I just went through the Nordstrom Designer Clearance sale so you don’t have to. This pump is my top recommendation because it has lots of sizes left (unlike basically the entire rest of the sale, which was all down to lucky sizes). The BB pump is the CLASSIC Manolo pump, and it’s been in stock for pretty much the entirety of this website, regardless of which heel or toe shape is in style at the moment.
If you like this color and think it would work in your wardrobe, this exact pump is a great bet for a pump you can wear in your wardrobe for years to come. Especially since I haven’t seen it this low before — the pump was $725, but is now marked to $435 (40% off). You can also find it in a sherberty tangerine, a nice holiday plaid, and a reddish floral print. (There is also this witty sandal!)
For the rest of the sale, definitely sort by size first. Lots of good things from Akris Punto (this faux leather skirt is *chef’s kiss*!) Lafayette 148 New York, Caroline Herrara (this sheath dress!!), Max Mara (not my style at all but I lurve this stripey funnel neck dress), Missoni, Victoria Beckham, Rick Owens (love this dramatic cardigan), and more. If you’re looking for someone who likes gifts, these leather earrings from Bottega are unusual and cute.
Hunting for something similar but more affordable? This Sam Edelman heel is a verrrrry similar shoe, but priced at $150; it’s available in sizes 4-14 in three widths. Along much less similar lines: these $25 slip-on ballet flats come in a turquoisey green.
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Hunting for investment heels? Some of the bestselling, highest-rated designer heels for work in 2023 include:
Workwear sales of note for 6.02.23:
- Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale has started! See our thoughts here.
- Ann Taylor – $50 off $150; $100 off $250+; extra 30% off all sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off purchase
- Boden – Sale, up to 50% off
- Cole Haan – Up to 50% off select styles; extra 20% off sandals & sneakers
- Eloquii – 60% off all tops
- Express – 30% off all dresses, tops, shorts & more; extra 50% off clearance
- H&M – Up to 60% off online and in-store.
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off “dressed up” styles (lots of cute dresses!); extra 50% off select sale
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything; 60% off 100s of summer faves; extra 60% off clearance
- J.McLaughlin – The Sale Event: extra 30% off
- Loft – 40% off tops; 30% off full-price styles
- Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty.
- Shopbop – Up to 60% off sale
- Sue Sartor – Lots of cute dresses on sale!
- Talbots – 25-40% off select styles
Other noteworthy sales:
- CB2.com – Up to 40% off; pop-up sale up to 30% off
- Joss & Main – Up to 60% off, plus an extra 20% off with code
- Tuft & Needle – Save up to $775 on mattresses (Reader-favorite brand; Kat really likes hers!)
- West Elm – Up to 25% off in-stock furniture; up to 60% off clearance
That is a beautiful shoe, but my feet and I are just done with that kind of foolishness, alas.
Anyone else have foot issues thanks to extended barefoot WFH? After 2 1/2 years remote (chronic respiratory issues make the office unsafe), ankle pain sent me to the orthopedist. Orthopedist said people with flat feet can’t spend all that time barefoot without consequences.
I got the same speech after I started wfh – he told me to wear crocs around the house and I’ve done that ever since.
Funny, my husband and my son have Fred Flintstone feet — completely flat — and have no issues walking barefoot on tile and wood floors. My high arch foot needs an arch. About 3 months into the stay at home times, my feet were achy and icky. A pair of Haflingers for winter and Vionics for summer made such a difference! I have neuropathy as a medication side effect as well and the arched bottoms on both of those really help with that.
any recommendations for high arches that are not slippers or scuffs?
An orthotic you put into regular shoes. A custom one is best but I’d try an over the counter one first to see if it helps.
Abeo metatarsal are great for actual support of feet with high arches. My arch never touches many so called supportive shoes.
Oofo slide sandals. My heel spur started acting up again in May 2020, due to barefoot WFH, and just putting on those sandals every day has cured it. Knockoffs aren’t as good. They have a great combination of softness and traction that elevates them from merely a slipper.
I don’t go barefoot and haven’t since getting Morton’s neuroma in my early 40s (not related to going barefoot). I wear Birkenstocks clogs or sandals as slippers depending on the time of year. The footbed breaks in to be the perfect customized orthotic.
Exact same! I wear Birkenstocks in the house and my feet are in the least pain they’ve ever been in.
Wow. I wonder if this is why my foot hurts? I am wearing a bandage around my ankle but it is also on the top of the foot, too.
I do b/c getting into my 4″ heels is very difficult after 2 years of wearing my Crock’s around my apartement all day. It is lucky I did go into the office at least 2x a week, when I wore my Nike’s, which are a little better then Crock’s. When I have visitors, I put my Crock’s away and wear Flat’s, which are very presentable, and easily removable if I need them to be.
This happened to me on my first maternity leave — I was walking around with a colicky baby barefoot so often that I damaged my feet!
Wow, so interesting. I don’t do barefoot at home — we have wood floors and no matter how clean they are, they feel gritty to me. So I take off my shoes and put on my thick-soled flip-flops the minute I get home and my feet ahve actually improved since the pandemic.
I feel the same way!
Please send prayers, good thoughts, love, whatever you’ve got my way — our cat is in the emergency vet hospital and while we don’t know exactly what’s wrong yet, it’s not good. All I want for Christmas is to have my sweet soft boy home.
Aw, so sorry to hear this! Good kitty vibes coming your way!
Wishing your fur friend good luck!
Sending thoughts to your kitty, hope he is feeling better soon!!
Oh, good vibes to your sweet kitty.
Wishing you all the very best. Cats are so special!
adding good thoughts!
I add my best wishes to your sweet kitty! I hope your cat recovers quickly and is soon back home where kitty belongs! Rosa had a nice cat when she was 11 years old and she still keeps pictures of that cat in her bedroom. Ed never knew that cat but he learned all about it from Rosa over the years, and he also has 4 of his own kids to show for his attention to Rosa. Good for Ed!
I’m so sorry. I hope they are able to help and that you’ll have Christmas together at home.
My biggest regret from when my cat was in at the emergency vet is that I never asked them about whether he needed pain management. He wasn’t ever provided with pain meds, not while in the hospital, and not when sent home afterwards, and I learned later that the diagnosis he was given is excruciatingly painful, so I wish I had asked. It didn’t occur to me that I needed to request pain meds, but I’ve learned that they’ll often prescribe them upon request. I think they are so focused on treating what is wrong that they sometimes almost forget the part about alleviating pain, and our animals can’t complain the way human patients can.
I also wish I asked the hospital to send him home with subQ fluids; it’s not that hard to learn how to give subQ fluids, and they can be palliative for cats with a number of different conditions. I was told to just get fluids at the regular vet, but my vet isn’t open during the weekend, so I wish I had learned to do it myself.
This is why I strongly recommend a follow up with your regular vet or one who specializes in the area of diagnosis. I had the same issue with our dog. I think the ER, like human ones unfortunately, are only equipped to treat the acute issue and not chronic follow on management. At a follow on visit I scheduled, her regular vet was very clear she was in a lot of pain and it was hurting her recovery, and got her on a regular dosing schedule.
OP, all the best wishes to you and kitty!
Go for it
Awwh sending much love:)
Regular going anon
I just got put on a PIP for using my cell phone excessively at work. I feel ashamed and stupid. I’ve never been on a PIP before; any reassurance that this isn’t the end of the world?
To make matters worse, we’re about to enter a super lean period of nothing for anyone to do except hours of CPE. Suggestions for how to keep busy beyond that would be nice too.
Hugs! I wonder if your second paragraph isn’t the cause of the first – there’s a lean time coming and they need to make cuts, so they put you on a PIP out of blue? (It sounds like it was out of the blue?) This might not be as much about you as the company. I might start putting out feelers.
Regular going anon
Thank you, but the lean time is cyclical and expected, so I don’t think so. (And no, it wasn’t out of the blue; I’ve been verbally warned about this. Hence my feelings of shame!)
It’s not the end of the world! But I’d take action. Leave your cell phone locked in your car while you’re in the office. Phones are addictive, so just eliminate the temptation.
This is great advice.
Unless you’re a doctor on call, you don’t need a cell phone with you, so it’s best to avoid the temptation. Just make sure people important in your life have your work number in case of emergency.
Or at least in a desk drawer if you aren’t comfortable leaving it in the car.
As for boredom in the quiet hours, I’d recommend listening to podcasts with a headset plugged into the computer. Or the radio, if your work is strict about that.
Based on your comment that you had been warned about this before, I wonder if you’re having more difficulty than you expected staying off your phone at work. If you’re responding to specific notifications, you might want to disable them or do more muting of texts. Consider automatic DND settings, or airplane mode, on a timer during your work hours. I also found that putting my screen on Grayscale really helped me break the habit of checking just for the sake of checking. The screen looks a lot less interesting when everything is in black and white!
Regular going anon
I plan to use some of these – my phone is locked in my car in the parking lot right now, for example. Thank you, Monday. :)
fidget toys. knitting. a book. somethings to do when you feel the urge…..
Some companies use them incorrectly, but the goal of a performance improvement plan should be what it actually says – improvement. It’s not necessarily a prelude to firing, it’s an opportunity to really make it clear to an employee that their behavior needs to change, and at a good employer if the behavior changes the employee won’t be fired. Don’t feel shame about this, just try to correct the behavior. Can you leave your phone locked in your car or a locker at work so you’re not tempted to use it?
Nah, PIP = Paid Interview Prep
+1 except in rarest circumstances
I’m aware it’s used that way by some employers (not mine), but I don’t think that’s how it should be used. If you all you want to do is give someone a bit of paid time to job hunt, just fire them with severance. A PIP should be a chance for someone to improve and turn things around, and at my organization it is. Some people don’t improve and get fired but a lot of people do improve.
The employer view is that it documents a work problem so they are less likely to have an employee successfully sue them after termination. Another common tactic is changing organizational setup to remove a position. Sadly these are kinder than the alternative of making the job so miserable the person quits so they don’t have to pay severance. A struggling employee’s growth is rarely the intent—you don’t need to formalize the situation if that were the case because simple management would do.
I would try and put your phone somewhere hard to get to if possible – deep in your bag, coat pocket if thats secure, a locker etc. It can be so hard to break the habit of checking your phone, especially if you’re just doing CPE.
I don’t want to upset you, but my old place of business would pull out PIPs as a formality before letting someone go (they wanted documentation there was a problem before the firing). It worked that way at my friend’s company, too. In case your situation might be the same, I’d spend some time brushing up the resume and searching for jobs (not at work) and try to be as much of a higher performer as you can be in the meantime. The easiest time to find another job is while you are still employed.
Regular going anon
I do have this on my radar, thank you. I’m not really sure which way the wind is blowing and haven’t really witnessed other examples here to give me a clue. But for mostly separate reasons, I don’t think this job is a good fit for me, and have been casually looking. I will redouble on that. Thank you.
Organise! Clean up your office, scan papers, clean up your inbox, archive old projects. Figure out if there are strategic projects that need to be done.
And yes, interview.
All I can tell you is to be the ideal employee and make sure your higher-ups know. Go above and beyond as much as you can.
And leaving the phone in the car is a good start.
I really hope that you are not at work when you posted this and responded.
+1000 You were put on a PIP for goofing off on your phone so you switched to goofing off on the internet. I’d get rid of you too. You’re clueless. And they will fire you. The PIP is just getting their ducks in a row legally. they are probably monitoring your internet use as well.
Maybe she posted while at lunch or on break?
Girl, you’re about to be fired. Don’t believe anything but that. Do all the necessary things in preparation including aggressive job searching.
Well, certainly you should do the CPE. Check with your boss about doing other things such as: plan and execute your own CPE program, either internally or for an external audience; attend CPE conference in person so you’re not just at your desk streaming videos; handle any lingering admin tasks you’ve been needing to do such as cleaning out your email archives and making sure all file attachments are saved to a drive somewhere, a common one if appropriate; look at internal resource/reference pages and update them if appropriate.
Also, consider the value of single-tasking, i.e. watching a CPE and just watching and absorbing it. If it’s boring, so be it. Hang in the boredom, remembering that you’re getting paid for it. We all live over-stimulated lives, which causes needless stress and anxiety, which you might be self-medicating with your phone addiction (a self-perpetuating problem which app developers fully take advantage of).
KS IT Chick
I have been gone from my former employer for three years. Earlier this week, I got a message, asking if I would consider coming back on a short term contract to do a knowledge dump on new people on a system I managed while I was there.
I am still checking to find out if my current employer has any policy regarding moonlighting, but if they don’t, I am considering putting in an offer to them. I know I need to do about three times my current salary on an hourly basis to assure they don’t take advantage, and that I can pay taxes at the end of the year.
Am I nuts for considering it? I am the only person who has the knowledge they need. Two of the three people I trained when I left are gone on bad terms, and the third never understood how the back end of the system worked.
If I go through with it, can anyone recommend a template for developing a contract for a short short term I get IT gig?
Go for it
If your current employer says it’s OK for moonlighting I would charge the former company as if I were a specialized contractor….. ~ charge at least 5x more then your current rate. I have done this successfully.
They need you and from your post you will provide a detailed service
Totally agree on charging a healthy rate. As you calculate your rate, keep in mind this is 1099 work and so you’ll be paying both sides of the payroll taxes, which can add up faster than you think.
no reason not to charge high rate for experience and availability! you deserve it and it’s still a bargain to the company.
I would make sure you do it hourly, not project based. Also put in restrictions on your availability. No calling you in for meetings that conflict with your day job.
Am I making this up, or was your former job in a hospital? If it was, ask what they require of contractors in terms of insurance and whether you would need to sign their BAA. If taking the gig comes with risk of serious liability, you’ll need them to pay you a lot more than 3X salary. They probably have a standard agreement, but you’ll want to review the terms closely. Look closely at deliverables and everything around invoicing and payment.
KS IT Chick
Yep, former employer is a small hospital; current employer is a major health system. I wrote the BAA policy and form, along with the liability insurance requirements. My life today is very different from those years. I may be the only person who found the pandemic less stressful than my prior life.
I will add those to my list of things to inquire about.
Melissa Frye boots dupe?
Great pick yesterday though the feedback on it says they don’t work for people with high arches or short people? Looking for something that style of plain, black, tall boots with a slight heel that aren’t so expensive and might have shaft height options for short gals. I checked z@ppos but didn’t get anywhere and petite blogs have options that are $300 plus.
I’m surprised someone said the Melissa boots are too tall for them. I’m 5’0” and they fit perfectly.
It’s all about your leg length. I’m 5’1” with shorter legs/longer torso, so 15” boot shaft is too tall for me.
I think you spend the $300 on classic boots that you’ll have for years.
So sad that I am wondering if I could take a shop vac to my sinuses or just order a lot of Indian food to come to the same end. I just want to address my xmas cards but the gunk inside my head has dialed the pressure headache all the way up.
Do you have a sinus infection by chance? I’ve only had one but it was another level of congestion and just kept dragging on. Finally I went to the doctor and he gave me a prescription for antibiotics, which worked immediately.
Please don’t take antibiotics unless it’s been over a week with no improvement.
Hot and sour soup is perfect for congestion. I also like steamed dumplings drizzled with chili oil.
+ 1 but don’t be afraid to ask for antibiotics if this does linger.
My poor husband had a horrid sinus infection earlier in the pandemic and it lasted over two months because every time he went to the doctor they’d test him for COIVD, determine it was “just a cold,” and send him home with decongestants that barely took the edge off his symptoms.
He finally went to urgent care and found a doc who took him seriously and agreed to let him try antibiotics since nothing else had helped. He was back to 100% after a few days.
So yes, absolutely, don’t over use antibiotics. But also sometimes they are the right tool for the job and you might need to push a little to get them.
Thai or Vietnamese food might do the trick.
Agree with the other poster that you might have a sinus infection. If it’s been this bad for a week or more, see if you can get in with your doc or urgent care.
Yep, the only time I order “Thai hot” is when I’m on the tail end of a cold and need to get the last of it gone.
alkalol. avail at cvs and similar.
like a shop vac but better.
Have you tried using NeilMed (gently and make sure you get all the liquid out after you flush) and antihistamine spray?
little baker mouse
I had this issue once, and the pharmacist sent me home with Sudafed. It worked.
+1. The stuff that’s behind the counter where you have to give them your driver’s license to buy it.
Dr. The Original ...
Update since a few of you very kindly asked me to when I had one… Interview 2 of Dream Job just ended and went well, I think. They said they plan to call references of the top candidate and then make a verbal offer, then a written offer in hopes of everything done by 12-19 when they go on break and then start would be new year. I don’t know how many are in the running or anything about them. I truly believe I’ve done all I can and that I’m the perfect fit for this role. Now that I’ve sent the thank you email, I wait and hope.
This is maybe worse than dating but at least here I try to tell myself that if this perfect job exists, others might too so I shouldn’t hang my world on this one if it doesn’t happen. I just really hope it does. (Also, I’ve found I’m more hopeful about this than after first or second dates and I’m less anxious about this, so that’ll be interesting to discuss in therapy next week LOL)
Oh, crossing all my fingers and toes for you (and how great that they gave you such a specific timeline!).
Good luck!!! I was thinking of you all day and am rooting for you.
I’m so excited for you! I hope it all goes well. Keep updating!!
Have any of you been on accutane? I know it is common for men in my husband’s family (but don’t know of any women). I know that you have to go on serious BC (which may also help with acne, but I have always hated being on the pill other than being able to skip periods). This is for my teen daughter, who is having horrible acne now that she’s well into puberty. Topicals and something called Minolira haven’t helped as much as we’d hoped. Next up might be a stronger antibiotic, but the derm mentioned being open to accutane. I am in theory, but besides the BC issues, I know that it has been implicated in suicides (IIRC). What else is there to be aware of for a girl? She is already having some scarring, so I want to turn a corner on this sooner vs later.
I went on it in my late teens/early 20s and it really worked! Nothing else helped. I can’t remember how long I was on it, but it basically cured my acne. Other than normal stress breakouts, I have had no issues since then. That was a million years ago, but I do remember having really dry lips and the inside of nose that caused nosebleeds. Other than that, no issues with it.
I was on Accutane a very long time ago, in my late teens (so, 25 years ago?). It made an enormous difference for me. I understand that there are huge risks, and the risks are better understood now. But it was a huge improvement for me after many other failed interventions. I do remember the dryness was next-level, though.
I did in my 20s and only wish I’d done it sooner. I had constant ‘moderate’ acne but it just would.not.go.away despite pills/creams/lasers. It was so embarrasing to be the pimply one, especially on my chest/neck. When I was in tears about trying to find a blouse in the summer for work that covered my chest and neck due to a bad breakout I knew it was time to do something. It wasn’t fun (aches/pains are common, my lips and hands were dry and scaly) but overall it was a miracle drug and I would do it again.
You may also want to ask her ObGyn to check for PCOS (which I was only diagnosed with in my 30s and was likely the cause of the acne the whole time) – spironolactone can be a total gamechanger for many people.
back in high school I had a few friends on it. I just remember needing the 2 forms of BC (the friends on it weren’t sexually active but still needed to be on BC + promise to use a condom if they did have sex – being abstinent did not count as a form of BC) and also couldn’t get their eyebrows waxed (and this was in the days of skinny brows still). It also made their skin very, very dry so would recommend having your daughter look into a non-acne skincare routine too.
Before putting your daughter on Accutane, double check to ensure that she does not have PCOS. My daughter had terrible, terrible cystic acne which all the derm drugs (through and including Accutane) and doctors did little to address. No one suggested PCOS. As soon as her GYN (w/teen speciality) ordered the testing and started her on appropriate treatment for the underlying hormonal cause, rather than the symptoms, her skin cleared up. She is lucky that she has no physical scarring, but the emotional scars are deep. I feel like I failed her as a parent when I thought I was doing the right thing in taking her to a highly regarded dermatologist.
I was on it twice. Once during senior year of high school and once sophomore year of college. The last time was 14 year ago, possibly things have changed. Ultimately, it worked great, but the side effects of dry skin/sunburn sensitivity/cannot get your eyebrow a waxed without pulling off chunks of skin are something you should pay attention to.
The birth control thing is also very serious, and not being s-active at that time in my life it was a little jarring to answer those questions and also answering them with my mom in the room. My mom (both parents actually) are very open about that sort of thing, it was just very awkward to take about that during my first round of accutane as a 17 year old with my mom (who was there to be supportive and a second set of ears for listening to a Dr, which I have always found helpful). So I mention this to just be mindful that the appointments could be rather awkward for your daughter.
I was on accutane as a teen and wasn’t made to take birth control. I remember signing some pledge. For what it’s worth though, I wish I had tried birth control pills first. The accutane didn’t work as well as the birth control I was on in college. Accutane also gave me weird eczema and I head to get regular blood tests. It wasn’t worth it for me.
My daughter was recently able to sign a waiver and take pregnancy tests to avoid having to take BC. We are in Texas, fwiw.
I did in college and it was amazing. Idk what you mean by “serious BC”?! That’s weird and alarmist the normal birth control pill is fine. The testing is much easier as a kid at home than in college so I’d try and do it as early as your derm recommends. She will need all the aquaphor. The suicide link is minimal.
Please don’t let BC pills sway you against it! Everyone reacts to the pill differently so your daughter may not have negative side effects even though you did. I went on the pill at 15 for other medical reasons and loved it. It was a relief to have regular periods and stop worrying that it would arrive unexpectedly in the middle of algebra class.
My sister did a course of Accutane in her early 20s when, after a lifetime of lovely skin, she suddenly had cystic acne that wouldn’t respond to anything else. There was a brief period in the beginning with serious redness and peeling – if your daughter takes it, you may want to try to schedule the initial period to a school break if possible – and after that, her skin was perfect and appeared poreless. She stopped taking it and the acne never came back.
I was on Accutane when I was 19. It sucked but it’s really the last line of defense for scarring acne. Just be prepared for extreme dryness on all body parts, not just the face. Lips, calves, and eyes were my worst.
You should not try to keep your daughter from going on the pill just because you didn’t enjoy it. The right pill (and it took some trial and error) has been very helpful in treating my daughter’s acne.
Spirolactone? That’s what my derm gives me for my hormonal acne (WHY do I have it at 36?!?)
Just wait until you ask this in your 50’s. My derm warned me it is likely life long for me.
Thanks goodness for sprinolactone and tretinoin.
57. Just restarted it. :/
I took it when I was a senior in high school/freshman in college. I was on birth control and my doctor also made me get my blood tested once a month to monitor kidney or liver (?) functioning. I can’t remember. It did make my skin incredibly dry, so I used lots of lotion and chapstick. But it worked and I did not feel like I had any bad side effects.
I was on it 30 years ago and it did wonders for my skin with very minimal drying or other side effects (yes to 2 methods of bc but I was not sexually active at the time). My daughter was on it at 15 and honestly I would love for her to try a second round now at 19 but she is not interested due to her very dry, cracked skin while using. She was not sexually active and I remember blood tests and pregnancy tests but I don’t think she was on bc at that point. She did end up on bc (from pediatrician) at age 16 due to miserable periods. She still gets acne (mostly at hairline) but the bc has helped. She is on the lowest dose type but more important to her is that her periods are very manageable, almost nonexistent now. She uses a routine from Paula’s Choice and when she is consistent her skin is very clear. Please talk openly with your daughter about what she wants and more importantly what she is willing to do. My daughter’s roommate does not have an open relationship with her mom and is needlessly suffering with acne and terrible periods.
Sister and sister-in-law
I have not, but my sister and my sister-in-law were both on it, and it was life changing. My husband has been on it three times–as a teen, in his 30s, and in his late 40s. He went the antibiotic route, but he had horrible bowel movements and it didn’t cut it. Finally, his dermatologist told him that accutane was the only tool left. The moisturizers are better now to deal with dryness.
I agree to get your daughter checked for PCOS, but please do not let your experience with the Pill stand in her way. Even if her experience is as bad as yours, she may well think it’s worth it to deal with the acne.
I went on it in college and although it improved my cystic acne, it impacted my mental health (very weepy, depressed, sad). I never before or after stopping have had any mental health issues. So please be in the lookout for any mood changes in your daughter should you choose to go down the accutane route.
And yes, def check for PCOS first.
Twice in my early 30s. It was fantastically life-changing. In addition to the “don’t get pregnant while on Accutane,” beware that it makes you highly photo-sensitive (i burned my wrists walking across the street to lunch during the summer), so schedule accordingly.
I did Accutane in college and I have mixed feelings. On one hand it cured years of terrible cystic acne and I wish I had done it sooner and avoided the scarring that still bums me out today (mid-thirties). On the other hand I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis in my late twenties which came as a total shock to me, and I remember reading that there were some links between accutane usage and UC. Colitis has definitely impacted my life negatively although not sure I can fully blame the accutane, maybe it was always lurking in my genes waiting to erupt? Not sure what choice I would make now if faced with that decision again.
My “niece” went on it toward the end of her Senior Year (last year) and it changed her life. She has her dad’s oily skin and the body acne was mentally debilitating for her. Even if WE didn’t think it was bad. She’s in her freshman year of college in a warm climate (AZ) and she can wear what everyone else wears (basically nothing because I’m old and think they are always naked) and feels so much better. She said the dryness was worth it to her.
I’m going paperless!! Well, trying to. I have (please don’t judge) 9 laundry baskets of paper in my house, and 3-5 bankers boxes in my office. I am an attorney. I have a big scanner at work and can enlist help to scan and shred, but I really need to be the one to sort it. For my personal stuff, I need to purge and handle scanning/shredding on my own. I have blocked this entire weekend with the goal of Purging but I know I’m going to run into some roadblocks. (Sentimental, nephew’s baby art, etc.) I know I need to figure out a system for intake in the future, but this weekend is all about purging. Any tips welcome! I shiver at the thought of Mari Kondo’s “keep no paper” edict but I have a long way to go.
I’d suggest getting a phone app or figuring out if your phone can scan. iPhones are supposed to but I prefer the app scanner pro. Once you find the right lighting it can go quickly.
For very long documents like old taxes I just take them to the library to scan.
I keep a lot of pdfs in my computer hard drive but some in Evernote also if I think I may need to access them while out and about.
If it’s a bill you paid, purge.
For artwork: take a picture, it’s what I do with my kids art work. We keep some in boxes but I know we’re never going through those again.
My best tip: rent a post office box and have all mail delivered there. Sort and recycle at the post office, which cuts down enormously on the amount of paper which enters the house. Subscribe to all newspapers and periodicals online only.
Throw it all out. Don’t shred don’t sort that’s all just excuses to keep hoarding trash.
Hello from someone who has had serious identity theft (as in, the perpetrator is in jail but the use of my ID hasn’t stopped.)
Shred anything with your name and address. Please.
get a Fujitsu scansnap.
I do my scanning when watching CLEs. goes by fast.
The vast majority will be garbage, so don’t worry too much and just do it! I save old taxes (digitally) and receipts from major purchases (like furniture and jewelry), where I don’t have an email receipt. I also have a box of sentimental paper but I think you should set that aside and deal with it after you’re done with the regular paper.
I’ve dealt with it by hiring an on-site shredding company to come to my house. I think they’re everywhere, just google. My tip is if you haven’t looked at the paper in a year, you probably don’t need it. Do a loose check for valuable things but throw most out. Anything sweet or sentimental, take a photo. For printed photos, don’t spend a ton of time but you pro will want to keep them, so stack neatly and get some pretty boxes to store them in.
Why is this in mod?
Oh I used a bad word
I’ve dealt with it by hiring a shredding company that comes to your house and shreds everything in front of you in seconds. I think they’re everywhere, just google. My tip is if you haven’t looked at the paper in a year, you probably don’t need it. Do a loose check for valuable things but throw most out. Anything sweet or sentimental, take a photo. For printed photos, don’t spend a ton of time but you pro will want to keep them, so stack neatly and get some pretty boxes to store them in.
When you were a kid/teen did you have an area of intellectual interest that was ongoing for a period of years (ie Ancient Egypt or black holes)? Did this in any way influence your eventual choice of college major or career? Is it still something you think about or read about as an adult?
I just finished reading a book about mine and I just want to be 12 again and go to the library and check out every book on the topic and do nothing but read them all weekend!
Ancient Greece and Rome (yes, I am this morning’s Latin Club participant). I minored in Classical Civilizations in college, but nothing to do with my career (other than I guess lawyers use some Latin phrases every once and a while). I don’t really read much about it as an adult, other than fictional mythology retellings like Circe, or anything National Geographic has.
I loved Ancient Egyptian history, Greek mythology and Ancient Roman history when I was young. I’m the other Latin Club nerd… I took Latin in high school because my school didn’t offer German. I stuck with Latin in college and ended up majoring in it. I’m an accountant now.
I was obsessed with National Geographic and our Ancient Lands CD-ROM and majored in anthropology. I thought I wanted to be an archaeologist but realized in my first semester I didn’t want to spend that much time in a hole.
Ohh, archaeology. I was super into it until a friendly frog hopped up to me while I was digging at archaelogoy camp and scared me silly. Now I wish 9 year old me had been made of sterner stuff.
I had a few different interests, mostly relating to history, nature, government, and current events. I remember being very into tracking hurricanes and making evacuation plans as a kid, loving ancient Egypt and wanting to be an Egyptologist or archaeologist, having a huge Laura Ingalls Wilder phase and wanting to be an explorer or pioneer, wanting to be an FBI agent who solved historical crimes, and also wanting to be Secretary of State, and after 9/11 I wanted to be in the Army.
My bachelors is in international relations and my masters is in criminal justice. I used to be an intelligence analyst and now I am an emergency manager, so I think I’ve been pretty spot on :)
I wanted to be a dinosaur paleontologist (Land Before Time was my favorite movie as a kindergartener), which lead to me reading about all sorts of rocks (geology) and plate tectonics and then animal evolution through high school, and my original college major was evolution and ecology. I ended up majoring in environmental science instead, and I work in that field now. While I am not a paleontologist, geology is still something I have to use in my professional life every day so learning about sedimentary v igneous rocks back as a kid has been pretty useful.
That being said, I still love learning about dinosaur paleontology in my free time and how much the field keeps expanding every year.
I keep wanting to learn more about paleontology has changed since I was young (I ended up getting a degree in Classics, so I really, really did not keep up, unless Theseus’s bones count!). Are there websites or books or periodicals you recommend?
Geology and earth sciences are the best.
Yes! It is the thing I miss most about adolescence. I had an Oregon trail period, an Egypt period, an Ellis Island/tenement period, and others that don’t come to mind.
I think I would have been happier as a history major, but I’m not sure what job that would have translated to. Instead my unrelated career lets me buy all the history books my heart desires.
I’m the emergency manager/intelligence analyst above and both of my fields would benefit from a history degree. In fact, a few years ago (when I was more active in intel), I gave a talk at my old high school about studying history (as stated above, I majored in international relations, but I minored in history, political science, and Spanish) and working in government and intelligence. I had originally studied history and Spanish for fun and IR/poli sci for my career, but had I known how helpful history and language would have been in my career, I would have majored in history too.
While the subject matter knowledge I learned in my studies helped my career, the skills (research, analytic thinking, critical thinking, writing, public speaking) are applicable in many, many careers.
Oh yes, one after another. Some interests included Celtic mythology, the Gnostic Gospels, and ancient Egypt. Basically, every year I had some kind of new obsession. Honestly, this is still the case – I went through a phase where I read 40 million books about the history of Florence recently.
I was very very into old movies and the music of Gershwin. Did not influence my career but the interest in Gershwin led me to appreciate both jazz and classical music (including opera), which are lifelong interests for me.
The Romanovs. It started as an obsession with the animated movie and then my Grandma telling me there was a distant non-familial connection and it just kind of went from there. It didn’t really span into my working life, but historical fiction is one of my favorite genres to read.
There is a fabulous Netflix show called The Romanovs you might love that’s based on their descendants and other related stories. Similarly obsessed.
I was also way into Anastasia!!! I even dragged my friends to an exhibit a few hours away during high school on Romanov period faberge eggs and the like.
It’s definitely something I still read about and follow a bit.
I was very very into extrasensory perception and read a lot about it.
It has not influenced my choice of major or career, thankfully! lol
Completely obsessed with ancient Egypt from ages 7-12. I still love to read and watch movies about ancient Egypt but figured out pretty early that the job market for Egyptologists was extremely limited and probably not a great career choice.
i had a few and they are still interests/hobbies today. none of them were a career choice for various reasons,though.
you don’t have to be 12 again to check out library books and read them all weekend, i do it sometimes and i haven’t been 12 for a very long time, haha
Musical theatre. The love never went away and I work in the performing arts now. Not as a performer, though.
I was obsessed with Greek mythology as a child and eventually ended up pursuing a degree in classics. Fast forward 11 years and I now work in medicine and don’t regularly use my degree except to regurgitate interesting factoids. I still find it interesting but it doesn’t hold the fascination it did when I was younger.
I like having a job that pays well and is recession proof.
Could I please have a hug?
I think my marriage might be ending and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want it to end, but I’m at the end of my tether.
DH has had a lot of MH issues over the past couple years – depression, anxiety, anger control, and substance abuse. Some of them have logical bases, some of them not. He is very resistant to getting external help, but flip flops between acknowledging fault (to the extreme of saying borderline suicidal things about how the world would be better without him) to everything being my fault and I’m a horrible selfish person.
His personal hygiene and household contributions have tanked. We don’t really garden because of the hygiene and substance issues, which makes him feel rejected.
I’ve definitely made some mistakes, but I’ve been trying my best. I’ve started walking away when he starts yelling or swearing or calling me names, but I don’t know how many more times I have it in me to forgive once he snaps out of it.
I was on his phone changing the music yesterday when a message from a woman he volunteers with saying “I love you boo” came in and and he responded back to her with a heart from his computer. I didn’t go back through the messages so maybe it’s all platonic, but I’m now feeling so lost and burnt out and also just … sad.
It would be a big financial, social, and emotional hit for me to leave. We’ve been married almost 15 years. No kids. I love the person he was, but I’m not sure he’s that person any more and I don’t know if that person will come back.
Visualize both options, leaving versus staying. What does life look like in 5 years? When you think about staying, how does your body react? When you think about a life without him, how does it feel? Are you getting a full body yes or full body no either way?
I suspect the answer is that you know you need to leave. You will get through this! Life will be better! You deserve better! Big hugs!
All I can do is give you as many hugs as you need. I’m so sorry for the pain you are in.
He is cheating on you.
Probably true, but even if it isn’t, the situation is unacceptable. I’m especially concerned to hear that the only way he seems to ever admit fault is to start talking about how the world would be better without him: this is not accountability. It’s manipulative and deflecting any real discussion, even if he really is having SI. It sounds to me like unless he is willing to get on board with treatment completely and immediately, he has effectively left the marriage while leaving OP the difficult job of actually calling it. I’m so sorry, OP.
Agree with Monday.
Unfortunately, this is accurate.
Big, big hug. I’m so sorry. I think you know deep down that you need to leave. You will get through this and it’ll be better on the other side.
Oh my goodness, sending you an internet hug. I am so sorry. I would try to start with therapy for yourself to help sort through all of this and hopefully help clarify what you want to do. Being yelled/sworn at/called names is not OK.
Leave. You need to leave.
DH had a boss with a husband like this. She actually took 6 months off to deal with the divorce. But 15 years later she is in a much better place. She met a widowed doctor who is super active and sporty like a couple years after the divorce. They have been together for ages now and spend their retirement on adventure tourism holidays and visiting his kids/grandkids who actually really like her and that she makes their dad happy.
You really need to leave. He’s being verbally abusive and not taking responsibility for any of it or getting better. You are giving so much of yourself to make the relationship work – imagine how it will feel to find out he’s cheating (You know already that he is emotionally cheating).
You will be able to find someone else wonderful, and in the meantime, it will be such a huge relief to be on your own.
I came back to add, get a complete picture of your finances before you do anything. Account for every dollar coming in and going out.
You should do this regardless, but something about an “I love you, boo” text coming into a man who doesn’t keep up with basic hygiene makes me think scam, probably an online scam.
Divorce him anyway.
Agree with every word of this. I was married to my abusive husband for 15 years, too, and my only regret is not leaving sooner. When I was with him, I wouldn’t have even dared to dream of the amazing life I have now. Not gonna lie and say it will be easy, but I promise things are so much better on the other side!
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it’s worth it!
You sound so profoundly unhappy. I don’t think you can stay this marriage as it is now. I’m torn between suggesting that you issue an ultimatum (enter MH treatment or I leave) and saying that you have given him plenty of chances over 15 years. There is an old line about marriage doubling your joy and halving your sorrows. I don’t think you’re getting anything close to that.
I stayed for years in a marriage that doubled my sorrows and halved my joy and it was a horrible mistake. OP, get out asap.
Same boat, totally agreed.
OP – the first step is the hardest and scariest. Three years out from my divorce, I am happier than I ever imagined possible. I hope you leave and find the same.
And before/if you do – agreed with other posters that you should get a good snapshot of your finances, AND seek legal advice before telling him.
You should leave him, and I’m someone who thinks many people here are too quick to urge divorce. There are real upsides to staying in a just ok marriage especially with kids involved. But you don’t have kids and more importantly this marriage isn’t ok. He’s emotionally and verbally abusing you and most likely cheating on you. Get out now. And I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
all the hugs!
call a divorce lawyer or 3 before saying anything to your husband?
can you go to a friend or family members for a week on an “urgent” matter?
If you do have kids you should leave too. Otherwise you are teaching them that this is how people behave in a marriage.
I agree with you, and I’m similarly someone who thinks people are often too quick to call it.
All the hugs. All the hugs.
Since you asked, I’d leave. An affair (at least emotional) seems like the bright line I’d need to get out. (Not that you do or should need one- but for me I could see it being helpful.) sorry if that is harsh or sounds insensitive but if on the off chance your brain works like mine Id be relieved on some level about the betrayal. You can go back and forth for ever about how much support you can give to a spouse like this but if they’re also cheating on you it’s probably easier to walk away.
When you say you love the person he was, that’s a memory. You have to love the person he is now. You can’t count on him ever being like he used to be again.
So, that said, so you really want to spend the rest of your life with the person he is now??
Free yourself, my friend.
15 years is a long time. I got divorced after 13 years. It was very hard for a long time, but once I got through the first year or so, I have been happier than I thought possible. You’re allowed to leave. You might find a better partner on the other side (I did) or you might not. Being single sounds a hell of a lot better than your situation now though (and was a hell of a lot better than mine too). You are a strong and capable woman. You’ve got this.
Dr. The Original ...
Facts aren’t feelings, so let’s break this down…
Feelings first- you don’t deserve this and I am so so sorry you are going through it. It sounds horrible to not be able to find the man you married and to live with someone gross who chooses harmful behaviors over your requests to help himself. I’m so sorry home isn’t a safe place for you. I’m also so sorry he is sharing kind words with someone when he isn’t with you.
Facts time- you don’t deserve this. He is choosing not to change or work on fixing addiction or hygiene or apparently fidelity. He is choosing this every single day and has been for months or years. You say this would be “a big financial, social, and emotional hit .” Let’s look at that… If you leave, it’s temporarily financially tough, temporarily socially tough, and temporarily emotionally really tough. No question. However, if you stay, unwilling addiction is indefinitely expensive. Living with someone who can’t socialize due to hygiene and who keeps you feeling trapped in a harmful marriage harms one’s social life indefinitely. Living where it’s not safe at home and you are being actively harmed with words, actions, possible affair, and unmet hopes of finding who he once was is indefinitely emotionally harmful.
So let’s sum up the facts we know: No matter what, this is “a big financial, social, and emotional hit .” Your choices are whether that is temporary via divorce or indefinite via staying.
When we put the facts we know with the feelings of how horrible this feels each day, it makes sense that you’d be so exhausted that taking a big financial, social, and emotional hit right now sounds like choosing to make things worse, not better. It also makes sense that everyone who loves you (including all of us here) are going to encourage you to go because we know that Future You deserves a life that is far better than this. If his verbal behavior or physical behavior has you not knowing you deserve far better, please trust us until you can trust yourself again.
Sending love <3
This is a thoughtful and compassionate response, and exactly what I think a lot of women (myself included) need to hear when they know they need to leave and are struggling.
You seem like you’re an excellent friend.
Ok nope. Call a lawyer today make an appointment. Call a therapist Monday. You have got to start treating yourself better than putting up with him.
You sound smart and energetic, but like you’ve been dumping all that into a black hole of a relationship.
However long it takes you to get to the other side, I predict you will blossom when you get there.
It’s something to look forward to. I bet you’ll find that financial, social, and emotional markers rebound, too. In a relationship like this, the whole is less than the sum of the parts.
Start focusing your energy on yourself instead of your husband/marriage. Get a therapist and let allllll this out in a safe, confidential space. Privately talk to a few family lawyers to know what the process and outcome would be like. Spend time with kind people. Do things you enjoy.
Free yourself from making a decision right this second.
this guy has been dragging u down for years and now this text? no ma’am. make a plan and get out. he doesn’t respect you.
also – if you worry about the social hit because all of your friends are his from college or whatever – might be a good opportunity to move to a new LCOL city and reassess.
Sending you a big virtual hug and all my wishes for some stability for you. Life is hard enough. Your partner should be a soft place to land. It only gets more that way as you get older and life’s pressures get harder (ill parents, more responsibility at work, possibly your own health issues, etc. etc.). You deserve to be in a relationship where the relationship itself feels easier over time not harder. (I say this as someone who has been through cancer, job loss and with a spouse who has been through incredibly stressful job changes, family alienation, etc. You need someone who is in he bunker with you.
I also would push back on the assumption of the social, emotional and financial hit. The loneliest place isn’t when you’re alone. It’s when you’re alone while being with someone else. And while there may be financial security now, being tied with someone dealing with substance abuse and mental health issues means it’s unlikely to stay that way for long.
I’m sorry, I’ve had similar struggles in my household. Thankfully our children are adults. I’ve been listening to Vicky Tidwell Palmer Podcasts and may get some of her books on boundaries. That is my first step in deciding what to do next. I wish you all the best as you decide what is right for your situation. You are not alone in your struggles.
Honey, you’ve needed a hug for YEARS. Giant hugs to you. You’ve got this.
Even if it’s platonic which I doubt, my husband sending a heart emoji would be unacceptable. Thank god you have no kids and move on.
Really? The heart emoji seems like the least of the problems here. Totally agree OP should dump him, but saying a man can’t react to a text from a female friend with a heart seems like an overreaction. I often feel like a bit of a prude based on discussions here (for example, I would not want my partner sharing a hotel room with an opposite sex friend or colleague) but my husband has female friends and I’m sure he “hearts” their texts on occasion. It’s a way of saying “I like that message” not “I love you.”
Off work today and just did my first olaplex treatment! For those of you who do wet hair treatments you’re supposed to leave on for 20-40 minutes – what is your routine? I always feel so drippy and cold.
I towel-dry my hair until it’s just damp, apply the Olaplaex, tie my hair in a bun and put on regular clothes. You can even sleep with it in at that point.
I will turn my shower cap inside out and put that on so I’m not dripping. I also try to get as much water out of my hair as possible before putting in any treatments.
Following! My system needs more too.
So far: I wet my long hair under tub faucet while still in clothes, do the treatment (sometimes it’s pre sometimes post shampoo), clip up in a plastic shower cap, then heat cap.
I bought disposable shower caps (like the hotel kind) and use those. If I am especially cold I will cover with a knit hat and go about my day until time is up. My hair does best when I do this weekly.
Oh and I use a spray bottle to dampen my hair so it’s not soaking wet.
I save the thin plastic bags I put my produce in at the grocery store and use those. After I bag up my head, I might cover it with a towel or shower cap to increase the warmth.
Here’s some Friday good news: I posted a few weeks ago about giving up coffee and being very upset about it. Well, I’m three weeks out from my last cup of coffee and holy cow has it been worth it. Giving up coffee was part of a larger migraine treatment plan (mostly focused on dietary changes) and I’m MIGRAINE FREE! Before I had 10-12 headache days per month and was taking a ton of triptans. I started this new treatment plan four and a half weeks ago and since then I’ve had two headache days and am officially 12 days completely symptom-free. I’m SO HAPPY.
Also, if anyone wants to buy my practically new Moccamaster, let me know, haha.
Congratulations! I also gave up coffee a while ago and it was so, so hard, but every time I slip up and have a cup, I am miserable for the rest of the day. I’m so glad giving it up has all but cured your migraines – that is amazing!!!
Congratulations! I was one of the people who replied to your post, and I also gave up coffee because I have chronic m*graine. Unfortunately it hasn’t helped with my headaches at all, but it made me so nauseated that I couldn’t stand to drink it, so I didn’t have much choice (and at least the nausea got better). I’ve also developed bladder pain issues, so now I’m the super fun person who won’t drink coffee, tea, alcohol, citrus, soda, or anything else carbonated. Just plain water. And sometimes herbal tea. But it really does help.
WOW – this is an incredible story. Thanks for sharing it. There are a lot of folks on this board with headaches, and maybe someone with chronic migraine will see this and it will change their life too.
Just – WOW!! Enjoy your weekend.
what was the rest of your headache free approach please?
Can I get some ideas on how to use ground beef? We ordered some packages and turns out they were much bigger than the one pound packs we were expecting. Just cooking for two people. Only ideas we can come up with is to brown up the ground beef and put it in pasta, like a cheesy mac type of thing. Or put browned ground beef in pasta with red sauce. Any other ideas? Neither of us loves tacos with ground beef, we both prefer chicken or beans, nor are we fans of shepards pie. Any obvious easy recipes I’m missing?
Beef mushroom barley soup
Stroganoff if you like it
Smitten Kitchen’s bolognese uses a pound of ground beef
Korean beef and rice bowls. So good, uses a pound of ground beef but you can double and have leftovers for days.
I also like pastisio made with ground beef. And kofta! With tzatziki sauce and hummus and rice or greek salad – yummy.
And there’s always chili! I like chili better with ground beef than stew meat or ground turkey – serve with cornbread.
I will try to post a couple of recipe links.
I serve this over rice, along with peeled cucumber slices marinated in a little rice wine vinegar and sesame seeds, plus kimchi for those who like it, and I mix up a little dressing using mayonnaise and gochujang paste. My kids go nuts for this dish.
note, I don’t usually have bucatini at home. I often use penne or spaghetti.
Chili, meatballs, burgers, stuffed bell peppers?
tater tot casserole
black bean soup ftom kalyn kitchen
>tater tot casserole
Minnesota’s in the HOUSE!
Live from St. Paul
Lol, apparently so!
lol I’m actually not from Minnesota – got the recipe years ago from a forum for dieters. It’s such a weird but tasty dish!
Let’s have a link!
Half Baked Harvest’s homemade hamburger helper. So good.
Meatballs don’t have to be the Italian red sauced kind. Spice a basic tomato sauce with Moroccan spices (buy a ras el hanout mix for a shortcut) and serve with couscous.
Moussaka with beef instead of lamb.
Home made hamburger patties
If you have a three pound pack, put meat in bowl and separate into three. Brown one third with onion and garlic, and add tomato and stock. Make either lasagna sauce, chili or bolognese, have the sauce on a low simmer while you handle the rest.
Make Korean BBQ beef with one third – again, sauce on low simmer or crockpot.
Add chopped onion, garlic, chili, an egg, seasoning to the rest and make hamburger patties or meatballs. Put them in the fridge to hold their shape while you clean up. Make hamburgers or salad with burger patties for dinner on cook day. For the next days, you have your sauce ready, just reheat and make rice, pasta and vegetable sides.
little baker mouse
Moroccan meatballs as recommended above (I like to use harissa and ras el hanout for the tomato sauce.
Beef koftas (can be grilled or pan fried, and served with different, non tomato sauces). They are good as kebabs with tzatziki.
You can freeze all these different variations, too, and then you don’t have to eat all the ground beef all at once.
Loco moco. I think this one is a “do not freeze.”
I cook for one. I break it up into 8oz portions and cook it with whatever seasoning. Taco can go on salad, or in tacos. Asian can be lettuce cups, in lettuce cups, on salad. I just freeze the rest and the small portions thaw quickly and cook quickly. I need a break from it for a week. Then I go back.
I’ve made this in different ways, and it’s meatballs are awesome: https://food52.com/recipes/77856-fall-weeknight-pasta
Where are the meatballs in this recipe?
still pillowcase question:
I buy the 32mm silk pillowcases from fishers finery but find that after a few months of normal washing (gentle cycle, laundries detergent), they get dull and don’t seem to be as protective anymore.
is that normal or do you have other recommendations? they aren’t cheap and I’ve repurchased several times 3 beds already.
Are you washing them inside out?
It’s just a fact that shiny, satiny silk gets more matte over time as you wash it, unfortunately.
yes and in lingerie bags.
does that mean that the benefits to skin and hair have gone as well?
I just get the cheap ones from Zimasilk on amazon – they colors have stayed really bright for several years now. i wash with woolite and air dry. i don’t know about dullness, they may be getting more matte.
Anon for this
I’m the one who posted for a while about being in the relationship with the married man with the kids. I posted a while ago that my update was that things ended 6+ months ago and I’ve been in weekly or 2x weekly therapy since to sort this out. I actually saw a video clip of him by accident recently and felt my face cringe. I have no doubt that he has moved on using tinder or whatever to fill the gap I left and that it wasn’t the love story I imagined while in it but a manipulative liar who utilized my weaknesses against me because I gave him access to the information.
How do I deal with the embarrassment about it? I was so in love at the time that people did know about him and while no one in my life has openly judged or treated me differently (and all know I went immediately into therapy), I sometimes read AITA or the Good Morning America stories and am disgusted with myself for having participated in and fallen for it all. I’m not someone who has even ever thought of another while in a relationship so this was totally out of character for me and won’t ever happen again. I don’t believe in living with regret, I just find myself really struggling to process the decision I made for that time while seeing the very real and very valid responses to celeb cheating or tv show characters or whatnot.
I know what in my upbringing led me to it, I know how manipulative and narcissistic he was, I know I got and am getting therapy, I know it won’t ever happen again. So why do I still feel so awful about myself for it- or is this just the lifelong karma of participating in something that hurt others and I don’t get to try to not feel this way?
I think this is the feeling that leads cheating spouses to confess, hoping they’ll be absolved or whatever. I think this guilt is just the price you pay for the lesson.
Ultimately you have to forgive yourself. Could you forgive a friend who did what you did? I think I could.
Also, maybe explore what beating yourself up over this does for you – is it your way of trying to safeguard you from doing this again? Does it feel like it is making amends? (It isn’t). Do you feel like you deserve punishment? Where does that come from? Something to explore in therapy maybe.
We all have things we regret and cringe about years later. It sounds like you’ve learned from this and while it doesn’t feel good to have these regular reminders, think of this as a moment of recognition of how much you’ve grown. You previously didn’t see a problem with this and now you do. Recognize you’re in a more mature place in your life and that those feelings are a reminder of that growth.
Shame is a feeling, and it’s one of the most powerful and hard to kick. It is definitely worth bringing it to therapy.
I’ve struggled with similar shame following a similar (though brief) situation but in the end, we’re human. I’ve forgiven betrayals by others who were imperfect humans and hurt me in the process. Similarly, I have compassion to forgive myself for making mistakes based on loneliness, needing validation, and selfishness (very human qualities). Of course I wish I never made the mistake, but that can’t be changed.
i think you might just have to accept that the guilt and the embarassment is something you’ll have to live with as you go forward. treat it as a lesson learned, because at the end of the day, no matter what the reasons behind it, you made the choice to be a married man’s affair partner. your feelings are just some of the consequences of that choice.
I’ve been on all sides of this equation. (Cheated, been cheated on, been the other woman, and need the child.) Nobody gets to be the morality police here and everyone wants to point fingers at the “other woman” in this scenario. And you’re pointing fingers at yourself. As my mom said to me about my dad when I was an adult, “This wasn’t “insert other woman’s name” fault. Your dad was the married one. He is the one who made the decision. Period.” Stop beating yourself up, deal with what needs to happen to get into a better head space, and move on. This stuff happens so frequently. Everyone wants to think it doesn’t, but it does. I live in a small-ish town and the frequency with which this happens is shockingly high. And it’s the same frequency everywhere, but I live in a place where we all know about it.
While I am appalled at some of my relationship choices/decisions in my past, here’s the thing: I didn’t kill anyone. I didn’t do anything with someone who didn’t have the mental capacity to say “no.” I didn’t do anything illegal. I didn’t ruin someone’s life with a false accusation or a false statement. I didn’t confront anyone in the periphery to tell them my side of the story. I’ve never attempted to contact my exes or their significant others in order to sow chaos.
Most people have stuff in their lives that they aren’t particularly proud of doing, at least by the time they get to their 40s like yours truly. I can’t change the past, but I can change the future by not castigating myself for things I did a long time ago.
This is all very recent. Therapy will help you a LOT, and it will take you a long time to understanding just how manipulative he is. It will take you a long time to understand how parts of your upbringing primed you for this. You can understand this intellectually, but it takes a while for your heart to really get it. Try years, not months. Be patient and trust the process. Understand that your guilt is a sign of a healthy conscience, and there is a silver lining to the way you feel.
One of the things that really helped me – in a “rebreaking the bone that never healed properly” way – was having my own child. I really *get* how my upbringing primed me for abuse and pain. Am I an adult who owns my own choices? YES. Am I an adult who was raised to be a meal for predators? Yeah. Would I ever subject my own child to the garbage I was put through? I pray every night that I am kept from that path.
Dr. The Original ...
Best Act of Service you’ve ever been gifted? Favorite Act of Service you’ve ever gifted?
I’ll go first… I temporarily relocated from my apt to another state and unexpectedly stayed longer. As a result, I had a point where I had about 3 days to move out of my apt where I’d lived for 7 yrs. My closest local friend offered to show up, walk through to find out what I was keeping versus selling. She boxed everything I was keeping and labeled boxes. She posted online everything for sale, sold items, repaid herself for boxes money, then deposited the rest in my bank account. When I returned, the only items not dealt with were the random things she wasn’t sure if I was keeping or tossing, the extra packing supplies for what I was keeping and would need to box, and basic cleaning to get my deposit back.
This was over a decade ago and I still periodically thank her for it as it was the biggest relief of all time!
I guess my favorite gifted has been when I’ve had friends debut on Broadway or have a musical performance when I haven’t been local. I’ve put money into flights or long drives to be in the audience for their big moment. No matter how broke I’ve been or will be, I have a separate budget line for “showing up.” I’ve long ago decided that my priorities are much higher in being present for loved ones than in fancy clothes or shoes or tech or a newer car. Being able to be present for those I love is a gift I give them and also feels like one to give myself as it consistently reaffirms that I may be 39 and crossing my fingers about a very real job and not married and not a homeowner and not a size 6 and not whatever else people tell me I should be, but I AM someone who shows up for the people who matter most to me which makes me like myself more than if I were fitting others’ definitions of what should matter to me. (cue Luke Combs “Does to Me” and the Planes, Trains, and Automobiles “I like me” monologue haha)
Your turn! What have you been gifted? What have you gifted?
this deserves a thoughtful reply. until then, I have mentally added Dr The Original to my ideal dinner party of corporettes (SA and pugs already on the list)
an east coast gal can dream!
Recommendation for a florist in West Palm Beach Florida?
Hey , I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the kindness and care that you all used in responding to me this morning. I have been feeling such shame about this and absolutely eviscerating myself everyday about this. The care, concern, and compassion in your responses truly meant the world to me. I will check out the readings you recommended and some of the other strategies as well.
Good luck and keep us updated! We’re rooting for you
late add that I’m sending you hugs and gentle kindness!
I read a good book (oddly I grabbed it in the way to the ER) about self compassion. I hope you can find someone to talk to regularly like a phone therapist or similar.
please keep us up to date, I’m rooting for you too!
I’m here, not-drinking with you tonight.
late add that I’m sending you hugs and gentle kindness!
I read a good book (oddly I grabbed it in the way to the ER) about self compassion. I hope you can find someone to talk to regularly like a phone therapist or similar.
please keep us up to date, I’m rooting for you too!
nesting fail but comment was to Wine poster.
For anyone who remembers my meet-cute with the guy at Starbucks who happened to be a speaker at the conference we were both at and we hit it off and he later asked me out (I think it’s posted on the 11/29 PM thread)…date is happening tomorrow (Saturday) night! I feel very unprepared as I have been single for years with only a few (bad) first dates sprinkled in. But I’ve picked out my outfit – all black (very me) with gold accessories and very cute heeled boots. Feeling a little fluffier than I’d like to but that’s okay. Wish me luck!
This sounds like a movie! Have the best time!
Good luck and have fun! Feel free to update us after if you like :)
I kinda demand an update! Hope it goes well and you kick off a controversial wedding thread here ;)
Speaking of updates, there was another potential love interest met through work that we heard about here…the OP went to another city for a conference and met up with someone she had already liked. He went out of his way for her the whole visit, and he later emailed saying it had been “fantastic” to see her. Other OP, I’m also interested to hear if you have an update!
Yes I want to hear this update!!
Yay! Have fun! Keep us posted.
I’m very invested in this story! Have fun and update us Monday
As someone who has been with DH for 10 years and is very happy, your message made me miss those early days with the excitement and the flutters. Familiarity has benefits too, no doubt. But that feeling you have right now is such a high. I hope your date is as fun as you hope it will be!!
suggest a fluffier than usual date night, sunshine. I’m planning one now too!
ripstop tights and stockings – do they work? any recommendations?
I’m thinking of getting a Nordstrom credit card and trying to consolidate my shopping there as much as possible. Are there times of the year when there are better new cardholder promos? Any other tips to maximize benefits? I think my spending will be less than $1000 a year.
you’ll get base benefits at that level same as without a card, you can get 4 double points days abs a ton of benefits just from being nordy club (silly name). not worth likely hit to your credit report unless you’re in one 5 or 10k tier.
Any opinions on either Talbots or Nordstrom cashmere? I was given a Visa giftcard that would allow me to buy either https://www.talbots.com/cashmere-turtleneck-sweater/P224121625.html?dwvar_P224121625_color=RED%20POP&dwvar_P224121625_sizeType=MS#q=cashmere&lang=default&start=1
or https://www.nordstrom.com/s/nordstrom-cashmere-turtleneck-sweater/5872418?origin=coordinating-5872418-0-2-PDP_1-recbot-also_viewed_graph&recs_placement=PDP_1&recs_strategy=also_viewed_graph&recs_source=recbot&recs_page_type=product&recs_seed=5945542&color=BROWN%20TAUPE (except in red).
Or is there something else I should look at.
I love my Land’s End cashmere, just to give you a third option! It’s the nicest cashmere in my closet. I got one of the donegal tweed colors this fall.
Quince has $50 lovely Mongolian cashmere sweaters! Love love their silk line too
Travel Recommendations Please
Looking for travel recommendations for a week in January from West coast with a 7 year old. I would like to go someplace warm. My husband specifically noped Hawaii which baffles me but he really hates the overpriced food there. I will be 6 months pregnant which means we are not considering Costa Rica. I am open to FL, Mexico and the like but completely lost in trying to figure out specifics. I’d like to keep the flight at a max of 6 hours. Are there vacations you’ve been on and would recommend that are warm, relatively kid-friendly, and have decent healthcare access just in case?
San Diego? Very kid-friendly and nice and warm.
It’s kid friendly but you can’t count on it being warm in January.
I mean Hawaii is actually the answer. I’d have your husband just accept the higher food cost as the price of travel to somewhere warm while you’re pregnant. From the west coast there really isn’t another option with good healthcare and San Diego is freezing in January.
+1. San Diego is not warm in January.
Agree that Hawaii is the obvious answer, and that southern CA can be cold in January. If you can’t convince your husband re Hawaii, what about Cabo? All my LA friends love it for an easy trip.
+1 to Cabo although I don’t know how it would be with kids.
Unconventional, but there were several Januarys in a row that I took my kids to Fort Lauderdale while they were on semester break. We had some good friends who had moved down there and we visited with them. The average temps were in the high/mid 70s and that felt warm to us (we’re in the DMV). The kids were brave enough to swim in an outdoor heated pool and to wade in the ocean. We did a really tacky Everglades tour one year, an a kid-based science museum one year. There was an old fashioned diner with excelllent milkshakes in Hollywood, FL. Not sure if there’s enough to keep a 7 year old occupied for a week, we spent a lot of time with our friends, and my kiddos were both pretty decent about keeping themselves entertained when we weren’t out doing things, plus they adore our friends, who were like adopted grands.
I love a tacky Everglades tour. The only part of visiting Florida I thought was great. (I’m a Californian so have no use for Florida, weather-wise.)
I would gladly fly to Mexican Yucatan [Tulum, Isla Mujeres, Laguna Bacalar, Puerto Vallarta] any day. Food is great, weather is perfect this time of year, private healthcare is dependable and you are just a short flight away from home.
If FL, the west coast will be significantly calmer and warmer than the east coast (dicey in Jan), but many beachfront options in SW Florida are closed bc of Ian this year.
Travel Recommendations Please
Thanks everyone! Tell me more about Mexican Yucatan? We’ve been to Puerto Vallarta and loved it, and would be happy to do that again but I’m always hungry for new places to explore. Any more specific recommendations in the other areas mentioned (Tulum, Isla Mujeres, Laguna Bacalar)?
Y’all, check out a comment on the subreddit /r/blogsnark on the “off topic” page. It’s about tuna and certain, um, parts, smelling weird. Really sounds like a certain someone who used to post here.
Style red boots?
Who can help me style these red boots? I love red shoes, and am looking for styling tips.
I LOVE these!! I would wear them with slightly cropped dark wash baby bootcuts, a very preppy jacket and a giant scarf that has red in it.
Don’t forget your golden lasso and your invisible plane.
Style red boots?
Ha! Maybe that’s why I like them so much. I’ll channel Wonder Woman whenever I wear them.
Neutral color sweater dress with black tights or leggings.
Black faux leather leggings and oversized sweater
Baby bootcut jeans and a sparkly top with red earrings
White wide leg high waisted jeans and a neutral crop sweater
Black wide leg high waisted cords and black crop sweater