Do You Have a “Trick” To Making Men Take You Seriously?
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I saw this interesting TikTok on how to make men take you seriously from Katie Tucci (@kaytuc) the other day and thought it might make a good discussion here. (Here's a Buzzfeed article summarizing it.) Obviously sexism at the office is a lot better than it once was, but do you still feel like women need to act in specific ways (or avoid acting in specific ways) in order to be taken seriously by men? What are your best tips on how to make men take you seriously?
She's a new lawyer — and a former paralegal — and has a few rules for how she interacts with men in the workplace, including a firm handshake, only introducing herself by her first and last name, and only speaking in declarative phrases when possible so as not to sound unsure. She also notes that she never smiles, ever. She also tries
to be the one initiating whatever we're doing next, whether it's standing up to move and end the meeting, whether it's shaking hands at the door to say goodbye, and whether it's moving someone from one space to another. I'm the one who starts doing it to get everyone else to follow me.
I thought a lot of it was good advice for how to behave in a business context, although I don't know that I'd be as stringent as she is with the rules.
I did raise my eyebrows at one part, though, at least if her advice is for junior lawyers: she will refuse to deal further with someone who calls her “honey” or “sweetheart.”
There's absolutely nothing wrong with saying, ‘You know, I really don't think you are interested in engaging in this meeting with me in good faith. So I'm going to have to continue to use my time elsewhere.' This is the most important part. You cannot let them get away with that. Do not accept an apology. Do not normalize it. Do not nod your head and smile. I know it's incredibly uncomfortable. I know it's incredibly terrifying. And honestly this took me years to feel comfortable doing. You stand your ground, you look them in the eye, and you say, ‘My name is not sweetheart. I need you to provide me with the contact information of someone who is not you who also works on this case so I can communicate with them.' And then you walk away.
I mean, way to assert yourself! But I can see this being problematic in a case where you're a junior lawyer, whether you're saying this to someone employed by the client, the opposing party, or co-counsel… but I'd love to hear what you guys think.
Readers, what are your thoughts, both on the advice in general, as well as on her advice on what to do if someone calls you sweetheart? (How would you advise someone to deal with that situation?) Do you have any other tips you'd like to add?
Stock photo via Deposit Photos / Krakenimages.com.
I just… go about my business. People listen to me because I have reputation of knowing what I’m talking about, or if I don’t, saying so and following up promptly, rather than trying to BS them into thinking I do.
If some dude who doesn’t know me wants to give me a patronizing look, I just channel that into extra satisfaction from proving him wrong.
Right. My “tip” is doing ALL of my job well, to include communicating. It works for men, too.
I hate that it’s true but talking somewhat quieter, in a deep tone of voice, makes a noticeable difference in my office
I generally just approach conversations with facts and limited qualifiers.
My asks are phrased as like “We need to do X task by Y date. [Name] will handle [action item], [other name] will handle [other action item]. We’ll meet next week to review.”
Instead of, “Sooooo, I think we probably need to try to get this done byyyyyy maybe the end of next week? I feel like someone needs to handle [task] and maybe someone else needs to do [other task]? How long do we think it will take before we can review? Maybe next week?”
If I need a qualifier, I say things like, “In my experience” or “From my perspective” vs. “I think we should” or “Maybe we might want to”. The former is based on my expertise and skills. The latter makes me sound unsure.
This exactly. Verbal filler is counterproductive.
They can take me seriously or suffer the consequences. I am not in a corporate or firm hierarchy where my presentation of my self affects my future though, or I might feel differently.
In my first position after law school which was at a traditional law firm, the fact that I looked about 16, had hair down almost to my derrière and frankly was at that time pretty enough that a lot of people would assume me to be an airhead was gleefully exploited by partners who ran me in on cases from time to time in circumstances where our side being underestimated would provide a good advantage.
God I love your first sentence.
What internalized misogyny / what a victim complex to think that a woman needs to suppress the instinct to smile (to smile!!!!) to be taken seriously.
I didn’t care for this post.
I didn’t either, hence my somewhat raised-eyebrow tone tone.
I’m the person you’re replying to, and in case it isn’t obvious, I didn’t either!
There’s a difference between a genuine instinct to smile and having been trained to fawn.
This article says “ she never smiles, ever.” What a depressing piece of advice to highlight.
I cannot even believe I was reading this nonsense stereotype reinforcing crap.
I’m a bit icked out at the idea of having a “trick” for men to take me seriously. It’s more of habits and strategies.
Habits: dress well, avoid verbal tics, avoid being demure or deferential. Speak authoritatively.
Strategies: understand that most men will respond to this and the ones who don’t aren’t ever going to take me seriously, because of who they are.
Larger picture: play the long game. This stuff can take a while (which is not healthy), but I’m not going to torch myself in the short term. Excel at my work, be relentless about learning, and have zero fear about venturing into male-dominated spaces. Enough men respect excellence that they kind of drag the others along with them.
I definitely use tricks to get people to take me more seriously, but the trucks apply the same to both men and women. And mostly it’s just about being confident and well spoken. I do have one trick though.
Had a rough night/not enough sleep? Wear something just a bit nicer than you normally do. People are always a bit nicer when you’re dressed nicely, and I find people get distracted by the dress and miss the otherwise obvious signs of fatigue. I was very well dressed at work the first year and a half of my child’s life.
This is a useful trick. I do it, too, to trick everyone, not just men. Sometimes I even trick myself 😂
When I was a summer associate, one of the named partners at the mid-size law firm stopped by my office and cheerily said “hey Kitty, how’s your day?”. My name is Katherine and I always go by Katherine, no nicknames. I turned to him and cheerily said “my day is great, Jamie, thanks for asking!”. His name is James and no one calls him Jamie. It got the point across without unnecessary drama. He never called me Kitty again and we worked together just fine. Names changed, just because.
Koa Beck’s White Feminism criticizes white professional women for approaching sexism and misogyny like a video game.
Best advice: Know your organizational culture, read the room, embrace professional norms, and be genuine. If smiling is how you engage with others, keep it up – it demonstrates confidence and can be very disarming in a professional environment.
Well said!
I work in higher ed & in all my decades working there, I don’t remember ever hearing any men calling any females “honey” or “sweetheart” (Thank goodness). I realize in law offices & medical practices and other venues this may differ greatly.
I can honestly say I don’t know that I consciously behave differently with men at work than women. I do know in a group meeting setting, often I wait to say my piece, especially if I do not hear my point of view expressed, but not belabor the point.
Sometimes – even though one may speak the fewest words in a setting, they may have the most impact.
I was once called “Baby, honey” at my office workplace. I looked the person in the eye and said, “Please don’t call me Baby, honey.”