ByKat Hours Updated
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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Knit Tank Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This knit dress from Ming Wang is available in plus sizes, pictured (0X–3X) and regular sizes (XS–XL). It resists wrinkles and is machine washable, and I think if you're on the hunt for a splurge-y black dress in plus sizes, this could be the one. The description for straight sizes recommends, “If between sizes, order one size down,” but this version is noted to be true to size. Knit Tank Dress Two options on the more affordable side are this Three Dots dress (regular sizes) that's on sale at 6pm and this dress from Como Vintage at Nordstrom Rack. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

318 Comments

  1. Has anyone researched the pros/cons to taking birth control pills continuously or for three or four months in between periods? I’ve taken the pill in the normal way (3 weeks of hormones, 1 week period) for years without problems. I’m considering taking multiple months continuously to avoid PMS and am just starting my research into this. Any resources you’ve found helpful would be appreciated.

    1. I’ve taken birth control pills continuously for about 8-10 years. Talk to your doctor about it.

      1. Same here. My doctor said no biological reason to have a period every 3 weeks.

    2. I do it sometimes, like so I can avoid having a period over a vacation or event. Haven’t had any issues.

    4. I have the Mirena and haven’t really had a period in like a decade. It’s awesome.

      1. How to do you like Mirena? I am looking into an IUD (tired of taking pills everyday), and Mirena looks like a good fit for me, but I’ve never had kids. Did you notice any weight gain, acne increase, etc.?

        1. Can’t speak for this Anonymous, but I also had a Mirena and didn’t get my period for something like seven years. It was fabulous and I didn’t notice any side effects. But it is super painful going in, I’m not going to lie, definitely ask your doctor for a muscle relaxant. But individual mileage definitely differs, I know some people have a tough time with Mirena, but that’s true for every kind of BC.

          (Note, I’ve never had kids either. My doctor said that the old “requirement” that you only get it after you’ve had a child is because of a [very unlikely] complication that can cause infertility and it was about managing liability rather than any medical reason why childless women couldn’t have a Mirena).

        2. I’m also a different Anon, and I’m on my second Mirena. I’ve had Mirena (combined) for almost six years and I love it. I haven’t had a period since I had it inserted. Agree with the poster above – I’ve never had kids and insertion was super painful both times, but it was worth it.

          I haven’t noticed any weight gain or acne related to the Mirena. My skin is very clear and always has been, and while I have gained weight, that’s really due to very bad eating, and I’ve recently lost 20 pounds through diet, so I don’t think the Mirena had anything to do with it.

        3. YMMV, but after a bad experience with Mirena I ended up choosing to go with an implant. They’re now rated for four years, so similar to hormonal IUDs, and the insertion process was way, way easier. (I’m on my second Nexplanon and the second removal/insertion was more painful, but still nothing on Mirena for me.)

          Have had no weight gain or acne increase.

          1. I had a bad experience with Mirena as well (major acne and weight gain). I switched to Paraguard and have no issues (other than a heavy period).

          2. Like BeenThatGuy, I also experienced weight gain with the Mirena, although everyone, including my doctor, swears it doesn’t cause weight gain. My OB-GYN did say that it can make you tired, which I experienced as well. I had it taken out after almost a year. I wish it would have worked out for me. It was great not having to take pills or have a cycle.

        4. I also have a Mirena, and it is truly one of the best things I own. I love not having a period. But the insertion process was legitimately one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. When I get mine replaced, I’m definitely demanding a muscle relaxant.

        5. Love my Mirena. Haven’t had a period in six years (I’m on my second one). No issues with weight gain or acne. The insertion was painful, but I wouldn’t say it was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. For whatever reason it hurt more the second time, and I had vicious cramps for longer after insertion that time too, but still not the most painful thing ever. How painful it is seems to vary quite a bit woman to woman and Mirena to Mirena.

    5. I’ve done so for close to 15 years. It’s old news in the OB-gyn world and completely settled science. The bcpill was deliberately designed with the 1 week bleeding under the belief that women would want their periods as reassurance (read Malcolm Gladwell’s description) but there was no scientific reason to have done so. Honestly I’m kind of surprised this is new news to some. Assuming you have no medical contraindications to being on the pill, there’s no reason not to do this.

    6. I did it to skip my period during my wedding and honeymoon. It took a couple cycles to “work,” and I had a lot of spotting. But, I’m also on sprinolactane, which causes spotting.

    7. My doctor has also told me it’s safe. However, I’ve had trouble doing it. Instead of just getting a quick and easy period for three days (if I take the break between packs), I just spot continuously (when I don’t take the break). Apparently this is pretty common.

    8. I think it’s fine, but don’t have any research to point you to. However, there is a risk that you will mask a medical problem. I was on a pill for about 10 years that was known for stopping periods in many women, so my doctor wasn’t concerned when mine stopped. When I went off, my periods did not return and it turned out I had a medical issue – one where the most common symptom is that your periods stop. It’s since been treated and not a big problem, but is one con to consider. (Which even I think may be outweighted by the pros)

      1. A friend had this – her BC pills were masking a benign brain tumor that affected her hormones. She had surgery and is now pregnant.

    9. Has anyone had trouble with their insurance company refilling their Rx if you take it continuously? When I’ve tried to pick up my bc early because I’m going on a trip or whatever, it’s this huge ordeal to get the insurance company to let me get it. One rep actually told me, “what they don’t have pharmacies in Paris?” Wouldn’t you have the same issue if you’re skipping a week of the pill?

      1. Ask your doctor to write the prescription so it says “take continuously.” When trying to pick up early for vacation, I’ve asked the pharmacy to work it out with the insurance company and have never had a problem at any pharmacy I’ve ever used.

      2. Not in my experience (about 20 yrs. total taking the pill continuously). I’m currently taking a pill that’s designed for continuous use, with no placebo pills, just 4 weeks of active pills per pack. Before that, my doctor just wrote the Rx for a regular pill for continuous use, skipping placebo pills.

      3. Yes, depending on the insurance company though. Some will give you 4 packs as “3 months worth” others just won’t. No rhyme or reason.

      4. Yes, I have had major issues with my insurance being picky about this. Next time they are due to be refilled I am going to have to discuss with my doctor a better way to try to word this.

      5. Same thing happened when I was on Nuvoring. I could only pick it up exactly 3 weeks after the prior prescription, which would also be 1 day before my period, so I literally had a one day window to pick up if I didn’t want to have a period. So incredibly inconvenient that I stopped using it. Makes me mad just thinking about it.

    10. When you’re on the pill, it’s not a true period. It’s withdrawal bleeding only. Talk to your doctor but it should be fine.

    11. I took BCP nonstop for over 15 years, due to unsolvable dysmenorrhea. My GYN wrote me a 14-month script each year since Seasonale and the like hadn’t been invented yet. It worked, but really jacked up my endocrine system. I’ve had thyroid and adrenal problems ever since.

    12. I took BCP nonstop for over 15 years, due to unsolvable dysmenorrhea. My GYN wrote me a 14-month script each year since Seasonale and the like hadn’t been invented yet. It worked, but really jacked up my endocrine system. I’ve had thyroid and adrenal problems ever since.

  2. How do you ever decide on silverware without getting to try it out first? Maybe this is just me and Fiance, but a big part of what we like or dislike about any set of silverware is how it feels when we use it. I can’t always tell in the store but I don’t want to register for silverware that’s pretty but I end up hating to use. For example, I hate the way his current set looks, but I have to admit it works better than mine. My set is gorgeous, but something about the shape makes it weird to eat with. I’m assuming there’s a middle ground somewhere, but unless I bring a meal in to Bed Bath and Beyond and eat one bite with each set (lol), how are we supposed to decide?

    1. One idea would be if you go to a restaurant where you particularly like the silverware, you could always try to figure out what type of silverware it is and register for that or something very similar.

    2. We went to Bed Bath and Beyond and spent a fair amount of time holding the flatware we were considering. Three years later we still love it.

      1. Same. My husband is a lefty and it turns out a lot of silverware is made for righties, and I never realized it. We spent a lot of time holding them and feeling what felt right for us. I am also petite with smaller hands, too, so wanted ones that weren’t so heavy and huge.

    3. I am here to recommend Liberty tabletop. High quality stainless and made in the US. you can order a set of sample pieces for a very low amount – like $10 or less – and use those to get an idea of size and pattern.

      I ended up buying the Pearl pattern, which I like very much

    4. May not be super helpful but try to narrow down what it is that makes his set work better? Is it the balance, distance from handle to the functional tines/cup of the spoon, depth of spoon, shape/width of the handle? Too light? Too heavy? The reason I hated the set I had (which I thought I’d like because I wanted a more substantial feel, a little heft when I held the utensils) is the balance was off: the handles were too heavy. So now I know that if I balance one on the edge of a mug, and the utensil immediately falls off on the handle side without teetering even a little, it’s a no-go for me, no matter how pretty. A weird test, but works for the weird quirk I’ve identified. I wouldn’t feel weird about going through the motions of using the utensils at BBB, either.

      1. And try to be more mindful of what works/doesnt work when you are dining at others’ places? The handle test was the main thing that annoyed me, but I am also better at identifying whether a set is too narrow and dainty for me to feel comfortable using them. Maybe I have big clumsy hands, idk. Anyway, as you can see, I can get obsessed about what makes design good design and why I might romanticize my cousin’s job as a product designer when I am stuck writing a boring brief. Ahem.

      1. Hahaha, it has never occurred to me to test out silverware before I buy it, but I also tend to buy the randos from Salvation Army because I have a set of hand-me-down silver for when I want to be fancy. Otherwise, I DGAF

  3. Kat, I LOVE this Ming Wang tank dress! Rosa told me about this dress last week and she is getting it at NORDSTROMs! I think I will first try her’s on (she is XS), and if I stay away from the cookies until Sunday, I should be able fit into her dress b/c it is a KNIT dress, and the worse that can happen is that I stretch the tuchus out.

    But, since it is MACHNE washeable, there’s no risk for her b/c she can wash and throw it in the dryer, and the tuchus will shrink back. If it doesn’t and she complains, I will just buy it from her! YAY!!!

  4. So my husband hates his job, which he has been at for two years. He is currently in a pretty specialized field where he’s getting paid the maximum in our area (aside from maybe 3-4 other positions). He took this job in our city two years ago so that I could take my job, which I love. Now he is ready to start searching again. Unfortunately this is going to mean keeping an open mind about moving to a new city. My job isn’t transferable, at least not at the current workload (maybe 50% work 50% pay.) I outearn him by about 10% but our family couldn’t keep the same standard of living if one of us left our jobs entirely. He could take a 50% paycut and we would be fine as well – it would mean he would adopt the role of PT working parent/mostly SAHD, which might be great, but would be a huge shift.

    I’ve tried to encourage him to seek career counselling, but even I can see his workplace is toxic and not worth the level of anxiety and stress it causes him.

    How do I stay supportive during the search? I know it means I might be putting my job in the balance, or at least completely disrupting our current setup.

    1. If the job is in fact toxic — and I have no reason to second guess you — then you must support your husband in whatever path he wants to take. I can tell you from expereince that when I was dealing with my ex, and his reticence to work, I quickly figured out he was dogging it b/c he saw me as his bread-winner and meal ticket, and figured that w/o working, he could just lay around my apartement drinkeing and staining my Egyptian Cotton Sheets! FOOEY on that! So I quickly came to the conclusion, with Dad’s help, that I needed to eject Sheketovits from my apartement ASAP if I ever hoped to find a guy to marry, b/c he was NOT the one for me! So I did, and I NEVER looked back! I am Shektovits-free, unencumbered and now available to the best eligible man in NYC for me! YAY!

      1. Based on the first three lines, I really thought this was going to be a normal reasoned post. I stand corrected.

        1. Ahaha same – I read those lines, got to the weird stuff, and then saw it was Ellen. Lesson learned.

    2. Career counseling may be helpful for him, not in terms of surviving the current workplace (although that may be necessary in the short term), but in helping him think through what his next steps should be.

      And if you’re really struggling with the idea of change, then maybe counseling for you, too, so you can work out your feelings without inflicting your anxiety or fear of change or whatever on him. A truly toxic workplace is ultimately bad for your husband and for your marriage.

    3. Could he possibly look for jobs that aren’t necessarily exactly the same or in his exact specialization, but for which his skills would be transferrable? Or could you do the same?

      2. If you don’t want to read it, it’s very easy to scroll right past. Some of us find this interesting

    3. I feel like the way they track alcohol in drinkers per day doesn’t reflect how most people drink. Many people don’t drink a consistent level every day, they’ll probably abstain most days and have a couple drinks on a Saturday night. If I have one drink on Thursday and two on Saturday, am in the less than one drink a day category or am I in the two drinks a day category? Beats me. But anyway, it seems like the risk is lower than the risk of eating processed meats, which you never hear anyone talking about.

      1. I disagree with this – I hear WAY more about the risks of processed meats than I ever did about moderate drinking. It should still receive even more publicity, though.

    4. “Not to revive this discussion” but literally here is exactly the same dead horse to beat again.

      1. IDK I actually found it a helpful link, but then again, I just skipped over the previous discussions on here and don’t plan on reading any rehash.

      1. I would literally rather discuss whether leggings are pants or whether scrunchies or claw clips are work appropriate at this point.

    6. You know you guys can “collapse all” and scroll right past, right? I think you like complaining about these posts too much to do it, but don’t stop the rest of us from having an informed discussion.

      OP, thanks for this. I find the discussion of absolute risks much more useful than the original article (which I posted a few days ago).

    7. Thank you for posting something that analyzes the numbers intelligently! Not being sarcastic, this was actually interesting and thoughtful.

      1. Yes I agree. I thought it was interesting that the absolute numbers aren’t significantly different between 0 and 1 drinks per day. It specifically says “Note the uncertainty interval does not start to exclude ‘no effect’ until over 1 drink a day.” I get that we all have different risk tolerances, but that is pretty strongly NOT a statement that there are no safe levels of alcohol consumption.

      2. Agreed. I was wary of reading it because I am SO OVER the whole conversation, but it was both interesting and thoughtful.

  6. I am very comfortable public speaking, both planned and unplanned/extemp. I held a job for deveral years that involved daily 1:1 conversations with c-suite clients and monthly presentations to groups of ~300 people. Two years ago, I changed companies and my current role is much less verbal- I am only on the phone or with a client 1-2x/week. I have noticed a marked decline in my speaking abilities the last few months. I’m leaving this job in 8 weeks for a position more similar to my past role – what can I do in the meantime to get more practice? Are there any online courses or tricks you recommend?

    1. Toastmasters can help improve your communication skills. They have recently updated their curriculum to address all types of verbal communication.

  7. Anyone have a dishwasher they like? Ours crapped out (after only 3 years!!). I wasn’t a big fan of it to begin with and it was LG so I’d probably prefer a different brand (although I love our LG fridge and washer).

    1. Expensive, but we adore our Miele. Really smart design for fitting a variety of stuff.

      1. +1 This was totally worth the splurge. Its sound level is on par with a faucet running.

        (I also love their coffee system!)

    3. We’re installing a Miele – it’s supposed to be incredibly quiet, and the interior pieces felt sturdy. My mom and my inlaws have Bosch dishwashers and they are evangelists. Check out Yale Appliance Blog as a starting point.

    4. I love my Bosch. Just realized we’ve had it for six years, looks/works like new.

        1. The third rack!!! We just got a Bosch earlier this year and I love it. It is also very quiet. Our old one was really loud. Now I’ll forget ai started it and hear this whispery swishing sound and realize “Oh, right! Dishwasher. Not ghost.”

    5. We like our Whirlpool. When we had our GE cafe dishwasher repaired for the third time we asked the service technician which brands were the best with fewest repairs and he said Whirlpool. He appears to have been right. We are approaching 10 years.

    6. We moved into our house in 2005. The Kitchen Aid dishwasher was there before us and is still going strong, plus I never rinse and the dishes come our perfectly clean.

      1. We recently got a higher-end Kitchen Aid and really like it, from Best Buy. Very quiet. Installers said not to get Bosch because it’s hard to get parts.

      2. My dad has a fancy new kitchen aid that I covet. Super quiet, seems to do a really good job on getting the dishes clean, and fits quite a bit more than my does.

    8. I will not get a GE dishwasher again. Our’s does not seem to clean very well. At least 1 or 2 dishes do not look clean after most cycles.

    9. How did you decide on the LG?
      We will be needing a new dishwasher any day now, and I researched via Consumer Reports Annual Buying Guide.
      Just wondering.

      1. I don’t remember now. We were moving into a new house and getting all new appliances. I think I picked out an LG fridge and washer/dryer based on research and then bought the dishwasher and microwave the same brand for consistency? The microwave has been fine. The dishwasher was pretty terrible, although we have REALLY hard water so that may have caused some problems.

    10. Can’t recommend brands, but as a counterpoint to the above preferences for quiet, I appreciate the moderately loud swishing noise made by my previous and current dishwasher. Puts my barky puppies right to sleep.

    11. We have an elderly Frigidaire that is a workhorse. I dread the day the racks rust so much we have to replace it.

  8. Toastmasters can help improve your communication skills. They have recently updated their curriculum to address all types of verbal communication.

  9. I recently received a promotion (yay!) and am now part of my organization’s senior leadership team. However, I still feel like a junior staffer. I keep telling myself this promotion was well deserved and I should not feel like this, but I just feel completely out of place in the new meetings I am attending. I’m hoping this feeling will go away eventually as I get acclimated in my role, but in the meantime, how can I overcome these feelings? Its making me second guess a lot of my work and things I say.

    1. fake it till you feel it has been my strategy…. it took about 6 months, but it worked. I figured it’s normal to feel this way at first

      1. On Twitter this week, I read the suggestion to replace this catchphrase with ‘ believe it till you achieve it’s.
        Either way, the concept works!

    2. You don’t have to work hard to overcome the feelings, just don’t take them very seriously. You’re new at this; it’s normal to feel awkward about something new. If you really focus on the feelings and give them lots of mental space, you can escalate them. Just notice them — “yes, there’s that feeling again. That’s normal right now. I can deal with normal.” and move on.

  10. I posted yesterday afternoon and got a couple helpful answers, but was a bit late so hoping for more eyeballs this morning: My secretary keeps telling me she wants me to use her more, and I feel like I could delegate more. However, she has dropped the ball in the past, so I’m a little wary. Something seems to have happened such that she has been much more proactive and helpful lately than in the past, so I do want to give it a chance. Any thoughts on what — besides the obvious — I ought to be delegating to make my life easier, and how to make sure I properly supervise her? I’m a mid/senior level biglaw transactional associate.

    1. Re how to supervise – I email all instructions to her, then drag the sent email into my task list in outlook. I go down the list at the end of the day to follow up.

    2. *Ask her to prepare files or contracts for meetings at least two days prior to the meeting. *Have her RELIGIOUSLY calendar deadlines, follow ups, etc. for you and her (this helps you know she’s on top of it) and if your system allows for “completion of task” reminders, those tiny pop ups will help you know when to follow up and then eventually you’ll stop double checking. *have her proof your time entries. *If you save emails make sure she is saving them uniformly/start BCCing her and build that. *have her do more of a repetitive task you currently take care of. Review every one at first, then you’ll build a system for what you really need to look at. Comparison documents help me here – I know if she’s changed anything I don’t want her to change. *If you do any copying, scanning, scheduling, delegate it or get a system in place – I have a specific physical box just for files to be scanned in. *Have her build and revise templates for recurring uses.

    3. I think it depends on what/how she dropped these previous balls. I am a paralegal, and there are certainly things that I have not done because I thought my boss was doing and he thought I was doing. Was it something silly like a miscommunication or a scheduling conflict, or was it something seriously like a blown statute or deadline? Silly mistakes are dumb and might happen again, but most people learn from their mistakes, which might be why she has changed!

      I think excellent communication is key here. You need to be clear what you want, and what little things she can do to help you out. Are there tasks such as proofing and editing that she can do? What about preliminary research?

      Also, one of the things that I have done on the side for my boss is a lot of marketing. Developing Christmas cards, post cards, mailing lists, etc. I have a birthday list I print out for my boss every month so he can wish each of our clients a happy birthday. I know this totally depends on your firm, but having her put together those networking lists that might generate you big business. Think about those tasks you’ve always wanted done but never ever had the time for.

  11. I’ve been sticking to the same type of work outfit for 5 years (with a few tweaks) because I hate thinking about what to wear, and I know what works for me… but is it dated? My “uniform” is: a) pointy heels, pencil skirt, silk blouse or short sleeve sweater shell, and blazer (like a Jcrew schoolboy blazer) or b) basically the same thing in a suit version. Occasionally a sheath dress or a wrap dress. I don’t have a lot of women lawyer friends who work in firms that are as formal as my firm so I dont have people to be my work-style-gut check!

    1. I don’t think you do. When you replace things, it will probably be with a shape/cut that’s current at the moment. Not everyone has to be au currant. Some people – myself included – are fine with classic shapes that fit well and not having to think about your wardrobe.

      1. Agree. You can keep it fresh by change up the shape or print/color of the different pieces.

    2. I think I would explore shoe styles other than pointy heels. I love pointed toes but I think heels tend to be chunkier and lower these days. It can’t be great for your feet to wear heels every day anyway.

      How about a look with narrow pants and lower heels, keeping the blouse/blazer look you already have on top?

    3. That sounds like a pretty classic wardrobe that will always be “in style” at work. Personally I try to avoid “trends” in my work wardrobe because they’ll become noticeably dated whereas classic items like you’ve described basically last forever.

      I would bet that your colleagues probably don’t give your wardrobe even a second thought which is a good thing (generally when we give our colleagues wardrobes any thought, it’s either because they are super stylish or, far more often, because it’s inappropriate in some way in our minds). It sounds like your wardrobe probably doesn’t make anyone think about how stylish you are but it definitely wouldn’t make anyone think anything bad about it.

      I wouldn’t worry about it – if you are comfortable and happy with this work uniform, then stick with it. You can always add a little pops of color and “trendiness” with jewelry or scarves or other accessories.

    4. I hope your look isn’t dated because I wear basically the same.

      I think cardigans are dated. I’m not sure why, I just haven’t seen them at work for a while. Blazer or a nice blouse reads more current.

      I think pants are more on trend than skirts/dresses but I can’t be bothered. I’m in the process of losing some weight (20 lbs down!) and pants just aren’t forgiving. Maybe I’ll look into it when my size stabilizes.

      1. Agreed about cardigans. They just look frumpy to me now. I have a casual office so I don’t want to wear blazers all the time, so I’m trying to replace my cardigans with more structured jardigan-type pieces, or just wear a long-sleeved top that doesn’t need a layering piece.

      2. Thanks all! Yes I agree with you about cardigans, that’s one item I used to wear more than blazers and now wear them far less frequently. Also I cant be bothered with pants due to the weight fluctuation and, having a very short inseam, I feel like I have to wear heels (and look bad in cropped pants), but then the pants drag when I’m commuting in flats, and all of this contributes to the extra mental energy in deciding what to wear-hence the uniform of 99% skirts/dresses.

        1. Pants seem more current to me, too. I got over my hesitations about pants (short inseam, curvy, big hip to waist ratio) and embraced the ankle length pant. Game changer. I feel more trendy, and honestly, a bit liberated. It’s not my most flattering look, but it’s now my favorite. A pair of well-tailored ankle pants can look sharp for work; I get the Loft Julie and get the waist tailored in.

      3. I think it depends on the type of cardigan. I haven’t seen many of the classic hip length or higher cardigans in a while (i.e. the “Jackie” cardigan), but I wear a lot of longer boyfriend style cardigans in a way that I think looks fairly modern. It just depends on what you wear underneath it. In the summer months, when my office is a bit slower and a lot of people are out on vacation, I like wearing a cardigan because I need a layer for the AC, but they’re easier to wash/cheaper to dry clean than my blazers.

        1. Yes I agree that long cardigans are in style. I’ve seen very tall thin women pull off the long cardigan/jacket/outer layer and look suit-level-formal. MMLF had a bunch of that somewhat recently. For other body types, that look reads more casual ime, but I’d love to be proven wrong!

          1. I don’t think someone’s body type has anything to do with whether a look reads “casual” and I think it’s kind of weird you would suggest that. I think long cardigans look casual on everyone. A long structured jacket (like the MMLF ones) reads more formal to me even though it’s the same shape.

          2. Eh, I don’t think it’s fair that things read differently on different body types, but I do think it’s true. I’m very curvy – things that look super professional on skinny friends (fitted dresses, fitted pencil skirts with sweaters) look too sexy on me, so I have to wear those looser than my skinny friends. Things that look great on me (fitted blazers, suits) make my skinny friends look like they’re playing dress up in their mom’s clothes. Long sweaters look casual on me because they don’t skim my body unless I wear them with a skinny belt at empire waist level. If someone had a body type where a long sweater would naturally skim their body, and not hang without a shape, it would look more professional. So I only wear long sweaters with belts unless it’s a Friday.

          3. I notice this as well. When I’m at my heaviest, the fit/cut of my clothing needs to be immaculate or else I descend into frump city. Anything designed to be flowy or asymmetrical looks like it got that way by accident.

      4. Maybe its a regional thing, but in my business casual southern office, cardigans are well and alive. I love mine and wear them nearly everyday. I try to stick to more modern cuts and fun prints as opposed to standard drab black and navy. I just can’t get on the jardigan train. I’ve never seen one that didn’t look like a cardigan trying too hard. They don’t have enough structure to look polished, but are too structured to look intentional like a cardigan. Honestly half of them look like a sweatshirt shaped like a blazer and look extra sloppy.

        1. +1 I have one sweater blazer from J. Crew that I love but it’s very unstructured (i.e. more like a thick cardigan with a collar and pockets, not a tailored fit). When I try on the ones that are designed to more closely resemble a structured blazer, it doesn’t work for me. It may be that I tend to wear them with pants, and the shorter/more structured blazers work better with skirts, though.

        2. I wear cardigans all the time too, and so do many, many of the women in my bus casual biglaw firm.

    5. Your clothes are classic styling and won’t need updating except when buying a replacement piece – just buy a more updated styling with the same silhouette. I would consider updating the shoes. Pointy heels have not really been in style for about ten years, and will date your whole outfit – and they look uncomfortable and read impractical.

    6. Sounds fine to me, especially if those shapes work for your body type.

      Honestly, I have no idea what’s “in” as far as work clothes go. The women in my business casual all dress very differently, and everyone looks appropriate. I will say the youngest woman in the office does wear the most trendy/fashionable clothing.

  12. Can we talk about how the President is “looking into” regulating Google so they have to bring up positive stories about him? Is anyone else terrified?

      1. +1
        I think the best way to counter this feeling is action: call your reps and give them your opinion on this, sign petitions, join a local campaign or political group and “get involved”: post card writing, phone calling, block walking, showing up at events, volunteering at events, etc.
        I sincerely hope that this president’s days in office are numbered and that midterm elections and Mueller and/or the legal issues of his own making bring him down. But until then, you gotta work to do what you can to make the changes you want to see.

        Signed, a terrified, horrified, exhausted and active person

    2. It’s very disturbing. That plus censorship on FB and Twitter has the power to truly disturb democracy.

    3. No. I’m not. I’m frustrated and irritated and very worried about some things. This is not one of them.

    4. I’m more concerned about the mounting evidence that Google is censoring conservative views across its platforms by deeming it hate speech.

        1. I’m not anon at 10:34, but I am very disturbed by censorship on Google, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, and other platforms. Reasonable views on a wide variety of subjects are being completely removed under a very broad label of “hate speech” or “violates community standards.” Facebook just removed a group with over 25,000 members entitled “Refuse to Date Men Who Use Porn.” Speaking out about violence against women just became that much harder and that is only ONE issue at risk. Censorship may seem reasonable at first, but I’m a free speech absolutist. NOTHING is more important to democracy than absolute freedom of speech.

          1. Some of the Facebook groups I’m in have added the request NEVER to report any comments to Facebook (as opposed to group admin) to the group rules. There’s a perception (I have no idea whether this is accurate) that Facebook is shutting down groups that produce too many reports.

      2. Wow it’s almost like we should and do apply different standards for what government can do with respect to speech it doesn’t like versus what private entities can do with respect to speech it doesn’t like. Hint: the first amendment only applies to government, not private entities.

        Come on. Flex those critical thinking skills a little. You don’t even understand what free speech IS, you shouldn’t be talking about it, much less calling yourself an absolutist.

        1. nasty woman, that’s uncalled for. I can call myself a free speech absolutist while still being well aware that Facebook has every right to censor content. I am arguing that that is bad for democracy, not that it violates the Constitution. Try not to be a jerk.

          1. It doesn’t appear as if you understood the difference. I don’t understand how you can be a “free speech absolutist” but also disagree that a private platform should have the ability to exclude speech it does not wish to promote. Do you think that the KKK should be able to force FB to host its ideas?

            I was also replying to anonymous at 10:34, but I can see how that was not obvious from my post.

    5. We are headed towards totalitarianism, and a good chunk of this country seems cool with that. Having lived in a totalitarian country before, I don’t recommend it.

      I would seriously consider moving, but I’m divorced with a kid and shared custody, so that’s not possible.

      1. I have also lived a totalitarian country before and don’t recommend it. I don’t get what is wrong with America.

    6. This particular issue, no not at all. Sadly, its not that I wouldn’t take this fool seriously in trying to impose regulations. Its that, at this point in history, for better or for worse, Google has more money, power, and pull than this President. Thanks to weakening campaign finance laws, I’m positive Google has enough Congressmen in its pocket to overturn any stupid regulation not in its favor.

  13. I have to return several items to Loft that I purchased online. They are 7 pairs of pants. Is this an excessive amount of returns or should I just mail them back? They are two separate orders and shipping is $8/order.

    1. Just go return them in the store. Not going to be a problem if you’re within the return window.

    4. You’re thinking way too hard about this. You will under no circumstances be considered a difficult or excessive customer – they will be happy to see you in the store and you can look around! No worries!

    5. I’m a firm believer that the $8 charge is not to pay for return shipping….but to incentivize you to come into the store.

    6. Having worked retail when I was laid off–there are people who will order 10 dresses for a big event, try them all on, and return 9 of them. Happens all the time. If it makes you feel better, return one order and then go back the following week and return the other.

      The stores want you to return things to the store because they are hoping you will take the money you have just been refunded and spend it on something else.

      It’s the people who show up with clearly worn or dirty clothing, well out of the return period, with no tags and no receipts who are noticed.

      1. I worked at the loft specifically for a couple years in college. A bunch of pairs of pants with tags on is nothing. We’d have a lady come in with tags still on the clothes she purchased THREE YEARS PRIOR. At the time, there was no time limit on returns. It was all unworn but…went immediately to clearance. Then she came back at bought it.

        We also had someone who bought entire outfits on a Friday and “accidentally ripped the tags off” then returned everything on Monday. Often with ticket stubs etc in the pockets.

  14. I’ve been at a new job for about 3 months. I fully realize that I’m going to feel new / uncomfortable for awhile. But the last week or two, I’ve made some mistakes and have started feeling really down about the job, and also paranoid about doing more things wrong, which I think has spiraled into me making more mistakes and fumbling over things. I had hoped the weekend would help, but yesterday was more of the same. How do I get beyond this?

    1. I hear you. Not in a new job, but I’ve had a couple times where I got in that spiral, initially precipitated by mistakes due to overwork. Three things that helped me: 1) rest/take small breaks to break up the spiral (this was hardest) 2) took the extra time to be very, very careful to proofread/triple check everything so I wouldn’t fall further into the “I am so dumb for making that teeny mistake, I cant do anything right” ( is there anyone you trust to look the more important things over for you?) 3) categorize the insignificant mistakes (eg typos) vs the mistakes that are part of the learning curve or due to you maybe not knowing enough yet–and asking for guidance or more direction on the latter if possible?

  15. Ugh can I just vent about craigslist? I am trying to give away a couch in good condition. I put it in the free section of craigslist. I should learn but I never do – people who are quick to claim the free stuff by email never show up. I’m on the second round of trying and the same kind of responses.

    Yes! I want it! I will definitely be there tonight! I have a truck!

    And then either they don’t show up or I get some lame email hours after they were supposed to be there – sorry, my girlfriend says she doesn’t want it.

    This is why I call got junk, but I hate the idea of a perfectly good couch going into the landfill just because people are flaky and drive me crazy.

    1. Have you considered donating it? There are frequently DV groups and homelessness prevention groups that will take donations of furniture (some will even pick it up for you) to help people getting back on their feet to get furniture.

      2. Facebook Marketplace has been INCREDIBLE for getting rid of stuff for money or for free when I was moving. Highly recommend.

    4. I guess this depends where you live, but what about just putting it out on the curb with a sign that says “free, please take”. We have gotten rid of tons of stuff this way.

      1. Same here. People cruise the neighborhood a couple days before trash pickup and they swoop in FAST.

        If you’re in a neighborhood FB group, you can also post a picture with a “curb alert.” If you’re not in a neighborhood FB group, I HIGHLY recommend joining and observing the unique type of drama that goes down.

        2. Hey pugsnbourbon, since I think you’re in Indy, any chance your neighborhood has a lot of tree-named streets? I just joined my local fb group and I’m loving it.

    5. Many cities have furniture bank that collects good condition secondhand furniture and redistributes through their partner agencies to people leaving DV shelters or homeless shelters etc.

      try the site below to find one near you:

      furniture banks dot org

    8. Try putting it in the for sale section and listing a low price, like $50 or less. IME that pulls more motivated buyers. Or list it a bit higher and say something like “willing to negotiate price if you pick up in next 48 hours.”

      TBH I am very skeptical of both free stuff and soft furniture on craigslist, and the combo makes me worry there’s a hidden problem (eg bedbugs, pet pee, etc).

      Alternatively, you could also see if there’s something like a habitat for humanity restore shop in your area? They take donated building materials but also large furniture (def including couches). Everywhere I’ve lived they offer donation pick-up if it’s a substantial item. Other local charity shops may do the same. You might have to wait a few days for a scheduled pick-up but it would be guaranteed to be gone, and to a good cause. For me that has been far less work than Craigslist.

      Craigslist is frustrating, I totally agree — has gone from a reliable option (where I got most of my furniture in grad school), to full of scams/trolls/sketchy-ness … But then I sort of feel like that’s a lot of the internet now. Lol, that makes me sound super old and crotchety. Cue creaky old voice: “Back in my day, the internet was full of sparkles and Craigslist was a place of magic!”

    10. This happened to us and then we were broken into the next day after giving out our address and the time we would be home to a “really interested” buyer on Craigslist. I will never use the service again.

    12. Where I live 123Junk will first donate, then recycle, and as a last resort trash items.

    13. I missed this, but in case anyone else is catching up, Habitat For Humanity will pick up furniture too if they have a local resale furniture store.

  16. Fun little morning question :) Do you have any granny habits or hobbies? Washing and reusing ziplocs, folding up Christmas paper to use next year, etc?

    I’ve just gotten back into cross stitching after not having done it since I was a Girl Scout – and I love (LOVE) that it doesn’t involve a screen. And the patterns have gotten so much more sophisticated and pretty!

    Anything come to mind for you?

    1. I’m also a fellow cross stitcher! Be sure to look on Etsy for a lot of great patterns.

      1. Also a fellow cross-sticher (not really the subversive kind, tho). I really like Celtic Ladies series by Lavender and Lace. Just started the Christmas one, hoping to have it done/framed for December :)

    2. Puzzles. I have a newly found addiction to puzzles. I think because it is still using my brain, but allows me to zone out and avoid people. I have recently found out that my boss, a coworker, and another friend have secret puzzle habits as well, so I think its on an upswing. I have lost the ability to just watch tv, and this is a nice wind down.

    3. Off-topic, but if you like to reuse ziplocs, I found some silicone, reusable baggies on Amazon! They can go in the dishwasher and, IIRC, weren’t super expensive.

      Reusable food storage is the best!

    4. I tried to pick up knitting. I love how peaceful it looks, like meditation. I think I’m too clumsy or impatient or something, though.

      I’ve started to do calligraphy instead. I like the meditative aspect, but I kind of forget what I’m doing mid-word and end up with crazy misspellings. It’s pretty though!

    5. Because I used to play it with my grandmother . . . Scrabble! I have a travel version which I usually pack for trips. I also try to do at least one crossword puzzle a week, although I stupidly bought a hard-level book when really I needed a medium level book!

      If I end up with a ziploc bag, I do wash and reuse, but I like to think that’s more eco-conscious than granny :)

      2. I ordered two patterns from the subversive cross stitch website to give as gifts and had a lot of fun stitching them! Very good for novices.

    7. I used to crochet a lot (my grandmother taught me) but it hasn’t been grabbing me for the last few years. At the beginning of the summer I picked up a needlepoint kit and I love it! Already finished one good sized project and started another that’s a fairly high level of difficulty but just what I need to engage my brain after work. I do it using a big frame while sitting on my couch and watching tv shows that I can listen to as much as actually watch. The combination has been so good for me, I look forward to it every day and use it as a way to keep my brain from churning on work problems once I get home.

    8. Knitting! I only remembered one stitch from my grandmother as a child, so I thought it was boring. It turns out I was wrong, and find it a great hobby when waiting in line or during power outages. The other bonus is that it’s slow fashion, and handmade hats and scarves can be made in colors and sizes that work for me.

    9. I freaking love puzzles. I save really nice wrapping paper and bags, and clean packing paper. And I knit. And I (like And Peggy) bought reusable silicone baggies to avoid washing out ziplocs.

      But the most grandma thing I do is when I take the leftover rolls from the bread basket and wrap them up in a napkin and stash them in my purse. I love a good purse roll. And it would just get thrown out! No sense in wasting food we’ve already paid for!

    10. Canning! Especially making Jam… I’m going to make another 20 jars tonight to bring it up to 100 for the year.

      (We eat a lot of PBJ, plus I give a ton away. My go-to hostess gift is a box of fancy croissants and a jar of homemade jam.)

    11. I sew, knit, crochet, weave, and reuse pretty gift bags and tissue paper. And definitely take home the leftover rolls.

    12. I crochet baby blankets for all of the people I love. I’m a BigLaw litigator and find it relaxing and a good way to unwind while listening to podcasts. I think my friends find it touching that I spend my very limited personal time making something for their families.

      I try to pick a new pattern that matches the personality of the couple for each baby. I’m pretty sure I’ve developed arthritis

      1. “I try to pick a new pattern that matches the personality of the couple for each baby.” You’re a fantastic friend/person!

    13. I: wash and reuse ziploc, foil, plastic to-go containers at least 3x before discarding/recycling (usually a lot more!); use the very last drop of everything toiletries-related; buy fresh berries on sale and freeze; save and reuse gift bags/bows/tissue paper if serviceable.

  17. All this discussion about risks (pertaining to alcohol, but also other activities) got me thinking about when risk has its place. For me, I feel much more alive and energetic when I knowingly participate in activities that have some risk (skiing, hiking in remote mountains, watersports, etc.), but then I tend to get really anxious about other risks (driving, my family members undergoing surgeries, my own health issues, etc.). I want to find a way to get less anxious about the latter without cutting down on risks in the former, if that makes sense. I think my question might be confusing (and I’m not even really sure what it is), but I guess I’m wondering why I get so anxious about some risks when I willingly and happily embrace others that many people in my life tend to say “Oh I would never do that, that’s so scary” about. Maybe it’s about risks you can control?

    1. I had a good convo with my therapist about embracing low levels of anxiety on certain issues. Anxiety serves a purpose – to warn us about danger, make us be more careful. Having no anxiety shouldn’t always be the goal (unless related to an objectively harmless low risk task), but having manageable anxiety that does not impact our daily lives, except to make us be more careful where it makes sense, is the goal.

      I’m guessing you have low anxiety about the risky activities because you actively take them on, know the dangers and how to cope with them, and have an amount of control about what you are getting yourself into. The other areas are large unknowns or relate to how other people’s actions could affect you or a loved one. And you approach these situations with more caution (driving carefully, seeking solid medical advice, etc.) so that you can have a better outcome. Honestly, as my therapist says “embrace and manage the anxiety level, don’t reject it.”

    2. Without knowing you, I’d say you’re fairly athletic and have a degree of confidence in your ability to navigate the outdoors and in your body and physical abilities. You probably know that you can solve problems that come up and figure out. So it’s risk, but not the same kind of risk as if you felt super vulnerable and out of control.

      Example: I’m a pretty good public speaker. I have decent skills in thinking on my feet. I’ve never addressed a crowd of thousands, but I’d take the risk and do it, because I have a degree of confidence that I won’t fail spectacularly — I’m confident enough to fail, in other words.

      Tell me to go up and dance in front of a crowd of 100 people? NEVER, never, never. I’m not physically confident and would feel naked and embarrassed. Failing would be a huge risk.

  18. I’m surprised we haven’t had a John McCain post. He’s one of the few Republicans I respected, even though we frequently disagreed. I’d give anything to have him be president instead of Trump right now.

    1. Feel free to just post one yourself instead of passively whining that no one else did.

      1. Um, what do you think this post was? I hope your day improves since you’re clearly off to a bad start.

    2. on the flip side – I like to blame McCain (and Palin) for Trump. so there’s ya post.

      1. I respect John McCain’s service and some of his political decisions and of course I feel sorry for his family, but I also believe that his choice of Palin led pretty much directly to Trump. He does regret choosing her though, for whatever that’s worth.

        3. That may be true in part, but I really respect McCain for repeatedly and unequivocally denouncing Trump as unfit to serve. He and Romney were both brave in that regard, especially compared to the rest of the cowardly GOP leadership.

      2. I think I blame Republicans generally for this, even if McCain brought Palin under the proverbial tent. I feel like McCain was predeceased by Republican decency and trump spits on both their graves.

      3. He was reckless when he got shot down over Vietnam(proven that he was somewhere he was not supposed to be) and reckless when he picked Palin.
        The coverage of his funeral was grossly overblown. I do not admire that he dumped his first wife and kids after they waited and worried about him for the 5 1/2 years he was a prisoner, to go off with much younger Cindy who had a rich daddy who could fund his political aspirations.
        The only thing good about him was that he was a human and not what we’ve become used to on the right.

  19. I need ideas for how to utilize a breakfast nook area.

    DH and I are moving into a new apartment soon. The new apartment has both a dining room and a breakfast nook. The dining room is outside the kitchen by the living room and where we plan to put our existing small dining table. The breakfast nook sits between the kitchen and a balcony (which also accessible by the living room). The breakfast nook has no built-in furniture and is not separate from the kitchen.

    I don’t need two eating spaces so trying to think of fun ways to use the breakfast nook area.

    I think it will be a good area for the new home office space we are creating. It’s a nice big empty space so our home office wont be shoved up against other furniture in the home. Plus it’ll be in a corner of the home that we won’t see when relaxing or lounging.

    Thoughts on either using it as a home office area or other ways to utilize the space?

    1. Home office is the most logical way to go. Or a play space, if you have a kid, or “hobby space” with shelves for storage.

    2. When you entertain, do people congregate in the kitchen? Maybe add some seating options in that space as well. Home office space may work for you- for me, it would be too public/full of distractions and I would have to keep it super neat. But, I have a kid and we entertain a decent bit so I like my office to be someplace I can close off.

    3. Home office or home “gym”. In my house I have a workout space with free weights, a couple of yoga mats that stay rolled out, and a suspension trainer. Which I would do comes down to which you think you would actually use more.

    4. I have a space like that, but I didn’t need to use it for an office. I put a small folding table (w/ plant on it… and all my mail), some chairs, and extra kitchen storage over there. If you don’t need the storage space, a bar cart might be cute.

    5. I guess most people around here go the other way – use the breakfast nook as in-kitchen eating, and convert the dining room to a home office or toy room or more formal (like adults-only, or no-media) living room or game room or something.
      I’d be interested to see what you do!

  20. I’m having a day where I’m tired and moody and stupid little things are making me angry. I just want to go home. It’s not even 11am. Help.

  21. Talk to me about paying for the engagement ring. I feel shallow for admitting this (anonymously to you all) but I really want a big (like 2 ct) traditional diamond ring. There’s no way BF could ever afford that… but I can. For those of you who have paid for your ring, any regrets?

    And before you ask – no I haven’t talked to him about it and I know I should. I’m nervous though. He’s sending me pictures of really beautiful non-diamond rings. I would love to have them as a right hand ring, but maybe not so much as an engagement ring. He’s so wonderful and thoughtful and has clearly looked at all my other rings to pick things that I would like. I feel guilty asking for what I want, like it’s shallow and selfish and consumeristic and the patriarchy is in there somewhere I’m sure. But then I see a sparkly and swoon…. This went a little off the rails now I’m not sure what I’m asking anymore but thanks for listening.

    1. You will likely hurt his feelings. Your relationship comes first, the ring is just a show piece. Don’t jab your man’s ego because you want a big ring. The best compromise route is suggest you guys go look at rings together so at least he can be guided by your style. But you get what you get, and it will be the best he can do. The ring is a gift in promise of marriage not piece of flashy jewelry, don’t look the gift horse in the mouth.

      1. Eh. Soft disagree. Talk with your boyfriend about your future, marriage, money,etc and then talk about the ring you want and how to get pay for it. Do you really want to marry a guy with too fragile of an ego to handle this? I suspect not.

        I spend a really small amount of time worrying about my husband’s ego and a lot of time worrying about his feelings and his happiness. I also wear a two carat ring that he could never have afforded when we got engaged.

        1. I’ll add that I recently asked for a stupid, shallow luxury thing and just came clean. “Hey I know it’s stupid but I just want a bmw, we can afford it, what do you think?” It was fine, he doesn’t think I’m a jerk and he loves driving that car. This is the kind of thing you have to do in a marriage when you share finances. We’re constantly reevaluating what we want to spend/splurge/save for.

      2. Also disagree. An engagement ring isn’t your wedding vow. And you will wear it for (at least) multiple months, and possibly your entire life. Get one you want to wear. I think the old fashioned “surprise her” way of a) getting engaged, and b) buying a ring is pretty ridiculous. You’re making financial decisions together for the rest of your life. Shouldn’t you get to be part of the financial decision to invest in a piece of jewelry you’ll wear for the rest of your life?

        (Unless you are going to “upgrade” your ring or not wear it after the engagement. Then it’s not as important.)

        It will not surprise you to know that I designed my ring. My SO picked out his engagement gift (a piano). He knows nothing about jewelry, and I know nothing about pianos. We both got the gifts we wanted.

    2. Would it make you feel better to have him pick the ring and you pay for it? A big part of the ring for me is that is symbolizes both of us and if I just pick it out and buy it for myself, it feels like a Me thing rather than an Us thing. Since it seems like the price you could afford isn’t a big limiter, maybe ask him to work with a jeweler to design a ring that has a style or engraving that is very personal and meaningful to both of you and feels representative of your relationship? You can pay for it and put the big sparkly diamond you want on it, but it’ll be more about you two as a couple than just hey I bought this ring I wanted.

      1. I agree with this, and also with Anonymous at 11:08.

        Another thought: What about a Moissanite? I had a giant Moissanite and it cost MUCH less than a comparable-size diamond and it was sparkly as all get-out. And your fiance could afford it.

    3. I think there is what you dreamed of before you meet the person, and there’s what you dream of once you know the person. Before you met the man of your dreams, you probably imagined a “traditional” diamond ring on your finger. That’s fine. Now you’re with him, and you need to figure out, together, what makes sense for your relationship. My boyfriend and I went and picked out rings together, and we split the cost. The rings aren’t what I would have chosen prior to him, and they’re probably not what he would have chosen for generic woman either. They’re specific to us, and our relationship, and that’s more beautiful than any diamond could be.

      I think you need to acknowledge your feelings, perhaps tell him some version of it, and then decide on a ring that fits the two of you and your relationship, as it is now. Congrats on meeting the man of your dreams! It’s the best :)

    4. One of my friends did this. She contributed 75% of the cost of the ring. I personally wouldn’t. I think an engagement ring is a symbolic gift. But if it matters to you just talk to him.

    5. We combined finances at the same time we got engaged and went ring shopping, so I paid for half of mine. It would have been within a price range he could afford if he had bought it as a surprise though.

    6. Buy yourself whatever sparkly jewelry you like. Let your future husband buy you whatever engagement ring he can afford. If you really don’t want to wear a small ring, then tell him you don’t want an engagement ring. That seems a lot less hurtful to me than telling him you want a ring he can’t afford so you’ll buy it.

    7. Oh I disagree completely with the above. You are going to wear the ring every day for forever (I hope!) so I think it is reasonable to try and find a compromise that is more in keeping with what you want.

      You know your fiancee, is he a practical type (it is all our money going forward so who cares who pays really) or does he have an element of it being very important that he pay for the ring himself. This would definitely inform my approach.

      1. +1. I’m kind of surprised at the responses here. It’s something you’re going to wear everyday, of course it should be something you like/can afford! I think you definitely approach this politely and offer to contribute X amount. If someone’s manhoood was so damaged by this, that’s sure not a person I’d be interested in marrying.

        1. I guess it depends on if you see an e-ring as a shared marital purchase or a gift. I see it as a gift, and I would never dream of telling someone how much they should spend on a gift for me. That just seems incredibly rude. Eg, my parents offered to buy me a glider for my nursery. I had originally wanted a $1500 one, but they suggested buying me a $500 one and I accepted. If I had really hated that glider, then the appropriate thing would have been for me to tell them they didn’t have to get me anything, not to demand a more expensive glider. I don’t really see a e-ring that differently.

          My husband is truly the world’s biggest feminist, but I think he would have been disappointed about me taking over and buying myself something that he wanted to give me as a gift. Then it’s not a gift anymore. I don’t see it as “man buys woman the ring” so much as “gifter buys giftee” the ring, because I know some lesbians who bought e-rings and even some hetero couples where both the man and the woman bought each other rings. Fwiw, I make way more than my husband. We took a very lavish honeymoon and bought a house in a HCOL area, largely due to my earnings. It’s not that women can’t purchase expensive things for the couple/household, but if someone wants to get you a gift I don’t think you can really dictate how much they spend (and if you buy it yourself, then it’s not a gift anymore).

          1. I agree. And, I am a bit traditional, too. With regard to the engagement ring, I would never have told my husband, oh, what you can afford isn’t to my taste, so I will add to that so I can get what I want. I also would never have paid for my own engagement ring, so there’s that.

        2. +2. I also am surprised at the responses here. They seem very …. traditional? with the whole symbolic gift/tacky/rude/male ego thing. That’s not my style and it’s not consistent with my relationship with my husband. When we knew were going to get engaged (it was something we had discussed at length, wasn’t a big surprise, which is another hit against the whole traditional approach that seems to be contemplated in this thread), I told him what I wanted, we shopped for it together, and we paid for it together. That made perfect sense to us, since it was the first of many steps towards combining our lives and our finances together.

          I had been engaged before and didn’t love my ring, so it was important to me to get something I would absolutely love wearing every single day, and it was important to my husband to be a part of buying me something that I would absolutely love wearing every single day.

    9. You have to wear it forever, so it should be something you 100% love. I agree that you should pick it out together and offer to help with the cost (when you’re married you’re going to be jointly paying for stuff, right?).

      1. You don’t *have* to wear it forever. Basically everyone I know who has been married more than X years has changed up their wedding/engagement jewelry over time. I wear the necklace my husband bought me at the mall the first summer we were dating with more regularity than my wedding ring.

        1. Yeah – but I imagine a person having such specific opinions about the ring IS planning on wearing it all the time.

        2. Thank you! No one ever challenges the “you’ll wear it forever” line. But most women I know who really care about these things have them upgraded, redone and swapped out over their lifetime.

          My mom was married with no engagement ring (young and pregnant) and has since had at least three different “engagement” rings.

          My cousin swapped hers out for a much bigger one before her wedding. (Someone mentioned how her diamond was bigger and she patiently explained how she watered it every night :) )

          I wear my grandmothers stone, which she picked out after her original was lost. it later turned up in the upholstery of her car, but only after the car had been sold to my aunts’s then boyfriend, who promptly proposed with it. My aunt later upgraded.

    10. I was working a biglaw corporate job and my husband was living off student loans while in med school when we got engaged. My husband’s taste in jewelry isn’t great, so we went to the jewelry store together (with my parents, for advice and because the stone we were using was a diamond from my grandmother’s earrings) to pick a setting. My feeling was that we were joining our lives together, so even though I was the only one getting an engagement ring, it wasn’t really a gift he was bestowing onto me – it was a joint decision, so we split the cost of new setting/labor/etc. 50/50. I will say, though, that my husband is fairly progressive on gender and does not care the littlest bit about gender roles/masculinity/etc. Someone who is more traditional might have felt more emasculated by it (but also probably wouldn’t have wanted to marry me).

    11. I don’t think I would do this. The only thing I could see doing it going ring shopping and saying something like “I really want a traditional diamond ring, but I know they’re super expensive. I’d be happy to help cover the cost since it’s something I’ll be wearing for so long and it doesn’t seem fair you would have to cover it alone.” But really you should take into consideration your fiance’s personality and whether this would be hurtful to him. I also do not think you can specify how big of a diamond you want– that just seems tacky/rude to me.

    12. Why not split the cost? Getting engaged is a joint decision, so the symbol of that decision should be a joint purchase!
      From an ideological standpoint this is something I feel pretty strongly about and am surprised more progressive and feminist friends of mine don’t. My ring is a lovely piece of jewelry that symbolizes a decision my partner and I made–it’s not a downpayment on my intact hymen (the historical purpose of engagement gifts!)

    13. Fwiw, I think DH and I don’t really subscribe to traditional gender roles at all. I make more money, he does the cooking and I do more traditionally “male” chores like mowing the lawn and doing our taxes. He took a 6 month paternity leave to stay home with our daughter. But it was important to him to buy me an engagement ring. I guess if you already have combined finances, it doesn’t matter, but we didn’t combine finances until marriage and we were engaged for almost 2 years before our wedding, so there was no way for me to buy the ring without it very clearly being me buying it and not him. Letting him do this nice thing for me was so much more important to me than having a big ring. My ring is tiny (but a real, high quality diamond) and I love it.

    14. What does the engagement ring mean to you? Does it mean “my partner made a significant financial outlay to show his dedication to me”? Does it mean “I am a grownup and I have arrived”? Does it mean “this is my one chance to have an expensive ring I’ve always dreamed of owning”? Does it mean “this piece of jewelry communicates to the world my relationship status (and is a necessary part of showing [grandma? work?] that I’m seriously getting married)”?

      I encourage you to think about the question “what is an engagement ring” because I think that it will help you figure out what you want to do here. If you really want a gorgeous sparkly diamond, but it doesn’t have to be connected to your relationship status, omg treat yoself engagement or not!

      If, to your thinking, the sparkly is somehow tied up in what ‘engagement’ means, look at that to figure out what that means. For a while I wanted An Engagement Ring because I thought it would make me feel like a real grownup who was really getting married. (Jokes on me, though, because I skipped the ring but somehow find myself a real grownup who is really married … and I still don’t always feel that way.) My sister wanted something substantial because she wanted to know that a proposal wasn’t on a whim, that her partner really thought about it, planned it out, and saved for it. Etc. etc.

      1. I agree that the above thought process may be helpful, even though I likely ended up in a very different place than you. Going through this thought process made me realize I didn’t actually want an engagement ring. But I love jewelry and am extremely particular, so I’ve ended up just buying myself a wedding ring and then a series of fancy right hand rings that I love.

        I tend to disagree with the paradigm that one’s partner should be solely responsible for purchasing an engagement ring/gift that is extremely expensive and not likely to be quite to one’s taste. It’s effectively both of your money anyways and for an expenditure that large I would d@mn well want to have something that I’m thrilled to wear every day.

    15. Could you tell him you want him you want to share the expense, as well as you both sharing the experience of picking out the ring together?
      My husband gave me a custom silver engagement ring he picked out and chose himself that I love…and damaged because silver is too soft, and apparently I am hard on jewellery. He had the same ring remade in custom white gold, which looks even better than the first. We both had very little money at the time. Fast forward 18 years later (we’ve been together23 years), and after he recovered from an injury, he surprised be my making an appointment to design a ring together. It didn’t work out because the design company suddenly shut down mid process.
      We decided to go to a store and we picked out a piece together…it wasn’t what he would have picked, but he asked if he could pick the diamond…I told him I wanted a small stone that was a Canadian conflict free, because even though we had more income, I didn’t want to spend on a large diamond. He surprised me by picking out a larger and more expensive stone. He also really became interested in the scientific more technical aspect of diamonds (he works in a scientific field) and chose a really clear stone with some aspect he felt was unique. The finished ring arrived by courier and title was magnificent. I never would have picked a center stone that wide but it has even more clarity and sparkle than the smaller halo stones surrounding it. I wear this ring on my right hand and have lots of compliments on it.
      I guess what I’m trying to say with this novel here is that if he views the ring shopping and payment as a collaborative endeavour, he may not feel hurt or offended, especially if some aspect of the design process or choice is his, and he can have a some part of the decision.

    16. Just to add a different perspective – you mention that he’s been showing you non-diamond rings. Have you discussed if that is a financial issue vs. an ethical choice? If it is an ethical choice issue, and you really want a diamond, perhaps there is a heirloom diamond in one of your families? Or would he consider a vintage ring?

      I told DH I didn’t want a diamond unless it was a Canadian diamond because I don’t trust that the Kimberley process is rigorous enough to prevent blood diamonds. Canadian diamonds are generally more expensive and I was fine with having a smaller Canadian diamond vs. a larger one.

      I think you need to be able to talk about this because the engagement ring is just one of many significant financial decisions that you will make together as a couple.

      1. Or lab created diamonds. They tend to be clearer (and cheaper) than the ones out of the ground, I think. Plus, Science!

    17. If you’re dead-set on a classic engagement ring, this might not help, but we ended up picking a raw black diamond ring from Lauren Wolf because I wanted something a little different. It was solidly affordable ($3kish), but I had qualms about how large it was (2.5+ carats) and I ended up loving it.

      TLDR: If you go non-trad on color and clarity, carats are more affordable.

    18. My husband and I bought the diamond separate online, together with split funds. He could not afford a diamond himself as he was in grad school. Then, once he had the diamond in his possession, he got to pick out and order the setting himself (although we had previously looked at styles that I had liked so he had a general idea).

  22. I have about $2000 in my HSA account which I originally planned to use for getting Invisalign. However, I’ve recently been given two months notice, so I have to use up this $2000 right away. What can I spend this $2000 HSA on? I don’t have any health problems otherwise.

    1. Is this an HSA or an FSA? I thought HSAs were portable when you left a job while FSAs are use it or lose it.

    2. HSA money is yours forever. Some people who are healthy, wealthy, and wise are not using the money for health expenses (paying out of pocket) and letting the account serve as a tax-preferred form of retirement savings. Do you maybe have an FSA? Those rules are different, but I don’t know them without looking them up.

      1. Yup. DH and have about $20k in our HSAs. We contribute the max every year even though we never use anything close to it (except the year I had a baby).

    3. A true HSA goes with you when you leave. I left a law firm on very bad terms and am still using that HSA 3 years later, and I’m in a new job. If it’s FSA that’s a different story.

    4. No, you don’t have to use it up before you leave. Your HSA money is yours and won’t go anywhere when you leave your job. I just left a job that had an HSA and my current employer does not. This means that I now am not making any contributions into an HSA, but the money that is still in my old HSA is mine to use.

    5. I’m Canadian so I’m not sure what qualifies but if I had health insurance to burn, I would get new glasses and many massages.

    8. Do you wear contacts or glasses? When I last left a job, I stocked up on contacts for the year and got a new pair of glasses.

    9. HSA money shouldn’t expire. It’s yours to spend (on medical stuff) even after you leave your employer. Just make sure you can still access your account without going through an employer link or something like that.

    10. I think you keep the funds in an HSA, even if you are leaving the company. An FSA on the other hand would need to be spent.

    11. Agreed that an HSA shouldn’t expire, but also my orthodontist had the option to pay for the invisalign in whole upfront (for a discount, too), so if you are mistaken and it’s an FSA your orthodontist may let you pay for it all upfront on the Invisalign as you originally intended to before your two months are up.

  23. How do you deal with someone who effectively ignores deadlines? There is an AA in a different department who provides me with data that I need on a quarterly basis. However, she has a tendency to ignore/overlook/whatever any dates I set. I always provide plenty of time and a heads up a shortly before I need the information, either by email or phone call. Granted the deadlines are somewhat artificial–I mainly set them for my own convenience to make sure I get things done in a timely manner and meet the actual deadlines on my end–so there is some leeway, but it’s frustrating and throws off my planned schedule. She’s not my AA, so I don’t want to be too demanding, but maybe I should take a firmer stance?

    2. Are the deadlines you give her incompatible with the information you are asking for? Like she can’t actually pull the report that early because Dept A isn’t done creating it/finalizing it by that point?

      1. No. Everyone involved knows the deadlines. There was a schedule created, and I know that things happen, that if someone else is late, it makes the AA late. So I wait as long as I possibly can while still making sure I have sufficient time to do what I need to do.

    3. How much is she blowing past the deadline? Is it possible that the data is not available before your deadline and she has not communicated that to you?

      1. A couple of days. I know that things happen, that if someone else is late, it makes the AA late. So I wait as long as I possibly can while still making sure I have sufficient time to do what I need to do.

    4. Maybe just change your expectations. Give her the date, send her the reminders, then expect that it will be late. Set the due date accordingly.

    1. I have been spending hours and hours on the interwebs looking for one under 100 in medium in a dark color. Mistakenly got the jersey one, which doesn’t suit my potbelly and lumpy hips but if good Samaritans like you ever see one please ping me!! I will send all the bestest wishes your way :)

      1. I have a black pair I bought on Ebay size M. They don’t work for me – the only person in the world for whom the pants are not magical. If you want them email me a candienne123 at the google mail and I will see if I can mail them to you. They aren’t doing any good sitting at my house (assuming I can find them now….).

    2. I’ve been wanting to try these pants – thanks for the heads up! I think they are available in X-Small regular, not petite though (I hope!).

    3. Neiman Marcus has many more colors, sizes, and versions on crazy sale right now! Also additional 10% off on ebates

      1. Thanks for the heads up. I just bought a pair for $80! Hopefully these will be magical on me too :)

  25. Speaking of hobbies, does anyone fence? I was always intrigued by it and never got around to taking lessons (always a new hobby or sport surfaced) and I recently came across lessons again for adult beginners. Does anyone here fence? Or used to? Care to provide some insight into what you liked/didn’t like about it?

    1. Are you me?! I’ve also been looking at taking lessons, but the locations near me are a hike without a car.

    2. OOoh, following! We’re thinking of enrolling our 7-yr old, and I am VERY tempted to take the adult beginner class.

    3. Former competitor, current recreational fencer here. It is a fantastic sport, demanding both physically and mentally.

      The thing that I love most about it is that it drops me right in “the zone.” Very quickly, I get complete focus on what I’m doing. Everything else just goes away while I get a great workout.

      Least favorite? It is hard on the knees, at least as much as I was doing it. If you are only fencing for fun, you probably won’t have that problem.

      Advice? Wear the protective gear. Don’t skimp because it is hot. You’ll bruise anyway, if you get hit, but it isn’t bad, if you are wearing the gear.

      Enjoy! Fencing is great fun. People can take it seriously, but, at the end of the day, nobody’s going pro, so it is all with the goal of having a good time. And you get to stab people, but no one gets mad! :)

    4. I used to. I loved it, but I was never particularly good at it. It is HARD on your knees. After I injured my knee, there was no way I was ever going to fence again. There’s a bit of masochism in most fencers, and particularly in fencing masters. It’s a very Romantic-era sport, and people tend to take it a bit too seriously, but if you’re someone who would enjoy getting caught up in it, go for it! I did it as a teenager and in college, so my experience may be different from an adults’ only class as well.

      1. Thanks for the feedback! Interesting both of you comment on the knees – would you say it is worse or about the same as tennis? I had knee issues but have rehabbed since and play tennis, run, and lift weights comfortably and haven’t had pain since… but the history is still there. I think I’ll give it a try and see if I want to continue because I’m excited for an activity in the winter (also doing paddle tennis)!

        Baby Associate – the local high schools and local university near me offer adult lessons, do you have any of those near you? I am doing the one offered by the high school because the hours are more suitable for working hours.

        2. For a beginner class, the knees shouldn’t be a problem, if you can run and play tennis.

    5. I took fencing lessons as an adult! It was fun to try but not something I continued with – I didn’t love it but was glad I tried it out. The instructors were university fencers and most of them had one leg that was noticeably bigger than the other, but that won’t happen in a beginner’s course.

    6. I fenced a little in high school – some of my friends were MUCH more into it.

      My recommendation: DO IT!

      The thing I liked best about it was that I felt cool doing it even when I wasn’t very good. For me, it was fun from day one – some hobbies aren’t that much fun until you’re good at them. For me at least, that definitely didn’t apply to fencing. Even the drills/exercises were fun in their own way.

  26. I am looking for a relatively inexpensive family getaway over Christmas (family = mom + dad + tween daughter). We spent Christmas in New Orleans last year and had a blast. My original thought was San Diego, but airfares are ridiculous. Transportation and hotel for Montreal + Quebec City are looking doable. Would Quebec City be a good place to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day? Will there be enough restaurants, museums, etc. open to keep us busy, or will everything shut down?

    Alternatively, does anyone have other suggestions for a holiday trip of 4-5 days from the mid-Atlantic region?

      1. That sort of depends on where you are coming from. Generally, the temps hover around 0-adjacent at that time of year (so like between 27 and 32 F). Mid-January is when it tends to get super cold.

        Christmas Eve is generally a business day here but things might close a bit early. If you wanted to splurge on Christmas Day, I bet the Chateau Frontenac has something amazing. And the Old Port has a Christmas Market open until New Year’s Eve, which would be lovely.

        1. ha, I’m sure it would’ve seemed doable/normal/fun when I lived in [redacted cold canadian city] … but now that I live in [redacted hot california area] it seems inconceivably cold.

    2. We did Charleston last year and really enjoyed it. After visiting over the summer, I could also see Las Vegas working well for a Christmas trip.

      I’ve been to Montreal a few times in the December range, and it’s just. so. cold. I love Montreal but I wouldn’t want to visit for pleasure over the winter. (Haven’t been to QC yet.)

      2. +1 Did Charleston after holidays through New Years and it was great for weather, food, history, and culture.

    3. Go back to New Orleans if you loved it – sometimes it’s really fun to revisit a place and see and do new things.

      I’d also consider Santa Fe, which would be collld but lovely.

    4. I’m interested in this as well. Two adults and a college junior and a just started grad school student. Family stuff is making Christmas else where really look appealing.

    5. Miami, Sea Island, Charleston or Palmetto Bluff, Park City, Vail, Aspen, anywhere in the Caribbean.

    6. DH and I did Quebec City last winter the week-ish before Christmas, returning home on 12/23. 5 nights at Le Chateau Frontenac on the Fairmont Gold floor. It was freaking magical – definition of Christmas/Winter Wonderland. However, the trip (by design) included a lot of just lounging, wine by the fire and spa time. It was absolutely, positively frigid but for the middle couple hours of the day. I’m from (north of) Boston. I’m an avid skier. I know cold. This was…. beyond. That all being said, people were skiing, sledding, skating, etc. It can be done, but be very understanding going in what you’re up against.

      I would do the trip again in a heartbeat, but I would only recommend travel during that time of year if your plans include significant indoor activities and not a lot of wandering around.

  27. Anyone have fun Labor Day plans? It snuck up on me. Not sure what, if anything, I’ll be doing.

    1. Yes! We’re going to Sunriver, Oregon to stay with some friends at their weekend house! Cycling, hiking, floating down the river, lots of eating and drinking. Oh, and Spa Day on Sunday! I can’t wait!

    2. We’re going camping. I haven’t been in years (like 20) and I’m a little nervous. My husband’s huge into it, but bugs eat.me.alive., so even if I objectively enjoy what we’re doing, bugs can kill it for me. I really hope the serious bug spray + tent + area repellent keeps things under control for me.

    3. We were planning to go camping, but the forecast is for rain so we’ll probably stay home. This is something like our fifth scheduled camping trip in a row where this has happened. Yes, I know you can camp in the rain and have done so many times, but it’s just not worth it for us.

  28. A while back, a pipe burst and caused my office building to have no water for a full day. Nobody really seemed to care, but I made a stink because I’m not willing to work without a functioning toilet and we all got moved to temp office space for the day, which was a little cramped, but hey, there were toilets and running water. Today it happened again, and again, nobody seemed to care, but multiple people came up to me and whisper-asked if I wanted to work elsewhere since “toilets are an issue for you.”
    Good to know that’s been cemented into my reputation here.

    1. OMG the same thing happened to me! The water in our building was out and I asked my boss if I could work from home (I have a work laptop and can forward my work phone to my cell) and he was like “uhh, no, why can’t you just work here??” Um, because I need water and a toilet??

    3. Not sure if this is a regional thing, but a few years ago the office closed and we were sent home when a pipe burst maybe a mile away, leaving us with no running water, because it would have been against OSHA regulations to keep the office open if we couldn’t use the toilets.

      My boss said it was a “real sh!tshow”

    4. If nobody else in your building produces waste, it’s possible that your colleagues are replicants. I’d look into it.

      1. seriously! I hydrate like NOBODY’s business all day and I pee like a racehorse as a direct result. this would be an impossibility for me.

        and yes, it’s also a building violation code to not have water.

        who are all these NARC coworkers who are totally fine without water?!?

    6. Hahaha, that is amazing! I think you should respond with, “no, I started bringing my own after the last time.”

      1. Love the response! In my country (as in many other EU countries), having access to drinking water and fully-operational facilities is mandatory by law. No running water for >1hr and I am sending my team to go work from home.

    7. Our office lost water several months ago, and my boss couldn’t figure out why no one wanted to be at work that day. BECAUSE I NEED TO PEE AND FLUSH.

  29. I’m going to Egypt this winter and can’t wait! I’d love to hear your thoughts about what I should wear there. I understand dressing modestly is important, but do I actually need to purchase a bunch of loose tunic type tops? Or can I wear loose fitting short sleeve shirts I already own?
    I’d also love recommendations for lightweight, wide-leg pants that would look ok on my size 10 petite self (if such a thing even exists) TIA!

    1. In Morocco (which I realize is not Egypt), I wore regular jeans and sweaters / long sleeve shirts during my winter visit and felt totally fine the entire time. I did not buy any special clothes.

    2. steer clear of clev@ge, midriffs and sleeveless shirts and you will be fine. you’ll be surprised by how “western” most people dress (even more so if you’re going to tourist-heavy locations such as the pyramids/temples.

    3. Your regular shirts are fine. I found tunic-length dresses over leggings, maxi skirts, and flowy knee-length (covered knees) skirts to blend in nicely without looking like I was in costume. Related: you’ll be amused at the number of men you see in safari vests if you head to Luxor/Aswan. Apparently they all want to play Famous Archaeologist.

    4. For Morocco I picked up a couple pairs of Ex Officio pants from their petite selection. They were very light and dried quickly after a soak in the sink. I wore wicking shells or t-shirts under Eddie Bauer/Ex Officio/Columbia roll up sleeve shirts I already had and I was fine in the latter part of November.

      My tip for that area is to invest in a brimmed hat. Even in the cooler weather, the sun is strong. I also found a fleece useful for cooler evenings, as well as close toed shoes (to keep the sand/dirt out, especially in the desert).

  30. i’ve been to egypt several times and think you’ll be fine in your loose fitting short sleeve shirts.

  31. Just wanted to share the results of my exhausting journey to find full bottom coverage, long length one piece swimwear.

    I am a small hourglass/pear-ish person (34-26-37) with a long hip-to-bottom stretch. I normally buy the Speedo Powerflex in 6L but that one doesn’t have cup padding which I need after BF. My torso length up and down is 60″ (average size S suit lists flat measurement of 24, so that’s a good 10in short for me even accounting for stretch).

    These are the two that worked after trying on ~40 suits:

    In S:
    https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B010F4JVNW/ref=ox_sc_act_title_1?smid=A1ZTV32L426C7S&th=1&psc=1

    In M (all the five Prana one-pieces I tried had good butt coverage, boob support, and length for me – I’ll be sticking with Prana from now on unless I want something more fashiony):
    https://www.backcountry.com/prana-moorea-one-piece-swimsuit-womens?CMP_SKU=PRA00V6&MER=0406&skid=PRA00V6-WHBAL-XS&mr:trackingCode=2DE0C206-0CCF-E711-8102-005056944E17&mr:referralID=NA&mr:device=c&mr:adType=plaonline&CMP_ID=PLA_GOc001&utm_source=Google&utm_medium=PLA&k_clickid=9c11f4af-f111-4fb0-a2aa-e9ebd2ffd660&rmatt=tsid:1042790|cid:292653157|agid:20469784837|tid:pla-442123702493|crid:92885922517|nw:g|rnd:14365716857280579784|dvc:c|adp:1o4|mt:|loc:9033512&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI_c7sqKSQ3QIVklt-Ch0LXQ5vEAQYBCABEgJkM_D_BwE

    Hope this helps someone!

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