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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 153 Comments · by

Thursday’s TPS Report: Cap-Sleeve Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)· Under $150

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Jones New York Collection Cap-Sleeve Sheath DressI found this simple, cap-sleeved sheath dress on Monday while doing our round-up of basic sleeveless sheath dresses and thought, ooh, pretty — but now that it's on deep discount now at both Lord & Taylor and Dillards the find is all the sweeter. I like the modest V, the set-in waist, and the ladylike hem length. It was $99 (and still is at JNY.com), but at Lord & Taylor it's marked to $59 (take an extra 20% off with code LOVE, bringing it down to $47) and down to $41 at Dillards. Jones New York Collection Cap-Sleeve Sheath Dress Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. mintberrycrunch

    Love this – and a great price! Too bad this color is my nemesis…

      • AIMS

        I would totally try it but I just bought three dresses yesterday and cannot justify. Especially because now I need to buy some brown pumps to go with them.

        Speaking of which, I saw these on Rue La La and they are exactly what I want except that (1) I’d prefer to spend $100 or under and (2) I need a size 7/7.5. Anyone seen something similar?
        http://www.ruelala.com/event/product/72045/1311928906/0/DEFAULT

      • Ellen

        I agree. The price is RIGHT, and I love Lord & Taylor, but the color, As Grandma Leyeh says all the time Oy Vay! She like’s us to wear bright red, but NOT tomatoe red. Also, the manageing partner want’s me to wear fire-engine red for the judge, and he love’s it to b/c he is alway’s STAREING at my leg’s when I wear either RED, WHITE or BLACK, with matching pump’s of course! YAY, b/c I rarley loose a motion with him. I am due back Tuesday on 3 of Roberta’s case’s and ROBERTA want’s to go to Century 21 afterward’s! YAY b/c I do NOT go there execept when we go to court.

        I am a little conerned about Robert. He keep’s askeing for a picture he can put in his locker. That is so tackey! I told him NO picture’s for him or his lawn cutteing freind’s. I do NOT want his picture either, b/c then he will be even MORE demanding. Mean while, Philip is NOT texteing me today. I do NOT think I can figure him out. He want’s to date, but NOT to get sereious I think. I NEVER want to take the lead, but Grandma Leyeh says to be more aggresive. I am NOT goeing to throw my self at him tho. FOOEY. No man is worth that, after Alan. DOUBEL FOOEY!

  2. Cornellian

    On a related note, has anyone recently been “surprised” by how good (or bad) a color looks on them? As a very fair woman with blue/green eyes, neutral undertones, and strawberry-leaning dark blonde hair, I had solidly written off colors in the burnt orange/mustard/yellow category, which was unfortunate as I went to the University of Texas for years. I don’t generally wear warm colors, although I find that a true, london firetruck red is quite flattering.

    I bought a mustard-colored dress from nordstrom last summer, though, and it apparently really works on me. I get compliments all the time on it.

    • hellskitchen

      I hear ya. I have dark warm-toned skin and black hair and for some reason I always avoided lighter pastel-y colors like lilac, mint, yellow but tried on some clothes in these colors and was surprised that they actually look good on me.

      • Diana Barry

        Yup. I avoided yellow and bright pink for a long time but they look pretty good on me. Also, navy. Why did I think I hated navy? :)

        • AttiredAttorney

          Second on the navy! As a dark blonde, light/medium skin toned person, I am so sad that I *just* discovered navy! It is a fantastic color on me -much more flattering than the black it generally replaces in my wardrobe.

        • hellskitchen

          Likewise. I think there’s such a prevailing mindset that black works for all skin tones that I never considered navy as an alternative. But it looks so much chicer than black

          • NOLA

            I’m so pale that solid black looks really harsh against my skin. I’ve found that charcoal softens it enough and looks much better.

    • NOLA

      For me, what colors are flattering/unflattering can be so subtle. I ordered an interesting top (I thought) from J. Jill and I’m sending it back. I can wear peach that’s toward the pink, but this is more yellow and, while it doesn’t look bad, it’s not great. I’ve also sent back tops if the color if more grayed than I expected. Those kinds of colors (especially mauve) wash me out. I can’t wear orange/mustard/olive at all.

    • Eleanor

      Yes! I avoided anything orange for most of my life, but a few years ago I realized it actually works on me. Now I wear orange all the time. Conversely, I realized last week that emerald green just does not look good with my coloring, though I can’t pointpoint why. Bizarre that it took me so long to realize these things.

    • ss

      My surprise was a necklace of flat black plasticky discs which I tossed in as an after-thought to the rest of my shopping a few years ago. They are the perfect thing to delineate the neckline of ivory/ beige/taupe garments which might otherwise make me look washed-out because they are too close to my own skin colour, and I wear them a lot.

    • Susie

      I think I’m colorblind (well not literally) – I just know if I like a color but I’m not sure if I could tell whether it actually looks good or bad on me. I don’t even know how I would describe my own color – I’m causasian with brown hair and green-brown eyes but not sure if my skin tone is described as olive or light or what. Same with makeup, not sure if I have the yellow or blue overtones or what. Something for me to look into I guess.

      • Meg Murry

        I just know which colors I don’t necessarily like on myself – but I’m not sure whether its because they don’t suit me or just because I personally don’t like the color (like mustardy-yellow and orange). I’ve been told reds & purples suit me, and I like them too, so I just go with that.

        I think “my colors” have also evolved as I’ve gotten older because as a kid I spent so much time outdoors in the summer, so I had medium-tan skin and sunstreaked hair most of the year – whereas now I make a point of wearing sunscreen and staying out of intense sun, plus I just don’t have the time to be outdoors so much that I am much, much paler and my hair is much darker.

      • Judithesl

        I have similar coloring that doesn’t really have blue or yellow undertones. What works best are colors that are bright but not too dark: spring green rather than emerald, pinky peaches, periwinkle over lavendar. Pastels, taupe and beige wash me out. Navy, medium brown and gray but also black work for meutrals. Try turquoise too; it looks amazing.

    • eek

      Yeah, I’m wearing a purple shell with a coral cardigan today. It looks (I think) surprisingly good and is really out of my color comfort zone.

      • anonypotamus

        I’m wearing a coral cardigan today too! I always loved the way it looked on others, but I intentionally avoided coral because I thought it looked heinous on me, but I think its a matter of finding the right shade. I’m obsessed now!

    • saacnmama

      I hated browns for years, but have lately found they work nicely on me. Black seems much better now than when I was younger too (I’m a “summer”)

    • colorlovinganon

      I’d recommend getting your “colors done” to see what looks the best on you. I know it sounds so 80’s, but it is more precise now and a lot of fun. I did it recently and it was like a science . I was pretty close with my own colors and season, but I really enjoyed finding some new colors that were surprisingly nice on me. I’m a fair brunette and a jewel tone fan, but I was surprised how nice icy shades (not pastels) looked with my coloring. So that yellow that looms so nice on you may be picking up a complementary color in your skin tone.

  3. hellskitchen

    I love this dress! Does Dillard’s have a good return policy in case it doesn’t work out well?

  4. Seersucker

    This was probably covered, but what color shoes would one wear with a blue & white seersucker outfit? I’m thinking brown or nude. Am I missing something more creative??

      • Anonymous

        I disagree, red looks so 4th of july with seersucker. I would go any nude for you, beige, gray, purple even. I find a gray shoe very versatile I think I wear mine more than my black pumps/

        • Anonymous

          not sure i understand the aversion to red. youre wearing a searsucker suit, right? you already look fourth of july! Which, in my opinion, is not a bad thing at all.

          I wear red, yellow, or nude with mine.

          • Anonymous

            I think there is a big difference between wearing blue and white, and literally wearing red white and blue.

      • Jules

        I clerked in federal court in a Southern city where all the men wore seersucker suits. One 80-year-old judge always wore his with a string tie and saddle shoes. It was 1989 but in the back halls of our courthouse it could have been 1949.

    • Cat

      Nude, cognac, green, yellow, orangey red (to avoid 4th of July as someone mentioned above), gray, purple…

  5. JMDS

    Has anyone here shopped on the Lord and Taylor website? I love the discounts you can get in store, but am finding that their website is slow and not at all intuitive.

    • Niktaw

      Yes, their website is awful, but I ordered from them at least once with no major problems. Their search and sort functions don’t work well, so it’s challenging finding an item you want, but you are OK once it is in your shopping cart.

    • roses

      Their website is terribly designed. I find that if the search functions work at all (sometimes they won’t even process when I click), they often don’t filter according to what I put in. It also isn’t always clear what discounts can be applied to what items. That said, if you can stand the inconvenience, you can wind up with some pretty awesome discounts.

      World’s worst retailer website though goes to BB&B. I seriously considered moving my wedding registry elsewhere when I realized how poorly designed it was.

  6. Lateral Associate

    Threadjack! I am a junior/mid level associate and I just received a lateral offer from a law firm that I am really excited about (yay!). They did not initially offer a signing bonus in the offer letter. My recruiter says I should ask for one. I am taking a pay cut and of course I won’t be getting the sizable bonus that I would receive at my current firm when I leave to go to the other firm. Of course it’s certainly not all about money but I want to ask for a signing bonus, and I also know of 3 other people in my practice group and city and in similar situations who received signing bonuses. Any advice on the best way to approach this? Thank you!

    • mascot

      You don’t get what you don’t ask for. Tell your recruiter what you want and have them negotiate it. They are getting paid to bring you into the firm so they are motivated to get you there,

      • Lateral Associate

        mascot, so you think the recruiter should be the one asking and not me? At this point the head of the group sent me the offer letter directly and told me to contact him if I had any questions. I guess I wasn’t sure if at this point the recruiter drops out of the process?

        • mascot

          My recruiter offered to call on my behalf for my negotiations although she also said that I could handle it directly if I wished. I am pretty sure she ended up going back to them for salary increase. And yes, my offer was sent to me directly from the hiring partner with his contact info, call with questions, etc. Even going through the recruiter, I got a positive answer pretty quickly.

  7. TBK

    Just wondering if anyone else has this problem. I tend to carry weight in my upper arms. Even when I’ve been in great shape, my upper arms have been flabby and a little fat. When I put on weight, anything that doesn’t go to my hips/thighs/backside goes to my upper arms. Otherwise, I’m fairly slight through the shoulders, chest, ribcage, and waist. This means that buying tops can be a nightmare. Anything stretchy is fine, but button front shirts, some jackets, and anything else that’s fitted is difficult. I’m tired of wearing dress shirts that are either tight in the sleeves or ginormous through the body. Also, now that it’s getting to be summer (someday – DC is still chilly this year!) I absolutely hate the thought of unveiling my flabby, pasty, upper arms. Anyone else have this problem? If so, any brands you find are cut with a little more room in the sleeves?

    • BMBG

      This is totally me. I find sleeves in JCrew to be too tightly cut. Madewell is OK. I like Brooks Brothers sleeves for button-front shirts because they tend to give a lot of room in the arms. Other than that it’s trial and error. But I totally hear you — you don’t want to wear sleeveless (or at least I don’t), but sleeves never fit!

    • Anon

      I have a similar problem, but I think my not very big arm muscles are too big to fit in sleeves. I usually have luck with Gap, Banana, and Land’s End. I can’t usually wear button downs unless they’re in tall sizes that cut for larger shoulders/arms, like Gap (instead of adding on fabric to the sleeve, like JCrew). Also, I know Express gets a bad rap here, but because their shirts are designed to be form-fitting you can size up for arms and shoulders and not look like you’re wearing a tent.

    • Penna

      No advice, just commiseration. Also curious if other ladies have solutions for this. I am constantly sizing up in suit jackets because of my arms.

    • AEK

      Ugh, this is totally me! I am always the person wearing something over my dress. In the summer time, I live in cropped cardigans over my dresses. I never feel comfortable exposing my upper arms.

      I haven’t found any brands that consistently work; for me, it’s always trial and error. My suit jackets from J. Crew and Pendleton don’t cling too much on the arms.

    • Anon

      My issues are slightly different (I have a small frame but am very muscular) and what works for me is to stick to a fitted/tailored shirt but size up. That way, the torso isn’t absurdly large, but the sleeves fit. Example – nearly everything in my closet (pants, dresses, skirts, tops) is a size 6. Most of my button downs are fitted/tailored size 10s. They are still flattering in the torso, and I can actually bend my arms without risking tearing through an elbow (or reach forward without risking an Incredible Hulk tear on the back of my shirt).

      Banana Republic is a good brand for this.

      • AnonAZ

        “or reach forward without risking an Incredible Hulk tear on the back of my shirt”

        The mental image of this made me LOL in my office. I totally understand the feeling. I have one dress in particular that I pray I don’t need to reach really far in any direction when I wear it. Odd, because the rest of it fits perfectly.

    • ss

      Not neccessarily the answer you may be looking for, but I’ve found it helps to get older and less self-conscious ! (although the chubbiness of my upper arms do stop short of creating fit problems w off-the-peg garments)

    • King Kong

      King Kong never find sleeves that fit.

      King Kong cry.

      People think great ape not sensitive.

      Very sensitive though.

    • TBK

      So happy I’m not the only one! I feel like everyone focuses on how to deal with extra flab in the waist or hips, but it’s like everyone is expected to have perfectly slim arms. Or, if you don’t, just losing weight/lifting will fix it. Even when I was a nice, slim size 6, I still had sleeve issues. I’ll check out BB for shirts. My current shirts are BR and were fine 10lbs ago, but are really not fine now. Ditto on my J Crew suit jackets.

      • Anonymous

        For short sleeved shirts, you could see if a tailor could put in some elastic on the underside of the sleeve (the part that’s closet to your body. I would imagine it would help some; I’ve got this on a few of my short sleeve shirts that have buttons (haven’t been able to button them in years).

    • Lady Harriet

      I have the exact same problem! I lost a little over 30 lbs last year, and I don’t think my arms got any smaller. I also have a big chest (32FF) so between the two I have trouble finding non-knit tops that fit. I don’t have any advice, but I do commiserate with the issue!

    • Houston Attny

      Yes, yes, yes! Many friends feel the same way. If so many of us have this concern, why are strapless wedding gowns the norm, and anything with a sleeve hard to find or considered ‘special’? Just something I’ve been wondering in my searching. Grrr.

      • SFBayA

        Because it’s cheaper for the manufacturers to make strapless dresses and allows them to fit more women. Sleeves are hard. Hard to cut, hard to design, and regardless of the design, narrow the number of women who can wear the dress because see above – we all have different arm sizes. In order to maximize the number of potential customers and to minimize costs, they push strapless dresses.

      • hoola hoopa

        I also think that strapless gowns tend to look nicer as sample gowns in initial fittings. A strapless gown that has to be clipped back or unzipped looks almost like the correct size, but non-strapless bodices can look quite awkward and require more imagination to see the fit in the correct size. Salons would need multiple sample sizes for non-strapless gowns but can probably get by with one size of strapless, and brides gravitate towards them when trying on dozens of dresses.

    • Susie

      More so than my arms, I dislike the area between my armpit and b**b, any dress that cuts across this area (ie. all sweethearts and some sleeveless) looks terrible on me.

  8. Anon C

    Threadjack!
    Here is an update from a couple months ago and a new question. I previously posted because I started a new job and was becoming very close with a male colleague. We both have SO’s but were spending every lunch together and emailing outside of work. I was confused but many of you made me realize that I had just not had good male friends in the past. I did not find him attractive but many of you warned this would change. Well, you were right. Now, a couple months later, we are still inseparable and we have admitted that if we were single, we would be together but it’s said very lightheartedly. We have not crossed any lines. Do any of you have similar stories where a male and female colleague can admit this attraction and still maintain just a good friendship?

    • Ashley

      Anon C, IMHO, it is certainly crossing a line to tell someone else that you would be with them if you were both single.

        • Yes.

          + a million. If my husband said this to someone I would be super upset and would be suspicous of the friendship for all of eternity.

    • LilyB

      If I were your SO, I’d be extremely hurt by this. If you’ve said to/done anything with this guy that you wouldn’t want to tell your SO, you’ve crossed a line.

    • TO Lawyer

      I have a male friend and we have a very flirty relationship and have admitted that we would have at least hooked up had he not had a girlfriend. That said, I’m under no illusions that this is appropriate behaviour on either one of our parts. This dynamic with him also existed when I was with my ex but I was very careful not to say anything inappropriate while I had an SO.

      IMO, you know you’ve crossed a line or you wouldn’t be posting here. I think you can maintain a friendship but you need to distance yourself from him and not say anything like that – you need to be VERY careful here since both of you have SOs.

    • Anne Shirley

      You have already crossed major lines: personally, this amounts to cheating in my book, and professionally, this is not an appropriate relationship to have with a coworker. You need to tell him that you think you’ve become too close and you need to take a step back. Stop the lunches, stop the emails. Even if you do decide to split with your SO, he isn’t single. And you’ll look terrible at work if you seem to be pursuing an unavailable coworker.

      • Anonymous

        I’m not sure how she’s “already cheated.” She may have said something inappropriate, but its not cheating. Pearl-clutching at its finest.

        I would put this person out of your head. Walk away from the relationship before you end up with some real problems. If you no longer want to be with your SO, break up with him separate and apart from everything to do with this co-worker. Take some time, and them find someone single.

        • A Nonny Moose

          Disagree completely with your first paragraph. Emotional cheating is just as bad, if not worse, than physically cheating.

    • Nellie

      I think it’s very telling that your concern is about how you can maintain a “good friendship” with this person and not how to maintain your marriage. You’re not single. There’s no shame in developing crushes, but you keep looking for ways to walk further down a dangerous path when you should be trying to go in the other direction! The fact that you and this man have become confidants on personal issues is a huge red flag.

    • Meg Murry

      If its getting to that point, I think you need to step the friendship back to just work. My husband (call him Calvin) and I were long distance in college (before we were dating), and his best friend was a girl (call her Kate), while I had a close guy friend I spent a lot of time with (call him Joe). I found it helpful to think when hanging out with Joe – would I be upset if Calvin and Kate did/said/acted like this? For instance – if Kate hugged him, would that be ok? Yes. If Kate sat on his lap and flirted? No. Etc. Or if Joe had a girlfriend, would this bother her? If so, I scaled back my interactions with Joe – so less hugging and hanging out one on one, for instance, and more group outings and general friendliness without flirtation.

      I would cut out the “every lunch together” and emailing outside of work. Especially ask yourself – would you be willing to let your SO read the whole email chain (and the frequency of emails)? What about coworker’s SO – how would she handle reading the emails? Or if a mutual friend told either of the SOs about how you spend so much time together, etc – would the SOs be upset? And even if it hasn’t crossed a line yet, I suspect there is gossip at your workplace that it has. How would your SOs feel if they heard the gossip?

      I would cut back lunches to occasionally (and preferably in the company cafeteria) and invite others to join you for lunches – not just the 2 of you. Once it hits attraction, you’re walking on thin ice. Its one thing to enjoy your coworker’s company or find him attractive. Its another to think about whether you would date him, because the next question is – would either of you end your relationship for the other person? And whatever you do, don’t get drunk together. That is asking for disaster.

    • Olivia Pope

      I was firmly in the “you are just friends” camp, but you’ve crossed the line. Stop having lunches alone and stop contacting him outside of work. Frankly, it sounds like you are having an emotional affair. Talking about how you would be together if you were in relationships is not good.

      Either focus on the relationship that you’re in or end it. But don’t carry on like this with someone else.

    • S

      Sorry to be blunt, but you are in an emotional affair right now. If you value your relationship with your SO, you need to get out right away.

    • Brant

      <—(The line was back over there) :) But now that you've crossed it, take a good hard look at what this tells you.

      Perhaps it isn't telling you to break up with SO and get together with Work Friend, but it may be telling you that you are not happy with SO, and that you are finding other options attractive.

      If neither of those things are true, then back off with Work Friend. Think about your SO–if your SO and his female work friend had the "we'd be hooking up right now if we didn't have those SO's…" would you be hurt??

    • darjeeling

      sorry to have to agre with everyone else- you need to cut this off or you’re in danger of tanking your relationship, and you’re probably not doing your professional reputation any favors.

    • cc

      Sorry, but saw this coming a mile away. You have absolutely crossed lines already. I would be extremely hurt if I found out my bf said this to a woman. You can’t maintain a good friendship when you each are thinking about more than friendship. I forget if you are married or just in a serious relationship but you need to figure out what you want to save the friendship or the relationship- because you cant save both. You started by saying you weren’t attracted to him, now you are but “no lines have been crossed” and if you keep the status quo your next post will be “I am having an affair, it just happened!” So either pull way, way back with this guy frienship, or have a serious talk with your SO about what is missing or going wrong in that relationship. Actually you should probably do both.

    • Susie

      I think as long as your SO knows about your friendship it’s not crossing a line. My closest friend at work is a guy, we do hang out outside work, sometimes with my husband sometimes without. We text and email each other, mostly funny stuff, and I often shares these messages with my husband too. I think my guy friend is fun and attractive, I’m not sure we would be compatible romantically but if I wasn’t married I would at least have hooked up with him.

      • KLG

        Her SO knows about the friendship, but does he know that she would rather be with this guy than with him? That’s crossing a line.

      • LH

        I think there’s a big difference between thinking this and saying it though. Even if you’re married, its normal to think someone who is not your spouse is attractive and that, if you were still single, you would have wanted to be with them. But telling your friend this invites disaster in a way that thinking it does not.

    • Anon

      No, you cannot admit this attraction and still continue a good friendship. This is going to lead down a bad path. Cut of non-work contact with this guy and focus on your marriage. Are there problems that haven’t been dealt with yet? Think about what originally attracted you to your husband and focus on that – not on what attracts you to your co-worker.

      Please do not let this go any further. It will end badly and your husband will be extremely hurt. Not to mention, you will have to live with the consequences for the rest of your life.

      This flirtation and attraction is not worth the pain down the road. Unfortunately, I speak from experience and I wish I could have told myyounger self not to go down this path. It’s not worth it.

    • saacnmama

      I am very good friends with my son’s godfather, a former colleague of mine. He has stayed with us (my son & me–I’m single) while giving a guest lecture at my university and spends time with me, my son, and me & my son when we see each other at conferences. He and his wife and kids visited us last month. She and I are not particularly close, never have been. She knows that he and I are friends and seems to have no problem with it. The main difference I see between this friendship & yours is that it is totally platonic in the sense that I can’t see anything happening between us ever, even if she fell off the planet. I love him like a brother, but can’t imagine doing anything any more than I could see doing it with a sibling. I have no idea what he thinks about me in that regard, because we have never come close to speaking about it.

      It would be very foolish of him to approach me or any other woman. He has a wife who he’s loved for 25 years. They have a stable relationship. He doesn’t have to wonder what’s going on. He doesn’t have to chase. He can focus on other, more productive things. That makes me jealous.

      • Brant

        Agree. One of my best friends (since forever) is male. I have had nothing but platonic feelings for him since absolutely forever. He’s like the older brother I never had. DH thinks he’s obnoxious (which he is) but has no anxieties about the time we spend together.

  9. Anonymous

    Any thoughts on what to say on a card you send with a gift for a baby (yet to be born)? A friend from college is expecting and I got her a couple of cute baby outfits and want to send a note with them but this is the first of my friends to have a baby so I’m at a loss for appropriate things to say beyond “Congrats” Also does the note need to be addressed to her & her husband (whom I don’t know) or is it appropriate to address it just to her? I wanted to say something about how I know she’ll be a great mom but I’ve never met her husband so I wouldn’t say something like “I know you’ll be great parents” if the note was addressed to both of them.

    • Meg Murry

      I’d address it just to her if you don’t actually know her husband. The part about knowing she’ll be a great mom is fine, especially if as you said – you don’t actually know her husband, so would be silly to say they’d be great parents. But you could end the note with “Congrats to you, husband and baby! Best wishes!” or something like that.

    • mamabear

      “Dear Friend,

      I am so excited for you and your bundle of joy! You’ll make a great mom. I could not resist these cute little things for the baby.

      Love Anonymous “

  10. anon for this

    any tips on handling a subordinate that keeps cutting me off and talking over me?
    she is a direct report and i think is uncomfortable asking questions, so when i start to answer her questions, she will say things like “ya, ya, ya.. i knew that.” it is annoying, unprofessional, and unacceptable, but i dont know how to make it stop. when she starts up, i will stop talking and let her finish, but that technique has not resolved the problem, because she seems uncomfortable with my silence and keeps babbling. next time, i was thinking of saying something like, “i have the floor, please allow me to finish.” thoughts?

    • Melissa

      When I was in a summer job during college, I was unfortunately like your direct report. I didn’t realize I was doing that until my boss told me explictly what you said about it being “annoying, unprofessional, and unacceptable” — using very similar words, in fact — right when I did so. She was direct, and I did feel embarrassed briefly, but I learned to stop doing that and I am grateful that she told me rather than let me continue doing so and possibly damage my career.

      • Meg Murry

        I agree with this – but do it privately, in your office or a closed conference room -not in front of people. Maybe suggest she just nod her head instead or give an occasional mm-hmm. I know I am guilty of this, especially when I get excited, and it can make me seem like a know-it-all/PITA, so I have to bite my tongue sometimes.

        Is it possible that you are answering her questions too basically, so she is trying to say “I know that part, but its the details/later in the procedure/deeper that I don’t understand?

        I also would remind her that when she is new is the time to ask questions, no one is going to think less of her for asking questions of things she had no way of knowing or never was taught. Maybe set aside a set time to talk to her privately and ask her to write down her questions so you can address them all at once? Or even offer up some kind of “confessional” setting – “Is there anything that you feel like you should know how to do/how it works but you don’t and want some help?” Its possible if she’s been in the job for a while but wasn’t trained properly that she feels like she can’t ask, but is afraid of making a mistake since she doesn’t know the right way to do it/right answer.

        • anon for this - OP

          thanks, ladies! i should have added some details. she is a subordinate, but is my age. also, she is not new by a few years. so, i think she is embarassed that she is not as familiar with our work as she should be. this unfamiliarity has cost her a promotion. so, i set up “confessional” type meetings, as you mentioned, Meg Murray. it is in this setting that she keeps cutting me off and talking over me. so, i feel like it is a double whammy because i am taking time to help her learn how to do her job even though she is pretty senior and she is disrespecting me as i help her. argh! government!

          • Brooklyn, Esq.

            Next time she starts talking over you: “I’m sorry to cut you off, So and So, but you’ve just asked me a question. I am trying to answer you, but you are talking over me. I want to make these sessions productive, and I’m very happy to answer your questions and hear any follow-up or feedback you might have, but it is difficult to do so when you keep interrupting. I have noticed this happening before, so I wanted to address it with you. Now, as I was saying…”

            Identify the problem (it’s possible she’s doing it without really noticing), point out why it’s an impediment in a way that’s not personal, and move on.

            Have a shorter/more casual version prepared if it happens again, and be prepared to repeat it in a kind but firm tone of voice: “Hang on, you’ve interrupted me, let me finish what I was saying.”

  11. nice cube

    any GI doctor recommendations in DC/NOVA?
    i thinki might have IBS or something else that is causing inconcistencies in my GI. i have kept a food log for the past few weeks and would like to talk to a doc about it.

    • GI Doc

      I see Dr. Kevin Collier – he’s near Farragut Square. He’s nice…laid back yet thorough. I’ve been very happy with him for the past two years.

  12. Cb

    Is there some sort of tool in which I can enter my student loans, deferral status, and interest rate and it will tell me which to pay down first? I’d like to make a big payment (they’re all in deferral now but I have a mix of subsidised and unsubsidised loans) but am scared I’ll pay to the wrong one and end up losing out on making a dent on my interest.

    • Anonymous

      Unless I’m missing something, there are two schools of thought on debt prepayment: pay off the one with the highest interest rate fastest, so your cost of investment is less; or pay off the smallest first, so that you feel a sense of accomplishment that will motivate you.

      • Cb

        That makes sense, I just wasn’t sure if the deferral status and whether they were undergrad or grad loans made a difference (lower interest on UG but they’re older). Think it’s probably best to pay towards my unsubsidised loan with the highest interest rate. Everything is in deferral til 2016 so hopefully can get most of the unsubsidised paid before I have to start paying on the subsidised.

        • Meg Murry

          Read the fine print to make sure that making payments doesn’t take them out of deferral status.

          One other factor – are you going to be working in a field that has a debt forgiveness program? For instance, some programs where you teach in a low income area will pay off or forgive Federal Perkins loans after a certain number of years – but won’t do anything for private loans. Same thing with taxes – does only Federal Loan interest count against taxes, or all interest (not a lawyer or tax expert, maybe someone else can weigh in)?

          Have you heard of debt snowballing? The concept is here: http://www.daveramsey.com/article/get-out-of-debt-with-the-debt-snowball-plan/ and I’ll post a link to a spreadsheet that allows you to put in your debts, interest rates etc and see what happens. Are you planning to pay a set amount monthly, or just throw any extra money you have at one loan until its gone, then go to the next one?

          Last concept: pay off the one that’s the biggest PITA first – from what I’ve heard from some people, that’s Sallie Mae. I know this is the concept my BIL took – even though his other interest rates were higher, Sallie Mae was the one that drove him craziest, with the highest late fees, etc, so he paid that off first just to get it out of his hair.

          • Cb

            This is super helpful, thanks! Sadly no debt forgiveness, I’m planning to settle abroad. I get a decent stipend and my living expenses are quite low so I’m hoping to throw a big chunk once a year for the next three years (hoping to pay about 75% down). I know it’s probably more advantageous to pay monthly interest-wise but I live in the UK and have to do UK bank to US bank to Nelnet and it’s too much of a hassle more regularly than once a year.

    • Anon

      Not a finance person, but have a mix of large education loans…

      Unsubsidized, highest interest rate. Unless the highest interest rate on the unsubsidized is significantly lower than the subsidized.

      For example, if the unsubsidized loans are at 7.8% (a Grad Plus loan) and the subsidized are at 6.8%, then you pay that unsub one.

      If instead the highest on your unsubsidized is around 4% (random # based on possible private loans), and you’re going to be out of deferral soon, why not pay the subsidized higher interest one off so that once deferral ends, there is less principal on which to accrue the higher interest?

    • Anon in NYC

      Google DOLP method. It is part of David Bach’s debt program. You can easily create a spreadsheet that lists the balance and minimum payments, and based on certain calculations you get a “score” and the DOLP method will help you rank which to pay off first. Note that this method does not take into account interest rates, and you have to know your minimum payments (or guesstimate) to be able to use it.

    • I am a banana.

      Try tuition.io

      It is sort of like Mint for student loans, and it has a really cool feature where it will line up all of your loans by interest rate, or by amount, and an interactive thing where you can see how much more quickly you can pay them off by paying x more a month.

      I’m not connected to them, I just really like the website.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I haven’t used this one, but I highly recommend this approach. I can cut 7 years off one of my loan payments by paying an extra $50/month. I searched for amortization calculators.

    • AnonBK

      Yes! There’s a great online one called unbury.me. So helpful, and you can adjust based on a) what maximum you’re able to pay per month b) your minimum payments

  13. Totally anon for this

    I just have to share in case anyone needs a laugh at my expense today. It’s extremely windy at my house today (the wind uprooted a tree overnight, it is that bad). So I went to Starbucks like I usually do in the morning, and as soon as I walked out of the door at Starbucks, my skirt, and slip were at my hips. Everyone inside got a very clear view of my tuchus. I could not stop laughing. At least my unmentionables were cute.

    • Also AFT

      Omg, horrific/hilarious!

      I had a near miss today. There was a leak in my house this week and the water remediation people have been checking the progress every day with a key I gave them, but said they would always come in the afternoons. This morning, I had just gotten out of the shower and was about to go downstairs, totally nak*d (I live alone, don’t judge), when I noticed my cat sit up and stare at the entrance to the stairway. I paused, then heard a rustling, and ran to put a robe on, just in time for one of the water guys to come up the stairs and scare the living daylights out of me. If I hadn’t noticed my cat acting strangely I would’ve run right into the guy completely in the n.u.d.e! I don’t think they will be coming back early in the morning again.

  14. Gem

    TJ – I’m looking for a new mascara I need waterproof (to stand up to swimming and crying) and available in the UK. Any recommendations?

  15. Melissa

    When I was in a summer job during college, I was unfortunately like your direct report. I didn’t realize I was doing that until my boss told me explictly what you said about it being “annoying, unprofessional, and unacceptable” — using very similar words, in fact — right when I did so. She was direct, and I did feel embarrassed briefly, but I learned to stop doing that and I am grateful that she told me rather than let me continue doing so and possibly damage my career.

    • Anon

      I believe Bastie makes one for black hair, I have used the blonde hair and my sister has used the brunette and it was excellent. My absolute favorite dry shampoo. Can buy at Ulta.

    • Anon

      I’ve been using Dove dry shampoo and it doesn’t make my black hair ashy or white. I’ve tried Sauve as well, but I prefer Dove b/c it works better for my hair.

    • anon32

      Don’t try Tresemme. I have fine, straight, black hair and Tresemme is both too heavy for fine hair and too chalky for black hair

  17. Ashley

    Threadjack – I know there have been other discussions on this, but I need recommendations for a comfortable, black wedge to work as a commuter shoe. A few years ago I got an Anne Klein wedge which I LOVED but they just wore out recently. I ordered the same pair but to my disappointment it was so different from the original pair I ordered so it’s not going to work for me. Thanks in advance!

      • Ashley

        Wow, these look great! So many colors. Do you find that they’re pretty comfortable? How far/long is your walking commute?

        • Anonymous

          I love the plumtree and find them very comfortable- but I do not commute in them. I wear them all day in the office with no problem but I commute only in flats.

        • Miss Behaved

          I don’t commute in mine either. I either wear clogs or flip flops (I have an hour on the T, plus an 8 block walk). But I keep a pair of the wedges under my desk and another pair at home. They’re really comfortable.

    • s in Chicago

      I love the Cole Haan lace Tali. Expensive but very worth it.They stretch to your feet. They are my go-to for conferences where I’ll be doing a ton of walking. (If you’re lucky, Nordstrom Rack sometimes carries similar styles for around $100.) As some get scuffed with time, they go from my “work wear” options to my weekend and then commute wear.

      For the record, they are the only CHs I like. The rest all feel way too narrow and any of their pumps or other heels make me miserable. (Only saying because I would have dismissed outright had they not been the first style I tried.)

      • Ashley

        s in Chicago, I will check those out! Also are we the same person? I also live in Chicago and some of your posts could be as though I had written them! I’ve tried on a few CH and agree they are NOT comfortable, which is weird b/c everyone always says how comfy they are. And I love Nordstrom Rack!

  18. kate

    Career Help:

    From a young age I was raised to believe that women should behave a certain way as to be refined: soft spoken, polite, helping, reserved. But these traits that are so ingrained in my are killing my career. I work in a male dominated field and acting like this has been holding me back. This behavior is now so natural to me, I don’t know how I will ever get over it. How do I learn to manage this? I have been told my personality is aggressive and I can definitely be vocal when I need to, but that is in private. At the work place my default is to hide these types of behaviors. Help. I am always worried I will tap into my “aggressive” personality at the wrong time and make myself look bad. I know women are judeged more harshly for mistakes like this.

    • Anonymous

      This is pretty much the reason Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office was written. If you haven’t read it yet, it’s a great starting point.

    • Gouda

      I think of my professional and social lives as entirely different beasts. Miss Manners is actually great for this. For example, she points out that in social life, women often go through doors first, while in professional life, it’s usually whoever is most senior. Women even wear different clothes for our different roles. That is, I wouldn’t wear a suit/ floral dress to a wedding/ convention.

      • Eleanor

        This is what I do. My personality – partly from upbringing and partly from nature, I believe – is also to be reserved, quiet, and helpful without drawing attention to myself or causing problems. This just doesn’t work as a lawyer, so I’ve been working on skills at work that are hard for me but necessary. I call the persona who exercises those skills “Lawyer Eleanor” (I am not making this up) and in my regular life I go back to being reserved and helpful, which I greatly prefer. I know this sounds silly, and I dislike that it feels necessary, but it’s really helped me.

        • anon o

          This makes me feel so much better! I feel like I have two different personalities, work me and life me. I was really feeling bad about it – particularly recently. I’m glad to hear others have this phenomenon as well!

  19. Mom, CEO

    I had a random thought the other day and thought it would be fun to discuss here.

    I think that motherhood has improved my management and leadership skills. I have honed an authoritative voice and grown comfortable making requests and delegating, for example. Obviously I wouldn’t recommend parenthood as a means of professional development, but I found it interesting and surprising that it did for me. We talk so much about having a career in spite of having children, but spend little time talking about how – if at all – experiences from parenting can be an asset.

    Anyone else?

    • Anonymous

      I once helped a female business student prepare a PPT in which she made this argument. She was comparing motherhood to operations management, and explaining how the experience was relevant to her career. The good news is I thought she made a great case. The bad news is she says most of her classmates thought it was silly.

      • Mom, CEO

        I’m guessing her classmates did not have children? Because pre-kid me would have given this idea a huge eye roll. Pre-kid me could not comprehend the logistics required to get multiple kids in bed in separate rooms at the same time.

        Operations management is interesting because it works both ways. I apply quite a bit of my management training at home – it works really well!

      • Also Don't Get It

        It seems silly because the people who are great parents because they have excellent EQ, organizational skills, and time management will likely be great managers because of those same traits.

        It seems silly to attribute those skills to motherhood (or being a CEO). Those jobs give one an opportunity to develop and demonstrate those skills, but having those jobs doesn’t mean the people HAVE the good skills. Just as there are tons of CEOs who are flippin’ idiots, there are probably parents out there who are totally incompetent and crap at parenting.

    • Anne Shirley

      Working as a camp counselor is where I found my authoritative, confident self. Also my love of pizza soup.

      • senora

        this. Working at camps during the summer proved to be invaluable for me when it came to finding my “authoritative, confident self”. I highly highly recommend spending a summer at camp before embarking on a professional career.

      • Hollis

        I need to know the recipe for pizza soup. I love pizza and I try and make soup at least once a week. Please share!

    • Seventh Sister

      I think it can be an asset. I feel like I’m more efficient with my time, I am better at delegating in a lot of situations since my time is more precious to me, and I have had to develop patience with my kids in a way that helps me be patient with other adults.

      One thing I find interesting is how I’ve gotten a LOT more emotionally detached about conflict. If I immerse myself in the deep emotional pull of every squabble between PreKGirl and ToddlerBoy, I’d never get out of the house. By the same token, I worry a lot less about whether I did something to upset Very Rude Coworker if s/he’s in a bad mood.

    • Anonymous

      Agreed! As a professor, I find that being a parent had made me both more nurturing and tougher. I treat my students the way I hope my children’s professors will treat them when the time comes, so I think I’ve become more empathetic and pro-active in reaching out to those who need help or seem troubled. And, at the same time, I’m not afraid to have my students get angry or dislike me when I’m making decisions that will ultimately benefit them, the same way I don’t care if my kids get mad when I won’t let them eat candy for breakfast. Some of my colleagues without children seem to struggle with setting boundaries–they want to be friends with their students or care too much about being ‘nice.’

      Thanks for reminding us that being a working parent isn’t just about the juggle; it brings its own set of strengths and rewards in the workplace.

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