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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Jersey Side-Tie Dress

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Brooks Brothers only recently started carrying dresses for under $100, and I'm liking this one — the orangey-red is definitely fun, the reviewers seem to really like the stretchy, machine-washable fabric, particularly noting that it's soft and easy to pack. I normally wouldn't think of this as a desk-to-dinner kind of dress, but the styling here is making me question that. It's $68 at Brooks Brothers, available in sizes XS-XL. Jersey Side-Tie Dress Eloquii has a plus-size option that's on sale for $39. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 1/22/25:

  • Nordstrom – Cashmere on sale; AllSaints, Free People, Nike, Tory Burch, and Vince up to 60%; beauty deals up to 25% off
  • AllSaints – Clearance event, now up to 70% off (some of the best leather jackets!)
  • Ann Taylor – All sale dresses $40 (ends 1/23)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything
  • Boden – Clearance, up to 60% off!
  • DeMellier – Final reductions now on, free shipping and returns — includes select options like Montreal, Vancouver, and Venice
  • Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; extra 50% off all clearance, plus ELOQUII X kate spade new york collab just dropped
  • Everlane – Sale of the year, up to 70% off; new markdowns just added
  • J.Crew – Up to 40% off select styles; up to 50% off cashmere
  • J.Crew Factory – End of season sale, extra 60-70% off clearance, online only
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale – extra 50% off

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

274 Comments

  1. Any ideas for making a hotel room feel more like home when traveling on business? I have been traveling/flying a lot lately (new job) and I hate the “living out of a suitcase” feeling. So far hanging up my clothes in the closet has helped with this feeling but looking for other ideas. Any other business travel tips welcome as well!

    1. Bring your own hair dryer, bring your own pillow, bring casual clothes/pajamas to wear in the room. If your stay is long enough (and if your room has a fridge), buy breakfast items and snacks to have around so you don’t have to eat out every meal.

    3. Depends on how important this is to you–I wouldn’t want to weigh down my suitcase with extra things, but bringing my own bedside clock (and putting the hotel’s clock in a drawer) so that in the middle of the night I see a familiar sight and bringing photos of my family from home. Once there, buy flowers from the local grocery store (or wherever) and see if your hotel has a vase you can use. The look and smell can definitely help!

    4. If I’m there for more than a few days, I’ll pick up cheap flowers at a grocery/corner market and put them in the water glasses. I’m also a fan of small travel candles.

    5. I would put a soft, lightweight blanket in my bag. I like to snuggle up with a blanket in the evening.

    6. I never thought of it as “homey”- but the first thing i do is unpack my own “breakfast bar” with bottled coffee drinks, fruit, and the Nature Path instant oatmeal. If theres a fridge and I’ve had a chance to hit a grocery store, I also stock up on salad and pasta so I can eat alone in my room for quiet time.

    7. Staying in the same brand as much as possible helps me. Part of what makes it feel like home is the familiarity.

    8. I have been in consulting for 3 years with Mon-Thu on travel every week. My tips to make things homey:
      I always unpack the same way, especially my toiletries – I like them lined up in my bathroom instead of rummaging through a dopp kit.
      At home, I have a reed diffuser of a fragrance I really like (Istanbul by Atelier Rebul) so carrying a candle of that scent immediately makes my hotel smell like home, but it is a fire hazard so you know yourself best.
      I scent my pajamas with same scent be it at home or on travel.
      If you are just getting started and feeling homesick, you can have a small frame with a photo of a dear one on your bedside.
      I always listen to the same type of music for my morning and night routine, so I use the same spotify list when at a hotel.
      Pack my favorite teas if I know that I don’t like the hotel ones

      1. +1 to keeping your things in the same place in every hotel room. It also helps prevent you from leaving anything behind when you pack up.

      2. +1 to unpacking. I unpack completely if I am staying more than 1 night. I have a hanging toiletry case, and I put a towel on the sink and lay out my makeup/skincare items and hair stuff.

        For me feeling “at home” or at comfortable in a hotel isn’t about bringing comfort items from home, its more about not feeling imprisoned in a hotel room.
        Bring comfy loungewear so you can hang in your hotel room not in PJs or work clothes.
        Take advantage of the local area and hotel common spaces if you can. At home, you don’t spend all your time in your bedroom (do you?). Bring jeans or casual clothes you can go out in and sit in a quiet space in the lobby/restaurant to read, check emails, do a little work. Go to Starbucks, grab breakfast at a coffee shop.
        Don’t eat in your room (unless you do that at home, and then by all means…).

        1. Also, I immediately find a drugstore and get some snacks and water for my room. Not every hotel has bottle filling stations and the complimentary bottles (if they have them) are not nearly enough to hydrate during travel.
          I also have Hulu plus so I can watch my normal channels in their normal format pretty much wherever I am.

    9. I have 1/4 of my suitcase saved for this goal. Lavender travel candle. Travel sheet from amazon (sleeping bag). Large cotton travel scarf to cover the pillow case. Slipper socks. Cotton leggings and sleepytime tunic. Bose headphone to listen to meditation/white noise when I am sleeping. Tea packets. Kodiak oatmeal cups for breakfast (I don’t like listening to people clear their throats, blow their noses, and cough, or toddlers crying/bickering when I am trying to eat at the group hotel breakfast area in the morning). It’s a lot, but it sets me up for a more successful day because I feel good.

      1. Misphonia friends, unite! The coughing, throat clearing, nose blowing makes me cuckoo.

    11. I check my bag so I can take a good selection of travel size toiletries in my usual brands, a pair of slip on tennis shoes so I can take short walks or run errands, and either a swimsuit or work out clothes. I also take two pairs of work shoes so my feet don’t get tired from being crammed in the same pumps day after day. And I wear a giant scarf and fluffy socks on the plane.

    12. I used to have a 75% travel schedule. I did it for a little over four years. I never wanted to carry/pack a bunch of crap to feel homey, because I was strictly carry-on, but I also wanted to optimize my sleep, which wasn’t always easy because of changing time zones.

      I always completely unpacked as soon as I got to my room. This included both hanging items and drawer items. I would usually even unpack my toiletries a little – for example, put my makeup brushes and toothbrush in a glass in the bathroom rather than rummaging around in my toiletries bag for them every time.

      I always brought some form of slippers, usually flip flops, and pajamas or loungewear. Just one set so they didn’t take up a lot of room, but I didn’t want to be hanging out in my work clothes when I got back to my room.

      The most important thing for me was not packing for some other imaginary person but packing for the real me. What I mean by that was packing the clothing and toiletries I used in my real life at home, not falling into that trap of packing that blouse or skirt I never wear because I’m going to be a different person on this trip and enjoy wearing the blouse or skirt. For all my toiletries, I bought two of everything and always had a full set ready to go in my roller (I still do this.) So not random samples of brands I don’t use that I happened to get from Sephora. My usual stuff.

      Honestly I was usually so focused on optimizing my time away from home and getting as much done as possible, I didn’t spend a ton of time in my hotel room.

      1. My goal in life is to someday pack for the real me and not that imaginary, aspirational travel me. It’s still a work in progress :)

      2. +1, have been doing m-th for 5 years.

        I always have a change if casual clothes/shoes, which tends to double as airplane wear.

        I never bring anything that would weigh me down. It’s more the habits that start to make you feel at home.

    13. In addition to the other comments, one of the things that makes the biggest impact for me is to use one of the bathroom glasses to store my makeup brushes. It’s a very little touch that makes me feel at home.

      1. What about to comment the same thing! I always take one or two of the water glasses and put my makeup brushes i one and my toothbrush in the other. I set out the rest of my toiletries neatly and put the empty toiletry bag in my main suitcase and hide it in the closet (or bottom drawer of a dresser since I usually travel w/ a soft duffel). Having my suitcases out of sight makes it feel more homey to me.

    14. I’m on the road Monday-Thursday, and feel this pain! In addition to workout clothes, I bring a set of “cozy clothes” (usually leggings, a soft long sleeve top, and a pair of grippy socks) to wear when hanging out in the room by myself. I always unpack my toiletries on top of a towel on the counter in the bathroom, and I’m always using the exact same toiletries I would use at home- it’s one less point of decision fatigue for me if I can keep my same hair/skin/hair routines. I stay in courtyard marriotts a lot- it’s comforting to me that I know exactly what to expect in each one. At night, again, I follow my same home routines- a cup of peppermint tea with honey (I bring my own teabags and small packets of honey packed with my toiletries!), my sonicare toothbrush, and I use the Calm sleep stories or white noise to fall asleep. When all else fails, a sheet mask is a cheap and wonderful way to recharge and bliss out for a few minutes.

      1. Also, following the same diet and exercise routines when I’m on the road. There’s nothing like a hangover or digestive distress to make you wish you were home, so I try and avoid both at all costs.

    15. One thing I do is only have housekeeping come every two or three days- or once a week if I’m there for two or more weeks. I find that being able to make a little mess, or make my own bed (though somewhat imperfectly), helps me feel like the hotel room is my own. The thought of someone coming in to my room every day while I’m gone is the antithesis of homey for me.

      1. Same here.

        I agree on comfy clothes to lounge in – if I’m short on suitcase space, I’ll pack things that are presentable if I go out for ice or even to the hotel breakfast room to grab a coffee – but that I can sleep in also, such as yoga pants and a long-sleeve t-shirt.

        And I take a small bluetooth speaker, so I can listen to my own music or play NPR (the station where I am or the station from home, depending on my mood and what’s going on) anywhere in the room or suite including the bathroom.

    16. I don’t travel all that often and when I do it’s usually for only a couple of days. But I recently had to travel for 6 days and I decided I was going to check a bag and bring some comforts from home. Which were basically my own hair dryer, straightener, cosmetics (I don’t have travel size of all of them), and neti pot (yay allergy season). That helped me a lot. And the type of clothes I change into when I usually get home — leggings and a t-shirt, so I can lounge in the room in comfy clothes.

    17. +1 to everyone else

      I try to keep my bedtime routine as normal as I can. For example, I have to do half an hour of nebulizing + airway clearance each night. I usually do it in an armchair or at a desk when I’m at home, so I don’t suddenly start doing it in bed at a hotel if I don’t have to. I try to recreate the same feeling of “this, then this, then this, then bed” rather than “new hotel, new me!” I sleep with one of the microwaveable owls every night and try super hard to bring it if I can fit it because it makes me feel like I’m home.

      I also try to make my mornings predictable. Including food. I usually eat oatmeal with brown sugar for breakfast, so if I’m able to, I bring some packets of brown sugar and oatmeal, and pick up milk at a local drugstore. I also pick up the snacks I like and always have at home.

      I try to get out of the hotel room when I would normally be out, rather than going to the thing I’m doing and then going back to the hotel and ordering room service. I go out to a local restaurant, stop at a Starbucks in the morning, etc. I know there’s so many coffee shops! Local is best! But when I’m away from home, I want predictability. Except for when I’m in DC and go to Paul, which I will always choose over Starbucks.

    18. General travel tip: keep a second set of all you toiletries/etc. in your suitcase. That way you never need to pack a hairbrush, toothbrush, and everything else because it is already there.

      If you are going to the same place every week, most hotels will keep your suitcase over the weekend do you can stash some stuff there and not take it back and forth.

  2. Just me or is it a bad sign Brooks Brothers has dresses under $100… There aren’t many retailers focusing on work wear and this seems to bode poorly for Brooks Brothers remaining one.

    1. That was my first thought as well, although it doesn’t have much direct impact on me as Brooks Brothers doesn’t fit me well and I don’t usually have much luck there anyway.

    2. Maybe 10 of the 70 or so dresses on their site are under the $100 mark and they appear to all be in the Red Fleece collection. I think they are smart to offer some options since not everyone can drop $300 on a work dress. I don’t see it as a sign of end times.

    3. IDK but check out the poses — I do not really need to know what a dress looks like when a model is sitting on a floor. I do want to know how tall the model is and what it looks like (and maybe some styling options — pair it with a jacket and maybe you can sell me an *outfit*).

    5. Hopefully the positive reviews mean that the fabric is a vast improvement on last year’s similar effort from BB Red Fleece, which looked and felt like cheap t-shirt fabric in person.

    6. I think all retailers would be smart to at least offer more casual work looks because that is the direction we are headed in terms of work wear. I know this place skews heavily attorney, but there are lots of corporate women who are not attorneys and our workplaces have mostly gone business causal, which is starting to evolve to straight casual.

      I also think Kat would do well to feature more causal looks for work here.

    7. +1 this dress is made from a dreadful fabric composition. I go to Brooks Brothers for quality, and this dress is not quality.

      1. Yes, the lower price isn’t low enough for a clingy rayon jersey that’s going to pill before the end of the season. I’d love to be proven wrong, but I’m not optimistic.

    8. How does their sizing run? My life has no room for $300 dresses, but there are a couple around $100 that I find very tempting.

      1. I can’t speak to Red Fleece, but regular BB is meant for women who are straight up and down. If you’re an hourglass, don’t even think about it. Believe me, I’ve tried, oh so many times, and it just does not work.

        1. Damn.

          I’m still tempted by a top and dress I found. The top is not a button-down, and the dress has a flared skirt, so maybe that would work.

        2. I’m not sure about this–I am straight up and down, and BB looks awfully boxy on me. I don’t think it’s a tailored straight fit, just wide and shapeless.

          1. I kind of agree with this – I’m pretty straight up and down, and Theory and Reiss work for me, BB doesn’t.

        3. BB works for me. I’m a petite hourglass sizes 2/4/6 (5’2″, 36-26-37). I take petite tops/jackets from them and regular pants.

          1. Not petite hourglass – 5’8, 38-26-38 or so. Love how Brooks Brothers, except for the slim pants, fits me.

  3. Thanks to previous Toronto suggestions, we booked an airbnb near West Queen West, close to Queen Street and Dufferin. DH and I are both planning surprise dates, to celebrate our anniversary. Any special ideas from the Toronto ‘rettes? Open to any and all suggestions!

    1. For my date, I’d do EdgeWalk at the CN Tower and dinner at Lee’s (neither is in Queen West but you could walk easily from one to the other) and dessert at Cauldron Ice Cream (in Queen West).

    2. Toronto has museums! Then stroll over to Yrokville and have some fusion dimsum- Cant remember the name of the Chinese rest but its famoys and soooo good.

      If a nice day, pack an excellent takeout picnic (love pusateris and take the ferry to Toronto Islands, or go kayaking ! Not sure when you are going.

      The Beaches are a fun streetcar ride away and has great restaurants and shops.

      if you guys like long walks, take the subway up to Yonge and Eglinton and walk down Yonge (south) towards the downtown.

      1. We’re going in May. Is Casa Loma worth going to? It looks so gorgeous, I would even be ok walking around outside, not going to look at the museum part.
        Also, any great bars, breweries, restaurants? I’d love to take him to a speakeasy!

        1. DH and I were in Toronto a couple of weeks ago, Casa Loma was a favorite for both of us. Highly recommend going into the museum and getting the free audio tour.

        2. Go to coffee oysters champagne and ask to go down to the champagne bar. I can’t exactly remember but I had also made a list of restaurant/bar suggestions in the area on your first post that are also great bars/restaurants in and around the area.

        3. Go to Coffee Oysters Champagne and ask to see the champagne room!! I did this with my girlfriends a few weeks ago. It’s a speakeasy-esque experience. Food is delicious too. Highly recommend

    3. If you can get tickets I would take him to Come From Away. An awesome musical about all of the people on 9/11 that landed in Gander Newfoundland. The musical is only about 90 minutes so you would have time for a nice dinner before of after. It’s the only musical I’ve been to where people jumped to their feet at the end to give a standing ovation. My friends say the same thing happened when they saw it. It will make you feel good about humanity.

      2. Come From Away is fantastic. There is an amazing production of Dear Evan Hansen playing now as well.

    4. I would stay closer to WQW and do Trinity Bellwoods Park – lots of amazing spots for dinner and drinks all around the park and it’s nice to walk through. Paris Paris on Dundas (just north of Queen and Ossington) is amazing for drinks and snacks, La Palma and Campagnolo are great dinner spots nearby.

    5. Not from Toronto, but was there on vacation a couple of weeks ago. DH and I did a Sunday Brunch tour that was really good. I also recommend Casa Loma (not really a “special date”, but very interesting). We also went to Second City Comedy Club and really enjoyed it.

  4. Thank you to everyone on here for turning me on to Fitness Blender! I love it and use it for lunch time work outs every day. What are your favorite workouts? There are so many!

  5. Please talk to me about changing your last name well into your professional career. I am in the process of getting divorced and considering changing my last name to my or my mother’s maiden name. I was married in law school (15 years ago), so my current last name has been it for all of my professional career. I know I would need to change my last name with SS, passport, the bar, etc., but how big of a deal is it in terms of one’s career and the recognition factor?

    1. It’s no big deal for attorneys. I know lots of women who’ve done it. I think the trickiest thing is academics who’ve published, but even then people do it.
      Changing to your maiden name will be easiest, it can usually be automatic as part of the divorce process. Changing to your mom’s maiden name would probably involve a separate court proceeding.

      1. it’s easier now for academics, too. Publication databases keep track of one author’s work even through different names. This also helps with (foreign) names that have more than one English spelling.

    2. IDK but I know a woman using “Jane Maiden [locally important last name] Husband1” even though she is married to Husband2 now. I think of it as her trade name. Like “Elizabeth Taylor.”

      Like with men, why should we need to have a name that accurately reflects our marital status or current spouse?

      FWIW, I did exactly what Elizabeth Taylor did and just never changed it. And I am Elizabeth [Middle name, which is mother’s maiden name] Taylor, just to make it clear exactly who I am (a person who is merely Elizabeth Taylor has my website domain and is a creative field that sometimes involves nekkidness, which must be a hoot to people who google me).

      1. I know a woman who is “Jane Husband 1-Husband 2.” I don’t know who Husband1 is but I figure his name must ring bells for her to have kept it when she married Husband 2.

        2. Yep. I changed my name when I married Husband 1 and again when I married Husband 2. When I divorced 2 I went back to 1’s name (which I share with my son) and still have it even though I am now married to Husband 3.

    3. never changed my name….why bother? Married for 18 years…I have a great name why change it?

      1. Might you stop for a moment and consider why this is not helpful for the OP, who made a different choice than you and is going through a painful experience?
        I did not want to change my name when I got married, but I did, believing that ultimately it was more important to my then-husband that I change my name than it was to me that I not. Post-divorce, I wish I’d made a difference choice (and also that maybe I’d interpreted his insistence as illustrative of other differences), but I was not planning for the eventuality of my divorce when I changed my name. I imagine the OP was not either.

        1. I read her comment as being kind, and reassuring OP that she doesn’t have to change her name if she doesn’t want to (OP said she was “considering” it, not that she’s made up her mind about what to do). I think a lot of women feel pressured to change it, like they’re not ‘allowed’ to keep their ex’s name. If you wanted to change, more power to you. But I didn’t read anon at 9:52’s comment as mean-spirited at all.

          1. yep, change it only if you want to…you certainly don’t have to and many independent women like myself don’t bother….and it definitely was never important to my husband

          2. Fair.
            I read the “never” to mean that she never changed it, ever, even when she got married, as opposed to changing it upon marriage but then not changing it again after an 18-year marriage.

      2. I totally agree with you, and this is generally a hill I am willing to die on when it comes up. But that’s not the question that was asked here.

    4. I changed my name but I was only 3 years into my career, and it wasn’t a big deal. However, I have a client who recently changed her name after 20+ years in the business world – I don’t know if she got married or got divorced, TBH. It wasn’t a big deal, and she just used “First Name Last Name (Former Last Name)” in her email signature for a while.

    5. I got divorced after 8 years as a lawyer and changed my name back to my birth name. It wasn’t a big deal at all–I just started signing my name as the new name and let people know if they used my old name, “Oh, I’m Person LastName now.” No one batted an eye. There were a couple of people who tried to congratulate me for getting married, so I just said, “Thank you, but it went the other way,” and moved on with the conversation. For people I worked with closely (mostly co-counsel, not clients), I asked a couple of manager-types to spread the word informally that I was getting divorced and what my new contact info would be. My IT department set up something in our email so that anything sent to my previous name would come to my inbox and replies would come from the email address matching my current name.

      Changing my name back was one of the worst parts of the divorce for me just because it took so much time and was everywhere. I still randomly get stuff addressed to my former name. Sending you good vibes.

      2. I just did the same thing in connection with divorce, and I was somewhere between you, OP, and cbackson: married in law school and practicing for 7 years as Maudie Atkinson Finch, for example, and now I am back to Maudie Atkinson.
        AnonInfinity has some great tips. My firm’s IT folks did the same thing with my e-mail. I also added a line above my e-mail signature for a few months that said “Please update your address book to reflect my new e-mail address, atkinson@firmdotcom,” which felt like a subtle way to point folks to the concomitant name change.
        Because I used a double last name while I was married, I suspect my process was a little easier, but it still wasn’t that complicated, administratively. In addition to the things you’ve named, there are some other, easy to forget name changes you’ll probably want to make–bank and investment accounts, PayPal (which was a hard nut to crack), frequent flier programs and/or TSA pre-check or CLEAR (if you’re in the US).
        This is all deeply personal, obviously, but in the end I was really glad I dropped my ex’s name. For a few months I contemplated keeping it, because I worried about name recognition and was deeply uncomfortable about the way changing my name would announce the fact of my divorce to professional contacts–co-counsel, opposing counsel, judges. You should do what works for you, obviously, but not using his name anymore felt like another way to unburden myself of a profoundly sad and painful experience.

        1. Agree so much with your last paragraph. It was a difficult process for me emotionally and logistically, but I am so glad I did it. We didn’t have children, and it was important to me to get a completely fresh start and feel like I had no attachments at all to him anymore.

          1. Don’t be. I’m not–at least not anymore.
            It was a few months of hell, and then it was as though I stepped out of a fog. My ex did me some favors by acting like such a spectacular cad after he abruptly announced he was done being married; his behavior made it difficult to miss him.
            AND he got remarried last Sunday! To his expectant fiancee! Our divorce was finalized on Dec 31! That certainly contextualized a lot.

        3. I’m late to this thread, but I wanted to thank you, Maudie, for your thoughtful comments. And I’ve always loved your user name, but love it extra with the hypothetical married name added!

          1. Oh thanks! I’ve been around a long time, though I comment relatively infrequently. I have often wondered how many people “got” my handle.
            And if only my ex were as disarming as that Jack Finch who hollered at me from across the street every Christmas, asking to marry me when he visited his brother!

    6. Ditto the others who’ve said it’s NBD. I changed my name last year and no one thought twice of it. I did not send out an announcement – I couldn’t come up with a way for it to not sound twee to my ears, but you do you. Instead, I verbally told my team and clients I speak with regularly, signed my emails “First New (formerly Old)” for a while, and used the LinkedIn feature where it changes your display name to “First (Old) New.” (I dropped the Old on LinkedIn after about a year.)

    7. Ok for the unmarried people reading this – Exhibit A for not changing your name when you get married.

      I’m married to my second husband and I’ve never changed my name, ever. And neither have either of my husbands.

      1. srsly — my husband should change his name to my name. His, I get a new spelling variant on every day. Mine — one wrong spelling per decade.

      2. A little different perspective. I married a couple of years into my career, and changed my name legally. Around the same time, I changed firms and made the decision to continue to use my maiden name professionally, because I didn’t want to lose any sort of name recognition I had built by changing my name and moving firms. Flash forward five more years, and I HATE having two different names, so I am in the process of changing my legal name back to my maiden name, without a divorce. It’s a huge pain to do it twice, but I’m hoping it will make things easier in the future.

        1. I’m really surprised that your firm let you use a name that was not your legal name. In many (most?) jurisdictions, it is a violation of professional responsibility rules to practice under anything but your legal name

    8. My mom changed her name just after my little brother was born (and after I was diagnosed with a chronic illness) because she was extremely tired of being asked how she was related to us (because we had my dad’s name- they were married, mom just didn’t change her name), especially when she took me to the doctor or consented to medical procedures. She kept her maiden name at work, however- she was a journalist and she was concerned people would look up our name in the phone book if she had the same last name as my dad and know where she lives. She recently changed industries and now she goes by her married name full time.

      1. I have teenage kids and a different last name than they do and it has never, not even once, been an issue. I know this is an argument a lot of pro-name-change people make but it really does not happen in real life. Plenty of people have different last names than their kids due to divorce, being from another culture, or not changing their names when getting married. It’s incredibly common and no one bats an eye.

        1. +1 My mom was already an established physician with her own practice when she married my dad, and she kept her birth name (as did both of her female partners, though they would sometimes go by their married names socially). The fact that her name was obviously pronounceable and my dad’s (and mine) isn’t was probably a point in favor as well. :) It was never an issue, beyond sometimes confusing my friends in elementary school that she was Dr. [Birthname] not Mrs. [Dad’sname], but that’s not exactly a compelling reason to change it.

        2. Ok, well, it was for my mom. Apparently she’s the one exception in the world. So be it.

        3. My mother told me it stopped being an issue ~1980. When I was born they almost didn’t let her take me home since we had different last names. When my sister was born ~5 years later there was no problem.

    10. This does not answer your question.
      But the example I have is a woman whose married name had “man” at the end, like Cooperman or Greenman or… you get the point.
      And she changed her name at her divorce to… the same name, minus “man”. Think Cooper, or Green.
      She was getting the man out of her life. (Her children were adults at this point.)(This story speaks to me. I am currently married and kept my “maiden” name my from-birth lastname that is the same as my father’s.

  6. Did anyone read the New York Times article yesterday about the immigration system being at a breaking point? It was an eye-opener for me because I didn’t actually realize the extent of the challenges (and Trump lies constantly so I wasn’t going to listen to him). All I can say is that I hope Democrats put forth some actual policy positions and take this issue seriously rather than blaming conservative racism for all ills (not just because it’s the right thing to do to alleviate human suffering, but also to win the election). So far I haven’t seen anything from Dems besides vague calls for more aid to Central America or worse, calls to abolish ICE entirely.

    1. Haven’t read the article but someone on NPR this morning said that Dems need to get serious about immigration and propose something workable / sellable across the aisle otherwise there is only one voice on immigration right now and that’s not good. Someone needs to show up and play ball on the other side.

      OTOH, I heard on another piece that there are a lot more H2B visas getting approved — I think that’s the right one.

      1. I am probably biased, but I don’t think H2B (nonagricultural seasonal work) alone is a good way of handling immigration long-term. You want skilled workers, too. If they stay long-term and contribute to society for decades and another country paid for their education, even better.

        1. My understanding is that H2B are primarily (exclusively?) for skilled workers. Is that mistaken?

          2. H2b visas are typical for hospitality, hotels, resorts, cruise ships, construction and maintenance work, landscaping, retail. They are only seasonal, not for getting highly skilled workers to become lasting members of society.
            H1b are for specialized work, typically requiring a bachelor’s at the least.
            H2b are expanding while h1b are capped.

    2. The fear mongering by Trump is pushing people to move now because they are terrified they will be stuck in their violent C.A. country if they don’t go know. Trump is manufacturing the border crisis by threatening to constantly close the border. He knows what he is doing. He’s trying to create a crisis to distract from other issues.

      1. But the number of immigrants heading for the U.S. started soaring in 2014 – well before Trump took office. Did you read the article?

        1. Did you read the article or did you just not understand it? Nowhere does it say that the number “started soaring in 2014”. It actually doesn’t say it started soaring in 2014. That’s when the demographic shift started. That’s when the trend of more families vs. historial trend of just young men started.

          It also says that diplomats think that the only thing that will work to stop the flow is development aid to Central America. Which Trump just cut. He ended one of the solutions recommended by experts. He wants this crisis. He’s trying to keep his supporters and reluctant Republicians fearful enough to vote for him.

          1. Both sides are right and wrong. The number of families at the border has soared. The number of people in general is way up since 2016, but lower than it was in the early 2000s. What is changed is that instead of sneaking across, the new arrivals are requesting asylum. Our asylum system is crushed by the numbers. Most new asylum seekers pass the (low bar) initial credible fear interview. Most do NOT pass the asylum hearing 1-2 years later, which goes more into depth on the specific case. Right now about half of Central Americans fail to appear at the hearings.

            Please note that in Central America, the homicide, disappearances and other crimes rate has been falling dramatically since 2015. In El Salvador, the homicide rate in the first quarter of 2019 is the lowest it has been in 25 years. But, asylum seekers are at record highs. There are many theories from all sides on why.

            And regardless of your position on the migration spectrum, the asylum law was drafted post WWII and allows for race, religion, political group,etc. Victims of crime are not a protected group..at least not yet…by the law.

  7. OMG — I read through the most recent pleadings and I’m sort of terrified.

    If you are fired when pregnant, what else are you supposed to do but sign any paperwork to get the $? Does anyone work for pin money? No — we are significant family contributors and often have school loans to pay.

    OTOH, the named person is alleged to have done poorly for years and seems to have landed in another job, so that is (?!) cause for optimism.

    Ugh.

      3. It’s a law firm, Morrison and Foerster. They self-branded as MoFo, it’s not derogatory.

  8. How do you control your PMS symptoms and emotions?
    I’m a single mom and a corporate lawyer. I have been suffering from severe menstruation migraine since Monday morning, until now. Yesterday night I was in my office with my 5 years old son. I was having terrible throbbing pain around both of my temples so I kept pressing and striking these areas with my fingers and hands. My son, he seemed to not being able to understand my migraine condition, kept taping my head with his hands and laughing out loudly. For those of you who suffers from migraines you will know it’s very annoying when you are having an attack. But all of I sudden I was pissed off so badly and slapped his face in front of other colleagues.
    I really didn’t know what happened or why I did this. I feel so sorry for my son. This is the first time that I physically hit him.

    1. Oh gosh, it sounds like you’re having a tough time, I’m so sorry you’re suffering like this. I think you need to do a few things – make an appointment with your doctor TODAY to get medical help for the migraines, figure out how to apologize and make things right with your son, and address the issue with your co-workers. They are probably feeling very concerned for you and your son right now.

      1. I don’t know if you have ever suffered from migraines in your life. I am almost 40 now and have already visited dozens of doctors, neurologists and headache specialists. None of them had actually helped me, not to mention sometimes those medicines actually make my conditions worse. This thing has almost become chronic and daily to me. The only thing I can do when an attack comes is to take 6-8 pills, hoping it can get better.

        1. I haven’t suffered from migraines of that severity and can’t imagine how awful that might be. My urge to visit a doctor was to underline the importance – you slapped your child in a moment of distress. Something needs to change – whether medically, personally, or in the form of childcare.

        2. Then you need a better child care plan. I suffer from migraines but I never wind up working at 6 pm with my child when I have them.

        3. Cognitive behavioral therapy can be an important part of migraine management, especially if you’re chronic. I’m sorry you feel that you are out of treatment options, but I would encourage you to keep exploring. The Migraine World Summit was a few weeks ago and had numerous doctors presenting about what an exciting time this is for migraine disorder treatments. I think you can purchase access to the talks (they’re free during the summit). One of the doctors (I believe he was from the Mayo Clinic in Arizona) emphasized that if anyone has told you that you’re out of treatment options for migraine disorder, they’re wrong.

          You need to manage your stress for your migraine disorder and your child. I wish you the best of luck.

    2. I agree that you need to do a little damage control with your colleagues. Maybe look into getting more leave for when you’re sick (under temporary disability if necessary), dropping him off at one of those back-up day care places, or asking other parents/church members/neighbors to watch him when things get this bad.

      But I wanted to say that as long as this is a one-off, your child will understand. I was about the same age the first and only time my Mom spanked me–I distinctly remember that I was goading her. She apologized and I know she still regrets it. I’m not minimizing what you did, but you’re taking it seriously. Get whatever professional help you might benefit from and have back-up supports in place so it doesn’t happen again.

    3. Ouch, big internet hugs to you. Not going to address the cleanup~ you know what to do.
      Please take this with an open mind…as assorted doctors/meds have been unsuccessful….consider EMDR. Ignore the haters on it as “fake” and read the real results sufferers of many different issues
      migraines yes) have had.
      Wishing you only the best.

    4. In answer to your question: I control PMS emotions by recognizing them as PMS emotions. That sounds fatuous, but it really helps. Here’s how I think of it: if you’re tired at work and you’re thinking more slowly than normal, you don’t say “oh, wow. I guess I’m dumb now” and go home to watch E. You have a cup of coffee and focus on doing the things you can do in your sleep-deprived state well, right? You take care of yourself while recognizing that this state is something that will pass.

      In my own life, I do things like say to my partner “I’m furious at you for eating cereal, so I’ll be in the den with my coffee if you need me.” While I recognize the difficulties around discussing women’s real feelings as irrational,it is the case that 28 days a month I am untroubled by cornflakes. We can talk about it. We can laugh about it. I can go drink coffee in another room instead of yelling that I want a divorce because no human should eat cornflakes that loudly.

      I think you owe your son an apology. I think you should also consider discussing strategies for dealing with this with him in an age appropriate way. Like “Remember how hard you cried when you skinned your knee? Sometimes our bodies can give us big feelings like that, even when we’re grownups. My head hurt really bad, and I had big feelings. I didn’t handle them well at all, and I was mean to you when you didn’t deserve it. I’m sorry. I don’t want to do that ever again. Can we work out a plan for how to be kind to each other even when we feel super bad?” Maybe you can identify a tablet game he can play with headphones or something when you’re out of commission? I’m not a kids expert at all, but I’m thinking along the lines of whatever parents do with their kids when they’re on a long haul flight. Quiet and entertained with a special occasion toy or treat.

      You also need to explain to whatever adults were in the room that you deeply regret putting them in the middle of this situation and that you’re taking steps to make sure that a one-time lapse doesn’t become either a habit or something that impacts your son longer term.

      It sounds like your life is a lot right now. Please be a little kind to yourself.

    5. I have PMDD. It sounds like you do too.

      I personally have found some of the interventions suggested in Lara Briden’s book “repair manual” helpful. I do not agree with her about everything, and I had to tamper down my annoyance with some of her perspectives. But the interventions recommended in her book were more effective for me than what the (many) gynecologists and psychiatrists I’d previously seen had to offer.

      Maybe I would have had better luck if I had had the opportunity to go to an actual PMDD clinic, which are starting to open at research hospitals around the country. If there’s a PMDD clinic near you, that may be another place you could start. One way or another, this is a medical condition that needs prompt medical attention.

      1. (I guess I shouldn’t say it sounds like you have PMDD. But that seems really extreme for PMS to me, and a PMDD clinic will offer care for menstrual mood disorders in general.)

    6. To narrowly address just the “how do you deal with PMS?” part of the question… when I switched to a woman psychiatrist, she told me I could take 1.25x my usual dosage of my anti anxiety meds when I’m on/about to be on my period, to help with that.

    7. Oh my gosh no. Take medical leave now. Figure out a safe child care plan. Stop getting a period and take continuous birth control. Get intensivd therapy. Slapping your five year olds face is not PMS.

      1. Continuous birth control can be setting a time bomb for those of us with progesterone withdrawal symptoms. But this is exactly the kind of questionable advice you’ll get from a gynecologist with no background in premenstrual mood disorders.

    8. It’ll be ok.
      Definitely get help, the “single mom” part is overwhelming, the kid in the office is overwhelming, the PMS/PMDD is overwhelming. Go to your physician and start there and explain what happened – just read this post if you want – and ask for any kind of help and next steps. One hit or smack does not make you an abuser – but you’re in a tough situation. You recognize that. You know what to do next.

  9. So all my life I’ve gone to BIG weddings – like 500+ guests. It’s just what’s done in my culture and in my family. Lately I’ve felt pretty meh about the experience — like no one cares if you’re there or not so why spend $1000 in flights, hotels, gift etc? I don’t regret going – it’s a nice time to see extended family etc but lately the brides have been so “it’s my day, I don’t care who is here or not as along as my bridesmaids are here.” They don’t so much as say hi to other guests if it’s not one of “their girls” – ie bridesmaids. I know the bride/groom/wedding party are busy and I’m not expecting hours of conversation but if you happen to walk by – an acknowledgement??

    But I thought this is how weddings are – it’s very MY day; who cares about extended fam you’re only invited bc my parents required it; and it’s about getting perfect pics.

    So then this weekend I go to a tiny wedding of a former colleague/current friend – 65 people and the difference was crazy. The other guests and I were commenting that we feel like we spent the evening with the bride/groom as they personally chatted w us, danced etc and the bride had I guess shown pics to her sisters/parents of everyone so they literally knew who we were, greeted us by name etc. Far cry from the weddings I’ve seen, though I get it you can do that with 65 guests not 650. What’s the balance here? How do you make guests feel wanted after they’ve spent so much time/$ to travel for you? What do you like/dislike that brides and grooms do? Fiancé and I are looking for ideas.

    1. The difference is in the attitude of the bride and groom. If the bride and groom see themselves as hosts whose job it is to make everyone feel welcome, a wedding can be warm and personal even if it is large. If the bride and groom think it’s all about them, a wedding can be awful even if it’s small. I recently attended a wedding with around 200 guests that was wonderfully warm and intimate. The bride and groom and their parents made a point of greeting each guest personally at some point during the night. They went to a lot of effort to make sure their guests were comfortable (e.g., providing throw blankets for chilly outdoor areas, offering enough food and drink at the right times, not making people wait around, providing good transportation and parking options). They wrote their own charming vows and cried during the ceremony. The bride’s ordinarily cantankerous father gave a lovely sentimental toast. It was an absolutely beautiful and intimate event even though the guest list was long.

      1. Our wedding had 450 guests, and my husband and I made it a priority to speak to every single person at the reception. (It was a long reception.) Most of them were our parents’ friends– we are both from different small towns, where people can get hurt feelings if everyone in town is not invited– but it was also sweet because these are the folks who helped collectively raise us. Like the OP, I have been to weddings where I knew no one cared if I was there or not, and that was my #1 goal as a bride– to let each guest know that I knew they took the time to be there and how much I appreciated it.

        On the flip side, I think people are different. It was very important to me to thank each guest, but that doesn’t mean every bride and groom must feel the same way. It’s fair for a couple to focus on themselves on their wedding day. It’s ok for them to make it about them, because it IS about them. If they don’t get to speak to me at their wedding, I don’t think I get to be offended by their choices. I didn’t have to come, and I’m not “owed” a thank you for being there. They are providing food and drink and a fun party– that’s what I get for coming. So I don’t think it’s fair to silently dictate how we think the couple (and really, the bride– because it’s so easy to place expectations on how a woman should behave on her wedding day and any other day) should behave and then judge them for not doing what we would do.

        1. I think the issue is when bride and groom are so self-centered that they do not even provide “food and drink and a fun party.” My BIL and SIL are lovely people, but their three children had the most awful weddings. One child demanded that all her guests stand outdoors for more than half an hour in 30-degree weather while wearing evening clothes with no coats. Another purposely did not provide enough tables and chairs for all of the guests to sit down because she wanted to encourage guests to mingle. This was absolutely not okay for her 80-year-old grandparents or her 3-year-old cousins. The third child’s rehearsal dinner was a neighborhood block party potluck, with no available bathroom (again, a problem with young cousins) and nowhere for anyone (including the guests who were literally homeless) to wash their hands before touching the food. At all three weddings, there were long delays before skimpy food offerings were set out, then there were long lines to obtain food. And at one of the weddings, the food ran out before everyone had a chance to eat. None of the brides or grooms cared about anything but ensuring their own “perfect” memories, no matter how miserable they made their families and friends.

          2. I know people who pregame before Baptist receptions b/c there will be no booze. I guess pregaming should include food, too.

          4. Yup, I always bring a selection of snacks in my purse because who knows what the food situation will be. I’ve been to so many weddings with buffets that ran out of food. I’ve heard stories from friends about leaving receptions during dinner to run to McDonalds because there’s not enough food. My husband is Jewish and doesn’t eat pork, and my whole family knows this. Other family members are vegetarian for various reasons. My cousin’s wedding had (messy) pulled pork sandwiches, and the salad and one of the two sides had bacon. The salad was pre-mixed before it went to the venue, and the sandwiches were pre-assembled so there was no way to get a salad without bacon or a plain bun. My husband ate mashed potatoes and a cupcake. Like, was it seriously necessary to put pork in 3/4 of the meal when you know you’ll have more than a few guests who won’t be able to eat 3/4 of the meal?

    2. I think it makes a great reception when tbe host talk to everyone, but population size doesn’t guarantee that. Ive been to approx 65 person weddings where I knew the bride very well, but was ignored, and bigger ones were we were distant family connections, but at least they seemed genuinely happy to meet us in the receiving line.
      OTOH, DH had a cold at our wedding, and fell asleep on the couch before we even finished dinner. Good thing it was only immediate family there!
      Also, people here often mention needing food, but I would remind everyone who wants to do a unique outdoor reception to consider bathrooms. If OPs family plans events for 600, they probably alreadu know that one ;).

    3. A lot depends on the size of your wedding and also your budget. We let all of our friends know to meet us at a bar after the rehearsal dinner so we could catch up and hang out before the wedding. We also hosted an after party with pizza back at the hotel after the wedding and a Sunday brunch for anyone who stayed in the hotel or came from out of town. That cost extra, but to us it was worth it for the added face time with guests. We also had welcome bags for all our guests checking in, gave suggestions on things to do in the area, snacks, etc. We took photos prior to the ceremony so we could spend the entire cocktail hour chatting with our guests (DH and I split up to try and talk to as many guests as possible, instead of staying together…maybe not conventional but he talked to his parents’ friends, I talked to mine). We limited the number of speeches, made cake cutting very quick, so most of the reception wasn’t structured and we could spend time chatting. I think unless your guest list is under 100, you’ll feel like you barely spent time with anyone, but the fact that you’re aware and conscious will make you better than the average.

      1. This is basically what we did. Our’s was a destination wedding for most of the guests and we had welcome drinks first night and a farewell brunch morning after, and took most of our pictures before the ceremony (which I highly recommend). We also only had 75 guests, so this was manageable.

    4. My wedding was a “destination” wedding for all of my family and friends, as I had just moved to a new part of the country. Given that people were spending so much time and money to be there, we wanted to spend time with them. Wedding was small – about 75 people.

      The night before, we had impromptu drinks and snacks in the hotel lobby so people could hang out, mingle, and get to know each other. Wedding was a morning wedding, followed by early afternoon brunch. Afterwards, anyone who was still up for partying went out with us to a restaurant (think PF Chang’s). I picked up the tab. Total time, from the start of the wedding until my husband and I left the restaurant, was about eleven hours.

      It was really good to have our guests say that they felt really loved and appreciated.

    5. We had 60 guests at our wedding, 48 adults and 12 kids. It felt really awesome and intimate. We did a sweetheart table with extra chairs and people came and chatted with us and we went round. Note: there was a learning curve on this and it took my co-worker’s husband and daughter to break the ice here. We also arranged an activity while we were taking photos – people could have hot pimms and a chat or tour the gorgeous glasshouse greenhouses.
      I think a big wedding can feel more intimate but it is about the attitude of the bridge and groom.

    6. I had something in between those two in terms of guest size (300 guests). I knew about 2/3 of those. I made a mental list of prioritizing saying hi to people I wouldn’t see as the reception got busier and tried saying hi to them during dinner and at our sangeet (an event the night before the wedding with basically the same guest list). For the friends I knew I would see on the dance floor, at the after party, etc., I just let them come to me. There are probably some people I missed but I think they were all people I wasn’t as close to – and I also talked to any random person my mother or MIL invited – I didn’t ignore them when I said hi.

      Your average wedding/reception is what, 5-6 hours? So if you want to have time for a personal conversation with every guest and a few minutes to enjoy hanging out with your spouse/closest friends, it’s gonna be impossible to do when your guest list reaches a critical mass. One option would be to have a smaller wedding that feels intimate and, if your families are upset by the small guest list, let your families plan a bigger but more casual second reception, which is what my MIL did for all of her local friends. Or make peace with the fact that if you have a big guest list, you’ll end up naturally seeing the people you’re closest to and the other ones enjoy themselves with the cousins they know.

    7. Not greeting guests, no matter how many, is rude af. This is a problem that used to be solved by a receiving line. The bridal couple and their parents greet every guest as they come through the door either as they’re exiting the church or entering the reception hall. Now the general tendency is for the couple to make the rounds, either singularly or together to every table at the reception. If you have five hundred people, maybe that means 50 or 60 tables. So split up! If you don’t think you can make it to every table during the reception, call on your parents or bridal party to help convey your greetings and your enthusiasm for having them there. If you don’t want to spend your wedding reception doing that, have a smaller wedding. To my mind, the only real rules for weddings is 1) greet and thank guests and 2) take reasonable steps to ensure guests are physically and emotionally comfortable.

      2. But you don’t get to set the rules for everyone else. This is fine if greeting every guest is important to you. But when a wedding has 500 people, many of whom are obligatory invitations, a bride and groom (and let’s be honest, the expectations and judgments are solely for the bride) should not be expected to forego their own experience just so you feel special. This day is about THEM feeling special. And I say that as someone who did greet everyone at my own large wedding.

        1. At least under the conventions of American etiquette, the obligation of the host is to make his or her guests feel welcome, no matter what the occasion. Wedding guests are still guests, not extras in the bride and groom’s movie.

        2. No your guests need to feel special too. That is why they were invited, because they are special in some way to you or your family. If you don’t at least go to every table at the reception for a greeting or a toast, then you really have made your wedding some sort of stage play starring you.

      3. Yeah I agree with this. If you want your day to be “all about you” and guests should just enjoy the “free” party, you should elope. I’ve been to a few large weddings of friends where we literally did not even speak to the couple and it was REALLY off-putting. Gee, so glad we came and spent $$ on travel, hotel, etc. only to be unsure if you even knew we made it.

        1. Yep. Your lame “free” party is totally not adequate compensation for the $$$ and time I have laid out to be there for your special day. If I just wanted to have fun, I’d spend the money and vacation days on a real vacation.

      4. I agree with this, too. I went to three family weddings in the span of two months last year, and at two of them, the bride and groom didn’t make any attempt to speak to most of the guests. At the third, the bride and groom went around to all of the tables with their photographer to get group shots, so they didn’t really acknowledge us as anything other than photo props. Haven’t gotten thank you notes for any of those gifts, either. Certainly made me wonder whether I wasted time and money at my own wedding (that was around the same size as those) trying to make sure we personally thanked all the guests for coming and made sure they were comfortable and having fun! We did a receiving line as people entered the reception, since it was literally down the hall from where the ceremony was, and also stopped at every table during dinner – I realize it might be difficult to do both. And, you know, we sent thank you notes within a reasonable amount of time after the wedding.

        1. Oh lordy, the selfie thing. I went to a wedding last year where that was the ONLY contact I had with the bride and groom. Did not like. To be fair, it was a huge wedding, but if there was time for all NINE bridesmaid/groomsman pairs to have an individually announced entrance to the reception, then there was time for y’all to come visit with at least a few tables.

      5. I don’t think anyone is saying that having a receiving line is rude. If you greet everyone, you’ve met your etiquette obligations. But the reality is that if you have 65 guests you can have a meaningful conversation with everyone. You can’t if you have hundreds of guests. That doesn’t mean it’s rude to have a big wedding and a receiving line – but it is different, and many brides and grooms prefer to have smaller weddings and talk to everyone.

        1. You don’t have to go to some distant location to elope. The historical definition of elopement is getting married relatively suddenly and secretly – it doesn’t necessarily mean traveling somewhere else.

          1. Yep. The elopement aspect was because people who were not invited didn’t know we were getting married.

    9. I had a wedding of about 150 people, so in between the sizes you mention. At the reception, DH and I made an effort to at least speak to everyone. We stopped by some tables after we finished eating. After that, we spent at least half the reception dancing, but took some breaks and hung out with the non-dancers throughout the night.

      We also had numerous pre-wedding events and saw a lot of people before the wedding. We got married on Sunday of a holiday weekend at a popular vacation spot (but near my hometown, so not exactly a “destination” wedding). We had a cocktail party on Friday evening for people who arrived that night (mostly our parents’ crowd). Our rehearsal dinner was also 75 people, so half the people who were invited to the wedding. And there was an after-party for anyone who was still on their feet after the wedding.

    10. The only wedding I’ve been to that was that large was an Indian wedding. I felt like I got to see the couple a ton because we were hanging out for like 5 days. Because there were so many events, it was nbd if I didn’t get to speak to them at any particular event. Their families were also very welcoming, so even if the couple was off getting ready or whatever, I didn’t feel like I was on my own just waiting around.

      Probably the worst wedding I ever went to was also the most exclusive, expensive, and aesthetically gorgeous. I wasn’t allowed to bring a date even though I was dating someone, traveled across country to attend, the hotel block (in a remote location, so no other hotel options) was over $500/night, and I’d only met, in passing, 1 other guest other than the groom. The couple barely acknowledged me. The bride spoke to me exactly twice – once to ask where the gift was, because surely the gift I’d shipped them wasn’t the actual wedding gift, and, when I tried to say thank you and goodnight, to tell me I can’t leave yet because I have to wait to say goodnight until she’s spoken to everyone else. I wasn’t even friends with the bride, I was friends with the groom. Every time the groom tried to speak to me, the bride whisked him away without even looking at me nevertheless excusing herself. Needless to say I’m not friends with them anymore.

    11. I’m really not a fan of large weddings. A wedding should be about the couple, not just the bride. If I ever got married, I would absolutely want my guests to enjoy themselves and feel important. Why invite 300 people to your wedding unless they actually know you and your fiancé? They don’t really know you very well and although they may be happy to celebrate with you, they can be happy for you without taking time away from your close friends and family. Also, how do people afford a wedding for 300 people?!?! I cringe at spending $20K on a wedding! Seems like a complete waste of money. I want a marriage, not a wedding.

      1. I think part of this comes from different cultural views about weddings. Gently, I think it’s a bit unusual that you assume that big weddings are just about the bride and not the couple? It has a bit of unintentional sexism in there (women love big weddings, women care about money more than practicality, men aren’t involved in the wedding process). In my culture, weddings are big because it’s as much about the couple’s parents as it is about the couple – the joining of two families, with a greater emphasis on extended families than is typical in the west. As far as cost, my parents literally started saving for my wedding when I was born and felt a huge pressure to invite X number of people, have an open bar that included certain brands, etc.

        But guess what? After all that, I still have a marriage! I just happen to also have had a large wedding.

        1. Saving up all that money for a wedding? Seems like a complete waste of money to me especially in countries where poverty is so common. I don’t know how people can justify that.

          1. Let’s throw away a hundred of years of a rich cultural heritage because some white lady decided it was stupid.

        1. I am pretty sure that a 500-person Indian wedding is not at all the same as a 500-person American wedding. Unless the bride and groom are that actress and pop star who recently Instagrammed their whole wedding.

          1. Mmmm, maybe the traditions are different but they are still celebrations with lots of food, music and dancing. They’re not exactly austere affairs.

    12. I’m with you. We had 80 guests and it was perfect for us. We knew all our guests well and were able to spend some talking to everyone – not just greeting, but actually having a conversation. I’ve been to some lovely weddings in the 100-200 guest range. It’s possible for a bride and groom to have a lot of family and friends and not want to exclude anyone, and weddings that size don’t have to be ostentatious. The weddings I’ve been to that had 300+ people, it felt more like a performance than a wedding and it was clear that a lot of people were invited for business reasons or just to fill seats so the bride could brag about how wealthy her family was to be buying dinner for that many people. My best friend is Indian and had 500 people. In her case it didn’t feel showy, both because it’s the cultural norm and because they stuck to a budget on a lot of things (minimal flowers, decor etc.) so it didn’t scream EXPENSIVE although I’m sure it was. It was overwhelming though, it was hard for me as a guest to catch up with the many other guests I knew because there were so many strangers around, and I’m sure it was very overwhelming for the bride and groom to try to greet that many people.

    13. Well, duh, of course you’re not getting quality time with the couple if there are hundreds of guests! It’s ridiculous to even expect that. And if big weddings are what’s done in your region or culture, then I’m guessing a lot of times the couple are under a lot of pressure to have big weddings. Don’t blame the people getting married for that. If you don’t want to go, then don’t go, but you don’t have to be grumpy about it.

    14. I go to lots of wedding in the 150-200 range and always have time to speak to the bride and groom and feel valued by them.

    15. Well, I had 4 guests at my micro-wedding/elopement & a small dinner party for 50 later, but I’ve gone to plenty of others of all sizes. I personally have always enjoyed the small events (under 50 people) the most & found the larger weddings feel “cold” unless you’re in the inner circle. I’d say do what resonates for you two as a couple. Some people love a big party & others want intimate conversation. I don’t really understand getting offended at lack of contact with the bride/groom at large events – I’ve always seen that as part of the deal. I think that’s where it’s an invitation not a summons comes in – if it’s someone you’re close with, you’ll probably be in that inner circle & going to all the pre-events & you’ll feel warm and loving that day even if you don’t spend much time with the couple. If you’re not, I’d just rethink going to it. I’ve gone to plenty of weddings where I wasn’t in the inner circle & always had fun.

  10. My feet feel awful lately — can it be too much walking? I usually walk a fair amount per day — usually works out to close to 2 miles on weekdays and adds up to 10-11 miles per week. These last 2 weeks it’s more like 15 miles per week. The excess walking started last week — IDK what shoes I wore but it wasn’t necessarily sneakers as I’ll often walk in my Clark’s too. Felt fine all of last week and weekend. Monday morning on the way to work in Clark’s – feet were so painful. Have switched to sneakers that last 2 days and still pretty achy. It’s like I can feel how much weight I’m putting on my feet even standing. I’m the most comfortable at home in slippers on plush carpet. What gives?? What do I do? I don’t feel like it’s an injury because it’s both feet. Today is the last day of having to walk — as I’m headed to about 5 days in the suburbs where you drive everywhere. But I’m dreading today – as I must be in a suit and heels all day.

    1. 15 miles per week is not at all excessive. I typically walk 3 – 4 miles per day living in the suburbs and working in a college town, 6 – 7 miles per day when traveling for work, and up to 10 miles a day when on vacation. You need better shoes and/or insoles, or maybe a trip to the doctor or podiatrist.

      1. It might be excessive for her.
        She should definitely see an expert.
        Please be kind. No need to compare. “I can pee standing up! Why can’t you?!” “I can birth a baby out of a hole in the middle of my body – why can’t you?!” People are different.

    2. I fill a hotel trash can with ice and water and plunge my sore ankle into it. Maybe you could do each foot?

    3. Well…2 miles a day doesn’t actually sound like that much to me (it’s about 5000 steps for me, per my Fitbit). If it’s more than you usually do, then it could be that you strained something? Are your calves tight? Tight calves are usually the source of all my foot problems.

    4. IDK what it is but when I was in my early 30s I just couldn’t be on my feet that much. They would swell and throb. Standing was the worst. Walking was better. I was on my feet a ton every weekend (catering gigs) and I’d spend all Sunday sitting with my feet up, like I was pregnant. I started wearing support hose, knee-highs and using arch supports (which helps, but is not a miracle cure). Soaking helped (and I hate baths), as did trying to swim in the summer.

      Previously, I worked low-end retail and could stand all day long.

    5. It could be plantar fasciitis. Try stretching your calves, ankles, and feet, and massaging your feet with a tennis ball. Ice is also a good suggestion, and ibuprofen.

    6. Are you walking on different surfaces than you are typically used to? This always gets me. I’m usually on a carpeted surface, and I’ll notice it when I spend a long day cooking (for a holiday, for example) and I’m on my feet in my kitchen all day. I also noticed it a couple weekends ago when I gave my laundry room a deep cleaning. I was on a tile over cement floor all day and felt it the next day. And the first few days I spend outside doing yardwork in the spring when the ground is usually really soft are guaranteed to make me hurt. If you’ve been walking on surfaces you’re not used to, that could be why you’re hurting so much. It probably doesn’t matter what shoes you’re wearing, though if you have an extra-comfy pair of heels or can put a pair of gel insoles in the heels you have to wear for court, it may help cut the discomfort. Nothing is worse than having to wear heels when your feet are already hurting!

    7. Go see a podiatrist. Seriously. I have ongoing foot problems and it has helped a ton. Don’t keep futzing around with online info and drugstore solutions. You need to find out what the actual problem is.

    8. Sounds like you’re just exerting yourself more than you’re used to. A couple miles a day isn’t much; I doubt you’re doing lasting damage. Unless there’s a really sharp pain, I’m guessing you’re just sore and need to get used to walking more.

  11. Are there any self tanner experts within the hive? I run and get sock lines, which I would like to cover up and I think that self tanner might be the solution. Any recommendations/ tips/ tricks/ things to avoid? Preferred brands? Concerned about color matching making it more obvious than sock lines, and also streaking/ mottled finishes. Thank you for your help!

    1. I have had good luck using the Jergens gradual self-tanning lotion for tank top and sock lines.

      1. So you just put it on the white/lighter areas, then? Or all over? Sorry, I’m dense. I’m worried if I do that there will be a strange line where there is an overlap between the truly tan skin and the Jergens that will look strange.

        1. Yes, just on the lighter areas. You build the color up over a few days, so it’s pretty easy to get a decent match.

  12. Everlane fans, can anyone give me some insight about the fit of the pants? I’m apple-shaped and short, and I recently tried the Work Pant and the Straight-Leg Crop chino. Both fit in the waist but had a lot of bunchy extra fabric around the thighs and hips. I really liked the quality of the fabric though, and I would love to find one of their styles that works for me. Are there any that are cut more closely through the hips and thighs without having a smaller waist?

    1. Oh man, my problem with the work pants is that theyre snug through the hips and thighs, and there’s way too much space at the waist for me. I wanted to love the pants! I have no advice for you except commiseration that bodies are all different and dressing ourselves can be tough.

  13. Help me update my luggage? I’m planning a 2-week European vacation this summer that will involve several little commuter planes. In addition to size limits, there’s now also a weight limit for carry on bags. I REALLY don’t want to have to check a bag on all of these puddle jumpers – it’s too expensive and time consuming.

    So, I’m in the market for lightweight luggage that I can take on a tiny plane but also fit 2 weeks of clothes plus a camera and a lens or three. What should I do here? Small rolling bag plus backpack? Suggestions for either? I plan to do some hiking so my backpack could double as a day pack. Thanks all!

    1. Maybe a lipault or brics or tumi voyageur rollaboard? they are all made out of nylon, and so theyre lightweight and easy to squish when needed.

      1. +1 I am die hard Tumi customer (even my everyday bag is Tumi), but I must concede to Lipault on the weight bit

        1. I’m die hard Tumi too, and I replaced my bag recently (fall 2018) with their new lightest weight model and I absolutely love it. Link to follow.

    2. I like Samsonite Cubelite for the small rolling bag — I have never had a problem carrying it on, and it’s super light (usually less than 10 kg total, fully stuffed). Check dimensions for your specific airlines though.

    3. On a recent trip where I didn’t check in luggage, I carry a backpack and only packed for a few days worth (3 or 4). The key is to do laundry when you get there. Not sure which countries you’re going to, but in Spain we used a local laundromat where we dropped our load off and came back to pick up freshly laundered clothes for 7 euros per load. In Switzerland there are coin machines either in hostels if you’re staying at one, or coin laundromats outside. In Japan we stayed at aparthotels that have washing machines. You just can’t pack two real weeks’ worth of clothes and expect to use a small carry on to fit everything. Once you add in the other essentials like electronics, cosmetics, skin care, etc. you’ll be carrying a heavy load.

    4. Be very careful what size you buy. European hand luggage must weigh, in some cases, 5 kg or less, which is simply not possible to have a US-style carry-on. You may want to look into getting a functional but small checkable bag, because Euro carry-on size is a joke–just barely bigger than a briefcase in many situations.

      If you are on a very small plane, they check luggage planeside most of the time anyway.

      I love all things Briggs & Riley. Similar price point to Tumi but absolute, full lifetime guaranty, no matter who breaks your luggage. It’s a better deal.

      1. +1

        Keep meaning to get a Tumi bag, but the Briggs and Riley bags are so much more thoughtfully designed. And the warranty helps too.

      2. Yeah, this. I have done 2 weeks in Europe with an international size roller bag, but that was on a domestic carrier (United) that didn’t have low weight limits. Many European airlines have much lower weight limits (5-7kg), and then it becomes pretty hard to not check a bag for longer trips.

    5. I’ve done 2 weeks in an Away bag – the small carry-on version. My packing tricks are to take almost everything in the same color palette so everything goes with everything else & a denim jacket b/c those wear like iron. I’m also big into photography, so I get the camera issue, but I’ve recently switched to using Moment lenses w/ my iPhone for digital and only packing 1 film camera so it all takes less room. For shoes, in the summer I take 3 – Allbirds for walking all day, and ballet flats and a pair of sandals for going to dinner/less walking intense things. I wear the sneakers on the plane to save space & all shoes are flats. With this model, I can get a LOT in a carry-on and come home with things I didn’t wear.

  14. One of my oldest and dearest friends just found out she has the BRCA gene and is arranging a flurry of doctor’s appointments, contemplating radical surgeries and is incredibly (understandably) stressed out. I am not local to her anymore and hate that I can’t be there in person to support her. Any ideas on something small I could send as a pick me up? In the $50-75 range. She is very fashionable, enjoys cooking and gardening. Thank you!

    1. Some fancy olive oils for cooking? My friend sent me a rosemary one that I love. A light tissue-weight scarf? Maybe have a plant delivered?

    2. Give her some time to sort out her feelings on the subject. I was 26 when I found out and started having surgeries. I didn’t need anything but support at this point, someone to reach out to when I was feeling overwhelmed. If and when she chooses to have surgery, send her a drain holder, a soft robe and a couple of the heart-shaped Axilla-Pillas available on Amazon.

    3. You are a great friend. Two comments. She has a BRCA mutation (everyone has the BRCA gene). Next: I would refrain from labeling the surgeries as “radical”. One of the hardest thing for me was feeling as though others were judging me for having a prophylactic mastectomy. So just be careful. She definitely needs time and support to sort out her feelings, do her research, etc.

    4. Thanks all! I appreciate the suggestions and also the gentle reminders on proper terminology and phrasing.

  15. after the discussion the other day about siblings, i was wondering that for those of you who are close with your siblings, particularly if you and your siblings are very different from each other (ie, one of you is type A, when the other is more go with flow; introvert vs. extrovert; one more pragmatic, the other more idealist —> i realize that parents should not label their kids, but this is for discussions sake), what do you think your parents did well to cultivate that relationship and what do you think they could have done differently/better?

    1. We went on trips and day trips as a family a lot, well into high school. But to some extent, my brother and I had to figure out that relationship ourselves. We got along, sort of, as high schoolers, got along as college for me/high school for him, and became close once he started college and had grown up some. Now he’s graduated and I love hanging out with him for a weekend.

    2. I think not comparing your kids is a big one. You’d be surprised how many parents act like a younger sibling should live up to an older siblings academic or athletic achievements.

      1. This x1,000,000. My sister and I are very close and a lot alike now, but growing up, we couldn’t have been any more different. She’s very introverted and quiet (on the outside, those who know her know better!) and I was the more outgoing, “people-person” of the two of us. I’m Type-A and driven, she’s more laid-back and go-with-the-flow. We both did really well in school but with totally different styles. I was very organized and didn’t mind studying and reading, she couldn’t sit still in a classroom, but still aced all her classes. Never once did our parents compare us. They recognized our own separate personalities and achievements so we never felt we were competing with each other or had to live up to unrealistic expectations.

        I have friends who grew up in the shadows of sisters and brothers (and in a case or two, close cousins) and have been told all their lives “why can’t you be more like….” Want to guess how those sibling/family relationships are? Even now, when everyone involved are grown adults, that underlying feeling of being compared and not living up to what was “expected” is still there and it’s still a really nasty point of contention.

    3. I am very close to my siblings, and we’re extremely different. But I remain annoyed by my parents’ “cultivation” attempts. We’re Midwestern nice, so my parents were very vested in making sure we didn’t fight when we were growing up. It was stifling and didn’t give us the skills we needed to navigate our differences longer term. Sometimes a teenager is going to scream “get out of my room!” to a younger sibling. It’s not the end of the world or the relationship.

      In fact, they still really hate any signs of conflict in our relationships with one another. If I do something totally normal like nicely ask my brother to take his shoes off before he puts his feet on my furniture, my mom is probably going to call me on the phone later and tell me not to be mad at him because she’s sure he didn’t mean it. We’re in our forties! Nobody was mad!

      But I think the thing they did right in all of this is to let us have our differences and to praise us equally. Sports, dance, music, and debate were all treated as equally valid pursuits. We didn’t have “why can’t you dress nicely like your sister?” or whatever. My younger sister had these ridiculous blonde curls when we were little. If some stranger would stop to say how pretty she was, my mom would always say “thank you! we’re really proud of all our children.” It seemed smarmy at the time, but now it seems really sweet. Not everyone looks like Shirley Temple in this family, but everyone is valued.

      1. Wow, this is totally my family, right down to being Midwestern Nice (yay Michigan!).

    4. We are almost 8 years apart, so my parents could have had us closer together. Now that we’re both adults, we are very close. They never played favorites or held one of us up as an example.

      1. A lot of posters are echoing the ‘not playing favorites’. As a variation on this theme, even though I am much older, I never had to babysit my sister, and my parents were very intentional about that to not create resentment.

    6. My older sister was incredibly cruel to me for many years because my mother negatively compared her to me. I basically don’t have a relationship with her other than greetings at birthday and Christmas. Honestly, I know I would need therapy in order to move forward with a relationship with her and I just would rather spend my money on other things. It probably sounds terrible, but I spent so many years on the receiving end of a lot of vicious comments, I am happy just to be free of that.

      I have a good relationship with my younger sister, partially because I did not want to repeat the pattern. I knew how awful it was to have a cruel older sibling, that I made a special effort to be kind and supportive to her. She is coming to visit this weekend!

      My mom is 90% responsible for the state of my relationship with my older sister. She will never admit she made such a huge mistake in raising her children. Compare your kids all you want inside your head, just don’t tell them that their sibling is prettier/ a better student/more talented/thinner/more athletic/more creative!

    7. I’m really close with my brother, but I would not recommend our approach. We were raised by our single mother (parents divorced when I was 4), who had a mental illness. She was normally a good mom, but she would be hospitalized for about 2-6 weeks about every three years. We were forced to depend on each other when she was ill, but not yet sick enough to be hospitalized, and when she was hospitalized (and we were either in foster care or, which my brother was about 16 and I was 14, staying home alone).

      I think this experience really bonded us together. We are really close even through we live across the country from each other – for example, we both like nature and have taken some international trips together. However, although we are fairly different people, we do have some similar interests, so may have ended up close anyways.

    8. My brother and I are super close – I don’t think my parents did anything to cultivate it, at least not intentionally. They modeled the behavior with their own siblings, which helped, and we both had a lot of time after school where it was just each other to hang out with since they both worked and we didn’t live in a place with a lot of outdoor space or other kids around. It helped that we had some similar interests (that were his first and I got into like the tag along sibling) and a similar sense of humor. We’re slightly different in terms of some values (he’s very bougie and I’m slightly more low budget even though I currently make more than him), and I’m generally more emotional than him, and maybe slightly more type A? We’re South Asian and he went into the medical profession, so I think there was a while where I felt like he was the favorite (he’s also naturally more athletic and the kind of guy that people gravitate towards, where I have to try harder for both of those things), but that didn’t really effect our relationship too much.

    9. My sister is 6 years younger than me, and I think that helped re: different personalities. It doesn’t really matter if a persons very different from you when they’re a lot younger/older. They also always talked to me about how she is my little sister, I should help take care of her. I know this is slightly controversial, but it helped me feel like this was someone else I was involved with, not just another kid taking away my parents attention or something. They also told her that she should listen to me, and that I would take care of her, and told both of us that even if siblings fight its only for a short while. Our culture in general places a lot of importance on the role of the older sibling (technically older son, but whateva) and I think that actually really helped. That little bit of “responsibility” has helped both of us see each other as family forever, and smooth over the little squabbles that can easily come over.

      I saw this quote once saying that if your parents pass away you lose some of your past, if your children pass away you lose some of your future, but if your sibling passes away you lose a bit of each because you expected them to be there for both parts, and that’s always resonated with me.

    10. My brother and I are close. We immigrated to the US as children and to a state where we have no family other than our nucleus one. So without cousins (which we were also super close to before we moved and continued to have an affinity with whenever we meet again), we kinda just had each other. Also because of the immigrant thing, our interests and views are very much shaped by our original culture and language so we’re on more similar wavelengths compared to any friends I might have. He’s the older smarter one, always first of his class, graduated valedictorian, got a PhD etc. That took a lot of pressure off of me because my parents seemed to have been content with one stellar kid. I do think he’s my mom’s favorite and it bothered me as a kid but I learned to get over it. I grew up always asking for his advices and looking for affirmation from him until one day I figured he’s just book smart and I make way better decisions on regular life stuff, so the big brother shine kinda wore off. But it’s still really nice to know that we will have each other’s back no matter what.

    11. They modeled a healthy family life. They saw their siblings often and encouraged us to have fun, friendly relationships with our cousins. They treated their siblings as friends and didn’t have higher/different standards for them.

    12. I’m the oldest of four. Youngest sister and I are both very Type A and organized, and also introverted. The middle two are more gregarious, fun-loving and go-with-the-flow. All of us pursued very different careers, but all have a common element of helping people in their own way, which I find interesting.

      What made us close, I think, was that we lived in a rural area. So 99% of the time, we were each other’s playmates. There was plenty of bickering and squabbling, but I don’t remember my parents getting involved unless things got REALLY out of hand. :) We also were expected to work together to get stuff done on our family farm, which cultivated a lot of respect. I think my parents did a good job of not unfairly comparing us. They acknowledged our differences but never made us feel like one type was “better” than another.

      My parents did a lot right in fostering strong sibling relationships. My mom had — and has — a complicated relationship with her own brother and I know it makes her happy that we generally get along and enjoy each other’s company, even though we have our differences at times.

      My siblings are my people, and I feel really lucky to have them.

    13. My mom always said something really comforting about how “you are all apples from our tree, but one of you is a Granny Smith, and one of you is a Fiji, and one of you is a Braeburn,” or whatever. (Setting aside actual opinions on apple varieties.) I think this was mostly played out in practice – we were each encouraged in our interests and hobbies, parents showed up to everybody’s events equally, etc. I think it helped that we were all girls, honestly – it’s probably not a popular opinion, but I do think it put us on equal footing with each other when it came to our parents’ affection (we are ALL daddy’s girls, lol). For a time when we were kids we all three shared a room, and it was a blast. We were all three close – and really tight as a family unit overall – until I started to develop a social life outside the house/go to college/have a summer job that took me away for big chunks of time/study abroad, and that led to (a) my two sisters having a much stronger bond with each other than with me, (b) me resenting my middle sister because I saw her as the gatekeeper. I’ll admit that my baby sister can do little wrong in any of our eyes, so I naturally pushed my resentment at my other sister, and our relationship has suffered because of that, among other things. We had some fights on this when we were older teenagers that I never felt got properly addressed in the family context, which could be because of the upheaval in my parents’ personal lives – aging parents, illness, etc., but which also, I think, could be because my family has a tendency to view me as The Emotional One and The One Who Always Cries (which is true), and my middle sister as The Only Reasonable One (which I disagree with, obviously!). My parents disagree on how this dynamic between us actually plays out, because each of them sees themselves in one of us, but only one ever wades into the fray, and it’s not the one who’d take my side.

      But I do love them, I promise. They’re wonderful, kickass people, and nobody else knows why stealing pencils from each other is the funniest thing in the world.

    14. My siblings and I are very close. I am the oldest, my sister is two years younger than me, and my brother is two years younger than her. However, I think our bond is strong because we had to stick together growing up. Our parents divorced, and our mom was severely depressed for most of our childhood. We had to figure things out together, including pooling our money in high school to buy necessities. This built a lot of trust. Now as adults, we get together with our spouses and kids once a week for lunch and we typically vacation together every summer. We do a lot of day trips to the lake together as well. We babysit each other’s kids, helped my sister leave her abusive first husband, and are just always there for each other. My mother got cancer once we were all grown up and we again banded together to take care of her and get her healthy again.

      With my own kids, I have always stressed to them that they are best friends and need to look out for each other. I sort of keep our family closed in on the weekends so they can just play together. I really want them to have the same strong bonds, but formed without the trauma.

  16. I will be attending a training session in NYC at what looks like the very bottom of the financial district, close to Battery Park (is that even still the financial district or is it the Battery?). Should I choose a hotel downtown/in the financial district, or will I be better off staying somewhere else and taking the subway to the training? I haven’t spent much time in that part of the city, but imagine it is not very interesting after business hours. I will not have much free time, but my off-hours priorities are eating and walking around. I love the High Line and would like to get the chance to visit it while I’m in town.

    The dress code for the training is business casual. What is typical of business casual in NYC these days? My trips there usually call for business formal, so I’m not sure what’s current for business casual.

    1. FWIW, I am Southern and the mac & cheese at the Soho Grand is amazing (they serve it at the bar). To me, it is a sacrament.

    2. Downtown manhattan has changed significantly over the past 4-5 years; it’s no longer a desolate place outside working hours (rents that are equal to or higher than other “desirable” parts of manhattan prove this). If you’re looking for convenience, I would definitely suggest staying downtown close to your training. If you want a little bit more of a neighborhood feel, stay in Tribeca (it should still be walkable to your training depending on the location).

      Downtown has great shopping now (Occulus, Brookfield Place), restaurants (Eatily among many others) and bars (suggest Dead Rabbit). Enjoy!

      1. I used to work near Battery Park/Wall St. and it was dead on weekends and evenings, to a lesser extent. I’m interested to hear that it has picked up!

    3. I liked the Four Seasons and the Conrad downtown. Lots of good shopping, sightseeing and food in the area (plus a Sprinkles cupcakes in Brookfield place!). Plus on the weekends the crowds are so much less intense downtown! If you want to explore another part of the city just jump on the subway. Stone Street is a little street near battery park with bars and restaurants with outside tables (and heat lamps!).

      1. +1 to Stone Street. So charming.

        Also check out Fraunces Tavern for a little bit of history with your meal or cocktail.

        South street seaport and the surrounding area have really become quite nice. Unfortunately this is because hurricane sandy destroyed everything around there but it makes lower Manhattan less of a ghost town since then.

    4. Hard to say what business casual is without knowing your industry (jeans are fine if you’re in tech, but definitely not in law), but in general clothing in NYC skews darker and less into loud prints. You can’t go wrong with slim fitting black pants, nice pointed toe flats or pumps and a blouse or sweater in a solid color. If you’re worried about not being formal enough, you can bring a blazer but I really doubt it’s necessary.

      2. This is good advice, but I would include a topper – blazer or cardigan – to layer if the training space is freezing.

  17. How many questions do you ask at the end of an interview? I usually have 3-4, especially if it’s not the first interview so I’ve already gotten some things answered, but sometimes the interviewers seem to be expecting more. And these aren’t yes/no answers, they are rather open ended questions.

    1. I am always impressed when a candidate asks thoughtful follow-up questions instead of just running through a list of prepared questions.

      1. This. Also, I like to see an interest in what it’s like to actually work there v. things you can google. For instance, if it’s a manager, I want to hear a lot of questions about what the team is like/what the dynamic is/and the culture of the group v. the organization.

    2. I guess try to think of enough in case there is dead air. As an interviewer, I often ask if the candidate has any other questions, because I genuinely want to answer their questions, but unless they really came across as not curious or not having done their homework, I’m not disappointed when they say they don’t have any more.

      1. This is good to hear. I definitely have actual research questions and plenty of naturally curious followup questions, but sometimes I do know what I know at that moment, or I have a question that really needs to be asked of someone else (higher/lover) on the team.

  18. I have a weird TMI question. My bras are comfortable when I’m wearing them. But when I take my bra off at night, my breast will be really sore for 5-10 minutes. Does this happen to anyone else? Any idea what is causing it.

    1. Not to alarm you, but that was one of my first pregnancy symptoms. Has this just started recently?

      1. Eh, extremely sore breasts were a very early pregnancy symptom for me too, but I’ve always had sore breasts around the time of my cycle and when taking off my bra. The soreness during early pregnancy was on another level, but soreness is not uncommon for some people all the time. I think bigger, fibrous breasts tend to be sore in general.

        1. So, there is literally no way I’m pregnant and this has been going on for years. It doesn’t seem to concede with my period, and it seems to be most days but may be worse when I’m ovulating. But I do have bigger breasts, I’m a 36DDD/G

  19. Can any shorties recommend a foot rest they like? I’m 4″11 and having trouble finding one that is high enough. The standard options on Am*zon are too low for me.

  20. My favorite maternity dresses were side tie styles like this. Don’t know if I could wear them again as non-pregnancy clothes…

  21. Can you help me plan my wedding outfit? I am thinking about one of these two dresses in green: https://m.shop.nordstrom.com/s/alfred-sung-strapless-high-low-satin-twill-ballgown-regular-plus-size/4700240?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=burgundy or https://m.shop.nordstrom.com/s/alfred-sung-high-low-sateen-twill-gown/4700236?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=hunter. It’s my second wedding and green is my fave color. First: honest thoughts? I’m short so a bit worried the dresses would overwhelm me but part of me also thinks they look regal and awesome. Second: ideas for accessorizing? I want awesome shoes because they will show, but they have to be comfortable enough to dance in. I am thinking pointy toe, ankle strap, and block heel not more than 3” in a fab color? I don’t want to spend more than $200 on shoes but I can if needed. Thank you, fashionable strangers!

    2. The first one is stunning, I love it. I think the high/low will work really well if you’re short. Ankle straps will look great. I would accessorize with some stunning earrings and leave the neck bare.

    3. Both gowns are gorgeous. I think the strapless one has a bigger wow factor. I can even imagine Elizabeth wearing it on The Crown.

      Wasn’t Senior Attorney’s wedding dress green?

      2. High five for the green wedding gowns! Fun fact: I have worn my green wedding gown four times since my wedding 2-1/2 years ago (most recently at a gala this past March 16 — how could I not?) and it has been so much fun!

        I vote for the first one!

    4. wow, both of these are gorgeous! I love the look of the shoes on the first one, but they don’t look super comfy. Can’t find too many pointy toe block heels unfortunately!

    6. I love the first one in the blush color which feels more bridal to me. But regardless of the color you choose, the silhouette looks awesome

    8. I’m in m0d

      Badgley Mischa Fiana

      Or another ankle strap kitten heel would be so pretty with that hemline

    9. I love the first one! I wanted to wear a green wedding dress, Im so jealous. My mom pulled her one veto and I ended up in the darkest ivory I could find. Hooray for non-traditional wedding dresses!

    10. Thank you! I’m going with the first one. It is honestly super fun to wear, I feel like a bad@$$ queen. I’m so excited! And proud to be following in the footsteps of Senior Attorney :)

  22. If you got pushed out of biglaw, how did you deal with feelings of – my career is over; or nothing I do will compare? Or what prevented you from having such feelings.

    1. Let yourself have those feelings and then move on. I was pushed out and am living my best life, but it took me a few months to grive the image of the successful big law partner I had for myself. After some time outside of biglaw, you realize there are a ton of people out there who are smart, driven, and do good interesting work, and that you still have plenty of opportunities (not to mention more time to live your life).

    2. I got pushed out as a partner. It was not fair and I’ll just leave it at that but there was nothing I could do. It was the worst year of my life aside from the year I lost a parent. Now a few years later I am in such a better place. I am making less money of course but I work in a diverse workplace in house where I am a valued advisor and best of all – no trying to bring in business (I hated that aspect as a spectacularly unconnected person who had to constantly compete with men who were bff with hedge fund owners from their private school days and people who seemed to be given shared credit on an arbitrary basis). I have a life now also.

      My advice is time heals these wounds. It is awful while you are going through it. But it gets better. It took me time to see my career as a marathon and the idea that people stay in one job for many years is not the case anymore. Hugs. Sorry it happened to you.

    3. I left biglaw on my own, but for something that I sometimes have those feelings about. I’ve been thinking a lot about what a meaningful life looks like for me and what I want out of life. I loved my work and colleagues, but the demands of my practice weren’t compatible with how I want to spend my time at this point in my life.

      There are a lot of ways to add value to the world and following well-worn paths is not the best for everyone. Can you look to see if there’s something differently that would be better for you? Or, if biglaw is your path, go somewhere else that will help you back on the path you want?

      There’s a great Recode Decode podcast with Basecamp CEO Jason Fried and another with VC Chamath Palihapitya on their approaches to life and work.

  23. Probably a shot in the dark but have any of you had calf lengthening surgery for plantar fasciitis? It’s called gastroc recession.

    I’ve had my max number of steroid shots and the last one didn’t even help. I’ve had acupuncture and physical therapy, I’ve taken high dose anti-inflammatories, I’ve changed all my footwear. Basically I have exhausted my conservative treatment options.

    I’m mainly interested in hearing from people who have had the surgery and whether they are glad they did. Thanks!

    1. If you are truly saying you’ve exhausted all of your conservative treatment options then this will sound stupid, but have you dedicated yourself to 5-7 stretching sessions per day? PT is really only there as a means to encourage compliance, so you really should be doing the PT work multiple times per day to see continued improvement.

      I have PF and Achilles problems and I totally empathize because it sucks so.bad. I stretch multiple times a day and also keep a golf ball under my desk that I use to roll out my feet while I’m working at my desk. I hope you get the relief you need!

        1. I’m sorry, I first got mine in the fall of 2016 so I do know how frustrating it is. Good luck.

  24. Cross-posting from Moms site . . .
    So, here’s another “what would you do?” job conundrum. I am an attorney currently working in local government, having escaped midlaw life after 10 years and when my 3rd kid was on the way. My local government job is not technically an attorney role, so I’ll call it akin to a “J.D.-preferred” gig in the private sector.
    This job was just what I needed when I needed it, but I’ve been here about 4 years and I’m happy with what I’ve done, I’m bored, and I’m underpaid.
    I’ve been looking for a new job in the private sector off and on for 2 years but nothing’s working out so far.
    A new position has just opened up in my current local government in a different department, dealing even more directly with the courts and the legal system. It’s a promotion in title and responsibilities from where I am now, it only pays about $5k more max, but I keep all my benefits and I move from non-exempt to exempt, which in itself would be great (I have lots of time off, but I also hate not being able to work from home when I could, for example).
    I’d eventually still like to move back into the private sector, and I feel like if I stay in my current role much longer the job hunt will only get worse. I feel like I have to force my career progression somehow at this point, even if it’s still in local government. I’m disappointed that I haven’t been able to find anything I really wanted, and at the pay increase I’ve been hoping for, but at least this could be a new challenge for a year or two while I keep looking.
    Thoughts?

    1. If it’s the same organization & just a different role, it will barely register as a change. I would take the new job & keep up your external search. I don’t think you need to plan on doing it for a year or two.

  25. My ovaries really want me to have kids. My brain, and every rational part of my being recognizes the whole laundry list of reasons why that’s 1. a bad idea and 2. not even something *I* really want. I’ve started getting jealous of all the people I know who are having kids, especially the ones I don’t personally think “should” be having kids (not my place to tell other people how their life should go but the thoughts are still there). So many people in my social circle have had one, if not two, and many have more on the way, and it just makes me sad, like I’ve been cheated out of something.

    But I don’t even want kids. First off, agent orange exposure has wreaked havoc on my family and their children. My sister just had a baby with congenital limb defects (which the doctors “accidentally” missed in their ultrasounds right up until she was literally in labor) which we don’t know whether they’re genetic or not. I have an aunt who was born with a hole in her heart. Mental health issues are everywhere in my family (from normal anxiety/depression, to bipolar disorder). Then I have concerns of being a bad parent–my toxic mother genuinely thought she was a good parent who did everything to the best of their ability, and was entirely oblivious to her abuse. How can I honestly say I wouldn’t be just as unaware?

    On top of all this, I am very selfish. I have very little emotional energy and am very stingy with who and what I spend it on. I love sleep. I love disappearing and not talking to people for days. I love not having to plan around other people. I plan on traveling. I am disgusted at the thought of child birth/pregnancy (which can, however, be circumvented with adoption). I am vain. I just…I have no reason to feel so strongly about wanting a kid when I have so many legitimate reasons not to have one. Yet here we are. Hormones are the worst.

    1. Post again in the morning? I have similar unexplained hormones and feelings that seem to have come on suddenly and I’m interested in the replies you may get

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