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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Jo Fitted Dress

Tailored Short-Sleeved Sheath Dress: L.K. Bennett Jo Fitted Dress Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. L.K. Bennett always makes drool-worthy work clothes, and this lovely dress is no different. I love that neckline and the seam detailing, as well as the slightly longer length. I do wish it came in black, but both the blue and red are strong colors for bold women. It’s $350 at L.K. Bennett, available in sizes 2-14. L.K. Bennett Jo Fitted Dress Here's a more affordable option and a plus-size alternative. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-4)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

447 Comments

  2. PLEASE HELP!! Birthday gift idea for my BFF. She’s expecting baby #2 very shortly, likes cooking/wine, reading, sewing/crafting, and generally relaxing.

    I’m actually at a loss right now because I’m a big person on ‘experiential gifts’, but the last several things I’ve gotten for her have all been experiential. We’re going to lunch (our tradition), but I want to give her something physical she’d really like. No body/skin products as she has very sensitive skin and isn’t really outdoorsy/athletic.

    I’m almost thinking a really nice open cardigan or a classy bag for her pump (I recall her wanting one in the past but not being able to justify the cost). Mega bonus points if I can order it on Am A Zon.

    1. If she’s into sewing, what about a sewing class or a gift certificate to a local fabric store plus a note that you will watch her kids for a few hours so she can use it?

      1. We watch each others’ kids periodically, switching off for date nights. We actually have a running agreement that neither of us is allowed to apologize for being tired or not being in contact as much as we liked until the youngest child is 7. Seriously, this woman is amazing and our friendship is gold.

        Very good idea; unfortunately, one that was taken by one family member for Christmas and another as a second baby gift…

    2. If she likes to cook, maybe a set of fancy olive oils and vinegars, organic spices, or a bunch of pre-made spice mixes? Fancy, unique, ready-to-go spice combinations add flavor and interest to the same meal you’ve been whipping up for the past 17 days because you’re too sleep deprived to think of something other than baked chicken and steamed veggies for dinner.

      The pump bag sounds like a great idea for a hooray-you-had-a-baby gift, but not so much as a birthday gift. Ymmv, but I try to give birthday gifts that are really for the individual and not something that she needs/”needs” because she’s a mom.

      1. This might be good… possibly paired with the Outlander cookbook… ?

        To clarify, I’m looking to spend in the $100 range.

        1. You can easily spend $100 on fancy oils or spices. Most of these places have gift packages at varying price ranges. I saw an organic spice website recently that has gift packages up to something like $200. There might be something local to you so that shipping costs would be less. Or you can go to the brick and mortar to taste all their delicious flavor combinations.

          1. I miss the edit button. Also, though, I didn’t know an Outlander cookbook was a thing. I’m totally putting that on my wishlist.

    3. I disagree with the comment about the pump bag – but I am the type of person who prefers very practical birthday gifts. If your friend wants a pump bag that can double as a professional bag, the Sarah Wells black leather bag (available on Amazon) looks amazing (though $165, so maybe a bit out of your range). It’s what I’ll be asking for for my birthday if we have another kiddo (I got the Juno Blu for the last kid, and it turned out to be way too small to double as a work bag). The Sarah Wells Lizzy bag looks much more lightweight and is precisely your price point, though I couldn’t use it at a conference. You could also get her a really fancy diaper bag. Again-YMMV, but I would love things that I need for baby but that are just a little bit nicer for mom.

    4. A nice open cardigan sounds great — I’ve been living in nursing tanks and cardigans over the past few months

      1. YES so much this. The barefoot dreams circle cardigan Cat posted a few weeks ago. I bought it post partum and it was a godsend for nursing and is now for pumping.

      2. Here are a couple from N@rdstrom that get very good reviews:the Bobeau long cardigan and the bobeau one button fleece wrap cardigan. I don’t own either but they’ve both been recommended here and at CapHillStyle several times.

        http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/bobeau-long-cardigan-regular-petite-2-for-75/3960129?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=CORAL%20APPLE

        http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/bobeau-one-button-fleece-wrap-cardigan-regular-petite/4447411?origin=related-4447411-0-5-FTR-Data_Lab_Recommendo_V2-recently_viewed_v3&recs_type=related&recs_productId=4447411&recs_categoryId=0&recs_productOrder=5&recs_placementId=FTR&recs_source=Data_Lab_Recommendo_V2&recs_strategy=recently_viewed_v3&recs_referringPageType=item_page

    5. What about a subscription to Blue Apron or one of those similar services? She still gets to cook, but doesn’t have to deal with the hassle of meal planning/grocery shopping with a newborn. Plus it’s quasi-experiential.

  3. Wanted to follow up on my beachy vibe shopping help request from last week. Thanks everyone for the thoughts and suggestions. I like when others post a follow up, so this is what I ended up with, which I think will work well and will be something I’ll enjoy wearing otherwise: https://www.madewell.com/madewell_category/AllProducts/PRD~F2700/F2700.jsp?Nbrd=M&Nloc=en_US&Nrpp=48&Npge=1&Ntrm=chambray&isSaleItem=false&color_name=DAMIEN%20WASH&isFromSearch=true&isNewSearch=true&hash=row2

  4. As a WOC I was a bit disappointed in the afternoon thread yesterday when someone called out another person for saying Irish Twins, and a couple of other people jumped to agree almost immediately, to the point where the person who posted it fell all over themselves to apologize. Had someone used a phrase that was offensive to POC or other marginalized groups, as opposed to a culture that is predominantly white and not marginalized I’m sure the jumping on and apology wouldn’t have happened so quickly. I also question why people got so upset at the phrase in the first place because I can’t see it being derogatory as was claimed. It’s a common saying with no malice intended. I was surprised to see this go down on a place where I thought people would be more enlightened.

    1. Also a WOC. I agree on your first point. I had never heard the phrase before so I looked it up. Apparently it’s derogatory because it’s essentially mocking the Irish for not using contraceptives and therefore having high birth rates.
      Also, if some member of a group finds something offensive, I try to take them at their word rather than having my own opinions about whether it should be offensive or not. I would just assume, as I would want someone to do for me, that maybe there’s just some subtext or something I didn’t totally understand.

      1. Yeah, I seem to remember a long thread yesterday morning about not telling people that they can’t be offended by something said about their ethnicity….

      2. Agree. It’s just…not that hard for me to remember being told something offends or hurts another human, do my best to avoid using again, and apologize if I get it wrong in the future.

    2. It may be a common saying, but that does not make it okay. It goes back to the hatred towards Irish immigrants and the stereotype of poor Irish breeding like rabbits.

      1. + 1

        Irish people have had a long history of discrimination. It’s only about 2/3 generations back that it was common to see employment advertisements in the newspaper that said “NO Irish”.

        1. +1. I may be more sensitive because my great-grandmother was still alive when I was growing up, and she had nightmare stories from when she came to the US, including awful abuse from the gear factoruy where she worked.

      2. As a Rabbit-American I find this characterization offensive. I am a working rabbit with a career and have to endure my co-workers thinking it’s hilarious to call me “Bugs”, offer me a carrot or pretend to cut off one of my feet. I expect better from this site.

        1. What point are you trying to make, Babs? Are you one of those ‘political correctness has gone mad’ people?

          I think what happened yesterday was a great example of how to do everything right when called out for a comment. Apologize, say you didn’t know that it was offensive and that now you know, you won’t use the term again.

          1. Nope, I’m pretty pro-political correctness.

            I just saw the phrase “breeding like rabbits” and thought, if rabbits were capable of being offended and also having agency over their reproductive choices, I bet they would find that offensive. And then I thought, what would it be like to be a frustrated rabbit in a workplace where people are always treating you in ways that are stereotypical of being a rabbit? No point really, just a joke?

            And no, I’m not trying to trivialize any of the challenges faced by POC or others who are often stereotyped. Literally was just “breeding like rabbits lol I bet a rabbit would be offended by that”.

      3. It’s good to know that some are offended by the term for a “better safe than sorry” approach, but I’m of Irish background, and I have no problem with the term. It actually communicates a meaning, i.e., siblings who aren’t real twins born within a 12 month period. And guess what: old time Irish families often had lots of kids. NBD. I’m the product of that. I get that some are sensitive to the term, but in 2016, it isn’t a slur, and no one should be made to feel like they just directed someone into steerage for using it for its common meaning.

        1. I’m also Irish and was unaware that it was considered derogatory. I always thought it just meant siblings with the same birth year that aren’t actual twins. Now that I know, it’s pretty easy not to use it.

        2. Agree re: “I’m a product of that” and I wouldn’t consider it a slur. Maybe it’s best used as an in-group term, sure, but we Irish are at the top of the ladder in the US, so it’s not like this particular term is really holding us back. I think it’s good for people to know where idioms come from, though. I don’t say “gyp” anymore, and that was a common phrase in my childhood.

          If you want to get your Irish up (there’s an old-timey phrase), you can ponder the etymology of paddy wagon, so called because that’s how the cops transported the drunken Irish to the jail. And then the Irish became cops, and continued to use the term. See also: donnybrook.

    4. Disagree. I think if someone used a derogatory term that was offensive to POC, the reaction would have been the same (given the composition of our group). Not saying the reaction would be the same among the general population.

      Also, why would you be disappointed that someone called someone else out for using a derogatory term and the person apologized? This is not a zero sum game. Raising people’s consciousness of derogatory expressions (even if they are used innocently) benefits everyone.

      3. +1

        OP, you’re basically saying that people shouldn’t apologize for things other groups find offensive until they stop doing things that offend POC and that makes no sense at all to me.

        Also “I can’t see it being derogatory” is basically what people who defend the name of that Washington baseball team say. It’s not a valid point when they say it, and it isn’t one here either.

          2. Um, that’s the name of the football team. No idea why baseball was brought into it??

          3. The Baseball team is the Nationals… Football is the redskins. Which I agree is offensive (redskins).

            Just want to make sure no one is disparaging the nationals!

        2. The ‘Nationals’ is considered an offensive name now? Wow. I never thought I would say this but political correctness has gotten out of control. I don’t even want to live on this planet anymore.

          1. I think she meant the football team (Redskins) not the baseball team (Nationals). At least I hope so.

        3. Sorry, got the sport wrong — I meant the football team. Shows you how much I care about sports.

        4. Not OP, but I think she’s saying that people only apologize for things found offensive to SOME groups of people and not OTHER groups of people (I’m guessing WOC). Being a WOC myself, I understand the sentiment, though I am not saying whether this happens here or not.

    5. “It’s a common saying with no malice intended.”

      You realize that’s how a lot of people once felt about now-common-knowledge-incredibly-wrong ways to refer to POC, right?

    6. I am the person who used the term yesterday and apologized. I wouldn’t say I “fell all over myself apologizing” – I said something that was offensive to a large segment of people and I apologized for it and said I won’t use the term again, which I won’t. I honestly had no idea it was offensive. My friend who I heard the term from has Irish ancestry, but perhaps it is one of those things where it’s more ok for members of the group to say themselves. Either way, even if some people are fine with it, it’s clearly offensive to many and has its roots in a derogatory stereotype, so it’s not a term I will use again. I can only speak for myself, but I would absolutely have had the same reaction if I had used a term that was offensive any other minority, including POC or a marginalized group.

    7. Um, what? People are called out here for white privilege every damn day…are you reading the same s i t e I am!? I think people would have come down on that poster way HARDER if she had said something that was offensive to POC as opposed to the Irish.

      1. Super Irish. Super not offensive to me or my family. We use it all the time, and we will continue to.

        1. And, FWIW, we are also very aware of its origins and references to not using birth control/religion, etc.

    9. I was surprised too. I am not Irish but I live in a place with a large Irish population and that term is definitely used regularly. I’ve heard it from my Irish friends and have never heard any suggestion that it’s offensive. I’ve never used it myself, but mostly because I’ve never really had occasion too. That said, the discussion yesterday made me think about the origins of the term and I can certainly see why people find it offensive. I also tend to subscribe to what anon at 9:15 said, that you don’t get to tell people what is or is not offensive to their ethnicity, so since I’m not Irish it’s not my place to declare the term inoffensive, even if it’s widely used in my community.

    10. I’m genuinely curious about why you think that it would have been different had the statement been related to another group (other than Irish). I can’t even imagine why someone would think that would be the case. Can you point to any examples on this or a similar site?

      The only real difference I can imagine is that someone who would say something about a marginalized group here is probably trolling or something, and not likely apologize (because being rude is the whole point), while this statement was obviously innocently intended.

    11. Is there another word in the English language to refer to siblings born within a short time of each other? How do you describe this without using the word “Irish twins?”

          1. Wait, that isn’t physically possible (right? 18 months and 11 months equals seven months, which would mean that there wasn’t enough time for the second pregnancy unless the second child was born prematurely). #overthinkingit

          2. I do think this is where PCness has gone out of control. Don’t you think we lose a little history? A little color? Some interesting phrases that denote something specific?

          3. Right. 9 months and 18 months is possible but I’ve never heard a parent describe a 9 mo as “not quite a year old.” Age is stated in months until the kid is at least two.

        2. No, I don’t think that removing derogatory comments means we lose history. It means we learn to respect people.

          Whether it’s Irish twins, Indian giver, sold down the river, or he jew’d me over–they’re not okay.

          2. Maybe it’s my personal bias showing (I’m Jewish) but I don’t think the terms “Irish twins” and “Jew’d me over” should even be mentioned in the same breath. I agree both are offensive and neither should be used, but in “jew’d me over” you are literally using “Jew” as a synonym for screwed over or cheated, with a strong implication of dishonesty. That is way more derogatory than a stereotype that the Irish don’t use birth control and have a lot of kids.

          3. I’m not weighting derogatory terms. None of them are okay.

            Irish twins is a term that implies more than a bunch of kids; it was a term that belittled Irish immigrants because they were viewed as filthy animals and were essentially rodents, and that the reason they were poor is because they spent so much time on their backs.

          4. Making overarching negative comments about an ethnicity, race, or religion or using an ethnicity, race, or religion as a stand-in for some other derogatory term is just not okay. Doing it against any group — even if it is a group that currently is relatively privileged — normalizes doing it against all groups. KT is right about the history of “Irish twins” being used as being a way to blame Irish for being poor — as opposed to blaming ethnic and religious bigotry — and the same types of blame are used to justify treatment of the poor today. It’s just that the negative stereotypes differ depending on whether the poor are urban or rural, white or POC. They’re all destructive, and they all undermine the dignity of human beings as individuals, not just a sum of genetics.

      4. I usually hear it described as “two under two” or “two in diapers.” Once they are past that stage the closeness in age is less of an issue.

        1. Two under two is not the same thing at all. You can have a 22 month old and a 3 month old – that’s two under two, but not two kids born in the same year.

      5. I’m from Boston, and “Irish twins” is definitely a commonly used and well-understood term by people of both Irish and non-Irish descent here. I’ve also heard it used by doctors and seen it on forms from public schools and camps (with regards to the decision to split or not-split kids who could be kept together based on age). So needless to say was pretty surprised to hear that it is considered inappropriate but will try to limit my own use in the future – I like the suggestion of “same year siblings” so will probably opt for that.

    12. So I think there’s a lot to unpack here. Irish Twins has a derogatory root, but as you can see on this board, some don’t find it offensive and yet some do. I do think you are correct, though, to point out that race with regard to terms matters. Irish, Germans, etc. were once heavily discriminated against in this country, but they are not any longer and are still, at the end of the day, white (and Christian for that matter, because Jews and Muslims and how we view them play a part here, too). I think historical context is important to understand that people have evolved and some people today who have racial biases might be surprised to learn their heritage 100 years ago wasn’t so desirable. Also important to understand that while we have evolved to no longer discriminate Irish, we have not yet evolved to not discriminate against people of color, be they Black, Hispanic, Native American, Asian, and Jewish people. Derogatory stereotypes hurt everyone and are objectively bad, yes. On the other hand, offensive slurs against Irish, Polish, Italians, etc. people while still terrible, don’t have quite the same violent **and current** undertone as those against people of color, because at the end of the day, you still walk around under the protective coat of white skin. I think that’s the point the OP was trying to make and it’s a nuanced one and worth thinking about.

      1. My point is that the term is not offensive and I am disappointed as a POC that there was a quick apology when a white culture was being “disparaged” when it’s difficult for marginalized people to have their voices heard when there is *actual* discrimination. Nutella is partially correct that any slurs against a culture that is made up of white people (Irish, Italians, Poles etc.) don’t have the same undertones. However she uses the word “current” and that’s incorrect because white people of those cultures have never faced discrimination or anything on the same wavelength of what POC and non-white people have faced. Not even close. It’s insulting for everyone here to act otherwise and jump to the defence of a white culture being called something that isn’t offensive and as I said in my original post, I wouldn’t have ever thought I would see that here.

        2. why do you get to decide what is offensive to an Irish person and what is not? Isn’t it enough that several people on this thread have said that it offends them?

          it’s not a contest to see who was discriminated against the most. not a zero sum game.

        3. So what is this magical power that gets to decide what is an offensive term, or not?

          Discrimination and derogatory terms suck. Trying to weight which is “worse” than others is a lose-lose game.

          When someone has made comments that were offensive to POC, they have been ripped for it, and rightfully so.

          I’m really confused as to why you are angry that someone used a derogatory term, someone corrected them, and the user apologized. That seems like a positive learning experience.

          1. I am a bit late to this party, but was anyone Irish actually offended yesterday by the use of Irish twins? My reading was that someone said that it could be taken as offensive but I have no recollection of anyone being offended.

            For what it is worth, I checked with my born and raised in Ireland husband about same and he noted that Irish people use it all the time, including his family to describe a member of their family’s baby situation.

            And KT, I hear what you are saying about the use of these old phrases but I honestly think the group you chose diluted your point rather than strengthening it as all of the others were so blatantly awful and this one is just, not in the same league. At all.

          2. @ Never too many shoes

            I have Irish (like from Ireland 2 generations back) in-laws and they would have been offended. They remember their parents talking about not being able to get hired because they were Irish or various other ways that the high Irish birth rate was referred to (‘litter of children’). People who have felt looked down on or discriminated because they were Irish wouldn’t often like any of the Irish related pejoratives (paddy wagon/irish twins etc).

            I understand that Irish people may use these terms among themselves but just because some members of a group are okay with reclaiming terms that were previously used to degrade, I don’t think it’s advisable to assume everyone in the group feels the same way.

        5. I get what you are saying, but I don’t think you’re doing a good job unpacking everything here. Fine to point out that you think slurs against non-POC groups get called out stronger/faster/etc. What doesn’t work is not listening to someone who says that a term is offensive to their group. Also, intentions don’t matter with microagressions. Does the “I didn’t mean anything offensive” get pulled out more with microagressions against POC versus microaggressions against non-POC? Yes and I’m calling that out, but intentions don’t matter in either case.

          And as a non-POC member of a religious minority that has been the target of full-on genocide, I am absolutely aware that I have white privilege. But that doesn’t erase the discrimination that I & members of my community face, or the historical treatment (torture, murder, etc.) of my people. Speaking of things you’re not unpacking.

        6. @Anonymous OP 8:58

          “However she uses the word “current” and that’s incorrect because white people of those cultures have never faced discrimination or anything on the same wavelength of what POC and non-white people have faced. Not even close.”

          This is a false statement. In the 19th century and early 20th century (1800-1930), Irish immigrants were discriminated against on a large scale. (Another poster stated that want ads routinely said “No Irish” – see article by Rebecca A. Fried.) Not as much, certainly, as African slaves of the same era or African Americans in the 20th century but enough to be life changing. That you can’t see that makes it likely you need to study more American History.

        7. You have to be a troll or just really, really terrible at making your point. This is such a weird argument–where is the magical library with the authoritative literature on what phrases are/are not offensive, as dictated by people outside of that culture/ethnicity? FWIW, the opinions about the term “Irish twins” (which my Irish grandmother who had many, many children hated) are far more varied than I would ever expect to see if someone used a slur against POC here.

  5. So I’m just disgusted.

    A woman I know was a delegate at the DNC in Philadelphia. She was assaulted in a bar by another delegate, in front of witnesses. She reported it to the police, spent hours being questioned, gave them lists of witnesses….and the DA is refusing to prosecute because the guy had been drinking and couldn’t understand that she did not consent.

    W. T. F.

    https://actionnetwork.org/petitions/da-williams-dont-let-alcohol-be-a-get-out-of-jail-free-card-for-sexual-violence

        1. This is part of why I’ve been taking a social media break. I couldn’t take it anymore after friends of friends were trying to defend what Brock Turner did. None of my friends tried to but I saw it all because people they know added their thoughts to posts. I even wound up getting into an argument with a former colleague of my dad’s (who I think my dad unfriended thank goodness). I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. It’s been pretty nice to take a break. But you can’t avoid everything. I’m so sorry your friend has been going through this.

          2. They were both drinking….why should his life be ruined for something they were both doing….she left the party with him..she was leading him on….blah blah blah.

            The former colleague had no understanding of the fact that she’s be paying for the decision to go to that party and drink for the rest of her life. Or the fact that a woman can consent and then withdraw her consent at any time.

            It was a little awkward explaining to a grown man on my own father’s Facebook page that if you buy me dinner I don’t have to have sleep with you, we could be making out and I don’t have to sleep with you, we could be n8ked and I don’t have to sleep with you. We could be married and I don’t have to sleep with you. And if I’m passed out dr4nk I can’t consent so you can’t assume that I have.
            Luckily my dad and all other family members were on my side. But he wasn’t the only one I saw saying things like that so I needed to just step away.

          3. …My head hurts that people like this still exist…and that they’re normal-ish people walking among us.

          4. I think the logic goes, They were both drinking, she consented at some point, and when she withdrew her consent he was too drunk to realize she withdrew it/could no longer give it because she was unconscious.

          5. The other male complaint I hear is that if you can’t give consent when you are too drunk and two drunk people end up having sex which one is the victim?

          6. I do think that the same-sex angle of this is interesting and have never seen it discussed. Two men or two women would be treated . . . how? I honestly don’t know. But violence in same-sex relationships is a huge thing and one that I’ve seen victims be very reluctant to report.

          7. To anon @ 11:18 – It’s certainly an important question, but I don’t think there’s a lot of gray area when, as with the Brock Turner case, (1) A pressures B to drink excessively so that B will be more compliant (2) when A “helps” B out of the party to “sleep it off” in A’s room, (3) but on the way, B falls over drunk behind a dumpster and A goes to town on B’s unconscious, unresponsive body.

            (3) might be pretty extreme, but (1) and (2) happen all the time with interchangeable genders. It’s a pretty bright line no matter what the respective genders of A and B are, and it’s super sad that that isn’t more widely recognized.

        2. KT – your “I’ve had enough of the world today” sums up what I was feeling before even reading your post. I just can’t even with the news anymore. I’ve been trying to step back from the news of all of the mass shootings lately. I still donate to the Lutheran Comfort Dog Ministries for each tragedy they go to. Then I read that the comfort dog team was victim of a shooting in Joplin. Luckily, everyone, including the dogs are expected to survive but the fact that they were all shot in the line of their work just makes me want to vomit. It was random gun violence but somehow that doesn’t make it any better.

    2. I think it would be an easier call if she had been merely assaulted in a bar. [I’m not saying that that’s right, but it is clear that no one consents to being clocked or beaten up.]

      At any rate, I get what the DA is saying (which is not to say I agree). OTOH, with this internet shaming (and stories naming her), why not just name him also?

      1. I agree that he needs to be named. If they’re going to name the victim then the perpetrator should be named too.

        Selfishly, I want him to be named so I can run a conflicts check. I don’t want to sign a petition like this and then find out that the perp is a client.

      2. Can you explain what you mean by understanding where the DA is coming from? I’m really struggling with even seeing it from another angle. If someone is drinking and gets behind the wheel, we don’t say “Oh he was drinking, he didn’t know driving drunk was bad”…we arrest them.

        As for the name thing, she made the choice to come forward using her own name. As for why he isn’t named, I would guess that because no charges are being made, and he’s a fairly well-known person, she was afraid to post his name or use it in interviews out of fears of libel/slander charges on top of everything else.

        1. If you start with all actionable conduct, less than 100% results in complaints, fewer still in arrests, fewer still in prosectutions, fewer still prosecutions not downgraded from original charged conduct, fewer still prosecutions not diverted into first-offender programs, etc.

          If city courts, they are overburdened with felonies (so crimes to persons > crimes to property). Add in likely misdemeanor, likely first offender, likely out-of-town witnesses; add in dim lighting, bar, drinking, etc. I can see why an ADA sees they guy getting a slap on the wrist and the caseload of gang shootings (or whatever) and declines to press charges. I can also see why an ADA declines to revisit in light of him being shamed publicly (and in a way you can’t expunge). Worse damage than the prosecution has already happened.

        2. Honestly, I’d name him and let him sue. I’m sure she’d have an army of lawyers to pick from to defend her (and probably make names for themselves). The DNC itself out to fund it to show how they stick up for women and that every woman has a right to be believed.

        3. I think the law is still catching up on assaults that don’t involve some type of penetration. I think other women can be less supportive because most women have been victims of a groping before. They deal with it by minimizing it. If they get behind another woman and say “no, this was assault” then they have to admit to themselves that they were also victims of an assault. There is what is on the books and then what actually gets prosecuted and unfortunately, I don’t think we are there yet to put the resources into assaults that have “cutesy” names like “motor-boating.” The DA thinks a jury pool, particularly with older jurors who were brought up with different definitions of consent will think this was no big deal. Or will think it was a civil matter instead of a criminal matter. I’m not saying I agree, I’m just saying I’m not surprised they won’t prosecute it.

          Where they are majorly messing up is in their reasoning. Saying he was too drunk is idiotic. Saying we don’t think a jury will convict would be more on point.

          1. Yeah–I think it was that they blatantly said “he was drinking so couldn’t understand consent” that made me throw up in my mouth

  6. Shopping help needed ladies! It is time to replace my “everyday” purse – the MK tote that now everyone has. I am thinking of the Tory Burch York bag in the deep purple color – it would fit my laptop (a must), looks nice for every day/after-work drinks as well as business trips, etc. And it is in a similar price class ($300ish) Is this my best bet, or is there another bag out there that you guys love? TIA!!

    1. I posted a few days ago looking for a similar item. I have been searching the internet- the Tory Burch Robinson line might be good for you, as well as some other Kate Spades. I’m still looking though so any suggestions are welcomed for me too!

      I am not sure if I should have two bags: one to carry my lunch and extra clothes I sometimes bring to work/sometimes don’t, and a nicer satchel-like purse that I carry every day (and can take to after work drinks with it being super bulky, etc.), or just one big bag. Have you considered two bags?

      1. I thought about the 2-bag thing, but they key for me really is the ability to grab my laptop and have it with me whenever I need it (which is also why the Robinson doesn’t work). I have a separate bag for the gym, so that’s not an issue. I will look for your post!

    2. I recently got a new work tote to go along with my new job and I put way too much time into researching it. While I love the look of the Tory Burch York Tote and really wanted to get it, the reviews are not good. The straps apparently come apart way too easily. If you don’t carry a lot of heavy stuff, it might be ok, but I daily carry my laptop and some files, along with my regular purse stuff, so knew it wouldn’t hold up. I had a lot of sales people try to sell me things that didn’t have laptop pockets or wouldn’t carry file folders – there aren’t a lot of options out there if you want separate pockets for things. I ended up with a Cole Haan tote that is not the most stylish, but was by far the most functional, with perfectly placed pockets for everything I need. The big issue is it only comes in black, but I decided I could live with that since it was otherwise the exact bag I had been looking for. It now comes in a few colors – it’s the Tali work tote.

      1. Thanks for the reco. I really like the Cole Haan Work Tote – is it super heavy? Were you able to find a discount code for it?

    3. I just replaced my everyday purse (a Longchamp LePliage, dark purple color, where the corners frayed and I got it fixed and the new corners frayed – all within a year). After having a nylon bag, all leather bags seemed too heavy with papers and stuff inside, so I bought the Tumi Voyageur Q tote that several people on this board recommended. The styling of the Q tote recently changed, but I like the old style (with the leather straps going all the way around the bag) better, so I was happy to buy it now and also get it on sale from nordie’s. I got Moroccan blue, which is a very pretty, not too staid blue.

  7. Yesterday’s thread about POCs and anti-white rants has me thinking about this, and I’m wondering what other POCs here think about this. First, let me just say up front that in no way do I believe that it’s our responsibility or obligation as POCs to educate others. It’s a huge burden and it’s grossly unfair that it falls on us.

    That said, I think most ignorant white people to a large extent hold the opinions that they do because they aren’t aware of any other perspective but their own, society reinforces those thoughts, and yes, they generally don’t seek out further information and are therefore complicit in their own ignorance. Also in my observation, POC who know those people frequently shy away from speaking up or otherwise offering a different view. I used to do that. But I think most people, for better or worse, really only learn from the relationships they have with other people and the things their POC friends (or other POC they know and respect) share with them. This is why I decided a while ago to embrace the whole “education” thing to the extent that I can tolerate it. I do have friends and acquaintances who I think understand POC issues differently as a result of our conversations, and for me personally, I think that’s worth the discomfort and in some instances pain that it took me to get there.

    Plus, I get that not everyone wants to do this, so I feel like maybe my being willing to “educate” or otherwise speak out will affect some change and alleviate that “responsibility” for other POCs who don’t really want to. I don’t think that my approach to this is necessarily better than any other, and I frequently wonder whether I’m just wasting my time and precious emotional energy. I’m curious about how willing other POCs here are to educate others and why you feel that way.

    1. Agree that it shouldn’t be POCs’ responsibility and that it can feel burdensome, and also totally agree that this kind of education (in a non-threatening/accusatory/angry way) has actually seemingly worked for me, as opposed to venting the (completely reasonable) hostile/aggressive/ranty feelings, which only seems to put ignorant white people on the “BUT I’M NOT RACIST” defensive.

      1. Honestly, if I ranted or vented to a male friend about men they’d get defensive too. Getting defensive in response to venting about a group to which you belong is human nature, not a white people problem.

    2. Thank you for saying this. It helps us understand your perspective given that we haven’t lived it or recognized it.

    3. I’m POC.

      I think I “educate” selectively. mostly when I’m not exhausted from other things – racism, work, life…

      It’s a constant (subconscious, mostly) calculation that I do. Will I have to see this person again? Do I care enough about them to want them to understand my perspective? Are they the kind of person who is interested truly in understanding something that their privilege protects them from? Then, yes, I say something.

      Or at other times I just lose my temper and say something out of irritation and / or anger.

    4. OP of yesterday’s POC discussion here.

      I’m generally willing to educate… up to a point. Maya Angelou said something I live by. ‘Do the best you can until you know better. Then do better.’ So I try and give people resources they can use to educate themselves, but if they’re still unresponsive/unwilling to learn then depending on how important they are to me, and how much energy I have, I either engage or let it go. Sometimes my patience wears thin and I get confrontational, especially if they continue being dense, but generally I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

  8. If you’re worried about ubiquity I would not get the Tory Burch tote. What about Furla? Lots of classic simple leather totes, wears like iron and is a little bit less ‘appeals to the masses and will be ‘uncool’ before you know it’ …

      1. Do you know of any specific ones that would hold a 15-in. laptop? I did look at Furla actually but couldn’t find any. And yes, the ubiquity is my concern – although I think TB is less common where I am…

        1. I really like my leather Dagne Dover for this. Its not a ‘fancy’ brand, but it looks gorgeous, and I’ve had many women ask me at conferences/airport security lines who makes it.

    2. +1 Furla bags are gorgeous and so much more classic than the Tory Burch or MK bags with the ostentatious logos. My next bag is going to be a Furla.

      1. Note that Furla bags are really nice but I could never find a tote large enough to carry a file. You can often find them on sale at Nordstrom Rack, FYI.

        1. I love my Furla satchel handbags … the OP might look at ebags dot com because you can search by laptop size. I have a rolling laptop bag for travel and a shoulder bag, both from there. Not Furla brand though. The should bag is Siamod and the roller one is voyageagogo … I adore it and get compliments all the time. It’s cherry red which helps when everyone else’s luggage and travel rolling computer bags are black.

          If you find a laptop bag by Furla, do let us know!

    3. The laptop bag by Henri Bendel looks nice. I have the tote and have been very happy with the quality.

  9. First world, icky problem. We chose our outdoor wedding venue in the winter, when the wedding stuff was not yet set up – tent etc. The house on the property has one restroom, and the guide explained that nice porta potties would be set up on the property. He said a large fence would completely enclose and hide them, and that a staff member would constantly clean/refill TP.

    A few weeks ago we went to a concert at the venue and guess what…the PPs are awful. The fence is way too short, only covering them about halfway up. They’re gross and there is no way to wash hands. Plus they are literally right outside the tent where the whole reception will take place. As the tent is open air, guests will be staring at the PPs while eating dinner. I freaked out.

    The venue is otherwise perfect. Beautiful, an outrageous price. Private property so we can alter it as much as we want. We’re in NYC, wedding is about 9 months away, and there’s no way we’re changing venues. Not an option, and as gross as this is I just don’t think it can be a dealbreaker.

    So, how do I fix this? There is one bathroom inside – is that enough for 60 people. We could completely enclose the PP station with a tent or curtains etc – so guests wouldn’t know it’s there. We could also try to ‘improve’ the PPs. Put curtains so that you can’t see the actual potties from the reception. Put out a table with luxury hand sanitizer, etc. But the idea of my guests hiking up their nice dresses and sitting atop the blue sewagey liquid is really disgusting to me. I don’t think I’m being an unreasonable bridezilla? Can you help me think outside the box for solutions? Venue is very DIY, so we can do pretty much whatever.

    1. For 60, one bathroom isn’t awful- but it’s not ideal. Can you make the indoor bathroom ladies only and send the men outside? That leaves one bathroom for 30(?) people which again, not perfect but somewhat do able.

      That assumes you are OK with your male Guests in the PPs. Can you check out the venue over the next few months and see how other weddings do bathrooms? Not attend the actual wedding of course but swing by and see the set-up?

    2. I think you’re probably overreacting a little – how many people were at this concert? Probably hundreds or thousands? That’s really different than 60 wedding guests in terms of how gross the PPs are going to get. Are you sure the staff was cleaning the PPs at the concert? I could see that being something they only do for weddings. There’s never an opportunity to wash your hands at a PP, so putting hand sanitizer in there sounds like a good idea.

      I also think the indoor bathroom, even if it’s only one stall, is probably plenty for 60 guests. I was at a wedding last weekend with 120 guests and one unisex bathroom stall (no PPs or anything like that). There weren’t bad lines for the bathroom and although it was a little grungy but the end of the night it was still nicer than the average porta-potty.

    3. if $$ is not an issue, hire your own fancy PPs. There are literally PPs that are like regular bathrooms, with marble floors and regular sinks. I’m sure it costs at least a few thousand to rent one, but if it’s causing you that much anxiety, it might be worth it.

      also, one bathroom for 60 guests may be enough. I’ve been to weddings with 120 guests where there were 2 bathrooms- there was usually a line, but only 1 or 2 people long so not a big deal.

      1. YES!

        I went to the White House Correspondents Dinner one year and the porta-potties were nicer than the one in my apartment (and you could wash your hands). Not like the ones at Gold Cup at all. I would do it if I were rich enough for outdoor messy kid parties now that my festival days are behind me.

      2. I went to a wedding where they did this and they were really nice; running water, flowers, not porta like at all. Their wedding was on a piece of land so they had to bring everything in.

      3. Yes, I’ve been to a few outdoor venues that had really nice porta-potties that looked just like nice public restrooms – a common room with a sitting area even, marble sinks with real faucets, several stalls, real toilets that flush, overhead lighting, etc. (They even had cloth towels.) They are the ones where you go up a couple of stairs to it – I imagine the section underneath is where the waste goes, so the smell is contained, too. I’m sure they are expensive, but you’d probably only need one with 3 stalls or so.

      4. +1. I went to a wedding at a similar-sounding venue and the “porta-potties” were really normal-looking bathrooms with two stalls and a sink.

    4. Are you sure they’re the same PPs they will use for your wedding? I was married in a similar venue, and they had a bathroom trailer that really was quite nice. If you had just been inside, you never would have known they were portable.

    5. Yes, I would be grossed out if I was a guest and I had to use a PP at a wedding. Plus, how are women going to fix up their makeup and hair in the bathroom? You need a separate place to at least wash hands and do some primping IMO.

    6. I just went to a wedding where there was a tented reception outside the house. There were 2 bathrooms in the house and two nicer PPs just adjacent to the tented area. They were elevated — you climbed stairs to get to them, and they had doors — it was almost like a trailer on a film set. I assume such things can be rented. I chose to walk back to the house, but most people didn’t. I think there were about 120 people at this shindig.

      1. THey use this for the general public at Windsor Castle. That would seem to be a good idea to check out. Brilliant.

    7. One bathroom is NOT enough for 60 people! As a former event planner, this is a pretty common issue. This is what I always did.

      I’d have the venue move the PPs out of site or remove them temporarily altogether.

      Then I’d hire a deluxe or luxury PP company to bring in trailer PPs. They look like lovely small RVS, and are equipped with fully working, flushing toilets, actual faucet sinks, etc. Many of them have wood cabinets, granite countertops, etc; they look like an upscale hotel bathroom on the inside.

      I’ve always used Pretty Pottys for events, but I know other event planners have used Service Sanitation or OnsiteCo just to name a few. Just google luxury or deluxe PPs in your area; the pricing/size varies. You can get a one-stall trailer all the way up to a 12-stall version.

      Have the venue move the current PP’s.

    8. Hmm. Are you able to rent a couple of really nice portapotties from a separate contractor and just tell the coordinator? Phrase it something like, “We would like to give our guests the ‘luxury’ portaloos (some are *seriously* luxe inside, no joke), can you work with your contractor?”

    9. If money is not a problem, I think the best fix may be to bring in portapotties from another vendor. I’m not in nyc so I don’t have specific recs, but I’m pretty sure there are companies who provide “high end” portable bathrooms.

      Do you have a wedding planner? This is the kind of thing they are awesome at. If you were on fence about getting one, consider it.

    10. I think this is funny. Did you not know what a PP is? They ALWAYS have blue gross liquid and no running water. Second the recommendation to look into luxury PP. I’ve see ones which are brought in via trailer and they can have running water and flush.

      1. Honestly, this was my first reaction. I know it’s not funny to you OP, but this is what standard PPs are! I would ask the venue if these are the same ones that will be used for your wedding and if they say yes, rent your own nice ones.

    11. You can rent bathroom trailers for something like $2500. They generally have 3-4 stalls, running water, electricity (incl. temperature control), and no gross blue liquid to look at. You’d have to decide whether you’re cool with having one unisex trailer or if you’d prefer to have 2.

      1. Yay! This is exactley what Rosa had at her wedding. Dad paid for it and we held it in our back yard, but Dad did NOT want 150 people traipseing through our home to go to one of the toilets, especialy b/c there would be kid’s there (who are alway’s missing), and old peeople who do NOT apreciate sitting down on a wet toilet seat. And there are others with IBS and other digestive issue’s who live in the toilet, Dad says, while other peeople who need to pee (or poop) can’t get in. FOOEY!

        When I get MARRIED, it will NOT be in dad’s backyard. I want to go to the Pierre Hotel, or the Plaza, where there are peeople in the toilet’s to help you wash and dry your hand’s and give you toiletries to make sure you come out fresh and not with toilet paper stuck to your pump’s!

        I hope the OP has a GREAT wedding, and that poopie will NOT be an issue. YAY!!!!!

    12. Call the venue. It might be set up differently for a wedding. If they won’t fix it, demand that they remove their port a potties and rent a bathroom trailer- the kind with running water.

    13. I was at a golf tournament once and the “port potties” were actually pretty nice bathrooms in a trailer. They had running water, etc. You walked in an there were about 3 small stalls inside the trailer. It was nothing like the blue portapotties that I picture at concert venues.

    14. Book a trailer with washrooms with running water. One washroom is not enough for that many people and will cause embarrassment if you have any ill, elderly, limited mobility or other guests who require privacy and time

    15. Yes, please rent a bathroom trailer. One bathroom is not enough, and unless your wedding is extremely casual, PPs are not appropriate, even if the toilet paper is never empty.

    16. Have you called the venue yet? I would recommend verifying that what you saw at the concert is also what’s standard for weddings, then express your concerns. Also, check your contract. Are they any specifications regarding the ah, facilities? If it is what you’re getting, I would let them know it wasn’t what was described, and ask if they’re willing to curtain or partition that area off better, provide water, or what the upgrade to improve the facilities would be. They may be able to get better pricing than you.

      My family has a private outdoor event space and the pp’s do change out depending on the group, their needs and what they’re willing to pay.

  10. I need organization help (inspired by the planner discussion last week). I am not an organized person by nature. I am looking for some kind of overall organization system for my life that will be easy for me to stick with. I have read Getting Things Done and like the idea, but I struggle with how to implement it in the modern world where most stuff is digital. I have the following: gmail, google calendar, workflowy, evernote, android phone (personal), iphone (work), outlook for work. I just can’t figure out how to make it work together efficiently and this isn’t my strong suit anyway. I have read some stuff about using GTD in evernote but it was way too complicated for me. I’m not tied to the GTD philosophy- I’m willing to try almost anything.

    But I am looking for something digital, most likely. I have often bought and filled out paper planners and then stopped uodating then within 2 weeks. I think the problem is that I’m tied to Google calendar so I never keep up with duplicating stuff in a paper planner. I don’t even duplicate my Google calendar to outlook. I need simplicity and minimal redundancy.

    Tips? Also very open to general behavioral tips re how a naturally disorganized person can maintain order.

    1. Use Google Calendar to plan your appointments and set reminders for those kinds of things, but look into the Bullet Journal. It’s not digital, but it is a simple way to organize and prioritize your tasks. It keeps things in front of you and helps you with your productivity. Check out the website (just look it up in a search engine) and watch the intro video. Try it out and see if it works. If it doesnt, no big deal, try something else – but give it a shot. You can definitely still maintain Google Calendar with a bullet journal. The nicest thing about the bullet journal is that you can tailor it to your needs. There is no ‘one size fits all’ and you can use your pages of a notebook for whatever you need at the moment, and just index it to stay organized. Also can use things like tabs and colored stickers to sort pages. Try out the basic style first, based on the intro youtube video, and try it out for a few weeks to see how you like it.

      For outlook, obtain your google calendar .ics link and import the link into your outlook, so whenever you update google calendar, it updates in your outlook. It is helpful to at least see it if you are on outlook on your computer all day. There are tutorials online for how to import your google calendar into outlook

      1. I just started a bullet journal 2 weeks ago and I think I am going to love it.

      2. I will look into this bullet journal, thanks. I tried importing.Google calendar to outlook a while ago and was not successful. Maybe it’s time to talk to IT about it.

  11. I seem to remember seeing a dress that looked exactly like this one in red on a mannequin at Nordstrom about a week ago, but now I can’t find it on their web s i t e. Am I imagining things, or does the dress I am thinking of actually exist?

    1. The more affordable version that Kat posted is available at Nordstrom, in magenta and blue. I just bought the blue version and it is beautiful, really classy and a nice vibrant blue (not quite royal blue, more like a peac**k color).

        1. That is it–thank you! Wasn’t finding it because I was searching for red, not melon. Unfortunately, my size is sold out.

        2. I found this @ the rack a few months ago. It’s crepe-y and holds up well, but the armholes are kind of small.

  12. Piggybacking off of some recent planner-related discussions, does anyone have a recommendation for a (paper-based) health-and-wellness planner? I’m using a pretty notebook right now, which was fine when I was only tracking workouts (I’m training for a marathon atm), but I recently decided to start keeping track of nutrition/sleep/water intake/meditation and doing some light wellness-related journaling, and the “scribble everything down in a notebook system” isn’t working anymore.

    Basically, I’d like to find something where I can plan out my workouts, keep track of my nutrition, and have a little space to track my other goals and to journal a bit. A plain look is fine, and I’m open to whatever size book ends up making the most sense, but bonus points will be awarded for anything smaller than 8 1/2 x 11, and for anything with an especially attractive cover/graphics/etc. Thanks in advance!

    1. The Staples Arc line includes a half-sheet size notebook. You could set up tabs for nutrition, sleep, exercise, journaling, etc., or you could create your own customized daily pages in Word with space for each topic, print them, and punch them.

      1. I had this and I don’t remember it tracking nutrition – just workouts. Did they change it?

        1. Based on the photos of it that I looked at, there’s no dedicated “nutrition tracker” space, but enough open space to write down what I eat each day, which is all I’m looking to do (I’ve gotten wrapped up in the minutiae of nutrition tracking in the past when using more precise apps, and it’s a bad space for me to be in mentally, so I’m mostly just looking to keep a running list of food item/portion size).

    3. I mentioned this a few comments up, but you can make your own spread for health/wellness tracker in your existing notebook, bullet-journal-style. Just search online (pinterest, instagram, etc) for inspiration for others’ trackers that they’ve made in their notebooks. Maybe one might work for you. Some people post templates on their blogs too so something else to consider.

  13. I was on a hiking trip with a friend over the weekend and she had the most delicious-looking cheese, crackers, and salami to eat versus the Clif bars I had packed. I was wondering if anyone has recommendations for a good trail-friendly cheese that won’t go bad without refrigeration and that will still taste good without being chilled at all. I didn’t really talk to my friend about whether what she had packed was safe to eat, but I was secretly wondering and it really did look SO much better than a pre-packaged Clif bar.

        1. Yes! Gruyere is not going to spoil unless you’re in very extreme heat. I know someone so obsessed with a particular one that she travels with it overseas on 12 hour flight. If you’re really worried you can always bring a small insulated bag, but it’s really not necessary.

    2. I think that any hard or semi-hard cheese would work. I send unchilled cheddar in my kids’ lunch boxes and have never chilled cheeses (it gets a bit softer, but that’s a feature and not a bug).

      Mozzarella wouldn’t be a good choice, although even laughing cow might work. If you don’t like cheddar, a hunk of good parmesan would be lovely. I have also brought the cheddar Easy Cheese to eat with Triscuits and was nearly mobbed for it :)

        1. Babybels hold up remarkably well. I think I ate one after 12 hrs of non-refrigeration and it was fine.

    3. An easy hack – Go to a nice grocery store and see which cheeses they have on display at room temperature.

    4. Hard cheeses don’t need to be refrigerated. Midnight Moon is my favorite. Basque is a little softer but should still hold up well.

      You don’t have to refrigerate a lot of salami-type meats until you cut them. Whole Foods always has a big, un-refrigerated display of them. Even after you cut them, they’ll hold up to a day trip.

    5. I don’t understand this concept of “cheese that won’t go bad without refrigeration”. Here we just call that “cheese”.

      1. I never realized how much we refrigerate in the US until going to a grocery store in Australia and finding eggs stored at room temp.

        1. I believe eggs in North America are prepared for sale in such a way that they have to be refrigerated. Something about washing off a protective layer?

          1. Same. At least in the U.S., not sure I’ve heard that about North America in general.

          2. That is correct. I don’t recall if it’s properly a protective layer, but it is a disinfection that we do that other countries don’t use.

        2. I’m amazed at the number of people who recoil from my room-temperature butter dish.

          1. BA I come from a recoil from room temperature butter family…my husband grew up on a farm where that was normal.

            The first time I went to his house they had this tub of butter left out on the table (covered) 24/7 and I was convinced I was going to die.

            (I have since learned I am a coddled snowflake)

          2. The government even says you can keep butter at room temperature in the U.S. I’ll never use cold butter (except for baking) again.

          3. Born and raised in the US (Midwest), and we always had a stick of butter out at room temperature. Cold butter (especially in restaurants) is one of my biggest pet peeves.

          5. I’m always slightly taken aback at butter dishes left out, but I grew up in a tropical climate!

        3. They are stored at room temp in Europe as well. It’s because of how they are treated or not treated (washing process as part of production) before getting to the store. Google can explain it fully but basically, room temp eggs in Europe = safe but room temp eggs in North America = not recommended

          1. That’s good to know. I wasn’t considering switching just because of habit and no obvious place to store them other than the fridge but I was curious.

    6. I always take something like that with me camping/hiking/rock climbing — apples, salami and other cured meats, hard cheeses, and bread all predate refrigeration by many thousands of years and will keep outside of a fridge for days without spoiling as long as it’s not baking-in-the-desert hot or you don’t leave them in the car or something. Much better hiking food than energy bars, in my opinion.

    7. Yup, I’d go with aged chedder. May get a little “sweaty” but its usually fine.

  14. I posted some time ago about not being happy with our real estate agent who is a close family friend & lovely woman but not a very good/experienced agent. We basically fell into working with her b/c she insisted on it and right now we have 3 go-nowhere deals to show for it over about 6 months. Last week, another deal fell apart. This time right when I thought we were about to have an accepted offer. Husband and I are super disappointed and he’s basically fed up with her ‘help’. I’m inclined to agree although I think the problem is basically that she lacks experience and we have a very specific and competitive market – this is a v. recent and second career for her – and its just a bad combination with the fact that we don’t really trust her to do her job as a result so we are always doing the stuff she should be doing like writing offer letters, etc., and then she feels the need to add her two cents to that which comes across confusing and disjointed to say the least. Anyway, husband says this is too important to continue trying to use her and after the last go-round Im inclined to agree – we really need to move asap – so I have to tell her we’re going to part ways. But I feel so bad! Like sleepless nights bad…

    What can I say that would make this less hurtful and difficult? She’s not specifically relying on the commission for rent money or something like that but she doesn’t have a lot of other clients and odds are we were going to be her big or even only sale right now. I know that’s not our responsibility but I do feel badly about it. Help?

    1. You are the buyer, correct? Did you sign a buyer agent agreement with her? Look at that first before you try to fire her.

      Also, you can negotiate directly with the seller’s agent – even if you can’t get out of the buyer agent agreement, don’t trust her to add content or communicate with them – just write the emails yourselves.

      I disagree 100% that “she should be doing” the offer letters. NONE of the real estate agents I have ever come across are competent enough to do that.

      1. What? Our buyer’s agent wrote all of our offers. It never even occurred to me that a buyer would do that themselves. Or are you suggesting that a buyer would hire a lawyer to do that?

        1. Not the offer, the offer letter – so the thing that goes with the offer saying “We really love your home blah blah we are a nice couple and you should really accept our offer”. :)

          Of course if you don’t have a buyer agent, you can write the offer yourself – it is not difficult. The seller agent will always give you a template if you ask.

          1. Ah, ok. We didn’t have to do separate offer letters, since we weren’t in a super hot market. I think a competent agent is probably even more important in a very hot market though, especially for first-time buyers.

          2. We bought in a very competitive market and didn’t do an offer letter. I don’t think people care about that in our market, they just want to see $$, conditions waived, etc. Agree w/Anonymous that an experienced & competent agent is particularly important in that kind of market to know what will make your offer more competitive.

      2. We’re the buyers but never signed anything. Seller is responsible for paying her commission, to be split with their agent.
        Obviously we’d still want to resolve this before looking at anything with someone else or even on our own. It is not common for the buyers to do the negotiating where we are. The commission is coming from the seller so if we were doing it ourselves we’d at least have that advantage of the seller’s broker not having to split commission. Here the problem is we write an offer and then she writes ‘get back to us with a counter’ which obviously undermines any offer. Anyway, definitely agree with you that there are many incompetent agents but in our market to get a deal done you need someone who really knows what they’re doing. She’s very well intentioned but we can’t afford to have her learn on the job anymore as much as I wish it were possible. We’d probably be okay with doing it ourselves because at least there’s then an advantage to the other agent wanting to push for us or we need someone much more experienced that could actually tell us what we should be doing vs. the other way around.

      3. Not all markets use offer letters. I never wrote one for a client in NoVA and they were not at all necessary for offer acceptance.

        If your friend wants to be in this business, she is going to have to learn to handle rejection and getting fired. It happens for any number of reasons. You are unhappy with the service that is being provided and you are well within your rights to terminate the relationship. Do it. Now.

        “Jane, thank you for your help so far, but we have decided to use another broker/agent for our search.”

        Then, get referrals for experienced agents in your area. I was an inexperienced agent and because I was new, I joined a very experienced team and ALWAYS relied on the experienced agents for guidance when I didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing. Yes, I have/had a legal background, so prepping offers and such was even easier than they make it (fill in the blanks mostly), but there were still industry and regional standards I didn’t know about. I would never use an inexperienced agent who wasn’t with a very experienced team and who wasn’t comfortable relying on the more experienced agents for assistance. This is a huge decision for people and the last thing I wanted to do was screw it up for them.

        1. Thanks for this perspective. The problem is that the more experienced people she’s working with aren’t super knowledgable about our very specific market either. So it’s a problem of not knowing some very specific things about the narrow area we want to be in & the agents in it, plus her not being the most comfortable negotiater, etc. Maybe I can frame it as her not having the support that we both need – which is true – to make it a little less personal.

          1. Honestly, you need to rip the bandaid off. Getting fired is never fun and it’s always uncomfortable, but this is a business/service and the service is not what you want. Rip it off!

    2. You have to let her go. Honestly, an accepted offer might just be the beginning of the problems. At least at this stage, her mistakes (lack of progress on a deal) are obvious to you. When you get an accepted offer she may mess up all kinds of behind-the-scenes things that won’t be obvious but can cause huge problems down the road. I really think real estate agents are up there with doctors and lawyers in terms of professions where inexperience can cause huge problems. I would just say “Sue, We really appreciate all your help so far but we’ve decided to go in a different direction for the sale of our home.” I would probably keep it short and sweet, but if she presses you for details you can say you’re disappointed in how long it’s taken and how many deals have fallen apart. Like a romantic breakup, I think it’s best to do it in person if possible. I would also have someone lined up before you let her go, so it will be a seamless transition.

      1. It’s going to be awkward no matter what. However, avoiding this awkwardness is (presumably) costing a lot of money. I think anon1010 gives great advice about meeting in person and being clear with her that the business relationship is over. If you want to fight for the friendship maybe make social plans with her for a few weeks down the road.

    3. This is the largest investment of your life (I’m assuming). There is no place for friends and no place for making decisions based on other people’s feelings. Seriously – it’s a business decision, albeit a highly personal one. It is what it is and you need to protect yourself and your future investment. If you’re in a market like mine, the market isn’t getting any less hot – the more time you waste with her, the more you’re potentially going to pay for a home.

      Short, sweet, move on. Use references to find yourself a good broker going forward… not just someone your friend ‘loved’ – but meet the person, have them prove their experience.

      Also, for expectation setting – I made 9 or 10 offers. Only 2 were accepted (had to walk away from one at inspection). So, not having offers accepted isn’t necessarily her fault… just keep that in mind when you talk to and work with Future Broker.

    4. You should have done this ages ago. “Susan, we are going to use another broker because we aren’t getting the support we need. Bye.”

      1. I’m not sure how saying this would be anything but hurtful. I’m looking for an advice on how to soften the blow, not how to terminate a stranger.

        1. That’s the problem though. You just lost out on a very expensive business deal because of her incompetence? What is wrong with you? You running a charity here?

          Tell her you are using a different broker. If she says why, tell her the truth.

        2. I think what people are trying to tell you is that your primary concern has to be yourself. I understand you want to be nice and not hurt a friend’s feelings, but at this point your desire to not hurt your friend is actively hurting yourself and your husband. Unless you are ok with never buying a new home, you need to $uck it up and tell her that you’re using a different broker. It’s probably going to hurt her feelings no matter how you phrase it, but that’s the price one pays for doing business with friends.

          1. Thanks. I don’t disagree. It was a mistake to mix friendship and business and we’ve learned our lesson. I am not asking whether I should do it – that’s all I meant by my comment: I know we need to find someone else. My question was just on how to make it hurt less/be less awkward, and there were some helpful suggestions above that I will try to incorporate. I think the answer is also that there is no nice way to do it. Thank you though.

        3. It’s going to hurt the friendship in the short term – no question. But I think you can save it in the long term. Tell her explicitly that you want to fight for your friendship, even if your business relationship didn’t work out. Make plans with her. Yes, it will be weird at first but that will dissipate with time.

        4. Try thanking her for her help and then saying that your moving on to someone with (fill in specific experience she doesn’t have) – thank her so much for her help getting you this far and take her out to celebrate or give her a bottle of champagne or something

          1. I was thinking to send her something after. But is champagne a good idea? Is there something more appropriate? She did put a lot of time in with us and since she won’t be collecting a commission she won’t be compensated for it. But it feels weird to just write her a check or something.

          2. Is there something wrong with you? When someone does a bad job, no. You don’t give champagne or a gift or a check.

          3. You kind of already did give her a gift though. You gave her a chance to get some experience, even if it didn’t ultimately work out.

    5. You could also be ….. vague.

      “This past year of failures has been hard….. we’ve decided to take a break, step back, and re-evaluate our plan. We’ll be in touch if we need your help in the future. Thank you.”

    6. Just my anecdata:
      We did this with an inexperienced agent while trying to buy our house. It was a nightmare for two reasons, 1) because the timeliness and technicalities of making an offer needed to be exact we missed out big because she was bumbling and 2) she had no standing in the real estate community when there were multiple similar offers our didn’t get chosen.

      When we sold our house with another (local, well known and respected) agent and were in a multiple offer situation our agent steered us toward a not top $ offer because of the agent and knowing that he could get the deal closed.

  15. I’m headed to New Orleans for 3 1/2 days over Labor Day with my SO and BFF. I’ve never been!

    Suggestions on what to do?

    We’re staying in Bywater, will be mobile, and LOVE to eat and drink. And can tolerate hot weather for activities, within reason.

    2. Check out the National Park Service sites (regular and jazz) for the scheduled walking tours and other events that weekend. They generally are somewhere between free and cheap and we have had a lot of fun doing them.

      We loved going to Preservation Hall for jazz and also to Pat O’Brien’s for the piano bar (super-touristy, but that was half the fun — skip the hurricanes and go directly to something frozen).

      Just wandering up and down Royal Street and going into the shops is a great time. We especially enjoy going to the Rodrigue studio (Blue Dogs!) and I like Fleur de Paris for high-end millinery.

      If you feel ambitious, a day trip to the McIlhenney Tabasco factory is a fun time.

      Fave restos include:

      Cochon/Cochon Butcher
      Emeril’s (reserve ahead and sit at the food bar, so fun!)
      Commander’s Palace (turtle soup, trout, bread pudding or souffle)
      Brennan’s for deluxe breakfast/brunch
      Camellia Grill for breakfast
      and of course, Cafe du Monde for beignets and coffee!

      If I were going there now, I would try to get a rezzie at Nina Compton’s Compere Lapin.

      By chance, are you staying at Maison de Macartay? We loved it there a few years back.

      Have a great time!

      2. +2 for Cochon! We rented a car and did a swamp tour as well as visited the Jean Lafitte National Park (the swamp, not the tour location downtown).

    3. My recommendation for drinks in the French Quarter.

      Latitude 29 – awesome Tiki/rum drinks. Try the Missionary’s Downfall. It’s rum, pineapple and mint. Delicious.

      Sazerac Bar in the Roosevelt Hotel.

      Arnaud’s French 75 – fancy drinks in a fancy bar. It’s a world away from the craziness of Bourbon Street.

      Carousel Bar in the Hotel Monteleone. Try to get there when they open to get a spot at the bar.

      For food, try Killer Po Boys in the back of the Erin Rose bar. Cash only.

    4. My friend and I ended up doing a horse drawn tour of the French quarter and really liked it. They also served drinks to our carriage from some of the bars :)

    7. Love the historic zoo.

      Buy a guidebook and do a self-guided tour of the historic Garden district mansions at sunset. So creepy. One of our best dates ever.

      Get a sno-ball.

      Get your palm or cards read in Jackson Square.

      Favorite restaurants: Cote de Sud is off the beaten path but incredible. Eat NOLA is also great.

    8. Just FYI….Labor Day is Southern Decadence weekend….which is gay pride weekend. I’m a big fan of New Orleans, we go about 4 times a year, but this weekend will have a different vibe than other weekends there, like Mardi Gras or a random weekend. That’s not a bad thing, just a different vibe! My husband and I were there for southern decadence last year and had a fabulous time….it did make the days at the pool fun :)

  16. Threadjack — SO and I are planning to get married. We are not at all religious and SO is staunchly atheist, but we were both raised in religious households and like the idea of the “marriage classes” that the Catholics and Jews we know are required to do. Does anyone have suggestions for a secular version of those? Has anyone gone through something like that?

      2. I’ve also heard good things about Prepare/Enrich. Brooklyn Premarital looks legit if you are in NYC.

        1. We did Prepare/Enrich with the Episcopal priest who married us and both found it quite helpful.

    2. Maybe ask a church like UU or Espisopalian or PCUSA church or a reform synagogue for a non-denominational marriage counselor for pre-marital counseling? B/c we got married where we didn’t live, the rector there just had us go to counseling in the city we live in. This is pretty common — churches are like social workers / referral sources and get these Qs all the time and won’t give you the side-eye.

      Even things like Lutheran social services are there for social services and not prostletizing (man, I cannot spell).

    4. I also really liked this book: For Better: How the Surprising Science of Happy Couples Can Help Your Marriage Succeed by Tara Parker-Pope

    5. I’m catholic, husband is athiest. We went through catholic prep classes and the questions for religion were mostly kept to one section (if I recall correctly), which the priest just skipped over with us. Our program was the FOCCUS pre-marriage inventory. http://www.foccusinc.com/

  17. What’s an ideal length of time to be at a new job before TTC? I really want to prove myself before I start dealing with first trimester exhaustion and position myself well to ask for a flex-time schedule after baby, if that’s something I decide I want, but I’m not sure how long to give myself to do this – six months? A year? Some sort of benchmark like a positive review?
    (If it matters, I’m 31 but don’t feel a lot of pressure to try right now, and although I know it isn’t a guarantee, I have family history on my side: my mom got pregnant her first month of trying at 33 and my MIL had her last kid at 40. I plan to take my full 12-week maternity leave and then come back.)

    1. Maybe long enough to see if you like it there or if you feel like you will be interviewing again soon? It will set your comfort level for what you do next. At least 3 months b/c you won’t get leave in most places until you’ve been there a year; 6 months if there is some sort of review period that will tell you if they like you. There isn’t a right answer.

      I turned down a job when 5 weeks pregnant, in part b/c of the leave issue (it was an unplanned offer, people at my firm left and went elsewhere and I had an offer to go along).

    2. I’d wait at least 9 months so that if you succeed immediately, you’re at least covered by FMLA (need to have worked q the job for 1 year) by the time you’re ready to tell your employer.

      1. Wouldn’t that mean she only needs to have worked @ the job for 3 months (assuming full-term pregnancy).

      2. This is basically what I did — not so much for FMLA purposes, but I felt like a year before “coming out” to my boss meant that I had established myself, had gone through a full year of the performance review cycle, etc. I think it worked out that we got pregnant around the 12 month mark, so I went on leave at about 21 months into my job. For me, I was well established, had my own cases to keep me busy through the end of my pregnancy and upon my return, so it worked out fine.

    3. I’m not sure that there ever is an “ideal length of time.” As someone who has been TTC for a year (and who is undergoing fertility treatments now), I can tell you that even if you plan for a certain amount of time, it may not happen on your time table. Best of luck to you.

    4. I’m in the same boat (except not as sure of my fertility at this age) and I’m planning to wait six months from when I start my new job next week to TTC. Basically, I want to make sure I’m there long enough to be guaranteed FMLA protection before having to go on leave, and starting to TTC at the six month mark leaves me a decent cushion to make sure that definitely happens even if things work out on the very first go-around.

      Also, I was originally thinking of waiting a shorter period of time because of fertility concerns, but when talking it over with a friend, she pointed out that I’d want to make sure I was covered by FMLA even if I delivered early, so waiting six months gives a little more buffer on that front (hard as it is to think about). If I was younger I’d wait a full year, but with my family history I just don’t think I have that kind of time, fertility-wise.

    5. It all depends on your comfort level. I waited 3 months after starting a new job to start trying, and it took six months to get pregnant. I miscarried that pregnancy, and still haven’t been able to get pregnant since I lost the baby. I started a new job a couple of months ago, and didn’t stop trying. In the unlikely event that I get pregnant before I’ve been here for three months, I’ll still qualify for the full leave, but I won’t receive 100% of my pay. To me, it is worth the risk.

      Will it be slightly more inconvenient for my employer if I’m here less than a year before going on leave? Maybe. But a career is long, and I’m confident that I can show my employer the value I bring to the company even while pregnant.

      I would encourage you to consider a couple of things: You may not get pregnant immediately (or at all)…even though your mother had no problem conceiving. Will delaying TTC impact how many childen you want to have? Are you financially ready to have children now?What is your employer’s pregnancy leave policy? Is any of it paid? What are the eligibility criteria? Has anyone else negotiated leave before a full year of employment? (Note:even if you dont qualify for FMLA, your employer should allow you some time off as a reasonable accomodation.) If you have already started, does this job seem like a place you want to stay? Do you have your own office where it might be easier to hide some of the symptoms of pregnancy?

      1. +1 to all this. FWIW, my reproductive endocrinologist told me that my mother’s experience getting pregnant didn’t mean anything in terms of how easily it would be for me to get pregnant — and sure enough, we had very different experiences (though our pregnancies were very similar). Still, at your age, I think you’d be safe to wait 3 months or so to make sure FMLA kicked in.

    6. If you’re not in a rush, wait at least year to start from a proving yourself standpoint. Also makes sense from an FMLA standpoint (assuming it applies to your company) because if you get horrible morning sickness and need to take leave 6 weeks into the pregnancy, you can do that… I know people who have done that. Yes, it means less FMLA waiting for you when baby is born but if you’ve proved yourself by then your employer might be more likely to be accommodating. I think waiting only 3 months is a terrible idea although I do realize there’s no perfect time to have a baby.

      1. +1 I’m in a similar situation and planning to wait one year. I think if I were in more of a hurry to have kids I would still wait at least six months. Babies come early all the time and I’d want to make sure I could still take my full leave even if the baby was a couple of months early.

    7. FMLA is not paid leave, so if your company (or your state) does not provide paid leave, then looking into a STD policy would be ideal. When I looked into STD policies, I was told that you had to have the policy in place for 10 months before it covered pregnancy leave, so that may be a consideration for you.

      FWIW, I had my kids before I was a year into my (two different) new jobs but in both cases, it took over about a year to conceive so I was not going to wait for perfect timing. Did not regret at all since I definitely “paid back” both employers with my hard work before and after my leave.

  18. There was a thread on #1 beauty products a while back that left me with a burning question:

    Push-up bras: Yea, Nay, or in between? Please expound!

    1. Also: Promise I’m not a troll. Just clueless and curious since it was mentioned as a #1, and several people agreed.

    2. I wear one every day, to the point where I recently swore a swimsuit and was thinking — what happened to my b**bs? :) I wear one because I’m a pear shape and I like more balanced/evened out when wearing one.

      2. Thank you for answering! How did you find one you liked (that didn’t give the weird line mentioned below)? Any good brands/ stores?

          2. I think it’s maybe because I’m a D/DD and if it doesn’t fit exactly right, there’s a lot of tissue to get pressed unevenly against the edge.

        2. Every day. No line. I got fitted by someone at Nordies and now I just try everything on.

        3. VS, although I know that others hate that store. Don’t rely on them for a fitting though, go somewhere else. Figure out your proper size and then just go to VS and try a bunch of push up bras on. They have tons of varieties — lightly padded to super padded.

    3. Yea. I have minimal boobs and sometimes can’t avoid going-out or formal clothing that requires a bra. (I do try, though…figure gravity won’t be this kind to me forever so I want to enjoy it while I can.) Day-to-day is just a minimally-padded underwire, though. I save the push-up bra for special occasions.

    4. Nay. Don’t find them comfortable and like my size (C cup) without any enhancement.

    5. No, they leave a weird line that you can see underneath my clothing no matter what size I try and my lifestyle doesn’t involve many (or any) cleavage-baring outfits.

    6. Push-up totally depends on your size. I am a DD/DDD and I look absolutely ridiculous in a push-up. I do like the Enticing Lift by Soma because it lifts but isn’t heavily padded or a push-up. They run really big, though.

      1. In the same boat, size wise. I like push-up bras with limited padding because I feel like they give really good support.

        1. I also like the support they give. I get my push-ups fitted at a local lingerie/hosiery store where I also buy my hose.

    7. Nay.

      I’m a small A, I think padding is uncomfortable, and I believe in truth in advertising :)

      I also don’t wear anything cleavage bearing (personal preference), but that’s b/c I don’t like showing that much skin. I don’t think having larger b**bs (whether real or bra-enhanced-illusions) would change that.

      1. I love a little padding because I find it so much more comfortable. I have DDs and people always end up brushing against them (men/women… Crowded places… Not a creepy brushing up) and it gives a little more protection to an inadvertent bump.

    8. Okay, another clueless question: Two nays mentioned not needing a push-up bra because of a choice to not bare cleavage, but most of the ayes were talking about using push-ups to balance a pear silhouette (something I know about). Does anyone wear push-ups for cleavage?

      1. I feel like most of life is spent trying to avoid having cleavage so I don’t look inappropriate at work!

      2. Well sure, but at work you can’t see my cleavage even though it’s under there because I don’t wear shirts/tops/dresses that would show it. I honestly don’t think I own a bra that isn’t a push up bra. I am small of bosom.

    9. Nah. I’m also super pear shaped but I find any type of underwire ridiculously uncomfortable and no amount of padding is going help me fill out a dress that fits my bottom half (I don’t think they make bras that turn you from an A to a D). I mostly wear bralettes for nipples coverage but I don’t need any actual support.

  19. Reposting because stuck in moderation…

    I need organization help (inspired by the planner discussion last week). I am not an organized person by nature. I am looking for some kind of overall organization system for my life that will be easy for me to stick with. I have read Getting Things Done and like the idea, but I struggle with how to implement it in the modern world where most stuff is digital. I have the following: gmail, g–gle calendar, workflowy, evernote, android phone (personal), iphone (work), outlook for work. I just can’t figure out how to make it work together efficiently and this isn’t my strong suit anyway. I have read some stuff about using GTD in evernote but it was way too complicated for me. I’m not tied to the GTD philosophy- I’m willing to try almost anything.

    But I am looking for something digital, most likely. I have often bought and filled out paper planners and then stopped uodating then within 2 weeks. I think the problem is that I’m tied to G–gle calendar so I never keep up with duplicating stuff in a paper planner. I don’t even duplicate my G–le calendar to outlook. I need simplicity and minimal redundancy.

    Tips? Also very open to general behavioral tips re how a naturally disorganized person can maintain order.

    1. Since you are already tied to Google, have you tried using Google Keep for notes? I keep a running notes of various lists (both work and personal), such as things to get from X store, checklists for status meetings, things I need for easy reference (like CMYK colors I used frequently).

  20. Lived in NYC for 10 yrs — didn’t love it; too crowded, hectic, dirty, $2400 for a studio apt in midtown etc. But loved my job and got used to it and loved my walking commute. In the last yr — I’ve moved to DC for a job. I decided to live in Arlington bc I’m not super comfortable with DC — don’t feel comfortable being out and about late at night even in NW given that it gets sooo quiet on residential blocks and the crime rate isn’t insignificant. So now I’m in Arlington — luxury apartment, more for the money etc. but a metro commute (which isn’t bad by all standards but not what I’m used to). Finding myself not super happy here either. Is it just me?? Am I just not meant for big east coast city life? I can’t just pick up and move to say Minneapolis or something in search of an “easier” life as my family is in Pa. and that’s important to me. And yet I think — it’s going to be 30 yrs of this kind of living?! How do I figure out what’ll make me happy? Or do I continue to do as I’ve done in the last 11 yrs since I graduated — tell myself, this is what being an adult is . . . .

    1. When you have vague unresolved unhappiness despite dramatic life changes to help it, that’s when you talk to a therapist.

    2. What exactly are you unhappy with? You could move to a suburb and still commute by metro, if you want to live somewhere that is more quiet.

      1. You might also consider the things that you liked in NY (anything besides the walking commute?) and if there are any things you like in DC. That will help you figure out what you value – maybe you can move somewhere, even within DC, that will improve your quality of life.

    3. There’s a lot going on in your post. I agree with Anonymous above that when there’s a general feeling of “not right,” it’s helpful to talk it over with someone impartial.

      If you have an itch to pack up and move to the Midwest, I’ll warn you – you’re still going to have to commute, probably by car. Though with a lower cost of living, you could get a close-in apartment to cut that down.

      What do you like to do? If you’re feeling unfulfilled and drained by the commute/work/commute/home slog, finding something fun/meaningful outside of work can help.

    4. OP here — I have no idea what I want at this point. As much as I didn’t love NYC, part of me is thinking — do I move back there? But obviously that opens up the same type of living that I had before, but now that I’ve moved away I realize how much I liked walking around the city (though when I lived there, I complained about how much time I spent on foot).

      I know I dislike transitions but it’s been over a yr now. And it’s a slog of commute/work/home.

      1. OP again — also it isn’t about moving to the Midwest per se. I’ve hardly ever spent time in the Midwest. It’s just about feeling like — is there someplace out there that is for me? Someplace where I can still get top notch experience in my field like I did in NYC (finance) but with a combo of an easy city life and suburbia?! I’m single so as much as I say I want the suburbs, I feel like the odd man out surrounded by families/kids. But just bc I’m not married and may not ever be doesn’t mean I want to spend the rest of my life living in the equivalent of a grad school dorm like I was in NYC.

        1. I am a big believer in things are what you make of them. I don’t think talking to a therapist is a bad idea, but are you actively engaging in things in your community? I live in a town that some people think is awful, but I love it. The reasons I love it may not be the reasons that someone else does, and there may be things that bother me more than other people, but I have a qualify of life that I enjoy and I have friends who I love.

          I would recommend trying to get involved in activities outside of work to meet people and to really explore what the region has to offer. I grew up in NoVA and while I never ever want to live there again (cost of living, traffic, etc.), there are so many things to do in the DMV and so many people who share common interests, no matter what they are!

          1. I concur with this. Also, I’m in Arlington too if you need a friend!

            Getting involved in the community helps, even if it’s not anything like volunteering in a traditional sense. For me, that means finding a local gym or yoga or spin studio – a place to interact with people who aren’t my colleagues. For a while, I had a plot at a community garden, and while I quickly learned that I am a terrible gardener, it was nice to get outside and dig in some dirt. Maybe there’s a program your local library that you might like, or a book club to join? Have you tried out the Capital Bikeshare (if you don’t own a bike)? I live close enough to my office, and there’s a locker room at work, so I can bike to work in about 35 minutes (the Mount Vernon Trail is really nice). On nice days, it’s great to skip the metro and get my commute and workout in at the same time. I also met a lot of people playing “social sports”, which you’ve surely heard of. I’m on the older end for some of them, but I’m in a recreational softball league now and there’s a HUGE age range of players.

        2. It sounds like you’re looking for a unicorn, and I mean that as kindly as possible. The thing is – no matter where you live, no matter how wonderful, there are going to be drawbacks. I moved from DC to the Midwest, where I grew up. There are lots of things I love, but there’s negatives too – no public transit, not really any topographical interest (thanks glaciers), not a super happening place. I guess I don’t expect any one place to be absolutely perfect, and I try to minimize or accept the “slog” aspects of where I live.

          Admittedly I know jack about finance jobs, but it sounds like you’re going to have to be in a larger city if you want to stay in a high-powered, upwardly-mobile position.

        3. That maybe sounds like the people more than the place and like you maybe don’t have a satisfying social life, which can be a problem pretty much everywhere. Maybe you can also look into moving closer to family if you really don’t feel DC, to Philly/Pittsburgh? Both are way more affordable and you definitely won’t be confined to a studio. Or move back to NY and live somewhere that is not midtown?

        4. It’s sounding like part of the problem is that the things you want are at odds with each other… I mean, a walking lifestyle, freedom to walk around safely at night, and a big finance career pretty much all say “big city with centrally located apartment,” but then you’re saying you want suburbia, which, generally, offers none of those things. I’m trying to figure out what to recommend, but I’m genuinely confused about what you’re looking for. I think you need to get a lot more clear about what you want your life to look like day-to-day – where do you work? how do you get there? where do you live? what type of housing? who are your neighbors? what do you do when you’re not at work? who do you spend time with? where do you spend your time? etc. Once you’ve done that, you can then invest the time in figuring out whether the life you want is something you can make work where you are, or if there’s a better location somewhere else that would be more likely to afford you the lifestyle you’re looking for. (And +1 to therapy if you’re having a hard time figuring this out – having a neutral party to mull things over with can be so helpful when facing major life stuff.)

          FWIW, I have a few friends who are single in their 30s with serious careers (law firm jr. partner/in-house counsel/magazine editor) who are all really happy in Chicago right now – the winter is a nightmare, but overall they all seem to find it to be a good mix of urban energy/walkability and a more grown-up vibe. Anecdotally, my friends in the DC-area seem to be finding that the singles scene trends younger, with folks in their 30s being more likely to be in the partnered/buying houses/having kids phase of life, so that may be why your current location is feeling like a mismatch.

        5. Chicago? Lots of finance there and I personally find it a much cleaner, friendlier, more manageable city than NYC, though obviously that’s fairly subjective. I’m a big fan of moving around and trying different places until you find a great fit, especially if you’re not in a field like law with huge barriers to moving.

          1. Or what about Boston? We have lots of family there and it always seemed like a more manageable NY to me and it’s close to PA so you wouldn’t need to fly to see your family.

          2. Ditto – I’d suggest Chicago or Boston. Both ‘nicer’ cities, though I think Chicago is a bit more ‘grown-up’ in its vibe (Boston can be a bit collegiate for my taste). The COL is also much lower than NY or DC, Chicago especially – I’m always shocked at how cheap rents are there compared to NYC.

          3. Yeah, Chicago is a great place to live, especially after NYC! (Ask me about the lovely apartment I lived in — walking distance to a beach, and to brunches, and to the train — for $900/month, heat included!) It’s definitely slower than NYC, and things close earlier/more often, and some people can be weirdly small-minded (though those people are probably everywhere). BUT it’s a great great city!

            That being said, about a year after I moved there, I was like “huh, maybe we should’ve stayed in NYC.” I missed my friends and my social life and hobbies there. But then I made friends and rebuilt a social life and got back into hobbies. It just takes a lot of time. I wonder if you need to give yourself more time.

    5. Personally, I think of DC and NYC as not all that different. Most of my friends who leave NYC seeking a “better life” go somewhere that is more drastically different. Both cities have ridiculously expensive urban cores, long commutes, lots of keeping up with the Joneses. I don’t agree with everyone that the problem is you, or you need to consult a therapist. DC is full of young singles in their 20s and dual-career couples who can afford their 2-million-dollar 2-bedroom townhouses in the “suburbs.”

      Consider other cities on the east coast– Atlanta, Boston, and the NC research triangle all have very sophisticated downtown cores but “real” suburbs. And a more diverse social scene.

    6. If you decide a change of scenery will help, try Philly! There are some beautiful neighborhoods where you could get a walking commute, and they’ll be cheaper than anything in NYC or DC. It’s got a “smaller” feel than NYC or DC but still plenty of arts/nightlife/great restaurants, etc. Plus it sounds like it’s close to your family.

      1. Philly and the suburbs around do have a bunch of nice little towns right on the train lines that combine aspects of the suburbs with walkable tiny downtowns. I’m thinking of Mount Airy and Chestnut Hill, and the main line. Even center city is less dense and more affordable than NY, and it’s not impossible to have a car.

  21. Someone recently posted about using and loving a heated hair brush. Which one do you have and what hair type do you have? Do you wash and blow dry your hair and then just brush with this brush? Can you only use it on completely dry hair? I’m thinking about it to streamline my morning routine, but my hair is naturally somewhere between wavy and curly and a fuzzy texture, so I’m not sure it will work for me.

    1. I LOVE mine.

      I always sleep with wet hair, (bad habit) so when I wake up and my hair resembles a briar patch, the brush does a great job of smoothing and straightening. And I like that it doesn’t look as stiff or fake as when I use an iron; it just looks like I have naturally straight hair.

      That said, my hair is thin and wavy–if you have real curls, you’ll probably need to blow dry first, then use the brush, to get your hair straight.

      You can’t use it on wet hair; it will scorch

      1. I have this one; I wasn’t sure about how it would work, so I didn’t want to spend a ton. At $20 and free shipping, this seemed like a good compromise to test it out. I LOVE it. It heats up very quickly and is super easy to use. I can straighten my hair and have it done in less than 5 minutes (dividing my hair into sections and ironing each piece usually takes me about 20-30 minutes, so that’s a huge help!): http://amzn.to/2b9FwlO

        1. It went to moderation, boo! It should pop up soon.

          But it’s from Amazon–the MacgicFly straightening brush

          1. Stuck in mod I’m thinking. argh! I want to know which one you got. Is it the rounded pink or white one or the one that’s more rectangular and looks purple? I was just looking at these at Target recently.

      3. I sleep with wet hair too and it’s a mess when I wake up, but if I want to wear it straight, a flat iron takes a long time and makes it flat. Sounds like I might need a heated brush! Thanks KT!

    2. I don’t have one but the reason I don’t is they can only be used on dry hair so I didn’t think it would save any time vs a flat iron

      1. MUCH faster than a flat iron, and it gives it more volume (I know I sound like a spokesperson…I was just really skeptical and didn’t think it would do anything, but I love it. Since I bought it, I haven’t used my Chi at all, and my brush was $20).

    3. I have short hair. Really short by most people’s standards (long-ish pixie, about 5″ at the longest part). My hair is also fine and frizzy. I usually blow dry because otherwise it lays horribly and then flat iron because it frizzes less quickly that way. Is there any sort of heated brush that would work for me?

      1. Hmmm I dont think the brush would work, because the bristles need to fully the access hair to get it straight; your hair being so short means it wouldn’t get enough tension to work.

        Have you ever tried a heat press comb? It gets much closer to the scalp. My male friend uses it to comb his mohawk straight :) Like this one: http://amzn.to/2aXSFeq

  22. Is it a bad sign if you know your boss hasn’t been called for a reference from a potential new job yet? If they wanted to hire me they would have called my boss, right? My second interview was on Thursday and now it’s Tuesday..maybe that’s not enough time. Ugh, I hate this. I HATE job searching!

    1. I occasionally help with hiring for my department – Thursday-Tuesday really isn’t enough time. Maybe the reference-checker took a long weekend, maybe they want to interview a few more people before starting reference checks … it sucks but there’s just so many things you can’t know about their process.

    2. Deep breaths. It’s only Tuesday–in the interview world, that’s nothing!

      Also, did you specifically put your boss as a reference? Most companies won’t call your current employer unless you specifically give permission.

      Give it time. The last time I interviewed, it was three weeks after my interview before I heard back; I had completely given up and moved on, but they called weeks later to hire me.

      Check out Ask a Manager on this–the best thing you can do is put it out of your mind, keep applying, keep job searching, and if it works out, it will be a delightful surprise

      1. Yes, my contract is ending (no possibility of renewal) so my boss is aware and supportive of my job search.

        I’ve been reading AAM like crazy these past few months of job searching and it really is a wonderful resource. I know I need to stop obsessing but the clock is ticking and soon I’ll be jobless.

    3. I don’t think my current employer ever called my references. Even after making a big stink about needing current references from my then-employer. So, not a bad sign at all!

      1. That’s happened to me too, come to think of it, at my current job in fact! I will try to keep that in mind. Thanks.

  23. My boss just gave me review comments on my work that were clearly wrong because she’s got a terrible cold and didn’t sleep at all last night. Normally she’s on point. She came into my office to go through the information with me and is coughing and sneezing everywhere. So annoying. Go home, seriously! I have a baby that is immunocompromised…if I get sick then he gets sick and he could get REALLY sick. Rant over.

    1. +1. My boss comes in sick ALL.THE.TIME. She gave me the flu! I’d never had the flu, and I’m generally healthy. If you are sick, go home!

      And sorry about your negative review. Take it with a grain of salt, or EMERGEN-C, or vitamins!

      1. Sounds great in theory, but in actuality, it’s not always practical – maybe somebody is saving their sick leave for a surgery, or they’re in government and will need to use it as STD for mat leave, or they’re just totally out of it, or, like at my old job, you only get 15 days of PTO a year combined so unless I’m actually dead I’ll be there…

        Benefit of the doubt. It’s a sucky reflection of the state of sick leave/vacation in our country, but I 100% understand why people do it.

  24. I need some pronto recommendations for an attorney in NYC who does collections or general civil litigation. I represent a small business owner in VA who has been sued in NYC and I’m familiar with the facts and this seems to be an easy win – but we need counsel in NYC who can file/appear. Amount in controversy is less than $20K.

    Can anyone help with a recommendation?

  25. Oh boy. I just overheard male coworker saying that women want to be more like men and that’s why they’re having more sex.

    Time to put on the headphones.

    1. AND he just added “I feel like if a woman has more sex, she doesn’t respect herself.”

      I almost lost it.

      2. Clearly, while you both work in the same office, you live in different centuries.

    2. OK, OK, leaving aside the rage that comment induces, and the fact that a vein in my forehead may or may not be twitching …

      How does that even come up?????

      1. He was talking to another coworker about the Olympics and all the s$x that’s apparently happening there, and the conversation sort of devolved from there.

        1. It’s true, elite female athletes are well-known for their lack of self-respect.

          Can someone help me find my eyeballs? They rolled out of my head.

    3. Clearly women never want to for their own enjoyment. Everyone knows women only do it for men.

      2. Maybe this guy has never witnessed a woman enjoying herself firsthand, so it must not be possible at all!

    4. So this dude basically just announced that women who sleep with him don’t respect themselves and don’t enjoy it.

      You’re nicer than I am. I probably would have told him to stop being such a loser jerk and maybe he would attract a better class of woman.

  26. More ghosting! I volunteer with an organization on an event committee, and some other committee members said “John” (a fellow committee member) was interested in me. We did in fact go on 4 dates and slept together 3 times. Now, he’s ghosted personally but continues to respond to our committee group texts/emails.

    By ghosting, I mean I last saw him and he said “let’s hang out next week, I have free time on (days)” and then I didn’t hear from him. I texted him to see what’s up and make plans, he responded with a vague “hope you’re well, talk soon”, and that was it. No personal calls or texts for the last week.

    I’ve texted with him one on one about committee stuff, and it was like nothing had happened between us. It was strictly professional. He also mentioned he’s out of state camping with limited cell access.

    I need to see “John” at a committee meeting in a few weeks. I can keep it professional, but WTH? I do want to confront him about what happened. I don’t get it, at all.

    I read yesterday’s “John ghosting” comments. It could be he met someone else, but we do need to keep working together, and he was interested in me and asked me out to start.

    Is confronting him a bad idea? Should I just let it go? I do envision remaining on this committee at least for another 6 months. We’re working on an upcoming event in which I’m invested.

    1. What do you hope to achieve by confronting him? He’s given you his answer – he’s not interested. He may have been interested in sleeping with you, but he’s not interested in dating you. I don’t think confronting him is going to be beneficial in any way, especially as you have to keep working with him.

      I’ve never found a confrontation like this, either my own or my friend’s, to give the end result the confronter is hoping for.

    2. Let it go, LET IT GO!

      He’s not interested. Do not wonder about why he isn’t interested because it doesn’t matter. He’s not interested. Move on.

    3. I don’t see what confronting will get you.

      Really think about what you want the outcome to be; do you expect him to grovel? apologize? Is any of that realistic (nope). All confronting will do is illicit a very awkward “it’s not you, it’s me” conversation, and make things even more awkward.

      He’s showing you how he wants to handle things. He’s not interested, but he’s able to be professional and maintain professionalism in the work he does with the committee.

      1. Occasionally the “it’s not you, it’s me” conversations can be helpful (because I just choose to believe that it is, in fact, them, and since they said I’m super-duper awesome but they’re just OMGSOBUSY it is obviously true that I am super-duper awesome, and I will take my awesomeness elsewhere).

        I agree that you shouldn’t “confront,” but if you have something you think needs to be said, I’d vote for being direct but polite and cordial. Who cares how he wants to handle things? You do you.

    4. Girl. You need to let it go and move on. He’s not interested. He’s demonstrated that clearly. You’re starting to get weird about the whole thing. Let it go.

    5. For lack of better phrasing, he’s being a weenie. I would ignore it (save for maybe a raised eyebrow) and be very professional towards him going forward. He’s going to feel uncomfortable/awkward seeing you since he knows you know that he was too immature to actually have a grown-up conversation, so feel a little smug/condescending about it and keep pressing on with your life.

    6. Obviously you can’t confront him! Are you twelve?!? He hasn’t done anything wrong. He is in the woods with limited service. Leave him alone. If you’re not adult enough to handle seeing someone you went out with a few times in a professional context don’t date them.

      1. OUCH! Must you be so brash with your comment?

        I’d LOVE to see a highlight reel of your life/experiences. You must be a perfect individual. Less judgement please.

        Seriously, some of you ladies need to take the edge off. The hurtful and abrasive comments on here have made this site seriously go down a couple notches in enjoyment for many of us.
        Smh.

          2. I don’t know… sometimes tough love works for some people.

            AND there is some truth in those words

    7. anecdata: sometimes John ghosts, and it really sucks, because John was cool. you enjoyed gardening with John. and unfortunately, you’ve got a group of friends in common with John. you find out the hard way that getting drunk at event and yelling at John later in the bar doesn’t help the situation, because John just isn’t that into you. now your friends occasionally wonder outloud if they should invite John to join your group when out and about town – and then they bring up the situation, and everyone has a laugh. you’ve moved on and are ok with John now, but you’re entitiled to roll your eyes when no one is looking. silly John, he doesn’t realize what he’s missing.

  27. Thoughts on the Gabby Douglas controvers(ies)? I don’t know enough about the proper way to stand during the anthem to comment on that (I put my hand on my heart personally but wouldn’t claim that’s the only appropriate way to behave, since I don’t know) but I was disappointed to see her not looking very enthusiastic at the all-around final. I get that she was disappointed about not being it in herself – and I sympathize with that and think the two-per-country rule is really stupid – but as someone who did gymnastics growing up, there was so much emphasis on good sportsmanship and not being a sore loser (or a sore winner), and I’ll admit it bothered me that she looked so unenthusiastic for Simone and Aly.

    1. We should leave the poor woman alone. It’s not like she was standing there booing, or doing anything notably inappropriate. The people who are concerned about whether or not she seemed enthusiastic enough seem like the kind of people that tell random women on the street to smile.

      2. Exactly! Why is a woman expected to constantly smile while sitting in the stands? That could’ve just been her relaxed face.

        1. Well, no. They showed the entire US team on TV right after something good happened in the individual all-around (I think it was maybe when Aly Raisman secured the silver medal). The other two were standing up, cheering and clapping while Gabby was sitting down, phone in hand, looking bored. This isn’t just a case of being caught at a moment when nothing was happening and having a neutral resting face that looks unenthused.

          3. Who cares if a teenager sneaks a peak at her phone? Maybe she was texting someone about it. Maybe she was emotional and was trying to distract herself. Who knows? Why does it matter?

    2. Well, she didn’t call anyone a coward (or other names), she’s disappointed, and like 19. So maybe she hasn’t quite learned to cover it up all the way. I don’t get why this is so upsetting to people.

    3. My heart breaks for her. She’s 20 and is being attacked on so many fronts. I think she was a supportive teammate. I don’t care that she didn’t have her hand on her heart for the national anthem, which is not “required” like it is for the pledge of allegiance. She said she was standing at attention, which is what she was taught from her military family. And I think she was supportive of Aly and Simone while dealing with serious personal disappointment, knowing that this is probably her last Olympics and it hasn’t gone anything remotely like what she wanted – I don’t think it is necessary for her to be jumping up and down when cheering for them (and I don’t get the sense from her that that is her style).

      I was such an idiot at 20 that I cannot even really fathom the work, dedication, and personal sacrifice it takes to get to her level, and I’m not sure that I would have handled it as gracefully as she did.

    4. This is random, but as a kid I was actually taught that you do NOT put your hand on your heart for the anthem, and that the hand-on-the-heart thing is only for the Pledge of Allegiance. I do not, for the life of me, remember the why of it.

      1. Love Michelle Carter, who won the shot put, and I noticed she also didn’t put her hand on her heart during the anthem, same for others, but only Gabby is being attacked. I think people are being horrible to her. She is serious and hard-working – why must she also constantly have to appear smiling and happy? The men don’t have to smile all the time and be pretty and make everything look effortless. I see nothing that indicates Gabby is a bad sport or unpatriotic; it must be those people who tell you to “smile” on the street who are attacking her on the internet.

      2. I imagine it’s because for the Pledge of Allegiance you’re making a vow, and you’re either listening to or singing the National Anthem.

    5. Couch potato here, but when I am in the Olympics, I am guessing that people will give me more side-eye than I have gotten in my lifetime for pregnancy, maternity leave, nursing, pumping, potty-training, and restaurant-eating-children combined.

      Can the interwebs find no one else to pick on this week? Is Donald Trump not Trumping? Are co-workers in cubeland not picking their noses / clipping their toenails / expectorating loudly?

      “Not looking very enthusiastic” = maybe she was too busy achieving something of substance for most of her young life to take the needed pageant coaching the must have miss

    6. Honestly? Granted, I’m not American, but I think the whole hand-on-heart thing is uber ridiculous. She was being perfectly respectful. I don’t see Michael Phelps getting slammed for laughing during the anthem. I wonder what the difference is? /sarcasm

      Also, can we please not pit girls against each other? I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for her and I’m sure she was doing her best. I would have been a bawling mess in her place. Bad enough she gets slammed for absurd things like her hair without this being piled on too.

    7. Eye roll. Tell me more about how perfect black women need to be to be acceptable to you. She showed up, clapped, cheered, and congratulated her competitors when she was really sad to not be competing herself.

      She’s loved by the girls on the time. She doesn’t owe you a performance. God forbid she use a phone.

      Consider that you’re just maybe racist and sexist and wrong.

      1. How is this racist? I would say the same thing if it were a white teammate (male or female) behaving the same way. Critiquing how she styles her hair is racist. Not EVERY criticism of a black woman is racist (or sexist).

        1. Would you though? You didn’t. You saw a black women not being sufficiently enthused and decided it was a problem. Tell me more about that paragon of positive cheerleading for her teammates Alyia Mustafina. Explain your critique of her. Except, oh wait, there isn’t one. She’s just know as a fierce competitor.

          1. Good call re: Mustafina – I am pretty sure the only time she smiled the entire time she was on the floor was when smiling is compulsory, and after her bars routine in the all-around final (which, btw, was spectacular). At no point did the announcers or the internet feel the need to point out that she was being “unsportsmanlike” or “unsupportive of her teammates.”

          2. I completely agree that Mustafina was similarly unenthusiastic and I would never describe her behavior as justified because she’s a “fierce competitor.” They’re all fierce competitors, and I have no idea why you think people apply that term in a positive way to Mustafina but not Douglas. Fwiw, I heard a lot of people commenting about Mustafina’s attitude too and I agree with that characterization. But I’m American so I care more about how American athletes behave and have higher expectations for them. I have no idea what sort of training in sportsmanship and public image the Russian athletes get, but I know American athletes get a lot and I know I would have been yelled at by my coaches if I’d acted like that while my teammates were competing, especially on a stage as high-profile as the Olympics.

            This is why people think there’s too much political correctness. There’s lot of racism in the world, but you can criticize a black person without it being racism.

          3. “This is why people think there’s too much political correctness.” <— No, actually, "people" (by which, of course, you mean straight, able-bodied, white people) think there's too much political correctness because for probably the first time in history we actually have to think a little about what we say and why we're saying it and whether we should maybe say it differently or not at all, and gosh darn, it's HARD to confront our (conscious and unconscious) biases on the daily.

          4. KKH, there was lots of negative stuff on the internet about Mustafina’s attitude: https://twitter.com/yoEv/status/763828588915355649
            The commentators on the livestream also said something about her appearing “icy” towards her teammate (and they didn’t say anything about Gabby Douglas’ attitude, that I can recall anyway). Mustafina is obviously not being discussed as much in America media, but she’s also not an American athlete.

          5. I love me some Russian gymnasts. “We are not here to smile for your entertainment. We are here to Get . It . Done”.

        2. Hey remember when Ryan Lochte and Michael Phelps raced together last week? Ryan Lochte didn’t medal, was disappointed, and walked away looking disappointed even though Phelps had just won gold (4th in a row, making even more history). Male and white. People aren’t attacking him the same way for not running to the pool to hug Phelps.

          1. No guys though it’s totally different because she gets it because she totes competed in gymnastics in middle school.

          2. @12:43 No, it’s different because I didn’t watch any sport at the Olympics except women’s gymnastics. So sure, maybe Phelps behaved badly too, but that isn’t my frame of reference. Thanks for the crack about my past though!

          4. Well, most people get defensive when they’re accused of being racist and sexist. I didn’t say that racism and sexism aren’t an element of the public-at-large’s reaction to this, and certainly if white, male swimmers did the same thing and didn’t get called out on it, that’s a double standard. But my frame of reference is only women’s gymnastics (and yes, my history with the sport) and I don’t think criticizing a black, female gymnast’s behavior automatically makes me racist and sexist.

          5. Girl. When people tell you that you’re racist. Listen. You might learn something.

        3. No, not every single criticism of a black woman is racist. But when you’re a black woman and you routinely get criticized for things that other people also do but no one seems to notice or care about that, you really start to wonder why.

          It is racist to criticize some people for doing something but be totally fine with it when it’s someone else (a white person, a man, etc). Do we know for sure that your criticism was racially motivated? No, we’re not in your head. But consider what I wrote in the above paragraph.

      2. Speaking of… did you know Simone Biles is adopted? By adoptive parents? Who are her grandparents? Because adopted. ADOPTED. DID I MENTION SHE’S ADOPTED AND HER PARENTS ARE NOT HER PARENTS?

        I cannot even with the gymnastics commentators this Olympics.

    8. Also, I don’t think this is fair at all – no one’s b!tching at Michael Phelps for “looking unenthusiastic” during other swimmers’ races, and he has the most pronounced case of RBF I have ever seen on anyone ever. I can’t imagine any athlete in Gabby’s shoes showing “enough” enthusiasm (whatever the heck “enough” even is) while being compelled to not only watch the event they were (unfairly) eliminated from, but to have cameras trained on them the entire time catching their every facial tic.

      But hey, we like our young women cheerful and smiling, so let’s make sure we police them until they’re unable to display any normal emotions or reactions whatsoever! I’m sorry, but the whole thing is disgusting and gendered.

    9. Eh, Gabby’s a 20-year-old who has spent the last 12-16 years of her life engaged full-time in pursuing this impossible dream and she was disappointed. I don’t think that makes her a bad sport. I think it makes her emotionally honest. She doesn’t owe it to me to cheer on the sidelines (and I suspect that she is very supportive of her teammates, even if her face doesn’t reflect it at all times). We all have bad days and get the opportunity to be frustrated in private. She doesn’t get that luxury, instead she has to go through that emotional processing with a camera 5 feet in front of her face.
      As far as the national anthem goes, I firmly believe we shouldn’t mandate the way people express patriotism and I would extend that to allowing people to sit, stand, hand over their heart, hands behind their back, whatever. I think she was respectful of the moment and why the internet (at-large, not OP specifically) feels like they can demand anything more of her is beyond me.

      1. I think part of it is the fact that people feel she and her family have invited scrutiny what with the reality show and all. There are also rumors that she has handled some of her gym switches poorly. Add to that some questions about why she was put up in AA instead of Laurie Hernandez, who performed better at P&Gs and Trials.

        I was at a Q&A she did for a group of young girls after the last Olympics and was not impressed with how she handled herself. She was condescending and dismissive of some of the girls’ questions, and didn’t seem like she wanted to be there. It could have been either a bad attitude or shyness. Douglas can’t do much about the scrutiny at the Olympics, but she could certainly opt to avoid the spotlight at other times.

        1. You suck. You really really suck. You know who is responsible for Laurie Hernandez not getting to compete the AA? Marta Karolyi. Not Gabby Douglas.

          Be an adult.

        3. I actually think the decision to put Gabby up in the all-around over Laurie was favoritism of Aly Raisman more than anyone (and I say that as a HUGE Aly fan who cried when she won silver). Marta reallllly wanted Aly to get that AA medal and, based on the trials and other recent meets, Laurie had a better chance of knocking Aly out of that second spot than Gabby did. I believe if three gymnasts from the same country could advance, Marta would have put up Simone, Aly and Laurie.

          1. But of course I must be anti-Semitic for saying this, because Aly Raisman is Jewish. LOL.

          3. I figured the Aly favoritism was because she is the oldest and this is clearly her last olympics. Like a team captain thing.

    11. Remember the “McKayla Maroney is not impressed” meme that came out of the last summer Olympics? Sure, she took some criticism, but she was basically celebrated for her “not impressed” face. Compare that to the narrative around Gabby Douglas. I don’t see how that can be explained by anything but racism.

      2. I’m not sure I’d characterize the meme as “celebrating” Maroney. I thought it was mean-spirited and sexist. Especially when I saw the meme surface again this year. Gabby is getting it this year because sexist DOOSHES can’t accept that these women are just awesome, they have to find something to criticize.

        1. It parodied/celebrated her and she appeared on the Today show and with the President doing it because of the meme.

    12. Oh what a shame. A woman didn’t perform her socially ingrained duties of smiling and faking emotions for the comfort of others. *eye roll*

    13. Anon OP, I know you’ve turned super-defensive in this thread, but something for you to think about – you admitted up-front that your feelings about Gabby Douglas are based on your experiences “as someone who did gymnastics growing up,” and it feels (to me) like what you’re saying is that, as a former gymnast, you were socialized to behave a certain way, and you’re now upset/disappointed/whatever at Gabby for not behaving the way you (and, presumably, other gymnasts) were/are socialized to behave. Basically, you’re coming at this from a place of assuming that the way you were socialized to behave/respond to things in gymnastics is the “right” way and is the standard Gabby (and others, but you’re only calling out Gabby) needs to meet.

      What you’re not getting about the conversation that’s happening here is that basically no one agrees with you that the supposed “right” way for a gymnast to act according to you is actually a fair standard to impose on Gabby. What we’re all saying (in various ways) is that the social conditioning imposed on you and other gymnasts and young women at large is complete and total B/S, and it’s ridiculous and unfair that people are being so sh!tty to Gabby for failing to meet some arbitrary behavior standard about the “appropriate” reaction she’s supposed to be having. You probably don’t even realize how deeply you internalized these effed-up, gendered standards of behavior that were imposed on you as a young female gymnast, but THAT’S what everyone is taking issue with.

      1. I have a daughter. I would like her to act like Simone Biles or Aly Raisman or Laurie Hernandez. I would not like her to act like Gabby Douglas or McKayla Maroney. I would really not like her to act like Michael Phelps. Am I a racist?

        1. Probably? You’re probably also sexist, entitled, and a drag at parties.

          Also none of us believe you won’t be over the moon with a child like Michael Phelps.

          1. You mean someone who was arrested multiple times for driving under the influence, was publicly caught using drugs, fathered a child out of wedlock and has displayed tons of bratty behavior in and out of the pool? I think there are lots of people who wouldn’t want a kid like Michael Phelps! Money and fame are not everything.

          2. Omg the horror of having a child with your girlfriend a few months ahead of schedule.

        2. +1 Totally agree, anon at 1:25. I would rank those athletes the same way in terms of how much I want my kids to look up to them.

        3. It’s interesting, while I actually like Biles, Rsisman, and Hernandez, and think they are genuine, I also get the heebie-jeebies around people who are super-fakey nice and don’t actually mean it. I’d rather deal with someone who is straightforward than someone who plasters over everything with perkiness and doesn’t actually mean it. I mean, they are Olympic athletes, they wouldn’t be where they are without being seriously intense and competitive, and it’s disingenuous to then criticize them for being disappointed. She wasn’t rude or bitchy, she’s allowed to have emotions.

      2. Fair point, and I appreciate your thoughts on that, although I do think there is a lot to be said for displaying good sportsmanship and I actually really appreciate gymnastics for teaching me how to put on a gracious, happy face when I’m sad inside. Totally agree though that there is a gendered element to it, but I personally wish that enthusiasm for teammates and gracious losing faces were expected more of boys rather than less of girls. But the discrepancy between the expectations for the sexes is certainly a problem. And I appreciate all the people that pointed out there’s a double standard with the public’s reaction to white male swimmers’ behavior (which I was totally unaware of, since I haven’t watched any swimming – and obviously the fact that I’m unaware of it points to some bias/double-standards in the media) and McKayla Maroney (fwiw, I was horrified by her *not impressed* face and think it’s definitely far worse than anything Gabby Douglas has done). What made me defensive was not the assertion that there are issues of racism and sexism at play here in general, but that I personally am racist, which I think we can all agree is an incredibly hurtful thing to say to someone. I would and do hold white athletes to the same standards (see Maroney).

        1. No we don’t agree. What is hurtful is being racist. Not being called racist when you are.

          1. +1 to this.

            OP, what you’re doing is basically stepping on someone’s foot and then being mad at them for saying, ‘Ow, that hurt!’

            You’re racist. We all are, to some degree, even POC, because we live in a deeply structurally racist society that privileges white people, especially white men. The important thing is acknowledging your privilege when it is pointed out to you rather than acting hurt at people having the temerity to point out that hi, something you did/said was hurtful, even if you didn’t mean it.

          2. I don’t think privileged and racist are synonyms by any means. I think it’s fair to say that all white people are privileged, at least in some sense, but saying all white people are racist is absolutely ludicrous.

          3. I had a friend (a white woman who was more in tune with her own privilege than I was) tell me that all white people are inherently racist to some degree. At first, I was resistant, but then I started to think about it and examine it, and I think it’s true. All white people are racist. All men are sexist. All Americans are xenophobic. It’s a matter of degree. If you ignore your inherent biases and pretend they don’t exist, then you do nothing to improve them. If you accept that you are likely to have inherently biased reactions to things based upon your own experiences, then you can work to improve. You can think, when people call you out, that maybe they have a point and you can do better. So, that’s what I try to do now, however imperfectly.

        2. So, I’m the POC OP of the thread near the top of the page. One of the things that I think would help with getting people to understand the racism (and sexism and other -ism issues) is to start framing racism in terms of behavior rather than people. Yes, many people are racist. But it’s a lot more constructive to point out to someone where an action conveyed or otherwise involved racism than just telling them they’re racist.

          1. Also, No, we don’t all have a responsibility to be constructive. Just so it’s clear that I don’t think it’s an expectation of me or any other POC. I’m just making an observation on this topic.

          2. I’ve actually tried this (framed it as hurtful behavior rather than something about the person) and it’s never worked. It’s like the moment there’s even a whiff of anything to do with racism the immediate reaction is to curl up in a big defensive ball of ‘#notallwhitepeople’ and ‘You’re racist for calling me racist, so there!’ Because God forbid we do anything to hurt the delicate feelings of the most cosseted group on the planet.

        3. That’s what I don’t get… why be “horrified” by the facial expression of a basically teenage girl? What WASP-y world are people living in where you can’t wear your emotions on your face? It’s not like these gymnasts are throwing temper tantrums on the side of the floor exercise.

          Gabby Douglas’s lack of smile is the same facial expression I’d make if I were overlooked for a promotion (actually I’d probably cry). McKayla Maroney’s “not impressed” facial expression is exactly the facial expression I would make if I were trying to avoid crying in public. If I had to be photographed 1,000 times in the milisecond after receiving bad news, I guarantee there would be 999 photos that show me making all kinds of faces.

          Why we expect grace and poise from teenage girls that we don’t expect even of ourselves is mind-blowing to me. I’d never expect my best friend not to cry or frown given a disappointment.

          Compare this to Princess Diana in her day. We vilified the royal family for forcing Princess Diana to appear emotionless before a crowd. And we applauded her when she was a rebel and laughed and cried in public.

          2. And will add that, in my current role, I am “behind the curtain” on what partners think of associates. This is the kind of stuff I combat all the time relating to female associates. “She has an attitude, she made a face, she didn’t make any face, she cried, she just sat there all unemotional like she didn’t care, she’s standoffish, she’s nervous.” I somehow never hear this dissection of the facial expressions of men.

          3. @RR

            That is just so discouraging, particularly as someone who is frequently told I have a serious case of RBF.

          4. @ELaw

            I know. I think I do a good job of rebutting it for our people, but I have to imagine it goes on everywhere.

  28. Anyone with heated bathroom tiles have an opinion on whether they’re worth it or not? It sounds very appealing, especially given that we live in a pretty cold place with 6+ months of real winter, but I have a nice soft rug in front of the bathroom sink and our bathroom is on an upper level and I haven’t really noticed the tile being cold in the past.

    1. I stayed in a hotel once with them and thought it was amazing. The extra ambient heat just made the room feel better. If you are remodeling the bathroom, they are not a huge additional cost and you will probably really enjoy them, especially if you live in a place with frigid winters. We are planning a future remodel and it is the #1 thing I am excited to add.

    2. We have them in the master bath only. They’re a nice touch but not life altering. They’re not so hot that you really notice them, the floor is just kinda pleasant feeling, which I think is the point. When I happen to step into the kids’ bathroom my first thought is how cold the floor is! We also have a heater in the vent. If you’re doing major rehab and ripping things up anyway, both are worth considering. I wouldn’t rip up a floor you otherwise like just to add them though.

      Our floor is programable – we set the schedule once and haven’t touched it since. I cannot imagine they make a real difference in our electric bill.

    3. We live in an old townhouse with steam (radiator) heat and no radiator in the master bath. Kids’ bath directly above has an exposed pipe that emits some heat (luckily not enough to scald anyone), AND it has a skylight. We did the electric mat heater inserts below the tiles in both baths and a heat lamp for the kids’ bath that we really only use in winter. This is unhelpfully vague, but they don’t cost that much to operate (“that much” being totally skewed by the fact that we are heating a 2-fam 4-story mostly-uninsulated 1860s house with gas, and it operates on the “McDLT” principle of the hot stays hot and the cool stays cool…) I’m all for it. Real radiant heat is $$$ but this was a quickie add-on in the context of a necessary full gut of the bathrooms, which were 40 years old and…not in the good way.

      Cats love it, by the way.

      1. In case I wasn’t clear, we have the electric mat heater inserts under the tile too, not real radiant heat.

    4. I’ve known a couple of folks who replaced their bathroom radiators with in-floor heat – they seem very happy with them, and when we remodel our bathroom, we’re planning to get them (partly just to free up the space currently occupied by the radiator).

    5. It’s something I would consider if I were already taking up the flooring to do a bathroom reno, but not a cost I could justify by itself.

    6. If you’re ripping up the floor anyway, absolutely do it. The electric mat is very easy to install, inexpensive (less than $300 for a pretty big master bath, and that included the programmable switch), and is so comfy to walk on in the winter. We have ours programmed to come on just before we get ready for the day, and it makes stumbling into the bathroom so much less jarring.

    7. It sounds like cold tile is not an issue for you. But man, if I lived in a cold climate and was doing a complete remodel of my bathroom and had the budget for it I would totally do it. My aunt and uncle live in the mountains with tile floor all over their house and they have heated floors. It is pretty awesome.

  29. We had them in our house when I was a teenager and my mother never let me turn them on because of the electric bill. So, YMMV.

  30. I would like this dress in every color please and thank you. I do not, however, want to spend the money. :-( I have the Adrianna Papell one in a pink color. It’s also gorgeous.

  31. Is there a good food tracker app that tracks macronutrients or should I just keep using MyFitnessPal?

    1. MyFitness Pal has a macro tab. I have wondered the same thing, though it was light research, and the other dedidcated apps were not free.

    2. Or if you’re using an iphone, turn it to landscape mode for a quick look. have not yet found a good dedicated macro app (though I helped a friend do some work on developing one… how has this not become a thing yet?)

    3. I know MFP gets recommended a lot, but I like “MyNetDiary” a lot, and on the main “meals” page shows day food totals–both g of fat/protein/carb, as well as the ratio

  32. Has anyone successfully changed their cell phone number as an adult? I have used one number since I got a cell phone 12 years ago, and lately the number of telemarketing/phishing phonecalls has been insane. They’re all from area codes inside the state I used to live in 12 years ago, making me think there’s some Craigslist posting with a wrong number (mine) for some used furniture or something. I’d love to get a new number with my current area code and use that instead. Complicating this issue is the fact that I’d have to sign 1MM new documents for kids school, doctors’ offices etc. and we don’t have a landline. How have ya’ll dealt with this??

    1. Just change it? It’s a bit of a hassle, but not nearly as much as changing your name or address. I sent an email to the people I knew needed to contact me, sent a note to the school administration to change it in their records/master list, sent a note to work to change it in their records, updated the doctors’ offices when making an appointment and changed the rest online or as it came up. The school probably has your email and work number if they really needed you. Everyone else will figure it out.

    2. I did and it was actually nice to not have the same number as I’d had for the past 10 years. For kids, etc, you should definitely change in the summer so when you fill out new forms in September you can switch to your new number.

    3. I’m not convinced it would be better with a new number. It might be possible for the current set of calls to stop once whatever has your number incorrectly is fixed. When you get a new number there is a strong possibility that it will be a recycled number and could result in a bunch of collection calls instead of telemarketers, which I think are way worse.

      1. Someone told me that the telemarketers have gotten smart and are running the dialers through off-shore numbers which show up as local, but as off-shore numbers are not bound by the DNC list. I have no idea if this is factual or not, however!

        1. I thought this was a scam because it charges you to answer an off-shore number. I’m not exactly sure how it works but I don’t answer calls from Grenada. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    4. So when I had to change my number that I have had for 5 years because it was one digit off a local Priest’s number that was widely available on the Internet. I would have people calling and leaving me messages at all hours of the day. There were a couple that really stressed me out – please come asap for last rites etc. I just got freaking tired of calling people back and letting them know it was the wrong number.

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