Coffee Break: Tropical Floral Printed Scarf

187 Comments

1. Cute!
   However, I have a short neck and do not wear scarves except for warmth.

   1. Maybe that’s why I always feel uncomfortable in scarves or anything around my neck (unless it’s winter and I need a scarf). I never considered if my neck was short or not until now.

2. I am not into this scarf. It reminds me too much of the sarongs I used to wear on vacation as a pre-teen.

   I have a really dumb early career question. How/where do you look for jobs that *aren’t* in academia or non-profits? Is this all word-of-mouth? Or do people still use sites like Monster?

   1. Indeed [dot] com
      LinkedIn
      Craigslist

      But word of mouth/knowing someone at the company typically has a better success rate.

   2. Indeed is the best job s!te I think. It aggregates a bunch of other s!tes. I’ve found two of my three adult jobs there.

   3. In addition to the sites others have listed, I’d add that most professional organizations have job boards. Some require you to join the organization to view job listings but most do not.

   4. Agree with the other posters. When I’ve been job hunting, I research the companies where I want to work and keep an eye on the job postings on their website. This was for entry- to mid-level positions, so YMMV.

3. I recently left a government job and started at a midsize law firm in the Midwest in a niche field. I absolutely love the work but am really struggling with the mindset of the billable hour. I had to take two sick days last week and the whole time I was incredibly stressed about how I was falling behind on hours instead of resting and drinking OJ. The thought of planning an actual vacation seems impossible. FWIW I don’t have ‘sick days’ or ‘vacation days’ it’s just 1800 billable hours however you can fit them in. How long did it take all of you to adjust to this mindset? I’m so torn because I love the work but I’m worried I’m going to have so much anxiety and stress it won’t matter. I’m about 6 months in to the job.

   1. Former midsize attorney. It took me about 1 year to actually get comfortable with the mindset of missing hours/vacations/billing. Then again I know people that a decade in still billed on all holidays and vacations.

   2. It’s tough, no doubt about it. As you are discovering, you need to plan for time off when figuring out what a “normal” work day is. 1800 hours is 150 per month for 12 months. About 35 per week if you worked every week, about 7 per day if you worked 5 days each and every week.

      But you’re not going to work 5 days each and every week. So figure out how many days or weeks you will actually be in the office and set your daily or weekly hours target accordingly. Generally there are about 10 holidays where courts and offices are closed. That’s two week right there. If you want to take another two weeks off, which is the minimum you should plan for in my view, that gets you to 48 weeks or 240 work days in a year. 1800 divided by 240 equals 7.5 hours per day.

      See? It’s not that bad. If you bill an extra half hour a day you get to take the holidays off and take a two week vacation.

      And if you bill 8 hours a day when you’re in the office, you only have to work 225 days, which is 45 5-day weeks, which gets you two weeks of holidays and FIVE weeks of vacation. Or a big fat bonus at the end of the year…

   3. It’s rough. Figure out how much you should be billing per week accounting for vacations, sick days and holidays and then aim to hit a little over that target to account for unexpected time off. On weeks when you’re healthy and not on vacation, do some evening or weekend work if necessary to exceed that target. You may also find that you have some busy periods that require a ton of hours so as the end of your billable year approaches you’re way ahead and can take some vacations totally guilt-free.
      With respect to sick days, of course if you’re seriously ill you should do nothing but rest, but when I was at a law firm and got some minor illness like a cold, I would often sleep in until 10 or 11, wake up and do a few hours of work, take a nap and then do a few hours of work in the late afternoon or evening. Ideally you keep some non-urgent, fairly low-level work lying around that you can do when you’re not feeling great (doc review is a great example for litigators).

      1. +1. Sticking to a daily/weekly/monthly budget will keep you from going into a major hours debt. Also, take advantage when the work is flowing and work nights and weekends to build up a cushion. That way, when things are slow, you won’t stress about hours and instead take advantage of the lull by taking a long weekend/jetting out early a few days.

      2. This is exactly what I did. I knew what my goal needed to be assuming I took vacations and holidays and then aimed for something just above that on most days. On top of that, there were some days were I was just slammed and easily got well-above what I needed and this gave me even more of a cushion for sick days or vacation (or just taking off early on a Friday because I wanted to).

         It seemed crazy at first, but now that I’m in a non-billable hour job and having to keep track of actual vacation time and sick days I kind of miss it. I miss knowing that as long as I hit my hours it absolutely did not matter where I was or what I was doing.

   4. I absolutely hate billable hours. They’re bad for workers, bad for clients, and just a huge source of stress and aggravation. My sympathies to you.

   5. Billable hours are wretched, especially the constant guilt/worry.

      Tips:

      Bill when you’ve got the work. When I first started billing (as a brand new associate) I wasn’t in a rush to complete my work unless there was a deadline, so I’d bill 5 hours here or 6 hours there for a few months (silly, I know), just doing whatever was on my plate rather than finishing stuff up and asking for more. I wasn’t being asked to do anything so it didn’t feel “urgent.” So of course I built up a HUGE hours deficit. Which stinks. Having a cushion feels amazing.

      Be diligent about recording your time. You’ll capture more and going back to try to recreate/remember is torture, and bad for you and the clients.

      Like the others have said, make yourself an hours budget.

      Mentally reframe awful, daunting projects (killer motion for summary judgement, massive doc review) as awesome opportunities for hours.

      Once you get the hang of it, try not to let the guilt of not billing get to you. There’s always going to be pressure to bill. But it’s ok to protect the time you need to take care of yourself. I think that high achievers get bogged down in billables because it’s a very objective, quantifiable way for you to show you are successful..it’s hard to resist gobbling up more. It’s hard to give yourself permission to relax when you could be squeezing in just another 5 short hours to impress some partner, but learning to do that (still meeting expectations, of course) will help your mental health long term. You have to figure out where you can draw that boundary at your particular firm. For me, this was the biggest thing that helped me adjust-learning to give myself permission to stop billing and stop worrying about it.

   6. Everything said here is good, but I would add the following: You need to be constantly sourcing work, so that you have a huge backlog of projects you can turn to when something wraps up (which often happens quickly, at least in litigation). It makes for a pretty hectic, stressed schedule, but if you don’t have this kind of backlog, you’ll finish a project and in the week that it takes you to get more work, you’ll basically bill no hours. Then you’ve gotten yourself in a huge hours hole you have to dig yourself out of .

   7. When calculating my daily or weekly billable target, I subtract 6 weeks (3 weeks for vacation, 2 weeks for statutory holidays, and 1 weeks for sick days/CLE, but YMMV) from the 52 weeks in a year and then divide my yearly target by the remaining number of weeks so that the buffer is built in and I’m not racing to catch up after a sick day or vacation.

4. My weight has generally been static. I have put on 3-5 pounds since spring. Should be NBD. But I’ve put on 1″ on my waist and 1″ on my hips and none of my clothes fit. I’m 5’4″, so it’s working out to be a dress size in bottoms (top is unchanged). How hard is this to lose and what should be realistic in terms of workout / diet / timing expectations?

   I just joined a gym b/c at home workouts haven’t gotten the job done (so I had to buy new summer clothes and now may need to get new fall clothes when the weather changes) and plan to swim 1x/week and maybe start to lift (once someone shows me how — have only managed dumbells and squats before).

   1. YMMV, but 3-5 pounds is always about food for me, not exercise. You should exercise for overall health and to maintain muscle tone, but if you’re already small you’re not going to drop 5 pounds without diet alterations. When I need to drop a few a focus on quitting snacking and limiting simple carbs and alcohol and that seems to do the trick, usually in a few weeks or a month, depending on how disciplined I am.

      1. Some more background:

         I thought that it would be easy like that. But in this same window, I went from being regular to really irregular and think I’m easing into perimenopause. Bleh. So I think that I may need to kick it up a notch in the exercise department also b/c my metabolism may have permanently fallen into a rut.

         1. Yes- agree- I’m 50 and have posted a few times here now on this- suddenly I starting gaining weight, though eating & (not) exercising the same…I had to start strength/weight lifting to regain lost muscle mass, and do some cardio for metabolism. Combined, this worked for me for now- able to eat more or less as I used to, and lost a few pds.

         2. I know I’m late to post, but here goes anyway — if you think it’s perimenopause related, the advice I got was cut your average calorie intake by about 200 calories a day to maintain your weight. So to lose it and get back to your previous weight, you are probably going to have to both cut back calories and increase activity — both weight lifting and sheer calorie burning activities. The math has to add up — in order to lose, you have to burn more than you take in. The way I’ve successfully done it is with MyFitnessPal and scrupulously logging everything in conjunction with weight training (with a trainer), upping my daily step count, and cycling. The weekly graph overview is really helpful in seeing the effects of just a few extra 200 calories a day. It doesn’t matter if the calories are healthy or not (it’s one of those lies we tell ourselves — almonds are indeed better for you than donuts, but a calorie is a calorie), so log everything so you can see the real effects of tweaking your food intake and upping your activity level.

      2. This is really good advice. Making adjustments to your diet will have greater immediate impact than adopting a new exercise regimen. Although exercising is of course always good for overall health. Cut alcohol, skip dessert, focus on eating more veggies. And give yourself 4-5 months to drop the weight (if that’s about how long it took to gain it).

   2. I am similar. 5’7″ and just 5lb fluctuation mean all my pants/skirts don’t fit because I am pear shaped and all goes to my rear/thighs. None to upper body.

      For me it’s all diet + “normal” weight fluctuations. I struggled with it for years and finally broke down and now keep pants I two sizes.

   3. If your gym offers classes, consider Pilates – they are great for the lower body.

   4. IMO you can do it relatively easy and quick. I’ve recently started counting macros (google IIFYM) and lost 4 lbs. in 3 weeks. I seldom went to the gym during that time frame (maybe 3 times the first week and twice a week the following two weeks).

   5. Just a heads up that resistance training of some kind is awesome and definitely a must-do (in addition to cardio!) but you may notice that if you do start to lift weights you’ll retain a little bit of water weight in the beginning as well, especially if you haven’t done resistance training before. Your muscles will hold on to water to repair your muscles until it gets used to the added stimulus (meaning, you continue to lift consistently).

      The Stronglifts 5×5 app is awesome if you’re just starting and want to learn to lift. Or, if you’re in NYC, I’m totally down to teach you to lift weights for free!

      1. Sadly, not in NYC!

         But this is all inspiring. I can take a wound to my vanity. But replacing suits is wounding my pocketbook!

      2. I’m so glad to hear about the water retention. I started “lifting” (regularly weight training about 4 times a week) about 2 weeks ago and I am up about 4-5 pounds. YIKES!

5. My SO just moved in. I’ve never lived with an SO. I had roommates in college and law school, but have been living alone for over 5 years now.

   Tips for making sure this transition goes smoothly? I’m trying to 1) start as I mean to go on, and _not_ give in to the temptation to clean up after him and 2) communicate clearly about chores. Would love advice on other things to consider to keep a peaceful house.

   1. Make sure everything is give and take, and I think that’s easiest when you both look at it as an opportunity to enjoy chores. When my SO and I moved in together and split up chores, I offered to do laundry because personally I love it, and I asked my SO to take dusting and vaccuming because I hate them and he’s neutral. He loves to cook but hates doing dishes, so I pick up more of those.

      1. +1 that’s what we do basically. And we use an app to split all shared household expenses.

         1. What app?

            1. Splitwise

            2. Thanks!! Had never heard of this and it looks awesome.

         2. What app do you use?

   2. For my BF and I we seemed to just naturally do our share of clean-up, etc when we spent time at each other’s places, so we weren’t so strict about it, but I would have a conversation where you go through what each person’s reasonable standards are for how often cleaning gets done, what food to buy, etc, and divide tasks (my bf does more cooking than I do so I clean up more often). Having clear expectations before you get into any fights about it I think is a prudent way to pre-empt any issues that may arise.

      Also discuss bed/wakeup times. My bf gets up earlier than I do and he has made accommodations so that I don’t get woken up (or at least only slightly so I can fall asleep again).

   3. I moved in with my SO and one thing he did to help me feel more comfortable was that he was really really open to making the space feel more like “ours” rather than “his house I moved into.” He had a nice set-up but it was pretty bachelor-esque, so he made sure to clear off shelf space for my books, not object when I added throw pillows and blankets to the couch, etc. Another thing that helped is that he was really flexible about creating a new routine. In his single days he might’ve let dishes “soak” overnight after dinner, but when I moved in and I wanted to clean as we cooked, he rolled with it.

      Another small suggestion that works for us- we didn’t split chores by activity. He does his own laundry, I do my own laundry. We both take out the trash. We both empty the dishwasher. We both walk the dog. Etc, etc. We just split how often we do it. It worked better for us because neither of us felt like we were totally relying on the other person to get a specific job done and there was less resentment about “I’ve done my stuff, why haven’t you done yours?”

      1. +1 to this. Hubs owned a house before we got married, and he gave me near carte-blanche to redecorate and rearrange. Obvs., YMMV, but it helped make the space feel like “ours” rather than “his” or “mine.”

      2. Thanks — our situation is the opposite. I own a house, and he’s moving in with me from a pretty sparsely decorated apartment. I’ll make an effort to make sure what few things he actually does own and like get put out.

         1. My SO and I have a similar setup to most of the posters here. We each do our own laundry, whoever fills up the trash can takes it out, and we informally trade off on general weekday clean-up like loading and unloading the dishwasher. Just communicate clearly about your expectations. For us, we agreed early on that Saturday mornings are when we’ll spend time doing a deeper clean of the place – typically he does the bathrooms, I take care of vacuuming and the kitchen – we each choose the chores we hate the least. (It helps that he had weekly inspections when he was in the military, so he has always kept a pretty clean living space.)

            Where our individual belongings overlapped, we sorted through and kept whichever version was in better shape. So, now we have seriously mismatched pots/pans/dishes/etc, but this way neither of us felt like we were giving up all of our things. I try not to force him to do things the way I’d do them, and just trust that they’ll get done, and they always do. We don’t really pick up each other’s messes too much (unless someone is having a terrible day and could use the help). Making sure he has a place for his video games and other bachelor things was important to my guy, so as long as you’re cognizant of that in your home, I’m sure it will be very appreciated.

            1. If you want him to be more than an SO, meaning getting a ring on your finger, you can’t make everything a mathematical exercise. Sure he can help with the shopping, but don’t expect miracles in the cooking and cleaning departments. That is where you lead. Moreover, try to be a tigress in the bedroom even when you just feel tired because so many other women are these days. Once you are married you can slack off a bit but not one day earlier. It worked for me.

            2. Kat, what the HELL is this? Ew. Ew. Ew. Troll. Ew. Good god.

            3. All of these Hallie and Rita and Susan are likely the same person who just has way too much time on their hands. Kat might be able to tell from their IP addresses.

6. I’m continuing to update you all about my recent online dating experiment because I’m not telling my IRL friends about it and I need someone to talk to. Aren’t you all lucky? I’ve been talking to a few guys on Okcupid, which is going pretty well, although I find some are slow about responding to messages and getting back to you. Absolutely nothing is happening with Tinder or Bumble other than some pervy messages. I loved the idea of Bumble, the woman contacting the guy first, but all the messages I’ve sent have expired because the guy doesn’t respond in time. So that sucks.

   I think the hardest part is not being too quick to judge a book by its cover. Every time I reject a guy because he can’t spell or I hate his facial hair, I wonder if he’s actually the love of my life and I’m being too picky.

   1. I find the best way to avoid rejecting too quickly is to ask myself how I would react if my friends set me up with him and let that answer guide my reaction a bit.

   2. I will admit that super poor grammar or using texting language were major turn offs in the message time and generally led to my disinterest/stopping the conversation. I just tried to picture myself years down the line not losing my mind slowly over the issue and couldn’t envision it.

      It was one of my hills to die on.

      1. I screened people based on grammar and spelling. I think it’s an indicator of the effort a guy is willing to put in to make a good first impression.

         For what it’s worth, the love of my life ended up being a guy I met on Match whose messages were well-edited! When I told him that I was striking potential matches early on based on sloppy writing, he laughed and admitted that he ran his messages through spell-check. He also pointed out that guys have much more arbitrary reasons for weeding out women.

         1. OK, so I’ve never dated online so take this with a grain of salt. But my husband is the WORST at the English language. His spelling sucks, his grammar sucks, he uses the wrong there/their/the’yre — his text messages regularly make me cringe. However, he is the most wonderful husband and life partner I could ever imagine. We’ve been together 12 years.

            So, maybe, just maybe, let the bad writing go. There are more important qualities in a life partner.

            1. My SO is like this too — his texting is the worst. He knows the difference between your/you’re but can’t be bothered to actually use you’re in text because it takes longer to text (seriously, he says this) and it makes me cringe every time. He also can’t spell.

               I met him online though and he bothered to use correct grammar for his profile. So, I still think it’s a good screening tool. I think of it as signaling how serious you are about trying to meet someone and how much time you were willing to put into your profile, similar to finding multiple decent pictures to upload and actually including information about yourself instead of being super generic.

               Hang in there OP.

            2. This is a perfect example about why online dating can be so tough – you’re judging people (and being judged) on the basis of criteria that are often not on the table until much later if you’re meeting someone in the real world. In the “old days”, or traditionally, you’d meet someone and see if you feel attracted to them and THEN learn all the finer details about their interests and vices. With online dating, everything is on display from the get go and you’re forced to split hairs to “accept”/”reject” in the interest of time (many women get a lot more nice messages than they’d ever be able to keep up with, etc.).

            3. Same here! My husband barely knew how to text when I met him (2007, so it wasn’t really brand new) and his written English is not perfect at all (though– weirdly — he is much better at spelling than I am). I had to accept that my dude (who is kind, hilarious, sexy, engaged, clever, moral, and curious) not only didn’t present himself well to ME in writing, he wouldn’t present himself well to the people I knew who had educational backgrounds like mine.

               For plenty of people, “doesn’t look smart in writing” is a legit deal breaker. If having a partner who presents himself in a certain way is important to you, strike him on that. Instead of striking my man for that reason, I decided that if people respected me less for being with someone whose grammar was imperfect, I could discount their opinions and call it a day.

               Now that we’re together, we don’t communicate in writing much anyway :-)

         2. I’m so curious what those weeding criteria would be?

            Or are they just boring physical ones?

            1. Most of the reasons I’ve heard from them are picture-related (the complaint I heard most was “not enough pictures”).

               Among the truly ridiculous reasons his buddies (and him too, probably, if I’m being honest) weeded women out-
               1. Children in her pictures (even if woman said she had no children in her profile)
               2. “Weird-looking knees”
               3. Being an alum of a rival football college
               4. Liking cats (even if the woman said she had no pets on her profile)
               5. Being 30 (not being over 30. Just being 30. Apparently this bro believes that 30 is a year that women are nuts and try to accomplish all of their life goals in 12 months. I’ve met this guy, that woman should be so grateful that he skipped her profile)
               6. Having “too good of a job” (this is why my law school roommate listed her job as “works at a law firm” instead of “lawyer”)
               7. Not having any pictures of herself with booze (“she’s gonna be lame”)
               8. “Man-hands”
               9. “Her name is weird” (I believe the woman in question was named “Ryan”)
               10. Liking sports (because “I don’t want a woman yelling at the tv”)

               FWIW, the 3 of the guys who said these things are PeterPan man children. The 4th was all talk and married someone he met on Match who didn’t check many of the boxes he pretended to have and when he talks about his wife now he seems to be pretty crazy in love.

            2. Actually, I agree with #3 above. When I was single, guys who had gone to my rival b-ball college were out of the question. One of the hub’s best friends went there and sometimes I cannot talk to him during hoops season.

               Some lines should not be crossed.

7. I had a friend bring up their service-connected PTSD during conversation the other day, and wanted to talk about one of the incidents related. Are there any recommended resources on supporting somebody in this situation? I know this person is seeing a professional as well and doesn’t seem in danger or anything, and it isn’t something I can’t handle or that makes me uncomfortable, it is just so totally outside my life experience that I don’t know how to best respond or support.

   I didn’t even really know if I should say, “I’m here whenever you need somebody to talk to!” though that’s probably the jist of it. I just want to be a good friend basically but it’s not like I can say “I’ve been there.” Any advice?

   1. Have you seen the last week’s Humans of New York? It’s about getting people to talk about this; it’s pretty intense.

   2. Just listen. That’s it.

      No judging.

      “I’m so sorry to hear you experienced that.”

      NEVER say you understand, because there is no way you could, and comes off as patronizing. Don’t give your stories, or relevant examples.

      Just listen. And say you will always be there to listen if and when they need it.

      1. Yup. Part of loosening the grip of PTSD is learning to tell the story without living it. Don’t be surprised if the person’s breath quickens or their voice falters. All the person needs from you is a receptive ear. You are a good friend for listening. Not everyone does or is willing.

   3. If it’s service connected, watch Why Veterans Miss War (TED Talk), which, even if she wasn’t in combat, is a good overview of some of the challenges of re-entry that can dovetail with PTSD.
      Let her know you’re here if she needs anything and that you want to make sure she’s comfortable- “is there anything that triggers you that you’d want me to be aware of?” As someone with non-service-connected Probably-PTSD, I would appreciate that immensely because my triggers are weird (John Stewart and some other stuff) and if no one asked, I would never say but would lose my shit if faced with them.
      If she tells you about her experiences, try hard to pretend like it’s not upsetting you. Don’t minimize it, but do anything you can to not visibly seem upset or freaked out. If I’m opening up, it stresses me out to be experiencing the physical and emotional challenges of that while also managing the complete freak out reaction of the other person.
      And generally, avoid “thank you for your service.”

      1. Forgot to edit out a curse word, response is in moderation…
         If it’s service connected, watch Why Veterans Miss War (TED Talk), which, even if she wasn’t in combat, is a good overview of some of the challenges of re-entry that can dovetail with PTSD.
         Let her know you’re here if she needs anything and that you want to make sure she’s comfortable- “is there anything that triggers you that you’d want me to be aware of?” As someone with non-service-connected Probably-PTSD, I would appreciate that immensely because my triggers are weird (John Stewart and some other stuff) and if no one asked, I would never say but would lose it if faced with them.
         If she tells you about her experiences, try hard to pretend like it’s not upsetting you. Don’t minimize it, but do anything you can to not visibly seem upset or freaked out. If I’m opening up, it stresses me out to be experiencing the physical and emotional challenges of that while also managing the complete freak out reaction of the other person.
         And generally, avoid “thank you for your service.”

8. I was talking to a good friend today about childcare plans (we’re both due this fall with our first babies) and she made what I thought was kind of a snide remark about how she could never leave her baby with a stranger and how I must feel so guilty about it. Actually no, I wasn’t feeling particularly guilty until she made me feel like I should be feeling guilty! Not that I want to or am able to quit my job, but I know she doesn’t think I should become a SAHM, so I’m not sure what alternative she thinks I have, except the unicorn set-up that she has: local, retired, healthy parents who will watch the baby while she works. I don’t live in the same city as my parents and even if I did, they have their own lives and jobs, which they’re not going to quit to take care of my baby.

   I’m not even a mom yet and I’m so over the working mom judgment. Daycare is fine! A nanny is fine! An au pair is fine! Grandparents are fine! A stay-at-home/work-from-home parent is fine! I’m pretty sure the kid is going to turn out fine no matter what. UGH. Just had to vent.

   1. I have zero experience in this but that really sucks. I hate all the judgment toward parenting. You do you.

      1. Seriously. You should have seen the look of shock and horror when I told a friend I wasn’t going to pump at work so my baby would need to transition to formula at 12 weeks. I get that “bre@st is best”, but mine won’t be available once I return to work, and life goes on.

   2. “You’re right! I can’t imagine leaving my baby with someone who wasn’t a properly screened loving person with training in early childhood education – babies require so much energy. Definitely irresponsible to leave them with someone you’ve never met.” – follow with big smile.

      Yes, this statement includes vague shade at use of grandparents for childcare, omit if you’re nicer than me.

      1. Yeah in one of my not-so-fine moments, I told a SAHM who said something similar “You’re right, I could never leave my baby with someone not trained in early education. I don’t know how SAHMs do it, they must feel so guilty for not being able to afford real care for their kids.” For the record, I don’t actually think this. I was miffed that she judged my choice so I spun it on her. Not nice of me, but made me feel better in the moment. I’ve since apologized profusely, as has she.

         And btw, daycare teachers are only strangers for the first month. Plus, everyone is a stranger to the baby at first, including grandparents. Baby doesn’t know Gramma is loving, Baby just knows it’s notMama and notDada. The stranger thing is such BS.

   3. FWIW, I found when most of my friends was expecting their first baby, they had a bit more of an attitude like that. After a few months of actually having a baby and subsequently being pregnant/having baby #2 (in one case), they are all so much more chill.

      The working mom judgment is awful no doubt, but I think a lot of it calms down once people actually have kids and realize how difficult it all is.

      1. Thanks. I’m encouraged to hear it gets better :)

      2. +1 pregnancy hormones and first baby tend to be crazy making. Hopefully (if she’s a good friend) she will revert to her usual self after a few months of parenthood.

   4. “Yes, we’re so lucky to have found such a great nanny to be a part of our family.”

   5. I think she was really careless for saying that, but I try to remind myself that I sometimes say careless things as well and I don’t really truly mean anything by it. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a ton of mom-shaming happening all the time and that it isn’t really crappy to have to deal with. But I’d try to assume she didn’t really mean to come from a bad place, especially if she isn’t usually snide. Next time it comes up, I’d just be really upfront about how comments like that are really offensive and ask her to be more sensitive, especially because she’s probably also getting mom judgment from people as well.

      1. Girl no. She straight up said friend should feel guilty. That’s no accident. “Why yo being so rude and judgmental?”

         1. I’m just trying to give a friend the benefit of the doubt.

            I hate the way I feel when I speak too soon and offend someone without really meaning to and if this is otherwise a good friend who doesn’t have a mean streak I think it helps to assume she messed up without assuming she really thinks OP is making awful parenting decisions. And addressing it head on by saying “You know, I’m sure you don’t really mean to suggest I’m not making a good decision for my family, but it comes off that way when you suggest I should feel bad.” I have to assume any friend with half a brain/heart would recognize that what they said was dumb and probably not reflective of how they really feel. And if, after that, she continues to make not-so-subtle comments about your parenting, then yea, dump her as a friend.

      2. Passive-aggressive people are passive-aggressive.

         I often think to myself “bless her heart . . .” and try to get my inner zen back. It beats saying something your kid picks up in utero.

   6. Meh, I would never say this, but I’d junk “I have no idea how you can mix family and childcare”— my mom is lovely and would love to watch our kids, but it would be a relationship nightmare.

   7. They’re only strangers on day 1 (assuming she means daycare/nanny). Mom, dad and grandparents are all strangers at first too. But generally judgy people don’t tend to be all that logical, so not sure if it’s worth bringing up with her. Sorry, sounds like you have a bad friend there.

   8. I was listening to a local political debate (state representative) where one candidate was talking about public preschools, and the other candidate said his wife keeps their granddaughter every day and that he “wouldn’t want anyone else to raise her.” Ok, first of all, whoever keeps a child while her parents are at work is not “raising” that child. And second, your friend sounds like this idiot politician– not everyone has unicorn grandparents who can (or want to) provide childcare. She could stand to be reminded of that.

      1. Oooh, yes I HATE when people say “raising” to refer to daycare/nanny/grandparent/whoever watches the child while the parents work. It’s NOT “raising” the baby. Major pet peeve.

         My friend is a good person in general, but has always had a little bit of a “my way is the best/only way” streak – which has never really been a big deal before because if I did things differently than her it was because I thought my own way was better, so her attitude didn’t really bother me. But now I don’t have the option to do things her way so her attitude that everyone who’s not doing it her way is wrong is majorly annoying.

         1. You might want to brace yourself a bit for the impact that being a parent can have on relationships if she’s “best/only” way inclined. Whether its nursing/bottle, cloth/disposable, pacifier/not, CIO/cosleep/never CIO, daycare/SAHM, babywearing/stroller, car seat issues, there’s always different ways of parenting – the options are endless

            1. Yep, and this friend sounds like she is going to be like this about motherhood in general– she sounds very sanctimommy even if she didn’t mean to. Early into motherhood I decided not to give a single hoot what anyone other than the pediatrician says, which has been helpful for ignoring sanctimommy friends who don’t think I breastfed long enough, think I should go part time, etc. I strongly recommend ignoring pretty much everyone on parenting topics.

   9. As a lawyer-mom who leaves her daughter at daycare M-F, let me just say that daycare has been the best thing for our family! Your baby will be fine, there will be adjustment, but in the end they will know how to interact with other children, and with other adults! Also – daycare providers are geniuses at getting babies on a schedule. I notice a definite difference in my daughters temperament (not for the better) in the evening when my Mom watches her and her entire schedule has been thrown out the window because Grandma can’t bear to put her down for her nap.

      Also, daycare does so many things with my daughter that I wouldn’t have the energy to organize/do, and I get the benefit of adult interaction and an adult identity. Do not feel guilty about daycare (or nanny or whatever child care setup you arrange) your baby will be okay. Als0 – if you haven’t already, check out the C*rpor*tt*Moms s*te, the ladies over there generally have great advice about the challenges associated with being a working mom.

      1. Thank you so much for this. Rationally I know our baby will be fine in daycare but it is always good to hear from someone who it’s working out well for. And thanks for pointing out the upsides that daycare offers that grandparents don’t.

      2. You know what took me a long time to figure out is that your childcare arrangements are not final or permanent, but ever changing according to you needs. I guess I sort of thought you’d set it when you went back to work and that would be it, but no. Nanny, then a different (shared) nanny, then emergency daycare, then my mom had to come stay for a while when a nanny quit, then an in-home daycare, then a couple different preschools . . . and it was all fine in the end. Your friend’s arrangement just might fall through in a year or so, and guess who will come to you asking for advice.

      3. Yes! I have 3 kids. I worked from home p/t (without extra childcare) until my youngest was 2, when I went back to work full time. My older 2 were in school.

         Long story short, daycare was awesome for my youngest, and my older 2 missed out on some things because they weren’t in daycare. I felt guilty at first, when I went back to work f/t, but once I saw how awesome the childcare was, and how he flourished there, the guilt went away. Especially when I reminded myself that bankruptcy was never good for a family. :P

   10. OP, that unicorn set up you reference isn’t always so great… I know very few people for whom it worked out really, really well. If you have the resources for a great daycare or nanny, things will be just fine.

   11. I don’t have kids yet, but if it makes you feel better, I spent the majority of my childhood staying with my grandmother when my parents were working, while my (much) younger brother grew up going to daycare.

       He is much more of an extroverted person, and excels at making friends and socializing, and I think the fact that he was socialized with other children at daycare, while I wasn’t, had a lot to do with it.

       I know it made me like the idea of daycare when my husband and I do have children, at least part of the time – they get to do so many activities that I would never have time to plan and they socialize with other children from an early age.

   12. I’d just kind of sit back and watch as her grandparents-as-caregivers plan falls apart or creates a lot of resentment and hurt feelings on both sides. In my experience grandparents as primary caregiver is a great idea in theory and almost never works in practice.

   13. Steel yourself for more judgment once you have the baby. It is exhausting.
       Day care is fine. Formula is fine. BF’ing is fine. Etc.
       Our son was in day care from 10.5 weeks on and he seems to be developing just fine. Maybe fine, in the attitude department, but I can’t blame day care for that. :)

       1. ^ “too fine in the attitude department
          I miss editing.

   14. I apparently made the opposite foot-in-mouth type mistake with a friend. When she was about 6-7 months along, I asked which daycare they were going to use. She told me they hadn’t started looking at daycares. I didn’t think I looked horrified but apparently I did; it was from a place of concern, not judgment, and I really try to not come anywhere close to looking judgy about someone’s parenting!

       1. Ok, that’s not the same thing as it is horrifying to be 6-7 months along in most places without some idea of where your child might go – that’s actually being a good friend. Wait lists are a b**ch.

   15. UGH that sucks. I am inclined to give your friend some benefit of the doubt — that she’s airing her own anxieties in an inconsiderate and hurtful way… but still, she should’ve been more thoughtful.

       I will join the chorus in saying that it’s amazing what daycares can do for kids. First of all, I hear them saying about my kid, “oh I love how BabyChi loves music!” or whatever, specific things, like what we love about her. They aren’t family, but they really really care and are engaged. Secondly, and hugely, they put SO much work into giving the kids really cool experiences that I just don’t have the patience/space/supplies/forethought to put into place. She paints multiple times per week. They set up appropriately challenging but safe things for her to climb on. They help her learn to relate to her peers in ways that are impossible when she’s just at home with a parent. They are teaching her counting and shapes already! Your kid is going to do great — don’t let this comment get you down!

9. Also a vent:

   I’ve worked since I was in junior high. I worked really awful jobs, and really good jobs. They helped toughen me up a bit and helped fund college. I got married late, had kids, and kept working.

   Sibling, OTOH, never worked. Got funded to have internships in fun cities and study abroad. Worked a year, got married, hasn’t worked since. Now that Sibling is getting divorced (with a generous alimony/support package (like more than my first grown-up two jobs paid)), my parents are stepping in to make up for some things she’ll have to cut back on. Maybe she will eventually get a job, but at this point I doubt it.

   I really want someone to rewind the clock and let me just study abroad. I have no time now. I will never get that time until I retire. I am exhausted and I just can’t stop being a 19-year-old who came home every day reeking of smoke from a bar. I hate being the overlooked kid who did everything she was told to do and was ignored b/c of it.

   #Cinderellaisfiction

   1. On the other hand, unlike sibling you have a marriage, a job, and the ability to lead an independent life.

      1. And a sense of pride and accomplishment. Priceless.

   2. I commiserate. My senior year of college I lost about 15 pounds over the course of the year because while working three jobs to pay the bills, I bought the 5 meals/week plan and once a day, five days a week, I’d go into the dining hall and load up a to-go container with as much food as I could stuff and eat that over the next 1.5 days. I’ve been supporting myself since I was 18, have donated plasma and cleaned houses to make ends meet more than once, and paid my own way through college and grad school. I have a much, much younger sibling who is 22 and in his last year of 100% parent-paid private college, has yet to hold a job, gave him a car, insurance, and he also decided to take up smoking. He has a joint bank account with my parents and they fund it every other week. And all I can think about is how I graduated college barely scraping it together with $28.00 to my name and he’s complaining because Fresh Market was out of roasted garlic cloves. I’m not jealous of him at all but I’m unhealthily angry at my parents – who refuse to acknowledge that our experiences are different in any way.

      1. Wow. That is brutal. I’d definitely be telling bad job stories at every family dinner until they acknowledged how different we had it.

      2. I hear you. My sibling is 9 years younger than me and my parents were somewhat young and poor when they had me. Several years later things were better and they even went on an international vacation with sibling when I was in college (that I worked to support and that I had won a scholarship to pay for). I feel irrationally angry but I later found out that sibling is also a bit jealous of me because of frequent statements of “Look at Anonforthis. We never had to tell her to study for exams or do her homework. She did it all herself.”

      3. YES. This was my experience so much. Working at 18, sometimes 3 jobs during college, eating plain pasta all the time because sauce seemed like an unnecessary extravagance. Sold an heirloom of my grandmother’s to cover final semester tuition. Graduated early, got a job, then worked through grad school, no grad school debt. My brother, OTOH? 23, doesn’t have a bank account or phone service of his own, has never had a job. Fully parent-paid college and apartment. They plan to pay for his law school. Oh, the double standards! I don’t begrudge my brother, but my parents? Really?

   3. Are you the oldest? Your sister sounds like my younger brother (minus the alimony).

      Also, I hear you. I wish I’d be just ever so slightly less responsible in my youth. I’d rather have the memories of drinking red wine in Paris and learning conversational french than the memory of being a grocery store checkout clerk.

      1. Of course I’m the older sibling! In college, I was amazed that all of my good friends were older/oldest/only children. We used to joke about bonding over the Lament of the Oldest Child. But it is so true (or was for us).

         One good friend (actually a Middle), has a younger brother who had his own trust fund set up by his parents just for him (he is 5 years younger, so not like he was an oops baby of an 80-year-old) AND a sports car. The sisters worked and shared a dead great-aunt’s iffy Oldsmobile in college.

         I get treating a special-needs kid differently. I get different when parents circumstances change a lot. I will *never* get different with randomy being lavish with one without at least offering it to the other (would you like to go to Madrid? or not work at the truck stop this summer so you could take a class in London? or just drink beer with your friends all summer?).

         1. Marcia Marcia Marcia – in some cases (like mine and your friend’s, Annoy’s below and yours) I suspect latent sexism. My parents had a much easier time funding my brother’s private college tuition than my in-state public tuition. Like zero to me. And I’m another oldest kid.

   4. This is me. I’m only a few years out of school, but I paid my own tuition and rent and worked all through my education. Now I still don’t have a car because I’m saving aggressively because its the responsible thing to do. I have a spouse and of course I’m the responsible one. I just want to run away some days. Especially when I see my younger brother traveling and going to school on my parents dime and living rent free. I can’t stand the disparity in our treatment and its put a big wedge into the relationship between me and my parents. There was a time I spent my last $10 on rice and be and and bananas. My brother will never experience that. My family doesn’t think they treat us differently.

      1. Beans* damn autocorrect. I miss the edit function

      2. Mine is of the sort of “but you’re so much smarter than she is.” Except that I’m not smarter.

         It is the reward for being a hard worker is . . . more work

         1. I’m definitely smart, genius level IQ and I had an A average all through highschool and my degree is with Honours. I’m not sure if my brother is dumb or lazy. He’s never had to go through IQ testing.

         2. Yes, I have had a totally similar experience with my younger sister.

            It’s been really hard for me to accept that my parents thought (and continue to think) that this was okay, and in no way unfair to me or stunting for her. I’m nearly 40, and over maybe the last five years I’ve come to see that it doesn’t matter whether they ever acknowledge how bizarre this arrangement was (like, refusing to co-sign loans for me when I was in college but completely paying for my sister to go to school even after she dropped out multiple times). My mother’s explanation was essentially “you never needed our help, and she did” which kind of rewrites history.

            Anyway, I’m happy with my life, and the fact that I am super independent is definitely a factor in how I got here. My sister meanwhile is perpetually unsatisfied. My parents set us up for this… I don’t love knowing that our family is so dysfunctional, but with the benefit of a lot of life experience, I feel like I actually got the better deal.

   5. Oy. I commiserate. Am also an older sibling whose younger sib has been coddled all her life, still lives with our parents (and her husband, and daughter – basically she would never move out if my parents didn’t give her a good hard nudge), and parents are happy to be free childcare for their grandkid. Meanwhile I live halfway round the world and have zero childcare help, just daycare.

      Consider this: you have moral high ground. I take (slightly bitter) pleasure in knowing I have actual life skills, and while we earn approximately half of what she and her husband do, my husband actually has the flexible schedule to be present and raise his kid.

10. So I’m wondering if anyone has advice —

    DH is an every-day drinker, usually around 2 drinks, I’d say. I personally drink only rarely for a variety of reasons, some of which are related to knowing that I have family members who are alcoholics and/or rely on alcohol to get through life’s stress.

    Sometimes I get really upset just thinking about how DH drinks every day. It makes me sad and I wish that he would change. We talk about it from time to time, and I know that having his beer or cocktail in the evening is something he really enjoys, and that he doesn’t want to change. And I also know that I’m projecting my own issues onto him. And part of me likes how he gets more relaxed and less stressed once he’s had a drink in the evening.

    So, there’s nothing really wrong. I don’t know why it bugs me!

    1. It sounds like you’re concerned that he’s reliant on it. Would he be open to not drinking every single day?

       2 drinks/many days of the week is not necessarily a health issue for a man who is otherwise health. Feeling like he *needs* two drinks everyday may indicate a problem.

       1. I don’t think the solution is nagging him about normal behavior.

          1. It’s not normal behavior. Exceeding 14 drinks a week for a man is considered at risk or heavy drinking. He’s right on the cusp of that. If he can skip a day here or there, probably no issue. If he feels like he can’t go a day without a drink – that’s problematic.

             http://rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov/How-much-is-too-much/Is-your-drinking-pattern-risky/Whats-At-Risk-Or-Heavy-Drinking.aspx

          2. I don’t think it’s normal behavior at all. I grew up around an alcoholic and he only rarely had more than two or three drinks a day. Alcoholism takes lots of different forms and for plenty of people it doesn’t involve ‘binge-drinking.’

       2. Yeah, I’d be interested to hear how he reacts if for some reason, one night, it doesn’t work out for him to have 2 drinks. How big a deal is it for him to have one or none? It sounds totally innocuous, but it is kind of telling when you realize that someone is panicking because they don’t have their drinks on time.

    2. I think you need to work on internalizing the idea that many people drink daily because they like it and because it isn’t a problem for them. 2 drinks a day for a man is simply not problematic.

       1. +1

          You are projecting. Leave him alone. Why is it “sad” to enjoy a drink?

    3. I don’t know that 2 drinks/day is bad from a physical health perspective (although I think there actually is some evidence that it is), but I do think his unwillingness to cut back and his personality changes after drinking are concerning. I don’t really have any advice but I don’t think you’re crazy for being concerned about it. You don’t have to be downing 10 drinks a day to be an alcoholic and it would be a huge issue for me if my DH needed to come home and knock back a couple of beers before he could relax.

       1. I don’t mean to be flippant, but doesn’t everyone’s personality change when they’re drinking? At least a little? Winding down with a drink doesn’t seem to be a red flag to me, by itself (though it might be if a person is incapable of decompressing without a drink). But otherwise I agree that it doesn’t seem unreasonable to be concerned about it.

          1. personality changes would only be with heavy drinking no? I can’t imagine a glass of wine with dinner ‘changing my personality’. It sounds like OP’s BF can’t relax without alcohol and that’s not a great sign.

             1. Yea, I wouldn’t expect a drink or two to change someone’s personality, but OP said her husband “he gets more relaxed and less stressed” which I think is pretty standard for 1 or 2 drinks (also factoring in that when I take off my shoes, change out of my work clothes and have a drink, there’s a lot contributing to my relaxation!)

                It’s probably one of those things where we can all agree that “major personality changes after drinking nightly” is worrisome and “more relaxed after a drink” isn’t nearly as problematic but we’re not entirely sure which OP’s husband is doing.

             2. I definitely relax more and become more chatty after even a quarter of an alcoholic drink. There is a reason it is a social lubricant. You don’t have to be impaired for it to impact you.

          2. Not the poster from 3:36 but I think she is trying to suggest that it’s problematic if he continually seeks those personality changes/needs drinks to relax.

          3. Yeah, I guess I read it more as “he has problems relaxing without alcohol” not “alcohol makes him a little more relaxed.” The former is more troubling than the latter. And I actually don’t think one drink should have much outward effect on your personality unless you drink very rarely. If you’re having a drink a day, you’ll build up a tolerance and I wouldn’t think you’d see any noticeable personality changes resulting from that drink after a few weeks or months.

    4. I’m not a doctor, so I can’t say whether there are any health consequences to 2 drinks a day over a long period of time. If there are no negative impacts on your relationship, but you can’t shake the feeling that you wish it wasn’t happening, you might consider talking to a therapist about it. It may help to work through issues regarding other family members who are alcoholics.

       Assuming there aren’t any long term health concerns, I’d try to think about it like coffee. Coffee is something people can consume in moderation on a daily basis without ill effect. A lot of people develop a reliance on coffee, but it’s not necessarily an unhealthy reliance.

       1. I think that comparison is a little misleading. Caffeine addiction is way easier to break and while you might not be a very pleasant person to be around the week you give up coffee cold turkey, you’re not going to die or suffer any lasting health effects from quitting caffeine suddenly. You can die if you’re really addicted to alcohol and give it up suddenly.

          1. Right, but this is not one of those situations. This is a situation where he is regularly drinking a moderate amount of alcohol, not a situation where he is regularly drinking an entire bottle of vodka every night.

             1. 14 drinks a week is only a “moderate” amount of alcohol by the most generous definition. It’s really a lot and is right on the line of what’s considered heavy drinking. It may not be that uncommon, but that doesn’t mean it’s good for you, and it’s certainly not as healthy as drinking two cups of coffee a day.

          2. I think we, as a society, give a big pass to caffeine that I’m not really sure is warranted. Caffeine is one of the most abused drugs in America but because it comes packaged in Starbucks and Diet Coke, it seems to get overlooked. The language and behavior surrounding caffeine intake is really focused on marketing to dependency. You may be able to kick the habit after a week of cold turkey, but most people don’t. Because it’s addictive. I’m not saying a daily venti habit is going to kill anyone, but it has become so normalized to “need” a morning-pick-me-up and it’s not clear to me that’s any better than a 1 or 2 drink a day habit.

             1. Read up on the medical literature. There’s lot of evidence that 1-2 coffees a day is good for you or at the very least not bad for you. In contrast, there’s quite a bit of evidence that two drinks a day is not good for your physical health. There’s some evidence that up to one drink a day has health benefits, but that’s ONE drink. When you go over that amount, the risks of cancer and various other illnesses start increasing rapidly, and there are no additional benefits. There might not be a huge difference in health effects between caffeine and alcohol when you’re talking two drinks/day, but any doctor would tell you to have four coffees a day rather than four drinks a day. Perhaps neither is optimal, but there’s certainly a lesser of two evils choice, and it’s caffeine.

             2. There’s actually a lot of evidence that moderate caffeine intake (less than 4 cups a day) is good for you – it’s correlated to lower rates of depression, suicide, stroke, dementia, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, various cancers, and lower death rate overall.

          3. I’m reading the OP as saying that her DH has ~2 drinks/night as a way to wind down from his day, and although it isn’t stated, I’m imagining 1-2 beers or glasses of wine, at least partially overlapping with eating dinner. If that’s correct, then he is a moderate drinker, and it does not sound like behavior to be concerned about.

             OP – can you suss out what really bothers you? Are you concerned that your DH is dependent? Or do you wish that he observed your discomfort with alcohol due to family history and abstained on your behalf? Or are you worried that since there’s always alcohol in your home, that you could start drinking and have a problem with it? I think that having a clear understanding of your discomfort will point you in the direction of the solution.

       2. Agree with Anonymous at 3:42. If he doesn’t get intoxicated and there are no other issues or problems, then I’d say yes, you’re projecting. My ex-H did this – he had a viciously abusive alcoholic father and had some problems with alcohol himself, knew it was bad for him and stopped drinking totally in his 30s. He hated being around alcohol, hated the smell of it and was convinced that alcohol was the root of all evil. He would give me side eye for a single, occasional glass of wine, complaining about the smell, pointing out the calories I was consuming and on and on. Because of this, I never had more than one drink when we were out and had a glass of wine at home maybe once a month or less. Yes, alcohol was a problem in our relationship and, no, it wasn’t the problem of the person who was consuming it.

          1. I’m sorry that your ex-H gave you a hard time about your alcohol consumption and it sounds like he did have issues based on his past exposure to alcoholics, but there is a huge difference between what you wanted to do (have the occasional – or even daily – glass of wine) and what OP’s husband is doing (having two drinks per day, including hard liquor, and then becoming noticeably more relaxed and refusing to cut back when his partner expresses concern – note that you were able to stop when it bothered your ex, even if his request was unreasonable). Your ex-H “hated being around alcohol, hated the smell of it and was convinced that alcohol was the root of all evil.” OP has said nothing like this. I’m far from a teetotaler (I have probably one to two drinks per week, so your ex-H would definitely not be cool with my drinking!) but I would be incredibly concerned if my husband was drinking 14 drinks/week and wasn’t open to cutting back. There is a HUGE range of behavior between what your ex wanted you to do (consume no alcohol) and what OP wants her husband to do (cut back from 14 drinks/week).

             PS. I know that many people think one drink a day isn’t that different than two (“oh I have one or two drinks a day”), but the medical community sees a huge difference, both in terms of the physical health effects (one drink = not bad and maybe even good for you, two drinks = indisputably bad) and in terms of how emotionally healthy the alcohol consumption is.

             1. Eh, OP never mentioned hard liquor. This is one of those situations where certain facts might make OP’s concerns totally valid and completely legitimate (what is he drinking? how much does his personality change? what happens if he has to go a night without drinking?) but certain facts can make this a fairly innocuous thing.

                I’m not a doctor or medical professional, but it would really surprise me if the medical community all agrees that on one end of the drinking spectrum is one drink a day (good for you!) and on the other end of the spectrum is two drinks a day (absolutely terrible!). Again, not a doctor, but how do we go from one beer a day is good for your health and two beers a day is indisputably bad for your health.

             2. She has said nothing about hard liquor. Refusing to stop doing something normal and unproblematic because you like it and your partner is irrationally anxious is not a sign you have a problem. Refusing to consider his point of view and demanding he change is controlling.

             3. I don’t think anyone here is in a position to say whether OP’s husband’s 2 drink a day habit is indisputably bad for him (any more than any other habit that obviously doesn’t promote good health). Of course, abstaining from alcohol entirely is the optimal health choice for most people, but the only person who can say for certain whether OP’s husband is drinking to an unhealthy degree is OP’s husband’s doctor.

             4. Yah, but it sounds like he might not want to drop his habit because he doesn’t want to be told to stop doing something that is not an issue to him. People are implying in her question that he doesn’t want to stop because he can’t stop- I don’t see that anywhere. I wouldn’t want my SO telling me what to do.

             5. She said “beer or c0cktail.” I thought the latter meant hard liquor but maybe I’m wrong about that. I only drink wine so I don’t know that much about alcohol.

                I’m not saying one beer a day is great and two is terrible, but there’s some evidence that in very limited quantities alcohol provides some health benefits that outweigh the downsides. Those benefits don’t increase with increased alcohol consumption, but the downsides (risk of cancer, etc.) do go up. What my doctor has said is that one drink is “ok” and two drinks is “definitely not good,” so it’s not necessarily a great/terrible dichotomy, but there’s definitely a difference, and a consensus that two is not ideal (whereas many think one is perfectly fine).

             6. Anon at 4:43, I don’t think his behavior is at all normal. I have lots of friends who don’t drink or drink once or twice a year, lots of friends who drink socially a couple times a week, and lots of friends who have a glass of wine or a beer with dinner pretty much every night. I don’t know a single person who puts away two drinks a night, seven days a week, except for a relative who was widely regarded as an alcoholic and died from complications related to liver disease. There are a lot of women on this s!te who probably drink a little more than they should to deal with tough jobs (this has been discussed before many times) and I think some of them are getting defensive and claiming his behavior is normal because they see themselves in him. His behavior isn’t normal to me or anyone I know, and OP’s concern doesn’t make her “controlling” or “irrationally anxious.” None of us can say for sure without being there, but based only on the facts given, I’d be concerned about his habits too. I literally do not know a single person that drinks that much (and I’m not in any religion or culture that rejects alcohol for moral reasons).

             7. I think the takeaway from this is:
                1) at least half of the comments here think this is totally normal drinking. (I personally would throw my hat in at “the higher end of normal drinking unless there were other red flags, i.e., occasionally getting way too drunk.)
                2) most, if not all, people who don’t think this is normal drinking drink significantly less themselves. There’s nothing wrong with not drinking; I’m just noting that I don’t think I heard anyone say “this is more than I drink but sounds normal.” I think people talked last week about that women drinking article and this relates to that– for a lot of people who don’t drink, they don’t because they have a reason to hate alcohol, or they have tried to make themselves hate alcohol to not drink.
                3) the coffee analogy is apt. I’m not chemically addicted to caffeine– no headaches, etc, or cravings if I happen to skip a day– but if on a normal work day when I’d have one I can’t for some reason, it makes me crazy to be without it, just because it’s part of my routine. I only drink a few days a week but would crave a beer like no other if you told me not to have one and to go for a walk instead.

             8. The only person I know who drinks that much is a shockingly healthy ninety year old woman who has a large gin martini (probably equivalent to 2 drinks) every evening like clockwork, as she has for the last 65 years. If she doesn’t have it it’s no big deal, but it is part of her daily ritual as much as a cup of coffee or tea is for many others.

          2. My dad is the child of alcoholics and has such a huge problem with alcohol that he convinced my mom that my husband, who drinks little-to-moderately most of the time, but who will occasionally, especially on vacation, have enough to be drunk, is a raging alcoholic that should be sent to rehab. It’s been so destructive to my relationship with my parents, while my relationship with my husband is as good as it’s ever been. I won’t ask my husband to abstain from alcohol (or abstain myself!) just because my parents have extreme views toward alcohol (even if those views come from a place of concern).

    5. Can you try starting a new evening routine together a few nights a week? Maybe go to a different coffee or tea shop, have ice cream, or go for a stroll? Cook dinner together?

    6. People are not improvement projects. He doesn’t want to change. So “him changing” isn’t an option that is on the table, as you recognize.

       I second the suggestion of getting some therapy to deal with your own anxiety about this.

       Or you could decide it’s a dealbreaker and leave. You get to choose.

    7. Hey! I’m in a similar boat.

       I worry a little about my husband’s health because he is (we both are) a bit overweight, and we’re definitely getting older, and I just want him to be around for a long long time. He certainly doesn’t drink “too much” but it worries me that while I’m at Zumba (suburban stereotypes coming to life!) he’s chilling with netflix and a beer.

       Part of my worry is also money. I know it’s not a huge amount, but he prefers good beer, which isn’t all that cheap, and we’re stretched pretty thin lately, so I’m annoyed sometimes about that. I guilt myself a lot if I get a $6 frozen yogurt to treat myself after a rough day, so I resent him for not having the same guilt about a treat for him. Hm, that sounds like it is definitely my issue.

       And then, relatedly, there’s jealousy. For reasons of my own making (I am trying to be healthier, I feel better in the morning if I don’t drink, etc.) I “can’t” have a beer and then I resent that he “can.”

       One thing we’ve consciously decided to do is make more of our evening unwinding mutual; we picked a show we’re going to netflix together, just for that hour of cuddling on the sofa, instead of splitting up into separate rooms to do our own end-of-the-day unwinding.

       I don’t know, I just wanted to chime in that you’re not alone in this particular annoyance.

       1. I’m glad you recognize this is all a you problem. I’m sure your Zumba is free.

          1. Ha, well, it *is* at my ridiculously cheap gym, so $20/mo for All You Can Zumba. That’s a lot less than the beer costs.

          2. But yeah, I almost never comment about it, and generally do try to realize how much it is a me problem.

11. Piggybacking off a question I saw in the morning thread: for those of you who work in “mission-driven” organizations, how mission-driven are you? How much does the mission matter to you personally? How much does having a mission matter to you?

    Because sometimes I really believe in the work I do and sometimes I DGAF.

    1. I have been a public defender for 10 years and it is so wrapped up in my identity now (and certain aspects were always part of my identity which is why I was drawn to this work in the first place.) I cannot imagine doing any other type of work and really believe I would not find fulfillment as a lawyer doing anything else. So it matters hugely to me. I’m sure I would do a good job if I practiced some other kind of law, but I would not find fulfillment from my work in the same way. (Which could possibly be a good thing on some days. . .)

    2. I work in a public health topic focused non-profit and I’m like you. There are some days where I just don’t care and think let people do what they will because it’s a choice behavior. Other days I want to scream at people like “are you nuts? Do you know what you’re doing to yourself and others?” I mostly just ride somewhere in between where I recognize there is never a true emergency in my work but it’s important what I do and that motivates me most days.

    3. I work in a non-profit that has a cause close to my heart (cancer). I went into nonprofits because for me personally I had to have some greater meaning in my professional career. But I’d really really like to be paid more for it.

    4. I work for the federal government. I think I was mission driven when I started working there, but now IDGAF. I think it’s because I see how little my work (and many other people’s work) actually matters in the scheme of things. I still care a lot about the mission, but the fact that I feel like my work has no impact on it basically means I care very little about my work. And the fact that I can not care at all, put in minimal effort, and still be a super top performer doesn’t reflect well on my employer.

    5. I work in legal aid and the mission of providing access to justice is absolutely crucial to my professional identity. Even when I’m frustrated with the system, or my clients, or stressing over money (I wish we got paid more. I wish big law would put in more $$ to support our work), and sometimes, especially in those moments, the thing that keeps me going is remembering that without me, my clients would have no representation in a system I believe is fundamentally unfair to them. “Let the beauty of what you love be what you do” is a quote that encapsulates my work. I love it.

12. I think this scarf is cute, especially for spring when it is still cold but you need something bright in your life.

    So I recently inherited a Burial Flag. I’d like to get a wood/glass display case for it, preferably engraved or etched with the relatives information. I found several Etsy and Amazon options but wanted to know if anyone here had personal recommendations.

    1. I got one at Michael’s, I think – or maybe AC Moore. One of the hobby-type shops that does framing. It’s a nice wood frame and it has an engraved silver label with my great-uncle’s information.

       1. We just had a Michael’s open up recently! Ii’ll have to check them out.

13. Awesome, or not worth it? I just got a compelling coupon in the mail so I’m inclined to give it a whirl. If I hate it, it’s (allegedly) simple to cancel. Any thoughts?

    Are ingredients so fresh you have to cook the meals in the immediate days that follow the delivery, or will a Monday delivery let you cook Friday without everything spoiling?

    It would be for just DH and me. I am a good cook, but work hours don’t allow me to cook at all, really. DH does all of the cooking. He can hold his own in the kitchen, but he’s not about go to find a new recipe. He’s on board, in concept, so I figured it might be a good thing to switch up…?

    1. I always take advantage of the promos for meal services and in my experience they have been easy to cancel (Blue Apron, Plated, HelloFresh).

       I always tried to cook the meals within 5 days of delivery. With a 3 meal delivery on a Tuesday, that meant Tuesday dinner, Thursday dinner and Saturday dinner, usually. Occasionally a poorly packaged ingredient would go brown or wilt, but for the most part everything holds up well if properly stored.

       My husband claims to struggle boiling pasta and he had very little problem following the recipes (with pictures!) and made some really delicious meals while I was working late.

    2. Love Blue Apron. I make the meals throughout the week (sometimes I get busy and one gets bumped to the next week) and generally things are fine, especially if you plan and make the fish meal or the meal with spinach first. The steps are easy to follow with times (like, saute onion for 3-5 minutes, not “saute until soft”). The only snag is that the meals sometimes (often) take longer than 30 minutes, unless you prep as you go.

    3. We really like HelloFresh. I try to cook everything within 4 days. With HelloFresh, you can “pause” a delivery so you can go weeks in between deliveries. I assume other companies have similar policies.

    4. I liked the food and I generally found the steps easy to follow. The total amount of estimated time, however, is not that accurate. I found that it generally took me like 10-15 minutes or so longer than the indicated time. So if that is a concern, just be aware.

       In terms of freshness, I found that meals that involved greens (arugula, etc.) would not last longer than about 3-4 days (and they’d be looking pretty ragged by the end). So we would prioritize which meals we made based on the ingredients.

       It is very easy to cancel if you don’t want to continue or to skip weeks.

    5. Love it and definitely worth it for us. We generally don’t make our meals 3 days in a row but do start off with the ones most likely to go bad so fish first, vegetarian last. Blue Apron makes it easier to cook during the week becuase it eliminates, shopping, and measuring. I also like the way the recipes lay out the prep and cooking in a time-efficient way.

    6. Awesome.

       The ingredients are super fresh. Much fresher than most of what I see in the supermarket. They can easily last a week, but like pockets I generally make the most perishable things first.

       I actually feel like it’s helped me become a better cook.

       1. Also I have some free weeks to give away if anybody wants them. Email me at seniorattorney1 at gmail if you’re interested.

14. I posted a few weeks ago about my guilt over being upset about my sister’s pregnancy announcement, as the birth will be right before my wedding. When we announced the wedding (way before conception), she complained endlessly about how it was her planned “baby summer.”

    Your responses were great and made me feel a lot better. I’ve gotten to a place of acceptance, and even planned a specific weekend for my mom to visit and help plan.

    But…my sister just found out she is having twins! For the second time (she already has a pair!), without any fertility treatments! It’s amazing and insane, but I’m now having even more of these resentment issues. She now definitely won’t be able to attend the wedding, will need even more of my parents’ attention, etc. It’s just a lot and I guess I’m just complaining here because I can’t do it in real life. Wonderful news but also sad about my wedding. Like, universe, c’mmon…

    1. I’m still confused why she can’t come to the wedding. Twins is a lot harder than one baby for sure, but she should be able to take a few hours away from the babies to stand beside you during the ceremony, give a toast and eat some cake.

    2. I may just be a terrible person, but is anyone else giving the side eye to high-maintenance drama llama sister magically having two sets of twins naturally? I smell secret fertility treatments.

       1. Twinning runs in some people’s families and I am pretty sure you are more likely to get them if you’ve just miscarried, or is that an old wives’ tale?

          1. 1. Baby Summer: I will be your friend.
             2. My twin family says if they are fraternal, the ladies just spit out bonus eggs randomly (so even more random if post partum or post-pg). We have twins who have fraternal twins for parents (all girls) and I know of a woman who had 2-1-2 with no scientific help at all.

             1. I know of a two-two-two…
                Unplanned

             2. This. I have twins and we are not trying again because once you have fraternal twins without fertility treatments you have a pretty high chance of having them again

       2. Yup totally thought that

    3. I mean this in a kind way, but I think you need to move on from this. Your last post seemed more about your sister being weird and everyone agreed that a ‘baby summer’ was odd. Your sister wasn’t going to come to your wedding with one baby, two makes no difference. I know how big of a deal a wedding is – I’m planning a wedding myself – but these are your nieces/nephews coming into the world! Some friends or siblings are the ‘first’ to marry, ‘first’ to have a baby, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t and shouldn’t celebrate it all. You are welcoming your spouse to your family! Hooray! You and your spouse will welcome new nieces/nephews to the family! Hooray!

       I get that a lot of this is grounded in your sister’s personality and your mother’s enabling/babying of that personality. Unfortunately, it’s not going to change anytime soon. The sooner you move on and start deciding it is all a reason to celebrate, the better.

       1. She’s sad, and she’s venting. It is hard to feel overlooked and deprioritized, even when you recognize that the priority is also important and good.

          OP, feel your feelings. I live 1000 miles from my family, and my mom and sister get to spend time together all the time. She’s pregnant and I’m getting married. I’m expected to travel to all of the baby events, but my family is coming to none of the pre-wedding events. It sucks.

    4. Ugh – good news can be annoying. At the end of the day, your wedding will be great if you end up married to your life partner. Family dynamics get so amplified and twisted by weddings (in part, because you have a lot more forced family interaction), so maybe you can take comfort that many, if not most, brides are dealing with some degree of family drama.

       Also – if this were me, I would be kinda freaking out for a different reason. Do you want twins? Is this her genes or your BIL? so. many. babies.

       1. The only gene that increases the likelihood of having twins is super ovulation (releasing more than one egg during a menstrual cycle), so twins – really, the super ovulation gene – need to run in a biological mother’s family in order to increase rhe chance of fraternal twins meaning BIL’s genes wouldn’t matter at all. Identical twins are always a fluke so neither the mother nor father’s genes matter.

    5. plus side is twins usually come early, so instead of the baby being born right before the wedding, you’ll probably have an extra 2-4 weeks.

    6. I’m sorry, this situation sucks. I hope that you can lean on your future husband and friends for support since your mom and sister clearly aren’t going to be there for you like you’d hoped.

15. Seriously how do I wear ankle booties this fall? Do they go with leggings? I feel like I amentioned playing dress up when I attempt to cuff my skinny jeans. What am I doing wrong?

    1. *am playing

    2. Booties go with everything! Yes to leggings. Yes to cuffed jeans. I honestly think they are THE most versatile shoe. They look great with dresses/skirts and tights too. If you feel awkward, look on pinterest for outfit ideas. I promise you won’t look strange though.

    3. Have you tried not cuffing them by making large rolls but by just folding up the seam once or twice a la J Crew? Just enough so that the jeans grace the tops of the boots?

       Maybe it’s the jeans that aren’t right. Are they too long/too skinny/not skinny enough?

       And you can totally wear ankle booties with leggings.

       Find some catalogs/fashion blogs whose models have the style you want. Study what it is you like about it then play around.

    4. Key for skinny jeans is making sure they are super skinny and on the shorter side– you want the cuff to be tiny, which means the jeans have to essentially already be above the bootie. Otherwise, yes, they go with leggings. I also love them (maybe more than with leggings) with skirts/dresses.

    5. My foolproof way to wear ankle booties is to wear a pair that sits lower at the ankle and that’s wider/gaps a little at the ankle with very skinny black denim or ponte pants tucked straight into the boots (I love me some leggings as pants with black riding boots but cannot do them with only ankle booties for some strange psychological reason). For booties where this tried and true method still looks a little off (which typically happens with booties that hit a bit higher up the leg), I prefer black tights with skirts/dresses.

       I will cuff my regular jeans so they sit properly above the boot or wear ankle jeans with booties from time to time , but I feel like this look also makes me appear “stumpy”.

16. After our trigger warning conversation a few days ago, I wanted to mention an experience I had today that shows the absolute benefit of trigger warnings for PTSD: I attended a talk that was related to trauma and veterans, but the chances of it being dry with lots of evidence based treatment, symptomatology discussion, etc. was high. The room had many active duty military or veterans in it, who self-identified as such.
    One speaker, who should know better, got up and began presenting a long (30 minute) slideshow of photos of combat scenes. No warning. No indication it would be exclusively pictures of middle eastern combat. She also gave a lengthy narrative about the traumatic areas of combat- “you watch your brother in arms die, blood covering your body, screaming in pain, screaming for his mother.” Multiple veterans and active duty members were very obviously triggered in the clinical sense of that word. Not “this is hard and uncomfortable.” Dissociating. Crying. Hyperventilating. Shaking. Tense. Trying to breathe normally. Terrified. I’m not saying the presentation shouldn’t have happened. But it was cruel and unnecessary to retraumatize these people. She should have said something.
    Trigger warnings are crucial.

    1. That’s horrible. I don’t count on people to be careful so always sit near the door and exit if presentations become too graphic.

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