Wednesday’s Workwear Report: ICONS Maxine Stripe Button-Up Shirt

265 Comments

1. Paging Horse Crazy – just saw your post from yesterday about how the CA storms brought down the power lines for you. Hope you’re hanging in there, even if you can’t/won’t see this! & same to all the other CA readers who might be in the line of, er, fire.

   1. Thanks! Doing OK here. We have to frequently clean debris from the storm drains or we’d have flooded sidewalks and encroachment in our garage, but no power outages. I know it is worse elsewhere. Haven’t seen rain like this in a very long time.

      1. I hope there’s some silver lining in getting rain. Glad you’re staying safe!

   2. Thanks. My husband and I walked the dog during a break in the rain and there were tree branches down everywhere. Then I heard that a friend of a friend had been killed by a falling tree while walking her dog. Devastating. No more walks for a while.

      1. Oh, that’s terrible. Glad you’re staying safe.

   3. Awww thank you, Vicky!! So nice of you. We are still without power, but many around us have serious damage to their homes and we do not, so we are grateful. Also, two of our wonderful neighbors loaned us a chainsaw and helped my husband clear the 80 foot douglas fir tree that fell across our driveway yesterday. We live in a wonderful small rural community! Trying to be positive, but man, that wind yesterday early AM was terrifying and I’ve heard we’re in for more storms. Hope my fellow Californians are also hanging in there! I think we all wanted the rain…but maybe not like this!

2. Are people wearing (or seeing people wear) jogger-type pants, especially jogger-type work pants, any more? I tried some on yesterday and was super-annoyed by them. Maybe with flats for the summer, but was weird as a winter pant now. They are also slightly short on me (and I am only 5-4), so they cuff doesn’t float down to my ankles.

   1. The young, entry level, instafluencer-types rock that look but no one outside that circle wears them in my office. We have moved more casual overall and have a number of fashionable individuals in more senior roles, but none of them have gone the route of joggers, not even in an otherwise work-appropriate fabric.

      1. What pants are being worn by senior level fashionable people?

         1. It seems like if pants are focal point of an outfit it is mostly wide leg trousers with interesting detail (like a saturated color, paperbag waist, sailor style buttons, some sort of fancy pocket details). Some do the cropped wide leg pant look with block heel or lug soled booties.

            Otherwise it is mostly slim ankle pants styled with a chelsea boot or chunky loafer instead of with flats or pumps like in the old days.

         2. I consider myself in this category. This winter, I’m wearing wide leg, full length pants in all kinds of colors and fabrics. If I wear slim pants, I have another interesting accessory or blouse that pops. I like classic shoes, like pumps with a pointed toe. I have lug soled loafers, but can’t bring myself to wear the boots because they feel unnecessary. I don’t do anything (or live anywhere) that requires boots. Last summer I was wearing wide leg pants too, but they were cropped and lighter fabrics.

         3. For senior level people in my industry, the focus is generally not on “fashionable” as in trends, but on nice quality more or less timeless looks. I see a lot of classic trousers on women.

   2. I hate pants, but I have some older pixie skinnies from olde navy that I am clinging to. I suspect colored pants are out.

      1. I also dislike pants but I’m a weird height and maxi skirts are hit or miss so I’ve begrudingly bought 2-3 pairs of pants. The styles I see at work are mostly straight legs cut to either the ankle bone or top of the foot (vs. the skinnier styles from a few years ago), flares (not as common and I’ve only seen them on very tall women), and wide leg slacks with a higher waist and a tucked in (or half tucked) blouse, either hemmed slightly shorter (younger women) or skimming the top of your shoes (all ages). Slim belts are back and for shoes I’m mostly seeing lug sole loafers/smoking slippers/ballet flats/chunky boots. Heels of any sort are rare and mostly worn with obvious ‘I have a big meeting’ attire – full suit or dresses with blazers. This was in Boston last week and NYC in November/December, so we’re not yet accounting for snow.

      2. I think colored pants are in. I am seeing them at many, many retailers. The pixie silhouette is not fashion-forward now, but I think enough people are clinging to skinnies that you can get away with wearing them with some updated accessories and tops.

         1. I bought burgundy straight-leg pants at Loft, and they’ve become a staple of my fall/winter wardrobe. They make a basic black sweater or top look so much better.

   3. I have never seen actual professionals wear jogger-style pants to work, but the caveat is that I’m in a sartorially conservative environment. I love a jogger in my free time, but they are not winter pants for me because I want to be covered from head to toe!

      1. Same. I think this was another case of fashion houses trying to push something that was never appropriate.

      2. I’m a senior professional type and I wore my Athleta Brooklyn pants for a presentation at a conference this past summer! I do think they’re more of a summer look though. I differentiate them from most ankle pants from earlier years in that they’re not quite as skinny through the leg and the cropped hem (which is quite cropped on me) is a little wider.

         Several women at the conference asked me where I got them!

         We’ll see how I feel about wearing them to the same conference this summer.

   4. No, only among the recent-grad ‘cool’ jobs as others have described.

      I commented yesterday that pants are prevailing over dresses & skirts this winter. I’m seeing mostly typical neutrals like black, gray, navy, camel, etc but some subtle patterns. A mix of wider legs and 2019 skinnies (raises hand) but rather than a silk shell + Jackie cardigan, it’s usually a single topper like a tunic-style turtleneck sweater.

   5. Y’all! The FAA grounded everyone!

      And I saw a rumor that the WWE was sold to Saudi Arabia.

      What even.

      1. Well that’s a weird nesting fail

   6. I am a short overweight pear. Joggers are the worst on my bady shape.

   7. Well, I am a professional in Big Tech and I love jogger style pants in more formal fabrics. I have a few from Akris and Rag and Bone. I wear them with nicer flats or low heels. I have a small but muscular build (people ask me if I was a gymnast) and the jogger cut is great for me because it accommodates my glutes/quads and gives me room to move.

      But my office is casual and my climate is temperate. I don’t think I would wear this style in the frigid Midwest.

3. So…how does one get a relative involuntarily committed? My husband’s uncle is showing signs of early dementia, including paranoia and not paying bills so utilities are at risk of being cut off. No relatives are nearby. Uncle does not want to go into assisted care, but won’t share information that would help his relatives assist from afar, such as sharing billing information so they can ensure things get paid. I’m not even sure what terms I should be searching online for.

   1. I’m so sorry. I have a In-Law with early on-set dementia and it’s awful. I think the place to start in this case would be to check with his county health department for a social worker. They would know what resources are available and the process for that area to get additional care. Outside of that, someone may need to also bring him in for a PCP visit. So he can get a referral to a neurologist. Whomever can attend with him, should have an objective list of situations/symptoms that are concerning to his family. If he really is young for dementia, most PCP’s will try to dismiss for depression otherwise.

   2. You don’t. It’s almost impossible to do. You have to try to convince the person what’s right for them. Ultimately they’ll either hit bottom and need rescuing or listen and let you help. It usually takes a lot of conversations.

      1. You can’t get someone committed unless there is imminent danger. Even then, good luck finding a bed.

   3. IANAL and this is not legal advice, just general information.

      Involuntary commitment is for a person with a mental illness who is a danger to self or others. It begins with a short-term emergency hold of a few days and can then be extended for inpatient treatment. You generally would not pursue commitment in a dementia situation.

      For dementia the court-based solution would be guardianship of the person to make health care decisions and guardianship of the estate to handle financial matters. Ideally you would avoid guardianship and court involvement with a voluntary solution involving powers of attorney, health care proxy, possibly a trust, etc. You need to consult an elder care attorney.

      Court involvement in these situations is a nightmare that is generally to be avoided.

      1. This.

   4. Agree to check with county social worker. There might be an elder care contact. You might be able to sign him up for meals on wheels so that someone stops by once a day. If you can catch him at a lucid moment, you could at least try to get a medical power of attorney in place. A financial one would be good too but check with his bank to see if they have a preferred form. Is there a way to put his main bills like utility on auto pay? Good luck – this is a really tough situation.

   5. Paranoia and failing to pay bills are also signs of various mental illnesses.

   6. You can contact his state’s aging services department for guidance. If you are concerned for his safety, they may send someone to do a home visit for an assessment, and they can tell you what resources are available to him. But ultimately, you may need to look into having a guardian/conservator assigned. I’m dealing with the exact same thing with my mother-in-law, and it is a nightmare. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

   7. This is very state dependent. I would consult with a lawyer in his area. In my state (PA), “involuntarily committed” would be for someone with a significant mental illness that would require involuntary inpatient mental health treatment, like in a psychiatric ward/hospital. That is usually not dementia. Someone with dementia that does not have a durable power of attorney would require the court appointment of a guardian of his person and his estate. The guardian would then have the power to take over his finances and to change his residence (to a nursing home, assisted living, etc.), which is what I think you actually mean by “involuntarily committed”. But this process can vary greatly state to state. Otherwise, a first step would be to reach out to a local area agency on aging or similar service in his area.

      1. Agreed- you’ll need a local elder care attorney or social worker or both.

         This will be a long and ugly process and am sending all my sympathy.

   8. Be forewarned that guardianship is really difficult too. It’s rife with people who drain money from peoples accounts if they have it, and if you are the guardian, you may have legal rights, but you are literally responsible for that person’s life and make all the decisions, and they still won’t want to go along with it.

   9. It would have to get a lot, lot worse for you to be able to do anything legally without the uncle’s consent. Best path forward is for someone to cultivate a relationship with him and have some sort of durable power of attorney drawn up (with uncle’s consent) so that the person can interface directly with utility providers, etc. Without consent, once the situation gets very dire, you could look into adult guardianship (at least this is what it is called in my state). A child or spouse usually takes this on because, as noted above, this is an incredibly large responsibility.

      My grandfather had extremely bad dementia, but we never had to go down the guardianship road because my grandmother was given durable power-of-attorney and designated as decision-maker in a medical advance directive before my grandfather got too bad to consent to these legal documents.

   10. Is there a durable power of attorney for health care? If so, and if the elderly person is obviously incapacitated, the person named in the POA can check them into a dementia care evaluation facility or unit of a hospital.

       There they will be evaluated for functioning and to see if there are any medications that may help. The facility will have an elder care social worker, who should have a lot of helpful information and referral to resources. “Senior psychiatric care” may be the appropriate search term when you are looking for a facility. Under no circumstances should you have an inpatient evaluation done in a general mental care facility. The elderly person will merely be prey for any predators who happen to be there. I was horrified to find out that one facility in our area that did elder psych/dementia evaluations housed the elders in general population, WITH CRIMINAL DEFENDANTS WHO WERE THERE FOR A PSYCH EVALUATION. Stick with facilities that cater ONLY to elderly dementia patients.

       The durable power of attorney for healthcare will only be a good starting point if the elderly person is obviously and unequivocally incapacitated. Otherwise, if the elderly person is recalcitrant about addressing the issue, you will unfortunately have to wait for a crisis.

   11. Why would you think involuntary commitment is the answer for a relative with dementia?? How cruel.

       1. I feel like Kat should stop letting people post anonymously, even if it chills conversation a bit. Every post that’s just awful is by an “anon”. The OP clearly is concerned about this person’s ability to care for himself and this comment is wildly unnecessary.

          1. Actually, while the spirit of the post his harsh, she makes an excellent point. Involuntary commitment is a term usually reserved for folks with mental illness, and the OP is not very knowledgeable about the issue she is asking for help with, and states her relative has dementia. And the brusk poster is absolutely right that someone with dementia really doesn’t deserve to be “committed” in a Psych holding ward. They belong in a Dementia wing of a Continuing Care facility, ideally.

             But most cities/hospitals don’t have dementia wings of hospitals, unfortunately, so folks with dementia do often wind up in the psych wards if they are committed. But as all the other posters are explaining to the OP… her situation is likely no where near there.

          2. It looks to me as though many of the comments on this thread have had the same sentiment behind them (even if it was expressed more gently and without accusations)?

             And a lot of the really helpful replies to this thread are also anonymously posted.

       2. Eh. This is probably a normal place to start your thinking. People who don’t have an appreciation for advancing dementia resources (…or lack thereof) find out it can mimic mental illness or include violent behavior that in other settings would result in involuntary commitment. So they use the same words.

       3. I see that you have not had a loved one who is far into dementia, is not safe for themselves or those around them, but who refuses medical care. It’s horrific.

   12. I’m sorry to hear your husband is dealing with this. Try to remember that his uncle is sick, and he likely has no knowledge that he is sick (that is unfortunately common in situations like you describe), so try to empathize.

       Can you imagine… being worried / paranoid… and then suddenly your distant family members suddenly want to take control of your finances, and move you out of your home into a locked down facility (most place for dementia are locked down!!). Most elderly folks who are NOT paranoid become paranoid when their family tries to do this. So you need to be patient, kind, and work slowly by forming allies with resources in his area.

       And honestly, it is almost impossible to do this from afar, without help locally – usually from trusted family.

       You cannot force someone to take better care of themselves. Most of these scenarios end poorly until a crisis happens… like they get found confused, wandering the streets, or threatening someone… and the police take them to the hospital (or jail…).

       Someone is only involuntarily committed if you call the police (or some cities have mental health emergency workers that can come too) – because the person is an acute danger to themselves (committing suicide) or others (threatening / violence). The laws about this vary state to state. But this hospitalization is usually brief. Sometimes the hospitalization is helpful, as it gets a doctor who finally starts to diagnose the problem, medication may be started, and social workers start to assess the home situation. But you can’t force most patients to take medication if they aren’t a danger to themselves or others.

       It is almost impossible to address from afar. We had a scenario in my family where an elderly family member had an untreated mental illness that became worse with aging until he became floridly psychotic. It took us YEARS of getting his doctors involved, taking him to appointments, trying to get him treatment….. and we were only able to slowly take over paying bills etc… because he slowly began to trust us. And we still included him on decisions. It turned out his diagnosis was a mental illness (bipolar disorder) which only decompensated when he was quite elderly, never treated in his youth. He feared he would develop dementia, and we wondered if it was. It wasn’t.

       Remember this – that mental illness is often mis-diagnosed as dementia. This is important because most causes of dementia are NOT curable, but many mental illnesses are very very treatable. With my relative, once his mental health was stabilized with medications (and he had long term follow-up with a psychiatrist), he was literally in the best mental health of his life and never had dementia… which was what he feared.

       But MANY causes of late in life paranoia are related to dementia, so it is very useful to have him seen by a neurologist to make this assessment.

       So to get help now for your uncle-in-law…. if you really want to help…..

       Find the Office of Aging or Senior services that overseas his town/State. Call and ask to speak to a social worker. Describe the situation, ask for their advice. Ask if you can have your uncle assigned a social worker/case manager to go see him and see if they can help provide any services and determine if he was safe alone. So towns have these services… some don’t. And if you send someone to his home without his consent, it may piss him off. It works best if the visit happens when other family members are there.

       Call NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness). Find the local help phone line for his area, and call and ask for their advice. You can get great ideas for local resources. Many of those who answer their calls are peers who have family members in the same situations.

       Is there an excellent Medical School / large hospital system near him? Find the Neurology Department and the Neurology department that and the doctors that specialize in cognitive disorders/dementia. Make a new patient appointment. Someone from the family that he trusts must take him, or of course he will never go.

       Does he have a primary care doctor that he still sees and trusts? You can call their office and relay your concerns. But without a Power of Attorney, they cannot share anything with you. But they sometimes are grateful to hear what is happening in the home, and sometimes can intervene/refer/start medications.

       Does anyone have power of attorney for health care or property? If not, there isn’t a lot you can do to intervene directly. But someone should be slowly building an alliance/trust with him, and hopefully over time this will happen.

       And of course, this is very difficult to do from far away, and definitely not a good idea for you…. a far away, distant in-law relative… who doesn’t have a close relationship to the uncle…. to make any of these phone calls starting out with a question like “how does one get a relative involuntarily committed?” Because that question is so aggressive (clueless…) and out of line that most will hang up on you quickly and suspect your motives. Unfortunately, many seniors are abused and neglected and family members materialize from distant sites when crises hits and don’t always have the best interests of the patient at heart. Sad, but true.

       So you can start by gathering these phone numbers/contacts for your husband, and have him make the actually phone calls. And encourage him to have a zoom family meeting with all involved family members to try to come up with a plan.

4. Me, to People on Project: please do x, then y, then z, in order to achieve Objective Q.

   Them: I did j, y, and o, and it didn’t work. (Cue emails to 337371 other people)

   Me: please hold until I hear from Leader of Objective Team

   Them: (sends 47374372 more emails to various personnel)

   Me: as per my last sainted email knock it the frillyheck off!!!!

   So. Done.

   1. The world would be a much better place if people would just do what I tell them, when I tell them. Sigh. I feel your pain.

      1. Mom? Is that you?

         1. But…. She’s probably right.

   2. Ayyy. Do you manage people on project? I feel like this calls for a different discussion…

      1. Unfortunately not. If I was in charge there would be many changes.

   3. *adopts frillyheck and sainted into daily use*

      I feel you.

      1. +1 I’m sorry for your frustrations, OP, but you do express them hilariously.

      2. +2 Between Tradwick and his frillyheck behavior, I will soon be outing myself to any colleagues who are readers here.

   4. I’m a consultant.

      Me to client: I’m doing x, y, and z for you, correct?

      Client: yes but we were thinking about making y an ill-defined y*w^2

      Me: can we meet to discuss what that looks like?

      Client:

      Client: where is the w project? It’s late!

5. Help me pick what color Cuyana mini bow bag to get? They’re all so cute. I have multiple dressy black cross body bags so I think black is out. I like cream but I think it’ll get dirty fast. No gold. So that leaves the red and the teal. Thoughts? Do we think either color is either currently on-trend or generally classic?

   And can anyone who has one comment on this bag?

   1. Um, ADORABLE.

      Normally I’d be teal all the way but the raspberry is singing to me.

   2. I’m drooling over today’s post (have been debating a vertical-striped button down for a while now) AND now this purse…and basically 90% of the clothes on the Cuyana site.

      I have one of Cuyana’s pebbled leather totes and it’s fantastic. Haven’t used it as much the past few years but it’ll never go out of style.

   3. Raspberry!

   4. Teal!

   5. Cute. I love the teal.

   6. Teal seems the most versatile and seasonless to me. And I love green!

   7. Teal 100%, it would be surprisingly versatile IMHO. The red will always be A Look.

   8. Teal. It goes with so many things!

   9. Get the one you love and carry it often it even if it doesn’t “go” with your outfit. If you really love the cream I’d get it. Cuyana leather holds up well and is easy to clean.

   10. Gold! Sorry. Goes with everything though.

       1. (And it’s barely gold anyway)

6. Good morning, reposting since my comment was is mod for a while and just posted late afternoon yesterday. Thanks to those who replied already! Long-time lurker here. I might have commented a handful of times in the last 15+ years . . . I finally have a non-tenure track legal writing final interview coming up for a law school. It’s an all-day affair where I meet lots of administrators, the team and others. Also asked to mock teach a topic. Anyone else experienced this/been on the evaluation team? Advice and good vibes requested from this smart hive!

   1. No specific advice but just be excited. I think enthusiasm can go along way with things like this. I got my teaching assistant job in law school by talking about how excited I was to meet with students and to give them feedback when everyone else just focused on how great they were in the subject.

      1. Thank you! Great point. I do tend to come across more enthusiastic and energetic than most folks – so I’m told by colleagues and friends. Newish to teaching so not an academic and was starting to think maybe I curb that a bit on balance with being more “professor” like. So used to private practice interviews, which were a breeze to me. Appreciate your input.

      2. Yeah, I’m a TT lecturer and I know the other people they interviewed, and I suspect my enthusiasm for teaching and general cheeriness helped set me apart. 18 months in, that enthusiasm has been sapped out of me by cheating students and administrative processes, but it got me through the door.

         1. Thanks Cb. So sorry to hear about the situation. Trying to think how I’m going to pace myself should I get this job and deal with stuff I didn’t have to in private practice. One step at a time for now…

            1. Thanks! I’m just in that point of year where I’m still chasing up marking and simultaneously prepping for the new term and am salty about it.

   2. Why do you want to work at this particular school. Be prepared to articulate a response to that question.

      1. Thank you

   3. My coworker just went through this and said the hardest part was the student interviews about what makes you a great TEACHER. I’d focus some on refining answers to that.

      1. Thanks!

   4. I did this years ago for a tenure-track doctrinal class. I thought that when they said “job talk/presentation,” they meant, “pretend to teach us a class.” What they actually meant was, “present your current research work/the article you are currently writing.” I would just confirm that what they mean for your position is “teach us a class,” which would make sense for a clinical writing position.

      The rest of it is straightforward:
      – know the research areas of the faculty you will meet (and others, if the numbers are not too overwhelming)
      – have opinions about the current writing program
      – ask yourself whether you want these people to be your colleagues (think: I will be in long meetings like partner meetings, but because there is no money to fight over, we will be picking proxy battles over, e.g., parking).

      GOOD LUCK!

      1. Thank you! Great insight

7. Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who responded to my post yesterday morning on coping with long covid and chronic conditions. I’ve felt so alone in all this, and it meant so much to hear all the advice and encouragement.

   1. I couldn’t respond to individual comments yesterday, but adding that I am in CBT with a therapist who specialises in Long COVID / ME CFS and for me it has helped immensely to have someone to check in with every week. Given that my scans were all coming back “clear” the pacing strategies (keeping weekly activity logs to figure out my baseline needs and capacities, sleeping 9.5 hours a day and waking at a set time, slooooowly increasing activity levels every week by 10-20% even it means just going from 500 steps/day to 600/day, reading 20 a> 25 mins/day, socialising 10 -> 15 mins/day etc) have been super helpful as an anxious ESTJ person since it gave me something to plan and work towards without triggering Post Exertion Malaise.

      It’s still super slow going but I did also manage to get the ball rolling on getting referred to a NHS Long COVID clinic (I’m an expat in the UK) so will see what options they can recommend. I’ll also look up the other options mentioned – thank you again!

      I do worry that I won’t be able to go back to my job (I worked at a law firm for several years before getting sick)… but they have been supportive so far. Fingers crossed that I’ll be able to come back to at least a back-office role and that the short term disability insurance will cover minimum living expenses in the meantime.

   2. I didn’t get a chance to respond today but I had long COVID (brain fog, fatigue) and my PCP said anecdotally 30 mins of cardio with a heart rate elevated the whole time 3 times a week plus “clean eating” of no processed foods, sweets or alcohol (including non-whole grain bread and pasta) seemed to help her patients. YMMV of course but I did it for 3+ months and my long COVID is totally gone and I no longer have to follow the diet. It was a giant, giant relief.

      1. This shows how much research we need, since this would probably not work out well for POTS or ME/CFS (it might be good advice for deconditioning though if there’s a limit on how elevated the heart rate gets).

      2. I was just thinking how opposite this advice feels from some of what I’ve read on not over exerting and how hopeless it might feel to folks whose fatigue is so bad that showering is exhausting. We really do need better research and understanding and hopefully it comes quickly. So wish sometimes there were a crystal ball to know what we’re going to be learning. But I suppose that’s true with any disease or condition.

      3. Thanks for sharing! My CBT therapist is having me reintroduce cardio and it’s making me experience some hyper-elevated heart rates but it could very well be deconditioning from not doing anythingstrenuous for several months. I got referred to a dietician recently so will definitely bring this up!

8. Anyone have personal experience with hernia surgery? Within a week of turning 40, DH ended up with a dx ;). He’s getting a surgical consult but in the meantime, curious what others have experienced as it’s apparently pretty common?

   1. My stepdad had it. He’s a huge baby about every little health ailment – huge mancold sufferer that one – but even he didn’t complain too much about it. Good luck!

   2. Which kind of hernia?

      Hiatal/paraesophageal?

      In the groin?

      Somewhere else?

      Surgeries for inguinal hernias and hiatal hernias are very common. But some may be very needed (inguinal hernias) while others may not (hiatal hernia), depending on the symptoms.

      As with any surgery, see the best surgeon for that type of surgeon, and get a couple opinions if you can. Depending upon the type of hernia, there are some minimally invasive approaches to hernia repair that can be awesome with fast recovery times. But NEVER have that done except by a doctor who does lots and lots of that approach.

      My Dad had an inguinal hernia repair and the doctor was a hack and botched it and had chronic pain from it his whole life. He just went to one doctor that was who his HMO referred him to, and honestly didn’t know any better. He also had a hiatal hernia that was never repaired because the risks of the surgery were greater than the possible benefit at the time.

      1. Thanks! He’s going to find out soon what kind. Based on dr google (who also diagnosed the hernia but it was confirmed by the pcp) it’s inguinal.

         We are in the Boston area and DH wants to talk to a couple of different people because he is a little gun shy on surgery due to what could be potential complications for an “uncomfortable and clearly not right…:not not usually acutely painful” type problem. He’s just 40 and in really good shape.

         1. I had ultrasound and then a CT scan for diagnosis and then to rule out that my ovary wasn’t caught in the hernia. Clearly the latter issue is not going to be an issue for your husband. Issue is really to make sure it doesn’t get worse and that his intestines don’t get caught in the hernia. It’s a little uncomfortable when they get a little caught but could be a major problem as well if really caught (if that makes sense). He was probably told that if he feels real pain, go to the ED.

            1. +1

               OP, there are amazing surgeons in Boston, so your husband will be in good hands.

               But agree with the poster above that the concern with your husband’s hernia is that most are repaired because if your intestines/bowels get “caught” and twisted and stuck in the area of concern, the blood supply to the intestines can get caught off and the intestines will start to die. Very painful. And then the intestines can rupture and the bowel contents leak anywhere and infections spreads everywhere and it is bad. Like ruptured appendicitis is very bad. This is an emergency and even young healthy 40 year olds can get very sick.

               So definitely go see the surgeons, two is great, and they will tell you if this hernia is the type that needs repair. Until then, your husband should be wary of heavy weight lifting or anything that makes the buldging worse or causes pain. And if he ever suddenly develops severe pain, or pain and fever/nausea… get to the ER.

      2. I didn’t even know they repaired hiatial hernias. I have one and it’s just diet and the occasional antacid.

         1. There are many subtypes of hiatal hernias, that vary depending upon how much tissue/organs are displaced (“herniated”) into the wrong part of the body and causing symptoms. The more severe the organ herniation, and the more severe the symptoms, the more likely they will suggest repairing it. Hiatal hernias can even run in families. And some can get worse (or better) with time/age.

            My family member developed reflux so severe that it caused lung injury (from leaking of stomach contents into the lungs!) and anemia (from ulcers forming in the stomach that got twisted as it got pulled up/herniated into the chest). But even those improved over time and for other reasons, he didn’t get surgery. But some people only get worse with time. The surgery for repairing these hernias is much more complicated than repairing an inguinal hernia, which are common in men.

            Your situation is probably the most common, mild type of hiatal hernia and can usually be managed just great the way you are. But if you start to notice chronic cough, worsening shortness of breath for unclear reasons, more lung infections/pneumonia, abdominal pain, anemia worse than your menstrual bleeding can explain, you should touch base with a gastroenterologist to make sure you are doing everything you need to be doing to stay healthy.

   3. Another step-dad story here. Day surgery … in and out in four hours. Walking around with low/moderate pain during the same day. Tylenol for a week, lifting restrictions for a few weeks at most.

   4. I had hernia surgery! I had an inguinal hernia, which is more common in women than a femoral hernia. Both are more common in men. I was 45. The surgery is pretty routine and not complex. I had open not laparoscopic because my surgeon thought I was too petite for laparoscopic/robotic surgery, which is generally her preferred method. I think laparoscopic is supposed to be quicker recovery. Also, I didn’t get mesh because that’s recommended for femoral but not inguinal hernias. I had surgery on a Thurs and was back at my desk working on Mon (from home). Should have taken at least another day, but I was getting hounded by colleagues in another office/country. Took me a few days to be able to walk a half mile without stopping to rest. I only used Tylenol/advil when I was recovering. Also, stool softener!!! Walking was great for helping recover. I was skiing blues by 6 wks. In summary, when you’re relatively young and otherwise in good physical shape, it’s not a big deal.

   5. My husband had the surgery. He had the groin type. A fair bit of complaining the first few days, which is his baseline, but I haven’t heard about it since. And it was years ago.

9. Funny, I’ve been thinking of getting rid of my blouses like this. I barely wear them because they’re too formal for my office and not comfortable. Whenever I need a suit, I end up wearing a non-button up blouse/shirt.

   1. I like them, and I have a couple, but I also hate ironing.

   2. I never wear them with a suit but like them for when I want to be casual but still kind of dressy. I think they are only uncomfortable if they’re not sized correctly – I would love this in a slightly larger fit.

   3. I can only get my shirts like this to cooperate if I wear them under a sweater. Otherwise I feel like I am fighting the shirt all day long.

10. Can anyone recommend a good tax preparer or firm that can handle international taxes also – specifically Indian stock market? We just got an inheritance and are at a bit of a loss. We’re metro DC area.

    1. I’ve only worked with them in a corporate setting, but you could try Shishir Lagu at KNAV. I think the Indian aspect should drive your choice. I believe they are based in Atlanta, but they may have offices elsewhere (and virtual would be fine for this unless you prefer in person).

    2. Day Pitney out of Miami has been managing our messy European inheritance issues quite well.

11. If you’re ready for a bottle of wine, take out, and a long weekend, I have seats available at my table.

    I wrap my year end process on Friday and the temptation to crack the bottle of wine on my counter early is getting too strong. Worked on the 2nd and both last Sat/Sun, plus late nights. I don’t know how I did public accounting for 5 years with the 3 month busy season. The last 3 days have all felt like one long Wednesday and now it’s actually only Wednesday.

    1. I wish I could sit with you but my busy season is just starting! I’m an actuary.

       1. Will pour an extra large glass Friday night in honor of everyone just starting busy seasons! We have an aggressive 2 week close driven by payroll, but two weeks of hard work is so much better for me than the war of attrition that’s PA.

          It’s 2 pm and omgosh, I need to get out for a break or I will end up snoozing. Maybe pick up a sandwich

12. My booties died and I’m looking for a new pair, but am a little confused by what’s in style. Any guidance? I see a lot of Chelsea Boots, but have never liked that look.

    I primarily wear them with tights and dresses (re the black tights being “out” discussion yesterday, I’m not ready to fully rework my wardrobe to make that happen) or with pants on the weekends.

    1. I want to know the answer to this question! People, please opine!

    2. Another vote for please help, and if you do, can you talk about the pants shape and length you wear with them?

    3. I just posted a comment with some links in the afternoon thread.

13. A lot of the workwear sale info is out of date.

14. Scouting parents: this is for kids who are in middle and high school. I was a chaperone on a camping trip where one kid was supposed to do X for a merit badge. The kid did X, but it turns out that the actual requirement is X+Y, where Y could have been done (but wasn’t, and Y has to be done before X) and where often Y gets ignored. The person in charge of the merit badge asked about Y and I answered truthfully in front of the kid’s mom that we hadn’t done Y (Y was never on my radar, but clearly wasn’t on the mom’s radar or the kid’s radar) and is insisting that the kid do Y then X on a future camping trip (which are available for kid to do monthly). The mom then went ballistic and by that time, the kid was in the room. He can redo all of this at some point and I don’t think it would keep the him from being an Eagle scout at some point (you have until you are 18 to do that, he is a freshman). But, wow, I feel bad for the kid having such a toxic parent over what should not be a big problem (IMO) and OMG I am not used to people just wrecking what should be a fun thing (and TBH should be the kid’s responsibility in the first place, but would be easy for the kid to master on the second attempt).

    I am used to dealing with guys on the trading floor, so not a delicate flower, but I just hate to see this in a kid activity (and will stay away from this mom to the extent I can). But wow. I can’t talk candidly within the group so going anon here.

    1. It sounds like the parent overreacted, but also sounds like you messed up. If you are the one overseeing the merit badge, you should know the requirements are Y+Z. My question as a parent would be how do we ensure this doesn’t happen again with other badges.

       1. OP here: I was just the chaperone and watched the kid do X (and knew that Y had not happened). I’m not a merit badge counselor and the person who is is just holding people to the actual requirements.

       2. As a parent you respect that scouting is about learning personal responsibility not getting badges, you help your child manage their disappointment productively, and you help them to read the requirements for badges and take ownership of the process and ask questions if they are confused.

       3. Meh, so the kids has to so the same thing again twice. This doesn’t seem like a big deal and faulting what a presume is a volunteer seems a little harsh. Also, if it’s middle/high school, seems like it’s just as much the kid’s responsibility to know the requirements.

          1. Seriously, if the 14 or 15 year old actually wants to be an Eagle Scout for reasons other than padding their resume or because their parents are telling them to, they’ll be motivated enough to know what those requirements are on their own.

             1. Amen.

    2. I think the parent does have a right to be annoyed that no one told kid he had to do Y before X, unless it was kid’s responsibility to know that he was supposed to do Y first (which at that age it probably was given that scouting is supposed to be youth-led?). But even if it’s the fault of the adult in charge of merit badges, the parent doesn’t get to go ballistic at anyone.

       1. +1. Also, did the kid go on this camping trip for the express purpose of getting this merit badge? If so, I can understand the mom’s frustration even more. That said, it sounds like she completely overreacted. Even if she was justifiably annoyed, that does not mean she should go ballistic at anyone.

       2. Scouts are supposed to read the requirements themselves. It’s absolutely their responsibility to know that Y goes before X; that’s a basic principle of scouting.

    3. Wow; sorry you had to deal with that. Unless X was “run a marathon barefoot in 20 degree weather,” this seems like a completely silly thing for the parent to be worked up about.

    4. Kid’s in 9th grade and is totally old enough to manage his own merit badges! (Assuming Boy Scouts have the same sort of guide book that I had as a Girl Scout 25 years ago that laid out the necessary requirements.) I’m sad, too, that mom freaked out.

    5. Troop committee chair here, and I can commiserate. Most of the drama comes from the parents, not the scouts. I hope the MB counselor can sort things out. Please keep an eye on the scout. The scout program can be a lifeline for kids with toxic home lives.

    6. I mean just because it’s not a big problem for you doesn’t mean it’s not a big problem for this particular family. The mom might have all sorts of other kids/elder/work responsibilities, or the kid might have other academic or extra-curricular responsibilities that mean whilst the kid just doing another trip is no big deal to you, it’s big issue for the family. Maybe her child routinely drops the ball on stuff and she’s frustrated about that etc. It sounds like some of the adults involved here messed up and no one is really taking accountability for that, so I have some sympathy for her frustration.

       1. No way. If anyone messed up and needs to be held accountable, it’s the kid.

          1. Hope is not a strategy!

             Maybe the scout and parent will check the requirements next time. They aren’t a secret — you can google any of them.

       2. This. It’s wrong for the mom to go ballistic but I’d be frustrated if someone was like ‘too bad, just do it another weekend’ vs acknowledging the challenge. We have a lot happening on multiple fronts this winter and making another weekend happen might not be possible even if it is technically offered.

          1. Absolutely not. The scout is supposed to doing things on their own. If they misread the requirements, too bad. That’s the learning experience.

             Like OP, I’d be more sympathetic if he (or she) were 17.5 and were coming up against a window, but this should be a non-issue.

       3. I don’t see why a kid’s merit badge should be a big problem for a family. As far as I know, merit badges are just little badges and don’t come with anything a family needs, like access to food, schooling, or healthcare. The point of a merit badge is to encourage children to learn new skills/try new activities, not to bolster a resume.

          If the child or parent have other responsibilities, they can just tend to their other responsibilities and get to the merit badge later or never. If the child routinely drops the ball, then letting the child manage their own stuff with something where dropping the ball is of no long term consequence seems like a great way to help teach them to manage their own stuff.

          A parent freaking out over something so inconsequential isn’t helpful to the child, or to the community which relies on adult volunteers to make these kinds of activities available.

          1. Scout parents get very worked up over ensuring that their kids become Eagle Scouts because they think it gives them an advantage in the college admissions rat race. You have crazy parents in every activity these days.

    7. Oh wow, what a strange reaction from that parent. It’s just a merit badge.

       1. Not for an overscheduled family that wants the kid to be an Eagle Scout.

          1. It’s about what the kid wants, not what the family wants. If the kid wants to be an Eagle, the kid has to take responsibility for understanding the badge requirements. Taking on that responsibility is an intentional part of the scouting program.

          2. Find me a person who doesn’t feel overscheduled. Do we all get passes on following requirements?

             1. I live in a small town in the Midwest and often feel like an alien here, but most of the kids I know have a lot of downtime and don’t feel overscheduled. I think crazy hectic schedules for kids originated with the pressure to get into elite colleges, which isn’t really a thing here. Most of the smart kids just go to flagship State U, which takes anyone from our high school with a decent GPA so there just isn’t the same kind of pressure on the extracurricular front that there is in other places.

          3. THIS. This mom is from one of those psycho families where the kids are mirrors of their ambitious parents and g-d help any one who doesn’t roll over when demanded. They are a menace everywhere — their kids’ school, every kid activity. I’d love to see a sociology thesis tracking these kids into adulthood. Every single accomplishment of these kids is properly allocated back to the parent and in no way an actual achievement of the kid. IDK what that does to a kid over time, but I don’t think it positions them well to finally be independent at college or to be a successful adult. I’d guess that these kids grow up to be the first year accountant with a parent to calls the accounting firm partner to either lobby for better assignments for little Cassidy or why Cassidy didn’t get a glowing review.

             1. I know a family that totally fits this description and their eldest teen is about to become an adult. Every activity, class, project, group sport is a micromanaged battle royale courtesy of the parent.

                Said teen has been engaging in some risky behavior *and* is a well-known bully in his particular part of the high school. Teen isn’t applying to college and parent is cheerfully planning for teen to live full-time at home for the foreseeable future so teen “can find themselves.” I hope the teen can detach – my aunt was a total steamroller parent and her kids managed it after many years.

          4. The parents may not have birthed and raised a kid who is Eagle Scout material, and that is not the OP’s fault no matter how desperately they want to make it so.

          5. The kid has years to achieve this and the stakes are… just being an Eagle Scout. With all due respect, that family needs to get a grip.

          6. What even? Yes, it’s still a strange reaction to go ballistic over a merit badge, even for an overscheduled family that wants the kid to be an Eagle Scout. Strange and wildly inappropriate.

    8. How did I know there would be a bunch of responses here taking the high-strung overly-involved parent’s side?

       1. *snort*

       2. I only see one even taking the parent’s side.

    9. I find it interesting that you came to a board full of finger pointers to get support after a confrontation with a finger pointer.

       1. If Mom wants sympathy she can post to a parenting board. She does not have the right to go ballistic at someone who is absolutely not responsible for the issue.

          If I am having a bad experience with an airline, there is a huge difference between screaming at the gate agent and complaining on an anonymous website.

       2. *Grabs popcorn*

    10. Solidarity. And commiseration. One of the things I like the least with having older kids is that you get to see some of the toxic parents in full flower in the name of college admissions / academic achievement / having a particular experience. Not all, but most people can keep it together over whether a little kid got fed goldfish crackers at school even if they were trying to feed the kid an all-organic diet. But give the kid the “wrong” math teacher? Absolute crisis.

        While I’ve had to have a few uncomfortable conversations while advocating for my kid, there are some adults who will absolutely lose it in this context. I’ve had to come to the conclusion that for some people, the only thing they want out of an activity (or a school) is a particular outcome, never mind how they get there or what lessons they teach their kids along the way.

        1. And as someone who likes camping well enough and loves my Girl Scout troop, mistakes happen. The adult who used their whole weekend to go camping as a volunteer gets a huge amount of grace.

15. Y’all! The FAA grounded everyone!

    And I saw a rumor that the WWE was sold to Saudi Arabia.

    What even.

    1. What even are you talking about

       1. The FAA had to suspend all takeoffs because of a computer system failure. Flights are now resuming but it will be a nightmare for anyone caught up in the mess.

          I am very glad this didn’t happen last Friday night when I was on my way home. Zoom is terrible for the meetings I run but I have started encouraging clients in that direction because these days air travel is even worse than Zoom.

          1. I was on a plane ready to push back when NOTAM first crapped out. We got off the ground a few minutes late, but it might have been before a full ground stop went into effect.

          2. Mayor Pete FTW!

             1. Yes, because Mayor Pete is completely responsible for the FAA’s operations and all complications and weaknesses therein, even though the FAA has been around for decades and he’s only been in the job two years. Grow up.

    2. WWE has put out a statement that this is not true. It’s possible that they have a handshake/term sheet deal that isn’t formally papered yet. This is going to mess with their business so much.

    3. My husband has a little group of quasi secret WWE fans; it seems like something that people who watch it do not talk about it. It’s kind of hilarious to me. I saw that WWE said it’s not a done deal, but it is going to be wild if Saudia Arabia bought them.

16. It turns out I’m one of those people who can’t pull off a collared shirt with suit pants. I know there’s been discussion about this, but would you offer your latest recommendations of white or light blue non-see-through, ideally non-polyester shells to wear under a suit jacket, please? I’m so jealous of the beautifully tailored, high quality textured cotton shirts that guys in finance seem to wear, and I really don’t know how to match that.

    1. Quince washable silk sleeveless tops are work MVPs for me. I have ivory and light blue.

    2. I’ve actually been wearing turtlenecks under jackets lately and really digging how it looks. I have one from Old Navy (ribbed, good weight) and a thin sweater from Banana Republic that have really found their way into my wardrobe.

       1. I do this too! I have a ribbed Old Navy turtleneck on under my suit today. It’s very nice in my cold climate. On warmer days I have also worn sweater shells and mock necks that are sleeveless. I find them at Banana and at Simons (if you’re Canadian, a wonderful resource for workwear).

    3. I like the silk tops from Antonio Melani at Dillard’s. Quince is too casual to be worn with suiting.

       1. I disagree. I would rank these choices in the opposite order due to the shine on the AM shirts, which look lovely.

    4. I have never really worn a collared shirt with suits or blazers. It’s not a great look on me, and even when I look at others, I always think a blouse or a jewel neck sweater looks nicer.

       My go-to blouses are mostly MM La Fleur currently, but I also no longer wear a suit or blazer look every day, so I don’t need many. When I needed a lot, Calvin Klein or INC brand at Macy’s were my standbys.

17. Has anyone bought a bag from Portland Leather Company? I have been eyeing a few of their styles. I need a new purse and would like to keep it under $300, preferably under $200 if possible. I stumbled across them from a FB add and was intrigued.

    Along the same note, I have decided 2023 is the year I lean into the fact that I am just not a trendy person. My style definitely tends towards more classic pieces, but I do want to avoid the frump. I’ve decided I want to strive for classic, with a touch of coastal grandma and old money. I was drawn to these Portland Leather bags as some of the styles seemed classic and the logo wasn’t overly front and center.

    1. Yes, I have one (their circle bag) and it’s a workhorse. I’m rough on my bags and this one has held up remarkably well. I would definitely purchase another bag from them.

    2. I have a gorgeous leather tote (zip top, large) that was a gift from my spouse for our anniversary. I LOVE IT. I use it almost every day (great for work, but I don’t haul around a laptop often), it looks good with everything, and as long as it’s well cared for will last me forever. Also had it for a few years as a daily carrier and it is holding up very well- no problems with seams, zip, etc.

    3. Yes! Someone recommended the brand to me and I bought the crossbody mini tote. It’s great quality. I use it a lot and really appreciate it for what it is.

       I do have fancier bags for when I want to look a certain way, but the Portland leather is definitely my go-to weekend bag.

    4. I have a teal circle bag, a smaller cognac circle bag, a small open tote (nutmeg?), a zipper tote (cognac), a sunflower envelope bag, and a laptop backpack.

       I love them all. I do use the envelope bag a lot for casual wear and the zipper tote the most for work. great quality and they all look brand new and I don’t baby them. the small circle bag just barely fits my Pixel 5a in a wallet case in it, so be aware the small size really is small there.

       however, I always buy the almost perfect version of wait for a sale. there’s always at least a 25% off sale.

    5. Not OP, but are their bags heavy? I too get targeted by their ads but to me, they look as heavy/even heavier than other leather bags.

18. If your cycle is you get your period every 26-31 days, would you call this regular? Or is regular exactly 29 days each month for example.

    1. This sounds like something to ask your OBYGYN honestly. It would be frustrating if you were describing your cycle as regular but actually by their metric it’s not, so you miss out on a diagnosis or similar. I’d be as granular as possible when discussing your cycle/symptoms.

    2. I think “regular” is every X days, plus or minus one on occasion. I would not call 26, 30, 29, 31 regular.

       1. +1

    3. Regular means consistent. Either 26 or 31 days can be regular. If it varies between them that’s not super regular though.

    4. totally regular. I think it’s something like more frequently than every 20 days or less frequently than every 40 that’s considered irregular

       1. In general I think there’s an effort to lower the standards for what’s “normal” so that women’s health issues can be better ignored.

          So while some people may feel fine when cycles ranging from 26-31, if there are any other symptoms whatsoever (PMS, PMDD, menstrual pain, insulin resistance, acne, infertility) I would want to know if there were anovulatory cycles or hormone swings.

       2. I think there is nuance between “normal” and “regular” that is important to factor in.

          Regular implies a steady cadence, which I would not consider to be the case if OP is experiencing something like 30, 26, 30, 31, 30, 29, 30, 30, 31, 26, 31, 31, 31, 31, 26, 26. Normal yes, regular no.

          1. Agreed.

    5. Per a reproductive endocrinologist, it still counts as regular if there’s a swing of a few days.

    6. Mine is like this, with a fun 54 days thrown in there. My phone app has given up making predictions.

    7. Yes, I would call that regular. But if this is coming up in a medical context, I’d tell my doctor specifically to see if that variation was important for whatever the specific context was.

    8. Regular if that’s normal for. I’m every 26-28 days with up to 31 days in high stress times.

    9. Ask your OB or RE but that would be considered regular per mine. It’s normal for there to be some variance.

    10. Thanks folks. I guess I was wondering are most people so consistent they are exactly every 28 days for example, or if a swing of a few days was more the norm. (I’m aware in the world of modern hormonal birth control who knows what is normal now!)

        1. All of my friends who are not on hormonal birth control vary by a day or two, sometimes more if stressed. We all consider this regular. We have a friend who is irregular and gets hers once every insert X months here with no consistency to number of days. She is irregular.

           1. I’m not on hormonal birth control but I was 33 days like clockwork until I had a baby, then 28 days like clockwork for years until perimenopause hit. I agree a swing of a day or two is still normal enough to be called regular (though 5 days is a lot IMO), but there definitely are people out there who get it exactly every X days without any deviation.

        2. I also think the 28 days business has been taken at face value because of the preponderance of birth control with a 28 day timeline. The range for women not using hormonal birth control is reasonably wide, some with shorter some with longer cycles, and not being right on the dot to the day each month is also both normal and perfectly healthy.

           If you’re experiencing missed periods or wild fluctuations, like 20 days and then 36 days and then 7 days and then 64 days, I would see a doctor.

    11. My cycle was always like yours until perimenopause, then all bets were off – could be 21 days, could be 60.

        When I had more of a regular cycle, my bleeding pattern was always 2 full days, nothing on the 3rd day, then 1-2 days of light bleeding. Not that you asked, but in case anyone else has this and feels weird. I’m perfectly healthy uterus-wise and birthed three babies – it’s just my pattern.

    12. Agree with the other person who said it’s normal but not regular.

19. I don’t think I need advice, just to vent. I work frequently with another office – let’s call them Blue Shoelaces. My job is somewhat similar, let’s say Red Shoes but I do perform a single function which is getting the prepped blue shoelaces laced.

    Y’all. The leader of the Blue Shoelaces team has pushed me over the edge. She keeps sending me semi-prepped shoelaces an hour before the deadline to have shoes laced and then sending these flippant emails – ‘Tell me when laced. Thx.’

    My bosses know, everyone agrees they’re ridiculous and frankly I’ve been told ‘if you fail to meet a deadline or mess up with lacing, we 100% know that’s not on you and your team. But now… she’s somehow also started missing the answers we send her? So now I’m answering questions from her multiple times.

    I just dealt with a situation where her team hadn’t cc’d her on a question, we replied to her team that day (without her as she wasn’t included), then the next day she emailed and basically called me non responsive and added my bosses, to which I replied instantly with a brief apology the answer to the question pasted into the body of the email and then the original email chain attached. She then replies (just to me, of course) ‘can you forward the email chain’… but her email HAS the email chain attached to it?? I point this out and note my confusion and she just replies with ‘LOL. Been busy.’

    GUYS. Like, we’re all busy. My team is helping yours out. I don’t work for you. Please at least have the courtesy to not gaslight me while I’m out sick (note: and I only responded because this was literally flagged as a crisis… and it CLEARLY was not.)

    Thank you. I needed it to vent because I just got ANOTHER insane email and really want to reply with, ‘That really sounds like a you problem.’

    1. Just do it.

       1. “This is outside the scope of my team’s work. I would defer to your group to manage as you see fit.’

          Is that the way to say ‘you deal with it’ that won’t get me in trouble?

          1. I think that’s appropriate and/or ignoring it until the end of the day.

    2. The good thing here is that your bosses know she is the problem. If her incompetence is impacting your work, maybe it’s time for a conversation with your boss to see if they are able to have a larger conversation with blue shoelaces about it. Perhaps you can work with your boss to create/implement a new workflow and timeline to communicate to blue shoelaces. X must be received by this time in order to complete Y by this date, and then stick to it.

       1. Oh, totally agree and what’s more infuriating is that we’ve done all those things.

          Blue Shoelaces and especially this manager doesn’t know how to manage so everything is a crisis, thus all our agreed upon frameworks are ignored by them constantly. It won’t change until we actually fail… and then it will be pointed at us (I’m not concerned about fallout for me and my team as I have decent bosses who see this hot mess).

          1. Ughhh that’s the worst. You have my full commiseration. How do these people get and keep these jobs!

             1. Because we cover for them. Clementine, you’ve got to let it fail, or the powers that be won’t have incentive to fix it.

    3. Delete the crazy emails. Only answer the ones that are mission critical. Quit being her doormat.

    4. Implement a project management tool – smartsheet or something similar. Then status, deadlines, etc are visible to everyone.

20. I’m becoming more involved in leadership in a number of volunteer organizations, some nonprofit and some industry-oriented like the bar association. I am not in any positions where there is an explicit expectation to incur expenses, like buying a table at a fundraiser or donating $X per year, but these orgs certainly hope for support. While I do donate, it’s not to the tune of thousands of dollars. I keep hearing from business owners/partners, well I pay out of pocket to attend this far-flung event or to buy this table so you can too. I’m a W-2 employee. I used to be able to itemize but I don’t any longer due to the tax changes. I don’t think it’s fair to compare our financial positions, even though I’m a relatively high earner. And I also think these comments are just rude, you don’t know nor are you entitled to know someone’s financial situation. It reminds me of the brochures I used to get at church even as a child explaining that it never feels like a good time to tithe but you should anyway! Blech.

    Am I correct in understanding that business owners/partners can deduct business and marketing expenses to a much greater extent than a W-2 employee? Would it be accurate and not horribly rude to respond to these comments with something like, it’s so wonderful you’re able to do that and I can’t wait to be a business owner/partner/whatever one day so I can do that too! Or do I just smile and say ok and change the subject, which is how I have been responding.

    1. The obligation to donate and pay for these things comes with the territory. If you don’t want to contribute that much, don’t do the job or be ready to hear those kinds of comments.

       1. Yeah, I’ve always been a W2 employee and I’ve always donated to causes I’m involved with. And yes, it would be horribly rude to clap back at a reasonable expectation that you do the same.

       2. There is explicitly no expectation of any donation, which I confirmed before I joined. I do donate a few hundred dollars a year but I’m not shelling out $5k for a table.

    2. I’m a little confused on the exact details of what’s going on here and why you’re serving on the boards of multiple non-profits with your boss and why your boss would be pressuring you to make financial contributions. I’d recommend stepping back from volunteer work with your boss, as gracefully as possible. (Serve out your term and say your plate is full or you’ve been called in another direction.) For the time being, say something like, “I’m not able to buy a table, but I’m happy to organize the silent auction in May.” Non-profits run on time, talent, and treasure. Your treasure is off-limits to them for reasons that don’t matter; offer up your time and talent until you can get out of these situations.

       1. I think she’s saying that her fellow board members are business owners so they deduct their donations on their business tax returns, but she can’t and isn’t rich so she doesn’t want to donate a lot.

       2. If the treasure is off limits, OP needs to find a way to be involved that’s not serving on the board. Board donations are a metric non-profits get “graded on” for lack of a better term by foundations.

          1. If it’s that kind of organization, sure, and I’d hope they’d be direct with her. But there are millions of nonprofits that aren’t graded/ranked by any sort of outside entity. We don’t have enough info from her post.

       3. I didn’t read it as she’s volunteering with her boss, just that as she moves up in these orgs she’s volunteering alongside people who are at a higher income level, or are business owners who may be able to write off these donations. And then those people are asking OP why she’s not splashing out for plane tickets or a table.
          OP I wouldn’t say anything about deducting expenses. I think Anon at 11:24 has a good script.

          1. Ah, that makes more sense. “I’m becoming more involved in some non-profits and I’m feeling pressured by higher earners to contribute more than I’m able to or want to.” “If there’s no unspoken (or spoken!) seat-for-donation expectation that you’re breaking, then give your time or talent.”

    3. Deductibility doesn’t make donations free, though. It just subsidizes them at the marginal tax rate.

       1. While also providing free advertising. Around me, plenty of roofing companies, independent mechanics, and such donate heavily to annual banquets; their business features prominently at the event. It’s not really fair to expect an employee of a large company (or a company she doesn’t run) to do the same.

    4. I mean the expectation is the expectation. Perhaps you’re not the right fit for the leadership in volunteer orgs that you think you are.

       Whatever you do, don’t bring up the tax code. That’s just weird.

    5. Would your employer be willing to kick in some $ here since they can then get the advertising benefits of being a sponsor at these events?

21. What would you wear on a date to a drive-in? I’m feeling very uninspired in my wardrobe lately. Something that is comfy casual but cute. The standard jeans and a cute sweater situation? I think I’m just tired of all my clothes!

    1. you’ll be sitting in a car watching a movie? something leggings-based (velvet or faux leather for fun)?

       1. Love this idea! I would use this as an excuse to buy the Spanx faux leather leggings and wear them with a black or tan sweater. Any chance one of you has an SUV? If so, it’s super fun to bring camping stuff and set up a big lounge area in the back seat.

       2. OP here, thanks this is a great idea!

    2. Jeans or stretchy pants and a sweater. You want to be comfortable first and foremost, and the drive in experience can get chilly!

       How fun for a date though. I didn’t think there were many drive-ins left. We go regularly but just because it’s easier with the kids, and there’s one nearby.

    3. Drive in movies are a FABULOUS idea for those of us who still are not doing indoor public spaces. I can’t believe I didn’t think of it yet. Thank you!

22. How can I stop feeling so frantic, running too close or just late to everything, without any sense of calm? My work is really unpredictable (I work in HR but we are extremely understaffed, when any executive says “jump” I need to jump), I travel between 3 different sites on a weekly basis (fairly unpredictable), I am constantly rescheduling personal appointments, and I feel guilty when I take a full weekend off. I know one answer is find another job, but I do believe I’m in a temporary season while they work on hiring. any tricks for streamlining life, without spending too much extra money, during this time?

    1. I mean, the core issue is your job. Put an appointment on your calendar and ask in 6 months – is this better.

       When my life gets like this, I do a few things:
       – Book all personal appointments for the first slot in the morning. I get my teeth cleaned at 7AM. I go to the doctor at 8AM. My vet opens at 8:30. It’s easier to say ‘Oh, I’ll be in at 9’ than trying to leave midday.
       – Book an ‘admin day’. Literally put up an OOO, put yourself unavailable and go through and do all the admin tasks that are on hold.
       – Is it really needed to be in person all 3 days? Can you alternate weeks and focus on the sites but telework? If there are parts of your job you’re making extra hard on yourself, let them go.
       – Be realistic with your bosses about what’s going on. Tell them you need a weekend off.

       1. add on to #1 – I book next appt as I leave the last one, so I can plan around it. In some rare cases I’ll end up moving it if a new conflict comes up, but most of the time I can just avoid the date and kept the appt.
          I’m an employment lawyer so HR adjacent, and I think figuring out what is actually urgent vs urgent to the person who you are talking to is key. Also acknowledging receipt and setting reasonable expectations (“thanks for looping me in – I’ll reach out to subject matter experts and get back to you later this week”) is key.

    2. I felt the same way when I got promoted into a much more unpredictable position. A big part of it was that I needed to do less – like I needed to leave hours in my day to deal with all the last minute hoop jumping. That meant declining certain things, delegating others and extending deadlines to make more space. I also got more diligent about protecting my calendar – No 30 minute Zooms for things that could be a quick email and 5 minute call.

       I use the Balance Bound planner to keep me organized. It helps me think through monthly / weekly / daily priories in a quick way. I spend 5 minutes on it a day, maybe 10 on Sunday and it really helps keep me focused.

23. Reality TV question: do the cast members get to see the episodes before they air? The other weekend, I happened upon a watch party for a guy who was on a reality show. The party was held the day that the season was released. That guy got a great edit but not everyone did. I couldn’t help but wonder – what if you got a bad edit and now this bar full of mostly strangers are all looking at you like you’re a horrible person? Do they get some kind of heads up that they’re going to be the villain of the show?

    1. Nope. This happened to a friend of mine.

    2. Not sure if it’s the same for all shows, but at least for Undercover Boss and The Real World, cast members do not see the edit before it airs (I know people who were on both).

    3. I really don’t think so – I was in the background on a reality show (Bravo) and no one saw the edit before it aired.

    4. No they don’t.

    5. Generally no, but if it’s a show with a “reunion”, sometimes they get the final episodes before they air because they’re concurrently filming the reunion.

       And even then, the “stars” seem to be pretty bad at interpreting the public’s reaction. They really need both the episode and the social media reaction to it to figure out where they stand. (I’m specially thinking of Real Housewives, but I know other series operate this way as well)

24. Okay folks, talk me down.

    I’ve been having some weird symptoms, including a rash that has been tough to eradicate, some weird tingling sensations in my hands and feet and a few dizziness episodes that I attributed to low blood sugar. I went to the doctor for a routine visit and he ordered a few extra tests in addition to my normal bloodwork – including ANA antibodies and liver and kidney function tests – just to check to see if the bloodwork would reveal anything.

    The doctor’s office just called and my doctor got on the line, which has never happened before. He said he wants me to repeat the bloodwork ASAP but then said, the bloodwork results we got in combination with your other symptoms are concerning and the next step after the repeat bloodwork may be for you to see a specialist at the local university hospital. When I said, what kind of specialist he said, I don’t want you to jump to a lot of conclusions because we need more information, but your red blood cell count is pretty high and there is need to be concerned about a type of pre-leukemia called polycythemia vera. Well, the caveat didn’t work; of course I mentally started freaking out. I tried to stay calm on the phone but I think he could tell I was upset because he told me, there’s a lot more information needed before we draw any conclusions and if it is PV there are really good treatment options out there. We hung up, and of course I started Googling and yeah, I am freaked out now.

    Anyone have this happen to them? Doctor said it’s common for RBC to be high and for them to have to retest but when I said “okay but how high is mine versus what it should be” he said mine was at a 7 when it should be under 6? One thing I am wondering about – I have an IUD and don’t have regular periods and so could this just be I have – I don’t know – I have “too much blood” and I need to go donate, or something? I realize how stupid that sounds. Any advice is helpful, thanks for listening.

    1. I had something similar happen (signs looked like cancer to my GP, speedy referral to specialist). Honestly, I too freaked out. But when I got to the specialist, it wasn’t what my GP had suspected.

       That might not happen here, but as much as possible, try to wait until you have actual information to freak out about before you freak out ;)

       We have great medical systems in the US (Canada/Europe, whichever you’re posting from), and it sounds like whatever this might be is early, which is good news. Cyber hugs to you.

    2. 1) Step away from Doctor Google, it’s never a good idea.
       2) If it is polycythemia vera, it’s actually quite manageable (including with regular phlebotomy).

       (Not a doctor, just work in an adjacent field and deal with people’s random medical issues a lot).

       1. +1

          First, it is amazing how many times you repeat lab tests that things change. It may have just been an error. It happens. Repeat the test.

          And second, I agree that if it is Polycythemia, it is TOTALLY treatable. It is misleading to actually call it pre-cancer, because it is nothing like other blood cancers/disorders. Not at all. I promise you.

          And even if it is this, what is promising is that it might explain everything that is going on with you, and once you fix it, you will feel great. Totally normal! Should have no long term complications once you get your plan sorted out.

          So try to get the retest done today. Make an appointment with the hematologist as soon as possible for peace of mind. If they don’t have any openings for a few months, let your PCP know and get on the cancellation list for the hematologist. And then just call the office every couple days to see if they have last minute cancellations.

          1. My sister had polycythemia vera. I donated bone marrow, she had a transplant and is fine.

             1. Wow – thanks so much for donating your bone marrow. I’m so glad she is doing well.

                We all should be registered potential bone marrow donors. You can make an incredible difference …. and even save someone’s life.

                bethematch.org

    3. Being told you may have a pre-leukemia is scary! You’ve got my permission to be worried, but also, not too worried.

       So first things first: sometimes tests are not done correctly, and sometimes you’re borderline. Your doctor was right to be proactive and ask you to retest, but there’s a long ways to go before you have a diagnosis, and lots of differential diagnoses to consider. And if you are diagnosed with this condition, therapy is usually therapeutic blood draws, and there is nothing you did that made you more likely to get this condition- it’s usually a mutation in JAK.

       Your doctor is being proactive, which is exactly what you’d want- write down your questions now for your Dr visit post testing. Stay off Dr. Google, and if you absolutely have to, look at the Cochrane reviews and not webMD plz. Go call a friend who you can trust to talk about anything but, and put off worrying till you have more info.

    4. I have rheumatoid arthritis and get blood tests every 3 months as a baseline, more often if I’m having an issue.

       I can’t think of a single blood test in the last three years that didn’t have at least one significant value out of range. And it doesn’t seem to be my RA either. It’s just kind of random. Whichever one popped up (or down) on one test usually reverts to normal on the next test. That’s why they ask for a repeat test. You don’t know whether it’s a problem unless it’s consistent.

       I am not an RBC expert but slightly above range isn’t anything my doctor would even order a repeat blood test for. It’s when you’re double the top (or bottom) of the range that they check again.

       Anyway, you had these tests for a reason. Yes, repeat them to make sure they’re accurate, but you do want to know what is causing your symptoms, and the blood tests are a tool to figuring it out. In your shoes I’m sure id worry too (in fact, they thought I had lymphoma when they were narrowing down my diagnosis) but you keep doing the tests and hopefully arrive at an answer soon. Hang in there!

    5. A good friend of mine was diagnosed with PV. It’s very manageable, and it’s not a cancer in the traditional sense. It’s called that because it involves uncontrolled growth of cells, but in the case of PV the cells are not malignant. (I’m not a doctor but this is my understanding.) My friend is on medication and has regular phlebotomies, and is now doing great. IMO at the time of diagnosis her doctor badly and unnecessarily freaked her out by using the “c” word when it really isn’t comparable to what a layperson probably thinks of as cancer. The doctor should have explained that better when delivering the news. Stay strong!

25. Would this bother you? BF and I had plans for tonight that we made last weekend and confirmed Tuesday. Last night, we’re on the phone and he says, “What are your plans for tomorrow night?” I said, “you and I had plans to go to hang out.” He says, “right. I was thinking, would you want to come WFH at my coworking space tomorrow with me during the day?” I said that I couldn’t because I was going to the office. He says, “Ah. Well the thing is, my guy friends had made plans for tomorrow night that I forgot about and I want to join…”

    I don’t mind him rescheduling or double booking (accidents happen), but the way he approaches it just really rubbed me the wrong way. I feel like it’s important to me that someone be like “hey, sorry I messed up, I double booked. Can we do Thursday instead?” As opposed to acting like we didn’t have plans and then trying to change the plans without explaining why.

    1. Yes, I would be bothered. He should have admitted directly that he messed up his planning and was canceling on you, instead of asking what you’d be doing during a time y’all had plans. And I find it condescending that his offer of make-up plans with you is for you to come work at his work space for the day.

    2. This would bother me as well. I would be okay if he was honest and direct.

    3. Agree, I would find that dishonest and upsetting. I’d tell him exactly that. I’d also want to know exactly when these plans were made. If he’d fessed up at the beginning I wouldn’t probe, but since he’s already being shady, I’d definitely probe.

       1. Cynically, I had this thought too. Only OP knows him, but his being shifty about this made me wonder if he simply heard his boys were going out, wanted to ditch his date to join them, and then pretended it was a mistake (without even really owning that).

    4. Yes, it would bother me. And more to the point, it bothers you. So talk to him about it!

    5. I agree with you that the doublebooking is not a big deal but his dishonesty about it is.

    6. the occasional scheduling mishap, nbd; the weird way of bringing it up would grate on me, too.

    7. is he conflict-avoidant in other ways or is this a one-off? It would definitely annoy me but if it’s a one off, I’d let it go.

    8. Well, he’s certainly not getting an A in communications from me, up to and including the initial obfuscation, and then adding on the guy time > date time calculus.

       I’d be really annoyed and would have hurt feelings too!

    9. That really comes across like he was trying to pull one over on you and the sneakiness/dishonesty would be a much bigger problem for me than the last minute plan cancellation ( assuming that’s a one-off).

    10. How did he think this was going to work out? You had plans. Confirmed plans yesterday. He then asks you to come work with him during the day. Does he think at the end of the day you’d just be like ok I’m going home now bye! Of course not, you’d expect to grab a drink and head to dinner. Was his plan to gaslight you – no babe we ALREADY hung out today those were totally our plans why are you being so clingy. Yuck. I hate this kick the can down the road approach. It’s immature and disrespectful and an insult to your intelligence.

        If this isn’t the first time there has been some scheduling weirdness I would cut my losses. This kind of behavior isn’t something you can communicate your way out of.

    11. I commented separately but also: if you talk to him about this and he turns it into, why are you mad I’m hanging out with my friends, run.

        1. OP here – that’s exactly what he did. “Why are you mad I am meeting friends, I made these plans last weekend, I shouldn’t have to justify it” after I said over and over it was about the communication and not the double-booking. Then said I make a huge deal out of small things and “it doesn’t need to be like this.” And said I jump to conclusions and get upset about things that “don’t even matter.”

           1. I’m so sorry. This sounds like he’s showing you who he is.

           2. All of this is way more concerning than the initial scheduling snafu. I’d have told him, you’re right, it didn’t have to be a big deal, you should have apologized and moved on but instead you decided to gaslight and insult me. Also he’s the one jumping to conclusions that you have a problem with him hanging out with his friends when really the problem was communication about the accidental double booking.

           3. Oh nooooo…. I feel like he should from hereon in be referring to you as “the one who got away.” Sorry but better to find out now than later.

           4. oh honey, I’m sorry, cut your losses with this one.

              1. +1

26. For the reader who was looking for a hotel near the Eiffel Tower, I stayed at the Cler Hotel last fall. We booked one of the rooms with a view of the Eiffel Tower (they’re on the top floor). It was more expensive but worth it to us.

27. So, need help dressing for upcoming date night. The Saturday before Valentines Day, we have tickets for an Event at a local town. It combines a walking distillery tour, a 5-course tasting menu at an upscale restaurant and a professional photography session.

    I have skinny jeans and low boots that look good for the tour, but I don’t feel like that works well for the photos. I don’t think a nice dress is necessarily the right choice for the tour, though.

    I’m a size 20/XXL who is also 5’3”. Most of my clothes come from Amazon, Old Navy or Target these days, but I can go well beyond that. I just don’t know what will work for all of the different things we will be doing!

    1. Can you just change? Hard to find an outfit that would work for a walking distillery tour, an upscale meal, and photos. Could probably find something that works for two of the three, but all three is tough.

    2. Jumpsuit and leather jacket?

    3. Nesting fail. See comment below.

    4. For me it would depend on how much walking. I would want to be comfortable for that portion. I think dark pants and boots would be fine with a beautiful top in a great colour that you love and look good in. No one will see the pants and boots while eating and a great colour top will draw attention to your top half/face in the picture.

28. That’s quite a mix of events! I think I would dress primarily for the upscale restaurant and photo session, but with comfortable shoes. Maybe a flowy, not overly dressy dress with a bootie? Something like this? https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/the-marais-printed-chiffon-maxi-dress?category=top-rated-dresses&color=043&type=STANDARD&quantity=1

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