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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 333 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: ‘Melody’ Lace Trim Jacket

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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This gorgeous blazer has lace details on the front as well as the back. Its puffed sleeves honestly gave me pause, though, because even though it's a nice feminine look, it also sort of reminds me of stuff that was very popular when I started the blog almost 10 years ago. I'm not sure whether we're ready for a resurgence or if it just looks dated. (Also: Does “puffed sleeves” make anyone else immediately think of this?) Still, if the style doesn't bother you, this is a great look for this time of year because you can dress it up or dress it down. You can wear it with a more colorful dress, like a purple or a red, or just combine it with muted colors, like with black and white as shown here. (There don't seem to be any matching pieces available, unfortunately.) The jacket is $397 in sizes 0-12 at Nordstrom. Tahari Elie Tahari ‘Melody' Lace Trim Jacket Two lower-priced options are here and here. (L-all)

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Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Neuro-Opthalmologist?

    Anyone ever seen one? I have an appointment next month and am overwhelmed by the many test descriptions…it’s to follow up and verify diagnosis of fourth nerve palsy (double vision/strabismus). Thanks to earlier posters last month … the prisms in my new glasses are helping with acuity. Boy! It’s really wild to lose almost all acuity when I take off the glasses … and have true double vision. Small price to pay though. TIA.

    • Anonymous

      Haven’t seen one but I used to work in ophthalmology research, I might have some test information possibly.

    • Ck

      Yep, I’ve seen one.

      After a car accident with a head injury and vision changes, I was sent to one.

      Definitely the right specialist to see when you have a nerve palsy like you describe. You want a specialist to do a very detailed examination, history, and probably blood tests to try to find out if there is a reason why you have this, if it is new. The tests are no big deal.

      It is very important to try to answer why this happened. If the neuro-ophtho is unsure, sometimes they will send you to a neurologist.

      A normal ophtho isn’t enough.

      • Neuro Opthalmologist?

        Thank you. I have seen a strabismus specialist (hence the prisms in the glasses) and my neurologist. So it’s off to this next specialist. A regular, non contrast CT scan has been done. So far, no explanation. Might go back with a CT with contrast and fat suppression. Hoping that the neuro opthalmologist can firm up diagnosis and find it is local, not a central problem. Thank you. I hope that you have resolved your problem and feel better. I have no history of a head injury so … that’s part of the conundrum.

        • Ck

          So this is a sudden, new problem?

          If so, you need an MRI of the brain and orbits with and without gadolinium. A CT with contrast is not the correct test, but since you used the term “fat suppression” maybe you meant MRI? MRI is the one in the tube that takes a long time.

          Yes, get the repeat MRI and it must include the orbits. Go to a major medical center for the MRI… not a cheaper, convenient local place. You need the best quality MRI scanner, since you are looking for something that may be very small and subtle.

          Have you had a lumbar puncture? What did the neurologist think is going on?

          A strabismus specialist can help with prisms, but they don’t know how to figure out why it happened.

  2. Ellen

    Yay Kat! I love this lace trim jacket from Tahari, even if the sleeve’s are a littel pooffey! I will have ROSA look at it today b/c she is goeing down to Nordstrom’s from Chapaqua. This time of year, I perfer to do most of my shoppeing on the web, but since she takes the SUV down to White Plaine’s she can be my personal shopper! YAY for Rosa and the Kid’s!

    I now am onley 250 hours from my yearley billing quota with less than 2 weeks to go. This should be a breeze for me b/c I have a lot of unbilled time that I must put into the system. The manageing partner promised me a bonus if I make quota, and I have ALREADY pledged it to the Salavation Army b/c they are such a good organization. I think the ENTIRE HIVE should pledge to the Salavation Army. I used to think they were a branch of the milatary until Dad called me dumb for thinkeing that. I am sure I am NOT the onley one who thought that, and I now realize they are an organization that does good for poor peeople. I think we in the HIVE need to stand up and do what is right for the less fortunate. It was difficult for me to hit my billeings, but I did and now they will be the benefieciaries of my hard work. NOW if ONLEY they (or the hive) can get me a HUSBAND, I would also feel blessed!!!!! DOUBEL YAY in Advance if it can be arranged for 2017!!!!

  3. Gift for Gardener

    MIL is just starting out as a gardener. We got her a GC to the local gardening center but would like to spend another $50 +/- on something to accompany the gift card. She’s in Florida, if that matters. I know she has tools and a seat she uses, but that’s about it. Any ideas that are not gardening books? I do not garden at all, so I’m clueless. TIA!

    • JayJay

      No suggestion, but at first I read this as “gardening” the euphemism for this place, and chuckled into my coffee.

    • anon anon armani

      Gardener’s Supply Co is fabulous. Also a supply of good gardening gloves. Felco shears/clippers. Amazing things they are. Sun hat. Mission athletics towels/bandannas to keep cool. Crocs … soft and able to rise off feet when gardening in the summer heat. Rubber kneeling pads/mats. Terrific, sweat proof sunscreen. If they bring plants indoors for freezes … there are little pop up greenhouses (see the catalogue mentioned at the start of this post).

      • Anon

        My southern inlaws have little trolleys for all their plants that come in when it freezes. I think they are really just wooden dollies…but maybe something like that rather than lifting and lugging the plants.

    • Anonymous

      I got my bf a beautiful brass watering can from Hayes for $80. He loves it. If your MIL has containers or window boxes and is the type to appreciate a very beautiful version of a common object, I suggest it! I gifted it along with a brass polish so he can decide whether to keep it shiny or let it develop a patina.

    • Walnut

      Things that come to mind: a hose and sprayer, soaker hose, a timer to go on the spigot for automatic watering, pruners, a couple of pots and a bag of potting soil, seeds, watering can, Whooly Pocket, herb seedlings for inside or out.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Do you know if she likes to garden to try and attract any type of birds? My stepmom gardens and likes to plant flowers that attract hummingbirds, so I ordered her a cute copper hummingbird feeder to replace the little plastic ones she’s been using. I found it from the seller CopperHummingbird on Etsy. They were in the $30-50 range.

    • Anon

      If she’s into roses, gauntlet gloves. My MIL gets these very few years because she has frail skin (she’s in her 80s) and the thorns can really do a job on your arms.

      If you are seeing her in person, you could offer to do some of the physically hard stuff involved in gardening- mulching, laying pavers etc. if not now, at a future date. This is my gardening mother’s favorite gift. Mine, too- I got a pickup full of mulch and a pair of gloves in my kids and DH’s size for Mother’s Day because he and the kids did all the work :-)

    • Anon

      Our local garden association has great beginners classes and an awesome facebook page. MY MIL is obsessed with the facebook group. Maybe something like that would be helpful as there are great classes around local plant species and whatnot.

    • Anonymous

      Hopefully this isn’t too late, but I love giving a subscription to GrowVeg.com, which is an easy-to-use garden planner that accounts for your location and season and will tell you how many of each plant to order, etc. It isn’t very expensive, either. I think maybe $40?

    • Way to Garden

      This might be too late, but I find that the woman who writes the blog Way to Garden has excellent and practical suggestions for gardening supplies. I have followed her advice on tools to get gifts for my mom and for myself and have always been happy.

  4. NYNY

    Puffed sleeves + lace = frump (to me, anyway). This looks like something out of a Spiegel catalog in 1983. Pass.

  5. anon anon armani

    Gardener’s Supply Co is fabulous. Also a supply of good gardening gloves. Felco shears/clippers. Amazing things they are. Sun hat. Mission athletics towels/bandannas to keep cool. Crocs … soft and able to rise off feet when gardening in the summer heat. Rubber kneeling pads/mats. Terrific, sweat proof sunscreen. If they bring plants indoors for freezes … there are little pop up greenhouses (see the catalogue mentioned at the start of this post).

  6. cbackson

    Tahari has made a bunch of jackets in this cut, but without the puffed sleeves. I have two of them and love them, but this one looks to me like too many ideas colliding in one garment.

    • Miz Swizz

      Do you have a link to the Tahari jacket? I’ve been looking to add some new jackets to my wardrobe and what you’re describing sounds perfect!

      • cbackson

        Both of mine came from consignment shops, sadly – one is black with a bunch of front detail (sort of matador-esque) and the other is cream linen with bands of horizontal pleating down the front placket. They both had the cropped, nipped-in waist silhouette. It’s a bit dramatic, but I trend a bit dramatic anyway.

    • Anonymous

      I have some from Tahari as well. Akris and Vince also typically makes these styles.

  7. puffed sleeve jacket

    This is like something the grandmother of the bride wears with a long satin skirt…

  8. Anonymous

    I’ve lived in a tenement building for like 8 years now, one of several buildings that I think are owned by the same family. My landlord, the super, and the rest of the staff are lovely, but I’ve never given them Christmas gifts/tips or anything. It’s not like a luxury building with a doorman where tipping is standard.

    I really want to do something nice this year. I know my super does not drink and has been eating a lot healthier lately, so a bunch of wine or a basket of cookies won’t be appreciated. I don’t want to give envelopes of cash because I don’t know all the staff by name and I don’t want to accidentally stiff someone. I’d rather give a basket of, I don’t know, SOMETHING, to the staff of the building and the staff of the diner (downstairs from me and owned by the same people). Something communal that’s neither alcoholic nor too unhealthy.

    Any suggestions?

      • Anonymous

        +1 for some sort of fruit arrangement or basket, since it fills all the categories you’re looking for.

      • Shopaholic

        Someone sent them to me at work and I guess I don’t see the appeal? They were good but not amazing… I would do a basket of fruit for sure from a local place.

      • Anon in NYC

        Someone sent them to me at work and I guess I don’t see the appeal? They were good but not amazing… I would do a basket of fruit for sure from a local place.

          • Lizzie

            YES. I think this is perfect. More fun and exciting than a fruit basket, but just as healthy.

    • Walnut

      Along the fruit idea, how about a basket of fruit? Clementines, bananas, pears, apples, etc.

      • Mindy

        If you go to Hmart on 32nd you could probably find a nicely boxed set of fruit for gifting.

    • CMT

      Interesting use of the word tenement. It makes me think you live in 19th century NYC!

      • Anonymous

        Now that you mention it, I’ve never heard anyone else describe their building that way, but I don’t know how else to describe it! It has the classic dumbbell shape with the trash-filled ‘courtyard’ and everything. The floors and walls are curved from age. I love it so much; I use the descriptor affectionately.

      • Hermione

        They’re called tenements in Scotland too. Stairs in Edinburgh and closes in Glasgow

  9. Anon for this

    I am having a personal issue with someone in my life which might (probably?) end up in small claims court. This person is avoiding all attempts to resolve this issue amicably. I have resigned myself to the fact that this will only be resolved legally at this point, however I still need to exist with this person on a daily basis. This isn’t a family member or really a friend, but I do see them on a semi-regular basis (being intentionally vague). I see them, my kids see their kids, we are involved in an organization together etc. Any tips for not being super awkward? Do I pretend this other scary issue isn’t happening? Do I go out of my way to avoid them? As an introvert, I have no idea how to approach this person now.

      • Anon for this

        A. Thank you
        B. Unfortunately, initiated by other person, not by myself so not sure how much is in my control unless I want to pay the entire unfounded demand upfront.

        • Anonymous

          Let them sue you. Small claims court is a magnet for the semi-unhinged. But b/c that is a lot of the fequent flyers there, SCC is very efficient about dispatching them with a zero recovery. The really loco ones appeal . . .

          • nutella

            Yep, I would say “I’d rather not talk since you are suing me” and don’t be afraid of small claims court. They want to resolve it amicably and when it is between two individuals, the judge/arbiter is more likely to side with the one that is able to calmly explain the facts. Bring with you any ‘evidence’ you have supporting your side and convey that you have tried to resolve this amicably many times. Judges in small claims cannot stand it when their time is being wasted simply so that one party can drag out the process when it could have been resolved before.

          • shopping

            The one time I’ve been to small claims, the other person did *not* want to resolve it amicably, and intentionally lit into me as soon as the arbiter gave her a chance to speak. I realized later (when I saw her husband nod his approval) that this was a completely intentional strategy to force us past the arbiter stage so it had to move on to court. Ick.

          • Anon

            Thank you for saying that. I’m not the OP but I was threatened with a small claims lawsuit by someone who was totally unhinged. She ended up never following through (so far, anyway) but it makes me feel better that you say this happens in SC all the time and would likely have been thrown out. It stresses me out for a while!

          • Anon for this

            (OP) Thank you for all of this. I know this person is acting irrationally, but it isn’t helping my anxiety levels this week on top of work and kids and holiday stress. It feels like a personal violation and that I have done something wrong, even though my counsel says the facts line up in my favor. It helps to know that this type of thing is a magnet for the unhinged. I have already taken a break from the organization where I volunteer that this person is on the board (organization has no relation to the issue) which seems unfair but I guess that is life.

        • Anonymous

          Ahh gotcha. In that case, do not speak to them and do not be afraid to say “since you’re suing me I’d rather we not talk.”

    • Anon

      My parents had to go to small claims court, and I was impressed with the process. There was no discovery, it was all resolved on the spot, it was quick & efficient. Don’t be afraid of it; the court here had guides & info b/c most people are pro se in small claims court. It would probably be best if you stick to plain boring facts & don’t lob any personal insults at them in your papers, given that you have to continue to interact. Just keep it business.

    • Anon

      No one-on-one conversations with this person. If you have to interact about organization business keep it to that. But give this person the cold shoulder on chit chat and social niceties. Your kids should not have play dates together. Sorry, that seems like punishing the kids for adult stuff, but you need to protect your family’s assets.

      And document the hell out of any interaction she pushes on you.

    • anon

      Get everything in writing. When you see them pretend it didn’t happen by being generically friendly. Like you would to an unfamiliar grocery store clerk or something.

  10. Anonymous

    I have been diagnosed with endometriosis recently and will have the laparoscopy soon. Obgyn wants a second scan in a few weeks prior to surgery. Weird part is that I have NO symptoms. Regular periods, no pain. Has anyone had this happen? Diagnosis but zero symptoms. I was rather taken aback to see the massive cysts on the scan, and have that diagnosis.

      • aggressive in my opinion....

        +1

        I would definitely get a second opinion. If you were trying to have a child and this was inhibiting that, or you were having pain/symptoms I would consider it. But why be so invasive now?

        See another OB/GYN, and look for the best one in your area that focuses her practice on Endometriosis.

        • full of ideas

          Totally agree. If you’re not having symptoms there is no reason to have surgery. Many endo symptoms are worsened by surgery, including increased scar tissue and adhesions. Save the lap for when you need it (ie, when the pain is too much, you find out your fertility problems could be resolved with a lap, etc). If you do have the surgery, it should not just be diagnostic. Demand a plan for dealing with the cysts and any lesions found – burning or layering the tissue is not a great option, the surgeon should be cutting them out so that it is 100% removed.

      • Anonymous

        +1

        I’ve had a diagnosis for 10 years and have just been managing symptoms with BCP. I was told that surgery isn’t necessary unless I just want a 100% confirmed diagnosis or my symptoms become so severe that bcp/hormones can’t manage them. A lot of women have cysts and never know it, so I wouldn’t be very concerned unless you were having symptoms, but most certainly get a second opinion with a OB/GYN who has lots of experience with cysts & endo.

    • rosie

      I would look for a reproductive endocrinologist with a specialty in endo for a consult if you might want to have a child sometime down the line.

    • Endometriosis

      Yeah, my MRI showed one ovary and fallopian tube completely obscured and the other ovary being half covered and I definitely don’t want the surgery because I’m terrified that the surgeon will get snip-happy. They’re surgeons, I get it, they have to perform surgery according to their best judgement. My pain left me bed-ridden this weekend and I’m going the slow but steady route of seeking different opinions. I would wait prior to anything invasive. If your doctor wants to do laparoscopy based on sonogram only, I think that’s very premature.

    • Mary

      Definitely get a second opinion. I had endometriosis for years. Technically, it is not supposed to be diagnosed without surgery because it often does not show up on scans. I had ultrasounds this summer that were completely clear. Surgery 4 months later revealed pretty extensive endometriosis in several locations.

      Surgery might be the right answer, but if you feel like your doctor might be snip-happy, then you want to go to someone else. And without a doubt, you want someone with a solid reputation for treating endometriosis. Treatment outcomes vary widely, and it is important to go to someone who knows specifically about treating it.

    • MK

      Might be worth getting another opinion. Surgery is usually the diagnostic tool for endo because scans often miss it. I had the surgery a few years ago because I was having trouble getting and staying pregnant. I had some telltale symptoms, but no real pain. Endometriosis wasn’t confirmed until the doc actually did the surgery. Sure enough, I had stage II and III endo, which was clearly messing things up for my reproductive system even though I was ovulating regularly.

  11. VKJ

    I posted yesterday about Ugg boots for chilly weather with minimal snow and occasional ice, but then got to thinking about a ski trip in the next year or two where I wouldn’t hate to have something with a bit more traction. I also was able to try some Uggs on last night and did not find them comfortable (the difference between the size 8 and the size 9 was too great for my picky feet).

    Anyone have any hybrid boots they love? Warm and snuggly but also traction is really what I am looking for. I looked at the Sorel Joan of Arctic and they seem awesome but it’s only cold enough here to wear them maybe once a year. So maybe something a little lighter than that. Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      I bought Sorel Glacy snow boots also for a ski trip. They look like uggs but way cheaper and very comfy.

    • lost academic

      Tractor Supply carries awesome insulated muck boots with fantastic traction. They do not look bad at all.

    • BB

      I have Sorel Tofinos, which are great and lighter than , but I probably wouldn’t recommend them for good traction (fine but not amazing). Check out the reviews on Outdoor Gear Lab. They specifically will rate for traction…I think they mentioned Columbia/Merrills for better traction.

      • Anon

        I just bought the joan of arctics. Can’t decide what I think about the fur. When my husband saw them he started dancing around singing “boots with the fur”. Lol

        • Anon

          My guess is that they are very warm, but they’re also part of the winter uniform for wealthy college girls in my city, so I’m biased against them (see also: Canada Goose parka, leggings).

        • brokentoe

          I have them (I’m no college girl) and while warm, they are not the warmest boots I have. They are also not terribly comfortable for lots of walking. I much prefer my Merrel boots. I finally retired a pair and bought another this year and LOVE them – very warm, cute and good tread. Look on Sierra Trading Post for great deals on several styles – I paid less than $100 and am very happy.

        • BB

          I tried them with the Tofinos and they were definitely a bit “too much fur” for me. :) I live in the Northeast, but have spent the last 6 winters with light fleece-insulated boots so figured that I can handle the Tofinos not being super insulated.

        • ChiLaw

          I had the Joan of Arctics. They started leaking the first winter I wore them. I am still mad.

  12. LSC

    I have two more days left in my twenties! Any suggestions for what I should do to close them out? I feel like something is in order, but have no idea what. Send me some ideas!!

    • Anonymous

      Open an IRA if you had any W-2 income in 2016.

      I give you the gift of compounding and tax-free deferral. In 45 years, you can send me a thank you card and take me to dinner. By that time, we’ll be eating early-bird specials and it will be cheap, cheap, cheap.

  13. Grump

    I am hating on that “girl” who showed up to work sick when we have a very generous sick leave (matter of fact, we don’t even document it, we just call in sick unless it’s more than 3 days).
    If she makes us all sick right before christmas, I don’t know where to find sympathy for her.

    • Macademia

      I know what you mean, everybody keep your germs at home. I sent my one employee home twice last week and had to tell her yesterday that she probably wouldn’t be well enough to come in today.

    • Parfait

      This is why I am planning on working from home all week! I am well enough today to be able to tolerate going in, but I don’t want to shed my germs all over everybody and ruin their holidays.

    • "That girl"

      Unfortunately my litigation deadlines don’t allow me to work from home today. I’m in my office behind a closed door avoiding everyone as much as possible and using lots of hand sanitizer. I also sound worse than I feel. I really hope you don’t get sick from me.

    • Meg March

      I’m on the opposite end. I was out sick yesterday, and my boss attorney (I’m a paralegal) told me that if I’m not feeling better, I should go home. This is very sweet, but I have limited time off and, at this point in the year, would have to take the day unpaid to go home. I am feeling better, so it’s a moot point, but he always suggests this and I just internally roll my eyes because it’s just not possible.

      • me too

        I always roll my eyes at this too. I would LOVE to stay home when I’m sick. But remember that time you didn’t give me any paid maternity leave and I had to use all my sick time and vacation for that? And part of it was still unpaid? Yeah imma be here, sick or not.

    • Jitterbug

      I feel that. I can tolerate a cold, but I’m going to be visiting my elderly grandparents this Christmas and if I gave them colds for Christmas I don’t want to think about what could happen. But as others have pointed out, sometimes you don’t have much of a choice. So wash your hands, use sanitizer as much as you can, and get a bottle of those Airborne (or Airshield) gummies – I have no idea if they actually work but g-darnit they’re delicious.

  15. Mer

    Quick manicure question. The salon I went to this weekend offers a free “chip fix” service, which I am taking advantage of tonight. Do I tip for this? Thanks, ladies!!

    • (Former) Clueless Summer

      Yes, your manicurist will be taking time away from paying clients/clients who tip. I’d tip depending on how long the repair takes…a few dollars up to 5?

    • Anonymous

      I don’t, but the salons I go to only offer this service within the first 48 hours. Since a manicure shouldn’t chip that quickly, I see it as them correcting a mistake (it is almost always the same person who gave me the original manicure) and I don’t tip for that, just like I wouldn’t tip for a hairstylist fixing a bad cut. If you’re taking advantage of this service 3 or 4 days after the original manicure, I’d probably tip a dollar or two.

      • Anon

        Are you getting a gel or shellac manicure or a regular manicure? Just curious because every manicure I have gotten that wasn’t shellac never had a no chip guarantee. It’s only with shellac where a manicure shouldn’t chip, not a regular manicure.

  16. hives question for the hive

    Out of nowhere, I started breaking out with hives all over my body. I saw an allergist and she put me on Zyrtec at night and Allegra during the day. This helps keep breakouts at bay, but they still come back when I wear certain sweaters, work out, or take a hot shower. And if I stop the meds, they come back with a vengeance and it’s intolerable.

    I have a follow up appointment with the allergist soon where she’ll run some tests. She said it could take several hours. She already assured me that it’s not a food allergy or an allergy to anything in my environment….

    So then, what is it? Not asking the hive to diagnose me, more just curious to hear if anyone else has had similarly mysterious hives and what it ended up being. It’s making me crazy!

    Zyrtec it making me gain weight, so I really hope she doesn’t just keep me on it forever (but I guess I’d rather be plump and hive-free than less plump and itchy).

    • Anonymous

      Could be heat related- are you taking showers as cool as you can stand it? Hives also tend strongly to be related to stress, so if you can work regular yoga/meditation/etc into your day that might help.

    • Emmer

      I’m not a doctor but it sounds like each thing you mentioned is heat-related…can you do some experimenting and turn down the heat on the shower, get a cold towel to use when you work out, and wear thinner clothes and see if the problem goes away?

    • lost academic

      I’ve known people who had this happen episodically because of heat/sweat. It did calm down after not too long. I think at least two people have taken a short course of steroids to calm the body’s reaction and essentially reset, you might see about that.

    • Mer

      Unfortunately I’ve struggled with this as well and after tons of testing, it turned out to be “idiopathic” – meaning chronic hives and they don’t know where it’s coming from. I’m sorry – I know how frustrating it can be. The things that help are taking a cocktail of allergy meds, and using very gentle products on your skin. Also keep showers on the cooler side, since hot water can flare things up. I hope it goes away soon!!

    • anonforthis

      Did you switch detergents recently? DH has a weak lavender allergy. Not a big deal until 3 days after clothes, sheets and pajamas are washed in lavender containing detergent.

      • Anon in NYC

        This could happen even if you’ve been using the same detergent for a while. If you’re not already, switch to one that is a “free and clear” type (I use Tide).

      • anomanom

        yes, this, Tide makes me break out in itchy bumps all over. I always freak out and think that it is flea bites (I have pets and a flea allergy). Nope, Tide.

        • lost academic

          I have an ex who told me that in med school, the first thing they teach you there is that if there’s a dermatitis at all to stop using Tide. Just period, don’t use Tide. And this clears up SO many problems.

          • anonforthis

            This is consistent with our experience. FWIW, DH has not had any reaction to All Free and Clear.

    • anon

      How large is the area affected? Could you do a topical Benadryl or something else? I used to have severe allergies (regularly lost vision with migraines caused by allergies) and was very dependent on both Claritin and Zyrtec. I gained about 10-15lbs over 2 years, and it slowed my digestive processes. Even cleaning up my diet and exercising didn’t budge the scale. There is some literature linking allergy medicine to weight gain. I had surgery on my sinuses to alleviate my symptoms, and after recovering, the weight melted off in 2 months without a change in my routines.

      Obviously your health is much more important that a few pounds on the scale, but I can empathize about some of the unexpected side effects. Also drink more water, anti-histamines are very drying.

    • Anonymous

      unscented laundry detergent and unscented dryer sheets. Avoid fleece and wool. Bathe/shower every second day in lukewarm water.

    • Macademia

      Zyrtec make me gain weight too but works the best of all the allergy medicines for me. I agree with the other posters that it might be related to heat. I’d also suggest switching to unscented soaps and lotions.

    • Philosophy girl

      In winter, the heat just dries up skin. Dry skin is cranky. Two things seem to fix this: moistureize and then apply a barrier. I like things for infants — the very thick aquaphor healing ointment, lansinoh (for b-feeding mothers, but the stuff will fix anything) b/c if it works on them, it should be safe for you. Vaseline if you get desperate.

      I also like cotton next to your skin. No wool for now. Wear an undershirt if that helps (not a cami, like a full tissue tee with long sleeves) and long johns at night (or cotton pants that are a bit loose). You want to keep that irritated skin in a lotion/barrier cave of sorts.

      Then no known bothering things: cats, wool, scents, etc.

      In a few days, your skin should calm down.

      I’ve had a couple of bouts of this in my life (and had babies go through really irritated skin in random places) and this seems to straighten things out.

      • Torin

        For really bad dry skin, I like baby oil as a moisturizer instead of lotion. OP in winter I don’t get hives, but dry skin makes me more susceptible to occasional eczema flareups, and I find the baby oil helps.

        • CountC

          I have terribly dry skin, even in the summer, and I swear by coconut oil. I buy the cheapest cooking grade I can find. Works great!

        • anon

          Yes I paid my dermatologist a $60 co-pay for him to tell me that LOTION is DRYING. That’s right. So now I use cream without any fragrances. Cerave or Cetaphil or CVS brand works great but still pricey.

          This used to happen to me on my face a couple of times and it was because the person I was dating, used Tide once. The other times they never really knew.

          Drink plenty of water too in the winter. We forget because we are not as thirsty. This helps me a lot.

    • Anon

      My daughter was plagued with “idiopathic” hives for years (I believe idiopathic is Latin for “we have no f-king idea”). She also got them after showers.

      We tried lots of different things but on a whim I bought her sulfate free shampoo and conditioner and no hives since. knock wood! You might give it a try. And I would also knock out the long, hot showers and try lukewarm quickies.

      • cbackson

        There is a name for this: acquagenic urticaria. My grandmother had it and I have bouts of it occasionally.

    • BB

      I had similar (still unsolved) bouts of hives/rashes over the past two years. Did they suggest putting you on a long course of prednisone at all? That was the only thing that finally kicked my worst outbreak (but took a 4 week course to do so). Second the suggestions to go to hypoallergenic products, and especially stay away from the “natural” ones because those may actually have more triggers. But FWIW, I did that too and still had issues a few months later.

      Also, how are they sure it’s not a food allergy if they haven’t skin tested you? Would be curious to know what your allergist does in terms of testing because mine offered a 30 minute skin test or a week long patch test.

      • Godzilla

        I’m also surprised they didn’t do a course of steroids if you’re layering two allergy meds like that. I’m sorry you’re suffering.

    • Anonymous

      Could it be stress? I got stress-hives all over my face before. Took some anti-inflammatory antibiotics for a couple of months, made sure I was getting enough sleep and dealt with the source of stress. Took a while to clear up. No idea if this is what’s going on with you, but don’t underestimate the power of the psychosomatic…

      • pugsnbourbon

        I get patches of stress hives too – used to flare up pretty frequently on my face, but lately they’ve been confined to my forearms. Keeping this moisturized and trying to reduce stress helps, but that’s easier said than done! I hope your testing gets you some answers, OP

    • So what's next?

      I broke out in sudden hives once and it was a bad reacting to the fabric softener, a product that I used for 25 years without incident. I haven’t used fabric softener since.

    • Hives

      I’ve been dealing with this for my toddler for the past 4-5 months! I’ve been to at least five doctors and specialist all of whom have thrown up their hands. Negative to allergies, virus and bacteria. Next step is blood work to rule out anything rare but serious.
      Zyrtec during the day and benedryl at night keeps the worst of the itching at bay. Oral steroids were the most helpful at relieving the spots, but is not recommended for a longer course for his age. Topical steroids are somewhat helpful. As is pure zinc oxide.
      Vanicream is a great moisturizer that is super gentle and easier to apply than some of the thick lotions.
      If you have to cover the spots, duoderm is a specialized bandage that the derm recommended.
      I also had a horrible pregnancy rash where pine tar soap provided some relief.
      Good luck!

    • Anonymous

      My mother had chronic hives and nothing really helped. Other than what’s been suggested (avoiding hot showers, avoiding scented anything, watching your detergents and fabrics, etc.), one thing that actually did help was taking vitamin C. This was suggested by her doctor, so you may want to talk to your doctor or look into vitamin C as another way to help.

    • southsider

      I had horrible hives that were barely controlled by medication and diagnosed as “idiopathic” for years by the top allergist in my area. The guy never thought to check food allergies…after a couple years of that mess I went to a doctor who DID look at food allergies, ran a bunch of tests and figured out my issues within a couple weeks. Now, as long as I avoid the foods to which I’m allergic, and try to only use fragrance-free/sensitive-skin projects, I’m good and get maybe one hive per month. And yes, these allergies can come on suddenly–mine came out of nowhere in 2009–literally one day I was totally fine, the next I was covered in hives all over my body.

      Bottom line: make sure you get tested for EVERYTHING, and do your own experimenting with changing the personal, beauty, and home products you use. Keep a journal and try to figure out correlations.

    • Anonymous

      I am going on two years of chronic ideopathic hives. Tried everything. Four (or five?) rounds of prednisone, 12 different prescription medications. I had a pill box I would fill up every Sunday morning with a week’s worth of pills. I had all the tests and saw all the specialists.

      I ended up getting 5 rounds of Xolair injections to get the beast under control. Now, I’m on 1 zyrtec per day, 2 if they breakout. With the Xolair injections, I also did the “saltwater” cure by Sam in this forum:

      http://www.topix.com/forum/health/hives/T3JE7RJD4S1FFOBUM

      If I stopped the saltwater while on Xolair, the hives would come back. A few days before my next Xolair injection, the hives would come back. If it’s a placebo, it’s a placebo that works.

      Also, watch the documentary “Fat Sick and Nearly Dead”. It’s a juicing infomercial but the people in it have CIU too.

      FWIW, I’m planning to change out of my law career because stress and working more usually cause a breakout for me. So does getting any exercise more strenuous than walking. I’m part-time now and still get occasional breakouts.

      I’m so sorry you have this. It’s awful. It’s painful and distressing. Please take care of yourself first. See if you can get short-term disability and take a break from work.

  17. Anon

    Nothing specific to add, other than my experience with my allergies is that they can get very ramped up and sensitive – once they’re on “high alert”, minor things that wouldn’t usually be a problem sudden cause a big reaction. It becomes a vicious cycle and one I can usually only end by taking Benadryl for several nights in a row and then tapering off (every other night, every third, etc), and being very careful about allergens for a few weeks. Different from your situation though in that I know I am allergic to a lot of environmental factors.

    How long has this been going on? In my experience, once my immune system is agitated, it stays sensitive for anywhere from a couple weeks to a month or two.

  18. Winter Shoes

    Apparently I don’t know what shoes to wear to work in the winter. When it’s less cold, I wear regular flats and sometimes pumps. I find the exposed part of my foot gets too cold in both of those, and now I have no idea what to wear. I have one pair of flat black riding boots (sleek, office appropriate, wearing them today). I have two pairs of heeled booties, which I would wear except that I’ve grown to hate heels most of the time. Is there such a thing as office appropriate flat booties? Is there some shoe I am missing?

    • Sloan Sabbith

      Dillard’s has an entire section on their website for flat booties. A lot of them are too casual, but some of them look like they would fit the bill-especially the Coach ones.

    • Anon

      I wear skirts and dresses exclusively in the winter because then I can wear flat knee high boots. I’ve yet to find a pair of flat booties that don’t make me look like an elf helping santa at the mall when worn with a skirt/dress.

      • OP

        Yes, I think you have identified the problem I have. I wear mostly skirts/dresses. The flat knee high boots I am wearing today are fine. The booties I already own– with a heel– also look fine. But flat booties make me look like an overdressed leprechaun.

    • Anonymous

      What do people in Russia do? I always think that the ladies there stay chic in temperatures where I give up fashion and just go for warmth.

      I have a feeling that the answer is boots.

      • commenter

        fur lined boots! I used to live in Russia and remember most of the women wearing extremely chic black knee high or ankle boots that are lined with fur. usually with a tottering heel, but sometimes flat. my mother had a pair while we lived there.

    • Bonnie

      That’s what boots are for. I wear suede knee high boots with skirts and dresses and booties with pants and jeans.

    • Hermione

      Depends how cold it is. I’m in Scotland and have been in brogues (proper ones with a .75 inch heel) since late October. Having the top of my foot covered makes all the difference and means that I can wear proper ankle socks.

  19. shopping

    Could this blazer be styled in a work-appropriate way? I’ve lost enough weight that I finally have a waist again. I’m thinking this blazer with a conservative sheath that is slightly fitted. But I have a hard time revisioning things from one setting to a different way of wearing them.
    http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/missguided-belted-blazer/4453380?origin=related-4453380-0-2-FTR-Data_Lab_Recommendo_V2-recently_viewed_v3&recs_type=related&recs_productId=4453380&recs_categoryId=0&recs_productOrder=2&recs_placementId=FTR&recs_source=Data_Lab_Recommendo_V2&recs_strategy=recently_viewed_v3&recs_referringPageType=item_page

      • shopping

        Thanks. I don’t need more trips to the mall–that’s what shopping online is supposed to prevent.

  21. Torin

    Ha! Yes Kat, I do think of exactly that when anyone talks about puffed sleeves.

  22. Calling all cat moms!

    I’m adopting a rescue this week and am drawing a complete blank on the name. She’s a tortie and I’m an environmental scientist so I’d love something nature-related. If you’re a cat mom, could you inspire me by sharing the name you chose? Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      Rachel Carson, Rachel for short. Love the idea of naming a cat after a defender of birds.

      • OP

        She has the same name as my daughter – Maddie! So I’d like to rename her. Thanks for the list, Bonnie.

      • anon for this

        my shelter tortie who just crossed the rainbow bridge this weekend was named Margaret Catwood. she was an awesome cat.

    • cbackson

      What about Rosalind, for Rosalind Franklin, since torties are genetically interesting? Or Elsie (Franklin’s middle name)? That’s not so nature-y, I guess, but I thought of it immediately.

    • Amanda

      Mine was named Nuno at the shelter – ugh! And she’s a girl cat. I renamed her Sofie and my niece told me she is actually Princess Sofia (after the cartoon). It is so fitting for her.

    • Amanda

      My comment is in moderation, but my cat’s name is Sofie – more details when it’s out.

    • Meg March

      My cat is blind in one eye, which is clouded over, so her name is Cumulonimba (my language-loving husband insisted on the female -a instead of cumulonimbus) and we call her Nimby (or Nims or Nomnom or Kitty or….)

    • New Tampanian

      My little tortie girl is Zoey. I call her Zo Zo for short (which isn’t shorter, I realize).

    • Pesh

      Terra (short for Terrapin, since you’re a turtle specialist, and also Terra being a derivative term for the earth). I loooove Torties!

      Also, as a kitten foster, I highly recommend S’Wheat Scoop litter. It’s all natural and flushable, no chemicals, no dust. I’ve tried just about every type of litter over the years while fostering and this is by far my favorite!

    • A

      I have two grey tabbys I named Tesla and Edison. I got the female (Tesla) first. If I had gotten another female instead of a male I would have named her Curie after Marie Curie.

  23. AKB

    End of year performance review, and the theme is…maternity leave is “vacation”, and I am receiving a good review in spite of having a baby this year. I am so tired of this. Goodbye 2016. Don’t let the door hit you…

    • Meredith Grey

      I spend so much time worrying about this. Kind of affirming to hear this is something that exists for other people and not in my head. Sorry you have to deal with it!

    • Delta Dawn

      I once received a review that said “despite missing part of the year for maternity leave (side note, we don’t HAVE maternity leave, it was all burning vacation time), Delta did a great job last year.” Uh… thanks?

    • Whitney

      My old boss referred to my maternity leave as my “vacation” for two years. She even knew I had suffered from pretty debilitating PPD while out on leave (I got 7 weeks paid and returned after 8 weeks). I feel you and I am sorry you are going through it.

    • SoCalAtty

      My old company announced promotions in December, before I came back from mat leave in January last year. When asked why I wasn’t promoted, I was told “well you were on maternity leave when they were finalized, so you have to wait until next year.”

      That’s…not how it works.

  24. Anon

    Does anyone have experience with the jewelry brand Mejuri? I love their style and want to get a few items, but haven’t seen any of their stuff in person. Thoughts? Thanks!

  25. Anonymous

    Grr, I’m so annoyed at Old Navy. I placed an order on Dec. 9 with guaranteed arrival by 12/23. It hasn’t shipped yet, so obviously it’s not looking good that it’ll get here by the 23rd. I’ve contacted their customer service and haven’t received a reply. Is this just a fluke or is anyone else having problems?

    • nona

      I’ve had similar issues with GAP, Banana Republic and Athleta since Black Friday. Had a BR order that took 2 weeks to ship. Also had my first wrong shipment (ever?) from Gap. And do a lot of online ordering from them.

    • anon

      I’m having that issue with AG, ordered pants for my SO on 12/9, still haven’t shipped and I paid for expedited shipping. Their customer service said they would “guarantee” them by Friday, too bad we will both be with our families in another state by then.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I ordered things about 2 weeks before Thanksgiving and 1 item was backordered but supposed to ship by 11/23. I received everything else as normal. December 5th rolls around and I realize that I still hadn’t been notified of a shipping date and there was no info besides “backordered” on my account. I emailed customer service and got a response 2 days later with an estimated ship date. They finally shipped this past Friday and are due to be delivered to me this Friday. I know backorder dates aren’t exact, but an entire month behind schedule without any proactive update from them was annoying.

    • Me Too

      Also ordered from Old Navy on the 9th (think maybe there was a dress featured here that day?), and it still says “pending shipment.” I’ve pretty much given up on it arriving this week, or even at all. I’ve ordered online from them before and it’s usually slow even during non holiday time and items seem to ship erratically and separately which drives me nuts. I always get lured in by the low prices when I’m between sizes and then vow never to order anything again.

  26. Don't Be A Jerk

    PSA: If someone is wearing a hospital mask on a plane, there’s a good chance they’re having a tough time and don’t need your snark and nasty looks. But feel free to not sit next to them, they don’t want to sit next to you either.

    Planes are nasty and half of you are probably carrying something that will knock me out for a month if I catch it. Stop looking at me like I’m putting you in danger. I don’t care about you, quite frankly. This is self-preservation.

      • Don't Be A Jerk

        How is this being a jerk? People are usually not wearing masks on public transportation to protect others. They’re protecting themselves. Therefore, self-preservation. You can ask to not sit next to people on the plane if you so choose.

        • ugh

          Wearing a mask does not make you a jerk, at all. Lashing out like you did in your comment is what people are reacting to.

    • Anon

      Wait – what?? When I see people on the subway or planes or wherever wearing a mask, I assume it’s bc THEY need it; not be they are trying to prevent others from catching a cold. And I always assume they need it for a MAJOR reason — like there is a severe immune compromise issue or something. Isn’t that always the case — at least in the US; I know in Asian countries, sometimes a mask is for prevention.

      • Don't Be A Jerk

        Yeah, that’s the logical thing to think. Turns out a lot of people assume it’s because the person wearing it is deathly ill.

        • Mindy

          Odd. In Asia, ppl wear it if they have the sniffles. In winter, almost half of the people in public are wearing one.

      • Jitterbug

        I was once told that in Japan, people wear masks when they’re sick to keep their germs contained. That said, if someone’s wearing a mask on a plane, I’m not going to be a jerk to them because why would I? They’re sick, show them compassion, even if you’re nervous on the inside.

    • anon in SV

      This is totally normal in Asia. When I went to Asia last year, about a third of the people were wearing face masks on the plane, and another third or so on any public transportation in the country. I thought this was genius.

    • Anonymous

      I do kind of wonder about people in masks. Like am I at risk? I get that there are people who just wear them, but on the chance that they have something and are flying b/c they have to (funeral to go to, someone is dying, etc.), I do kind of wonder b/c it is not the norm. Sort of like people who are sick come in to work, maybe they are trying to be considerate of others.

      • Don't Be A Jerk

        As a person with a pulmonary chronic illness, it’s a recommendation that everyone with this condition wear a mask on public transport to protect us.

      • Anonymous

        I think 99% of people in masks are trying to protect themselves. And even if they did have something, you’re much less likely to get sick from them than you are from some random person who’s not wearing a mask. Plenty of people fly with the flu or a cold, most do so without a mask.

    • Anon

      Did you just say that I should feel free not to sit next to you on the plane?? Typically, I don’t have much of a choice there. You could feel free not to fly? I would rather not be in close quarters with you.

        • ELS

          I think she doesn’t want to sit next to you because of your irrational anger at people who had nothing to do with whatever rudeness you experienced today.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

      Meh. My husband wears a mask on a plane because of non-contagious nose issues. If he doesn’t wear one on a long flight, he gets nose bleeds. Would you rather sit next to someone wearing a mask or someone with blood gushing from their nose?

    • Don't Be A Jerk

      Nearly every post on here is someone asking “the Hive!” for advice about something. Sorry I violated the unwritten rules of the precious Hive by noting an annoyance. Let’s talk more about name changes!

      • Anon

        Or maybe just write your rant but include some basic decency? Do you get the hypocrisy of titling your post “Don’t Be A Jerk” and then going on to say “I don’t care about you, quite frankly”? That’s why you’re getting some eye rolls.

        • Anon

          Sometimes, it’s not what you say but how you say it. Your post and follow-up replies are all way more angry sounding than the situation warrants. And what you’re saying is pretty ridiculous too – “everyone should care about me but I don’t care about anyone.”

      • Anon

        Maybe instead of assuming we’ve all had an unfair reaction to your post, actually consider for a moment what people are saying. I know it’s easy to go on the defense, but actually think about what people are trying to point out.

    • Anon

      To give you some context, in East Asia you will often see people with the masks on and it is interpreted as I am sick and do not want to get anyone else sick. So the complete opposite of how it is viewed in NA (I.e. I don’t want to catch anything from you).

      Planes are a hard place no matter what the situation. Pets, Strangers in my Bubble Space, smelly foods.
      Let’s just cut everyone a little bit of slack.

    • anon

      If they are a jerk, you can stick out your tongue at them without repercussions?

    • Anonymous

      Quite frankly, I wish wearing hospital masks in public was a trend that would catch on more. It is a really good idea for a lot of reasons. Sorry people gave you looks.

      • Anon

        If you’re a completely healthy person there is literally no reason to want to wear a hospital mask in public. If you’re sick or if you’re immunocompromised and more likely to get sick, yes. Otherwise, what??

  27. Kept my maiden name

    Ugh. I work at a small law firm in a niche practice area. I got married on the 10th and yesterday was my first day back to work since my wedding and honeymoon. When I got back there was a notification that my email address had been changed, there was a new name plate on my desk, my profile on the website was changed and I had new business cards in place of the old ones. Both of these had my last name as my husband’s name. I didn’t take my husband’s name and never said anything about doing so. I was never even asked if I was going to or not, everyone just assumed because apparently “every woman who has ever gotten married while working here changed her name”. That’s fine if they chose to do that but I didn’t. I’ve spent the last two days getting everything switched back and it was a major headache. I don’t mind that a few people have sent us Christmas cards that say Mr and Mrs HusbandsLastName because I’m assuming good intentions that they didn’t know and weren’t trying to be malicious, but I am ticked off that my law firm made all those changes without consulting me and then acted surprised and annoyed that I didn’t change my name like everyone else.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      That’s super weird and annoying. What an awkward decision for them to make without your input.

    • lost academic

      Ugh, I need to get around to legally changing my name (just going to add my husbands’ so he shuts up about it) but I do not have a single plan to change my name at work or at all professionally. And now I’m worried.

      • Cat

        Depending on your industry — do you need to go by your legal name professionally? It may be easier to keep your name as-is legally, and just go by Husband’s socially, if that’s your preference.

        • Anonymous

          This. If you change it legally, you may need to use it professionally. Don’t change it legally but introduce yourself to friends and neighbors as “Mr and Mrs. HusbandsLast”.

    • Kept my maiden name

      Thanks everyone. You have really helped because I was feeling like I was in the twilight zone here at work. I always saw my workplace as sane and normal before this. I mean my husband’s great aunt sent us a Christmas card with my name changed on the address and our new neighbors brought us cookies and a card with our last name as his, but that didn’t bother me at all. This really does. My husband couldn’t believe it, he thought it was super weird too.

      • Torin

        So many people hyphenate too. It just doesn’t make any sense to assume you know what a woman’s name will be after she’s married.

        • Kept my maiden name

          That happened a lot to my sister-in-law when she got married. They didn’t even bother to hyphenate mine. Everyone outside of my workplace has immediately apologized when they realized they had used the wrong name, it’s only here at my firm where they are acting like I am the weird one.

          • Torin

            Since my boyfriend moved in I have started receiving junk mail addressed to The Hislastname Household. I have never, not once, received a piece of junk mail addressed to The Mylastname Household.

            F*ck off with the assumptions, society; it’s irritating.

      • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

        Yeah chiming in that this is a dumb assumption to make.

    • Anon

      Is this real? That’s crazy. How did they know your husband’s last name? I don’t think my coworkers even know my husband’s last name but then they also didn’t attend my wedding.

      • Kept my maiden name

        Most likely it was from Facebook when they looked up our photos after the wedding. I couldn’t believe it when I got back yesterday.

        • Anonymous

          Yeah, this is psycho behavior on your law firm’s behalf. It takes at least a month to change your name with most state bars, and you can’t practice law under any name other than your legal name, so why would your law firm take the liberty of doing that????

    • Anon

      Ugh the last name wars. I also didn’t change my name and apparently this was upsetting to other people (who knew my choice could affect others so deeply?/sarcasm). Unfortunately “others” seem to need your husband’s permission for this to be ok. If I wanted to end a conversation about it I would say “my family name is very meaningful to me, and my husband is fully supportive of my keeping it.”

      This generally worked on everyone but my mother in law, who I am happy to call my ex mother in law, who VERY passively-aggressively found occasions to send me mail addressed to me only using my first name and my husband’s last name. Like, a Halloween card, an Arbor Day card, etc. Any excuse to send me an envelope with the wrong name. It was ridiculous. (And no, she was not otherwise a big card-sender)

      All I could think was that my not changing my name made other people really consider why they decided to change their own names (which I don’t care about, honestly) and then needed to reaffirm that they were right to do so by pushing on me to tell me I was wrong. Long live the patriarchy.

      • Kept my maiden name

        Your ex mother-in-law sounds terrible. So sorry you had to put up with that. I feel blessed to have a great mother-in-law every time I hear horror stories about awful ones.

        No one in either of our families has said anything. His great aunt sent us a Christmas card with only his last name but she was very apologetic when she found out.

      • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

        I was surprising that many of my supposed friends cared when I didn’t change my name. I got accused of making a political/feminist statement and even not taking my marriage seriously. Neither of those were true in my case-it was more that it didn’t seem like it was worth the hassle. And my husband favored me not changing my name. So easy decision.

      • Odin

        I also kept my last name–I actually thought it would be less dramatic than hyphenating (you wouldn’t know I broke the patriarchal mode unless you knew me and my husband, in which case, it probably isn’t a shock). Still plenty of drama.

      • Not That Anne, The Other Anne

        One of my coworkers has this problem! She hyphenated her name after not wanting to change it at all, so she’s Jane Smith-Jones. Her mother in law always introduces her as Jane Jones, writes things to Jane Jones, etc. When Jane nicely corrects this, her MIL has been known to disagree with her. “Actually, it’s Jane Smith-Jones.” “No, your name is Jane Jones.”

      • AnonBK

        Anon, this is interesting. I know a lot of people who kept their names (New York liberals) but even in these cases, now that I think about it, it does seem like people checked in to see how the guy felt about it/whether he gave his assent. So, progress, but we all still live with the old expectations.

      • ChangedHerName

        Those cards would have been returned to sender. No one here by that name!

    • CMT

      Oh my god, I would be furious!!! But not changing names after marriage is the hill I choose to die on (and I know that not everybody feels that way).

      • Anonymous

        I mean, I changed my name but the assumption that someone could not possibly do anything else is just insane and so, so sexist.

      • Anon

        +1 to this. I can’t even imagine.

        I did change my name after getting married and my employer wouldn’t change any of my personnel files/email address/business cards until I’d submitted legal proof that I’d actually changed my name, so even from a procedural standpoint, it’s weird that they would do this.

        • Anonymous

          Yes, this! My employer wouldn’t change my name until I showed them my new social security card.

        • nutella

          Yes, so strange. And I’m pretty sure in most states that you cannot practice law under a new name until it is changed on your bar license. At my old firm at least, they were strict that your email address had to match your bar records so there was no “I’ll change my name for family but keep my maiden name professionally” like actors can do!

          I’m changing my name but I would be creeped out and angry that it was assumed and sad that it wasn’t at my direction.

      • Sydney Bristow

        This is absolutely the hill I would choose to die on. I can’t believe they just assumed you’d be changing your name, let alone didn’t even mention it to you ahead of time.

    • Anonymous

      Do you work at my ex-firm? But seriously, that is crazy and straight out of the 1950s. I was annoyed when I received a card inviting us to my firm’s holiday party addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. [Husband’s First] [My Last]” (they didn’t know my husband has a different last name), because I didn’t like the assumption that we shared a last name and I also don’t like being known professionally as “Mrs. Husbands’ Name” (in social situations, I’m fine with it but at work I don’t like to be identified just by husband). But what your firm did is WAY worse. Gaaaaaah. I would be so livid.

      • Kept my maiden name

        I hear you about the difference between social and work. I honestly wasn’t bothered at all that our new neighbors who met my husband once in passing and never met me wrote his last name for both of us on a card, but I am beyond ticked at my workplace for making such an assumption.

      • anon for this

        When we were talking to the DJ for our wedding a few days before the big day, the DJ made this big deal about how he’d introduce us as “[Mr. and Mrs. John Smith]!!!” And I was not amused. I had purposely had all the invitations addressed to list all adults separately by name. My husband joked, “actually, can you say [John Smith] and property?” DJ’s turn to not be amused.

    • Anonymous

      This is insane. I think I would have quit on the spot, to be honest. There’s nothing wrong with taking your husband’s name if that’s what you want, but the fact that they can’t even fathom anything different to the point that they would change everything without your input is so crazy and way too far over the line. (And sexism aside, I find the Facebook stalking super creepy! Why are they so concerned about your personal life?! Do you live in a super small town or something?)

      • Kept my maiden name

        Name change thing aside, to be fair to them a few people expressed interest in seeing photos and I told them we would have an album up on Facebook. So it wasn’t stalking on their part.

    • Senior Attorney

      WHAT?!!? That is crazy. Seriously just cray. Like a Twilight Zone episode!

    • Blonde Lawyer

      It doesn’t excuse the behavior but I wonder if they thought they were doing this big nice surprise for you. They were saving you the hassle of having to do all the name change stuff by doing it for you. When they realized they were wrong, instead of being embarrassed and apologizing they double downed and expected you to be thankful for the gesture.

    • Anonymous

      Instead of doing anything to change your name back, you should have filed a formal complaint with Human Resources or the office manager stating that your personal data had been breached, and that you were concerned about identity theft or fraud. Underline formal complaint. No one should be able to change your personal data without your approval. One serious complaint (don’t even acknowledge that you got married) will put a stop to this for good.

      • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

        I think this is an extreme reaction, but definitely not unfounded. No one should be changing your HR records without your explicit permission.

      • Anonymous

        Yes, making things up (did she say anything about ID theft or fraud?) is always a good way to go. And filing an unfounded complaint is especially advisable when you are an attorney.

        Don’t give advice, please.

      • shopping

        No comment on the legal issues, but finding some way of putting it back in the firm’s court (and OUT of hers) is needed. HR sounds like a reasonable way to do that.

        • lawsuited

          Going to HR and saying: “It looks like you incorrectly assumed I was changing my last name to X. I am actually keeping my last name as Y. Please change my email to Y, and return my previous name plate and business cards.” would also achieve this without the dramatics.

  28. Anonymous

    Does anyone have a recommendation for a therapist in Austin who takes health insurance? A friend of mine is having trouble tracking one down.

    Thank you in advance for your thoughts!

  29. ladder climber

    I posted yesterday about asking for a raise and promotion. Had my review and sensed that they were just trying to get through the evaluations. They seemed surprised a little that I brought up ‘tracking towards promotion’ and did not really address it, again, because I think they were just trying to wrap them up. Nor was there even any constructive criticism, it was just fluff and nice compliments. So I am going to schedule a one-on-one with my boss to talk about it more, using a lot of the language suggested here, so thank you!! In the meantime, I already planted the seed by saying ‘promotion’ so it won’t be a surprise when we sit down and I’m hoping in the meantime she is thinking about how much I am contributing – which they brought up yesterday – and how scr3wed they would be without me :)

    All this is to say, thanks for the advice everyone – I wrote a script already using a lot of the suggestions!

    • Meg March

      Thanks for the update– I was hoping it was going to go well for you! Good luck with the promotion talk.

  30. Baltimore Getaway

    Looking for recommendations for a good weekend getaway for couples within a few hours of Baltimore. My parents are coming to visit in February, and have promised us that they will babysit the kids for a night or two so that we can go away (and sleep…we are going to sleep so much). My ideal would be a cozy inn in a scenic area, with good food nearby, since we are looking to relax and not do all the things. Suggestions for specific inns/hotels particularly welcome! Thanks in advance.

  31. anonymous

    As a bride, how would you phrase your invitations if you lost your father? (Mother not remarried.) Traditional would be my mom doing the inviting with no mention of my father. You can sort of hybrid it to mention a late father but it gets weird with the deceased inviting. More modern would be we as a couple invite, “together with their families” or “Me, daughter of Jane and the late John Doe” and “Him, son of” doing the inviting. We are paying for most of the wedding but my mother is contributing a lot. (We can pay for our own wedding entirely and she could pay for our entire wedding if it were smaller, too. Actually, she could probably also pay for it entirely as is, but that is not an ask I want to make, especially when we can afford it.) I sort of fall both ways on this; I very much miss my father and am sad he will not be there but I also know he won’t be forgotten because his name is not specifically on the invitation and he will be remembered in other ways. What have others done in this scenario?

    • Anonymous

      Invitations come from the living: Your Mom requests the honor of your presents at the wedding of her daughter to That Guy (no mention of his parents).

      Announcements in the paper mention you as daughter of Your Mom and the late Your Dad.

    • Senior Attorney

      If your mom is a traditional sort, you could have your mom do the inviting but in her hyper-traditional married name, which Mrs. your dad’s name: “Mrs. John Doe requests the honor of your presence at the marriage of her daughter…” Only problem is that then her first name disappears.

    • anon for this

      My personal feeling is that invitations are not announcements and they are from the living.
      But my widowed MIL did not feel that way, so our invitation referred to my husband as “John Smith, son of Mary Smith and the late Robert Smith.”

    • Anonymous

      In your situation, I would probably say “Together with their families, Jane Doe and John Smith invite you…” if your mom is ok with that wording.

    • Meredith Grey

      I’d suggest wording it based on who you’d consider “hosting” the event, regardless of how the receipt is being itemized. Looking at the division of costs, who do you consider is hosting the event? You guys or your mom? If your are the host of your event, I’d do the language of You, Daughter of Mom and Late Dad, and Fiance, Son of… and go from there. If your mother is the hostess, I’d suggest language like- Mrs. Mom invites you to celebrate the marriage of Anonymous to Fiance, Son of…. My personal feelings are it’s ok that that version doesn’t include your Father’s name on the invitation because I tend to agree that the actual function of an invitation is that it is from the living.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I like “Together with their families” and that’s what we used. My husband’s parents are still together but my parents are divorced, dad remarried and stepmom was involved, and mother was not even invited.

    • Anonymous

      I’d talk to your mom about it. I think how she feels about it and how you feel about it is more important than being technically correct from a manner/etiquette perspective. My husband’s father was deceased when we married and my parents paid for the wedding in its entirety so we did:

      Mom Name and Dad Name request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter, My Name to DH’s Name, son of MIL Name and the late FIL.

      I think that’s actually technically correct because my deceased FIL wasn’t inviting, he was just being identified as the parent of the groom.

      In your case,teh best option might be: Your Name, daughter of Mom’s Name and the late Dad’s Name, and DH’s Name, son of MIL/FIL, Together with their Families request the honour of your presence at their marriage – date/time etc.

    • Socksberg

      This just came up on my family, although it’s my brother’s wedding. They handled it by having the living parents listed at the top, and then further down, where the names of the couple are listed, after my brother’s name it said Son of (Deceased Father). Not sure if that is the standard way of handling it or just my family getting creative.

    • Anonymous

      We had a complicated family situation and hosted our own wedding. Our invitations were worded:

      The honour of your presence is requested at the marriage of

      Miss Firstname Lastname

      to

      Mr. Firstname Lastname

    • OP anonymous

      OP here- if WE are inviting “together with our families” does that mean it has to be my first, middle, and last name? Like Jane Mary Smith and John Michael Doe? (I know traditional is Jane Mary & John Michael Doe where bride has no last name because her parents do the inviting and their last names are above.) I ask because my names are all very long and all three of his names total 11 letters and spacing looks very weird trying to cram my name in.

      • Tradition

        Yes, it’s traditionally first, middle, last for both. You could also put Mr. in front of his (or if he’s a doctor or reverend, you can spell out that whole word, which would help with your spacing). And you don’t HAVE to do any of this if you don’t want to! Leave your middle name out if you want!

    • Tradition

      You can of course deviate from this, but traditionally, the invitation comes from the host. In other words, who is paying for the wedding? Traditionally, if the bride’s family pays for the wedding, the invitation says

      Mr. and Mrs. John Doe
      request the honor of your presence
      at the marriage of their daughter
      Daughter Middle
      to
      Mr. Husband Middle Last
      son of Mr. and Mrs. Father Last

      And if any of those hosts are not hosting, like if the bride’s father has passed away, and just the mother is hosting, then:

      Mrs. John Doe (could also substitute her first name if she prefers)
      requests the honor of your presence
      at the marriage of her daughter
      Daughter Middle
      etc. etc.

      If both families are paying for the wedding together, then traditionally the invitation reads:

      Together with their families
      Daughter Middle Doe
      and
      Husband Middle Last
      request the honor of your presence
      at their marriage

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

      I know I am going against what everyone else here has said, and maybe I am unknowingly new age or something, but I find it ever so slightly odd when the invitation comes from anyone other than the bride and groom.

      • Senior Attorney

        You are definitely unknowingly new age. The invitation traditionally comes from the person or persons who are hosting the event. Traditionally, that was the parents of the bride, where “hosting” = throwing the party. The bride and groom (again, traditionally) are the guests of honor in the same way the debutante is the guest of honor at a debutante ball and the birthday person is the guest of honor at a birthday party because a wedding was traditionally a party that was thrown BY the parents FOR the wedding couple.

        • Senior Attorney

          These days, of course, the wedding couple are likely to be the hosts.

  32. Gift for part-time New Yorker?

    Dear Hive,

    Seeking gift ideas for my MIL who just bought an apartment in NYC and will travel there regularly from California. She is in her 60s and loves art, food, culture….Think she already has memberships to most museums. Any ideas of something particularly useful/fun for recent NYC transplant?

    • anon

      Fresh Direct delivery pass (a fee you pay every 3 months to allow unlimited grocery deliveries). Even if she eats out for dinner every night, can be lovely for her to be able to order yogurt, fruit, snacks, wine, whatever other groceries to be delivered whenever she’s in town.

    • Anonymous

      I would get her gifts to make travel easier/more comfortable. But that is some serious bank to drop on a part-time residence (unless by “NYC” you mean “edges of outer boroughs and has roommates”).

        • Anonymous at 12:58

          All I meant was that she might already be flying first class or have other incredibly luxurious travel arrangements, so my thought of a neck pillow might be completely useless.

        • Sarabeth

          Well, it might make buying gifts harder, since it sounds like she can buy herself more or less whatever she wants!

          • shopping

            Yep, those are hard people to buy for. Does that mean you don’t want to give them that feeling of someone caring?

    • Senior Attorney

      OMG she is living my dream! SO FUN!!

      Since she’s from California, maybe some cold weather gear like beautiful gloves or warm hat?

      • Brunette Elle Woods

        Definitely warm weather items if she is spending winters there. Maybe a nice hate/glove/scarf set.

    • shopping

      A bathrobe that’s a little bit fancy with a tongue-in-cheek note about her being queen of the castle (although when I did this for my sister, leaving it on her bed, she didn’t think it was funny–she broke into tears of gratitude and relief, I’m told)

      One of those jigsaw puzzles with a map of her area and the middle piece shaped like a house, right where she lives. Include mat and frame if you’d like.

      Does she know how to dress in cold weather? Obviously I’d heard of sweaters, long johns, and cords, but when I first lived in a place where I’d be commuting in the cold a lot, learning about body suits and fleece tights and the warmth of wearing two pairs of regular tights were real revelations to me.

      I love anon at 12:55’s idea

      Monthly boxes of something you’d have in a place you lived fulltime, like flowers, or seasonal decor, if her travels will be regular enough to get the deliveries easily.

      When my parents got their snowbird house, they were stunned at how they nearly lived at Home Depot, Bed, Bath, and Beyond, and The Container Store, getting tools, a stepstool, little organizing thingies, cleaning supplies… She can obviously afford all that, but maybe find a way to get a good bundle of what she’s going to need starting brand new with nothing moved from the old place. (TCS has suggestions on their website)

      Do the legwork to find good cleaning or repair service and pay for the first few months (the legwork being the real gift)

      The AIA guide to New York City or one of these http://store.aia.org/search?type=product&q=new+york

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