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Updated: Oct 19, 2021 240 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Houndstooth Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | ·

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This houndstooth dress from White House Black Market has so many of my favorite elements — a classic black-and-white color scheme, figure-flattering details, and it’s machine-washable! (Do note that it’s fully lined, so I’d probably do it on the gentle cycle to avoid getting the lining all twisted up.)

I would wear this dress with a black blazer for a day where you want to look formal, but not full-suit formal. For a more dressed-down look, I would wear it with a black turtleneck, black tights, and black booties.

The dress is $160 at WHBM and comes in sizes 4–18 (as 00–2 are sold out).

Two options that are more affordable are this dress from Allegra K (lucky sizes; $26.99–$28.99) and this Jessica London dress (12–28; $38.70–$51.33).

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Sales of note for 9.16.24

Sales of note for 9.16.24

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Not a fit

    Recruiter reached out on LinkedIn. I am not looking for a job but agreed to a chat to hear more and agreed that recruiter could share link to my LinkedIn profile with hiring manager. Recruiter couldn’t answer questions about role but sent description after our call. After reviewing, I am not interested in the role. Now they are sending dates/times for WebEx interview with hiring manager. What is your best script to kindly decline?

    • Anon

      Thank you for reaching out, taking the time to speak, and sending the job description. Upon review of the specifics of the role, I do not think it is a good fit for my skills and long-term goals. (Maybe something about reach out in the future, etc.)

    • anon

      “Upon review of the job description provided I’ve determined this role isn’t a fit for me. For that reason, I’d like to cancel the planned interview with the hiring manager. I appreciate your thinking of me.”

      And, if you wanted to clarify what you are looking for add a line or two about that and ask her to keep you in mind for future roles, if that’s what you want.

    • anon

      Thank you for your time. After reviewing the job description, I am not interested in moving forward in the process for this position, but please keep me in mind for XYZ.

    • Pompom

      Everything said above, and if you really want to seal a good relationship with this recruiter for future opportunities, let them know you may have folks in your network you think could be a good fit (if that’s true AND you are comfortable sharing). Recruiters live for leads. They’ll appreciate it and remember you for it.

  2. Anonymous

    I need some help with an anniversary gift for my boyfriend (he’s 50, we’re in NYC). Could spend up to $200. He likes poker, baseball, fine art, music/jazz, racing his sportscar. Not a foodie/drinker.

    His interests seem like great gift avenues, but he buys himself the things he wants, and I don’t know enough about any of them to have a clever gift idea he wouldn’t already have. They’re also not things we share in our relationship, with the exception of music. Like, a new pair of driving gloves doesn’t scream happy anniversary to me, and he’d probably prefer to pick his own based on style and function that I’m clueless about.

    He likes stuff, but I’m also open to an experience gift because I’m having difficulty thinking of something good. He’s a really thoughtful gift giver, so I’m feeling some pressure. Thanks for any help!

    • cold brew

      What about an experience gift to one of the hobbies you mentioned… like tickets to a jazz show or meet the artist event at a nice gallery? Or a record or poster signed by a favorite artist?

    • Anonymous

      Does he race his car on a track? Can you buy him some track time? Would he be interested in one of those racing experiences (for other cars that he doesn’t own)?

      Alternatively, can you purchase him a small piece of art by a local artist you think he’d like?

      What does he get you?

      • Anonymous

        He does race his car on a track and I could buy some track time.

        He gets me things that I’ve mentioned wanting or that he sees I could use a fancier version of that he subtly noticed months before the gift event. Thoughtful handmade elevated versions of things. But I am easy to buy for because I’m kind of cheap with myself.

        I worry about buying him art because he’s kind of out of wall space already and don’t want to obligate him to display something I got him that he doesn’t love.

    • Anonymous

      I live thousands of miles away, but a friend got her husband a driving experience on a racetrack (going hundreds of miles an hour) and he absolutely raves about it to this day. He picked the date, I think it was two sessions of an hour each (safety then actual letting him loose).

      If he has a particular shop he frequents, they might have a record of the brands he usually buys and be able to tell you about the latest “gadget” in that brand.

      • Anonymous

        Does he have a friend he shares any of those interest with you could ask? I’ve done that successfully several times and it’s always got a specific gift I wouldn’t know about but that has been loved.

      • Cat

        +1

        Granted we are more “experience” people than “stuff” but we use birthdays and anniversaries as an excuse to splurge on a nice restaurant, tickets to a show (in which case we talk about it beforehand and decide together on the date and seats), weekend away (obviously planned together), etc.

    • Allie

      I don’t think “thing” gifts are great for apartment living anyway. In terms of experience, what about an art museum date or a date going to a baseball game? Would he like to have his birthday acknowledged on the scoreboard if you go to a game? Could you arrange that? What about a day trip to Dia Beacon?

      • Anonymous

        Specifically, the Wynton Marsalis birthday celebration at Jazz at Lincoln Center in mid-November sounds fun. Wynton is an incredible storyteller and the surprise guests could be exciting. If you want to go later in the season, the Appel Room is an incredibly beautiful space with huge windows overlooking Columbus Circle. But the first performances there appear to be in early 2022.

    • Trixie

      I love looking at vintage/antique oil paintings on Eb@y, Et5y, and F8 marketplace. There are wonderful finds, and so affordable for real art. You might find something with cars, a racetrack, etc. that he would love. This would be unique and special.

  4. Anon

    Any design gurus want to tackle my portico problem?

    Disagreement: Husband wants to build what is basically a mudroom around the front door. He wants a closed, walled-in portico with a bench to remove shoes, store stuff, etc. I think that’s insane. Why would we put a room for dirty old boots on the front of our open airy house, blocking light and making a dark little hovel that I know Captain Packrat will turn into a mess? (Yes I’m having trouble being impartial.) I just want a high roof with pillars, to protect the door and give enough coverage that the stoop will stay clean and dry in the winter.

    I’ve tried suggesting compromise, like making a mudroom off the back of the garage, since getting all grimy and then walking through the front door makes no sense anyway. He won’t budge. I am going insane.

    • anon

      Every time I look at houses (Zillow is my hobby), I get sad when I see a front porch, or similar space, that was closed in and turned into a room. I’d expand the portico a bit so that you can have some outdoor seating (I fully admit I”m a sucker for porches), and then do the mudroom elsewhere. You get usable space, it stays light and airy, and you can still sit on the outdoor seating to put on/take off shoes, etc.

      • Anonymous

        Agree there is nothing sadder than an enclosed porch turned mudroom in the front of a house. I strongly dislike enclosing porches period. I know we design nerds tend to mock the two story McMansion “lawyer foyer” but receiving visitors through a crowded mud room sounds terrible.

        • Anonymous

          This is where the vestibule of Victorian times shines. I have a place for boots, coats etc and then guests enter to the grand staircase.

    • Anon

      I firmly believe that there should be space for stuff/shoes/jackets/etc where people most often enter the home, to avoid having that stuff all over the place. How and where you design that space is flexible.

      In the inside of my home, I have the IKEA Hemnes media unit as a bench, with two Hemnes bookshelves on either side. Hooks for jackets and coats in the space above the bench. Shoes go in the media unit and the bottom shelves, stuff like keys, masks, wallets, and other things go on the upper shelves. The middle shelves have decor. I clean up the area once a month or so.

      • Anon

        OP here: firmly agree. We only open the front doors to retrieve packages, we always come in through the garage. The left-most front door has literally been opened less than five times since we moved in, to bring in or remove furniture that wouldn’t fit any other way. I need to get him on board somehow.

    • Anonymous

      “DH, I agree with you that we could benefit from a mudroom, but we disagree on location. Let me show you what I have in mind for the garage location and why I think it’s better for the family AND for our resale value. Then we could compromise – you get your mudroom and I get top dibs on location. Agree?”

      Do not, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, let him turn your beautiful airy house facade into a packrat den…lol.

    • Anon

      There’s a reason most mud rooms are off of side doors / garage entrances. They’re useful, practical, but not aesthetically pleasing and difficult to keep neat and clean. I would definitely not want any guest walking through my front door to have to walk through my mud room. To me, the mud room is the equivalent of a playroom, where there’s a very good reason to have it, but you want to be able to close the door and have the chaos hidden from sight.

      Depending on how the house is designed and if there are more formal spaces, I would get a realtor would say not to but a mud room in the front. Our front door spills into a foyer, formal living room, formal dining room – it’s the opposite of where you’d want to add a casual / practical mud room

    • Anon

      You find another part of the house for Captain Packrat to pack his rats. Expand the portico so that it’s light and airy and has room for a bench and a place to discard shoes, and build out storage for “stuff” in another part of the house.

    • Anonymous

      Do/will you have kids? If so, make the mudroom.

      If not, then I am on your side. But if kids are in the mix, their cr@p will be all over your portico whether it has walls or screens.

        • Anon

          OMFG and you have a garage — the garage is for the crap! Bar the doors and keep the crap in the garage.

    • anon

      If you have a garage option, that seems obvious to me. In my cold and snowy area, lots of house don’t have side/garage entrances, nor real “foyers”, and have chosen to turn a front porch into an enclosed mudroom. While not beautiful, it is practical. You have a better option though!!

      • Anonymous

        This. Cold and snowy area. Elementary aged kids. We enter through the front door and kids hang coats and leave boots inside front porch. Adults put our stuff in front hall closet. There would be snow and mud all over my front hall without the mudroom because two 7 year old boys.

        If you are childfree and not primarily entering through the front door, I see ZERO reason to have a mudroom there. If he’s worried about package security – can you figure out some kind of deck box lockbox situation outside.

    • Anon

      I would ask him to start practicing using the front door as an entrance if he wants the mud room there. He won’t do it.

    • Anon

      Lol an Arctic entry is basically a requirement where I live. But I’m with you if it’s going to block a bunch of light and not generally fit with your home.

    • Anonymous

      Some kind of entryway is KEY. Doesn’t have to be a closed off mud room, but when we lived in a house with a front door opening directly into the living room (next to a fireplace on one side and large doorway on the other), the lack of entryway was the NUMBER ONE most aggravating thing about the entire house. There was nowhere to drop shoes, jacket, etc. (we don’t wear shoes inside).

  5. A.

    Family-friendly places to stay in Puerto Rico for five nights? There’s five of us (me, spouse, kids ages 6, 9, and 12) and I’d prefer a hotel over an AirBNB. Kids’ club is not important to us — we want a pool, beach access, and good food nearby. Anywhere you recommend in PR is great — we’ve never been. Thanks!

    • Anon

      I would recommend somewhere that’s not San Juan personally, or at least not spending the whole week there. Old San Juan is cute but you don’t need more than a day or two to see it and the beaches around San Juan are really not great. I’ve heard great things about Vieques and Culebra but I haven’t been and they’re islands so it takes more effort to get there. If you want to stay on the main island Luquillo Beach is decent.

  6. anon

    I aspire to own less things, but have everything I own be higher quality, something I absolutely love, will last a long time, and for clothing – something that fits perfectly. However, when it’s time to buy something, I have so much trouble shelling out the $$ for the higher quality options. I grew up middle class, so the pricier versions weren’t even an option, even though we knew paying for quality was important. As an adult, I”m still middle class and I’ve been able to occasionally convince myself to buy something nicer, but mostly I’m still in my Old Navy/TJ Maxx rut (and there will always be a place in my wardrobe for TJ Maxx!). I have a hard time pulling the trigger on the nicer items, even if I like them better because it’s hard for me to justify the cost. There is one really nice consignment shop near me where I will get nicer pieces in my price range, but obviously that is hit or miss.

    • Anon

      You run the numbers. Go through all the stuff in your closet and figure out how much you spent on it. You then figure out what items you would like to buy and how many of them you need. Look online and see what you can get on sale at the nicer places. See how Wardrobe B compares to Wardrobe A and then stop shopping at ON because it’s such a good deal.

      You also understand that there’s very little point in buying long-lasting, quality clothes for kids. They grow too fast for it to matter and even when their growth slows down, parents aren’t keen on taking their teenager daughter’s word on how much she’s going to love that $150 dress for ever and ever. Therefore, understand that the decisions your parents made re: your clothing growing up are not the same ones you should be making now.

      • anon

        Totally get why my parents didn’t buy us high quality clothes as growing kids – it’s more that to this day, they still do this for themselves too. Like, my mom is so frugal, she thinks ON is pricey. So, it’s weird for me to wrap my head around things that are actually pricey.

        • Anon

          Is any of this a product of different professional lives or geographic regions?

    • January

      I think the flaw in this theory (the buy investment pieces theory, that is) is that clothes do wear out, fashions change, and bodies change. I’m not sure whether you’re looking for permission to buy the higher-priced thing or to keep buying more moderately-priced things, but permission granted, either way. :)

      • Anon

        I was a static size for decades and bought higher quality. Now, I’m in the post-baby peri-menopause shape-shifting phase of life and only buying mall brands on sale. It’s generally quality enough now that work is much more casual. But I’m not shelling out $ on anything that’s not a caftan. After all these years, it looks like Mrs. Roper from Three’s Company had it right all along. Now I just need a hair turban . . .

        I want better/less, but I the shape-shifting needs to stop first.

      • anon

        That’s a good point – I’m somewhat into fashion, so I do like my things to be current. And, I have many, many pieces from ON, TJ Maxx, etc that have lasted 5+ years. And, I’m not buying anything nice for myself right now as I’m working to lose my Covid 20lb weight gain. I think it’s more that I have this aspirational vision of what I’d like my life to look like and that vision includes clothing from brands I covet but can’t get myself to buy.

      • Cat

        +1

        My strategy on this — pieces like cotton tshirts are going to wear out, so don’t spend $$$ on that. Also, don’t spend $$$ on pieces that are trendy (think off the shoulder or cold shoulder sweaters) or fit SO precisely that 5 pounds means they don’t work.

        I find I get the biggest impact from sweaters, where the higher-quality wool or cashmere feels amazing and looks rich and luxe in person.

        • Anon

          Yes this, I spend money on sweaters, jeans, suits, jackets, and shoes. All of these things tend to last 5+ years in my wardrobe. Even for jeans — I’m generally not at the cutting edge of fashion, so around the time that my oldest pairs start to wear out is when I start thinking it’s time for a new silhouette.

      • Anon

        Yes, this. It’s hard to justify more expensive clothing when it might not fit in half a year.

      • Anonymous

        Agree somewhat. I have leaned hard into the “few, better” philosophy and have learned that to some extent I’m just harder on my clothes when I’m forced to wear them more often. There’s also a bit of diminishing returns on say, how much joy/better wear I get out of expensive things. My golden goose sneakers are a stupid price but make me so, so, happy. A three hundred dollar button down blouse or designer denim just isn’t worth it to me. Long story short- I’m throwing in a few “disposable” pieces from old navy every season so that I don’t totally wear out my beautiful stuff after a few months. I love capsule wardrobes and aspire to have every piece be a high quality favorite but it doesn’t always work that way.

    • Anonymous

      I came to a point in my life where I just…don’t want to own bad quality stuff. I would rather go without than have something sub par. It does mean that searching for items takes longer, but everything I own is perfect and life is a lot more enjoyable not having to deal with things I don’t like.

      • Anon

        This is me. I’ve found that I need a lot less when I really love everything that I own. I’ve also found that I could get away with wearing mediocre stuff when I was 25; now that I’m 40, there is a lot less room for error.

      • Anon

        +1

        I popped into a Banana Republic Outlet and ended up buying a light cotton sweatshirt for $8 that I adore. So not everything has to be expensive to be perfect — but it really does need to be perfect before I spend the money!

        • Senior Attorney

          I agree with this. Angie over at You Look Fab always says “leave no retail stone unturned” and I think she’s on to something there (although I do stay away from the worst of the fast fashion mills like H&M and Zara).

          OP, maybe a place to start would be to pull the trigger on the $$$ things you absolutely love, while retaining the option to also buy $ pieces if you love them, too.

          Fun fact: Several years ago I spent $400 on a pair of DVF trousers, which almost made me faint. But they are PERFECT and the cost per wear is down to almost nothing at this point and I’m happy every time I put them on.

          • Senior Attorney

            But also? One of my favorite blazers ever was from Target and I wore it happily until it fell apart years later.

      • Anon

        Same. I’ve been wearing threadbare stuff during WFH because I simply can’t find replacements I’m satisfied with, and I refuse to buy junk.

        (I’ve also recently become aware that my water filter is insufficient, and I also need a water softener. So I’m not insane, and my clothes do in fact wear out much more quickly than average.)

    • Anonymous

      My solution is to sale-stalk pieces from better brands. It’s amazing how over time many pieces I want drop in price to something only slightly higher than the cheap stuff. I use ShopStyle to track the sales.

      • Carla

        This is my strategy too. I buy almost everything on sale, and have found the sale section at Banana Republic factory to be a great fit for my price point + needsl I’ll check out ShopStyle!

      • anne-on

        This is my strategy. I know my size in the brands I love and will stalk them until they go on super sale OR I’ll ID the general ‘thing’ I want – type of item, ideal color, etc. and then filter the sale section when Neiman Marcus/Bloomingdales/Saks etc. do the 20% off sale promos. This is more for ‘I need a khaki trench’ or ‘could use a new pair of black loafers’ where I know I want and will use something classic and well made. I own both Old Navy and Burberry coats, use both for different purposes, and think it helps when you know what will be your ‘fun’ items that you’re ok having for a season or two and not paying $$ for and what you anticipate having for years or decades (dressy cloth coats, snow boots, classic black sheath, etc.).

    • Anon

      I think there’s a flaw in “fewer and better” in that even high priced items aren’t a guarantee of better quality. The way I achieve this is ruthless selection – a lower priced item only gets to live in my wardrobe if it’s exactly what I want, and same with a higher priced one. No compromise pieces. That’s been a great culling strategy for me. I also accept that I’m going to need different cuts of jeans and pants pretty often, so I spend mid-range there and double up when the cut is right.

    • A

      I grew up middle class in a developing country and loved the lovely things. It took me 6 years to buy something nice for myself, I got an epi bag from LV. That was 15 years ago and the bag is going strong.
      Quality is worth it. But not all posh Stuff is quality….

    • In-House in Houston

      Also don’t forget Poshmark for higher-end brands as well as the staples like Ann Taylor, BR, ON, etc. If you know your size in these brands, the risk is minimal. If anyone needs a reference code for Poshmark, feel free to use mine (merrpg). You get $5 off your first purchase and so do I! TIA!

    • Allie

      Buy nice brands from Threadup for mall brand prices. It’s more sustainable anyway.

      • Anony

        Yup, this is what I do. I rarely buy anything that isn’t secondhand from TU these days… the selection is so giant, it’s rare I can’t find something that I’m looking for. I am currently wearing a Lululemon hoodie, Pilcro jeans, and New Balance sneakers all from TU – total cost was like $50. You just can’t beat the prices and the sales.

    • Anonymous

      I really prefer high quality work clothes. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to shed my Covid weight gain so some of my key pieces (dresses, skirts and pants) don’t fit. I have found that second hand has been really helpful and I especially like the mm lafleur second act shop – I’ve gotten about 4-5 items through them and it’s been a great way to get my wardrobe back where it needs to be now that I’m in the office and meeting with people in person again.

    • Anonymous

      I think you put the finger on the problem yourself when you pointed out in one of the replies that this idea of higher quality is aspirational.

      It’s a good idea to separate which of the items you want that are just aspirational – fantasy self items – and which items where you are just having a hard time with the price.

      It’s a good thing that you can’t make yourself buy the fantasy self things. You don’t need those.

      Maybe keep looking at TJ Maxx, consignment shops, sales, goodwill and other “lucky draw” places, and indulge the part of you that wants a perceived bargain. And think about what quality means for you. Is it nicer fabrics? Better working conditions for the people making the clothes, less environmental impact, handmade, better fitting, more versatile, or maybe a uniform of sorts? Whatever quality element you want, focus on that rather than what other people perceive as quality.

      And maybe practice wearing a more limited wardrobe. Make a capsule from some of the clothes you already have, and wear just these few items for a few weeks. How do you feel? Do you enjoy the limitation, or do you get a little anxious or down by less to choose from? If you like it, think about how your items should be better for this selection to work for a longer period of time.

  7. Anon

    Is anyone willing to share some anecdotes about how your gardening life has changed over various periods of your life? Over the past 5 years, I’ve done 3 rounds of ivf, had two miscarriages, delivered two babies, and done a year of breastfeeding each of them. My husband pushed hard for a third baby, I would have stopped at 2. I’m now 20 weeks, and am well out of what was a rough first trimester, but I still have very little interest and am still so tired.

    Before this pregnancy we were probably averaging about once a week, which I thought was pretty good! Now it’s probably once a month. Is that so wildly out of line with what’s normal? He’s pretty clearly not happy about it, and I’m a little resentful that I’m dealing with the brunt of the physical changes of a third baby that he really pushed for and this pressure on top

      • Anon

        Glad someone else said it. In any healthy marriage, husbands will share some of the burden of pregnancy. OBVIOUSLY, they cannot do the brutally hard physical part of growing the baby; however, they will cook meals, do more of the childcare if this isn’t the first, rub feet, clean the house, and not give her grief if their gardening life takes a hit. This is especially true when he’s the one who pushed for the third baby.

    • anon

      Once a month at 20 weeks? With two other kids? You are a super star and the only words out of your husband’s mouth should be “Thank you; that was amazing!”

      We have 2 kids, I am not pregnant, and finding a time when the kids are out of the way (read: asleep) and we are awake / have energy is a huge challenge. I’m a morning gardener and he’s an evening gardener so at any given moment one of us is not totally into it.

      • KW

        Totally agree. We have 2 kids and 1 is a night owl and the other gets up early. I like to go to bed early and DH stays up late. Finding time when both kids are asleep and both parents are awake is TOUGH. Have you talked to your husband about how you feel?

        • anon

          We have talked about it and while both of us miss the way things were, we accept that we are at the time of life/marriage when you just muddle through a lot of stuff while making sure the kids don’t accidentally maim themselves for life.

          You?

    • Anonymous

      I mean maybe I’m just an awful person but because of attitude I wouldn’t even be gardening even once a month from now until whenever after birth gardening is allowed/you feel up to it. Like it wouldn’t even be a discussion. Dude is upset that he isn’t getting any while you’re growing and birthing his babies? Maybe he should learn how to take care of himself – or not and just be frustrated – but it’s not your problem IMO.

      • anon

        Nah. This is where I fall too. He pushed for a third baby which is not going to affect his body at all, you have two kids already which I am guessing you carry the most responsibility for, and he wants more sex? Oh hell no.

    • Anonymous

      I’m 44, husband is 52, and we’ve been more like once a month for most of our 14 year relationship. But my drive is higher than his; I’m the one who would like it a little more.

    • A

      Your husband is a jerk. I was exhausted just reading about what you’ve been through the last five years.

    • A

      For what it’s worth, I had zero sex drive when pregnant. And husband didn’t once complain.

    • No Face

      Man, your body has been put through the ringer! Plus, I assume that you had pandemic burnout at some point too. What a tough time. Honestly, he should be thrilled with once a month. He should be offering you many footrubs and backrubs.

      To be blunt, when I am in the baby corridor (pregnancy, birth, postpartum), I do a lot of quick HJs. It helps get us through that time period, before we get back to normal.

    • Anon

      Agree with the others. I have a friend who had a firm no gardening policy while she was pregnant with each of her 3 kids so your husband should be thankful he is getting any at all. Hang in there and don’t put more pressure on yourself – you already have enough to do.

    • Anan

      I wanted to put out there that there is no “normal” when it comes to gardening. Everyone’s body/life/partner situation is different.
      I think there are some great perspectives here, and the last thing you need is to be gardening more (or even feel like you should be gardening more) when you really don’t feel up to it.

    • Anonymous

      There is no “normal” and any partner who pressures you for sex when you’re not interested/exhausted/said no is a jerk. You have the right to say no at any time for any reason and your partner should respect that. The only thing that should be “normalized” is “enthusiastic consent, no exceptions.” It makes gardening much more fun when it does happen, too – I would wager a guess that most here have a much better time when both partners are totally into it.

    • anon

      I was not into gardening while pregnant. Seriously, it was a handful of times during both of the pregnancies that went full-term. I was flat-out exhausted and not into it at all. DH was OK with that because a) he knew it was temporary; and b) hello, I was pregnant with his children. We made up for it by being physically affectionate in other ways. Your DH is being a total jerk, imo.

    • Anon

      We’ve been about 1-2 times a week for our entire marriage including pregnancy (I was extra into it during pregnancy – the effect the hormones had on me.) I offer this up just since you’re collecting averages. But no one should be having s3x they don’t want to have, especially a pregnant woman. Husband presumably has two hands, he needs to learn to use them.

    • Anon

      I’m exhausted just reading what you’ve been though!! Gardening needs to be strictly on your terms at this time, and postpartum!

      Also, I suspect he is under less stress than you if he has time to complain about gardening. Put him to work!

    • Anonymous

      All sorts of things are normal, even without all the extra stuff. If you want to find some sort of middle ground, focus on gardening as intimacy rather than p in whatever orifice?Table the p-in-wherever for now, but think about how you actually might enjoy being close? Kissing while he masturbates? Oral by him? Holding hands while watching TV? Whatever might be intimate, but not him basically asking you to imitate a fleshlight.

  8. dogs

    fun project–Link me to the prettiest, relatively budget friendly wall art you’ve seen! Looking for some interesting pieces for an office wall.

    • anon

      If you are looking to fill large walls, pick your favorite photo of a galaxy dar away from the Hubble space telescope, and get it printed on canvas for $200. The photos are high enough resolution that you can blow them up on 4 or 5ft frames no problem.

    • Anonymous

      I ordered a digital print from Juniper Print Shop for $20 and paid $90 for it to be printed on canvas at Costco. Definitely not a high end look but it worked for the purpose.

      • Anonymous

        I was actually quite disappointed with the piece we bought from Soceity6. The design was exactly as expected, but the quality of the print and the frame were terrible.

    • Anon

      I like CrystalCoastArt on Etsy for Dutch pour paintings, if you’re into that style. I have one on my office wall and I love it.

    • Anonymous

      scrapscollage.com

      Amazing, totally unique pieces, all large format. You can print on canvas or buy an original. I have one in my office and it gets a ton of love.

  9. Anonymous

    Second fun project – if anyone’s seen any light blue short drapes (for a window over a counter in a laundry room with teal and blue) please link them! Thinking ice blue.

  10. anon

    NYC question – where would be a /really/ good sports bar for watching Thursday night football? Partner and I are visiting NYC in a few weeks and he wants to catch a specific game in a good atmosphere. We want sound on, patron engagement, solid beer and food selection, and a casual/quaint/been there forever vibe. Bonus points if it is in a fun area of the city we can meander around in advance. Pretty location agnostic, but we are staying near Washington Square Park.

    There must be a gajillion places like this, but it is hard to get a bar’s vibe from online searches, and I don’t want to be figuring this out last minute as the game is about to begin.

    • Pep

      Google “team bars NYC” and you’ll find several lists of sports bars that cater to specific team clientele. You’ll probably have more fun/engagement if there are other fans of your team there.

    • Monte

      Unless it is the Jets game, you should find the team bars in the city. With two basketball and three hockey teams that will be in action, there is a good chance most bars will not have football sound on.

    • NYCer

      Blue Haven is a popular sports bar in Greenwich Village. I am not sure about the sound situation though.

  11. Anonymous

    Second NYC question, what kind of outerwear should I pack for this weekend? I was thinking a trench in case it rains and a moto jacket, but do you think I may need something warmer? Both of those items fit fairly snug already so I can’t layer much underneath. My next warmest options would be a very casual lightweight puffy coat or a dressier lightweight wool coat.

    • Anonymous

      I would just bring the moto, an umbrella, and a scarf. It’s going to be in the 60s you don’t need a puffer or wool coat.

    • Anon

      Have you checked the weather forecast – I don’t think it’s supposed to rain?

    • Anon

      It is winter in the mornings but warms up by the afternoon. Looks like the high is low 60s this weekend and cloudy on saturday. I’d bring the lightweight puffy coat if you’re walking around a lot. Layers are key right now so I’d avoid anything that can’t handle layers.

      Also, if you’re coming from some place that is warmer, then I’d definitely dress warmer. NYC can feel colder than the temp bc you may not get any direct sunlight depending on where you’re walking.

    • Anonymous

      I would bring the moto jacket and the lightweight wool coat. It’s going to be in the 40s at night this weekend – it’s pretty cold. Not sure what your plans are but if you are planning on eating outdoors you’ll want a warmer coat and the ability to layer.

      • NYCer

        +1. It will be chilly in the morning and at night. I know I would be cold in just a moto jacket in the evening.

    • Anon

      When I travel, unless it’s for work or something, I’m team puffer coat. I find they’re usually actually warm enough but somehow not too hot. I also find my coats get battered in transit and I’d rather demote a puffer when I get home over a nicer coat. I’m from CA so I find the east coast freezing this time of year. All of that is to say I’d take the puffer.

      • Anon

        I agree. I messed around with a beautiful wool coat for about a year of my 75% travel schedule, then finally caved in on a puffer and never looked back. It’s a total no brainer.

        For OP I think you’ll be happy to have your lightweight puffer at night. I’d bring a lighter weight jacket for day and the puffer for night. I always bring a collapsible umbrella, but am usually pleased to use one from the hotel if they’re offering them.

  12. Anon

    Do any of you with sinus problems have polyps? Or “polypoid” sinus disease? I had sinus surgery and then a revision for scar tissue and polyps. And now, the polyps are back and I feel so gunky despite sinus rinsing with a steriod and allergy shots. I feel like I am going to be like one of those old men who needs to sleep in a lazyboy chair (or in 2021, a hammock) to keep the gunk from collecting in my head when horizontal (the cheek sinus pressure and need to blow keep waking me up). If I cut off my head, I would be perfectly healthy.

    Tips? Advice? Does it get better or will I just need to have my nose snaked every other year?

    • Anon

      I had allergic fungal sinusitis which creates incredibly thick mucus and results in polyps when left untreated. 10+ years ago I had major sinus surgery to windows cut in all of my sinuses (cheeks, up behind my eyes, etc) and remove polyps that were starting to form. The surgery was life-changing and I’ve never had a recurrence of the infections/gunk I was suffering from before, though my ear tubes do fill up a bit more now since there’s nowhere for gunk to collect in my other sinuses. Recovery was very painful, I was out of commission for about a week.

      From your post, it doesn’t sound like you’ve had this full surgery – just removal of polyps. I would ask your surgeon about getting windows. When I was a kid my adenoids were removed and my parents opted not to do full “window” surgery because there was risk of blindness at the time, but now the techniques and tools are much more advanced and the risk is lower.

      • Anon

        Sorry — I had the major sinus surgery about 4 years ago. Scar tissue and polyps developed after that and were removed 2 years after that (and now we’ve gone another two years . . .). Recovery is always rough and nasty (nose diaper). OTOH, life is rough and nasty and I need to sleep at night. I took Tylenol this morning b/c my face hurt.

        [Yes, reaching out to the ENT, but I feel like I am stumping the sinus specialist and about to the be case they write JAMA articles about.]

    • Anon

      I’ve never had polyps, but I do have a lot of other nose/respiratory issues and think that constantly having surgery sounds like a very bad idea- if they just keep coming back I’d want to think about other solutions. Have you tried everything you can to reduce irritants (air purifiers, avoiding allergens, scents, nasal rinses, etc.). For me, I actually had to move across the country, but it’s made a HUGE difference. I was like you, practically had to sleep sitting up or I’d be choking on mucus, and now I barely cough, though I still run my air purifier at night, take meds (ipratropium bromide nasal spray has really helped me), avoid any kind of scent, etc. Everyone’s different, so my solutions might not be yours, but my experience with multiple chronic health problems has been that doctors tend to over emphasize mechanical solutions to health problems (polyps, herniated discs, etc.) just because they can see them and operate on them, but they aren’t always the real problem, and doing surgeries can sometimes help, but sometimes just make things worse.

      • Anon

        Where did you move to / from?

        Yes, doing everything (rinsing, allergy shots, not getting a cat b/c I’m allergic). The sinus escalation is a recent (2017?) thing; I’ve always had seasonal allergies that OTC meds were sufficient to treat; have lived in current city for 17 years; current house for 13 years. Did I get hit with the Unlucky Stick? Like nothing changed except my nose plumbing stopped working and declared war on me.

        • Anon

          I moved from North Carolina to coastal California. I’ve lived in a lot of different places and have had respiratory issues my entire life- been prone to getting sick as a kid, always had a stuffy/runny nose, lingering coughs, asthma, etc., but nothing compared to living in North Carolina, so in my case it was pretty clear that I was reacting really badly to something there, though I’m still not sure what (I don’t have pollen allergies- I mostly have nonallergic rhinitis, which means that I just react to stuff air generally and that allergy shots and meds don’t help). Obviously not everyone can pick up and move across the country, but I was pretty desperate and nothing else my doctors were trying was working.

          In your case, I know surgery really does help some people, I’d just be pretty skeptical about having to do it multiple times. I might be willing to do it twice, but after that, it would be pretty hard to convince me to try again. Did it help the first time?

        • Anon

          Late to this, but have you been tested for aspirin-assoicated sinus disease? It sounds like another round with ENT and Allergist to consider root causes driving the disease would be helpful in directing your management.

    • Elegant Giraffe

      no advice, but i empathize with the idea of cutting my head off to feel better.

    • Sarah

      Just here to empathize. I had full sinus surgery in 2008 and they’ve been back for several years, and getting worse. I’m terrible about nasal rinsing, but take antihistamines, use air purifiers, and steroid nose spray daily. Was starting to explore a second surgery before the pandemic, then put it on hold, now I just breathe loudly through my stuffy nose on mute on Zoom or mouth breathe. It’s not good. I’m kind of resigning myself to surgery every 8-10 years, which is not as bad as every 2, so I feel for you. Someone told me that there’s a drug you can take (I remember it was a name I knew from eczema ads on TV, but forget which) instead to treat recurrent polyps. But haven’t fully looked into that. I’d personally almost prefer surgery to yet another medicine that comes with side effects, but might be worth asking about?

  13. Anonymous

    Looking to send food/dinner to good friends that just added twins to their family and bow are a family of six. Does anyone have recommendations for a place that would deliver a big family meal in Sterling, Virginia? They lean toward eating vegetarian, but not strictly so. No other food restrictions. Thank you!

    • AIMS

      No in VA, but I have had success with shipping things via Goldbelly. Bonus is that it’s frozen so they can eat when it’s convenient.

    • anon a mouse

      You could order from Wegmans via instacart – send soups, casseroles, etc. Also a fruit platter.

    • anon

      I don’t know if they deliver all the way in Strerling, but Lebanese Taverna in Arlington would be great for this kind of thing.

  14. Anonymous

    Super proud of myself for going in and getting a physical yesterday for the first time in 5 years! It wasn’t as nerve wracking as I thought because the dr was not alarmist at all. I’m anemic – ugh – so I have to start correcting that but she didn’t act like it was a big huge problem; more like – start taking iron and let’s retest in 3 months and see where you are and we’ll go from there. Also did a bre@$t exam without me having to say anything about it – which was much needed as it had been 7+ years on that as the last dr. 5 years ago just didn’t bother and also was so unapproachable that I wasn’t going to ask.

    So hive – any recommendations on iron that’s “easy” to take stomach wise? I’m open to anything liquid, prenatal etc. She recommended regular supplements you can get at CVS but said if I can’t handle those prenatals are ok too but will take longer to fix the issue bc of lower dosing than straight iron bills. The issue seems to be that hemoglobin got low, I’ve taken iron before (very specific reason last time), but just enough to raise the hemoglobin to the exact low normal – which isn’t enough to get stored iron up. So I need something that I can take a bit longer/more consistently.

    2nd question – if you’re under age 45 do you get mammograms, why/why not? Discussed the guidelines and it appears that it’s no longer “mandatory” until 45 (or even 50 if you want to use the later aged guidelines), but many women start yearly at 40. Some may not go yearly but try to go 1-2x from 40-44 etc. Just curious what this group thinks as I’m sure there are people here who’ve researched it.

    • Anonymous

      For iron, Slow Fe is easy on the stomach.

      Re. mammograms for younger women, Weill Cornell has a web-based tool that walks you through the decision-making process and provides relevant information such as the risk of a false positive.

    • Anon

      Heme iron is a miracle. I take Proferrin Clear. I always had trouble with other formulations causing side effects and not working, so I feel like evangelizing this kind since it’s been so much better for me.

    • anon

      Good for you!!

      I have no issues with the MegaFood Blood Builder that was recommended by my PA. Can get them at Target.

      Started getting mammos at 40. It’s what is recommended (I thought?) and since it’s free, why the heck not?

    • Anon

      Started mammos at 40, with a follow-up ultrasound after my first one to get a really detailed baseline reading. I would have gone even younger if they’d let me; I don’t see a downside to early detection of a disease with a good cure record.

    • Agurk

      I have tried every iron supplement under the sun (including transfusions!) and the only thing that has ever worked is Ancestral Supplements Blood Vitality. It is freeze dried beef blood, which is high iron. Since it is real food it doesn’t hurt my stomach and my body actually absorbs it.

    • Anon

      The data on mammograms for women in their 40s show that the benefits are fairly low- many cancers in this age group are fast growing and either won’t be found on a mammogram or catching them early won’t make a big difference, plus there are many others that are so slow growing they’re unlikely to ever be fatal and finding them early doesn’t matter that much. That said, I’m in my early 40s and started mammograms at 40 because I was having one sided breast pain at that point and it made sense to do a mammogram to make sure there was nothing going on. I’ll probably continue them annually because I have enough family history of breast cancer (a cousin, aunt, grandmother, great aunt, but no links to BRCA mutations) to make me think that I’m slightly more likely than the average person to benefit. I think reasonable people can go either way on this.

    • Monte

      Yes on starting the mammograms at 40, even though I hate them. My reasons are essentially: (1) my PCP and GYN both want me to do them; (2) I have very large, very dense tissue and likely will not feel lumps on my own; and (3) too many loved ones dead by 40 from breast cancer, so it is really for my and my family’s peace of mind to continue. Clearly not research-based, but I am sticking with it.

    • anon

      I think the recommendations changed recently, FWIW. I’m 41, and my doctor recommended a mammogram to serve as a baseline before age 45. She also said that she gets them done every two years (she is 43, so I rely on her “what would you do/what would you tell me if I were your sister” frequently), but she has a history of breast cancer in her family.

    • Anonymous

      For iron, I have struggled with many of them but am currently taking chewable Barimelts with Vitamin C, along with a chewable probiotic. It’s been the easiest on my stomach of all the brands. Highly recommend ramping up slowly.

    • Anonymous

      I just take the regular iron pills and there is no problem. I take them right before I go to bed. Honestly they make me feel SO much better so go get them right now!!

  15. Looking for Closure

    I am now realizing that I will not get answers to a certain matter in my life that has been nagging me for years. I need to give myself closure because the loose ends are simply not going to tie themselves. It’s so hard though. The other person involved in the matter is no longer in my life. That’s actually the easy part. I just can’t stop thinking about it though. I have dreams about it that bring about deep emotions that then carry into my day. How can I bring resolution to something that isn’t going to resolve itself?

    • Anon

      I think some kind of outside therapy sounds like a good start. Sometimes we just get stuck in unhelpful feedback loops that we need to get out of.

    • Senior Attorney

      Yes, therapy. And what you may well find out in therapy is that sometimes there just is no closure and you just have to learn to live with the unresolvedness.

    • Anon

      Maybe this is a failure of imagination, but what kinds of things don’t have closure? I’m having a hard time contextualizing the problem to think of an answer other than therapy. I’m imagining people dying before you had a conversation you needed to have? Is it hat kind of thing? But that seems like there’s closure, it just stinks (stronger word in my mind but probably wouldn’t get posted).

      • Anon

        When I read this, I wondered if “the other woman” finally wised up and left the perpetual cheater.

      • Anon

        So I’m not the OP but my ex-husband announced he wanted a divorce basically out of the blue, and I’ve never gotten the answer as to why – he refused counseling, moved out that night, and we only spoke a handful of times after that, all factual conversations around our divorce. I n never got closure in the sense of any answer to what happened that could help me make sense of it. I just had to wait for the pain to fade.

        • Anon

          Ugh Anon this happened to me too. We went out with friends one Saturday, cooked dinner at home together Sunday, and Monday after work he told me he wanted a divorce and there was nothing else to be done or said. It still messes with my mind when things are fine and I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop.

      • Looking for Closure

        Now estranged family member did an awful thing and was appropriately punished. The unanswered question of why they did the awful thing is what’s not closed for me. Growing up I would have never imagined this person doing what they did.

        • Anon

          Therapy to work on multi-faceted issues here. The first one is simple: some people lack a conscience and actually enjoy inflicting pain on others. They are good at presenting a facade to people who could put a stop to their reign of terror; otherwise, being around them is a hellish experience.

          The second part is a lot harder, which is WHY you couldn’t have imagined this person doing something so awful. Did your family protect this person? How do you feel about being in a family that would protect, say, a child abuser? Do you appreciate the truly unconditional acceptance or do you feel that it is more about pretending to be the perfect family that doesn’t have these problems?

          Yesterday, someone wrote about how her husband cheated on her, and her own mother and best friend were convinced that she must have done something to deserve it. Now that the ex-H cheated on his new wife, they figured out that he is just actually a cheater. Do you feel like there is victim-blaming in your family? Do you feel that someone’s intuition is not respected when they raise the alarm?

          • AFT

            That was me. Just to clarify, my mom and best friend definitely didn’t say I “deserved it.” That would have been horrible. But they kept making excuses for him and saying that he was a good person who had done a bad thing but it was probably a one time thing because it was so completely out of character for him. Basically what a lot of people in that thread were saying about people who cheat, that not all cheating is a character flaw and sometimes good people make a bad decision to cheat because of the circumstances they’re in. They both thought his second marriage would last and were shocked when he cheated on his former affair partner.

        • Anon

          I don’t think you’ll ever get an answer as to why.

          Growing up I would never imagine my sibling would become the person she is today (someone I can’t have in my life) but here we are and all I can do is accept it and not have her in my life. I know that’s different than your situation because there’s not one horrible thing my sibling did, it’s just the entirety of how she has lived her adult life, but like you I cannot figure out how she got from our shared childhood to where she is today. And I’m never going to get that answer, nor are you.

          So the trick is living with it, living in the present and not the past and playing what-if games in your head, and I do think therapy can be extremely helpful with that. Especially if your mind keeps telling you that you could have done something different in order to prevent this outcome – that’s natural but it’s also magical thinking, and a therapist can help you sort that out as well. Best of luck.

          • Anon

            I could have written this. And my problematic sibling is dying, likely has only weeks to live. I thought I had reached my version of closure, but this is seriously messing with my head.

  16. Anon Runner

    Suggestions for the best wicking running bras? My collection of ON / Target athletic underthings are just soggy and gross after a few miles. Any suggestions? What fiber component should I be looking for?

    • Anon B

      I enjoy running in an older wool-blend Icrebreaker bra. It has oddly stayed tight enough to provide decent support for high impact sports… I believe the model is called “Meld Zone.”

    • Anon

      I’ve run for years in Target sports bras (in Florida, in summer) and really like the seamless ones (the old C9 ones wear like iron and are still in the rotation 10 years later). After a few miles here, EVERYTHING is soggy and gross, but they don’t hold water like cotton – it’s more of a general damp. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve shoved ice down the front during a long run. I’m not sure what the current model is, but they’re cheap and worth a go if you haven’t already tried that particular type out and vetoed them.

    • Anon

      So weird that you posted this today. As I was pulling off my comfy wool tee, post-workout, and freezing because of my gross, wet bra, I was thinking that I would ask the hive. You beat me to it.

  17. Anonymous

    If they don’t actually have merchandise in stock, why are retailers clogging the mail and killing trees to send me one million catalogues?

  18. What's Next

    Mid-level (sr. on our short-ish partner track) associate in secondary market in healthcare at a firm ranked for healthcare work. Have fairly hybrid practice, but love doing the deal side of things more than just regulatory work. I am on track and have lucked out with getting to work with the rainmakers and getting great reviews, which has given me a lot of social/work capital (i.e., people mostly leave me alone/to do whatever I want to do and I like that).

    We lost several associates this year and the burn-out from last year has me at a breaking point. I am not excited about my work, resentful about not having a life these days (came to secondary market for the more balanced life), and thinking about growing our family in the next couple of years. The pace I am keeping right now is not helpful for any of these concerns.

    I am definitely a law firm creature. I like the general autonomy of when/how I work and don’t like the idea of working with lots of non-lawyers. This makes my in-house options a lot less appealing. I am tied to the city geographically b/c of SO’s work. I also would actually like a remote role (firm has not been super keen on people working remotely).

    Anyway, I don’t know what I do next. Thinking about sticking around with a known quantity, shooting for partner, and leaving after (lots of folks do this) to a client or something interesting but not firm-related. But also worry I am taking the sunk cost fallacy and running with it and making it worse by throwing more time at my role here.

    I hate the thought of going somewhere else and having to build social capital at a time when I am super burned out and not at my best. But hate the thought that I might go and thrive somewhere else for this next season of my career and I’m missing out because I am scared to leave.

    Appreciate thoughts from the hive!

    • Anon

      Did you come from a bigger shop? Perhaps your old firm would be open to a remote non-partner track arrangement?

      • Anon

        Could you do some networking interviews, ,Ayer with lawyers at your old firm and lawyers who left your current firm or in-house contacts, to better understand their current day to day role where they landed and how you might like it or not?

    • Anon

      So I haven’t been in your exact shoes, but when faced with similar “where do I go from here and will it be better” questions, I really liked the ideas in Designing Your Life or Designing Your Work Life by the Stanford D-School guys. In addition, which I’m sure you’re doing, I found a lot of benefit in talking to a lot of people. I’m sure you want to be cautious about who you share what with, but talking to people in lots of different types of settings (Even people not particularly in a place to help me with my field) helped me clarify my thinking. I wish it were easier to take a break. You might take a month or two off and get past your burnout and see that you actually do like where you’re at, but needed a break. I realize that’s not a thing without quitting your job for a lot of people and that’s really unfortunate.

    • anon

      Can you identify how much of your unhappiness is related to being short-staffed? Because lots of companies are short staffed right now, so going in-house isn’t a fix to burnout from staffing issues. It’s an endemic problem right now and unless your firm isn’t hiring or isn’t offering enough to attract qualified candidates, I don’t think moving will solve anything. Also, I don’t know anyone who is thriving right now. My intuition is that you are at an unhappy point in time in an otherwise good situation that will improve once the economy stabilizes.

    • Betsy

      Yeah, this is where I feel like employers need to be figuring out how to give their employees an actual break after this last year. It doesn’t really sound like you want a new job, it sounds like you want an actual month off from your job so that you could come back and not be burned out anymore. I feel like at a certain point the level of turnover is so high that firms would have been better off giving all their staff month long sabbaticals so they could resolve that burnout and would stay!

      But since that isn’t happening, I would suggest taking at least a month off between jobs. I think you’ll find that the burnout resolves a lot faster than you expect it to, and it won’t be as hard to build up social capital at the new job as it feels right now.

  19. Anonymous

    Can anyone recommend a provider to work with for egg/embryo freezing in the NYC area?

    • Anonymous

      I loved Dr. Serena Chen at IRMS. Their main office is in Livingston NJ but I was able to visit the Jersey City office for everything except the actual retrieval and morning monitoring visits on weekends.

    • Anon

      Previously used RMA NY (Dr Copperman) for 3 IUIs, 2 rounds IVF, 3 FETs = 1 baby delivered. We decided to switch to RMA NJ (not affiliated with RMA NY) for next baby. Just finished 1 IVF and 1 FET (awaiting results). I prefer RMA NJ… but both are good overall and I may be biased as I feel less stressed and experienced and the whole thing this time around. RMA NJ facilities are newer, their SART rates slightly higher and they are more organized overall (they have an app with all your results, instructions, same nurse calls you each time). RMA NJ requires a car to get to if you live in NYC.

  20. KW

    Any recs for a work-ish sheath style or fit and (small) flare dress with sleeves (3/4 or long preferred) in tall sizes or at least about 40″ in length? Under $200 preferred.

  21. Synthroid

    Hive, I know I need to talk to my doctor about this, but I can’t get a time with him for two weeks.

    I’ve been undergoing fertility treatment unsuccessfully for 8 months and my doctor suggested that my thyroid stimulating hormone is on the high end of the normal range. Apparently this doesn’t strictly need to be treated based on professional guidelines (it’s been just under/just over 4 based on two spaced blood draws), but may be part of my unexplained infertility and my doctor expressed there would be no harm in trying me on Snythroid. He started me on the lowest dose a week ago…and I feel…weird (this didn’t begin right away, but after about 4 days of the meds). Everything feels sped up (my thoughts, my heart, my digestion, my movements). During the day it’s not noticeable – nice even, as I was experiencing fatigue and mood issues before. But at night I can’t get to sleep, and I wake up super early (unusual for me). Last night I got 4 hours of sleep, and could feel my heart beating as I laid still trying to drift off.

    Is this normal and part of an adjustment phase? Or is this a sign I don’t really need this medication? Any experiences welcome because I’m not sure if this is a red flag I should be raising to doc’s office.

    • hyper

      Definitely call your doctor today. You may need an adjustment and possibly a blood test. Sounds like you are now hyperthyroid!

    • Agurk

      This happens to me every time I adjust my dosage and it goes away in a few days. But call your doctor, of course. FWIW my reproductive endo wanted my TSH at 2.5 – apparently the threshold is lower when you’re trying to conceive.

      • Anon

        As a long time hypothyroidism patient, I feel strongly that 2.5 is a good threshold when you’re trying to “not suffer,” but that most doctors care more about fertility than women’s suffering!

        I do question whether Synthroid is the only way to achieve this though. I know endocrinologists often really reject the idea that T4 conversion can be improved or even matters, but I know several people who succeeded by seeing functional MDs and never needed thyroid replacement hormones. I have Hashimoto’s, so taking the hormones helps suppress the autoimmune attack for me and is the best approach, but I do get combination therapy so that I can keep my TSH low without exacerbating POTS (and I’m not sure how controversial that is, but my specialists are at a university research hospital, and I’m definitely doing better under their care).

        TL;DR different doctors approach thyroid issues really, really differently, in my experience.

        • Anon

          (I do suspect the ideal range is lower in Hashimoto’s patients than in non-autoimmune patients though.)

          • Agurk

            I do better on a T3/T4 combo too. Also, something to Tirosint (gel cap) was a game changer for me. I wasn’t absorbing Synthroid. Also I think everyone has a personal threshold for where they feel good. For me it’s around 1.0

    • Anon

      I’m not an MD but to me it sounds like you’re now hyperthyroid. I have Graves’ disease (hyperthyroid autoimmune disease) and the symptom that prompted me to go to the doctor was feeling my heart pounding when I lay down at night. My other symptoms were insane hunger, losing a bit of weight despite eating a ton, more energy and going #2 way more than normal, but none of those freaked me out like the heart stuff did. Hyperthyroid is pretty dangerous if left on untreated, so please call your doctor ASAP.

      • Anon

        +1 I have Hashimoto’s and ended up in the ER for heart issues after a medication change that left me over medicated. You don’t need that. Ask for a blood test today.

    • busybee

      I had the same experience. For me it was transient. My TSH is now below 2.5 and I was finally able to have a successful pregnancy after several years of infertility and miscarriages. There’s a lot of medical literature supporting 2.5 as the threshold for TTC.
      I feel fine when my TSH is around 4.5 and will stop Synthroid after I have the baby next week. Will restart when we TTC #2

  22. Musicals?

    Another NYC-adjacent question for the day. Husband and I will be in NYC in early December. I want to see a Broadway musical while we are there. The ones we can both (mostly) agree on are Hadestown, Book of Mormon and Waitress. He would prefer one of the first two. I have read the basics on each and they all sound good. Any recommendations for one over the others?

    • Senior Attorney

      I loved Book of Mormon at the time but I don’t think it really holds up. I haven’t seen Hadestown but everybody I know who has seen it just raves about it. So I’d do the first one.

    • anon

      Waitress is really charming. Agree that I don’t think Book of Mormon has aged as well.

    • Cat

      I saw Book of Mormon within a year or so after it opened and – while funny – even at the time some of the jokes were cringe.

      • Cat

        oh and personally would pick Waitress – loved the movie and have tickets for that one myself!

    • Anonymous

      Hadestown is incredible and moving. Book of Mormon is funny, but a little cringey at the same time – agree with Senior Attorney that it doesn’t totally hold up. Waitress is amazing – have seen it twice and cried both times – and is both funny AND moving, which might be more appealing for husband. (Hadestown is incredible but not funny.)

  23. Anonymous

    Looking to buy a strand of pearls, probably 8mm, 18 inches. Remembered that Pearl Paradise has been positively mentioned before but does anyone else have any other online recommendations? Thanks!

    • Anon

      For your basic strand of pearls, you should go to Pearl Paradise. If you get into pearls and are looking for more unusual pearls and original designs, then Kojima Pearl all the way.

      • OP Anonymous

        Yes, planning basic strand so I will take a closer look at Pearl Paradise. Thank you!

    • Anonymous

      Piggybacking off OP: I’m looking for “Nancy Pelosi” pearls. I think that means large Tahitian pearls? Any suggestions?

        • Anon

          For suggestions, Kojima Pearl or Kamoka Pearl. Going the Mikimoto route may be $100k but you don’t have to go that route. I have near-gumball sized Tahitians that aren’t perfect but no one is going to get close enough to see that, and they were under 10k from Kojima. Just write to Sarah at Kojima if you don’t see what you want on her website.

  24. Anonymous

    I’ve found in recent months I really cannot handle wearing anything tight around my stomach. My weight hasn’t changed dramatically but the jeans and leggings and tights I used to wear all the time drive me crazy lately. I’m pushing 40. Is this a thing that happens with age or peri-menopause? Is this something worth bringing up to my doctor?

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