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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Fine, Rag & Bone, you can take all of my money. Their blazers are always top-notch, but this pine green blazer is one of my new favorites. I love the military-influenced stand collar, the shiny gold buttons, and the slim tailoring.
I would wear this throughout the fall and winter with black, gray, ivory, and camel pieces, or maybe even paired with a dark green dress for a monochromatic look.
The blazer is $575 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes 00–16.
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Anonymous
Does anyone have a good makeup/vanity mirror to recommend, with different magnifications and lighting?
Anon
I have this wall mounted one. It works fine.
Rechargeable LED Wall Magnifying… https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08RD4FK54?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
Anonymous
I have it too and like it.
Anon
I have forgotten how to travel since COVID. Specifically, what do you pack brushes, hairspray, makeup, etc. in? I have a water-resistant LL Bean shower kit, and in it I put baggies with makeup brushes, another of makeup, and then my TSA baggie with lotion, creams, liquid things in it. Baggies just seems so . . . not great. I get that I will be stuck with the TSA one, which is fine. But the rest seems sloppy. Makeup bags though don’t leave space for hair brushes and if you leave the makeup brushes loose, they get gunk over everything (powder brush, little brush for filling in eyebrows — have not found a pencil that matches my brow color (everything is too reddish or way to dark), so I have an Anastasia color pot that gets applied with a brush). Is there a better way?
Lydia
I have a hanging toiletries kit from ebags with a side pocket that I put my hairbrush in (separate from toothbrush, etc). Makeup bags usually have a separate area for makeup brushes… how many are you bringing? do you need more than ~3? You can also get travel size brushes (both makeup and hair).
for brows, I find benefit’s gimme brow in shade 1 is a fairly light taupe — not too warm or too red.
Cat
I have three small toiletry bags – a makeup one (in which I tuck my brushes in a baggie for the reason you describe), a sink one, and a shower one (this last one is literally just a baggie).
Makes unpacking a snap to put the baggie with shampoo, conditioner, shaving cream, soap, and razor at the shower, the toothbrush, toothpaste, face wash, contact stuff, hairbrush & products one by the sink, and the makeup one either by the sink or a mirror in the bedroom depending on counter space.
FWIW since I got precheck in the mid-2010s, I haven’t been asked to remove my toiletries in…. years? so never bother keeping all liquids in just one baggie, although all of them are 3oz or less. If I ever got flagged and forced to consolidate, I would ditch the cheapest items as easiest to replace.
Cat
oh, and side benefit of this approach, it is way easier to find pockets of space to tuck 3 small bags as opposed to one monster.
Anne-on
+1 to multiple smaller bags. I also keep my makeup bag in my laptop bag if I am going straight from working breakfast to working dinner (so 8am-9:30pm day) and it’s nice to have a smaller size handy for a touch-up.
Anne-on
I travel a decent amount for work and have different systems for different types of trips. First – you either need something which you can decant stuff into – I’ve done everything from rinsing out the nice sample jars you get in the gift with purchase sets to buying kits. Second – you need dedicated ‘bags’ – ziploc is fine for packing liquids but for makeup I prefer the ‘gift with purchase’ makeup bags, and an artist ‘brush case’ for makeup brushes (works well and isn’t too much $$). For longer trips I use a bag that I can hang from a hook in the bathroom to save on counter space (I love it, it’s the BOACAY premium hanging travel bag). Hairbrushes and a comb go in a (clean, new) shoe dust bag to save from getting crushed, and gel/hairspray are mini sizes – the mini aisle at ulta or sephora is worth it for stuff like this.
On a typical 2-4 day work trip I have: 1 quart bag with decants for my liquids, 1 makeup bag (I switched to liquids or sticks to avoid brushes fwiw), 1 hair brush bag, and a hair dryer or straightener.
Anonymous
Well for starters I would never travel with multiple hair brushes? I do a TSA bag with liquids, a similar size with solids, and tuck a brush in the top of my bag. Also never travel with makeup brushes. Or hairspray.
Anonymous
How do you apply makeup without brushes,.!
PolyD
I’ll bite. I use my fingers for foundation, I use eyeshadow crayons, mascara, and clear eyebrow gel. I don’t bother with powder or blush. I did buy one of those Revlon rollerball things that absorb oil, or I use the little blotter sheets that absorb oil.
But this is for fun travel, I don’t travel much for business and when I do, I’m in a field where most women do not wear makeup at all.
Anonymous
Is this a serious question? I put on sunscreen with my fingers. I sit on Nars Creamy Concealer with the included applicator and then blend with my fingers. If I’m wearing foundation, I dot it on with my fingers and blend with my fingers. I swipe on cream eyeshadow and blush with my fingers. I apply brow gel, mascara, and lip color with their included applicators.
Anne-on
I’ve swapped to mostly cream or stick products – the laura mercier caviar sticks for eyes, mini mascara, liquid or cream blush patted on with fingers (heck, I’ve used lipstick in a pinch) and then my concealer just gets patted on with a finger as well. I only bring tinted moisturizer about half the time and foundation seems to break me out so I usually just skip it.
Anonymous
Many of us still use our fingers for everything :-)
Anon
Nature’s brushes aka fingers. Great beauty blenders at your fingertips!
Anonymous
I would never travel with contact solution ir a contacts case. But I don’t wear contacts.
Ribena
The only makeup brush I travel with is a little mini kabuki brush from Real Techniques for my blush, everything else I use my fingers to apply. And then I use a travel size Tangle Teezer brush which has an attached cover so stuff doesn’t get caught in the bristles.
Anon
I par my makeup and brushes down to the minimum and use them that way every day – it helps me get out her door faster. Then that small bag with a face powder brush and eyebrow brush, eyeshadow stick, mascara, eyebrow pencil and compact with foundation powder goes with me when I travel. Hairbrush I just slip in my bag in between things, it doesn’t need a bag. Liquids I do in a few baggies stashed around where I find room, as others have noted, zero issues as long as the bottles themselves are small.
LaurenB
Honestly, I just have a big LLBean shower kit that I pack with all my toiletries. I never take anything out. TSA never notices (I am pre-check). I used to do the little baggies faithfully but I don’t think it matters much anymore. But if your question is really how to pare down makeup, etc. – there’s no need to bring shampoo / conditioner / lotion if you are going to a hotel, and the NARS Multiple (stick) does triple duty as eye shadow, blush, and lipstick.
LaurenB
I have a hairbrush called the Knot Doctor by Conair that I picked up at a Walgreens or CVS that has its own cover. It was inexpensive, I’m not spending money on hair brushes of all things. It doesn’t need a bag, just throw it in your suitcase. I can’t imagine needing multiple hair brushes.
Vicky Austin
Ooh, thank you for the tip! A cover would be so helpful – I always end up with so much hair in my suitcase.
ELS
I usually take two hairbrushes, but it’s because my hair is naturally curly. Basically, a wet brush for detangling in the shower, and a travel denman to distribute product and style.
Anon
I buy travel sizes of everything so I don’t have the bother with the whole decanting into smaller containers nonsense. It means that I don’t use my regular products for travel but it’s a short period of time so I don’t care. Also, Sephora is great for smaller sizes of skincare and makeup.
Anon
Lesportsac
Anon
I always carry my makeup, brushes, contacts, glasses, and essential toiletries in my carry-on (deodorant, skin care, toothpaste – all minis). Small bags for all. I do this for obvious reasons – once an airline lost my bag on my first day of work (which happened to be traveling to a conference). Thankfully, I did have the makeup and deodorant in my carry-on. Although I had to re-wear my clothing for a day. Now, I always have an extra set of clothing/shoes too.
Anon
Clean your brushes, first of all.
Second, get zip-top see through makeup cases for organization. Lots of places sell them.
Anonymous
I travel with a TSA bag for liquids -a proper wash bag with a zip, just in strong clear vinyl-like plastic.
Then makeup pouch for solids and brushes. I have plastic sleeves for eye brushes.
Small size hairbrush in my bag.
Anon
I’m wearing almost exactly this coat (last year’s version) indoor right now and it feels great! Admittedly, I would not wear it in the summer, but it’s great when it’s cool/cold out.
Anonymous
I have a mini hair brush and mini makeup brushes. The hair brush goes into my purse and the mini make up brushes are fine loose in my makeup bag. Just wipe them on a damp washcloth and let them dry overnight.
Anon
This looks like more of a coat than an indoor piece. Maybe because it is buttoned? Mens blazers never read as ambiguous as womens items. Stuff clear seems to be outerwear or not.
Anon
Yes, this looks too bulky to be worn indoors sitting at a desk working etc. It’s beautiful though.
Anon
Stunning color, but for me the visual weight of the fabric is at odds with the restrictively slim cut.
It looks like hefty pea coat material, too heavy to be comfortable as indoor wear. But at the same time, it looks too fitted to wear as outerwear over top of anything but a very minimal layer. While gorgeous, it reads as confused about what it wants to be.
Vicky Austin
Agree. It also feels like something I would have wanted very desperately from Aeropostale as a teen.
Cb
Aeropostale! I think I HAD this jacket, but I grew up in Northern California so it was appropriate winter wear.
Nesprin
It looks lumpy on the model, which is usually indicates that it’ll amplify my naturally lumpy torso
Anon
Not to my eye, look like a great winter piece. I rarely like the picks here but just bought this one.
Anon
If I had $575 to spend on a blazer, this would be on its way to me right now.
Anon
Enabling here, but I’m at a career point where a suit looks junior but I regularly need a jacket. My current strategy is to not worry about suits and get a few power blazers that work with a lot of bottoms (love that this is green so it goes with everything without looking like a mismatched suit). So this is expensive but about the price of a suit and can be paired with cheaper pants.
Anon
When it goes on sale. If it goes on sale. It’s gorgeous and I always get compliments when I wear emerald green (I have red hair and green eyes).
Anon
I agree with you. It’s gorgeous.
anon
It’s SO gorgeous.
EB
If ever you were to splurge on one, this is a good one. Rag & Bone is great quality clothing. Similar price point to Veronica Beard, but IMO, the quality is better.
LaurenB
This is gorgeous. Great pick.
Anon
I have two of these and they work perfectly well as an indoor piece–you don’t have to button it! On the other hand, if it’s not too cool outside, you don’t necessarily need a jacket over it.
Anon
It’s left unlined for a lighter feel? No thanks, not going to spend 600 bucks on an unlined wool jacket.
Anon
I don’t get the obsession with lining, I cannot stand it. It always settles differently than the outer layers, even in expensive clothes, and is bunchy.
Anon
But unlined pieces mess up anything with a sleeve and things bunch up like crazy.
LaurenB
How? Don’t you hold the bottom of the sleeve with your hand when you put on the jacket layer?
Anon
Lining doesn’t fix that problem.
Anon
Some sleeves are shorter than full length. Most, in fact.
Anonymous
Sigh- imagine finding a reason to turn up your nose at this. Nothing I buy is ever up to the standards of people here, even a gorgeous six hundred dollar blazer.
Just wait until someone insists that they have a totally sustainable, 100 percent wool,highest quality imaginable, perfect wardrobe that they bought at a thrift store and that they look so great that strangers stop them daily to say how amazing they look. :)
Anonymous
I posted the lack of lining criticism. Not to yuck someone’s yum, but as a sewist, I know linings have a purpose. They protect the seams. We have probably all ripped a lining, which is easily replaceable. With no lining, you’re putting stress on the outer seams and more likely to rip it. Linings also provide insulation and a more finished look as it hides any neck facings or other interfacing and seams resorting to colored bias tape to conceal the seams without a lining. I pride myself on a lining if I’m making a garmet that needs one. I can’t imagine spending $600 and not getting a lined garment.
Anonymous
Lining makes certain pieces hang better, and most importantly it prevents itching.
Anon
Totally agree. I hate lining in basically all clothes, but especially pants and blazers!
Anon
I have 2 of these from prior seasons – a dark navy one and a maroon one. I absolutely love them. Feel like a very nice wool sweater, definitely not like outerwear. Slim fit and not bunchy. I wear them all the time for warmth, comfort and style. Looks more “formal” than a sweater but it’s not as stiff and structured as a blazer. I would buy one in every color if they weren’t so expensive!!
Anon
Same here. I have one in gray and wear it all the time. It’s a great piece and I feel more put together when I wear it. I’m tempted to buy this one too. I never find them on sale.
Anon
I also bought this jacket in navy past season and loved until until I had it dry cleaned. It came back a different texture – not pilled, but not smooth – and I don’t love it anymore. Was this a dry cleaning mistake, or is it the fabric??
Anonymous
Hi ladies, I posted a few days back about my boss deciding to go to a conference and present my work to escape his kids. Well unfortunately I couldn’t convince the powers that be that I should go (their rationale is that the research is published under our organizations name with credits to authors, so since boss represents org it’s okay he’s not an author). Luckily I have an in demand specialty and with a whopping one email I already have a new job, so boss will be returning from the trip to me gone. I wish I was petty enough to delete the speaking points I wrote for the presentation. Overall a really crappy ending to the situation, I had honestly thought I was valued but the way this was handled makes it clear I’m not.
Marketiere
Good for you for recognizing your worth and taking action!
Anonymous
Well…good on you!
The only rationale I can come up with for allowing your boss to go is perhaps he brings in donor money? And that’s a big stretch with me trying hard to play devils advocate.
Enjoy the new gig!
OP
We don’t have donors, not that kind of org.
Nylongirl
Bravo to you for taking action!
Anon
Where’s Shots. Shots. Shots. when you need her?
Anonymous
I am so impressed! Congrats on the new job!
Anne-on
This internet stranger is so proud of you for taking action and getting a new job, well done you!
OP
Thank you! I really appreciate it, it’s hard because I don’t actually want a new job, but I know if I don’t leave I’m teaching my employer they can disrespect me.
Jules
Agreed. I’m sorry you had to deal with this crappy boss and crappy leadership, but so glad you were able to come out of it well.
anon
+1000!
Anonymous
So proud of you for this! You deserve so much better!
Mrs. Jones
Well done!
Cb
Well done!!! Go you!
Vicky Austin
I’m sorry you couldn’t put your own name on your work, but damn if you aren’t an utter badass! Way to stand up for yourself. (Not to mention how cathartic it will be for you to just be gone and leave boss in the lurch. Heh.)
Anon
Yes!
Badass of the Day award to OP!
Anon
KUDOS TO YOU!
I’m sorry they handled this so poorly, but what a rockstar action to take on your end.
Anon
Congratulations on your new job and I hope your new company values you!
Anon
GO YOU! I was hoping for a better in house resolution, but I’m glad you know your worth and your industry does too.
Dr. The Original ...
I would delete them and replace with things like “tell the story of Smith here” or “Tie this back to prior experience” or other notes that aren’t fake but would be useless to anyone but you. By the time you’d be asked, you’ll have left and, if they did ask, you could say that you planned to deliver your own work so the notes were written to jog your memory not for others to deliver your work as if it was theirs. Not petty, mindful of your own work and something you protect as you may want to use it in your next position.
Also, I don’t know your industry or details so maybe this would be petty to others, but even if you made them mad, you’re gone and you’re so in demand that it seems you’d be safe. I just don’t support making it easier for someone to steal your work, especially when you made it clear it mattered to you to present it.
Vicky Austin
oh this would be delicious, hehe.
Monday
I support this. Obviously you don’t need a reference since you already have a new job, and you could absolutely say with credibility that the notes were just reminders to self and not set up for someone else to be able to do YOUR presentation!
Cheers to you for getting out of there. I hope they’re screwed without you!
Anon
I love this, and they can’t fault you for it.
Anon
Do this. Or delete them entirely – in my field no one uses the notes section in ppt and we live and die in slides. Would not be odd at all to be given a deck without being provided notes.
Anonymous
If you haven’t yet provided the presentation to them (where they would notice if you changed or deleted the notes), I would totally do this. Or just delete them entirely. Not your responsibility to make boss look good by providing everything wrapped in a bow.
You’re my hero for quitting. What a jerk boss and overall organization to not see what a bad plan they had.
Cornellian
yes! and congrats, OP.
Anon
I agree with this. I’m usually very good about leaving on good terms, but have learned that if the company supports letting some dude take credit for my work, pettiness is actually a strategy. It is one of the few occasions when the target looks bad. Usually he’s been spinning up a tale of his own brilliance and how the woman is a sad useless gopher who is executing his vision. Leave and he will stumble and fall in so many entertaining ways that the project in question doesn’t stand out.
Anon
Congrats on the new job! Hopefully the next place will appreciate and recognize your contributions!
Anon
Good for you for making the move that you feel you need to make. I get wanting to quit with a flourish but I’d caution you to keep your revenge motive to yourself. Hopefully the next gig works out and you never need these people again, but I’ve not yet seen an industry that wasn’t actually a very small world and your story will never be told or viewed the way you want by others.
Curious
This is so badass. I’m sorry but I’m also very impressed.
ArenKay
You are my hero.
pugsnbourbon
Good on you for standing up for yourself. I hope this new job fully recognizes your value!
No Face
YAAAAAASSSSSS!
I know you feel that this is a crappy ending, but this is actually such a positive turning point. Taking power over your life instead of being walked over and nursing the hurt alone. Kudos.
And it’s actually great for other women. The org assumed that it could undervalue you because it assumed you would stay.
Anonymous
I was wondering what happened. That was so out of line to take the opportunity from you. Speaking gigs matter, especially as you advance in a career. Now to know he dug in his heels on it after acting like it was no big deal makes it even worse.
I wouldn’t consider that a crappy ending though. So often we wish we could get out of bad work situations and have to wait miserably for the right time. It sounds like sweet justice to me!
OP
I appreciate the support it means so much, before this I had thought this would be my job for the next 10+ years, so I’m just sad. Everyone’s positive words are helping more than I could ever express.
Anon
This is amazing and now I want to read your original post. Any idea what day you posted? I can’t find it.
So much respect to you for taking action!
Anonymous
Look for the suit of the week on 9.21.
Anonymous
Good for you. This is how change happens quickly.
Anon
You are my hero. I wish could do what you did!
Senior Attorney
Wowzers, you are a boss!!
anon
This is a baller move. Well done.
NYNY
Legendary. Perfect execution, no notes.
Panda Bear
Wow! Good for you. Your boss and leaders who supported his crappy move are terrible. I can understand how disappointing it feels to find out how little they valued you… on the other hand, how amazing and such a testament to your skills that you were snapped up so quickly by another employer. Congrats!
Hypatia
I love this resolution. You know in poker when people lay out their cards and say ‘read ’em and weep!’. This is ‘read ’em and weep’. Onwards and upwards OP!
slip on athletic shoes with arch support
Please help! I have spent literally hours scrolling and cannot find this unicorn. Background: I am about to go on maternity leave this fall. I would like a pair of slip on shoes so I don’t have to tie laces while holding baby and probably 10 other things. Purpose is for short to long walks around the neighborhood in the DMV. Bonus points for waterproof or water resistant. I have high arches and really need something with support.
This last one is nitpicky but I don’t like Vans-style shoes. I do generally like to wear cotton socks with shoes but could try going stockless for the right shoe!
Please respond with a specific favorite, not just a brand – I have worn and liked Skechers, Brooks for my running shoes, and Danskos for strappy summer beach/hiking sandals. I’ve searched through all of those brands but no luck on finding the unicorn. Maybe I’ve missed something you know about! Thank you very much!
anonchicago
Merrell jungle mocs fit the bill and are warm and waterproof. I have Toms as well but they don’t slip on as easily.
I’m in a similar boat at 7 months pregnant; it’s hard to tie my shoes so I’m only wearing what is slip on.
Anon
I have high arches and like crocs with a thick wool sock for a dry day. Great around the house also.
Anon
Sketchers and Kiziks both have those shoes you can slip on hands-free. Have not tried them, but the Kiziks seem less hideous than Sketchers’ option.
pugsnbourbon
+1 I came here to recommend the Kiziks. I love how they look.
Anonymous
I wore the Skechers slip on walking shoes when having feet issues and they were great and supportive
DCJ
I have multiple pairs of Kizik sneakers now and love them. So comfortable for long walks, and super easy.
ELS
Have you looked at Kizik shoes? I love sneakers but hate tying shoes, and these are made to be tied once, and then slip on and off.
I own both Kizik Vegas shoes (leather/leather-type upper), and Kizik Lima shoes, which are a more athletic-style shoe. Both types are very comfortable, and slip on and off. I have a walking commute, take long walks regularly in my leisure time, and wore a pair of Kizik Vegas all around Scandinavia this summer when I was walking 10+ miles a day with no pain.
Anon
Oofos. You need Oofos. Very, very supportive. I wear the flip-flops for SEUS year-around, but I keep a pair ofthe closed-toe version for fall/winter.
Curious
I used the Clark’s Tamzen step last year for this purpose (it has a back, but easy to get on) and liked it.
anon
on cloud
Anon
Specifcally the On Coud 5s would be perfect for this.
anon in brooklyn
Not athletic shoes, but I wore Blundstones for that exact purpose.
Colette
+1 live in DC and blundstones are perfect for this
I also have high arches and put in green smart feet insoles. They are now my most comfortable shoes ever.
Anon
+1 to the Blundstones.
I have the high top boots which aren’t the easiest to get on and off, but the low-cut shoe would probably fit the bill.
Stupidly comfortable, water resistant, high quality and long lasting.
I think the Chelsea boots are cute, but I don’t care for the low-cut shoe but YMMV.
anon
Not a sneaker but I like Sperry’s seaport loafers
Anon
+1 they may make me look dated. But as a mom to a little kid who’s always going outside, Sperry’s are so handy
Anon
I walk around the neighborhood with Cole Haan slip-on loafers and they are great. I’ve owned canvas ones in the past but live in a rainy area (PNW) so the regular leather ones are better for the water resistance. If you want to save some money on these, there are several of the older model (“pinch maine loafers”) all over ebay and poshmark – some are made of patent leather so those are going to really water resistant.
Nesprin
Hear me out on this: Vionic slippers. Have phenomenal arch support, rubber/lug sole and either slip on style or mule style (these are my house shoes), and are warm and fuzzy.
Anonymous
Second this rec. I keep indoor and outdoor pairs of the Gemma style so I can get them on as fast as possible if I need to take the dog out at night, and the arch support is perfect.
Anon8
I’m redecorating my attic guest room and stumbled on the Rifle Paper Co. x Loloi rugs and oh man they’re SO GOOD. I want all of them, but alas I cannot afford. Someone buy one so I can live vicariously.
https://riflepaperco.com/home-decor/rugs
pugsnbourbon
You can find them on Wayfair :)
Vicky Austin
I can’t quit Rifle. It’s all so pretty. Fortunately my mom loves it too, so I shop “for” her, constantly. Heh.
Anon
If it makes you feel better, they often go on sale. The cheap printed Loloi rugs though are basically mats. I find them to look a bit odd in person.
Anonymous
Agreed. I’m firmly opposed to printed rugs. They look cheap in person.
anon
I LOVE everything from Rifle Paper Co. And now I want a rug for my (carpeted) home office/guest room.
Anon
Ergh. I was nominated to play a voluntary role inside my company for a recognition program, and just had our presentation to leaders. The executive sponsors for my program included the future CEO of the company and 2 additional members of the C-Suite, one of whom I work with more regularly. I’m low/mid-level (title is manager but don’t manage people). I was visibly nervous for the first portion of the presentation. As in I’m sure they could hear my nerves in my voice. Once we got into the weeds and it was more conversational vs me presenting I think I was fine, but I’m bummed that my opening was not strong. For anyone else who frequently presents to senior leaders, is it normal to have these kind of jitters early on in your career? At what point do they go away? From what I’ve heard the only thing that helps is practice, so at least I have one more presentation under my belt…..sigh
Cb
I’ve never judged someone for being a bit nervous, it just means they care about the opportunity!
Anon
+1 – and get to know us, we’re just people too. I’m often up for coffee with rising managers. Helps to have a friendly face in the audience.
Ribena
Totally normal and no one will judge you. Advice I was given a while ago is that everyone you’re presenting to wants you to succeed – no one wants you to fail, they’re there because they are interested in hearing what you have to say.
Bette
A few things that have worked for me… When people are nervous, they often start breathing shallowly and talking faster – before a big presentation I make sure to spend a few minutes taking deep breaths in through my nose and exhaling all the way (really empty the lungs). You can even do some old school vocal warm up exercises. Helps calm the body and relax the voice which projects confidence. I also learned a long time ago that I have to wear high necked tops when I present, because inevitably my chest will flush like a lobster – dead giveaway that I’m nervous! And finally, it helps to harken back to old days of theater and drama – even if I don’t feel confident or knowledgeable or funny, I can play the part of someone who is all of those things for 20 minutes.
anonshmanon
+1 to vocal warm ups. My voice gets all wobbly in the beginning of a presentation, especially when I need to project my voice. My favorite is deep inhales, and strong exhales through a small opening of your mouth (as though exhaling through a straw). It warms up all those muscles, it also calms my mind, and it’s unobtrusive, so I can do it while waiting for my turn to speak.
Annie Nominous
I know how you feel and it’s really ok. You warmed up and got your message across. That is the lasting impression they will have. One thing that helped me was to visualize how I wanted the presentation to go (based on how I saw others present). And then I practiced like crazy until I could complete the presentation like my visualized version. Things got much better when I did this.
Murz
Does anyone have recommendations for a trip to Savannah at the end of October? I’m taking my mother (65) and its going to be our first trip together after some heavy family stuff to reconnect. We have four nights, and I’d like for the weekend to be fun, indulgent, and special, with just enough “stuff” for us to talk about so that we don’t get gloomy talking about the recent losses. A spa would be great, along with maybe a food walking tour or something else cultural. Any recommendations of where to stay/what to do are much appreciated! We’re a blank slate except for flights. TIA!
Woof
Hurricane Ian passed through Savannah, so item #1 is to see how things look for tourists.
Anonymous
It should be fine; it passed by Georgia offshore and didn’t come in until SC. My parents aren’t too far from Savannah on the coast and they didn’t even lose power.
Anon
Savannah’s completely fine.
Mrs. Jones
Globe Shoe Company is the best shoe store in the world.
anon
I haven’t done a food tour, but the tours my mom and i enjoyed on a trip there were the trolly hop on/hop off (got us to the major areas and then we could walk around, and the ghost tour (not sure this one is appropriate for your trip, but wanted to mention since it was one of our favorites). City market is fun for wandering, callie’s biscuits with pimento cheese were a treat. Check out the paris market, a really fun boutique. I don’t have a specific hotel recommendation, but i do recommend staying in the historic district.
Anon
A great architecture walking tour: https://architecturalsavannah.com/
DC pandas
I just applied for a former colleague’s vacant position. This is a large step up in terms of pay and range, so I’m crossing my fingers for a shot at interviewing!
Annie Nominous
Good luck! Do you have an advocate that can put in a good word for you?
Anon
Good luck!
Vicky Austin
Good vibes! Good for you!
pugsnbourbon
Big vibes!
Cb
A long-haul flight rec. I took my first long flight since 2019 and used one of those as-seen-on-tv foot slings over the tray rest and it made such a huge difference in my comfort and ability to sleep.
As an aside, Montreal, je t’aime! I’m not sure I actually did anything but I very much enjoyed walking everywhere and eating delicious snacks.
Curious
I’m so glad you had a good time :). Hope the drama on the work front has subsided and assistant’s ish gets sorted soon.
Anon
I posted Friday about what to wear to a Saturday night dinner with the CEO of my husband’s company. I thought it was just the people in husband’s department from my husband’s remarks (“we have a dinner with the CEO”). In typical husband’s-incapable-of-giving-enough-info form, it was a 200-person reception for the company’s philanthropic wing! 🤦🏻♀️ It was great to go – I’m impressed by all they do!
In related news, if you’re a pear-y hourglass (a little heavier on the bottom), I can’t recommend this Talbots dress enough. I got lots of compliments and it’s so comfortable! (I don’t think it looks as dowdy IRL as it does on the model. And the skirt’s a bit too straight I think for true pears.)
https://www.talbots.com/refined-ponte-knit-mockneck-dress/P223036589.html
Anon
So pretty!
Anonymous
great dress!
Anon
Are you a member of your alumni club? I’m considering joining my local club. It has a physical building with events, dining, and a gym. My concern is whether it will be a relevant resource for people in their 30s/40s that justifies the cost!
Anon
Wow — that sounds fancy. I was all-in on meeting any fancy people who would talk to me in my 20s and 30s. My school didn’t have that, but sponsored us for membership at a City Club sort of place. I did that and was glad that I did. As a first-gen person in my profession (my parents are govt workers), I didn’t know what I didn’t know (like I knew academic things, but not networking, etc.). It was really helpful for opportunities to meet people several pay grades or ages/stages above me and in many different professions. Back then I was a shark — stop moving and you might just die (in the professional development sort of way), so I didn’t it and didn’t pause too much to think about it (maybe a century ago, I’d be working there vs a member there, if we had gotten off of the farm at all), but it was a fantastic way to broaden my personal horizons. Plus, the economy was in the toilet, so I was looking for a new job all the time, even if I had just moved jobs, because it all lacked permanence. I moved and really miss having that in my current city.
Anonymous
This is a helpful perspective. I’m a first gen everything, so there’s a lot I don’t know. I’m in my 30s and moved to a new city recently where there’s a physical club house. I’m thinking about whether its a worthwhile investment that justifies the high joiners fee and annual fees for the next several years. Friends are members in NYC, but I don’t know any members here.
BB
Not a helpful response from me, but I’m wondering the same thing! I’m kind of curious to join to make friends in a new city, but the entrance fees on top of monthly dues make it so that it’s not like I can just join for a few months and quit if I don’t like it (I guess that’s the point of the fees).
LaurenB
If your local alumni club is wealthy enough that they have a physical building and events, then I think you should join, as most alumni clubs – even at elite colleges – are just clubs that meet wherever they can find an appropriate spot and don’t actually have facilities.
Anon
Isn’t this why people go to elite schools? It can’t just be the education. It really seems for making connections with a peer group and an alumni network.
Anne-on
Pretty much – especially in highly competitive fields/degree programs. I don’t work directly in the field I studied any longer, but my first job out of school was in a crazy competitive field – think fashion. I got one job lead through our alumni database, and emailed my thesis advisor when I got an interview. Imagine Andie interviewing with Stanley Tucci’s character at Vogue in the Devil Wears Prada. When I spoke to ‘Stanley’ my professor had already called him on my behalf (I didn’t know or ask for this btw!) and ‘Stanley’ let me know how highly he spoke of me and that as long as the rest of the team liked me the job was mine. This was all very, VERY common in my program (even for internships) and was/is a major selling point – alumni help alumni get jobs.
Anon
I know a few people who are members of the BC Club in Boston. They enjoy the ability to take business contacts to lunch or dinner without a wait, food is good, atmosphere is conducive to business or professional meetings. They enjoy the networking, but it goes both ways – talking to young alumni is also important.
Anon
Thanks, the club in question is another one in Boston, so this is helpful to hear!
anon
A friend just shared that she was diagnosed with stage four GI cancer and will undergo chemo, radiation, and surgeries. What can I get her to be helpful? Comfy blanket, slippers, something to help pass the time? Thank you.
Anonymous
Cancer survivor and caretaker of a parent with stage IV GI cancer. I would stay away from things like blankets and slippers because she will get so many.
The most helpful thing is cash equivalents. Grocery deliver gift cards so she doesn’t have to go to the store, takeout gifts cards so she can order what she feels like eating, Uber gift cards so she can take Uber to her doctors appointments, etc.
If she will have a port, some really soft port accessible clothing (half zips, button downs, henleys). If she will have a PICC line, a shower cover for the PICC line and some lace PICC covers for daily wear (check Etsy).
Friends at work asked everyone to contribute to a list of their favorite shows on steaming channels, podcasts and audio books. They organized them by streamer, and gave me a gift card for each streaming service that covered two months of Netflix, Amazon prime, Hulu and HBO Max. That was probably the best gift I received so if you know her through a group I highly recommend that.
Anonymous
The streaming idea is brilliant.
Curious
Streaming was great, but I was actually too overwhelmed to set it up and did not use it until recovery post chemo. If you can get access to her tablet or phone to do it for her, it would be amazing.
Anon
I liked Uber because the gift card worked for both rides and for carryout through UberEats.
Curious
I second cash equivalents. Also, if there are places you can offer brainpower, it might help. My sister aggregated all food gift cards and bought us dinner twice a week or so if there wasn’t a meal train night, so I didn’t have to worry about my husband and mom/ in laws getting food on top of them taking care of me and baby. It’s similar to setting up a tablet or phone with streaming logins as above. My executive function was crap and it was helpful to have someone do that stuff. Other fun things: I was inpatient, so decor for my hospital room was fun.
Anonymous
Also help for people in their family. Maybe you can help if they don’t have children or a spouse maybe you can help her family with travel arrangements etc.
Otherwise money is really best. There’s so much you have to pay for when you become sick. Parking, travel, offsite meals, supplies that are provided by insurance. Pet care if they aren’t at home, etc.
– Caregiver to a severely ill partner
Curious
Yeah. Parking is like a knife in the back.
Curious
(And yeah, we got an extraordinary amount of help with food that we will be paying forward for a long long time.)
Anom
Has anyone bought Quince bedding? I’m looking at buying a duvet cover and down alternative comforter insert for it. Curious as to thoughts on quality?
Anon
Haven’t bought their bedding but I’m not impressed with Quince quality in general. They talk a good game about it, but I’ve sent back everything except their silk tops (which fit a need but still aren’t great), especially their thin and itchy cashmere.
Anon
Hmm, I like their cashmere much better than their silk.
Anonymous
Agreed. I bought two items and I’m not impressed.
Anonymous
I have the bamboo quilt and I love it. Same price as the cheap stuff at Target, but feels much nicer. I’ve only had it about 6 months but so far it’s holding up well.
Anon
I recommend Garnet Hill for duvets (particularly their percale–heavenly!) and Company Store for duvet inserts.
Anonymous
Another plus one to Quince’s meh quality. I bought and sent back their “all season luxe goose down comforter”. It was thin and definitely did not have the “loft” or powerfill / warmth properties they advertised. Turned around and got Bloomingdale’s house brand one on sale for almost the price. So much fluffier and warmer.
Same experience for me on the clothing side —there is always one thing slightly off in the detail or fit. While my linen shirt material is thick, the cuffs are too tight to easily roll up the sleeves…the drawstring shorts are super comfy but they didn’t tack down the elastic and used a round tie so the waist is lumpy after washing.
A lot of their 4-5 star reviews are in the same vein too: “the shirt’s too low-cut/the dress is too short/something is not great…but I overlook it because it’s such a great deal and the fabric’s great!“
Anon
After working decently long hours the last two weeks, my boss passed along some well-intentioned feedback on Friday – basically that I needed to be better at prioritizing, critical thinking, listening etc. as she noticed I was getting a bit sloppy the last few weeks.
She agreed that I was probably being pulled in too many directions which was making it a challenge for me to prioritize, and that we needed to review where I was spending my time, and then build an action plan in according to that.
I’m just really disappointed in myself. I really enjoy my work, constantly learn a ton, but this is not what I wanted. There was a time last year (Spring/Summer) where my boss was concerned that I was not performing “at level” and we corrected for that, and since then I (think) I’ve been a strong performer – my management responsibilities have expanded, I’ve received great feedback, etc., and now I’m questioning fit, which just makes me…sad.
ArenKay
Hmm. I don’t think you should be beating up on yourself; these are understandable tendencies good employees can have. ( You are a hard worker and want to contribute, so you say yes to everything.) What I notice is you have a good boss: raises issues promptly, not judgmentally, and is constructive and forward-thinking. That’s good news.
pugsnbourbon
It sucks to get criticism, especially after two weeks of really hard work. If you’ve otherwise gotten good feedback and have been given more duties, then they recognize you’re a valuable part of the team. Unless you’ve gotten evidence to the contrary your boss wants you to succeed (bc it makes her look good). I hope when you have your next meeting you leave with a good plan in place and feeling better!
Anonymous
Is this just a dynamic between you and your boss? Maybe the convo you ought to be having is a “so am I okay here?” one.
I’m 38 and very critical. I have learned over the years as a manager that I need to sometimes “compliment sandwich” people or at least let them know how I operate. If you are still on my team, I think you are awesome. I tend to use 1:1 time as constructive criticism, not time to praise you. You see annually when I get you more money and better titles that you are doing a good job.
I argue with you/push back to make sure you are confident in your stance. And then even if I don’t agree with you, I go to bat for you.
FWIW when I got someone on my team a big promotion, I was surprised to think they thought they were being called in to be fired. I’ve softened over the years but perhaps your boss is more like me than you realize.
Anonymous
+1 although maybe the conversation you need to have is : do I want to work for this person? My self esteem and entire life improved when I quit working for highly critical people who thought they were being helpful but were actually just giant jerks serving up criticism for fun. Working for a boss whose default is “you’re awesome and I respect you” is life changing and it allowed me to thrive. People who are critical enough to call you sloppy after tossing a ton of work at you and watching you work long hours are jerks.
Clementine
Okay, this might be me projecting, but…
Do you ever feel like they are asking you to cover 47 teams, both be the worker making sure work gets done AND the manager at times, and you’re getting it all done. Not well, but you’re literally busting butt and their feedback is, ‘I just feel like you’re not focusing on strategy.’
You’re absolutely correct. We’re in survival mode, Sharon. We’re not thriving, we’re surviving. If you wanna jump down in the trenches where I’m hiring 8 staff/covering for 2 managers on leave/supporting half the department being out with COVID and still making deadlines, that would be great – but in this season? Be happy I’m adequate.
Anon
Glad someone else did this. I got a strong feeling from this of – the OP is actually very good but her manager sucks.
Remarkable or Other Method for Digitizing Hand Written Notes
I am trying to get away from my pen and legal pads for taking notes, but finding it difficult to move completely to taking notes on my laptop. I’m leaning heavily towards a Remarkable, but haven’t come across anyone in real life who uses it. Does anyone have experience with a Remarkable, Surface, or apps that allow you to take notes on your tablet and then convert them to searchable Word/PDF files that I can email to myself? Thank you in advance for helping me move to a more paperless system!
jdmd
I have a Remarkable. I adore it. It has simplified my desk, my bag, and my life. The handwriting-to-text conversion isn’t perfect (my messy handwriting might be the culprit, rather than the algorithm), but it’s pretty good. It’s difficult to describe, but something about writing on the Remarkable screen is ultra satisfying.
100% Remote Anon
I have tried Rocketbook (physical notebook with reusable paper that pairs with an app) & Good Notes on my iPad. I believe Evernote has a system similar to Rocketbook but not positive (and don’t believe the pages are reusable). Neither Rocketbook or Good Notes have fully replaced handwriting notes with regular pen and paper; I found I missed the feeling of writing by hand and the Rocketbook & iPad surfaces aren’t the same. I recently realized that you can scan writing using the iPhone camera and paste it into a text message/note/etc. so I might look into that but it doesn’t eliminate the using of paper which I would like to cut back. I also use Adobe Scan to send myself book/paper scans and then make them searchable.
Anon
OneNote on my iPad works for me, and the handwriting recognition is much better than I would have guessed. I did not like the feel of it until I put one of those paperlike screen protectors on. With that in place, it is pleasant to write and not weirdly slippery.
I used a Surface previously and it was similar, although overkill if you are only planning to use it as a note-taking device as it is a whole laptop on its own.
Anon
I have a Remarkable 2 and absolutely love it. I’ve tried taking notes on an iPad and on a Rocketbook and the Remarkable is much better. The writing surface is smooth but doesn’t have too much slip to it (like the iPad). It is lightweight and holds a battery charge for a long time. I also like that I can upload PDF documents to it and mark them up.
Horse Crazy
Coming from California, is it possible to do a week-ish long trip to both DC and Shenandoah National Park? Not sure how far apart they are – would it work logistically? Thinking next fall.
Anonymous
Definitely. It’s less than 2 hours from DC to Shenandoah depending on which entrance you go to. I haven’t been to Shenandoah (going later this month, actually), but I get the sense it’s a relatively compact national park and a few days is plenty of time in DC, so should be an easy combo.
PolyD
Spend the night in Charlottesville if you go to Shenandoah! The campus is very lovely and the town has excellent restaurants and bakeries. Monticello is nearby, too.
PolyD
OMG i think I am in mode because of Charlot-sville.
Cat
No, believe it or not, it’s exc3LL3Nt.
Anonymous
Yep, totally doable. The closest Shenandoah entrance to DC is less than two hours away. You will need to rent a car.
Anonymous
It’s doable, but I wouldn’t spend more than two nights at Shenandoah. If you have been to any of the western national parks you will find it unimpressive. The Blue Ridge “mountains” are just little hills and the park is choked with vegetation and not set off far enough from the surrounding towns and farmland to feel like actual wilderness.
Anonymous
This here.
You can drive the skyline and call it a day if you really want, but it’s not even as impressive as the Blue Ridge Parkway further south in NC. I wouldn’t plan any hotel nights around it.
anon
If you hike, Old Rag is a very fun hike—scrambling that feels almost like an obstacle course or puzzle, but not exposed on the side of a mountain.
Liza
Honestly the natural beauty you have access to in CA is WAY more stunning than Shenandoah. I would actually skip it and spend your entire week in DC – hit all the Smithsonians, monuments, govt buildings, historical sites: do the things you can only do in DC. If you want gorgeous vistas, stay close to home and go to Yosemite, the Sierras, the redwoods, Big Sur, etc.
Anan
Yeah- i go to Shenandoah a couple times a year and love it. It is very doable as a day trip if you take the the Front Royal entrance closer to DC. The southern entrance (Thornton Gap) is less crowded, though further away (three hours vs two)
Old Rag now requires a pass, if you are looking to hike that.
I mean sure we don’t have redwoods or half dome or El Capitan, but I think there is beauty and nature and peace to be found in Shenandoah that is worth being there for.
Anon
Has anyone here used a personal stylist/shopper?
By way of background, I’ve had a couple kids over the past few years and am at a place where I’m happy-ish with my body after some big body changes (see having kids during a pandemic) but I have a closet full of clothes that I don’t love. I have lots of clothes that don’t fit (both too big and too small). I also moved up a lot in my career. My job is client facing and I feel like my wardrobe also needs an upgrade.
I’m willing to throw lots of money at this. But I’m struggling to find a person who will work with the stuff I have/help me purge and come up with a game plan. I don’t want anyone who is going to recommend fast fashion or anything particularly trendy. I am ready to upgrade to mostly investment pieces only. My profession skews more professional so looking for someone with more of a classic/timeless look that caters to executives and isn’t going to push for me to make purchases with much regularity going forward.
Does this exist?
More Sleep Would Be Nice
Following with interest.
LaurenB
I have heard good things about Elysha Lenkin. Her personal style is looser than what you’re looking for but she will have a good sense as to what you want.
Colette
I don’t know but I need this too for the exact same reason.
I follow abbyhernandez on ig who does this and I really like but she skews much more casual/special event.
Anon
Someone here suggested Carly Goss on Instagram for general fashion tips, but she has a styling business that focuses exactly on what you’re looking for!
Anonymous
It seems her style is much more causal and trendy rather than professional vibes to me. Is her service different from what she posts on IG?
Cb
Lani from Real Life Style? She was on a podcast I listened to and seemed great.
Anon
I was in a similar situation years ago after 2 kids (but no pandemic). I wanted investment pieces I love and that were tailored or fit perfectly. I ended up just going to a Nordstrom personal shopper and she set me up with a bunch of well fitting wardrobe staples. I still find myself going back to those staples all the time. But it did not help me curate what I already had in my closet. So I have a lot of random tops that I can combine with a classic tailored pant from the Nordstrom shopper, etc. Not perfect, but it did the job.
Anonymous
Angie from You Look Fab. She wears suiting.
Anonymous
I would look for two things: first, someone to come and pare down your closet to things that are current, you love, and that look good on you. Second, for a personal shopper. I have a recommendation for you for both things – on Instagram, check out Carmen Davis @charmedbycarmen. Her style is not my style, but it doesn’t matter – I am the same as you (post kids, investment pieces, exec in conservative industry) and she has consistently helped me pick out my favorite pieces that I wear all the time. She gives me just the slightest edge that helps me stand out without looking inappropriate or too young. I constantly get compliments on “my” style, which is actually her style, and on top of it all, she’s a lovely person. Could not recommend more highly.
amberwitch
I haven’t tried her personally, but it seems like Bridgette Raes might be a good match.
Try reading a few of her blog posts about her work with clients, to see if you get the right vibe from her: https://www.bridgetteraes.com/
Camla
+1 for Bridgette Raes. You can get a good idea of her work by checking out her blog.
Anan
She’s not an Instagram influencer, or anything but Lynly who runs Tailor Point Styling does this – she helps with closet refreshes and shopping advice. She’s based in DC but also does virtual appointments. (I knew her professionally before she made a pandemic job pivot from theatrical costume design to personal styling.)
Lobbyist
Yes I found a personal stylist in my town she is great. Goes to the store ahead of time and puts stuff on hold. I come and try the things on. then I buy what I like. then on a different day we go to my house and make up outfits with old and new clothes together, and she tells me what to keep and what to dump from what I have bought without her between now and last time I hired her. We take pics of the outfits so I can remember what all goes together. Highly recommend.
Sara
How do people feel about accepting an offer, but continuing to look for a a more interesting/better offer?
I could use some advice. I’ve been at my company for almost 10 years (first job out of college). I relocated (east coast to CA) early in the pandemic and worked remotely for my last job until the return to office this fall. My organization is not allowing full time remote. My management is giving me until the end of the year to figure out my next move. This is all as I expected – I was transparent with my employer about the relocation. My management tried to get an exception for me to work remotely, but the company feels strongly about bringing ppl back to the office. As a result, I’ve started networking and preparing to make a job change around the end of the year.
Unexpectedly, my company’s partner organization in my new city approached me with an offer to do my same role for them. The offer is attractive (25% raise mostly for cost of living, relocation bonus even though I’m already in CA). They need to know asap if I want to accept.
The issue is, I was feeling excited to make a change. My networking is going well, I have lots of ideas of roles/companies I’m interested in. But, this offer beat me to a actually applying so I am not sure how difficult it will be to land a new job, especially because I am targeting roles that are a pivot for me. Taking this offer to keep doing the same thing feels uninspiring.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Does anyone have advice? If it’s relevant, husband has good job. I am the higher earner. We have no kids, no debt, no mortgage, so if there’s ever a time to take a risk, this is probably it. Yet, I can’t shake the feeling that it’s stupid to turn this down without something else lined up. And that its okay to be selfish and take this job even if I don’t plan to stay.
Anonymous
Take the job. If you find a new job, quit it.
Anon
Take the role. With ten years at your previous role, you can leave the current role if it’s not a good fit without looking like a job hopper.
Anon
You would definitely burn a bridge if you accepted their offer and then left for something else very shortly after.
Anon
Take the offer. Keep looking casually. This way you can hold out for juuuust the right job, which may take a year +.
Anon
Take the job! Enjoy the security and the raise and then you can casually look and hold out for the right opportunity which may take time.
I admit that I value security over many other things so I wouldn’t want to gamble with being unemployed after the end of the year.
Anonymous
There was a thread semi-recently about household communication apps that I cannot find. My SO and I have been using the “Giggle” Hangouts product for over a decade to chat and send pictures for over a decade. It’s been a really nice source of conversation history and file sharing, but the product has changed over to “Giggle” Chat and we aren’t getting notifications the same way anymore so we need something else to communicate that isn’t text messaging. Someone here explained how they were using something else to keep their whole family up to date… was it Slack? Are there other ways that readers here are communicating with someone when your collective style is tantamount to a daily stream of consciousness that transitions often between computer and phone?
Cb
Whatsapp if you are OK with facebook, Signal or Telegraph if not? I just use it in my browser when I’m at my desk.
Ribena
I just got back from France last night, and… I might have fallen in love with Paris???? This is dangerous.
Cb
So fun! I love Paris and have been loads but always want to go back. My London bestie and I are going to have a reunion in Paris for 4 days over reading week next year, since it’s such a good wandering around, snacking, chatting city….
Anon
I love Paris. I’ve been twice now and plan to go maybe biannually forever.
“Don’t you want to explore other European capitals?” Nope. Just Paris.
Sasha
It really is incredible. I go at least once, sometimes twice a year, just to hang out at this point. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea (or red wine) but, for me, it’s one of the only places in the world that looks & feels 100% like the pictures
Anon
Hawaii is another place like that.
Honestly, if I could regularly fly back and forth between Hawaii (Kauai specifically) and Paris and my home base of Berkeley, I’d be set for life.
pugsnbourbon
That would be a quite a life!
Senior Attorney
Yes! Even my big-city-hating husband has fallen in love with Paris! Paris, je t’adore!
Anonymous
Yup. And please everyone reading stop staying in air bnbs and short term rentals in Paris. It’s an incredible city because it is a living city full of actual French people. Stay in a hotel.
Ribena
+1 million. I was in a very cheap ibis styles in the 19th arrondissement (with an unexpected MLK theme to its decor) but it did the trick.
We have the same problem here in Edinburgh!
Anon
I mean people have had pied-a-terres in Paris forever though. . . .
Guest help?
Advice needed. A colleague of mine (same level, different office), stayed at my condo for two weeks with her boyfriend while DH and I happened to be travelling for work and she wanted to be in my town for some family events. I offered to let her stay. A We’re all in our late 30s. She was quite careless with a number of things, which has resulted in $2-3k worth of damage. She called me to let me know on a couple – broken vase, broken lamp. Accidents, it happens. She offered to pay for the lamp.
But… She tried to be helpful on a couple things, but made it worse. She put the sheets in the wash but then left and we weren’t back for another week, so now the washer is all mildewy. She ran the dishwasher before she left but put cast iron & a bunch of wooden / crystal items through the dishwasher, many of which broke. The induction cooktop is cracked.
Do I bring it up? Just never leave her unattended around my stuff again ? DH is livid, as the broken kitchenware is his pride and joy. We can afford the repairs and replacements, but it’s pricey.
Anon
I would actually be frank with her about it, she should pay for the damage. I’d be mortified if it was me.
As an aside, maybe next time don’t be so generous with colleagues. I think it blurs the lines personally
Anon
All of this, especially not letting colleagues stay. You said sent let her stay unattended – geez don’t let her stay at all!!
Separate issue: she’s in her thirties and breaks this much stuff???
anonshmanon
+1 to your last sentence, which is why I can’t really fault OP for trusting the colleague. A grown professional who doesn’t realize wood and crystal don’t go in the dishwasher? Who cracks a cooktop and doesn’t say anything? Same for the washing machine? You may forget to take out the things as you leave, but just pretend it didn’t happen?? I don’t think I would consider the possibility that any of my colleagues could do that.
Vicky Austin
Info: does she have a pet bull?
I’d ask her to pay for the damage to the cooktop, for sure. And I would never ever let her stay again.
Cb
It’s incredible. How could someone be that destructive? Did she have a kid or dog with her? Although I have a kid and the most we’ve broken or damaged is a bowl.
anon
I don’t know any kids who are this destructive!
pugsnbourbon
I am very clumsy (wineglasses are a consumable) but that’s a lot even for me. The sheets and cast iron smack of cluelessness, but how do you crack a cooktop? I figured they were pretty robust.
Anon
Only way I can think of would be to drop the cast iron skillet on it and even then it’s a bit of a stretch. I’m not a fastidious person and am pretty clumsy and I’ve never, ever come close to this level of damage in my own home, let alone someone else’s. Do these people normally have a maid/housekeeper/staff handling this sort of thing? I can’t imagine fully formed, self-sufficient adults messing this much stuff up.
Cast iron in the dishwasher? That would be justifiable homicide around here.
Anonymous
The glass ones aren’t. I’ve seen one broken by dropping a casserole a few inches onto it. Methinks the cracked cooktop may be related to the cast-iron pan.
KS IT Chick
I once cracked a glass cooktop by overheating a burner with a cast iron and ceramic pot on top. When I went to move it, a chunk of glass came with the pot. Otherwise, it sounds like something dropped on the top.
Anon
I am aghast. How does a grown adult not know how to take care of people’s things on this very basic level? How does she manage her own life, not knowing to take wet sheets out of a washer before they mildew? Unbelievable.
Flats Only
Honestly this is just bizarre. I would say ONE of what you describe, with an upfront apology and offer to pay for it, would be normal. Broken vase AND lamp AND cooktop make me wonder if there was some sort of violent altercation.
Anon
Totally agree — how is it even possible to break so many things so quickly?! Insane!
NYCer
Seriously, that much damage by two adults is beyond “things happen”. Very weird.
Anon
Makes me think “invited all her friends over for big drunk party.”
Anon
This. Have a chat with your neighbors and see if they noticed anything odd.
Anon
Agree with all of this. OMFG cracking a cooktop.
anonymous
What an awful human being. Make her pay for all damages.
Eesh
Ugh, sorry! I’d let the mildewy wash go without mentioning it (though that is so annoying!) I’m not sure how I’d handle the dishwasher items. I would definitely raise the cracked cooktop though.
anon
This is insane. How on earth did she cause this much damage?! Did she have a big drunken party? Some sort of physical altercation? This isn’t normal. She should be paying for absolutely of it.
Anonymouse
Are you sure she’s actually your friend? That’s a LOT of ‘accidents’ in a short period of time!! Not having any other information about her than her age, it appears she’s definitely of an age where she should know how to properly care or or handle things.
Anonymouse
And course after I post I realize the other side of the coin is that something terrible happened between her and her partner. Or her partner did something and she has to cover. Or a myriad of other reasons this house sitting went so poorly. It may not be malicious. You know her best. I’d definitely be pressing for an explanation. I hope it comes to a conclusion everyone can live with.
Anonymous
if my former roommate were alive, I would think this could be her. She wasn’t ill-intentioned, but she just did not understand “stuff.” So I had to clean all the pots and pans because she would not believe me that they should not be put in the dishwasher or why I would have spent $500 for a set (all of which I still have and use 25 years later). She was absolutely capable of misunderstanding an induction cooktop and being careless enough with it that it cracked. And she was sloppy enough (and drank enough) that breaking a lamp and a vase could have easily happened because, say, she draped her clothes over it or had to carelessly reach around it to get something. I certainly would noy have this person in my home again. I am (too) nonconfrontational so probably wouldn’t say anything but you are in the right to do so.
Seventh Sister
My MIL is like this about stuff, especially ones that are not things she bought for her own enjoyment. She’s cracked and broken multiple wine (Riedel!) glasses of mine, ditto plates and cups of all types and price ranges. She also does stuff like set a hot teapot directly on a wooden table, and don’t get me started about the water rings on every available surface in my house.
When my kids go to visit, she’ll put their stuff through the washer on hot with maximum bleach, then dry on the towels setting. She also got motor oil on the LL Bean totes I’d send with the kids, which fried me because those bags are not inexpensive. Considering the bags went from my house, into a luxury SUV, into her house, and back again, I could not figure out how that happened! It’s not like they were camping at Pep Boys for the weekend.
After 15+ years of this nonsense, I’ve decided that she’s like this because all of the stuff she buys is cheap crap, so taking care of something is foreign to her since all material objects are basically disposable. You have my deepest sympathy.
Anonymous
Send her a bill and never let her or anyone else stay in your place.
Anon
No advice but OMFG my children (middle schoolers) seem so competent right now. Like they would never do this but they know that they must always fix or pay for what they break.
Anon
What happened there? I know you said you can afford the repairs but it’s a lot for a one week stay! Between DH, DD, the cat, myself, and having guests over, we don’t break that many things in a year. The sheets in the wash are also super careless… My opinion of a colleague would change a lot if something like this happened. If I were you, I’d bring it up. Even if you’re not after the money, just to give her a chance to apologize to the extend needed and patch the relationship. Regardless, I wouldn’t let her near my things moving forward.
Anonymous
Wow- this is beyond. How do lamps and vases get broken? I have 3 young kids and even they don’t break furniture. Was there a fight in the room?!
I would try and figure out what went wrong. Ask in a concerned way. Like wtf actually happened. The cast it on pan in the DW and your sheets- annoying and she should know better but I can see that happening. The broken stuff though?’
Anon 2.0
I cannot wrap my mind around this. A lamp that was accidently knocked over or a dropped bowl, that is understandable. All of these items broken is not normal and goes beyond the scope of carelessness. I’d just point blank ask her, a lot of items are damaged, how did this happen?
Anon
Itemize each broken thing in a list, tally up the costs, and show her, asking respectfully that she pay for what she broke. Take photos of each broken thing, find out how much each thing costs, etc so there are no blurred lines or room for argument.
That’s crazy!!!
Senior Attorney
This sounds like a good plan. Present her with the evidence and request payment.
Although honestly, if it were me I would just eat the cost and vow to never, ever let anybody stay in my home in my absence ever again. The whole thing is just so weird and if it is an abuse situation I don’t want to make things worse for her.
Anon
SA – agreed. This is beyond weird, and so my mind immediately went to abuse (party was a close second thought).
Before sending an itemized list, if you see her in person, I would ask her directly if everything is okay. Tell her that you returned to a lot of things broken and in disarray at the apartment, so you are worried about her. Pay close attention to what she does/says next. Either she admits she threw a kegger, or she may indicate another red flag. Follow up accordingly with an invoice or help :(
Anon
Everyone is different so what I say has that caveat. Incas once in an abusive relationship and understanding how it affected my friends is some of what got me out of it. Don’t mince words. You don’t have to be a jerk, but “you and S.O. did $2,439 of damage between the cracked cooktop, broken vase, broken lamps, shattered crystal, etc.” can help someone understand how not-normal this is. You refusing to put up with his b.s. (breaking your stuff because he can) helps her to see that she shouldn’t put up with it, either.
Anonymous
I would absolutely ask her to pay for the cooktop and the lamps/vases. I struggle a bit more with not-dishwasher-safe stuff. I’m not sure everyone knows that certain things aren’t dishwasher safe. The cast iron can be scrubbed down and reseasoned, that’s not a total loss though it is annoying. The wooden stuff can hopefully survive one dishwashing cycle, but I know lots of people who put wood in the dishwasher, so if you didn’t say not to then… I think you gotta let it go. I’m on the fence about the crystal, imo it depends on where you store it. Is it in the kitchen where most people keep “normal” everyday glassware? Or is it in a special cabinet with obviously delicate stuff? I would expect them to take clues from context as to whether it was fancy; I wouldn’t expect everyone to be able to tell they’re drinking from crystal vs glass.
And the mildewy sheets – isn’t the solution just to run them again? Is anything actually ruined/in need of professional cleaning/otherwise costly? I think it’s fair to ask her to cover actual out of pocket costs but I wouldn’t bring it up otherwise.
Anonymous
Agree with this. A lot a people truly don’t know how to wash stuff, and don’t know the difference in materials, so all the washing mistakes could be in good faith even though the sum of them are WTF! worthy.
But the broken items are something else. Like a poster above, I would be concerned that the boyfriend is abusive and that she’s covering up (or following his lead, if he’s minimizing and telling her it’s normal that things “happen”, “nobody cares”), so would lead with being worried for her, but that you are very unhappy with all the broken things and would like her to replace them.
As for how the induction got broken – could be the cast-iron, forcefully put down, or it could be something that just happened, glass has weak spots. With the rest of the damage they did, I’d assume dropping the cast-iron.
Anon
Different take, I’d let it go. I’d be pissed, absolutely, but I think the coworker angle really complicates things. If she were normal, she wouldn’t have broken all the stuff in the first place and not said anything. You raise it and ask her to pay, I see a weird HR situation in your future. Wouldn’t be worth it to me. I’d consider the cost to be the price of learning not to lend your place out.
Anonymous
Has anyone bought a mattress online? Did it work out, or is it better to go to a physical stores and try some in-person?
Vicky Austin
We bought our Tuft & Needle sight-unseen in 2018 and have never had any complaints.
Anon8
+1 bought our Tuft & Needle in 2015 and still going strong!
Ribena
Yes, I bought a Casper online in 2019 and I love it. I was however comparing to a low base – I had spent the previous seven years in furnished rentals with crappy mattresses so pretty much anything was going to be better! But when I come home from a trip now part of what I look forward to is my mattress.
Anonymous
We got a Saatva, then returned it and got a Purple, all online. Very smooth process from both companies.
pugsnbourbon
We bought a Helix online in 2020 and it was great. We did a lot of research but are happy with the purchase.
Formerly Lilly
Westin Heavenly box spring and mattress in December 2020. It sags where you sleep and started doing that only a few months in. I’ve tried rotating it, and have simply generated four dips in it by doing that. I hate it. Every day. I am trying to convince myself to trash it and buy a new mattress even though it’s not even two years old, because it makes my back hurt. I have a standard box spring and old style coil mattress in another place and I sleep very well on it, so it’s definitely the Westin mattress.
Anon
I’ve done this twice (low end and high end) and been happy both times.
I already know what I like in a mattress though (thanks in part to being nosy at hotels and AirBnBs and looking up the features of mattresses I actually liked).
Anonymous
I bought my latex mattress online and it is probably my favorite possession but also so comfortable I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning.
Anon
I bought an Avocado online and love it. But more to the point, I have a friend who bought a Casper online, hated it, and found that they really did honor their guarantee so it is fairly low risk to try it.
Anon
I think this is very dependent on your sleep preferences. I have a very hard time sleeping and needed to test out a bunch. I tried my former roommates Casper mattress and it felt way too soft. I got an extra firm mattress and love it! I could never buy online without testing it first.
Lydia
I bought an Avocado recently and did not love it, but they sent a topper to help with the problem (base model is too hard!), so we’re keeping it. Not sure I would order again though.
anon
.Has anyone ever felt regret at adopting a puppy? I know it will pass and it’s just hard up front, and I’m not giving him up or anything. I’m just frustrated and exhausted. We have 3 dogs right now which makes this a bit harder, and I’m just over it. When does this feeling end? He’s ~5 months now and we picked him up from the shelter at 4 months. He’s in general well socialized and this is all normal puppy stuff. We have his last shots Friday then will start formal puppy training (have been working on stuff at home too)
When will things normalize?
Vicky Austin
Ha, you’re reminding me than when my dog was 4-5 months old, I set a reminder in my calendar for his first birthday to remind myself to celebrate that we made it. By the time his actual birthday rolled around, I had completely forgotten how stressed and frustrated I was. I bet formal puppy training will help immensely – it’ll work his little brain and social muscles, and a tired dog is always easier to deal with. You got this.
Anonymous
IME, paint points came in difference phases for different reasons:
1. The whole first two years
2. Each time I was in an intense period of caretaking for someone else, especially having a baby
3. A drawn out end-of-life situation
It’s ok to acknowledge the lows.
Anonymous
As a friend said when I was feeling this way “They make them that cute so you won’t throw them off a bridge.” This is normal, but you’ve got a few months to go.
Anonymous
It will stabilize but also don’t get a third dog. You see it all the time. A third dog means congrats you’ve decided your main life priority is dogs.
Anonanonanon
No thoughts just commiseration. In a similar boat.
Anon
Same here! I have a 9 month old puppy, had him since he was 8 weeks and regretting it! But I will not give him up. Sigh….
Mrs. Jones
Yes. It’s hard!
Anon8
I got an incredibly challenging puppy in 2018. She was a nightmare — holes in all my clothes from jumping and biting, she hated being on leash, chewed on my WALLS and molding (literally looks like we had a pet beaver), and when she was exhausted would just get cranky and hyper, not fall asleep. If you weren’t actively looking at her she’d be devouring a non-food item, yet refused to eat her dog food. (NB: I read a bunch of books beforehand, took multiple classes with different trainers, exercised her plenty, talked to the vet etc., etc. she was just a troublemaker!)
She has grown up to be the most hilarious, intelligent and sweet companion. I’ve had strangers recognize her at our local farmer’s market because they love her so much, people have told me “I don’t like dogs but I like this one.” I adore her and can’t imagine not having her. And now I laugh about the puppy stage even though at the time I was doom-searching “give puppy back?”
So all that’s to say if you’re in the puppy blues stage it will pass, I promise. Some dogs take longer than others but hang in there and it’ll be worth it on the other side!
Anonymous
I could have written a similar post. He came home at 8 weeks in early 2019. My first dog. We took courses, hired trainers, etc. I had lots of regrets and sometimes didn’t like him too much.
He is now almost 4 and is such a joy to so many people who light up when they see him coming. He is lying on the rug in front of me right now snoozing away. It’s hard to believe how much I love this little furry beast.
anon
What does everyone think of the French tuck? (tucking your shirt into your pants in the front but not the back) Does it look too “stylized?” I can’t figure out if I can pull it off without feeling silly.
anon
I have been doing the french tuck for years for convenience and I think it looks put together but casual ish. I am also someone with a super minimalist style and won’t wear anything that looks like I’m trying to have style, if that helps calibrate.
Seafinch
Similar. Have done it for at least twenty years. Sometimes the lines need the demarcation.
anonymous
I’ve tried it, but I just can’t get it to work on my apple-shaped body. Looks good on others, though. My thought is that if it makes you feel silly or uncomfortable and you’re constantly fussing with your clothes, it’s not worth it. I like to wear things that make me feel fabulous.
Cat
I love it, it’s flattering to my waist from the front (tunic length is awful on me) but not as stuffy as a full tuck.
Anonymous
Yes, I do it all the time.
It sounds like you feel self-conscious when you do it. The way to get over that is simply to start wearing it. Give it quite a few tries (in low-risk settings, like running errands). You’ll learn if it’s something you just needed to get used to or if it’s something you really don’t like and don’t want to wear. But don’t let your initial feelings of discomfort stop you.
anon
not for me, mainly because I am self conscious about my midsection and I feel it draws attention to it.
pugsnbourbon
I usually do one accidentally b/c my shirt comes untucked in the back.
Lots to Learn
Queer Eye highly recommends for guys… I’ve tried, but I don’t know what to do when there is a side slit on the shirt, so the tail of the shirt hangs out when you tuck in the front. That looks silly to me, so I feel like the french tuck only works when the shirt has an even hem at the bottom. But maybe I’m doing it all wrong!
Anon
I only do it when I feel like the proportions of a top don’t work with whatever bottoms I’m wearing. Like a tunic top with skinny pants, fine. A tunic top with straight leg pants can look boxy, so I do a half French tuck, just tuck one side of the top. I’m not usually worried about the back because I’m usually wearing something over it, so only the front shows.
Anonymous
I just got a chair recovered and wanted to do a matching pillow or two, but my friend’s sewing machine is broken. Should I buy my own? Take to a sewist? Could I just do it by hand?
ALT
You *could* do it by hand but it would be a major pain. I’d either look into having a sewist do it (an upholsterer maybe?) or if renting a machine is an option. Or if you think you’ll use a machine a bunch, then buy one.
Anon
Have you checked your local library? One of ours has a makerspace full of cool tools, including sewing machines and a serger.
Anonymous
I’m a little confused by the combination of “my friend’s sewing machine is broken,” which sounds like you know how to sew and were planning on borrowing her machine, and “could I just do it by hand?” which sounds like you don’t have enough experience with sewing to know whether sewing a pillow by hand is possible.
If you know how sew, you might see if it’s possible to rent a machine. Or, buy one if you plan on sewing a lot.
If you don’t know how to sew and don’t want to learn, just ask around to find someone to make the pillows for you. They’re easy.
If you want pillows that match the quality of your newly recovered chair, I personally wouldn’t sew them by hand. I can sew by machine and by hand, and I wouldn’t get the quality I wanted doing it by hand. But go for it if a more hand-made look is fine with you, and if it’s something you’ll enjoy. Particularly if you have enough fabric that you can still have a sewist make some new ones if you don’t like your results.
Anonymous
What does one owe a friend dealing with mental health issues? Someone I know is heavy in a crisis now but has cut off all contact with me because in their current state they think I am out to get them. Does being a good friend mean I have to try to persuade them otherwise or can I just be there if and when they come to their senses?
Anon
Give them space. It’s not up to you to fix their mental health, especially when they don’t want you to.
Anonymous
Oh, he11 no. Hang back until they come to their senses, and then be very cautious about resuming the relationship.
Anonymous
Nothing. You owe it to yourself to take care of you.
Anonymous
If you’re dealing with someone having mental health issues who thinks you’re out to get them, it’s hard to imagine what you could do or say to “persuade them otherwise.”
Anon
Yeah this. I’m confused as to who would even think that’s a good idea.
anon
Have any of you made a deliberate move from a management role to an individual contributor, while staying with the same organization/group? Any thoughts on how to do this with minimum drama and with clear lines of responsibility would be greatly appreciated. And how did you communicate this proposal to your boss? After 5 years in a mid-management role, I am tired and burned out and no longer want to do this. I work for a decent place, though, and would hate to leave altogether. Luckily I’ve been doing substantive work all along, not just managing people, so I’m not worried about my technical abilities. I have never seen this done before, but I think it might be the way to regain sanity.
Anonymous
IME the only way to do this is to apply to an open individual contributor position.
anon
I did it by making a sideways move to a completely different team and making the case that I wanted to be with the organization long term and therefore learn different aspects of the business.
Anonymous
I think you have to be open to the potential that you will take a pay/title cut and from there it’s a convo with your manager.
anon
Oh, I definitely wouldn’t expect to keep the same title/salary!
Anon
Has anyone achieved CoastFIRE? How’s it going for you? Did you shift into a lower-stress job? Curious to hear stories.
Anon
I don’t follow FIRE but I downgraded to a much lower paying, less stressful job at 31. Of course then I immediately had a kid so my life didn’t get that much less stressful overall.
pugsnbourbon
But think how much harder it would have been in the stressful job!
Anon
For sure! That was my main motivation for doing it.
No Face
10/10 would recommend. I enjoy my colleagues and my work. I don’t feel pressed to work for raises or bonuses, even though I’m still getting them. If I was suddenly laid off, I could enjoy being unemployed and take time to look for something I really want, rather than needing to jump to another job. If my job became toxic, I could quit without hesitation.
AnonQ
Pretty much. Making a fraction of my biglaw salary. Post-tax, it covers my expenses and not a ton else. Still putting a little bit in the 401k but feel good about my retirement level and investments in a LCOL area after 10+ years of dedicated saving. Working a job I enjoy that is low stress. Never turn my laptop on during weekends. I might ramp up again one day, especially if stock market returns remain low, but I also don’t live the uber expensive life of many here, so maybe not.
Anonymous
At a recent outing with a male business associate/ new friend, he started asking about my partner. Said my partners name with this time I didn’t like, in his (opinion) LDR experiences didn’t last, then later brought him up trying to call him Dick as a nickname for his name Richard, and I was not having it. To me these comments made me think the person fancies me. I am not at all interested in this person, even if I were single—among other things we don’t know each other very well imo and he speaks badly about his ex wife. He’s interesting, we’re have some things in common, we see each other professionally but we’re not in the same office. Wwyd?
Anonymous
I wouldn’t spend anytime with this person
ArenKay
He is gross and not a friend. Avoid.
Anon
Cut him out and don’t engage with him past what’s necessary in your day-to-day work life. Men crossing boundaries is a ticking time bomb and the question inevitably becomes “Why was she allowing these inappropriate comments?” implicating the woman even if she’s done nothing wrong. Apart from that, he seems like a bad guy and is being mean to you.
There are better people to network with, and better people to be friends with. Cut this guy out.
ArenKay
He is gross and not a friend. Avoid
Anon
Gross. He’s hitting on you and knows you are taken.
Anon
He’s trouble, keep away.
Anon
How do you deal with an SO who makes significantly less than you? My SO has a decent job but is definitely not as ambitious as me and will never match my income. It affects things like renting an apartment and planning vacations. It’s is very frustrating as I feel like I can work my tail off but I would still have to pay more than half as my income and lifestyle increase. On the other than, I’ve dated the wealthy guys with great jobs and they definitely were just looking for some arm candy. I’m sure there are some of you who can relate! How do you avoid feeling resentful like you’re working so hard and your SO is just cruising?
Anon
What’s wrong with just cruising – can he not support himself and is bringing in negative cashflow to the relationship? I make more money than my husband but our finances are shared. I don’t think it’s productive to keep track of how much either of us is paying towards any specific item.
Anonanonanon
It might depend where you are in a relationship? Your situation describes my marriage but it works because my SO’s “cruising” allows me to focus on my career while he pulls weight in other ways. It’s not a source of resentment since we are a team and have different contributions to the team. I realize this may be different earlier in a relationship when you have individual pots of money and have to decide who contributes what.
Anon
We have been together under 2 years so it doesn’t feel like we are such a team in the financial sense. We have a good division of household chores etc. But as far as the finances go, there’s no joint money, joint accounts etc. It’s still very much my money and his money. Neither of us want kids so it’s not like he will be the primary caretaker or anything.
Anonymous
You are referring to him as your SO, so I am assuming you are not married. Given the language in your post, I think this is not the person for you and maybe you need to take a step back and consider if you want to keep enmeshing your lives. Money isn’t everything but it sounds like it is very important to you and that you expect it to become more and more important as you are making more and more of it. If this man’s financial failure is going to feel like an anchor keeping you from the fabulous life you envision for yourself, and he is not going to be a net boost to your earning capacity while not earning (e.g., stay-at-home dad, caretaker, etc.) you should also not drag him down with your resentment. It’s okay. There are decent guys who make money and there are women who will appreciate him for what he offers. Neither of you will have to be alone if you are not together.
Anon
This is great advice. Fwiw, I dumped that guy for the same reasons. Money is important to me and I didn’t want to stress about it and wanted an equal earning partner.
Anon
This sounds like the type of thing you’ve signed up for and have to accept. My mom says in a partner, you should like 70% of them and accept the other 30% (so long as there are no dealbreakers). You’ve chosen him over wealthier guys – you have to accept that that means he might not be able to afford the lifestyle you want without you covering more of it than he can. You can’t change this part of it and you can’t magically make more money appear. You could adjust your lifestyle requirements – ie, being okay with less fancy trips or a less fancy apartment – or make peace with the fact that if you want a nicer apartment that he can’t afford, you’ll have to cover the difference.
It sounds like you are scorekeeping a bit. Relationships are never 50-50. If one person has nails and one person has a hammer, you don’t debate which contribution is more valuable. You use both and see how far it you can get together. I am more emotionally mature than DH – I probably have to have more patience in some of the difficult conversations when he gets activated. But he puts up with me having a lot of feelings and is calm during. Are there contributions your SO makes that you might be overlooking?
All that said, it doesn’t sound like you’re okay with this. Figure out if it’s a dealbreaker for you or not. If it is, leave and let this guy move on. If it isn’t, suck it up and let it go. No use lamenting something you signed up for that you can’t change.
Anon
I don’t want to break up with him. I want to figure out how to get over this and not feel resentful.
anon
I wonder if you have some unexamined beliefs about gender roles that are playing into this. Not a criticism at all; I think some of this stuff is so ingrained that we don’t even realize we’re holding onto those thoughts.
Anon
No, I’m sure there are some traditional gender role expectations influencing my feelings, even though I certainly am not the traditional wife-type. I never had the intention of being a SAHW etc.
Anonymous
This is going to be 100% about you and it will probably take therapy. The capacity for resentment is pretty deeply ingrained in people, I think, especially if you are feeling it after just two years. So you are going to need to go to a professional who can help you distract your mind to refocus on things other than his financial failure each time that thought enters your head.
Anonymous
Are you resentful, or are the two of you just misaligned here? Resentful to me kind of implies that the person doing the resenting is in the wrong. I’m not sure you are, at least not without knowing whether you have tried talking to him about it honestly, and trying to get more aligned. I’d be annoyed at my partner if they didn’t let us stay at a nice place due to their pride.
Anyways…as someone who has been there, here are some thoughts directly on your question of how to get over it. First – life is long. If he’s a life partner, then I can promise you that there will be many seasons of change. Maybe he will be like this forever (sounds like you’ve decided that even if he is, he’s your person). But honestly, it’s not just this vacation, it’s every vacation ever for the rest of time. Maybe he will find his passion later in life, work his butt off, and make 5x what you make. It’s impossible to know, but I do think you might want to think through which of these people he is. Second – it’s probably the obvious answer, but what helps for me is objectively sitting down and thinking through the counterpoints to my annoyances. My husband’s career is incredible right now, but there have been several years in our marriage where he was inert. Looking back on those times, I can see all the non-career things he did for us. If you’ve decided you’re in it even if it never gets better, then I think the next step is to try to make it better.
I think talking about this with him is so important. How does he react to your thoughts? Resentment can be a cancer on your relationship, and you have to WORK to stop it, including with the help of a therapist if necessary. I think the work you do is kind of personal. For example, one thing I had to do was learn to ask for exactly what I want. Your partner deserves to know that he’s upsetting you or not making you happy, or whatever, so he can fix it. It seems that the issues surrounding money spent on stuff could be resolved pretty easily by talking about them – the bigger issue to me is that you seem to feel he is lazy. That was the hardest thing for me to get over, and I’m not completely over it, but I make it better by focusing on myself and trying hard to be upfront about what I want.
Anon
“My husband’s career is incredible right now, but there have been several years in our marriage where he was inert. Looking back on those times, I can see all the non-career things he did for us.”
Yep. Honestly, folks, over the 25 years my husband and I have been together, there have been so many ups and downs in our careers that I can’t even track them all. At one point, my husband was really doing well. Then company management changed, he got forced to take a 20% pay cut and ended up leaving the job without another one lined up. At that time, I was doing great, but a few years later I went to work for a company that (unbeknownst to me, obvs) was doing shady financial stuff and they ended up going under. He’s up, I’m down; I’m up, he’s down. It’s been like that health-wise, also, and with our relationship with our son (sometimes I’m more in tune with what’s going on with our son, sometimes he is) and in our relationships with our relatives, the entire 25 years. (Fortunately, the times we’ve both been “down” haven’t lasted long – but they have happened. Unfortunately, the times where we’ve both been “up” have been just as brief.)
Marriage is a balancing act. If you partner up with someone and think, well, this is it, now we’re just going to spend our lives on a continual upward trajectory, going from strength to strength with no bumps in the road – I’ve got news for you, no one I know has a life like that.
Maybe OP will be able to get over feeling resentful of her partner or not, but I will say that most of the marriages I know where both people are drivers/achievers in the career area are either not very happy, or they didn’t last. My husband is not career-driven, he’s just good at what he does and that’s lead him to success. I am more driven, but get bored easily and also have hit some patches of bad luck that I let derail me for longer than they should have. The important thing is that through it all, we’ve been there for each other, and our love and support for each other hasn’t been conditional on everything being super-great all the time. If you are the type of person who wants 100% control over your destiny and choices, long-term partnership with another person who has their own wants, needs, drives, ideas and goals may not work for you.
pugsnbourbon
Is he overall a good partner? Do you love him, or do you love vacations/nicer apartments more?
I’m not trying to be flip or critical. I’m the lower-earning spouse (though I left my original very low-paying field). I like to think I’m a decent, supportive partner. I definitely don’t want to feel like my partner resents me. If you can’t get over the resentment, it might not be the relationship for you.
Anon
I love him more than the vacations/apartments. When planning our most recent trip, obviously my budget was higher and my friend said would you feel more resentful in a lower end hotel or paying more for the nicer hotel? I’d rather pay more and enjoy myself. It also feels like he doesn’t appreciate that I’m willing to pay more so we can have a nicer experience. He also says things like he can pay his share which he can only do if I lower my standards and I’m not willing to do that.
anon
I don’t think this is the relationship for you, unless you really, truly can do this without being resentful. This is a lot of scorekeeping, which can turn ugly, quickly. Is he your partner in life, or “just” a boyfriend?
Anon
Okay, with this comment, you sound like you are trying to make him “feel” or react a certain way. You can only control yourself. You can pay for the upgrade, but you can’t make him appreciate it. From everything you’ve said, it’s pretty clear that he is happy with his lifestyle. He doesn’t want fancier trips, or he’d change his job or life to be able to afford them on his own. Just because you are paying doesn’t necessarily make him want them more.
I see you as having two choices – (1) you pay for the upgrades because it’s what YOU want, and do not expect him to react in any particular way to the upgrade or to chip in because it is not something he values, or (2) find another partner who similarly values what you do and can afford to split it with you.
Anonymous
So you won’t slum it in a three star hotel like a commoner but are also bitter and resentful he can’t afford your champagne taste. That’s not great.
Anon
+1
Cat
That dynamic is awful. I outearned DH by 2-4x early in our careers (I was in Biglaw while he was clerking and then at a small firm) and if he’d been all b-tthurt that we needed to stay at a Motel 6 for vacation bc of his salary, there is no freaking way I would have married him.
Anon
Ack – please stop using the awful term b —- hurt. Really bad history there, and one that should be stricken from use, along with all the other dog whistle insults out there.
Also, doesn’t sound like the boyfriend was upset, OP is upset that boyfriend was not fawning all over her because she upgraded them. Boyfriend doesn’t seem to want/need the upgrades as much as she does, and she needs to figure out if not valuing things the same way is a dealbreaker. Considering that she sees him as lacking ambition and wants him to be grateful for the upgrade, I think the differences in values is a dealbreaker.
Anon
OP here. I’d just like him to appreciate where I spend more so I don’t feel taken advantage of which leads to resentment.
Cat
You can’t make him want and appreciate nicer things. If he’s happiest when he feels like an equal contributor to the level of experience he’s comfortable with, that’s what you’re going to get.
Anon
Maybe I’ve been reading too much Carolyn Hax, but you need to think of the upgrades as something you are doing for yourself. Full stop. Not for him, not for you guys as a couple. The upgrades are not meaningful to him. Stop thinking of it as something you are doing FOR him or FOR your relationship. Think about what is actually meaningful to him – is it doing a specific activity? For instance, if he loves biking, but you don’t, and you guys spend one day of your vacation biking, that is something you are doing for him. He has been pretty clear that the upgraded life is not a gift he wants.
And if you can’t fathom a life where you are always paying for upgrades (apartments, vacations, etc.) that you want and he is ambivalent about, then it doesn’t seem like the right relationship for you.
Anon2
OP you can’t make him feel a certain way. Maybe fancy vacations aren’t his thing. Maybe spending time with you is more important than the accommodations. Have you talked to him about this?
Anon
@anon2, yea he’s definitely more of a relaxed laid back guy who isn’t so career focused. He wants to enjoy his life more which is great but life still cost money. He said if he went into the higher paying job he originally intended to pursue, he would have been miserable. On the one hand, thank goodness he’s not a miserable guy working a miserable job. On the other hand, I don’t do my current job because I love it! I do it because I don’t hate it, it pays well and there’s room for growth/higher salary.
pugsnbourbon
Came back to read the comments.
” I’d just like him to appreciate where I spend more so I don’t feel taken advantage of which leads to resentment.”
I honestly said “yikes” out loud at my desk. Do you need him to gush over the pillows in the fancy hotels or something? You’re looking at this relationship in such a transactional way.
Anon
@pugsnbourbon, relationships are transactional to a degree. If you’re working long hours every week and then coming home to cook and clean while your SO works a 9-5 and doesn’t contribute to household chores, that would be a problem. A partnership means both people need to bring something to the table. There is an element of a transaction there. Maybe one person cook and does dishes and the other does the laundry and and deep cleaning. Either way, there’s a division of labor that should be as equal as possible, depending on circumstances of course.
Anon
“relationships are transactional to a degree”
I don’t disagree, but you don’t get to trade your money for his appreciation as part of your “transaction.” You want to do what you want to do. He is going to feel the way he feels about it. Frankly, I think you are better off finding a different partner who earns more and is what you would probably define as “up on your level.” And your partner would be happier and better off with a different partner, who didn’t deeply resent him for feelings he does or doesn’t have. Demanding gratitude for something another person didn’t ask for is really repellent to me; it’s heinously manipulative and usually means the “giver” is a narcissist. Speaking from my own lived experiences.
lawsuited
I feel I have to point out that the OP’s concern is not related to equal division of labour. She said that they have a good division of household chores, which I take to mean that the “you cook, I clean” of it all is handled. OP’s SO is bringing as much labour to the table as she is – he works a job outside the home and splits the household chores. The OP’s concern relates to earning power and not labour. Many, many, many people are not actually compensated commensurate to their labour, on both ends of the spectrum. My husband and I work the same number of hours every week, and he actually is far more stressed about his job outside of work hours, and yet I am paid more than twice he is because my work is disproportionately valued. I don’t put more effort into my work than he does, possibly the opposite. I’m not saying the OP’s situation is identical to mine, but it’s helped me to realize that there is no moral superiority in doing work that is disproportionately valued and higher paid. OP seems to want extra recognition for being the higher earner, and it’s worth asking whether that’s because she truly is doing more or whether she’s defaulting to a bias that high earner = more successful person = better person.
Anon
I pay 100% of our household expenses. He has paid 100% of our household expenses in the past. We will probably even out a little bit at some point but will always be lopsided. We view the income as shared, the expenses as shared, and our dynamic is such that it’s always all been both of ours. If you like the guy, I think you need to evaluate whether you will always resent him for his income and his ambition, because it is not really fair to him if you have an unspoken expectation in this regard.
Anon
Hi it’s me. I’m married to him. It’s our money and we never considered whose money it was paying the mortgage or vacation expenses. Once we had kids, his lower tier job was a blessing because he was able to step away from the workforce for a while and be a SAHD until preschool, and he never traveled for work, meaning we didn’t have to coordinate who would be around to do kid pickup etc when I was traveling. It worked well for us.
Anon
That works great if you have kids but that’s not in our plan.
ArenKay
But it’s not just about kids. The “cruising” spouse can pull more of the cooking, cleaning, dealing w/repair and delivery weight. You sound resentful, so I’d say either try a few sessions w/a counselor to reframe or just break up. Resentment is relationship poison.
Anon
I was considering couples therapy.
Anonymous
Nothing you have said here makes me think your SO needs to attend.
Is your thought that perhaps the counselor can encourage him to be more ambitious and to make more money? To want the same material things you want? To be more grateful that you are upgrading his experience of life without him having to work for it? That’s not going to work nor is it an appropriate use for therapy.
Go on your own. Figure out if you can change your mindset about this or if this is just a relationship requirement that this relationship doesn’t satisfy.
ArenKay
Multiple other commenters have said, and I agree with them, that this is a you problem, not a him problem. You cannot make him change how he feels about money or his career. Couples therapy frames it as a couple problem, where one of the goals is to change how he feels about money. I’d encourage you to spend a few sessions with a counselor (just you, not him) to figure out if you can reframe this (other commenters have suggested good reframing–upgrades are for you, not for him).
No Face
My friend has a marriage like this without kids. Her career skyrocketed and he is holding down the fort.
Anon
Agreed, if you have a “big” job there’s a lot of value in having a stay at home spouse, even without kids (or with school-age kids where the spouse is not doing much weekday childcare).
Anonymous
Sounds like you want to be bitter
Anon
We don’t have kids and this is our dynamic. My partner used to make 25% less than me, then had some medical things where he didn’t work for several years. He’s now working and makes 10% what I do. He also does 100% of the laundry, most of the cleaning, and all of the emotional labour for our dogs and cars. His un- or under-employment means that I was able to travel 100% of the time before we moved for my new role. We’ve been together for 8 years and I’ve always been the higher earner. Even when we were travelling in the first year of our relationship, we didn’t discuss who was paying for what or whose budget we had to stay within, and I’ve never resented paying for more things because I make more money because we’re a team.
If the issue is the resentment, then i think you need to step back and consider whether this is a partnership where he brings value outside of his financial contributions.
Anonymous
My SO has always worked hard, and picks up a lot of the non work labor, like dealing with car repairs, contractors and our household staff. I could not have had as smooth a career without him and don’t resent the $$ differential in our jobs.
anon
My suggestion is that you stop thinking in terms of 50/50. If you make 70% of your joint income, then you contribute 70% toward joint expenses (like rent/mortgage) and 70% of expenses that may not technically be joint (like a vacation) if that is something you really want to do with him as opposed to on your own or with a friend. This is the difference between being partners in life and just dating. And if that makes you angry and frustrated, then you need to break up with him and only date people who make roughly the same amount you do.
However, I also suggest you ask yourself if you respect him. (“Just cruising” suggests maybe not.) And if the answer to that question is no, then you owe it to yourself and him to either change that if you can or end the relationship. Because contempt is corrosive.
And because this might sound harsh, please understand that I am not making a value judgment about you (or him). Sometimes peoples’ values about work and money do not align. That does not make them bad people – just bad for each other.
Anon
You are the one wanting the nicer hotels, so you can’t be resentful of him not being appreciative of you paying more money for something you are the one wanting. It’s for you, you’re making the choice, and it’s not something he cares about.
I think it may be helpful to ease the resentments by acknowledging he isn’t doing anything wrong. He is who he is. He doesn’t care about fancy hotels and he can’t afford them. You do care and you can afford them. Is that okay with you? Can you accept this about him? If you can, then accept it and move on.
You don’t get to decide how someone should feel or how grateful they should be, especially when it’s not something they care about and you’re doing it for you.
Liza
I mean, how long have you been together? From this and your comments below it does not sound like this relationship is for you. It is surely possible not to resent a lower-earning partner, but there’s no way to “avoid” feeling resentful: you either feel that way or you don’t. You either respect a man who earns less than you, or you don’t. You’re either comfortable earning the majority of the money in your partnership, or you’re not. And it’s perfectly fine however you feel, and you can even choose to be with this guy anyway because the good outweighs the bad. But be honest with yourself, and don’t think there’s some way you can trick yourself into thinking differently than you really do. However you feel now, time will only make it worse.
Anon
I’ve recently in my relationship realized that I want to be with him, and I want to make it work. And if that’s the goal, I have to let go of a lot of anxiety, OCD, scorekeeping, and neurotic tendencies. There is no scoreboard and there is no jury of who is right or wrong. There is only us, and whether or not we have a healthy and happy relationship.
It sounds like you really want this to work, and if so, the only key to letting go of resentments is truly letting them go. He is who he is, and you have to accept him, full-stop, if you want it to work. You don’t get to want to have a happy relationship, but also tend to resentments and “shoulds.”
I think it is easier than it may seem. As others have discussed, this isn’t a relational issue but an internal one. Deciding if you can let go of this and figuring out what you want. Go to individual therapy and talk through it.
But what you absolutely don’t want is to stay in the relationship and constantly resenting him for not being a different person. Also: saying things like ‘he should be more grateful,” is choosing to stay with the resentment. Your comments here are full of contempt. Letting go of resentments means choosing to see his positives and choosing to be a big-girl who decides what she wants and makes it happen. You have control over your own life, and you can’t lament or resent your own choices and look for someone to blame them on.
If paying more for a nice hotel is something you’re willing to accept for the sake of the relationship, be logical around it and realize it’s what you’re choosing.
Anon
I’m dating a guy who makes about 1/3 of what I make, and this is the most he’s ever made. There have been times when he made closer to 1/4 of what I made, and I was in a lower paying job than I am now. I think the dating part is relevant because I don’t really see our incomes as “ours” as much as belonging to each of us (whereas when I was married, I saw the incomes as “ours”).
Anyway! I would reiterate what some others said— I view any kinds of “upgrades” as being upgrades for myself and not for us. I pay more for things that I want. For example, he’d be perfectly fine living in rooms with the muddy gray walls our home came with. I hate them, so I pay the cost of painting. He was dying in our queen sized bed and because of the terrible hood vent we had before, so he paid for half of each of those (I wanted them both!). He wants a new Playstation controller, and I don’t care about that, so I didn’t pay anything for it even though I use it sometimes.
It’s not really fair for me to expect him to feel gratitude or any other certain way about anything. Anything I purchase for our shared life, I make sure I’m doing it with an open heart and because I want to make our lives better (or my life better) without regard to being “rewarded” by him. We make a point of being very polite to one another, in general, so maybe that makes a difference. We always each say “thank you” to the other one for making or buying dinner or for doing things around the house, etc., so I feel generally appreciated in the relationship. I wonder if part of your feeling is that you don’t feel generally supported or appreciated.
It’s also important to me that we have a lifestyle I could maintain even if he weren’t in the picture. This means I could afford my housing without him, I could afford my car, etc. For me, that lessens resentment because I’d be living in the same place regardless, so the extra bit toward household expenses each month is a bonus, plus it means I get to see the person I love the most all the time.
Anon
Find someone else. I outearn my husband by a lot, even after taking a pay cut for his job (trailing spouse of an academic), and while I won’t say it’s perfect and roses and rainbows, he is the one person for me so I deal. This dude isn’t the right person for you and that’s fine. He might be Mr. Right for Now, and enjoy that, or maybe he’s just Mr. Happens to be Here Now and you should actively find someone else.
Anonymous
If you flip the genders in your original post the commenters here would have pitchforks out.
This is probably not the relationship for you. If it were my situation, I’d insist on a “joint pot” of money approach. N what you ear n you earn for the couple/family.
DH and I have equal earning power but rarely both earn the same at any time. I made 3x what he did at one point; he makes more than I do now but I work half as hard.
Anon
I agree with your first sentence. My SO earns more, and if I knew he had this attitude toward “giving” me hotel upgrades and being disappointed when I was not sufficiently “grateful”, I would strongly consider dumping him so he could find the shallow happiness he deserves with a richer partner who is not as cool as I am.
anon
Ah, I got my price quote for [heating] gas prices for Oct’22 & forward – only 7x increase. I think I need to up my collection of thermal underwear, cashmere sweaters, furry slippers and electric blankets.
Formerly Lilly
Hats and scarves and very warm slippers! Even indoors. I am convinced that if your head, neck, and feet are cozy the rest will be fine.
Anon
Electric mattress pad for the win. Also, rechargeable, heated vest.
Work bag woes
I am trying to find a new work bag and cannot seem to find a good fit. I just started a new “big” job and am willing to splurge for a nice looking and functional work bag (up to $3,000 but ideally closer to $1,500). I bought one sight unseen from a consignment store, but now that I have it, I realize it is too small (not totally size-wise, but the top has a zipper and is narrower than the bottom so it is hard to squeeze in my laptop and papers). Here’s what I would like to carry – 13 inch laptop, a notepad and some papers/small red weld, wallet, keys, phone, sunglasses, water bottle, chapstick/lipstick. Bonus if it has some organization/pockets, but i can live without. Why can’t I find a professional work tote that can fit all of this? Seems pretty standard. I ordered a Ferragamo tote, but it is only marginally larger than the one I bought on consignment, but it has a larger top opening so it could be a contender. Every bag I’ve seen that is a large “shopper” type tote is a basic boring black tote. I’d love some color or element of style. I’m eyeing the Senreve Maestro, but I’m concerned it will be too heavy and I don’t know much about the longevity/quality. Help! Any recommendations??
anon
If you don’t need a zipper, I’d get a Mulberry bayswater tote (the tote, not the regular bag) and buy an organizer for the inside. They have a lot of colors. I think the bag is just under 1k.
Anon
Not designer, but I have a Lo & Sons Seville tote and it fits all my daily carry stuff (including my 15″ laptop) and then some. Totally in love with my Seville and Lo & Sons sells shells for them in different colors.
AZCPA
So while I absolutely love carrying a designer purse in the price range you indicate, I have just never had success finding a work bag that was designer. They are either too heavy, insufficiently organized, or can’t take the beating a work bag takes (I do travel a lot for work). So I end up in the Dagne Dover/Lo & Sons/Tumi range where you get max performance vs a fancy brand.
Clothing Storage
How do you store off-season clothes? I’ve never really done this before but we’re trying to be smarter with some space at home. Basically we have the room to stuff it all in the closets as is, but then it’s so crowded that I can only see like 50% of it and not necessarily the in-season 50%.
Is a simple plastic crate in the attic for non-sweaters all I need to do? Any other pro tips? Are sweaters or natural fibers all you need to worry about relative to moths? Break it down for me!! thanks.
Cat
Closets – I just rotate hanging clothes – swapping the most-accessible areas for the in-season clothes.
Drawers – I keep off season clothes in underbed storage, and swap.
I don’t keep cloth in non-temp-controlled spaces. plus attics tend to smell chemical-ish thanks to all the insulation, etc.
Anon
hot pink suits – shop with me?
I’d love to get one and would love to hear from you if you have one or referrals!
suiting material, tweed or velvet OK. please no corduroy, neon or patch pockets.
NYNY
This question is maybe coming to you straight out of 1992, but which location of the Gap is best in Manhattan? I am intrigued by their new 100% merino sweaters, but I am also very bad at returns, so I want to try them on in person. Of course, in 1992 if you struck out at one Gap, you just had to walk a few blocks to try another one…
Anon
Why don’t you try to order online for store pick up. Try them on when you pick them up and return on the spot if you don’t like them.
Anonymous
I would look on their website to see where the size/color/style you want is in stock.
Cat
given the lack of stock in most stores near me, I’ve started treating them like A-zon Lockers if I want to order a bunch of sizes and colors and keep just 1-2. Order to the store, try on there, return immediately.
Curious
How did I not know this was a thing? So awesome.