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Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Cat
YAY for the early post time!
In search of gift ideas for grandparents – in their 90s in assisted living in not-great health. Until recently they really liked escaping “off campus” for meals, so restaurant gift cards were a hit, but no longer (same with consumable treats). They have more “stuff” than they know what to do with (including cozy throws) and neither has ever been particularly intellectual (so books, puzzles, etc are no good). Grandma is selfish so an attempt at a donation to a (COMPLETELY noncontroversial) charity didn’t go over well. What’s my best bet here – sending flowers?? Budget is $50.
Anonymous
My MIL liked a coffee subscription, because the coffee at her place is dreadful. We did 3 months of Peet’s.
Ellen
I gave both Grandma Leyeh and Grandma Trudy electronic foot warmers. They both like to sit and watch TV, so they are NOT moving around a lot, and their feet get cold. These foot warmers are available on line or at Macy’s and even Bed Bath or Beyond. Not that expensive either, I think maybe $69.95 plus tax and shipping. I have one for myself at home b/c I love to sit and watch TV or at my computer billing my cleints. YAY!!!
Anon
Can you upgrade/replace something they use regularly that might be wearing out, like comfy slippers with grippy soles? They probably can’t have candles, but maybe some other scented thing like an essential oil diffuser? Is there an activity they like that you could contribute something to, like a few classic movies on DVD if they watch a lot of TV, or a nice checkers/backgammon/chess set if they play board games? A fancy basket of their favorite snacks, or gift card to a restaurant they like that delivers?
waffles
Following because we have the same challenge every year for my father-in-law.
We normally buy lottery tickets for him, new pillows, aftershave or cologne. I would really love some new ideas too.
S
I’m getting my FIL, who really hates most material possessions in general, a Bug-A-Salt this year. It’s a shotgun you load with regular table salt and murder flies with. It has a laser sight and everything.
Anon
My S.O. is in love with this thing. I don’t understand the fascination but the guy is excited about it.
mascot
Ooh, laser sight is an upgrade. We have the manual sight version. My only complaint with ours is that it can be a little hard to work the pump action. Which is great for safety with little kids, but may be frustrating for an adult with limited mobility/grip strength. Otherwise, it’s a fun gift.
Anonymous
Do they enjoy novelties? My grandparents often enjoyed small creative gifts they could show others. (This applies to flowers too: a flower they’d never seen before or hadn’t seen in years would go over better.)
Pompom
Or if you know what they were, flowers that are the same as/similar to Grandma’s wedding bouquet (if she had one).
cat socks
Flowers with a heartfelt card? Are you able to visit them in person and/or take them out for a nice meal?
Anon
Movies? A new sweater or somesuch?
espresso bean
My grandparents are in a similar situation. They really liked photo calendars with a different pic of the family for each month. Framed pics are also a hit, but they’re running out of room, so the calendar was nice because it was also functional (and they often forget what day or month it is, so this served as a friendly reminder).
They also like anything they can share with their friends. My grandma used to love to bake and share cookies. She can’t do that anymore, but if I bring her smaller individually wrapped treats she can hand them out and spread love in a similar way.
Vicky Austin
+1 on the family photo calendar. Easy to put together in shutterfly or some such. My dad has five siblings, and his sister put together one for their parents about ten years ago. Each sibling was highlighted on one month’s page, and she made up themes for the remaining months and put all the family birthdays and anniversaries on it.
Em
Or an electronic picture frame that you can load pictures to beforehand.
Pompom
I send my similarly situated Nana a wreath or centerpiece or tiny tree from LLBean.
I send a lot of people greenery from LLBean, actually.
Anon
+1 to greenery. Real wreaths to hang on their door, a small centerpiece or display for their table, a table top tree. Anything to give them that pine-y smell.
Or, since they’re in their 90s, they may have had those ceramic trees that everyone had in the 60s. Google “ceramic Christmas tabletop tree with multicolored lights” and you’ll see what I mean. That might be a good gift to evoke nostalgia, esp if you can talk to your parent and see if they or their friends actually had one back then.
SW
These are making a comeback! I bought one from a local ceramic shop on Small Business Saturday.
anon
They’ve had these at my local Hallmark the last couple of years.
Anon
Have you ever tried unintellectual books? My grandma loved a good bodice ripper- it had to have a tart it tartan on the cover. And Outlander was the biggest hit in years with my impossible to shop for grandpa.
Idea
This is hilarious and yes I learned all about romance novels from scanning my grandma’s shelves and now I love them! Ha!
Annie
Do they listen to music? My grandma liked a small CD player and some of her favorite music (that she used to have on records) in this situation.
Cat
Ooh thanks for all the ideas so far, ladies!
Unfortunately we don’t live close to them (it’s a connecting-flight-across-the-country situation) and they are on a carefully managed diet.
They’re not coffee drinkers but a nice tea assortment could work! I also like the photo calendar and movie/other DVD ideas.
anon
My grandmother lived to be 103. Until she was 100, she loved chocolates but then I noticed she was no longer eating them. After that, I stuck to lotion and chewing gum and cards.
JS
My Grandmother is obsessed with the Bonsai tree I got her last year. This year she wants Ugg slippers – great because of the grippy soles. She also asked for dry shampoo because she isn’t getting her hair done as often as she is used to anymore.
Senior Attorney
My parents are in that situation and I send a Christmasy floral arrangement.
Anonymous
FIL likes getting fruit of the month delivered, or fresh citrus if you want to do a 1 time thing. I think for him fresh citrus in the winter still feels like a luxury.
Anonymous
We have had luck with:
Stocking full of small items (scented lotions, fancy soaps, fuzzy socks, snacks in cute little packages, etc.)
Framed photos
Photo book of your kids, if applicable
DVD of an old comedy act that Grandma used to love watching on TV
A simple game such as Apples to Apples. This works best if you give it in person and play it with them.
Electronic clutter
What do you all do with electronic clutter? When I was single, I had a personal laptop computer that I kept in a dresser drawer (but I usually worked at work then and now WFH a lot in the evenings now that I have kids). More importantly, I also have a spouse and the man electronic clutter is maddening (I will not go into the AV equipment; that is perhaps a blog in itself, never mind another post).
Currently, we need to charge 3 phones daily (in the kitchen, as there is a counter near outlets and where we keep our keys; no phones are in bedrooms overnight); we each have a laptop and we each bring home a work laptop. There is a desktop computer somewhere that I hate and refuse to use. Our children use my laptop for schoolwork a few times a week, but not daily. As they get slightly older, we will get gizmo watches (middle school, and later phones for them (and I am opposed to having kids have the phones in there rooms overnight, at least until they show they can have good electronics hygiene). They have chromebooks at school, so I don’t think we’d go up in computers unless they bring their school computers home overnight (which doesn’t happen in middle school but am unsure re high school).
How do you manage all of this electronic clutter? [At school, there are chromebook charging cabinets and I’d almost like something nice in wood cabinetry to deal with charging cords, keeping stuff in a place where it’s not lost or spilled on, etc.] My ideal house is semi- luddite with no computers or stuff out unless it is in use (sort of like one does with cordless drills — you pack it in its container and put it away when you are done).
Currently we have a large dining room table that we eat at when we are sitting down for a meal at the same time and otherwise we use for homework. I don’t have a home office for a variety of reasons (prefer working on comfy couches; desks are inevitably too small; I like having to pack up my work when I am done for the day vs leaving visual clutter in my house) (FWIW, my office is a disaster largely b/c I don’t have to tidy it up for a co-purposed space shared with children who spill things)).
Anonymous
How about a charging station/dock for things that need to be charged? There are a ton of options out there that can hold everything from phones to laptops.
We have a home office so our laptops stay in there.
KonMari Addict
I think you should get a dedicated cabinet with shelves for all your electronics. Many now have a cut out for an electrical cord. Put a power strip inside and use sticky cord organizers to designate a spot for each item when not in use. Have a charging spot for your phones on top. Maybe you can do this in a kitchen cabinet or set it up as a sideboard near the dining table? Also can you get rid of the desktop?
Anon
That’s actually one of the main reasons I chose a desktop (also price).
I share DH’s phone charger, which probably bugs him, but not as much as it bugged me to have multiple chargers. His work cell and charger are stuck in a dark corner unless he’s on call, because he resents them so much.
No kids, but guests are mostly expected to keep electronics in the guest room, and if they leave them some place I dislike (the splash board of the sink, the heirloom hutch) I will calmly say, “I’m putting you thingamajig back on your bed.”
Holiday gifts
Who do you purchase holiday gifts for?
I only normally get gifts for my immediate family (parents and siblings) and any significant other (plus, as appropriate, joint gifts for his family). (I also do a year end gift for my assistant, but that is more a bonus than a gift). But some of my friends are proposing to do a gift exchange this year, and I just can’t get excited about it. We all just generally buy what we want and it just seems destined to end up with getting gifts I don’t want and wasting money. But maybe I’m just not in the holiday sprite, and I should just get on board.
Anon
Literally nobody except my kids and my BFF’s kids.
anon
Immediate family, generally, but no one gets too worked up about it. If I see something that a particular friend would like, I might get it, or maybe something small but thoughtful/consumable. I have a group of friends that does white elephant- it’s an easy way to be festive and everyone just has to buy one thing. We do a $25 limit. Everyone brought great stuff last year.
Cat
The amount of attention in the blog world to “gifts for your girlfriends” seems way out of proportion to how many people I know actually exchange gifts with their adult friends. Mid 30’s.
Anonymous
Seriously — I don’t want presents from anyone. I really want to get together for dinner/drinks/lunch with my p eople, which will cost the same but be something I really look forward and back on with love.
CountC
+1,000 I still haven’t managed to convince my mother that I neither want nor need anything tangible!!
Anon
My girlfriends are big gift-giving people in general and I have convinced them we should all save our money on stuff, buy good wine (for us, bottles in the $50-70 range) and drink them together. That time together is way more valuable than a random “thoughtful” trinket.
CPA Lady
My mom, my sister, my husband, my kid, my sister’s kids, my husband’s sibling’s kids (he gets these). Really the only reason my sister and I still exchange gifts is because we typically buy each other the stuff we feel self conscious asking our husbands for (really expensive lipsticks, purses, etc.)
Vicky Austin
I love that idea for sister gifts though.
Anon
I do something similar with by sisters. I was feeling grinchy and was close to suggesting that we cut it out (because we just buy items from each other’s wish lists, there isn’t an element of surprise) when I realized that our gifts to my one sister were the best gifts she got every year. Her husband and kids suck at gift giving.
Anonymous
I might be your sister? #charitystartsathome
Dogs and vacations
DH and kid, my parents (DH’s parents have passed away) and my nieces and nephews. Not siblings anymore. Holiday shopping always starts off feeling like a chore. If I can get those gifts done, then usually I start to feel the spirit, and then I go to a small business for anything else. I’ve given one or two coworkers small ($15 or under) things because I was in a cheerful mood, but I wouldn’t have done it otherwise. It was more about making myself happier, really.
Seafinch
We play Santa for our kids (one small gift), nothing directly from us, as parents. My BFF is a huge giver so I do her family. I send my nieces and nephews something. No adult gift giving other than my Dad (his love language is gift giving and he feels ignored). We ignore in-laws and my mother, though I spoil my mother when we are together and I usually see her in December, this year I think I will splurge on an afternoon at an expensive Scandinavian outdoor spa for us. I am a federal government lawyer and will give my shared assistant (among more than a dozen lawyers) a $25 gift card. I am the only one who does this.
Cat
So when your kids stop believing in Santa, they won’t receive any Christmas gifts from you? This approach seems really unusual to me!
Anonymous
I love this approach. It reminds me of St. Nick’s day.
Anonymous
I love giving people gifts. To me it’s not at all about what they are getting me. My closest 7 friends all get gifts as do my closest 3 coworkers.
Gail the Goldfish
My parents, my brother, my in-laws, my secretary, and an experience gift for my friend’s kids that live locally (last year we took them to one of the local museums). My brother is usually just a gift card and secretary is usually just a visa card. DH and I stopped exchanging gifts years ago because anything we really want/need we just buy throughout the year. We usually just go to dinner with out local friends one weekend in December in lieu of presents. For years, a group of close friends from high school would exchange gifts (we are spread out over the globe and christmas is about the only time we see each other), but we’ve unofficially given up on that I think. I love baking, so I will make fancy holiday-themed sugar cookies and give them out to various people which I guess counts as a gift, but nothing big.
CountC
Parents and sister/BIL. We stopped exchanging gifts with my uncles in England once we became adults. I can’t recall ever exchanging gifts with my mom’s brother in NM (only seen him in person once in my life).
My close girlfriends and I don’t generally exchange gifts because people have other things to spend their money on (kids, wedding, retirement/savings) and gifts aren’t important to our friendships. Instead we do a group brunch or get together. Time with them is far more important to me than a gift. I usually give my bff’s son money for his college fund on his birthday, so probably won’t do anything for him for Christmas until he gets old enough to understand and appreciate what is going on for more than 30 minutes.
Vicky Austin
Parents, two siblings, husband, one or two super-close friends, husband’s family (which equals like 9 gifts because he’s very close with a lot of extended family members) and a couple of husband’s friends. We also have four (!) immediate family birthdays in the two weeks either side of Christmas.
BabyAssociate
Ideally, no one. If we’re doing a family Christmas that year, I’ll get one thing for white elephant in the $30-50 range. I’m not particularly interested in giving/receiving gifts as an adult and there are no kids in my family.
anon
My kid, my parents, DH’s parents and step-parents, our 7(!) young nieces and nephews, my cousin’s daughter, 2 of our friends’ kids, and a family gift (food) for DH’s aunt, uncle, and cousins. DH and I usually buy one large item or experience for both of us.
The past few years, we’ve made food gifts based mostly on things from our garden (changes every year, but things like dried herbs, salt blends, hot sauce, pepper jelly, limoncello), and those have gone to friends, coworkers, and siblings who we don’t usually buy for. They’re small gifts–we don’t make all of that every year, and nobody receives everything we make–and we enjoy making them and don’t expect gifts in return. Unfortunately, for a variety of reasons, we don’t have capacity to do it this year, but I might bake something to share if the mood strikes.
NOLA
Officially, nobody? But I do buy a few. I have some friends who are like family and I usually try to buy them something for their house, like a piece of artwork that they wouldn’t buy for themselves (one year, we happened to go to an art market together and they didn’t buy a piece they loved, so I bought it for them as a surprise). For my friends, it’s mainly only if I see something that really *fits* them. Otherwise, I’m just giving them stuff they don’t care about. I’m having a difficult time with one friend because I have seen a million things she would love and she’s lost a lot of weight (like 80 or more lbs) and needs clothes and is loving dressing for her new shape. I had to stop myself! My family officially stopped exchanging gifts a few years ago. I give my nephews (now 21 and 22) money in a card and that makes them happy. For the past few years, I’ve gotten small tokens that are more sentimental for my SIL and stepmother. One year, I commissioned a friend to make them custom coasters of my nephews at Christmas when they were little, including some photos of them with my Dad, who passed away 5 years ago. My SIL cried! One year, I gave my stepmother a pretty little pottery pitcher that I knew would be perfect for fresh flowers she buys at a stand near her house. This year, I ordered some pretty felted wool Christmas ornaments from a place in NY. That’s pretty much it!
cat socks
My husband and I don’t exchange gifts. We buy things as we need throughout the year and travel.
My parents really don’t need/want anything, but I will send my mom flowers at work because that is one thing she loves. My brother and I don’t exchange gifts and there are no nieces/nephews on my side of the family.
My mother and father-in-law are divorced, so they get separate gift cards. My brother-in-law gets a gift card and new slippers because he wears them all the time and it isn’t something he would normally buy for himself. All the nieces and nephews are grown up and we don’t always see them at Christmas.
My sister-in-law and her wife live out of state. I buy gifts for them, but not sure what I’ll be getting them this year.
Honestly the most fun gift exchange is a secret Santa on Instagram. I have an account for my cats and do a gift exchange with other people that have cat accounts.
grinch
Glad I’m not the only one who tries to minimize gift giving. I’m a minimalist and get stressed out about the idea of more stuff that I don’t want or need. I’m very particular about what comes into my house and I particularly hate those white elephant exchanges where people buy funny or gag gifts because I know those are going straight into the goodwill pile.
I do, however, love experience gifts or the idea of going somewhere fun or fancy as a “gift” to ourselves to celebrate. For my birthday one year, my mom gifted a weekend in Chicago with Hamilton tickets. For girlfriends, I’ll take them out to a fancy bakery in town for cocktails and ridiculously expensive cake. That all is a bonus because I get to spend time with people without having extra stuff in my life.
Anon
My husband, kids, sisters, nieces and nephews on my side under 18, the one friend who insists on buying me a present, and my staff.
No gifts for nieces and nephews on husband’s side because that’s not how they do things on his side (like they don’t send gifts to our kids), but it causes him some guilt and resentment when I gift my own family members. Whatever, he’s free to buy them things, but I think what he’s saying, occasionally, is that I should be buying his nieces and nephews gifts, and that’s not happening.
Also why isn’t there one word in English for nieces and nephews.
SuziStockbroker
There is, it is “niblings”. :)
I use it all the time.
Anon
Thanks!! But no one will know what I’m talking about, right?
Anonymous
Unlike fetch, I think you can totally make “nibling” happen. ;)
SuziStockbroker
Honestly, WAY too may people.
Maybe husband (sometimes we agree just to get a “family gift”)
My kids
My sister’s kids and my sister (divorced, single mom)
My parents and my in laws (including my BIL) – I have tried to get out of giving/receiving to no avail
My assistant (generally a bonus and a small gift)
3 admin staff
2 admin staff and 2 teachers at my elementary school child’s school (thankfully my other 2 are high schoolers and that is not a thing here)
My trainer at the gym (the only person in the world other than my assistant that takes care of me)
My kids’ 6 godparents (it’s a big deal in DH’s family)
The children of one of DH’s cousins, with whom my children are very close.
Anon
We don’t do gifts really. We might give each other a “happy” – something small you ran across that reminds you of the other person – but we mainly give money to charity and then have a nice breakfast together Christmas morning.
Worry about yourself
I’m the same as you – mom, dad, sister, and boyfriend. Maybe I need to get his parents a gift too now that we live together . . . But figuring out which friends to get gifts for is just too murky and complicated; I’ll send them Christmas cards, buy gifts for any Yankee Swap I’m invited to, and maybe bake some holiday treats for parties if I have time.
Anon
DH and I just do each others’ stockings (if it can’t fit in a stocking, it’s a no go).
Stocking for DD (from Santa) + she gets 3 gifts from us (one winter/holiday themed book, one pair of slippers for the year, one other gift…grandparents cover the rest).
Christmas ornament exchange for BFF but I’m trying to get out of this tradition now that we both have kids and lots of Christmas ornaments.
My parents (two + one step) and DH’s parents (two), typically books all around. These are the hard ones.
My sisters (two), maybe.
That’s it.
Aanon
My husband, my mom and my brother. Dad and stepmom.
Usually a gift card each for the staff in our building and our dog walker.
Something small (less than $20 and consumable) for each of my staff.
Sarabeth
My partner and I buy for each other, and each help our kids buy a present for the other parent. Together, we buy for our parents (4 total) and his nieces. No gifts to the siblings with kids, by mutual agreement. we do still buy a gift for the kidless sibling (she’s a decade younger than us, and buys for our kids). I will buy something for my BFF and/or her kids if I happen to see something perfect, but we don’t expect gifts from each other. We are also both only children so our kids get more than enough presents already.
Partner and I give each other concert tickets 90% of the time. The real gift is the planning, which includes organizing the babysitter.
We give very specific Christmas lists to our parents, because otherwise they will buy us random stuff we don’t want. We are minimalists in a pretty small house. I don’t need presents, really, but if they are going to give me something, I’m going to be picky about it.
MNF
I love gifting – the selection, the wrapping, the witnessing of the opening – everything. I give to my parents, in-laws, my nephew and my s-i-l (DH’s sister) — all gifts are jointly from my husband and me. The rule in my family passed down from our parent’s generation was that once you had kids, your kids got gifts, so I don’t give a gift to my brother, just to his son my nephew.
We do not give a gift to my childless brother and s-i-l because they suggested we stop doing gifts. It had been fraught for a couple of years anyway – they were each giving gifts to my husband and me (so we’d get 2 gifts each), but we were doing joint gifts – one to each of them. They’re also the kind of people who supply a gift suggestion list of what they want. That works great for some people, but I think it’s rude to give when unsolicited. The last year we exchanged gifts with them I refused to buy things off of the list (got her Penzey’s spices – she’s a foodie/big cook, and got him a cozy fleecy sweatshirt that I have seen him wear multiple times when he wasn’t expecting to see me) and my brother suggested we don’t exchange anymore (with the implication that I should have stuck to the list). Fine by me.
In House Lobbyist
Y’all make me feel like I go overboard. Kids, husband, my parents, husband’s parents, sister/brother and spouses, 7 nieces and nephews, my aunt and uncle (I only have 1), my second cousins that are more like nephews, grandparents, we draw names for second cousins on my husband’s side now (since there are 12 great grandchildren), 2 big girlfriend gifts, and a handful of smaller girlfriend gifts, nursery ladies at church, housekeeper, elderly members at church that I grew up with, neighbors…..
Elle
DH. We buy gifts for: my parents, my siblings, his parents, and his siblings and just split the cost down the middle. We do Christmas with my family and Thanksgiving with his, so the in-laws get theirs towards NYE. I do an annual White Elephant and wine night with my girl friends for $25. This year I’m grabbing a $25 MiniLuxe gift card after getting random crap from Nordstrom Rack in the swap over the years.
Anonymous
What’s your favorite gear for outdoor winter exercise?
Monday
The only outdoor exercise I really do in the winter is running.
I realized that wearing a neckwarmer helps a lot with the strain of breathing super-cold air in high volume. Really anything will do, but I have fleece and wool ones. I like ones that are thin enough that they can fit in a vest/hoodie pocket if I take them off during the run.
I also just discovered Yaktrax, thanks to this site! Running in snow and ice without worrying about breaking my neck, hooray!
Anonymous
Old Navy fleece headband and fleece gloves both in black. That’s about all I need in addition to regular workout tights, tshirt, fleece jacket and sneakers. Maybe a black fleece infinity scarf or balaclava if it’s below 20F and wet.
anon
Fleece-lined leggings, although I don’t use them until the temperature is in the 20s.
My neighborhood streets have been solid sheets of ice for almost a week now. I am so over it. I am itching to run.
anon
That should say fleece-lined running tights. Both Nike and Under Armour have good ones.
Anonymous
I wear cross country ski pants and smartwools for snowshoeing. For running, +1 to everyone else’s suggestions. If I wear a jacket/fleece/vest, it’s really helpful to have pockets with zippers for when I take my gloves or neckwarmer off.
Sarabeth
I run in wool leggings and long sleeve shirt, with fleece shirt and very lightweight windbreaker on top. Lightweight is important because I to be able to strip the layers off and tie them around my waist. Wool glove liners (usually from smartwool) and a fleece headband. I would never have bought myself the headband, but it is so much better than running with a hat – I can keep it on much longer without overheating, which saves my ears.
Aanon
I just got fleece lined tights for running and they are the best. My most favorite feature (aside from their fleecy warmth) is large pockets on either outside hip – perfect for tucking my phone so it doesn’t suffer the iPhone killing cold problem.
Anon2.0
I am treating myself to a new skincare regimen for Christmas and deciding between Paula’s Choice and Murad. Anyone have strong feelings about either of these brands? Looking for a retinol product for combination skin.
busybee
My feelings aren’t strong per se but about two months ago I started using Paula’s Choice Resist hydrating cleanser and Resist barrier repair moisturizer with retinol. I like them both. Other cleansers have left my face feeling tight and I don’t have that problem with this one. The Resist moisturizer is a very very low amount of retinol (I’m new to the retinol game) and I haven’t had any peeling, flaking, or redness. My skin seems firmer too. I have extremely dry skin but the PC website lets you shop by skin type/concern.
retinol
No suggestions on those two lines, but I do adore skinmedica retinol. It’s the “cleanest” retinol product I’ve found, i.e. no unnecessary dyes or fragrances or irritants. They have varying potency levels, and I recommend starting with the lowest (.25) if you’re new to retinol. I use it every other night, and it keeps my skin SO soft and clear.
Anon
I’d save some dough and get a better retinoid through curology for like $25/month. It’s prescription and the real thing. You just have to send in a couple of face shots and fill out a profile.
For luxurious skin care outside of the retinoid I like Murad.
Anonymous
+1 for Curology! I’ve been using it since 2014, it’s awesome
Anon
I’d recommend getting a sampler set first (maybe that’s what you’re planning to do). I was really excited about Murad’s orange collection for uneven skin tone / dark spots, but it broke me out – and I don’t have sensitive skin.
Anonymous
If you’re just looking for one line to get all your products from then 100% go with Paula’s Choice
Anon
Similar to yesterday’s afternoon discussion about immigration, is anyone else concerned that DACA recipients and the wall are (for lack of a better phrase) taking most of the attention away from other immigration issues? Some of you probably know about family reunification policies, which allow U.S. green card holders and citizens to sponsor family members to come to the U.S. This is often called “chain migration” by conservative media and many Republicans have fought long and hard for years to get rid of it altogether. This would be a disaster for my husband, who received political asylum in the U.S. and who is in the very, very long line waiting for visas for his family members to join us. We’ve been waiting 7 years and it will probably be 5-7 more, but we’re worried that an immigration bill is going to secure citizenship for DACA recipients while axing family reunification as a “compromise” to secure Republican votes. While it’s possible that people who are already waiting in line might be grandfathered in, that’s no guarantee and it’s still a slap in the face for all of us who have waded through these really arduous legal channels. What are others’ thoughts on this? I would also love if you could share your opinions with your representatives and senators.
Personally, I support a path to citizenship for dreamers as well as reasonable laws concerning immigration overall. I just fear that the focus has been almost solely on Dreamers and/or the wall to the exclusion of the millions of other immigrants either waiting to join family here or waiting to sponsor family to come here. The legal channels are so convoluted, expensive, and terrible and I feel like not many people know or understand how the process works.
Also, I’d like to note that you are required to show that you can financially support your relatives before they can come to the U.S. just so that the discussion doesn’t get derailed on that point.
Anonymous
I totally get how important chain migration has been for families. If we are limiting slots for who gets to come in though, I’m not sure whether I’d keep chain migration as a thing as opposed to refugees (so, to over simplify, let in more people who “need” refuge vs people who just “want” to come).
In my family’s rural area, it is hard to get doctors and nurses — doctors have med school debt that is so high and it is hard to attract people to a poor area that has awful schools. Unless you are an immigrant, which seems to get us a lot of good doctors and RNs (LPNs and nurses aides we can source locally and these are good jobs b/c this is a VVCOL area). So I totally support conditional immigration — you have a valuable skill and will go to an underserved area for 5-10 years, you can immigrate and be on a path to citizenship (you = adult, spouse, minor children, with liberal visitation visas for other relatives).
Our birthrate is so low that we need immigrants, but I am not sure how to best allocate immigrant slots within the broad would-be immigrant population in a way that is fair and addresses unmet labor needs here (so grandma may help by providing in-family childcare to grandchildren, which is super common among first-generation families, but likely won’t work as a nurse practitioner in a rural clinic for T2 diabetes).
Anon
I’m not sure you understand the vital importance of families. My grandmother came over on ‘chain migration’ – a loaded term btw. She was my rock. She was my family’s rock. She helped raise 4 high-earning professional women. Money’s not a real measure of success, but since everything thinks it is – we probably all contribute a half a million dollars in tax revenue (or more) every year.
Immigrants deserve family lives too. All other generations of immigrants received this benefits. But now that immigrants are brown, we have decided it’s a problem.
We need immigrants. We need immigration. I haven’t read one study that says it’s a bad thing for the economy.
Anonymous
I get that families are important to each other.
But if the choice is between letting in 5 nuclear families (or 25 individuals) or 3 nuclear families (or 10 individuals) + all of the relatives they can sponsor (so already skewing towards richer people), I’d probably favor letting in more bunches of unrelated people vs fewer people b/c their relatives may want to come, too.
Letting in my relatives is beneficial to me, but I can see why my country wouldn’t prefer it or benefit from it, so they let in more adults solo (vs families and their relatives).
In my family, we’ve been economic migrants 2 generations in a row and it is hard. When someone is sick, there is no one local anymore. But I am not sure “because it is better for me personally” is convincing as a policy for a country to adopt.
+1
High-earning, community contributing, “good” immigrant and citizen here desperate to bring parents over and waiting in line because of several policies affecting my particular country. It is devastating to be an only child and not having my parents at any of my graduations or important events. My only family is my American spouse.
My parents are hard working and would be incredible Americans. The problem is that they can’t even come visit, much less migrate. Imagine how that feels.
Anonymous
How can they not even visit? I don’t understand that — we give out tourist visas.
Anon
You have no idea how hard it is to get a tourist visa from particular countries. I have relatives who are model citizens who simply cannot get one because they don’t own a home, so the consulate believes they are a risk to stay here past the visa. I cannot believe the cluelessness….
Parents Cannot Visit
As anon. below explained, it is incredible difficult to get a tourist visa from certain countries. You have to prove that you will not be immigrating on this visa and the standards are ridiculously high in many cases and the process is entirely arbitrary. It’s not like a poverty level matrix. It doesn’t matter if you own property or not, whether you have other kids in the country, etc. But yes, my average to low income in their country parents cannot come visit because they don’t own property and while we have proof of how much I make and payment for tickets/entertainment while here all on my dime (even return tickets as proof and something like a graduation or childbirth happening), it is not sufficient for the government because my country is not a place where “we” want people to immigrate from.
Also, I realize there are a million things the Trump admin. has done since this was announced, but please don’t forget that the travel ban is still in effect for several countries. These families are facing same the same issues.
Anonymous
Because once you apply to sponsor them, they aren’t eligible for tourist visas. The fear they will illegally overstay.
anon
I am definitely not an expert, but I’ve been told that once you apply for an immigrant visa (or other type of non-tourist visa), it is much harder and almost impossible to get a tourist visa because they assume the applicant will just overstay the tourist visa. I have a former colleague who was a U.S. citizen and got engaged to a man she met while living abroad. While they were dating, they both traveled back and forth. Once engaged, she sponsored him for a fiance visa, and while they waited for the paperwork, he could not get a tourist visa to visit her, so she had to travel to him until his visa was processed. This was in the early 2000s.
Anon
LOLL – good luck getting nurses and physicians to come over here and then tell them that their elderly relatives can only come “visit”. I’m South Asian. Guess where all the doctors and engineers in my family who choose to leave are now going? Canada and Singapore. Nobody wants to come here any more. The fight for talent is global. If you treat immigrants like cr@p (i.e. your family life is less valuable than native born Americans or we want you but not TOO many of you), they will take their skills elsewhere. We have this hubris that the US will always be the prettiest girl at the dance. Welp , not so much anymore
Anon
+1
Canada, Singapore and Australia
Anonymous
I’m amazed that your elderly relatives would want to move, much less switch countries, languages, benefit systems, etc.
I can’t get my parents to move a couple of states within the US (ironically, to back where they are from and near where I live with precious grandchildren who miss them, and with better weather).
What am I missing?! [I assume that you are moving/immigrating b/c you want to and not because of any compulsion (refuge / economic migrants at the grandparent level to seek their own work opportunities).]
Anon
American family culture is very different than other cultures. That’s what your missing.
Anonymous
I think that we can be the next prettiest and still be OK.
For family migration vs refugees vs other legal immigrants (who I understand must wait a very, very long time), is it a static amount that we let come in every year? In that case, I’d rank refugees first. If it’s refugees (uncapped) and then family vs other legal migrants, both fighting over the same number of slots, that is different.
And do family immigrants just get a green card to reside as long as they want?
Ultimately, if people aren’t a drain on the economy b/w legal non-family & legal family immigrants, maybe we can be indifferent. I mean, illegal immigration is uncapped.
Anon for This
Yes, some of us family-of-refugee immigrants get green cards and stay however long we want, and sometimes we even get citizenship, vote, become successful attorneys, work for the government, pay taxes, and even GASP post in your forums regularly. The horror.
Yes, we do.
And the two of us are probably not the only ones.
Katy
+1
Katy
Meant a +1 to the original post, not the reply. Do not penalize the legal immigrants.
Suburban
I’m just really having a hard time not seeing all this discussion about immigration as a socially acceptable proxy for racism. The president said himself that he wanted more immigrants from white countries.
I’m not in favor of open boarders, but I think undocumented immigrants should be given a path to citizenship, obviously support daca protection. I’m not in favor of curtailing family reunification, either. I guess I just don’t buy trumps line that immigration is ruining America and we’re suddenly a very poor country. America is a very rich country, we apparently have billions to spend on a wall that serves as a tribute to racism. Let’s build a longer table, not a bigger wall.
Most republicans I know are very privileged, very selfish and very crummy people.
ANON
GIRL, YES.
Nobody bats an eye at white immigrants from Western Europe. Even the commenters, who assure us they are very good people but just very concerned, are badly masking their concern at an influx of non-whites.
anonymous
Some time ago and I wrote about my immigrant family and someone wrote something like “but see, your family learned English” as though that made us “the good kind” and I nearly had a conniption fit because while my (white/European) grandparents could speak multiple languages, they weren’t fluent in English. They were too old when they came to learn anything beyond basic greetings and what was needed to work. This is common among older immigrants. (In a nice twist, they were hired and worked for 25 years in a restaurant owned by Mexican immigrants.) But they worked, paid taxes, and made good lives to their kids and grandkids. My grandmother did not go to school past grade school (there just wasn’t really a local high school) and her grandkids are dentists, lawyers, university professors, a literal rocket scientist(!), millionaires(!), teachers, police officers, and contributing members to their communities.
The tendency for Americans to look at immigrants as “other” is the most sickly ironic thing because at the end of the day — me, my parents, and my grandparents were all you at some point in your past. I think that is especially forgotten when the new ones don’t look exactly like us and so come the many judgments about what makes them “good” or “bad” because the bar for immigrants is basically saintly and anyone simply normal is “bad.” It’s really shameful.
Anonymous
Yes. It’s a good point you make about perception of deserving or “good” immigrants. I’d add that many of the most vocal anti-immigration folks I know tend to be very proud of their own (white European) immigrant heritage.
Anonymous
Yes so much truth.
Anonymous
So many of these discussions make me wonder what is it all for.
Do our nation states exist for the good of human beings who are living their lives, or do people and their families exist to serve the interests of the nation state?
Your comment makes me wonder if the latter perspective is really just a cover for being selfish and crummy and trying to get a leg up on other people. But I tend to take people at their word, and it’s a bleak, bleak outlook for me.
Anon
Yes, when people say things like “we need to take care of our own first” they really mean our own white people. And even then, they’ll think a (white) homeless person’s problems are their own fault.
There’s also a lot of misconception about who is on the government dole, exactly. It is overwhelmingly white, US born citizens, despite what you think you saw at the grocery store checkout line. Immigrants tend to take jobs no one else wants, but they generally support themselves and their families. This is easily googleable.
CountC
+1
pugsnbourbon
+100
Anonymous
I don’t think you can infer “what people really mean: when they have opinions different from yours. Perhaps they really mean it bothers them to see people sleeping in the street, and they’d like to have as much discussion and focus on this as on DACA recipients.
anon
+1. I’m a children of immigrants and I agree that xenophobia and racism is at play for a lot of people who aren’t super supportive of immigration, but you don’t really know what every individual person means. People are individuals. some are racist, some aren’t. some have legit gripes/issues and some don’t. part of the problem in our society today is this- the unwillingness to allow others to be individuals and judged on their *own* behaviors and merits without people unduly assuming things about them. Liberals/progressives make a ton of assumptions too, and not even just about conservatives they don’t like.
Anonymous
In my area, we get a lot of younger foreign workers for resorts and such for seasonal work. I think they take jobs that American teens / young people used to take (or take as second jobs). But a restaurant needs someone to show up every day, not work like an Uber driver only when it suits them. They don’t seem to be able to hire domestically. I hope that their lives are made easier not to have more red tape.
different anonymous
True. I work for a multi-national Fortune 500 company and in certain states/cities we simply cannot hire or keep drivers that pass drug tests… except for immigrants.
Anonymous
I forgot about that aspect — we have a significant heroin problem (I think every city does these days, but our rate is highest in our state). And for some occupations, having a criminal background is a deal-breaker, so many native-born workers aren’t eligible for some jobs (OTOH, our kitchen staff seems to be largely ex-offenders and they are fantastic and very hard workers; other large employers are more strict).
So reliability is a problem, as is passing a drug test. I had a great waiter from Madeconia once and we talked for a while and his visa allowed him to work 3 months and then there was a cultural exchange period before he returned. He said he’s continue with his university studies and then probably come back again. He had friends working in coastal Maine and wanted to try that next time.
Seventh Sister
I understand this to a certain extent, but I worked in a summer resort town (as a US citizen) with plenty of locals who were teachers that taught Sept.-June or handyman/painter types with flexible schedules. These people already lived in the area year round. All of the tourism jobs (pizza shops, mini golf, t-shirt places) paid either minimum wage or a couple bucks above minimum wage with no tipping. (The tipped jobs were generally the province of connected college kids.) The real convenience of the foreign guest workers was having a semi-captive work force who wouldn’t be tempted to walk off for a 50 cent raise.
Anonymous
I don’t really care much about DACA, but I’d be displeased if DACA recipients get citizenship. A green card or permanent visa might be OK. I do not support prioritizing illegal aliens over those people who are following the process and the law, such as your husband and his family.
Overall, I support much stronger limitations on immigration, enforcement of our immigration laws, and transparency about what these are.
Sarabeth
I agree with you, but I think this is likely to happen. DACA recipients have families themselves, and so far immigration groups have been very solidly opposed on any deal that trades status for Dreamers for an end to family reunification. That deal was being hinted at least year, and was very firmly rejected by the immigration-rights side of this debate.
So what DO we want?
I agree with just about everything written: immigration is absolutely a net benefit; families are important; the current system is too long and complicated; we need skilled immigrants too; racism plays a GIGANTIC role in today’s debates.
…But I’m not hearing from many people anywhere what the changes should be, just a list of problems. My fear is that we continue to just wring out hands about the current system and do…nothing. So much of what is being said is supported by racism (I wrote “underlying racism” and then edited, ’cause it’s pretty overt racism) that almost every proposal is immediately shot down as racist if anyone is impacted who might currently benefit. The other side is immediately accused of amnesty and suggesting the U.S. opens its doors to everyone who wants to come here. There has to be some ground between “keep all those brown people out” and “let them all in, anyone who wants to come!” Most people seem to agree, but I’m not hearing what that ground looks like or where people would draw the lines.
The reality is that any change to our current (broken) system will be hotly debated because the consequences will be bad for some, and worse than our current system in some cases. I don’t see it as possible to make everyone happy.
My own POV is that I don’t agree we should have open borders totally, but rather we should expand our immigration pool to capture a wider range of applicants, for family, economic, and humanitarian reasons. If we don’t have open borders, it means people who arrive without permission or who stay longer than permitted should be removed. (Otherwise, what you have is open borders.) There are cases – like DACA – where I think we need to be humane and grant a one-time amnesty (yep – using that word!) and give them legal residence and a path to citizenship.
We should expand our immigration system to allow for more skilled workers in certain industries or certain locations, but not tie them to their employers. (Get away from the indentured servitude of some of the current tech visas.) We need to provide more low-skilled work visas, perhaps seasonal ones, for workers who are willing to come and work for a period of time but not necessarily the entire year. (Some migrants say they would love to go home during non-harvest time, or other seasons low times, but cannot because they won’t be allowed back in.)
Family immigrant visas should be continued to continue to allow family reunification, but I would limit to spouses, children, and some grandparents as permanent residents/path to citizenship without the option to have them in turn petitions for others. If you choose to immigrate, I don’t think that necessarily means we need to also allow in your parents, your siblings, their spouses, and all of their children on the “family reunification” grounds. A parent with 5 children abroad and one child in the United States is “unified” abroad with the majority of his/her children, after all. Six-month valid visas every year to accommodate close ties, long-term visits? YES. And yes exceptions for humanitarian reasons, such as a disabled sibling who may not have any other family in X country to support them. I know some families/cultures consider extended family very important – including mine – but that does not necessarily mean to me that the decision for one person to migrant should give them the right to bring to the United States all of our extended family, plus their extended family. I’d rather have more families with links to the other – liked the skilled or unskilled workers – and not necessarily the sibling of the adult migrant, their spouses and kids, and then the parents/siblings/kids of the spouses.
The asylum process clearly screams for reform too. Right now, if I understand correctly, 80% of the applicants for asylum pass the credible fear initial interview, but only 10% in the end are granted asylum. So, the screening process is clearly busted if there are so many “false positives.” Either we broaden the law to allow it to reflect 21st century issues (not limited currently to the small number of groups who qualify under race, religion, political group) but change the law to allow for, say, domestic violence victims, if that’s a group we think we want to protect, or victims of X crimes. (And….if you are granted asylum on the grounds your husband regularly beats you and your children, then no, you cannot later petition him to immigrate under family reunification!) What I think we try to do now is “interpret” the law to expand a law drafted in response to the horrors of WWII, but without actually changing the law. So a judge/administration gets to rewrite things to accommodate political leanings when this should not be a political issue. Meanwhile, the screening process is totally broken, leaving families in limbo for years…only to have them told they are going to be deported, which in turn encourages staying illegally, especially if they have already put down ties, had US born children, etc.
That’s my initial, imperfect, how-do-we-change it thinking at the moment. Fire away. I know it’s flawed.
Anonymous
What I don’t know is what we as a hemisphere will do with so many failed states (Venezuela) and dangerous states (Central America) where it is dangerous (but not politically dangerous). Our systems aren’t set up for that, but people fleeing that are a problem. Do we go in and clean house (that worked so well in Iraq)? Let them continue in misery? It’s a humanitarian crisis and will only get worse. Where do those people go?
Asenath
You’re just going to blithely ignore the historic fact that the US is the root of most of the ‘dangerous’ or ‘failed’ states’ issues, right? (Just say $hitholes. You know you’re thinking it.) Military juntas. The School of the Americas. The flop that is the War on Drugs.
We did this. We can scoot over and make some room.
Seventh Sister
I feel like the entire system needs an overhaul, and the media isn’t great at explaining all of the nuances and problems around immigration. Immigration is definitely a net positive, and the wait times, cost, and general misery that immigrants in my own family have had to endure seem to be part of a pointless exercise in bureaucracy. To my way of thinking, you need family reunification, asylum, some kind of DACA fix, skilled worker immigration, and refugee resettlement. You know what I bet we could live with out? Millionaire visas.
Anonymous
I started seeing a guy I really liked and in retrospect I can see I got pretty carried away a bit too early. He just texted me basically saying he wants to take a step back, and when he said that, it kind of broke the spell for me and made me realize, yikes I’ve been going way overboard and been too intense. I’m a little embarrassed now.
Trying to decide whether I need to apologize for being over the top (which he didn’t mention in his text or anything), or whether I should just say yeah, let’s take a step back. I mean, I do still really like him. I just got ahead of myself. Oops…
Annynon
Can you give some specifics? Unless you did something insane, I’m of the mindset that if youre excited about someone you should show it and if they feel the same about you they shouldnt be weirded out.
Anonymous
I was just…overeager? But I think most of it was in my head, though could also have come out unknowingly in my actions. Like he’d write me a short-ish email and I’d write him a longer one than his almost every time, and I wrote back pretty quickly, stuff like that. In my head I was like “I could really see this working out longterm” even though it was not nearly long enough to think about that seriously so I’m just kind of embarrassed.
Anonymous
Just move on. You did nothing wrong he just isn’t that into you. Clean break and stop wasting your time.
Anon
Yes and no. You don’t have to move on in terms of what you say to him – leave the door open with him while backing up a bit. But maybe move on in your own head a bit – I find that a quick crush or date with someone else is a helpful short term distraction.
anon
Don’t apologize. What I would do is say “I understand where you’re coming from and that’s okay with me. Thank you for bringing it up- I appreciate your willingness to communicate openly.”
That sounds sort of stiff but you get what I mean. Rather than apologizing as if you did something wrong, show him that you’re self-aware and use this as an opportunity to set good foundation for communication about your budding relationship. You’ll show off the good traits you want to demonstrate but you’re not admitting to poor behavior or framing it as a rejection.
Anon
This. He’s not the one and I’m sorry. When it’s mutual there’s really no OTT.
Anonymous
Definitely do not apologize. I would jut say “Okay, got it.” And wait for him to make next move.
Anonymous
Thanks, I think this is right.
anon
You sound very self-aware. I would not apologize. After all, there’s no need to apologize for liking someone. In fact, let him initiate the communication after your initial reply no matter how tough it is. I might respond “Ok! Got it! Let me know if you want to get together again.” (or whatever the current lingo is) Then you must let him initiate the contact. There is still hope but I imagine that you need to really give him space. Let the guy miss you. One thing I have noticed on this board is it is no longer fashionable for women to play hard to get. I’m 49, and in college and right out of college, we would hide phones from our girlfriends who had drink-and-dial tendencies because honestly, letting men do the pursuing greatly increased the chances of eventually having meaningful relationships with great guys. Contemporary advice seems to be sharing all feelings immediately and verbally addressing all issues in relationships but I’m just not sure things have changed so much in 25 years. I’m sure I’ll be blasted for this reply but I really think it’s worth a try.
Shopaholic
I don’t think this advice is wrong in this particular situation, but as a single woman in her 30s, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where I cannot be honest about my feelings/interest. There is a difference between drunk texting and reaching out to someone because you are into them.
Anon
LOL suppressing your feelings and going along with things you don’t like just so you can get a man is a pretty outdated idea for a reason.
Saguaro
I wouldn’t write him off as not into you, as some have suggested, but as you already know you need to cool it from here on out. Do what others have suggested and tell him it’s fine, but then let him make the next contact.
Calico
I wouldn’t try to play it cool. Your actions sounded in no way over the top at all. As a counterpoint, my husband did all the same things you did- emailed/texted back right away and pursued me hard. It was clear that he liked me. I would say this isn’t your guy if he can’t handle your enthusiasm for him.
Anon
Can anyone remind me where the moderation policy is? I thought I was good with the new system, I had entered a fake email and all my comments were posting on time, until this week. Now suddenly every single one is going into moderation. I usually post pretty innocuous comments. Any way to appeal the moderation problem or am I stuck waiting hours for my comments to show up?
Anon
Same here. I’ve given up hope.
cake
I enter a fake email address, and my comments still go into mod but seem to get released within minutes.
C2
Anyone else horrified by their iPhone’s weekly screen time reports? I was at over 6 hours last week, which gave me pause. What am I doing, even? Scrolling Instagram, apparently. I’ve noticed I do this mindlessly while I watch TV and lay in bed in the morning.
I set up daily app limits and downtime today, and then set the Forest app for 120 minutes. Let’s see if I can report back with drastic decrease next week.
Anon
Yes and I’m way worse than you. I read on Kindle on my phone for up to two hours a day commuting so that already makes it look bad (although I don’t feel bad about that), but the rest of the time is horrifying. I spend way too much time on iMessage and Instagram and I can tell it’s been contributing to a worse attention span and irritability. Actively working to reduce.
Vicky Austin
I don’t have an iPhone, but I notice my battery percentage at the end of every day as a (rough) indicator of how much time I’ve spent with it open, and yeah, yikes! Inspired by your post I might try Forest again.
anon
Yes! It’s humiliating. One week it said 3 hours a day, the next week it said 2 hours a day. I feel like a HUGE loser.
anon
p.s. no train commute or working on my phone. :)
Anon
eh, no I don’t care.
Any personal matters are taken care of on my phone, not my work computer. Same for reading blogs, posting here, etc. And then I tend to play solitaire or some other easy game to keep me still while listening to a conference call, or when halfway watching TV with my husband. I keep in touch with my teenagers all day though my phone as well. I pay bills on it. I set timers. I read recipes. Etc.
My phone is a workhorse! So I don’t fell bad at all that I’m working it pretty hard.
christineispink
I’m at about 3 hours a day, for 24 hours a week. Which is a WHOLE DAY of LOOKING AT MY PHONE. I try to put it down more often since they rolled that out. My kindle is a separate device, and I read on my commute so I probably have more screentime but I like to think of Kindle-reading as a GOOD habit :)
2018 winter fashion Q
Are any skinny jeans being tucked into boots this year? If so, are they tucked into tall flat-heeled boots, mid-shin boots, or booties? Do you cuff skinny jeans anymore with winter shoes?
Somehow I have some booties that look like hooves when worn with skinny jeans. Not sure how to fix. Feet are cold in flats.
Anonymous
With my hoof-booties, I wear skinny jeans cuffed to hit just above the top of the boot.
Cat
Not tucked into tall boots (East Coaster here). YMMV if you are in the Midwest, where this look is hanging on in popularity likely due to the warmth factor.
Booties are a fail on me. I have short legs and don’t need help cutting my legs off even more. You have my permission to wear street sneakers or winter boots instead!
Cookbooks
I’m in the Northeast, and the skinny jeans-tall boots combo is definitely rearing its head again as it gets colder. As for booties, people have increasingly been wearing them with tights rather than jeans.
Of Counsel
I was in Portland recently and was struck by the ubiquity of leggings/skinny jeans in boots. And honestly, a but relieved. Booties just look silly on me and I prefer to keep my ankles warm and dry.
Fashion is all well and good – but it is nice to see pure practicality win out sometimes. Those times include pouring rain and temps in the 30’s.
Panda Bear
Lol, I know what you mean about the hooves. To some extent, this might be just getting used to how booties and skinny jeans look – or perhaps wearing a less chunky bootie? Anyway… am still tucking my skinny jeans into tall, flat leather boots and/or rubber hunters on rainy/snowy/extra cold days. More frequently, though, I’m wearing flat chelsea booties, and I let the tops of my jeans sort of scrunch up just a little where they meet the top of the bootie. I guess I could roll or cuff to get them to sit riiiight at the top of the bootie, but the scrunching is minimal and looks fine to me.
Anon
I think what looks best to your eye is fine and won’t draw any undue attention. In MSP, I see all the iterations. The other week I lazily ran to brunch with my skinny jeans over the bootie and got a compliment on the boots.
NOLA
For me, it depends on how wide the opening of the bootie is. Today, I’m wearing low-heeled booties that have a wider top, so it was either tuck in or cuff. I went with tuck in. It gives me a leaner look, I think.
Anon
What!?! We’re not all wearing heels without socks like in the fashion mags, ads and a lot of blogs!?! I’m with you OP – not sure there’s been a new truce between fashion and practicality since we tucked jeans into boots, wore tights with boots, and yeah, I cuff certain jeans over boots. Depends on the jeans. I’m late 30s and a mom, so I’m probably not the best resource though.
cat socks
I still wear skinny jeans tucked into knee high boots. It works and is practical for some of the cold, snowy weather where I live.
I also have a pair of mid-calf black boots that I wear with skinny jeans.
I have one pair of booties from Dr. Scholls that have an almond-ish pointed toe. I find that helps elongate the foot a little bit and prevents the hoof look. I cuff my jeans so they hit right at the top of the boot. It did take me a little while for my eye to get used to the look, but now I like it.
Anon
Just wear what you want.
Anon
+1 I am so sick of this question. Literally every day there is some iteration of “I want to wear booties but don’t like any of the ways to wear them; what magical style am I missing?”
anon
Haha, I know what you mean about the hooves.
I have to evaluate this on a boot-by-boot, jeans-by-jeans basis. Some jeans are narrow enough to tuck into the bootie, some aren’t. Finding the right combination is tricky, imo. If it I can’t tuck it, I usually cuff. I like how the scrunched look works for other people, but for some reason it looks really sloppy on me. Again, it probably has something to do with the length of my jeans or something.
By contrast, tall boots over skinnies is so much easier to get right. I’m not wearing tall boots quite as often I used to, but in my cold climate, it’s still definitely a thing.
Anon
I posted the question yesterday afternoon about what to wear for cold weather casual fashion, because I haven’t figured out what the heck we’re doing. I’m a pear and there is nothing about large thighs + skinny jeans + hoof booties that is flattering on me. I do still wear my jeans tucked into Bean boots when weather justifies getting them out. (And I still think sweater + skinnies + Bean boots is a super cute look.)
Anon
Seriously, it’s OK to be comfortable in skinnies and tall boots. And this is EXACTLY why bootcut jeans were invented!! Just get a pair of bootcuts to go over your booties if you love your booties. I cannot believe how much time we’re all spending on this question every single day (did you see the post above where someone is literally trying on every bootie and jeans combo to see what might pass?). Although, I forgot this is a fashion blog. Maybe Kat can do a piece on this question since it’s clearly a question many want help with?
Anon
Anyone feel like vicariously shopping for a cocktail dress? I have a wedding to attend in a few weeks and nothing to wear. Would prefer to buy, not rent. Size 8 and pear shaped – more of a 6 on top and a larger 8 on bottom. I tend to prefer an a-line or a fit and flare for ease of fit, but have struck out with all my orders so far.
Panda Bear
Budget and preferred brands? What hasn’t worked so far?
Anonymous
Under $300 probably, I’m somewhat flexible though. I have no preferred brands! I’ve tried an lace v-neck Adrianna Papell that was weirdly huge on the top and tight on the bottom, some off-brand buys from Amazon that were awful, a lace midi dress from BR with a too-high neckline that was unflattering, and a couple off the shoulder Vince Camuto dresses that fit nicely but looked blah.
Anon
Also a pear, and if you’re a Prime shopper, check out the brand Belle Poque. Such pretty dresses and great quality for the price.
Tippi sweater
Just bought a Jcrew Tippi sweater, my first ever. Love the leopard print but would prefer one size larger. Unfortunately, that sweater is now sold out. Do the Tippi sweaters stretch over time or do they stay the same? My Banana Republic merino wool sweaters stretched out so much so wondering if Tippi sweaters do the same. Thank you.
CHL
I actually felt like my Tippi’s shrink a little over time.
January
Mine didn’t stretch, but they did get holes fairly easily, so I don’t buy them anymore. Maybe call around to a few stores to see whether they can get it.
MJ
ALso, if you like the Tippi, try the Talbots Audrey in cashmere. Warmer, softer, mostly don’t pill.
(Former) Clueless Summer
I feel like this has been discussed but I’m always curious – how much do you guys spend on food a month and what is your family situation?
I recently started using Mint and we are spending $1500(!!!!!) a month on food (non-US so slightly higher grocery store prices here and much higher alcohol prices) including groceries, booze, restaurants and take out. We are DINKs who shop at a mid-range grocery store, don’t bring our lunches from home enough and drink a lot of mid-priced wine but we also like to cook, make a lot of reasonably frugal recipes (lentils, ground meats, etc.), I get lunch/dinner paid for by the firm on average once a week or more, and don’t go out for extravagant meals very often. Is $1500 way out of line?
Panda Bear
I asked the same thing a few weeks ago here, but I am also still endlessly curious about people’s food budgets. We’re in the US but otherwise context/lifestyle is similar to what you’ve described, and I would say we’re at about 1500 for food monthly as well. To have more accurate data, though, I need to get better at separating what is actually food vs. non-food spending at the grocery store. Mint will tell me I spent say, $150 at the grocery store but $25-50 of that might be on cleaning supplies, cat litter, etc.
mascot
We are around $1600 a month for dining out and groceries. That number includes paper goods, cleaning supplies and a few personal care items I buy at the grocery, as well as booze purchases. It does not include pet supplies, drugstore purchases, or home maintenance/hardware store items. 2 adults, one growing boy. Kid eats school lunch, DH and I don’t go out for lunch very often during the week, but we do eat out as a family probably 3-4 meals total in a week.
Vicky Austin
I can’t pass judgment on whether $1500 is way out of line (it would be for us, also DINKs in a MCOL in the US, but we don’t buy alcohol very often, hardly ever eat out, bring lunch all the time, are super boring etc.) without knowing what drives it up. From your description, I can’t see any big factors except possibly the wine/alcohol. Keep your food receipts for a month and maybe make a spreadsheet or a list to see if you can spot trends or particular culprits. You can probably do this in Mint, too (i.e., 25% of your monthly food spending goes to restaurants, 30% to booze, whatever), but I like looking at my grocery receipts to see if my ice cream habit or insistence on organic produce is driving up the cost, and then decide whether or not it’s a priority and I can live with the expense (ice cream: kinda; organic produce: yes) and go from there.
Woods-comma-Elle
DH and I probably spend not far off that (in the UK). We are DINKs too and I work in Big-Law so we don’t cook at home a huge amount and love eating out. Other than travel, eating out and booze are easily are highest non-mandatory expense but we’re pretty ok with that because it’s what we like doing.
Anon
Also DINKs, in HCOL, we spend $600/month at the grocery store, and probably another $500 eating out/coffee/alcohol. We make the majority of our meals at home, including lunches we bring to work. But when we eat out, we’re a bit extravagant and get a bottle of wine or go to a fancy brunch place. We count the money spent eating out separately from our grocery budget. For us, eating out is discretionary spending, like entertainment, instead of necessary spending, like groceries and electricity.
Anonymous
I honestly couldn’t figure out how to spend that much. Do you throw a lot away, or eat out a lot? I feel like I buy whatever I want and we’re closer to $500 for me and my husband. We don’t eat out often, though.
Anon
We are closer to $500. We eat out once a week, most of the meals (90%) are cooked from scratch with occasional frozen food. We are vegetarian and I always buy organic when available.
Anon
If you live in Scandinavia or in a European city proper, I can easily believe that. Single, MCOL US city: I spend ~$150-200 per month on groceries. I spend another $150 eating out, and probably avg $100 on alcohol (mostly my wine club). I shop between several places: Aldi for all basics, the bakery for bread, the coop or boutique grocery for produce. I go to Sam’s for all my paper products so I’ll stock up on bulk meat and frozen items every couple months.
Allie
$1350 for groceries, eating out, and buying lunch at work in HCOL area for family of three, so that does not feel wildly off to me.
Anonymous
DINK, we spend a lot on groceries. I’m on a medically restricted diet which excludes many less expensive foods. I read a stat somewhere that in the 60s, “our grandparents” spent a good 17% of their income on food. I guess it makes me feel better to compare my budget to historical norms for food prices and expenditures vs. today’s norms which, in the US, are truly anomalous.
Anon
We’re DINKs in DC, and we spend about $600/month on groceries and maybe $400/month eating out ($40 Chinese food, $40 fancy pizza, $20 diner brunch on Sundays). Our grocery bill is much lower than it would be for comparable couples, though, because DH is an avid hunter and fisherman, so we never buy meat in a store.
CPA Lady
Family of 3, last year we averaged $1,200 a month for groceries (including paper products) and restaurants. This year we’re averaging $970 a month (up through October, but November was a big month, so it may be closer to $1,000), but I’ve made a concerted effort to batch cook and eat out less since last year felt ridiculous. We very rarely eat red meat, so this is high considering that.
Seafinch
We spend roughly $1000 per month for three adults (we have an Au pair) and three big eating kids, in a Canadian city. We make everything from scratch, don`t buy packaged snacks, pack lunches for all of us and rarely, to never, eat out. Breakdown is:
$850 groceries
$200 lunches out
$50 booze (I am pregnant and so this is probably as little as $15 some months but goes up for entertaining)
Anon
$800 a month for our family of 3 in MCOL city. We don’t often eat out, no wine just infrequent beer.
Anon
Family is 2 adults, 1 baby, 1 dog. We’re around $1500/month when we’re at home. That includes dog food, paper products, diapers, wipes, organic baby food (which is really $$$) and some formula. We’re pescatarian at home, don’t buy that much organic for us (just the dirty dozen fruits/veggies and milk) and don’t shop at fancy grocery stores, but we like to eat out regularly and we don’t spend any time couponing or seeking out deals.
I have a separate category for travel that includes food while traveling – we can be very splurgy and eat 3 meals/day out when we’re on vacation so that would add up fast if I counted it towards our food budget.
emeralds
DINKs in MCOL area. We spend about $300/month on groceries (this excludes pet stuff and household items over $10), I spend about $30/month on alcohol to drink at home (SO probably spends another $30-40), and usually around $100-120/month on going out. So somewhere in the $460-$500/month range.
We rarely eat out, get takeout maybe twice a year, and I do as much as possible with Costco. But I also get almost all of our fresh produce and meats of a higher life form than a chicken at the farmer’s market. I like to cook and I don’t mind the daily slog of it.
Anon
About $500-600/month at the grocery store (includes non-grocery items and lots of dinner parties), and then another $1500 on eating out. So about $2k a month for DINKs in DC.
Anon
I am so relieved to hear someone else say this!!! I had the same experience — started buckling down and really using Mint to track things and realized my husband and I were spending $1,600 a month on food. I was horrified. (I grew up in a family of three and I’m pretty sure my mother never spent more than $500 a month.) That was a few months ago and we’ve really cut back since then by eating out less frequently, picking cheaper places when we do eat out, not ordering that second beer/glass of wine when we eat out, etc. Also by meal planning more efficiently (i.e. intentionally planning to use the same ingredients in a couple of different meals and making better use of leftovers) and being way better about bringing lunch to work. We’ve cut back to around $1,000 (I would like to be around $800, but it’s a work in progress).
Senior Attorney
We spent about $1900 last month for groceries (food only), Blue Apron, alcohol, and dining out. DINKs in HCOL. Food and drink are big hobbies with us and we have weekly dinner parties for 8.
DCR
I’m single, and eat most meals at home and bring my lunch to work. I spend about $200 a month at the grocery store, about $125-175 eating out (brunch with friends, drinks at happy hour, dates, etc), and another $20-30 for meals/snacks at work (soda in the afternoon once in a while, lunch out once in a while). It seems crazy to me that I spend almost $400 a month on food, but I can’t seem to get it lower without cutting out meals out which is a main form of socializing with friends.
Ginjury
This is maybe a weird approach, but I’m in a similar situation and I lump eating out with friends, happy hours, and anything else social as entertainment (which also includes hobbies, books, and other activities that are purely for fun), rather than as part of my food budget. To me, this makes more sense because the goal of these activities is more socialization, rather than feeding myself. Maybe reframing your spending that way might help?
I spend $150-200 per month at the grocery store, plus another $50 or so on take-out/snacks, which seems in line with what you’re spending.
Anon
I mean, if that’s what you and your partner want and you can afford it, then I don’t think it’s out of line. It’s probably pretty far from the mean, but you don’t have to make your choices based on that.
I’m a single person in a location with some of the highest grocery prices in the U.S. I spend about $350-400 per month on groceries and also eat out way too much (another couple hundred per month maybe?). I do want to get my food costs down, mostly by spending less on eating out.
Duckles
Single in biglaw. I spend about $300 on groceries a month (which includes two meal kits) and $650 eating out (which includes takeout lunch and two coffees most work days). That includes alcohol with meals out but not money spent just at bars.
Anonymous
Late chiming in but it is SO EASY for this number to creep. We are a family of 5, kids are 5,3 and baby just starting solids. At one point I looked at we were $1k+ and I freaked out. I started a bit of meal planning and challenged us as a family to do *one* grocery run per week. We got it down to $500 AND weeknights were less stressful. It wasn’t like, 4 nights of leftovers, either. And DH buys lunch at work every day- it’s ~$7 and just not worth it to deal with bringing lunch. I work from home and eat leftovers most days.
All this to say $1500 is easy to do, but also easy to curb if you want.
anon
I just left my NYC law firm job to go in-house this month. Previously, my practice group would chip in for year-end American Express gift cards for our legal assistants. I obviously won’t be asked to chip in, but I am thinking of sending my former assistant something just from me so she doesn’t get totally short-changed. Would $100 gift card seem appropriate–it’s less than I would have chipped in if I still worked there, but I don’t, plus I took a pay cut and am watching my spending. Don’t want to be a Grinch, though!
Anonymous
You don’t work there anymore. You aren’t expected to do anything and I wouldn’t.
anon
I agree that you are under no obligation to do so but your former assistant would be absolutely thrilled. I would go for it!
Idea
This! Any amount will be unexpected and generous.
AFT
Ditto this. I was in a similar position last year and totally intended to do something similar… but frankly forgot :( I did send a heartfelt family christmas card to my rock-star secretary, which she loved, so even if you don’t do a bonus/gift, a note to wish her happy holidays would certainly be appreciated!
Senior Attorney
I agree. Do it — your assistant will be so pleased!
Fancy Candles
I was browsing Blue Mercury the other day and were looking at their Dipthyque candles. They smelled amazing and I know they have a cult following but are they worth it?? Or expensive ($50+) candles better than Yankee or a similarly priced brand?
Anonymous
I have a baies candle and the smell is incredibly potent and it burns more cleanly – not comparable to a Yankee candle at all in terms of quality. I actually think it smells kind of like an old lady candle, though. I bought it online because it sounded amazing but it wasn’t the right scent for me.
Equestrian Attorney
I love Diptyque but am not a fan of the Baies scent – the ones I like are Figuier (fig tree) ,Feuille de Lavande, Cedre, and Mimosa. They do burn clearly, smell great and the empty containers are very pretty to repurpose – I use them to store various odds and ends in my bathroom. I don’t know if they are truly worth the price but I like them and they last a long time.
Fancy Candles OP
How do you clean out your containers/do you have any good tutorials to share? Id love to do this but I tried once with a different brand candle and failed!
SW
Have you tried putting them in the freezer? That works if there is not a crazy amount of wax left.
Equestrian Attorney
I wait until the wax is pretty close to all gone, then pick out the metallic disc that the wick is on (do not forgot to do this while the wax is still warm), throw out the remaining wax (you can microwave it for 30 seconds to make sure it’s nice and liquid, see metallic thingy note above though) and gently wash with warm water and dish soap.
Tired
I think they are 100% worth it because you can actually smell them when they’re burning and the smells are amazing! Cheap candles have no “throw” and just smell like chemicals to me.
anon
I am deeply suspicious that a $50 candle is better than a moderately priced one. About a year ago, I bought a fancy candle at a boutique shop and was super disappointed. It was 100% not worth the money and I totally bought into the marketing hype. The scent was nice but it didn’t have any throw whatsoever. I like my BB&W candles a whole lot more.
Cat
I have a sampler set of Diptyque from the NAS, and those suckers last a LONG time. You don’t need to burn them long at all, maybe 10 minutes, to get a lovely scent throughout a room. Maybe go for the $35 size unless you know for sure you love the fragrance.
Fancy Candles OP
This is a good idea. I wanted to go for the $65 bc Id get more for my money but if its nothing special I’ll be mad I spent that much hahaha
S
Voluspa hits a good middle ground, IMO. Cheap candles like Yankee Candle just give me a headache. The higher end ranges, like Diptyque, employ some impressive ‘noses’ to construct their scents, so they’re more aesthetic and considered.
Anonymous
I assume many scents, high end and low end, are annoying to cats, but I have noticed that my cats actively avoid cheap candles. Could be as simple as a paraffin vs. soy wax preference, but I’ve found that a cheap scented candle is an effective cat repellent in a way that spendy candles are not.
Where to go over Christmas?
Looking for ideas for a 5 day getaway for our family of four (two kids, 3 and 5). We live on the east coast (northern Virginia) and are moving to the west coast next year, so we’d like to take advantage of the geography while we’re still here and do something close to this side.
Kids have never been to NYC, is that a good trip around Xmas time? Other east coast cities we should consider? Would prefer someplace not freezing but otherwise we’re very open — we like museums, nature, good food, beach, etc. Caribbean is also another option (we have been to Aruba, Jamaica and Grand Cayman and would prefer to try someplace new).
Anonymous
The Greenbrier is beautiful for xmas, as is Williamsburg. Very east coast places that you won’t be able to see again easily. Maybe also Charleston / Savannah?
I like NYC better when it is warmer (and TBH it will be a great place to visit for your kids’ whole lives, so no need to rush there). Always easy to fly to from the West Coast.
Mrs. Jones
Asheville is awesome.
Anonymous
Asheville? We stayed at a fancy hotel there (name is escaping me) with my family over Christmas once year, and it was pretty magical. NC, so East Coast wintry, but not unbearably cold.
Gail the Goldfish
I’m guessing it was Grove Park Inn in Asheville.
Anonymous
Yes!
anon
i love NYC at xmas time and there is a lot to do with kids, BUT the weather is obviously unpredictable and it could be freezing. you might like Charleston. We loved it when we visited. New Orleans? You could also do the east coast of Mexico. The Dominican Republic.
Anonymous
We spent Christmas in New Orleans last year. It was amazing and inexpensive to boot.
Idea
I agree with appreciating the Revolutionary/Civil War history while you’re close to it.
Mount Vernon, Monticello, Philadelphia, Harper’s Ferry are suggestions to go along with Williamsburg, VA. Jamestown and Yorktown are near Williamsburg, too.
Near Asheville is the Biltmore Estate.
And of course…. Florida, maybe the Space Coast?
Anon
I don’t know about 5 days but you should definitely try to get into NYC with your kids for a weekend before xmas. See the trees, the decor, the ice skaters. It’s a pilgrimage for a lot of people and will be much harder to do after you move.
Anon
+1. NYC is really amazing at Christmas and it’s such an easy trip for you now. I say do it.
Anonymous
I live in NYC with a 6 year old and think this trip would be better with older kids. With young children NYC’s crowds and schlep factor are more of a pain, and some of the magic of seeing landmarks isn’t there. And the weather is not reliable for spending hours at a playground. Christmas crowding is insane too.
NYCer
Agree with this. NYC with a three year old in winter would not be my first choice of a vacation.
How about Charleston, SC if you want a city? (Though 5 days might be a lot in my opinion.) I would probably pick Turks and Caicos or Barbados or the Virgin Islands if it were me.
NYCer
Miami can also be surprisingly fun/easy with kiddos!
Professional Backpack?
Suggestions for a professional backpack for men? My first thought is Tumi but wanted to see if anyone else has other recommendations. It needs to hold a laptop and maybe some files.
CHL
Depending on level of formality, you could also look at Everlane. I have a backpack from there that I love. It is not as fancy as Tumi but not like a school backpack.
Annynon
I love my Everlane backpack (the modern snap backpack) ! Only drawback is that it can pick up a lot of lint but I just lint roll it every week and its fine.
Sarabeth
Same on both counts. Love the backpack, but if I did again, I would get it in the nylon rather than the canvas twill. So much lint.
Fadedsunrise
I have an Everlane commuter backpack and I take it to court with me if I need to carry any files, rather than schlepping a tote and a separate redwell. I think its plenty formal and doesn’t raise any eyebrows+ others bring backpacks too.
busybee
I like my Henri Bendel jetsetter. The regular size (not mini) holds a laptop.
anon
How do you deal with friends who seem to only show up when they have big news (engaged, pregnant, new job) but never really check in with you otherwise?
I have a friend like this and I’m pretty over it. She texted to tell me she’s pregnant this week and she wants to get together. I haven’t heard from her in months and she flaked on the last two things I invited her to. If we get together, I feel like I can’t really call her out on this stuff because I have to be congratulatory and excited about the baby. But if I don’t call her out, the pattern continues! What do I do?
Anonymous
If you don’t want to continue the friendship, decline. Say you’re booked up through the holidays but maybe Jan and then don’t follow up.
Anonymous
I honestly don’t think she is doing anything wrong here, but if you want to stop being friends, just stop getting together with her. I have a number of good friends who I don’t see or even call/text regularly, but we do share exciting news about pregnancies and engagements etc when they happen, because we are friends and want to keep each other posted on our lives and think our friends will be excited for us, which I think is normal? These exchanges often naturally lead to follow-up “we should get together!” messages, which don’t always amount to much.
Anonymous
So, it is normal. I just don’t think it is great. It’s pretty self centered to only reach out when you have something exciting to share.
January
I know someone like this, and truthfully, she’s just self-centered. I don’t think there’s anything you can do to change her.
Shopaholic
Honestly, I just expect less from my friends who are married/have kids. That sounds terrible written out but I don’t expect them to be there for me in the way I would expect from other friends because that’s just not what the friendship is anymore.
Anonymous
Shopaholic, I’m not doubting your experience, but it goes both ways. My experience is that my single friends are flakier than those married/with children because they are used to doing what they want, when they want and not demonstrating the level of coordination required to juggle household and family responsibilities with a spouse and childcare help. To each her own. Either way ,it is challenging to maintain friendships these days.
Anon
Same for me. My friends with kids have to plan their schedules to the minute so if they make plans, they show up. My flakiest friends (I have posted about them on here before – remember Emily?) are single and childless.
DCR
FWIW, I’ve had the opposite experience. My parent friends often cancel because a kid is sick or the babysitter cancelled or the kid wants to go somewhere or they found a great family event for that day. With one of my parent friends, we have to attempt 2-3 times at least before we actually get together, her kids are there most of the time (which I’m fine with), and I always have to plan it. My single friends are a lot less likely to cancel and a lot more likely to also make an effort
AnonTechie
I’ve been this parent friend on occasion (hello winter)- having friends that are open to occasionally hang out at home (kid is either asleep, or happy to chill by himself with a hug, some attention every ~15-30 min) with Seamless (or Deliveroo where I live) and wine has been super helpful.
I don’t know if you are willing and able to do that, but if you are, it may be a way to keep in touch with your parent- friends
Worry about yourself
I’d probably meet this friend and congratulate her, but the next time I invite her to something and she flakes, or flat-out tells me she’s too busy, that’s when I’d tell her what’s bothering me. I don’t expect a lot from my friends, I know we all have a lot going on – work, relationships, hobbies, parties other people are inviting us to, family, going to the gym, the list goes on – if someone’s hard to make plans with and I don’t see them at parties and group hangouts, I just don’t consider them a super close friend. I can’t be mad at someone who never checks in with me if I don’t check in with them.
Anon
You can’t get your friend to change. The only thing you can control is how you deal with it.
Anonymous
If she flaked twice during her first trimester, I would give her a pass. Maybe she wasn’t feeling well and couldn’t say anything. Beyond that, I would always drop a flake.
KonMari Addict
+1
I was not doing anything optional during my first trimester. I was sleeping or puking.
MNF
+1 This was my thought – maybe she’s been home puking.
Worry about yourself
+1 that’s a good point, if I’m puking but it’s early in the pregnancy, I may not be ready to tell people anything more than “I’m not feeling well,” even if it sounds like a cheap excuse to bail. Same goes if I was too tired, my good “going out” clothes were a bit too tight, or if I knew that people would notice and get suspicious if I wasn’t drinking (like if they invited me out FOR drinks).
Anonymous
More than a week ago I got new glasses with my first pair of progressive lenses. The additional power for reading is minimal. The glasses are fine for reading and when working at the computer at my desk, but for anything farther away from my face than the computer screen my vision is worse than it was with my last pair of glasses, no matter which way I tilt my head. Is that just the way progressives are, or should I go back to the eye doctor and complain about the distance portion of the prescription?
Monday
That is NOT the way progressives are. Your vision should be about the same near and far when you have the right prescription. Something is definitely not working. Go back to the doctor.
Saguaro
I have found that progressives do not give me the same quality of reading/distance viewing as my other glasses that are just reading or just distance. I like my progressives for work, because I can read and see distance without having to take my glasses off each time, so it works well for that. But I seriously have 4 pairs of glasses in my purse that I rotate through depending on the activity: progressives for work, distance only for driving or distance only tasks like watching a movie in the theater, reading only for reading a book or my phone, and non-prescription sunglasses (which I would like to have in each category too, but I just can’t go there). Obviously I can wear just my progressives for each of these tasks, but many times I want a better quality of viewing so I switch out the glasses. I hate it but I have accepted it.
NOLA
Definitely go back to your eye doctor. My first pair were a nightmare and we had to tinker. And we even have since then (I got headaches with my last prescription until he changed it slightly). Just make sure you get your lenses made someplace where they’ll remake them if there’s a problem. I have never managed to get mine to work properly for the computer, so my dr writes a second lesser prescription for computer distance that are single vision and I buy cheap pairs of those at Zenni.
Murz
I’m looking for a cabinet to go under my tv. Due to weird dimensions, I think I need to order something custom. Ideally I think it would be like shallow kitchen-like cabinets. I also think a credenza or “fauxdenza” describes the style.
Does anyone have recommendations for companies to use? I’ve contacted a few but my order is either too small (they only do kitchen renovations) or too custom (they only have 3 depths to choose from and all are too wide). I’m in the DC area if anyone knows of a handyman that can just build something from scratch. That would be amazing, too!
Anonymous
Try an Amish cabinet/furniture maker. They make anything.
Anon
What size are you looking for? You should be able to find 12″ish deep cabinets out there. https://www.wayfair.com/furniture/pdp/millwood-pines-swiderski-vintage-sideboard-ptid1532.html
BB
Not sure how built-in you’re looking for, but Room and Board does custom sizes on many of their shelving units.
Anon
Look on Craigslist under furniture for listings of people who make custom stuff. I’ve seen people advertise that way where I live.
Greensleeves
Check out Room and Board. They have a few lines of “custom” cabinets that come in a variety of sizes and configurations. The quality on the ones we bought is excellent!
TV stand DIY
Had the same requirement! Strange corner for TV and needed a stand or cabinet to fit. After searching and not finding anything available, we built our own farmhouse chic model with wooden apple crates from the flea market (we live in PA apple orchard region). We love it and get lots of compliments on our $45 investment!!!!
MJ
Try Priley Lane. Their stuff is expensive but very chic.
NYC at Christmas Time
Going to NYC for a week for the Christmas holiday with hubs and two teens. We live in a warm climate, so I am not sure what we should wear on our feet for lots of walking and sightseeing. Normally we would all wear sneakers, but that probably won’t be warm enough. I don’t think we need full blown snow boots, especially since we will probably never need them again, but I am thinking that regular boots/booties (like a Chelsea boot) might not be comfortable enough to walk all day. Any suggestions?
Anonymous
Sneakers are fine as long as they’re not the mostly mesh kind. Get warmer socks if needed. Many people will be wearing regular boots. Snow boots are not necessary if it’s not going to snow.
Anonymous
Sneakers and warm socks are fine unless it’s snowing.
cat socks
Agree that sneakers should be fine. Wear a warm coat, layers, gloves and a hat to keep the rest of your body warm.
Ms B
I normally wear my Frye Veronicas or streamlined hiking shoes in NYC this time of year (both with warm wool socks) unless it actually is going to be snowy and/or wet, at which point I change to Bean boots with regular or shearling insoles. I do like to alternate shoes from day to day or during the day to ward off blisters.
Fishie
My friend says (and I agree) that you want boots to avoid “city juice” – the mystery puddles (garbage water? urine?) all over the city. Wear sneaks and your feet will likely be wet.
Anonymous
Urine??? Really:(
Fishie
“Warm” socks does not necessarily mean thick socks. Thick socks can make your shoes too tight and ruin your whole day. And not cotton socks. Honestly, I usually wear cheap knee socks from Amazon or Old navy under boots when in NYC and my feet are fine as long as the shoes are comfortable. Don’t wear new shoes.
The key to NYC is layers. Bulky coats and hats and scarves and stuff may seem like a good idea when its cold, but walking around all day will keep you warmish and carrying all that heavy stuff becomes a drag. My norm is cami, t-shirt, cashmere sweater, wool coat (unless it’s raining and then a raincoat with one more warm layer like a fleece vest, but then I will swap the sweater for something lighter like a long sleeved t or light turtleneck). No cotton – you will sweat and it will stay wet. Maybe a light scarf. A good hat (not too many crochet holes) and light mittens with comfortable boots and a cross body bag will do you good. You want to be as mobile as possible!
Fishie
To answer the shoe question more specifically I often wear Frye engineer boots in the city. They are essentially waterproof and quite comfortable. Whatever you get, break it in. And even a 2 inch heel will wear on the balls of your feet by the end of the day.
Sarabeth
If you want to get new shoes, I would look at Merrell or Teva waterproof boots (not hiking boots). They come in a variety of styles, are super comfortable, and look basically like any other flat boot.
Horse Crazy
Looking for a recommendation for rain boots under $150 that look sleek enough to wear to the office,and that fit a wide foot. Thank you!
Gigi
I love my Tinsley rain boots by Sam Edelman.
Anonymous
Not sure if you consider Hunter boots sleek, but mine probably have the best cost per wear of any shoe I own since I’ve had them for nearly 10 years. In Chicago I routinely see them around the office and even in court.
Anon
Has anyone seen a flannel bathrobe for women, maybe about shin length, that is NOT plaid? The only one I’ve found is at Garnet Hill, but I don’t love the pattern choices, but I’ll go with it if I have to. (How often do they have sales? Choosing a pattern I don’t love is a lot easier when it’s not $100.)
Pompom
Not sure about the shin length part, but check Vermont Country Store for Lanz of Salzburg. Are they the most modern sleek patterns? No. But they are warm, and boy do they last. My mom–70–is still wearing her blue tyrolian stripe flannel robe from when I was a baby (I’m close to 33).
Original Moonstone
https://www.vermontcountrystore.com/lanz-tyrolean-flannel-wrap-robe/product/60363
There are some other options on that site, too.
Susan
I have one from thecatspjs dot com that I really like. You could try bedheadpjs dot com, as well.
NOLA
The Company Store has a few: http://www.thecompanystore.com/pajamas-robes/fall-womens-flannel-robe/68028J-BAYBERRY.html?dwvar_68028J-BAYBERRY_color=BAYBERRY#start=1
vicarious shopping
Anyone know of affordable highwaisted work pants? I really like old navy pixie pants and gap curvy skinny ankle pants, but I wish the waist band was an inch or two higher.
Anonymous
j crew cameron high rise pant
It’s been on all kinds of sale lately and I just picked up a pair for $45 ish. These fit my pear shaped self really well. I like the thicker fabric with a bit of stretch – they keep their shape and are flattering. I ordered tall so I could hem them to a slightly longer length to wear with ankle boots and they still look good with flats.
I tried So.Many.Pants. and these were better than much more expensive ones.
ADE
Jcrew has the high-waisted Cameron pant.
Anonymous
Try Chico’s.
Kk
On the images for the black Boden ottoman dress, Nordstrom refreshingly shows the woman wearing flats, standing flat footed. It made me realize that many of us wear below-the-knee pencil skirts and slim dresses with flats, but we almost never see stock images of women wearing them this way- theyre always in heels or in a strange jumping/pointing/elongating pose.
Kk
https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/boden-mia-ottoman-dress/5060996?origin=coordinating-5060996-0-1-PDP_2-recbot-fbt_mega&recs_placement=PDP_2&recs_strategy=fbt_mega&recs_source=recbot&recs_page_type=product&recs_seed=5107847
Anonymous
Cool BUT ALSO I love that they raised the back so it’s not lower in the back! I might have to replace my current ones with this because I think they are *so* much better!
Sarabeth
Agree! I hesitate to buy dresses and skirts online because I only ever wear flats and the models are always in heels. I am pretty good at telling which skirts will look ok in flats, but it’s so nice to have an actual picture.
Fishie
Writing to report that I’m wearing my Uniqlo heattech undershirt for the first time today and it is delightful! Not uncomfortable, bulky, too short, or unstretchy like the cheap baselayers I’ve bought at big box stores. Very light and not sweaty, just comfortable. Approve! Thanks, hive, for the suggestion.
Party Help
I’m hosting a bunch of adults and kids of varying ages for a day to evening family celebration. I have mini sandwiches & dessert taken care of. What else can I serve that is a) super easy and b) would round out that sort of spread? I will probably make some kind of grain salad. Other ideas? Premade ok, make ahead even better!
Ms B
Bread bowl with Knorr’s spinach dip. I am able to buy at my local grocery, or make the dip the day before and scoop out the bread for serving day of.
Also, Costco has a wide variety of tasty items that can be warmed up in the oven easily e.g. cheese puffs, mini tostadas or spanikopitas, etc. Always good for a crowd!
anon
veggie platter/pita chips and hummus
some other kind of chips and dip
pasta salad
Veronica Mars
I think some meatballs sitting in a crockpot would be really easy and a hit with the kids. You could either do something like teriyaki meatballs, or some other easy marinade and then have toothpicks for serving. Another idea would be a panzanella. I just made one from the Pioneer Woman’s recipe and it’s super easy to make ahead and is a nice healthy option.
Anonymous
Without going into too much detail (don’t want to out myself), a new lawyer at my firm was responsible for drafting one section of a brief I was writing for our boss, who would then argue the case. The section required a fair bit of tedious calculations and analysis, not difficult, just time consuming. She had over 2 weeks to complete it and I warned her that it would take at least 12 hours, likely more. Long story short, she did not do it and lied to me about it. She sent me her work product, which was completely wrong and unusable, 2 days late and I could see in the word document she had started it 1 hour before she sent it to me and spent 15 minutes on it (and it looks like it took 15 minutes). I had to start her section from scratch and work very late to get it done on time as a result. My question is… considering she is my peer, should I confront her at all about this? Or just keep my distance going forward (I was previously very friendly and helping her develop her sea legs here).
Senior Attorney
Ugh. I don’t think I could restrain myself from asking “What the actual frack? I had to work all night re-doing your crappy work!”
anon
I think you should tell the partner what happened. The work is going to get billed, and you don’t want your time to get cut, so the partner needs to know why you had to redo the work. You can be factual and keep the conversation about the file, not about the impact on your personal life and sleep.
From there, the partner can handle it however he or she wants. I wouldn’t confront a peer, as tempting as it may be. Keep your distance, and raise your concerns generally if you’re asked to work with the associate again. If you have to work with her again, set artificial deadlines and plan to redo the work until she proves herself (admittedly, not likely).
Anon
I wouldn’t say anything to her, just keep my distance. I’d give her the benefit of a doubt this time – she could have had an illness or family crisis or some other issue that prevented her from doing good work.
Anon
I’d bring it up with her supervisor. This is unacceptable and if the Boss had argued something erroneous and faulty in court due to her error, the consequences might have been severe.
Even if she’d had other things going on – family illness, etc. – she had to two weeks to work on it and should have told someone if she’d lost the bandwidth to get it done.
OP
For the record, the thing I would confront about is the lying. She told me it was done at a time before it had even been started (among several other lies).
anon
I’m the anon@1:12. I still suggest escalating this up. If she lied to you about when it was done, she might also have billed for work she didn’t actually do. Don’t let yourself be the fall person here.
Anonymous
Don’t hang too much on the time the doc was created. She could have started work in a different document — if she’s sloppy, maybe she saved it locally and didn’t add it to your doc management system until the very end. The point you need to make clear is that you needed to bill the extra time because the work wasn’t complete and your impression was that she rushed.
Carrie
Looking for a gift for my 13 year old niece (8th grade). Would a classic jean jacket be appropriate? She lives in Northern California, if it matters. Thanks!
Anonymous
I have a daughter around that age. Some of her peers are wearing jean jackets, but most kids who want a jean jacket will already have one. If you want to give her clothing, I’d ask her parents if there is a particular splurge item she’s been coveting, then get exactly the brand, size, and color she wants. That would really thrill her.
In general, kids this age have very particular preferences that may not line up with adult expectations. For example, my daughter would be ecstatic to receive her very own hardbound set of Jane Austen books (which I loved as a teen), but would be totally nonplussed by The Lord of the Rings (which I also adored at the same age). Best to get the inside scoop from her parents.
Anon
My daughter goes to Berkeley High and asked for a jean jacket for Christmas, if that helps. I think they are totally in.
Anonymous
Yes, but include a gift receipt.
Book lady
Paging the poster who asked about practicing in Pittsburgh a few days ago. I moved to Pittsburgh 2 years ago after practicing in a bigger city. I’ve actually found it easier to make friends and professional contacts here. I found people a lot more approachable and friendly. Professionally, I think the smaller legal community makes it easier to really get to know people. I joined a midsize firm that was great about taking me around and introducing me to people at events, so you might have a different experience depending where you would end up. Personally, I do think it can be a bit difficult to break into friend groups who have been here together since grade school. I grew up in the area but I didn’t stay close with any friends from here, so I was basically starting from scratch friend-wise. I have a few people I would call friends who I met through bar activities. But I have two young kids and my social life is just not really a priority right now so I’m satisfied with that. I can’t say what it would be like for someone younger or without kids looking for more of an active social scene.
Anonymous
Thank you, Book lady! That is helpful to know. Depending on how things progress, I may post again for more advice, or perhaps to meet for coffee!
DC non-Smithsonian options?
Need a family-friendly location/activity in DC for a Sunday meetup with extended family. Must be Metro-accessible. We are semi-local and tired of the usual tourist stuff; the visitors are coming from the Midwest. Group will include two 6-year-olds. I’m thinking something like brunch followed by ice skating; not sure where we could do that, though. Recommendations? Other ideas?
Anon
You can get to Mount Vernon from the Huntington stop – take the Fairfax Connector 101 bus. https://www.mountvernon.org/plan-your-visit/directions-parking-transportation/
B
The Wharf is touristy, but newish, so that may fit your bill. They’ve got an ice rink and I think its open, already, but I would check. There’s a shuttle from L’enfant, or it’s like an 8 minute walk down. For brunch, I’d recommend Mi Vida. If you don’t want full brunch, there’s a District Donuts at the end by the Fish Market.
DCR
If you want ice skating, there are rinks at the National Gallery of Art sculpture garden and at the wharf. Other options that kids might like are the spy museum and the National Children’s museum out at national harbor.
Anon
Tip from a National Harbor resident: don’t even think about taking the bus to the metro. I tried it once during the week between Christmas and New Years, when there’s no traffic in the city, and it took 77 minutes. I’m a huge public transit cheerleader, but NH is just not accessible.
Anonymous
Botanic Gardens by the Capitol which is done up for the holidays, brunch at the Smithaonian Mus. of the American Indian followed by National Gallery ice rink. Have fun!
Joey
Is anyone an expert (or knowledgeable…) on all the suiting colors that Theory has produced over the years?
I purchased 4 Theory suits back in 2010 when I was first entering the job force. I got black, charcoal, a light/grey oatmeal ish color, and what i thought was navy (it’s kind of like a slate color, like a blue-ish grey). I recently re-entered the workforce after grad school, and wanted to get dresses to match the jackets (pants don’t fit anymore). I got a dress in navy but it didn’t match my navy jacket! Gahh. My understanding is that Theory has been very consistent in their suiting fabric, making it easy to buy pieces in different years and be OK in terms of matching. Does anyone know what colors they’ve made and discontinued, and what colors are always around? Many thanks :)
Anonymous
Your 8 year old suit is done. Sorry.
Anonymous
Even if the colors have been produced consistently, there is no way an 8-year-old piece will match a brand-new piece due to fading. (This is also why you are supposed to send all pieces of your suit to be dry-cleaned at the same time). I would buy non-matching dresses to go with the existing jackets–e.g., gray dress with black or navy jacket, black dress with charcoal jacket, pink dress with oatmeal jacket.