Suit of the Week: J.Crew

128 Comments

1. I am looking for an outside opinion. DH and I got a puppy a few months ago and due to her serious health issues and her high energy levels it has been much more challenging than I understand is typical. Now that things have settled, we’ve gotten into a pattern of alternating days of taking extended lunch breaks so that she is never crated for more than four hours and can get at least one hour of attention and exercise midday. She’s only four-ish months old so too young and destructive to roam free quite yet.

   We had been thinking of moving closer to work before all this, so that’s back on the table as well as getting a house with a yard and doggie door. In the short term we’re almost to a point that we can utilize a dog walker or doggie daycare to reduce they long lunches but are there solutions we’re missing? I’m looking for ideas to improve her quality of life as well as ours. We’re both exhausted and we are pretty active people to begin with.

   1. Having a puppy is HARD. I would def consider a dog walker.
      Finally getting a house with a fenced yard and a doggie door changed my life more than getting married and living with another person.

      1. Thank you! This is exactly what I am hoping to hear- what are the things that make the biggest difference. We are looking for dog walkers as a short term fix but because of her health issues have needed to personally be there at lunch time to administer meds, etc. until recently. I suspected that having a yard would be a tremendous help. As active as we are, no one enjoys driving to the park in the cold rain.

      2. Yes, having a puppy is really really hard! I have a beagle who is 1 1/2. He was my second beagle. The first was so calm compared to this one. Oh. my. goodness. He is so much work. I was completely overwhelmed this time last year–and I had done it once before! It definitely gets better and a dog walker will help a ton.

         Training also helps a lot. The mental stimulation is real and really does wear them out even if you feel like they’re not actually working very hard during the training session. We eventually worked our way into shock collar training (it was our third training place). I know it’s not for everyone, but it has been a godsend for us. (I was only comfortable with using it under lots of supervision and with training from professionals. We go to Sit Means Sit–it’s a national chain.) I can now take him to off-leash parks and let him run and run and run without fear that he’ll run off, get lost, run in front of a biker, etc. He sits on command from very long distances–it’s amazing and awesome. We still go to training an hour a week and will probably keep going for many more months. I don’t notice the difference week to week, but my family does.

         Having him has definitely reshaped my evening and weekend schedule, but I think that’s part of why we get dogs. It just means I’m in the park even when it’s hot, humid, cold, dark, or raining…not just on the gorgeous days. I make a point to either take him to a park or take him to a friend or family member’s house with a yard at least twice during the week, and he gets lots of park time on the weekend. Otherwise, he’s a nightmare as soon as the clock strikes 6 until 10 pm. (I work from home and he’s gotten into a habit–finally!–of sleeping during the day while I work and then wanting all of the attention in the evening.)

         As manageable as it sounds now, he still does stuff like knock over the trashcan when I leave the room or pee on the floor if I don’t take him out when he wants. And, dig up my plants I brought in because the temperatures dipped. Dirt everywhere. But he’s super sweet and loving and SO cute with my 10-month old niece. She chases him around and he cleans up her food messes. He’s also the best snuggler when he finally tires out.

         It will be worth it–keep up the good work, know that it is HARD, and enjoy her puppyhood as much as you can! Take lots of videos!

         PS As she gets older, she can technically go longer without pee breaks. I think the rule is one hour per month of age up to 6/8/10 hours, depending on the dog. The dog walker will still be great to give you and your SO some flexibility and the pup some extra exercise but may not need to be an everyday thing.

         1. YES! Training is invaluable.

            Also, I am all for positive training, but unless you have a hound, please don’t tell me why an e-collar is not an appropriate tool for my dog.

            Our e-collar training (board and train) means that she, in all her hound glory, can now go off-leash with us, where allowed, and has prevented all sorts of harm.

      3. I love my dog walker more than my SO, maybe. She is a rare gem. Part dog trainer, part hound whisperer, I would pay her an absurd amount because she adores my dog and my dog adores her. Many dog walkers have vet tech experience or feel comfortable administering medication, so that’s a consideration. Sometimes there is a little surcharge.

         Consider finding a dog day care facility that can handle these needs. The chains in my area generally do not, but we use a facility that is consistently ranked as no. 1 in boarding and daycare, and they offer all sorts of services, like special care to special needs dogs/medication/lunch if needed/special puppy care.

         We got ours during the winter months, so we had to get super creative about where to tire her and bond with her when the weather was crazy cold. We signed up for puppy play classes at a local dog training facility and went every Saturday and Sunday morning. Petco and PetSmart also offer these. We absolutely did these, paid and unpaid, and sometimes stacked them. We also took her anywhere dogs were allowed. Places you may not have considered include Home Depot and Lowe’s, as well as some local spots. Our city also has “dog adventure” businesses, where they will pick up and drop off your pup and spend the day doing everything from SUP, water sports, hiking, running, etc. It’s amazing and worth the money.

         Having a puppy is really hard and a lot of people don’t understand that unless they treat their dog similarly or have had a puppy recently. You could probably find some of my posts for years back when she first came home and some super nice commenters who told me I needed therapy and I was crazy for worrying about the dog that much. It’s not at the level of having a child, sure, but it’s still a living being you are responsible for, who may or may not have complex needs, and who should not be left crated and unattended for super long periods simply because she can hold it.

         Having a yard is a huge game changer and while I would not use a doggy door (my girl is too curious and our weather is too hot most of the year), the yard was an awesome place for the dog walker to play with her and a place for her to run her zoomies out when she was a puppy. As an older pup, she laid on the grass and enjoyed sunbathing.

         It will get better, but arranging care and back-up care is the best thing you can do to make it easier on yourself!

   2. My kids really want a dog. I want them to have a dog.

      Are middle schoolers (12ish) old enough to walk a dog in a city area (think like Arlington VA — sidewalks, but still some pedestrian danger crossing streets while drivers are busy texting and multitasking) if they take the bus home after school? Or agree to it and follow through as a condition of getting a dog?

      I work, so of no help with this except for early morning or evening. And I strongly favor a non-puppy (H will want a puppy with papers; TBD on this but our neighbor fosters for a dog rescue and is a good source for older pets).

      1. It is possible to adopt breed-specific older dogs, which might win your husband over. I have friends who’ve had a great experience with English Springer Rescue America, and there are many other breed-specific adoption resources if you’re considering a specific breed. It’s nice as they’re real experts at the characteristics of those dogs and can help match your family with a dog based on personalities and your needs.

      2. Middle school is a fine age to walk a dog in a relatively safe city like Arlington, at least during daytime hours. Also, if drivers make you nervous, there is no need to cross a street if there is a grassy area. A few turns around a large block is plenty for an average dog. But there is no reason you couldn’t accompany your kid, an adult dog only needs to go out twice a day, morning and early evening – it’s puppies that can’t hold their bladder.
         I always say for first time dog owners, or dog owners that only had dogs as a child, be super mindful of the breed. Some people want a big active dog to go to the park with and exercise with, but neglect to think of what that dog is like during the week without daily runs or park time – hyper and destructive. I’ve always favored small to medium lazy breeds as more compatible for the lifestyle of a working parent – especially if they are of a small size that you can toss a ball across the room indoors and they get lots of exercise from that.

         1. Just a counterpoint – some giant dogs are suuuper lazy (think adult Newfies and Bernese Mt Dogs, NOT regular big dogs like German Shepherds and Labradors). That said, I’d make sure only to adopt one that already had great leash manners because you do not want your 80 pound 12 year old being dragged around by 160 pound dog.

            1. As a counterpoint, my German Shepherd is lazier than an elderly throw pillow. But we were very specific in what personality we wanted from our dog, so we did not simply look at the stereotypical descriptions of breeds in general and instead talked to lots of breeders and adopters about specific, individual dogs until we found the perfect one for us.

      3. Yes, 12 y.o.s are old enough to roam the mean streets of Arlington, VA accompanies by only a dog. It will depend on the 12 y.o. whether they will follow through with such a commitment.

      4. Biggest danger for kids probably won’t be texting drivers but danger from other dogs. Will they be able to handle themselves if they come across an aggressive dog off-leash that approaches yours? What kind of dog will you have? Will it be small enough that they can prevent it from charging and slipping off leash and endangering someone else’s pet?

      5. Another thing to consider is what you’ll plan to do when you all want to travel as a family. Where will the dog stay? I’d recommend having that talk with your husband before you get the dog. If he’s going to be opposed to putting the dog in a kennel (my DH is this way) then what’s the plan? (FWIW we’ve had good luck with Rover, so far.)

         Finding dog care adds another element to your vacation planning and the cost of the trip.

   3. Exercise will help whether it be with a dog walker or daycare. Have you done any obedience training with her? Great for bonding and manners. The mental stimulation can burn off energy too and you can practice any time. So it’s good for 10 minutes sessions when you don’t want to do another walk. Once she gets the basics down, you can teach her tricks and games. I also like using puzzles and treat toys to feed meals. Favorites are Ottosson puzzles and the Omega Tricky Treat ball.
      She’s not nearly old enough to do this yet, but I used a dog backpack loaded with light weight when walking a super high energy young adult dog. So that’s an option if she’s one of those breeds that’s going to be high energy for a long time.

   4. Dog walker is the best money spent. Keep in mind that with a fenced yard, your dog may still need supervision. This was a surprise to me. But I have to go out with mine because we’ve had coyotes jump the fence (it’s a high fence, too!). And because mine is only 13 lbs there is danger from hawks. I don’t think one would take him away but I’ve seen them dive for him and could definitely injure.

   5. A dog walker is definitely worth your money and saved lunch hours and to tire the pup out. A tired dog is a calm dog. They can also administer any midday medicine that is needed. Also keep in mind that as the dog gets older it can definitely stay crated the whole day, or confined to a small area in the home (ex. in a large bathroom, utility room basement). Four months is too young for the dog to hold its bladder the whole day.
      If you get a fenced in area with doggy door, take care to make sure that the fence goes down at least 6 inches into the ground to discourage digging. Dogs will usually give up after getting that far with a barrier.

   6. While getting a backyard and a doggie door is completely amazing, it’s important to keep a couple of things in mind. Back in our stupid twenties, our puppy was eaten by what we think was a mountain lion when we stayed out late on a Friday night. The big dog was not eaten but completely traumatized. We knew we live in an area with wildlife. We knew the puppy was prone to hanging out in the yard (5 ft fence and everything). We obviously should have crated at least the small young dog when we knew we’d be out late. Depending on size of your dog, this doesn’t just apply to the boonies. Raccoons, large birds, and coyotes have all been known to roam urban neighborhoods and eat small dogs (and chickens, cats, and rabbits). The other thing is you really have to pick up the poop. Again, back in the stupid twenties… we delayed this task to the point the garbage men refused to take our bin when we finally cleaned up. Rationale: we don’t dispose of dirt or bins over 40 lbs. Just embarrassing. Don’t be like us :(

      1. Thanks, this is helpful to consider. There is not a lot of wildlife where we live and she will end up being about 60 pounds so hopefully that won’t be a big concern. I don’t think we would use the yard as a substitute for care but more it would be nice not to have to take her somewhere to play fetch and run around. Our yard currently is not fenced and is maybe 3’ x 20’.

         1. We have a 50 lb dog and a yard. It’s awesome to have the space to play fetch with her in addition to walks and runs.

            For a dog that size though I would reconsider a dog door. Any dog door big enough for a 60 lb dog is likely also a human door.

      2. Also remember that doors that can be used to let your dog go out can also be used for critters like raccoons to come in. Ask me how I know . . .

   7. Puppy school! My dog loved it and it wore him out completely. Mental exertion is important too! We did the class at Petsmart- I think it was once a week for 6 or 8 weeks. It was fun and really beneficial.

   8. Get that pup enrolled in daycare! After adopting an 8-week-old while I was studying for the bar, my bf and I had second thoughts around the time I needed to start BigLaw. Having a daycare was great. If you’re in DC, a lot of providers have pick-up and drop-off options. I’m happy to send you some recs. Our provider never had more than 8 dogs (including her own) during a session, so the pups weren’t overwhelmed. It worked wonders for our pup. He’s now 60lbs and almost 2yo, but is the “playground favorite” because he plays super well with younger and smaller dogs as well as pups his own age and size. *beams in proud pup mom*

2. I used to live in Arlington and had a short (<1 mile) walk to the metro that I took to my job in DC. Door to seat-at-work, I used to allow for 45 minutes (which seems crazy for a commute of <4 miles). Rainy days were the worst since holding an umbrella was hard when schlepping my computer and dealing with metro card, work swipe card, etc.

   Fast forward and now I live in a SEUS city where I drive in a smaller city 2 miles to work in 15 minutes (stoplights). I have kids now, so I need a car due to school pickups (kids have been at 2 schools due to different ages). Summer caps proved to be another circle of mom-hell due in our city to them being more suburban than our elementary school / day care locations.

   I do not know how I would manage if I went back to a 45-min commute 2x/day (but I know many of you manage that with kids). My hat is off to people who have figured it out. I think this smaller-city commute is what allows me to work, have kids, and maintain my sanity (no local family here, but had no local family in DC either).

   1. I’m in the DC area now, and my family in Everywhere Else In America can’t believe that it takes me at least an hour to go the 8 miles to the office.

      We’re in the process of buying a house on the VA coast right now and we are so, so, so excited about escaping the madhouse. I love DC, and it was amazing, but wow does it wear on you.

      1. :raises hand: I get it. I lived in Atlanta and then moved to the coast. I can’t tell you how much it helps to decompress when your “traffic” is a drawbridge and you are looking out over a river or marsh.

   2. Big city commutes are just a different animal. I live in DC 2 miles from my office in another DC neighborhood. It is a 30-35 minute metro ride, depending on how I catch the first train that runs less often, or a 40 minute walk, or a 15 minute uber ride. I think this just highlights how great time-wise a driving commute is (no waiting for the train, no going out of your way, etc). My commuting method varies by day, with walking the first choice and metro as the second. I save uber for the days that I overslept or have a huge amount to carry.

      My old job was just over 3 miles from my house, but the commute was only 20 minutes because it was a straight shot on the metro.

      1. Oh I feel that… I used to commute from Cleveland Park to Crystal City (now whenever I talk about my Crystal City days I feel like an octogenarian talking about “back in my (pre-Amazon) day”).

         I’ve since left DC (but not before taking a job near Metro Center) and I agree. For me- DC was great while it lasted but it’s also so, so great to be out of DC

3. I love this. And that model – wow, she’s beautiful!

   1. +1,000

   2. I seriously love her hair!

      I saw a woman at an event the other week with naturally curly, gray hair, and I wanted to go up to her and tell her she was my hair icon.

   3. One of my major goals in life is to age this beautifully – granted she looks like she grayed prematurely and is actually quite young, but still. If I can make it to 50 with skin like this that is #goals.

      1. My thoughts exactly! She looks amazing.

         1. I want to be her when I grow up. I am not sure I could do this beautiful suit justice after seeing her in it.

4. Those of you who have used tretinoin, when does the peeling stop? Or does it stop? I started using it 6 weeks ago. My face doesn’t actually *hurt* anymore and the peeling is much less intense, but it’s still happening and it looks like I have stuff all over my face and it’s kind of embarrassing. I have stopped using it every night and now just do about every other night or so.

   1. it took me at least 2 months, with the same slow adjustment that you described. switching to every other night is smart, and it sounds like you’re getting there – just hold on! i remember the embarrassment about the flakes too but it will go away. and then your pharmacy will take a month to fill your refill prescription, like they did me, and i lost all the tolerance :(

   2. You can’t start off using it every night or you’ll get mad peeling. I ease into it with every 3rd night and then work up to every other night. My derm didn’t recommend using it every night.

      1. +1. I use it for acne. Make sure your face is really dry before you apply and use less than you think you should. I also switched to using the plain Aveeno oat bodywash as a face wash.

   3. UGH tretinoin woes

      why does it have to be so difficult!?!?!

      1. In what form are you using it? I had lots of peeling problems in the past, but now I use Renova, and I am not peeling. I probably use it about 5 times a week. I’ll skip it if I feel really dry.

5. What does one wear to a (Catholic) baptism in December? I have been to baptisms before, but always in the spring/summer. DH is the godfather and I would like to look nice, but all the outfits I’m coming up with are black and business-y. I’m in the Northeast, so definitely expecting cold weather.

   1. Can you wear something soft, like a sweater, and possibly a little sparkly or festive looking?

      Like a silvery sweater and even with black pants, put on sparkly shoes?

      I hate to say it, but Talbots seems to have “friendly” looking holiday / wear to church outfits. Maybe look at for visuals of ideas?

      1. Thanks, the sparkly sweater is a good idea and should be pretty easy to find this time of year. Or I have pinkish/blush sweater which I could pair with a black skirt without looking too severe.

   2. Sweater dress with tights and boots, sheath dress with a not-black/gray cardigan and tights. Agree with looking at Talbots for ideas.

   3. I’d do a sweater dress in a rich color (maybe burgundy or emerald?) with a pretty necklace and black tights and booties. Maybe something like this if the length will work for you:

      https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-fit-flare-sweater-dress/4753309?origin=coordinating-4753309-0-4-PDP_1-recbot-also_viewed&recs_placement=PDP_1&recs_strategy=also_viewed&recs_source=recbot&recs_page_type=product&recs_seed=4788249

6. I’m celebrating my fortieth on December the 23rd, 2019. This morning my husband suggested we plan a vacation to celebrate and asked for ideas. Do y’all have any ideas?

   1. Santa Barbara!

   2. Any limits on destination or time to spend there given the date?

   3. I would make it a bucket-list type trip like the one-week trip on the Orient-Express or an Antarctica cruise.

      1. +1 to the Antarctic cruise!

   4. Blackberry Farm!

   5. Vienna/Prague are easy and beautiful that time of year. Personally, the Christmas week trips I am trying to decide between for next year are Oman and Colombia. Just depends on the kind of trip you want to have and how long you have to get there.

   6. Paris
      Lanai
      Australia/NZ
      Peru
      Blackberry Farm always sounds good!

7. I’m coming here to ask this because I’ve been reading this site for 10 years now and I know the community is smart and thoughtful and respectful and I hope the responses are in keeping with that. I am a true-blue, dyed-in-the-wool liberal living in a West Coast city and I loathe the president, but I find that I’m actually quite in the middle on the issue of immigration and I agree with some of his more rational policy points. Specifically, about the discussion around the migrant caravan at the border. I understand that a lot of people are fleeing horrible conditions in Central America and that thousands of people within the caravan intend to claim asylum upon reaching the U.S. But I’m also finding that this issue gives me pause in a way that I am unfamiliar with. Children shouldn’t be teargassed, sure, but also thousands of people rushing the border and border control is a provocation. I am legitimately concerned about border security, the legitimacy of all of the asylum claims (which under current law, would be processed over a number of years while folks in the meantime are allowed into the U.S. unfettered if my understanding is correct), and the need to make sure our system and infrastructure are adequately set up to deal with this influx of immigrants. The numbers are historically higher than they have ever been. And I don’t necessarily agree with the commentators equating the migrant caravan with Jewish refugees during the Holocaust, for example, because I think that’s too simplistic of an analogy. Basically I am sympathetic to the plight of the migrants in the caravan and I’m saddened about the conditions of the world that brought them here, but I don’t necessarily think it’s evil to deny them access into the U.S. until we figure out what to do.
   Am I totally off base here? And if so (or even if not) can anyone recommend any thoughtful, nuanced media takes on this issue so I can continue to broaden my views?

   1. Can you explain why you don’t think it’s comparable to Jewish refugees being turned away early in or prior to the Holocaust? I mean, the Holocaust didn’t start with death camps on day 1.

      1. Besides the ethics of it, I would think just the numbers would be a ton more. Not just with these refugees, but with the next group once we accepted these. With Jewish refugees, it was a finite number, not tons of countries’ entire populations.

         1. It was give or take 6 million people who could have been saved.

      2. Not OP, but I think part of the issue is that the migrants in caravan strategically swarmed to have better chances of getting through, and many if not most are from Central America and so passed through many other countries where they could have taken refuge (depending on the reason for the migration) but chose to swarm the U.S. border. And Jewish refugees were seeking asylum for physical safety. Large portions of the migrants in the current situation are coming for economic opportunity which clearly does not carry the immediacy of migratory need. I am fully aware that many are escaping gang persecution in home countries, fair enough, but not nearly all.

         1. “Swarm” is a really interesting word choice. Classic use of dehumanizing language. Bees swarm. Humans travel together for safety as they exercise their legal rights.

            1. Yeah, that caught my eye, too. I am most certainly no expert on immigration and generally listen rather than participate in debates about the deficiencies in our immigration system and ways to improve it. Not generally a fan of speaking when I don’t feel educated on factual or policy details. That said, what really bothers me about Trump’s approach (and those who think like him) is the effort to dehumanize these people- in the caravan and all others as well. These words– swarm, wave, invaders, flooding, illegals, illegal aliens– are all meant to dehumanize. Swarm in particular evokes insects, infestation– some type of overwhelming presence that will kill its host. The people who use words like this and who speak callously about individuals who are seeking asylum– how much do you love your family? What would you do to keep them safe or give them better opportunities? Does that mean I want “open borders”? No. I’m not making a policy suggestion. It’s a value choice–I choose to view these people as people– not as invaders, a swarming mass, or “illegals.” (When was the last time you heard someone who got arrested for possession called “an illegal”?) I don’t see trump displaying a shred of human empathy or compassion. That’s what’s gross.

         2. Why are we all being so political? This is a FASHION blog, and none of you (ecexept a few) have comment on how cute the J Crew model is, and how stunning the suit is on her! I personally hope to be that cute when I go gray, but for now, I still have all my hair and it is all blond naturally! YAY, but I can’t seem to be able to keep up or understand the young milleneals who just want to hook up for a night then walk away! That is the problem we need to fix, not all of these political discussions. Yes, we are all smart, but no, we are not policy makers in the government. FOOEY!

      3. Sure. So as sss mentioned, the numbers of people that we’re talking about today are a ton more, and none of the policy discussion about immigration in the U.S. today focuses on the migrants as a finite population or a discrete group – it’s all open borders, let’s take everyone who may have been threatened or persecuted or a victim of domestic violence in their lifetime. Part of that is due to the political polarization in this country, I think – you’ve got the Democrats on one side demanding open borders/abolish ICE and the Republicans on the other clamoring to build a wall and keep them all out. There’s no one in the middle anymore talking sensibly about it, I think. So that’s part of it. Another reason I think the analogy is too simplistic is because there isn’t a comparable threat in my view. Leading up to the Holocaust you saw specific targeting of the Jewish population in Eastern Europe aimed at their culture and their religion. I’m obviously aware that the Holocaust didn’t start with death camps on day 1, but it did start with years of propaganda, exclusion, disenfranchisement, loss of economic power, and violence directed against Jewish people (and largely only Jewish people) specifically because of their faith. In my opinion, the conditions in the home countries of many of the migrants in the caravan are not comparable.

         1. Another difference is something that Anonymous, below, touches on. It seems to me like a lot of migrants are bypassing other safe and viable options, like Mexico, and heading straight for the U.S. even when they reach places of refuge before getting to the border. This strikes me as quite a bit different than the Holocaust, when Germany was invading large swaths of Europe and there was no other option than the U.S. because most countries had stopped accepting refugees.

         2. I don’t think most Democrats want open borders, and ICE is a 18 year old construct so most of the country’s immigration history existed long before it. I’m one that for instance, that favors protecting our borders but thinking we should allocate more dollars to whoever needs to process whether these are legitimate claims of asylum.

            1. Exactly. No. Democrats are not advocating open borders. Abolishing ICE doesn’t mean open borders. At all.

            2. And it’s more rebuild ICE, not abolish. From what I hear from acquaintances familiar with ICE, it’s pretty dysfunctional. Their work needs to be done, but it can be done in a more humane and probably more effective and efficient way.

               I honestly don’t care much about immigration, it does not have a big impact on most of our lives. I read an article somewhere that referred to the ideal border would be a “wall” (figurative wall) with a big gate. I think that’s what I would prefer – controlled immigration, but make it easier to get in, to some extent. It’s ridiculous right now.

               And maybe we should also think about how the US encourages people to come here illegally – I’m looking at everyone who hires an off-the-books gardener or nanny, or companies that hire undocumented construction workers and meat-packers. Those companies break the law, too, and should not just keep getting away with a slap on the wrist.

         3. This is not serious, right? There are people who advocate open borders, sure, but it’s not the stance of any major political figure in the US. That is in your head.

            I mean, it’s not such a crazy idea. The US has effectively had open borders for the vast majority of our country’s history (see also: amnesties, we did a a dozen times for white people in the late 19th/early 20th century, somehow the country survived). But it’s not on the table politically right now, at all.

   2. One thing I don’t know is whether there are any viable options other than the US in central or south america. Panama? Colombia (my SIL is Colombian and her home city has always seemed safe and prosperous enough to me)? Chile? Peru? Why does it have to be the US? And I know the Mexico is generally more dangerous, yet there are probably safe places within Mexico (without the language barrier that you have in the US), no?

      Could Canada absorb some of these people?

      And what will happen to people in Venezuela (who probably couldn’t walk to the border but are in dire straights)?

      1. Canada is currently trying to absorb thousands of illegal boarder crossers coming from the US or via the US. This is a huge issue as our enforcement agencies are not able to cope. Plus, they are taking away resources from LEGAL refugees/immigrants.

         It seems to me that times have changed and most people no longer want to help build up their countries. They find it easier to run away and mooch of established countries. As has been proven in Europe, most of these “refugees” are actually economic migrants and there are more solitary males than families.

         At least Trump is doing something. Our Fearless (completely incompetent party-boy) Leader is just waving them in.

         1. Squiggles – you cannot be serious. If you are, just move to the US and leave the rest of us in peace.

            K, thx bye!

            1. Yes I am serious and why should I leave this gorgeous country? How about you leave this country or look at a different news source than the Toronto Star/CBC? That way you can see the RCMP carrying the illegals luggage. How about you check out the camp in QC. Toronto has been renting hotels to place these people as there is no more room in the shelters. Why should the taxpayers pay for this? Why should Canadians be paying for this and not helping out their own unfortunate? The vets are getting short shrift, but hey! roll out the welcome mat to illegals.

               You must be a peach to completely dismiss someone who has a different opinion than you.

      2. On a per capita basis, Canada accepts far, far more immigrants than the US does already.

         1. Yes, this. Canada is already absorbing a ton of people (including, as Squiggles mentioned, folks crossing the US-Canada border outside of designated border crossings, although I don’t share her feelings about those people).

   3. No answers for you, but I’m having pretty much the same confusion. Hate Trump, but also this is a problem and we have to do something or it will keep happening. I also think with declining US birth rates, we need people to come here, we could take advantage of this? It’s so complex and we’re wasting time on outrage, rather than solutions. I think working with Mexico to help them absorb some of these people is part of that solution. Man, I just can’t fathom how horrible it would be for me to just take my toddler and literally walk away from my whole life.

   4. Well, you’re just wrong legally speaking. They are entitled to present themselves at the border and seek asylum. This isn’t some hostile radical act, they aren’t violent criminals, and it isn’t hard to manage.

   5. I am with you and will follow to see what people recommend. I don’t have a suggestion for a deep policy piece, but recommend looking at the National Review’s coverage of the longstanding use of tear gas at the border from yesterday, particularly the piece from David French about how media coverage influences our perspectives. Jim Geraghty’s piece is informative background.

   6. If you’re saying you disagree with current law, then i think the thing to do is to work to change the law. But current law says these refugees are allowed to apply for asylum in the US. So as long as that is the law, we should be allowing them in as they apply and wait for a decision. Not tear gassing them at the border. No one, not even POTUS and INS, is above the law.

   7. Agree with Trump on this one. We can’t take everyone just because they economically want to be here. There’s people in other parts of the world wanting to be here too — they don’t just swim to America, demand asylum and walk around the country for years until their court date which they may or may not show up for. And sorry but these people are ridiculously uneducated even in their own language. A banker from Asia will learn how to speak English; someone with an 8th grade education from Guatemala – likely they never learn and we end up shelling out more money for ESL. Awful as Trump’s behavior is – it’s working; at least some part of the population will think twice once they realize their kid could be taken, they’d be in a camp for months etc.

      1. Where is the supporting data for your gross generalization regarding their education level or ability to become productive members of U.S. society? And just how much money are we “shelling out for ESL” right now? Lastly, your suggestion that inhumane behavior (teargas-ing legal asylum seekers) is justified because “it’s working” is disgusting.

         1. Immigrants commit lower levels of crime, so indeed they *are* productive members of society!

      2. Man, this gave me chills/shudders. Some of them *do* swim (and drown) – see for example, Cubans or the refugees heading to Europe like that poor boy washed up on the shore. As awful as the family separation has been, you don’t walk on foot for 2,000 miles with your toddler unless the place you are leaving really.is.that.unimaginable. Consider what you are leaving behind if you know that could possibly be facing you and yet you still leave, if it means you or your child could have the sliver of hope for something better or safer, even if that means you never see your child again.

         I honestly pray for sympathetic hearts because it’s sympathetic hearts that inspire the brains to come together to find a workable solution. And I pray that your family and loved ones are never fleeing for safety or the promise of hope and denied. And I pray in thanks for those that let *my* family in, that employed them, that gave them grace for the cultural differences and learning curve. (And I should think that *every* American has this to be thankful for at some point in their family history, unless you are Native American.)

         Signed,
         Proud child of immigrants who pays more in taxes than my parents ever earned in income and whose grandparents never learned English but who came here for a better life.

         1. +1

         2. +1000. I know it sounds flippant, but I really think everyone should watch Jane the Virgin to get a sense of what “illegal immigration” looks like.

   8. Since you asked for good sources: This article has a lot of good reporting about how these entry points have vastly reduced the number of people allowed across each day, which has resulted in a chaotic situation: https://www.vox.com/2018/11/28/18089048/border-asylum-trump-metering-legally-ports

      You also mention “historically higher” numbers. Here’s a good overview of the statistics: http://www.ncsl.org/research/immigration/snapshot-of-u-s-immigration-2017.aspx

      There’s a lot in your post that I find very distressing, because your words show you are a thoughtful person. It’s scary for me because it shows me that other thoughtful, educated people feel this way (as evidenced by other posts).

      I just don’t know how to persuade people that the results of immigration — probably even this kind of immigration — are overwhelmingly positive. I feel so lucky that my parents had the legal opportunity to come to the US. One hundred years earlier, they would have come without papers — like everyone did. We’re a big country. We have room for people who want to work hard. And people who are making this journey are not lazy.

      1. Thanks for this, Moonstone, and others who suggested reading on this issue (and who contributed thoughtfully to the discussion.) I’m kind of distressed myself about it, honestly, because my views on this are sharply divergent from my friends and others in my life who I respect, and I’ve been grappling with whether that’s because we just view a complicated issue differently, or if some unconscious bias of my own is skewing my perspective on this. I’m looking forward to reading up more about this and continuing to question my views.

         1. What a gracious response! It’s such a hot-button issue, I understand that it’s hard to dig deeper and I appreciate that you are making that effort.

8. Fashion help, please. I have been lost about winter casual clothes since at least 2016 when tall brown boots and jeans went out. What’s your “mom on the go” weekend look for cool weather? Specifics greatly appreciated. Thank you!!

   1. Leggings and long sweater/sweatshirt (Athleta-style)

      1. Seconding this. Or, tunic tee and duster cardigan over it with scarf.

   2. Replace tall brown boots with short brown booties or “hip” tennis shoes. Done.

   3. 1) skinny jeans, tunic type top, and/or long cardigan, scarf, wedge shoes or booties. (I like fly London)

      2) casual skirt, tights, cowgirl boots, similar tops to #1

      Leggings are a last resort for me but on the coldest days I will wear them rather than tights with low boots and socks, with a skirt or a couple of washable merino sweater dresses that I have that fall above knee.

   4. Skinny jeans or leggings + long sleeved tee or loose sweater + fun Keds or ankle booties + big scarf + leather moto jacket. I just got the jacket and it makes me feel awesome every time I put it on.

   5. For just normal weekend activities, I default to lots of sweater dresses and ankle boots. I tend to look for shorter dresses so they don’t read too dowdy, but I’m not a mom so I don’t have to run after anyone. Any tights at Nordstrom Rack will be fine unless you are outside a lot, at which point I pick up fleece tights.

      1. Michael Stars thermal long-sleeved tee under a long cardigan, skinny jeans and lace-up Sorel wedge boots is my leaving-the-house uniform. At home, I wear a ton of Athleta long sweatshirt-type things over leggings.

9. Does anyone have experience driving for a ride share company? DH recently left his full-time job to focus on his side hustle and is considering driving for Uber or Lyft to occasionally get out of the house and supplement some income (I make more than enough for us to live on, but the loss of his former salary means we don’t have the flexibility for discretionary spending and travel like we used to). Advice? Words of encouragement? Horror stories?

   1. My FIL does it and loves it, but it suits him because he’s happy to talk to anybody, ever, and likes to drive. I think in combination with a side hustle it would be awesome!

   2. My Hubs did this for a while as a way to make money in his spare time. He only drove during surge pricing times and special events (once he made $150 an hr during a special event in the city on a holiday weekend). Over time, he didn’t feel like it was worth it, but primarily because he was afraid of his nice car getting ruined. If you have a decent looking beater car, or a mid-range car that is easily cleaned, it’s worth it. Or invest in leather seat covers and floor mats, and only start pick ups in nicer areas to stay a bit safer (you can’t choose where you drop off, but you can choose where to start rides off).

   3. Really carefully consider your vehicle and projected expenses vs opportunities for profitability. I’ve known a few people who have done Uber as a side-hustle and liked it, but they treated it like a business. My brother drove an SUV that qualified for Uber XL, which really helped as he would start in the wealthier suburbs and aim for long runs into the city center at the XL rate, and go out there early to do airport runs in the mornings. A former employee of ours drove Uber Black at night and eventually started operating his own limo service. My friend drove a Prius for Lyft and she had little-to-no gas expense, which worked in her favor. I’ve heard that straight up UberX drivers with normal cars turn over pretty often because they have a harder time making enough to make driving worthwhile.

   4. I have a friend who became disabled due to a chronic illness and can no longer hold an office job. She drives Lyft when she has good days. It’s not a full time income but it supplements her husband’s income and her meager disability payments, and seems to keep her family afloat. She has the advantage of living near a major airport so most of the drives she accepts are from the airport to the city, and then from the city to the airport.

      If you ever have an Uber or lyft driver who doesn’t get out and help with your luggage, please consider that they might be like my friend. She’s mostly unable to stand or walk, unfortunately, but can drive.

   5. you MUST tell your insurance company (or get new coverage for the rideshare vehicle) and use the premium change to help the cost-benefit analysis.

      (I love busting people who get into accidents then lie to me about uber/lyfting)

      1. I don’t think people know or realize this or maybe they do and they ignore it? When I mention it to people, they claim I’m totally wrong. Yet when I bought my car and got insurance at a major carrier – they read disclosures on the phone and one was clearly that any harm incurred while driving for ride share companies was not covered.

      2. Why do you love “busting people” – that’s rather heartless and cruel. I used to do that work too and felt bad for people because they usually didn’t know better. The riders aren’t expensive so it’s not like they’re getting away with much. Perhaps reconsider your reaction, I’m rather disgusted by it.

   6. At least in my area, you can make more money driving for UberEats than Uber. Less flexibility (you sign up for “shifts” a few days in advance) but much less competition and you don’t have to worry about other people banging up your car.

10. OMG — I did not realize how old she is. She was born during WW2! She is still working (at a job that would probably kill me). And is there a picture of her aging somewhere?

    I feel like I must know all of her secrets now. [I am generally apolitical. But I am impressed.]

    1. She wears 4 inch heels and can walk in them. I gave up heels before I was 40.

       1. I gave up on them at 30.

    2. Omg I had no idea. Looked it up- she’s been married longer than my parents have been alive! Wow!

    3. It’s a lot of very VERY good plastic surgery and daily professional hair/makeup.

    4. That’s why I’m glad we’re getting so much new blood of women politicians this year, who have 20 to 30 yrs or more (Ocasio looking at you!) of service to give. As the old guard retires it’s great to have increased female representation taking up their post.

       1. Lol yes bring on the socialists. And bonus points if they’re bartenders, community college grads, or college drop outs — all represented in the new exciting female young guard. Those ivy grads are just too much into their book learnin’.

          1. Please go away.

             1. Why? No one is allowed to disagree? Because the above is accurate – the new female crew does include drop outs and bartenders.

             2. And those people are Americans, and deserve representation too, regardless of their education or station in life. Why not?

             3. Oh, shove it. You know perfectly well why your comment was rude and unnecessary. Don’t play dumb.

             4. Again with this nonsense. No one is saying that there is NO DISAGREEMENT ON CORPOR*TTE.
                It’s that you’re being a jerk and you know it. Do you know what a straw man argument is? You appear to be computer literate, so go look it up.

          2. No one specified a party just happiness at more female lawmakers. Reference to Ocasio related to her age (she’s not even 30!). Stop making this about wtv politics you believe and allow a brief celebration for advancement of women. Not anyone’s fault that one party simply has far more women politicians than the other.

             I agree with above, please go away.

             1. Agreed, go away.

                Also, I love how East Coast dems are so often labeled elitist but Ocasio-Cortez’s bartending to support her and her mother after her father’s death is somehow a negative? I don’t agree 100% with all of her policy positions but her life story up to now is pretty impressive.

    5. I agree that it is impressive. But to put it in context, I know a lot of biglaw partners who are about her age or older. None of the old male partners I know seem to retire until they are forced to or die – one of the many signs that I was not meant to be a partner since I’m already looking forward to my retirement that is about 30 years away. I also think a lot of CEOs work in to their 70s, but I would have to check that. I have the sense that people who largely define themselves by their job have a harder time retiring.

11. Struggling with what to get our elderly aunts. They live in a small space, have everything they need, and don’t leave their condo much anymore. Thinking of making a donation in their name to a local LGBT org (they are gay). Good idea, or lame?

    1. Really sweet.

    2. This depends on your aunts. Some folks I know LOVE this kind of gift, and others really don’t like it. I’m all for it, but if they wouldn’t like this, then maybe an in-house service like a manicurist that comes to them, or something like Uber Eats so they could order in sometimes. If you live close, maybe they’d like a meal cooked by you or a special outing with you. I sometimes take my elderly grandfather out to lunch or dinner, and he’s always so so excited about this as a gift.

    3. Donations in someone’s name are nice, but unless the recipient is a real supporter of the specific org, I think it often feels like “oh that’s nice, thanks” and less special (as the recipient). I’d give a gift that they can enjoy together, an experiential or consumable gift that won’t take up space. Spa services, or if they are active, maybe a picnic basket set for hikes (with wine and fancy nuts or something included), horse back riding lessons, ax throwing gift certificate.

       1. Someone please give me an ax-throwing gift certificate.

12. I want to start coloring my hair to cover the grays. I’ve got at most 10% gray near my face, but I feel self-conscious and I can see the grays in photos. Do I ask my hair person for single process? Highlights? These are things that I see on the services menu on the website at my salon. I thought what I wanted was semi-permanent or demi-permanent color, but I don’t see that as an option. Is semi-permanent color the type of color that would be used for single process or highlights?

    Please explain to this hair color newbie!!!

    1. Semi or demi permanent color is typically a single-process color. You can do it by itself or with highlights.

    2. I recommend having a consultation the next time you go in for a haircut. Bring photos. That way the colorist can see your hair and your goal and help you book the right service and the right amount of time. Personally I’m blending greys with balayage (hand painted highlights) but if you don’t want to be blonder it may not be the technique for you.

13. The new icon on the browser tab is almost exactly the same as the one for The Cut and I keep getting confused during my procrastination web browsing :P

    1. Yes! But with The Cut going to subscription, I’m sure I won’t make this mistake much longer.

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