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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 109 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Faux Pearl and Crystal Necklace

Coffee Break |

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Kate Spade Faux Pearl and Crystal NecklaceI'm a fan of the long necklace for simple tops — and this faux pearl and crystal necklace from Kate Spade New York is calling my name. It seems effortlessly chic, feminine and fun. It's $148 at CUSP. Kate Spade Faux Pearl and Crystal Necklace (L-2) Here's a more affordable option. P.S. Apologies to all for the super annoying video ads that I seem to be getting every time I refresh the page — we're working to get them done. For what it's worth, my longstanding policy is that I NEVER have video or audio ads on here by choice — I understand most people are reading from the office, and stupid video/audio ads are annoying even if you're not. I just started working with a new banner ad company and we're apparently having some difficulties. I've seen an ad for “I Can't Believe It's Not Butter,” and Kate has seen one for Verizon — are there other video ads you guys are seeing? Is it just the sidebar spot below the “Feedly” graphic, or other spots on the page? If you could let me see which other video ads you've seen recently, it would be hugely appreciated.  Thank you for your patience!

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Comments

  1. Super-anon wife

    Follow-up to my post on Friday:

    H and I had a second joint session with the therapist last night. (He had one solo visit but I’m seeing her solo next week; it’s part of the program and not a conflict.) He is very deeply hurt and angry, which I understand, and for him the affair is a complete deal-breaker. He is a very black-and-white person and he believes the entire relationship has been a sham for the last 11 years. So it doesn’t really matter if I abandon my career, as he had seemed to be asking last week; he feels he can never have any trust in me, no matter what. In fact, he is convinced the affair didn’t end when I said it did and that there have been others since then. He went so far as to suggest that perhaps I have been “compulsively” sleeping with other men over the years, and if that’s true and I have an “illness” at least he could understand it. H said in the therapist’s office he doesn’t see any chance of us staying together; at home later he actually screamed that he doesn’t want to be married to me any more after this.

    So, I’m moving out over the next few days and into a furnished, glorified studio a few blocks from our house (an “executive” short-term apartment at the back of the house of an acquaintance that is apparently the go-to place for people in my neighborhood going through marital crises). But long-term, we’re almost certainly divorce-bound. A lot of the comments here about the obvious problems in our marriage, and my apparent lack of whole-hearted commitment to it, were right on, but I never would have wanted the end to come with this level of acrimony, bitterness and pain.

    Thank you again for all the advice, insight, commiseration and truth-telling in response to my earlier post.

    • Anonymous

      Honestly, this is going to sound flip, but he sounds a little unhinged to me. The fact that he is making all of these wild accusations and refusing to even consider forgiving you makes me question his mental health. I’m not saying that he shouldn’t be hurt by your actions, but his response, especially since this was a very long time ago is not rational. I know you are sad by the end of the marriage, but it seems like its for the best.

      • Anonymous

        I think that may be a bit off base. Hes upset – it doesnt matter if it happened years ago – he just found out and is dealing with that news plus feelings of uncertainty and insecurity about the years since then. I think the only thing to do at this point is ride it out- his reaction doesnt make him mentally unstable. Its an unfortunate situation, but I cant help but feel that your reaction may be different if it was the poster who found out her husband cheated.

        OP – I’m sorry you’re going through this situation – I hope things get better for you.

        • Em

          I see what you’re saying, but he had to install tracking software that dug up deleted emails (from 11 years ago?) to find this out, which seems like a huge warning sign to me.

          • irene

            The tracking software is definately over the line, but that’s not how he discovered the affair, the OP confessed to him that she did have an affair. He thought she was currently having one, and she confessed to one 11 years ago. Which in his mind, probably is the reassurance that he was looking for and now he imagines it is continuous.

            I think either way- whether the OP’s husband has a bit of an anger problem or is a total normal guy, its probably the right thing to go seperate ways. it sounds like there were other issues besides the cheating. its good you have a place lined up already, try to find at least some enjoyment in the “me” time and think about whats best for you going forward.

      • Anonymous

        I completely disagree that its somehow not normal to be repulsed by your spouse cheating on you. The opinion that he shouldn’t be so upset because it was a very long time ago honestly strikes me as whats unhinged. He has no way of actually knowing it was a long time ago. So I completely get his feelings BUT it doesn’t change the fact that obviously, you can not continue to be married to him. For marriages to work after an affair there has to be a partner willing to see the shades of grey.

        Sorry you are going through this, and I hope it ends up being easier for both of you than it seems right now.

      • Anonymous

        It does sound a little flip… Nothing in that makes him sound unhinged, and the idea that he shouldnt be repulsed and hurt because it was a long time is what strikes me as unreasonable. I would absolutely be disgusted and wondering if my H had some sort of mental health problem if he had an affair and then didn’t tell me about, and I would certainly be questioning the time we spent together after that. (And thats even though I think rationally that telling about an affair is not always the right thing to do. However if it happened to me, I would certaintly be questioning that time where there was the affair between us and I ddidnt know about it) He has no reason to think it was just the one time thing 11 years ago- up until recently he thought it had never happened. However, none of that changes the fact that the OP cant stay married to him. For a marriage to work after an affair the partner has to be willing to forgive and see that grey area and it doesn’t seem like the case here.

        OP, I hope this ends up being easier for both of you than it seems right now. I think right now will be the toughest it will be since it is all very raw.

        • cc

          hmm I am having a terrible time posting- the two comments above are mine, the first one said it didnt go thru and I didn’t get any stuck in moderation message. Sorry about the double post

    • Anon for this one

      So sorry to hear this. I hope you know that everyone makes mistakes and that what you did is forgivable, even if your husband can’t forgive you. Marriage requires quite a bit of forgiveness and I am sorry that your husband can’t get past this. Sounds like you will be much better off on your own eventually.

      • Anonymous

        This. Ignore people who use words like “repulsed.” You are a human. We are all humans. If we are lucky, our lives will be long. During those long lives, we will make mistakes and do things that are less than perfect. Those who cannot understand that and forgive are usually the ones who are most bitter and unhappy.

          • anonymous

            I agree with this, but I don’t think that her husband is deficient here for not being able to forgive and move past his wife’s affair. We should all be understanding of super anon wife for the reasons you mentioned, but it’s in no way required for her husband, who has been directly hurt by it, to do so.

            best wishes to you, super anon wife. It sounds like your marriage wasn’t great in general, and I hope you find much greater happiness in the future.

          • cbackson

            I agreed with anonymous (and I don’t think super anon wife has really asked us to judge her husband’s conduct, to be honest – she seems more understanding of the emotional place that he is coming from than do many commenters).

      • Anonymous

        Riiiihgt.

        You will clearly listen most attentively to what feels best to you, but, yes, I think you did a terrible, awful thing and do no t sound nearly aware of that. I hope your husband finds someone loving and kind. You will … get what you send out into the world. You’ll see.

    • cbackson

      I’m so sorry to hear this. I haven’t been through your exact situation, but I have been through a divorce and so I’ll share what the ladies here told me: you’ll feel better sooner than you think. I’ll be thinking of you.

      • Senior Attorney

        I’m so sorry, Super-Anon Wife. Divorce just sucks and it will be pretty awful for a while. I might disagree with cbackson about “sooner than you think.” My experience was that it sucked for much longer than seemed reasonable, but I did start to feel better eventually and now I keep pinching myself because life is so much better than it was before.

        And also? Don’t let guilt drive you into an unfavorable divorce settlement. Lawyer up and protect yourself.

        • Super-anon wife

          Good advice, thanks. I know you’ve been there (at least as to a divorce in middle age) and I appreciate this.

        • NOLA

          Yeah, it definitely takes time. Now I look back and wonder how I was surviving in that marriage. He blamed me for the whole thing – go to therapy on your own so you can get your head on straight about you and so you can move forward.

        • cbackson

          Maybe I expected that it would suck for an eternity, and so I was just pleasantly surprised :-) Either way, super anon wife, I’ll be hoping for healing and better days for you.

      • No she will NOT feel better

        I’ve been divorced since 2007 and my divorce still crushes me on a daily basis. YMMV but I do NOT feel better, especially as I realize that decent men are not interested in me. In retrospect I will I had fought to keep my (abusive) marriage alive.

        • cbackson

          I’m so sorry you feel that way. I didn’t initiate my divorce, but I’m so much happier that I don’t even feel like I’m the same person I once was. I don’t know you at all, but it really saddens me that you feel like your life is so bad now that you would have been better off in an abusive marriage. We’re internet strangers, but please know that I believe in a better future for you – where you don’t wish you were back in an abusive marriage; where you believe in your own value, and in the healing, and happiness, that you are meant to have.

          For what it’s worth, though, gently, I’m not sure that it’s kind or helpful to tell someone else who is in this situation that she won’t feel better.

        • Senior Attorney

          I’m so sorry, too. If you haven’t been to therapy, I can’t recommend it strongly enough. And if you have tried it, give it another try. It’s been a real life-saver for me. I am absolutely convinced that life on one’s own is (or can be if you work at it) far, far better than life in an abusive relationship. Keep on fighting the good fight.

    • Latina

      I haven’t been on here in over a year and just happened to be stumbling through my favorites. Your post caught my attention. It is okay to be selfish right now. Deal with your own pain, not just his. You’ll look back one day and realize you had to go through this to get to your future happy self .. trust me, I have been there..

      PS – start protecting your assets asap. He is obviously in a very emotional state and will do anything to hurt you the way he is hurting.

  2. LilyStudent

    I can’t remember off the top of my head, but I seem to be getting German-language video adverts, which would imply that they’re at least partly targeted ads. I don’t now if that helps?

    • Kat G

      They’re all targeted ads, that’s the problem — I see something different than what you see. To further complicate matters, there are multiple ad companies streaming through the spots on the page — and if it’s your 10th time visiting the blog today, odds are good you’ll be seeing a different company’s ads than if it’s your first time visiting the blog. If you can send me a URL or a screenshot I’d hugely appreciate it.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I sent a tech form about this last week but I’ve been getting redirected to the App Store on my iPhone. It’s for games by a company called Glo Mobile.

        • Sydney Bristow

          It actually just happened multiple times again while I was trying to write this comment. Right now it is taking me to a game called Dragon City Mobile. It happens really quickly but the URL changes from here to something that looked like “tracking.crodobo” (or something similar, I couldn’t catch it in time) or tracking.blindferretmedia. I had to get onto IE on my work computer in order to even be able to post this.

      • Leigh

        I keep being redirected to a “Java Oracle” or Adobe update site. I closed out before getting a screen shot, but I’ll try to do it again. This is the only site it happens on, and it’s been happening for about a month and a half intermittently.

  3. Anon

    Looking for some advice and I’m sure someone here has had a similar experience. My husband and I are in exactly the same field (like same area of the same niche of the same profession). He recently got a new job and it’s a really good job. Right in his wheelhouse, good pay, sets him up nicely for what he’d like to do down the road, etc. While he was job-hunting, he also started talking with someone about a similar job at a similar — BUT more prestigious — employer (call them employer A and employer B). That employer (B) wasn’t quite ready to hire, though, and employer A made him an offer in the meantime, which he accepted. I was laid off several months ago and have been job-hunting myself. Because I’m also a good fit for this position, once he had his new job, my husband called his contact at employer B and said “hey, if you’re still looking, I have someone for you — my wife would also be a great fit.” Well, they’re now ready to hire and I had a great interview last week and have been invited back to meet more of the team later this week.

    So far so good, right? But as I said, B is more prestigious than A (and perhaps a better fit for my husband than A). My husband really wants me to get the job at B. It would be a fantastic job. Great work, great people, amazing prospects down the road (it’s a great place to be in itself, but it’s also one of those killer pipelines in our field — if you spend a few years in this position with this employer, really great opportunities are pretty much guaranteed down the road). It would be good for me and good for our family, and ultimately it would be good for him to have someone on the inside at B, both in case another job at B opens up in a couple of years, and because I might hear about other opportunities and pass his name along. So it would be good. But my husband is understandably feeling a little jealous. He wishes he had gotten the job at B and that they had made him an offer before A did. It’s true that he did all the legwork in getting contacts at B and working those contacts so that he heard about this job when they were starting to think about hiring someone. The timing just didn’t work. And he’s really glad the timing might work out for me to get the job. But it’s also kind of hard for him. Which I completely understand.

    My question is is there anything I can do here, if I get the job? My marriage is 1,000 times more important to me than any job or than my career. I hate that I could get this job and it would be great, great, great for me, but would also be a source of not pain but a little stinging for my husband. He’s a big boy and can take it, but I still wish it were different. Has anyone else been in this situation? Any suggestions for how we can make this as painless as possible?

    • JJ

      If Job B is ultimately better for you and better for your family as a whole, then it’s a no-brainer to take it. I think the best thing you can do is tell your husband that you understand he may be feeling jealous (or simply that it’s a little unfair or something similar) that you got the job at Employer B. Tell him you understand, that you won’t hold those feelings against him – because they’re normal, human emotions. And then just let him get over it. It will probably take time, but having an honest conversation about how he’s feeling will at least help him not feel guilty about feeling jealous.

    • AnonLawMom

      Ugh. This is tough. I think a lot of us will have the initial impulse to say that he will be fine, what’s good for you is good for him, etc., but that’s probably simplifying the issue a bit too much. I don’t think you turn down the job just to save his ego by any means but I would address this with him head on. After one real conversation about an important issue, I tend to use humor in these situations to diffuse any lingering resentment. So if it were me, I’d probably make jokes at least for a while about the “job you got me” or whatever just to show him that you totally acknowledge how much he helped you out but without making it into a full on serious conversation every time. But that’s my personal style and may not work for you. Congratulations on the potential new job. Also, getting this job in this circumstance is probably far better for your marriage than remaining unemployed!

    • Anonymous

      Sometimes life sucks a little. Sounds like he’s dealing with it just fine. You can’t fix this and I really think it’s wrong to even try. He gets to be a little hurt because it sucks a little. You don’t get to make it into some big thing to deal with your guilt.

      There is no problem to solve.

    • Wildkitten

      Have you guys been a situation like this before? If you’re in comparable jobs in comparable fields, how has he dealt with it before?

      My BF and I have professional jealousy regularly and we just need a minute/day/week to get over being jealous and go back to being proud and happy for each other.

      Clementine explains it better below –

      • Anon

        Not quite. We were always in the same profession, but not always in the same niche. So this is the first time this has really come up. He’s also feeling a little overwhelmed in his new job (mostly because of bad former job PTSD — where you assume your new boss/job will jump out and do bad things because your old boss/job did) and so he’s struggling to feel confident in this job since he just got out of a terrible old job, and then here I am possibly walking away with the somewhat better job. It doesn’t help that its added prestige means that I may come to be well-known in our area (I was asked if I’d be okay with doing speaking engagements and television). He would have some similar opportunities, but that’s just part of the difference between the employers. People from B have an easy time getting published, are sought out for events where they’re in the spotlight, etc. While people from A *can* attain that but don’t have quite the same push behind them. (We’re not professors, but the situation is similar to one in which husband gets a position as a professor at, say, Boston College or Tufts while wife gets a position at Harvard.) The visibility factor makes it a bit harder, too.

    • Hollis

      I’m sure you already know that prestige isn’t everything – once you are there, it won’t be all dreamy and such, so maybe the reality will set-in and he will realize that A is perfect for him and B is perfect for you. You can both have jobs at B and be miserable if you are working with a bad boss or working on projects that aren’t working out, etc. It’s like people who hear about a position and think it’s their “dream job” but the people who are already there are looking to leave. So, not to be a downer, but just letting you know that I hope you do get the job for your sake, and because being unemployed s-cks (I’ve been there), and I’m sure your DH will see the ups and downs that come from any job and it will temper his feelings somewhat. Good luck!

    • Brunchaholic

      The fact that he reached out to his contact at job B and put in a good word for you points to the fact that he, too, is someone who values his relationship 1,000 times more than his career and job. Even if he’s initially a little bit jealous/resentful, I think all signs point to him being the type of person that will get over it and support you. (I think more than a few men would NOT have reached out on their SO’s behalf for a job they had wanted, as sad as that is.)

  4. Clementine

    Thank him. Tell him how lucky you realize you are that you have such a wonderfully supportive spouse. And then tell him (genuinely) what you just told us: ‘(My) Our marriage is 1,000 times more important to me than any job.’

    To me, it sounds like he’s got that visceral, initial reaction that he hasn’t been able to hide from you; but that overall he’s a wonderfully supportive partner who really believes in you. I think the second part will come through in time.

  5. Salary

    Just looking for reassurance – I received a job offer today and asked for more salary than the 10% bump they offered me. I’m relatively low in my pay grade and this position offers a lot more risk. Now that I’ve done it, though, I’m nervous that they’ll pull the offer or worse, that I’ve tanked important relationships even before I start. Reassure me?

    • NYNY

      You just did what they would expect of any good candidate. If it tanks the offer, you didn’t want to work there in the first place! (But it won’t, seriously.)

    • anonymous

      I’m in a similar situation. I feel INCREDIBLE that I decided to negotiate further. I’m still waiting to hear back, but anyone I’ve ever talked to says that I’m just being a good prospective employee and doing my due diligence. You’ll be totally fine. Maybe you’ll get it, maybe you won’t, but really the worst that can happen here is that you don’t get the salary bump.

    • Hollis

      Good for you to ask for more pay! I hope it works out. Just think through the scenarios if they don’t give you what you are asking for – are you going to walk, or are you willing to accept it? I for one would be happy to take a 10% bump any day, so I think you’re in a great position.

    • Salary

      Closing the loop on this – they did come back and offer more, which I accepted!

  6. Anon Lawyer

    I don’t know how consultants do it. I’ve been flying out on business trips pretty steadily for the last 7 months (at least once a every two weeks but lately it’s been at least once a week). They’re usually just day trips or overnights but I find them so exhausting. Any advice on how to keep going? I’m getting sick of spending so much time in the same two airports!

    • Wildkitten

      Road Warior3tt3 has tips. I like not putting on makeup until I land if I’m flying early in the morning. YMMV but I like a benadryl to fall asleep faster at a weird hotel. Noise cancelling headphones. Neck pillow. A separate make-up/toiletry back if you travel once a week so you don’t have to unpack your stuff. Packing cubes. TSA Pre-check.

      Is there a way you can get work done or relax at the airports? Bring a book? Watch a downloaded tv show?

      • lawsuited

        +1 for a duplicate set of (travel sized) toiletries that can live in your travel bag so you don’t gave to pack/unpack and don’t forget things.

    • Anon

      My tips:
      -Stay at the same hotel chain. Points aside, it’ll start to feel homey. One of my coworkers bought a Marriott mattress because it felt weird to sleep on his own… though perhaps that is just pathetic.
      -Pack light. It was so much easier after I let go of needing thing on short trips. I take a rolling laptop bag that also has a section that holds clothing. It fits my laptop, hotspot, chargers, notebook, bare minimum clothing (including a workout outfit if I’m not wearing it. I don’t bother with casual clothing), a pair of shoes (I always bring sneakers and work shoes, I wear the other. ), one of those days of the week pill cases designed for old people, and a comb. In my purse I have my kindle and a baggie that contains gootubes of face wash and my face moisturizer, toothbrush/paste, and bare minimum makeup. If I really need more clothes, I use a travel compression bag to fit everything.
      -Do normalish things. I try to eat somewhere familiar like Whole Foods and I’ll drop into a yoga or barre class in the area, if I have free time at night. I used to have a membership at a studio in a city I traveled to frequently. If you’re traveling with a group, you don’t have to hang out with them every night.

      Lots of short trips can be exhausting because you don’t get to settle in anywhere. But you also learn not to stress about things – people get so keyed up at the airport and over the boarding process, but it’s a lot of wasted anxiety. You know you’re getting on the plane, it doesn’t matter if you get on first or last. Or if you end up trying to get on an earlier standby flight and you’re waiting at the airport, I just do things I’d do at home anyway, like read or waste time online. Or work, of course.

      • Meara

        Yeah, I travel weekly (hello from the Vegas airport) and some of it just getting it into your routine. When you’ve got the pre-packed toiletry bag and know exactly what needs to go in the suitcase/work bag, you’ve got status or better yet pre-check, etc. I am a big bookworm, so I read a lot on planes. Sometimes that means working more when I get someplace, but… Have a nice dinner. Or if it’s more your style, stay at a hotel that has a fridge and hit up the grocery store.

        • Fishie

          +1 to a toiletry bag that stays packed. Those are often the little things that we forget, need the most, and are picky about. It’s unlikely you’re going to forget to pack your clothes.

          Try to plan out meals so you’re not tempted by airport crap fast food – that will def. make you feel more tired.

          +1 also to being as normal as possible…just another day at the office/airport makes it all less exhausting.

          Also a charger bag – Aux cable for rental car to plug in your phone for music/satellite radio/GPS; charger for ipod, phone, headphones, USB cables etc.

          And + a bazillion million to TSA precheck.

    • West Coast

      I travel every week for work. How I tend to manage it:

      – Separate toiletry bag, hair brush, phone charger that never comes out of the suitcase; keeps it less stressful because I don’t worry about forgetting any of that.
      – Don’t get to the airport too early; if you do, opt for the lounge, if possible.
      – Keep it simple and take a cab or car service to the airport.
      – Window seat, I like to be able to look out of the window otherwise I feel claustrophobic.
      – Watch a movie on the plane to zone out if there is nothing on a deadline.
      – Drink tons of water, and then drink some more; dehydration on flights is worse than you think.
      – Take an Emergen-C every flight; it makes you drink more water and gives you an immunity boost around all the people.

      I also think having a routine that you like helps. Like, I enjoy ginger ale on the plane (and Delta’s Biscoff cookies), so I look forward to that on the flight. I enjoy grabbing a cheese and fruit bowl from a coffee shop before I get on the plane for dinner on the way home, so I do that. Having a shot with my team in the lounge at the end of week, I look forward to that. Grabbing a massage if I get to the airport early for a red-eye, another thing I can look forward to.

      • West Coast

        For what it’s worth, I’m still exhausted at the end of the week and am generally in bed by 10pm or earlier on Fridays. So, I guess while my tips make me not mind / enjoy the travel, I’m still petty tired. But, I tend to be tired by Friday even if I’m not evening that week.

    • LilyStudent

      Kindle! It can contain comfort reading (which you can just read until you fall asleep because you know how it ends anyway, so no pressure), something to take your mind off delays, etc, etc.

      I also like ThisWorks Calm Balm (I think that’s what it’s called) for delays, turbulence, etc.

      Always a similar seat on the plane. I always book an aisle seat, because that’s what I’ve always done. (Started flying alone at 14 and my mum was worried I’d get penned in by creepy old men I think….).

      I agree with always staying at the same chain – when I spent the summer travelling up and down the UK for my internship, the company always placed me in the same complex for overnights in London and I could now do the walk between it and King’s Cross in my sleep. I now know all the closest Starbucks/ convenience stores/ bus-stops/ etc.

    • Houda

      I used to fly frequently to a neighbouring country because it was still considered “local trip”. This means I had to go through passport check and all that jazz for a tiny 1h25 minutes flight.
      The only way to keep my sanity was to develop travel rituals and mechanisms.
      Same hotels so you know exactly what to expect in terms of timing, amenities, etc. The staff eventually know your name, room preferences etc.
      Pre-packed 3-1-1 bag and travel uniform: I grab and go no matter the trip, be it a 1 day trip or a 10 day trip, I already know I have everything I need in my toiletries and makeup bag.
      One little indulgence makes the trip less daunting, be it a moisture mask or bath salts or a small bar of premium chocolate.

      • Katie

        I concur on staying with the same hotel chain whenever possible. Loyalty points mean earning free nights and upgrades. Some chains give you free bottled water, and some even have a free small bag of snacks upon check in, depending on your points status. Knowing what to expect as far as general room set up, beds, and hotel amenities can be a big help.

        A Kindle is awesome for the plane, and I know I’m budgeting for a pair of noise-cancelling headphones myself. I borrowed my bf’s once, and the difference they make as far as feeling refreshed and being able to sleep on a plane is amazing.

        If your room has a mini-fridge, a quick stop at a grocery store for snacks, juice, yogurt, fruit, etc will keep you eating healthier than snacks on the go. If there’s a microwave in your room, buying an Amy’s frozen meal for dinner is less expensive than a restaurant meal (allowing you to keep more of your per diem in your own pocket, if applicable) and means you don’t have to spend an hour sitting in a restaurant, when you could be relaxing in your room.

  7. Lame Duck Professional

    Long-time poster here going anon. I could use advice, encouragement, suggestions, anything. I feel SO trapped in a miserable going-nowhere job in a dysfunctional work environment. Last year I finished a graduate degree. My current organization is, at least in name, good for my degree field but my functional role at the organization is FAR from what I want to be doing and there’s no room for growth. I’ve been seriously looking since June, 5 interviews, no offers. If I were to change jobs it would likely be a pay cut, which I’d happily take to get out, but even on my salary I’m not doing great in my high COL city, so I don’t even have that to feel good about. I feel a) completely discouraged regarding my lack of progress and b) increasingly miserable in the office all day (like, stepping outside to cry alone in my car every day). I do have colleagues lateral to me who have been so supportive (we’re all looking to get out ASAP, they’re having similar troubles). But, I’m still stuck here and starting to wonder not when but if this is going to work out. Has anyone been in this place before, and what changed? How did you get through something like this? Are there any productive strategies I could be using that I’m not? TIA.

    • Anon

      Was in exactly the same spot about a year ago– and can now report that I am happily in a new position that I love. Don’t give up hope!! A few suggestions that were the magic bullets for me:

      1) Whenever I hear multiple interviews but no offers, I wonder what’s happening in the interviews. Have you thought about doing a mock interview with a trusted friend to get some feedback? Maybe your frustration with your current situation is coming through.

      2) You mentioned a high COL city– would a move to another location be possible? I began my search in a geographic market that was insanely tight, and got really discouraged by the lack of available jobs, but as soon as I expanded to other locales, I found more opportunities than I could handle (at higher salaries!). I’d consider looking in other markets, if your personal life allows.

      3) Find one thing in your life that makes you really happy right now– for me it was reading mystery novels and a few certain guilty Netflix pleasures– and make time for it every.single.day. This too shall pass, but it’s important to somehow find some joy somewhere in your life as it currently exists. And don’t blame yourself for this situation! Easy to do in a dysfunctional environment, but ultimately not accurate or helpful.

      • Alana

        3.1) Find music that is motivational to you to get or stay pumped. I had a few songs that are about being underrated that really helped while being underemployed.

        Also, sometimes when walking down the street, I imagined cutting a hole in the sky with an exacto knife, as if it was a fake tv set, and walking into a better reality.

      • Hollis

        This is great advice! I would only add that in this job market, multiple interview and no offer is de rigeur. We interviewed 15 people for the last opening in our group, because we received so many resumes and we wanted to meet everyone.

        My best advice is that you want to reach far and wide to everyone you know and meet up with everyone for coffee or lunch and sincerely express interest in their organization. You want people positioned all over the place who will let you know when there’s an open position that may not be posted publicly. Keep at it and something will happen for you.

        Also, your job is not your life. Think about all of the good things that you have in life outside of your job and see if you can find success in other ways (being a good friend, helping out family, volunteering, etc.). Good luck!!!

        • Wildkitten

          Yes – Multiple interviews and no job isn’t a red flag to me at all. It’s means you’re doing a great job and your time will come.

          And yes – I had a career counselor say to me that we don’t have to find 10/10 of our needs at work. If your job pays your bills, but you need to volunteer or learn a foreign language in your free time to feel whole, that’s okay. That’s how most people’s lives are.

    • Anon

      I’m in a similar situation now, but have been in worse situations where I was crying a good part of the day. Therapy helped me a lot. When I was like that just scheduling therapy made me feel better – like someone was going to care for me, even for an hour, even if I was paying them to do it. Take care of yourself, treat yourself nicely – get a massage, buy a trinket that will make you smile, do something on weekends that relaxes you and makes you happy.

    • OP

      Thank you all so much for your replies. It is so nice to know other people have been in this place and ultimately succeeded. I’ll be taking your advice!

  8. Anon

    On the subject of Lean In. I realize this book can be polarizing (I loved it, but can see how it may not jive with others’ perspectives/experience/situations), and I don’t want to come across as advocating for one approach over another, but I’m curious if anyone wanted to share any success stories from times where they “leaned in.” This book really resonated with me, and I realized, while reading it, that the direction my career had taken shortly prior to my reading it was an example of leaning in and stepping outside of my comfort zone in the interest of advancing my career. Long story short, I made an appointment with the head of a particular practice group I was interested in, talked to him about my interest and goals, and we talked about how I could get there. It led to the firm sending me to a specialized conference, directing more of this particular work to me, and it led to this partner becoming a mentor. I’m typically the kind of person who works hard but keeps to herself and doesn’t speak up or talk about career goals, and I’m still not even sure what made me do it (I had to really get my nerve up), but I’m glad I did. Does anyone have similar stories?

      • Anon

        Thank you! I’ve never considered myself to be a “RAWR” kind of girl, but it’s funny how a positive experience like this has kind of made me one (or, I’m working on it, let’s just say that!). :)

    • Liz

      I actually got a specific position I was interested in because of Lean In. I tend to doubt myself – “oh, you’re not as technical/smart/experienced as those people [usually men], this role is a stretch” – but when I read that those thoughts are really common, I sucked it up and just asked for the job, and the feedback I got was to the effect of, “yeah, we were wondering when you’d ask!” It was awesome but also a very Lean In reminder that I need to err on the side of going out on a limb, being self promotional, and taking on things I don’t feel ready for right away. Glad it worked out for you! Congratulations and spread the gospel to other ladies!

      • Anon

        That’s really awesome – congrats, and way to step out of your comfort zone! I feel like there’s been somewhat of a domino effect for me, for lack of a better phrase – the positive experience has made me more willing to go out on a limb and be bolder. It’s been empowering to take ownership of my career, and I find that I’m enjoying my job so much more now.

    • Wildkitten

      I negotiated my current salary and am very proud of myself for that. It helps with imposter syndrome too – if I can do that, I can do anything!

      • Katie

        I ask my supervisors for more opportunities. Often I get them, sometimes I don’t or at least I have to ask a few times. But I’m making progress and getting more opportunities than I used to!

        • Anon

          Great work! I love to see the strategy in action. My experience has been encouraging, but seeing others’ stories is even more so.

      • Anon

        Awesome. I definitely get the “if I can do that, I can do anything” part. Taking the first big step has made the next steps easier. Not that it’s all a piece of cake now, but seeing the reward has helped me going forward. And, yes, the book definitely helps with imposter syndrome, which is a huge problem for me. I tend to describe myself as “lucky” a lot.

  9. annoyed, but accomplished

    Im going to a business casual seminar this weekend. My work wardrobe is professional, and my not work wardrobe is pretty casual. Anywhere I can try to find middle ground? I am thinking that highheeled boots and skirts/dresses are the way to go, but I am not sure if that’s too casual or appropriately business casual.

    Suggestion?

    • anonymous

      no suggestions, but what happened with your unacknowledged accomplishment? did you win that battle?

      • annoyed, but accomplished

        The person didn’t apologize, but sent out a correction. Several folks approached me and showed concern after the fact. I’ve moved on :)

        • anonymous

          yay! congratulations, both on the accomplishment itself as well as taking on the not being acknowledged problem :)

    • LilyStudent

      That sounds right – casual fabrics but work hemlines. Like a casual Friday in my office.

    • Zelda

      It really depends on the skirt/dress. Are these dresses that you would normally wear to work or from your pretty casual wardrobe? Just because a skirt hits the knee doesn’t mean that it’s business attire! I would try to break up your suits as separates, such as pants with a dressier blouse or sweater, skirt/blouse/cardigan, dress/blazer, etc. Business casual can vary widely, but more often than not means business fabrics in a more casual outfit.

      • annoyed, but accomplished

        there are only summer dresses in my pretty casual wardrobe, so it would be generally stuff that I wear to the office or feel comfortable wearing to the office.

        I was really hoping that someone would say that business casual on the weekend really means jeans or leggings. haha, I guess.

        I am dead set against wearing a suit or suit pieces. I am stuck in that stuff during the week– all week. It will really send me over the edge for an entire weekend. Honestly. Especially if I am the overdressed one of the bunch.

        • Senior Attorney

          I think business casual on the weekend could include jeans if they are “nice” jeans and you team them with, say, those high-heeled boots and a nice blouse and blazer or sweater. I’m in law and would definitely wear dressed-up-not-down jeans to a weekend seminar.

          • Wildkitten

            “Nice” darn, new jeans are good. Also you can always pick up a few “the skirts” to have on hand. Halogen seamed pencil skirt.

  10. Anonymous

    Thinking I might hook up with a coworker post tax season (we’re CPAs)- thoughts? We don’t work directly together, it’s a big office, prob only run into each other once a month.

    • irene

      See how tax season goes first? Also if there is a reason you are waiting until after the season (like if its not allowed) no one is going to buy that it just started.

    • Anonymous

      This sounds like it will be a great post in a few months when it all goes sour. Like the relationship posts on here aren’t ridiculous enough.

      • Anon

        I think this is really mean. Without commenting on the original OP’s post, calling the relationship posts on here ridiculous is cruel and unnecessary. Some people have difficulties in their relationships and need constructive advice. They should be allowed to post here without judgment, just like all the other commenters do with babies or job or marriage or fashion problems.

        • lawsuited

          I think Anonymous @4:48 might have been referencing the recent Anon – Personal story about an affair with a co-worker gone wrong that many thought was a troll, rather than all the posts ever posted on the site about relationships.

    • roses

      People meet at work all the time. If you don’t work directly together and wouldn’t run into each other super often if things went south, why not? (To the posters above – presumably she’s waiting till after tax season because tax season is super stressful and not the time to start a relationship.)

    • pickle

      Why wait? The “right time” to start a relationship may never come! Better to take the plunge amid the stress than to wait until you’re more available. Tax season is every year, and it’s a long time not to date.

    • January

      That’s an ambiguous question- do you want a more romantic relationship or a no-strings-attached one? In either case, do you believe it will be worth the (potential) trouble?

      • Hollis

        +1000. Call me old-fashioned, or just plain OLD (which I am), but what do you have in mind? And are you both of the same mind-set?

    • Wildkitten

      One of my secrets of adulthood is to know what you want going into a relationship and be vocal and demanding about it. I think that is even more important in workplace romances than otherwise. This isn’t a judgement on what you want – anything you want is valid.

      (A long time ago someone asked what my other secrets of adulthood are. I don’t have them all figured out yet.)

      • Wildkitten

        And you don’t have to know going into it what you want. But in this case it sounds like you have an idea.

  11. Vanilla Fudge

    I am going to Asia for a 2 week training where I am expected to work after hours but my boss and other senior colleagues keep referring to it as a ‘holiday’. This is starting to get annoying. Any thoughts on the best way of putting a stop to this?

    • Houda

      Drop hints every now and then about needing more flexible deadlines sine you’d be in training all day and barely have time to sleep as you’d be also working.
      The mistake would be to try and do it all. I remember I once traveled to the US for a training and worked every night very late while we had full days. I ended up with a scary health incident and had to go to hospital. But as soon as I got back to my home country, I resumed work even if doctor said 10 days rest.
      This was the old me.
      Now, if anyone suggests I’m taking the day off because I leave at 5 or that I’m having a vacation because I’m traveling, I just shut it down immediately.

    • Wildkitten

      Are you all from the same place? This seems like a dialect difference where they might just be having fun saying “working from a different location.” If you are traveling somewhere worse than your usual location they might be facetious. Either way – call them out and get over it, or just get over it.

      In the U.S. “summering” is a way the upper crust refer to vacationing for the whole season at an alternate residence. I could totally see myself facetiously calling it summering if my colleagues were all traveling for a grueling trial in the summer months.

  12. Cold Weather Work Travel

    Help! I have to travel to Chicago for work next week, and I need clothing advice. I come from a much warmer climate, so I’m not the best cold-weather dresser, especially when it comes to work wear. Shoes are my most pressing concern. (I have a good coat.) I won’t need to walk a ton, but I’m meeting with lots of different people, ranging from the super-important client to also-important-but-less-need-to-impress-people (many of whom will be in business casual or khakis/polos). And I need to jump into meetings basically straight off the plane.

    So, my plan is business casual: pants or skirts with tights and cozy, fitted sweaters layered with button-ups. For shoes, I’m thinking one pair of ankle boots that will look good with skirts or pants and be comfortable enough to wear on the plane. Need something with less than a 3″ heel.

    Any advice on the perfect shoe? The Vice Camuto boot people have been touting here lately is cute, but a thin heel like that seems impractical for icy sidewalks. Or no?

    Other clothing things I should be thinking? Thanks!

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