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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
High-waisted pants are coming back in, and this $68 pair looks like a great option to try the trend for a reasonable price (although, as I've noted before, high-waisted skirts can be a bit easier to get the fit right). The trick to a high-waisted style is pairing it with the right top — you don't want too much volume. Look instead for slim t-shirts and blouses that are easily tucked, or even look for a great bodysuit (J.Crew has a ton of them right now, for some reason). Cropped tops are almost never appropriate for the office, but if layered with a tank top and a high-waisted bottom like this (so, no skin showing), they just might work. (More like this one or this one, NOT this one.) The pictured trousers are $68, come in sizes 0-12, and are available in four colors (with some sizes and colors selling out already). Popper Waist Peg Trousers
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Anon
I am working on being more assertive in client meetings and having a more commanding presence as a result of some recent feedback. Has anyone else successfully done this and if so, what did you find to be most effective?
Clementine
Don’t apologize for unnecessary stuff.
Be okay with silence. Let them feel the empty space, don’t feel like you need to.
Figure out what you need to feel like a bad a– lady. For me, it’s black eyeliner and heels. It makes me feel powerful. When I’m wearing flats, I don’t get the same vibe. Do you have a thing? Maybe it’s a certain pen or a certain place you sit.
SW
This is good advice! For me, I always raise my chair up so I sit as tall as possible. It makes me feel like I’m more in charge.
Anonymous
I like to lean back and relax in a chair, broad shoulders. Makes me feel like ‘come at me, bro’.
Anonymous
For people you are giving instructions to, tell don’t ask. “Please do x” instead of “Can you do X for me” or (shudder) “would you mind…” NO.
For clients, try to keep the filler words out when you are talking. “Well, looking this over, I really feel like”. NO. “We can get this to you by the end of the week.”
Don’t speculate, “I know this sounds crazy but” “You must think I’m nuts” “I know you hate to hear this but”. Just deliver your information without assigning an emotional burden to it.
Pay attention to where the power of your sentences is. (This is not a man/woman thing, this is an authority thing.) If you’re hemming and indecisive or waiting for consensus as you think aloud you will seem ineffective. State facts. Make decisions. Guide your client. You are paid to know how to do tasks, define the scope and timeline and resources as needed and then execute.
anon
You are good! Not the OP, but thank you.
Anonymous
Did they give you specific examples of what you’re doing wrong or suggestions for things to do better? If not, don’t be afraid to go back and ask. Because the feedback you’ve reported here is unhelpful and super gendered. Women are either told they lack confidence/aren’t assertive/some other euphemism for “we ignore you because you’re the only woman in the room and somehow that’s your fault because it can’t possibly be ours”, or women are told they’re shrill/too aggressive/some euphemism for b*tch.
Anonymous
This x10000000
OP
Yes, we talked specifics at length and it’s from someone who supports me and someone I trust. We also talked suggestions for a while. The conversation hit on things I think I’ve known I want to change, so I’d like to source ideas and input on how to build authority. I won’t speak to other people’s experiences, but I don’t think it’s helpful or reasonable for me to write this off as a gender based thing with no merit. I think a man in my situation would have been told the same thing, and I know it does happen in my office.
Anonymous
What ARE the specifics? It’s easier for us to give us help if we know specifically what you’re dealing with.
Anon
Fair. A lot of it was being better at controlling/ directing the conversation and gently interrupting to redirect as necessary. A general point about tone sounding unsure when I talk that is sometimes a tone thing and sometimes an issue of not being specific enough when I talk. I only do this sometimes, so I think a lot of it is just being uncomfortable with talking in general and a tendency to defer to others in meetings. There was another point about being more assertive when I’m being challenged.
Anon
A lot of that comes down to practice, at least for me. Can you seek out situations where you’ll need to be assertive to get that practice? I promise that it will get easier.
Anonymous
For me, it is about being as prepared as I can ahead of time. That’s when I feel confident and can be more assertive. Are you the only one from your office in the client meetings? I do a really poor job of just deferring to my boss when we’re in client meetings together, when I should really speak up. Especially because I’m usually more of a technical expert about the subject matter, while he is the big picture expert. Therefore, I have grown a lot by having more meetings and telephone calls on my own without him.
Tippis
I agree, be prepared! I listened to the HBR Women at Work podcast discussion about this. They pointed out that women often cram our schedules too full, then rush off to a meeting without adequate time to prepare/strategize for it. I know I’m guilty of it.
Anonymous
Be yourself. I think it’s time we re-examine this gendered piece of advice.
Anon
Herself has been socialized since birth (presumably) to be feminine, which in many cases means yielding, polite, and passive, so it’s not as simple as that. It’s not simple for any of us.
Anonymous
A lot of women and men take leadership training – I think there are online courses for it.
Anon
Work on alternatives to “I’m sorry” for minor mistakes or interactions. A few ideas:
“Oh great, thanks for catching that typo.”
“Let’s get a second set of eyes on this to catch any errors before we submit.”
“I appreciate the reminder – I almost forgot about the meeting.”
“Unfortunately, the shop didn’t have your favorite bagel today.”
“Thanks so much for waiting. The bus was late.”
Anonymous
Yes I agree! This is good too because you can set up a team expectation that we’re all pulling together to make the best product. Being glad they caught your mistakes is an important aspect of that. “Thanks for pointing that out.”
Anon
I forgot to add that this is also important when you are turning down a request from someone else. Instead of “I’m sorry, I can’t do that right now.”, Try “unfortunately, I won’t be able to help you out right now.”
lawsuited
A young male colleague once told me “you always say “Right. Thanks.” instead of “Sorry”.” which I took as a sign that I’m doing something right. (Thanks.)
I Know What I Speak Of
This is not something I’ve done, but this is something I would recommend to any woman who wants to come across as more assertive and powerful. Record yourself talking. Just record yourself having a normal conversation (ask a friend if they’d mind having a regular conversation recorded, or rehash a work conversation with yourself.)
Now listen to yourself. How do you sound?
Do you end every statement with that little uplift at the end that sounds like you’re asking a question? Do you have a bad case of vocal fry? (Don’t know what that is? Google it and listen to examples.) Do you sound uncertain or use a lot of filler words (like, um, and ah?) Do you giggle a lot when you speak?
Did you say yes to any of those questions?
That’s where you want to focus. All of those things make you come across as weak and uncertain. You could have the most powerful body language, be wearing the most incredible suit and shoes and have your hair and makeup absolutely on point, but the second you open your mouth and what you say comes out sounding like you’re Meek the Mouse, all your credibility and assertiveness flies right out the window.
It takes work. It takes concentration. But it’s worth it. I promise.
P
I have to disagree with a lot of this advice. I’m known as one of the more confident and assertive associates in my biglaw office, yet I am often using filler words, apologizing for stuff, and self-deprecating.
However, I am really quick to jump into conversations with a half-baked idea!
I think practice is really the best option. If you had unlimited time and resources to address this issue, I might look into a theater coach to practice with you and give you feedback.
DC party
I have a milestone birthday (40) coming up in April and am looking for ideas on what to do and where to hold the party. I’m in DC. I want to do some sort of celebration with friends, as opposed to a big trip with my family. I also know that I want the party to include kids, including my own. I probably expect about 40-50 people.
My thought was to rent some type of hall with outdoor space for kids to roam around, cater dinner, drink wine, and hang out with everyone. But I’m open to any and all ideas. Should there be entertainment? Something else? And I really have no idea on venues around here. I live in upper NW DC.
I’m the first of my friends to become 40 so I have never been to a 40th birthday party. Thanks!
BC
If you want to include kids, you might want to consider a brunch party. A lot of hotels have brunch options, either in their restaurants or sometimes a private room with a buffet, which would be kid-friendly.
Anonymous
brunch party is fun, especially a late lunch if you want a restaurant. re kids – what is the average age of kids and range of age for kids in your friends group?
anne-on
+1 – we did my husband’s 40th at a local gastropub/beer hall type place and bought it out. A lot of local spots were much more open to doing this for lunch/brunch as opposed to dinner. We booked for 4 hours, and hired some kids entertainment (a sitter and magician/face painter) for the kids for 2 hours in the middle of the party to give the adults some solid time to mingle and catch up. If you can afford it, I’d highly suggest also booking a photographer – it was really nice to get some updated extended family photos!
Katie
Mellow Mushroom in AdMo has a cool second floor space that can be rented out. Everyone digs pizza, especially kids, but it also has a bar for the adults.
Anonymous
I had my wedding brunch at District ChopHouse which has a cool basement called the Vault. a nice enclosed space all to yourself where the kids can do whatever. breakfast was very tasty and prices were reasonable.
anon a mouse
Glen Echo or Burke Lake parks would be great for a fun party with indoor/outdoor options. You could also look at restaurants with outdoor space where you could rent the patio.
Or you could do something that emphasizes your youthful energy like a trampoline park. Ha.
Murz
I’ve been looking for a reason to throw a big party just because I think big bear cafe would be such a perfect venue. Check out their website–their event pics are amazing. Maybe a brunch or dinner there?
Tetra
Last time I was at Midlands (indoor/outdoor beer garden in DC), some folks were having a birthday party with some kids in attendance. They have corn hole and some other games I think. You can bring in your own food there too. It would be a low-key party, but definitely fun.
OP
Thank you all for the great suggestions so far, please keep them coming!
Anonymous
The Hill Center in Eastern Market could be a nice choice
Anonymous
Colvin Mill has stuff for the kid’s and surprisingly good set-ups for a party.
Or how about chartering a boat for some kind of tour? You’d want to make sure it had plenty of room, and set up some kind of space for the kids.
RGH
Watching the Emmys this week, I noticed that most celebrities part their hair in the middle, and in real life I don’t think I’ve known any adult to wear their hair (bob, long, etc) parted straight down the middle, whether pulled back or worn down. Most “real people” wear side parts. Anybody want to chime in?
Anonymous
I part my hair down the middle and always have. I’m 34.
Anonymous
me too.
Anonymous
Same here.
Anon
Me too.
Anonymous
Me too. I am 35 and have long, layered hair. When I wear it down I always part it in the middle. Sometimes when I wear it back in a low ponytail I part it on the side.
Anonymous
The trend comes and goes. When it’s trendy I see people parting their hair in the middle. Most people have a natural part on one side. It’s much easier to let your hair do what it wants to do than force it to part somewhere unnatural, but it can be done with enough products and determination.
Anonymous
My natural part is in the middle…I’ve tried a side part but it always goes back to the middle by the end of the day.
KW
Me too. Or if I try to part it on the side, it hangs in my face and drives me crazy all day.
Anonymous
A center part is one of those extreme, out-of-date, unflattering styles that looks either frumpy or costumey on real people in real life, even if a perfectly styled celebrity can pull it off for an event.
Anonymous
You sound lovely.
Anonymous
Why the personal attack 1032? Not ok. She’s just talking about hair.
Anonymous
Please. She called us middle-parters frumpy,out of date and wearing an unflattering hair style. That’s a personal attack too..
anon
Well, because she just said that a bunch of *people* are presenting themselves in an extreme, out of date unflattering frumpy way. It was rude. Even if she was talking about hair, she just said something pretty insulting. Not okay.
Anonymous
It’s totally ok to say a hairstyle that looks great on celebrities on camera looks strange in real life. It’s also fine to disagree and say it looks fantastic in real life. But to disparage her as a person? With a sarcastic lovely? Not ok.
Anonymous
Saying a hairstyle is out of date and unflattering is personal? I really think I need a break from this world.
Anonymous
I don’t think people are responding to “it looks better on celebrities than real people.” Most things do. But she called an entire group of women, including a bunch who commented here, “extremely out of date, unflattering and frumpy.” That’s nasty!
Anon
Sweetie, if you can’t handle a sarcastic “lovely” then I think you should not be on the internet.
anon
“It’s totally ok to say a hairstyle that looks great on celebrities on camera looks strange in real life.”
Yeah but that’s not really what she said. Literacy, it’s a life long skill!
Anon
And your attitude is extreme, out of date, and unflattering. Bye!
E
I part mine in the middle and always have, but I have bangs.
lydia
I part my hair in the middle…lob with pretty blunt bangs. I have straight hair fwiw.
Anon
Same. This is the style that looks best for me and always has.
A suggestion to the people with extreme reactions to middle parts in this thread: If you don’t like it, don’t do it.
Anonymous
Recent middle part convert here, happened when I went balayage blonde (from brunette/side part). Just looks better, but can’t seem to pinpoint why.
lsw
Literally yesterday I tried styling my hair yesterday by letting it part naturally in the middle and I looked like Mugatu. I know that’s not directly relevant but it is the truth. (I have short hair, pixie length on the side and longer on top for curls)
Anonymous
googled Mugatu… DYING laughing.
Anonymous
+1
Never too many shoes...
I am promiscuous with my part and go between both sides and the middle (which is my natural part). For big appearances, I will often wear my hair straight with a middle part and pulled back – it makes me feel really badass somehow.
So yes, real people sometimes wear a middle part.
Anonymous
I part my hair wherever it tells me it will part on a given day. I have no control… Luckily it seems to work out. It’s usually on the side, but not as deep as I’d like. But also not worth the battle to get it to stay…
anon
I have a square jaw and feel like it is more flattering to part my hair slightly off center, between the middle and side. So, technically it’s a high side part. :)
South Asian
Women from South Asia have been parting their hair in the middle and braiding it for millenia. Never out of style.
Anonymous
I just saw something on how it supposedly ages you. I have a very round face and my soho hair stylist guy always tried to get me to part it in the middle when I was younger, but now that i’m older I feel like a far left part looks better.
Seafinch
I am not militant about it but do often part in the middle. I have a sharply angled bob. I just had this conversation with my hair stylist (who does a local celebrities and it quite good). She said, it is a minority who can pull it off and it has everything to do with face shape and hair style but she confirms mine looks great. (I change my part depending on hair length)
anon
I have a pixie with a deep side part. On longer hair, I honestly barely notice where people part their hair. I think you have to do what works for your hair type and facial shape.
Anon
My middle part only exists for low sleek ponytails or buns. For some reason when my hair is down with a middle part, if curly I look like a child, if straightened, it covers the ends of my eyebrows and throws my whole face off balance. It’s a no for me most of the time.
Leah
Center parts look great on symmetrical faces, which are considered attractive. Thus, common for people in an industry that expects a certain level of beauty.
Anon
+1. Or rather, a center part emphasizes if your face is NOT symmetrical, which is considered to be less attractive. So most non-models and non-celebrities avoid a center part to avoid drawing attention to the “flaws” of their face.
Out of Place Engineer
I’m rocking the late 90s (?) zig-zag part today. I usually part to straight the left, but find that this gives me more volume on day 2 hair.
Pesh
Anna Wintour’s signature hair style is a part down the center, so it can’t be that out of style. I part on the side because it looks better with my facial features, but I think a center part is pretty timeless.
Anon
Generally speaking, movie stars are stars because they’re extraordinarily attractive. Maybe also good at acting, but particularly for women, attractiveness leads.
Our minds interpret facial symmetry as beauty. A center part looks best on faces with a high degree of facial symmetry (one side of the face is nearly an exact mirror image of the other.)
Most of us mere mortals do not have perfect facial symmetry so a side part tends to look better on us. Most women subconsciously choose a part that aligns with their “better” side. Even if we do not choose it, a hairdresser will tend to choose it for us without even thinking about it.
anon
My hair stylist told me at my last appointment that the center part is currently on trend. I haven’t parted my hair in the middle since back before I knew how to style it, so I was very hesitant to try a center part since I associate it with that. But I’ve been parting it in the middle for a couple of weeks now and actually like it. It is part of an intentional style, and as such, looks intentional.
Anon
I’m a “real” person and I have always parted my hair down the middle. Don’t know what to tell ya.
Anon
I’m genuinely curious about this: I’ve heard of people doing two master’s degrees or two terminal degrees. Has anyone here done two bachelor’s degrees? (Not simultaneously.) If so, how did people react? Or, how would you look at someone who did two? Assume they’re in very different disciplines.
Curious because of a friend’s situation. She did a bachelor’s while battling serious illness. Didn’t enjoy or feel challenged by her major. She didn’t switch at the time because her major was structured to have classes only 2-4 days per week, which was helpful for appointments. She also didn’t know if the illness would ever subside and needed a major and field that wouldn’t be demanding.
She graduated and joined the corporate world. Since then, she’s made an unexpected recovery health wise. She’s now thinking about going back to school and starting fresh. She knows the first semester(s) may be rough because she hasn’t been challenged intellectually in a decade. She’d probably go back to her alma mater for a year and then transfer. FWIW she’d be hesitant to mention any of this. Just included the backstory for you all.
Anonymous
It’s not usually done because a bachelor’s is typically a spring board for grad school. Why take on more coursework for a less prestigious degree when you could get a graduate degree in less time?
The only way this might make sense is if she’s trying to get into STEM and doesn’t have the background for it. Like if you were an English major and now you want to be a chemical engineer, then yeah you probably can’t go right into grad school. But if she wants a business degree or something then just get an MBA.
Anon
I don’t think most schools would allow it, meaning they would deny you admission to a standard undergraduate degree program if you already have one. I happen to know of at least one school that expressly offers a second bachelor’s option, but I don’t think it makes sense to do it unless you are targeting a very specific career path, e.g., nursing. Even in that case, there are probably graduate or post-bac programs that are more geared toward individuals shifting fields.
Anon
I don’t know anyone who had done it, but wouldn’t think it was odd if it was a large change to a field where you needed the bachelor’s degree. For example, if she has a liberal arts degree and is going back for a science, engineering, nursing or accounting degree. It if was to get another liberal arts degree, I might be more likely to think it was unnecessary/a little odd, but I probably wouldn’t give it much thought.
Anonymous
Based on the story, I’d say you’re overthinking it. It sounds like she wants a new intellectual challenge, maybe something out of the ordinary to celebrate her health? Corporate world also makes me wonder if she gets tuition reimbursement for it, so it’s free, so why not? Sounds like she’s getting a second BA like other people download DuoLingo on their phones to learn a new language. I wouldn’t really think much of it personally.
Cb
I think it depends on what field. Are you going from a marketing degree to something that requires a specialised BA, like nursing or engineering? Yes, that makes total sense. Are you going to do another liberal arts degree? Eh, sounds like a waste of money.
I had a friend in a similar situation – did a BA while dealing with an eating disorder, took some time to recover, and went back and did another degree in social work. She talks about it quite a lot which I think is a bit strange, particularly since she went on to do a terminal degree.
I wouldn’t worry about the intellectual challenge – she might need to brush up on her academic writing skills but first year courses aren’t massively strenuous.
Anon
I’ve known several people that have done something like this. My cousin started in nursing, decided it was too demanding and she wanted to party (her words not mine), and switched to something way less demanding. When it came time to graduate, she realized that she wanted to be a nurse and had taken none of the pre-reqs, so she had another three years to get the nursing degree.
Anonymous
Is she sure that a second bachelor’s would even be permitted? When I was preparing for grad school, I noticed that most colleges would not permit someone with an existing degree to enroll in a bachelor’s degree program. If she wants coursework in a different field, she could look into postbac programs that would allow her to take courses for credit without working towards a degree. Some postbac programs are very specialized (e.g., premed), but others are more open-ended.
She also needs to have a very clear idea of her goals and how going back to school will help her achieve those goals. Going back to school is difficult and expensive, especially if she gives up a full-time job. As a nontraditional student, she will not have the same social experience that she would have had as a traditional undergrad. There may be very little career benefit to additional coursework, unless it qualifies her for a completely different career (e.g., liberal arts major with no coding skills taking computer science classes). If she is trying to make a career change, she also needs to know what career services will be available to her.
mascot
By starting fresh, do you mean that she wants to go into a different line of work and the only way to do that is by getting a different degree? Could that same goal be accomplished by some additional training or select coursework? So many people are doing jobs that have nothing to do with their undergrad degree. I couldn’t tell you what most of the people I know got their degree in without looking at their LinkedIn profile.
Picking up an extra bachelor’s just because you didn’t like your first one and you want to re-visit that experience is fine I guess assuming that you can afford to do so. I’m not going to judge people who do that. I’d challenge her to think about whether it is really necessary.
Anonymous
The only people I’ve known to do this were liberal arts majors who later became nurses. They were required to do a new nursing BA– not sure if this is always true, but it was true for their programs. FWIW they did the new BA in 1-2 years since they had a prior BA.
Anonymous
+1 a friend had a degree in economics and then wanted to become a doctor and had to do 2 years of school again for prerequisites and things.
Anonymous
I don’t think you can get a second bachelor’s unless its a post-bac type of program for entrance to medical/PA school. I had a friend who did a PhD in social sciences and decided to become a vet. She couldn’t find a post-bac, so she took community college courses to fulfill the science prerecs for vet school.
Perhaps remind your friend that anyone may take community college classes on a topic of interest, without enrolling in a formal degree program. There’s also the many online courses through Coursera, HarvardX, MITX, etc.
anon a mouse
What’s the new field? Unless it’s something like medicine where you need to have high grades in science classes, she could just seek out the masters in the new field. It would help her to meet professors in the program and have a really strong personal statement about both her past grades and her circumstances since then. The fact that she’s worked successfully for years should, in many cases, help offset her prior degree performance.
Godzilla
I know that CUNY will append the original bachelor’s to a dual major bachelor’s degree (if both degrees were earned at CUNY). I don’t think it’s that big a deal, although it is unusual.
Anonymous
If she’s totally changing her profession then it might be required to go back and do another bachelor degree. Like for engineering, nursing, a foreign language etc. If it’s not totally changing her field, then she may just need a couple courses to qualify for a masters’ program. I have a master’s degree in slightly different field from my BA and I just had to do two additional bachelor’s courses to qualify, not redo the whole degree in the subject matter. It would depending on what degree she has now, what degree she is interested in and which university.
SomeoneOutThere
I have a friend who majored in accounting and hated being an accountant, so she went back for an education degree. She’s now a happy teacher.
Anonymous
I know people who got dual bachelor degrees simultaneously from two different colleges in the same university. maybe she could ask her alma mater if any of the courses she took 10 years ago would count as prerequisites towards her degree?
Torin
I know a liberal arts major who later went back for engineering. It’s not common but people do it. I personally question whether the opportunity cost is worth it, even if you don’t have to take on debt. And debt might be the only way to pay for it, unless for some reason you just happen to have a ton of cash to spend on it, because I don’t think you can get financial aid for a second bachelors.
OP
Thank you for the input so far. I’ll share this thread with her! I should clarify a few points. The field of study will be very different. The examples of English/Liberal Arts/Marketing to Engineering/STEM are spot on. She has found several well ranked universities in the new field that allow second bachelor’s degrees. Some consider the original degree courses for transfer credit, so she may not have to start from 0 credits this time around. Depends on the school she ends up at.
anon
In that case, I think it makes sense.
In my experience, most STEM degrees require a pretty straight sequence of classes, so even if they will accept the transfer credits for her liberal arts requirements, it might not save her any time but could mean less classes per semester. If the school she really wants to go to won’t accept the transfer credits, she should really look in to how much they benefit her at her other options. She may find that the benefits of her chosen school outweigh that cons.
Anonymous
While you’re showing her this thread ask her if she minds you put her business out on the internet and asked a bunch of strangers to weigh in on whether it’s weird or not.
OP
I truly hope your day improves! That wasn’t the question asked, and she was supportive of the posting.
Anonymous
My day will improve when women stop trying to pick apart every detail of their friend’s or their husband (below)’s choices and allow others to make their own decisions instead of constant crowdsourcing which is really just an invitation for others to judge. Why can’t you let your friend make her own choices? You describe her journey with illness and even say that she would not mention it. Why would you?
Anonymous
I don’t think that’s fair. OP already said her friend was supportive of the posting. As for other similar posts, I think it’s fair to ask for help in giving a friend advice (that they’ve asked for). Nothing about this post seemed like OP was trying to give her friend unsolicited and unwanted advice.
WWF
Anon at 11:45 Then why are you even reading this site?
Anonymous
? It’s anon! I was actually thinking it was strange for OP to not specify the exact degrees/fields because who on earth would know who she is talking about if she said nursing/engineering/teacher/biology/whatever.
Godzilla
As an engineer, I wholeheartedly recommend her to pursue a STEM degree. We need more women. Join us!
anon a mouse
Depending on where she is, she may be able to enroll in specific courses without having to be degree-seeking. In my state, residents can take up to 12 hours of classes at a state school as a non-degree-seeking student. She could also try to get some of the basic coursework out of the way at a community college.
A second bachelors may have extra requirements like foreign language or literature that are great for students but not necessary for her to spend time or money on the second time around.
Anon
At my uni, the only way to gain access to some of the courses I’d need to take in order to pursue a masters (STEM – computer science) is to declare a major, which would be a second bachelors for me. There’s a chance I could roll some of those into the masters, but there is no way I could access the undergrad requirements I need as a non-degree seeking student. Bit of a bureaucratic nightmare, to be honest.
Anonymous
I did this (English to engineering), there was no financial aid, I took on the whole cost of in-state tuition as debt. Now 5 years out and have 0 regrets.
Anonymous
I know someone who has a bachelor’s in political science and a bachelor’s in geology. The person wanted a career change so went back to school for the geology degree.
Anonymous
I did two bachelors degrees, because the second enabled me to get advanced standing in masters program. It ended up being substantially cheaper. Since I attended school p/t during the time I got my bachelors, it didn’t save me time over all. But I think it was definitely the right choice. The whole second degree and masters degree thing was part of a career change, so I also liked that I was theoretically able to work in the field before completing my masters.
chi law
I know someone who did two bachelors degrees. He studied media, and that career did not work out. He went back to school maybe 6-8 years later and then became an accountant. Some of the gen eds transferred over thus not requiring an addition 4 full years. I believe he got an entry level job first and the company helped pay for the second degree. It worked out well for him.
Anon
I have two Bachelor’s degrees! One in literature, one in STEM. Double majoring was super common in my UC school. I’m surprised to hear all of these responses about it not being allowed; there would be no issue at my school. I also have an associate’s degree from accredited school that I got after the BS and BA. No issues. And also that was by far the most useful degree, so your friend should go for it!
cbackson
Double-majoring is different than completing one bachelor’s degree and then pursuing another one after the first one has been awarded. For whatever reason, the latter is not allowed at a number of institutions.
Anonymous
I have two separate bachelor’s degrees from two different colleges within a UC school as well, but earning two degrees at the same time is not at all the same as earning them sequentially.
EconomicsToSTEM
I did this after immigrating from Europe to Canada. First Bachelor’s in Ecnomics, second here in Canada in Computer Scince. I loved the experience – it was hard work but I was by far more motivated and better at organizing myself, prioritizing and all sort of skills, than most of my younger co-students. Employers loved getting someone with a recent STEM degree but the aturity and professionalism that comes with the age and experience. It was one of the best decisions I ever made.
I am not saying this is the case for everyone, but it seems a lot of people discover a passion for and interest in STEM later in life, when the labels and limits we were given as kids have worn off somewhat. If she hates it, she will learn it the first semester and change plans accordingly. If she loves it, she won’t regret it.
One disclaimer – the economic equation may change for people in the USA with the ridiculous costs of school there, I can’t speak to that.
Nesprin
Super late but yes, that’s a thing. I know someone who got her PhD, then after having kids got a second BS in an unrelated field and worked 30% related to PhD and 70% 2nd BS.
Anonymous
I know there have been a lot of conference posts lately, but please bear with me.
My industry has a weird non-dress code. Some people wear jeans and t-shirts to work, others wear ankle pants and blouses. When I first interviewed I wore a suit, but since then, I’ve never seen anyone here wear a suit. Things I think of as weekend or church clothes are pretty standard here, but anything business-y stands out.
I’m presenting at a regional conference in 2 weeks and have no idea what to wear. I’d go with a suit, but I’m pretty positive I’d be the only one there in a suit. Can I wear trouser jeans and a blazer? I’d wear a sheath dress, but I gained a some weight recently and mine are a little more snug than I’m comfortable with. Is there another go-to “I’m professional but this is not a suit” outfit? Thanks!
Anonymous
Wrap dress? You’d be able to adjust it with weight fluctuations to a certain extent, too.
Anonymous (OP)
I should probably just buy a wrap dress at this point. Frankly, I’m not sure why I don’t already own one! I’m on a bit of a budget so was hoping to get out of buying something new for this, but maybe I can find a sale.
anon
I would wear a solid colored dress and low heels in this case. Do you have any that you like? I have two Calvin Klein dresses and a few J Mclaughlin dresses that are workhorses and machine washable.
Anonymous
My work is similar, I wear a dress to present usually, but not structured ones – these days I’m into silk midi dresses with heels for presentations.
Anonymous
If I’m presenting, I would dress up compared to the average attendee. But I’ve presented at conferences that sound similar to your industry, and a suit would be out of place. I’ve worn:
1) elbow/three quarter length sleeved wrap dress
2) colorful (abstract red and purple), Calvin Klein scuba sheath dress with a black zip up blazer left open
3) Three quarter sleeve length fit and flare dress in black and grey
4) Black cap sleeve structured dress
If you’re going to be seated on a stool, I’d wear pants with a colorful top and a blazer or jardigan left open.
Good luck! I do a lot of presenting and training, and my #1 tip is to try the outfit and shoes on in various positions at home (seated, standing by yourself, standing with a podium/something in front of you, walking) in front of a mirror. Make sure your shirt doesn’t ride up if you raise your hands to emphasize a point and be sure you can comfortably stand and walk in your shoes. I also make sure my shoes don’t make noise as I feel uncomfortable to hear the click clack of shoes as I approach a podium or the front of the room.
Anonymous
I’m in STEM, trouser jeans and a blazer sound fine to me. A nice blouse and nice dark pants would also be fine.
Adjusting to a new city
I recently moved to the city I grew up near after spending my first decade post-college in DC. I wanted to move back to be closer to family, and I am happy to be able to see them more, but I’m struggling with adjusting. I want to join groups and meet new friends, I want to start dating, I want to make a good impression at my new job (which requires longer hours than my last job), etc. It just feels like a lot of challenges to be taking on at once, and less of a “this is a new exciting chapter in my life” situation and more like a “I’m really overwhelmed and just trying to get through each day” situation. I’d really appreciate any tips or words of wisdom.
Anonymous
1) say yes to every invitation you get
2) but give yourself time to adjust to the new job before trying to date/find friends too
Cb
I am in a different life place but feel you. I’m in academia and I’m in my grad school city but all my grad school friends have left. I do daycare dropoff but apparently 8am is dadzone so I haven’t met any of the moms.
I think you might need to break it into steps. Each week, commit to one social event, one family thing, and one work thing (even if it is just stepping away from your desk to join the office lunch). Have you read MWF seeking BFF? Some good ideas there.
Anonymous
It’s ok to tell yourself you don’t have to do it all at once. You can lean into work for a while til you feel like you have your feet under you, then add activities and dating as you feel like it.
Anon
Good article in the Huffington Post today – “Everything You Know About Obesity is Wrong.” I have so many friends and family members who’ve endured these harmful, useless comments from doctors. I’ve been “lucky” to be spared most of it because I’m “only” slightly overweight myself, but my parents did a lot of damage to my self-esteem in my teenage years when I gained normal weight in puberty. We have a lot of work to do to change attitudes and pursue evidence-based approaches to health.
https://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/everything-you-know-about-obesity-is-wrong/
Anon
Honestly, I think some of our problem is the “pound a week” advice. That’s too much, unless one is morbidly obese. Try a half pound a week at most.
By math, if you lose a pound a week, you have a 500 calorie/day deficit. I don’t know how that doesn’t change your metabolism.
The people I know who lost, and kept off, significant weight took years – like, three years to lose 70 lbs, 2 years to lose 50 lbs. They also did it by adding consistent exercise that wasn’t too much at once (think 3 mile walk/runs 3 times a week, then building slowly from that).n
Anon
+1 Honestly the best measurement is SOME weight loss per month (even if its just 2 to 3 pounds most months for several months in a row), increased muscle to fat ratio from some form of strength training, and better health stats to the extent you have weight related medical issues.
Torin
The personal stories there are so sad. But the author’s understanding of the medical history of the understanding of scurvy is really just wrong. Vitamin C wasn’t discovered until 1930. The idea that there was a conspiracy in the medical establishment refused to allow sailors to prevent scurvy for 300 years is silly.
Anon
Did you see the part about James Lind’s clinical trial (one of the first ever) showing that citrus fruits prevented scurvy in the 1700s?
Sarabeth
The article is not wrong, although it simplifies Lind’s experiment and conclusions a bit. The discovery of Vitamin C was not necessary to make a connection between citrus fruit and scurvy, much like Mendel could describe genetics without knowing about DNA. If you want to read more, here’s an article from the Science History Institute: https://www.sciencehistory.org/distillations/magazine/the-age-of-scurvy
Torin
You can get vitamin C from a lot of sources, not just citrus. The Norwegian expedition to the south pole staved off scurvy by eating fresh and frozen seal meat. They didn’t know why the seal meat prevented scurvy, they just knew it did. They didn’t have access to and didn’t eat fruit for their entire expedition.
The point is that the mechanism was not understood until vitamin C was discovered, and no one was sitting around intentionally refusing to give sailors fresh fruit because they didn’t want to prevent scurvy, like the author implies. She used the word negligence. It wasn’t negligence, it was ignorance.
Anonymous
Yes. They were. What, you gotta great uncle navy doctor or something? They knew citrus worked, even if they didn’t know how, and decided not to give it because of cost.
Sarabeth
Negligence and ignorance aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive, and the overall depiction of the history of scurvy in the original article is more nuanced than you are suggesting. The author writes that “every discovery in public health, no matter how significant, must compete with the traditions, assumptions and financial incentives of the society implementing it.”
The point, as I see it, is that ignorance isn’t just an automatic or neutral outcome of the failure to have done the right experiments to find the correct answers; ignorance is a product of many things, including the failure to examine evidence already collected, or to incorporate that evidence into practice. And at some point, that ignorance itself becomes negligence.
anon
Great article, thanks for sharing.
I don’t know why the author chose to include the story of the person who binge eats ice cream pints and replaces them so nobody knows they are missing. Seems to undermine the main message of the article, which I understood to be that there are many people who are overweight despite best intentions and extreme actions (eg starvation).
Anonymous
right. The ritz cracker lady wasn’t very sympathetic either. Of course you’re suffering on this terrible diet of carbs and sugar! Eat less but eat protein!
Anonymous
Because people aren’t perfect. That’s reality.
Anon
I think the point was that if she could just eat the food normally without being shamed and stigmatized, maybe she wouldn’t eat the whole container at night trying to hide it. Like if she could just have a single scoop after dinner every night she wouldn’t eat an entire pint secretly and then replace it. But she’s too ashamed to do that.
Anon
The point was to show the shame and stigma related to eating and how “well-intentioned” comments from other people (or fear of them) drives unhealthy behaviors. When you’re fat, you can’t just eat a scoop of ice cream in front of someone else – you get judgmental stares 100% of the time, if not “helpful” comments. Being unable to enjoy normal portions of food like thin people get to drives shame, stigma, and stress responses, which can result in secretive binge eating. The article addresses all of that.
Anonymous
I guess the part I hate is: so now what? I’m struggling with my weight and I get it. But IF I can manage to cut my calories like ritz cracker lady I will lose weight as long as I keep it up (which won’t be long bc I’ll binge). That’s true whether I’m eating 1000 calories of organic kale and olive oil or ritz crackers. So it’s really my willpower that fails you know?
Sarabeth
Except it’s unreasonable to think that your willpower won’t fail in that situation. There are very few people who can deal with being hungry all the time, or eating such a restricted diet. The vast majority of thin people aren’t thin because of superior willpower, they are thin because their metabolism works such that they are satisfied by eating the amount of food required to maintain that weight.
Or at least, that’s true of me. I have a socially approved body size, and mediocre willpower. I hate being hungry and will eat anything that I have a craving for. For me, doing that results in being thin. For other people, the exact same responses to bodily cues result in being fat. The difference has nothing to do with willpower.
Anon
Yeah I didn’t understand the parallel to scurvy. With scurvy, there was a clear “do this and get better” message that supposedly was ignored for years. With obseity, what’s the clear message that’s being missed? What “cure” are obese people not being told?
The author touched on it being a systemic issue that prevents people from being able to eat less and move more, which is pretty clear to most obese people already. McDonalds is cheap, easy, and readily available. Fresh cut fruits and vegetables are none of that. Long commutes and punishing work hours zap hours and energy, leaving less of both that could be used for exercise and movement. This isn’t new news. And it’s also not something that is fixable by any of the obese people mentioned. So what’s the point?
Anonymous
Right and also they say I can eat better and move more to get healthier but I won’t lose weight? Oh great, how helpful, thanks!
Anon
The point is that trying the same thing over and over (dieting, shaming, blaming) hasn’t worked so why is the medical community sticking with the same point of view and not trying new ideas?
Anonymous
I thought the message of the article was that it’s okay to be fat as long as you eat healthy and work out, and there’s no point in trying to lose weight because that’s impossible.
Anonymous
but quitting smoking also isn’t ‘easy’ yet we still expect people to take responsibility for their own health and just do that. Healthy eating is no different. No one said it’s cheap, easy or readily available. That’s just current reality. It doesn’t mean that so many people should be shrugging and ordering fast food.
The expectations in this article are so strange – like the overweight guy who complained that his doctor told him to exercise but he never told her that he was doing it already because she didn’t ask.
Doctors aren’t psyhic – they need to know how much and when you eat, and how much and when you exercise to understand what appropriate health recommendations to make such as referrals to registered dieticians, physical therapists or psychologists (for emotional eating issues). Clearly doctors need more education on nutrition but patients also have to accept responsiblity to take care of their health.
It’s been known for decades that fad diets don’t work. Eating healthy is a lifelong change like quitting smoking so it needs to be done in an appropriate and achieveable way. That doesn’t mean it will be fun or easy. Eat a reasonable amount of healthy food, be reaosnably active and most people can maintain a normal body weight. The normal range for BMI is quite large. And 80% of Americans were not overweight or obese a generation ago so it’s not just ‘genetics’ that so many people want to use as an excuse. Even if you have a genetic predisposition to being overweight, that only means that weight management is all the more important.
Anon
Oh good. Another person who knows exactly what fat people should do based on an opinion
And no one in the medical community just advises willpower when quitting smoking anymore. There are a variety of combination therapies they have found to be more successful, like using certain antidepressants in combination with behavior modification.
There should me more research about what is changing in society – automation, HFCS, antibiotics, a novel lack of food scarcity overall combined with a lack of healthy options in many communities, there are lots of things happening at once – not just calling people lazy. Because that certainly isn’t working.
Anonymous
@Anon 1:46pm
– You must have intended to reply to another comment because nowhere did I mention a lack of willpower or people being lazy.
And I specifically noted the importance of doctors identifying different professionals to assist – that’s similar to what you note about smoking (“like using certain antidepressants in combination with behavior modification”)
But if patients are not honest with their doctors, they can’t blame their doctors for failing to make appropriate recommendations.
We don’t need more research on causes – people will continue to die of obesity in the meantime. We need actual solutions that involve educating people that just like a smoker has to learn to live without cigarettes for the rest of their life, dealing with obesity and weight management means making changes that are lifelong. It’s not easy, and no one claims it is but quitting smoking is also hard and we don’t expect smokers to say ‘it’s hard’ and ‘we need more research’.
Anon
Thanks for this. I hope all the posters who constantly advise that it is as simple as calories in calories out read this.
I’m 53. I’m overweight. I have had periods in my life where I wasn’t overweight and I have found it impossible to stay that way. It’s not a matter of reverting to old habits. It’s a matter of changing metabolism, and, I suspect, the microbiome in unfavorable ways due to the dieting.
I know many people (many) who were overweight and lost the weight. I know not one single person who has been able to keep it off long term. Remember, I’m 53. It comes back eventually for everyone.
I have hope that the medical community will figure out this gut bacteria/microbiome thing at some point because I find what I read about it very persuasive.
We are not all lazy slobs. We are often the people at your restaurant table ordering a salad with dressing on the side while our thin friends order a burger and fries.
Anonymous
The only people I know who have lost weight and kept it off have extremely unhealthy eating habits.
The other thing I would like to point out is that there is a relationship between antibiotics exposure and weight gain. So people who grew up in the era of over prescribing antibiotics have a side effect, not a personal failing.
Anon
Quick question here. If I am the co-author on a poster but I won’t be the one presenting it at the conference, can I still list it as a poster publication on my resume?
Anonymous
Yes.
FedAttorney
Yes, I’ve done this. Long ago, in a different life.
Ellen
Yes, I have given credit to me b/c I do all the work for the manageing partner. FOOEY! The next time, I intend to put my name FIRST, now that I am a partner. If we, as women, do the work, I say take the credit. This is onley fair. YAY!!
Unicorn Bag
Reposting from yesterday’s afternoon post: Guys, I’m in search of a new work tote bag and don’t know where to start. I’d like something with the following features: zipper closed, leather, a compartment to hold water or my Yeti, a second padded compartment to hold my 15 inch but very thin laptop a, at least one internal zipped pocket to hold things like tampons, lipstick, an internal compartment just for a phone, but wide enough to carry two phones, stands up on its own.
My goal is to keep it under $400. Does anyone have a recommendation? Someone mentioned the Dagne Dover Allyn tote which, while it pretty much fits the bill, I don’t find very attractive, so any rec but that.
Judith Swanson
Check out Lodis and Fossil. They both make great leather work bags at reasonable prices.
Anon
Cuyana with the organizer.
Anonymous
Check Cole Haan
Anonymous
How does one dress in an “outgoing” way for a clerkship interview? Weird advice from Chua. Thoughts on this development?
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2018/sep/20/brett-kavanaugh-supreme-court-yale-amy-chua
Anonymous
I have no knowledge about whether it is true, but personally suspect that many judges consider personal appearance when hiring clerks
Anon
Yep. Check out Kavanaugh, our possible new Supreme Rapist.
Anonymous
“School widows” – help me out, please.
My husband has recently started a demanding full-time grad school program – papers due every few days, 100 pages of reading per night – and he is super stressed. He denies being stressed, but clearly he is – he’s been in his no-nonsense, intensely focused “go mode” since August. My normally lighthearted guy has vanished. He’s brilliant, so I’ve been surprised by how difficult the program has been for him so far.
We already have a housekeeper and we’ve adjusted chores and I’ve backed us out of as many social obligations as I can. But I feel like I should be doing (or not doing, as the case may be) more to be helpful. I normally show my affection through weekend baking (make his favorite cookies, etc), but he’s on a health kick, so even that is out. I feel a little like I’m walking on eggshells (NOT in the gaslighting way – in the “I don’t want to disturb your studying” and “I know you’re cranky from too much espresso and the deadline for your 9th paper” way). Any tips for getting through 8 more months of this? Thanks.
Anonymous
I was the student in this scenario. My take is that you don’t need to do anything more. All I really wanted when I was in grad school was to be left alone to get my work done. It sounds as if you are doing everything you can to lighten his load around the house. If you feel that you’re walking on eggshells all the time, you are perfectly justified in asking him to set limits on his studying hours or to go study at the library. When I was in law school with a baby and a horrific commute, I set aside designated time for studying and for family time, and tried to get as much done at the library during business hours as possible.
Anonymous
Stop taking on all the labor of managing his emotions! If he says he doesn’t feel stressed, accept it! Focussed is not stressed. Let him be focussed and live your life. If he’s rude or mean to you you can ask him to be polite but this is beyond ridiculous. Baking cookies? Honey. Live your life and do your routine except he won’t be able to hang out and relax with you for a while. Go to your social things if you enjoy them. You can be helpful by accepting that he is a grown person and can manage himself and trusting him to do that while you entertain yourself.
pugsnbourbon
+1. With all possible kindness … you gotta chill. As someone with a pathological need to be useful, sometimes trying to hard makes it worse.
Anon
Second this. Don’t take on managing his emotions. If you want to do something nice like make cookies, do it! Thoughtful gestures are always appreciated. Just don’t make it your full-time job to figure out when to make cookies and can you knock on the door to bring cookies and will he get mad if you interrupt him for cookies and so on.
SomeoneOutThere
It sounds like he’s fine and it’s awesome that you’re excited and caring, but there’s probably nothing you can do for him aside from giving him the time he needs to do his work. Now is a good time to pick up a new hobby.
Leah
What worked for me: take ALL the guesswork out of it. I explicitly told my husband what I did and didn’t want from him, and when. Best example: color-coded hang tags on my office door. Red means leave me alone unless we need to evacuate the house, yellow means I’m working but don’t mnd interruptions, green means I’m taking a break.
Anon
You’ve supported your spouse schedule-wise, and that’s really all you can do. You can’t make his work less stressful or easier, and it’s not your job to manage his emotions, especially when he hasn’t indicated he wants any kind of support that way. Don’t be bothered about disturbing him or walking on eggshells. You’ve done your part to be a supportive wife but otherwise treat him like normal. If he needs quiet, he’ll go to another room/library. Live your life.
You know what’s more stressful than a demanding program? Stressful school + wife who is too scared to be normal around you and laugh and talk to you to take your mind off school and a shaky relationship.
Anonymous
Grad school is incredibly difficult. SO much more so than undergrad. Even for the best and brightest, its difficult because there is no “skating by”. It can be very difficult for people who have always excelled in academics. My SO defended his dissertation last year and it took him nearly a year to find a job, so I’ve been through the wringer with this.
The biggest things are things he is going to have to learn on his own, such as how to self motivate himself when the going is tough, how to manage his time well, and what readings to skim or skip entirely. The first months are the hardest. Most schools have access to counselors for stress management for nearly free and its worth looking into.
Even though my SO’s work was in an entirely different field, I found talking to him about it and letting him discuss what he was reading, spitball topics for papers, etc, really helped him out. Also, grad school can feel like a competition and it can feel like high school, its different from the workplace, so he may need to just complain about his peers. On the flip side, you might need to help him wind down by changing the subject entirely and putting on his favorite dumb tv shows. I know some people in my master’s classes got through it by watching parks and rec over and over. I am a big fan of cartoons like Archer. Its going to be touch and go until you figure out what he needs.
One thing I learned on a podcast was to try and make time for a “date with a question” a date you go on once a week and discuss a pre-decided question. Ranging from simple, what was your favorite thing you did this summer, to difficult, what if you could change something about yourself what would it be? I think you need to prioritize and make time for your relationship in grad school. Though, maybe wait a few weeks until he settles in more.
Anon
I really hope you don’t call yourself a “school widow” or refer to yourself as a single parent in real life.
Anon
Yeah that’s pretty obnoxious to actual widows and single parents
Anonymous
I think she is making a joking reference to “football widows”?
Anonymous
Which is also really obnoxious
Anonymous
I posted here a couple of months ago that I had just passed my Ph.D. dissertation exam at an advanced age. What helped – the recognition that I really enjoyed becoming expert in some small sub-set of research but was sometimes terrified I would fail. So allow him all the space he needs to think about something in an all-consuming way – and then to listen when he excitedly tries to tell you what the something was and how he now thinks he has worked that bit out. Going out alone for a cup of coffee, whatever, is not sloughing off and may be necessary to let the thinking process occur. Spending an occasional couple of hours seeing a movie or watching a TV program, or going for a walk, when a break is needed, really helps. Having a weekly routine, for things that do need to be done, laundry, paying bills, once-a-week dinner with friends, grocery shopping, etc and for seminars, meeting with supervisor, etc. structured my time – the point was it was a routine that I did not need to think about, and the rest of the time I was totally absorbed in the research I was doing. I found distractions, non-routine events, interruptions, that I usually handle well were for that period incredibly disruptive. Now I am so grateful for the friends and family members who understood this and supported me.
anon
Interested in people’s thoughts. I’m deciding between two jobs
Job 1 – 25 min commute on public transportation. Small growing company. More of a lateral move. Work would give me experience in a valuable area, but it’s not work I’m that interested in, and it doesn’t really play to my strengths or things I enjoy doing. Less clear what my next career move would be, but I think I could figure it out over time.
Job 2 – 1 hr to 75 min commute driving each way – highway, little traffic (not looking to move for at least a year). WFH at least 1x week. F100 company. More of a forward/stretch move. New role, highly visible. Work lines up more with what I want to do and find interesting. Could see several interesting next career steps. Nice culture, family friendly reputation, though political.
Similar comp, likely similar working hours (I’m assuming range of 45-55/60)
Me: I have a 2 year old, would like to get pregnant in next 6 months. Husband works relatively predictable hours with short commute and we have a nanny so drop offs/pickups not an issue. Staying in current job is not an option.
What would you do? Am I crazy for leaning toward job 2? When I’m not WFH, I’d be out of the house 12 hours / day (wouldn’t see kid in morning). I’m not sure if the commute + stretch role combo might combine to be too draining or stressful, especially with potential first trimester sickness/fatigue.
I’ve always put career first, and taken challenging roles, worked long hours and been generally stressed. Now I’m trying to reconcile that with family. My top goal in the next several years is to have 1-2 more kids, and be able to be present enough when I’m home to really enjoy them (I love babies & toddlerhood). But i also want to do interesting work and have a long term career. I also want to set myself up to have some flexibility down the line and be able to dial back job intensity then.
What would you do?
Anonymous
I hate commuting so much, that would be a big factor for me, especially if you’re not getting paid more at job #2. It seems like you’re kind of at odds with yourself: you want the stretch job but you also want to spend more time with your kids and work fewer hours. I guess you’ll have to decide which is more important. (Is there any possibility you could find another job that challenges/interests you closer to home?)
Anonymous
Look for job 3.
I can tell you don’t want to do job 1. You do want job 2. But I’d never sign up for 2 to 2.5 hours of driving a day. So i’d look for job 3.
Anonymous
+1
Anonymous
This or take job 1.
If you’re gone 12 hours a day, for consecutive days, you could literally go days without being home when your kids are awake or awake for more than 30 mins.
Torin
If the commute on job 2 is an hour at least with little traffic, that means it’s, what, 50 miles one way? That’s a tank of gas every 3 days. Not to mention the time and energy drain. To me, that means your compensation is not similar between these two options, job 2 actually pays a good bit less.
Anonymous
Agreed. Plus the hours – you are working 2+ hours a day more for the same pay. That means job 2 pays less than job 1. Why would you take on more responsibility and longer hours for lower pay? Any chance they might bump your offer to account for the discrepancy vs. your other offer?
K
I would take job 2, and I would strongly consider moving. I did an hour+ commute for a year. I lived in a mid-size city and the company was in the middle of nowhere, and I just really didn’t want to move there. I hated the commute and couldn’t wait to leave. (The company also was boring and not what I wanted)
Is this F100 company in a populated area? Suburbs or another city? Would you move in a year?
anon
+1
Anonymous
Based on everything except for commute I would go with Job 2. Make sure you look into maternity leave policies at both companies, but IME larger companies tend to have much better policies than small companies. Honestly, I think I would probably keep looking if I were you because neither seem like a great fit (unless you’re willing to move closer to Job 2). But I have a very low tolerance to long commutes.
Anonymous
Look for job 3 with your kid goals. You’d be pumping in the car for sure, plus if you want to be pregnant you may not last 75 minutes without stopping to pee or be sick.
Anonymous
I have job #2 except with normal hours when not traveling. It is manageable with one kid, not sure I’d do it with more than one. Longer work hours would be challenging.
I had hyperemesis and a baby while in law school making the same commute. That was hell and I do not recommend it.
Sarabeth
I worked at job 2 when my first child was born, except that I could WFH two or three days/week. It wasn’t sustainable for me with even one child, and I am so glad that I was able to find a new job before my second was born. You’re looking at 10 hour days plus two hours per day commuting? You won’t see your kids for any meaningful time during the week. I know that’s ok with some people, but you say yourself that “my top goal in the next several years is to have 1-2 more kids, and be able to be present enough when I’m home to really enjoy them (I love babies & toddlerhood).” That does not sound like someone who wants to see her kids for 20 minutes a day.
Anon
I would try to negotiate two days WFH and go with job 2. It sounds like that’s the job you want and like it has way more opportunities and relevance to your field.
Anonymous
I think it depends on your relationship with driving. I get major anxiety driving and thus am prone to anger and road rage. That kind of a commute would be a no go for sure. However, if they paid me more and this was my dream job I’d move closer. Even consider an apt close to work and go home on weekends.
However, if you like driving, if you like podcasts, music, can do work in the car, it is an option. And hey, self driving cars are coming. :D
Anonymous
2. It’s the one you want. Plus being out of the house one 12+ hours a day saves you from lots of the kid nonsense like diapers, preschool events, whatever your 3 year old is prattling about because they’re obsessed with Thomas the train or some friend at school or their shoes or whatever.
TheElms
I would take job 2 and negotiate another 1 day WFH up front, 2 if you think they would do it or said you wouldn’t start doing that for 6 months.
It gives you more flexibility down the road. If its to much you can always find job 3 and you will have job 2 on your resume to do it.
DesiGirl
+1 on this. Job 2 sounds good on everything except the commute, and the commute is certainly an issue and incompatible with your goals to be around more with kids. I’d suggest asking for another day WFH or alternatively flexible hours on a couple of days (like 10-4 for traffic optimization but work from home to catch up on hours).
I have two kids (preschool/school age) and currently work 9-5 with a one hour commute added on top of that each way. It works for me and I have similar attitudes towards spending time with kids as you do. I end up spending 6-8pm and 6-8am (my kids wake up early) with kids and if I work from home one day a week this gets even better.
Anonymous
Keep looking or take the short commute.
Anonymous
Does anyone count their macros? I’m trying to do it and find myself eating unhealthy stuff to get 50% carbs. Tips?
SomeoneOutThere
Do you mean that you need help eating more carbs or less carbs?
Anon
The premium version of My Fitness Pal tracks this for you as log. I like that is tracks macros and calories – macros to maintain healthy inputs, calories to stay in line with calories in/calories out for weight loss. I plan out what I am eating for the day each night or the morning of and log it then. It will give you warnings if you enter a food that exceeds your macros too much, especially the “negative” items like too much sugar and salt intake.
Anonymous
The free version does it too!
Torin
Eating unhealthy stuff because you’re trying to get up to 50% or down to 50%? The statement is a little confusing.
baseballfan
I do. It’s hard to get that many carbs, but I would suggest oatmeal in the mornings, rice with lunch, etc.
Personally I think 50% is way too many carbs in my opinion (shared by several trainers I work out with in my boot camp program). I do 30/40/30 (carbs/protein/fat)
Michele
I agree with this. MFP notoriously underestimates both calorie and protein needs. Unless you are a competitive athlete, you can reapportion some of your carb calories to protein or fat. There’s no need to hit 50%. I’m a 5x a week crossfitter and mine are at 40% carbs, 35% protein, 25% fat on workout days (I drop carbs on rest days).
Anonymous
Sorry, totally unclear! MyFitnessPal has my default carbs at 50% and apparently there’s recent science to back it up:
https://metro.co.uk/2018/06/06/serious-losing-fat-50-daily-nutrients-need-come-carbs-7609108/
For me that’s like 200 grams of carbs and it’s incredibly difficult to get that many carbs. (More than 115 is a struggle.) 20% protein is also really low for me. I’ve realized I only really eat protein and alcohol if left to my own devices.
Anonymous
“I realized I only really eat protein and alcohol if left to my own devices.” <– That's me.
Anonymous
Anyone else think the accommodation of homeless people in Starbucks, McDonalds etc has gone way too far esp in cities? I feel like I walk in, see that element – even one – and leave, and friends make me feel I’m the one being unreasonable.
lsw
No, I think that all people deserve respect.
Anon
What do you mean by accommodation? Letting them sit and eat/drink what they’ve purchased? They’re a paying customer just like you. Generally Starbucks, McDonalds etc. don’t allow loitering for non-customers so I’m not sure what you mean.
Anonymous
Uh yeah they do — they definitely allow homeless people to hang out all day. You see it in DC and close in Virginia all the time.
Anonymous
Even one? Sounds like you need your own planet.
Anon
Seriously. OP, can you just try to have a little compassion for your fellow human beings?
pugsnbourbon
I know you’re probably a troll and I’m taking the bait but –
What exactly are you afraid of? Do you think housing insecurity is somehow contagious? Do you think that only certain folks should have access to public spaces?
Like, fine, you can choose where to spend your time but if you’re wheeling out of a Starbucks because someone of “that element” you ARE being unreasonable.
Anonymous
Uh – cleanliness?
pugsnbourbon
Uh, are they behind the counter?
Own that you’re uncomfortable with poor people and deal the with the fallout in your relationships.
Anonymous
I like that you are completely able to tell who is homeless just by looking. The census bureau should hire you for 2020.
Also, if you really want to be a snobby as shole, you should probably try finding cooler places to go with your friends than McDonalds and Starbucks.
Anon
Let’s be real here – when someone walks into Starbucks with a tattered grocery cart containing all their worldly possessions, you know they’re not coming from the latest luxury apartment building. Don’t be obtuse.
Anonymous
My whole point was that homelessness isn’t always obvious in the ways you seem to think that it is and, more broadly, it’s deeply harmful to low income people to make sweeping statements about where they should or should not be allowed to go.
But it’s also cute you’re standing by your “McDonalds is a super posh destination to which poor people should never be admitted” argument. Nothing out there is bougier than a McFlurry, amiright?
Bless your little heart.
Anonymous
Give me a break. First of all – more than one of us agreeing with OP here. Second I think we can all tell the difference between the guy who looks like he works 2 jobs or doesn’t work, lives in the projects or some kind of affordable housing situation and SHOWERS vs someone who clearly lives in the streets and brings all his worldly goods. No one is saying poorer people can’t go anywhere – they are paying customers and are clean. And it’s not about McD being posh – it’s just not wanting to deal with it. When paying $5 for a coffee at Sbux most normal people don’t care want to deal with it. Apparently this group of hippie liberals would invite the unshowered guy to bring over his cart and sit with them.
Anonymous
I totally would invite “unshowered guy” to bring his cart over and sit with me and I would offer to buy him a meal too. This is why I take my kids to serve meals and clean at the local homeless shelter. We sit down and eat with the residents and learn what it means to be caring people.
Anonymous
It totally depends. In my city there are legitimately disruptive crazy people who sing songs or preach their gospel or wash in the single bathroom for 30 mins. This is pretty unacceptable to me. However, most homeless people are very reasonable and don’t both people when they are inside.
Yeah, you are being unreasonable unless someone is singing kareoke with a McChicken. I would leave. But, I love McChicken, so I would probably come back.
anon
I mean… yes, it is sad to see, but I guess instead of thinking about how it affects me, I try to think about what greater societal and political conditions led to it.
We do not take care of our homeless, even though we could afford to do so a thousandfold. Their options are limited.
Anon
The city of San Francisco has a $280 million budget to fight homelessness. That doesn’t include certain types of costs related to police work and medical care. The city is absolutely disgusting to walk through in many parts. It’s not just “we don’t take care of our homeless,” but there are clearly a lot of inefficiencies in spending and a lot of people rejecting services, even when they’re offered on a silver platter.
Anon
San Fran and homelessness is a whole nother can of worms that I don’t think its really applicable to the average American city.
SomeoneOutThere
Let’s all agree to ignore this comment.
Anon
I think it’s fine most of the time, but from a neutral, factual basis, it IS off-putting and/or unsettling to be in close quarters with someone with severe body odor or someone who is loudly talking to himself. I’m not suggesting these issues are exclusive to homeless people, but there is a strong correlation. When I see or smell people struggling with those issues in Starbucks, I’m likely to just move on.
Anonymous
Same here. I think the holier than thous here going on about how it’s about respect don’t ever deal with it. They likely come into a city once a month for a museum trip and feel so bad for the down on his luck guy that it’s a teachable moment for their kids to buy him a sandwich. The rest of us are thinking — I pay good money to live in this area and am buying a $5 coffee and need to deal with this?!
Rainbow Hair
Wellp, I was a city dweller for a long time and my Sbux of choice was the one at Columbus Circle, so plenty of RichyRiches and plenty of homeless folks too. It did not stop me from frequenting that Starbucks. Literally any discomfort I might feel from the situation (like yeah, people who haven’t been able to shower sometimes don’t smell great!) is definitely a million times less than the discomfort of sleeping on the streets, so I getTF over myself and share the space.
For all your superiority about city living… the whole thing about a dense urban place is that you share the space with a lot of people. That’s what makes a city a city. And that means great stuff (restaurants! public transit! coffee carts!) and stuff you like less (some of the people you share space with will be poor!). “I pay good money to live in this area” therefore poor people shouldn’t be allowed to frequent the restaurants here? really?
Anonymous
I deal with it everyday, both because of where I live and where I work (both location and the type of law I practice). I feel badly for the obviously mentally ill and when someone is acting disruptive I think it is fair/helpful/necessary to deal with that situation in a different way than someone who is homeless and just sitting in a McDonald’s. However, where I work the McDonald’s all lock their bathrooms and don’t let people use them if they are not paying customers. They also constantly force people to leave who are just hanging around. So it does not bother me if someone, even someone unshowered or whatever, is just sitting in the restaurant.
I do
I strongly agree with you. On one hand, I am inviting criticism. On the other, I am a paying consumer who feels that the experience is critical to paying nearly $5 for an iced green tea. In a public place on Saturday, a seemingly down on his luck man was wildly scratching his head, moving erratically into other customers’ faces, and loudly asking for money to pay for the rest of his groceries. He mentioned his campsite. In the car later, I felt guilty for feeling uncomfortable. Then the tragic story of the Iowa State golfer broke. The man arrested for her murder was living in a homeless camp. I do not suggest that all homeless people are dangerous and that all people with disposable income are safe but it did make me feel like the Starbucks/McDonalds accommodation of homeless people has gone too far. I mean, I do not even go into a Starbucks to use the restroom or meet with someone without making a purchase, and I am somewhat regular customer.
Anonymous
This.
Anonymous
God. You’re right. Nothing is more important than not having to look at poor people when drinking terrible iced tea you paid five whole dollars. Literally. Nothing.
Anon
This comment is uncalled for. Did you not read how the man in question was erratically getting into people’s faces and asking for money? You can claim you like that kind of thing, but I will never believe you. You’re virtue signaling and nothing more.
Anon
She’s describing somebody who is engaging in pretty anti-social behavior. If I saw *any* person was wildly scratching their head and getting in people’s faces, I would leave.
Anonymous
I think there’s a really marked difference between “there are too many homeless people at fast food restaurants” and “I am uncomfortable when a person in mental health crisis is acting erratically nearby.” The latter is completely understandable. The former is what I take exception to, and I think it’s really problematic to treat a guy scratching his head and yelling as representative of a whole, diverse population. I understand leaving a place because you’re uncomfortable with some of the people there. I’ve done this myself, in several situations. But homelessness is not inherently a reason to be uncomfortable unless you’re working out some real class snobbery.
(And, lest someone accuse me of being (GASP!) suburban, I’ll say I’m a city girl from birth and have never lived anywhere smaller than Boston. So.)
Anonymous
Why do you need to leave a city Starbucks or McDonald’s just because even one homeless person is sitting there? That’s strange.
Anon
I recently visited San Francisco and I had a very uncomfortable experience. It was around 8 PM and we were walking near the Ferry Building and a lady in wheel chair (and all of her belongings) on road side, said if we can take her to the bathroom. We just walked past without responding, but it will bother me for a long time. I don’t think I could do it and I felt guilty about not doing it. I just decided that I will avoid visiting San Francisco.
Anon
Ultimately, I think this goes back to the conversation about bad street behavior we had a while back. It’s not that all homeless people are a problem or that people don’t deserve respect, but some people ruin public spaces (or shared private enterprise spaces) for everyone. No one complains (or should complain) about the old woman with a cart of her belongings sitting on a bench, but it’s perfectly justified to complain about the passed out guy taking up the whole bus stop outside the elementary school with syringes lying around him or the group of men loudly following single women after dark asking for money. It isn’t black and white. In the case of Starbucks, I think it’s reasonable to not want to sit next to a non-customer in the throes of a loud mental health crisis, but it’s less reasonable to complain about someone respectfully using the space without undue burdens on anyone else.
Anonymous
I have stopped going into my favorite candy store because meth heads frequent it, buying a few cents of candy at a time. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to object to being subjected to filth, or being verbally abused.
Anonymous
Agreed. Although I haven’t read the book, I like to call this the gift of fear. I do not want to put myself in a situation that makes me uncomfortable. PERIOD. For me, that includes homeless people, meth heads, people who are behaving erratically.
Seventh Sister
Living in a big city with a large homeless population, most of the homeless people I see at cafes and fast-food places are pretty polite and non-disruptive. I do avoid one particular McD’s because the seating arrangement means there are often 10-15 people in various states of despair who stake out the booths out of the worker’s sight lines. It’s the only place I’ve ever seen a woman start angrily ranting at her visions in the playground area, which was actually scary enough that I hustled my kids out of there.
Our church is close enough to the beach that we generally have more than a few homeless folks at most services (some participate as members, some come often, some just find it a comfortable place to hang out for a time). What I’ve noticed is that the homeless tend to give me a VERY wide berth since I had my kids. They tend to ask men and the clergy for money/assistance more frequently. (We do assist, but it’s not our sole focus.)
anon
You guys fall for this every time and I can’t figure out why.
We all know this is a tr0ll. The fact that this person claims she has friends shows you it’s all a lie.
Worry about yourself
On the one hand, it does make me a little uneasy, and I might worry about some degree of harassment, but then I remember:
1) Everyone needs a place to do their business, and I’d rather people do it at the coffee shop than on the street, or in their pants. At least at the coffee shop they can wipe with toilet paper and wash their hands after.
2) Everyone needs to be inside during certain parts of the year. There are shelters, but a lot of shelters expect people to leave in the morning and come back at night, so where should they go until then? In the winter it may be too cold for someone to be outside all day, and in the summer it may be too hot. If a fast food place or coffee shop lets people come in to cool off or warm up as needed, that’s fine with me.
3) Most businesses will kick someone out for being unruly or harassing other customers, and most homeless know that and they know not to ruin a good thing by doing something that could get them in trouble. If someone bothers me and the manager lets them stay, then I might have a problem. But I also don’t have to stay there! I can walk in, get my food or drink, and eat it somewhere else.
I think it’s one of those things where if you’ve never eaten a sandwich or enjoyed a coffee a few tables away from a homeless person before, the thought of doing so can make you feel uneasy, but after you do it a few times, you realize it’s no big deal, you mind your business and they mind theirs.
anon
How open are you about how you spend your time off?
I have a child with a medical issue that requires frequent doctor appointments — anywhere from once or twice a week. DH and I have split the appointments as much as we can, but it still ends up being a semi-significant chunk of time. I always take sick leave to attend appointments, even if I make up the time later. My boss knows about this and is fine with it (in fact, she told me I don’t need to take sick leave, but I feel my way is “cleaner” and gives me backup if I’m ever scrutinized).
I have not told the people I supervise why I’m out. I’m concerned about looking uncommitted, but I’m also concerned that I just look like a flake that leaves early or comes in late on a fairly frequent basis. This appointment schedule is going to be the norm for the foreseeable future. Should I say something, or keep it vague? I usually tell them I have an appointment off-site.
I’m balancing my workload OK, but this weighs on my mind a lot. It’s an area where my work and life are in conflict, but but my kid’s health is a very real and legitimate issue I’m dealing with, and it has to take precedent sometimes. I’m not completely comfortable disclosing my kid’s diagnosis, which muddies this a bit.
Anonymous
This exact issue was a question on Ask the Manager today! You might find it helpful.
Torin
Can you just say you have doctors’ appointments for your kid without disclosing the diagnosis? I think most people know better than to be nosy if you don’t offer the information.
I’d also just not worry about the perception. You log your time out of the office and get your work done. I don’t think people hold personal commitments against you unless you clearly don’t log the appointments and then take several two week vacations or something egregious like that.
nutella
You didn’t disclose your child’s diagnosis here and I completely got it. Assume the same of your team. “Hi team, a little bit of scheduling to discuss on the agenda. My child has an ongoing medical issue that requires me and my husband to take him to his appointments. I will mark these times on my calendar so that you see my availability of when I am in the office. Please let me know if you don’t have capability to view my calendar and we will have IT grant you access. Thanks.” And then move on.
anon
In Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg called out the genius of her assistant who made a point of scheduling Sandberg’s offsite meetings at the beginning or end of the day so that others couldn’t tell when she was starting or ending her “work day.” I don’t think you have anything to be concerned about, but if it makes you feel better, you can adopt that practice when you can, so that it’s not clear whether you are leaving for a personal appointment or a business function when you have to duck out early.
anon
I have gone through something similar, but for my own chronic illness as opposed to a kid’s. I used not to say anything and just take leave/be out to get stuff done. Now I am open about it (without TMI–folks who need to know have the two-sentence version of what’s going on with me). I was very afraid of discrimination/drama, but have been pleasantly surprised that people are very willing to work with me on scheduling. If you are getting your work done well, then that’s all that should really matter (and I remind people of that when need be).
Anonymous
I’m a coworker of someone who has frequent absences. I don’t care if they are out. But they drop the ball (call out right before client meeting, miss deliverables, etc). I didn’t care when they were out until they started dropping the ball. I still don’t care WHY. So, no, you don’t need to be explaining why you are out if you are still meeting your timelines and your team feels supported.
Anonymous
Since your the boss, I think you have a real opportunity to model here. You don’t have to share the diagnosis, but making it clear that you are taking medical time off to care for your family member & that it’s okay to do this sends a powerful message to your team. As a leader, I think you have a responsibility to do this.
anon
Thank you for the reminder.
Anon
ditto to this!
Anon
Do you work for government? Why are you worried about your time off being scrutinized?
Bewbs
I am getting my first mammogram on a Friday and running a 15k that Saturday. I’m concerned I’m going to be uncomfortable running after all that smooshing. Should I reschedule?
anon
Everyone is different, but I wouldn’t reschedule the 15k. I had my first mammogram in March and it was not even nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was fine 5-10 minutes after.
Delta Dawn
Nah, it should be fine. The mammogram is uncomfortable at the time but shouldn’t be an issue the next day.
PolyD
No. Mammograms generally don’t hurt and they certainly don’t continue to hurt a day later!
Bewbs
Thanks, all!
Anonymous
I find mammograms very painful while they’re happening but once it’s over the pain is gone. You’ll certainly be fine the next day.
Anonandon
Efff cancer. Like seriously. Today is the 6 mo anniversary of FIL dying of it. 15 year anniversary of very close aunt dying of it this week, which still feels like yesterday in so many ways. A 41 (!!!) year old coworker was diagnosed with stage 4 colon this week. Both parents have survived it (3x between both of them). Sometimes I think I should just drop everything that I am doing and find myself a place in the research/funding world to help. That’s not feasible right now, and I’m not remotely in that space professionally, but, good lord, my work feels so insignificant some days, as it should, especially when I learn of yet another life and family upended by this horrific disease.
End rant.
Panda Bear
+10000
Vicky Austin
Can only commiserate. Eff cancer, truly.
Not that Anne, the other Anne
Seriously. This month is the anniversary of my grandfather’s death from it, a week ago a friend (who was actually working as a cancer researcher!) passed away at 41 from it, and on Tuesday FIL passed away from it.
Eff cancer.
Belle Boyd
Amen, Sister.
One year ago this month my mom went into the hospital for shortness of breath. She had been having health problems related to T1 diabetes for close to ten years prior, and I had been a part to full-time caregiver for her depending on how her health was. On my birthday, which is next week, we got the official diagnosis: she had breast cancer that had spread to her lungs and liver. She passed away not quite six weeks later. My mom and I were extremely close, so it was a crushing blow for me.
Two months after Mom passed, my cousin — who was one of my best and closest friends — also passed away from cancer. She had liver cancer that had spread to her spine and abdomen. She had battled it for nearly five years and had been somewhat of a medical miracle to the doctors that told her she only had a 30% chance of surviving even one year after a liver resection and chemo. That one hit me hard, too. She was the one friend who shared my sense of humor and who I could vent to about things my other friends didn’t “get”. Plus, we were farm girls who grew up the same way and who were dead set on keeping our family traditions alive — another thing our friends didn’t “get”.
Come to think of it, in a little over a year’s time, I lost 12 friends. 8 of them to cancer. So yes. Eff cancer. Eff it and the horse it rode in on.
OP
This outs me, so hi friends if you’re reading…. but, FIL was technically well on his way to beating stage 4 melanoma, which is incredible. He developed sepsis because one of the ‘extremely rare’ side effects of his maintenance treatments was being immunocompromised. A kid could have sneezed on him in Target for all we know. “Beating cancer” and a miracle survivor to dead in 36 hours. You just can’t win. Happy(? wrong word.) to know I’m in good company. I have a lot of people around me who never had anyone close to them with the disease, meanwhile I feel like whackamole from diagnosis to diagnosis of close friends and family. Le sigh.
Anon
Help! I am interviewing at two places right now. My top choice said they would get back to me about in-person interviews at the end of September. Since then, I have started the interview process somewhere else, which indicated it wants to move to fill the job pretty quickly. Should I contact the first place (top choice) and let them know I’m at the in-person interview stage with a company that wants to move fast or should I wait to see if I get offered an in-person interview there next week?
Anonymous
I think you need to wait until you have an offer, or at least believe an offer is imminent.
FedAtty
It’s too early to tell one company about another; wait until you have an offer in hand. I’m sure you’re awesome, but you never know how interviews turn out. Also, you don’t know the approval process, and what move fast actually means; some places have multiple rounds of interviews, some make a decision the day after one sole interview.
Anon
I interviewed for a job that wanted to “move quickly” on July 28. Still nothing. Don’t do anything. You don’t have any offers. Only when you have a real offer would I recommend saying anything.
FWIW, my (non-law) firm in-person interviews anyone who can hold a conversation over the phone. Getting to the “in-person stage” is hardly a high bar to hit. It’s just the nature of our office/work – we assess best in person so we bring most anyone with a good resume, with a pulse and who is moderately articulate on the phone in. Sorry to be a downer, but I don’t mean to crush your hopes, but I wouldn’t put a ton of stock in the perception that the in-person interview phase means anything promising.
Anon
Thanks for the reality check, everyone. I think I got overexcited because my last job was really adamant about checking with candidates about where they were in the interview process with other companies, but I don’t want to blow it so soon in the game.
Anonymous
Nope. You might not get either job. No point in borrowing trouble. Wait until you have an offer.
boots for court
I am already thinking about boots that can pass in court with a skirt suit if I just don’t feel like carrying pumps along with everything else when the winter hits. Can’t find anything that doesn’t look to casual or dated.
I would be so grateful for suggestions.
SomeoneOutThere
I’ve been seeing a lot of this type of style lately: https://www.zappos.com/p/tory-burch-brooke-70mm-bootie-black/product/9148553/color/3
Kelsey
Anyone here have any experience with fibroids? At a normal gyn visit, my doctor felt one and I’m now scheduled for an ultrasound. I’m not that nervous as my mom had fibroids in her 40s and had a hysterectomy and my doctor says they don’t necessarily do that anymore. FWIW, I’m early 40s and am done having kids. Obviously everyone’s experience is going to be different here, but I would appreciate any anecdata, suggestions, and advice while I wait for this ultrasound appointment and my next apptmt with the gyn.
Anon
My sister had issues with fibroids and still had three successful pregnancies, though with her last she had a fibroid growing at the same rate as the baby. She finally had uterine ablation and no more issues.
Anon
Fibroids are very common. There are lots of options now that weren’t available when your mom was treated. Once you know more about size, number, and location, you can consider your options. I know someone who had hers treated with a uterine artery embolization, which resolved the issue and avoided a hysterectomy.
Anon for this
I have had one for years. At one point my doctor scheduled me for a hysterectomy but I was in the middle of a job change and couldn’t take the time off work, and I just let it go. Never really cramped my style all that much although sometime there was a little discomfort during sex. Once I went through menopause it seemed to shrink and now I really don’t think about it at all any more.
Bach Party
My bach party will be next summer in June or July. My MOH has asked me for a few ideas of what would fly and what wouldn’t and I’m drawing a blank. We live in a small city in the midwest, so can fly places fairly easily. I’m in my late 20s, don’t want the club scene but do want something fun for a small group (4-6, including myself) to do that is also budget conscious since everyones incomes vary quite a bit.
I was thinking a spa getaway (but that can easily be $$$) or something equally relaxing and low key…would love to be on the water or something but can’t think of anywhere domestic that fits the bill.
Anon
I was so confused and somewhat excited that you were having a party to honor Bach, the baroque composer, as if this were a thing everyone does, and I was wondering how I’d missed out for my entire life.
Anonymous
If you have a Bach party, please invite me!
Worry about yourself
A Bach-themed bach party!
Anonymous
Anywhere domestic? Literally the entire Atlantic Coast. I’m over destinations that require flying and would rent a lake house within a 2 hour drive or where you are
JS
Do you have a particular vineyard/brewery/distillery you’d like to travel to see? Could do a tour there, group dinner, then drinks in at a nice Airbnb.
SomeoneOutThere
How about a trip to a local spa followed by a nice dinner? Flying somewhere would be pretty expensive, so redirect the money to the spa experience you want if they’re willing to spend that much in the first place.
+1
I really like this idea. Eliminating travel expenses allows for a nice spa visit and dinner out.
Horse Crazy
Lake Tahoe is gorgeous in the summer.
Anonymous
Unless you know the people can easily afford it, I wouldn’t do something that required people to buy plane tickets, chip in for overnight accommodations, buy meals, chip in for transportation ….and also pay for any activities. I’d do something local, minimize overnight and transportation costs, and put the money toward activities and food.
Anon
+1
Pinterest and social media tell you that you just absolutely have to travel for a bachelorette weekend, but I promise you OP, you really don’t. Your friends will be grateful if you stay in town.
Worry about yourself
Right, a day and evening in town would be awesome for most people. Something that’s a short drive away, with a stay in a reasonably priced hotel might also be okay, but don’t feel like this needs to involve air travel.
Anonymous
+1000. I’m fairly well off and love to travel but i really dislike Bach parties where I have no say in the destination and people choose things (hotels, restaurants) that I don’t like or think I aren’t worth it. I had a local party. We got pedicures, went out to a nice dinner and then had a movie night with PJs and champagne. It was super fun!
Senior Attorney
I agree with this despite my destination suggestion belowl.
Anonymous
Avoiding a flight and overnight accommodations would be a dream bachelorette party to attend!
Anonymous
+1. I am in DC, and we rented a cute AirBnB in Alexandria and shopped, ate and drank, did an escape room, and generally hung out. It was fun and pretty low-key.
Senior Attorney
I just got back from Sunriver in Central Oregon. Low key, there’s a spa and a river where you can float down on a big innertube with wine and snacks, there’s golf, and so on. And there are a ton of houses to rent that will sleep as many people as you would reasonably want to bring. With 4-6 people you could even have your own bedrooms. With nice patios and jacuzzis.
Senior Attorney
Oh, and miles of bike paths and most of the houses have multiple bikes in the garage, or you can rent them.
Anonymous
Please don’t make your friends do this. After a year of non stop wedding stuff, I will never require my friends to buy a plane ticket for my bach party. I like the idea of renting a lake house and spending time together there.
Rainbow Hair
Yup! If you want to make it a sleepover (fun!) try an AirBnB somewhere an hour’s drive away. A lake house, or somewhere otherwise scenic, and then a fun activity, and wine and girl time… sounds great.
Cat
Just skip the destination bach party – I promise everyone will be grateful they don’t have to spend money on traveling to a place they didn’t pick for a weekend that provides a scarce ROI on flight costs. What’s wrong with having a fun day in your hometown???
Anonymous
Getting on a plane isn’t budget conscious. You don’t say whether everyone is in the same city… if they’re not, then is there a way to make sure the more budget sensitive folks can drive instead of fly?
Grumpy '30-something
Please don’t do this to your friends. Even if they can afford it (and it sounds like some can’t), asking them to give up a weekend+ for your party is way too much to ask.
Garden Party Issues
I need some help/tips with some “gardening” issues. I’ve been seeing a guy for a couple months and we’ve attempted to hook up twice but he’s had some issues with his “hose” each time. The first time he wasn’t able to stay h*rd, especially with a c*ndom, so no gardening. The second time, he could stay h*ard, but “bloomed” before there was any PIV action. He’s early 30s, so I don’t think it’s an age issue.
He’s kind of shy and doesn’t seem super experienced in LGPs, so I’m thinking he gets anxious and nervous and is trying to do too much too soon…but I don’t know how to slow down other than me taking control of everything. How do I get him out of his own head and just make sure he can enjoy what’s happening?
I *really* like this guy, so I don’t want to break things off because of this, but I also want a s*xually-fulfilling experience, especially if these are fixable issues.
Anonymous
Your suggestion of you taking control of everything sounds good, especially if he seems inexperienced.
Anonymous
Read “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski – it focuses more the female perspective, but I think there are takeaways that can apply to either gender. Things, like not focusing on making org@sm the point of the encounter. Do a variety of things that are pleasurable, but don’t define a successful experience by achieving that end.
And it may just take some getting used to for him to – so it may be something that resolves with time, as long as neither of you get hung up on those early episodes as being “failures”. They’re just steps along the journey.