Coffee Break: Glitter Pocket Tech Accessory

143 Comments

1. I just got diagnosed with endometriosis. And little bit of adenomyosis. The treatment for endo is laparoscopic surgery. And for the other? Hysterectomy. Thankfully, the adenomyosis isn’t so bad. But the endo is completely masking my right ovaries and fallopian tube and half of my left ovaries. Doc says that I probably can’t conceive until I have surgery. And I’m nowhere near baby-making at 31 but I don’t want to rule it out.

   I’m going to see a specialist but I don’t know what to do. Do I freeze eggs? Consider fake menopause via lupron? Take bcp? Has anyone ever gone through this?

   1. Aw, that sucks, I’m sorry! Not me but I know people with endo, and they say to see a NaPro doctor. The NaPro protocol for endometriosis is more thorough than what’s typically done (why everyone else hasn’t caught on is beyond me), and they can also recommend lots of options to help you conceive/get your ducks in a row to conceive later.

      1. And I would recommend getting a second opinion, but from a doctor who believes in the full range of treatments and doesn’t limit your options because of their religious beliefs.

         But generally all of your (really good!) questions are best addressed to your doctor who knows what is going on with your body, not the Internet.

         1. Oh I am absolutely going to get a second (and maybe third) opinion from a doctor at a university-hospital. I appreciate medical professionals that are up-to-date on research. I’m just curious about the experience of others.

   2. I’ve been diagnosed with endometriosis since I was 16. BCP has been a god send for symptom management (continual pills, no period). I now have a Merina because some studies are showing it’s a promising treatment for endo & my symptoms were getting worse, but not bad enough for the surgery just yet, FWIW I’m 26. I’ve had my Mirena for just under a year and and have stopped having periods completely. There are a TON of support groups out there for this, and good for you for getting the diagnosis. So many women are told to take some Midol and go on with their lives. The only reason mine was caught was my mother had it (she had a hysterectomy at age 35), is a RN & noticed the symptoms.

      I really like endometriosis.org

      1. You’re very lucky. I had a gynecologist mention this at 18 but nothing really ever materialized until I persisted these past two years. For years, I suffered with so much pain and super heavy flow. It’s gotten to the point where I’m missing work. I was bed-ridden this entire weekend due to pain. But thanks for the link – I have a lot of reading to do.

   3. I’ve had endo for years and controlled the symptoms for most of those with bcp. When discussing the surgery as a fix for it, DH and I decided we’d just TTC on our own and if we failed we’d go in for the surgery. We were able to conceive despite doctors being pessimistic, but I did have to take progesterone shots throughout the pregnancy to stay pregnant.

   4. Have not gone through, but two suggestions: 1. get second opinion and 2. there is a GnRH receptor antagonist currently in Phase 3 for endometriosis that may be on the market in the near-future, assuming FDA approval.

   5. I tried Lupron, BCP, various painkillers, and conservative surgery. The only solution that helped me (without debilitating side effects) was the hysterectomy I finally got in my late 20s. If I could make that decision again, I would advocate harder and earlier for the hysterectomy. I now know what it feels like to be a complete person and not be just overwhelmed by chronic, crushing pain.

   6. I’ve just finished 6 months of Lupron–literally, I have the final appt to go back on bc tomorrow. And it’s been hard on my marriage because we haven’t been gardening, but the physical side effects have not been that bad.

   7. My friend had this exact thing. She went to the doc after the first surgery and they told her try naturally. They just had their baby last month after only a couple of months of trying. They actually had to have a shotgun wedding of sorts because no one was expecting it (well the doctor told them try first). Since they are mid 30s they wanted to jump right into the options and he said no. I know it’s not everyone’s story but there’s hope. She had given up on ever having kids naturally. But she hadn’t ever tried.

   8. Have a baby now! The odds are against you and it will be hard. The sooner you start the better. I was diagnosed at age 23 and started trying at 26 on doctors advice. With difficulty had 2 kids at 29 and 31. I tried for number 3 but it did not happen. So glad I started early.

2. I know it’ll be a huge range but can we get some ballpark guesses re attorney salary range at a non profit in the employment space? It’s a small non profit (~30 employees total; ~5-7 attorneys), so we’re not talking Legal Aid or the like. The legal director makes in the 120k range (per a required filing done by non profits). The job would be an attorney role reporting to the legal director — the atty coming in with ~6 yrs big firm experience (I know it doesn’t matter that there’s a big firm salary history). NYC location in case that matters. Thoughts?

   1. I would expect around 75K –60K on the low end and 90K on the high

   2. No more than 75K. If you were outside of NYC, lower (mid 50’s).

3. How much can I expect Aquatalia boots to go on sale, and when is the best time for that to happen? I covet the Aquatalia Luisa boots so so very much, but they’re over twice what I would reasonably be willing to pay for boots.

   1. Best prices will be during the summer.

4. Weight/body image question coming up (please skip if it’s not for you!)

   Some of the threads last couple week about people succeeding in their weight loss efforts and NYE resolutions have stuck in my mind, and I’m realizing that, much to my surprise, I don’t have the most positive of body images a lady could have… I’m wondering what positive body image looks like to those of you with it?? Like what do you tell yourself regularly and how do you assess actually being aware of your weight? I had been using BMI as a general gauge for what I should be striving for. For years I have been 10-15 lbs away from what would be considered a “normal” weight for my height, and I’ve spent a lot of energy dieting/exercise to try to reach that elusive (to me) range. In doing that I just accepted that since I’m technically “overweight” that this is what I am and something I wish not to be. Is this negative body image? Do people with positive body image not concern themselves with number like this? Is that your secret to success? How does it work to have a positive body image when you have something scientific telling you you’re not “normal”? What do you tell yourself instead?

   I’m not sure what I’m really asking for, but maybe how does one practice having a positive body image? Tips? Thoughts?

   1. I think you bring up interesting questions. I don’t particularly care what my weight or BMI is. I like the way my body looks most of the time, I guess the way I fill out my favorite clothing.

      1. +1,000 I was obsessed with numbers for a good while and it was completely unhealthy for me. I never step foot on a scale except at the doctor’s office once a year and go solely by how I look and how I feel in my clothes.

         On days where I do not think that I look my best (which always revolves around what my stomach looks like), I remind myself of the awesome things that my body allows me to do, how my legs are strong, how it has healed itself after trauma, how it carries me around day-to-day, how it keeps pumping my blood and keeps the oxygen flowing. I remind myself that this is just one day in a span of many and while it’s okay to not like my body today, I still love my body.

         Sounds hokey, I know, but it works for me.

      2. Same here. I don’t even own a scale. I only know how much I weigh whenI go to the doctor.

   2. I know that I’m overweight, I’d prefer not to be, I also think I am much more than my looks, and I think I look pretty good most days and smokin hot sometimes.

      1. +1!

         I’m currently making an effort to lose weight (about 10 lbs down and 25 to go) but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel cute and well-put-together in the meantime!

      2. Right on. For me weight loss is always a practically all-consuming endeavor, and I am too busy to care to make it a priority right now.

   3. I freaking love what my body can do — even when I’m under the weather — but wish my clothes would grow with my waistline. Then I shrug and try to eat more vegetables and drink extra water for a couple of days.

   4. First, BMI is a terrible way to determine if you are overweight, since it doesn’t take muscle mass, bone density, fitness, etc. etc. etc. into account. Based on BMI I’m overweight too, but I’m a size 2 with some pretty prominent muscle, no extra fat. I’ve been as low in weight as the middle of my BMI ‘healthy’ range and I looked skeletal and felt terrible.

      So I do think that fixating on numbers like that can lead to an unhealthy body image. But some numbers can be helpful – if there’s a weight you’ve been and feel good at, working to be close to that weight can be healthy.

      Try really looking at your body and finding things you like about it (the curve of your hip, how a certain dress fits, etc) and remind yourself of those. You can be happy with your body and still want to be more fit, have better endurance, etc. It isn’t a matter of thinking your body is perfect or of it actually being perfect, but that it isn’t a source of unhappiness or holds you back from doing things with it, whether that is hiking the Grand Canyon or being naked with the lights on.

      1. See, being comfortable naked has nothing to do with size

   5. I’m a broken record about her, but my friend/blogger JUST posted about this. http://www.thereallife-rd.com/2016/12/ways-to-love-your-body/

      For you…it sounds like your body has a range where it’s happy. If your body is healthy–and I don’t mean in terms of number on the scale or BMI (which is used a lot because it’s easy but has all kinds of problems at the individual level); I mean healthy in terms of, you move your body in ways that feels good to you, your body does the things you need it to do, you have acceptable blood work, you practice self-care, you eat foods that are nourishing for both your body and your soul, you’re kind to yourself–you’re FINE.

   6. I don’t really think about my weight or size that much. I just kind of… accept it? I have friends that are dieting all the time and taking pills and doing cleanses and I just really can’t be bothered. I didn’t feel this way in my 20s, but I’m in my early 30s now and I just DGAF. When I was younger, I would weigh myself all the time, was insanely worried about stuff like if having a kid would make me fat, omg, what if I ever got into size X pants, etc. But I’ve always had an approximate “healthy for me” size, and went back to that size after I had my kid. So I just don’t stress about it anymore. I couldn’t even tell you what my BMI is.

      Days when I feel really pretty have basically nothing to do with my body, much more to do with having good hair and clothes that look nice on me. Also, my diet isn’t amazing or anything, but I at least don’t eat a bunch of junk. When I do eat a bunch of junk (see: the holidays), I enjoy it to a certain point, but then feel sick and gross beyond that point. So I do kind of regulate that, but it’s out of self-preservation rather than any kind of food morality, for lack of better term.

      1. I’m TTC and very worried about what it will do to my body. I realize that is ridiculous and vain but I’ve enjoyed being naturally skinny this far in life and really don’t want to have to change to struggling to maintain my weight. The fact that this has at all factored in my decision of whether to have kids makes me realize how much ridiculous worth our society places on women’s appearance. We are indoctrinated from a young age to think that you are worthless if you aren’t pretty and you aren’t pretty if you are fat. It is all so sad.

         1. Yeah, I think Brene Brown said a study showed that the three tops words associated with femininity are thin, quiet, and nice.

         2. I’ve been naturally thin my whole life was worried too. Then I found out I was pregnant with twins and was really worried. Packed up my clothes in tears because I was convinced I’d need a whole new work wardrobe after babies. I had to buy a whole new wardrobe for the opposite reason…I am a size smaller than pre-pregnancy. The only thing that would calm my babies some days was walks. We logged 4 miles walking the neighborhood regularly. I didn’t care about my body nearly as much as I thought I would. Your body will do amazing things and just might surprise you!

   7. I found this ad very powerful, in this vein:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsP0W7-tEOc

      I feel like I’ve seen more than one of these videos but I can’t find the other one. Anyway, I think the sentiment is amazing but it’s one I have to remind myself of semi-regularly. I am a healthy weight, a small size, and a very fit person, but I still have parts that jiggle, and sometimes it makes me self-conscious. I have to remind myself that _there’s no reason it should_ because it’s _the most normal thing ever_.

   8. I have the best body image when I’m weight lifting on a regular basis, striving (and attaining!) new benchmarks in strength and fitness. Many men have this mindset (the body is a tool I can make stronger) whereas many women think of their bodies as imperfectly ornamental. It’s insane how weight lifting changed the way I think about my own body! I stopped weighing myself because muscle weighs more than fat anyway, so who cares if I’m 5lbs less? All I care about is that I can lift 10lbs more than I could last week! Learning how to properly use free weights in the gym was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself, physically and mentally. I can’t recommend it highly enough.

   9. I have the best body image when I’m weight lifting on a regular basis, striving (and attaining!) new benchmarks in strength and fitness. Many men have this mindset (the body is a tool I can make stronger) whereas many women think of their bodies as imperfectly ornamental. It’s insane how weight lifting changed the way I think about my own body! I stopped weighing myself because muscle weighs more than fat anyway, so who cares if I’m 5lbs less? All I care about is that I can lift 10lbs more than I could last week! Learning how to properly use free weights in the gym was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself, physically and mentally. I can’t recommend it highly enough.

   10. This is amazing reading all of these. Very inspiring and something to aspire to! I really appreciate you sharing

   11. I never had much success with the “pick a part of your body that you love” approach. What worked for me was appreciating all of the things that my body can do and noticing how much better it feels when I take care of it (eating healthy, working out, sleeping enough). I don’t own a scale and have no idea what my BMI is.

   12. The thing that helps me the most is being mad? Like when I feel down on myself, I remember how there is a bajillion dollar industry feeding me bull* and trying to make me feel down on myself so (first I should cut myself some slack when they get through to me, but second) I should not let those jerks win. There’s a lot of “eff you, anyone who doesn’t think this body is good. this body is hot and awesome! look at this [part i like]! look at how i can [thing i do]!” I know (from a history of ED) exactly what it takes to get to the size that world would like me to be, and the idea that there are all these industries designed to push us that way – NOPE. Eff that! I’m gonna channel my anger into celebrating this body that might just piss some people off.

       Also, I haven’t weighed myself in years. I buy clothes that fit – no goal sizes, no “skinny pants” (I’m lucky that my size doesn’t fluctuate much) – and that make me feel good, professional, sexy, comfortable, whatever’s appropriate. I don’t really hang out with people who moralize about size/weight, to the point that when people say “oh I’ll have this cookie but don’t tell anyone” I am afraid I look at them like they have a second head – why would a cookie be a secret?! I also associate with, and appreciate, my friends of all different sizes and styles – we take our bodies as they are, and like, yeah, I can’t borrow the size 2 gal’s clothes, but that is just a fact of life, like how my skin is a different color than hers, or her feet are bigger than mine, or whatever. It’s really quite lovely letting go of some of the hangups.

   13. I reinforce a positive body image when I start to get down about not looking “perfect” by reminding myself what my body can do. It doesn’t look like other bodies, it doesn’t do things other bodies can do, and sometimes it doesn’t even do what I want it to do, but it can still do amazing things.

       My size seems to be the size my body wants to be, because it hasn’t changed appreciably since I finished puberty. Sometimes I eat more, sometimes I eat less, but I don’t worry too much about it either way.

       My body is amazing, and I am amazing in it. And now I’m gonna go change for ballet class, because that is one of the amazing things my body can do.

   14. I used to be a thin, flat-chested person who lived on coffee and cigarettes. Now that I don’t smoke, I gained a lot of weight around my middle, plus, I am 50 years old. I actually feel better about myself! I know objectively that my belly is way too fat. However, I learned how to dress myself in the most flattering clothes. I don’t look as old as I did ten years ago because my face is filled out.

5. Or you could just use one of the million free versions people give out like pens and stickers.

   1. Or just get the actual phone case that does this and not worry about it peeling off the phone? I have one I love – I think it’s called the “Q card case.” Only adds maybe ~3/8″ of thickness to my phone and holds 3 cards.

      1. Mine hasn’t peeled off, even though it’s stuck to a curved phone case. Has that been a problem for you? But yeah, I got my phone case before I knew you could get them with card cases built in.

6. I have a family situation that I could advice about. I’m posting this anonymously because it involves family.

   My younger cousin turned 18 this spring. Other than me she is the only woman in our family who went to college. She started this August. But she dropped out after one semester because she got pregnant. She only knew the father for two months before they both went to college and the timing says she got pregnant right before she left. They both finished their semester and came back to the hometown, and they got married this past Saturday. My cousin is four months pregnant and they have only known each other for six months with four of those months being long distance because she was at school in Washington and he was in Florida.

   My family is happy that they got married, but they would not have disowned her for getting pregnant and not being married. They were supportive of both of us going to college. His family seems the same way. For a wedding present people chipped in for a down payment on a house for them (hometown is in a LCOL in Iowa) and stuff for the house. Someone helped her husband get a job at a bank and he is going to night to become an accountant, which is what he was in college for. My cousin is going you stay home for now and says she’ll maybe go to night school when the baby and any other kids are older and in school.

   I’m struggling with this. My cousin wanted to be a journalist or writer. The world was at her feet and she could have done anything. She says she’ll try to keep up writing and and maybe blogging but it will be hard once the baby arrives. I don’t want to be offensive but I just see this as such a waste. They both are 18 yet and will just be 19 when the baby is born in May. The both did well in the semester if college they finished and had bright futures.

   I’m going home for Christmas and will see her for the first time since the summer and him for the first time ever. I want to be supportive but I don’t know how.

   1. the semester *of* college they finished (wish there was an ‘edit’ button)

   2. This is really none of your business. You say it’s lovely to see her, you ask how she is doing, etc. it’s not what you would have chosen but it is what she has done and it sounds like it is just fine. She won’t have the path you expected for her but life is long, and her kid will be out of the house when she turns 40.

      1. I kind of agree. Just b/c she met a man, and had s-x and got pregnant does NOT make her a bad person. Like one of the other OP’s said, she will have that kid in college when she is 23! Who care’s that she had s-x and had a baby? She does but that is a GOOD thing b/c she want’s to bring her child into the world and raise him/her!!!! She should get an award for this. Take an interest in her, and when she becomes rich and famous, you can say that you did NOT abandon her or judge her for haveing s-x before marrage, like some judgemental peeople do. FOOEY on them!

   3. Is there an online program she can enroll in? For a certification or something similar? I think your cousin will be okay. Not everyone needs a 4-year college degree but there are so many options out there. She could become an electrician or plumber or mechanic and make bank (which I sometimes wish I did).

   4. Unless she and her DH are asking for your advice re careers or college, I wouldn’t offer it. It’ll come across like you think they need a big city college grad to tell them how to live their lives — and they don’t. I can see why you’re disappointed, but they aren’t the first ones on earth (or in their small town) who’ve run into this problem — it’s incredibly common esp in small towns to marry a high school sweetheart/someone you met in or just after HS and have a baby within 6 months of that marriage. They appear to be figuring it out if he’s got a bank job and is working on an accounting degree; it could be much worse – he could be flipping burgers with no hope of a career. This way he will have a career — it’ll take longer to get there, but he’ll get there.

      1. yeah a close family friend married right out of HS and had a child at 17; after 2 failed marriages (amicable) she has now been married to her 3rd husband for close to 35 years, went to college and had a very successful corporate career. It’s definitely a different path but your cousin’s life is not over.

   5. Being loving and interested in her life, even though it’s not the one you and she were planning for her to have right now, is the most support you can give. Let her know you love her no matter what, and you’ll always be there for her… especially when things settle down for her and she considers her next steps. She’ll need you then so don’t close your door on her now.

      1. I heartily agree with this.

   6. They still have bright futures. I know a couple who met and got pregnant first semester of college. They were married in January of freshman year and moved into married student housing. They are still married 20 years later and went on to have two more kids. Both went to grad school and have successful careers. Everyone’s path is different.

      1. +1

      2. +1 they still have bright futures. Particularly because this couple seems, from what you describe, to have extremely helpful family support systems. They’ll be fine. This is not a prison sentence.

      3. I typed a long answer but don’t want to hash out too much of someone else’s story on the internet. I’ll sum it up with – I tried to talk someone out of marriage in a similar situation. She told me that not getting married because people will think it was forced is just as bad as getting married by force. She was making her choice. They are still happily together with more kids and living the dream.

      4. Plus, you really don’t have to go to college when you’re 18. You can go when you’re 22 or 26 or 30 or 40. I think the best thing to do in this scenario is make sure the cousin has a strong support network.

      5. I got pregnant at 19 and dropped out of college after 3 semesters, had the baby at 20, but didn’t get married. I finished college at night while working full time then went to law school at night and now I’m an attorney. The path doesn’t have to be straight, it can take many unexpected turns, be a beautiful journey and end up happy.

         1. Well done. I mean it.

   7. At this moment in time, being supportive is congratulating them on their marriage and wishing them well with the baby. Try not to show your disappointment.

   8. As someone who has been there (I dropped out of college when I became pregnant) the best thing you can do is act as if this is a perfectly reasonable and minor alteration to her plans. Assume she is perfectly capable of resuming her studies, of writing on the side, of finding a way to have a meaningful life. If you’re the only other woman in the family who went to college, she probably looks up to you: please don’t let her down by showing your disappointment. She’s still the same competent woman, she’s just going about her life a little differently. Believe in her. When her kid’s in full time school she’ll only be 23. She’s got plenty of time.

      1. +1

      2. THIS.

      3. “When her kid’s in full time school she’ll only be 23. She’s got plenty of time.”

         ^ This x 1,000,000. And if her husband is going into accounting, they are almost definitely going to be just fine from a financial/job stability standpoint.

         I was 23 when I realized the job I was doing with my college degree was something I hated with a fiery passion. I spend my mid 20s flailing, going back to school, and eventually becoming a CPA. I started my first job in public accounting at the ripe old age of 28. 23 is nothing. That is so young. She has her whole life ahead of her.

   9. I know someone who dropped out of high school when she got pregnant. She went back to college once her child was in elementary school and ended up getting a degree in a STEM field, and then she went on to get a PhD. I know that is not the normal teen mom story, but it does happen, and it sounds like your family member is in a much better spot than my friend for a number of reasons: she has a high school diploma, she has family support, and she has a partner. It’s not unheard for women to drop out of college to raise children and to go back to college when the children and school-age. I also grew up in the Midwest and had several friends who had moms who did a similar thing, although they weren’t teenagers when they became moms.

      And quite honestly, as someone who works with a lot of journalists, starting a bl0g may be the best thing she could do for her journalism career. Traditional print media is dying and is a very hard field to get into, even with a degree from a place like Yale, and there are a lot of fashion and mommy bl0ggers out there with book deals and six figure incomes. Don’t write this off as ridiculous; encourage her to pursue it if you think she has a talent for writing. There’s a lot of judgment in your post and I’d try to hold it in. Aside from being the nice, polite thing to do, supporting her and gently encouraging her to chase her dreams is the best way you can positively impact her life. If you judge her, she will just cut you off and you will have no chance to influence her.

   10. I would encourage her to finish at least a couple of courses by distance in the coming semester. Maybe you could help by researching if her current university offers distance education courses for credit.

       Could she write a column for the local paper, even if for peanuts? Might keep her engaged with writing. Maybe a baby products review column or something? There’s a lot of that online but there’s a lot of grandparents who don’t shop/read reviews online.

   11. Honestly, they sound like they’re doing better than 95% of teen parents, given that they’re responsible citizens who aren’t addicted to anything, they’re together, one of them will be gainfully employed and the other will be a full time parent, and they have a lot of financial and emotional support from family. I think the odds are very good that she will eventually pursue a career outside the home if that’s what she wants. As others have noted, she will only be 23 when her kid starts school. That’s so young, relatively speaking. I have a friend who didn’t start college until 24 and is now very successful in a high-powered profession. I certainly wouldn’t choose this path for my daughter, but I don’t think it’s as life-ending as you seem to think it is.

   12. I work with a kick-ass Biglaw partner who was a teen mom. Your cousin still has her whole life ahead of her. Maybe her writing will one day benefit from this experience, which will make her stand out from the gazillions of aspiring urban writers for whom commitment and responsibility is a foreign concept. Or, more likely, her life will go in a different direction than what she intended at 18 because that’s what happens to most of us anyway.

   13. She needs you to believe in her, not be disappointed in her.

   14. Lots of good advice above (especially from boris!).

       I just wanted to tell you that I understand how you feel. My beloved babysitter was in her senior year of college and dropped out when she got pregnant. She’s not marrying the dad, and is instead taking a year of maternity leave to be with the baby (she explained to me that she just thought it was very important to be a SAHM. I thought, “This is the wrong thing to say to the working mom who employs you to care for her children while she works!”).

       Her family is wonderful and supportive and the baby is darling and I say nothing but supportive things, but I was just so sad when all of this happened. It feels like watching all that bright promise get snuffed out. My great hope is that the promise isn’t being snuffed out – it’s just moving in a different direction. So bottom line: I know how you feel, and I totally get it. But the only thing you can do now is be supportive, hug them both, and be a good friend. It’s not easy but your relationship will be better for it.

   15. They may end up ahead! At 19, they are homeowners building equity and he’s working at a bank. They have little student loan debt and the support of family in their hometown. A lot of college grads would kill to have that. Actually, a lot of ‘rettes here would love to have that! As a lower-income married couple, they will qualify for more student aid than they might have under their parents. Plus, most state colleges have on-campus daycare so she can still take traditional day classes later if she wants.

       It sounds like she had a semester to experience campus life, so it’s not like she’s completely missed college. She can have the baby, go back when the baby is older, and still be on course for a successful career. If that’s what she wants. She may find her way into an office and be just as happy doing administrative work and writing on the side. There are lots of different paths.

   16. I had my daughter when I was 17. I did not get married to her father and instead was a single mother while I went to college. I graduated college and then went to law school and have been a lawyer for 8 years. My daughter is a sophomore in high school now! I eventually got married and had two more children.

       The best thing my family did for me (after getting over the initial shock and acting like my life was over) was to not act like my life was over. To continue to ask me about my goals, my hopes, my dreams, and my plan for making it work along with my child. It helps to know people believe in you and are standing behind you. It is a different path and in lots of ways very difficult. Not something I want for my own daughter. But it doesn’t mean life is over! And even if she choses to stay home for a few years, she still has plenty of time to get back to school.

   17. Platitudes like “the world was at her feet” and “she could have been anything” are unhelpful because life happens to all of us and we all have to deal with changes in our circumstances. FWIW, it sounds like she and her new husband have handled the situation they find themselves as well as could be expected, and it sounds like they are lucky to have a great support system. I’d wish your cousin well and express that it’s great that she is still planning on pursuing her education.

   18. You be supportive by being supportive to her and her child. Nothing about this is a waste! Her baby will go off to college around the same time her friends are taking fertility drugs trying desperately to get pregnant. She can go to college when she is 36 and have a whole career.

   19. Honestly? I have the “whole world at my feet” – advanced degree from a top 3 school, crazy prestigious job, amazing resume, seven figure net worth, the whole 9.

       And my life is empty and not really worth living. My last three boyfriends have dumped me for working too much. I am alone and probably too old to meet someone and have a family.

       I envy your cousin.

7. Would you rather have:

   Job A, a 40-45 hour a week job with a friendly team and lots of time off and flexibility but little opportunity for advancement

   Or

   Job B, a potentially 50-60 hour a week gig with a fancier title and significantly more money (30% more). Opportunity to grow significantly, but no team and would be the only one in the company doing this type of work.

   Asking for my sister, who is in job A but is on their verge of an offer from job B. I think she should keep job A. Growth isn’t everything. But she is tempted by B’s salary and prestige.

   1. Definitely B. Why would I settle for 40 hours, no room to grow, no challenge, and less pay?

      1. Just want to point out that 40 hours/week doesn’t mean the job isn’t challenging or interesting. Mine is. “Little room for advancement” just might mean you can’t grow in title and pay, which many people don’t care about.

         1. After find the job for a year, how do you keep that challenge of you can’t advance?

            1. I don’t think you can equate challenging with continual advancement. I enjoy my day-to-day work and there’s enough variety that I haven’t gotten bored after several years and don’t see myself getting bored anytime soon. I guess maybe it depends on how you define challenging. My job isn’t “challenging” in a sense that I’m scared and feel like I don’t know how to do it, since I’ve been doing it well for a while. But individual projects can certainly be challenging, since every project is different.

            2. +1. I have job A and am very happy. I used to be a lawyer in BigLaw and I absolutely hated it. The pay was wonderful and the opportunities for advancement were there. But I worked all the time and so I didn’t have any time for a life. I now have job A, which has no opportunities for advancement, the pay is sufficient but not a lot, and it frankly isn’t very challenging—although some projects can be. However, I’m in the office about 30 hours per week, I have an excellent holiday and vacation schedule, and I have time to do all of the other things I enjoy doing in life. Last summer I was offered an opportunity to join a smaller law firm where I would work less than I did before, but still more than I do now. It would have paid more than I make and the offer included specific advancement opportunities. I was not interested at all.

               I think a lot depends on what the person considering the job options values. I want to make enough money to live well but not really high and have as much time outside of the office and not working as possible. Other people find great fulfillment in their jobs, they’re ambitious and want to move up, they feel rewarded by making more money. Neither one is better. They’re just different personalities.

   2. A times a million. I take the extra time each week and put it towards my hobbies.

   3. B

   4. Depends what the rest of her life is like. If she has young kids or is not done having kids, I’d encourage Job A. If she has elementary-school-aged (or older) kids or no kids, I’d encourage Job B. If she has hobbies or a family or anything she enjoys doing besides work, I’d say Job A. But actually, this is totally up to her — presumably she’s a rational adult who can weigh pros and cons. Why are you getting involved?

      1. Agreed. I personally would probably choose B, but that’s almost entirely because my husband is home with the kids. If I had more childcare responsibilities, or just generally had more that I wanted to focus on outside of work, I could certainly see going with A. It’s very personality/individual circumstances dependent.

      2. I generally agree with the “it depends” advice. I’d just add that when I was raising my child I found that things got harder, rather than easier, from infancy through at least junior high…

   5. 100% B. But I’m someone who tends to thrive and want a challenge. I would be bored out of my mind in job A.

   6. Definitely B but I’m single and childfree so I don’t really need the extra flexibility re kids. I actually feel like working 50 hours a week is not that much more difficult than 40.

   7. A for sure. I really enjoy my job, but I also love to travel and have some hobbies and enjoy having ample free time and vacation time. And the fact that I’m only expected to work 40 hours/week greatly enhances my job satisfaction. I can always choose to work more if I want to, and in fact I often do, but never being pressured to work more is great for my mental health. But this is a very individual thing so I don’t think you or us can really make the decision for her.

      1. This is me too.

   8. I had the A job (minus a good team) and now I have the B job. I left the A job because the people I worked with were unmotivated, negative, and a bit insular. But if she has a good team in A job I would keep it.

   9. A for me, but it depends on what she is into. I would have picked A at any point in my life because I have so many interests outside of work. And even more so now because I still have those interests, and a husband and two kids.

   10. Definitely B for me, but I’m not your sister so you shouldn’t be asking me.

8. I posted this on the wrong thread. Trying again:

   Have any of you bought a mattress online? I’m looking for a full size low profile mattress for my son’s loft bed, which has a solid platform. I think I’d prefer one with inner springs unless you tell me that 100% foam really would keep him from sinking all the way to the bottom. He is the size of your average full grown man at age 14.

   1. I LOVE my Leesa mattress, which is all foam. I have a king size, and it is truly the most comfortable thing I’ve ever slept on – better than the most comfortable hotel beds I’ve ever slept in. My 200 lb all muscle BF feels the same way – he doesn’t sink at all.

   2. Yes, we bought this one on Amazon. It doesn’t sink even with two adults, a jumping toddler and a dog. https://www.amazon.com/Signature-Sleep-CertiPUR-US-Certified-Available/dp/B005A4OOWQ/ref=sr_1_3?s=furniture&rps=1&ie=UTF8&qid=1482180671&sr=1-3&keywords=foam+mattress&refinements=p_85%3A2470955011%2Cp_n_size_browse-bin%3A368698011%2Cp_n_feature_keywords_three_browse-bin%3A7899346011%2Cp_72%3A1248915011

   3. I bought an all foam mattress from Amazon for my guest bedroom and my guests rave about it. It’s the zinus green tea mattress, and it comes in a 10 inch version.

   4. Bought a Tuft & Needle and it’s amazing. No sinking.

   5. Love my Leesa also, as does my 6′ tall, 180lb husband. We were about to buy a mattress at a box store that was twice the price but were enticed by Leesa’s return policy and decided to give it a whirl. Love it and bought another for the guest room.

   6. I bought one from Amazon after reading reviews! Was shipped right to my door and I just popped it open. Voila! Got someone on “OfferUP” to take the old one (which was fine I just didn’t like it) for free within 20 minutes of posting.

9. For those of you with Uniqlo heattech pieces…are they “slippery”? I need some baselayers that won’t stick to my normal clothes and let them drape naturally but are still warm. I’ve had Patagonia capilene forever, but they definitely stick.

   1. No they are not slippery. Pretty much behave like a regular cotton or synthetic weave shirt would. The only ones I’ve seen to date that are slippery are Cuddle Duds but those are lower quality and aren’t really that warm.

   2. No they are matte, like a cotton or synthetic shirt. Not slippery.

   3. I would look for silk underlayers – I have some from Lands End. They probably won’t completely solve the sticking/friction problem, but may help.

      1. Thanks! I will try the LE ones. Are they warm? Silk should be slippery enough. I’m having the issue today where my somewhat slim-leg pants look oddly frumpy because they can’t drape properly due to the cling.

         1. Honestly – I probably wouldn’t try to wear long underwear with slim cut pants. Layers tend to work best when you create pockets of trapped air. So, layering with close cut clothing tends to just have layers with no air pockets. Which is why I rarely do tights under jeans, since all of my jeans are tight through the thighs.

            Especially since the silk l/u I have aren’t tight like leggings/tights. It’s a little bit baggy, not a lot, but they aren’t a knit. So you probably still won’t get proper drape, because of the excess fabric as opposed to friction.

            1. I agree. If you must, wear spanx tights or fleece tights for extra warmth.

            2. I do find Spanx tights to be shiny, so maybe they will also be slippery. Fleece tights will probably run into the same clingy/catching problem.

   4. cuddle duds are slippery if you get the silk ones!

   5. Under Armour has a line called Coldgear that I really like. They have a more “slippery” feel to them.

10. I’m in the midst of applying to post-clerkship biglaw jobs, and I got an email from the recruiting coordinator at a firm I applied to saying they’d like to bring me in for a meeting “to discuss the culture of the firm and the type of work they do.” I’m not sure if it’s an interview, a screener-type meeting, or something else entirely.

    Also, the email said to call or email to set up the meeting. I got the email on Thursday, called Friday morning and left a voicemail, and still haven’t heard back. Should I reach out again? And when?

    1. I’ve heard that most biglaw firms are waiting to hire until post-holidays, so they could be bringing you in for exactly what they said — a screening interview type meeting — because they don’t know who will be around. Following for responses though.

    2. It’s probably a screener — not a full fledged meeting with 4-5 attorneys interview yet; though a screener still IS an interview — just 1-2 people though.

       Give them another day – -I say send an email on Tuesday. It’s possible that they are working on it internally — figuring out who will meet with you and getting those people to suggest days/times that work and those people aren’t responding to Recruiting as they are running around finishing up their work this week so they can take some time off. But an email from you assures that they got your message and they know you’re interested — just in case they haven’t checked their v/m or something.

11. How to ask for a raise? I read Ask a Manager and consulted g00gle, but it only got me so far. Would love to hear from someone who doles out raises/promotions!

    I am in finance, VP level. About 2 months ago, an investor one level above me left and his book was split between me and an associate, with over 50% going to me. This doubled my book of clients. Overall, we are doing very well, but due to departures, our desk is down -8% year over year… although my book is +9%. These departures also mean that I am the last VP left on the desk, although effectively for the last quarter, I have been much more than a VP. I do quite a bit of mentoring, ensuring that the younger analysts and associates are well trained and equipped to flesh out the team. I am also doing a lot of work for my mentor, a managing director, who still uses me as a crutch and as I have grown in the firm I think he has realized that he is unable to execute a trade(!) and needs constant help. He is extremely senior and the higher ups know it is a problem and that I am doing his work and mine. There is no way he will be fired and is likely to retire soon, but I don’t know if I can wait that out.

    This all sounds so obvious, but I obviously need to be paid more! And promoted! But all the advice I read says to make it less about “I worked so much, pay me” and more about what I can do for them. I don’t know how to convey this without it being a threat because I know they would be scrambling if I left.

    For those of you who hire/fire/promote, what is the right way to phrase this?

    1. First off you need to address 1. the changes/departures and how you are working within these constraints, 2. MD- at the MD level, executing a trade is good to know but they are mainly relationship people at the point? I would address this by a suggestions to getting him a junior person who can be his admin/support person.

       Asking for a raise given all your highlighted contributions is not a threat. Ask for what you think is fair, word it in a collaborative way. reminding them of the hardships and your subsequent successes for the past year doesn’t seem like a threat at all.

    2. “I’ve taken on a lot of additional responsibilities this year. I’m grateful for the opportunities this presented. [Share some specific examples of good work you’ve done.] Since my role and responsibilities have expanded, I’d like to have a discussion about what would be an appropriate way for my compensation and/or title to be adjusted as well.”

    3. I’m not in finance so YMMV.

       – Time it to when your firm normally does promotions and raises, asking out of sync might come off as tone deaf
       – Tie it to what is competitive for the market
       – Demonstrate that you are already acting at the next level

       1. +1 to timing. It might be challenging for your supervisor to secure additional salary out of a standard cycle, so you’ll either want to understand what the appropriate timing is or expect that it might take a while to get everything sorted out.

          1. Thank you, I definitely have timing right. Bonuses come out January along with title changes. Reviews are this week and I figure I might have to schedule a followup one-on-one to talk further about it. I have also been taking on these new responsibilities for a couple of months now, so it seems fitting that a conversation should follow. Thanks for all the advice!

    4. Thank you both!

12. Has anyone used Illuminite reflective running clothing, and if so, can you speak to the quality and fit?

13. I have just been diagnosed with Cold Allergy- does anyone have any cream suggestions? My doctor is telling me Cortisone but I get a rash from it so looking fot alternatives. Thank you!

14. Gift for secretary question. My biglaw firm switched secretarial systems last spring, so I now have two day secretaries and one night secretary whom I share with a ton of others. I’ve been on mat leave since the summer, but go back in January. What do I do for the secretaries when I get back (if anything)?

    Very HCOLA, West Coast. FWIW, one of the secretaries does a pretty bad job and says inappropriate/offensive things at times. The others are great.

    1. I am also in very HCOLA west coast. I have two secretaries, one main one and then a second one for when my secretary had to take personal leave and for late night stuff. I did $300/$100.

    2. I would first ask the other attorneys what they are doing.

       FWIW, I would take the total amount I plan to spend on my secretary and split it among the three. I give $100 for VHCOL, West Coast, medium-sized boutique (this is more generous than some of the partners at my firm). If I was in your situation, the secretary I rely on the most might get $50, the other day secretary $40, and the night secretary $10. Adjust as YMMV.

       Unrelated: I also gave her a frozen turkey I got through a volunteering gig. Thanks everyone for that advice a few weeks ago!

       1. Respectfully, that sounds like way too little. Better to give someone nothing than $10.00.

          Having come back from mat leave once, I would say this is an opportunity to buy a little love – like $150 each for your main assistants and $50 for the night one.

       2. Yes, don’t give anybody $10. $10 is insulting.

          Glad to hear you were able to spread the turkey love!

          1. OP here. I would disagree. At one point, I worked at a firm with a pool of secretaries: about 8-12 secretaries for 20-25 attorneys. This was about 10 years ago and each attorney gave each secretary about $10. Some attorneys would team up and give a gift that amounted to the same to make the gifts seem less meager. For example, I joined up with one other attorney to give $20 gift cards to each secretary. So I don’t think of $10 as too little when they’ll be receiving gifts from 20+ attorneys.

          2. Well certainly, chipping in $10 for a group gift is a different story. I still think $10 on its own in a card is a little chintzy, but of course firm culture varies and if it’s a done thing in your firm then it’s a done thing! :)

    3. Thanks, all!

15. Someone posted a tumblr link to a Poe take on friendzoning. I can’t find it. Will you please post it again?

    I want to share it with my niece whose “friend” called her a ho after he moved a table for her and she wouldn’t put out.

16. I just read the post, and subsequent comments on the “better freeze your eggs by 27” post. I appreciate that the OP is genuinely motivated by her own particular situation.

    However, every one’s situation is different and I would really advise against panicking.

    I had my children at 35, 37 and 42. Granted, I did get conceive much more quickly with my older two, but even with the youngest I was able to conceive “naturally” (albeit, I did acupuncture, Chinese herbs, and a few other things suggested in The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis, a western and eastern trained doctor).

    And, as others suggested, there are other ways to becoming a parent than having a biological child. A friend had a baby via surrogate with a donor egg and her husband’s sperm earlier this year, at 47. She could not possibly love that baby any moire than she does.

    1. I’m not sure it contributes to the conversation to characterize the other poster’s comments as “better freeze your eggs by 27” because she certainly phrased it less harshly than that.

       OP was having fertility issues at 27. It’s great that you were able to get pregnant easily at a time when most women’s fertility is declining. But it’s a biological reality that conceiving naturally at 42 is not common.

       1. I edited it that way for brevity. I certainly didn’t mean to sound flippant.
          However, the vast majority of women will not have trouble conceiving in their 30s, and I just wanted to offer my experience as a counterpoint.
          I think women on this site, like myself, tend to put a lot of pressure on themselves, and (I, at least) can “borrow worry”.

       2. If you can’t get pregnant at 27, you probably couldn’t have gotten pregnant at 18 and if you can’t get pregnant at 35, you probably couldn’t have gotten pregnant at 25. Some segment of the population has fertility issues regardless of age, but there’s very little evidence that age begins to a play a significant role in fertility until after 35 and even then it declines very gradually, it’s not a cliff you fall off on your 35th birthday.
          Suggesting that freezing your eggs in your 20s is a good practice for healthy women is fear mongering, since it’s not recommend by many medical professionals. People were trying to counter that fear mongering with stories of people who have gotten pregnant well after 35, which is totally fair.

       3. But the reason that conceiving at 42 is not common, as you say, is not only that women’s fertility declines through their 30s. It’s also because most fertile women who want children have already conceived earlier in life, and therefore they’re not TTC in their forties. Most of those who are TTC at that point are a self-selected minority of women who weren’t able to do so before, so the data is skewed.

          FWIW, I found this piece especially informative: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/

    2. thanks for this post. I posted in that thread as well, and as a 38-year-old woman who hopes to become a mom in the next few years, it gives me hope to see your story. I also have donor eggs in mind if my own eggs don’t work out.

17. I need to get an xmas gift for relatives who live in the West Palm Beach area. They are strapped for cash and have a five-year-old and a newborn. I would just give them a gift card, but they got us a $14 gift (I sinned and looked it up online), so I feel like it would be awkward to give them, effectively, much more in cash. It occurred to me that if there is a meal delivery service in their area, maybe that could be useful to them — save them cooking time and also grocery costs. Does such a thing exist? Or any ideas for other useful / discreetly-save-them-money type gifts?

    1. Why don’t you send them a bunch of diapers and wipes in staggered sizes (2 boxes size 1, size2, size 3)? They will very much use these up and will appreciate the stock they have :)

    2. Meal delivery sounds great, but I don’t see a problem with a gift card of higher value – I feel like it’s known that gift cards often end up being for more $ than an actual gift might be. Maybe do a combination of stores if you think one big card of $$$ would be weird for you/them.

       If you know anything about the area, a gift certificate for a local cleaning service might also be welcome.

    3. Is there a grocery store near their house that has good prepared meal options or even online ordering? You could give a gift card to that. Publix, Fresh Market, Whole Foods The meal delivery services may require more preparation that they have time for. In the case of ready made meals delivered, I feel like those are really expensive for what you get.

    4. On this one, I’d definitely get them “things” rather than a gift card which is a cash equivalent; if they happen to be feeling bad that they could only get you a $14 gift (and even if they aren’t), they may feel awkward if in return for that they get a $300 or $500 gift card. Though if you aren’t planning on giving such a high amount — I think most people would feel ok receiving up to $50 or $75 in a gift card – and that could really help them out even with 1 shopping trip.

       If you want to forego the GC altogether, meal delivery might work. I think the diaper/wipes suggestion is really good — that’s a high recurring cost for new parents. Formula – if they are/intend to use it? Otherwise could you buy and send clothes for the kids — for this winter/next spring/summer — even though there isn’t a ton of seasonal variance in West Palm, they likely are spending some money on clothes bc kids outgrow them fast.

    5. I second the idea of giveing food gift’s to them. Like food and diapers for the kid’s. There is a market in WPB called Publicx Market, and they have alot of prepared food’s and diapers and stuff that your relatives will be needing. I therefore recomend that you call the store manager near them and ask them how far you can stretch $100 (the amount you should give them) if Merchandise. This way, you will be abel to help them by buying them thing’s they need but may not buy on their own. Have a good holiday spirit b/c they need some good well wishes from you. YAY!!!!

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