How to Respond to Patronizing Comments at Work

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I saw an interesting take on how to respond if someone says something patronizing to you, and realized: I don't think we've ever had that exact discussion here on the site! We've talked about back-handed compliments at the office and offensive clients, as well as what to do when your boss tells you to smile, but not really about how to respond to patronizing comments from superiors, juniors, clients, or others. So: what are your best tips? (Care to share any war stories?)

How to Respond to Patronizing Comments at Work

#1. Upgrade the insult.

This is the advice that actually got me thinking about this — there was a story on MSN a week or two ago by communications expert Dorie Clark, who broke down one of Dolly Parton's best responses to insults: to upgrade the insult.

She cited a Barbara Walters-Dolly Parton exchange as a great example:

“Dolly,” she began. “Where I come from, would I have called you a hillbilly? … When I think of hillbillies, am I thinking of your kind of people?” 

Dolly replied: “I think you probably are,” she replied. “But we were very proud people, people with a lot of class. It was country class, but it was a great deal of class. And most of my people were not that educated, but they are very, very intelligent. Good common sense — horse sense, we called it.”

Clark broke down some times you can use this at work that are great:

The label upgrade has two parts. First, you accept what they've said as accurate (assuming that it is — otherwise, you can dispute their premise). Then, you redefine what it means. It could sound like: 

• “You're right, I am new here. That's what allows me to see things that no one else notices anymore, and find the opportunities you might be overlooking.” 
• “It's true I don't have an MBA. That means I've had to learn through experience and working directly with our customers. That's why I feel so confident about the features they'll want.” 
• “You're right, I don't know anything about engineering. But neither do most of our customers. So if you can't explain it to me, they'll have a hard time understanding it, too.” 
• “It's true I've never worked in a large corporation before. That means I've had to learn not just how to do my job, but how to get results, even if that means pitching in to help another department. That's why I feel so strongly we can't just blame the sales department.” 

Love this advice! I can see it working with some of those comments women get…

“You're intimidating” –> “Thank you! I’ve worked hard on my executive presence.”

“We must be overpaying you if you can buy that [car, handbag, etc]” –> “You pay me what I'm worth.” (OR: “You should see what I charge my other clients! For you, a special deal.”)

#2. Make them sit with what they said.

This doesn't work in every situation — it's better in a casual conversation or when a patronizing comment comes from a peer or subordinate — but a great way to handle it is to make them sit with what they said.

For example:

• What a weird thing to say out loud (for one-off comments)
• What do you mean by that?
• (if it's a “joke”): I don't get it, why don't you explain it to me

#3. Push back directly.

Readers have had a lot of great advice over the years in comments. One reader even noted:

I get this type of thing too a lot, but in perhaps a more obviously gendered way. I think the sassy retort said in a light and joking tone of voice is the way to go. It pushes back and refuses to let the commentary stand without being overtly aggressive. Also, it forces the person to realize at least a bit that it was an out-of-line comment, even if it was not intended as such.

My boss is the king of back handed sexist/ageist compliments. (“Wow, I am surprised your staff likes you so much despite the fact that you’re still a little girl in the business”) In a crowded room, I will make a quip back but when alone I try to address at least one of these a meeting in a serious way. Any advice on how better to handle?

I think that's the right breakdown: a sassy quip with a smile in a crowded room, but a more serious discussion if you're 1:1.

Readers, what are your thoughts? What kind of patronizing comments do you get today? What's your favorite response tactic?

Stock photo via Pexels / Yan Krukau.