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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 169 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Luxury Hobo Handbag

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Faux Leather Bag: Hynes Victory Luxury Hobo Handbag A friend of mine got a Hynes bag a while ago, and I was really impressed with the look of it, considering the price, so from time to time I check their store on Amazon. This handbag looks perfect for summer and is winning rave reviews — and it's just $35 and eligible for Prime (and free returns). We've pictured the camel here, but I kind of like it in mustard yellow or bright blue — if you've never owned a bright purse before, I urge you to give one of these a try, because you'll be surprised how versatile one can be (particularly against an otherwise neutral wardrobe). Still, the camel, black, and brown are all great. Hynes Victory Luxury Hobo Handbag (L-2)

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Comments

  1. Contact lenses

    I’m getting very sick of glasses (which I’ve worn for three years) and want to try contacts. The problem is that I have a history of sensitive eyes stemming from several childhood eye surgeries, blepharitis, and some occasional allergies. Do any other contact lens wearers have tips or advice about what I should mention to the optometrist or what I should try in order to make this work? Also, how much do you spend on contacts? I know there’s a chance they won’t work out, but I want to at least try. TIA!

    • CountC

      I think you should tell your optometrist your sensitive eye history. There are a variety of comfort lenses out there that may work better for you than the lenses of yesteryear. As for cost, you can get samples from the eye doc to try them out before you spend any money on them. I wear mine longer than I am supposed to, so I maybe spent $150/$200 per year depending on what my vision insurance is like. If you have sensitive eyes, my wear them until they drive you nuts strategy may not work.

    • Veronica Mars

      If you have allergies or sensitive eyes, I’d ask them for daily contacts. They’re a little more expensive, but much better because protein/grossness doesn’t build up on the lenses. I’d get fitted for contacts and ask the doctor if you can have samples of a few different types (a weekly, a few dailies, etc.) Ask for 3 different ones to pick from (go down to 2 if they push back–one dailies and one weekly) and have them fitted. Then pick the one you like best after trying the samples at home.

      • Veronica Mars

        Mine were also like $200 and then after insurance, I paid $50 for weeklies, but now I really want dailies.

      • Jen

        This–I have terrible allergies, and the only contacts that work for me are Dailies Total One. They’re something ridiculous like 99%water at the edges, which greatly reduces the feeling off them against my irritated eyelids. FWIW, though, I still cannot wear them all day and definitely not at the computer–my eyes just get too dry. Nonetheless, these are the best (and I have tried EVERYTHING imaginable). I wear glasses at work and then pop in contacts on weekends or nights where I am going out.

        • anon a mouse

          +1. I also wear these and they are terrific.

          Also, your doc will probably mention this, but you may need to build up to wearing lenses all day long. Start out with an hour or so and then increase by an hour or two each day.

    • anon

      I’ve worn contacts since I was 12. After one year of glasses, I switched to contacts and in 18 years (wow) have never looked back. Definitely mention all of these things to your eye doctor. My eyes are pretty low maintenance and healthy, but when I was wearing monthly lenses my eyes would get irritated and itchy by the end of the day, and just generally uncomfortable. I put up with it because I figured it was the cost of doing business/ being in school and reading all the time. Not so! Last year my new eye doctor had me try daily contacts and the difference is amazing- no itchiness, no dryness, no dull discomfort. Love ’em. He also says that the lens fits my eye really well. Clearly I have no way of verifying that, but he’s certainly correct that they feel great and my prescription didn’t get stronger this year, for maybe the first time ever.

      They’re a bit more expensive than monthlies, but totally totally worth it, and more hygienic than dealing with cases, et al. I’d say that the cost is about $550/year. I think that monthlies were in the 300-400 range, but then you have to buy solution, too (maybe $80/year?).

      My advice is: try dailies, especially for allergies, tell your eye doctor your concerns, and don’t be afraid to try a new lens if your first is not comfortable.

      Good luck!

      • cbackson

        Another daily contacts convert. Life-changing if you have sensitive eyes.

    • SA-litagor

      Have you considered LASIK? Might be worth seeing if you’re a candidate.

      • Anonymous

        following – I seem to have bad luck with both glasses and contacts – with 3 small kids being able to avoid both would be ideal. Definitely scared of eye surgery and possible night vision/halo issues though.

        • Anon

          My brothers (both military) had PRK instead of Lasik due to halo/night vision concerns, and they had great experiences with PRK.

        • EB14

          I had PRK a few years ago (not eligible for LASIK) and have not had any issues with halos or night vision.

      • SA-litagor

        I had a great experience with LASIK. Did a lot of research on the top doctors in my area (you want someone who takes the measurements themselves, does not have staff do it). Cost is about $4250 – $5000, not covered by insurance. Worth every penny. Works until you need reading glasses, so I’d recommend get it done early so you can enjoy your 20s – 30s sans glasses.

    • Anonymous

      I wear Vision Shaping Lenses, which which work of like a retainer works on your teeth – they reshape the lens of your eye while you sleep. They are a rigid gas permeable lens that I put in when I’m going to bed, and then take out in the morning. I can then see all day long without any sort of lenses or glasses. They have truly been a miracle for my very sensitive eyes – my eyes were to dry and itchy with traditional soft lenses, even dailies, that I was miserable. Not all optometrists offer them, bu they really are amazing.

      • Anonymous

        I just want to add that the VSP lenses are good for 2-3 years (they are about $300 a pair) and are custom made via a 3D scan of your eye – so they really fit well! Plus, since you have lenses in at night, you have 20/20 vision if you wake up. I’d tried monthly, biweekly and daily lenses and none of them were comfortable for a full day.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      If you end up getting something other than dailies, I recommend Clear Care cleaning solution–it’s hydrogen peroxide based (have to soak at least 6 hours in their special case), but it makes my contacts feel so much cleaner than regular saline solutions. I use 2-week acuvue oasys contacts.

      • Anon

        I agree. There is also a Bausch and Lomb version called Peroxiclear. But HEED the warnings about how long it takes to clean the contexts. Otherwise, so much pain!

    • waffles

      I wore contacts for years before finally getting LASIK. I would definitely recommend trying a variety of types. The problem that I found with some daily contacts was that the edges seemed to be a bit more rough than the longer-term lenses (they just seemed to be made better). In particular, if I accidentally put in the contact inside out, a daily would really irritate my eye, to the point where it would be so hard to keep my eye open long enough to take the lens out. The monthly lenses would just be mildly irritating.
      I remember when I first got contacts it took me forever to put them in. I would suggest trying to put them in when you are not in a rush, and when irritated eyeballs won’t be too much of a problem. Keep at it, it WILL get easier :)

      I also second the LASIK recommendation. Best thing I ever did!!

      • heddie

        What was your experience during the actually surgery like? My eye Dr says I’m a great candidate for it, especially since I have sensitive eyes, but the idea of it freaks me out!

        • SA-litagor

          What was your experience during the actually surgery like? My eye Dr says I’m a great candidate for it, especially since I have sensitive eyes, but the idea of it freaks me out!

        • Anon

          I didn’t think it was any worse than that glaucoma test that the eye doctor does. It’s very quick.

        • KS IT Chick

          I had a migraine the day I had the Lasix. The Valium they gave me helped immensely with the headache, so I could lay completely still during the procedure. They did both eyes, and it looked like an alien space ship coming down onto my face. When I sat up afterwards, I looked at the opthomologist standing at the door across the room and went “I can see you!” and he started laughing. He told me that he loves getting that response from people who have worn glasses for years, because he knows how frustrating corrective lenses can be.

          It is now almost 3 1/2 years since I had the surgery. It is still one of the best things I’ve done for myself. Once in a while, my eyes feel really dry, but a few drops & I’m good.

          • Mpls

            I had LASIK 13 years ago (senior year of college) and I haven’t had any issues with it. The whole first year is a healing process, as the scar heals and your tearing function slowly returns, but I’ve had minimal issues since.

            I got a pair of prescription reading glasses a couple years ago (not strictly necessary, cheaters would have probably been fine) since one eye settled in at slightly farsighted and the other is still slightly nearsighted. Neither is noticeable in day to day use, but can contribute to eyestrain with a lot of computer work.

          • Laura B

            Minus the headache, this was exactly my experience too. Sooooooooo worth it.

        • waffles

          My experience was great. The surgery was totally pain-free and over quickly. I am (a little) stubborn and decided to take my normal commuter train home instead of the recommended cab or friend, and that was a mistake. It was incredibly painful to keep my eyes open enough to walk to the train. Once I was home, I basically slept for the rest of the day. The next day I went back to work – besides dry eyes, I was in surprisingly good shape. I would recommend having someone to help you with the eyedrops – I really couldn’t read the instructions after the procedure. Though the nurse did tell me that sleeping was as effective as the drops for the day of the procedure, so it didn’t seem to impact my healing.

    • Mary Ann Singleton

      I have blepharitis too, and very sensitive eyes (prone to allergies). I would regularly become allergic to the contact lens solution (not the contacts) so I had to keep cycling through different ones, but now I use the hydrogen peroxide solution (where your contacts have to be in the special lens case for a minimum number of hours), and since the end result is only saline solution, my eyes have been fine on this. Just wanted to make sure you know to pay attention to the solution, not just the lenses. Ideally you’d use daily disposables but those are expensive.

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      Go with dailies. I wore contacts and changed them every two weeks until law school. I was so exhausted that I was lazy with cleaning and ended up with terrible eye infections. Dailies are more expensive, but you only get two eyes and they are worth it!

  2. stationery

    I’ve accepted an attorney job in government and plan to send handwritten thank-you notes to those with whom I spoke after accepting. Can I send these on personal stationery that’s pretty but not childish — think blue and gold, not Lily pink — or do I need to go for more formal black and white? Needless to say, I want to make the right impression.

      • hoola hoopa

        This was my gut reaction, too.

        When you first encounter them , say it’s nice to meet them again and how excited you are to get started in your new position.

        I’d make an exception if someone gave you their card and said to keep in touch. I would not send a thank you note, but I would send them an email letting them know that you’ve accepted the position.

    • Maybe

      Blue and gold is fine. I am in government and would have sent these after the interview but not after accepting. Did you also send one after the interview? If so, I would not send these.

      • stationery

        Thanks for your response. I was offered the job during the interview itself, a situation I haven’t encountered before. So the thank-you would be for both the interview and, I suppose, for the offer itself. But based on the above responses, it sounds like a thank-you isn’t appropriate. (Right?)

        • anon

          Why don’t you just send a thank you email as you normally would for an interview. Short and along the lines of “thanks for your time, it was a pleasure meeting you and I’m looking forward to working with you all.”

    • Anonymous

      Mail takes a long time to get to its recipient in govt offices. Use email.

    • Anon

      Thank you notes don’t help and can only hurt.

      Think about it, do any guys you know agonize over sending the notes, what to say, what kind of stationery to use?

      Skip it. You got the job. Say thanks – or better yet, “I’m excited about the opportunity and I think it’s a great fit” – in person or over any email back and forth between now and the first day of your new job.

  3. hoola hoopa

    I wish that Amazon would create a checkbox for reviews to signify that they received the item for free in exchange for a review so that they could be filtered.

    I no longer buy anything with those reviews because my experience with the products has been so poor. One reason I use amazon is the reviews, and I’m annoyed that I’m losing that asset when the ‘honest reviews’ flood the review section.

      • hoola hoopa

        No. That just means that they bought the item at Amazon.

        And, anecdotally I know some people who do these types of reviews and they do buy through Amazon (the seller gives them a promotion code).

      • Anonymous

        I personally feel like most reviewers who received the product for free are pretty upfront about it in their review, and it’s also often noted if they’re a member of the Vine review program. But I can see hoola’s point if it’s that it takes so much longer to get through to the real reviews, because the Vine ones are all featured at the top. And you also can’t say “exclude Vine reviews” so the average star calculating is skewed based on that, and that’s how many people pick an item based on an initial skim of search results.

    • CPA Lady

      I wish the most useful reviews would expire after a certain number of years. Products change. A review from 2007 does not inspire confidence in me unless most of the most recent reviews agree with it.

    • Anon

      Me too..I wish Amazon can add filter so that I can filter them out. I don’t want to scan through 50 reviews to get to one review where they didn’t receive the item for free or for discount. It turns me off so much that I don’t buy that product which have reviews like this.

    • b

      I disagree. Sure, there are some reviews which are blatantly fake, but many of the free/discounted-product-for-reviews are pretty good. My brother buys tech accessories at a steep discount in exchange for reviews. He’s actually really honest (they don’t take his ability to get products away if he gives a bad review or anything). I’d say his reviews are actually better than many other consumer reviews because he is upfront about the discount, lists out both pros and cons, discusses the specs, and states whether he would recommend the product to friends. It’s a good, comprehensive assessment from someone who is familiar with how the product should function and has actually tested it out.

      • Anon

        I have never seen a review with one or two stars when they have taken the product in exchange for their review. The minimum I have seen is a three star where as people who paid full price give one or two star and list why they gave such a low rating.

    • Annony

      I learn more by filtering the reviews to the 3-star and 2-star reviews. Those tell me the problems, drawbacks or design flaws. I can then self screen out the kooks as versus valid concerns.

  4. Quitter

    I joined a local women’s community organization, and I hate it. I joined because of the volunteerism, but the majority of the time required is not volunteering– it’s inefficient “teambuilding” meetings and self-improvement exercises (I once attended a meeting on how to make my own relaxing moisturizer out of rose petals).

    Additionally, a lot of the communication from the org. is condescending and rude– this is your FINAL REMINDER for that thing you may have already done, but as a COURTESY we’re reminding you of this OBLIGATION that you MUST FULFILL!! etc. (Must fulfill? What happened to volunteering?!)

    I want to quit but am concerned that it could have some negative repercussions. I have a few clients who are very involved in the org, and others in my field recruited me to join. It’s a bit of a social expectation in this area that women be part of this org. I really thought I would enjoy it (others seem to, though I can’t figure out why), and I keep thinking if I hang on, I’ll like it more. But that has only resulted in more meetings, more condescending emails, and more banging my head on my desk about why, why, why did I join this time vampire.

    Do I quit anyway? Do I stay in but quit going to pointless meetings until they kick me out? Is there some alternative I’m missing?

    • Anonymous

      How prestigious is the organization? If it’s the one I’m guessing it is, I’d be more inclined to stay in. For just a “random” organization, I’d get out.

    • Mrs. Jones

      Assuming it’s Junior League, just quit and explain you’ve found another group and can’t devote the time/effort anymore… Or find another league, because they vary in character/activities.

    • Anonymous

      I am assuming this is the Junior League. Chapters vary quite a bit as I understand, so you may just have a terrible chapter and other women are in much better ones. That’s a though one though. I would probably quit but fill the void with a specific charity and just say something to the effect that you loved working with X specifically and its so close to your heart blah blah blah. I value my time outside work too much to do something I hate.

    • Quitter

      Yes, it’s Junior League. I should have just said that (since it’s pretty obvious anyway).

      • anon

        Have you gotten through the provisional year? Because that’s a huge time commitment that gets better once you are an active IME. As an active, you should have fewer mandatory meetings and be able to focus more on your community placement.

        • Quitter

          Yes, I have– that’s when I thought it would be better, but it’s actually gotten worse, with more meetings (because of my placement, which I knew nothing about despite asking repeatedly), and more condescending emails, if that’s possible.

          • anon

            Oof, then quit away. I’ve been in two. First was in one of the biggest leagues in the country and it was a well-oiled machine. My league experience in a smaller city had many more “busywork” meetings and I didn’t have time to fulfill both the internal and volunteer commitments. It’s really league and placement specific.

      • Scarlett

        Life is too short to spend a lot of time doing something you’re not interested in. I think you can easily avoid the bridge burn with clients by saying something like “org is great, but too much of a time commitment given your work, etc.” I wouldn’t think twice about quitting.

    • Anon in Boston

      I quit the Boston Junior League this year. My experience was terrible. Almost no volunteering got done by the groups I was part of–my new Member Group and the committee I was on. So much wheel spinning. So many pointless conference calls to plan the planning of the plan, often set up WEEKLY by a woman who would be 10-15 minutes late to each call (so we were on the line that long waiting). No thanks. I now volunteer at a great local organization where I meet with actual recipients and help them directly. It’s so much more efficient and fulfilling.

      Side note–I also did not find JLB good for networking–it was almost all early twenties folks and the people in my cohort were mostly not in fields remotely connected to mine or were SAHM (not a knock, but they weren’t going to give me my next job or customer lead).

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s a bit trickier than some of the replies indicate. Your clients recruited you to join so your best angle to step back gracefully is if you can say you’re focusing on volunteering with another group – ideally one that you found through JL so you’re ‘so grateful’ for the opportunity that the clients gave you by involving you in JL.

      Basically, totally fine to get out but be very careful to not burn any bridges on your way out.

    • Anonymous

      This is basically exactly how I felt about my sorority and quitting was one of the best decisions I ever made. The career/client issue was not present in my case, however.

  5. Book Anon

    Recommendations for books I’d like? Website-generated recommendations are failing me and I have a feeling that what I’m looking for is a limited genre without a real name: non-fiction about an interesting person, group, or subculture. In the past, I’ve enjoyed reading The Residence, Pledged, and The Witness Wore Red. Exposes, but not conspiracies, maybe? What say you, hive?

    • Capote

      In Cold Blood by Truman Capote seems to meet parts of your description. A bit of conspiracy to it, maybe.

      • hoola hoopa

        Such a great book. If you like that, Black Dahlia.

        Going Clear
        Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
        The Revenant
        Michael Lewis (Moneyball, The Big Short, etc)
        Jon Krakauer (Into the wild, into thin air, etc)
        The Mormon People (Matthew Bowman)
        Zealot

        If you like memoirs (I do): Believer (Axelrod), Rald Dahl’s autobiographies, Growing Up Amish (Ira Wangler)

      • Anon

        One of my favorite authors for the genre. I’d start with Devil in the White City as it is truly gripping.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Not a specific book recommendation, but I’ve been getting great reading ideas from Litsy lately (it’s an app that’s basically what you’d get if Instagram and Goodreads had a baby).

    • X

      I loved Pledged. Recent Non-Fiction I’ve read:
      Tales from the Back Row
      Kick Kennedy
      Disrupted: My Misadventure in the Start-up Bubble
      Party of the Century (about the big bash Truman Capote threw in the 60’s)
      Game of Crowns (about Queen Elizabeth, Camilla and Kate Middleton)
      Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari
      Ghettoside
      The Smartest Kids in the World
      The Gatekeepers (College Admissions)
      Trapped Under the Sea
      and 2 that were further back, but I can’t get them out of my head…
      Babylon by Bus
      Crazy for the Storm

    • HSAL

      This is exactly the type of category I love. I read Our Guys by Bernard Lefkowitz years ago. Very interesting, very sad read about the s3xual assault of a mentally handicapped girl and the community response. Raven, about Jim Jones and the Peoples Temple. Hunter S. Thompson’s experiences with the Hell’s Angels. History books about drugs – Acid Dreams, Cocaine by Dominic Streatfield, and I know I had a couple of marijuana books that I can’t recall the name of.

  6. Comp negotiation Q

    My husband is negotiating compensation with a potential employer and they want to know about the value of his unvested RSUs. My first instinct would be to just tell them the value, but he views this sort of like an opening salvo and wants to high side the value and leave it open for negotiation. In some respects I understand this because the vesting schedule will change. Is there a right or wrong answer here?

    • Ellen

      I asked my dad. I do NOT have RSU’s, b/c my law firm is a PARTNERSHIP, but he think’s that your HUSBAND is right. If you provide details on them, he will NOT get much better if he want’s the job badly. Dad says when you negotieate, NEVER give your best offer up front. As far as these thing’s are concerned, just tell them he has RSUs worth alot of money when they become NON-RSU’s, and that he needs replacement RSUs worth “AT LEAST $XXXXX” to replace these RSU’s which he will loose if he leaves that job for the new job. Dad say’s the # is based on the stock price, which VARIES, so do NOT talk in terms of the # of shares, but in terms of TOTAL DOLLAR VALUE. So if he is loosing let’s say $300,000 in RSUs, Dad says to ask for $500,000 of RSU’s, dependant on the price PER share at the time of the agreement. If the stock goes up, you get less RSU’s, and if it goes down, you get MORE RSU’s. I told dad you should get MORE RSU’s. YAY!!!!

    • DBD

      It’s not ethical to misrepresent the value of the RSUs in the negotiation, but it’s not really the right question anyway. Equity is just another piece of the comp negotiation, and he should use the same sort of arguments he’d use if the new company asked his current salary but he wanted to be paid more. He should be justifying the overall package based on market rates and the value he’s bringing.

      • Comp negotiation Q

        Thanks. That confirms my gut instinct about the RSUs, and I think re-framing it about total compensation will be helpful.

  7. Kay

    Looking for some advice. I work in state government and am incredibly frustrated/unhappy with my work current situation for various reasons that I would rather not go into detail about. Additionally, after 8 months of long distance in our relationship, I’d like to move closer to my boyfriend. I want to stay in the public sector. However, in my bf’s location, most of the public sector opportunities are in local government administration. How do I get my foot in the door in local government in an area I live 9 hours from? I’m having some trouble navigating these waters and very much feel like an outsider (because, really, I am). I also don’t want to come across as the one following her boyfriend. Any tips or advice would be appreciated.

    • anon

      I’m in local county government, and I’ve done quite a bit of interviewing of potential candidates for our office. We routinely had applicants who were moving to the area, and we were perfectly happy to interview by phone. Nowadays, Skype might be a possibility.

      Keep an eye on your chosen local government’s website for career opportunities, and apply for what you’re interested in and well-matched with. I would recommend including in your cover letter that you’re planning a move to the area around X date, without mentioning a personal reason for that change. They may notice that you’re out of the area, so I think it’s best to address it up-front. However, it’s really no one’s business why you’re moving there, so there’s no need to volunteer that info.

      I will also share that I did it the opposite way – I moved to this area 15 years ago because of my boyfriend, without a job lined up. I think it took maybe 3 months to find what I wanted, interview, and start working. It may just be my county, but the employment process is pretty slow, so you may want to factor that in.

      County government is a great place to work – I’m happy to be doing work that is in service to my neighbors and keeps my community functioning well. Most of my co-workers feel the same way. Good luck!

  8. Outfit Quandry

    I was invited to a gala and award ceremony associated with a legal clinic in my city that starts after work. Think a work dress with sleeves, a nice necklace and heels is enough? The dress has short sleeves but I’m having trouble finding a blazer that works so I was planning on just skipping the blazer altogether.

    Thoughts?

    Thanks all!

    • LAnon

      I think so. Do you have a statement necklace you could wear? Even if you wear more understated jewelry to work, upping your bling factor for the gala will help a lot.

    • Bonnie

      Definitely skip the blazer. I’d probably wear a sleeveless blazer, bling you necklace and dressier shoes than normal.

  9. Anon

    This is embarrassing and I can’t talk to anyone in my real life about it, so here goes. My husband and I were chatting over post-dinner drinks, when he laughingly started describing a co-worker that he likes but finds “kind of crazy.” So far so good, until my husband explains that one example of this endearing whimsy is that the guy thinks…that women should never have been given the vote. This quickly turned into an argument with me saying that’s not endearing, it’s revolting and H (who was relatively tipsy) kind of defending the guy/not taking it very seriously. I basically ended the conversation and the evening because I was getting too angry and wanted to cool down before we got into a big fight. My husband’s much more conservative than me politically, but (until now) his views have aligned with mine on what I consider “dealbreaker” social issues. After this conversation though, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. One thing he actually said was “well is it really that much worse than supporting a 75% tax rate?” (?? yes?!?) We’ve been together ten years and talk about politics probably nightly and I am blown away by this. How would you react?

    • Anon

      Discuss the issue with him sans any alcohol. Gauge your reaction then – alcohol makes many of us say things or act in ways we wouldn’t normally!

      • Anon

        He’s really not, but I get why you say that based on my post, and this is why I’d never tell anyone I know about this conversation!

        • Anonymous

          Then what’s the problem? One work crackpot he agrees is cray thinks women shouldn’t have gotten the vote. Doesn’t sound like your husband agrees just that he thinks it isn’t a huge deal. Which I agree with- there’s no chance of women losing the vote, he’s an idiot, whatevs.

          • anonymous

            I’d be uncomfortable with my husband thinking that it’s an example of endearing crazy rather than revolting crazy, even if I knew he wasn’t a tool.

    • LostInTranslation

      +1 to discussion wo alcohol or just let it go. I will say, however, that your story reminds me of my 1st husband who was also much more conservative than me. Once while perusing the TV coverage of the summer Olympics he noticed they were televising women’s basketball and felt it necessary to announce “I don’t know why anyone would watch women play a sport if they could watch men play the same sport instead.” This led to a short lesson by me on how it’s not necessary to say out loud any stupid thing that pops into your head.

    • SW

      Yeah, sounds like alcohol made him defensive, and he dug his heels in. You have to decide if you want to talk about this soberly or just let it go. I completely understand feeling like you don’t know the person you’re married to based on an out of the blue comment. I found myself seriously contemplating divorce over a comment my husband made when we were trying to pick a Netflix movie. I half heartedly suggested Date Night. Of all the reasons he could have given for saying no, my husband announced that he doesnt think Tina Fey is funny.

      • Anonymous

        I mean….that’s not an inherently sexist comment. I don’t find Tina Fey particularly funny either (but I love Amy Poehler, Mindy Kahling, Amy Schumer, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and tons of other comediennes). Humor is a very individual thing and what sparks one person’s funny bone may fall flat on someone else. It’s not like he said he didn’t find women funny.

        • SW

          You’re absolutely right it’s not inherently sexist. It was more the spark that made me realize he never finds women funny even when they’re making the same jokes dudes make.

    • Gouda

      “well is it really that much worse than supporting a 75% tax rate?”

      Your husband’s statement may represent how unacceptable he finds such a high tax rate rather than an endorsement of the disenfranchisement of women. Personally, I have a one co-worker who has never voted and another who advocates that the poor should be allowed to steal from the rich (we’re highly paid tech workers but somehow he doesn’t consider us as rich). As much as I dislike their views they are honest, hard working, pleasant people and their offbeat political views come up so seldom it doesn’t form a huge part of my impression of them.

      • Anon

        Gouda, you’re right about what he meant, and I understood his comment at the time the way you explain it here. But honestly, even knowing and accepting how fiscally conservative he is, the comparison’s still outrageous, since one of those things is disenfranchisement based on an immutable characteristic and the other is…not? I should be clear that I’m not in any doubt that he thinks women should be able to vote. But the fact that he still likes someone who does think that just bothers me, a lot. Anyway, y’all are right, sober conversation or just drop it. The latter is tempting but I should probably let him know the level to which it’s bugging me. Thanks all.

        • JJ

          I mean, the coworker is probably a crack pot. But his desire is never going to come true. And your husband has to work with him every day, despite what this guy thinks. He can’t shout “Carthago delenda est!!” and storm out.

    • anon

      Psh, what a BS thing for your husband to say. Have the conversation w/o booze. If he can’t realize that it’s s3xist to say women shouldn’t have been given the right to vote, and that it is problematic and hurtful to you to downgrade a statement like that and not take it seriously, then you have a bigger problem on your hands. I could never make a person who thought a statement like that was funny my life partner.

      Would he say that it “wasn’t so bad” if his co-worker said that the 3/5th compromise was a good idea?

    • WestCoast Lawyer

      I think there are people who can separate someone from their beliefs and some who can’t. And I’m not suggesting that either is right or wrong. But it sounds like your husband is someone who can say “X holds a crazypants belief that I 100% don’t agree with but I still find them entertaining to chat with over lunch” and you sound more like the type to say “now that I know X holds crazypants belief I can’t look at them the same and have really lost all respect for them.” As long as he isn’t asking you to hang out with coworker I’d let it go.

      • Anon

        But there are some beliefs that no one should be able to feel the first way about, right? I get that this issue doesn’t have much immediacy, in the sense that it’s not a right at risk (which is what enables us to kind of laugh at it) but still…what underlies that kind of belief is also what leads to six-month sentences for rapists and the creeping intrusions into reproductive rights and everything else, no?

  11. BBG anyone?

    Has anyone tried BBG Kayla Itsines workouts? Any reviews/words of wisdom? Thinking about starting it soon.

    • Anonymous

      Ugh. Are you already super skinny looking to lose 15 pounds? If so have fun. I find her much touted Instagram account to be basically proana thinspo and really disturbing.

    • Anonymous

      I did them before I got pregnant and found them to be very effective. I didn’t stick to the program strictly (I would run, go to kickboxing, and do barre a few days a week) but I liked having the BBG option when I was too lazy to go to the gym (the fact that I could do them in my limited home space with limited equipment was huge – also great for travel in hotel rooms) and only had 30 minutes to work out. The underlying concept of HIIT has been proven to work, so it’s really just a matter of sticking to it. They are really hard, though – I could only do them when I was already in good shape. Luckily she provides a few weeks of less strenuous activities to get you in shape enough to do the real program.

    • Meg March

      There was a conversation here about it recently– I want to say morning of May 13 (possibly afternoon of May 12), based on my internet history.

    • Tried it

      I started a little while ago, and although I think the culture around it isn’t healthy, the actually workouts are good.
      I enjoy it and it takes the planning out of my workouts.

      A few things:

      -You can probably find it free online -it’s not worth spending $60 on it.
      -If you need equipment but don’t have a gym, a gallon of water (about 8lbs) as a medicine ball and a chair work for bench work (or outside park benches) do just fine.
      -Make sure you’ve worked out recently before starting. It is hard, and my cardio 4x per week and light weight training didn’t prepare me for it.
      -Follow the routines and the schedule, but her writing is awful and the community seems a little culty/toxic online.

    • bostonanon

      I was one of the commenters a few weeks ago who really enjoyed the workouts. I like HIIT things but have a hard time coming up with workouts for myself to do, so I like following guides. I don’t participate at all in the community and I did not pay for the pdfs in full disclosure. I am also nowhere near “proana thinspo” or whatnot, I am 135 lbs and 5’2, but I came down to this weight from 150lb in watching what I ate a little bit more and doing the workouts 3x a week. I do feel much better, I think I have reduced white a bit of midsection fat which they say is more dangerous than other fat deposits and my knees do not ache as much so I am a fan of the workouts – once again, can’t speak to the community or culture.

  12. anaon

    I’m looking for a summery separates blazer that I can wear primarily with black pencil skirts and jewel-toned silk tops. My office is fairly casual, but you can be tapped last minute to step into more formal meetings

    Do you think this would work? And is it worth the price?
    http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/terrace-tweed-asymetric-crop-jacket/4182279?origin=related-4182279-0-2-PP_4_TEST-Data_Lab_Recommendo_V2-fbt_similar_items&recs_type=related&recs_productId=4182279&recs_categoryId=0&recs_productOrder=2&recs_placementId=PP_4_TEST&recs_source=Data_Lab_Recommendo_V2&recs_strategy=fbt_similar_items&recs_referringPageType=item_page

  13. Questions to discover abuse or extent of abuse

    My mother in law just discovered her husband has been having an affair. In discussing this with my husband, we’ve learned a few more things about their relationship that concern me. She’s stated that there’s been no physical abuse but that behind closed doors he loses his temper a lot and it gets intense. This phrase seems to indicate to me that there’s at least verbal abuse (and if his temper is that bad, maybe threatened physical abuse). She’s coming over to discuss this with us today (side note: my husband and I aren’t sure what to expect here. I think she’s concerned about how their maybe divorce would affect our kids, which is admirable, but I’m going to do my best to reassure her that it will all settle out and be okay–the kids are younger than 5).
    What are some questions I can ask to discover the extent of his behavior/her fear? She’s not traditionally a feelings person, so I am afraid if I’m too direct I’ll scare her off. But I’m scared for her and want to figure this out. And support her. This feel different than a similar conversation I had with a girlfriend that did identify abusive behavior, but maybe I’m over thinking it?
    Thank you!
    -Shayla
    (internal screaming by me, right now)

    • Calico

      Sorry you and your MIL are in this situation. For the long term, read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. If you can get her a copy to read safely that won’t trigger him, on a Kindle, for example then do so. It’s helpful for the person being abused as well as those offering their support.

      For tonight, she’ll want to know that she can tell you anything and that you won’t force her to move forward before she is ready. Perhaps she already is ready and will be looking for a safe haven. The most dangerous time for any DV victim (even if it’s only emotional) is when she tries to leave. You can call the DV hotline 800-799-SAFE and ask them for practical tips on helping someone leave an abusive partner.

      Finally, studies have proven that the best predictor of whether or not an abuser will turn violent is the gut instinct of the victim. As in, if your mother in law thinks he’s capable of physically hurting her, that’s the best indication that he probably will.

      • Shayla

        This is really helpful, thank you. I’m going to see how tonight goes before jumping on getting/giving the book, in light of Anonymous @ 4:47’s comments–that I may be jumping to conclusions here. But, I really like the gut instinct part and maybe will try to gently ask a leading question that will answer that, if our conversation goes there. Also, the reminder that we need to be her safe place. I am going to keep repeating that in my head. Regardless of if its abuse, she needs that anyway. Thank you!

        • Killer Kitten Heels

          Just wanted to +1 trusting your MIL’s instincts. I’ve done a lot of DV-related volunteer work, and the people I have worked with have very often been able to predict, with frightening accuracy, what to expect from their abuser in response to a certain action on their part. Questions to ask:

          -What do you want to have happen? (Ball’s in her court, even if you don’t like her choice, so it’s a good one to lead with)
          -How do you want to accomplish ::thing she wants to have happen::?/What would you do if ::goal outcome:: isn’t possible (i.e., her ideal outcome is “I want to stay married but with FIL not yelling at me anymore)?
          -What’s your timeline?
          -What do you need from us? (If she doesn’t know, you could try yes/no Qs here – for example, if she wants to initiate a divorce, things like “Would you like us to help you find a lawyer?” “Do you need help with the retainer payment?” “Would you like us to cover for you so FIL doesn’t know you’re meeting with a lawyer?” “Do you want us to go to the first meeting with you?” Etc.)

          If she wants a divorce, and if possible, try to steer her to a lawyer with experience working with clients getting out of abusive relationships – they’ll be able to refer her to additional resources and will have a good general sense of what she needs to do to protect herself legally.

          Last piece, don’t quibble with her terminology – if she’s not comfortable calling what’s happening “emotional abuse” (even if you can tell from her descriptions that it definitely is), just roll with whatever she wants to call it. Basically, trust her to be the expert on her own experiences in the marriage, regardless of your own opinions about it.

    • Anonymous

      I think you’re jumping to conclusions. It doesn’t sound like your MIL has said he’s abusive or even hinted at abuse, but you’re immediately going to the possibility of abuse because he loses his temper a lot. As someone who grew up in a family of screamers, there’s a big leap between losing your temper verbally and losing your temper physically. Even losing your temper physically does not mean you’re abusive (e.g., there is a huge, huge difference between punching a wall when you’re angry and punching a person). Listen, be supportive, but don’t try to put words in her mouth.

      • anon

        Yes, there’s a difference between punching a wall and punching a person, but yelling at a person and punching a wall/throwing things in their vicinity can also be abuse. Terrorizing a person, even absent physical contact, is abuse.

        • Shayla

          I definitely agree and will keep this in mind. But in my, albeit limited experience, the “behind closed doors” comment and “it gets intense” is what makes this seem off–especially considering she was saying this in almost a confessional kind of way. Maybe the other escalating thought is that we are just learning of this behavior–this is her second marriage. Divorced ~15 years ago, and has now been married for 5. But yes, this is a good reminder and I’ll keep my assumptions in check.

      • Anon

        Are you saying that everyone screamed? That seems to be a different dynamic than having one screamer and everyone else does what they can to prevent the screamer from throwing a fit.

        Are the screams threats or insults?

    • Anonymous

      Wait, haven’t you posted this same question verbatim before? More than once?

        • Anonymous

          I’m glad you asked your question today. My friend is leaving an emotionally abusive relationship right now and I know the two are different but also similar.

      • Wildkitten

        I think this is a situation that similarly affects a really tragic number of women.

    • Update

      Last night went really well. Calico, Killer Kitten Heels, and 4:53 Anon, especially thank you. KKH, your questions were spot on. I really appreciated having them in my arsenal–they allowed me to keep the conversation moving without anyone needing to make a judgment call on FIL’s behavior. It’s clear to my husband and I that there is definitely emotional abuse going on (humiliation, teasing, making her feel silly/over emotional, controlling behavior, isolating her from friends/family, making her feel guilty for spending time with family, blaming her for all his problems…etc.). The good news is with the discussion we didn’t need to get into that. She’s seeking out therapy on her own, so I think some of this will be covered (I don’t know how many times I repeated “this is not your fault” “you are not a bad person”). And, she’s coming to terms on her own time with starting the divorce process (not too slowly, but not rushing into it).
      Calico, I’m going to read the book for my own information while they go through this. Thank you for the recommendation.
      Wildkitten, to your point: She’s one of the strongest most successful women I know. And this still happened to her. It’s so tragic. And it could be my pregnancy hormones, but your comment made me cry yesterday and I just couldn’t respond.
      So, thank you all.
      -Shayla

      • Wildkitten

        I think crying is an appropriate response. Congrats on your pregnancy!

      • Calico

        I’m so glad I checked back here today! Thank you for the update. It’s wonderful she has you in her life. It really can happen to anyone. The book I recommended actually gets into how this starts and how easy it is to find yourself in this situation. It also targets specific types of emotional abusers which can be very helpful. Often times the abuser has a way of gas lighting or making the partner feel crazy for feeling unhappy, so it can be validating to see it on paper. Good luck to all of you!

  14. Jules

    Appreciate the posting of a non-leather bag, and nice to know the quality on Hynes bags seems good. Thanks, Kat.

  15. conflicted

    Help me Hive!

    I hate biglaw and have been dreaming of going in-house since I started. I am 4 years in and now have two offers: (1) regional sized firm or (2) in-house position.

    Regional sized firm pros: the people are very nice, the money is similar to what I’m making in big law. Cons: I have no desire to make partner, so I’ll be looking for another job again shortly after; the office is small in my city and I haven’t met any female partners; the hours will be slightly less terrible than biglaw, but it’s still a law firm and I just don’t think law firm life is for me.

    About me: I am getting married soon and would like to *ideally* have a baby in about 2 years, but I don’t know what their maternity leave is like and I’m concerned by not seeing any female partners. Fiance is very well paid in finance but wants to change jobs because he is miserable. Presumably he will get around similar pay elsewhere, but that is base pay – who knows how much bonus can pay out. He is also doing part-time school. We have no debt at all, and he has been able to pay his tuition as it is due without loans. Our rent is extremely cheap ($600) and we have enough saved up to purchase a home outright even in a HCOL area, so we could get something with a little more room with a small mortgage.

    In-house pros: I walked out of there super excited about the position and the people; the company is doing well financially and the department is growing; it would be a foot in the door in-house, which can be hard for younger lawyers; vacation days, nights, and weekends are respected and the environment is very ‘work while you are here and enjoy the time you are away.’ Cons: pay is a much lower; no maternity leave policy, so it would be FMLA; they also want to know much sooner.

    What would you do?

    • JJ

      No company (other than a few outliers) will have a maternity leave policy. If you want to be in-house and can afford it, go in-house.

      • Anonymous

        Really? Very generous maternity leave policies (6 months or more paid) are standard in tech. Maybe less so in other industries, but most decent-size companies I’m familiar with offer some form of paid leave.

        • JJ

          Interesting. I’m familiar with energy, financial, hospitality, and travel companies in my area. I don’t know of any that offer paid leave other than STD/PTO/FMLA.

          • Serafina

            Huh. I’m in consulting, and the paid maternity policies are also very generous.

    • Bewitched

      Wait, what? No maternity leave policy? I assume that they have a disability policy so you would get 6 weeks paid disability and then non-paid FMLA up to 12 weeks (assuming you have been there one year at time of delivery). Correct? If yes, then the issue is when you will give up the higher pay-now or later, since you’ve said you would not remain at regional sized firm long term. I’d take the in-house job.

      • SA-litagor

        Hint: get yourself a short term disability policy that pays in the event of childbirth NOW. They have 9 month exclusion periods, meaning you can’t get it when already pregnant.

    • Anonymous

      I’d take the in-house gig. It seems silly to turn it down when you know you have no desire to be a law firm partner and are going to be looking to go in-house eventually. Sounds like you are in a financial position to take the pay cut. Unpaid maternity leave is certainly not ideal, but honestly, there’s so much more to maternity leave than what meets the eye. I’d take 12 weeks unpaid at a company that will respect my time off and then welcome me back with challenging work than six months paid a firm that would email me while I was out and then “mommy track” me when I returned (who knows if the regional firm would do that, but my point is that the number of weeks of paid leave doesn’t begin to tell you everything you need to know about how maternity leave actually works). Are there women high-up in the company? That would be a huge plus for me for the in-house position. I definitely think the lack of female partners is a big red flag for the regional firm.

      • Cat

        Co-signing this.

        Going to the regional firm without partnership goals seems like it won’t solve your problem. You’ll still be expected to be somewhat “on call” at all times, but without the “big name” of Biglaw behind you when you’re looking to leave. If you’re financially ready to take the cut now, go in-house. If you’re not, stick it out at your firm for another year or two.

    • Anonymous

      I’ll concur that few companies have paid maternity leave (I’m currently in-house, this is my 2nd large company), so you’re really looking at whatever is provided by your company’s STD policy + whatever vacation you can save up. There are exceptions, of course, but don’t expect to find a lot of companies with maternity leave policies like law firms have (which are generally considered very generous).

      There are a lot of huge pluses from being in-house besides base compensation – not sure if you’ve discussed the possibility of bonus or equity with the company, but this is where the real in-house money is made. Also, depending on what type of company it is, they may offer great discounts or other perks in addition to base compensation. As an attorney who went in-house ~6 years ago, I can say that it’s really all it’s cracked up to be – I’ve loved both of my positions and have a much improved quality of life.

      • Jen

        I worked for several relatively plain vanilla companies in the 250-500 FTE range. They all had maternity leave policies, generally it was a combo of paid time off, unpaid ine off, and STD.

        The best one had 12 paid weeks, but the first 6-8 were 60% salary (covered by STD). The second 4-6 weeks were paid 100%. The worst one was 6 weeks paid 100%, could take an additional 6 weeks unpaid or using up to 2 weeks of banked vacation time (so total of 8 paid weeks 100%, up to 4 additional unpaid).

        • Anonymous

          I should have clarified and said that few BIG companies have paid maternity leave. One of the benefits of being at a smaller org is that they can offer that benefit, but companies that size usually don’t need in-house counsel. Both of the companies I’ve worked for are Fortune 50 but with overall good reputations as far as how they treat their employees – but still no paid leave (apart from STD and vacation).

    • Betty

      Listen to your gut re: no female partners. I worked in a satelite office of a biglaw shop that had no female partners but had a fantastic maternity leave and pay scale. I point blank asked about the lack of female partners after receiving the offer and was given the speech you would expect (small office, waiting for the right person….). In the end, my gut instinct was right and no amount of pay or fabulous maternity leave can make up for an office that sees the “male associate” (i.e. if married with children, then has stay at home wife to care for all aspects of life, including children) as the ideal.

    • Maddie Ross

      Do you not want to be a partner at all, or just not in your current Big Law firm? If you are completely uninterested, given all circumstances, it seems silly to move to Regional Law. You will not be more marketable to an in-house position in five years from there. You may be less, as that is when a lot of the “up and out” happens and sometimes there can be a bit of a taint on someone (i.e., the idea that they “couldn’t” make partner, not that they “didn’t want to”). If you just don’t want to be a Big Law partner, know that it may not be the same at a regional firm.

    • WestCoast Lawyer

      It sounds like you can definitely afford to go in-house and that’s the job you really want so I say go for it! Agree with the others that you should get some sort of disability benefits, and may be able to save up some vacation/sick leave to help cover your maternity leave. But if you are thinking 2 years out (and even then, it may take a while to get pregnant, plus 9 months in the oven) I’d start saving now under the assumption that you will want to take a few months unpaid leave and if it ends up being partially funded than that’s just gravy.

  16. Cravath to 180k

    Thoughts? Will NYC big law follow? What about other markets: DC, Chicago, LA?

  17. sunhats!

    Sunhat help, please.

    It’s my first summer with a pixie cut, so I’m trying to figure out my hat game given that
    a) I need a hat that will really stay put in the wind, as I don’t have enough hair to pin things to,
    b) I want some sun coverage but don’t need something three feet in diameter, and
    c) I want to lean towards stylish rather than dowdy.

    I have a lovely hat that is very simple—just tightly woven fibers, with no inner band—but it feels very insecure in even the slightest breeze.

    Do I need a smaller hat that fits more tightly to my head? A hat with some kind of inner structure? Please don’t tell me I need a hat with a chinstrap; that’s not how I (want to) roll. (Although if that’s the only way to keep a hat on, I guess I should know that now!)

    Also, if you have great sources for stylish, well-fitting, wind-resistant sunhats, please share.

    • Anonymous

      Sol a Mer. Beautiful, simple, effective. They have an interior elastic band that keeps it on (not a chin strap, around the base). Mine stays on even sailing.

    • NYNY

      I’ve always gotten sun hats with an adjustable band inside the brim, so I can tighten to fit my head.

  19. Jeans help?

    Need to buy new jeans as my last pair are running threadbare where the inner thighs rub. Tried on over 100 pairs over a week’s time, stopping at mall stores and trying both store brands of those stores (so think everywhere from old navy to american eagle, each in their own stores within the mall, etc.) as well as the dept. stores where I tried on numerous brands including Levi’s, Gloria Vanderbilt, etc.. All in vain.

    I’m hourglass and short, approx. size 14. Initially was hoping for mall priced jeans (typically under $40) but would pay more just to have one or two pairs that fit and were flattering.

    Any hints or help from others with a similar shape or is there some seriously awesome alternative that I don’t know about where magic elves make you perfect jeans overnight if you leave out the right kind of girl scout cookies?

    • A

      I am an hourglass and go between a 12 and sometimes on a really good day, a size 10.

      I have had some really good luck Jennifer Lopez jeans at kohls and Lee jeans, once at Walmart and 2 pairs in a factory outlet store in Buffalo. I live near Toronto so I do not remember the store.

      Also Loft Julie cut are built curvy and finally a few years ago the Worthington style at JC Penney, although they were more like chinos.

      I couldn’t finf NYMJ in any great quantity in Ontario but I hear they are good too.
      Good luck ( and this reminds me, I need a cross border shopping trip, to heck with exchange rate lol)

    • AIMS

      I haven’t tried them recently but I remember being pleasantly surprised by the old navy diva jeans. Also, BR sometimes has good jeans, and lots of readers here rave about loft denim. And if all else fails – some stores (Bloomingdales?) have a machine that claims to find you the perfect jeans or you could try a personal shopper at a place like Nordstrom- may be worth it?

    • Bonnie

      Gap and BR are in your budget with their frequent 40% off online promos. Gap especially has a broad range of sizes and inseams.

  20. Rural Juror

    “Is this appropriate for this setting” help needed.

    I’m a junior associate in a small rural firm doing basically everything but mostly corporate and criminal. I’m in court a lot, and while the dress here is pretty relaxed in all settings (I’ve seen our main real estate lawyer meet clients in plaid flannel) I do like to dress very properly for court. I’m also mindful that I might move to a bigger city soon where expectations are higher.

    Is a striped blouse too “trendy” for court? I’m specifically looked at the Striped Essential Shirt from The Limited (http://www.thelimited.com/showproduct?pid=45263052500003). I’m aware it’s a pretty dumb question, but as a junior associate I feel like I need to be a little more conservative than the senior lawyers, and also never want to be one of the female lawyers who wears a cardigan to a major preliminary.

    • Senior Attorney

      That is the very definition of a court-appropriate shirt. It’s basically the female equivalent of what a man would wear.

      • Rural Juror

        Thanks for the confirmation. I figured it was fine and have seen even the most formal younger male associate wearing a closely striped shirt, but I don’t have a lot of female reference points my own age/experience in the area. Not to mention both sexes here dress pretty casually even for court. I come from a family of nurses and landscapers so I don’t get a lot of help on that front, either. I mean, I just learned from this site you can wear grey pants with a black blazer. I’m a fashion basket case.

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