) to contact all the aunts/uncles/cousins that are going to stay stupid nonsense for the chance to be on TV and tell them that this is the delegated person.. If the media trespass onto your property, you can call the police. Close the blinds so you don’t get paparazzi-style shots.

      Close down your social media, for you and everyone in the family. Lock it down – turn off the accounts, don’t post anything about the situation, don’t respond to new people, just ignore it all. Even the old accounts you don’t use much – close them. De-list your phone number and address if it’s in the phone book. Get your employer to take your profile off your company’s website if applicable – we had people wait outside the office to accost me. It was awful. It’s also time to change your passwords to your emails and your banking, and to freeze your credit. Horrible people will take this opportunity to hack your accounts because they know you’re distracted.

      The news cycle has a short attention span, so if you hunker down and don’t give them anything, the storm will blow over.

      Dealing with the police: talk to the victim services people, but make sure you have your own lawyer whenever you talk to the cops. Especially if no one has been charged yet. A lawyer will also be to explain the process and what’s happening to you, and will be on your side.

      Funeral/body/etc. Let that be as it is. There’s nothing you can do right now, so it just needs to be what it is. Tell people who ask that you don’t know yet, and it’s a hard situation. You don’t owe them anything, and you can tell the people who matter to you once you have a date and have more information.

      Many hugs. You got this. If you post a burner, happy to reach out in person.

      1. Thanks. This is really, really helpful. There is so much here I wouldn’t have thought of. I am a lawyer but we had never thought about getting our own lawyer, and that would really help. So far it’s only local media but the facts are of a sort that would lend themselves to being sensationalized so I don’t know if it will stay here.

        1. A couple other points I forgot to mention.

          If you’re the deceased’s next-of-kin, freeze their credit, cancel their credit cards, and turn off their social media accounts too. If they didn’t live with you, then make sure their home/apartment is locked and have someone (a friend, your lawyer, whatever), check occasionally to make sure that it hasn’t been broken into/had the pipes burst in the cold/etc. The police might need to you to do something else here, so check with them if it’s a crime scene. In a few weeks you’re going to have to do all of the practical things (cancel leases, move out belongings, file last taxes), but you don’t need to do that right now. Let it wait until you’re not reeling.

          I don’t know the circumstances, but another point to consider is your own physical safety – if you think that you might be at risk, tell the cops immediately and get out of your home. Go to a hotel until they have someone charged. The cops will likely know more.

          If you’re at a big firm, I’d talk to your marketing/PR people — they’ve definitely had crisis response training. There might also be people who do crisis response for clients (privacy, environmental, industry, etc.) and they’re pretty likely to have some good ideas for you.

          If you have a religious tradition that matters to you with the body and the deceased, the police likely have a process for that tradition to be accommodated by the way, even if you don’t know when you can hold the funeral. You might be able to hold a vigil / get a religious figure to do rites / etc. even if the body remains in police custody.

          And I’ve kept this advice to be super short and practical, but the other thing to do is therapy. There’s going to be a lot to process here, and it’ll be so much easier with a therapist.

    3. Sending so much love your way. My mother was murdered when I was young–before books and websites and everything (or at least, before I knew about all that). I have been in therapy for years as an adult to help with this. The grief will come in waves for a long time, but it gets tolerable at some point.

      It’s such a hard way to lose someone as it’s sudden and disturbing, and there’s a spotlight on the victim and maybe on you as well. People will ask me questions about what happened, and I just have a very unemotional script that I can dissociate and say– “She was murdered.” Most people don’t ask questions after this. They will usually say, “I’m sorry,” and I’ll say, “Thank you, it’s hard,” or something similar. If they ask more questions, “I don’t know who did it.” even if that’s not responsive to the question they asked. If they ask more questions, “No one knows who did it.” 99% of people don’t ask questions after that. I also have been successful saying, “I don’t want to talk about it” to any follow-up questions.

      I wish I had concrete advice other than to make sure you have a good therapist (and VERY importantly, if the victim has children, they need help! And to feel safe talking about it!). Do whatever you can for yourself to make sure you feel supported, and lean on those around you who want to help. Serious thoughts going out to you and your family and the friends of the victim.

    4. There ARE support groups; you may want to contact the social work department at the nearest hospital for what is in-person or ask about online options. Some are tied to location or the situation, some are tied to the stolen one’s age, ethnicity, or other demographic details. There may even be a r3ddit for this because it is just so horribly common.

      Sending you love as you grieve.

    5. Sending my deepest condolences. I would see if the DA has a victim advocate who can connect you to support groups or other resources.

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