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Coffee Break: Original’ Hair Tie

Stretchy Hair Ties: Invisibobble Original' Hair Tie I got a set of these recently and wasn’t quite sure what to think — they reminded me of old phone cords, and I liked that they're supposedly better for your hair. (The company’s line: they “place even pressure around the circumference of your ponytail in order to minimize breakage and crimping.”) But I actually do find myself reaching for them more often than not — they’re comfortable, slightly more interesting than the usual elastic, and so far, pretty indestructible. They’re $7.95 for a set of 3 at Nordstrom, available in 9 colors; you can find similar products at Amazon and beyond. Invisibobble Original' Hair Tie (L-3)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

233 Comments

  1. I got these last year. Was great for a week and a half then lost its ability to hold my thick hair. I gave up on them.

    Then I got a non-brand version at a big discount and they have been wonderful. 7 months heavy use of one band and still going strong. Not enough tension for the gym but used every morning and evening.

  2. I tried these and I just couldn’t get over the look of them. Like I was so desperate for a ponytail holder I cut up an old phone cord.

    1. I tried them too but have gone largely back to my clips and ties. I seemed to lose more hair with these, strangely.

    3. I have probably an opposite sentiment of everyone so far…but I love these.

      I have a ton of individually-fine-hairs-hair and found that I was having a lot of breakage from normal hairties. I wear these when I’m doing mostly strength-based workouts and find that they have really cut down on the breakage. I also don’t get the headaches that I typically get from super tight hairties.

  3. Friend/friendly acquaintance who WON’T stop complaining — WWYD? This is true whether you see her at a party (where you can mingle away) or at a kids’ sporting event (where you are stuck at the sideline for hrs). The crux of the complaining — biglaw and how utterly terrible it is and how no one should stay in etc. She did it for 4 yrs (with 2 one yr maternity leaves included in that time so more like 2 yrs total) and then quit to stay home bc she’s too stressed. Fine. I get it. BUT the main reason she gets to stay home is bc her husband is in biglaw, was a senior associate back then needing to focus on making partner and did not want any child responsibilities/sick days etc. He’s now a non equity partner at his firm. It’s great that their work/life/family balance is like this — but I’m honestly tired of hearing about how terrible biglaw is when it’s bringing in the paycheck allowing her to stay home while living in a very upscale town; 3 kids to private school; multiple vacations a yr; and dabbling in hobbies that end up costing money. I don’t usually care how others’ live their lives but I can’t be subject to this conversation one more time . . . .

    1. I have a person in my life like this, but with a different yet similar ax to grind (meanwhile, I am still a BigLaw person with not enough time in my life for my children / husband / family / friends, so I don’t want to dwell too long in a hatefest of any sort).

      I observe: the hate / emotion / whatever just consumes these people. It is just toxic. Like a fire, it sucks out all of the air in a room. You / your feelings / your life don’t matter. You are just an outlet for their emotions.

      My person has run off most of her relatives and friends. I am long-distance, so I try to be supportive with e-mail / text (I’m sorry that this is going on). But I don’t ask / don’t pursue.

      For you: it’s like being on a plane: put your mask on before trying to help others. Take care of yourself.

    2. Nobody likes a constant complainer, but you sound more than a little judgmental. Four years in Big Law is four years in Big Law regardless of whether or not she took some maternity leaves in that time, and trying to diminish her time as a lawyer reflects much more poorly on you than on her. I’m not sure if you’re a lawyer too, but non-equity partners often work really brutal hours – often as much as senior associates – and conceivably earn even less than senior associates do, because the pay scale changes. Is it possible that despite the “very upscale town; 3 kids to private school; multiple vacations a yr; and dabbling in hobbies” she really just wants more time with her husband and wants her kids to see more of their dad and that’s why she’s so grumpy about Big Law? When you’re stuck on the sidelines with her and she starts complaining, I’d recommend changing the subject to your kids – I’ve never met a parent who doesn’t enjoy chit-chatting about their kids – but I’d also consider trying to display a little empathy. Especially if you’ve been in Big Law, you know how brutal the hours can be, and a little commiseration about how little they see their husband and father wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Yes, they’re being paid handsomely for that sacrifice, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t still a sacrifice.

      1. OP here — yep — I was in biglaw for 10 yrs so I get it. But honestly I don’t understand the constant griping about it. If/when it gets to be too much for you/your family, get out. If it’s not too much/you want to continue — then continue. Must we hear the griping ALL.THE.TIME?? It’s like a contest amongst people re whose life is worse — yet they have the resumes and experience and money to get out if they want to. This isn’t like — I work 3 retail jobs and I can’t quit one bc I won’t be able to feed my kids.

        And sorry as someone who was there for 10 yrs and got out as a junior partner, I don’t have a HUGE amount of respect for someone who spent 2 yrs as an associate. It’s fine, but to act like 2 yrs makes you an expert on an entire industry is laughable.

        1. I live near a lot of ex-lawyers who stopped working b/c of babies (and b/c they are also married to lawyers) and I get a lot of eyeroll about how hard things are. Complain away ladies, but not to me. I’ll show you hard.

          First rule: know your audience.

        2. Maybe she doesn’t know many people who share that commonality with her so she talks about it with you? Maybe she is looking to you for guidance on how you/your family managed to navigate that lifestyle?

          On the other hand, if you don’t want to give the benefit of the doubt or just don’t want to talk about it, just change the topic to kids, as suggested above :)

      2. Two one-year maternity leaves in 4 years?

        I want that gig.

        Most people I know barely eke out 12 weeks (if junior associates) and most income partners to substantial work on leave. It sounds like she had one foot out the door the whole time. Maybe she is really complaining about the husband’s work life (which enjoying all of its benefits)?

        1. There were women junior associates like this at my firm in NYC. Zero interest in doing the work or advancing their careers. But they came in after the time that the biglaw maternity leave increased so it was somewhere between 9 months-1 yr. They would openly talk about how they are just “milking the job” for the maternity leave and once they have baby number 2 or 3, they’re out bc their biglaw or investment banker husband could provide.

          Reflected awesomely on the rest of the women who were trying to advance. As soon as people figured out that you were engaged or had a significant other, certain male partners started doing the math on when you’d be out . . . even if you wanted to stay and work 100 hrs/wk your whole life.

          1. Maybe your ire should be directed at those who judge an entire gender by the actions of a few. Men have been slacking off at work for thousands of years without “men” getting a bad rap.

        2. In my former Big Law firm, you could take 9 months (6 with pay) and almost everyone from first year associates on up took at least 6. Many took 9. I never heard of anyone (except staff) taking only 12 weeks. Two kids in four years is also not an uncommon rate. It’s not like she was pumping out multiple sets of Irish twins.

          1. Which is fine, but you have to think about where you are. Not suggesting your family planning should revolve around a job but if you take a yr’s maternity leave, then come back part time, then ramp up to full time while always watching the clock bc you need to get home to your kid — and then announce — oops pregnant again, no one will take your seriously in a job where you are paid really really well to be available. It is what it is and people can do what they want, but just bc benefits are offered doesn’t mean you don’t get looked down upon for using those benefits to gain every possible advantage. People do notice those things.

          2. It’s pretty useless from the firm’s perspective. 1 year pregnant (at the end you seem to have perpetual appointments and a 5-minute bladder), 1 year on leave, 3 months back, 1 year pregnant (with baby always getting sick it seems and on very little sleep), 1 year on leave.

            Firms must just bank on not too many people doing it or maybe some actual become viable, career-wise?

            I feel like a chump now for actually working at my job now. FWIW, 12 weeks is market in my city. And we aren’t getting 180K.

          3. Where does it say she was ever part-time or watching the clock to get home to kids? I have no idea if this woman was milking the system and took long leaves with no plans to stick around past the second leave. But it’s incredibly misogynistic to suggest that a woman taking two maternity leaves in four years and taking the maximum time off her company allows each time is somehow in the wrong or asking for trouble, and I’m disappointed to see the successful women here espousing that view.

          4. We are espousing that view b/c we are having to pick up the pieces of someone having a really nice life. If one person in a group gets this, guess what: the others don’t. The other associates pick up the slack. Again and again. This person got a benefit at a cost to others. I am the externalities.

          5. Just an FYI that “Irish twins” is often used as an offensive and derogatory term towards Irish people (particularly women).

          6. +1

            My jaw dropped a little when I read that. This is the last place I thought I would see that.

          8. I’m very sorry. A friend who has daughters 10 months apart describes her kids this way and I sincerely did not know that it was offensive. I will not use that term again.

          10. What is the alternative, though? I hear you – I do. I was 100% in your camp, until I tried to “schedule” having kids. 12 mos and infertility treatments in, f-that. I can’t plan it. And I’m not giving up my Big Law job. Like – real question. What is the alternative? Should the burden of the alternative be on the employer?

          12. Maybe it’s karmic, but I think you can be a burden for the team if you’ve taken a few for the team. That’s how a team is.

            My firm won’t sack someone pregnant or who has been on leave within a year and some people know it and milk it. [Management knows too, but fears being on ATL even when the people are horrible co-workers who take on projects and then leave at 2 every day for whatever family excuse they dig up.] The people who are lifers never forget them, as they spend their nights and weekends working to pick up the slack. There’s a point where you can’t turn down work IF you want to have a career, so the lifers, the ones who haven’t married well (or at all), the ones with loans become THAT associate and the ones who are the breeders who married well get the cushy life. A BigLaw world that is able to transfer misery to one associate at the expense of the other should just knock it off and be awful 100% of the time. Then we could all whine along with the OP’s acquaintance.

            [FWIW, I made my hours, not by choice, both times I was on leave and my children were 20 months apart. It was awful, but I didn’t have a choice. We had lots of people at 30% productivity who were nonresponsive with impunity b/c they were mommies. I was at the point where I had clients of my own and wasn’t about to lose them to some f**kwits.]

          13. I’m Irish, and I am not offended by this. It’s just a way to describe two babies in a calendar year.

          14. I’m Irish. That term is not offensive – at least to me or my family and all my Irish twin aunts/uncles. What is offensive is the women on here who sound so hateful towards their fellow women for having kids. So smug, sure they are right, when they sound horrid. I’d say to put the claws away – but they don’t even realize they have them out.

      3. I did not thing the post was judgmental-that would annoy almost anyone! Cry me a river while you drive away in your Range Rover! Perhaps this mom thinks that you are much more of an open ear due to your prior BigLaw experience. I know I tend to complain much more about X with people who actually understand X than I do with others….if that’s the case, I would just tell the mom, since I left, I try not to think about the politics or workload or insanity of BigLaw, so do you mind if we change the topic? If you are feeling particularly generous, you can add, I’m sure it’s still a grind for your hubby, I feel for him. I’d repeat as necessary until she understands you just do not want to talk about the topic.

    3. It’s clear that this person is insecure about her life choices. The complaining is designed to validate her choices and she is seeking your approval of those choices. The biggest issue here is that she is not comfortable with her self or her choices and therefore feels the need to consistently defend (validate) her choices through complaining. A firm polite, “yeah, it’s tough, but I want to watch Billy today,” or “I can see why you don’t miss it, but I want to talk about some other stuff, can you believe how awesome Katie Ledecky is?”

    4. This would be annoying to anyone.

      I would say something to nip it. Not sure you’re still at biglaw (I may have missed that part). Regardless, I’d say something like “To each their own! I’d really like to talk about something else. Did you catch X movie, Y book or see Joey’s great goal?”

      Or

      I’m happy you were able to make the right decision for you and get out of BigLaw. I actually don’t like talking about firm life while I’m not working. Any neat trips planned?

      Something – doesn’t have to be mean – that clearly indicates you don’t want to talk about it.

      1. I don’t know yo, why can’t you be “mean”? I institute a 3-time complaint limit to whiny friends. You’re allowed to complain about the same unsolicited topic three times and after that, I don’t want to hear about it. The end.

        1. I hear you. I said “doesn’t have to be mean.” Which I meant you can be nice about it or not. Sounds like she has to be around this person a lot, so I would try to be nice the first time and if she keeps talking about it, I would be really firm – like – I said I don’t want to talk about it and I meant it. Stop. Now.

    5. I’m not afraid to give a pretty strong hint that they’re complaining too much. “I’m sorry to hear about that. Let’s talk about something more cheerful! What’s going right in your life now?” We all know we shouldn’t complain too much but sometimes a booster shot can help…

  4. I’m looking for books about Christianity. Books that look into what the religion’s claims are, how those claims are supported, and how they are not. Something closer to what Lee Strobel has written than a book aiming to convert its reader. Suggestions?

    1. Assuming you’re not a troll, maybe start with history? Like a wikipedia article on Christianity, the early church, various schisms, reformation, etc., etc., etc., all the way up to Mormons (I can’t recall anything historically signifcant since then, but heard someone call them and Catholics non-Christians recently and was all “history much?”).

      Also, re religion, what would you think support looks like on matters of faith?

      1. I get reallllll tired of troll accusations around here. What exactly made you think this person might be a troll?

        2. Maybe because Lee Strobel does write to convert readers, not as historical inquiry. The Case For Christ, for instance, is jammed full of straw-man arguments. Second the recommendations on Aslan and Armstrong.

    2. You might be interested in Reza Aslan’s Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth. The history of the church since then is a much larger can of worms.

      1. I really enjoyed Zealot. It’s a historical take on the person of Jesus Christ and I found it fascinating.

    3. Not sure how familiar with Christianity you are, but “Searching for Sunday” is an interesting read, it’s by Rachel Held Evans. She was raised evangelical & left the church and uses the seven sacraments to try to understand her own faith/faith of others. She does a great job explaining theology and the sacraments in a very approachable way. Some people like her style, others don’t. You can find excerpts on her blog.

      Also, edEx/Coursera have a large number of history of religion classes that do cover Christianity & the early church from an academic perspective & they are all free.

    4. Read anything by Karen Armstrong, especially “A History of God.” It looks at the big three monotheistic religions, plus Hinduism and Buddhism.

    6. You might enjoy some books by Bart Ehrman. They’re historical perspectives and I’ve enjoyed them.

  5. Has anyone else left biglaw to take a government job and then regretted it?

    I was in biglaw but the long hours and no weekends or time off was getting to me. I applied for and was offered a job with the government. I thought I would happy to leave biglaw behind but I’m actually regretting it.

    It’s not just one thing, it’s several. I knew the government was bureaucratic but I had no idea just how bad it was. Everything here happens slowly and has to be signed off by many people first. I can’t make descisions on my own. I also no longer have my own office, I work in a cube farm. This wouldn’t be so bad except that my coworkers constantly surf the internet, play on their phones, chat and crank up their radios. I’ve seen so many people who do not do any work but don’t get fired or reprimanded and lots of the management is ineffective as well. I also have set work hours and can’t do something like schedule an appointment and come in a bit late but make it up later. I need to do stuff like that on my days off or after work. We don’t have access to email or voice mail when we aren’t at work and there is no telecommuting or flex time. We also have to pay for our own coffee because the rules are different for government. These are just some of the things I don’t like.

    I don’t want to sound like a whiner but I am not liking the government job so far. I never thought I would miss biglaw. The crazy hours I hated, but everything else was much better than how the government feels.

    Has anyone ever left biglaw and gone to work for the government? Did you regret it? Did you go back to biglaw? Any advice or experience would be great to hear.

    1. As a tangent — how can you tell when you’re interviewing if an office is like that, or is a professionally challenging place to work?

    2. What agency/what type of work are you doing? It’s different across agencies and even within agencies it can vary by group/division; sounds like you have one of the stricter groups re accounting for your time, not working from home etc.

      Across the board — I agree with you fully. Missing biglaw (or a grown up work environment) more than I could ever ever have imagined. Can’t talk to anyone about it bc people jump down my throat when I say it . . . .

    3. I’m not in biglaw; I work in a science related field. Biggest mistake I ever made was making the switch from a university medical center to federal government, for all the reasons you stated and then some. It’s so true that you can’t talk it or risk being chastised big time.

    4. I know this is a serious post and complaint but it made me laugh. This is just how it is.

      1. Yup. This is how it is. Your happiness depends upon your management and your agency’s culture. It sounds like your agency’s culture is horrendous (can you do credit time? look into that). You list not having access to your work email outside of work as a complaint, but that should really be a positive. If you really need/want it, my agency uses “Good” for mail. So it’s been vetted by the federal government IT g*ds and I would imagine be transferable to another agency. Look into it.
        Also, find your people. Don’t assume everyone loves every aspect of GovLife, we don’t.
        Use your perspective to enjoy it more. I can shrug off 90% of the problems (ineffective management being most of that) with the perspective. Also, note that BigLaw management (or lack of management) is also ineffective, just in a different way with a higher pay check.
        Cube land is not fun. Noise cancelling headphones are life savers, and save you from some useless conversations too.
        Find your agencies policy statements on teleworking and flextime. Every agency has one that espouses all the benefits of it. Go to your boss, hand them that statement, state that you would benefit from teleworking because [fewer distractions, more comfortable working environment, etc.] and ask how to get a teleworking agreement in place. Ask HR. Work with IT to get remote access. Go on extended working breaks in a coffee shop nearby.
        And, I suppose more importantly, you really need to like the work you’re doing. If you don’t like that or don’t believe in it (ignore the bureaucracy for a second) then the rest of it can’t be problem solved.

    5. I don’t regret my move to a government job, but I can relate to a lot of this. I was just floored when all of a sudden I had to start buying my own Kleenex and coffee and paper plates and so on. And the face time thing continues to be, by far, the worst part of my job.

      I got used to it and am happy I made the change. But a cube farm might have been a dealbreaker.

    6. It is hard to stay motivated in that environment. No one cares about the quality of work. But not all govt agencies are like that.

    7. All of these reasons, plus the fact that I had at least ten years ahead of me as the most junior attorney in my group (and had I stayed, it would have turned out to be closer to 15) with the worst cases and details (Minnesota in January! Alabama in August!), are why I left DOJ and went in-house and then to MediumLaw. Private practice has its negatives, but they are way more tolerable to me than government practice.

    8. I have been a government lifer for my career thus far, but man does that sound bad. I have a facetime requirement but it’s not inflexible. It could be your branch/agency.

  7. Online store to buy a wedding band. Blue Nile’s on my list to check out, but it pretty much is the list, tbh. Looking for other places to browse. I’m overwhelmed by Etsy, so any specific store recs would be appreciated. I want a 2mm platinum band with milgrain detailing. Possibly with diamonds, eternity band style, but also possibly not.

    1. Have you checked Costco? A few friends have wedding bands from there and were happy with the prices. Usually you can browse online even if you are not a member.

      1. Caution on Brilliant Earth’s quality! My wedding ring broke, and they were unwilling to repair. Similar quality problems for two friends who got their ring at BE. I fear it’s green-washing. See the Yelp reviews for more…

        1. My engagement ring and wedding band are from Brilliant Earth. I had one prong break on my engagement ring: they cleaned it for free, but we paid for the repair since it was technically my fault (it caught on something). I’d still recommend them, I think price for the quality is among the best I’ve seen.

    3. If you want a plain platinum band, I found Blue Nile to have the best prices. I’m sure they can add milgrain for a small charge if you wanted.

    5. We bought from e-weddingbands.com. Both of ours are simple 14K white gold bands but I like them. I also like that they sent us a sizer because it felt weird to go to a jewelry store to get sized knowing we weren’t going to buy there.

    6. Try looking at Catbird. Small store in Williamsburg with great stuff and I believe most of it is online.

    7. Raven’s Refuge! On Etsy or on their own site. I had a custom ring made by them, and my husband got his from them as well — at the time they were willing to work with my then-fiance’s grandfather’s platinum, though I think they stick to their own alloys now — and we love them. I also know they make both the diamond-with-milgrain and just-milgrain rings in any gold or platinum.

  8. I really don’t get this hair thing. It looks like actual trash. And wouldn’t this tangle your hair? I’m not the target audience, I guess.

    1. I agree. It looks like something you’d wear in middle school when you got your own phone.

  9. Vent. 5 of us work in the area of the building ruled by 1 thermostat. 2 of us are dying because its 74 degrees. We live in a state with high humidity, and its 90+ outside. We’ve had conversations and 74 won out because the other 3 like it hot. 2 of these people actually use SPACE HEATERS and long sleeves. Yes. When its 74.

    Meanwhile I’m dying. I have a fan, and my window doesn’t open.

    Thoughts on how to manage this situation? We literally had a vote. I suggested the cold-blooded folks wear more clothing layers, which they didn’t like. Meanwhile, I’m here in a sheath dress with no sleeves and dying.

    1. Check the morning thread.

      Recommendations were to check the health of the A/C (not further lower the temperature), make sure the A/C is running over the weekend, and check your hormones / health b/c this shouldn’t be uncomfortable in an office.

      1. Thanks! For some reason, I didn’t think my morning question posted. I refreshed and see the thread now :)

    2. Is 74 THAT hot? I keep my apartment at that temp to sleep in and sure if the AC doesn’t kick on for an hr it can get stuffy but not hot per se. Are you sure the room is actually at 74? Can someone bring in a thermostat and check? Could be that while the AC says 74, to get it to actually put out air at 74 efficiently, you may have to turn it down to 68.

    3. Again, a lot of people told you on the previous thread that your co-workers are not crazy. I would need a fleece jacket to be comfortable in 74 degrees (I’m talking about indoors without the sun’s warming effect). I know many guys who like temperatures much colder than I do, but even they would be comfortable in that temperature in shorts and a t-shirt. How much are you asking your co-workers to wear? Asking them to put on a cardigan is different than asking them to put on a winter coat, hat and gloves (which I’ve done in an office that banned space heaters, and it was awful). If they’re already wearing long sleeves and have space heaters, I’m not sure why your right not to be hot trumps their right not to be cold.

      1. I would not mind having hot floors and cold floors at work (or floors that are not 68 degrees in the summer and maybe 69 in the winter). Every time it’s open season for office moves, I try to see how warm / cold an office is. I’m wearing a fleece as I type this (rated to 50 degrees) and the next thing I could wear is a hat and a puffer coat.

        It is nice that the corporate world seems to make the largely female 50% of us who run cold look clownish at work trying to stay at a comfortable temperature.

        And I cannot type in gloves.

    4. How much do we think this is size related? I swear its the larger guys and gals at work who insist on keeping the a/c at 65-68. That is cold enough for me in my cashmere sweater to have goosebumps.

      1. Wow.

        Anecdata – my body type most closely resembles Kate Middleton’s, and my preferred temp is 68.

        1. IDK — hormones also?

          I’m thin for an office person who is sedentary. I don’t recall being overly cold as a child in the northeast (damp winters, but I was always dressed for the weather and didn’t spend so much of the day sitting). Now, I freeze in an office in the southeast. The only time I wasn’t freezing I was pregnant, so a lot more blood volume / hormones going on.

          I’ve been repeatedly tested for a thyroid deficiency. Turns out, I’m just always cold when others are comfortable.

      3. I think it’s related. I’m skinny and my ideal temperature indoors is 78-80 (in the summer, because I like to actually wear dresses in the summer!) In winter, when I’m bundled up in tights and boots and heavy sweaters I’m fine with 72-74.

      4. Yea, I like to say I’m “just warm-blooded” because I always run hot, but I’ve been underweight and I’ve been overweight and my tendency to feel hot or cold is always a function of where my weight is, and right now I’m overweight and loving the 68* office temp.

      5. I have a (male) colleague who lost 100lbs (an amazing achievement). He went from not wearing a winter coat (in Mn) to having a fine collection of sweaters. He fully attributes this to his change in size. I think that, and the ability to buy clothes in Macys, were the two things he most noticed as he lost weight!

      6. Lol no, way to jump to sizist conclusions. I’m a solid 14/16 right now, and I’m freezing at 68 degrees.

        1. Are you also tall? My theory is that it’s a surface/volume thing, so size is a bit of a driver, but doesn’t tell the whole story. Also: menopause / thyroid / body composition thing.

        1. Don’t women have a higher percentage of body fat? And yet we are the colder half. I think it’s more complicated.

      9. What? I am on the very low end of the normal weight range and am always hot. My husband is “overweight” according to BMI and is always freezing. I have always attributed it to metabolism, not size.

        I prefer 65 for winter sleeping, 67-68 during the day in the winter, not above 70 for summer sleeping, and 72 for summer daytime. If I am wearing a blazer, it had better be 70 or below. I can only tolerate 74 in shorts and a tank top or a sleeveless casual dress and sandals.

    5. I actually thought you may be in my office, except we didn’t have a vote on anything. The only person here who has any say on the temperature keeps it on 74, and we’re in Florida. I’m still cold (as are a couple others), but I manage by wearing a sweater in Florida in the summer, and doing other normal things to stay warm. Those who are hot in the 74 (and there are several) have big fans blowing on them.

      If papers are sticking together, that’s not a “hot” thing, that’s a moisture thing that means you all have something up with your AC unit and/or need a dehumidifier.

      Nobody will ever, ever, ever in the history of the world agree on temps in an office. You have to adjust for your own comfort level.

    6. Everyone needs to google and read “The office is not too cold” by Mallory Ortberg, have a laugh, and then calm down.

  10. This is another wedding guest question, sorry. A good friend took back her abusive BF yet again. I’ve made it clear in the past that the BF is not welcome in my home, is not to know my home or work addresses, and is not welcome at my wedding. I don’t want to get into the details of the abuse, but suffice it to say, this guy feeds on drama and does his best to ruin anything remotely important to my friend and anyone around her. Several of her friends are currently pressing charges against him.

    My friend is not getting a plus one. I don’t care if it’s rude, this guy is awful and dangerous. But I know that he’s not going to pass up an opportunity to ruin a fun night for my friend. Additionally, my friend has no spine with this guy so I know she’s going to make me the bad guy when she explains why he can’t go, which is going to further convince him to “romantically” show up at the wedding anyway. This guy is all about twisted stalkery big romantic gestures. I wouldn’t put it past him to show up uninvited and propose, then pick a fight with her for dressing too sexy/talking to any other man, get violent with her, and cut her brakes before drunkenly storming off in his own car. So what do I do about this disaster? I’d really rather not have to hire security for my wedding, but I’m sort of tempted.

    1. Hire security. How many entrances/exits to the venue? Typically there’s just one. A security guard can be shown his pic and stand there and deny entrance if he shows up. Doesn’t prevent him from cutting her brakes in the parking lot though (WtH!?!?)).

      1. My friend had concerns about unwelcome family crashing the wedding. She talked to the venue who already had security on site. They circulated some photos and asked some select members of the wedding party to keep an eye out. One unwelcome couple was prevented from coming inside by a parking attendant who said he only had to firmly, but repeatedly, tell the couple there was a private party going on and they did not appear on the guest list.

    2. Honestly, if you are this concerned about him (and it sounds like you have reason to be), I’d hire security. I’d rather spend several hundred dollars on security for the peace of mind than be worried all night about what happens if he shows up.

    3. I had plain-clothes off-duty sheriff’s officers at my wedding. My husband’s ex-wife has an arrest record and had a restraining order on her specifically for the wedding (their split did not involve me or any cheating on anyone’s behalf). Still, I trusted a bunch of guys on my side more than I trusted her to follow a mere piece of paper issued by someone in a county a few hours away.

      When you do something once, suspenders and a belt are OK.

        1. I don’t think so. I would have noticed a dust-up or have heard about it. I suspect that she stalked the event, but never got caught lurking (the deputies did drive their marked cars and the ceremony was in a downtown area that has lots of police parking normally).

        1. Don’t punish her for being involved in an abusive relationship. Seriously. That supports the isolation he’s likely already trying to create for her. If he’s dangerous, it’s likely she understands his violence better than anyone else and he’s made her afraid of what happens if she stays away. Invite her and hire security. Let her know that you want her to enjoy the night and that if there’s a problem, she should not hesitate to let security or some member of the party she knows and trusts. Don’t not invite her. How cruel and enabling of his abuse.

          1. I would agree except for two reasons (1) several of her friends are pressing charges against him and (2) this is not inviting her to one night, not cutting all ties with her forever. I think OP is allowed to want an abusive and violent man to be far away from one night. She might in face be liable with her venue if he shows up and causes trouble. I’m not saying disinviting her is going to fix their relationship but I don’t think it’s going to help and I don’t think it’s the time/place to fix it either. This is your choice, OP. If you really want your friend to be there, hire security — and I would tell her simultaneously you are doing this because you love her and support her but also want her to be aware just how much he has a deleterious effect on others’ lives, too.

            The obvious bigger problem is their relationship, but I don’t think that can be fixed in one evening.

          2. I wouldn’t invite her either. It’s not cruel, and it’s not enabling her abuse. You can be her friend, she just can’t bring her drama to your wedding.

          3. Security isn’t free though. If the OP wants to spend $1k to support her friend is hiring security for her wedding the best way to do so.

    5. You don’t need to be worrying about this on your wedding day. Assign a couple guests (preferably some big muscly men, if you know any!) the job of making sure this guy doesn’t get in, and if he does, make sure they call the cops right away. Show them his picture, make sure they know his history.

      Honestly, I would consider asking your friend not to come if it’s going to be that much of an issue.

      1. My fiance suggested that we assign some of his friends to do this. The problem is that his friends are pretty heavy drinkers and I know they’ll want to party with him at his wedding. I don’t want to put a damper on their fun. He said they’d be happy to do it, though.

        1. I wouldn’t do that because that puts too much of a burden on your guests. Just hire security. Make this someone else’s problem, not yours or your husband’s or his friends.

          Literally throw money at the problem.

          2. Yes. Do this. Don’t ask your friends to be a bouncer. Also, what kind of liability would you be getting yourself into if the BF shows up and your drunk friends physically hurt him? Hire professionals.

            As for the comments about not inviting your friend, I disagree. I understand not only wanting her at your wedding, but also wanting to make her feel like you are somebody she can rely on if/when she finally gets rid of this guy for good.

        2. I really think you need to have a discussion with your friend about how her issues are impacting your wedding and you can’t risk ruining YOUR day.

          Unfortunately with some women in abusive relationships, you can’t help them until they’re willing to help themselves.

          1. Yeah, make her abusive relationship about you! That will definitely show her you’re supportive. Not.

    6. Don’t invite her to your wedding. who needs that kind of drama? I’m sorry, but if your other friends are pressing charges against him, and she still won’t end things, she isn’t your friend.

    7. Don’t invite her. “Sorry, I can’t trust you not to bring someone dangerous and disruptive.”

      1. I don’t think she would intentionally bring him, but he won’t leave her alone. He’s broken into her house more times than I can count. You know that song, Laid, “I locked you out you cut a hole in the wall/ I found you sleeping next to me I thought I was alone” yeah that’s him but not all cute and peppy.

        Not inviting her to the wedding would end the friendship. She’s a wonderful, kind, sweet person who definitely doesn’t deserve this. I’m also a domestic violence survivor; I saw my mom lose so many friends because of my dad’s abuse, and I lost friends because of my ex, I don’t want to abandon her.

        1. How is this guy not in jail for all his craziness??

          It sounds like you have a bigger issue to deal with than a wedding. Your friend needs some serious help.

          1. That’s sweet, thank you.

            In response to some other comments – I have a therapist who specializes in abusive relationships and PTSD, so I’ve given my friend the referral and offered to go with her if it made her feel more comfortable. She won’t go. It’s like everyone in her life is all, dude there’s a giant cancerous lump on your forehead you need to go to a doctor and get that ish removed, but she’s like, you guys are so silly it’s totes just a pimple it’ll get better on its own as long as I don’t mess with it too much!

    8. Additionally, depending on the venue there might security already in place. I was at a wedding at a museum and there was a security guard the whole night.

      1. We’re not fancy like that. Without outing myself, it’s a very rural, rustic, open location that would likely take police a while to reach.

        1. If you’re determined to have your friend at your wedding, then it sounds like security is your best bet.

        3. posted below. we also had a rural wedding. hiring security – best money ever spent. i say it again.

    9. I’d uninvite her for the harmony of your wedding. Its your day, not hers.

      If she’s in an abusive relationship, have you offered to go to counseling or a support group with her? That may help break the cycle.

    10. If having security there makes you feel better, then go that route. But, if you’re still going to be stressed about it on your wedding day, even with security, then I wouldn’t invite her.

    11. We hired security for our wedding for my (now ex) sister in law. We had two off duty deputies. Possibly the best money I ever spent. We gave them pictures of her. They dressed in wedding guest clothing so it wasn’t like a police officer standing by the door; nobody even knew we had security.

    12. Ok you guys have convinced me, I clearly need to hire security. How far in advance did you do this? I assume you just contact the sheriff’s office?

      1. I work at a museum/wedding venue and I recommend calling them for a recommendation, they probably work with off duty officers and other people who work security in your area and should be able to recommend someone they trust. Also, you are a good friend to find a way to accommodate and include her, I wish you both the best

    13. Another reason to hire security – you can have official witnesses to any crimes this abusive a**hole might commit against your friend or other guests. I feel really sorry for your friend and for you as well; male violence is pervasive, enraging, and life-ruining.

    14. I also think you need security. I just want to add that I’m also dealing with a close friend who keeps taking back a very emotionally abusive ex. Luckily, it hasn’t yet turned physical but it’s been close. It is so hard to be her friend during this. It’s infuriating. I understand the cycle of abuse though and I’m not going to cut her out of my life. I just wish I could make decisions for her for awhile. Yes, I’m reading “Why Does He Do That” and she is reading it too. It’s just so sad.

      1. I work in the field of domestic violence. It is very hard to to a friend to a victim, but my main piece of advice is to focus your energy on what the abuser has done and is doing to keep your friend in the relationship rather than what she is or isn’t doing to leave the relationship. You probably only know a fraction of what is going on behind closed doors. You are a great friend for sticking by her.

  11. Yeah those look like a trap specifically designed to get irretrievably buried in my curly hair and need to be cut out.

  12. My sister and I are planning a 4 to 5 day trip for early November. She wants lay on a beach/by a pool, so that is most important. I wouldn’t mind a little bit of nearby sightseeing or other things to do, but it’s not a must-have. We aren’t super-concerned about Zika because we aren’t having children anytime soon (not in the next 3+ years). Traveling from the middle of the US, so can go either direction. Where would you go? Do you have a favorite hotel for relaxing?

    1. I recently booked a trip to Puerto Rico to do mix of pool/spa, nature exploring, and sightseeing before I start my new job. Because Puerto Rico’s tourism industry has taken such a blow, I got some really great deals on very nice hotels (think 5 star, under $200/night.

      1. +1 I recently booked a trip to PR for labor day weekend. Flight and hotel (4+ star) cost me less than $300.

    2. Riviera Maya in Mexico? Beautiful beaches and there are definitely things to do if you choose (cave tours, Mayan ruins, etc). Tons of all-inclusives if you like that sort of thing.

      I also really like Puerto Rico. The beaches are lovely, the people are friendly and the food is delicious. I did a night kayak trip and it was amazing.

    3. I’m going on a cruise with friends this fall. For reference, my typical travel MO is to find an awesome airbnb in a place that’s not too touristy, and explore a cool city or region, but when you have people who really are in it for the beach time, I’ve found a cruise is a great way to not have to compromise that much. Resorts get boring to me after about a day and a half, and it’s so hard to experience any culture. If you pick an itinerary with some fun island days and fewer full days at sea, you’ll get both poolside time and time to explore new places (just make sure you get out of the tourist-zone at the ports). Plus, you never need to worry about meals.

    4. You can get infected with Zika while traveling and then bring that infection home to your town via local mosquitoes biting you, then others. Seems like a pretty selfish mindset to be aware of the issue, yet ignore it because you don’t think it’ll bring you or your sister physical harm (I guess screw the neighbors or anyone else you come in contact?).

  13. We were in San Diego this weekend, and walked around Little Italy for a while during the farmers market, and DH and I fell in love with the area. We’re not sold on DC, where we live now, and have been throwing around options for cities where we could spend the next 2-4 years. Can anyone speak to living in the area, and things to consider before we fall further in love with it?

    1. It’s quite a conservative, parochial small town in many ways. Heavily military, insular, not the most sophisticated.

      2. +1. I lived there for a year and didn’t like it at all. Other than the strip right along the ocean, it’s your typical sprawling suburban metropolis without much of a soul. And it is oddly insular and bland for a city right on an international border.

    2. I’m not super familiar with DC’s cost of living but San Diego is definitely up there. Not as high as the Bay Area or LA but definitely higher than a lot of the rest of the US.

    3. My sister lives there, so I’ve visited many times. I think SD is pretty much the polar opposite of DC in every way: climate, culture, geography, activities. If you don’t like DC, maybe you’ll love SD. It’s definitely not for me. I like visiting in the dead of winter, but I find it lacking in culture compared to cities like DC, NY, Chicago, etc. Also, you have to drive everywhere, and I hate the SoCal highways.

    4. Some harsh critiques of San Diego from commenters… I lived there for 6.5 years before moving to the Bay Area. FWIW, I was in the Navy.

      It is expensive to rent, especially downtown. Good food and craft beer scene. Good weather but sometimes too hot. I wouldn’t say that it is too conservative despite the military presence. There are definitely areas with more character than others…. Just avoid Chula Vista or the inland areas if you don’t want sprawling suburbs.

  14. Online dating tips/dating app suggestions? I’ve never used one before, and I’m seriously considering subscribing or downloading one. I don’t want hookups, as a caveat. What do you recommend, Hivemind?

    I’m in a small city (under 100K) at a nonprofit law firm, making decent salary and living very comfortably for the area. However, I’m in my early 30s and find the dating pool very limited. There aren’t many meetups, and I’m already involved in the community. I’ve dated people I’ve met through mutual friends or organizations I’m involved with. But the area has a “small town” feel, and I’d rather not date people when I know their exes! I also don’t like the small town feel with everyone knowing your business.

    I recently dated a guy for about a month. We went on 4 dates, till he “ghosted”, and now multiple friends/acquaintances have asked “what happened with John” because they saw us together in public. I don’t like this, at all. Looking to expand my search area to a metropolitan area an hour and a half away. I’m very willing to move for the right relationship, and I’m confident I can get a job elsewhere.

    1. I like Bumble. It’s easy, kinda fun, and there are lots of guys I am interested. But people aren’t generally looking to commute an hour and a half for a new relationship.

      I’d pick and app and just give it a whirl!

    2. No app tips – however, I just heard a woman say today she met her husband on twitter, while merely tweeting about a tv show. Unconventional tips for you – brush up your twitter and Facebook. More and more people are meeting like minded people here. Big plus because you can see their friends, credentials etc, so its less of a “cold” meeting. Also, I tell my friends all the time, just go out and do things. Networking mixers, church, small groups, etc (don’t know your religious affiliations obviously, these are just examples where I have heard people meet very organically). Go to dinner alone, look approachable. Heck, even the grocery store. You don’t have to meet on a dating app per say. Hope this helps :)

      1. “You never know, you could meet someone at the grocery store!” is basically the worst advice for someone actively searching for a long term relationship.

        OP, try using Match, since the guys on there have paid for it, they might be more committed.

        1. I beg to differ! As it has worked for me in the past ;)

          In fact, I STILL get approached the most at whole foods around 6pm when all the professionals are purchasing dinner!

          Don’t knock unless you’ve tried… you can meet people anywhere!!!!

          1. How does this happen? I’ve NEVER been approached in the grocery store. Do share. What are you wearing, work clothes if you’ve come straight from work? Are you in a major city?

          2. I usually got comments in the beer aisle, in professional work clothes, in DC. Only ever Whole Foods, though. I think the beer has something to do with it, although usually I would roll my eyes when the guy would give the unsolicited advice to try to point me to a super bland beer or a sugary sweet cider.

          3. If I was writing a romantic comedy, it would show a woman and man both getting a frozen dinner at the grocery store. One would say to the other “frozen dinner for 1? Me too! Let’s eat them together.” And that’s why I’m a lawyer and not a writer.

      2. Met my SO on Match, so we are a success story, but I had to comment that I got asked out quite often at the grocery store, too. It was so odd. They were never guys I’d want to date, anyway, so it did sort of frustrate me when people said that to me, too.

        Hoping this doesn’t out me, but I got asked out at the deli counter once with a salami in my hand as I waited for turkey and cheese to be sliced. It was so awkward and I couldn’t scuttle away … I had to wait for my order!

      3. I did several of the more serious apps like Match and JDate, to no avail. I’m also very outgoing, so frequently meet people when out and about. Met plenty of nice, polite men, but nobody I was excited about. My completely amazing, literally checks all my boxes both important and not boyfriend is somebody I met on Tinder. We both had ‘no hookups’ in our profiles, as did many others I saw on there. So don’t automatically discount it.

        1. Plus one for another Tinder success story. We usually say, “we won Tinder” I did Match/OkCupid and a couple of smaller ones. Honestly, I’d say try them all, see what works.

    3. I’ve used Match, OK Cupid, Bumble, Tinder, and Coffee Meets Bagel. Match and Coffee Meets Bagel were worth my time, in my opinion, the others not so much.

      1. Basically – give them all a try. I really think different regions/demos trend towards different tech, so you need to try them all to see where the fish are biting in your area.

        1. Agreed — you have to try a bunch of sites and the “right” site for your area changes all the time. I met my fiance on OK Cupid three years ago, but it seems like most of my single girlfriends are using Bumble more now.

    4. to Anonymous: Hopefully you are mocking me! haha, if not, then here goes – Each time I was wearing business casual clothes! I am in a Director role, so nothing sleazy, etc whatsoever. Generally slacks, blazer and nice top or shift dress with pearls or statement necklace…Hair, as usual either straight or curly. Makeup, the usual bright but neutral makeup look. Not always heels either and yes coming straight from work.

      I believe it is due to being a kind of person that looks confident but approachable (meaning smiling, saying hello to people in close proximity, politeness etc) and just being overall nicely groomed, hair brushed, face touched up if need be with powder, little gloss maybe. Has happened when I lived in busy downtown and also in a small town also.

      However, IF you want to be strategic and you ARE looking, go to Whole Foods anytime from 5-6pm. Thats where all the professional men are – mostly single and picking themselves up dinner from the hot bar.

      & trust me, each time I was never looking, shopping and minding my business. I do believe in looking groomed and nice. Being presentable not like a slob not only makes you walk more confident, but you never know how people perceive you, so my thought is I want to look kept up/decent. I still get approached now but am married.

      2. also if trying to be strategic, and for example standing next to professional looking man at the hot bar or in the popcorn aisle (whatever), make small polite talk like, “so many options huh?, have you ever tried any of this?” or if in wine aisle “long day?” said with smile. He says ” oh yes, how about you?” , “yes! same here! what do you do?” ands jackpot. Convo flows and 90% chance if theres attraction, then he will ask for a number. Lol this is so unconventional and I know some of y’all will mock me for this! But for those that want to know more – I am an open book haha!

        There’s also a Home Depot trick… shared with a friend recently. Involves asking a guy advice about resurfacing countertops! Just trying to help! It doesn’t always have to be an app! in my opinion. It can be a little more organic and being confident/polite small talk works wonders.

        1. Married but loving this advice. Mostly because the small town girl in me wants it to be okay to chat up randos at the grocery store.

          1. I think chatting up randos in a local grocery store is a lot more organic than VERY strange men on the internet that could definitely be serial killers lol :)

    5. If you’re willing to move to Bigger City, and you’re sure you could find a job there, you might want to seriously consider moving there.

      The caveat – only if you actually want to live there! Moving because you’re in a committed relationship and it makes sense to move is obviously an adult thing to do, but don’t be super quick to change your life for a theoretical relationship. But it sounds from your post that you might actually want to live there – is that the case? If you would like to live in Bigger City (long-term), give it a shot. The math of finding someone is just better.

      However, if you really want to live (or return) to your current city, maybe decide it’s ok to know people’s exes?

    6. I met my SO on eHarmony 4 years ago. We are engaged and have a baby, so yes it worked for us! I liked that it was more private than the others and less like picking a boyfriend out of a catalog. I also have a job where I have to be careful about my personal safety so this was better than having my face all over Match. It had guided communication, which was kind of cheesy but we did all of it. We never would of met in our community otherwise, we are in completely different fields. We are in a community of approx. 200K in the metro area, with a college.

  15. Y’all. I cannot stop thinking about a guy I went on four dates with. Two months ago. It is driving me insane.

    There was gardening and it otherwise went well and I totally thought my biggest problem was that he was more into me than I was into him. But then he got sort of weird (which I basically told him; we’re too old for not being upfront) and blew off our plans right before I left for an international trip for two weeks. Nothing since then. I have to just forget this, right? Nothing good can come of me texting him out the blue? He knew how to get in touch with me if he was still interested in me, and yet he hasn’t? There’s no such thing as “he probably feels weird that you told him he was being weird but otherwise he really liked you and would probably be glad to hear from you”? He’s just not that into me?

    Sigh. I hate dating.

    1. Yeah, so. There’s not. Not really.

      I guess if you had some thing you wanted to clarify with him, you could try that. But if you’re reaching out for “closure,” or to see if he actually is still interested, it’s probably not worth it.

      I know. I hate it, too.

    2. Swear I’m not the person who posted immediately above me. But it was four dates, he appears to have ghosted, and his name was John. STOP RUINING OUR LIVES, JOHN.

      1. Well, if it makes you feel any better, this John character clearly has an MO, and was also dating both of you simultaneously before he ghosted you both. ;)

    3. If you’re actually too old to not be upfront, you text him. “Hey back from trip, it was amazing. Would love to get together again- how about drinks Saturday?”

      Then if he doesn’t respond you actually know.

        1. +1

          If it makes you feel better, I was John once. He was genuinely great, but I just happened to meet someone else who was even more great. I didn’t initially tell him that I met someone even more great, because I wanted to see what would happen first, but then after about a month it felt awkward to reach out just to break up with someone I hadn’t really been dating. What I’m trying to say, is that you’re still awesome. It’s not a reflection on you if he doesn’t want to meet up again.

    4. I’d text him once and invite him to do something concrete.

      If he replies, you can see what’s up in person. If he doesn’t, at least you have closure that he’s truly ghosted.

      But keep in mind that you deserve someone better than John-who-ghosts. He SHOULD be into you!

    5. Er, so, did you contact him when you got back or while you were gone…? If not, why didn’t you? He might have gotten the impression you ghosted him, as you were the one who was obligated to let him know you were back, as I see it.

      That said, I agree with the other folks saying if you really want to you can send him one text to try to reestablish connection, and if he doesn’t respond, don’t send another.

      1. Not the OP, but at what point should you stop trying to contact someone?

        Say you text someone once, and no reply. So you don’t reach out again. Who has ghosted who?

        I’ve had friends/family say they texted when I didn’t receive anything, so I do think one ignored text isn’t ghosting. Its possible John didn’t get it. But twice, three times? Probably ghosting.

        1. OP here. So I texted him once while I was gone, he responded a day later and asked a question. I responded and then asked him a question. No response. I think I didn’t ghost? He ghosted? But then why was he even responding or asking me questions to begin with? I can’t believe how granular this is. I’m going to publish an academic paper on this.

          1. Ah, OK, fair. I still say if you really want to one text, but I would probably just let it go. I’ve been there, and it sucks to not get a clear read from someone on their interest level, but in these situations I think an unclear read should just be interpreted as a no.

          4. I like the idea of texting him if you’re still thinking of him.

            My rationale is this: maybe something happened to his phone. I’ve had three lost, drowned, stolen in the past year or so and am not so good at backing things up. Therefore, can’t get some numbers until the person messages me.

            That being said, like some of the other posters noted, if you message (include your name) and he doesn’t message back, forget about it.

            Good luck!!

    6. This is odd. You told him he was being weird (and maybe that you thought he was too into you). So he completely backed off and now you’re wondering why he “ghosted” you. I know that dating involves riddles and games and a whole lot of unnecessary b.s. But you (being upfront) told him you were not that into him and thought he was being weird. He reacted exactly like someone would react and backed off because your message was “you’re weird, I don’t like you that much.” Sorry–but if you want to fix this, it’s your move.

        1. And if he says no, we’ll all be here to hate John for you again. JohN! Gah! Get some taste in women! And manners! UGH! John! JSFAMO!

          Or we can help you plan which security to hire, and which workout videos to buy, for your nuptials with John. Either way you’ll be okay.

      2. Yeah…if someone flat-out told me I was being weird and gave me the sense that I was much more into them than they were to me, I would totally ghost. Girl, come on. Obviously after something like that you need to put some more effort in to rekindle things.

  16. Hey guys,

    My partner has been sick for years with a mysterious recurring illness. We’ve been together for six years and it has cropped up at several points in our relationship. It leaves him feeling exhausted, with bad headaches and some stomach issues. When it strikes, it leaves him unable to go to work, or he will leave early on certain days. He has been to several doctors, but no one has been able to find anything. He recently had a colonoscopy that was similarly uneventful. However, he continues to experience these symptoms and it has really put a halt on his life and our plans together.

    He has often accused me of not being sympathetic toward him. Sometimes I will express concern over the fact that he’s missing work. Or sometimes he will say things that edge into self-diagnosis territory or he will be very critical of his doctors and I’ll be uncomfortable over that, which makes him angry. I understand that this is a very frustrating situation to be in and I want to do my best to be supportive. But I often feel as if there’s nothing I can do, which is hard for me to deal with.

    Any thoughts? (Anything at all, really?)

    1. Has he had brain imaging?

      Assuming that he’s a responsible, self-managing adult, do stop expressing concerns about missing work.

      Focus on listening. Let him vent. He needs to express frustrations about his health care because he’s frustrated about his health (and feeling badly makes everyone cranky). When he’s interested in a discussion, then you can offer your thoughts. (ie, preface with “would you like to know my thoughts?” and if the answer is no, then keep them to yourself).

    2. Your partner’s situation sounds almost exactly like the issues my husband has been dealing with. He has also seen several doctors and had a colonoscopy, endoscopy, etc. and no doctors have found anything. One doctor did prescribe one medication that seems to be helping, as everyone believes this is a partial physical medical issue as well as a mental issue. So far, we have seen improvement in staying away from key trigger foods (steak for example, my husband’s stomach/digestive system cannot handle), as well as regular daily exercise which helps the physical as well as the mental symptoms.

      I don’t have any specific advice. I try to be present at every doctor’s appointment too, so I know exactly what the doctor is saying. I also gently remind my husband to avoid certain foods and I grocery shop to accommodate what he needs too. My husband is very vigilant about exercising daily, taking probiotics, and getting treatment for the pain via an urgent care visit or ER visit.

      I totally understand that it’s so so so hard to be supportive. I have days where my husband cannot get out of bed until 2-3 hours after I do due to stomach pain, and I still trudge on to work regardless of whether I have a headache or not. Hugs to you.

      1. Really appreciate you reaching out. It is helpful to know that there are others that have gone through the same thing. I’m hoping we can achieve a similar balance even if we can’t get at a diagnosis (I might be kind of naive in thinking that we might get to a stage where he takes a pill and it’s all better). It is a difficult addition to all of the normal stressful elements of a relationship. Hugs to you as well.

    3. Is he at all open to seeing a psychotherapist? The symptoms you list – exhaustion, headache, stomach problems – can all be stress-related. I know many people would be insulted by the suggestion that their medical issues might originate in mental health, so tread lightly.

      This must be very hard on you, too: “…it has really put a halt on his life and our plans together.” Do the two of you ever talk about how this is affecting your life together? It sounds like he wants sympathy and support when he’s having symptoms. Does he talk about it when he isn’t having symptoms?

      1. I agree with you that a therapist might be helpful, but every time I’ve imagined how that conversation would go, I just see him using it as another example of me failing to appreciate the seriousness of his illness. That doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying of thinking of ways to bring it up, but I think it would have to be something he’d arrive at on his own.

        We have, but only recently. He doesn’t talk about it when he isn’t having symptoms and it really has set some plans back significantly. Originally he was not being upfront about how sick he was feeling, and so I was chalking things up to apathy about our relationship. I understand now and much has improved re: communication, but it’s been hard moving on from that.

        1. Hey stress can have very serious effects on the human body, so it really shouldn’t be seen as not taking it seriously. Tell him you want to help him find a solution (or at least understand the cause) and are willing to exhaust every option, whether that’s mental, environmental, etc.

          Take it from someone who went to the ER over the stress of biglaw. PS- my solution was a new job.

          Who knows, maybe being able to talk about the stressors will not only help him feel better but could bring you two closer.

          1. Seriously, I have to second everything being said here. In my youth, I always rolled my eyes at the idea that stress could make you physically sick. Until in my first year of university when I worked ALL. THE. TIME and maintained a 95% average I broke out in shingles. And had a strep infection that recurred for my entire undergrad.

            I recently just started a new job and am finding that I have unbearable back tension and neck stiffness. I kept on Googling why (obviously not the best strategy) before having an epiphany – I’m worked up and need to get into a new self care routine in my new city. My stomach is also often upset before work in the morning because of the excitement/anxiety that the newness of this all brings.

            There’s something to the mind-body stress-sickness connection that I think you really need to talk about. Especially if doctors are running tests and not finding physical evidence of disorder or disease.

    4. A lot of strange things happen to the body as a result of food allergies/intolerance. I would suggest visiting a naturopath for guidance, or checking out some good internet sites about how to cleanse the body. Usually this takes about two weeks and involves only eating greens and fish supplemented with clay/psyllium to remove the toxins. Then slowly (one per week) reintroduce foods and see what the reactions are. Not all reactions are immediate, some take a week or so to show up.

      Good luck!!

      1. I agree with the poster below about approaching the medical issues from a different viewpoint – Cleveland Clinic, Mayo Clinic (and satellites) are useful ideas.

        Also agree with the potential for it to be a food allergy/intolerance (but disagree about a cleanse…) but a true intolerance workup takes at least 3-4 weeks to do the initial phase and then adding foods is done more slowly than one per week because, as said, it may take a week or more for the intolerance to show so if 2-3 things have been added, the result may be skewed. This should ideally be done with the aide of a physician and with a dietician’s supervision because it’s tricky to do well. Also because allergens hide in processed foods. Soy hides in strange places, as does wheat and milk. Also tricky are nuts and nightshades. It could also be fish/shellfish, so the base diet is usually chicken, cooked pears and sweet potato or brown rice and nothing else three meals a day.

        My experience with naturopaths is that there are some really good ones and some really bad ones so I’d start with an MD.

    5. Can you get him a workup at Cleveland Clinic or something similar where doctors of various specialties all work together at once to see what they can figure out? A friend spent a year bouncing between various specialists with similarly vague symptoms, and then went to Cleveland Clinic in desperation. They figured out the problem very efficiently and she started a course of treatment that worked great.

  17. I am SO unmotivated to do anything except my hobbies which are fashion, beauty and interior design. However, I have invested a lot of time and money into my career and education. I do not see myself leaving my industry. how can I stop being so focused on those things which are much more of a passion for me? Can anyone relate?

    For example – (to clarify) you work in biglaw making 6 figures… but secretly your passion is in styling or interior design. But for financial obligations, stability etc, you don’t see yourself leaving biglaw to be an interior designer.

    1. Is there anything you can do on the side, like an etsy shop, fashion/beauty blogging or videos, etc?

      1. So I thought about this – the youtube/blogging route. Pretty extensively, only to realize being extremely private/introverted doesn’t facilitate this very well. The ones that do best are very extroverted, open women who seem to share a lot about themselves. Which is something I REALLY can’t/won’t do :/ hence my dillema

        DH thinks I would be good at interior design and always comments on my design skills… but I don’t know if I’m confident in that enough to charge people money for it yet..

        1. Try doing it for a friend first, at discounted rates. Like the cosmetics schools where you can get a cheap haircut or makeover from a trainee. I have zero interior decorating skills, zero time, and my dining chairs are falling apart and I need a sofa. I’d totally be up for some help, even if from a trainee.

    2. Hmm . . . tell yourself, no working on your hobbies until you make x hrs per month. That’ll “motivate” you to seek busier, challenging assignments upfront each month bc you know as soon as you’re over your own hours threshold, you can spend every weekend doing what interior design stuff you like?

    3. Why not take a simple course at a community college or online for interior design? Or, if you live near your college, you may be able to audit a design course as an alumni. Maybe you end up owning and rocking your own design business someday. I think you can combine this with Anon at 4:21 suggestion above.

    4. Not sure this will help you any, but I was in the fashion industry from about 10 years. Couldn’t really make a go of it any further for both $ and location issues, and I’m now in Biglaw. Biglaw sucks, but the fashion industry was really not a piece of cake either. The best thing about it really was the employee discount.

  18. I am looking for suggestions on how to organize my kid’s keepsakes/projects/art. I have a 9 month old who occasionally brings home little art projects from daycare. I don’t keep all of them, but I do keep things with his footprint, or anything “special.” Can anyone recommend a system for organizing these things? I would like to start now by keeping it organized by year, in a small enough system that I can add to it each year and duplicate for future children. Thanks for any ideas!

      1. Except that kids bring home GIANT THINGS. My mom got a portfolio case for each of us for each year of big art projects. I’m pretty sure they all got thrown away between age 5 and age 30, but it worked for the mean time and if I had grown up to be Picasso we’d have them all saved.

        There are also frames that are easy to switch art in and out of that are all the rage on unclutterer.

    2. I think you are underestimating how quickly these things will collect and therefore by the time your kid is in high school you will have a storage locker for him/her. That said, i have three kids and I bought a bigger than a shoebox smaller than a rubbermaid tote box for each, and I’d put things in there that I’d want to save. If I were really organized (I’m not), I could go through once a year and delete duplicates (cute picture of colored butterfly is a duplicate of cute picture of ladybug). I also threw in report cards, paper awards etc. This way, at the end of high school, I could hand them a smallish bin that had their “stuff” in it. The only organization that I had is that older stuff is on the bottom, newer stuff on top.

      1. Similar system: I buy these acid-free boxes from Amazon (Pioneer brand, I think) – each kid has a different color. I date things I want to keep, and they go in the box, also in reverse chronological order. I also include birthday cards and such. I go through a box about every two years (I don’t keep much).

    3. How about starting an instagram account dedicated to all the projects?

      You can also keep pics of the projects somewhere else so that when the kid is older they can still see what they made without having to think about all the storage and not worry about what social media will be like in 20 years.

      I’d keep the really favorite/special items on some sort of rotating display.

      Cheers!

      1. I really don’t understand replies like this. She specifically said she “doesn’t keep all of them” and tries to only keep the “special” things. She specifically asked for help with storage. Sometimes it’s better not to reply.

    5. You’re going to have a lot of stuff that even if you keep the super cute stuff, you’ll still have a ton of stuff.

      This is what I do now:
      A) put things that I don’t trash in a box.

      This is what I did until my little one was about 5:
      A) put things that I didn’t trash in a box
      B) wrote a blog for my family and posted pictures of the artwork/wrote stories of the cute things he did on the blog. It really didn’t take that much time and I wish I would’ve stayed up with it but life happens.

    6. Plastic filing boxes. I still have stuff from elementary school. I LOVE looking at them.

    7. A friend of mine scanned the art projects and made photobooks on Shutterfly. She even did cute titles like “Danny, Age 3, Printer Paper with Crayon, Titled: Dinosaurs in Red.” It looks like she spent forever on them, but she insists it was an easy, short weekend project creating the photobooks as long as she kept relatively on top of scanning them.

    8. My mother had a rubbermaid tote for each of us (yes the big ones). The deal was once we hit about 6, every year around our birthday we went through the box together and reminisced over how cool it all was, then got rid of some things to make more room. We did this until I was in high school. I now have that tote. At some point in jr high or high school I got some binders and sheet protectors for the paper stuff. It’s also great as an adult that I have the cool keepsake stuff, but in one easily transportable tote.

      That said, I am not from a super sentimental family, and purging excess stuff is pure joy in my family.

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