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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Pointelle Cardigan

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A woman wearing an orange cardigan and jeans

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This textured sweater from Ann Taylor is a great piece for when you’re looking for something a little more structured than your average cardigan, but not quite as stuffy as a blazer.

This deep flame orange color really caught my eye because it reminded me of the day lilies that are just starting to come back to life in my garden. It also comes in a lovely lilac color (“radiant amethyst”) and “toasted oat.” 

The sweater is $89.25, marked down from $119, at Ann Taylor and comes in sizes XXS-XXL. 

Sales of note for 4/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – 5,263 new markdowns for women!
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 40% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50%-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 10% off new womenswear styles
  • Brooks Brothers – Friends & Family Sale: 30% off sitewide
  • The Fold – 25% off selected lines
  • Eloquii – $29+ select styles + extra 40% off all sale
  • Everlane – Spring sale, up to 70% off
  • J.Crew – Spring Event: 40% off sitewide + extra 50% off sale styles + 50% swim & coverups
  • J.Crew Factory – 40%-70% off everything + extra 70% off clearance
  • Kule – Lots of sweaters up to 50% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Earth Day Sale: Take 25% off eco-conscious fabrics. Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Madewell – Extra 30% off sale + 50% off sale jeans
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 50% off last chance styles; new favorites added
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 30% off entire purchase w/Talbots card

316 Comments

  1. To those of you with second citizenships based on ancestry did you try and find your parents/grandparents original birth certificates in their homes or order new ones? My family members are obviously quite disorganized and I’m trying to figure out which of the options is likely to be less painful.

    1. For Italy you need date of naturalization if any and birth certificate. We ended up hiring a lawyer who specializes in Italian birth right citizenship. It’s just so much easier. Still it took a few years. Nothing in Italy moves fast.

      1. Not Italy! The country my mom & grandparents are from has pretty simple laws and luckily the embassy is in my city, the process itself will be easy peasy it’s just collecting the documents that will be hard. Everyone I know from the same country said the process takes about 6 months. I already have my documents as well as all the forms filled out.

        1. Were “everyone I know from the same country” able to give you any insight on what the process was like to get a birth certificate replaced — or could the embassy in your city give you some insight on that? It seems like it would be more helpful to get specific information about this country’s processes than to get general stories from people who dealt with other countries.

          1. Unfortunately all my friends have organized parents so they were just given the originals from their parents. No hunting through chaos or replacements necessary

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    2. Can you just post the country to get specific advice? Even if it’s an obscure country and you were talking about it with friends IRL, you’re anon for this post, so who cares if someone recognizes that you read here and posted this specific question?

      1. It’s Malta, but the question isn’t about applying for the citizenship, I got that part down pat, it’s just whether to try and get (find) the original documents from disorganized family members or going around them and ordering new originals.

        1. I feel like there are two types of people here- you either know exactly where your birth certificate is, or you have no earthly clue. Like did their PARENTS stash it somewhere secret and never tell them where it was? Might be faster to go through official channels, lol.

          1. Seriously: if your mother (always the mother) doesn’t have this at the ready, it is hopeless and just get a new one.

          2. Precisely, it took me exactly 2 minutes to collect all MY documents because I knew what file they were in. When I reached out to family I got a lot of ‘I’m not sure, I’ll have to try and find it’

    3. Ordered new copies. There was no way we were gonna find them. Same with marriage certificates, which you will also likely need.

    4. Agree with ordering new ones but with disorganized family members it can often be helpful to ask if they had a new one right now, where would they put it to keep it safe? Check the spot they name as the old one may be there.

    5. Order new ones.

      It’s just easier, and you have to order so much stuff anyway (marriage certificates, death certificates), it doesn’t make much sense to try to find the originals.

      Also, it’s easier to submit it all if it is current – they have stamps and such to authenticate it that they might not have had a hundred years ago.

  2. Help! I am the poster child for having a closet full of clothes and nothing to wear. I know I buy too many clothes, kind of like grazing on sites like this one. I see a random pretty orange lady jacket and I buy it. That has to stop. Also, I need to purge things I never wear. Does anyone have any advice for me? Do you just buy complete outfits? Only shop seasonally? One in one out? TIA.

    1. My grandmother swore to only buy outfits and I think she was right. Or at least buy something that can be work on day 1, with completed pieces and shoes and accessories at the ready. She was a secretary back when they wore suits and hose and carried “pocketbooks” to work.

      1. Your grandmother was so right. My look got so much more cohesive once I went by the rule of “don’t leave the site/mall/site without the whole outfit” especially if you fell in love with something distinctive like an orange lady jacket.

    2. I would look locally for a stylist who will come into your home, go through your closet with you, help you decide what to keep, have tailored, or donate/sell, and then put together outfits with you. You take pictures of outfits and then consult those when it is time to get dressed. A really solid investment in yourself. Ask women friends who are well put-together if they work with someone. I did this a long time ago, and it helped curbed that mindless “buy now” mentality.

      1. You can also do this yourself if finding and hiring a stylist is too daunting. Find a few looks on the internet that you like for work/special occasion, and see what you can recreate from your closet. Also think about why those looks speak to you.

    3. I think you need to do some work. Take a day to try stuff on, see if you can coordinate outfit ideas based on what you have–like everything–include scarves, your jewelry, and make sure you have a full length mirror, and discard what plainly doesn’t work. You’ll also get ideas about what pieces might need to be purchased (like the perfect black skirt or whatever.)

      I got off of social media and my shopping stopped pretty dramatically. I don’t really care for the picks on this site so I consider it pretty safe. Mostly here for the comments.

    4. if you can’t picture exactly how you’d wear the piece with items from your closet, pass. For this sweater I can see it with navy, gray, or white pants and cognac flat mules, with a simple tee hidden underneath (worn buttoned). All things I have.

      For stuff you never wear, time to donate. Either way you’ve spent the money and aren’t wearing it, but if you keep it, it’s also cluttering up your house.

    5. When I was a kid, my mom gave me three shopping rules. If I wanted something, I needed to already have three things I could wear it with, it needed to be either different enough from what I already owned or a replacement for something worn out, and I had to have an actual situation to wear it regularly. There were exceptions, like special occasion dresses, but for most items, I needed to be able to slot it into rotation immediately. I don’t always follow the rules now, but the lesson has stuck. If I like something, but either would need to buy something additional to be able to wear it or don’t actually know when I would wear it, I pass.

      1. This is how I shop. I also tend to buy clothes in batches; wait for a couple of items to wear out and then you buy a couple at once so if you’re trying to shift your style you can still have outfits and things that match. Just because something has with out doesn’t mean it needs an immediate replacement.

      2. The second rule is so good! I am constantly tempted to buy more of things I already have! (Looking at you, cute striped tops!)

    6. It sounds like you need to start thinking about wardrobe building — what kinds of clothes do you need in your closet? Here are some things that might be going on:

      Too many clothes for the space you have. You literally can’t see what clothes you have, because it’s all jammed together, so you just reach for the same 10 things and ignore the rest. If that’s the case, do a radical purge or pack away lots and lots of your clothes, until the rack is thinned out so much that you can easily see what you have, slide clothes around, and make outfits.

      No thought about how the piece you’ve buying fits into an outfit or what kind of supporting act it would need to make it wearable. ‘Nuf said.

      Outfit “glue.” You don’t have the kinds of basics you need in order to put an outfit together. E.g. you need neutral layering blouses/tops that can go with your statement trousers or that orange lady jacket, and you don’t have those layering pieces. So you can’t make outfits. Usually the “outfit glue” pieces aren’t nearly as fun to buy, and we have to make ourselves deliberately shop for them.

      Over-buying for one part of your life and under-buying for another. I’d recommend looking up Hannah’s Louise Poston’s Levels of Formality video on YouTube where she breaks down the different levels of formality she needs in her outfits for the kind of life she leads, and the does an audit of her closet to see whether what she has matches her actual needs.

      1. +1 This is great advice.

        I used to buy clothes for my fantasy self, or overbuy for some formality groups. I have had success with a couple of strategies:
        – identify a couple of types of outfit formulas, one of mine are high-waisted tapered trousers and tucked blouse.
        – identify items I’m keeping because I *could* wear them, but realistically never will if my favourites are clean, and then pack those away for a while
        – I want my everyday closet to ONLY have items I will actually want to wear and reach for in the life I have right now.
        –

    7. I have also found that I’m bad evaluating how practical something is ahead of time. I signed up for a clothing rental service (nuuly) and it’s helped with practicing choosing items. Sometimes I get practical items I wear all month, sometimes I get something I thought looked good but ended up not getting worn. But since it all goes back anyway, it’s helping me practice choosing things and understanding what’s realistically going to get worn.

    8. Take EVERYTHING out of the closet and get an objective friend to help you weed through what to toss, donate, or keep. I’ve done this for friends before because I’m ruthless about organizing.

    9. Here’s what worked for me:
      1. pick a coordinated color palate — don’t buy anything outside of those colors
      2. go through your closet and write a list of what you don’t have/need to make outfits including how many etc.
      3. write out a budget (can be over time) to buy all of those items
      4. only buy those items, in those colors, within that budget — if you spend more or less on any item reallocate the remaining budget
      5. take you time filling this list, like a full year or so so you can buy stuff over time

    10. I had a bad case of buy the pretty things as well. I started dumping everything in season onto my bed and assembling it into actual outfits that I hung together in the closet as outfits to wear. Then I looked at the rest and asked what were the fewest things I could add to make more of them wearable. Then I made a detailed shopping list: a plain cream top, navy pants, etc. and then spent my shopping cycles on pieces that would make more things usable. I did the same thing twice a year for a couple of years and then figured out how to add the basics that are wardrobe glue.

      1. This is the best advice. After you’ve gone through this process, in the future only buy outfits or items that make outfits with what you already have.

        If you absolutely must have the pretty thing, don’t take the tags off until you’ve bought the other piece(s) to make the outfit. If you can’t complete the outfit before the return window is up, return the item. I learned this lesson with a metallic pleated skirt. I thought it would work with a sweater I already owned. The sweater looked dumpy with it, so I kept looking for another top. I never found one that worked, probably because the skirt was the real problem. Now I have to decide whether to cut my losses and donate the skirt, or hang onto it and shop for a top again next winter.

    11. The blogger An Indigo Day just posted a tip about this, which is to keep a shopping list on your phone. Whenever you are trying to get dressed and find X is missing, put it on the list — and then don’t buy what’s not on the list. It’s super simple but this approach helps me!

      1. I do this too. Every winter I go through my sweaters, for example, and note what needs to be replaced.

    12. I put cute things I see on social media on a pinterest board, and then when I discover a need in my wardrobe, I shop from there first. So, for example, I love sundresses. I would buy so many of them if I had the choice. But realistically, I only need sundresses for occasional weekend events and vacation.

      I also keep a list of things I need on my phone and try to shop from that list.

      I also found a set of colors that worked well together– and that I actually wear– and try to only buy clothes in that list. I was really bad at buying every color of something that fit me well or saying “Oh! I don’t have a yellow dress.” to justify a purchase.

      1. I had to finally tell myself to knock it off with the t-shirt dresses. They’re easy and versatile, but how many do I really need when I’m in the office most of the time and can’t wear them every day? Like 2-3 at the most.

    14. I find I was that way when I would just go to the stores and shop in person and look for a sale. I ended up with all these pieces that were good deals, but didn’t go with each other.

      What really helped me was that lost a bunch of weight and had to redo my entire wardrobe. Getting rid of all those things even though they were good deals kind of hurt me because I was getting rid of things that still had tags on them and I’d never worn them.

      So if you feel like you have nothing to wear because you just need a pair of navy blue pants to go with three things you already own, then you put the navy blue pants on your list. Buy things on your list only and not things that just happened to catch your eye.

      I find having a limited color palette really helps with this as well. I mostly wear shades of blue and green and sometimes pink or plum/orchid. I stopped wearing black once I hit my mid 50s cause it really is not my best color. I have a few black things for going out like formal stuff, but mostly my day-to-day wardrobe all goes together because it’s all in the same color family.

    15. I know I sound like a broken record/shill but I swear by outfit/wardrobe apps. I currently use OpenWardrobe. There is a tiresome period where one must upload stock pics (or take pics) of *everything* and that in and of itself helps one figure out which stuff isn’t even worth taking pics of.

      Take note of category data. For example, I saw I had 37 dresses–that’s way, way too many for my realistic day to day life. I started selling and donating them or shifting the categories (for example, replacing now-dated work dresses with occasion dresses). Take note of colors especially–are there any “orphan” colors? I use this to weed out chronic problem children items that don’t “go” with anything.
      Look at the balance–are you heavy on shoes but light on pants? Do you have enough tops to get through transitional weather?

      Next, start tracking daily outfits. Track CPW and track what items never or seldom get worn. Track which items you reach for again and again. This has really helped me. Now sometimes I keep say, a pair of wide-legged brown sequin pants because they are terrific to use once in a blue moon. But a simple poly print blouse I haven’t worn in 2 year? BYE.

      Before buying anything, screen shot it, and attempt to make outfits, or at the very least, see how it looks with your existing wardrobe. If an orange Lady Jacket will legitimately go with your mostly navy and khaki closet, carry on. But if your closet is full of muted neutrals, well…you will have to do some serious justification to buy it.

      I also use a couple “systems” (my color season and in general Kibbe ‘type’) to limit purchases. I conducted a really exhaustive roundup of outfit pics and asked in fashion forums what the commonalities of my favorites/ones I loved best were and try to follow that when buying new stuff and keep it in mind making outfits. I also have a single mantra that really helps “Would [my fashion idol] wear this?” it has saved my butt so many times, especially because I am a huge thrifter and impulse purchase gremlin.

  4. Does anyone here shop at Halsbrook? I’m trying to upgrade my wardrobe past mall stores and buy some pieces that would look very sharp in a casual office. I’m > 40. Is this the right sort of place / website? Or is it likely too much older and semi-retired for a working woman shopping for workwear?

    When I worked in DC, people just seemed to go to St John but people don’t even seem to do that anymore (at least for workwear). It doesn’t seem to help that I’m in finance, so mostly men; women seem to leave when they are in their 20s and not come back.

    1. Halsbrook is OK. Try Tuckernut. Or go to brand sites – Veronika Beard, L’Agence, The Fold, Me&Em, etc. Maybe you need to go to Nordstrom and work with a personal shopper.

    2. Halsbrook lacks edge. What about brands like Veronica Beard, L’Agence, etc.? The non-preppy not quite designer level brands.

      1. DC is a place known for a complete lack of edgy clothes, so by that metric – OP this sounds like a fit!

    3. I love Halsbrook. I am in my early 60’s. Good quality, not frumpy. Can’t go wrong.

    4. My retired mom shops there – they have some pieces that are good workwear, but in general I think of it as resort casual.

      Agree that Veronica Beard is better. Also look at Vince. You say you don’t want mall stores but a Neimans or Saks probably has a good selection of VB, Vince, Max Mara, Akris Punto, Lafayette 148, etc. All of those brands probably have what you’re looking for.

  5. Has anyone had a mole removed for cosmetic reasons? Derm says its not skin cancer, but I have a lot on my face. Feeling self conscious.

    2. Yes. And recommend having a plastic surgeon do it even though it will be more expensive. It will be done better. From my shoulders down, the derm can remove. Neck up is plastics.

    3. Yes, but not on my face. I had a derm remove a couple, and they left small scars that are not noticeable because of where they are on my body.

      I have a mole on the side of my nose that I didn’t make peace with until well into my 30s. Definitely talk to a plastic surgeon or two before you decide. I was advised that mine was likely to leave a scar because of the location and thin skin/how little fat there is there. I wasn’t sure a scar would be an improvement, so I left it alone.

      1. Can they not freeze moles on the face like they do elsewhere on the body? It doesn’t remove them but for me it’s greatly diminished them. I know face may be different though.

        1. i had a mole frozen and it looks much worse than it did originally. would not recommend for a face, for sure

          1. Ugh okay. For me it made them much lighter and flatter in appearance, but maybe it depends on the mole or maybe I have gotten lucky!

        2. My derm won’t freeze moles and wants a pathology report on anything that’s removed, even if it looks innocuous.

          1. My insurance won’t pay for pathology reports on innocuous looking moles.

            I don’t always know what the right thing to do is. I have seen some dermatology practices where I feel like this was a cash grab pushed by their bosses that they were not super comfortable with themselves?

            I finally found a dermatologist who knows my family history of fatal skin cancer and who doesn’t seem to be under a lot of corporate pressure, so I’ll just do what she says.

    4. I had a mole on my face removed by a plastic surgeon and have a significant scar. I wish I had left it.

    5. Yes. I had a pre-cancerous mole in a prominent spot on my face removed a decade ago by a plastic surgeon. Be realistic about any scarring and healing considerations. The surgeon was great, but I needed to keep the site covered for several weeks afterwards so I had a giant bandaid on my face when I started a new job. Not ideal but worth it. It also took more than a year (and a ton of Vitamin E) for the scar to really recede in a way that I’m comfortable with.

    6. I did. My insurance didn’t cover it because it was cosmetic only.

      I had a random dermatologist who did take my insurance say he would do X number of moles at a time for a set fee like $200. So I did that a couple of times, but I wish in hindsight that for the moles on my face I had gone to someone better and paid more because I don’t like the scars he left.

    7. I asked my derm about removing a small 2mm compound mole on my cheek, I was told that was a bad idea bc it will scar and there may be hyperpigmentation. In hindsight, I’m glad she didn’t touch it.

      My brother had a large mole removed from his face, it did leave a pitted scar. But no hyperpigmentation.

    8. Yes and so happy with the results. My derm recommended a plastic surgeon for one on my face and she removed a couple of others. No scar at all on my face. This was not covered by insurance.

  6. I have developed a very bad spending habit. My mom has terminal cancer. I am spending $1-2k/month on travel/food to see her, plus supplemental home care and supplies for her. That is fine. The bad thing is I am also spending on clothes, skincare, home organization – I think everything feels and seems “blah” right now, so splurging on an AllSaints leather jacket feels nice, or $400 at Boden while I am in the airport means colorful choices…. I can afford all of this but I do not want to continue spending an extra $1-2k per month on stuff I objectively do not need. Returns are largely not an option as it is past the return window. I know going cold turkey might be hard, but any tips to slow down or stop appreciated!

      1. Same. I was you last year and retail therapy didn’t cost that much more than actual therapy that I could never schedule because I was just going from crisis to crisis.

      2. But did it help? I’ve also relied on retail therapy in bad times and I think it just left me poorer and feeling worse about all the waste.

        1. I feel like it did, actually. It was distracting in the moment and cathartic.

          Allentown airport
          Atlantic health system hospital
          Short term rehab
          Hospice

          I changed size and needed a funeral dress and shoes and travel clothes and outfits other than athleisure for going around to all these places and then a break from all that. And rage running. And emptying out a house.

          It sparked a bit of joy in the chaos and loss.

        2. My mom loved to clothes shop and my fondest memories are going to Talbots with her.

          2. I love this. My mom is not a big clothes person, but we have always shopped for home decor stuff together. I love it.

            My grandma was my clothes horse partner. I miss that.

        3. Yes, if you can afford it. Like the OP, it’s never strained my budget so yes, it does help. I’m also not particularly frugal or worried about saving every cent. I also believe in focusing on one thing at a time – if I have a sick parent, I’m getting thru that and I’ll diet and budget later.

        4. I’ve only enjoyed it when I have absolutely LOVED the item. Unfortunately, the quality of everything these days is down, so I feel like o end up with expensive crap.

    2. I’d just go cold turkey, at least on the categories of stuff you mention. It seems like a tough time of life when thinking too much is going to be hard, so it will be easier to just not buy any more clothes for a few months than to try to cut back.

    3. This is a hard time in life. And depending on your relationship with your mom, the coming years will be hard too. It seems you believe you’re grief shopping as a coping mechanism and distraction. I understand.
      My first suggestion is to be kind to yourself because this is hard. my second is that, if shopping does help right now, thrift shop – even if you never wear the items much and donate them in 2 years, they will have served their purpose. You cannot tackle all the mountains at once, and if this hobby is helping now as some self-care and you can afford it, I won’t try to talk you out of it. Once you don’t need this crutch, it should fade.
      Hugs to you today.

    4. No specific advice, but please be gentle on yourself with this. I went through the same thing after my own cancer diagnosis (TBH, am still going through it a bit several years later). In my case, it was about wanting a treat to feel better or get a dopamine hit, combined with a little bit of a feeling that life was short and uncertain and why was I saving for a life I may never have? I’ve tried to set a tighter budget for “treats” and that has helped. I’ve also started letting myself fill carts, but force myself to wait before buying. Most often, when I come back, I’m not as interested.

    5. If you can afford it (I could not), I don’t think this is the worst thing. You’re going through something very difficult. I’m so sorry your mom is sick.

      Cutting back is probably a good idea, though. Could you limit yourself to one purchase per trip? That way you could still browse during long airport waits, if that’s making you happy. And then maybe think about where else you could put the money to support yourself. A therapist if you don’t already have one, a massage, a hot yoga or sauna session.

    6. I went through a period of high spending in 2023-2024, I just kind of kept buying clothes and accessories and books. My job returned to the office in 2023 and I had almost no pre-pandemic work clothes that fit so I started with that and just kept buying. Now my closet and drawers are overflowing and I need probably need to cull things so I’ve mostly also just stopped buying things because there’s no room to put them.

    7. It sounds like you’re spending money for comfort, and your heart is grieving pretty badly. So give yourself lots and lots of grace to feel bad, and be tender with those bad feelings when they come.
      Or, simply recognize that the spending is a way of dealing with the pain, and let it go, knowing that it will even out as your heart begins to heal.

      I’m so sorry. What you’re going through is incredibly painful.

    8. I really don’t think it’s that bad to lean on something that lifts you up during a hard time. Can you talk to a therapist about coping with your mom’s illness? I’m sorry.

    9. I went through this and realized I was doing most of my shopping while sitting in doctor waiting rooms or airports. Download some simple silly games on your phone to keep your fingers busy instead. There are even home decorating ones if you just want to look at pretty things to feel better.

      1. I’m spending a lot of time in hospital rooms right now. I find having my kindle full of ebooks is a big help for the stress, fear and monotony that is my life right now.

    10. I’m so sorry about your mom. Could you swap for less-expensive splurges – like lipstick or fancy coffee?
      When my MIL went into the hospital for the last time, spouse and I went to the grocery store and loaded up on cheese, wine, snacks, etc. I remember saying “I think it’s okay to eat our feelings right now.”

    11. I’ve always thought retail therapy is a lot better than some of my other options for coping with stress.

    12. In my early 20’s, my mother was also dying of terminal cancer. It was the lowest, saddest part of my entire life and I’m in my 60’s now so that’s a long comparison timeframe. I say if you can afford it and a pink polka-dot sweater from Boden that you don’t need makes you smile then go for it. Be kind to yourself. So sorry you are going through this.

    13. Seconding what everyone has said, but something you may want to consider: will the clothes remind you of this time after your mother has passed, and will they become a burden? I know I would find it so difficult to have a closet full of grief-fueled impulse buys from one of the worst times of my life, once the storm has passed. So I’d forbear as a kindness to my future self and pick a different coping mechanism. If that’s not going to be an issue for you, go ham.

      1. I was wondering that too. If your mind associates them with a horrible painful time, you may never want to wear them as they may be memory triggers.

    14. Agree with everyone about the main thing is to be kind to yourself. If you really want to cut back though- it helped me to make swaps. I figured out when I was online shopping and planned changes. Waiting in the airport- I went to the newsstands and bought a magazine, at home I started binge watching a comfort series. Online shopping at Target rather than Madewell helped the budget. I got really into nail polish colors and wound up buying a ton of cute ones and would give myself pedicures often. I’m sorry about your Mom!

      1. Not the OP, but I have developed quite the nail polish habit in the past few years. And you know what? At $10-12 a pop, it’s been worth the dopamine hit.

    15. I’m so sorry you and your mom are going through this.

      Now that you have some nice things, would it help to deliberately shift to experiences that may make life easier or that may feel supportive (massage, hair, nails, spa treatments, hiring people to do a deep clean of your place)?

      I don’t know if this is a helpful way to look at things, but I think there’s something very human about working through our relationship with material possessions when facing loss, especially when it’s stuff that has the potential to outlive us or our loved ones. For me this has hit really hard before and it’s hard to explain, but the way physical belongings are woven in to grieving traditions from different cultures makes me think it must be a common experience.

    16. I dunno, because I’m right where you’re at. Mom has terminal cancer and work is hard because of the federal meltdown. So things feel a bit bleak, and I have definitely been turning to retail therapy wayyy too much.

    17. Random idea since it sounds like the amount of money isn’t really the problem – would you get the save dopamine hit from shopping for a non profit’s wishlist?

    18. I started using rent the runway. Saving clothes I like for later gives me the shopping buzz, and then I get some new fun clothes to try out 2x a month. Less expensive than monthly spending of what you are describing but satisfies the same itch.

    19. Have you considered Nuuly or some other clothes rental? For a nominal amount, you can pick 6 new things every month. It might scratch the itch while also keeping costs and storage down. My DD, who is on a tight budget, says that the money she spends on that has helped her avoid other, more frivolous spending.

    20. Sounds like emotional shopping…are you getting any help? Therapy? Be kind to yourself, maybe making some other investments in making your life easier would help your stress like housekeeping help, meal orders, etc. Honestly, the best thing to give yourself as a caregiver is giving yourself a break.

      On the stuff you’ve already bought, what about Poshmark? Or getting help organizing your closet.

      Hugs OP, so sorry about your mom.

    21. I drank and ate when my mom died. We don’t all cope with healthy habits. Everyone is right that you are using shopping to feel something other than sad. Yes, you probably could redirect that to a healthier habit or grief support. I don’t know the solution, but I will tell you that I stopped when the grief lessened. Joy will come again but it is hard to see that when you are in crisis.

  7. Biglaw folks – I just wanted to say that I am sending all the good thoughts your way. I am a partner at a central-US regional firm. Normally we would not notice (or honestly, care) much about the ups and downs in your tier. But the headlines, EOs, and EEOC letters are shaking all of us up. I am sorry for those of you going through it and hoping that judges and others will turn this around. I may have missed a discussion here about it but just did not want to have the whole week go by without saying something.

    1. Not a lawyer, but I work with quite a few and am at a company with lots of government engagement. It has been incredibly challenging to pivot so dramatically several times over, and to know that what happens next won’t be definite or final… maybe it never will be.

      I usually thrive in ambiguity, and am doing okay now, but the uncertainty and political atmosphere (my execs have begun wearing the Blue Suit/White Shirt/Red Tie uniform) is unsettling.

    2. yes won’t someone think of the…*checks notes* biglaw people during these challenging times.

        2. uh, this is not about attorneys’ personal income. it’s about the general legal system and how it’s being attacked.

        3. You need to get off the page for professional educated women. Not getting that an attack on lawyers BECAUSE of who they represent is a threat to our republic. Don’t be bitter and pathetic. Go read up on the right to counsel.

      2. You might consider listening to the daily’s podcast on this before you’re so glib about the undermining of the American legal system.

      4. Right?? There are tons of other attorneys and legal professionals so it’s weird this post is just about big law.

      6. That’s… not what we are concerned about. The attorneys in biglaw who are targeted by the EOs, and the firms stepping up to defend them are the bulwark against chilling of the first amendment and legal representation. This may seem far away from your world and work, but many of us see it as our ability to represent clients who hold views in opposition to the current administration and to speak out against what is happening. Add these EOs to the calls to impeach federal judges, and many attorneys not in biglaw are supporting our colleagues to stand up for all of us.

        1. I see you. I’m a fed, but I have sympathy for you and also really hope that the law stands up where other institutions don’t or can’t.

      7. I know what you mean, but as an immigrant working in federally funded climate research, I don’t think this is the time to play suffering Olympics. I’m terrified for me personally on several levels, and I don’t have a problem with this poster sparing a minute to send a kind note of support to a different group.

      8. The President of the United States is using executive power to punish attorneys who represent clients or take stances that he dislikes. You are a fool if you think he won’t use this beyond biglaw if the courts don’t stop him.

        This is how power grabs work. Start with an unpopular group so that people don’t mind, then work your way to others.

    4. Thank you for posting this.

      I am actually shocked there hasn’t been a detailed thread discussing these issues and potential legality/responses/thoughts from lawyers in DC.

      What a disappointing thread.

  8. Please help me adult. I know it’s important to have an estate plan and have dawdled on it for years. (No spouse, no kids, house and some standard monetary assets.) I have time to act on it now. I may have to move states later this year, but won’t know for a while. Even if I move, I will keep the house and rent it out.

    Should I just go ahead and get a basic estate plan including a will and power of attorney for health care (approx. $800 from a recommended local lawyer) now and get a new one if I move?

    (For some reason, this question seems harder to me than it probably is, given the context of estate plans and the fact that I don’t really want to think about moving.)

    1. Please forgive my ignorance: I’m not understanding why a basic will, power of attorney, etc. are wrapped up with thinking about the move?

      1. My understanding is they are usually tied to state law, and may not apply if I move.

      2. They’re state specific so you’re supposed to get them redone when you move (though I’m not a lawyer and also unclear how important this is).

    2. Just in case it helps, I didn’t worry about this until I got married. Would dealing with probate have been a hassle for my family if I died? Yeah, I guess, but it wasn’t enough of a concern to deal with. Once there’s someone else who you need to make sure is taken care of in the event of either of your deaths, that’s the time to actually deal with it.

      2. Counterpoint: even just appointing an executor helps a lot. I’ve seen Wills wherein people designate their sibling as their executor and have the property distributed per the state’s default intestate laws.

        1. Sure, I’m not saying it’s unhelpful, I’m saying I just didn’t care enough to spend the time and money dealing with it when I was single. My sibling could figure it out if I died prematurely.

          1. The entire point of estate plans are for your family and loved ones, not for you.

          3. For the love, I get that and got that but as a single person your time and money and energy is limited and this isn’t a gift that has dire consequences if you fail to give it.

    3. I’d do it now because part of the planning will be deciding what level of care you’d like in the event you’re incapacitated, and that takes some time and thought to determine. Does your work offer a legal benefit? Some large companies do. I got my first will for free through that program (MetLife Legal, if I recall). The other one is Legal Guardian.

  9. My quote for home insurance (DMV area) renewal seems quite high. I know nationally they have been trending up.

    Any tips for shopping for cheaper options/recommended insurance providers?

    1. I did this a few months ago. I got quotes from several insurance companies on line and also called an independent insurance agent for quotes. I also searched on line for reviews, recommendations, and horror stories about claims processing.

      I requested quotes for auto, home, and umbrella at the same time because there’s usually a discount for bundling auto and home, and umbrella must be bundled with the other two. I found much greater variability in the auto premiums than in the homeowner’s premiums, especially in the treatment of a teen driver who is away at college without a car there.

      My musical instruments are insured under a separate policy from Anderson because it’s much less expensive and has better coverage and benefits than a rider on the homeowner’s policy. If you have a nice-ish piano or a kid who plays even a step-up level instrument I’d look into this option.

      1. Also DMV and same. The disaster-probe areas are getting spread across the national risk pool. I haven’t looked to much yet, but I wonder if regional providers (if they exist) rather than national might be a place to start.

      2. Just be glad someone’s willing to insure without making you jump through a bunch of even more expensive hoops (inspections, new roof, tree work, etc) and pay the money. It sucks, sorry.

      1. Coming from someone in CA, the idea of shopping around for a better rate is comical, you’re lucky you have coverage.

        1. What’s the harm in shopping around? The worst that could happen is that you don’t find a better deal, and then you don’t feel like quite as much of a chump for paying the higher rate.

          1. I don’t live in CA but work in the industry. No one is saying that it is comical to shop around, it is that many in CA cannot shop around because P&C insurers are pulling out of the CA market. Many cannot obtain homeowner’s insurance, despite adhering to the codes and doing any and all maintenance or upkeep that the insurer requests. The only option for some is the state plan.

          2. But how would you know that no one else is writing policies unless you shopped around?

      2. I don’t live in area with high rate of natural disasters but it’s hard to find insurers in my area for “high value homes” (aka anything over $1M, which is the majority of valuations in my area…). Makes it hard to shop around.

    4. Please reach out to your DOI and tell them about the rate increase. It may be in line with what is permitted, but unless the DOI hears from consumers, they will not monitor and push back against requested rate increases. Same goes for your local representative. I no longer feel confident in using local/regional insurance companies because I have seen that many do not have the reserves or reinsurance to back their exposure. Yes, the state will likely step in that situation, but with all that is happening with FEMA, I do not have confidence in the backing of the federal to state to state insurance companies in the event of a major, or several, natural disasters.

      1. This is a very good point to complain to the state DOI and something I had not thought about.

        My insurance has gone from $2200 to $4500 in 3 years. The deductible has gone from $5,000 to $20,000. In the past 10 years of home ownership there has been no claims, we have not flooded and there have been no accidents. I maintain my home to a high standard and just replaced the roof as it reached 19 years. I could have hung on for another 5 years but why tempt fate?

        My car insurance is also similarly insane. Despite driving for 20 years and being lucky enough to have no claims or accidents during this time period my insurance is $4020 per year for a 2019 Ford Escape worth $8,500. Make it make sense.

        1. But you auto insurance is really predicated on the damage and medical costs you can incur or inflict. I live in a town with a zillion BMWs and Mercedes and other really expensive cars. My own vehicle is too old to insure, but I maxed out on coverage in case I total someone else’s $100,000 car.

    5. In Northern Virginia and our policy went up significantly last fall. I checked the history and the total price they were asking was double the premium from 2021! We’ve had no claims and are not in an area with unusual hazards. I rate-shopped and found the best coverage and price through Erie. It didn’t go down to 2021 levels but was a sharp decrease. For other lines, the auto premiums were a 60% decrease and the umbrella policy was an 80% decrease. The Erie policies are comparable to what I had previously for deductibles and coverage. The savings is legitimately funding our spring break trip.

      Bottom line – insurers count on you not having the energy to comparison shop.

    6. Take a look at the cost of each set of coverages. When this happened to me, it was because my insurer wanted to phase out wind/hail as a normal deductible item and wanted to make it some special coverage like flooding, where there are different deductibles and limits applicable. I shopped around but other insurers were all doing the same thing. I changed insurance anyway, partly as an eff you to them for doubling my coverage in one year after 15 years and only 1 relatively minor claim (ages ago, not even last year), but also because I got access to USAA and quite a bit less.

  10. People who have worked on startups – how many months of runway would you be comfortable with vs how few months would have you job searching?

    1. I’m risk adverse – I’d need 18 months and a solid plan to get more to join, and 6 months to start looking for something else. I’ve worked in one startup and didn’t get paid on time several times. Never again.

    2. Totally depends on
      a) your personal financial & career situation (are you ok with being unemployed; and how easy will it be to get a new job quickly if startup crashes
      b) is the startup “default dead” (if we keep going on this trajectory, we’ll run out of money and shutter” or “default alive” (we’re on track to profitability/our next raise if nothing terrible happens). This is more important than months of runway.
      c) What’s the plan to extend runway & does it seem realistic? (very different if you’re bootstrapping vs need to raise). Your founder should be able to talk intelligibly and strategically about where you all are and what’s next, beyond just “we have 6 months in the bank”.

      1. True, 6 months is very different if that’s the only money coming vs. there is a reasonable expectation that the runway will be extended by then.

    3. Also, does your founder team have a track record of success? You can trust them a bit more than newbies. And what is the funding? VC, own money of a founder?

  11. Fore those of you with kids turning 18 or older, do they have POAs and HCPOAs that aren’t springing? I have teens and it’s dawning on me that we may need this. BUT a big healthcare system in my area has decided that they have their own records at 16, which seems insane to me. They can’t sign a HCPOA or HIPAA waiver when they are minors.

    No one is on bad terms, but I had gravely ill parents this year and it was immensely helpful to have these documents already in place so people could talk to me.

    1. I have news for you- your kids are going to be adults and have the power to choose to share with you what they want. I turned 18, went to college, and while I was on my parents’ insurance, no, they did not get authority to be involved with my medical care.

      1. I think it’s more if they are in a car crash or like the Va Tech shooter. Most parents I know have them in a drawer just in case. They aren’t stalking My Chart seeing if you had an abortion at college or are on the Pill.

        I had surgery and signed one for my husband. I haven’t revoked it and that was 10 years ago.

        1. If your kid is shot, the ER treats them. This isn’t a reason to fully have control over their financial and medical decisions.

          1. The ER treats them but then won’t give you any information or let you see them.

        2. Can’t you write one that only comes into effect *if you are incapacitated*. My parents definitely don’t have access to my medical records and I wouldn’t have wanted to give them that even at 18, but you can fill out some “this is what I want in an emergency” paperwork without giving someone POA in general

          2. I thought those were a good idea but IRL, if you have a person in the hospital who is semi lucid or lucid only in the AM, going to court is a huge PITA. My mom would pull out her feeding tube and think her father was alive and it was such a mess and so stressful. Our HCPOA was not worth anything as it was written. And we needed more forms for paying for things vs making a decision with the docs for another set of parents.

          4. Read the wording on what springing means. And see if you think you can pull that off. I couldn’t when I needed to.

      2. Yeah … unless you’ve got a wildly different situation than you’ve told us, I don’t know why you’d want a POA over you kid?

      3. i was happy to let my parents be involved with my medical care. i would’ve told them anything serious anyway. now i am a parent. and i think as a parent, if you are paying for college and insurance, you can tell your kids they have to give you authority

        1. Yes, absolutely. Financially controlling your children is an excellent strategy toward having a wonderful, trusting and loving life long relationship.

        2. Sure you can. If you don’t want a healthy adult relationship with functioning independent adult children

        3. As a college student I would not be happy for my parents to see every time I got treated for a UTI. They chance that they avoid medical care is likelier than the chance that they’re incapacitated at the hospital

          1. My parents had a HCPOA over me during college, and they absolutely did not use it to check my medical records. It was for emergencies, and it was never invoked. Some parents/children have respectful relationships where the parents do what they say they will…

      4. Our T&E attorney advised us to ask our daughter to sign a springing POA and HCPOA when she turned 18. Young adults get in accidents, get sick, etc. just like middle-aged people do. She just turned 18 and I have started giving her HIPAA authorization on my records, and she gives it to me and her dad. If her dad and I are in an accident I want her to be able to get information from the hospital, even though an adult relative will remain our POA and health-care proxy for a few more years.

        1. This — my adult stepson is next on the list after my husband. And it’s all mutual since we have each others’ backs. If I were worried, we would do this but with someone else.

      5. FWIW, it is actually pretty common for 18 year olds sign POAs and HCPOAs to give their parents access to their medical records. It is fine you did not want to when you were that age, but as a T&E lawyer, I see this all the time. We prepare these documents regularly for kids of our clients. As a later poster mentioned, it is usually just in case of an emergency.

        1. Newsflash most people don’t have a t and e lawyer on call. Your rich clients aren’t common

          1. I think people get forms off of the interred or just copy what they already have.

          2. yes, it is very very very common. this does not mean parents are micromanaging healthcare, it’s for true emergency situations.

          3. Yeah, I promise you this is not a rich person only phenomenon. I am not saying it is a 100% universal truth, but it is not insane in the way that people here are making it out to be.

          4. You’re right, all of the middle class parents I know who have figured this out on their own are secretly super rich folks who consulted with a T&E lawyer. Definitely didn’t just google it. Couldn’t be that.

        2. Agreed. Very common, esp for kids who have some health issues and are going to college. (I am also a T&E attorney)

    3. Not allowing parents access to a 16-year-old’s medical records is insane. I had a situation where a medical practice would not let me deal with billing issues for my 10-year-old(!!!) because my husband was the primary policyholder on our health insurance. They told me I’d have to get a HIPAA waiver, when under HIPAA I (as the parent of a minor) had the power to sign that waiver. It was absolute madness.

      1. Responsible adults, including those who are just 18, have their paperwork in order so that if something bad happens to them the people who care about them can make the decisions that they would make for themselves.

      2. Lol, clearly you and many of the commenters don’t have a trusting relationship with your/their parents and/or kids if you’re afraid of what they would do they have POA, but some of us do trust our family, wouldn’t be creeping medical records unnecessarily and would want a POA in this situation. And btw, a POA doesn’t have to be a POA over everything in your life. It can be over whatever you want it to apply to.

    6. So you can just control their finances immediately for no reason at all. For what possible reason do you need this.

      1. for the healthcare aspect, if your kid is hit by a car while at college or their appendix burst or something else and they end up at a hospital, the doctors cannot talk to the parent or keep them informed.

        2. Teens with rare diseases or genetic conditions also really benefit from continued advocacy. (Adults with rare diseases benefit from advocacy but have had more time to connect with adult support networks than teens have had! Or they have a spouse who can help.)

          2. No, but a special need can also arise at any time, and some are more likely to first manifest in one’s early twenties than at other times.

        3. If your appendix bursts at college you go to the ER? and then call your parents if you want to, and you can authorize them to get updates at that point if you want to. Or, you can text them updates. Or don’t! If you get hit by a car and are unconscious, then the springing POA comes into effect.

          I get why parents would ~want~ to be able to get whatever info they want in whatever feels like an emergency to them, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect.

          Mayyyyybe if your concern is that springing POAs aren’t valid in your state, you and your kid could talk ahead of time about an overall hcpoa + hippa waiver with a VERY clear understanding you will only use it in an emergency like a car crash

          1. if my appendix burst at college or i ended up unconscious or had some kind of accident and was in pain, i dont want to have to deal with signing forms then and there, i would just want my parents called. so would most of my friends. in fact, in college i accompanied a friend to the ER once, and it was SO hard for the doctors to be able to talk to my friend’s parents, that i ended up doing it, which was fine bc I was there, but I very easily could have not been there (this was during the summer when there weren’t as many students around) maybe you have a bad relationship with your parents, but not all do. also, if parents are paying the health insurance bill, and there are billing issues, and the parent is the ultimate responsible party, they need to be able to talk to the relevant medical offices. i assure you, i am a fully competent adult, and now a parent of two.

    7. I think it’s hilarious how everyone here thinks it’s appropriate for parents to pay for their adult children’s homes and cell phone plans and college tuition and streaming entertainment and health insurance and provide unlimited free babysitting, but also believes it’s terrible for an 18-year-old to sign a POA authorizing their parents to get information and make decisions in a medical emergency, for parents to help with college applications, etc. Basically the role of parents is to pay for everything even long after their children are fully grown, but never to ask any questions or give an opinion.

      2. Parents shouldn’t use money to control their children’s lives. If your support is contingent upon control then you should probably talk to a therapist about why that is.

    8. I had health care proxies and POAs for my kids when they were in college. They both transferred them to their significant others when they were 21 and 23 respectively. Fortunately we never needed to use them but better safe than sorry.

    9. If you are only concerned about emergencies, you can have them sign a springing POA/HCPOA. It is the fact that you specified non-springing that has everyone up in arms (albeit in many cases rudely).

      Every adult should have a HCPOA and a will. But you are no more entitled to unfettered access to your adult offsprings’ health records than they are entitled to yours. (And I hope everyone adamantly defending your children’s privacy rights will remember this when they are talking about their parents!)

        1. Genuinely curious – what states are those? I live in California where there is literally a statutory form you can download. It is nuts to me that we have HIPAA but people can either give 100% access or none at all.

      2. I’ve had doctors and banks push back hard on all kids of POAs or want them redone on their own forms. And this is with elders where it is common to have a kid at an appointment or need to get checks to pay a nursing home bill with.

      3. +1 to the last sentence. I love how the commentariat here is all “pay for all your adult children’s expenses but don’t ever ask them questions” and then “OMG how can I force my elderly parents to do my bidding.” Narcissists all.

    10. In my state teens as young as 13 can consent to certain categories of health care, including mental health care. I think it is absolutely loonely that a parent can be financially on the hook for care they didn’t authorize, particularly mental health care that can get very expensive very quickly and is often ineffective or downright harmful.

      1. Right? and who is signing that kid out of school and driving them and managing the follow-up? It’s bananas.

        1. Let those kids get charity care at Planned Parenthood if that’s what needs to happen. But don’t send me a bill and expect me to pay it without knowing what it’s for.

        3. Until you are 16 or 17, kids can’t drive. Even then, they may not have a car. How on earth does this happen? Is there some adult lurking? I don’t want my teen to have a secret 30YO internet boyfriend who is taking her to medical appointments. There are a lot of predatory men. I’d be more concerned about that.

          2. I mean, yes, lots of teen girls have adult bfs who take them to medical appts. Anyone who works at a relevant clinic could tell you this.

          3. And that is why they shouldn’t be allowed to consent to medical care on their own! It is literally assisting these adult men in committing crimes.

          4. Anon @ 12:35, you are proving the point. Why do we want to take parents out of the loop and help adult men commit crimes against underage girls?

          5. At my high school the guidance counselors could and did take students during the school day to the doctor to get medical care that their parents would not approve.

            And yes, that includes a termination one of my friends had.

          6. Anon @1:37, that is horrifying. School employees should not be acting in loco parentis.

      3. And a lot of parents won’t allow a child to get mental health care or reproductive healthcare. Idk how the bills for that work. But yes your child should absolutely be able to use the healthcare you pay for (the horror!) to access medical resources they need, regardless of whether you authorize it.

        Honestly you sound like my mom who dragged me to an OBGYN for my first pap and then was mad that the doctor wouldn’t tell her whether or not I was still a virgin. Your child is a person. You are not entitled to medical information about another person just because you are their parent.

        1. Children are people but they are also children. They are subject to their parents’ care and supervision. It is my responsibility as a parent to ensure that my child gets appropriate health care, including vaccinations and treatment for physical and mental illnesses. It is also my responsibility to protect my child against doctors who want to put every female between the ages of 13 and 50 on hormonal BC that can wreck their metabolism and mental health when maybe the child’s problem is something that actually needs to be diagnosed and cannot be solved by BC, quack therapists who feed into fears and obsessions, etc. And a 13-year-old certainly should not be able to obligate me to pay for treatment that is harming them.

    11. When my child turned 18 we set up a HCPOA and sat with her and went through an advanced directive and organ donation with them. I lost a sister at the age of 17, a brother at 24, and a friend in college so I am very aware tough decisions can need to be made at that age. I have never looked at her healthcare records or anything controlling like that but I feel better that I can make the decisions they want if the time comes.

  12. Is anyone else paying attention to the missing spring breaker in the DR? It seems that she was out with friends, they left, and she didn’t come home. It may also be the case that they tried to get her to leave with them and she declined. I can’t say why but this paralyzes me. Most nights about end well. Sometimes, friends want to be with someone they just met (and everyone has been drinking). I just feel so bad for everyone and her family. I feel that the friends are getting thrown under the bus in some accounts but it seems to me that young women were trying to do the right thing and even that didn’t overcome either a crime or a tragic accident.

      1. Not the OP, but it’s been above-the-fold style news in the US for a couple days! not “random”

    3. No I’m not dwelling on this story. It happens every year. People get drunk on spring break, aren’t safe, and bad things happen.

      1. It really is a tale as old as time; this has *always* been happening. It was just the most exotic with Amanda Knox.

        Where’s that poster from a few weeks back who was going to let her kid do a trip? these stories are why not. you lose your kid to alcohol accidents, intentional crime, drownings, and the whole basket of horrible things.

        2. Yup. And even if you think you’re being careful, bad/dumb things can still happen. My daughter has a story about going to Dublin for St. Patrick’s Day during her semester abroad that still curls my hair.

    4. I’ve been following and feel terrible for everyone involved. I always read stuff like this and think “But for the grace of God go I.” It could have happened to lots of people that I know, to me, to my loved ones.

      Sometimes bad stuff happens. We all have our good luck and TERRIBLE luck.

    5. I feel bad for her and her family but I do think it was just a bad freak accident. People always look for someone to blame because “random chance” isn’t comforting. It reminded me of when I was studying abroad and my very high/drunk roommate left the club with a random guy. Shortly after they left she basically had a breakdown and thankfully the guy just brought her back to our apartment – that could have gone so wrong. I remember asking her if she was sure she was going to leave with him, but in the end you’re not going to prevent someone from going off to have a good time if they want to.

      1. Most of these tragedies are not caused by random chance, though. Bad decision-making got your roommate into the situation she was in. Random chance or the guy’s good decision-making is what got her out of it. I’m so tired of the “don’t blame the victim! It’s okay to get drunk/high/go on unsupervised party trips/swim at night with a stranger while drunk and it’s not your fault if something bad happens to you” rhetoric. It teaches young people that they don’t need to take any responsibility for their own safety or the safety of others.

        1. I wish it was socially acceptable to victim blame. I went to Colombia with a friend, she insisted on doing coke and running off with a guy she just met I told her a bunch of times not to. It was a set up and the guy’s friends were trying to jump her, she ran back to the hotel and was fine. There was nothing I could have done to stop her from going short of physically restraining her, adults are going to make their own decisions.

      2. Young people make such poor decisions when alcohol is involved. I am one of the most boring, responsible people I know, but when I was 20ish, I went out with my sister and two guys who worked at the all-inclusive we were staying at (with my dad!), the bar had free-floating tequila which I drank too much of without even realizing it, and I was totally about to leave with one of those guys if my sister (who holds her liquor better) hadn’t forced me not to be an idiot.

        so yeah, regular spring break behavior + random chance is going to occasionally lead to bad outcomes. it’s really sad for the girl and her loved ones.

        1. And this is why we need to teach our youth not to get drunk and not to put themselves in these party situations in the first place. Girls get r—ed and m—-ed. Boys drive drunk and k–l people or dive into shallow water and get paralyzed. Girls and boys drown.

          1. I agree; regular spring break behavior isn’t worth it. We need to cultivate a healthier culture around substances. I don’t think “occasional” is the best description for the status quo either.

          2. Anon at 10:50 again, and I agree. that was literally the only time in my life I’ve been drunk, esp around strangers, and it still bothers me 20 years later. I was lucky to learn all my life lessons about alcohol without harm, but too many people aren’t.

            I do think the substance abuse culture isn’t as pervasive as it’s portrayed in the media, but I also think the media portrayals kinda encourage kids who wouldn’t otherwise drink to excess (like me), and encourages bars to create a scene that promotes terrible choices. Like, you don’t need to start a conga line that passes under someone pouring tequila in everyone’s mouth.

    6. I’m aware of it, and that’s terrible for her, but not paralyzed by it? Friends can’t force someone to go home with the group, drunk people in a dark ocean is an easy place for something to go terribly wrong, and it sounds like that beach in particular was a frequent place for dangerous currents.

    7. In my city, high school kids organize similar trips. I’m shocked we don’t have headlines like this. Or that what safe behavior looks like isn’t expressly discussed.

      1. I remember asking my mom for $600 in college so I could go on a similar trip and she laughed in my face. Parents shouldn’t subsidize trips like this. You can’t stop your kids from making bad choices but you shouldn’t enable them.

        1. +100. And parents DO have some control over whether their kid goes, when they are likely footing the bill for college (even if Junior has the cash for the trip). Cue the people saying this is infantilizing young adults…but in reality, college kids are still immature and susceptible to peer pressure and substance abuse. It is not helicoptering to keep a few last guard rails in place.

          I think about all the times my parents told me I couldn’t go somewhere, and while I was mad I am SO GLAD in retrospect. And part of me felt protected and cared for at the time, too.

          Until a kid is 100% supporting themselves, they still “live under my roof”

          1. Exactly this. The brain doesn’t fully mature until age 25 for girls, even later for boys. If you want my money for college and to be on my health insurance policy, you’re not going around acting foolish.

          2. Agreed, and I don’t think that’s necessarily helicoptering. I graduated from college a million years ago at this point, and that’s the type of relationship I had with my parents. I promise you that I launched just fine after college.

          3. No, don’t hold college tuition over your adult child’s head to control their behavior. The gift of college tuition should not be contingent upon living a lifestyle that mom and dad agree with. It’s one thing if they’re not going to class or keeping their grades up, but anything else is such a slippery slope.

          4. Sorry, but I’m not paying as much as $90K per year for my kid to go get drunk and drown.

          5. There is a big difference between holding tuition over your kids’ head to control behavior and not letting them go on an exotic spring break trip where the entire point is to get drunk and make bad decisions.

    8. Could you give a stab at articulating (for yourself) why this news story is paralyzing you? Why has it gone in so deep that it’s affecting you at this level? You don’t need to tell us here, but this seems like something significant going on, about yourself, that you should know about.

      1. It’s really not that deep. Not the OP but bad things can happen when you aren’t vigilant. That’s a thing we should always be on our guard about. But we’re human and we slip. And some people pay heavier consequences for our slips than others.

        Some get lucky and some pay the high price.

        1. Also, if you are the friend, how hard do you push your drunk friend to come home with you and not a stranger? I don’t want to be a wet blanket but I can imagine how this lingers. Don’t go to the memorial service or hide to avoid being judged? Go back to the dorm? Have a casual date to a bar?

    9. Missing young woman on spring break is a story that has gotten a lot of attention my entire lifetime. It makes for a captivating story and gets disproportionate attention to other harm that comes to young people. Yes, this is awful for this one young person and her loved ones and I wish no harm had befallen this young person. But, I think it’s unhelpful that these kinds of stories get so much attention when much more common sources of harm to young people get very little attention.

      If there was more media coverage and public worry over common reasons that young people die, like traffic collisions and drowning, maybe there’d be more public will for taking steps to save many more young people.

      1. Well or local missing young women? I’m pretty upset about a local case right now that the police aren’t planning to investigate.

      2. This woman almost certainly drowned, so isn’t this exactly the story you want to be covered?

    10. It’s the Natalee Holloway story. It’s thousands of other spring breakers who fall off balconies or OD or don’t die but narrowly escape some similar fate. The only thing the friends can do is be a c*ck blocker and insist the friend leave with you. Teens/young adults usually think they’re invincible.

  13. I have a few pieces of estate jewelry that I want to sell that are gold heavy. Circa isn’t interested and I don’t necessarily want to go to a cash for gold. I could keep them for a few years to see if my taste changes. But it would be nice to get some money if possible.

    Does anyone have good experiences w places they recommend in the DMV area selling items like this? Or should I just hold tight?

    1. Wondering this too, DFW. Are the gold and silver exchanges better than a regular jeweler that will resell the items?

    2. Personally I wouldn’t trade a family heirloom for a couple hundred bucks. If it’s really not your style, I’d consider having it remade. Spur jewelry in NYC does a wonderful job of this.

      1. In my case it isn’t family stuff, but estate items I bought on Etsy years ago that I seem to be holding onto rather than wearing.

        I don’t insure stuff outside of car and house so I’ve been nervous about it, but unless I think of a reasonable selling solution (obviously I expect to sell at a major loss, but the least amount of loss possible is what I’m looking for) I might just pack it up and put it in the attic for a few years and forget about it. Gold and stone mostly—nothing that will destroy itself in suboptimal conditions like pearls or opals.

    3. Gold prices are currently historically high. I would asses whether you want to capture that, or wait and see if they go higher. And, do you have a bank safe deposit box? That would be better than the attic.

    4. I bought a really cool vintage ring at Secrete in Dupont (and I think they have a showroom in Chevy Chase too). They seem like they had a lot of estate jewelry.

  14. Recommendations for a great date-night restaurant in NYC this Saturday? We are staying at the Loews Regency at 61st and Park and would like to go someplace nearby. We currently have reservations at Il Corso, which I’m excited about but I’m not sure what the vibe is there and am wondering if there’s something better since we don’t get to NYC too often. Thanks in advance!

    1. I’ve always been a fan of Marea – pricey but delicious and a nice peaceful grown up vibe.

  15. DH is obsessed with preventing scratches on our wood floors. He scolds DS for playing with his trains on the wood floors. Once a guest pulled out the chair from my desk to the living room to sit, and DH asked him not to sit there because the wheels on the chair could damage the floor without a rug underneath it. For a long time he was against houseplants because they could leak water which could damage the floors, even with a tray underneath it. We refinished the floors when we moved into our house 10 years ago, and it was around $5000 at that time (our house is not big) – not a small expense but also not so expensive we couldn’t do it again if needed. Our floors are still in pretty good shape – I don’t notice any scratches in the finish unless I really look for them. Is DH’s fixation justified? Also I can’t understand why he fixates on things like that but at the same time he is generally very messy and disorganized.

    1. Nope, your husband is unreasonable. Floors are there to be walked on and have heavy objects placed on them. Sure don’t drag furniture everywhere or walk around in ice skates, but everything you’ve described is well within the bounds of expected, wear and tear from a life normally-lived. Hardwood floors aren’t meant to be perfect!

      -signed, my floors are from the 40’s, they’ve probably been refinished at some point, but not in the 12 years we’ve lived here, and look totally fine!

    2. Hot take time: if you cannot afford to fix or live with normal wear and tear, you can’t afford it.

      Part of the cost of an item is maintenance (or lowering your standards to deal with the un-maintained item).

      Yes, I firmly believe taking good care of the things I have, but I also acknowledge that they can’t look brand-new forever and will eventually get worn.

      1. This is really unfair, it’s not an affordability issue. I don’t slam cast iron down on my glass cooktop, and I’d be super pissed if a guest treated the glass cooktop like it’s an iron gas range. That doesn’t mean I can’t afford my cooktop (in fact I’d rather have gas but my house doesn’t have gas), you treat things well.

        An adult should know better than to bring a rolling chair into a room with hardwood. I’d be horrified if I saw that happening at someone’s house.

        2. Please re-read my last paragraph. Also understand the use the word “normal” in the first sentence.

        3. horrified is a strong word. it’s a chair, it’s a floor. husband could have offered different seating, in advance, if he was this concerned.

    3. I mean, probably not, but I don’t think it’s a useful question to ask a bunch of strangers.

    4. I’m more on your husband’s side here. You only buy nice things if you are willing to care for them. I wouldn’t put hardwood in a kitchen or laundry room because of the risk of water damage, I would put felt pads on chair legs, I would put a rug under the desk chair and in the playroom, I’d keep the dog’s toenails clipped, and I’d put houseplants on stands in non-porous saucers or containers.

      1. I’d be on the husband’s side if he put felt pads on legs, got the rugs, clipped the toenails, and put saucers under the houseplants. By all means protect the floor!

    5. There’s a difference between occasionally being careless (dragging a chair across the room instead of lifting it) and living your life normally in your own home (having plants). Unless you own nothing but bean bag chairs and stuffed animals the floors will get scratched over time, it’s inevitable. If he wants to put felt pads under the legs of your furniture then fine, but he doesn’t get to restrict the way everyone else lives in the house.

    6. taking reasonable care to avoid damage is normal. Like the example about the wheelie chair – sharp metal wheels would probably leave decent dents in our pine floors (1800s house!) and so I understand that.

      But trying to avoid every tiny scratch is overkill – and futile, to boot.

    7. He needs to let it go. I had a friend whose dad was like this growing up, and it’s the #1 thing I remember about visiting her house. He was inflicting his irrational anxiety on everyone who stepped into that building, all because he didn’t want to refinish the floor again someday? Just no.

      1. I also remember the parents who were like this! One time I went to a friend’s house and we forgot to take our shoes off before going upstairs. Her mom made us get a bucket of soapy water and scrub the carpeted stairs, even though you couldn’t see any evidence of our shoes on them. Then I accidentally kicked the bucket of water down the stairs… I got invited back surprisingly but it was insane behavior.

    8. I think there’s a middle ground of not wanting to obsess over things every minute of every day but also taking decent care. I put trays under things that can leak or avoid putting them in rooms with wood floors altogether, don’t put wheeled chairs on wood, have pads on the furniture that does get moved a lot, and would put a rug in the area where my kids played (if I had kids). That really doesn’t seem like it takes much effort, and there are still plenty of noticeable scratches. My house is 100 years old and you can’t refinish floors an infinite number of times, so I feel like I should put in at least a minimal amount of work to keep the house in good shape.

      1. This is all fine, but it doesn’t require this kind of constant vigilance. Also there’s the option of just not refinishing the floors constantly because scratches are not that big of a deal, truly. A house that was made to last like a 100+ year old house is not supposed to look like something shiny just purchased at Target and that’s okay.

        1. I mean, this doesn’t require any constant vigilance. It’s stuff we did once, when we moved in and decided where to put everything, and haven’t thought about since.

          1. This is what I believe in. What OP’s DH is doing is stressing everyone out about the floors on a continual basis, which is different to me.

            I put felt pads on the furniture legs and also replaced the desk chair’s wheels when we moved in so I wouldn’t have to worry about that stuff as much either.

    9. I mean, you should take some care with hardwood. I don’t need to live in a showroom but I don’t love preventable scratches everywhere. My houseplants are on little stands. I have felt on the bottom of chairs (or little plastic booties than remind me of my grandma’s house, for chairs that won’t keep felt on the bottom). I avoid wearing heels indoors.

      I wouldn’t scold a small child for playing on wood floors but I would probably redirect them to a different, carpeted area or rug.

      I would absolutely scold (ok not the right word but request they not, and think to myself they’re rude for doing it in the first place) an adult for bringing a rolling or otherwise scratchy chair from another room into a room with hardwood. An adult should know better. At my housewarming party, some guests slid my couch, which had plastic but not felt on the bottom, across my hardwood floors to rearrange it so kids could watch TV more comfortably. There’s a bunch of big ol scratches from that. I guess it’s my fault for not having a rug or felt bottoms yet but c’mon it’s a housewarming, I wasn’t 100% finished setting up. And don’t go rearranging furniture, or if you must then PICK IT UP don’t slide it 90 degrees across hardwood. I swear some people were raised in barns.

      1. Oh man, I would be LIVID. Agree with you completely that it’s OK to have boundaries with this stuff. I expect some wear and tear, that’s part of living in a house. But also, if it can be prevented pretty easily, then just … don’t do that?!

      2. It’s really weird that the guest moved a chair from one room to another without asking. I could see pulling out the desk chair if it was in the same room and there was nowhere else to sit, but not dragging in a chair from another room. The husband is justified in being annoyed.

        And moving a couch? Yikes!

    10. Are your floors on their last refinish? Floors can only be refinished so many times before they need to be entirely replaced.

      Are your floors old and original? (Like to a Victorian home)

      1. Our home was built in the 1940s, mid-century modern. They are original and we are the first to refinish them.

    11. He probably fixates on this because it is permanent damage, whereas being messy and disorganized is temporary and can be easily rectified. I have similar feelings about my floors and other lasting marks in my house…it activates my (real) OCD and makes me feel panicky inside. I am also somewhat messy and disorganized, but they feel like totally different categories to me. The scratches on the floor lead me to a “what if” spiral, because with a little more care they could be avoided.

      I know floors CAN be refinished, but it’s a whole lot of prep work (packing and moving everything out!) aside from the expense.

      The solution, though, is rugs. Have rugs in every room of your house, definitely in the high traffic areas. And then maybe he needs a little CBT / exposure therapy to convince himself that these marks are actually proof of a good, full life, and accidents happen.

    12. Am I the only person who thinks that so long as you are starting with good quality wood flooring, the patina of age is something to be cherished? I don’t mean gouges and big scrapes, just ordinary wear and tear. When did people quit liking nice old things that actually look old? I like antique furniture, rugs, and art, so maybe that’s the difference?

      1. This is where I fall (also with a 1940s house). I do take preventive steps to prevent big gouges and scrapes, and I use good floor cleaner (Pallmann). I make sure the legs (or wheels) of all furniture are floor safe so I don’t have to worry as much about it. But I don’t actually want my old, nice things to look brand new. I kind of want the look money can’t buy that only comes with time?

        The only floor mishap I’m actually upset about is discoloration from a pet accident in my husband’s office that he somehow failed to notice for too long but which I noticed the first time I went in his office when it was already too late. That will bother me forever since I would have caught it and cleaned it in time, but it’s not going to help anything if I nag about it now, my husband won’t magically become the kind of person who notices things, and the pet is no longer with us since that was the start of a decline, so it’s just kind of sad now.

    13. It does seem irritating. I’d 100% scold my kid under the guise of “house rules” but for a guest? That’s obnoxious.

  16. Seriously so, so tired of my email address not saving. I haven’t even navigated away from this page!

    3. Thank you guys for your patience (and for reading) — we basically have to move to a totally new host (again) because we can’t determine/tweak the caching problem that is preventing this. CMoms should be moving today or tomorrow I think, and once we get that set up the way we like we can do the same with Corporette. I hired the tech guys who work with Alison at Ask a Manager, so here’s hoping…

      1. glad to hear that a solution might be coming! It makes all the difference imo.

  17. Another wood flooring question. DH and I had pre-finished planks installed in our kitchen about 12-13 years ago. They still look pretty good overall, but there are deep scratches, and wear and tear in the finish around our table. At what point do we refinish them? And is the process the same with factory-finished planks? I guess I’m concerned about screwing them up, even though the care instructions say they can be refinished 2-3 times during their lifetime. They are real wood, not engineered.

    1. What are your plans for the kitchen overall? Any future renovations planned? Most pre-finished planks now a days get one, maybe two refinishes so I’d consider waiting if you are planning a big remodel and want to change the look. I’d also talk to a flooring refinisher as the deep scratches might not come out. Again, more floors just have such a thinner veneer of “pretty” wood than the older options.

    2. You can get a wood putty at the hardware store to fill in the scratches (like you would with holes in drywall, but you don’t sand it down afterwards you wipe it away with a damp cloth), and then blend it with wood pens made for dings on furniture. It’s not perfect but it’s not such an eyesore.

  18. I make a kind of weird dish for the freezer and I’m wondering if any seasoning might be better than taco seasoning, which triggers my acid reflux — the dish includes ground beef (1lb), onion (.5), beef bouillion (2 cubes), rice (1 cup), frozen riced cauliflower (bag), black or red beans (can), broccoli slaw (4 cups), and sometimes spinach. makes 6 huge servings.

    1. What in the taco seasonings ng is the trigger? My instinct is a Cajun blend, but it might also be a trigger.

    2. This is rough, as I would say indian spices, but there will be a lot of overlap with taco seasoning. Cumin is used in all the spices mentioned, and is so nice with beef that I would be testing that spice first. Avoid cayenne.

      I think you need to start doing systematic testing of different spices/herbs in a small single serving until you know.

      Or you could just try sprinkling a different fresh herb on top after cooking. I might try cilantro.

  19. Where are we finding good quality sweaters in solid neutrals these days?

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